I sincerely believe you can obtain that life of peace but I don’t think it will be an easy road. Many psychologists call it forming an earned secure attachment.
I completely identify with this. It explains why, in adult relationships, when someone hurts me I want them to make me feel better. Instead of just leaving them , as I should.
Woah! That was my childhood. My dad would beat me. And then he would apologize and hug me. So he hugged me after beating me. Then he would cry out of guilt. Then I felt fear and pity at the same time....
th-cam.com/video/HzI5vLBrX8A/w-d-xo.html This is a link to the next step if you truly need tools and want to move forward and take your time and let your own experience with your life push yourself. Past isn’t relevant but if it is still effecting you today then you’ll get over the world and let it go and be your favorite person and you can always get overwhelmed by the unknown but really focusing on what your point of view was then and remember that was then now what would you like and what your given and how you can make your own life yours again or for ever
This is almost every Nigerian Child. The parents and care givers who always beat, yell and talk you down, are the ones you’re supposed to run to when you have problems.
I would like tothankmy parents for the wonderful job they did raising me: "the person they had to seek comfort from was also the person who caused them pain"
My parents tried 🤷♂️. That’s really all parenting is.. trying your best. My parents gave me a decent childhood. I was clothed, fed, had a roof. Obviously their parents tried too and overtime with each successive generation you tend to try to do better than the last. I’ve heard stories of my abuelo and honestly compared to that my parents were saints. Yeah I never knew if I was gonna be screamed at or hugged but I knew I was going to be cared for
LMAO this made me laugh 💀 💀 but in all honesty, I hope everyone here in the comments reading this that you got this. The healing journey is never easy, but you can do it.
I have this attachment style and I had a relatively decent childhood. My mom had borderline personality disorder and my dad had mental issues as well. I definitely experienced neglect and emotional abuse. I always thought disorganized attachment developed out of extreme situations but.. I don’t really view my situation as that extreme yet I definitely have this. It’s such a challenge to live with.
It's devastating how hard it is to get out of and work with. It is so hard. I am so mistrusting and suspicious of others - it takes so much of my energy.
He mentions 3 options of a child reacting, but fawn is a recognized new fourth one. As someone who's more fawn/freeze, I felt it was necessary to mention it b/c it's helped me understand my brain so much more then just saying my reaction is Freeze. To find out more about this look up the 4 F's in response to growing up with a narcissistic parent.
As I have continued to learn of my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, I am learning that a lot of things make sense in terms of my attachment styles and my childhood trauma. Unfortunately, it created instability in my life, painful experiences and long term healing. I am now understanding the confusion I have been feeling and I feel seen. Thank you for this video.
Fuck. I thought my ex had an anxious attachment style, but maybe it’s actually a disorganized attachment style. Which is SO rare. I hope she gets better one day. Wish I knew this stuff before. If any of you are dealing with someone like this just be patient and make sure to reassure them and make them feel safe.
My parents never hurt me often as a child, but my father left when I was about 12. He became emotionally distant as the years went on. He died in 2021 and it’s really taken a toll on me. I can’t form normal relationships because I assume they’ll leave me behind which scares me. I just want to be loved. I want to love. I just want to be happy
I couldn’t figure out why i kept repeating same pattern in all my relationships and leave , few weeks ago cane across a tiktok video about attachment types and found out i have disorganised attachment as my parents got divorced when i was 2 and i only saw my dad in my teen years twice then he died in 2019 , struggled with wanting to love and be loved but at same time always feel that the person will leave me so i made up excuses to leave first
You can either buy a self help or self taught therapy book. Watch videos on how to become securely attached then practice it and/or go to therapy (psychodynamic or interpersonal therapy sounds like it may be affective). I did all 3. I hope this is helpful xx
I believe you can be :) Even though thoughts and past actions influence who we become, our true selves are different. Our true selves are intuitive and regulated and free. ✨✨😉
I didn't realise that the relationship between my parents also affected me so much. My dad still yells at my mom and then apologises to her later and says actions are the proof of his love not words. He has been. providing for her his whole life but guilt trips her constantly . And I was supposed to seek out this man with my problems. Hes 70 and retired now but uses guilt as his weapon against his family . I felt pity for him as well due to his job keeping him away for months at a time. The video explains the push-pull really well.
Totally relate to this. My mother was psychotic and violent in my childhood but then would guilt trip me not to tell anyone, so basically i was holding her violence, shame and conflicting messages whilst she was just a persona.
This is where the child experiences ambivalence and learns to repress their contradictory thoughts and feelings in order to fit in with the family unit. But that coping strategy really makes it difficult to form mature relationships because they continue to practice repressing their feelings. This usually manifests in the Borderline Personality Disorder. That may be only my theory but I would like PsychAlive to find Dr. Siegal to see if more videos can be created to clarify these possibilities.
@ Bryan Agree with your first couple of thoughts ... repression of contradictory thoughts and future relationship difficulty. But as far as BPD, not so sure. CPTSD is many times mistakenly diagnosed as BPD. Practitioners in the trauma fields will typically say there are some similarities between the two, but they are distinctly different.
I had a secure attachment to both my parents, I wanted my children to have the same but my late husband had the opposite with his parents so it was really tough for our kids. I still feel he was a good dad, he really work super hard to be the opposite of his parents. I later discovered that is why I would mother him even tho he became abusive to me, not our kids.
My mom should never have had children, she has BPD and this Dan here describes with interpriting threats from non-threatning gestures explains alot for me - on the plus side i'm very good at reading situations and people, and always been - but i'm completely broken when it comes to relationships. And it seems these sort of things can make you a target for manipulation from narcissists - people surely are exceptional at being shit.
Unfortunately what you are saying has statistical data to back it up. Mother's who did not tend to their babies needs have children that grow up with lack of trust/insecurity towards intimate partners. These are the people I tend to call "commitmentphobes". They want the love, but at the same time fear it, unsure that the love is "real".
I can relate to this. I'm middle aged and I've never had a relationship past six months. I'm trying hard to "heal"....whatever that is supposed to mean. Doing lots of work.
Thank you for explaining this in such simple terms. As a person looking to work in the mental health field, I can see how the common "High 5" action could be misinterpreted.
I hadn’t made the connection. omg This would explain why I never responded with a high 5. It always seemed so distasteful, like “why does this person think they can do this to me?!” I don’t know what started it, but I’m old enough that high-5-ing wasn’t a thing, then it was. It was like if the world decided that spitting on someone’s face was the new greeting. I was criticized for being unfriendly. Well I feel a little better now.
I think it all spills into adult relationships-whether its being abused molested critisized-its traumatic-parents are our foundation and blue print as far as intimacy goes and how we view love-a lot of people run from relationships and are hot and cold to self protect, sometimes they arent even aware of it...at some point its on a subconscious level-very sad unstable and unchanging if you dont do the work. Avoidants will feel a lot better in relationships they dont have intense emotions for-if they begin to catch strong feelings for someone they begin to detach-I speak from experience-I was with one and its a lot of inconsistency-a bit of narsasism but because of the childhood and how unstable it was....i have no choice but to have empathy. They battle with depression anxiety as most of us do but on another level-
This makes so much sense. My dad was in a car accident when I was 2 weeks old which caused Schizophrenia, he thought my mom was a witch and kept taking off with me. My mom has had problems with Rage, migraines and OCD I never had emotions growing up though and I follow people and rely on the which they get mad
I also have a parent with symptoms of schizophrenia and another one with emotional regulation problems. I am sorry you had to experience this, as I know from first hand that it can affect you deep into adulthood as well as growing up.
I misinterpret everythiiiiing it’s good awful and I have no regulatory system for my own emotions and I take on others emotions being disorganized is one of the most challenging parts to fix especially when it comes to relationships because a lot of people do not understand it
I have a huge crush on someone who is disorganized. She already canceled two of our dates (we have not met yet) but she has opened up to me a lot over text and says she “wants a bf” but is “skiddish”. Any advice for me? Im patient, but I’m also scared she’ll never give me a chance. She seems happy to text me. She’s also very poor at conversation so she says. I reeeaally like her tho
I fought kids when I was a kid, until 7th grade. I wanted to be friends with a specific girl, but one day she was ignoring me. At first, maybe she couldn’t hear me, so I started grabbing her arm, shaking her. She still wouldn’t look over and I started punching her arm. She still didn’t look . I realized in the middle of it that no one else was hitting anyone. I was a little confused, but I stopped. I walked away. I’m pretty sure we never spoke again. I forget sometimes that I used to hit people. I wonder if cursing at someone is psychologically or neurologically an act of violence.
My father acted like he wanted to attack me with an axe to frighten me. I was a small child. I felt like he wanted to kill me. After this moment nothing was the same.
Yes, it definitely can. Although, most professionals would argue that emotional neglect IS abuse. In fact, studies have shown it to be a particularly insidious form of abuse that has a profound physiological and emotional impact on the "victim" later in life when compared to those who experienced physical or sexual abuse. Don't get me wrong, all types of abuse can have a devastating impact upon the recipients. But for years it was assumed that the most detrimental types, were those "obvious" types that left scars and could not be denied. It has been found that the resulting mental healh issues that arise from these types of abuses are more treatable due to their tangible nature (ie she actually has the physical scars to prove her particular brand of torture). Those that experience emotional neglect have no proof beyond their own memories and they are prone to gaslighting themselves as a result. Emotional neglect is often paired with having other physical needs met such as healthcare, education, clean house, nutritious food, birthday presents etc (think a parent with Narcissism or other severe mental health disorder who have a deep desire to paint a positive public personality, but who struggles to maintain these standards within the privacy of the family home). Having a childhood submerged in these constant conflicting narratives, can rewire a child in a most diabolical way. The evidence of which is often not apparent until many years later. As a result, it is becoming more and more apparent that emotional neglect (particularly during childhood years) can result in severe, difficult to treat mental health conditions in adulthood that require a lifetime of treatment.
@@kristen6207 Unfortunately more abuse in homes due to signs being missed at school because they are done online, parents under pressure from loosing work, lack of seeing social facial expressions, general anxiety that is now all around us, witnessing protests etc (to a 3 year olds eyes that would look very scary). Thinking that people around them will die if they cough. Sad times ahead I remember reading something about a boy who was about 8 and he was on a pc, it just so happened that when he pressed enter a local earthquake happened...he thought he caused it for years
Societal fear. Constant hammering about the virus everywhere, b Not seeing faces! Even at school. Wine Moms getting worse due to lock down. Social media time increase for millennial parents, being gaslighted and lied to by governments about aspects of virus by authority( parental proxies) and the tattling on others for saying the empowers have no clothes ( scapegoating whistle blowers). Shall I go on? If you’re older, you understand these things due to experience.
You described me perfectly to a T. I've been dx'd with BPD but another mental health professional thinks I'm just dealing with trauma from abuse. It is what it is. I have a 4 week old daughter. Please please please help me. I don't want my daughter to have the disorganized trauma I deal with. i don't think I'd ever abuse her but I do look frightened quite often. I am hypervigilent. My mother was physically (was thrown down the stairs a few times, smacked, punched, hair) and emotionally abusive (called me useless and a cow a lot). My father was controlling and used religion to stiffle us by telling my brother and I that we were going to burn in hell constantly. Anyway, I don't want this for my daughter. Any resources to resolve my own trauma would be appreciated. I want her to have a decent, normal life that I never had. I cannot fuck up her life like my parents did mine. I cannot allow this. Someone please help.
Star Fiend forget the past what hapen to you I sujest only a good rligen like yahove withnesses can help you ,u can find them also in internet ,God bless you there in Christianity there is not hele
Dear Star Friend, this very instant you can give your daughter music. The very soft slow gentle music on YT Will do. Clean up your house, bring Christmas atmosphere in your house, encourage her to draw, write or read her sweet stories before going to bed... Invite now and then a friend of her from school to bake pancakes together. You can dress these pancakes with smiling faces. This visit Does not have to take long. Shut down the TV. Play with her, make a walk in the park, talk to her about her dreams. Tell her She is beautiful and good. Hug her, talk in a positive way. See the positive and make the positive as big as you can. It Will become bigger and bigger and the negative Will lose its space and become smaller and smaller... the moment you fight your own demons, put on soft sweet music from YT. Chopin, Mozart, Lovesongs. Last but not least ask for help to G-d, or the Universe, ask for guidance, lift your spirit upwards and never, ever give up Hope. This works. 🐣🎄🦋
It’s not what happens to us that messes us up as much as what we believe about ourselves and others as a result. Pay attention to the inner dialogue you have with yourself. I find whenever I have a negative emotion there is a negative belief about myself attached. So something happens and I feel stupid. The belief is I am stupid. But what is the truth? It feels true but it isn’t true. Then I replace that with a truth statement about myself like, “Reasonably intelligent people still make mistakes and I am a reasonably intelligent person, in fact there are a lot of things I can do very well.” I have to do this for each belief as I discover them and practice until it becomes automatic. Then when I get triggered my brain will follow the new path and I don’t stay stuck in the old broken beliefs. Better beliefs produce better results. You are a kind and caring person who had broken parents but you are aware and are making changes to become even better. Love the hurt child inside of you the same as you love your own child. Give the child inside permission to make mistakes and to grow and develop the same as you will do for your own. You are a survivor who is learning how to live. Let the little survivor inside you know that it can rest now and that you are going to do everything you can to take care of it’s needs. I wish you newfound joy on your journey of healing and restoration.
The fight response is terrifying. It explodes like a wild beast that is on the defense for survival, reacting to the sight of helplessness with blinding rage. Then when you try to get yourself back, you find yourself on the verge of losing consciousness.
And your source? Pete Walker has a book about this. One of my favorite. Freeze is a short term, instant response. Fawn is long term. More akin to stockholmes..
@@Lioness_of_Gaia Dan Siegel, the Developing Mind, specifically polyvagal stress responses. The reason this is described in terms of fight, flight, or freeze is based on our instantanious response to stress & the decreased capacity of our brains to function outside of these limited pathways. I believe fawning would be a long term habit or strategy for dealing with stress but isn't a characteristic of the polyvagal nerve response that temporarily arrests the full application of brain functioning in an alarming / stressful situation.
@@p.rabbitt4914 that was written in 2012.... I think I get your point, but don't feel that fawning should be left out due to how you specifically framed it. I am much more interested in getting useful information out to help people than in getting stuck on old paradigms and ego.
@@p.rabbitt4914 Now that I look, Pete Walker's book was only one year later..... Still, it bothers me when helpful info is "poo poo'd" in favor of semantics that fit old belief systems that seem more ego driven and self serving or coddling those who disdain cognitive dissonance instead of dishing out simple remedies to those who would rather watch a 10 minute video instead of read a book.
@@theTutenstien I wasn't abused and I know all different ages on tik tok asshole... you obviously know nothing about tiktok to sit there and talk shit about it
Does someone know the effect of first scure attachment of a child, then loss of the father at 18 month and then loss of the mother at 23 month due to illegal child abduction abroad on the attachment system of the child?.
I LOVE the place from which Dr. Siegel is coming, however, people in the scientific field seem to almost exclusively focus on the brain and I would submit that until we include the heart, and, particularly the "second brain" in the conversation, we are missing some much deeper elements of emotional coherence
Thanks, Tsou, for your "thoughts" however, I believe from experience, that emotion is an energy emanating from the solar plexus that inspires the "head."
I don't really want to argue so this will be my last comment. I understand that you believe that, and you might have made a connection with whatever you have experienced, but many people's experience can say otherwise, we only have facts to look at to represent the world accurately because human's tendency to prescribe superstition that is inconsistent with other human beings leaks into our perception of reality. You can chose to believe what you want, but if you want to think critically and be taken seriously with your hypothesis and conclusions about your claim, you need facts. Science should and will reliably flush out superstition and ill-based conclusions with the scientific method. This is why science is our best attempt at understanding the world we live in. Regardless of what we feel about it. Bad ideas do not respond well to pressure and if you get anything out of this reply, it's that you could in your own time, pressure your own ideas. Only by failing to disprove your hypothesis, can you reliably conclude it's correct.
I was also viewing this in terms of neurodivergence as a decent amount of adhd have a more disorganized style, and then you try your best to get out of and expand beyond your issues and stuff and eventually get smacked down and make some mistake that leads to abandonment in something you poured yourself into and in the process of trying to fix your self it’s like you learn so much about people and trying to understand one self and them that the whole f’ing society dosent ever with any amount of research come off in a way that it’s going to meet any of your needs and just use you and spit you out and OMFG there is that side of the internet showing how women and men work, and that while it dosent show you how to have a secure attatchment in relationships(that’s important) even though it does talk a lot of truth of patterns, though can be a bit black and white, and then you you struggle with the fact that apparently you have to play office politics and learn that and then understanding the whole bio/psycho/social/cultural model of causation and then ignoring what the news says but understanding politics from that bio/psycho/social and evolutionary why, cognitive process, behavioral implementation in the physical and social enviroment and the odds are you are at home with one of the parents trying to figure all this out all the while the entire world has been turned into a 3d chess game that no body no institution no religion no country no nothing every gave you any help in navigating and it’s like some days your fighting to fix and others your hopeless and you occilate between a sort of fighting to fix and control what you can and find out what you can and shutting down with a why even try sort of learned helplessness. And it’s like the only option is to start your own company or completely homestead because “fuck others” despite being. hyper extravert, it’s like no end to this. But some things we can make more progress on. And it sucks when there are social skills you can learn that on average make things go better, but because nothing works with everybody 100% of the time, well odds are most things that work with many, don’t work with that one person you have in front of you to practice on.
I just watched a video by Dr Daniel Brown. I don't know if you've heard of him. He claims they're developed techniques to heal . I just found out about it today and did an exercise/meditation called idealised parental imagination or something like that, which is supposed to to install a new positive attachment experience. His group also has a website called the Attachment Project.
I would highly recommend two books: "Running On Empty" by Dr. Jonice Webb, a nurturance/neglect book and "Trauma And Recovery" by Dr. Judith Herman, a trauma/recovery book These were eye-opening to me, maybe they will be for you, too.
So what is the point of pointing this out and not providing solutions? Humans seek healing. Spirit to spirit means God can help heal. Amen? Person to person means healthy relationships can enable healing.
I’ve always envy ppl who live their life in peace and organized and able to have loving relationships
I am the same. It hurts to know people live a much much better life than I could have.
I feel you mate.
Me too
I sincerely believe you can obtain that life of peace but I don’t think it will be an easy road. Many psychologists call it forming an earned secure attachment.
Me too... I usually feel broken
I completely identify with this. It explains why, in adult relationships, when someone hurts me I want them to make me feel better. Instead of just leaving them , as I should.
Same. Even/especially my mom. I am learning what it even looks like to prioritize myself. I haven't ever been allowed, let alone required.
Woah! That was my childhood. My dad would beat me. And then he would apologize and hug me. So he hugged me after beating me. Then he would cry out of guilt. Then I felt fear and pity at the same time....
Would your father suddenly beat you for no discernible reason or was it for punishment?
@@albertaatieno genuine question: does it really matter the reasoning why a parent would beat their kid?
th-cam.com/video/HzI5vLBrX8A/w-d-xo.html
This is a link to the next step if you truly need tools and want to move forward and take your time and let your own experience with your life push yourself.
Past isn’t relevant but if it is still effecting you today then you’ll get over the world and let it go and be your favorite person and you can always get overwhelmed by the unknown but really focusing on what your point of view was then and remember that was then now what would you like and what your given and how you can make your own life yours again or for ever
my mom did this
@@crappyaccount You need not ask that question. It is never appropriate to beat anyone under any circumstances.
This is almost every Nigerian Child. The parents and care givers who always beat, yell and talk you down, are the ones you’re supposed to run to when you have problems.
True
Indian/Asian parents too!
also thai parents 😢
I would like tothankmy parents for the wonderful job they did raising me: "the person they had to seek comfort from was also the person who caused them pain"
It be like that
My parents tried 🤷♂️. That’s really all parenting is.. trying your best. My parents gave me a decent childhood. I was clothed, fed, had a roof.
Obviously their parents tried too and overtime with each successive generation you tend to try to do better than the last. I’ve heard stories of my abuelo and honestly compared to that my parents were saints. Yeah I never knew if I was gonna be screamed at or hugged but I knew I was going to be cared for
LMAO this made me laugh 💀 💀 but in all honesty, I hope everyone here in the comments reading this that you got this. The healing journey is never easy, but you can do it.
Hey man.. High five! We are in the same team
@@malpaw2371 Stop excusing your bad parents. They did the minimum.
This is the best description of disorganized attachment style I have found thus far.
I have this attachment style and I had a relatively decent childhood. My mom had borderline personality disorder and my dad had mental issues as well. I definitely experienced neglect and emotional abuse. I always thought disorganized attachment developed out of extreme situations but.. I don’t really view my situation as that extreme yet I definitely have this. It’s such a challenge to live with.
It's devastating how hard it is to get out of and work with. It is so hard. I am so mistrusting and suspicious of others - it takes so much of my energy.
Same I pretty much don’t trust anyone
I just hate life.
You need to do a Dialectic Behavioural Therapy and also take Homeopathic medicine from a good practitioner.
He mentions 3 options of a child reacting, but fawn is a recognized new fourth one. As someone who's more fawn/freeze, I felt it was necessary to mention it b/c it's helped me understand my brain so much more then just saying my reaction is Freeze. To find out more about this look up the 4 F's in response to growing up with a narcissistic parent.
Cordial_Lump Pete Walker
@@kchild71 yeah I need to buy that book real bad
Fight, flight, freeze,fawn,flop amd friend
@@AR-ph7wf lmao exactly
@@Cordial_Lump you forgot wtF*ck
As I have continued to learn of my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, I am learning that a lot of things make sense in terms of my attachment styles and my childhood trauma. Unfortunately, it created instability in my life, painful experiences and long term healing. I am now understanding the confusion I have been feeling and I feel seen. Thank you for this video.
Fuck. I thought my ex had an anxious attachment style, but maybe it’s actually a disorganized attachment style. Which is SO rare. I hope she gets better one day. Wish I knew this stuff before. If any of you are dealing with someone like this just be patient and make sure to reassure them and make them feel safe.
disorganized attachment is the NORM
@@Emanateyourmedicine it’s not……it’s the rarest of them all.
It’s not “so” rare. Where are you getting your info from?
In this era, the rare ones would be "secure attachment style" now. Coz peoole be having insecure attachments and not even realize it
She could have both. She could have had a disorganized-anxious attachment style. Which I have too 😅
I was born during a very violent civil war. I guess despite my parent's best efforts I soaked up too much fear.
My parents never hurt me often as a child, but my father left when I was about 12. He became emotionally distant as the years went on. He died in 2021 and it’s really taken a toll on me. I can’t form normal relationships because I assume they’ll leave me behind which scares me. I just want to be loved. I want to love. I just want to be happy
I couldn’t figure out why i kept repeating same pattern in all my relationships and leave , few weeks ago cane across a tiktok video about attachment types and found out i have disorganised attachment as my parents got divorced when i was 2 and i only saw my dad in my teen years twice then he died in 2019 , struggled with wanting to love and be loved but at same time always feel that the person will leave me so i made up excuses to leave first
You can either buy a self help or self taught therapy book. Watch videos on how to become securely attached then practice it and/or go to therapy (psychodynamic or interpersonal therapy sounds like it may be affective). I did all 3. I hope this is helpful xx
I believe you can be :) Even though thoughts and past actions influence who we become, our true selves are different. Our true selves are intuitive and regulated and free. ✨✨😉
I didn't realise that the relationship between my parents also affected me so much. My dad still yells at my mom and then apologises to her later and says actions are the proof of his love not words. He has been. providing for her his whole life but guilt trips her constantly . And I was supposed to seek out this man with my problems. Hes 70 and retired now but uses guilt as his weapon against his family . I felt pity for him as well due to his job keeping him away for months at a time. The video explains the push-pull really well.
Totally relate to this. My mother was psychotic and violent in my childhood but then would guilt trip me not to tell anyone, so basically i was holding her violence, shame and conflicting messages whilst she was just a persona.
So very sad. This explains so much. I could never relate to other people, relationships are very difficult.
This is where the child experiences ambivalence and learns to repress their contradictory thoughts and feelings in order to fit in with the family unit. But that coping strategy really makes it difficult to form mature relationships because they continue to practice repressing their feelings. This usually manifests in the Borderline Personality Disorder. That may be only my theory but I would like PsychAlive to find Dr. Siegal to see if more videos can be created to clarify these possibilities.
@ Bryan Agree with your first couple of thoughts ... repression of contradictory thoughts and future relationship difficulty. But as far as BPD, not so sure. CPTSD is many times mistakenly diagnosed as BPD. Practitioners in the trauma fields will typically say there are some similarities between the two, but they are distinctly different.
@@flyingphotography5770 it's more or less same.
No, I have disorganized attachment style but (luckily!) No bpd
As someone who struggles with this thanks so much for speaking about it so I can better explain how I am and why to others I want to connect with
I had a secure attachment to both my parents, I wanted my children to have the same but my late husband had the opposite with his parents so it was really tough for our kids. I still feel he was a good dad, he really work super hard to be the opposite of his parents. I later discovered that is why I would mother him even tho he became abusive to me, not our kids.
My mom should never have had children, she has BPD and this Dan here describes with interpriting threats from non-threatning gestures explains alot for me - on the plus side i'm very good at reading situations and people, and always been - but i'm completely broken when it comes to relationships. And it seems these sort of things can make you a target for manipulation from narcissists - people surely are exceptional at being shit.
Unfortunately what you are saying has statistical data to back it up. Mother's who did not tend to their babies needs have children that grow up with lack of trust/insecurity towards intimate partners. These are the people I tend to call "commitmentphobes". They want the love, but at the same time fear it, unsure that the love is "real".
The good thing is that even though we can have a certain attachment style we can become a healthy secure adult
@@KikiV123 That is not true.
I can relate to this. I'm middle aged and I've never had a relationship past six months. I'm trying hard to "heal"....whatever that is supposed to mean. Doing lots of work.
Thank you for explaining this in such simple terms. As a person looking to work in the mental health field, I can see how the common "High 5" action could be misinterpreted.
I hadn’t made the connection. omg This would explain why I never responded with a high 5. It always seemed so distasteful, like “why does this person think they can do this to me?!” I don’t know what started it, but I’m old enough that high-5-ing wasn’t a thing, then it was. It was like if the world decided that spitting on someone’s face was the new greeting. I was criticized for being unfriendly. Well I feel a little better now.
Great film with very good and understandable explanation
I think it all spills into adult relationships-whether its being abused molested critisized-its traumatic-parents are our foundation and blue print as far as intimacy goes and how we view love-a lot of people run from relationships and are hot and cold to self protect, sometimes they arent even aware of it...at some point its on a subconscious level-very sad unstable and unchanging if you dont do the work. Avoidants will feel a lot better in relationships they dont have intense emotions for-if they begin to catch strong feelings for someone they begin to detach-I speak from experience-I was with one and its a lot of inconsistency-a bit of narsasism but because of the childhood and how unstable it was....i have no choice but to have empathy. They battle with depression anxiety as most of us do but on another level-
One time my parents literally shattered glass all over the living room floor because they were fighting over who would drive me to school 😭
This makes so much sense. My dad was in a car accident when I was 2 weeks old which caused Schizophrenia, he thought my mom was a witch and kept taking off with me. My mom has had problems with Rage, migraines and OCD I never had emotions growing up though and I follow people and rely on the which they get mad
I also have a parent with symptoms of schizophrenia and another one with emotional regulation problems. I am sorry you had to experience this, as I know from first hand that it can affect you deep into adulthood as well as growing up.
I misinterpret everythiiiiing it’s good awful and I have no regulatory system for my own emotions and I take on others emotions being disorganized is one of the most challenging parts to fix especially when it comes to relationships because a lot of people do not understand it
I have a huge crush on someone who is disorganized. She already canceled two of our dates (we have not met yet) but she has opened up to me a lot over text and says she “wants a bf” but is “skiddish”. Any advice for me? Im patient, but I’m also scared she’ll never give me a chance. She seems happy to text me. She’s also very poor at conversation so she says. I reeeaally like her tho
I fought kids when I was a kid, until 7th grade. I wanted to be friends with a specific girl, but one day she was ignoring me. At first, maybe she couldn’t hear me, so I started grabbing her arm, shaking her. She still wouldn’t look over and I started punching her arm. She still didn’t look . I realized in the middle of it that no one else was hitting anyone. I was a little confused, but I stopped. I walked away. I’m pretty sure we never spoke again. I forget sometimes that I used to hit people. I wonder if cursing at someone is psychologically or neurologically an act of violence.
Great video :)
My father acted like he wanted to attack me with an axe to frighten me. I was a small child. I felt like he wanted to kill me. After this moment nothing was the same.
Could this be caused by emotional neglect instead of some form of abuse?
Yes, it definitely can. Although, most professionals would argue that emotional neglect IS abuse. In fact, studies have shown it to be a particularly insidious form of abuse that has a profound physiological and emotional impact on the "victim" later in life when compared to those who experienced physical or sexual abuse. Don't get me wrong, all types of abuse can have a devastating impact upon the recipients. But for years it was assumed that the most detrimental types, were those "obvious" types that left scars and could not be denied. It has been found that the resulting mental healh issues that arise from these types of abuses are more treatable due to their tangible nature (ie she actually has the physical scars to prove her particular brand of torture). Those that experience emotional neglect have no proof beyond their own memories and they are prone to gaslighting themselves as a result. Emotional neglect is often paired with having other physical needs met such as healthcare, education, clean house, nutritious food, birthday presents etc (think a parent with Narcissism or other severe mental health disorder who have a deep desire to paint a positive public personality, but who struggles to maintain these standards within the privacy of the family home). Having a childhood submerged in these constant conflicting narratives, can rewire a child in a most diabolical way. The evidence of which is often not apparent until many years later. As a result, it is becoming more and more apparent that emotional neglect (particularly during childhood years) can result in severe, difficult to treat mental health conditions in adulthood that require a lifetime of treatment.
@@duck7237 Thanks bunches! Sending appreciation your way!
Lots of fearful avoidant kids are going to come out of covid-19
Why do you think that? More abuse in homes during quarantine or kids seeing more fear?
@@kristen6207 Unfortunately more abuse in homes due to signs being missed at school because they are done online, parents under pressure from loosing work, lack of seeing social facial expressions, general anxiety that is now all around us, witnessing protests etc (to a 3 year olds eyes that would look very scary). Thinking that people around them will die if they cough. Sad times ahead
I remember reading something about a boy who was about 8 and he was on a pc, it just so happened that when he pressed enter a local earthquake happened...he thought he caused it for years
Societal fear. Constant hammering about the virus everywhere, b
Not seeing faces! Even at school. Wine Moms getting worse due to lock down. Social media time increase for millennial parents, being gaslighted and lied to by governments about aspects of virus by authority( parental proxies) and the tattling on others for saying the empowers have no clothes ( scapegoating whistle blowers). Shall I go on? If you’re older, you understand these things due to experience.
Yes, by design.
You described me perfectly to a T. I've been dx'd with BPD but another mental health professional thinks I'm just dealing with trauma from abuse. It is what it is. I have a 4 week old daughter. Please please please help me. I don't want my daughter to have the disorganized trauma I deal with. i don't think I'd ever abuse her but I do look frightened quite often. I am hypervigilent. My mother was physically (was thrown down the stairs a few times, smacked, punched, hair) and emotionally abusive (called me useless and a cow a lot). My father was controlling and used religion to stiffle us by telling my brother and I that we were going to burn in hell constantly.
Anyway, I don't want this for my daughter. Any resources to resolve my own trauma would be appreciated. I want her to have a decent, normal life that I never had. I cannot fuck up her life like my parents did mine. I cannot allow this. Someone please help.
How are you Star Fiend? I hope all is well, by the time stamp of this comment your child would be 3 by now? How are things???
Star Fiend forget the past what hapen to you I sujest only a good rligen like yahove withnesses can help you ,u can find them also in internet ,God bless you there in Christianity there is not hele
Dear Star Friend, this very instant you can give your daughter music. The very soft slow gentle music on YT Will do. Clean up your house, bring Christmas atmosphere in your house, encourage her to draw, write or read her sweet stories before going to bed... Invite now and then a friend of her from school to bake pancakes together. You can dress these pancakes with smiling faces. This visit Does not have to take long. Shut down the TV. Play with her, make a walk in the park, talk to her about her dreams. Tell her She is beautiful and good. Hug her, talk in a positive way. See the positive and make the positive as big as you can. It Will become bigger and bigger and the negative Will lose its space and become smaller and smaller... the moment you fight your own demons, put on soft sweet music from YT. Chopin, Mozart, Lovesongs. Last but not least ask for help to G-d, or the Universe, ask for guidance, lift your spirit upwards and never, ever give up Hope. This works. 🐣🎄🦋
It’s not what happens to us that messes us up as much as what we believe about ourselves and others as a result. Pay attention to the inner dialogue you have with yourself. I find whenever I have a negative emotion there is a negative belief about myself attached. So something happens and I feel stupid. The belief is I am stupid. But what is the truth? It feels true but it isn’t true. Then I replace that with a truth statement about myself like, “Reasonably intelligent people still make mistakes and I am a reasonably intelligent person, in fact there are a lot of things I can do very well.” I have to do this for each belief as I discover them and practice until it becomes automatic. Then when I get triggered my brain will follow the new path and I don’t stay stuck in the old broken beliefs. Better beliefs produce better results.
You are a kind and caring person who had broken parents but you are aware and are making changes to become even better. Love the hurt child inside of you the same as you love your own child. Give the child inside permission to make mistakes and to grow and develop the same as you will do for your own. You are a survivor who is learning how to live. Let the little survivor inside you know that it can rest now and that you are going to do everything you can to take care of it’s needs.
I wish you newfound joy on your journey of healing and restoration.
How’s your daughter? It’s been 9 years.
Grew up with a schizophrenic mother. I turned out...tough. I am Fucking strong.
me too,,but it has been a brutal trial
The fight response is terrifying. It explodes like a wild beast that is on the defense for survival, reacting to the sight of helplessness with blinding rage. Then when you try to get yourself back, you find yourself on the verge of losing consciousness.
FAWN, or learned helplessness is also "an F" in this. There are 4.
That would be categorized as "freeze."
And your source? Pete Walker has a book about this. One of my favorite. Freeze is a short term, instant response. Fawn is long term. More akin to stockholmes..
@@Lioness_of_Gaia Dan Siegel, the Developing Mind, specifically polyvagal stress responses. The reason this is described in terms of fight, flight, or freeze is based on our instantanious response to stress & the decreased capacity of our brains to function outside of these limited pathways.
I believe fawning would be a long term habit or strategy for dealing with stress but isn't a characteristic of the polyvagal nerve response that temporarily arrests the full application of brain functioning in an alarming / stressful situation.
@@p.rabbitt4914 that was written in 2012.... I think I get your point, but don't feel that fawning should be left out due to how you specifically framed it. I am much more interested in getting useful information out to help people than in getting stuck on old paradigms and ego.
@@p.rabbitt4914 Now that I look, Pete Walker's book was only one year later..... Still, it bothers me when helpful info is "poo poo'd" in favor of semantics that fit old belief systems that seem more ego driven and self serving or coddling those who disdain cognitive dissonance instead of dishing out simple remedies to those who would rather watch a 10 minute video instead of read a book.
I was/am still terrified of my mother. I am 55 years old. I finally went no contact 5 years ago.
This is briljant. It’s so clear.
im 41 and Tik tok brought me here... This is me just realized about myself o all these yrs
I dont know which one is sadder, that you were abused as a kid or you are 41 and watching tik tok
@@theTutenstien I wasn't abused and I know all different ages on tik tok asshole... you obviously know nothing about tiktok to sit there and talk shit about it
@@Fonzi79 Hahahaha Im just kidding
Does someone know the effect of first scure attachment of a child, then loss of the father at 18 month and then loss of the mother at 23 month due to illegal child abduction abroad on the attachment system of the child?.
@Ads Suk Thank you!
Hello from Philadelphia Walks PTSD 🙏💗👑
I LOVE the place from which Dr. Siegel is coming, however, people in the scientific field seem to almost exclusively focus on the brain and I would submit that until we include the heart, and, particularly the "second brain" in the conversation, we are missing some much deeper elements of emotional coherence
All emotion emerges from the brain. The closest thing to an independently functioning organ are your intestines.
Thanks, Tsou, for your "thoughts" however, I believe from experience, that emotion is an energy emanating from the solar plexus that inspires the "head."
I don't really want to argue so this will be my last comment. I understand that you believe that, and you might have made a connection with whatever you have experienced, but many people's experience can say otherwise, we only have facts to look at to represent the world accurately because human's tendency to prescribe superstition that is inconsistent with other human beings leaks into our perception of reality. You can chose to believe what you want, but if you want to think critically and be taken seriously with your hypothesis and conclusions about your claim, you need facts. Science should and will reliably flush out superstition and ill-based conclusions with the scientific method. This is why science is our best attempt at understanding the world we live in. Regardless of what we feel about it. Bad ideas do not respond well to pressure and if you get anything out of this reply, it's that you could in your own time, pressure your own ideas. Only by failing to disprove your hypothesis, can you reliably conclude it's correct.
thanks for your thoughts, Tsou
@TheEmpowHer AGREED
Attachment is formed in the first 3 years of life not millions of years. ❤
❤thank you ❤
Omg.. i feel terrible hearing this ..any help dr Dan?
I was also viewing this in terms of neurodivergence as a decent amount of adhd have a more disorganized style, and then you try your best to get out of and expand beyond your issues and stuff and eventually get smacked down and make some mistake that leads to abandonment in something you poured yourself into and in the process of trying to fix your self it’s like you learn so much about people and trying to understand one self and them that the whole f’ing society dosent ever with any amount of research come off in a way that it’s going to meet any of your needs and just use you and spit you out and OMFG there is that side of the internet showing how women and men work, and that while it dosent show you how to have a secure attatchment in relationships(that’s important) even though it does talk a lot of truth of patterns, though can be a bit black and white, and then you you struggle with the fact that apparently you have to play office politics and learn that and then understanding the whole bio/psycho/social/cultural model of causation and then ignoring what the news says but understanding politics from that bio/psycho/social and evolutionary why, cognitive process, behavioral implementation in the physical and social enviroment and the odds are you are at home with one of the parents trying to figure all this out all the while the entire world has been turned into a 3d chess game that no body no institution no religion no country no nothing every gave you any help in navigating and it’s like some days your fighting to fix and others your hopeless and you occilate between a sort of fighting to fix and control what you can and find out what you can and shutting down with a why even try sort of learned helplessness. And it’s like the only option is to start your own company or completely homestead because “fuck others” despite being. hyper extravert, it’s like no end to this. But some things we can make more progress on. And it sucks when there are social skills you can learn that on average make things go better, but because nothing works with everybody 100% of the time, well odds are most things that work with many, don’t work with that one person you have in front of you to practice on.
Collection of terrifying experiences
Could this be why I sabotaged my 25 year marriage with two affairs? I match this attachment theory
How do you resolve this?
If you find the answer please let me know
@@Prettyordying I will definitely try
I just watched a video by Dr Daniel Brown. I don't know if you've heard of him. He claims they're developed techniques to heal . I just found out about it today and did an exercise/meditation called idealised parental imagination or something like that, which is supposed to to install a new positive attachment experience. His group also has a website called the Attachment Project.
I would highly recommend two books:
"Running On Empty" by Dr. Jonice Webb, a nurturance/neglect book and
"Trauma And Recovery" by Dr. Judith Herman, a trauma/recovery book
These were eye-opening to me, maybe they will be for you, too.
In which book does he discuss this?
So sad. My girlfriend suffers from this.
Fantastic
Very helpful, thank you.
Brilliant. Thank you.
Is this covert narcissist? .How would you know the difference?
maybe i have this shit. im kinda sacred.
This explains a lot about me
Familiar...💔
OMG my ex was like this when I would raise my hand
I am showing up so fucking late to the game. I am surprised there are actually good coherent tenets coming from psychology.
Frightened and confused behaviour of the caregiver
😭😭😭
Yeah but where is the example of the disorganized child?
i don't think that you can connect these things with mirror neurons.
IYKYK
freeze
Same 😂
👍
So what is the point of pointing this out and not providing solutions?
Humans seek healing.
Spirit to spirit means God can help heal. Amen?
Person to person means healthy relationships can enable healing.
🙄
This is me
Arque. No one arque anymore? ...
Me
Wow we used to be fish in caves??
100% ugh