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it's really disappointing to see some responses while negative comments about an entire attachment style are ignored as that makes it seem there's no concern about having a respectful community even people asking genuine questions or vulnerably sharing their perspective often get responses from random accounts just dragging avoidants. i & others have noted this before but seems now it's more the rule than exception
@@r_and_a I can understand why perhaps a person w/avoidant attachment style may perceive negativity. People w/other styles, particularly Anxious are extremely confused & possibly even devastated by the conflicting actions of someone giving love, then taking it away. Not saying that they aren't contributing in some way also.
The DA will absolutely deflect, gas light or outright lie when addressed about this behavior as they try to do the slow fade away. Trust your gut when it tells you something is wrong or disconnected in the relationship.
@@SNicole82 not only is it cheating but it's a huge former betrayal because usually the person is also seeking external validation and intention while changing the narrative. And then there's lies of omission... To both parties. The party that they're seeking that attention in false validation that they reciprocate in order to create and maintain their false sense of self, in hiding these people from their partner. Dating apps, Still contacting these potential prospects that they have never physically met while in their relationship. This is hypergamy.
My ex, who had a DA attachment style, used to watch your content frequently, and he's actually the one who introduced me to your videos. Honestly, you've helped me understaning my own attachment style and begin my journey of self-improvement. In the end, though, he ended up doing many of the things you mentioned in your video, so I left him for good. I'm still focused on working on myself
It's amazing how delusional most of them are.... Even when 👀 this stuff I'll STILL 👀 a few of them at it in the comments sections sometimes with their screwy behavior.
Omg! I totally needed to hear this today! I didn't know that this is what it was called. I wish I was more in tune with my 7 year relationship to have noticed the signs earlier. Thank you for putting this online so that people have an understanding and can help themselves.
I admit it, I can drop off suddenly with no warning. I lost a very promising relationship as a result. Am an attrocious communicator and failed to tell her why. Shameful.
Sorry Gregory, don't listen to either of the people above me. Rude AF. Honestly, in my experience with dating several avoidant partners, seeing them take accountability for their more reclusive tendencies AND work to change them is hugely attractive. If you ever think of getting back together, I promise that will probably be one of the keys to it coming back successfully.
This is the worst and it happened to me last year. I received a text message to say he was in a relationship with someone else while we were still dating. The discard was blunt and brutal He committed immediately to an extremely poisonous woman and he knew in a very short space of time that hed made a mistake. The 5 symptoms are accurate; word for word the experience I had. The whole thing was traumatic.
I'm sorry to hear you went through that, I can only imagine how difficult it must've been. Thank you for sharing and wishing you all the best on your healing journey, brighter days ahead! ❤🩹
@@KereolaPatunia I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I know sometimes it's so hard to just breathe. I TAKE permission for us to cry. We don't like to cry, do we? But I believe if I would allow myself to cry, eventually the crying WILL stop. Outside AND on the inside.
Thank you so much for your insights. They’ve provided me with so many puzzle pieces this past year. I’ve watched my attachment style go from anxious attachment, most of my life, to secure attachment, with A LOT of work. Then, after my twin flame, went thru a couple oscillations of retreating, suddenly, when he was triggered by a choice I made, he monkey branched again, after 2 yrs of more consistency, after I made a choice that he said felt so traumatizing. Then, I became fearful avoidant, for the 1st time. Then, after grieving, I’m back in secure attachment, but I feel like, for me, my attachment style fluctuates.
In my first major love relationship this happened. Left scars for sure which I am really just beginning to heal from. I think actually every single relationship I've been in has ended in someone moving on to someone else. I do have an abandonment wound from childhood and this has exacerbated it. It is really painful because it triggers that abandonment wound and also the I'm not good enough, I'm not chosen when someone seems to choose someone else OVER you.
I want to let you know you are not alone! I have a similar experience of being left for someone else before ending it with me even after I was up front and said, if you ever lose feelings for me or decide this is not the relationship for you, out of respect, will you let me know before seeing someone else. It's brutal, you feel betrayed and yeah, worthless. But you are 100% valuable, worthy of love and the freedom to love whole hearted with no fear. Sometimes it feels like nothing anyone will ever say could possibly fix how you feel after such things. But time, really does heal as long as we keep the wond clean and allow it to heal. Sometimes after multiple times, it takes longer and sometimes the scar tissue can cause pain. You are loved! ❤❤❤❤❤
I would also add as another sign, the sudden withdrawal of physical affection. We had always been very physically affectionate, always touching, lots of kissing. Then he avoided being close, wouldnt stop talking about things to avoid opportunity to kiss. All out of nowhere, very confronting
My ex dumped me with some bs excuses. Not saying I was flawless, but the excuses were really just air. Found out later that she was in a new relationship with a guy just a week after. Someone she had known from a pc game. She used to play that game to way past midnight. I went to bed early and let her enjoy her time. But now in retrospect I can only imagine how they used to bond in those late hours. It's over a year ago and they are still going strong and she is moving across the country to him. Makes me think if our time together even mattered
mine would say he needs to read 10 pages every night before sleep, rush into ending the conversation and go to the new supply. Then ghosted and went to vacation with the latest supply
I am the monkey brancher (who knew there was a word for it)... holding on to relationships, I guess for that feeling of safety and security, until I feel confident enough that I've got a chance with someone else so I can break it off and go start something new. I bounced from relationship to relationship when I was younger this way. Never cheated on anyone but I joked I was a serial monogamist. It typically happened because I feel bored about the person, or felt like I was growing, but they were not in the same place, but couldn't just leave them. Probably cycled through 20, 30 people. I still find myself doing it today , but with relationships that are less serious and more casual. I can finally enjoy long stretches of being single. Perhaps you could do a video about how to stop this behaviour. Fearful avoidant leaning dismissive.
@a.3495 yes you did cheat-lining up the next while lying to the current’s face is cheating. Cheating doesn’t require sex. This making up new terms for old, old behaviors doesn’t change the behavior. As soon as you have put another person in a space where you are deceiving them and therefore depriving them of making an informed choice, you’ve cheated them. It is a bitch move of epic proportions. It’s not cute, it’s not harmless. It’s ugly af.
This happened to myself in the conflict stage of our relationship. I was meant to be moving in and within 14 days she changed the layout of her home as though I never existed. The when I tried to rekindle she made things really different. Wouldn't want to do anything together like go out on dates. Then the eventual discard, I know what you want but I can't give you what you need down the line. I'm unhappy and depressed. I can be vulnerable with you. I need to do what's right for me and be on my own at this different time. I have the people I want to support me. Then 6 week later she's in a new relationship and everything is rosie. Potentially, the new guy was their all along, just going on the shifting of dates and moon around my presence. She also planned her who year without me in it with booking holidays with friends and a solo trip to Italy etc while I was still around. Got stonewalled when asked about it. 6 months nc, she did text me about something she all ready knew about, but I ignored it as she was in the new relationship. 👍🏻
I appreciate your vulnerable share and am sorry you went through that. Give yourself credit for acknowledging that! Wishing you all the best on your healing journey! ❤🩹
That's what they do bro, it's in their nature. Hopefully you've looked inwards and done the work, asked yourself why you put up with that s show in the first place. That's where the value of them comes in, they expose all of your weaknesses.
Monkey-branching is cheating. Was in a “relationship” with a DA who was still with his live-in partner. Background: I had been friends with him for over a decade but had lost touch with him due to a busy career. When we reconnected he presented himself as single. We got involved but he was unavailable on the weekends due “not wanting to confuse his daughter” as he was a single parent. Two years later he was still playing games. I was basically the side chick. He devalued me and wasted my time & energy. Never again! DAs are actually game-players who will destroy everyone in their path!
My DA-ex described doing this to his Rebound of 1 year because it "proved" he's "not bad" after the failure (sabotage, limerance, porn addiction-intimacy anorexia, and anxious-avoidant breakup cycle pattern) of our relationship's demiss. Unfortunately for the Rebound after 1 year together she was thinking they were close to the move-in-together stage and he was looking for jobs out-of-state *again,* which he does to end all his getting too close relationships, he leaves, every single time.
Omg i call this "hand-holding". I have always held her hand til she felt comfortable fully moving forward w them. She's always done this. Won't break up til she emotionally builds w another from a distance.
My dismissive avoidant friend has a huge online community and TH-cam channel. He is very popular. His online work is his hobby/passion and way to cope with a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if he's talking to other women though. I mean, we met through it, too, but feelings didn't arise until a year of chatting. But he has extreme anxiety and is in therapy to heal. He was actually very slow to open up and trust me with all of this. He says he's afraid of each and everyone and just isolates. So I don't know.
@@pizzelle2 I see the women he follows and whose pictures he likes. While having stopped liking mine. We text via cell phone number. I gave him my number in case of emergency due to his depression. I don't think he ever gave his number to anybody else. Doesn't even matter, because there's too many messengers nowadays. Yeah, I don't really know if I can trust him due to a number of reasons. Thanks for sharing your story. I was involved with a malignant narcissist before. I know he's a DA and not a narcissist, but they can behave similarly in terms of relationships. He said he doesn't want to meet anybody right now, including me, because his mental health is his priority and his therapy. Doesn't keep him from monkey-branching and love-bombing multiple women online though, does it? Unfortunately, they'll all be pushed away the same way due to his priorities and dismissive behavior. So in that case, maybe, I shouldn't worry too much, just for the women getting disappointed and their hearts broken. He's also still cohabiting with his wife, separated for two years, but not divorced, yet. Not really a green flag to move forward with and he knows my stance. I put some boundaries in place so we're just friends for now. I cannot wait for him to get his act together and he doesn't want me to wait.
I thought I was projecting insecurity initially when she started showing the signs then when I had enough, we had a conversation to end it. Immediately she was with the person who I accused her of monkey branching to.
I'm shocked to learn others are suffering with breakup like me. However this is affecting my entire life (total isolation, not getting out of bed, not cleaning the house, complete out of control clutter, groceries delivered, MY JOB 😱 mailbox overflow). Therapy is slow & drawn out so I'm suffering... Not sure about "spiritual advisors" thing. Although part of me desperately wants them back, I feel if they can do this to someone & not look back... then why would I want such an abusive person??? They ACTUALLY feel justified, you're the problem & tells everyone that you were "sooo unbearable" Unfortunately because I'm obviously not dealing w/this well... maybe they are right 😢
Is this also related to when a DA starts to crush on someone else like it's not full-blown limerence but it could become that if they let it? Especially if you're going through a rougher patch and all the sudden they start checking out other people and crushing on people when it wasn't an issue before...
My now ex of 7 years monkey branched back to an old ex from 16 years ago while on a trip! She moved to Israel and moved in with him immediately. It's been 23 weeks. Really heartbreaking.
i went down a rabbit hole of videos about dismissive avoidance, becoming almost certain that's what my recent ex was. she told me things were ok between us 2 weeks before the breakup, then ghosted me for a week saying she needed the weekend to spend with friends and family (what am i then?). dumped me when i asked if my suspicions of it ending were true, then 5 weeks later was dating a mutual friend. i suspect this was already in motion before the relationship ended, and she had to feel "sure". I started this knowledge journey wanting nothing more than to get her back, now i'm not so sure.
Saw her car parked at the gym but didn’t see her inside. Then I left to meet my friend and her car was gone. Later on that night I went back to use the sauna then she shows up. Asked her where she went or who she hung out with but she was a bit dismissive and didn’t really answer the question and just said she was around. That a sign of monkey branching?
They can't and shouldn't be together. They must heal on their own, become stable and then date other stable people. Most of the "toxic" relationships you see are disorganized attachment styles making each other crazy.
@@marcd2743 this is false. They don't tend to date each other but people don't heal on their own. You heal in relationship. You can certainly work on yourself but you need a mirror and you need relationship to help heal wounds and triggers that won't arise elsewhere. Also "disorganized attachment" is one particular style, it's another name for Fearful Avoidant, it doesn't describe all insecure attachment styles.
@Mariyam It's a good question, apparently it can work if both are conscious, usually anxious don't attract each other though. In my experience marrying another anxious pushed me towards being dismissive avoidant; (this was not my att style from childhood; I don't go around dumping people and never needed space away from my partner before him, or the one after him, but I needed space away from that person because as an individual, he was so manipulative and unpleasant (scorn, ignoring and p-aggression). To give some background he discarded me emotionally but kept me around to cook and clean, be his ''mommy'', refused divorce because the relationship suited him totally, plus because of his image in the religious community... So the first test showed me as DA but it was more like PTS (post traumatic stress signs) and the recent test I did showed me as secure-anxious, my recent ex is DA). So two anxious, I'd say it depends on the individuals involved , and whether they are working on themselves, like knowing own boundaries and not overworking, being less needy towards others, (had to learn that as a teenager/20-something), sensitivity to maintaining the emotional attraction with a partner, and not downloading the whole load of upsets and everything onto them at once. If one is an emotional toddler that doesn't grow the relationship but wants to be served, own needs mean more than yours, and take take take, it's probably not going to work.
Very cool video A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. My soulmate made the decision to walk away from me, and even though I've done everything in my power to get him back, I can't help but feel disappointed because I can't see my life with anyone else. I want to say that I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I simply can't. I miss him so much and I don't know why I'm saying this here.
I learnt the hard way that saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult when a 12-year relationship ends. But I was unable to let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counsellor, and he was able to assist me in getting him back.
I appreciate you providing this important information; I've just checked him up online. striking I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and wow, he's really genuine. Thank you so much again ❤
is it a common trait for a female FA to need a lot of male friends and seek male contact for validation? is it possible that as long as the contact is less rewarding, that it can strengthen your relationship by them feeling less vulnerable and having confirmation of the things you are telling them but they find hard to believe?
This happened to me. At first, everything is good. Then he became hot n cold. I noticed his behavior right away, caught him cheating and proud of it to his friends/mother. He even also have a multiple dating site. Like its normal.. Started cancelling last minute dates/his plans don't really happen. Spoke rude things to me. Despite having affairs, my ex provides and generous to me but coudnt bear it all. So i broke up with him.
I am seeing all of these signs too and I am so in denial and so confused. I confronted and theyre saying they are just going through a really hard time but won’t tell me more. I am FA. I think I have done this to someone before but I am having memory issues about it. Im healing now and feeling an overwhelming amount of feelings namely anxiety and confusion but other things too like sadness and anger. I wish people could just all around agree to be trustworthy but that is too much to ask.
What they need to stop this behavior? They’ve been wired to do it from early childhood. You want the answer, ask yourself, what you need to do, to become an avoidant. What do you need to do to reprogram yourself into being an avoidant? That’s what they have to do. Reprogram years of how they think. Good luck. The notion that they change in months is ridiculou, it takes self awareness and years.
Well, just think of this as a specific detail of how we leave. To not do this, we would have to not be trying to leave. There are a thousand complicated answers behind that door, but it's the more relevant question. I mean getting fully broken-up without anything in the pipeline seems like such a confident move! We DAs are insecure people - better to have a specific plan in mind.
@@cornwallismorgan874thank you!!! This is what I was looking for. I am doing everything except #1, and I do agree that is what I need to do 😞🥹..because I am doing this monkey branching thing now while in a long term situationship, but now that I am more secure (and trying to find someone I want to be with long term) it doesn't feel right and wrong dating while in a situationship. 😢 I also still have some fears of committing to the wrong person even though I always seem to attract secure wonderful individuals who want something serious 😢 (def not as strong as before)..thanks agian 🙏🏼
You know, I can see this being used as a general guideline to any relationship. Most people do several or even all of these before leaving a relationship, and many do in fact have a backup plan (hence the term rebound relationship). Nice video!
They sure will . Ex wife was a MB not sure who she was reaching for when she played distance BS, I do know she missed the grab and I was outta there.. Impact😅😅😅 Had another one MB miss and then grabbed the last branch before the ground😅😅😅
Hi, Thais. Love your teachings. These have helped me navigate some really unknown tides of my life. I had just one question. Do avoidant attachment pattern people, especially DA attachment pattern people lack psychological, mental & emotional flexibility, as in, lacking flexibility towards your views, opinions, emotions, and hence cannot understand your core needs properly?
Damn she is so secretive and compartmentalized I'm not sure whether I as the monkey branched or the monkey branchee. Hell I'm not sure if we are in a relationship right now lol
Do fearful avoidants do this too? I feel like that's how I got involved with them in the first place once I found out about their ex two months in who they were still seeing every few weeks before finally pulling away.
I fail to understant N°5, LOSS of emotional investment. I thought that wasn't a thing for a DA so how can anyone lose what they shy away from in the first place?
It's very contradicting. Based on my understanding, a true dismissive avoidant does not seek closeness, so monkey branching and cheating doesn't logically align with their core need for independence. They are not constantly looking for a new partner because they don’t enjoy emotional entanglements in the first place. They dislike too much emotional involvement - If they struggle with intimacy, why would they jump to another relationship? They value independence above all else - Rather than seeking someone new, they’re more likely to detach and focus on themselves. DA also take a long time to fall in love for it’s difficult for them to deeply attach, so switching partners quickly doesn’t make sense! Breakups are often a relief for DA - Instead of needing a rebound, they might enjoy the space and freedom of being single again. UNLIKE Fearful-Avoidants, I think it is more likely to cheat. They have both anxious and avoidant traits, so they crave connection but also fear intimacy. This can lead to impulsive relationship-hopping. It is the anxious side that leads them to cheat, not the avoidant side. And also base on my understanding, Anxious-Preoccupied people fear being alone (just like myself) and are more likely to line up a new partner before leaving. Dismissive Avoidants typically withdraw rather than seek a new attachment. DA wouldn’t logically monkey branch and cheat because they don’t want more emotional closeness. If they leave, it's usually to be alone, not to immediately replace their partner. This is more justifiable according to their attachment style. I find your way of explanation is too contradicting.
@@marcd2743yep i was in a ldr. Broke up 2 weeks ago after push n pull for over 2 years. Checked his phone. Sex workers, hook up sex apps, dating apps and full of porn.
OMG my... I guess they are my "EX" because I allowed that "situationship" for 15yrs 😶 I know for a fact they Monkey-Branched. It happened word for word. I'm hurt & broken & hatefully bitter... cuz I allowed it 15 YEARS. My AP couldn't let go 😭😭😭
@CALIGRL888 Thank you so VERY much for your comment about how rewarding pursuing an avoidant can be! There is actually an important Biblical truth in this approach, which is important to me. THANKS for reminding me of this!!!
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it's really disappointing to see some responses while negative comments about an entire attachment style are ignored as that makes it seem there's no concern about having a respectful community
even people asking genuine questions or vulnerably sharing their perspective often get responses from random accounts just dragging avoidants. i & others have noted this before but seems now it's more the rule than exception
@@r_and_a I can understand why perhaps a person w/avoidant attachment style may perceive negativity. People w/other styles, particularly Anxious are extremely confused & possibly even devastated by the conflicting actions of someone giving love, then taking it away. Not saying that they aren't contributing in some way also.
The DA will absolutely deflect, gas light or outright lie when addressed about this behavior as they try to do the slow fade away. Trust your gut when it tells you something is wrong or disconnected in the relationship.
Honestly this is just flat out cheating because not all cheating is physical. Emotional cheating is a thing.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, I appreciate it!
Yes, it doesn't matter what the reason is, the end result is exactly the same.
I agree!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolThais, what is the difference? I'm actually genuinely curious.
@@SNicole82 not only is it cheating but it's a huge former betrayal because usually the person is also seeking external validation and intention while changing the narrative. And then there's lies of omission... To both parties. The party that they're seeking that attention in false validation that they reciprocate in order to create and maintain their false sense of self, in hiding these people from their partner.
Dating apps, Still contacting these potential prospects that they have never physically met while in their relationship. This is hypergamy.
My ex, who had a DA attachment style, used to watch your content frequently, and he's actually the one who introduced me to your videos. Honestly, you've helped me understaning my own attachment style and begin my journey of self-improvement. In the end, though, he ended up doing many of the things you mentioned in your video, so I left him for good. I'm still focused on working on myself
It's amazing how delusional most of them are.... Even when 👀 this stuff I'll STILL 👀 a few of them at it in the comments sections sometimes with their screwy behavior.
Omg! I totally needed to hear this today! I didn't know that this is what it was called. I wish I was more in tune with my 7 year relationship to have noticed the signs earlier. Thank you for putting this online so that people have an understanding and can help themselves.
I saw signs of DA monkey branching from me and I cut the vine from my end
I admit it, I can drop off suddenly with no warning. I lost a very promising relationship as a result. Am an attrocious communicator and failed to tell her why. Shameful.
Fix it
Yes, it is shameful. Sounds like u lost a jewel. So what are u gonna do about it?
@@meagandekkar6377 wtf is wrong with you? He's taking accountability. Quit with the toxic shame. Go fix your own issues.
Sorry Gregory, don't listen to either of the people above me. Rude AF. Honestly, in my experience with dating several avoidant partners, seeing them take accountability for their more reclusive tendencies AND work to change them is hugely attractive. If you ever think of getting back together, I promise that will probably be one of the keys to it coming back successfully.
I've had this happen in my last serious relationship. He was avoidant but also couldn't be alone. As paradoxical as that might seem
This is the worst and it happened to me last year. I received a text message to say he was in a relationship with someone else while we were still dating. The discard was blunt and brutal
He committed immediately to an extremely poisonous woman and he knew in a very short space of time that hed made a mistake. The 5 symptoms are accurate; word for word the experience I had. The whole thing was traumatic.
I'm sorry to hear you went through that, I can only imagine how difficult it must've been. Thank you for sharing and wishing you all the best on your healing journey, brighter days ahead! ❤🩹
Same girl. Going through it now. And we work together and everyday I want to jump in front of a train. I believe it would hurt less. Be well 🙏🏼
@@KereolaPatunia I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I know sometimes it's so hard to just breathe. I TAKE permission for us to cry. We don't like to cry, do we? But I believe if I would allow myself to cry, eventually the crying WILL stop. Outside AND on the inside.
Thank you so much for your insights. They’ve provided me with so many puzzle pieces this past year. I’ve watched my attachment style go from anxious attachment, most of my life, to secure attachment, with A LOT of work.
Then, after my twin flame, went thru a couple oscillations of retreating, suddenly, when he was triggered by a choice I made, he monkey branched again, after 2 yrs of more consistency, after I made a choice that he said felt so traumatizing. Then, I became fearful avoidant, for the 1st time. Then, after grieving, I’m back in secure attachment, but I feel like, for me, my attachment style fluctuates.
In my first major love relationship this happened. Left scars for sure which I am really just beginning to heal from. I think actually every single relationship I've been in has ended in someone moving on to someone else. I do have an abandonment wound from childhood and this has exacerbated it. It is really painful because it triggers that abandonment wound and also the I'm not good enough, I'm not chosen when someone seems to choose someone else OVER you.
I want to let you know you are not alone! I have a similar experience of being left for someone else before ending it with me even after I was up front and said, if you ever lose feelings for me or decide this is not the relationship for you, out of respect, will you let me know before seeing someone else. It's brutal, you feel betrayed and yeah, worthless. But you are 100% valuable, worthy of love and the freedom to love whole hearted with no fear. Sometimes it feels like nothing anyone will ever say could possibly fix how you feel after such things. But time, really does heal as long as we keep the wond clean and allow it to heal. Sometimes after multiple times, it takes longer and sometimes the scar tissue can cause pain. You are loved! ❤❤❤❤❤
@@RebbecaMcG thank you! it is so very sweet of you to reach out with such a supportive message. ❤❤❤❤❤
I would also add as another sign, the sudden withdrawal of physical affection. We had always been very physically affectionate, always touching, lots of kissing. Then he avoided being close, wouldnt stop talking about things to avoid opportunity to kiss. All out of nowhere, very confronting
My ex dumped me with some bs excuses. Not saying I was flawless, but the excuses were really just air.
Found out later that she was in a new relationship with a guy just a week after. Someone she had known from a pc game. She used to play that game to way past midnight. I went to bed early and let her enjoy her time. But now in retrospect I can only imagine how they used to bond in those late hours.
It's over a year ago and they are still going strong and she is moving across the country to him.
Makes me think if our time together even mattered
@@MonsterTomten I'm so sorry you went through that. It sounds awful 😞
mine would say he needs to read 10 pages every night before sleep, rush into ending the conversation and go to the new supply. Then ghosted and went to vacation with the latest supply
Exactly... That person isn't good for you.
You can love somebody and leave them
I am the monkey brancher (who knew there was a word for it)... holding on to relationships, I guess for that feeling of safety and security, until I feel confident enough that I've got a chance with someone else so I can break it off and go start something new.
I bounced from relationship to relationship when I was younger this way. Never cheated on anyone but I joked I was a serial monogamist. It typically happened because I feel bored about the person, or felt like I was growing, but they were not in the same place, but couldn't just leave them. Probably cycled through 20, 30 people. I still find myself doing it today , but with relationships that are less serious and more casual. I can finally enjoy long stretches of being single.
Perhaps you could do a video about how to stop this behaviour.
Fearful avoidant leaning dismissive.
Are you a man or woman?
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if you were in the relationship and developed a connection with someone else you did cheat emotionally
@a.3495 yes you did cheat-lining up the next while lying to the current’s face is cheating. Cheating doesn’t require sex. This making up new terms for old, old behaviors doesn’t change the behavior. As soon as you have put another person in a space where you are deceiving them and therefore depriving them of making an informed choice, you’ve cheated them. It is a bitch move of epic proportions. It’s not cute, it’s not harmless. It’s ugly af.
This happened to myself in the conflict stage of our relationship. I was meant to be moving in and within 14 days she changed the layout of her home as though I never existed. The when I tried to rekindle she made things really different. Wouldn't want to do anything together like go out on dates. Then the eventual discard, I know what you want but I can't give you what you need down the line. I'm unhappy and depressed. I can be vulnerable with you. I need to do what's right for me and be on my own at this different time. I have the people I want to support me.
Then 6 week later she's in a new relationship and everything is rosie.
Potentially, the new guy was their all along, just going on the shifting of dates and moon around my presence.
She also planned her who year without me in it with booking holidays with friends and a solo trip to Italy etc while I was still around. Got stonewalled when asked about it.
6 months nc, she did text me about something she all ready knew about, but I ignored it as she was in the new relationship. 👍🏻
I appreciate your vulnerable share and am sorry you went through that. Give yourself credit for acknowledging that! Wishing you all the best on your healing journey! ❤🩹
That's what they do bro, it's in their nature. Hopefully you've looked inwards and done the work, asked yourself why you put up with that s show in the first place. That's where the value of them comes in, they expose all of your weaknesses.
This is a clear case of Borderline personality disorder. Please research about it.
Monkey-branching is cheating. Was in a “relationship” with a DA who was still with his live-in partner. Background: I had been friends with him for over a decade but had lost touch with him due to a busy career. When we reconnected he presented himself as single. We got involved but he was unavailable on the weekends due “not wanting to confuse his daughter” as he was a single parent. Two years later he was still playing games. I was basically the side chick. He devalued me and wasted my time & energy. Never again! DAs are actually game-players who will destroy everyone in their path!
My DA-ex described doing this to his Rebound of 1 year because it "proved" he's "not bad" after the failure (sabotage, limerance, porn addiction-intimacy anorexia, and anxious-avoidant breakup cycle pattern) of our relationship's demiss. Unfortunately for the Rebound after 1 year together she was thinking they were close to the move-in-together stage and he was looking for jobs out-of-state *again,* which he does to end all his getting too close relationships, he leaves, every single time.
DA Core Wound: I Am Bad, a classic.
@@AliValentine143 They should just stop doing bad things. It's not an excuse.
Omg i call this "hand-holding". I have always held her hand til she felt comfortable fully moving forward w them. She's always done this. Won't break up til she emotionally builds w another from a distance.
Ok can we stop coining terms which alrdy have a name - CHEATING.
Im just shaking my head as I listen to her. It's so ridiculous that it's true.
My dismissive avoidant friend has a huge online community and TH-cam channel. He is very popular. His online work is his hobby/passion and way to cope with a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if he's talking to other women though. I mean, we met through it, too, but feelings didn't arise until a year of chatting. But he has extreme anxiety and is in therapy to heal. He was actually very slow to open up and trust me with all of this. He says he's afraid of each and everyone and just isolates. So I don't know.
@@pizzelle2 I see the women he follows and whose pictures he likes. While having stopped liking mine. We text via cell phone number. I gave him my number in case of emergency due to his depression. I don't think he ever gave his number to anybody else. Doesn't even matter, because there's too many messengers nowadays. Yeah, I don't really know if I can trust him due to a number of reasons. Thanks for sharing your story. I was involved with a malignant narcissist before. I know he's a DA and not a narcissist, but they can behave similarly in terms of relationships. He said he doesn't want to meet anybody right now, including me, because his mental health is his priority and his therapy. Doesn't keep him from monkey-branching and love-bombing multiple women online though, does it? Unfortunately, they'll all be pushed away the same way due to his priorities and dismissive behavior. So in that case, maybe, I shouldn't worry too much, just for the women getting disappointed and their hearts broken. He's also still cohabiting with his wife, separated for two years, but not divorced, yet. Not really a green flag to move forward with and he knows my stance. I put some boundaries in place so we're just friends for now. I cannot wait for him to get his act together and he doesn't want me to wait.
That is so sad
SMAET ADCICE AT THE END OF THIS VIDEO!!! Self honor and respect!!!!!💪‼️❤️🙏
I thought I was projecting insecurity initially when she started showing the signs then when I had enough, we had a conversation to end it. Immediately she was with the person who I accused her of monkey branching to.
this video’s take really clicks with some of the things I've been reading in ebook magnetic aura from Borlest
I am a DA and have an AP partner that has done this to me. Not all DAs do this.
I'm shocked to learn others are suffering with breakup like me. However this is affecting my entire life (total isolation, not getting out of bed, not cleaning the house, complete out of control clutter, groceries delivered, MY JOB 😱 mailbox overflow). Therapy is slow & drawn out so I'm suffering... Not sure about "spiritual advisors" thing. Although part of me desperately wants them back, I feel if they can do this to someone & not look back... then why would I want such an abusive person??? They ACTUALLY feel justified, you're the problem & tells everyone that you were "sooo unbearable" Unfortunately because I'm obviously not dealing w/this well... maybe they are right 😢
I know were you're at. Sucks
I get it and feeling it’s over as we get older and after long marriage it’s devestating the dating field. Sadly too many broken people
Is this also related to when a DA starts to crush on someone else like it's not full-blown limerence but it could become that if they let it? Especially if you're going through a rougher patch and all the sudden they start checking out other people and crushing on people when it wasn't an issue before...
Yeah, DAs perpetually do this, it's why you have to get out ASAP. The end result is inevitable with them.
@@rachelmel sounds like a dude that wants to see other women.
My now ex of 7 years monkey branched back to an old ex from 16 years ago while on a trip! She moved to Israel and moved in with him immediately. It's been 23 weeks. Really heartbreaking.
Very good insight. Thanks Thais
i went down a rabbit hole of videos about dismissive avoidance, becoming almost certain that's what my recent ex was. she told me things were ok between us 2 weeks before the breakup, then ghosted me for a week saying she needed the weekend to spend with friends and family (what am i then?). dumped me when i asked if my suspicions of it ending were true, then 5 weeks later was dating a mutual friend. i suspect this was already in motion before the relationship ended, and she had to feel "sure". I started this knowledge journey wanting nothing more than to get her back, now i'm not so sure.
Saw her car parked at the gym but didn’t see her inside. Then I left to meet my friend and her car was gone. Later on that night I went back to use the sauna then she shows up. Asked her where she went or who she hung out with but she was a bit dismissive and didn’t really answer the question and just said she was around. That a sign of monkey branching?
this format really suits me
Can you make a video about how 2 Anxious attachment style people can date and heal each other?
They can't and shouldn't be together. They must heal on their own, become stable and then date other stable people. Most of the "toxic" relationships you see are disorganized attachment styles making each other crazy.
you can't even post comments about that - they get deleted!
@@MilesIncognito 💀💀💀
@@marcd2743 this is false. They don't tend to date each other but people don't heal on their own. You heal in relationship. You can certainly work on yourself but you need a mirror and you need relationship to help heal wounds and triggers that won't arise elsewhere. Also "disorganized attachment" is one particular style, it's another name for Fearful Avoidant, it doesn't describe all insecure attachment styles.
@Mariyam It's a good question, apparently it can work if both are conscious, usually anxious don't attract each other though. In my experience marrying another anxious pushed me towards being dismissive avoidant; (this was not my att style from childhood; I don't go around dumping people and never needed space away from my partner before him, or the one after him, but I needed space away from that person because as an individual, he was so manipulative and unpleasant (scorn, ignoring and p-aggression). To give some background he discarded me emotionally but kept me around to cook and clean, be his ''mommy'', refused divorce because the relationship suited him totally, plus because of his image in the religious community... So the first test showed me as DA but it was more like PTS (post traumatic stress signs) and the recent test I did showed me as secure-anxious, my recent ex is DA).
So two anxious, I'd say it depends on the individuals involved , and whether they are working on themselves, like knowing own boundaries and not overworking, being less needy towards others, (had to learn that as a teenager/20-something), sensitivity to maintaining the emotional attraction with a partner, and not downloading the whole load of upsets and everything onto them at once. If one is an emotional toddler that doesn't grow the relationship but wants to be served, own needs mean more than yours, and take take take, it's probably not going to work.
Very cool video A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. My soulmate made the decision to walk away from me, and even though I've done everything in my power to get him back, I can't help but feel disappointed because I can't see my life with anyone else. I want to say that I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I simply can't. I miss him so much and I don't know why I'm saying this here.
I learnt the hard way that saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult when a 12-year relationship ends. But I was unable to let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counsellor, and he was able to assist me in getting him back.
Interesting-sounding! How can I most efficiently get in contact with a spiritual counsellor that you recommended?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
I appreciate you providing this important information; I've just checked him up online. striking I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and wow, he's really genuine. Thank you so much again ❤
is it a common trait for a female FA to need a lot of male friends and seek male contact for validation? is it possible that as long as the contact is less rewarding, that it can strengthen your relationship by them feeling less vulnerable and having confirmation of the things you are telling them but they find hard to believe?
This happened to me.
At first, everything is good.
Then he became hot n cold.
I noticed his behavior right away, caught him cheating and proud of it to his friends/mother.
He even also have a multiple dating site.
Like its normal..
Started cancelling last minute dates/his plans don't really happen. Spoke rude things to me.
Despite having affairs, my ex provides and generous to me but coudnt bear it all. So i broke up with him.
I am seeing all of these signs too and I am so in denial and so confused. I confronted and theyre saying they are just going through a really hard time but won’t tell me more. I am FA. I think I have done this to someone before but I am having memory issues about it. Im healing now and feeling an overwhelming amount of feelings namely anxiety and confusion but other things too like sadness and anger. I wish people could just all around agree to be trustworthy but that is too much to ask.
really liked this video
Can you talk about this from the perspective of the DA? Like what they need to do to stop doing this?
What they need to stop this behavior? They’ve been wired to do it from early childhood.
You want the answer, ask yourself, what you need to do, to become an avoidant. What do you need to do to reprogram yourself into being an avoidant? That’s what they have to do. Reprogram years of how they think. Good luck.
The notion that they change in months is ridiculou, it takes self awareness and years.
Well, just think of this as a specific detail of how we leave. To not do this, we would have to not be trying to leave. There are a thousand complicated answers behind that door, but it's the more relevant question.
I mean getting fully broken-up without anything in the pipeline seems like such a confident move! We DAs are insecure people - better to have a specific plan in mind.
Thank you Thais I mean @@salvomig2368
@@cornwallismorgan874thank you!!! This is what I was looking for. I am doing everything except #1, and I do agree that is what I need to do 😞🥹..because I am doing this monkey branching thing now while in a long term situationship, but now that I am more secure (and trying to find someone I want to be with long term) it doesn't feel right and wrong dating while in a situationship. 😢 I also still have some fears of committing to the wrong person even though I always seem to attract secure wonderful individuals who want something serious 😢 (def not as strong as before)..thanks agian 🙏🏼
@@salvomig2368 Self awareness is more important. But guess what? They are avoidant, they evoidant even their true selves.
You know, I can see this being used as a general guideline to any relationship. Most people do several or even all of these before leaving a relationship, and many do in fact have a backup plan (hence the term rebound relationship). Nice video!
Great points! Thank you for sharing, I appreciate it as always! ❤
Tru dat. When you see this stuff coming get out if it's feasible.
I wonder if type of DA matters. As an extreme extrovert DA (healed now) I was a master monkey brancher.
@@TashenaStokes hard to say. I'm a DA leaning extrovert myself and I never monkey branched in that regard. I only went back to playing the field.
They sure will . Ex wife was a MB not sure who she was reaching for when she played distance BS, I do know she missed the grab and I was outta there.. Impact😅😅😅 Had another one MB miss and then grabbed the last branch before the ground😅😅😅
Hi, Thais. Love your teachings. These have helped me navigate some really unknown tides of my life. I had just one question. Do avoidant attachment pattern people, especially DA attachment pattern people lack psychological, mental & emotional flexibility, as in, lacking flexibility towards your views, opinions, emotions, and hence cannot understand your core needs properly?
If they are monkey branching, sadly there is very little you can do to change the course, they will shut you out of deep communication.
Let them money becsue you don’t need monkey business or monkey pox!
Damn she is so secretive and compartmentalized I'm not sure whether I as the monkey branched or the monkey branchee. Hell I'm not sure if we are in a relationship right now lol
He did all of these things, i ended it.
Do fearful avoidants do this too? I feel like that's how I got involved with them in the first place once I found out about their ex two months in who they were still seeing every few weeks before finally pulling away.
I fail to understant N°5, LOSS of emotional investment. I thought that wasn't a thing for a DA so how can anyone lose what they shy away from in the first place?
I sure didn't do it healthily when i addressed it ughhh
I would turn my phone over as he had done that and doesn’t mean anything. I was married and faithful for 29 years found out my ex was cheating
How far in do they do this?
It's very contradicting.
Based on my understanding, a true dismissive avoidant does not seek closeness, so monkey branching and cheating doesn't logically align with their core need for independence. They are not constantly looking for a new partner because they don’t enjoy emotional entanglements in the first place.
They dislike too much emotional involvement - If they struggle with intimacy, why would they jump to another relationship?
They value independence above all else - Rather than seeking someone new, they’re more likely to detach and focus on themselves.
DA also take a long time to fall in love for it’s difficult for them to deeply attach, so switching partners quickly doesn’t make sense!
Breakups are often a relief for DA - Instead of needing a rebound, they might enjoy the space and freedom of being single again.
UNLIKE Fearful-Avoidants, I think it is more likely to cheat. They have both anxious and avoidant traits, so they crave connection but also fear intimacy. This can lead to impulsive relationship-hopping. It is the anxious side that leads them to cheat, not the avoidant side.
And also base on my understanding, Anxious-Preoccupied people fear being alone (just like myself) and are more likely to line up a new partner before leaving.
Dismissive Avoidants typically withdraw rather than seek a new attachment. DA wouldn’t logically monkey branch and cheat because they don’t want more emotional closeness. If they leave, it's usually to be alone, not to immediately replace their partner.
This is more justifiable according to their attachment style. I find your way of explanation is too contradicting.
what I wanna know is why doesn’t an avoidant go back to his ex-wife? especially after years of abuse.
They are addicted to cycles that are toxic and it’s familiar to them.
What about when you are in a LDR with an avoidant?
That works pretty well for them because they don't have to see you or be around you. Then they can go play all of their games without you seeing.
@marcd2743 for me it's OK not to see him every day (we met up twice a month), however, I don't like the feeling to be cheated on...
@@marcd2743yep i was in a ldr. Broke up 2 weeks ago after push n pull for over 2 years. Checked his phone. Sex workers, hook up sex apps, dating apps and full of porn.
best!!!
U see it man you dont need someone to break it down lol
OMG my... I guess they are my "EX" because I allowed that "situationship" for 15yrs 😶 I know for a fact they Monkey-Branched. It happened word for word. I'm hurt & broken & hatefully bitter... cuz I allowed it 15 YEARS. My AP couldn't let go 😭😭😭
That’s not too bad. I allowed 40 yrs
15 year long situationship?????? oh honey..............
@@f3mmy Thanks for your concern
@@MarylandMermaid Really?! I pray that you have the opportunity to one day achieve abundant revenge success.
@@TreeHugger70 I already have. He’s blocked from contacting me. He faked being hurt.
read the forbidden book Magnetic Aura on Borlest, and you'll see the secrets they're keeping from us.
@CALIGRL888 Thank you so VERY much for your comment about how rewarding pursuing an avoidant can be! There is actually an important Biblical truth in this approach, which is important to me. THANKS for reminding me of this!!!