The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
- When we find ourselves in relationships that lead to significant heartbreak, I believe there is an element of divine timing to it.
In the context of attachment styles, these on-again off-again, push-pull relationships often evolve out of an anxious and avoidant pairing--what I call The Anxious-Avoidant Trap.
There are many coaches, therapists, psychologists and others who would have you believe it's just faulty wiring in the brain that brought you together.
Or, that you’re just responding to an echo of past trauma...and hoping to revise old wounds by reliving them.
I think there is a bit of truth in all of these approaches.
But there is also a hint of the divine.
I believe, there is an aspect of our innermost self (our “spirit” or “source” energy or “essential self”) that finds resonance with the energy of the partner we have called in.
This aspect has been unconsciously compelling us in mysterious ways, up until this point, so that through the vehicle of the relationship it can play itself out, on stage, in the theater constructed between you and your partner.
In this video, I share a more concrete example to illustrate this drama, and also pose several questions to help YOU find the lesson in your relationships as well.
⭐WANT TO LEARN MORE? ⭐
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bit.ly/4LuvStyl...
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Avoidant & Fearful Avoidant situationship here. In a weird way I feel that we were brought together to heal each other.
💫✨💫
How's that going?
I’ve listened to 2 or 3 of your videos now. I told my girlfriend who is anxious (I’m avoidant) that listening to these feels like when I have sore muscles and they are being massaged. It hurts. But is helping. Thank you. My current girlfriend is a gift from God in order to help me grow and develop in order to live a better life and experience “soul shaking” partnerships or relationships in the future. Thank you for your work.
Hi. Just discovered this topic/video and your comment.
I relate to being a ‘gift from God’ For my Avoidant bf.
Are you aware of past life karma with each other ? Or it’s just ‘sense’ ?
Just wondering how your story played out with your Gift from God, 2 years later. Thx ! 🙏🏻💖🌟
The algorithm brought me here a couple of days ago and I have been bingeing these videos ever since. It has been an intense education. This is probably the most insightful video of them all for me. This actually made me cry. I thought I knew myself well and have spent a lot of energy on self improvement, but this has shown me there have been massive blind spots all along.
Congrats on continuing your growth!!!
Briana, wanted to let you know this was the TH-cam i found that gave me the realization my partner is my mirror to heal myself. Glad i have you coaching me on this journey.
I absolutely love how you pair deep practical psychological knowledge with equally profound understanding of the spiritual world and energy. It’s so rare. I am so happy to have found you and your content!
Yesss love this
this channel is an unbelievable hidden gold of knowledge on the border of the spiritual, I am now connecting to myself and leading by own example instead of manipulation by insecurities
This. Is. Brilliant. There is so so much brilliance here.
Great topic of discussion!
I tried to connect with an APD with all my heart. After 3 months of dating I felt breadcrumbed and played and broken-hearted and I resigned.
She sensed she was losing me (actually lost) and made her first gesture toward affection.
Feeling exhausted, wounded, confused and humiliated, I simply walked off.
I think honesty is the most important thing in a relationship in my opinion.
I love the way you put insights in a perspective that opens my eyes, and my heart. Thank you!
Tumultuous relationships are gifts ❤️
I just inquired why she says that. Haha. Drama makes a relationship work?!? No drama. Hahaha. Happy connections. Positivity. Taking things slow. Yaaayy!!! Haha
Wow. That’s such a powerful statement. Never though of it this way before
I’ve been binge watching lots of your videos for about a year now. Beautiful explanations and examples of how attachment styles frame our lives. Thank you for all the work that you do 🙏🏽
same,,,
@@lightbeingpontifex ... m
You have incredible clarity. I'm shocked
What an intellect!
I just love love love ❤ your mix of mind & spirituality
I can relate to this so much and hope to be able to continue this introspective journey so I can become more secure and show up for myself instead of seeking validation and security from another.
you give me hope when I need to deal with space, questions of how my life should work and how I am related to the problems I am having. You give me knowledge and grace when I am waiting and waiting, getting criticism and experience what feels like sabotage, hurtful criticism of a kind that is not even true (my friends say too) - and ultimately I feel like I am about to lose this one, but it is whatever. I have tried and have given it my everything. I am super exhausted, literally on the floor. You give me strength and knowledge that I dont want to hear but that i need to get strong again. Thanks! A million.
Just when you think you have understanding another level and perspective needs addressed and is unearthed! It is brilliant to learn these subconscious beliefs the two level deep what constructs are beneath driving things in fear. The vibration thing and trusting the divine opened things even more of what I didn’t realize💗✨Thank you🙏🏻
Yes!!! Thank you!! Because I view all my past connections as lessons to help me on my journey however not while I’m in it but I’m getting better at seeing them. They have helped me gauge where I’m at and what I need to work on. I appreciate you so much ty. I’m a spice of lifer ❤
Being a FA is like constantly having 3 different movies going on in your head all of the time.
It's hard to focus.
I do believe that I related to my DA boyfriend so much that he changed my life profoundly.
The relationship was so beautiful and yet so painful.
I kept taking my DA back because he seemed trapped in a bad situation. "You keep taking me back"...his exact words. "Because I love you" I said. But, I wouldn't have done this for anyone else. He's gone now but, I'm so grateful for the experience and have grown and feel secure now. And at peace with myself.
So true that I attracted myself in my DA boyfriend. He lived 12 minutes away for 12 years and I never met him. Meeting him has given me insight that I never imagined. He is my twin flame 🔥
Familiar attachment trauma is what it sounds like to me. Some are so anxious for connection... Stockholm syndrome and narcissism come to mind too, yikes. This reminds me of relationship s I've had with Muslims, Hindi, Chinese and Pinay. Amazing learning experiences. Yes our relationships serve as mirrors in a very big way even if their so opposite in certain ways, even if their totally new to the western world. Muslim women made it obvious to me that I needed to learn about what we refer to as attachment styles and how insecure I really was. It was easy for me to see their issues off the bat but it took work to identify my own.
You. Are. A. Genius. And. I. Am. On. Board.
I’m an Open heart with a rolling stone. I am going to do this work despite they can’t right now. Nothing is ever her fault. I’m done blaming myself because she can’t be honest. She thinks her mean jokes is who she is and if she were to change or I was to change we wouldn’t be who we are and that’s where I’m lost at why or what that means to her. Your videos have gave me exactly what I needed to sneak around these labels and ask for the very thing she does that makes me resent everything about myself.
I’m ready , I was guided here ❤
Incredible. I saw a new thing for myself today.
I liked your explanation of the spiritual priming. It’s so real.
Your videos are very exclusive and right down to the truth of how we as people need to thank definitely more advanced then the average person I have been very picky and the videos that I watch you have helped me learn more thank you
I admire how you explain human behavior. It is like you are inside my head and I get read by you. Brought me to tears really.
"So the messenger is just going to keep knocking." Awesome message. Thank you! xoxo
I discovered I’m a spice of lifer and it’s a lot to take in. I never realized that these patterns of behavior were rooted somewhere, it’s a breath of fresh air but it saddens me because I wish I knew sooner so I would not have been so self destructive.
Did the knowledge help you now with your relationships?
I know about the self-destructivness. So I really want to know if it starts to be fulfilling, once you "see the dragon eye to eye"
38:50 is absolutely everything. This addresses hard lessons I had to learn about genuine spirituality vs. spiritual ego, or even spiritual narcissism. I wish you'd talk about this a lot more. I can't find anything else anywhere on "spiritual priming," or even books, and I think this really warrants further discussion.
These tumultuous relationships are gifts. Yep
D M 💛💝✌ glad it resonates!
I understand the surrender thing, i feel like im very close to anxious avoidant, im always dualistic inside myself,
What helps me to surrender is to confront myself with my mortality and or outcome of my destiny, that it might not be what i expected, this may be weird to say, but last year a saw a video of someone getting shot and dies livestream, this triggered such deep shock i could no longer unsee, it triggered extreme awareness of life and death, that we are all small parts of a large story,
At moments i could feel my soul burning without feeling pain. And feel pain without emotion,
Sadly tho…. It only lasts few month before i slip again into depressions and atm im in heartbreak but came to realisation i always attract the avoidant chiks,
Im happy to have discovered this, but i dont know if knowledge only will be key,
Expierence on the other hand…. That can be earthshaking
Last year I was in this trap and I have to thank YaHWeH that I learned so much about myself and my issues. Glory to YaHWeH YESHUA Elohenu
My favorite of all your videos, thanks!
The difference between vulnerability and emotionally exposed and discernment of the boundaries. You are very intuitive and see the discretion you have over the other person you referenced to distinguish the difference!🥰🙏🏻
LOVE!! Such a great combination of the psychology, spiritual, healing etc which is typically a shocking deficit across the board to find an interdisciplinary approach that also recognizes weaknesses without dismissing one area entirely. Or intractable touting of another. You have a great approach. Beautifully done.
Very very useful content. I really like your style of explaining things❤
Quite identify with the situation. Been in it 4 times and the last one has been extremely painful - ghosting, burning money as if there's no tomorrow, blowing hot and cold, jumping into unsafe situations. When brought it up, I was dismissed. Still not out of enmeshment. This video explains it well. The future remains uncertain but I'm trying to stop automatic negative thoughts from overpowering me.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Mostly Me. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment tried to relflect, watching this video multiple times as I can't yet afford your class. Look forward to enrol soon as I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you so much.
THIS WAS AMAZING
I am so grateful that I found your channel
I really appreciate the wisdom and intellectual honesty of your work. I've followed you for awhile and get a lot out of your videos and courses. I'm also a fan of Brene Brown's work and it might be good to revisit some of her later talks as she did clarify in a follow up TED talk to her viral talk that there is a difference between true vulnerability and something she calls 'hot wiring intimacy' which is more akin to what you call dumping or emotional crowding. I think many people take vulnerability to mean just regurgitating all the bad things that happened to them or all their fears and hoping that the other person will accept them unconditionally. However, I think true vulnerability is about knowing yourself well enough and trusting yourself enough to be able to be honest with another person even if that means possible rejection without needing to connect by dumping heavy emotional stuff onto their plate.
Thoroughly enjoyed listening to this! A big Yes!
You’re always on the right track Briana.
I have a lot of work to do on me. I can honestly say I don't know who I am because I have lived for everyone else for way too many years.
❤️🤗❤️
And don't understand it because he has a nice side then a very mean side. Dr. Jackyl and Mr. Hyde.
Yes!
My anxious partner ended out two and half year relationship which was exactly as you described at the beginning. I wasn’t attracted to her because I wanted to relive a trauma, tbh I wasn’t even looking for a relationship when I met her. Just something about her sang to my soul the first time I saw her... initially beginning with her made me feel at peace and I was contemplating a future together within the first few months, not me at all I’m extremely fearful avoidant. But then she started with pressure... when will we move in together, when this.. when this... and I just shut down and then the relationship was poisoned and couldn’t recover
Of
This video is really helpful. Thank you, Briana!
This makes a lot of sense Briana.
seems like avoidants have some high narcissistic traits. Also kinda unfair that open hearts have to be the ones to give all and research. Even with a secure style person, they wouldn't be able to handle it healthily
Open heart here exhausted trying fix friendship
With avoidant. They probably have exerted not one extra minute or thought on this. Yes. Very narcissistic!
It’s about as helpful to carte blanche call avoidants narcissistic as it is to call anxious types the same. I don’t find it helpful at all. When I’m around highly anxious people, even though I know they are not meaning to be, it can be very exhausting to be constantly reassuring them that yes I am ok with this, or yes totally ok with going to the restaurant they picked, or affirming their insecurities about work or life. While I love affirming my friends, I’d rather spend most of my time enjoying life and not focused on patching our holes, and being around an anxious person’s demands (often subtle or implicit, but just as strongly felt as a shout) can give off a narcissistic “vibe” because whether they realize it or not, the dynamic ends up becoming all about them and their needs. And oddly the once or twice, after I stop being there for them, and I state my own needs (for fun, to text less, etc.) sometimes it’s like it falls on deaf ears. So the narcissistic vibe can go both ways, one sided relationships can go both ways, and no type has a premium on selfishness or narcissistic energy! 😅
ps - if it makes you feel better, I am *guessing* that the avoidant types you are dealing with have probably spent an equivalent time and energy worried about your dynamic and thinking about it. They care too. They just have a different way of processing, and a harder time communicating. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. I am sure they care a lot. I have been with partners both more avoidant than me and more anxious than me. Both are hard. I’m looking for my goldilocks bed to lie in and my just right bear to lie in it with 😂❤
You kinda' sugar coated shit when you refused to call the guys behavior psychopathic. Who leaves and then comes back without an explanation unless they are NPD personality!!??
Timing is everything in my opinion.
Briana thank you for your videos. I've learnt more from you in the last few weeks about me and about my partner than I ever knew before. I'm clearly on the anxious spectrum with her and she is a little spice of life although more avoidant. Curiously, I've been avoidant with others in the past. Interesting stuff, and empowering 🙏🏼
I’ve been watching a few video you’ve posted regarding attachment styles and it’s really helping me get a better perspective on the current on again off again relationship I’ve been in approaching 2 years now. So far we’ve broken up twice and im finally stating to get a better picture of how to view and handle the situation
The coldest part convinced my sons I was crazy! I can be though too.
Thanks!
Way too many adds on this video. Breaks the flow.
Sooo good. I'm ready for it!!!
Well if you trust your partner it's okay. Although if it happens all the time we'll no, but if you invite your partner and they choose not to join well you can not stop what your doing because your partner does not want to join in.
You are brilliant! So appreciated
Lots of add commercials. Great content.
Please tell me what to do when you answer yes to all the questions you asked 😒sigh...committing to myself 2nd time I've herd this tonight.. Okay universe.. i here you...
Excellent video. Thanks so much! Great food for thought
This anxious-avoidant dance to me yields a metaphor; two different puzzles with the same piece count, from the same company may fit together perfectly bc the company has the same cut-out pattern for all their puzzles. That puzzle piece may technically be a perfect fit in your puzzle, as it comes from the same puzzle maker and everything. But- does that puzzle piece complete the picture?? Perhaps that same shaped piece that actually completes the picture is buried beneath a pile of mis-matches. Perhaps if nothing else, it is a placeholder or a clue to what you actually need.
Omg ~ you 💯 described my on again off again relationship! I a weird way , I like it both of us have PTSD, AADD, and head injuries. What a party 🎉
Almost 50 years of introspection & therapy and i’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t have a “normal” “relationship.
We both need our space & lose attraction when One gets too close.
Is this healthy ?
I would say, after 40+, already each person needs more personal space. You can negotiate or live separately nearby, as one of the options.
Thank you Briana!
Amazing contents! Thank you!
What do I do when I’ve been married to an avoidant for 30 years. I know I attracted him (when we met I was 24) but I’m not dating him, we have a whole life and business together. What are my options now??? Is leaving my only option? I’m exhausted and lonely and have been doing therapy for 8 years
@vectorair1 I feel you.
Married to avoidant 13 years , friends for 20. Had business for 7 years, God blessed us with no option but to close this last year, neither of us had boundaries for the business or each other, we became enemies. I was ready to leave, began working on my mental health with an art therapist who helped me see what’s actually happening and to help heal my inner child. Began a 12 step program and asked him to find one too, there are many, he attended a couple different ones and found one where he enjoys the fellowship. Our biggest problem- 3rd’s, scheduled 1 hour today to calmly speak about 3rd’s and made plans together on how to address them as a team. He lead the conversation instead of me, I requested it and gave my input but always asked him to speak 1st. Working together we do/did good, it’s the 3rd’s that we need to work on and understand so we can be the powerhouse we knew at one time. Something I took to heart and shared with him- your either king and queen or your enemies. 30 years is a long time invested, glad you found this channel, I too am searching for help as I’m tired of feeling alone and the push and pull is unhealthy, life’s too short, God doesn’t have me here to be unhappy and unhealthy with a partner. I’m a dreamer and dream we can make this work, finding everything I can to be better for me and learn how to communicate in a healthy way and need healthy communication from him, he will have to find his own way to that, I won’t let him trigger me. I believe he was put in my life to learn a valuable lesson, to personally, with my higher power take care of and heal my inner child and him the same. Which ever way we go, I know that I’ve tried my best and I’m taking care of me. I’m at the bottom, broke, broken from an accident but I’m alive and I’ve got nothing but time to work on healing me, he can go along in the journey to heal himself, either way I’ve decided I’m not going to be with an enemy. Wishing you and yours peace and healing.
Oh yes, been through these scenarios before.
how to differentiate a relation is anxious avoidant trap or twin flame
Thank you very much Briana🙏🤗
The body comment set me back.
Wow perfect video ❤
I see myself in my relationship but i don't know if my relationship is good. I am trying to work on myself but am i abandoning myself or compromising? Ughh
Very healing,I want to learn more.
How do you explain an avoidant who goes almost a year into a relationship displaying and communicating emotions, being present, etc with only occasional dismissive behavior to instantly flipping to fearful, distant and non - communicative? There were no triggers apparent to me when she flipped other than she was having some personal issues at the time dealing with physical security that didn't have anything to do with me.
Maybe you were the place were she could safely ventilate. However avoidents tend to surpress emotions and feelings so the outbursts can go way overboard.
You may have missed the signs , they could have been passive aggressive and also not good at communicating their needs suppressing and bottling up the emotions
Curious do have videos regarding anxiousness and life choices or how to attack fear that gets in the way of making better choices ?
Great info. Thanks!
The video never did seem to address what the title indicated. A better title would’ve been a case study with a narcissist plus questions and answers Q&A session.
I'd love to hear more about spiritual priming. I can't find this concept under this term anywhere else... apparently, there are several interpretations.
I don’t think sex is the most important thing in a relationship.
Yes. I keep going back .....
Thank you ♥️
Very helpful thank you 🙂
Hello Briana. I found this video after your today’s newsletter. I read it, it was an example about Tammy and Derrick. While i get that Tammy’s situation needs work, I felt you completely ignored Derrick part and the learnings that a person like him could take from a situation described. You even said that he is less likely to see the wisdom from the point he is in.
Many people, like Derrick, reading this email, would feel they are bad people and they cannot grow, and only Tammy kind of people can.
I would be nice to hear some ideas about what people like Derrick can do in their situation. Thank you.
thank you so much
Im an AP & keep allowing this & soon enough im triggered which then triggers him & he deactivates/disappears.....then i carry blame/shame/rejection....i want us to work so much but just feel i have to hear/understand him, but is not reciprocated...😢
This may explain how both my ex and I are dismissive avoidance.
This is the first time here. And I want to say you have a great message but these commercials at a crucial part is taking from you and from message...
Commercials are at a part of youtube, not from her. If you want videos withoutcommercials you have to pay youtube to remove them.
Thanks 😊 for your hard work. If you can do a topic on Opioid addiction and alcoholism drinking vodka that would be great. So many people are caught up in this Opioid pandemic and do not know it. Doctors have done some much damage to society a lot of them should be in jail. CEO ‘s of pharmaceutical companies to.
God Bless you and you sincapation staying with your smile. Later.
I’d be curious as to what the cultural differences were. Was his family possibly members of a particular religion/culture?
Surely these patterns are in everyone’s relationships?? I like to think almost everyone experiences these attachment issues……..
Hello, Briana! I'm just catching this video now. Do you have any specials on that workshop at this time. It sounds like it could be very helpful to me.
Can someone please list the names of the people she recommends as I can't spell their names and having troubles finding them.
How do I register for the coaching class you mentioned ?
I wonder if my FA boyfriend could have had trauma from the death of a child to accident (age 5) followed by a divorce and then followed by a very manipulating AP girlfriend?
1000% yes. Those experiences are exactly the type of stuff that fearful avoidance is made of. And often leads to complicated grief which I tend to believe is at the root of most insecure attachment styles. Particularly related to developmental trauma‘s and losses. Thank you for watching. Sending you light and love on your journey.
Is the class still able to sign up for?
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Its about them not you. ! They are not fully present and cannot be. They must know themselves.
👍
The class system is a constant trauma
💜♾🙏🏼🕉
Hi Briana.. Is your course still available.. I'd like to sign up please. I'll try to find you on Facebook and Instagram.. Thanks a lot