How do I know if my new intended values are true to me and my actual values or if they are values that I've adopted because I think they are good though still not true to me? Are there things I can be mindful of or watch for or is it something that I will need to discover by feeling displeasure as I pursue the new values?
Hi Jonathan, that's a great question. It's a hard one too :) Here are some thoughts... As you mentioned, it can be hard to figure this out, but one way is to try your new value on and see how it feels for you. To identify whether it really doesn't fit requires self knowledge and an understanding of what "feeling right" really means for you. So how do you get to an understanding of what "feels right" to you? Here are 4 things to consider: 1. When you pick the new value, question yourself. Ask, who shares this value with me? Am I ok with sharing my values with that person? (Often this means our parents, but not always) Really sit with the question and feel out what comes up for you. 2. Look for "shoulds" -- am I adopting this value because I think I "should" have it? Then ask where that "should" came from and if you really support that source. Look for counterexamples here of people living the opposite or a different style of this value. A few good examples here are "wealth," and "productivity," which in America are obviously things we prize. But those values may have come from cultural expectations or media, and we can see that in different cultures those two values are not necessarily shared. In the cultures or people who don't share those values, are they happy living life in a different way? By finding counterexamples you begin to breakdown your own expectations of what you "should" value, then you can decide for yourself what is important. At that point, once you know your potential value may not have come from you, then you have a choice to make -- do I want to support this value for me or not? In the end that part is up to you and there isn't necessarily a wrong choice. 3. Whatever you choose, be careful to avoid blaming yourself for the choice -- it's your life and you get to decide what's important to you. 4. Your values do not need to be the same forever, you should try some on, realize they don't feel right, and change them. We all change and evolve throughout life too, so it's helpful to go through this exercise every few years / months depending on your stage in life. I hope that helps! Let me know if you have more questions :)
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How do I know if my new intended values are true to me and my actual values or if they are values that I've adopted because I think they are good though still not true to me? Are there things I can be mindful of or watch for or is it something that I will need to discover by feeling displeasure as I pursue the new values?
Hi Jonathan, that's a great question. It's a hard one too :) Here are some thoughts...
As you mentioned, it can be hard to figure this out, but one way is to try your new value on and see how it feels for you. To identify whether it really doesn't fit requires self knowledge and an understanding of what "feeling right" really means for you.
So how do you get to an understanding of what "feels right" to you? Here are 4 things to consider:
1. When you pick the new value, question yourself. Ask, who shares this value with me? Am I ok with sharing my values with that person? (Often this means our parents, but not always) Really sit with the question and feel out what comes up for you.
2. Look for "shoulds" -- am I adopting this value because I think I "should" have it? Then ask where that "should" came from and if you really support that source. Look for counterexamples here of people living the opposite or a different style of this value. A few good examples here are "wealth," and "productivity," which in America are obviously things we prize. But those values may have come from cultural expectations or media, and we can see that in different cultures those two values are not necessarily shared. In the cultures or people who don't share those values, are they happy living life in a different way? By finding counterexamples you begin to breakdown your own expectations of what you "should" value, then you can decide for yourself what is important.
At that point, once you know your potential value may not have come from you, then you have a choice to make -- do I want to support this value for me or not? In the end that part is up to you and there isn't necessarily a wrong choice.
3. Whatever you choose, be careful to avoid blaming yourself for the choice -- it's your life and you get to decide what's important to you.
4. Your values do not need to be the same forever, you should try some on, realize they don't feel right, and change them. We all change and evolve throughout life too, so it's helpful to go through this exercise every few years / months depending on your stage in life.
I hope that helps! Let me know if you have more questions :)