First, I love your content. It, with a few others', have changed my life. That being said, I'm feeling conflicted with the no criticism advice, but then also I can't ask if I can suggest a different way of doing something. I would think asking that question nicely, or stating that how much him doing something for me would mean to me and asking him to do, but making a suggestion on how I want it done would be the alternative. At some point isn't the way people feel criticism on them? This feels overwhelming. Like I have to create a deep relationship with every person I need something from in order to know how they perceive criticism before I do the wrong thing. I'm fine with curiosity, but I'm overwhelmed with nurturing too many relationships. This probably comes from my mother never being able to be pleased so I all always trying to make sure I please everyone, but I will give up completely on a relationship if I feel they are not as invested as I am.... speaking on friendships. You've been a huge factor in h how I've changed my intimate relationships.
There are many different parts of your comment. To take something off the table -- this isn't personal to you or to your mother's behavior. This is why I'm responding in person. Hi Everybody! Being concerned with 'pleasing' is part of feeling/thinking/fearing dependence. Both men and women will worry about "pleasing" whomever they think they are dependent upon, no matter the context. At work, in business, parent-child, empoyer-employee (in either direction, friendship or romance. 1)To your statement of "I'm feeling conflicted with the no criticism advice" --- I'm not advising no criticism. That'd be silly because it's a normal human way of expressing dissatifaction. My point is that it isn't very effective and can have high-stakes consequences in interacting with all people. 2) To the rest of the sentence, "but then also I can't ask if I can suggest a different way of doing something." -- This is a completely different problem. "...way of doing something" has to do with how a result is attempted or accomplished. Everyone is sensitive to being told "how" and for good reason. We each do things in ways that complement our strengths, negate our weaknessness, honor our values and preferences, and conserve the time, money, energy and resources we're willing to spend. This what make it so touchy. Especially, when the "giver" is being asked to do it in way that they cannot see how that makes a difference in the result. For example, men are mystified by having to load the dishwasher in a particular way. If the dishes get clean, to them, that is the point and the rest is being difficult to satisfy ("I can't win". There is also an aspect of when we ask someone to cause a result for us, of respecting their "HOW." As one man put it: "You can tell me what you want or you can tell me how to do it, but not both." This means, a particular method or procedure that obviously impacts/determines the end result should be made clear from the beginning, when the person is considering agreeing to the request. -- Blessings, Alison
This is a PhD in the science of criticism. Absolutely beautiful!! I think the whole adult world needs to listen to this in their discovery of intimate relationships. Haven't seen many videos covering such a subject which is so comprehensive and perspective altering!
I'm so touched by Allison's work. If you haven't read The Queen's Code yet, it's an amazing read. Allison really Nails it. As a communication and intimacy coach for couples, I recommend all my clients read her book and listen to her recording
My favorite Buckminster Fuller quote is, "It appears that I am a verb." In considering this for myself, as in "what am I?" the answer is "Illuminate". Thank you for seeing me! -- Blessings, Alison
When I was in school getting bullied, my grandmother asked me, "If I was chicken shit?" My dad's girlfriend soon after said, "I was a crybaby like a girl." I became a tough fighter looking for trouble and found plenty, even spending a short time in jail. And nor did I cry again for 10 years and will never show my emotions Infront of a woman again. I even remember my second wife saying, "I'm only saying words." as a justification for saying the worst things to me. I have been married twice and I feel that I have PTSD from women, and I'm finished with them. Sure, there are the 0.01% of kind women. But is it really worth the effort of finding a needle in a needle stack, or enduring the pain of being emasculated? I say, "NO". Women think or act like they are soooo powerless. But that's a total lie. I now know that their words can destroy a man who cares about them. Women have to be taught that they can be just as powerful or cruel as men, but they do it in different ways. Thanks Alison. I hear real concern in you. And you make me feel good that at least one woman cares.
I am hopeful that there are many other women out there who have a desire to make a change in how they communicate with men and vise versa. Imagine what the world would be like if we all wen through the PAX courses. I don’t know what your beliefs are(meaning, I am not trying to force mine upon others, but merely trying to paint a mental picture.)? I would imagine that there would be more clarity, kindness, empathy, and compassion making it seem like we are pretty close to heaven. Sounds great to me!
I have heard my husband say the same thing about women. We have been happily married for three years, but I can see where he does have PTSD from the experiences in his life with certain women. However, I also see women who feel the same way about men. I think this is why Alison starts out by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry that so many of us have been terribly hurt and only you know how to respond to our pain by hurting. I’m so grateful that we are entering into an age where we can learn a better way, and when we know a better way, even though there are forever ups and downs, we can behave and live a better way.❤
Based on my experience, I've observed that criticism is often employed as a means for individuals to rationalize their contempt or negative feelings toward others. Criticism itself may not pose a significant issue until someone experiences a shift in their emotional connection, particularly when a partner falls out of love. At that point, the partner may feel a sense of guilt and attempt to justify their waning affection through criticism. This can be an additional layer of pain on top of the already difficult realization that someone no longer loves you.
Allison!!!! You have changed my life.... well I'm at the beginning of my journey at 46. I am a mom of 6, 5 incredible sons and one beautiful daughter 23 to 3 years old. I just gave thanks to God for your work. Queen's code is sacred
Thank you for commenting and sharing where you’re at in your journey (the beginning is a great place to be!) ❤️ Let us know if you have questions! - Alison’s team
You never cease to amaze me, Alison 😇 🤩! Thank you for making this 🥰! I think that I know what you are going to say, and then your words of wisdom are even more incredible than I predicted 🤯🤗. I say this as a compliment… I think that Jiminy Cricket is one of your spirit animals 😁.
Wow. So cogent, so true, so resonant with my experience as a man. I see myself more clearly. I'm not half through and I'm taking notes on the ways women and men criticize each other. Potent and painful to hear that a person loses respect and admiration for the person who actually takes the bait of their criticism. When Allison talks about how."the pillow is talking" to a women, I laughed out loud. I've been frustrate for years how when I've tired to have a focused conversation with my wife she'll appear to barely be listening, smiling and cuddling wi try the dogs. I'd ask her if she could just focus on me and she's get this hurt look on her face. And id be pissed because I felt in back if the line of all the other things in the environment that are "talking" to her. Not sure what the solution is, so I'm eager to finish the video~!
I appreciate this perspective, however it doesn't address abusive relationships where the male partner is being the criticizer, and the punisher. It would be a more well-rounded discussion if those dynamics were included, because otherwise, women who are in abusive relationships might think that it is their fault. I find this content to be of limited value without the aforementioned caveats.
Isn't this where you honor yourself first and say, "I'm unwilling for you to communicate to me in this way," not enter into the conversation and ultimately leave if that is not respected?
Thank you so much for delivering such an impactful topic. I really enjoyed your way of converting science info in such a humorous and playful expression ❤
Criticism paired with some self-reflective honesty and humility does not seem like a bad thing. It depends on the how and the why--is the criticism fair, is it meant to control me, or, did I fall short in my values or in the way I behaved such that it negatively affected others? Was the criticism of me as a person or of my output (e.g., quality of work)? How do I improve as a person if I don't consider criticism honestly?
I tend to ask questions like this is why I have been struggling with some of this. I KNOW you've excellent info here, and I'm over here getting hung up on small things lol. But when I ask "why haven't you..." Questions I truly want to know why. Sometimes, the why changes everything. I am sure there's a better way than what I do, coz lord knows we need it 😂!
Alison would assert that all criticism comes from a place of fear/insecurity/lack of faith in the person and their desire to give us what we need. For example, expressing a need couched in, "Why don't you..." as if it's an inherently valuable thing to do is much less exposed that telling the truth about something that's important to us and why. -- Alison's Team
Im so confuse, please help me. My fiance loves when i criticise him. He says it makes big improvement in his life. Wherease I hate being criticised. He cannot understand it.
What about those rare occasion when the person realizes what you want Is also something they want too but they lost sight of it. Example; why don't you spend more time with kids? HIM the next day... You know I been thinking about that. And I've always said I'd make time for my kids. I will figure this out and fix it.
Everything makes a lot of sense, and I bet this criticism comes across all the time. But there’s no right or wrong when it comes to men and women. But why are we teaching girls and wives, mothers and daughters how to act, but not men and sons, fathers and husbands to understand how to provide correct masculine energy. I’ve read your book Queen’s code. Where’s King’s code?
I am not sure if and when this will be seen. How can the PAX Programs help navigate abuse? Since abuse is so much about our survival and being dependent. How can we create a life free from all types of abuse? What does look like amongst women? I struggle the most with my Mother abusing me and with rest of my family. It just seems as though everyone is attacking me. I am looking how can prevent this as much as possible.
Couldn't it also be because you care about your word? He agreed to do the garbage but slacked off. You mention gently something about the garbage. My hubby would jump up and do it because he cares about his word. What am I missing?
Well, May be because deep inside we feel it simply doesn't work. I know how to tell what I want and what I need. And I say it in a very clear, calm and warm way. Not demanding. And every single man I use to date was basically ignoring and pretending, he can't hear me. :)
What does a man mean when he says "directly?" I used to be direct and then found out that guys didn't like it. What they wanted (but couldn't articulate themselves) was for me to ask for things in a "nice" and "polite" way. So what do YOU mean by "directly"?
Single women: take trash out Single woman gets married: "Why are you so blind! Why are you a knucklehead that can't see the trash can is full?!" Her husband: "Huh? I haven't been in the kitchen to know whether its full or empty. Instead of getting mad over nothing, why not take it out?" Critical, constant complaining wife: "You're emotionally abusive!" "I have an emotionally and verbally abusive husband!" If only women had a brain to think and ears to hear themselves.
Thank you so much Allison! You actually saved my marriage this week ! Only a slight exaggeration 😆🌹❤️🩹 I am so grateful to you and tell everyone about you 🧡
First, I love your content. It, with a few others', have changed my life. That being said, I'm feeling conflicted with the no criticism advice, but then also I can't ask if I can suggest a different way of doing something. I would think asking that question nicely, or stating that how much him doing something for me would mean to me and asking him to do, but making a suggestion on how I want it done would be the alternative. At some point isn't the way people feel criticism on them? This feels overwhelming. Like I have to create a deep relationship with every person I need something from in order to know how they perceive criticism before I do the wrong thing. I'm fine with curiosity, but I'm overwhelmed with nurturing too many relationships. This probably comes from my mother never being able to be pleased so I all always trying to make sure I please everyone, but I will give up completely on a relationship if I feel they are not as invested as I am.... speaking on friendships. You've been a huge factor in h how I've changed my intimate relationships.
There are many different parts of your comment. To take something off the table -- this isn't personal to you or to your mother's behavior. This is why I'm responding in person. Hi Everybody! Being concerned with 'pleasing' is part of feeling/thinking/fearing dependence. Both men and women will worry about "pleasing" whomever they think they are dependent upon, no matter the context. At work, in business, parent-child, empoyer-employee (in either direction, friendship or romance. 1)To your statement of "I'm feeling conflicted with the no criticism advice" --- I'm not advising no criticism. That'd be silly because it's a normal human way of expressing dissatifaction. My point is that it isn't very effective and can have high-stakes consequences in interacting with all people. 2) To the rest of the sentence, "but then also I can't ask if I can suggest a different way of doing something." -- This is a completely different problem. "...way of doing something" has to do with how a result is attempted or accomplished. Everyone is sensitive to being told "how" and for good reason. We each do things in ways that complement our strengths, negate our weaknessness, honor our values and preferences, and conserve the time, money, energy and resources we're willing to spend. This what make it so touchy. Especially, when the "giver" is being asked to do it in way that they cannot see how that makes a difference in the result. For example, men are mystified by having to load the dishwasher in a particular way. If the dishes get clean, to them, that is the point and the rest is being difficult to satisfy ("I can't win". There is also an aspect of when we ask someone to cause a result for us, of respecting their "HOW." As one man put it: "You can tell me what you want or you can tell me how to do it, but not both." This means, a particular method or procedure that obviously impacts/determines the end result should be made clear from the beginning, when the person is considering agreeing to the request. -- Blessings, Alison
This is a PhD in the science of criticism. Absolutely beautiful!! I think the whole adult world needs to listen to this in their discovery of intimate relationships. Haven't seen many videos covering such a subject which is so comprehensive and perspective altering!
I'm so touched by Allison's work. If you haven't read The Queen's Code yet, it's an amazing read. Allison really Nails it. As a communication and intimacy coach for couples, I recommend all my clients read her book and listen to her recording
Thank you for your recommendation 😊 - Alison's team
As a faithful Muslim, I can tell you that there is a divine light in your soul that is reflected in your work and efforts.
My favorite Buckminster Fuller quote is, "It appears that I am a verb." In considering this for myself, as in "what am I?" the answer is "Illuminate". Thank you for seeing me! -- Blessings, Alison
@@AlisonArmstrongVideos the pleasure is mine🙏🙏
When I was in school getting bullied, my grandmother asked me, "If I was chicken shit?"
My dad's girlfriend soon after said, "I was a crybaby like a girl." I became a tough fighter looking for trouble and found plenty, even spending a short time in jail. And nor did I cry again for 10 years and will never show my emotions Infront of a woman again. I even remember my second wife saying, "I'm only saying words." as a justification for saying the worst things to me. I have been married twice and I feel that I have PTSD from women, and I'm finished with them.
Sure, there are the 0.01% of kind women. But is it really worth the effort of finding a needle in a needle stack, or enduring the pain of being emasculated? I say, "NO".
Women think or act like they are soooo powerless. But that's a total lie. I now know that their words can destroy a man who cares about them. Women have to be taught that they can be just as powerful or cruel as men, but they do it in different ways. Thanks Alison. I hear real concern in you. And you make me feel good that at least one woman cares.
Thank you for sharing, we appreciate you here.
Men guard emotions the way women guard sex.
I am hopeful that there are many other women out there who have a desire to make a change in how they communicate with men and vise versa. Imagine what the world would be like if we all wen through the PAX courses. I don’t know what your beliefs are(meaning, I am not trying to force mine upon others, but merely trying to paint a mental picture.)? I would imagine that there would be more clarity, kindness, empathy, and compassion making it seem like we are pretty close to heaven. Sounds great to me!
NON American women maybe ?
I have heard my husband say the same thing about women. We have been happily married for three years, but I can see where he does have PTSD from the experiences in his life with certain women. However, I also see women who feel the same way about men.
I think this is why Alison starts out by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry that so many of us have been terribly hurt and only you know how to respond to our pain by hurting.
I’m so grateful that we are entering into an age where we can learn a better way, and when we know a better way, even though there are forever ups and downs, we can behave and live a better way.❤
This is the most enlightening thing ive ever heard. Thank you! ❤
That's wonderful, you're welcome! Thank you for for sharing :)
Yeah more content. Thank you Alison!!!
Thank you. This was so incredibly helpful to me. I just downloaded the Queens Code. Can't wait to hear it. Bless you Alison!
You are so welcome! Thank you for your support :)
Starts at 17:14 Wanting change
Based on my experience, I've observed that criticism is often employed as a means for individuals to rationalize their contempt or negative feelings toward others. Criticism itself may not pose a significant issue until someone experiences a shift in their emotional connection, particularly when a partner falls out of love. At that point, the partner may feel a sense of guilt and attempt to justify their waning affection through criticism. This can be an additional layer of pain on top of the already difficult realization that someone no longer loves you.
Allison!!!! You have changed my life.... well I'm at the beginning of my journey at 46. I am a mom of 6, 5 incredible sons and one beautiful daughter 23 to 3 years old. I just gave thanks to God for your work. Queen's code is sacred
Thank you for commenting and sharing where you’re at in your journey (the beginning is a great place to be!) ❤️ Let us know if you have questions! - Alison’s team
I am here too, similar, mama in my 40’s with 8 children.
Trying to heal and not repeat the cycle.
💖
You never cease to amaze me, Alison 😇 🤩! Thank you for making this 🥰! I think that I know what you are going to say, and then your words of wisdom are even more incredible than I predicted 🤯🤗. I say this as a compliment… I think that Jiminy Cricket is one of your spirit animals 😁.
"We don't even use words for the same reason" 😂😂 I love that
I will be thinking about this topic, not sure I grasp it 💯.
It surely makes great sense, and it’s much more kind.
Wow. So cogent, so true, so resonant with my experience as a man. I see myself more clearly. I'm not half through and I'm taking notes on the ways women and men criticize each other. Potent and painful to hear that a person loses respect and admiration for the person who actually takes the bait of their criticism.
When Allison talks about how."the pillow is talking" to a women, I laughed out loud. I've been frustrate for years how when I've tired to have a focused conversation with my wife she'll appear to barely be listening, smiling and cuddling wi try the dogs. I'd ask her if she could just focus on me and she's get this hurt look on her face. And id be pissed because I felt in back if the line of all the other things in the environment that are "talking" to her. Not sure what the solution is, so I'm eager to finish the video~!
Ok a dry stake is serious cause for concern and must be acknowledged
I am glad I bumped into you. I am grateful. I just subscribed ❤
We're grateful too 😊 Thank you for subscribing! ❤- Alison's team
It’s always about the dishwasher
I appreciate this perspective, however it doesn't address abusive relationships where the male partner is being the criticizer, and the punisher. It would be a more well-rounded discussion if those dynamics were included, because otherwise, women who are in abusive relationships might think that it is their fault. I find this content to be of limited value without the aforementioned caveats.
Isn't this where you honor yourself first and say, "I'm unwilling for you to communicate to me in this way," not enter into the conversation and ultimately leave if that is not respected?
Try reading 'why does he do that' I found it the best resource for women in abusive relationship
Thank you so much for delivering such an impactful topic. I really enjoyed your way of converting science info in such a humorous and playful expression ❤
Criticism paired with some self-reflective honesty and humility does not seem like a bad thing. It depends on the how and the why--is the criticism fair, is it meant to control me, or, did I fall short in my values or in the way I behaved such that it negatively affected others? Was the criticism of me as a person or of my output (e.g., quality of work)? How do I improve as a person if I don't consider criticism honestly?
I tend to ask questions like this is why I have been struggling with some of this. I KNOW you've excellent info here, and I'm over here getting hung up on small things lol.
But when I ask "why haven't you..." Questions I truly want to know why. Sometimes, the why changes everything.
I am sure there's a better way than what I do, coz lord knows we need it 😂!
Here’s one I’d love for her to address is- criticizing from a place of insecurity…
Alison would assert that all criticism comes from a place of fear/insecurity/lack of faith in the person and their desire to give us what we need. For example, expressing a need couched in, "Why don't you..." as if it's an inherently valuable thing to do is much less exposed that telling the truth about something that's important to us and why. -- Alison's Team
Is there a video or resource on how to react/respond to criticism?
With humility.
Im so confuse, please help me. My fiance loves when i criticise him. He says it makes big improvement in his life. Wherease I hate being criticised. He cannot understand it.
His kingdom alone? Which book are you mentioning please?
Is it keys to the kingdom?
You are so pretty! I hope I can be just as pretty at 40💗
Great video
What about those rare occasion when the person realizes what you want Is also something they want too but they lost sight of it. Example; why don't you spend more time with kids? HIM the next day... You know I been thinking about that. And I've always said I'd make time for my kids. I will figure this out and fix it.
Everything makes a lot of sense, and I bet this criticism comes across all the time. But there’s no right or wrong when it comes to men and women. But why are we teaching girls and wives, mothers and daughters how to act, but not men and sons, fathers and husbands to understand how to provide correct masculine energy. I’ve read your book Queen’s code. Where’s King’s code?
I am not sure if and when this will be seen. How can the PAX Programs help navigate abuse? Since abuse is so much about our survival and being dependent. How can we create a life free from all types of abuse? What does look like amongst women? I struggle the most with my Mother abusing me and with rest of my family. It just seems as though everyone is attacking me. I am looking how can prevent this as much as possible.
Try reading boundary boss by Terri Cole. Alison is very firm on her boundaries and putting them in place. Good luck darling 💛
Learning all this I can see I was not prepared for marriage, the whole thing seems unattractive and not worth the effort.
26:54, 30:22
❤️
The one about the separated husband rewriting history, stinks to gaslighting.
Couldn't it also be because you care about your word? He agreed to do the garbage but slacked off. You mention gently something about the garbage. My hubby would jump up and do it because he cares about his word. What am I missing?
Why don’t women have the ability to communicate directly
Well, May be because deep inside we feel it simply doesn't work.
I know how to tell what I want and what I need. And I say it in a very clear, calm and warm way. Not demanding. And every single man I use to date was basically ignoring and pretending, he can't hear me. :)
What does a man mean when he says "directly?" I used to be direct and then found out that guys didn't like it. What they wanted (but couldn't articulate themselves) was for me to ask for things in a "nice" and "polite" way.
So what do YOU mean by "directly"?
That's a gender stereotype. I am a blunt, plainspoken woman. I say exactly what I mean and don't do passive-aggression.
Single women: take trash out
Single woman gets married: "Why are you so blind! Why are you a knucklehead that can't see the trash can is full?!"
Her husband: "Huh? I haven't been in the kitchen to know whether its full or empty. Instead of getting mad over nothing, why not take it out?"
Critical, constant complaining wife: "You're emotionally abusive!" "I have an emotionally and verbally abusive husband!"
If only women had a brain to think and ears to hear themselves.
Thank you so much Allison! You actually saved my marriage this week ! Only a slight exaggeration 😆🌹❤️🩹 I am so grateful to you and tell everyone about you 🧡
Estrogen,… Women are hampered by their gender. Thank you.