My Husband Doesn’t Want Me! Advice for Muslims on Intimacy with Aminah-Jayne O’Rourke
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ส.ค. 2024
- In this honest and practical conversation, Sr Aminah-Jayne offers guidance to those who are unhappy with things In the bedroom.
Part of The Intimacy Conversation
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You need to love on your kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Soft words and eyes are so important with the ones we care about most. That way, they won’t go looking for love, connection, and healthy physical closeness in all the haram places.
Facts
Umar replied, “O my brother, I bear with her because of her rights over me. She cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothes, breast-feeds my child… and yet none of these are her duty; and then she is a comfort to my heart and keeps me away from forbidden deeds. Consequently, I bear with her.”
Jazakallahu khayr. I was trying to remember this the other day.
i think it a fabricated story
Please pray for me as I am going through a lot of problems with my wife. 🤲💯❤ from uk England 🇬🇧. Birmingham
@King Sultan ameen 🤲🤲🤲
May Allah help you and your wife
Talk to other brothers - they will tell you their stories and you will think you don't have much of a problem! anyway, you are not alone. It's a sign of the end times and the approach of the dajjal.
I don't know what type of problems you having.
If you are a young couple in your 20 to 40 year phase you are both in a materialistic phase of life. Consciously or subconsciously you building your life you have many wants and needs.
Discover each others values and try to align them as closely as possible so that you walk the same path and are able to support each other.
If you married a career orientated woman she is financially stable she wants her freedom to decide how she spends her money.
If you married a homely girl give her sufficient money to take care of her personal needs and don't question how she spends it.
She will have mental freedom and self worth. Allow her me time also, dont complain when she needs to do some grooming when you around.
Me time should not be forcing women to leave their homes just to drink a cup coffee undisturbed.
Or to get a facial or hairdo because she doesn't get the time to do it in the privacy and security of her home because her family is selfish every time she sits down they want something.
Me time is when a woman is allowed to sit and have that cup of coffee undisturbed or be allowed to read a book or do her hair or groom herself and her family respects her time out. She's not forced to leave her home.
Yes remember that women also have moral duties towards their families and parents just like you do.
Dont deprive them of attending family functions because you dont like some of her family. She has to accompany you to your family functions whether she likes it or not and whether they treat her well or not because you have a moral duty towards your family and friends.
Muslims are very conservative when coming to intimacy.
Men and women alike have difficulty communicating there desires.
This is something that couples should communicate to each other sometimes it's very difficult because of the belief system we were conditioned with.
But I'm sure if couples are patient and create an environment which is calm and relaxing and stress free and they trust each other enough to share there preferences, then you both can break through limiting beliefs. It's ok talk about it and even easier when you in a comfortable private space.
Bottom line is to align your values respect each other bring out the best in each other love each other unconditionally allow each other freedom to be.
Know what you want out of your life and then choose the type of person that will align with your values.
Eg. You want good home cooked meals, you want your kids taken care of, you want your family to be treated well when they visit etc...
You need to choose a homely woman not a career woman she will be too busy working to accommodate your needs and wants.
I’m not married and I ask Allah for a practicing righteous spouse and make me as righteous as well, but Subhana’Allah I would like to thank you sister because you are part of the paths through which Allah has granted me the ability to share and help save my sisters marriages with practical solutions coz for the most part all they get from the elders is sabr (yes it is important but they are not told how to tie the camel)
Baraka’Allahu feek sister Na’ima and all the experts for their love to share with us.
Masha Allah very good video a lot of Muslim couples struggle with communication especially when it comes to intimacy
I think social media just has people all over the place now alot of kid's coming up in broken household's not seeing good parents married
Salaam, the most needed topic dear sisters for our Muslim married couple In Shaa Allah , keep up doing the good work sister In Shaa Allah
This video has been enlightening. JazakAllah Khairan for covering this much needed topic.
3:102
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ امَنُوا اتَّقُوا اللَّهَ حَقَّ تُقَاتِهِ وَلَا تَمُوتُنَّ إِلَّا وَأَنتُم مُسْسلِمُونَ
O believers! Fear Allah as you should fear Him. And definitely don't die without being a Muslim.
Great conversation and much much needed!
I struggle to stay away from doing haram relationship for 37 years just because of the punishment Allah has warned us ahead of it life after death, fears me the most. And I still struggling to have one pious woman there in Africa wasn't possible, and I struggle till i come to Europe to find some money so that I can get one pious woman to marry that all i want, but still things are still uneasy for me to get evenyone (wallahi)
May Allah bless you for all of your patience and bless you with the woman who is worthy of you; the best of women in this life and the hereafter
pray tahajjud bro.
@@sarahschwarz9972 ameen ameen ameen my Honourable decent brother
@@shareefcondon insha'Allah my honourable bro, I will do that right
49:13
يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبً وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ إِنَّ اَكْرَمَكُمْ عِنَ اللَّهِ إَتْعْقَاكٌم خٌبَلَيم إَّه ۚ
O mankind, I have created you from one male and one female and divided you into different nations and tribes, so that you may know one another. Indeed, he is the most noble in the sight of Allah who is the most pious. Surely Allah is All-Knowing, Aware of all things.
Yes I hear you siater
Sister
Salam, I think most men would be really happy to initiate affection with their wife outside the bedroom just randomly throughout the day. We have zapped out the masculinity out of Muslim men because the community and muslim men carry the muslim male guilt which is holding the muslim man trope to be true i.e. muslim guys are too masculine and not sensitive, aggressive etc. An entire generation of muslim men have now over corrected in some misplaced belief that they are too masculine. In reality there are too many brothers who are "nice guys" who are shy, and yet the masjid sermons by progressive imams speak to brothers with a tone of assuming we are culturally too dominant.
I disagree with your delivery sisters, the bit about muslim men being sensitive to sister's needs. This man-ing down of muslim men is what causes husbands to self restrain themselves from being affectionate with their wife outside the bedroom even if they want too. Men are literalists and cant take a hint so sisters need to talk to their husband about it. Also, we need to stop telling guys to be sensitive. They need to get in touch with their masculine side. By default and out of raw masculinity, a man wants to randomly pull his wife towards him and hold her, when she randomly walks past- if he is in touch with his masculine side. Muslim men, especially, all too often have a sense of guilt about being too blatant and spontaneous. We practice a sort self censorship/restraint. Until speakers and imams stop internalising and projecting the myth of the ultra aggressive muslim man we can mend these "nice guys" who have over corrected as a result of feeling somehwhat inapproriate about wanting to initiate anything especially outside the bedroom. If the next generation of men are taught women want that affection and its not below her dignity, a lot of men would actually be happy. Just my 2 cents.
I couldn't have said it better, dear sister. May Allah bless you.
Yes, sister , you nailed it. Feminism has achieved its ridiculous goal of equality - pussy men and tiger women. And it has seeped into the muslim community. Men now feel trapped in marriage - and they have to pay for their own oppression!! Eventually they have enough and divorces - or worse , the woman divorces. He can remarry. Can she? and the children ....
@@Base. Im male. Im speaking from a male point of view.
@@nizal9388 My apologies, brother. May Allah bless you all the same.
Your comment resonated with me at a time when I needed the remembrance.
Although we speak about the harms of feminism in a society, I think we forget how it contributes into the demasculation of men. And we wonder where the incel or red pill movement comes about. One extreme; feminism, yields another, red pill.
@@Base. I wouldnt describe red pill as extreme, but it definitely is a reaction to feminism. As more sisters in the community are feminists in their social attitudes to men but spiritually muslim it is inevitable that men react by gravitating to red pill content online. Red pill just highlights realities of liberal society and human nature in a secually unregulated society which we as muslims live in and abide by. Most muslims are liberal secular even if we are spiritually muslim. Thats what seculairising islam has done. Our masjids only discuss Islam in terms of spirituality and not providing the social aspect of islam on gender dynamics so muslim men search for this elsewhere. The church is worse with men fully leaving the church. 60 to 70% of the church is female - men have left. Red pill books like the 4th book by Rollo tomassi called Religion talks about how religions in the west have become feminised by priests and imams pushing a feminist view of their religion to appease liberals. Muslim men recognise what red pill guys are saying which resonates with chirch going men, that religion is viewed through the lense of feminism today. Those who lead the the islamic narrative in the west are too blue pill. The toxic red pill of bitter men are refered to as black pill. Theres a channel called The Rational Male. This is the only true red pill channel and explains many issues. Instead of living in echo chambers, I would advise sisters to listen to this to better understand a few uncomfortable truths. Ironically, The Rational Male channel does lean towards traditonal religious solutions. The West or Red pill are realising truths the hard way which Muslims already have, if we remove our feminist lense. I understand islam more fully after listening to redpill content from The Rational Male. Eye opening stuff.
This was amazing to listen to mashaAllah 😍🔥
It’s so sad I’m seeing many young beautiful couples getting divorced and children in the middle many reasons but some I’ve noticed is nowadays my sisters feel ashamed to be submissive to their husband it’s a taboo suddenly to wanna serve them like I think we all need to fix and strengthen our relationship with Allah almighty and then everything will fall into place or at least for the majority of our problems
Yep, sisters are sucked into the feminism vortex.
Assalamu Alaykum, Yes SubbanAllah
@13:40 Yes, this is a cultural issue "that only men feel desire". But at the same time, let's not forget the 1+ year of post-partum for some women and during the month for 1+ week wherein women are not interested in intimacy OF ANY KIND... which is problematic. Penetration is not allowed but other forms of intimacy are...
1+ year of post-partum for some women - yes, that's ridiculous because breast feeding is contraceptive. Yes, but women dont have to be interested, its a duty, the contract is based on' we provide and they provide' ,but most women don't honour the agreement. Thats a fitnah.
@@shareefcondon It’s like an entitlement.
I’m not married. Hope i do get married soon. But i would never withhold sex from my husband.
It’s a duty. The same way he goes out to work, most even do hard labor work, and comeback home to also take care of the family some way. It’s a duty you have to love. Same with sex. At least that’s fun. And i would do anything in my power to also make it fun for myself along the way.
When i was younger i couldn’t understand. But husbands and wife need to help and protect each other. And the fact that my husband desires me, wants to do it with me, i get to have some pleasure AND i get rewarded by Allah. Oh my God. How wonderful is that.
@@xSunnyDaysxThat attitude will succeed. Yes, if the sunnah is followed it is a win-win situation .
Talking as a woman nearly 8 weeks postpartum who is intimately neglected I don’t understand where you got 1 year + from this is the problem with men you need to ask your wife when she is ready not just assume she doesn’t want it. And I’m just starting my journey in Islam but I’m pretty sure you can be intimate as soon as the bleeding has stopped which is before 6 weeks for most women only 2 weeks for me so after that it’s the man who is negligent not the woman, especially at at time when a woman may not feel so confident she needs her husband to restart that intimacy at her speed just be thoughtful of your wives.
And when I’ve not been available to intimacy I’ve always made sure I’m catering to his needs even at my own detriment and I feel like a lot of women are like this because they feel guilty to leave a man frustrated but men do not feel the same
Welcome to the mature section of the Islamogram
I advise against displaying exposed awrahs and that which opens the doors for the lack of gaze aversion
49:13
يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ
হে মানব, আমি তোমাদেরকে এক পুরুষ ও এক নারী থেকে সৃষ্টি করেছি এবং তোমাদেরকে বিভিন্ন জাতি ও গোত্রে বিভক্ত করেছি, যাতে তোমরা পরস্পরে পরিচিতি হও। নিশ্চয় আল্লাহর কাছে সে-ই সর্বাধিক সম্ভ্রান্ত যে সর্বাধিক পরহেযগার। নিশ্চয় আল্লাহ সর্বজ্ঞ, সবকিছুর খবর রাখেন।
Assalamulaikum .
allah bleess you
Na'ima I really need to get marriage would u mind helping me with a very smart woman who is full mature and a well practicing Muslim
I think the "let's talk about intimacy" is kind of a feminine approach. Doesn't always work with men. Personally, I've found more success with Laura Doyle techniques.
Too much talk , not enough action. Talk after.
Before intimacy there’s a few more steps ahead that need to be conquered.
Which book suggested was she talking about?
Am not having access to internet, email, messages or Instagram none of these apps is with me only what's app I do have
Assalam aleikum Honourable decent sister Na'ima I would like to ask if you are in hand ones again
9:20 no sex education??? Who did? Just be honest now English woman.
I really like the podcast by the way mashallah
th-cam.com/users/shorts5oqLDhU2P50?feature=share
Mostly, it's not about sexual mechanics, that's the where 2970s feminists took a wrong turn. . A man's desire is in inverse relation to the wife's push to dominate in the relationship. A man does not want another man. Unpack that.
Can you give examples of a woman trying to dominate in the relationship? I never know what is meant by that
@@juwayriyyabintabderahmane254 like always questioning his decision!. Not submissive, bossing around, no feminine energy and mannerisms. This turn men off
@@juwayriyyabintabderahmane254 assalaam alaikum sister, well, when the wife has to get her way. So, when the wife pushes the man to act on an issue, when he's not ready or has his own reasons not to. When that.s not accepted, we have nagging or insisting. If that doesn't work, then the issue is raised to an argument, then the wife is 'upset', as if the man has done wrong, and withdraws till the she gets her way. How does that make a house of peace and tranquility? The husband only feels disrepected and deceived and used - he comes home from his boss at work, to his boss at home!
@@juwayriyyabintabderahmane254 assalaam alaikum sister, well, when the wife has to get her way. So, when the wife pushes the man to act on an issue, when he's not ready or has his own reasons not to. When that.s not accepted, we have nagging or insisting. If that doesn't work, then the issue is raised to an argument, then the wife is 'upset', as if the man has done wrong, and withdraws till the she gets her way. How does that make a house of peace and tranquility? The husband only feels disrepected and deceived and used - he comes home from his boss at work, to his boss at home!
@@shareefcondon Interesting, thank you
Controversial but proven advice: let him get another woman. Multiple women ignites his sexual drive and libido naturally. He will perform more as his body produces more testosterone. Abu American on YT tells us his wife says he performs better when he has multiple women both inside and outside the bedroom.
Also, a lot of women are out of shape or overweight. Excercise and feeling good & looking good can have a good effect on his desire for you.
That is just gross I’m sorry
Absolutely. Knowing that my man is wanted and missed somewhere else makes me value him even more. However, i am single. The irony.
Maashaa allah. This is reality, sisters. You want a man-? well, thats a man.
So on a scale of 1-10 how badly do you hate yourself?
@@S3cl0rum it must be 1 or 0 because her happiness and life doesn't revolve around a man
Why can’t we see your face …. O don’t think it is haram …
49:13
يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَاكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَاكُمْ شُعُوبًا وَقَبَائِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوا ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ اللَّهِ أَتْقَاكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ
হে মানব, আমি তোমাদেরকে এক পুরুষ ও এক নারী থেকে সৃষ্টি করেছি এবং তোমাদেরকে বিভিন্ন জাতি ও গোত্রে বিভক্ত করেছি, যাতে তোমরা পরস্পরে পরিচিতি হও। নিশ্চয় আল্লাহর কাছে সে-ই সর্বাধিক সম্ভ্রান্ত যে সর্বাধিক পরহেযগার। নিশ্চয় আল্লাহ সর্বজ্ঞ, সবকিছুর খবর রাখেন।