Absolutely… it does create a lot of suffering. I hope you will find a way through this and know that healing is possible. If you are interested, the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy playlist I have on my channel offers various insights and techniques that can help people struggling with trauma and attachment difficulties.
I’m 37 and I know I have this. I struggle so much to find long lasting romantic relationships because I always think they’re gonna leave, use me, or hurt me. I literally say the meanest things and end things. I’m all over the place 😩 It is so exhausting
Really will keep you in my prayers.. it’s torture and navigating it feels hopeless. I find myself going full detachment thinking it’s the only way to get centered enough to understand where to begin. I dnt bother to explain myself to anyone because I dnt think they will care nor have empathy. So it’s like pretending to live normally and having this conflicted feeling inside. Anxiety and panic as soon as I realize I love someone and immediately the sabotage begins. Every relationship I had the guy thinks I’m nuts 🥜🤷🏻♀️
I'm eighteen and crying watching this video. It sucks feeling like your entire life was destroyed and is hopeless all because of your parents not protecting you from themselves.
I’m so sorry to hear about your painful upbringing. I hope you will be able to get help and support so you can build the life you would like to have as an adult. It may feel hopeless but I can tell you from experience that it is always possible to turn things around. 💕🙏
@@noneofyourbuizness So yes from what I gather is that this can definitely be changed. Now the very first thing I will suggest is looking up Thais Gibson on TH-cam, and she has very good videos regarding the disorganized attachment, aka fearful avoidant. Through her she also has a school that can be taken at home from laptop or phone. It is called PDS, which is the Personal Development School which she is the co creator of. She has given amazing insight on the Fearful Avoidant, as well as Dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied. In this school she actually has courses where she helps you reprogram your brain, basically teaching you how to manage uncontrollable and uncomfortable feelings that are actually subconscious strategies that feel extremely real to those FAs. Now through reprogramming with workbooks and worksheets and webinars she actually helps you tackle old wounds that are triggered while in relationships. The subconscious is strong, but once you see and understand differently, you actually will be amazed how much things will make sense for you and once you have an understanding, you then change those behaviors. Withing about 6 to 8 weeks you will already feel lighter and handle situations without the heavy feelings associated with it.
My mother was emotionally unstable and unpredictable. She would take so many things personally, and I didn't feel like I couldn't truly talk to her seriously about anything without it being a whole ordeal. Although as a child I was attached at the hip to my mom anyways. I was so afraid of being without her, yet at the same time she wasn't meeting all my needs. She gave me the message that I couldn't trust my self. But she was all I had, and that wasn't a good thing because I couldn't have myself and her at the same time. It's interesting because I was so close to her and reliant on her as a child but when I got older and grew more into myself I isolated myself and became very distant from her. She left with me the fear of being rejected by others, the fear of messing up or being wrong, and the fear of not fully being seen, understood, and approved of. So I've been very isolated because of this, but I'm trying to find people to let in but it's hard because all I've known is being misunderstood.
I totally get you. This is the kind of relationship I have with my mother. It really is hard especially now that I am an adult. It’s hard for me to have meaningful and lasting relationships with other people.
that's so damn into the point.. i don't even have anything to add, your story sounds literally like my own. you've articulated these feelings so precise, thank you. and.. i wish you strength, and inner harmony. we all will get through it and become happier
So so so glad to have found your comment. You put in words so well what I’ve been trying to verbalize for ages. Sucks for us that we have that experience in common but so graceful to have come across this ❤
The most useful I’ve seen on disorganised attachment style so far, thank you. I definitely became a caretaker child for my emotionally unstable mother. I remember pleading with her one night when I was a young adult ‘just be a mum for me’ and she just stared back at me blankly like I was speaking a foreign language.
I'm glad the video was useful, but I'm also sorry to hear you had the burden of being a parentified child. I hope you can find some peace and healing. 🙏
Thanks for this video. My earliest memory is having been traumatised by my Dad's anger and rough handling. My very earliest memory is one of being in shock after my Dad had traumatised me. Unfortunately for me my Dad was emotionally abusive and undermined me all through my childhood. I grew up very anxiously and with very low worth. Aged 55 and I have suffered a great deal from depression and have been very suicidal at times. I always liked to go off on my own and get right away from other people in order to feel safe. My Dad ruined any chance of my ever achieving any real happiness in life but at least I don't have kids myself so at least I have not got to feel guity about passing my problems on to my own children in the way my Dad did to me.
How sad and unfortunate that you grew up with such an abusive father. I hope you will have some opportunities for healing and positive connections in your adult life. 🙏💕
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 thank you - I have healed a lot but I never get completely past how my childhood made me feel utterly worthless, empty and desolate. And then I found out that people I thought loved me didn't care that I felt worthless, empty and desolate as long as I did not do anything to upset or inconvenience them and that made me feel like I didn't matter. That made me feel so angry I wanted to destroy everything including myself. Amazing though that having an open mind can allow you to see things clearly - even writing this youtube comment is helping me to understand my emotions. Thank you for giving me this opprtunity to vent.
you literally just described my entire life. did we have the same dad? ha. i self isolate too because it's safer. I dated emotionally unavailable/emotionally abusive men because that's what i was used to and subconsciously thought i deserved. it was re-traumatizing and drove me further and further away from any kind of close relationship. as a human, i desire close relationships, but there's no effing way i'm risking what i've already been through too many times. I self-isolate often as a result as well. It's just safer. I also don't have kids. i simply cannot justify bringing a baby into such an enormously painful planet. I'm so sorry you experienced much of the same, but you are not alone in that. much love.
@@todaystomorrow2545 telling someone who has been deeply traumatized to forgive them and be free is super tone-deaf, gaslighting and adds to the feelings of pressure, guilt and shame. he doesn't have to forgive anyone if he doesn't want. many times it's more healing if you acknowledge your justified feelings of rage and deeply rooted grief, and that you don't want to forgive your abuser. it's self empowering to acknowledge feelings of hate instead of disempowering when someone pressures you to forgive. that ideology is grossly outdated; it's an old BS "lesson in wisdom" passed down from a religious book. No one has to forgive anyone if we don't want to. and why should we? so what if they were abused, too. it was their responsibility to end the cycle with us, and they failed. they chose not to heal. They chose not to understand us or our feelings, so why should we be empathetic with them and feel pressured/guilted into forgiveness if we don't want? F that. F abusers.
I was told by a counselor i might have the avoidant attachment style. I definitely don’t have a healthy attachment so I figured it was correct. However, I gave up on learning about attachment styles when the avoidant attachment didn’t seem to connect. Then I found this video! I have disorganized attachment! Everything falls in place & now I know what to work on. Thank you!
Having a mother tell you she loves you and as a child trusting that after the mother just tried to stab you to death is confusing. Living in constant fear and craving to be hugged and loved by the mother at the same time is the worst experience ever. After 45 years of life I am finally understanding this attachment style.
The difficulty part was this described what happened to me and how I unintentionally raised my kids. You have no idea about any of this until after you go through it with your kids. I worked so hard to be a good mom, friend, wife. But I was emotionally all over the place. On top of that, I attracted unhealthy people into my life so you can't tell if it's them or me. Smh! On the surface, I was living a good life. I had totally ignored what was real to make everything fit. I had great friends, family and spouse. Then I took a mindset course and found out it was all fake! I had totally misread everyone around me. I was a people pleaser. Avoiding confrontation. Projecting my feeling onto people. Pretending not to see things I knew I should address. I thought i had life all figured out. What a shock! Now I'm on an innerwork journey that keeps going and going.
I know how painful it can be to look back and regret some of the choices you made when raising your kids. But it truly sounds like at the time you did the best you could given your own history and what you knew. I'm glad to hear that you are embarking on an innerwork journey now and hope that you will find some healing, self-compassion, and peace. It's never too late!
I have disorganized attachment but I’m very logic and truth oriented. So everything I say and do I try to always align with truth even when I’m wrong about what truth is. I’m constantly trying to evaluate what is going on in my mind and responses even if I can’t understand it. And when I know something is wrong I try to understand and change it. It all can take years of work. I don’t have pride in much nor should I, but evaluating with right or wrong conclusions is something I’m glad I do.
Starting to really dig into this work after finding myself in a mess of emotion in the last couple of years. I am so grateful for content creators like you making this information available. Your specific way of describing this attachment style and related issues was very helpful to me and certainly resonated. I felt validated as the video went on. Thank you thank you!!
This is so amazing. I was wondering a few days ago, why do I always freeze in alarming situations. I never run or fight - I just always freeze, that seemed weird to me. So this helps, thank you ❤️
I cried as I listened to this. I ended up here after listening to the dismissive video. I had been dating a guy who had the dismissive tendencies. I've been greiving him for far too long and figured if I learned why he behaved the way that he did, it would help. This didn't explain why I responded the way that I did so I ended up here. I've been greiving a guy I knew for less than 4 months, for about 6 weeks now. I'm not as bad but still not bad. I'd be triggered if I saw him. I purposely chose to demonstrate secure behaviours which is why it probably lasted as long as it did. I also cut him off. My old therapist mentioned that she believed that I was FA. This video really resonated with me. I always can so activated that I can't get out of it. I won't hurt myself but definitely find that being a person is more pain than it's worth.
I'm sorry to hear about your painful relationship but glad that you were able to resonate with this video. You might also find that you can relate to some of the developmental trauma styles I discuss in some of my newer videos. The style closest to Disorganized Attachment is the "Connection Survival Style." If you feel it might help, you're welcome to check it out.
This is such a helpful channel!! Definitely helps a ton to have someone help along with what to do and ecen is a hit of motivation to work on my DBT book while i wait for group therapy!! You explain everything in such a good way and give a nice indication of where to start and what to work on. Thank you sooooo much. ❤️❤️❤️
My dad had major anger issues. He was violent, very intimidating and enjoyed humiliating everyone. My mon is a covert narcissist. To her, my father was a good man. If he was sometimes abusive, it was because I didn't love him enough. I'm now over 60 and I still wish I never came to life.
I’m so sorry to hear about this painful upbringing you had with your parents. It’s true that it can continue to impact a person many years later. But I hope you know that healing is still possible at any age. If seeing a good therapist isn’t a possibility, you may benefit from my Sensorimotor Psychotherapy series which is available on my channel for free. It is designed to help us work through the after effects of painful traumatic or attachment experiences. There are a lot of really helpful tools available there. Much love, Dr. May
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thanks, I sure will check it out, as you are the first person who explain to me so well what I've been through. So, thanks so much again.
This video is incredibly helpful to support how one creates skills to survive unavailable parents I have been doing my personal best to heal what my parents did to me ( my therapist says it was torture ) over 30 years of therapy Once I understood the label FA lightbulbs went off Then disorganized left me with an awareness of a pattern of creating layers of disorganization in how I live to unconditionally keep a bit of that crazy chaos charge around. Now I’m going deeper… I think I’ve lived most of my waking life in fein * the deer adapting to what could go wrong. My endocrine and nervous system have been damaged from living in a state of distress for most of my life. I appreciate your video here There doesn’t seem to be that much online that I found, I did attend the personal development school as well and some of that information was very helpful. Thank you for your service.
Thank you for sharing your story. You certainly have been through a lot and I admire your courage and ongoing willingness to work on your healing, If you are interested, you might find some of my developmental trauma style videos helpful in increasing your understanding. Best wishes, Dr. May
Thank you for this video. My therapist had me take an assessment yesterday and this is what my results showed. I had never heard of this but what you’ve described sounds a lot like what I’ve experienced.
Your videos have been so helpful. Through dating on and off for a year I slowly yet painfully discovered that I had not only an anxious/preoccupied attachment but a favorite person relationship to my partner who was disorganized. Talk about a thrilling rollercoaster. Lol I changed my relationship to the truth with your radical acceptance videos because I did not want to believe all this pain and tragedy. I’m currently working on getting them back with this new found knowledge. Of course I’ll keep my prostitute archetype at bay and balance GIVE, FAST, my needs AND their needs and see what happens. Wish me luck haha Thanks Dr. May. 💙
Thanks so much for writing. I apologize for the late response! I'm glad that my videos helped you to gain some personal insights. Working through our attachment styles and relationship patterns can be a long a challenging process, and I give you credit for taking some steps in a positive direction. Keep moving forward and being patient with yourself through this process. I do wish you the best of luck in your healing journey! Love, Dr. May
Fantastic video, thank you so much. It's painful, exhilarating, liberating, sobering, intense and SO useful to watch such clear, on-point videos. Great great work
Thank you so much for making this. I'm 33, and have been in therapy for about a year now. For whatever reason, I've never heard of attachment styles, and this has been a massive breakthrough. I'm going to have to ask my therapist why she never brought this up previously, but in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm finally ready to heal.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 I definitely will. I'm feeling some new sensation for the first time - a mix of elation and mourning, and I know I have a lot of homework to do. But I finally feel ready. I've been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a child, and now I have a lot of questions and rethinking to do. Thank you so much, again.
❤ everyone watching 😢 I hope no matter when you come across this video your at least okay and this can be figured out. I know the hell of it all but if there is a will there is a way right 🤷🏻♀️
thank you for this video, i'm sincerely grateful for how much useful information you've put into it. everything is so structured and clear, i have found myself in most of what you were talking about. you're a truly good and professional psychologist
Thanks so much 🙏 If you’re interested, take a look at my new videos on Developmental Trauma adaptive survival styles. The closest one to this video is the Connection style, but you may relate to others as well.
Gosh Dr May i just gotta say thank you for doing all these videos (have watched a substantial minority of your videos. i have to rewatch and process and pace myself. i want to thank you for saying what you say about disorganized attachment typically leads to CPTSD. so frequently CPTSD and BPD are conflated and theres so much difference. We lean more avoident then anxious tho only slightly. DID system here, under a chosen name due to being an oea (ramcoa) survivor. people dont even want to believe "organized exreme abuse" happens. it does. CPTSD automatically goes hand in hand with DID. BPD is frequently co-occuring additionally but not always. we have subclinical Borderline traits but dont meet the criteria. we have been working on healing our attachment style significantly over several years of having safe people who are willing to be patient and listen and work out conflict and such on a consistant basis.. we still score highly/extremely disorganized on attachment assessments. (jmho as the "identified patient" of my family, the ones who are *actually sick* here are the abusers who traumatized a childs brain to the point of alteration of its structure &/or function. stands to reason, in my brain that insists on retaining full reality testing and sanity despite the, yes, paranoia and terror you are stuck living with, and the flashbacks and everything.) idk ill stop rambling. i just love how you dont pathologize humans trying to heal. it takes a real long time to get this f'ed up and yea. likely the rest of my life to get un-f'ed up.
Thanks for your note and sharing some of your story. I’m sorry to hear about your painful history but glad you are on a path of healing. I’m glad that my videos have been helpful to you and appreciate you letting me know. Wishing you love and peace 🙏❤️
I have spent the past 20 plus years healing on and off without understanding my Attachment style. I don't have all the traits anymore, but the ones I do I am working on.
My mother used to mock me all the time... It took a LONG time before I was finally strong enough to tell her to stop. She had a miscarriage before me, and I've always felt like her least favorite child. I don't think she was ready for me when I was born; my parents were emotionally neglectful of us kids. My sister is the sick one, my little brother is 'the baby'. My mother withdrew from me after I told her how I felt and called her out on some of her awful behavior. Of course she got psycho, defensive and angry. I can't talk to her like an adult. She still puts me down and I feel bad around her often, so I barely communicate with her. I never visit because I know I'll leave feeling bad. Pretty positive I took on a lot of her trauma, and she projects her inadequate feelings onto me...
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 I appreciate that, and your content is really helpful. I'm just scared I'll just be stuck in this gray area of fear, distrust and self sabotage forever... I have the worst time with self worth because the parental love I got was conditional.
My heart goes out to you. I have fearful avoidant attachment (other name for disorganized). Had some big trauma in early childhood and then ongoing dismissive, invalidating, traumas throughout. I found out about it through The Personal Development School TH-cam channel. She has changed my life. I’ve been to many therapists, but none have come close to helping me like her. I have been able to identify some of my core wounds, subconscious programming (and very importantly, HOW to reprogram) and how that effects my narratives, relationships and everything. I have hope and have been healing, I feel I can figure out my needs and boundaries (as I didn’t have much of a sense of those before) and am learning to communicate them. I’m learning to reparent myself. Empowerment that I never knew was possible. I hear you, I hear your pain, and I want you to know, it can be healed. It’s a process, for sure, but it’s a ray of hope/light. I wish you healing, and deep abiding peace 💫💛
Thank you so much. I thought I had a preoccupied anxious attachment style but at 31 I realize I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. Or maybe I have both.
Sure, I have two videos related to this topic. Here are the names of them and the links: Creating Feelings of Safety - th-cam.com/video/XUwsbkFIOew/w-d-xo.html RO DBT - Lesson 03 - Activating Social Safety - The Big Three + 1 -th-cam.com/video/5pbtoMbiFvg/w-d-xo.html
Sorry for the late reply! I looked it up and they do seem to be the same thing with different names. It is also sometimes called disoriented attachment.
@jennifermayph.d.2761 It's okay. I really appreciate your response because I was a little confused about the fearful avoidant one. I've never heard of the disoriented attachment style. I'll have to look it up. Thanks again!
Thanks for a very informative and compassionate post! I can't believe I have only just discovered your content. It makes a lot of sense, the diagrams are helpful and you explain it well. Thank you!
Dr may, than you for this explanation, but what about help for people with more hypoarousal /freeze response/avoidance? DBT doesn’t help this ..any ideas ? Somatic work ? I’m near giving up looking for help
I'm still confused whether I'm in Anxious/Preoccupied or Disorganized. My parents had inconsistent presence in my childhood, I don't get along with them emotionally, I was abused by my cousin consequently being emotionally distant with my whole family. At this point, I started to calculate the amount of emotion I give to particular friends. There are some friends where I can be completely open up emotionally and there those friends where I cannot because it is going to cause conflict. When it comes to romantic relationship, I've never been in one yet but I'm always dreaming about having someone that is emotionally secure and can understand me emotionally but I fear the commitment and responsibility that comes with a romantic relationship. Multiple online say I'm anxious, other say I'm avoidant, while others say I'm both. I'm confused, what is my attachment style?
Hi there, It is possible to have different attachment styles with different people. Not everyone has a single unitary style that applies in all their relationships. And some people are predominantly anxious/preoccupied, for example, and sometimes segue into disorganized attachment under certain stressful relational circumstances. You might also find that you can identify with one or more of the developmental trauma styles and that they might best capture your experience. I have videos on all 5 of them on my channel. Hope that helps! Dr. May
I promise you can! It takes reprogramming your mother’s “voice” that you’ve adopted as your own...on repeat, internal dialogue. Learning to reprogram and choosing the lens that you want to view yourself through, is so, so empowering. Otherwise, we give our power up and let someone determine our self view. We project that which we contain inside ourselves....meaning, your mom thought she was a stupid, idiot, and couldn’t handle how that made her feel and spewed it out onto others. If she loved and valued herself, she wouldn’t have done this. Because she couldn’t love and value herself, she couldn’t truly love or value anyone else. It’s like having an empty bank account. You can’t give anyone anything, if you have nothing to begin with. Unfortunately that has lasting painful consequences, when others are so deeply unconscious and hurting everyone around them, trying to avoid their own pain...and it’s goes on and on, until one of us wakes up and learns to stop it. Reparenting is powerful. Learning your core wounds and how you’ve been subconsciously programmed in childhood is powerful...and how to heal. The Personal Development School has helped me beyond measure. She has a TH-cam channel too and I have been helped more through that than any therapist...and I’ve seen a handful! I wish you healing 💫
Hi there, I have a few videos on the topic. Two are from the Radically Open DBT series: RO DBT - Lesson 03 - Activating Social Safety - The Big Three + 1 th-cam.com/video/5pbtoMbiFvg/w-d-xo.html RO DBT - Lesson 04 - Enhancing Openness and Social Connection via Loving Kindness th-cam.com/video/_bwNhRZqzJ0/w-d-xo.html And one was just a general video on feeling safe: Creating Feelings of Safety th-cam.com/video/XUwsbkFIOew/w-d-xo.html I would also recommend videos from my Sensorimotor Psychotherapy series, which offer skills and resources to help with trauma and attachment issues.
Dr. May--I deleted my comment before seeing your reply. There were a lot of “rights,” but as I continued to listen, I saw that there was also a lot of good content and kindness, so you didn’t deserve the hit--I apologize. I’m in a pretty rough place right now, which is why I’m doing internet searches on disorganized attachment -- and why I was in a less than kind mood. You do good work--no need to change anything!
That’s okay… but I appreciate you writing back and looking past the flaws in my speaking style to benefit from the content. (See, nobody’s perfect, “right”? 😊). I hope things will get a little better and easier for you. 💕
They say that in children, trauma symptoms are sometimes mistaken for ADHD. One interesting resource you may like for ADHD is Daniel Amen. Based on many thousands of brain scans, he identified 7 different types of ADHD. You can even take a free brain quiz on his website to estimate what brain type you have and how best to make your brain healthier. brainhealthassessment.com/
Hello Jennifer, your content is amazingly clear, thank you so much. I live with a disorganized fearful avoidant. How to reconcile his need for distance/escape (without me contacting him) and at the same time his need to be reassured/safe that I am not abandoning him?... Thank you.
Hi Lolo, Thanks for watching and thanks for your note. I don't think there is a short and easy answer to your question. But I would say with regard to your roommate/partner, try to be as validating and patient as you can. Understanding his attachment style and developmental trauma definitely can help. Do your best to meet his needs in a reasonable way, but don't hang your self-esteem on some idea that you will cure or rescue him. Try your best, but understand that whatever you do may still not feel to him like "enough." Adjust your expectations so you do not feel disappointment when he is not capable of being there for you consistently. Develop outside connections and hobbies so there are other nourishing things in your life that you can rely on. Hope that helps a little! Best always, Dr. May
I used to think that it was the people around me who had issues. Then I found out that I'm disorganised. I'm trying to deal with this issue but damn is it hard if you're broke.
Very hard… even when people voluntarily come to therapy to work on themselves change is hard. Getting other people to change is even harder. Sometimes if you have enough of a rapport and some leverage you can have some influence but it depends.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 such a bizarre attachment style where they seem to sabotage the same relationship that they just worked so hard to build... Just when they start to get close
Their attachment system (fawn , attach, cry for help) is competing with their threat system (fight, flight, freeze, fold), and this creates the puzzling contradictions.
Yes. You might, for example, be preoccupied at some times and under stress become more disorganized. You can have one attachment style with one person and a different one with another person. Your style can also change over time.
A great site that goes into more detail and healing is The Personal Development School. The TH-cam channel is where I first found out I had fearful avoidant attachment (also called disorganized). Finding out about the core wounds, subconscious programming (and how to reprogram)... has empowered me more than any therapist to this point.
How painful... I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope that you will eventually get to a place where you realize that you still have value and be worthwhile regardless of how your mom feels. If you're interested, you might benefit from some of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy material that I have on my channel. It's really comprehensive and offers useful tools for moving past the residual effects of attachment and trauma issues.
Help? I caused my son attachment disorders all by ONE day! I never got onto him. Then the one day I did I caused him ptsd. I am trying to get him help still but he stopped talking so we are trying to get him talking again. I yelled at him to shut up and stop talking to go to bed so his daddy didn’t get onto him anymore and apparently that can cause ptsd. I was his only secure attachment though. His go to. Now I am suffering because I caused him suffering accidentally. I can’t sleep. I can’t stop panicking. He is avoiding talking to me now. And disorganized as well. Comes to me whenever he is afraid but then is afraid of talking to me. This is all a big disaster but I’m trying my best to fix it all. 😢🥺😭
I’m so sorry to hear this. How old is your son? Can you work on interactive repair with him to reestablish trust? Is there another trusted adult in your lives that can help him and you reconnect?
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 he can’t interact with me at all. It’s 100% dissociation with everyone. He can’t talk like himself anymore. I don’t know what to do at all. I am so lost. Nobody will help him. He can’t process anything under this. I am so broken.
Fix or leave your relationship. You are not a reliable parent if you aren’t BARE MINIMUM protecting him by giving him a happy home. It will only get worse if you don’t take some initiative
If you don't learn red flags as a child and you don't understand or know what red flags are as an adult I managed to shut that all out when it came to looking after my own children I didn't want my kids growing up with the shit I went through I was neglected and suffer from cptsd and I'm still suffering now having had lots of councling i needed help and there was no one to help I remember everything from being a child and that's what got him 20 years
Have you ever come across a patient who did not develop Disorganized Attachment from childhood, but did so later in life? I'm asking because someone I'm very close to exhibits all of the signs of DA and had many back to back traumatic experiences in adulthood that I believe led to this.
Yes. There is always the possibility of experiencing relational trauma in adulthood, which can create symptoms that are similar to disorganized attachment styles.
This attachment is so exhausting. So much suffering included. I hope I can heal it one day. I'm 26 and already so exhausted by it. 🤯
Absolutely… it does create a lot of suffering. I hope you will find a way through this and know that healing is possible.
If you are interested, the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy playlist I have on my channel offers various insights and techniques that can help people struggling with trauma and attachment difficulties.
I’m 37 and I know I have this. I struggle so much to find long lasting romantic relationships because I always think they’re gonna leave, use me, or hurt me. I literally say the meanest things and end things. I’m all over the place 😩 It is so exhausting
@@normadenisesaenz2464 aaw girl ❤️
Why is it so hard to find a video that give us real tips on how to heal.
Really will keep you in my prayers.. it’s torture and navigating it feels hopeless. I find myself going full detachment thinking it’s the only way to get centered enough to understand where to begin. I dnt bother to explain myself to anyone because I dnt think they will care nor have empathy. So it’s like pretending to live normally and having this conflicted feeling inside. Anxiety and panic as soon as I realize I love someone and immediately the sabotage begins. Every relationship I had the guy thinks I’m nuts 🥜🤷🏻♀️
@@noneofyourbuizness cause they want to monetize the treatment
I'm eighteen and crying watching this video. It sucks feeling like your entire life was destroyed and is hopeless all because of your parents not protecting you from themselves.
I’m so sorry to hear about your painful upbringing. I hope you will be able to get help and support so you can build the life you would like to have as an adult. It may feel hopeless but I can tell you from experience that it is always possible to turn things around. 💕🙏
I am sorry to hear of this trauma. I promise it can be changed and you can get rid of it
@@yamieden4350 how? Have you got any tips you can share.
@@noneofyourbuizness
So yes from what I gather is that this can definitely be changed. Now the very first thing I will suggest is looking up Thais Gibson on TH-cam, and she has very good videos regarding the disorganized attachment, aka fearful avoidant. Through her she also has a school that can be taken at home from laptop or phone. It is called PDS, which is the Personal Development School which she is the co creator of. She has given amazing insight on the Fearful Avoidant, as well as Dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied. In this school she actually has courses where she helps you reprogram your brain, basically teaching you how to manage uncontrollable and uncomfortable feelings that are actually subconscious strategies that feel extremely real to those FAs. Now through reprogramming with workbooks and worksheets and webinars she actually helps you tackle old wounds that are triggered while in relationships. The subconscious is strong, but once you see and understand differently, you actually will be amazed how much things will make sense for you and once you have an understanding, you then change those behaviors. Withing about 6 to 8 weeks you will already feel lighter and handle situations without the heavy feelings associated with it.
Really sorry.. I’m reading this comments and feel less alone but same time my heart hurts reading them ❤❤❤❤❤❤
My mother was emotionally unstable and unpredictable. She would take so many things personally, and I didn't feel like I couldn't truly talk to her seriously about anything without it being a whole ordeal. Although as a child I was attached at the hip to my mom anyways. I was so afraid of being without her, yet at the same time she wasn't meeting all my needs. She gave me the message that I couldn't trust my self. But she was all I had, and that wasn't a good thing because I couldn't have myself and her at the same time.
It's interesting because I was so close to her and reliant on her as a child but when I got older and grew more into myself I isolated myself and became very distant from her. She left with me the fear of being rejected by others, the fear of messing up or being wrong, and the fear of not fully being seen, understood, and approved of. So I've been very isolated because of this, but I'm trying to find people to let in but it's hard because all I've known is being misunderstood.
I totally get you. This is the kind of relationship I have with my mother. It really is hard especially now that I am an adult. It’s hard for me to have meaningful and lasting relationships with other people.
that's so damn into the point.. i don't even have anything to add, your story sounds literally like my own. you've articulated these feelings so precise, thank you. and.. i wish you strength, and inner harmony. we all will get through it and become happier
Lord I can TOTAL RELATE to your experience
So so so glad to have found your comment. You put in words so well what I’ve been trying to verbalize for ages. Sucks for us that we have that experience in common but so graceful to have come across this ❤
Are you me? Because I was about to write something like this and found your comment. Damn.
this is the only video on attahcment that actually goes into depth instead of covering the superficial terms and calling it a day
That’s a nice compliment. Thanks!
My other attachment and developmental trauma videos are detailed as well, in case you’d like to learn more.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 indeed they do. this is the first video i found of yours i think. i'm on a binge rn
The most useful I’ve seen on disorganised attachment style so far, thank you. I definitely became a caretaker child for my emotionally unstable mother. I remember pleading with her one night when I was a young adult ‘just be a mum for me’ and she just stared back at me blankly like I was speaking a foreign language.
I'm glad the video was useful, but I'm also sorry to hear you had the burden of being a parentified child. I hope you can find some peace and healing. 🙏
Thank you for posting this. I can’t afford therapy for my disorganized attachment, so watching videos like these are the closest I can get to healing.
Glad to hear and to be of some help. 🩷🙏
Thanks for this video. My earliest memory is having been traumatised by my Dad's anger and rough handling. My very earliest memory is one of being in shock after my Dad had traumatised me. Unfortunately for me my Dad was emotionally abusive and undermined me all through my childhood. I grew up very anxiously and with very low worth. Aged 55 and I have suffered a great deal from depression and have been very suicidal at times. I always liked to go off on my own and get right away from other people in order to feel safe. My Dad ruined any chance of my ever achieving any real happiness in life but at least I don't have kids myself so at least I have not got to feel guity about passing my problems on to my own children in the way my Dad did to me.
How sad and unfortunate that you grew up with such an abusive father. I hope you will have some opportunities for healing and positive connections in your adult life. 🙏💕
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 thank you - I have healed a lot but I never get completely past how my childhood made me feel utterly worthless, empty and desolate. And then I found out that people I thought loved me didn't care that I felt worthless, empty and desolate as long as I did not do anything to upset or inconvenience them and that made me feel like I didn't matter. That made me feel so angry I wanted to destroy everything including myself.
Amazing though that having an open mind can allow you to see things clearly - even writing this youtube comment is helping me to understand my emotions.
Thank you for giving me this opprtunity to vent.
Forgive him and free yourself. Unfortunately reality is he was probably abused and the cycle goes on but you can break that.
you literally just described my entire life. did we have the same dad? ha. i self isolate too because it's safer. I dated emotionally unavailable/emotionally abusive men because that's what i was used to and subconsciously thought i deserved. it was re-traumatizing and drove me further and further away from any kind of close relationship. as a human, i desire close relationships, but there's no effing way i'm risking what i've already been through too many times. I self-isolate often as a result as well. It's just safer. I also don't have kids. i simply cannot justify bringing a baby into such an enormously painful planet. I'm so sorry you experienced much of the same, but you are not alone in that. much love.
@@todaystomorrow2545 telling someone who has been deeply traumatized to forgive them and be free is super tone-deaf, gaslighting and adds to the feelings of pressure, guilt and shame. he doesn't have to forgive anyone if he doesn't want. many times it's more healing if you acknowledge your justified feelings of rage and deeply rooted grief, and that you don't want to forgive your abuser. it's self empowering to acknowledge feelings of hate instead of disempowering when someone pressures you to forgive. that ideology is grossly outdated; it's an old BS "lesson in wisdom" passed down from a religious book. No one has to forgive anyone if we don't want to. and why should we? so what if they were abused, too. it was their responsibility to end the cycle with us, and they failed. they chose not to heal. They chose not to understand us or our feelings, so why should we be empathetic with them and feel pressured/guilted into forgiveness if we don't want? F that. F abusers.
This hurts and I feel so understood hearing this. Finally someone has explained it.
I was told by a counselor i might have the avoidant attachment style. I definitely don’t have a healthy attachment so I figured it was correct. However, I gave up on learning about attachment styles when the avoidant attachment didn’t seem to connect.
Then I found this video! I have disorganized attachment! Everything falls in place & now I know what to work on.
Thank you!
Glad that this helped you to understand yourself. Best of luck with your journey of personal recovery!
Having a mother tell you she loves you and as a child trusting that after the mother just tried to stab you to death is confusing. Living in constant fear and craving to be hugged and loved by the mother at the same time is the worst experience ever. After 45 years of life I am finally understanding this attachment style.
Sorry to hear about your very difficult and traumatic experience. All those mixed messages must be painful and confusing. 😢
God bless you and everything you touch, cherish, and pursue. Thank you.
Wow, thank you. That’s a beautiful thing to say. Many blessings to you as well. 🙏💕
The difficulty part was this described what happened to me and how I unintentionally raised my kids. You have no idea about any of this until after you go through it with your kids. I worked so hard to be a good mom, friend, wife. But I was emotionally all over the place. On top of that, I attracted unhealthy people into my life so you can't tell if it's them or me. Smh! On the surface, I was living a good life. I had totally ignored what was real to make everything fit. I had great friends, family and spouse. Then I took a mindset course and found out it was all fake! I had totally misread everyone around me. I was a people pleaser. Avoiding confrontation. Projecting my feeling onto people. Pretending not to see things I knew I should address. I thought i had life all figured out. What a shock! Now I'm on an innerwork journey that keeps going and going.
I know how painful it can be to look back and regret some of the choices you made when raising your kids. But it truly sounds like at the time you did the best you could given your own history and what you knew.
I'm glad to hear that you are embarking on an innerwork journey now and hope that you will find some healing, self-compassion, and peace. It's never too late!
Wishing you all the best!!
this is probably the best video ive seen explaining this attachment style, thank you so much!
Thanks so much! 🙏
I have disorganized attachment but I’m very logic and truth oriented. So everything I say and do I try to always align with truth even when I’m wrong about what truth is. I’m constantly trying to evaluate what is going on in my mind and responses even if I can’t understand it. And when I know something is wrong I try to understand and change it. It all can take years of work. I don’t have pride in much nor should I, but evaluating with right or wrong conclusions is something I’m glad I do.
I admire your willingness to work on yourself and your recovery by aligning yourself with the truth to the best of your ability.
Starting to really dig into this work after finding myself in a mess of emotion in the last couple of years. I am so grateful for content creators like you making this information available. Your specific way of describing this attachment style and related issues was very helpful to me and certainly resonated. I felt validated as the video went on. Thank you thank you!!
So glad to hear! Thanks for letting me know!
Thank you so very much, this helps❤
Glad to hear! Thanks! 🙏
This is so amazing. I was wondering a few days ago, why do I always freeze in alarming situations. I never run or fight - I just always freeze, that seemed weird to me. So this helps, thank you ❤️
I cried as I listened to this. I ended up here after listening to the dismissive video. I had been dating a guy who had the dismissive tendencies. I've been greiving him for far too long and figured if I learned why he behaved the way that he did, it would help. This didn't explain why I responded the way that I did so I ended up here. I've been greiving a guy I knew for less than 4 months, for about 6 weeks now. I'm not as bad but still not bad. I'd be triggered if I saw him. I purposely chose to demonstrate secure behaviours which is why it probably lasted as long as it did. I also cut him off. My old therapist mentioned that she believed that I was FA. This video really resonated with me. I always can so activated that I can't get out of it. I won't hurt myself but definitely find that being a person is more pain than it's worth.
I'm sorry to hear about your painful relationship but glad that you were able to resonate with this video. You might also find that you can relate to some of the developmental trauma styles I discuss in some of my newer videos. The style closest to Disorganized Attachment is the "Connection Survival Style." If you feel it might help, you're welcome to check it out.
This is such a helpful channel!! Definitely helps a ton to have someone help along with what to do and ecen is a hit of motivation to work on my DBT book while i wait for group therapy!!
You explain everything in such a good way and give a nice indication of where to start and what to work on.
Thank you sooooo much. ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for your kind note! Glad to help! 🙏💕
My dad had major anger issues. He was violent, very intimidating and enjoyed humiliating everyone. My mon is a covert narcissist. To her, my father was a good man. If he was sometimes abusive, it was because I didn't love him enough. I'm now over 60 and I still wish I never came to life.
I’m so sorry to hear about this painful upbringing you had with your parents. It’s true that it can continue to impact a person many years later.
But I hope you know that healing is still possible at any age. If seeing a good therapist isn’t a possibility, you may benefit from my Sensorimotor Psychotherapy series which is available on my channel for free. It is designed to help us work through the after effects of painful traumatic or attachment experiences. There are a lot of really helpful tools available there.
Much love,
Dr. May
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thanks, I sure will check it out, as you are the first person who explain to me so well what I've been through. So, thanks so much again.
This video is incredibly helpful to support how one creates skills to survive unavailable parents
I have been doing my personal best to heal what my parents did to me ( my therapist says it was torture ) over 30 years of therapy
Once I understood the label FA lightbulbs went off
Then disorganized left me with an awareness of a pattern of creating layers of disorganization in how I live to unconditionally keep a bit of that crazy chaos charge around.
Now I’m going deeper… I think I’ve lived most of my waking life in fein * the deer adapting to what could go wrong.
My endocrine and nervous system have been damaged from living in a state of distress for most of my life.
I appreciate your video here
There doesn’t seem to be that much online that I found, I did attend the personal development school as well and some of that information was very helpful. Thank you for your service.
Thank you for sharing your story. You certainly have been through a lot and I admire your courage and ongoing willingness to work on your healing,
If you are interested, you might find some of my developmental trauma style videos helpful in increasing your understanding.
Best wishes,
Dr. May
Thank you for the video. It always hurts to encounter something that is that accurate.
Thank you for this video. My therapist had me take an assessment yesterday and this is what my results showed.
I had never heard of this but what you’ve described sounds a lot like what I’ve experienced.
Your videos have been so helpful. Through dating on and off for a year I slowly yet painfully discovered that I had not only an anxious/preoccupied attachment but a favorite person relationship to my partner who was disorganized. Talk about a thrilling rollercoaster. Lol I changed my relationship to the truth with your radical acceptance videos because I did not want to believe all this pain and tragedy. I’m currently working on getting them back with this new found knowledge. Of course I’ll keep my prostitute archetype at bay and balance GIVE, FAST, my needs AND their needs and see what happens. Wish me luck haha Thanks Dr. May. 💙
Thanks so much for writing. I apologize for the late response!
I'm glad that my videos helped you to gain some personal insights. Working through our attachment styles and relationship patterns can be a long a challenging process, and I give you credit for taking some steps in a positive direction. Keep moving forward and being patient with yourself through this process. I do wish you the best of luck in your healing journey!
Love,
Dr. May
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 no problem, take your time. Thank you! I'm too hard on myself. I'll try to be more patient with myself. Thanks!
Fantastic video, thank you so much. It's painful, exhilarating, liberating, sobering, intense and SO useful to watch such clear, on-point videos. Great great work
Thanks so much. 💕💕
Thank you so much for making this. I'm 33, and have been in therapy for about a year now. For whatever reason, I've never heard of attachment styles, and this has been a massive breakthrough. I'm going to have to ask my therapist why she never brought this up previously, but in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm finally ready to heal.
So glad you found this helpful. You may also gain insights from some of my developmental trauma videos, if you’re interested.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 I definitely will. I'm feeling some new sensation for the first time - a mix of elation and mourning, and I know I have a lot of homework to do. But I finally feel ready. I've been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a child, and now I have a lot of questions and rethinking to do. Thank you so much, again.
This was brilliant! I'm going to watch the suggested links for your other work too. Thank you.
Wow again, your clarity and examples are blowing my mind. I'm soo so grateful for these videos, thank you!
Thanks so much! I appreciate it, and I’m glad to help! 💕
❤ everyone watching 😢 I hope no matter when you come across this video your at least okay and this can be figured out. I know the hell of it all but if there is a will there is a way right 🤷🏻♀️
thank you for this video, i'm sincerely grateful for how much useful information you've put into it. everything is so structured and clear, i have found myself in most of what you were talking about. you're a truly good and professional psychologist
Thanks so much 🙏
If you’re interested, take a look at my new videos on Developmental Trauma adaptive survival styles. The closest one to this video is the Connection style, but you may relate to others as well.
great video, full of resources. thank you!
Gosh Dr May i just gotta say thank you for doing all these videos (have watched a substantial minority of your videos. i have to rewatch and process and pace myself. i want to thank you for saying what you say about disorganized attachment typically leads to CPTSD. so frequently CPTSD and BPD are conflated and theres so much difference. We lean more avoident then anxious tho only slightly. DID system here, under a chosen name due to being an oea (ramcoa) survivor. people dont even want to believe "organized exreme abuse" happens. it does. CPTSD automatically goes hand in hand with DID. BPD is frequently co-occuring additionally but not always. we have subclinical Borderline traits but dont meet the criteria.
we have been working on healing our attachment style significantly over several years of having safe people who are willing to be patient and listen and work out conflict and such on a consistant basis.. we still score highly/extremely disorganized on attachment assessments.
(jmho as the "identified patient" of my family, the ones who are *actually sick* here are the abusers who traumatized a childs brain to the point of alteration of its structure &/or function. stands to reason, in my brain that insists on retaining full reality testing and sanity despite the, yes, paranoia and terror you are stuck living with, and the flashbacks and everything.)
idk ill stop rambling. i just love how you dont pathologize humans trying to heal. it takes a real long time to get this f'ed up and yea. likely the rest of my life to get un-f'ed up.
Thanks for your note and sharing some of your story. I’m sorry to hear about your painful history but glad you are on a path of healing. I’m glad that my videos have been helpful to you and appreciate you letting me know. Wishing you love and peace 🙏❤️
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 💜🙏
I will remember this video as life changing. Thank you so much! 💓
Glad to hear. Thanks for letting me know. 💕
Shouldn't you already know this stuff!
@@AmitRoy-mx2vu no
I have spent the past 20 plus years healing on and off without understanding my Attachment style. I don't have all the traits anymore, but the ones I do I am working on.
My mother used to mock me all the time... It took a LONG time before I was finally strong enough to tell her to stop. She had a miscarriage before me, and I've always felt like her least favorite child. I don't think she was ready for me when I was born; my parents were emotionally neglectful of us kids. My sister is the sick one, my little brother is 'the baby'. My mother withdrew from me after I told her how I felt and called her out on some of her awful behavior. Of course she got psycho, defensive and angry. I can't talk to her like an adult. She still puts me down and I feel bad around her often, so I barely communicate with her. I never visit because I know I'll leave feeling bad. Pretty positive I took on a lot of her trauma, and she projects her inadequate feelings onto me...
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had such a painful family life. 🙁
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 I appreciate that, and your content is really helpful. I'm just scared I'll just be stuck in this gray area of fear, distrust and self sabotage forever... I have the worst time with self worth because the parental love I got was conditional.
My heart goes out to you.
I have fearful avoidant attachment (other name for disorganized). Had some big trauma in early childhood and then ongoing dismissive, invalidating, traumas throughout.
I found out about it through The Personal Development School TH-cam channel.
She has changed my life.
I’ve been to many therapists, but none have come close to helping me like her.
I have been able to identify some of my core wounds, subconscious programming (and very importantly, HOW to reprogram) and how that effects my narratives, relationships and everything.
I have hope and have been healing, I feel I can figure out my needs and boundaries (as I didn’t have much of a sense of those before) and am learning to communicate them. I’m learning to reparent myself.
Empowerment that I never knew was possible.
I hear you, I hear your pain, and I want you to know, it can be healed. It’s a process, for sure, but it’s a ray of hope/light.
I wish you healing, and deep abiding peace 💫💛
Thank you so much. I thought I had a preoccupied anxious attachment style but at 31 I realize I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. Or maybe I have both.
thank you for this. you just described my childhood, and now my adulthood as well.
Could you please add the link to the video where you discuss the way to create a safe environment 🙏
Sure, I have two videos related to this topic. Here are the names of them and the links:
Creating Feelings of Safety - th-cam.com/video/XUwsbkFIOew/w-d-xo.html
RO DBT - Lesson 03 - Activating Social Safety - The Big Three + 1 -th-cam.com/video/5pbtoMbiFvg/w-d-xo.html
If you only knew how helpful this was for me. Thank you 🙏🏻
Hi, Dr. May, thank you for making these very helpful videos. Is disorganized attachment the same as fearful- avoidant attachment?
Sorry for the late reply! I looked it up and they do seem to be the same thing with different names. It is also sometimes called disoriented attachment.
@jennifermayph.d.2761 It's okay. I really appreciate your response because I was a little confused about the fearful avoidant one. I've never heard of the disoriented attachment style. I'll have to look it up. Thanks again!
Thank you so much for your content!
Thanks for watching! 🙏
Thanks for a very informative and compassionate post! I can't believe I have only just discovered your content. It makes a lot of sense, the diagrams are helpful and you explain it well. Thank you!
Thanks so much! I’m glad you found my channel and felt the video was helpful! 👍🏻🙏
This explains so much for me! Thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙏🏼 Will continue to check out your videos! 🤗
You’re welcome. Glad to help! 🙏💕
Dr may, than you for this explanation, but what about help for people with more hypoarousal /freeze response/avoidance?
DBT doesn’t help this ..any ideas ? Somatic work ? I’m near giving up looking for help
I'm still confused whether I'm in Anxious/Preoccupied or Disorganized. My parents had inconsistent presence in my childhood, I don't get along with them emotionally, I was abused by my cousin consequently being emotionally distant with my whole family. At this point, I started to calculate the amount of emotion I give to particular friends. There are some friends where I can be completely open up emotionally and there those friends where I cannot because it is going to cause conflict. When it comes to romantic relationship, I've never been in one yet but I'm always dreaming about having someone that is emotionally secure and can understand me emotionally but I fear the commitment and responsibility that comes with a romantic relationship. Multiple online say I'm anxious, other say I'm avoidant, while others say I'm both. I'm confused, what is my attachment style?
Hi there,
It is possible to have different attachment styles with different people. Not everyone has a single unitary style that applies in all their relationships.
And some people are predominantly anxious/preoccupied, for example, and sometimes segue into disorganized attachment under certain stressful relational circumstances.
You might also find that you can identify with one or more of the developmental trauma styles and that they might best capture your experience. I have videos on all 5 of them on my channel.
Hope that helps!
Dr. May
My mom use to call me stupid idiot girl and I just can’t get over it
I empathize with you. I feel like my mother has resented me for a long time for whatever reason.
I promise you can! It takes reprogramming your mother’s “voice” that you’ve adopted as your own...on repeat, internal dialogue.
Learning to reprogram and choosing the lens that you want to view yourself through, is so, so empowering.
Otherwise, we give our power up and let someone determine our self view.
We project that which we contain inside ourselves....meaning, your mom thought she was a stupid, idiot, and couldn’t handle how that made her feel and spewed it out onto others. If she loved and valued herself, she wouldn’t have done this. Because she couldn’t love and value herself, she couldn’t truly love or value anyone else. It’s like having an empty bank account. You can’t give anyone anything, if you have nothing to begin with.
Unfortunately that has lasting painful consequences, when others are so deeply unconscious and hurting everyone around them, trying to avoid their own pain...and it’s goes on and on, until one of us wakes up and learns to stop it.
Reparenting is powerful. Learning your core wounds and how you’ve been subconsciously programmed in childhood is powerful...and how to heal.
The Personal Development School has helped me beyond measure. She has a TH-cam channel too and I have been helped more through that than any therapist...and I’ve seen a handful!
I wish you healing 💫
Your mother (like mine) probably called you more, but you blocked the memories and the feelings (just like me). Thank you mom for damaging my life.
Homeopathic medicine helps...
Dr.May, could you direct me to your video, the one to feel safe..? Thank you so much🙏🏻
Hi there, I have a few videos on the topic. Two are from the Radically Open DBT series:
RO DBT - Lesson 03 - Activating Social Safety - The Big Three + 1
th-cam.com/video/5pbtoMbiFvg/w-d-xo.html
RO DBT - Lesson 04 - Enhancing Openness and Social Connection via Loving Kindness
th-cam.com/video/_bwNhRZqzJ0/w-d-xo.html
And one was just a general video on feeling safe:
Creating Feelings of Safety
th-cam.com/video/XUwsbkFIOew/w-d-xo.html
I would also recommend videos from my Sensorimotor Psychotherapy series, which offer skills and resources to help with trauma and attachment issues.
Well, that video explained a few things. That was oddly precise.
Dr. May--I deleted my comment before seeing your reply. There were a lot of “rights,” but as I continued to listen, I saw that there was also a lot of good content and kindness, so you didn’t deserve the hit--I apologize.
I’m in a pretty rough place right now, which is why I’m doing internet searches on disorganized attachment -- and why I was in a less than kind mood.
You do good work--no need to change anything!
That’s okay… but I appreciate you writing back and looking past the flaws in my speaking style to benefit from the content. (See, nobody’s perfect, “right”? 😊). I hope things will get a little better and easier for you. 💕
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thank you!
Wow u making me understand it more. Thanks
this is very helpful and accurate
This was incredibly helpful. Thank you
Glad to hear. Thanks 🙏
Thank you!
That sounds a lot like ADHD actually... And I think I do have CPTSD, is there an evidence for a clear difference between the conditions?
They say that in children, trauma symptoms are sometimes mistaken for ADHD.
One interesting resource you may like for ADHD is Daniel Amen. Based on many thousands of brain scans, he identified 7 different types of ADHD. You can even take a free brain quiz on his website to estimate what brain type you have and how best to make your brain healthier. brainhealthassessment.com/
It's well explained presentation, thank you for sypmlifing it for me ❤️❤️❤️❤️ you made me more aware of myself behavior's
Glad to hear. Thank you!
Hello Jennifer, your content is amazingly clear, thank you so much. I live with a disorganized fearful avoidant. How to reconcile his need for distance/escape (without me contacting him) and at the same time his need to be reassured/safe that I am not abandoning him?... Thank you.
Hi Lolo,
Thanks for watching and thanks for your note.
I don't think there is a short and easy answer to your question. But I would say with regard to your roommate/partner, try to be as validating and patient as you can. Understanding his attachment style and developmental trauma definitely can help.
Do your best to meet his needs in a reasonable way, but don't hang your self-esteem on some idea that you will cure or rescue him. Try your best, but understand that whatever you do may still not feel to him like "enough."
Adjust your expectations so you do not feel disappointment when he is not capable of being there for you consistently. Develop outside connections and hobbies so there are other nourishing things in your life that you can rely on.
Hope that helps a little!
Best always,
Dr. May
I used to think that it was the people around me who had issues. Then I found out that I'm disorganised. I'm trying to deal with this issue but damn is it hard if you're broke.
How do you get the fa to take responsibility and do the work?
Very hard… even when people voluntarily come to therapy to work on themselves change is hard. Getting other people to change is even harder.
Sometimes if you have enough of a rapport and some leverage you can have some influence but it depends.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 such a bizarre attachment style where they seem to sabotage the same relationship that they just worked so hard to build... Just when they start to get close
Their attachment system (fawn , attach, cry for help) is competing with their threat system (fight, flight, freeze, fold), and this creates the puzzling contradictions.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 😞 I liked her. Well let's see if that seed grows. She said it more than once that she really wanted to fall in love this time.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Seems like that could drive someone crazy after a while if they leave it unchecked.
This is my current relationship I thought that love was the answer, but what can you do when nothing works? I sent the video
Sorry to hear you’re struggling with your relationship. Maybe couples therapy could help, if that’s an option?
Thank you
Awesome video thanks
Can u be disorganized and preoccupied??
Yes. You might, for example, be preoccupied at some times and under stress become more disorganized. You can have one attachment style with one person and a different one with another person. Your style can also change over time.
Are there any good books about the disorganized?
A great site that goes into more detail and healing is The Personal Development School. The TH-cam channel is where I first found out I had fearful avoidant attachment (also called disorganized).
Finding out about the core wounds, subconscious programming (and how to reprogram)... has empowered me more than any therapist to this point.
Thank you this was very helpful!
I love these! Thanks for making these videos ❤️
Awhile, thanks so much! 💗
Spot on Thank you
Thanks 🙏
Thank you so much!
You're welcome. ❤
You are awesome, I love you, thanks!
This was very helpful, thank you
This is all making sense….
Thank you ❤
Thank you!
Lucky I check the timetables on my phone and it went overtime
??
My mom hates that I was ever born, how can I ever recover from that?
How painful... I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope that you will eventually get to a place where you realize that you still have value and be worthwhile regardless of how your mom feels. If you're interested, you might benefit from some of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy material that I have on my channel. It's really comprehensive and offers useful tools for moving past the residual effects of attachment and trauma issues.
Because you can.
❤
Help? I caused my son attachment disorders all by ONE day! I never got onto him. Then the one day I did I caused him ptsd. I am trying to get him help still but he stopped talking so we are trying to get him talking again. I yelled at him to shut up and stop talking to go to bed so his daddy didn’t get onto him anymore and apparently that can cause ptsd. I was his only secure attachment though. His go to. Now I am suffering because I caused him suffering accidentally. I can’t sleep. I can’t stop panicking. He is avoiding talking to me now. And disorganized as well. Comes to me whenever he is afraid but then is afraid of talking to me. This is all a big disaster but I’m trying my best to fix it all. 😢🥺😭
I’m so sorry to hear this. How old is your son? Can you work on interactive repair with him to reestablish trust? Is there another trusted adult in your lives that can help him and you reconnect?
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 he can’t interact with me at all. It’s 100% dissociation with everyone. He can’t talk like himself anymore. I don’t know what to do at all. I am so lost. Nobody will help him. He can’t process anything under this. I am so broken.
Fix or leave your relationship. You are not a reliable parent if you aren’t BARE MINIMUM protecting him by giving him a happy home. It will only get worse if you don’t take some initiative
If you don't learn red flags as a child and you don't understand or know what red flags are as an adult I managed to shut that all out when it came to looking after my own children I didn't want my kids growing up with the shit I went through I was neglected and suffer from cptsd and I'm still suffering now having had lots of councling i needed help and there was no one to help I remember everything from being a child and that's what got him 20 years
I’m so sorry to hear you have been through so much. ❤️
Liked and subscribed
Aw, Charlie Brown is such a sad, balding child. I'm starting to think everyone in my immediate family may be disorganized...
Charlie Brown
It's all so unjust.
Have you ever come across a patient who did not develop Disorganized Attachment from childhood, but did so later in life? I'm asking because someone I'm very close to exhibits all of the signs of DA and had many back to back traumatic experiences in adulthood that I believe led to this.
Yes. There is always the possibility of experiencing relational trauma in adulthood, which can create symptoms that are similar to disorganized attachment styles.
@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thank you so much Dr. May!
Thank you for this video. it was very helpful.