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I think gay men fail the key processing of integrating their complete sexuality because their brain is telling them that they were always gay and never were possibly pansexual as many scholars describe. Perhaps with intense rationalization and denial so grandiose they can never fully integrate their heterosexual dormant phase and instead other their own gender while still feeding off of them psychologically in the shared sexual fantasy as a physical act. Within the acts are "object focused" goal orientation (fixating on size of anatomy), drugs that help suspend reality and enhance fantasy further. It's a very unique way of male sexuality. The gay lifestyle as a fantasy is definitely a response to othering failure. It's very childlike and relies on similar inhabitants. I see it as a sandbox. Only (emotional) childlike adults can enter and only in a limited time and space. There is also an aspect of the inner child being a female gender. I think this is all based on the gay brain being female due to prenatal hormonal conditions. Enough testosterone to be an XY but definitely not enough to be a full complete man. Socialization fails and further enhances gay personality style. I think partnership is healing for gay men in that they complete each other more. Very similar to how female friends complete each emotionally. Gay men can complete each other. This all echoes, post traumatic conditions (narcissism, borderline). But I think it's much earlier and not a condition or post traumatic. It's from birth and result prenatal hormonal environment that expresses itself in a certain way due to social factors.

Great conversation! This perspective is needed.

The gay community atm is still doing more harm than good to its very own. This obsession with straight guys and elevating gay baiting straight people to enrich themselves while we all suffer from homophobia, insults and hate. We all are craving for respect, yet, we love to get disrespected.

Thinking sex addiction ? My grt grt grandfather 4 wives and 21 children ? What is that ?😅😂

The main problem is that there is also discrimination within the gay community itself. The unrealistically high standards & expectations set by people in general whether in terms of physical, emotional or intellectual, etc aspects are hard to meet. And the demand for acceptance have gone too far to the point of so much entitlement & we ourselves have become bullies to other people who don’t align with our beliefs & these set “standards”. By doing so, so many LGBTQ++ have been alienated in the same way the straight community does.

Are there any groups in NYC that explore these types of connections?

5 years later and nothings changed

When it comes to sex without love, I’d rather play tennis. Bianca Jagger

Thanks for sharing this

As as 69 year old gay man, I certainly have had similar annoying experiences in the gay world, but I try not to judge “the gay community” as such as there is really no such monolithic thing. You three are “the community” as well. Underneath all the superficiality and sexualization are lonely hurt gay children and teenagers coping with much unprocessed pain, grief and ongoing trauma that need compassion, not judgement from within. There’s already plenty of judgement and hate from outside. Sure we may need to detach and process our own pain, but I’ve wished and tried for some vehicle to heal that at a community level… like some night the week before the gay pride parade there be a service, vigil or somber march that honors past and ongoing pain of members of “the community.” Then the following festivities become more of a true celebration than a self medication. But then, I’m just an idealistic INFP.

PLEASE PEOPLE! stop the nonsense, find your true self, life is not a charade, peoples lives are real deal and would be so much more at ease and chill if they finally busted from the closet, stop being so damn scared, be a grown up and realize exactly who you are. These insecure people should NEVER take on a meaningful relationship with another, it may only end up in failure and 1 or both may be seriously hurt. Stop the nonsense!! Grow the F-up, get a grip and most importantly...find, embrace and love your new you, only then will you be able to love another heart. 🤔 jeez..i hope this made some sense or at least gets thru to even 1 person, because it only takes that 1 person to spread a positive difference with homosexual communities. Spread love, not diseases and our little garden of life will grow and glow.

Hookups are ONLY a temporary fix for your loneliness, but we all know, it never fills the true void

To many flakes and fakes in our communities its absolutely awful how ALOT of the gay men and women toy with peoples emotions, lies, insecurities, not communicating properly, decit, shame, sharades oh my god the list goes on and on. It only gives highly flamible fuel for those people who are against gay and bi sexual, straight people too. The motivation to continue to preach to people about us, these people zero in on our flaws, which only seems to be expanding giving them all the reason and sometimes rightfully so to spread their discontent with gay, bisexual lifestyles. The only thing were doing is sabotaging our lifestyles and proving to those who disagree with homosexuality that they are right. Plus!! The free clinics are filling up in record numbers. Now who wants to live like that???

Thats the Instagram community, most gays aren't like that but those are super visible

I wanted monogamy; never found it. Eventually I left the gay world entirely. I'm 64 now, and I'm okay being alone.

All you said its true, and also I have a friend who found love he disappeared from the dating app and some time later he and his friend were looking for sex together on tinder 😂

Alot of " Love" here is not based on love for another human being. It's more lust/ infactuation. What people really need us is the real true love/ connection the Soul needs. That will only come when we learn to put God and Jesus FIRST.

To Attract love, to find true love, we all need to love the Creator, who Created love.God. Without loving God, no one will really find " true love" . This is in the Bible!

I like you so much!

Get off filthy apps like Grindr and Scruff... duh.

This was super insightful

I agree 100%

Yep, that's why I'm on my own,at least I'm my truest self, and authentic ,what's sex fixation got to do with who you truly are.. you are so much more

I thought I was the only one that felt this way.

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ Jesus and Elijah both returned as women and will marry each other. I sure hope you're not calling Jesus superficial. She returned as a black woman and will be in a lesbian relationship. True people of God never sell the gospel.

You're wasting valuable time and energy investing anything into another human being gay or straight. Keep it all for yourself, nothing get's wasted and the pay off is WAY larger.

Who are certain degree? You are really hitting the nail with the hammer. His gay boys we are rejected. We are bullied and we are hate it. As we grow up, and when you become gay men, we are looking for validation from all of that trauma from when we were kids. We are looking for a more intimate connection, but I think a lot of gay men are afraid of that because of the hurt and the trauma. They suffered as a small kid. I am at 62 old Gay man, and the only thing that I’ve ever really wanted was a very strong intimate connection with another gay man. When I was younger, nobody really wanted that it was all about partying and sex. When I finally started into my 40s I finally found someone and I spent 17 years with that person. He divorced me and now in late 50s in my early 60s. I have lost all of my family friends and I really have no one in my life anymore. I still wanted that intimate connection but as you get older, there are less people, especially with my generation where we had so many gay men pass away from HIV aids of the 1980s and 1990s.

Even in gay prides and gay social gatherings, gay people AVOID talking to other people, especially if they are not very HOT according to their own standards. I don't have a lot of respect of how this community operates.

SO TRUE ❤

I am a 38 years old guy from a countrywher being gay could get you in jail , gay dating and wanting something real and geneuine left me lonely. The only person I realy loved pushed me to the friend zone cause he was a could hearted fuckboy, we had good sex at the beginning...we meet every weekend ...Now every time I meet him, I die a little from the burden of missing him (I repeat I love you in secret) ... him and I are so connected yet I feel a wall of glace between ... I've just became that guy he meet for few moment in a café every Friday. My experience with him at the beginning made me feel I am the happiest man alive, thant after 8 years I feel I screwed my life, spending my best years waiting for him and being at the edge of a break down. Not able to cut him, not able to date orher poeple... not able to commit with someone else ... scared of starting again ... I never felt secured in a relationship.

Gays today are more scared of genuine love and feelings than of STDs.

unfortunately gays are living in an island of solitude. Even in their own community, let alone outside. What we are attracted physically doesn't include mental maturity and/or intellectual capacity in general. Then it turns out to be a toyboy of someone, intellectual virtual mindfuck of another one or gossip material of another one. It is hard to enjoy such humiliation in one body and we sometimes "happily" do all in one life. I appreciate a lot of your way of thinking on this matter btw🙏😇

I used to believe I was a sex and relationship addict. I went to SLAA meetings for over a year; in my early 20s. I continued for many years; off and on. Eventually I started seeing a psychologist who helped me understand that I wasn't an addict at all. Addiction is a medical condition. I didn't have a medical condition that included physical withdrawals. What I did have was OCD that had materialized in a sexually obsessive and compulsive pattern of behavior. I don't have that going on now. If I had been an addict; I would still be an addict. My behavior and mindset have both changed entirely. Never was an addict. Never will be. Unlikely you are an addict.

I’d recommend starting to understand your sex/gender identity. Doing so has supported me to better understand myself. For instance, I learned that I am Demi-sexual which means I don’t really care to have sex just for sex, I need a connection. Matt, I’d break down the various classifications that exist within “gayness” just as it does in “straightness.” 7:06

Matt you are one of or the most beautiful man I seen on youtube ,,dont allow that to make you feel overly confident and take away from your by what I see as a perfect man i love the way you sound your appearance your humbleness you seem so kind ,, I dont like my self I never have in all my life ,,i am used to it ,,,and I am used to rejections ,,but dont stop me from wanting and telling my mind how I feel about others that deserve and cant see it ,,,your the most beautiful man on youtube ,,,just own it and thank God for it and just live happy as you can

thank you so much fro this video

The gay scene is basically a cesspit of trauma. Bullied, rejected, shamed, vilified, it’s no wonder it has these issues. It’s great to see someone acknowledging and seeking to do something positive. When ur self worth is based on sexual desire from other broken souls, then there’s an issue. For too long gay culture has focused on smokes and mirrors, hiding beyond fashion, gym bodies, drag, anything but real authentic vulnerability.

There are many hurdles gay man have to jump through. Thanks to American culture you'll probably spend the rest of your life trying to Un program. It's not internalized shame; it is programming by society.

‘Gay community’. What? There’s no such thing. A club that caters for your sexual preference isn’t a ‘community’. Grow up.

I feel like I am healing, thanks to you Matt, esp. following your journey, very inspirational.... as an older single gay man, I feel I am ready to have connection, might be too late as I lead a very solo isolated life. Doesn't matter as I have reached and greeted my true inner self . Thank you 😊

You can’t generalize about this stuff as it’s a very personal issue and everyone is different. Is sex addiction a thing.. yes. However some people can be totally ok with promiscuity AND also have a LTR. It’s all very complex and depends on a persons particular situation & life experience.

Be bi: build emotional connection, intimacy, and relationships with girls, and fulfill other sexual needs with guys 😉

I really needed this! Great to hear how you articulate this. Also, highly recommend the book “Velvet Rage”. Thank you for your vulnerability!

❤️

Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this aspect of shadow work. You know that I see you and resonate with you on this. For me, after this whole "not smart enough" limiting belief. I go to feeling that I'm the " bad guy/son" therefore, "shame on you... how could you be so stupid/you are no son of mine" = unlovable. Today me, we got this and, with awareness, devotion and compassion, i will surrender all this. We (you n i) got this.🙏💗

Thank you for sharing this message, i resonates for me, deeply being bi and not belonging in the gay community - partially because i don’t share the same experience but it’s a common struggle. You’re absolutely right about the need for connection being underneath the addiction. Sending you strength and love!

This is some deep stuff and I aspire to experience this authenticity

Are you from Canada?

...and above all else it takes COURAGE!

This resonates with me. I've carried so much shame over the physical connection with other men but have begun recognizing that what I actually need is something deeper and more emotional than "sex". I actually found myself wishing the sex was over as soon as it started and it was confusing because I felt like I wanted it until it started to happen. I want to create connections with other men but it's really hard.