Substance use disorder and narcissism
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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They also drive their victims/survivors to drugs/drinking.
True dat
I somewhat agree. Although I did not have a drinking problem, I def consumed more alcohol when we were together. Now, I have one glass of red wine with dinner, and quite often do not even finish it.
Oh you mean not literally driving. Yeah. I was going to say they won't drive anyone anywhere but you meant metaphorically.
No more wine! No more beer! She drove me to drinking...I did that to numb myself from her constant abusive behavior! No more!
He got me into meth ...im clean now and he's gone from my life along with all the other tweakers
Mine is addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn and cheating. He called it a lifestyle.
We share the same misfortune
I can relate.
I can relate to this
Ahahaha good choice
@New Dream hmm...so according to him, he's allowed to have a "lifestyle" but his partner isn't.
Sober and mean! That sums it up. Their humanity never hatched. Drugs didn’t cause the problem, and sobriety won’t cure it.
Beautifully said 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Amen!
Well stated !
Dry drunk/white knuckling sobriety behavior! Until they address the co-occuring issues underneath (trauma, depression, etc.) it's never going to change. Alcohol is a symptom, not the cause.
100% true. The "clean high horse" that comes with a narcissist that's recovering is hard to watch. They expect the world to congratulate them on an hourly basis and acknowledge how great they are doing while they become even more abusive and feel they are even higher on the totem pole than they were before. I told the narcissist I've had my life absolutely reduced to rubble by that getting clean doesn't even SCRATCH THE SURFACE of what she needs to do to find peace, happiness, and be able to see that her actions are absolutely deplorable and cruel and demeaning.
The ridiculous non apology, screaming at u for not accepting their apology. Immediately after they have verbally abused you, even though there was no apology just them accusing you of not accepting one, all the while deflecting and denying and taking no real accountability. And continuing the behavior that has started the issue. Ugh exhausting. The conversation goes in circles until you are so far away from what they did until you are now being accused of not loving them and your the problem and they start putting words in your mouth horrible things that u didn't even say but infact they said to you. Ugh!! I could go on and on.
So know what your saying , this is exactly the same with me. Not only want a thank you for apologizing but nit picking stupid little things to start a fight then blame you for it and go back to that old bullshit as well. Never ending when they're in a irritated mood!
They are clean and sober for 5 minutes and they rapidly turn self righteous and communal
As someone who works in mental health, it’s unbelievable how much narcissism and substance abuse go hand in hand. A lot of borderline adults come from addicts for parents, but it’s not the addiction that causes all the trauma. It’s the narcissism. It damages their family for life.
I can attest to this! Even my moms other alcoholic/addict friends worried about us growing up. It wasn’t the alcohol or substance abuse so much as it was the narcissistic abuse and manipulative and gaslighting. Not to mention physical abuse and even trafficking my brother
Does heavy smoking count as substance abuse?
Can schizophrenia ( schizoaffetive ) an NPD co occur ? Thank you in advance ❤
This makes sense. As a former addict myself, I Now understand that substance abuse comes from unresolved painful issues... it's a symptom of something deeper. That's why the narcissism would remain in somebody even if the drug abuse is resolved. The terrible hidden self hatred is still there unaddressed and untreated.
Exactly
It's the co-occuring issue underneath that was never addressed or the Trauma, depression, codependency, low self esteem, etc. Until the issue is pulled from the root, the toxic plant is going to continue to grow...
Radical acceptance and forgiveness is the only way I can see through family trauma.... and sadly “no contact”... until God changes my heart and I get healthy again💔
That it...AA only helped get me sober....there was so much more to be addressed.
Yes, chemical addiction only makes it worse, it isn't the cause.
Most addiction programs do not recognize or assess for narcissism, let alone other mental health issues. Few ask family and friends for a full inventory and rely on the narcissistic addict to self-report. You can guess how that results.
My narcissistic, alcoholic ex would blatantly lie to his cardiologist that he didn't drink. So he was treated for the wrong conditions for years.
Dual diagnosis is a thing is rehab/treatment centers, but often it's the really good ones that offer expensive treatments.
...narcissism and sex/porn "addiction"
...narcissism and alcohol abuse
....narcissism and cocaine abuse
...narcissism and prescription med abuse
....narcissism and pot abuse
I've probably left a few out, too. Here are just some of the treatment centers that use this approach...
www.altamirarecovery.com/co-occurring-disorders/addiction-and-narcissistic-personality-disorder/
www.recoveryranch.com/addiction-blog/sex-addiction-and-the-narcissist-discard/
www.promisesbehavioralhealth.com/mental-health-treatment-programs/personality-disorder-treatment-centers/
www.psychologytoday.com/us/treatment-rehab/narcissistic-personality/ca/hanford
That last link is just some of the treatment centers in California.
The diagnosis is Cluster B personality disorder with comorbid substance use disorder, and it could be NPD, BPD, HPD, AsPD or even Cluster A, Cluster C or even a mood disorder like bipolar disorder or psychosis like schizophrenia with substance use disorder.
This IS a thing, and has been for years now (maybe longer?).
Then they’ll leave the addiction center and go to a mental hospital where they’ll get a diagnosis, and there it becomes obvious the substance is not the issue. The addict is.
@Sara Fox Well, they could be borderlines or sociopaths; that's how else they could be doing this to others.
There are a number of personality disorders that cause a lack of empathy for others.
It could also be bipolar disorder, or extreme anxiety that causes them to self-medicate.
There are TREATABLE underlying disorders like bipolar disorder and even schizophrenia (if you can get them to stay on their meds).
Then there are UNTREATABLE underyling disorders like personality disorders (narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, antisocial, or schizoid) and no treatment will ever cure them, but ongoing therapy might help them develop tools to cope rather than using substances.
@Sara Fox Oops, I misinterpreted the meaning of your statement. Of course, you are spot on about any addict behaving in entitled and self-serving ways and also lacking in empathy for others when they are using their drug (or behavior) of choice. Yes, they behave as though they are full blown narcissists when in the throes of addiction, even if there is another underyling issue drying the addiction.
My apologies! I appreciate you clarifying what you meant.
When I met my narcissistic ex, things started off grand. At first, he said he wasn't drinking. It 'interfered with his boxing training'. But then one day, he got drunk. And the problems began. He'd drink for a couple of days and then stop for a couple of weeks. I started to suspect he had a drinking problem, but he did seem to really want to get it under control. He took Antabus (anti-drinking pills, to make the effects of alcohol extremely strong, even poisonous, to one's body) to 'help him along'. This is apparently a very common medication here in Finland (I'd never heard of it before I met him).
I started wondering if he was a narcissist or an alcoholic. The answer soon made itself clear, after he began instigating arguments between us. Fights about nothing. This was exacerbated on nights out together, when we went to have a few drinks with friends. He would get unbelievably wasted, to the point that he almost couldn't speak without slurring his words, then would ignore me as I spoke, even staring over my head to introduce himself to men he'd never met before. He treated me either like a stranger, or like a contemptuous enemy. But the next day, he would beg for my forgiveness, apologize for his stupidity, swear that he loves me more than any other person on earth, and spin tales about our glittering future together. And of course, he would swear up and down never to touch a drop of alcohol again.
Countless cancelled plans, brutal insults spat in my face, days' worth of ignored phonecalls and text messages, and even some choice insults were to come, after he brutally discarded me (via text message!). And this only one day after he'd begged me to reassure him that I still loved him, still wanted to be his forever.
He's a narcissist AND an alcoholic. He almost dragged me down into the dirt with him. Thank goodness I'm free.
@@chriswyma145 indeed, narcissists lack goodwill or empathy. Except during the lovebombing phase, he pretended and hid it very well. He has all the signs of being a covert or vulnerable narcissist, which made the discovery process much slower for me. But going forward, perhaps some empathy test would be helpful to employ.
@salah the cheat why are you saying this to someone that is sharing a story? what is wrong with you?
@salah the cheat eh. Not the same thing. Venting on a message board specifically about narcissism does not mean a person doesn't take responsibility for their life. Sometimes people need to share.
Aweful that's abuse so sad some one that meant to love you does nothing but abuse terrible ❤
Stay Free, I Stayed with an Alcoholic for years. He Cheted on me and now he say's I am a bad person for kicking him out After he cheated because I should have realised that he had been raped. He says i am the pepetrator and he is the Victim.
My ex-wife was a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic. Then I dated a woman who was a covert narcissist. The narcissist is WAY worse! I'm glad I found this channel because this is part of my healing and therapy
That people will never change Wesley.
Same here.
The alcoholic in my life was difficult,... but the covert narc was outrihgt mean!
My beautiful new bride is both. They're both impossible to live a life with. Both problems are a relationship destroyer.
Why?
My narcissistic mother certainly acted as if she was on drugs. The psychotic rage, the paranoia, the imagined slights against her. But she was *just* an alcoholic in the 1980s and 1990s. It would go two ways; she would either be a horribly fake happy drunk, or violently abusive. Went no contact after forty years, and have never felt better.
Good for you! You saved yourself.
❤️
Very sad
I can relate in the narracisstic mother who acted like a person on drugs for many years. She never abused any substances as far as I know and, frankly if she had, there would have been no way I would have put up with her mess as long as I did. I know that walking away had to take courage, strength, and enduring your own personal trauma. Best wishes to you going forward.
pain to have to do that but you did. Congratulations to you. Heal from your pain as best you can and never look back.
My wife is a narcissist. For the past year she has been using coke regularly. Despite me trying to help her over the past year she recently decided to end the marriage. Hopefully a blessing in disguise as my life has been hell this past year
You are freeee, be glad...
It's hard to come to terms with misplaced love, but acceptance and moving on is the way. Don't count your lost investments. Write them off and concentrate on creating bright future for yourselt.And when you succeed be prepared to resist getting in contact with the narcisist again, no matter what they try.
You did thr right thing.
Congrats. The easiest way out!
You won ❤🎉
This has helped me so much. My ex was a narcissist and had a serious weed addiction.
O meu tbm. O problema é que eles trabalham etc e por isso não entendem que está fazendo mal.
@@Claudia-df5xh é assim.
@@Claudia-df5xh what?
So did mine. He moved out 3 years ago and still will not give me the parking pass that belongs to my apartment. He actually physically kung fu-fought my neighbors to retain possession of MY parking pass then taunted me with a neighbor outside my door, "Shall we give her the pass? Nah, hahahaha!"
I am going to the Court tomorrow to get MY parking pass. I might ask for a protective order too.
Yep, he had that addiction with me at beginning of our relationship.
Worst nightmare -- I was with a narcissist who was a severe long term alcoholic and drug addict. as well as porn addict. There is no reason to stay with someone with this type of combination. Nothing good comes from it. I left him and never looked back.
So many addictions. Years sober, sex addiction began with steroids.
Going to the gym , gay porn.
I baited him for months to save myself
this time.
This is my story- I am in the process of leaving currently- Cocaine and alcohol, porn addiction - I have gone no contact but I need him to get his shit out of my house -
We are going to be so fine. I’m 63 days out of a 24 yr marriage to a narc/addict. Everyday is a gift. My mind is clear, my spirit’s returning.
Trauma based therapy PTSD from so many
repeating yrs. I’m 72 yo and my outlook now
Is positive & hopeful for ME. I’m a retired healthcare professional & before this info I had no idea how profound it was.
Dr R & Dr C have enlightened our world
He left me- unfriended me he dumped me- I blocked him everywhere. Bye Felicia.
I am so grateful for this video. I thought I was going crazy. I was in a rehab and met a narcissistic drug addict who hounded me. He was a predator from the off. After 3 months of a mad infatuation, I ended it. Thank god I now know to listen for the alarm bells. Im proud to say I am a survivor.
Covert/vulnerable narcissist here. Using drugs like marijuana/alcohol makes me more tolerable, both to myself and others. Drugs like stimulants and alcohol made me into more like an extroverted/grandiose narcissist, which seemed like an upgrade. I became addicted to externally regulating myself with stimulant abuse coupled with depressant abuse (methamphetamine and clonazepam) for more than 10 years - I'm only 28. I am now sober and have left myself with the same wreckage of an ego and lack of social skills that I had at 16. At 28, that's not something that's been fun to learn to deal with and grow from. This video helped me make connections that seem helpful, thanks to you Dr. Ramani as always.
Takes a LOT of guts to admit that even to yourself. Good on you dude. Keep on keeping on. You’ve got the ability to reflect and acknowledge your arsenal and your will and that is a good thing
Sounds exactly like my story, amphetamine & clonazepam since 18, before that marijuana & alcohol since 13… got a 2 year prison sentence when i was 19 years old and then got sober for 5 years and had a pretty nice life. Relapsed right before my daughter was born, 2019 she’s born 2020 January. After that all hell broke loose and my crimes became larger and more serious and along came smoking freebase cocaine or (crack) + clonazepam and ketamine. Keta-crack was my shit. You cook ketamine with raw coke all while mixing lsd,dmt,shrooms and even heroin….im turning 31 now next october and my daughter is 4 years old and im still struggling. Waiting on a prison sentence living in a 8 square meter room in a shitty halfway house and almost got a year but then started using my prescribed ad/hd meds and then came the clonazepam…only a matter of days till i start smoking those rocks again….i lost my mother at age 59 from cancer last february and 3 months later my oldest and closest friends hanged himself in his prison cell….
At least you’re trying!!!!
@@annstar2793 thank you, it's not easy but worth it I want to be a positive part of this beautiful humanity. Thanks
@@jacobkain4721you are rare breed-self aware narcissist. Reading your story was like reading my ex biography. Except he was on stimulants like amphetamine as a teen and believes he “got well” by staying on marihuana and beer for over 20 years. He smokes daily about 4-5 joints starting in the morning with the coffee before work. He also smoke vape pens believing nobody would smell it at work. His brain is total wreck and even with that daily use he is always depressed, tiered and irritated. I just don’t have the strength to keep up anymore. And it’s never never his fault nor the addiction. I am the problem despite he always starts the fights. I liked to put my rose coloured glasses and believing it’s just the addiction but he always minimise it on my experience.
I dnk if I just dealt with and addict with long term abuse or full blown covert narcissist. He also claims he lacks these social skills and isolates himself like you say.
Thank you do much for this video. My ex boyfriend is a drug addict narcissist. He was addicted to pretty much everything under the sun. He tried to make me an addict and when it didn’t work he discarded me. Thank god I dodged that bullet
This literally just happened to me a month ago.
@@erinl5585 I’m so sorry you had to deal with this 🤡 but it does get better. It takes time, but within four years after our breakup I met a wonderful man who has honestly been the best ever. You will get your spark back. Now my ex has baby trapped his girlfriend he cheated on me with, and she’s in a financially abusive relationship where she’s 💯 depended on him.
It does get better ❤️🩹
Dr Ramani, I can't thank you enough for your videos. I've been an EXTREMELY DARK place in my life due to not only substance abuse, but deeply loving a narcissist. I didn't realize that's what I was dealing with. The dynamics are much more vast than thought. The cruelty they are capable of is ASTOUNDING.
they could care less about you.
...to them.You're nothing.
When they click they definitely become psychopathic. Cruel falls short to describe the total devastation they create.
Me too…
My ex was a narcissist and a raging alcoholic. The vodka exacerbated the narcissism. He was a covert narcissists though, so though his rage did come out when he drank it seemed to more often be blubbering self-entitled "poor me" syndrome run amuck. When he was sober he was generally just angry, but either way the one man pity party was always part of the picture.
Sounds like my ex to a tee
@@silverburgeon8748 It's frightening how alike they can often be. You'd swear someone else had to be talking about their narc when talking about their own.
Sound like my ex. Supposedly stopped alcohol. But smokes weed before coffee in the morning and continues until bed time. Calls it his medicine. Been a chronic weed smoker from age 14 he's now 55. Took me 5 years of off again on again to finally get out.
@@kylehennessy-snow1674 don't feel bad. On and off of 20 years to wake up and get out 😕
@@silverburgeon8748 thanks. I'm past feeling bad or angry. I'm different to the situation. Dr ramani has a great video on this. Blamed myself for a ling time. He was a really good manipulator
Every Narc I’ve known has had addiction problems (typically it was alcohol and cocaine) They also tend to be very self righteous and hypocritical about it. One Grandiose narc said he couldn’t be associated with anyone who did drugs as I smoked weed recreationally when I first him, but when he transferred schools, he developed a full
blown coke addiction (not to mention the alcohol addiction he already had) and when he got back he snorting coke all the time, he still had the audacity to condescendingly lecture me about smoking weed while he drank like a fish and snorted blow like it was 1975 at Studio 54. I was astounded by how utterly hypocritical he was being and how he thought nothing of it.
🙏🏽💯💥🙏🏽💯💥
I've also noticed that the narcs drug of choice tends to be those alcohol and cocaine as well!! You rarely see them use cannabis because cannabis doesn't make you 'black out' or go crazy. Cannabis just makes you chill and slow down and reflect a bit more, which is something that a narcissist absolutely DOES NOT want to do.
@@TxHoneyBeethe guy I was with for the past 6 months smoked weed everyday and he was terrible. Emotional + verbal abuse, probably a narc..
At the beginning of my relationship with my ex narc I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet to be with him. But sooner than later I had this intuitive crazy sensation there was something strange, or abusive or addictive in his need for...... sex. He'd become manipulative, even violent and threatening if I denied to have sex. Oh my God, hadn't I had the experience, I would have never believed this was real 🤦♀️
I walked on eggshells in the beginning. Didn't know then what was wrong. Sex was a big part in our relationship. But it was no pleasure in it.
So much about their behavior puts us in the 'I would have never believed this was real' state. It's what keeps many of us in it for so long. And, they're so good at guiding the voyage at the beginning of a relationship when your instincts are still functioning correctly and you start to question things.
They will even guilt you for not wanting to engage in certain sexual activities. Your comfort/pleasure is not the topic of attention but rather how you're not enough for them.
So glad you said this. I thought I was the only one dealing with the off the wall sex addiction on top of everything. Was great in the beginning and then it just got more and more... weird, controlling, and one-sided. My needs did not matter.
my ex was one of the most alcoholic people i've ever met. I used his alcoholism as an excuse for his stonewalling, breadcrumbing, ghosting me for days/weeks at a time then lovebombing me etc. When we were still together i worried about him but i didn't judge him. I was afraid of scaring him away, so I accepted and loved him for who he was and stuck by his side, hoping that he would sort things out eventually. Now that the relationship is over and i'm finally detaching from it, his alcoholism is an still issue that i hope he sorts out, but it absolutely wasn't an excuse for his behavior.
I'm so sorry to hear this, people like you are angels in out life! Mt ex was pretty much the same, and I never understood her worth! Now I'm an year sober and feel so low that I fucked her life up for a good 3 years!
@@TheFallenDemon have you told her this? It may be better to just leave her be, and it might be hard for you to reach out and apologize, but it might be worth trying.
I totally understand you. We re in the same boat. Why you decided to give up on him?
@@arnoldaltuve he eventually ghosted/stonewalled me. he didnt leave me a choice other than to give up on him
@@jonnyk4669 lucky you
Power is another type of addiction. So when they want to control those around them and that causes them to feel entitled to do anything they want and if they get called out on their behavior; the narc sees it as a fight. And since they use any tactics possible to win a fight, not clean. They then are able to over power which fuels their addiction and validates their entitlement
Thick layer of a lack of reality. Totally blinded by the fact that they are a slave to themselves . Absolute power corrupts absolutely that when its their time to pay the consequences it is beyond the capacity that their can be any redemption
Yes! This has been my experience with my ex narc. Substance abuse, addictive behavior, and as stated in a previous video, porn addiction. Classic behavior all coming together like pieces of a puzzle to understand “what happened”. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
My ex is the same... Alcohol, porn and gambling
Same. I feel like I was so easily fooled. It's been 11 years and I'm finally learning that this is how it will always be, in another 11 years, or when our children are grown, or when I'm elderly, and forever after that, until I choose to do something different.
@UCuGwjdNjJdnCnd-gGdijE2g My ex gf drank a lot. I was wondering why but never told her. She could make a drink in the middle of the week.
Ashley Donohue
I was often pressured into drinking with my ex narc and then I developed an alcohol problem... the hypocrisy is off the charts.. I was then criticized and dumped for being an alcoholic. In fact I overheard my ex telling friends I was alcoholic... while drunk! (The narcissist was drunk, telling people I’M an alcoholic.) They’re insane. I haven’t felt the desire to drink at all ever since I stopped speaking to my narcissist ex.
@@ashleydonohue3751 My ex gf is what I think a covert vulnerable narcs.
She had a narc father and they argued a lot.
She is a nurse and drinking is perhaps a way to overcome all sh... she has dealt with.
Once I asked her politely about her drinking and refused to answer.
I'd given up on on mine. Had gone 6 mos no contact then had run into him at the grocery store. It's embarrassing to list all of the things i had gone through with him but I'd found out bit by bit that he was an addict over the 3 years I'd been with him. After running into him again we'd spent some time together but i was still wary of him and scrutinized his every move. He wound up being arrested for possession and received 4 felony charges. We'd talked while he was incarcerated and i had begun to believe the issues had all been caused by drug addiction. He was released and with the help of his parents' lawyer only received probation as a first time offender and orders for an outpatient rehab program and drug testing. We started seeing each other again. I'd convinced myself his past behavior had all been the result of his addiction issues and had wanted so much to trust him and put the (very difficult) past behind us, but i couldn't sleep when he'd spend the night and felt uneasy when around him. I told him that i still had trust issues and asked if he'd allow me to read his messages AND he agreed! I have no idea why he would have. My two beliefs are that either: A. He truly believed he could talk his way out of anything or B. He was tired of me and wanted to get rid if me. Anyway, the messages. Oh. My. Gawd. His pursuit of sex and drugs and sex (with men) for drugs, etc. throughout our relationship and up to the very day i read them. Anyway, always trust your gut. It took me four years to finally pull out of the delusion he'd created for me in which i was some sort of goddess that he loved with every part of his being, only ,"his life circumstances, against his wishes, somehow", kept him from answering his phone for long stretches of time, being there for me when he said he'd be, showing up on time if at all, threatening to find other women to sleep with if i wasn't available when he needed me, etc., etc., etc.. Much love to anyone going through this stuff. Never have I learned a harder or more valuable lesson: Love and trust yourself. You deserve to be treated well and truly loved. Keep firm boundaries and under no circumstances allow someone to manipulate you into tolerating their unhealthy and hurtful behaviors. 💜💜💜💜
Thank you for sharing, I endured a very very similar situation.
Thank you for your story Hearts and Hands. I hope both of the women in this thread find love within and if someone comes along to share this with- more power to you. 💪🏼💐
@@dr.taralawson1631 💜
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 💜
You described that so well ... thanks for sharing this.
Dr. Ramani, would you be willing to address how the partners of Narcissists can sometimes dip into unhealthy dependency on alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. as they try to cope with a very confusing and invalidating relationship-perhaps especially if they have a more covert, communal, or neglectful sort of narcissist where the under the radar sorts of manipulation and control keep you in such a confused state for years, even decades...
Great idea! I feel like that's what my mom is going through with her husband. Would be really interesting to hear Dr. Ramani talk about this.
I support this as well
My god I did the dumbest things when I was with my narc 😫
Good idea. That's why I appreciate this particular video so much. There is more to be discussed. my narc was an addict and I took up his drug of choice in order to feel like I belong in his clan. It didn't work. I ended up psychotic and homeless for a while. It was a disaster. I'm sober and free of him now. I can't believe I did that. sometimes I fantasize about him having a change of heart and putting himself in rehab but I realized that won't change what's already happened
@@SueP-D we all did...trying to cope means we end up using maladaptive coping strategies as we try to survive...
Listen to this three times. Have been with this person 24 yrs. Many yrs of recovery.
He is 63 yo now. This is so spot on.
Has decided to use steroids now to
“Improve” his look. He is addicted to
his dopamine high.
This is totally right on. Gay porn addiction
He’s out of my life for ever. I surrendered to all I have known and life a peaceful life.
My father is a malignant narcissist who got sober. Now he's a sober malignant narcissist. He never did the steps because they involve a DEEP look inwards. He's more of an *sshole now than before because he's on top of his narcissistic game.
Step work is not always possible with cooccuring anxiety disorders. Just to let you know. Nothing to do with your father. This video is horrible
I'm in NA. There are definitely Some Narcissists there. Along with people who were just selfish because that's a personality trait of addiction. Many Narcissists are forced into recovery by the courts or they wouldn't be there.Its just the truth there are assholes everywhere. Even in self help programs.
maybe the narcissism causes the substance abuse. Something causes substance abuse and if a person can't address the cause they won't get better. If they're over a certain age they won't get better.
Geez, no break for you! My husband makes his own; whiskey, craft beers from scratch. It's all his to keep and enjoy, I'm done and so glad of it, another problem the narc hopes to pass onto you 😝!
Wow....exactly! The person I'm leaving is now a more spiritually aware, psychologically astute couvert Narcissist. Their brains are how they've always been. So are behaviors. Only more socially acceptable. Never wanting to do what it takes to stop hurting others. But why should they? when the rewards come for "being who they are".
I feel like Dr Ramani is always talking about me.
🤣
I would look into that with a therapist...
Codependents, alcoholics, addicts, borderlines and narcissists are all from the same coin, just different sides. We all suffer from abandonment issues, trauma and self love deficit. The differences is that one side tries to fix and the other side tries to take.
@@KSlay-1980 😅 I feel same way.
@@jean-pierrep6844 so very true. I wish we were told this when we were young. Even then I picked up on their verbal hints that they knew they were off themselves. Its up to me now to put all the pieces together and keeo them glued. Most of my life a stayed away and Im happy about it. I decided to let my guard down once, and oh my. I now know Ive been trusting myself 95% of the time. We all can get there and stay there.👍💯💝 If it helps, for me it demonstrates the level of where Im at and where I am in healing. It also demonstrates the level of balance I held for so long. I stepped in to someone's life and what a merry go round. Today I am happy to say Ive healed quite a bit since then. Im in the acceptance phase I believe as of today bc my final question to all this has been answered. When you get there moving forward will be much easier but first keep searching for answers. Most of your answers our here bc if youre here nobody is educating us out there. It is my hope and inspiration to help others.
My ex husband went from addiction to addiction - but also was addicted to high dopamine sport - e.g. mountain biking and skiing. He also got the 'hit' from buying expensive bikes, bike parts, and clothing. The addiction was also in the superiority in having 'the best' bike etc. He was also aggressive whilst riding - e.g shouting at pedestrians. I didn't really see these as part of the addictive behaviour, as they seemed 'healthy' compared to the alcohol, cigarettes etc etc - but I'm guessing it's all part of the same thing?
Yes, I think it's all part of the same thing. Yours was very similar to mine, there's always something to buy, to get. The focus of our lives ( and by 'our' I mean 'his' ) ... was a jump from one thing about him to the next ... what he was buying, what he was doing, what he was thinking. Like you describe, a rush came from all kinds of things, even extreme behavior in how he drove, activities, reactions to people.
Yes!! My ex-boyfriend was the same way, alcoholic, smoker, etc. But instead of mountain biking, mine was addicted to women and told me his therapist said he was addicted to the dopamine rush he got off of talking to multiple women. It became a “sport” for him to see if they would find him attractive enough to talk back to him and gave him the ego boost and supply he was needing. I couldn’t believe he told me this while we were in a relationship. He assured me that while he had this “issue” I was the one he loved and wanted a future with! 🤣 Then I found out that his extramarital affairs from women he “fished off Facebook” as he called it, was exactly the reason she left him. That coupled with his alcoholism. It was almost like he was typing the word “NARCISSIST” in bold letters across his forehead with flashing lights as he was talking. That was all I needed to exit this crazy roller coaster ride through hell with him. I ran like Michael Myers was chasing me after that! Then the psycho had the nerve to block me on social media like I did something to him...🤣
My narcissistic ex did extreme sports as well. Too bad he did not put that energy into working and earning a larger income!
They feel so bad they have to numb their feelings of self hate.
My dad was a so-called functional alcoholic. Nobody believe me for almost my whole life until he got so drunk and Peed on himself at a family gathering.
Yes that happened to my son also and he seemed obvious to it.
My ex narc is a functioning alchohol, just mean that eventhough he drank everyday he still got up & went 2 work on time & such
Damn Jen, what happened with your dad reminds me of A Star is Born. At least it wasn't an awards show.
I was always making excuses for his behavior due to his abusive prescription drug use. Doctors need to be held more accountable. They love to doctor shop.This plays into relationship/family breakdown greatly!
Oh some of the doctors are just plain terrible, some people believe the epiods out of hand, so many over-doses are docs/pharmacy done dual. It's very difficult to sue a doctor here in Canada, they have a field day!
@@joseenoel8093 ..... same here. Mine OD’ed 3 times due to drug interactions
@SeeNoEvilHearNoEvil Exactly! Now people with chronic disabling pain can no longer get pain meds for legit progressive diseases. It's maddening the amount of disinformation spread about medical opioids. Its not the drug that makes one an instant addict, it is the person using it to escape from life.
Rings so true. My whole life (like starting from age 5) I asked my narc dad if he could stop smoking because it was bad for his health - he said “I’ll never do it.” to child on the edge of being a toddler! When I was 30, I asked him if he’d stopping his excessive drinking and seek therapy. He ignored me until he was forced into rehab. He apologized for his selfishness and it seemed like he was finally back to “normal.” 3 months later he started drinking again and said that he could he’d never stop because he likes it. So he made his choice - a drink over a family.
Yes its not easy to accept they are lost souls.
If he has been drinking for that long, he may also have a physical dependency which can't be reversed simply by stopping drinking, but he would have had to have drank heavily for many years for this to be the case.
Learning about the narcissist MO was an awakening for me but it wasn’t until I looked at narcissism through a biblical perspective that I found my enlightenment and true healing
Narcissism is caused by religion and dogmatic thinking.
“Honor your mother and father, obey, this is the way it is, this is the way it will be always.”
Religion is synonymous with communal narcissism. And it’s created parents who don’t think twice about being the arbiter of punishment based on a good/evil dichotomy that doesn’t even exist.
If your delusions help you I’m sorry, we are all deluded in someway. We all want to believe that we would be the family that hide the Jew in the attic, but none of us are willing to admit that we would just as likely shove Jews into the gas chambers. If you really think that all humans are innately decent then you have to find another reason why we are all so sick as to always be at war with each other.
Narcissism to me stems from the rich and powerful having the ability to see what is good and evil. And for the last few thousand years narcissism has been in their eyes, good.
J Beauty absolutely and I share about the word of God that I’ve learned in conquering narcissism in relationships that I was in and receiving the healing in these videos. th-cam.com/users/NarcissismExposed
my husband was secretly doing drugs for the past few months and was unmasked enough that I was able to discover lies he has told since we first started dating. I am still recovering from the shock of finding out he was lying and manipulating when he presented himself as honest, empathetic and virtuous. I am tempted to believe that it was the substance abuse that caused him to behave to toxic however really it just got so bad that he could not stay masked any longer.
Me too. It's like waking up and realising your whole life with them was a lie😢 And then being blamed for it all....
OhhhhhhhK yes! The “cleaned up my act now look at me part (communal)” 100% relate with this and my soon ex. Sad, to see what could be potential, I got wise to the reality. I can’t stand by the side of someone who tells half-truths & 2-faces
Mine too. Every time he had cleaned up and came back from rehab we seem to get along less. His grandiose I’m clean look at me Pat me on my back. I don’t need you attitude comes into play.
@@mos2704 the two face part is the sad and confusing one. This one got angry because I saw a different truth and didn’t want to be his fake cheerleader- said I was jealous... ha!
Step #1: "We admitted we were powerless over ______ - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Bill Bob
Those are: Only words in a real narc, they wont make any real betterment.
This channel has changed my life. Thank you Doctor Ramani! I hope you get everything you want in life.
Substance abuse = self soothing thru self medication
only one aspect of the issue here
Dr Ramani, Thanks to You and many other channels, I learned that narcs don't change, or learn from their past. When I learned that fact about my ex, I didn't hold out any hope for her to change or learn, I just left. I wasn't going to sacrifice my self identity or my happiness for someone with a long history of horrible self destructive behavior & choices
Not all people with addiction are narcissists!!! To all the people who argued with me.
True, my addiction is nice people, chocolate, coffee, raspberries, healthy foods though mac n cheese is hard to resist, reading, gardening, sports, dance, music, concerts, etc. In no particular order. I'll add more later🙂
Thank you 🙏🏼 it took me 5 years of dedicated work on my own, in Al Anon, to clear up this confusion. Narcissism was underlying, so when the addict got sober from drugs and alcohol, the behavior was not only exactly the same - he became even more grandiose, swapping alcohol and drugs for exercise, sex and shopping addictions. Now looking back historically, it seems there’s about a 5-6year window of time that the extreme behavior and/or addiction runs its course, and then it’s swapped out for a new addiction or extreme behavior (rock climbing, yoga, tattoos, shopping, surfing). All these addictions or compulsions last about 5-6 years, and then one day, they’re thrown away and a new addiction fills its place. People. Places. Things. They’re all objects to satisfy the narcissist needs. Al Anon helps. But then I needed research on narcissism and people like you Dr. Ramani. 🙏🏼 thank you.
I go to alcoholics anonymous and alanon
I tried Al-Anon as well, and I thought it was a cult made by alcoholism to call the kettle black. Al-Anon was made by the very addicts (narcissists) themselves to project their shame onto those they've abused. Look into the founders of AA, and you'll see that they were narcissists themselves.
It all comes back to that poor impulse control. I thought the alcohol was what caused my husband to be so awful, when he became a binge drinker 12 years into our marriage. After finding your channel, I realized he was always showing these covert narcissistic behaviors, I just didn't understand what it was I was dealing with. Analyzing his behavior, I finally understood why he acted the way he did. I realized that even if he quit drinking he wouldn't become the nice, caring man I thought was on the inside, because he never really was that person, he just did a great job of convincing me he was and gaslighting me when I noticed the inconsistencies. His lack of impulse control is/was evident in other areas: excess spending with an insistence on the best quality things, past food/weight issues, alcohol, drugs, etc. I left him 4 months ago after 24yrs together
Wow ... how are you doing? What have you found that helps you most in getting by the day to day and recovering best you can from this? And, good on you for doing something. It is such a process to get to the point where you feel strong enough in your confidence and understanding of what you're dealing with to do something. We can't love them enough or be nice enough to ever change them ... what we hoped we saw, was never there. Lack of impulse control and excess in everything that's important to them.
@@theblissfullone I'm hanging in there. It's amazing how much calmer my life is without him in it. I have moments/days where I struggle with the gaslighting more than anything. The good memories come up and I have to remember all the bad times, and really think back to red flags I saw even in the beginning. That usually helps me feel better, though I want to find a therapist once I have insurance so that an outside perspective can validate my reality lol. Hoping these things get better with time. Incidentally, in finalizing our divorce I discovered he totalled his car recently, so there's another proof of his poor impulse control and that I made the right call in leaving when I did 👍
@@graceface418 So glad to hear from you. Yes, the mix of good and bad memories is such a toxic mix. It's hard for those who haven't gone through it to understand.
You know, there is a place called 7cups ... you can sign up and just talk to people, they're called 'listeners' and it's totally free. I know what a relief it can be just to open up to someone. Take care and stay strong! 🌷
Yes, thank you. My narcissist sadly died as a result of addiction. Addiction can mimic narcissistic traits. However, cluster b is so prone to find fulfillment from external sources, dopamine deficiencies, and overall self indulgence that addiction is so prevalent and often deadly.
One time my psycho ex picked me up from the home of a friend who is a nurse. He reached into his car & took a pill from a bottle right in front of us. I was just getting to 'know' this person so my friend told me to ask him what he was taking. I did and he said it was vicodin for a bad back. My friend later told me that he should not be able to take such a strong pain medication and then drive, unless it was something his body was used to. In retrospect, because of her medical background, she was concerned about prescription pills abuse which I had no knowledge about. Maybe something about him overall had alarmed her because she also thought he seemed "off". Looking back, I think there was validity to her concern about this type of drug abuse. As I look back and put all the pieces together of all the madness I encountered, I now believe that addiction to pills might very well be one of his many vices. I recall one of our earlier dates when we were just getting to know each other where he took me to dinner with his uncle and aunt who raised him. Both seemed odd and the aunt's mannerisms seemed VERY odd. She had a portable oxygen tank, yet was smoking! She tore into her food like a wild animal and she just looked 'wild'! As little as I knew about the world of drug addiction, I thought enough to say to him that she seemed to be on drugs. His very casual response was 'could you tell'? Now that I know about psych-narc behavior and addictive, obsessive personalities, looking back, I think it's plausible that he was an addict. His speech was very slow and his demeanor was "sleepy". And among the things he later disclosed or I discovered was that he was a chronic gambler who lived at casinos, and also had a longgg history with prostitutes including men. All sick, addictive behaviors. I don't even smoke, drink, etc and I can't stop ruminating on how I ever got involved with such a demonic person. I know....I was presented with a facade but still foolish to not know what a red flag was. I mean, I had only ever seen people like him in Lifetime movies or on Dateline, but certainly not out in public freely targeting unsuspecting women that have no commonalities with any of his sick vices.
Thank you for sharing.
"Just as the addict and narcissist both will spend a lot of time in denial, so too do the people around them and that means that the same denial of the addict enabler is also seen in the narcissist enabler. The substance abuser, who is narcissist, will deny having a problem even more strongly, so it is like double the denial. The combination of narcissism and substance abuse is 'lethal and exhausting;' the highs and lows of narcissism and substance abuse get exaggerated when both are present, meaning that it is an even more toxic relationship for the people around them. As we all know addicts need to be the one to commit to change. You can't change them; it is a matter of personal responsibility and the negative impact of the relationship on you is going to be even worse if both narcissism and substance abuse are present. Make sure you have the support you need.. keep in mind [however] that a lot of programs that support supporters of addicts do not understand the issue of co-occurring narcissism and substance abuse.. that can feel isolating.. so you need to understand you might be dealing with a very specific kind of pattern." Thanks again Dr. Romani ever do much for your amazing dedication and altruism.
This is so sad. It breaks my heart
My soon to be ex husband just went through rehab and was in a sober living facility. He said the rehab had to release him, because he was so successful that their program could not help him since he superseded the program. He was allegedly asked to become a speaker and a sponsor while in the sober living facility. That doesn't happen until 1-2 years of sobriety. Oh and he was kicked out of the sober living for violating the rules. He was drinking.
I am dealing with a narcissist who is also an addict.... very hard to deal with!
My ex was the same. Addicted to cocaine, gambling, porn (which he hid really well for a long time). I didn't know about narcissism so I didn't understand why nothing changed after he came out of rehab. He never apologized for what he put me through, didn't even acknowledge that those around him had been negatively impacted by his behaviour.
The worst
A diagnosed narcissist that was around me could not be sober from cannabis or alcohol and I asked him why. He stated it takes the edge off. When I asked him why he needed the edge taken off even when we were in nature and beautiful settings he didn’t have an answer. He did not have enough awareness in my opinion to be able to say what he was feeling nor how to digest it. He was high or drunk 85% of the time in the two years I knew him.
Could you please do a video that addresses the issue of narcissism and micro cheating? A therapist has led me to understand that it can be more damaging than outright cheating as it is subconsciously done with the narcissist's intent of their later gaslighting and eroding their victim's boundaries by saying things like, "I am only friends with that person, it's not cheating, you are being unreasonable, you are being untrusting." It also brings them just barely above reproach, as it is isn't outright cheating. They can justify to mutual friends, who will then enable the narcissist and further assist to gaslight the victim.
Also, can you address the phenomenon of when a narcissist gets out of one relationship and into another and will literally do the same activities even at the same places that he/she did with previous partners? This is something I have been witness to and victim of and it is highly unsettling to see a person bringing their new significant other/soon-to-be-victim on the exact same adventures, to concerts by the exact same bands, doing the exact same sports activities, or going to the exact same restaurants, especially when they post about this on social media and especially when their new person previously didn't do these things. Is it a further effort to punish their previous victim? Or is it merely another symptom of their need to just have a new person as an accessory, enabler, and narcissistic supplier in their life? Also, is there even a clinical term for this yet? I spoke to a therapist about it recently who described it as a pathological memory replacement which is part o their memory erasure, like the narcissist is trying to replace memories. Can you please shed light on this in a future video?
Dr. Omar Minwalla, Dr. Rob Weiss, and Dr. Barbara Steffens (APSATS), and BTR.org all address this. Flirting, sexual intrigue, pornography viewing, etc....
Wow! You just described my ex
Interesting what you said about the micro cheating gaslighting technique. Mine didn’t micro cheat (just flat out cheated aha) but he used to talk about his ex girlfriends in ways which would make me feel uncomfortable and insecure. And compare me to them. I see now it was all little seeds, because when I finally turned around and said something, I was the psycho bitch who couldn’t handle the fact I wasn’t his first girlfriend. He then text his entire family telling them they were never allowed to mention his ex’s around me because I was insecure about them, so then I had to live with his family thinking I was immature and possessive. I’m such a chilled out person, I couldn’t give a damn about your ex’s or your female friends, but you’re right, they do it to gaslight you. It’s all just a game and I hate that I played it for so long.
I don’t understand what micro cheating is. Is this different than triangulation or gaslighting?
Yes Dr. Ramini please. My narc likes to help other damsels but I thought it was because I am old supply - like been married 30 yrs. He's a neglectful narc so this is no surprise
Yes.. and CPS needs to hear this video because they just kept sending him to rehab.. He believes that HE counseled the counselors. And they "saw right through my wife's bullshit" shake my head.
Sober does NOT equal SAFE.
Bingo, 100% correct Hyde Brown!
No it does not! My husband stopped drinking for decades and he was always extremely abusive and he even displayed the traits of a sociopath. He got into AA 3 1/2 years ago and I finally saw a new person. It seems to have worked. The drunk brother in law, well, that’s a different story.
HUMILITY ...the KEY to solving SO many of our issues...♡
THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH . this is my ex husband I invested 8 years due to my lack of boundaries . He was in recovery so I thought but when I removed myself , removing my emotions and connecting the dots I realized the meetings he was going to was just to feed his ego fooling everyone , i now believe without a doubt he is a highly functional addict / narcissist ,, including sex addiction . I saw Huge denial , blaming everyone but himself . I can so indentify with everything you said . The self entitlement I saw in this person was so inflated it blew me away . When a person goes to meetings for the RIGHT reasons they experience a heart change they experience gratitude and humility . The opposite happened to this person cause no heart change took place quite the opposite . This was more closure i needed .. Thank You .
Hugs. Same here. My ex had a secret sexual life for the entirety of our 25 year relationship. He is a sex/porn addict, alcoholic, and covert narcissist. He finally agreed to SA as a measure to feign “sobriety” and “recovery”, save the marriage, and give himself an excuse. He also enjoyed the narcissistic supply from fellows, as he branded himself as working a “perfect program” and being in “good, solid recovery”- not the case. My intuition sensed the deceit and incongruence.
Loohoo B, now that’s some serious gaslighting. 🙃
And Gigi, 25 years with someone with a secret sexual life on the side? I don’t know how people can even do this logistically, not to mention spiritually.
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 Wow !!! It amazes me the severed conscience that is so apparent when I hear of stories shared about how they operate .
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 AGREE COMPLETELY ...
Alcohol and marijuana made my ex stop pretending he cared. Funnily enough, the only time he ever told me he loved me, he was drunk. And supposedly he couldn't tell me when sober 'because you wouldn't appreciate it enough'. When he did psychedelics though, he often expected me to be a sober 'nanny' for him. What I find the most amusing about his weed use though - I called him out on being addicted several times. He actually admitted once, but didn't want to do anything about it. There were a few instances where he stopped smoking for, say, two weeks, just to prove he can stop whenever he want and for that reason he doesn't need to. I'm glad I'm past that and mostly recovered now.
since getting help for myself as an adult child of an alcoholic mother, who also had narcisstic tendencies it's very clear in those circles there are 2 distinct types of alcoholics- narc and not narc and as expected the narc variety are much less likely to get recovery, as they have to admit they have a problem and make amends. Not strong points! They will much more likely blame everything and everybody else or just refuse to admit there is a problem. The other issue is substance abuse actually causes permanent brain damage over many years of use that makes the narc behaviour much worse, this definitely happened in my mothers case.
so true. i can personally relate narc parent abusing many different illegal drugs on top of regular alcohol and nicotine use for all of their adult life. the two factors (narc + addict) combined definitely adds to the complexity of the behaviors makes a relationship with them extremely toxic, confusing, painful, terrible
I started drinking very soon after I met my abusive husband and have struggled with this on and off ever since. He has always used it as a tool against me. The other main tool is my struggle to work with anxiety, depression and OCD. This has been going on for thirty years. We met after me having a childhood with a controlling mother. I only started awakening to the abuse recently and it is very challenging. I am getting stronger though. For me education is key and Dr Ramani has helped extremely with this. Thanks to her compassion and intelligence!
This all makes so much sense, after living through a reasonable time of sobriety with someone and seeing that personality still shone through it became apparent that something else was going on. I knew there was a mental health issue but I had no idea. Your videos explain everything so thoroughly and bring a lot of light to something I've been dealing with for many years. I'm happy to have some resources now
Throughout my marriage I have struggled with my husband’s multiple addictions; drugs, alcohol, gambling and infidelity. After decades of these behaviors, he finally decided to stop (or minimize) most of them. I participated in Alanon, family addiction counseling, individual therapy . I had thought (what were reasonable expectations) that without the addictions our life would become “normalized”. Now I understand that all the addictions were fueled by his narcissism . His addictions allowed him to feed his narcissism, by being the life of the party and the guy everyone wanted to be with. However without the addictions the narcissism is still prevalent. He has become blind to his past behavior and the damage it has done to our family. He even goes to the extreme of being self righteous with his comments when viewing others struggling . Not long ago I had had enough of his self righteous comments and spoke out about the damage and challenges that I and our children had/are dealing with. His comment was “How in the hell am I ever going to get past all that if you constantly throw it in my face. Im trying to forget it all, but you wont let me!” Albeit this was the one and only time I have (since he stopped drinking/drugging) that I had said anything of this sort. He did not want to take ownership of the damage that had been done and expected me to just carry on as though it had never occurred. I know now that he will never accept nor apologize for his behaviors nor take ownership of the damage done by them. This is one thing the therapists and drug counselors never seemed to recognize. It is not something a narcissist will ever do.
Oh my god. This explains the last 9 years of my life to a T. I've been watching your videos to educate myself about my family life growing up (scapegoat for my mom for sure). This explains the marriage that i finally managed to convince myself to get out of last year. It's been a rough year, full of second guessing, panic attacks, being homeless and full of guilt but I've managed to stick it out. This video relieved the worry that it would have been fixed by rehab (which he changed his mind on the day he was supposed to go). I still fight every day with the second guessing myself in even the smallest things. It's done a number on my confidence in myself but I am still here. The suicidal thoughts that finally convinced me to leave have largely quieted. Your videos have helped educate me and take some of that power back. Thank you.
Wow ... what an amazing person you are, and so strong to have got through what you did. I know you don't see that, but I sure do. And, I feel for you because if someone told me what I've just told you, I wouldn't believe them either. You are so right about second guessing ourselves and lack of confidence. You are sure not alone. I've been researching this for the better part of a decade. I impressed so far with this Dr. Lots of videos out there, but so often many don't focus on the facts enough. Another good one is The Little Shaman.
Time will help, just keep on with that strong spirit inside you. 🌷
I think it's important to note that empaths can also suffer from addiction, due to the immense amount of emotional burden we carry, as well as the constant invalidation we receive. My best friend and I met in an addiction recovery group, and she is an extremely emotionally intuitive, kind, big-hearted person. Empathic to a fault. She struggled with gambling addiction for years. I, too, battle shopping addiction. It's not that all addicts are narcissistic, but that many narcissists can potentially be addicts.
All my narcissistic Dad does is drink. One of his favorite mottos is "We're here for a good time, not a long time."
Used to hear this so often...
Totally relatable and they also say that "It is my life and you are no one to judge"
Great information, I would have thought narcissists didn't need any help to numb feelings because they lack empathy.
It seems that a person who is dealing with the narcissist would have more of a tendency to want to self medicate or numb the pain they are dealing with.
Narcissists actually live a miserable existence. Their negative behaviors are the coping mechanism they use to deal with their insecurities, sense of deep shame, and (for borderline personality disorder) their sense of guilt. They "transfer" their misery onto others so they can feel better.
@@danielkaiser8971 thanks
@@danielkaiser8971 well said.
Yeah that's why they are always looking for things outside of themselves to make them feel better because they feel horrible inside and they don't know that they can change it themselves. They think how they feel is dependent upon others or substance whatever
Narcissism and addiction!!!! I went through both and both continue with my ex narcissistic marital partner....13 years of Ambien use and every supposed kind of “natural and holistic” anything she could get her hands on....She now claims that she is off the Ambien. That addiction is currently being replaced with a new “electronic stimulation” procedure she’s now involved in.... her narcissistic abuse increased during her. addiction period with Ambien and it has not subsided since....Her abuse towards me is the same and may have even gotten worse! In my opinion and experience she was trending towards narcissistic abuse long before her use of Ambien. I do, however, believe that the substance abuse intensified her narcissistic cruelty and narcissistic meanness.... these two toxic things do not mix and the results are devastating to anyone abused in this horrific way....Thank you so much Dr. Ramani
I Pray freedom unto your life
This rings a bell! They also make their victims want to drink... 👍
@Happiness You'll be surprised. My grandfather didn't drink before he met my Narc grandmother... He became an alcoholic over time because of her jealous, manipulative, abusive behaviour. It was a way to shut it all out... So yes, they can make you want to drink....
@Happiness That's your opinion. I have mine. Not everyone can go biking or swimming or whatever, if they have a controlling partner. It's also a disease and people can be predisposed to it. He felt it was his only way out and I don't blame him. He also fought in the war and had ptsd.
@Happiness You have your opinion. I don't agree at all and you don't know everyone's situation. You also seem like one of those people who just wants an argument for the sake of it and I've met many like you before. Not interested! Have a great day!
@HappinessMy grandfather who died years ago was weak? No, he fought for his country thanks and had ptsd and was married to a narc. Are all alcoholics narcs? Like I said, you just want an argument. Or maybe you're saying I'm a narc because I disagree with you. Who knows what you actually mean. To be quite honest I'm getting narc vibes from you.. You seem very bitter and toxic. Look for an argument elsewhere if you're looking for supply. Hope you find it!! 👍
@Happiness He died 20 years ago and he was not weak. He was strong and a good man...He also saw people get their heads blown off in the war. I think I would drink if I saw that shit. It's something not many of us will ever see. Keep slating him if it makes you feel good. I think you're being very unkind. I'm sure you feel good about that though!
This is such a delicate topic but one I’m glad the community is tackling. Narcissism compounds the addicts recovery and lays bear the pain other narcissists are so good at concealing. My sister has been on this journey her entire life but it’s only recently she’s been able to acknowledge how our mother’s narcissism may have become her blueprint. I’ve also managed to use the grey rock method to instill healthier boundaries between us. It’s exhausting but work worth doing.
This video somewhat explains why many of the sober alcoholics I've encountered talk about themselves so much. Everything goes back to them and their life. Other people are simply their audience.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I am currently listening to your audio book Don't you know who I am. I wish I listened to this book 10 years ago. Thank you for creating awareness about this issue. ❤️🙏Selfhelpchampion
I’m commenting again. This is sooooo right on. My life for 24 yrs. I cannot diagnose,of coarse, but if anyone was in my house
this is it. Except he fell off of recovery and still cannot admit it. The split this time was blamed on me, after finding all the info I needed on his phone.
I got good news! 1 year since my plan of escape began and I did escape June 10 2020 - I spent 4 months still listening to Coaches such as Jesse C on the Chronicles. Now I’m moving again - moving on with my life and taking a leap to yet another State to begin the next stage of my life / Living except this time I am not running away I am running to a busy wonderful future ! Christine Williams here - A Person That Genuinely Cares
Wow, good for you! How do you feel and how are you doing?
I've been looking into this stuff for the better part of a decade ... started with Sam Vaknin, he was one of the first/few talking about the issue years ago. You bring up an important topic ... the exit plan. I'd like to see more content on this topic. I've just found this Drs channel, so perhaps she covers it.
@@theblissfullone Christine Williams here - I Say “ Take Their Dang Head Off “ off did I mention off - & “ Let Them Do The Work ( chopping yeh chopping ) “ - Not some “ Clean “ “ C U T “ “ w / out suffering “ That Is J U S T I C E ! Where there is no justice for Narc Abuse Take the Abuse and Put It To Use ! Learn / Read / Educate , They will blow themselves up & Just Be There To Sign The Damb Police Report when they cross the line & they will . . .
@@theblissfullone I’ll write it down, there’s allot however it will / does work for even the souls at their weakest point. I had it written then pushed the wrong button and it erased. Not to tech savvy however I know the basics .
@@chuchuepronouncedchoochool8070 ... thanks ever so much, I truly appreciate it. I feel for you, I'm the same way with this tech stuff. :-) I'm just so tired and so done, exhausted on every level. 🌷
@@theblissfullone Christine Williams here - I Say “ Take Their Dang Head Off “ off did I mention off - & “ Let Them Do The Work ( chopping yeh chopping ) “ - Not some “ Clean “ “ C U T “ “ w / out suffering “ That Is J U S T I C E ! Where there is no justice for Narc Abuse Take the Abuse and Put It To Use ! Learn / Read / Educate , They will blow themselves up & Just Be There To Sign The Damb Police Report when they cross the line & they will . . .
Thank you for explaining this. Alnon has saved my life. It is so painful when you have experienced this experience with loved ones. In listening i can see myself with some of these traits I was not aware of. Thank you
I'm aware of the prevalence between mental illness and substance abuse, but until a few years ago I was oblivious to the fact that my mother's behavior could not fully be explained by mere alcoholism. Between research and my own clinical training, I've come to the harsh realization that she is a malignant narcissist who also suffers from alcoholism. It's been an unfathomably difficult life, especially prior to my having the tools and education which taught me how to distance myself from her and heal past traumas.
As an aside, I've watched a plethora of videos, as well as perusing medical journals and reading material, but found little to no content related to being the ONLY child of a malignant narcissist/pathological narcissist. I'd greatly appreciate it if you can dedicate a video to this very specific subject. Many thanks!
This information is so important for those of us who thought "things will be better when they quit". They are who they are at their core regardless of external influences. Once I realized this I walked.
My sadistic covert narc SIL has been hooked on the highest dose of Morphine for 40 years. Yet vehemently denies any addiction to one of the most addicting drug out there. She loves to spend her time figuring out how to devour the souls of others.
Yeah my mom too... Same way, addicted her entire life, always something...crack, meth, marijuana, I don't know...now she's old and demanding opiods, but her doctor suspects she's a pillchaser and so he prescribed only the minimum dose... She lives for her pills. She will take more than the prescribed dose and then she spends a week before her prescription renews detoxing... She's a horrible human. She blames everyone else for not taking care if her, not feeding her etc... But her doctor says he thinks she's in good physical health.
The narc's a dangerous criminal at heart. Not only would he defend the benefits of addiction but he would also make SURE to drag new victim into alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling and any other form or shape of promiscuity. Remember their end goal is to use supply, discard and destroy. That's the narc"s ultimate highlight.
Thank you Dr. RAMANI!!!! I lived through this with my ex. He was an addict that went through detox and methadone treatment then add the fact he was a diabetic so talk about is all enabling. I finally figured out he is highly narcissistic. I stayed 21 years thinking it isnt his fault! I now just let his parents and family deal with it as I go pretty much no contact as we do share a beautiful daughter. You are a sanity relief! Love your videos
True recovery REQUIRES humility
So true. My ex Narc husband would get clean then 3 months into clean time I would catch him calling his dealer & his excuse would be, "I've been dope free for 3 months so I'm celebrating. I deserve it!" Keep in mind I've been a woman's addiction leader for 10 yrs at the time. Listening to this triggers old experiences yes it's so draining thank God I got away 5 years ago best thing I ever did
Thank you for your thoughts. My diagnosed Narcissistic ex also suffered from gambling, alcoholism and marijuna. All seemed to provide emotional support. Alcohol made him feel good, up and in control (in reality for me it was agression), M made him funny, relaxed so he liked himself. Gambling was the excitement of being a winner (he knew he lost but couldn't stop).
I now understand the pattern and emotional irregularity.
He justified his behaviour, projected onto me that I had issues.
Any break up is sad but somethings you can't live with. Life is too short.
Once you understand you can forgive their mental issues and move on and help yourself to recover. Takes a few years to make sense of it all.
Thank you for your videos
Great description of the effects alcohol, marijuana and gambling have on them. Understanding the emotional irregularity and mental issues does help. A friend said, remember he's 'sick' ... that would help me sometimes in dealing with him, keeping that in my mind.
How did you get away, and what did you find helped you most post break up?
@@theblissfullone you have to ask yourself why do you have to accept dealing with someone who is sick. Who can't change, and who's addictions are more important than you. You deserve more contentment out of life. If you are married with kids then it's so hard to survive and break away. Friends helped me plus his attack back at me helped the no return. I lost my identity and a sense of self for a while. But my kids thrived. One life and I wasted time with him trying to understand, get him to accept he needed help, to no avail. The good days keep you hanging in but the roller coaster ride takes it's toll.
If you are young, fight for yourself, don't miss out on ffinding the beautiful potential relationship you deserve. Have a separation time if you need but once you've decided keep away from him. Be strong..you know deep down what's right for your soul.
Sending you a huge hug and thx for your message.
I forgot to add that there is often another mental illness under the surface that is masked by addictions. Anxiety and the need to control in my case.x
@@gailthomas7761 ... all such excellent points, Gail. Thank you ever so much. I've been trying for years, and there's barely anything left of me. I can't function with him any more. I'm exhausted on many levels and tired of devoting so much time and energy to this problem. I've been researching this for the better part of 10 years, so the decision doesn't come lightly ... I just know it's time for it to end ... and, I know I've done everything I can. He's in his 50's now, and if anything the ugliness has increased the last year especially. On top of the anger and control issues, he treats my home like a hotel, takes no responsibility or help with anything ... unless asked repeatedly, it's like having a spoilt kid. The last especially bad bout of his behavior took place about 3 weeks ago ... emotionally knocked the stuffing out of me for over a week. Life's too short for this, as you say so well. Thanks so much for the dear hugs, sending big hugs back your way. 🌷
@@theblissfullone I feel such pain in you. It's hard to leave what is familiar. Even if it's bad familiar. I wrote a journal during this time of deattaching which helps, when in the future, you think ..was I right to leave, did I do everything I could... Yes I was!!
I researched Sam Vakin videos..there are tons of them.. his description of the Narcissist being a child wanting mummy and when they feel you pulling away...the rage or emotional abuse comes out.
A relationship has to have respect and a mutual desire to make the other happy person happy. Take care on your new path of you...making you happy.x
My narcissist ex smoked weed almost 24hours a day. He would literally wake up at 3am and hit the bong throughout the day until he went go bed. He even used weed vape pens at work and smoked cigarettes without me knowing for a year. It was all very annoying til I moved in with him and realized he had a alcohol addiction as well. He would drink 3 to 5 cans of beer every single day and socially even more to where he would be drunk and start fights with me. It was a living nightmare!
My narc husband has been drinking I think longer than he’s allowed me to believe. The other substances make him even worse already. Here it is Christmas 🎄 2024 and I’m not allowed to leave my room to be with my family after he physically attacked me. This physical abuse has only escalated and his attack today he claims is fake while the entire right side of my body is bruised including my face after being pushed hard off my feet to the master bathroom floor.
Get domestic violence support and find an excuse to run away.
This information you shared was another part of the puzzle. The content is 100 percent spot on. Did I hear a bell??? Maybe, you have a kitty that was playing at your feet. Your smile got bigger and you handled it with such grace. Thank you for all that you do.
Agree, she's very spot on with all of this. Very impressed. I've been looking into this for the better part of a decade, started with Sam Vaknin. This Drs good, and to the point.
It’s so true the person I deal with is in rehab and has been clean for almost 30 days and the mother was hoping once she got clean she would be a nicer thankful grateful person and instead got a raging daughter ungrateful and threatening to keep her away from grandkids.. This video is so informative and I can’t wait to pass this message Thank you
Narcissists are bitter bitter people. Bitterness creates meanness, meanness begets cruelty.
I like the simple statement. However, 'psycho-level' selfishness seems to be the defining characteristic. They seem to be happy, on a superficial level, and at the same time bitter and hate filled to anyone 'below' them.
Well said.
@@theblissfullone Got that from Dr. Jordan Perterson.
@@btwthblood ... ahhh, makes sense. Dr. Peterson is wonderful. Thanks for sharing that.
@@btwthblood No I didn't lol
"Paralyzed by hope" I lived that one.
I own my part and am learning more about co dependency as I look back.
Doing my best
To me addiction and narcissistic personality disorders go hand in hand 🖐️
From what I have been learning, it seems that an addictive personality is part of the narcissistic person. My ex stated he had an addictive personality...he omitted the more serious part...that he's a narcissist.
Addictive personality is difficult enough and yes, some people with hard, consistent work can recover from addictions.
However, there is NO recovering from being a clinical narcissist!
Both issues together deem it impossible to have healthy relationships with anyone, including themselves!
I did not know my ex was a narcissist with a substance abuse problem. I left him and went no contact, the hyper sexual abuse, verbal and then came physical abuse. He hit me at my daughter’s wedding accusing me of cheating. I don’t know what he was on but it was alcohol and coke, he was scary crazy. That was my last straw. He tried to Hoover me by claiming he was going to get sober, go to AA. But ai did not fall for it like I did the first time I left him 4 years ago. After I left I researched his past relationships and there were 3 domestic violence abuse cases filed on him. I got out with my life and now starts the healing process.
Thank you so much again. You are appreciated and loved!
I also find Dr. Gabor Mate's work very applicable/important in the realm of addiction. He asserts that addiction is the result of altered brain anatomy and function caused by child abuse during formative years. Specifically, abuse during certain times of brain development can literally lessen the number of dopamine/serotonin and other hormone receptors, thereby altering normal hormone levels, esp. dopamine in addiction.. He literally states that "Not all abuse victims become addicts, but all addicts have suffered childhood trauma."
Just another reason to take good care of our children.
I have come to largely the same conclusion, even though i have also read there is an actual 'alcoholism gene', so there is more nature than nurture to it. Even so, protecting children, having a healthy relative around, & developing healthy family support systems, & even extended family, are really important improvements we need to implement as a community now.
Thanks TH-cam for the recommendation...!
Interesting. In my family, the narcissist was always clean and sober. I think it was a way that they were always in control. They got high on abusing others. The abused ones had addiction issues to mask their pain. Then they could always call you out as being unstable.
Very important factor you bring up here, that rarely gets addressed.
Got high on abusing others- absolutely correct. The covert narc who I don’t think has substance issues I’ve realized gets high on being abusive now- when she is plain sober. The other 2, one elderly was a raging violent alcoholic, but he didn’t need alcohol to get high on his abusing, he’d do it mostly sober. Otherwise he would miss the mark when flogging us with the belt if he was drunk. He is 89 now and rarely has a beer coz of all the meds he is in and early onset Parkinsons (or some other thing causing the shakes), so drinking beer would make his shaking worse. Is that Karma? The other one at 53 looks in his 70’s and although he is still doing physical work, it’s just a matter of time before his body will revolt from getting drunk and previously stoned every day the past 30 years but in the mean time he too doesn’t need alcohol to get high abusing- though on it he is more openly abusive and perverse. 🥵. No contact is the only option for safety.
@@ZLLi661 absolutely 💯. Finally went no contact with the whole family. Free at last.
That's so brave for you to say! You have insight on yourself, most of us victims are not so lucky
You just described 10 yrs. of my life. It was hell.
And the narcissist gets a big dopamine rush every time they hurt someone's feelings. You can see it, they swell up with pride and start gloating and smirking and for a little while they're happy as a lark. And yet each time they do it they're damaging another relationship or friendship, because usually the people they hurt are family, friends, and those closest to them.
My ex would binge drink on weekends, spiral out of control then stop drinking for a few weeks and repeat. She would go months off and on with drinking. Whenever she was sober she would complain how boring everything is without drinking or how we can't go bowling because they serve beer, can't go to the movies bc there's alcohol around, etc. Eventually some event with alcohol would come up and all that sobriety would be thrown out the window.
I think she suffered more BPD than narcissism. We broke up 7 months ago, yet I feel like the addict now. "Paralyzed by hope" as Dr. Ramani stated in this video. There was a lot of substance abuse, so many lies, cheating, etc. A lot of horrible things that even caused my health to decline by trying to keep up being her care taker.
Now that I am free I am still struggling with getting out of this wishful thinking. Why is it dating a Narc / BPD person leaves you stuck? So many questions I want to ask her, not feeling like there was actual closure, hoping for reconciliation, etc. I know better, yet I'm still not letting go even though it's over, done. Ive gone no contact the entire 7 months so why am I still wanting something from her when I deserve sooo much more... anyone else relate?
I think part of the reason it leaves you 'stuck' is your taken along on this roller coaster life, get used to constant highs, lows, uncertainty ... that becomes your new norm ... and in a way you have to come down from that too.
Me too! 😢
Omg, so much truth to everything in this video., witnessing this first hand.
Thank you for including substance abuse! Narcissism and alcoholism is a sad and horrible combination. It's intensifying Narcissist traits and behaviors, therefore making the abuse twice as scary!!
100% happening with me. The narc is coercing me into taking drugs, and doesn't take no for an answer.
Set boundaries and draw the line with the narc. No drugs.
I wonder if living with a narcissist leads to substance abuse?
I think any long-term contact with a narcissist could lead to trauma, which then might unknowingly get managed by addiction. I'm thinking about Complex PTSD which many of us who grew up in narcissistic families suffer from. If a person doesn't know they have trauma they may try to numb it with addictive behaviour.
@@ka6834 I agree. Numbing the pain. :(
If working with one does everyday, I'm pretty much GUARAN...DAMN...TEEEEEEE it does!!!!
No it just makes you realise how sane you are
It could. They will drive you completely INSANE!
Yes!
I study human behavior.
And there is absolutely no better sign of narcissism than chemical addiction.
I am so confident now as soon as I know of someone's addiction to nicotine, alcohol etc...
I put up a protective barrier.
Unfortunately, they detect that they have been exposed and might react badly.
I agree 100% alcoholism = narcissist to me, especially.