Today we're discussing 2 interesting examples of 'pick up artists' and self-proclaimed 'self help gurus' in small TH-camr Jay Mistry and somehow bestselling author Mark Manson - both are an absolute danger to men and women based on the advice they give people and we really need to talk about it. Update: Between writing my script and finishing editing this video Jay has deleted nearly 400,000 views worth of videos including some of the ones I spoke about in this video... so that's interesting. 0:00 Introduction 4:32 Approaching 3,000 "Girls" 14:29 The TH-cam Channel 16:48 Dangerous Mental Health Advice 42:29 Terrible Dating Advice 58:15 Reviewing Mark Manson's 'Models' 1:15:53 Is She Into Me? Probably Not. 1:25:01 9 Versions Of The Same (AI?) Book
@RachelOates Hi Rachel! Thanks for the video, I think it is really important to push back against these harmful people who want to influence the younger generation. I was wondering... A lot of these pick up artists and other worrisome people have trouble connecting to people. Some are narcissistic, borderline, some are on the autism spectrum. They have a need for connection, but because of their neglected mental conditions, they cannot understand and connect to others. Maybe that's why they choose control, violence, and choose to commodify women. It is a choice, and they have to be pushed back against, and they aren't excused by any mental condition. That being said, I'm wondering what your thoughts are, as someone who is also living with autism. Can you have some understanding for them (for their loneliness, not their choice of coping)? What do you think would get to them, what could change their minds, or help them question their beliefs? Do you have experiences when you changed your mind, what that was like, who'd contributed, and in what way? I'd be super interested in a video on discussing these questions, and I think it would also be helpful in learning how to respond to these people, or their "pupils" (besides stop it). 😊 Cheers! ❤
Good. Hopefully more people can make videos to bring these guys down. That poor suicidal teen. Im.scared he will.either hurt himself after this "help" does nothing, or uses the "advice" to turn him into an abuser. God why are men so obsessed with sex???????? I mean I'm asexual so it really makes even less sense but approach 3,000 women??? Don't give her attention. Not flirt because shes human but because she might only be worth getting sex. But I'd bet hes one of those men wildly obsessed with womens "body count" if its more than 5 even in your 30s but approaching 11,000 times is great. He wants sex. Why don't these guys just get escorts? Men can get online and find women who WANT sex. Maybe it'll cost you money but you'd be taking the girl you approach somewhere anyway cuz absolutely no woman has a man walk up and say "wanna go have sex, for free, right now"
Haven’t watched the video yet so idk the full context of this comment, but ‘playing a character’ CAN be helpful imo! For me personally, it helped me try new things (“I probably look so stupid I don’t belong here” --> “Okay let’s just try and roleplay as someone who is confident in learning and making mistakes”) It helped a lot with the ‘fake it till you make it’ mindset. It could also be because my ADHD made me subconsciously roleplay as my favourite characters a lot when I was a kid! I had to unpack/unlearn that first, so I understand it’s not the healthiest. Sure it’s definitely less than ideal, and the context of these self help books might have nothing to do with my entire ramble, but I think it can be a great tool if you’re self aware enough :’)
Just got to this part of the video. the point he's trying to make is especially dumb because most times depression or suicidality comes from the situation you're in, not who you are as a person (in my experience).
I do that to survive. In a few hours I will be paid to smile, conduct myself with professionalism and calmness. Humans are complex, in the sphere of attraction and dating - experience has taught me one thing, one unfortunate thing women project just as much as what they desire onto men as men do onto women - if I am in a good mood, I am generally confident, happy - chill - anxiety doesn't really exist for me - so therefore - women pedestalise me/idealise me - we all do this, we all have pre-conceptions that we apply - we have insticts that judge swiftly somethimes - gut instinct is a gift it must be said, so am I fake? No I am simply human - we choose who we accept in life.
also that self care element is something I only recognized recently! I knew I got urges when in emotional distress, or when everything was just too much, and that made sense, but I also got urges when feeling down for prolonged times, and the self care angle makes a lot of sense here. When I am no longer able to regularly brush my teeth, self harm may be a last resort for my body to make me care for myself..
@@kajielin4354I empathise with you, sometimes it can feel like there's no other options to take your mind off if it, especially in moments of emotional distress.
And then there’s also the category of those who get aggressive 🥴 Not just men, in general I have had people who seemed to get genuinely angry at me?? But I went on a date with a guy once and he saw some healing cuts and he wanted to see and when I said no I think he just grabbed my arm … then I went to the bathroom for a moment I think. No more dates after that, thanks to Covid for a good excuse lol
I think this guy is actually even more dangerous. Build up your muscles so you can overpower women and fight off any challenges; build up communication skills so you can talk yourself out of any situation; and so on…. I may be older and more bitter but it screamed ‘recruitment’ to me….
This is so dangerous. Just acting as if you could outdiscipline mental illness. You can be as disciplined as it gets, if your mental illness includes extreme fatigue, shutdowns and dissociations you don't stand a chance. Your brain is the one doing the discipline, and if it's sick, there's no "outbraining" the brain.
When my eating disorder was at its worst, I looked “disciplined”. That was the problem I was too rigid. I now weight more than I did before and I’m not in the gym everyday but soooooo many of my mental and medical problems have improved from recovery and having a more balanced lifestyle. Saying discipline is the blanket answer to all mental problems is just false and plays a dangerous game
One guy told me “If you stop seeing yourself as the victim your depression will go away.” 😂 I don’t even know where to start… Honestly love it when guys show their emotional and social immaturity right out the gate. No wasting my time
I once had a health teacher who put it this way. "You have a really bad cold and go to see the doctor, you don't feel embarrassed. Therefore, you shouldn't feel embarrassed if you need to see a doctor for your mental health."
In the same vein: A friend was off work for a burnout, his doctor said "you're off for a month and we'll see after that", the friend said "nah, in 2 weeks i'll be fine". To which my boyfriend said "imagine you broke your leg, the doctor said it takes a month minimum to heal and you say fuck it, i'll go back to the marathon in 2 weeks on a still broken leg, do you think that makes sense?"
I think he’s right about the three things I want in life as a man. I’m disabled physically so I do want a body that functions well; as a therapist I do want money to not be stressed about bills and so I can open up my own therapy practice; and as a gay man I do want lots of women in my life as friends that we can mutually bring each other support and joy!
Wow. That thing about "the character you've been playing" is doubly creepy. One, it's telling someone: "You're not a real person anyway!" That's not helpful, especially at a time like that. Two, it's a giveaway that he doesn't see anyone as a real person, _including himself._ He's been playing a character his whole life to manipulate the world and he doesn't see a problem in admitting it. Yikes.
I appreciate how passionate, clear, and fleshed-out Rachel's videos are, particularly when the subject material is so distressing. I'm so glad she's able to put such important videos out.
When i was self-harming in my early twenties, it very much was because i hated myself and thought i needed punishment. Every time i would swear never to do it again and make a bunch of plans to be the most productive, healthiest person ever-and when i missed those goals i hated myself more and was more tempted to cut. I didn’t need to grit my teeth and get up early; i needed medication and therapy and to realize that most of the things i was punishing myself for were actually abuse i was too naive and vulnerable to escape, not sins or failures of mine. This “advice” that boils down to “have you tried NOT being mentally ill?” is incredibly banal and insulting, while also as Rachel said being dangerous.
25:51 I once got a death threat by text for being a fat b**** while I was running on the treadmill. I’ve been told twice in as many years to kill myself for being a fata** while having eating disorders. The gym lecture will never be enough for toxic people.
cruelty. I hope those happenings don't affect you any longer. If they do, it's fine, I still let some of the past bother me. Some wounds turn to permanent scars. It's sadly, part of being human.
@@warlordofbritanniaExactly, just makes you more depressed thinking about all the terrible things and trying not to kill yourself because of the immense guilt of feeling like that when you are in fact fed, have a roof over your head and a job.
Dude really told other men to "smize". Every time I hear these dudes' advice, it reminds me of the time I had this routine pulled on me while I was walking the dog alone and it was so weird and off-putting that I legitimately thought the guy was casing the neighborhood. And what's wild is: that guy was not unattractive! If I'd been on OKC or something, I probably would have clicked on his profile, but he blew it by being a Grade A creep! Also, that Don't Kill Yourself pep talk sounded like the random conversations I have with my mom when I'm just riffing. Like: "My apartment is pretty small but at least I wasn't born as a the earwig I vacuumed up the other day..." Real enlightening, thanks.
I once accidentally inhaled an earwig. You know those little spaces between the nearly-square section of the body of an inhaler and the circular section of the bottle of stuff that goes in it? You know how, to use an inhaler, you suck in the biggest breath you can through those spaces while slowly squeezing the bottle down to add some mist to that air? Well, there was an earwig in one of those spaces. That did not go well for the earwig.
love how this guy meets one woman with a history of self-injury and he then makes a video acting like he is an authority on it. truly the audacity of man. I also am an adult that currently deals with self-injury and it really is frustrating how the majority of discourse on it focuses on teens and people rarely considers adults who currently injure themselves. Its also funny to me how he think that people seemingly cant both experience self-injury and also be productive??? (like your experience you mentioned.) its just so simplistic. Also harm reduction is very much a valid way to approach self-injury that is underutilized IMO. "Just stop and replace with exercise" or whatever isn't achievable for a lot of people, and its dangerous to shame people who can't manage to abstain like how most people expect people who self-injure to manage it. but harm-reduction requires a degree of nuance and autonomy that people like Jay can't wrap their heads around.
Rachel if you happen to see this, thanks for helping me understand I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting children and finally gain the courage to ask for a refferal to an autism specialist. I'm 24 in the year or so I've been watching your videos you've said so many things that really made me think or even inspired me to research things on my own. Thanks for all the great video essays and getting me thinking in a good way.
Autistic female here too, I also don't want kids :) With a wonderful autistic man who got a vasectomy before we met so I know he won't change his mind!
I'm also autistic and around the same age when I realized that I don't actually want any children. I had been convinced by the society around me that having kids is THE thing to do and had bought into it. Took meeting my future husband and talking about kids that made me realize that in reality, I wasn't very fond of the thought of having kids. Neither the pregnancy itself nor raising the kids. Sadly took me a couple of years more to realize I shouldn't feel guilty about it. Of course, one shouldn't feel guilty about it, but... If society says that's a thing you should do... Anyhow, I'm now 40+ and still very happy about the decision and not feeling even once ounce of guilt about it.
Dear Rachel, as a fellow autistic woman (very late diagnosis) who has also self harmed into adulthood, I am so thankful for your openness about your struggles. I love your videos anyway but this was sth I wanted to comment on. We need to talk more about self harm in adults. We need to stop the endless shame about this topic and sign post where to find help, explain the multiple complex reasons for it and give others who suffer ways to express themselves and show them that there are not alone. ❤
They way my jaw dropped when u said the guy who wrote “the subtle art of not giving a f” wrote a book as misogynistic as roosh… holy hell i know so many family members who own his popular books wth ??? So invested in this video already
It's also morbidly fascinating when you're someone with scars that aren't self-harm scars, and honestly don't even look "clean" enough to be considered as such, in my opinion, but the guys who think you're easy prey, or have that saviour complex to them, start armchair diagnosing you. Love seeing their faces fall when I tell them I got the scars from being a careless kid who fell down a lot, AND I'm a psychologist, and proceed to point out everything they did and assumed wrong. Most don't stay around long enough to hear the whole list. Then again, maybe more people than I think don't know what self-harm scars look like, because an.ex thought my stretch marks we're self-harm scars...
Good grief… I can’t imagine feeling *disappointed* when I find out someone’s scars aren’t from self-harm. What a sick mentality some of these guys have.
My partner deals with self harm, and it's really hard to find help as an adult! We're in our 30s and it seems like after 18 services targeted towards it (and other things like eating disorders) disappear. Like you, he's looking to get some tattoos as motivation. The past couple years he's seen a ton of improvement too. Self harm seems a lot like substance use. It's often an urge and a fear, lapses can happen, for many people it can be lifelong, but also functional recovery is possible at any age. Thank you for drawing attention too. It's your own personal health information and none of us are owed it, even if you've shared in the past. It means a lot to see other adults dealing with it and talking about it.
Hi, I just wanted to respond to what you said about SH being a lot like substance abuse, because that is also my experience. I think of myself as a recovering self-harmer, in the same way as someone would be a recovering alcoholic - I still get the urge to self-harm, but I try not to act on it. I haven't actively self-harmed for several years now (since before Covid - I'm not exactly sure how long) and it is 'easier' in that I now don't want to as often, but when I do want to it can still be as difficult not to as it always has been. The main thing is that it's not an automatic process now. It took a long time to get to this point (I'm in my 40s) and I expect to be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Maybe (probably) I'll fall off this wagon again, but I have learnt that beating yourself up for failing makes it much, much harder not to fail next time. (I have heard that the other way that SH is like substance abuse is because the brain chemicals that are released when you are injured can give you a rush that is addictive, but I would need to do some more research to tell you that's 100% true.) WRT tattoos, I didn't get them to cover up scars, so I was surprised by how much tattoo aftercare gave me an opportunity to express self-care that I had only associated with SH before I got ink.
I just want to say, from a SH-addict, thank you so much for all the trigger warnings / censors / timestamps etc that you provide when this topic is being covered. I wouldn't say I'm in recovery, but I'm 'abstaining' for lack of a better word. And I recently accidentally wounded myself (not deliberate at all) but it's brought back all the urges and feels to do it. I'm right now in a very vulnerable state regarding SH so I appreciate SO much you recognising not everyone is in the mental state to hear about that topic
THANK YOU for speaking about self-harm in adults and correcting misinformation. I used to self-harm in my pre-teens, teenage years, and adolescence and now it's about 10 years since I stopped cutting which I'm extremely proud of because it was NOT easy to quit. I now have several tattoos covering most of my scars so people don't usually recognize them (they just see a tattooed woman lol), but still, it was a huge part of me coping with childhood and even young adult trauma. However, I still get furious when people misunderstand self-injury and self-harming behavior and they don't even make the effort to understand.
That's amazing! I'm so proud of you! Stopping SH is such a hard thing to do. I made it for a year and recently relapsed. But I'll just keep on fighting, hoping that one day I'll be able to stop for good.
The “just go to the gym” is so stupid. When my mental health was at its worst, including self-harm and being suicidal, I also trained martial arts five to six times a week. I was on my country’s national team and won a bunch of trophies at national tournaments and traveling to international ones. I went to weekend seminars with Japanese grandmasters all over the country whenever I could. And yep, I also went to the gym and went jogging in addition to training at the dojo. I don’t think I could’ve worked out much more before it would’ve been harmful. And yet I still hurt myself and wanted to die. Weird, huh?
If someone stopped me while we were alone and tried to kiss me, the urge to run away would be immeasurable. He would not want to be between me and the door once the fight or flight response kicks in, let alone hope for anything "spicy" happening. It's just so disgusting to even think about.
...oh my goodness. I am so, so grateful for you articulating how self-injury can be a form of self-care, in a way. I've been struggling for so, so long myself to make sense of that and put it into words, but you *nailed* it, and so simply and eloquently. Thank you so much, Rachel. ♥
Some people just don't understand that "exercise can help with mental health" doesn't equate to "your depression will disappear if you exercise in this precise way I like to exercise."
@@damejanea.macdonald2371 I can never outrun things like my childhood physical abuse - now I know. I'm in a more stable, healthier mental headspace now where I aim for more balance insteas of just a plain "let's run for 10 km so I can be tired enough to fall asleep today". Thank you so much for your well wishes.
I don't think you'll see this but I want to say thank you for being so honest and normalizing talking about SH. it's something I've struggled with and many of my friends have as well (it's unfortunately extremely common among queer and neurodivergent people) and I think it's so misunderstood. The wide variety of reasons people do it, how complex it is to stop, how it functions often as a genuine addiction. I wish it was discussed more in healthy and safe ways. One specific thing I think is so ignored is the variety of what can be SH. I didn't believe what I do was a problem for years because it doesn't leave scars or marks that last for more than a few hours/few days. Yet it still functions the same way and gives me a sense of control over my emotions. I'm trying to stop now but it's so hard, but I'm so proud of you and everyone else who is succeeding, even a dramatic reduction in frequency is so impressive.
Your second point is so true and needs to be talked about more, I used to be like 'it's okay it probably doesn't really count it doesn't last'. Yeah maybe the physical damage didn't but what did last was my willingness to harm myself the moment things went wrong. Actually, on the topic of your first point as well, the reasons people do it also aren't discussed enough! For me a lot of it was trying to have a way to visualise the mental struggles I was going through so that they would feel real, and also I wanted to see it heal because it felt like I was doing something to take care of myself. (Let it be said that self-care is not creating _more_ problems just so you can fix them... edit I just saw you talking about that in your video and I'm really glad other people are talking about this) And finally we have reasons that people don't like to talk about even within the topic of mental health. I would SH to try and distract from my hallucinations, or because I thought 'they' wanted me to. (There really needs to be more conversation about how even when talking about mental health people won't talk about specific types of mental issues because there's stigma even within these discussions. There seem to be only specific types of mental illness that are acceptable to have and even then only if they present in specific ways, I've been affected by this idea despite not being diagnosed with anything. In fact it is the reason I don't have a diagnosis and am currently not receiving help, because how am I meant to talk about it?) (Sorry for the whole book and everything my comments end up being longer than intended way too often)
I'm glad you are doing these videos to call out these self proclaimed "pick up artists'" crap. I find it disgusting and harmful that they think it's great advice to not value women and men who are vulnerable. It's scary and sad. I just hope to god no one falls for their crap but sadly some people are
As a former self harmer who has never spoken professionally about my near 20 years long experience with self harm whilst trying to cope with CPTSD and BPD I found your frank and moving explanation of how you coped and at times I was so still I caught myself feeling so emotional as you talked in such a striking and eloquent way. Proud of you Rachel, I always consume your videos when i want to learn something new about an interesting topic I especially love your own sub genre of Fundies and i love getting glimpses of my favourite snuffle queen Kyra,speaking of which; when I hear the adoring way you talk to hear, I’m genuinely happy to hear from a fellow furbaby mum. Kids? Pah!! We got paws. 🐾 ❤
One of my best friends has self harmed since we were teens, thank you for talking about it in adults. People often don’t acknowledge adults struggle with it too
Do they imagine themselves as male protagonists in romance films or something? Well, it's about time they stop imagining women as being actors playing characters, because this is real life, and we're just normal human beings. This guy failed to learn that one obvious fact after allegedly having approached 3000 women...pathetic.
CW for mention of SA: I got chatted up by an American pick up artist on the bus when I was living in Seoul over a decade ago. I recognised him straight away as I’d recently seen him bomb at a stand up comedy open mic (where he bragged about his “career”, compared himself to Will Smith’s character in Hitch, and seemed to forget to include any jokes), and I had to try so hard not to laugh when he approached me and introduced himself. I said straight up “I saw you at the comedy open mic. You’re the pick-up artist guy, right?” He looked so flustered and embarrassed. I threw him right off his game and it was a lot more hilarious than his standup routine. He gave me his business card, and it actually said “Pick Up Artist” on it 🤦♀️ His business was called ‘Pick Up Asia’. He was basically a “passport bro” before passport bros. I remember looking him up, and he had an article on Return of Kings with his “top tips for hooking up with Asian women”. One was “get her so drunk that she’ll basically let you do anything”.
As someone who is suicidal: I am genuinely sorry to hear about your trauma, Rachel. I hope you have adequate help now, and for what it's worth: I am grateful you're here to educate us.
What the heck did I watch “k your mental self not your physical self” NEWSFLASH they are both linked. That was such harmful, disgusting advice. People who are suffering cannot simply just think their way out of it. 😢 I truly hope no one ever takes his awful advice.
'Replace cutting with working out' is essentially 'replace cutting with an eating disorder', so, replace with one kind of self injury with another. Like, it would be really easy for an excersise replacement to spiral into an eating disorder, for hunger to give you the same feelings that cutting does. It's such a dangerous suggestion.
Rachel I just want to say I’ve been watching you for years and I really admire your strength and intelligence. You’ve been through so much, yet you continue to persevere and grow, and you speak about these topics with empathy and kindness. Your work isn’t going unnoticed ❤
I'm an adult woman who's been dealing with depression literally for as long as I can really remember. (Probably also autism, but I haven't been diagnosed yet.) I had this one male housemate in undergrad, and we were chatting about depression one afternoon. He admitted he had dealt with it, but he said he realized one day how selfish it was, and that was that. Like, all he had to do was say to himself, "This is a selfish activity," and he was cured for life. I don't know how I responded, but I distinctly remember thinking, "Yeah...yeah, you know what? F*ck you." He later turned out to be far weirder than I ever imagined-along the lines of, he talked a good game, but it was clear he'd never actually been with a woman. He also made very strange comments about my relationship with my boyfriend at the time, who (looking back) was a decent guy, just a bit immature.
I was similar to your roommate when it came to alcohol. I was absolutely abusing the fuck out of it in high school and came to my college classes drunk more than once. But then one day I was like "hmm this actually isn't helping anything I should stop" and then just.... Did? I don't drink much now because I realized it did a number on my emotions for like three days after but I can casually drink now and be just fine. But I would never just tell people with actual alcohol addiction that they can just do the same thing I did. I really don't know how it happened and I'm thankful that it did but I'm also aware that it is wildly out of the norm. I think that's what a lot of people who talk about depression don't understand. I think most of them have only ever dealt with situational depression and don't understand major or persistent depressive disorder and don't understand that even though they all have "depression" in the name the cure for them are not gonna be the same.
Some advice for Rachel or anyone suffering with cutting. There is this pen. It has mint so it stings a little, but it doesn't actually harm you, it helped my friend a lot with their self-harm, it doesn't leave a mark, and if you do it because you like to see blood you can get one with red ink. If you can't afford it then you can get some mint oil and dab it where you want to cut. It helped me, not sure if it will help others, but I hope it helps someone
Isn't this still self harming ? Idk if it's helpful for you if you still cause harm to yourself. I pinch my skin nowdays to not leave scars too. That way people that are close to me don't worry. It's probably not healthy for me tho
@@eatplastic9133 The difference is mint doesn't actually harm you. It's not perfect, but it doesn't damage you. Not a perfect alternative but it is better than cutting
Imagine trying to attract a woman by showing her your genuine personality while trying to get to know her and learn what her interests are. That would be crazy, right? Women clearly don't want to be treated like human beings, right? That would be crazy! Love your videos, Rachel! Your points are always very well researched and eloquently said. You look smashing today, as well!
"You will always overthink, act before your thoughts rot your mind" Loads of people definitely underthink. Many could benefit from thinking MORE. "Smile through your eyes and don't be the first to look away". Tyra Banks also taught us to smile with our eyes (it's called smizing, you uncultured swine), but that is for posing in pictures. Genuine joy SHOWS in the eyes. Sounds to me like what he means to say is "don't let them see you are faking positive feelings". It feels very "day one of acting class", and damn how I hate that finding love/sex has become this crap. Oh how lovely to meet someone who is good at FAKING they ENJOY MY COMPANY. And yeah, never admit when you actually DO (because compliments are validation and me having that would be THE WORST). Imagine if I knew you think I'm a fun to be around, charming, insightful? SUCH A TURNOFF! For real, some men are like "never give a woman validation" and "would you rather talk to a tree or a woman" at the same time and like, guysssss? 3 a day is absolutely wild. Bahahaha the #10. This guy did NOT follow #9 "don't be an annoying cringey dickhead".
Dude if I wanted to game over in real life and someone trying to "help me" not do it, they said "be grateful that you're human", I would game over right after that
So excited for the book Rachel is making, it sounds really cool. This is my favourite TH-cam channel because of her personality and the way she explains things, how she values art, helping people, and hopefully making the world a better place. I find Rachel very relatable and easy to agree with, despite living a very different life from her. These videos are thoughtful yet easy listening whenever I’m doing laundry, working on an art project, on a bike ride (etc). I love passion projects and I’m sure I’ll get a lot out of reading the book when it comes out!
Rachel I love listening to your videos while doing chores. Your voice is so calming, you are well-spoken and the strength and perseverance that shines through the stories of your personal life is admirable. That's all. I hope you have a wonderful day ❤ lots of love to Kyra Edit: I love your sarcastic humor it always cracks me up 😂
This one really hit home for me Rachel. I have a problem with self harm in both verbal and physical forms (the verbal punishment is a real kicker because it has alienated me from others all my life…). The way you described it really clicked with me in a way that I feel nobody ever understands… I look up to you so much, and seeing how you’ve been making good progress, in addition to your way of just putting the feeling to words (like the brain fog where it feels like you don’t choose), brings me such hope. I’ve been in a bad cycle, and this gave me the courage to start seeking more help again. Thank you so much for all you do!
As someone who used to self harm for years as a child/teenager in my personal experience as you work on healing and stopping yourself from indulging in those destructive habits eventually the urges will go away, and you’ll even be able to see triggering content that no longer triggers you to do it but rather triggers empathy in you and possibly inspires you to help others with your experience. I can even use and keep tools for art in my home now that I used to use for self harm and not get any urges to use those tools for anything other than what they are intended to be used for. It’s cheesy but time heals all and everything does get better 💖
I'm autistic and have adhd. I was feeling pretty poorly in 2022 due to stress related to so many thing happening. I was thinking about the good old "focus on the positives" but then I got into that toxic positivity mindset pretty quickly earlier yesterday. That idea that people who are experiencing success might hide their feelings or bottle them because they can't be sad. Because they're doing so well there's no way they're struggling. Or the whole "I'm not doing as bad as some African kid without shoes so I shouldn't complain." this happens way to often. Sure when you're doing poorly you learn to value the things you have inevitably. I remember during covid I was grateful for things I knew many people didn't have and I wasn't doing as bad. I have a decently sized balcony, I had coffee at home everyday, I live in an area that is more residential so I was able to walk around here without getting in too much trouble. I wasn't doing so bad not compared to others but looking inside myself. Mental health is so much harder than writing affirmations. It messes with you really badly. I remember feeling like an idiot because I was aware of my struggles, yet I didn't act upon them. I knew why I was failing. I knew it was my newly diagnosed adhd. But having had the same mentality for 20+ years meant that I couldn't just act upon it. It's not as easy as "If you struggle doing things just do them" I wish it was that easy. I know because I get dopamine boosts from doing things I love. But because I feel a certain way, I can hardly ever set my mind to do those things. I love doing graphics design work. But I was never able to sit there and complete the work I had to do for my university exams. I love cycling. Yet I was never able to fully set my mind to actually go because it feels like such a big task. Regardless of the fact I love riding my bike a lot. At the same time I knew that what was happening with my body (the pretty bad chronic gastritis outburst I had that year) was outside of my control. But somehow I still felt guilty that I was doing something wrong. I genuinely hope that my perspective and experience will help someone see things for how they are compared to the gramourized versions we see online or in movies.
I saw this video where a guy saw a woman he was interested in eating with her friends and the first thing he did when he approached her was ask if he could have a minute of her time. I thought it was really sweet that he 1 approached her in a public place where she wasn't alone and 2 made sure the interaction was consensual.
When you opened up about how self harm was a form of self care, I teared up a bit. I’ve never heard anyone put it into words like you did, I feel so understood and less alone, thank you💜
I love how you worded that video title. Often titles of vids like this say "... need(s) to be stopped", but you worded it like it should be, _they_ need to stop. Of their own accord. They need to take responsibility and realize how toxic and harmful their own thoughts and words are.
i know im days late to this, but the self harm discussion is really important to me. i speak openly about being an addict, my substance of choice was alcohol - i didn't try other substances except weed, and im glad i never did. many people think that me being an alcoholic (about 5 and a half years sober as well) means i can't call myself an addict. my *first* addiction was various forms of physical self harm, eventually cutting. addiction is not limited to substance, but is heavily characterized by taking over parts of our lives in unmanageable ways, or leading us to continuous harm that doesn't change what's stressing us. the way you speak about not making a choice to do it so much as dissociating and havign reality come back after reminds me of the way i hear people in the rooms of narcotics anonymous talk about using against their will. despite my better knowledge, it's the fix i knew. it was the release, it was the quickest coping method i had to change how i felt mentally and physically. there is a genuine addiction element to self harm for SO many people!!!
I hate gym bros who think the gym is the solution to all your problems. Exercise and moving your body helps yes but its like saying tea with honey will cure your strep throat, it'll help elleviate some symptoms but it wont cure you, you need a doctor. And thats any form of exercise because the gym is not a safe/ comfottable space for everyone.
I haven't self-harmed in years. I went to the hospital for it as a teen, and ever since, I have been terrified of that happening again. I've had some urges to do it again at points, but I haven't since then. I've been able to listen to and watch things about self-harm after that, but for some reason, I couldn't listen to that section of the video today. I'm not really sure why, but I kept cringing and it kept bringing up visceral memories. I haven't felt that kind of thing in a long time. Thank you for having the warnings Rachel, and also having chapters so that I could easily skip right when I knew it was to much for me. You're such a help and light on TH-cam, talking about important topics, being real, and being supportive of all people.
I usually don't comment as I am more of a passive viewer but congratulations on your progress! Also that design looks amazing! What helped me will sound quite cliché, I would curb the urges by drawing over my old scars with a sharpie and try to come up with a cover up. I want to get my cat tattooed as I always used her as a cover (on hindsight that was such an obviously bad cover since sh looks too organized for a cat's work and my cat was the sweetest angel)
I hate how he “gives advice” to teenage boys and young men. We are so impressionnable when we’re young and its so easy for an insecure guy to hear what he says and believe that it’s the truth, that girls like “real men” that act like this and that. My worst experiences have been as a teenager with another guy who fits in his definition of “a real men” and its shit. Because in this definition, theres no consent and you feel just like an object serving its use.
24:00 thanks for talking about this. In training to volunteer in crisis counseling, one of the things I learned was to ask about this kind of self-care. We are there to listen to their experiences and we often ask what kind of self-care they can practice to make what they feel the need to do be safer. People often feel shamed for doing that. I certainly did as a teenager and none of my friends are aware of my adult history with it.
I tried to substitute self harming with sport and I just found out how to self harm with exercises, whitch was a lot worse, because I've damaged my body a lot more that way. The marks on my skin don't hurt at all now, but my herniated disks and all the other trauma are debilitating at times...
I can’t tell if that’s better or worse than talking about PAC-MAN or Sonic the Hedgehog as an icebreaker (I’m kidding, I would totally talk about movies or games XD )
"be thankful you're a human." You mean be thankful that I'm a species that's self aware to be depressed? Being human is why I'm feeling this way in the first place. He has no idea what he's talking about.
What does killing yourself in the mental capacity even mean? Spend the rest of your life pretending to be someone else? That's not going to help anyone.
It took me years to realise that self 'harm' was actually a reward for me. It had nothing to do with self hatred. somewhat recently the DSM even acknowledges this by including non-suicidal self harm as a sensory seeking behaviour particularly in autistic people (like me). There are also plenty of societally acceptable ways to feel pain (like going too hard at the gym, violent sports). So i did deal with a lot of people judging my scars and just making assumptions. I do feel shame for my scars and try my best to hide them. I also acknowledge that many people do self harm because they are hurting, and it is not my place to judge others or guess the reason why anyone else has scars.
I cannot believe this man actually suggested that waking up at 2am to write emails would fix your mental health. He's just....there are so little words.
I also think sometimes these kind of smaller channels who try to advertise themselves on reddit threads etc on similar topic are more harmful bcs the kind of parasocial relationship a vulnerable person can build with a relatively smaller creator will make them feel even more special..
So glad I never read that “subtle art of not giving a fűck” book. I guess it’s a best seller because Amazon pushes it in every single “for you” section for years on end.
Super off-topic, but wow, didn't know you had autism! I've been doubting whether or not I fit the criteria (mostly unlearning all the harmful stereotypes about autism I've grown up around) and seeing such a confident, bright, well-spoken independent woman also being in the spectrum has opened my eyes girl Gonna take the steps into getting my diagnosis soon hopefully 💪💪 Thanks! ❤❤
Completely agree with what you said about SH Rachel. It’s never a choice, it’s more of a dissociative act that is made in a moment of distress and once it’s done there always regret . I could also describe it as not my own thoughts, a voice in my head telling me that’s what we need to do. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to break. Congrats on your few months free of SH ❤
I'm not sure he actually *does* think it's worth £50 a month, but he *does* know that his own income stream from all this depends on him promoting that kind of crap and attracting the sort of person who falls for that kind of crap. See also: flat-earthers, crypto scammers, Amazon refund scammers, televangelists, ...
I'm excited for your new poetry book, I recently purchased your reflection on healing poems book after hearing your poem Puppet Master on this channel. It has inspired me and helped diminish my inferiority complex when it came to writing poetry and now I'm working on a few books to publish myself with full confidence, so thank you so much for that .
Ain’t no way this guy approached 3000 girls, but maybe he did and got rejected 3000 times 😂 Edit: I didn’t know you were autistic, Rachel. I’m impressed how well you speak. I’m an autistic guy and can still struggle with that.
Women can tell when you’re approaching every woman you encounter, at least I can. Men who are players stick out like a sore thumb. All that enters my mind are cheating & STDs! 😂
It really feels to me like this guy made up the story about talking to a woman with scars from self-harming because he liked the “cute” little narrative he created around it. It seems unlikely that a woman would have just told this creeper all about her self-hatred during a brief, surface-level interaction where he (a stranger) is approaching her. It seems disingenuous to me…and his simplistic conclusions are so one-dimensional, but he seems to think he’s sharing some kind of deep wisdom. These guys are a dime a dozen online.
I thought this too. It just shows how delusional this guy is, he has no idea what human beings are actually like and he just cooks up lousy stories in his head and projects them onto people, self-assured that he nailed it. That interaction 100% never happened.
Today we're discussing 2 interesting examples of 'pick up artists' and self-proclaimed 'self help gurus' in small TH-camr Jay Mistry and somehow bestselling author Mark Manson - both are an absolute danger to men and women based on the advice they give people and we really need to talk about it.
Update: Between writing my script and finishing editing this video Jay has deleted nearly 400,000 views worth of videos including some of the ones I spoke about in this video... so that's interesting.
0:00 Introduction
4:32 Approaching 3,000 "Girls"
14:29 The TH-cam Channel
16:48 Dangerous Mental Health Advice
42:29 Terrible Dating Advice
58:15 Reviewing Mark Manson's 'Models'
1:15:53 Is She Into Me? Probably Not.
1:25:01 9 Versions Of The Same (AI?) Book
Maybe he's had a change of heart🤷♀️🤷♀️
I guess that's being charitable though.
@RachelOates
Hi Rachel!
Thanks for the video, I think it is really important to push back against these harmful people who want to influence the younger generation.
I was wondering... A lot of these pick up artists and other worrisome people have trouble connecting to people. Some are narcissistic, borderline, some are on the autism spectrum. They have a need for connection, but because of their neglected mental conditions, they cannot understand and connect to others. Maybe that's why they choose control, violence, and choose to commodify women. It is a choice, and they have to be pushed back against, and they aren't excused by any mental condition.
That being said, I'm wondering what your thoughts are, as someone who is also living with autism. Can you have some understanding for them (for their loneliness, not their choice of coping)? What do you think would get to them, what could change their minds, or help them question their beliefs?
Do you have experiences when you changed your mind, what that was like, who'd contributed, and in what way?
I'd be super interested in a video on discussing these questions, and I think it would also be helpful in learning how to respond to these people, or their "pupils" (besides stop it). 😊
Cheers! ❤
Good. Hopefully more people can make videos to bring these guys down.
That poor suicidal teen. Im.scared he will.either hurt himself after this "help" does nothing, or uses the "advice" to turn him into an abuser.
God why are men so obsessed with sex???????? I mean I'm asexual so it really makes even less sense but approach 3,000 women??? Don't give her attention. Not flirt because shes human but because she might only be worth getting sex.
But I'd bet hes one of those men wildly obsessed with womens "body count" if its more than 5 even in your 30s but approaching 11,000 times is great.
He wants sex. Why don't these guys just get escorts? Men can get online and find women who WANT sex. Maybe it'll cost you money but you'd be taking the girl you approach somewhere anyway cuz absolutely no woman has a man walk up and say "wanna go have sex, for free, right now"
i love how he's mad about women saying "i bet you say that to all the girls" in a book where he explains how he says that to all the girls
Telling people they're "a character" that they're "playing" just sounds like a recipe for depersonalisation if anyone is susceptible to that
Like Schrodinger’s joke, it’s only a character when he’s not being taken seriously.
That and imposter syndrome
Haven’t watched the video yet so idk the full context of this comment, but ‘playing a character’ CAN be helpful imo! For me personally, it helped me try new things (“I probably look so stupid I don’t belong here” --> “Okay let’s just try and roleplay as someone who is confident in learning and making mistakes”) It helped a lot with the ‘fake it till you make it’ mindset.
It could also be because my ADHD made me subconsciously roleplay as my favourite characters a lot when I was a kid! I had to unpack/unlearn that first, so I understand it’s not the healthiest. Sure it’s definitely less than ideal, and the context of these self help books might have nothing to do with my entire ramble, but I think it can be a great tool if you’re self aware enough :’)
Just got to this part of the video. the point he's trying to make is especially dumb because most times depression or suicidality comes from the situation you're in, not who you are as a person (in my experience).
I do that to survive. In a few hours I will be paid to smile, conduct myself with professionalism and calmness.
Humans are complex, in the sphere of attraction and dating - experience has taught me one thing, one unfortunate thing women project just as much as what they desire onto men as men do onto women - if I am in a good mood, I am generally confident, happy - chill - anxiety doesn't really exist for me - so therefore - women pedestalise me/idealise me - we all do this, we all have pre-conceptions that we apply - we have insticts that judge swiftly somethimes - gut instinct is a gift it must be said, so am I fake?
No I am simply human - we choose who we accept in life.
"Women's radiance decreases over the years"... Eh, could it be because we have decades of dealing with men like that absolute CREEP under our belt?
Dating with self harm: The fifth category of men seem to be understanding at first but then very much fetishize your scars.
also that self care element is something I only recognized recently! I knew I got urges when in emotional distress, or when everything was just too much, and that made sense, but I also got urges when feeling down for prolonged times, and the self care angle makes a lot of sense here. When I am no longer able to regularly brush my teeth, self harm may be a last resort for my body to make me care for myself..
@@kajielin4354I empathise with you, sometimes it can feel like there's no other options to take your mind off if it, especially in moments of emotional distress.
Damn, I’ve thankfully not met anyone like that but you make a very good point!
And then there’s also the category of those who get aggressive 🥴 Not just men, in general I have had people who seemed to get genuinely angry at me?? But I went on a date with a guy once and he saw some healing cuts and he wanted to see and when I said no I think he just grabbed my arm … then I went to the bathroom for a moment I think. No more dates after that, thanks to Covid for a good excuse lol
I’m sorry, but what the fluff
I think this guy is actually even more dangerous. Build up your muscles so you can overpower women and fight off any challenges; build up communication skills so you can talk yourself out of any situation; and so on…. I may be older and more bitter but it screamed ‘recruitment’ to me….
Damn. That’s a good point!
This is so dangerous. Just acting as if you could outdiscipline mental illness. You can be as disciplined as it gets, if your mental illness includes extreme fatigue, shutdowns and dissociations you don't stand a chance. Your brain is the one doing the discipline, and if it's sick, there's no "outbraining" the brain.
I wish people would just understand this 🤦🏾♀️
Fighting against your own brain/ mental illness/ neurodivergence is a guaranteed path of self loathing, shame and severe depression :(
It is giving vibes of if you just believed in whichever deity enough (pray it away) then you would be cured
And what if the discipline is the mental illness (restriction, compulsions etc.) what does he think someone should do then?
When my eating disorder was at its worst, I looked “disciplined”. That was the problem I was too rigid. I now weight more than I did before and I’m not in the gym everyday but soooooo many of my mental and medical problems have improved from recovery and having a more balanced lifestyle. Saying discipline is the blanket answer to all mental problems is just false and plays a dangerous game
One guy told me “If you stop seeing yourself as the victim your depression will go away.” 😂 I don’t even know where to start…
Honestly love it when guys show their emotional and social immaturity right out the gate. No wasting my time
My depression became less severe when I finally admitted I'm a victim.
I would love to see this guy wrap his head around that one 😂
he straight-up said "if you're depressed just stop it" 💀
I once had a health teacher who put it this way. "You have a really bad cold and go to see the doctor, you don't feel embarrassed. Therefore, you shouldn't feel embarrassed if you need to see a doctor for your mental health."
Yes exactly. The world have to see mental health issues the same as physical health issues!
In the same vein: A friend was off work for a burnout, his doctor said "you're off for a month and we'll see after that", the friend said "nah, in 2 weeks i'll be fine". To which my boyfriend said "imagine you broke your leg, the doctor said it takes a month minimum to heal and you say fuck it, i'll go back to the marathon in 2 weeks on a still broken leg, do you think that makes sense?"
I think he’s right about the three things I want in life as a man. I’m disabled physically so I do want a body that functions well; as a therapist I do want money to not be stressed about bills and so I can open up my own therapy practice; and as a gay man I do want lots of women in my life as friends that we can mutually bring each other support and joy!
If only he defined them in a similar way.
Wow. That thing about "the character you've been playing" is doubly creepy. One, it's telling someone: "You're not a real person anyway!" That's not helpful, especially at a time like that. Two, it's a giveaway that he doesn't see anyone as a real person, _including himself._ He's been playing a character his whole life to manipulate the world and he doesn't see a problem in admitting it. Yikes.
I appreciate how passionate, clear, and fleshed-out Rachel's videos are, particularly when the subject material is so distressing. I'm so glad she's able to put such important videos out.
Thank you so much!!
When i was self-harming in my early twenties, it very much was because i hated myself and thought i needed punishment. Every time i would swear never to do it again and make a bunch of plans to be the most productive, healthiest person ever-and when i missed those goals i hated myself more and was more tempted to cut.
I didn’t need to grit my teeth and get up early; i needed medication and therapy and to realize that most of the things i was punishing myself for were actually abuse i was too naive and vulnerable to escape, not sins or failures of mine.
This “advice” that boils down to “have you tried NOT being mentally ill?” is incredibly banal and insulting, while also as Rachel said being dangerous.
25:51 I once got a death threat by text for being a fat b**** while I was running on the treadmill. I’ve been told twice in as many years to kill myself for being a fata** while having eating disorders. The gym lecture will never be enough for toxic people.
cruelty.
I hope those happenings don't affect you any longer.
If they do, it's fine, I still let some of the past bother me. Some wounds turn to permanent scars.
It's sadly, part of being human.
"No man who is adored by women isn't creepy sometimes." Counter argument: Keanu Reeves.
Danny Devito!
@@introusastbf he might not be the best example because most of the characters he plays are sleazy assholes
cillian murphy
Pedro Pascal‼️🗣️
"Don't be depressed, it could be so much worse"
I wonder why this hasn't ever helped me. Maybe I'm just awful and dumb. Idk.
I feel this
“Oh great, now I’m thinking about worse things. Somehow I’m still depressed.”
@@warlordofbritanniaExactly, just makes you more depressed thinking about all the terrible things and trying not to kill yourself because of the immense guilt of feeling like that when you are in fact fed, have a roof over your head and a job.
Dude really told other men to "smize".
Every time I hear these dudes' advice, it reminds me of the time I had this routine pulled on me while I was walking the dog alone and it was so weird and off-putting that I legitimately thought the guy was casing the neighborhood. And what's wild is: that guy was not unattractive! If I'd been on OKC or something, I probably would have clicked on his profile, but he blew it by being a Grade A creep!
Also, that Don't Kill Yourself pep talk sounded like the random conversations I have with my mom when I'm just riffing. Like: "My apartment is pretty small but at least I wasn't born as a the earwig I vacuumed up the other day..." Real enlightening, thanks.
I once accidentally inhaled an earwig.
You know those little spaces between the nearly-square section of the body of an inhaler and the circular section of the bottle of stuff that goes in it?
You know how, to use an inhaler, you suck in the biggest breath you can through those spaces while slowly squeezing the bottle down to add some mist to that air?
Well, there was an earwig in one of those spaces. That did not go well for the earwig.
Damn justice for earwigs 😭
@@proud.delusion.enjoyer I know, I felt bad about it.
All these pick-up artists live in this weird little fantasy world where everyone is heterosexual, it's kinda wild
love how this guy meets one woman with a history of self-injury and he then makes a video acting like he is an authority on it. truly the audacity of man.
I also am an adult that currently deals with self-injury and it really is frustrating how the majority of discourse on it focuses on teens and people rarely considers adults who currently injure themselves. Its also funny to me how he think that people seemingly cant both experience self-injury and also be productive??? (like your experience you mentioned.) its just so simplistic.
Also harm reduction is very much a valid way to approach self-injury that is underutilized IMO. "Just stop and replace with exercise" or whatever isn't achievable for a lot of people, and its dangerous to shame people who can't manage to abstain like how most people expect people who self-injure to manage it. but harm-reduction requires a degree of nuance and autonomy that people like Jay can't wrap their heads around.
Rachel if you happen to see this, thanks for helping me understand I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting children and finally gain the courage to ask for a refferal to an autism specialist. I'm 24 in the year or so I've been watching your videos you've said so many things that really made me think or even inspired me to research things on my own. Thanks for all the great video essays and getting me thinking in a good way.
Autistic female here too, I also don't want kids :) With a wonderful autistic man who got a vasectomy before we met so I know he won't change his mind!
I'm also autistic and around the same age when I realized that I don't actually want any children. I had been convinced by the society around me that having kids is THE thing to do and had bought into it. Took meeting my future husband and talking about kids that made me realize that in reality, I wasn't very fond of the thought of having kids. Neither the pregnancy itself nor raising the kids. Sadly took me a couple of years more to realize I shouldn't feel guilty about it. Of course, one shouldn't feel guilty about it, but... If society says that's a thing you should do...
Anyhow, I'm now 40+ and still very happy about the decision and not feeling even once ounce of guilt about it.
Dear Rachel, as a fellow autistic woman (very late diagnosis) who has also self harmed into adulthood, I am so thankful for your openness about your struggles. I love your videos anyway but this was sth I wanted to comment on. We need to talk more about self harm in adults. We need to stop the endless shame about this topic and sign post where to find help, explain the multiple complex reasons for it and give others who suffer ways to express themselves and show them that there are not alone.
❤
They way my jaw dropped when u said the guy who wrote “the subtle art of not giving a f” wrote a book as misogynistic as roosh… holy hell i know so many family members who own his popular books wth ??? So invested in this video already
he kept talking up audiobooks so much I was fully expecting an audible sponsorship to pop up at the end of his videos lol
These men made me nauseous, but it was good to listen while im working with disgusting food in shit kitchen. It fits!
Oh and the book sounds amazing!!!
It's also morbidly fascinating when you're someone with scars that aren't self-harm scars, and honestly don't even look "clean" enough to be considered as such, in my opinion, but the guys who think you're easy prey, or have that saviour complex to them, start armchair diagnosing you.
Love seeing their faces fall when I tell them I got the scars from being a careless kid who fell down a lot, AND I'm a psychologist, and proceed to point out everything they did and assumed wrong.
Most don't stay around long enough to hear the whole list.
Then again, maybe more people than I think don't know what self-harm scars look like, because an.ex thought my stretch marks we're self-harm scars...
Good grief… I can’t imagine feeling *disappointed* when I find out someone’s scars aren’t from self-harm. What a sick mentality some of these guys have.
My partner deals with self harm, and it's really hard to find help as an adult! We're in our 30s and it seems like after 18 services targeted towards it (and other things like eating disorders) disappear.
Like you, he's looking to get some tattoos as motivation. The past couple years he's seen a ton of improvement too. Self harm seems a lot like substance use. It's often an urge and a fear, lapses can happen, for many people it can be lifelong, but also functional recovery is possible at any age.
Thank you for drawing attention too. It's your own personal health information and none of us are owed it, even if you've shared in the past. It means a lot to see other adults dealing with it and talking about it.
Hi,
I just wanted to respond to what you said about SH being a lot like substance abuse, because that is also my experience. I think of myself as a recovering self-harmer, in the same way as someone would be a recovering alcoholic - I still get the urge to self-harm, but I try not to act on it. I haven't actively self-harmed for several years now (since before Covid - I'm not exactly sure how long) and it is 'easier' in that I now don't want to as often, but when I do want to it can still be as difficult not to as it always has been. The main thing is that it's not an automatic process now. It took a long time to get to this point (I'm in my 40s) and I expect to be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Maybe (probably) I'll fall off this wagon again, but I have learnt that beating yourself up for failing makes it much, much harder not to fail next time.
(I have heard that the other way that SH is like substance abuse is because the brain chemicals that are released when you are injured can give you a rush that is addictive, but I would need to do some more research to tell you that's 100% true.)
WRT tattoos, I didn't get them to cover up scars, so I was surprised by how much tattoo aftercare gave me an opportunity to express self-care that I had only associated with SH before I got ink.
I just want to say, from a SH-addict, thank you so much for all the trigger warnings / censors / timestamps etc that you provide when this topic is being covered. I wouldn't say I'm in recovery, but I'm 'abstaining' for lack of a better word. And I recently accidentally wounded myself (not deliberate at all) but it's brought back all the urges and feels to do it. I'm right now in a very vulnerable state regarding SH so I appreciate SO much you recognising not everyone is in the mental state to hear about that topic
THANK YOU for speaking about self-harm in adults and correcting misinformation. I used to self-harm in my pre-teens, teenage years, and adolescence and now it's about 10 years since I stopped cutting which I'm extremely proud of because it was NOT easy to quit. I now have several tattoos covering most of my scars so people don't usually recognize them (they just see a tattooed woman lol), but still, it was a huge part of me coping with childhood and even young adult trauma. However, I still get furious when people misunderstand self-injury and self-harming behavior and they don't even make the effort to understand.
That's amazing! I'm so proud of you! Stopping SH is such a hard thing to do. I made it for a year and recently relapsed. But I'll just keep on fighting, hoping that one day I'll be able to stop for good.
IM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!🙏🫶
@@ryguy56 Thank you 🙏🏽
The “just go to the gym” is so stupid. When my mental health was at its worst, including self-harm and being suicidal, I also trained martial arts five to six times a week. I was on my country’s national team and won a bunch of trophies at national tournaments and traveling to international ones. I went to weekend seminars with Japanese grandmasters all over the country whenever I could. And yep, I also went to the gym and went jogging in addition to training at the dojo. I don’t think I could’ve worked out much more before it would’ve been harmful. And yet I still hurt myself and wanted to die. Weird, huh?
If someone stopped me while we were alone and tried to kiss me, the urge to run away would be immeasurable. He would not want to be between me and the door once the fight or flight response kicks in, let alone hope for anything "spicy" happening. It's just so disgusting to even think about.
...oh my goodness. I am so, so grateful for you articulating how self-injury can be a form of self-care, in a way. I've been struggling for so, so long myself to make sense of that and put it into words, but you *nailed* it, and so simply and eloquently. Thank you so much, Rachel. ♥
rachel !! you’ve been looking so radiant ur last few uploads! idk i just wanted to tell you you’re glowing ♡
Wait, you are telling me I could have avoided a couple hospital stays & years of therapy by just listening to a couple audio books? Who knew!? 🤦🏽♀️
Some people just don't understand that "exercise can help with mental health" doesn't equate to "your depression will disappear if you exercise in this precise way I like to exercise."
I literally exercise to outrun my mental issues in one of the most challenging year in my life, so… 😭 It totally can be unhealthy.
@@MagisterialVoyager turn out brains are complicated! I hope you’re doing better now, but my condolences either way.
@@damejanea.macdonald2371 I can never outrun things like my childhood physical abuse - now I know. I'm in a more stable, healthier mental headspace now where I aim for more balance insteas of just a plain "let's run for 10 km so I can be tired enough to fall asleep today". Thank you so much for your well wishes.
@@MagisterialVoyager I'm so happy to hear that you're in a better headspace, at least. Understanding yourself is a powerful thing.
@@damejanea.macdonald2371 Thank you. Yes, it's one of the if not the healthiest thing we can for ourselves; understanding us well.
I don't think you'll see this but I want to say thank you for being so honest and normalizing talking about SH. it's something I've struggled with and many of my friends have as well (it's unfortunately extremely common among queer and neurodivergent people) and I think it's so misunderstood. The wide variety of reasons people do it, how complex it is to stop, how it functions often as a genuine addiction. I wish it was discussed more in healthy and safe ways.
One specific thing I think is so ignored is the variety of what can be SH. I didn't believe what I do was a problem for years because it doesn't leave scars or marks that last for more than a few hours/few days. Yet it still functions the same way and gives me a sense of control over my emotions. I'm trying to stop now but it's so hard, but I'm so proud of you and everyone else who is succeeding, even a dramatic reduction in frequency is so impressive.
You’ve got this and you’re being so incredibly brave! Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️
Your second point is so true and needs to be talked about more, I used to be like 'it's okay it probably doesn't really count it doesn't last'. Yeah maybe the physical damage didn't but what did last was my willingness to harm myself the moment things went wrong.
Actually, on the topic of your first point as well, the reasons people do it also aren't discussed enough! For me a lot of it was trying to have a way to visualise the mental struggles I was going through so that they would feel real, and also I wanted to see it heal because it felt like I was doing something to take care of myself. (Let it be said that self-care is not creating _more_ problems just so you can fix them... edit I just saw you talking about that in your video and I'm really glad other people are talking about this) And finally we have reasons that people don't like to talk about even within the topic of mental health. I would SH to try and distract from my hallucinations, or because I thought 'they' wanted me to. (There really needs to be more conversation about how even when talking about mental health people won't talk about specific types of mental issues because there's stigma even within these discussions. There seem to be only specific types of mental illness that are acceptable to have and even then only if they present in specific ways, I've been affected by this idea despite not being diagnosed with anything. In fact it is the reason I don't have a diagnosis and am currently not receiving help, because how am I meant to talk about it?)
(Sorry for the whole book and everything my comments end up being longer than intended way too often)
Thanks for letting me know about Marc Manson. I feel both embarassed and ashamed for being excited for The Subtle Art.
I get the sense that these type of "self help gurus" really think they're being helpful, which makes it all the more troubling 😕
I'm glad you are doing these videos to call out these self proclaimed "pick up artists'" crap. I find it disgusting and harmful that they think it's great advice to not value women and men who are vulnerable. It's scary and sad. I just hope to god no one falls for their crap but sadly some people are
As a former self harmer who has never spoken professionally about my near 20 years long experience with self harm whilst trying to cope with CPTSD and BPD I found your frank and moving explanation of how you coped and at times I was so still I caught myself feeling so emotional as you talked in such a striking and eloquent way. Proud of you Rachel, I always consume your videos when i want to learn something new about an interesting topic I especially love your own sub genre of Fundies and i love getting glimpses of my favourite snuffle queen Kyra,speaking of which; when I hear the adoring way you talk to hear, I’m genuinely happy to hear from a fellow furbaby mum. Kids? Pah!! We got paws. 🐾 ❤
One of my best friends has self harmed since we were teens, thank you for talking about it in adults. People often don’t acknowledge adults struggle with it too
Do they imagine themselves as male protagonists in romance films or something? Well, it's about time they stop imagining women as being actors playing characters, because this is real life, and we're just normal human beings.
This guy failed to learn that one obvious fact after allegedly having approached 3000 women...pathetic.
Kissing someone without consent is sexual assault. Spanking, pulling hair, choking someone without consent is a VIOLENT form of sexual assault.
💔💔💔
CW for mention of SA:
I got chatted up by an American pick up artist on the bus when I was living in Seoul over a decade ago. I recognised him straight away as I’d recently seen him bomb at a stand up comedy open mic (where he bragged about his “career”, compared himself to Will Smith’s character in Hitch, and seemed to forget to include any jokes), and I had to try so hard not to laugh when he approached me and introduced himself. I said straight up “I saw you at the comedy open mic. You’re the pick-up artist guy, right?” He looked so flustered and embarrassed. I threw him right off his game and it was a lot more hilarious than his standup routine.
He gave me his business card, and it actually said “Pick Up Artist” on it 🤦♀️ His business was called ‘Pick Up Asia’. He was basically a “passport bro” before passport bros. I remember looking him up, and he had an article on Return of Kings with his “top tips for hooking up with Asian women”. One was “get her so drunk that she’ll basically let you do anything”.
As someone who is suicidal: I am genuinely sorry to hear about your trauma, Rachel. I hope you have adequate help now, and for what it's worth: I am grateful you're here to educate us.
What the heck did I watch “k your mental self not your physical self” NEWSFLASH they are both linked. That was such harmful, disgusting advice. People who are suffering cannot simply just think their way out of it. 😢 I truly hope no one ever takes his awful advice.
It's really cute how your doggo looks at you smiling - she's in love
'Replace cutting with working out' is essentially 'replace cutting with an eating disorder', so, replace with one kind of self injury with another. Like, it would be really easy for an excersise replacement to spiral into an eating disorder, for hunger to give you the same feelings that cutting does. It's such a dangerous suggestion.
It doesn't even have to be an ED. So many gym bros talk about going to the gym in ways that just scream that they're using the exercise to self-harm.
I said this to my partner before I scrolled down into the comments.
Well said 👏🏼
Rachel I just want to say I’ve been watching you for years and I really admire your strength and intelligence. You’ve been through so much, yet you continue to persevere and grow, and you speak about these topics with empathy and kindness. Your work isn’t going unnoticed ❤
Thank you so so so much ❤️
I'm an adult woman who's been dealing with depression literally for as long as I can really remember. (Probably also autism, but I haven't been diagnosed yet.)
I had this one male housemate in undergrad, and we were chatting about depression one afternoon. He admitted he had dealt with it, but he said he realized one day how selfish it was, and that was that. Like, all he had to do was say to himself, "This is a selfish activity," and he was cured for life. I don't know how I responded, but I distinctly remember thinking, "Yeah...yeah, you know what? F*ck you."
He later turned out to be far weirder than I ever imagined-along the lines of, he talked a good game, but it was clear he'd never actually been with a woman. He also made very strange comments about my relationship with my boyfriend at the time, who (looking back) was a decent guy, just a bit immature.
I was similar to your roommate when it came to alcohol. I was absolutely abusing the fuck out of it in high school and came to my college classes drunk more than once. But then one day I was like "hmm this actually isn't helping anything I should stop" and then just.... Did? I don't drink much now because I realized it did a number on my emotions for like three days after but I can casually drink now and be just fine.
But I would never just tell people with actual alcohol addiction that they can just do the same thing I did. I really don't know how it happened and I'm thankful that it did but I'm also aware that it is wildly out of the norm. I think that's what a lot of people who talk about depression don't understand. I think most of them have only ever dealt with situational depression and don't understand major or persistent depressive disorder and don't understand that even though they all have "depression" in the name the cure for them are not gonna be the same.
Excellent video. I respect your sacrifice in watching and reading that tripe. Thanks Rachel!
24:20 i completely understand. I think this self care aspect is why getting tattoos is an effective coping tool for self harm.
"see if she passes the vibe check" I hope I fail ALL of his vibe checks so he leaves me alone lol
😂👆
Some advice for Rachel or anyone suffering with cutting. There is this pen. It has mint so it stings a little, but it doesn't actually harm you, it helped my friend a lot with their self-harm, it doesn't leave a mark, and if you do it because you like to see blood you can get one with red ink. If you can't afford it then you can get some mint oil and dab it where you want to cut. It helped me, not sure if it will help others, but I hope it helps someone
Isn't this still self harming ? Idk if it's helpful for you if you still cause harm to yourself. I pinch my skin nowdays to not leave scars too. That way people that are close to me don't worry. It's probably not healthy for me tho
@@eatplastic9133 The difference is mint doesn't actually harm you. It's not perfect, but it doesn't damage you. Not a perfect alternative but it is better than cutting
Imagine trying to attract a woman by showing her your genuine personality while trying to get to know her and learn what her interests are. That would be crazy, right? Women clearly don't want to be treated like human beings, right? That would be crazy!
Love your videos, Rachel! Your points are always very well researched and eloquently said. You look smashing today, as well!
"You will always overthink, act before your thoughts rot your mind"
Loads of people definitely underthink. Many could benefit from thinking MORE.
"Smile through your eyes and don't be the first to look away".
Tyra Banks also taught us to smile with our eyes (it's called smizing, you uncultured swine), but that is for posing in pictures. Genuine joy SHOWS in the eyes.
Sounds to me like what he means to say is "don't let them see you are faking positive feelings". It feels very "day one of acting class", and damn how I hate that finding love/sex has become this crap.
Oh how lovely to meet someone who is good at FAKING they ENJOY MY COMPANY. And yeah, never admit when you actually DO (because compliments are validation and me having that would be THE WORST).
Imagine if I knew you think I'm a fun to be around, charming, insightful? SUCH A TURNOFF!
For real, some men are like "never give a woman validation" and "would you rather talk to a tree or a woman" at the same time and like, guysssss?
3 a day is absolutely wild.
Bahahaha the #10. This guy did NOT follow #9 "don't be an annoying cringey dickhead".
Dude if I wanted to game over in real life and someone trying to "help me" not do it, they said "be grateful that you're human", I would game over right after that
So excited for the book Rachel is making, it sounds really cool. This is my favourite TH-cam channel because of her personality and the way she explains things, how she values art, helping people, and hopefully making the world a better place. I find Rachel very relatable and easy to agree with, despite living a very different life from her. These videos are thoughtful yet easy listening whenever I’m doing laundry, working on an art project, on a bike ride (etc). I love passion projects and I’m sure I’ll get a lot out of reading the book when it comes out!
Rachel I love listening to your videos while doing chores. Your voice is so calming, you are well-spoken and the strength and perseverance that shines through the stories of your personal life is admirable. That's all. I hope you have a wonderful day ❤ lots of love to Kyra
Edit: I love your sarcastic humor it always cracks me up 😂
Rocking the hair! Vibes are vibing!
Loving the hair, you look great!!
This one really hit home for me Rachel. I have a problem with self harm in both verbal and physical forms (the verbal punishment is a real kicker because it has alienated me from others all my life…). The way you described it really clicked with me in a way that I feel nobody ever understands… I look up to you so much, and seeing how you’ve been making good progress, in addition to your way of just putting the feeling to words (like the brain fog where it feels like you don’t choose), brings me such hope. I’ve been in a bad cycle, and this gave me the courage to start seeking more help again. Thank you so much for all you do!
Aaaah, editing a video, having a cup of coffee, and listening Rachel dumping on silly men. Best way to spend a Saturday 🥰
I haven't watched the video yet, just started it, but wanted to say that I'm really excited for this one, and you're looking extra stunning!!
As someone who used to self harm for years as a child/teenager in my personal experience as you work on healing and stopping yourself from indulging in those destructive habits eventually the urges will go away, and you’ll even be able to see triggering content that no longer triggers you to do it but rather triggers empathy in you and possibly inspires you to help others with your experience. I can even use and keep tools for art in my home now that I used to use for self harm and not get any urges to use those tools for anything other than what they are intended to be used for. It’s cheesy but time heals all and everything does get better 💖
I'm autistic and have adhd. I was feeling pretty poorly in 2022 due to stress related to so many thing happening. I was thinking about the good old "focus on the positives" but then I got into that toxic positivity mindset pretty quickly earlier yesterday. That idea that people who are experiencing success might hide their feelings or bottle them because they can't be sad. Because they're doing so well there's no way they're struggling. Or the whole "I'm not doing as bad as some African kid without shoes so I shouldn't complain." this happens way to often. Sure when you're doing poorly you learn to value the things you have inevitably. I remember during covid I was grateful for things I knew many people didn't have and I wasn't doing as bad. I have a decently sized balcony, I had coffee at home everyday, I live in an area that is more residential so I was able to walk around here without getting in too much trouble. I wasn't doing so bad not compared to others but looking inside myself. Mental health is so much harder than writing affirmations. It messes with you really badly. I remember feeling like an idiot because I was aware of my struggles, yet I didn't act upon them. I knew why I was failing. I knew it was my newly diagnosed adhd. But having had the same mentality for 20+ years meant that I couldn't just act upon it. It's not as easy as "If you struggle doing things just do them" I wish it was that easy. I know because I get dopamine boosts from doing things I love. But because I feel a certain way, I can hardly ever set my mind to do those things. I love doing graphics design work. But I was never able to sit there and complete the work I had to do for my university exams. I love cycling. Yet I was never able to fully set my mind to actually go because it feels like such a big task. Regardless of the fact I love riding my bike a lot. At the same time I knew that what was happening with my body (the pretty bad chronic gastritis outburst I had that year) was outside of my control. But somehow I still felt guilty that I was doing something wrong. I genuinely hope that my perspective and experience will help someone see things for how they are compared to the gramourized versions we see online or in movies.
I saw this video where a guy saw a woman he was interested in eating with her friends and the first thing he did when he approached her was ask if he could have a minute of her time. I thought it was really sweet that he 1 approached her in a public place where she wasn't alone and 2 made sure the interaction was consensual.
When you opened up about how self harm was a form of self care, I teared up a bit. I’ve never heard anyone put it into words like you did, I feel so understood and less alone, thank you💜
This video was legitimately so healing for me. Thank you for all your well-researched videos.
I love how you worded that video title. Often titles of vids like this say "... need(s) to be stopped", but you worded it like it should be, _they_ need to stop. Of their own accord. They need to take responsibility and realize how toxic and harmful their own thoughts and words are.
i know im days late to this, but the self harm discussion is really important to me. i speak openly about being an addict, my substance of choice was alcohol - i didn't try other substances except weed, and im glad i never did. many people think that me being an alcoholic (about 5 and a half years sober as well) means i can't call myself an addict. my *first* addiction was various forms of physical self harm, eventually cutting. addiction is not limited to substance, but is heavily characterized by taking over parts of our lives in unmanageable ways, or leading us to continuous harm that doesn't change what's stressing us. the way you speak about not making a choice to do it so much as dissociating and havign reality come back after reminds me of the way i hear people in the rooms of narcotics anonymous talk about using against their will. despite my better knowledge, it's the fix i knew. it was the release, it was the quickest coping method i had to change how i felt mentally and physically. there is a genuine addiction element to self harm for SO many people!!!
It’s OK Rachel. It’s OK don’t worry about it. I wanted to see this.
I hate gym bros who think the gym is the solution to all your problems.
Exercise and moving your body helps yes but its like saying tea with honey will cure your strep throat, it'll help elleviate some symptoms but it wont cure you, you need a doctor. And thats any form of exercise because the gym is not a safe/ comfottable space for everyone.
I haven't self-harmed in years. I went to the hospital for it as a teen, and ever since, I have been terrified of that happening again. I've had some urges to do it again at points, but I haven't since then. I've been able to listen to and watch things about self-harm after that, but for some reason, I couldn't listen to that section of the video today. I'm not really sure why, but I kept cringing and it kept bringing up visceral memories. I haven't felt that kind of thing in a long time. Thank you for having the warnings Rachel, and also having chapters so that I could easily skip right when I knew it was to much for me. You're such a help and light on TH-cam, talking about important topics, being real, and being supportive of all people.
I usually don't comment as I am more of a passive viewer but congratulations on your progress! Also that design looks amazing!
What helped me will sound quite cliché, I would curb the urges by drawing over my old scars with a sharpie and try to come up with a cover up. I want to get my cat tattooed as I always used her as a cover (on hindsight that was such an obviously bad cover since sh looks too organized for a cat's work and my cat was the sweetest angel)
I hate how he “gives advice” to teenage boys and young men. We are so impressionnable when we’re young and its so easy for an insecure guy to hear what he says and believe that it’s the truth, that girls like “real men” that act like this and that. My worst experiences have been as a teenager with another guy who fits in his definition of “a real men” and its shit. Because in this definition, theres no consent and you feel just like an object serving its use.
Bro really said “have you tried just being mentally healthy?” and thought he solved self-harm
I've watched a whole video with my mouth dropped
I love your hair Rachel! Great video. Thank yoi
24:00 thanks for talking about this. In training to volunteer in crisis counseling, one of the things I learned was to ask about this kind of self-care. We are there to listen to their experiences and we often ask what kind of self-care they can practice to make what they feel the need to do be safer. People often feel shamed for doing that. I certainly did as a teenager and none of my friends are aware of my adult history with it.
I tried to substitute self harming with sport and I just found out how to self harm with exercises, whitch was a lot worse, because I've damaged my body a lot more that way. The marks on my skin don't hurt at all now, but my herniated disks and all the other trauma are debilitating at times...
The closest thing I have to a pick up line would be, "So, do you like Star Wars are comic books?"
I can’t tell if that’s better or worse than talking about PAC-MAN or Sonic the Hedgehog as an icebreaker (I’m kidding, I would totally talk about movies or games XD )
What about _Star Wars_ comic books?
@@Sableagle Then you just come right out with the marriage proposal, so long as we are talking original marvel adaptation.
@@Montie-Adkins Nah. _Star Wars_ is at most a week-long overseas trip together. _Strangers in Paradise_ is a proposal.
@Sableagle Remember kings and queens, find yourself a partner who knows who the sith lord Exar Kun is.
A new book??? Aaaah how exciting!
Love the shorter hair, really suits you. And I love how Kyra looks at you with so much love.
"be thankful you're a human."
You mean be thankful that I'm a species that's self aware to be depressed? Being human is why I'm feeling this way in the first place.
He has no idea what he's talking about.
What does killing yourself in the mental capacity even mean? Spend the rest of your life pretending to be someone else? That's not going to help anyone.
It took me years to realise that self 'harm' was actually a reward for me. It had nothing to do with self hatred. somewhat recently the DSM even acknowledges this by including non-suicidal self harm as a sensory seeking behaviour particularly in autistic people (like me). There are also plenty of societally acceptable ways to feel pain (like going too hard at the gym, violent sports). So i did deal with a lot of people judging my scars and just making assumptions. I do feel shame for my scars and try my best to hide them. I also acknowledge that many people do self harm because they are hurting, and it is not my place to judge others or guess the reason why anyone else has scars.
I cannot believe this man actually suggested that waking up at 2am to write emails would fix your mental health. He's just....there are so little words.
I also think sometimes these kind of smaller channels who try to advertise themselves on reddit threads etc on similar topic are more harmful bcs the kind of parasocial relationship a vulnerable person can build with a relatively smaller creator will make them feel even more special..
Happy for the progress you're making ❤
So glad I never read that “subtle art of not giving a fűck” book. I guess it’s a best seller because Amazon pushes it in every single “for you” section for years on end.
Super off-topic, but wow, didn't know you had autism! I've been doubting whether or not I fit the criteria (mostly unlearning all the harmful stereotypes about autism I've grown up around) and seeing such a confident, bright, well-spoken independent woman also being in the spectrum has opened my eyes girl
Gonna take the steps into getting my diagnosis soon hopefully 💪💪
Thanks! ❤❤
"IF" you can pull it off?? Of course you can, you're Rachel fucking Oates!! Can't wait to see it! 👏👏💕
I can't wait to hear more about your book, Rachel! So exciting. I will be sure to read it.
Completely agree with what you said about SH Rachel. It’s never a choice, it’s more of a dissociative act that is made in a moment of distress and once it’s done there always regret . I could also describe it as not my own thoughts, a voice in my head telling me that’s what we need to do. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to break.
Congrats on your few months free of SH ❤
I'm not sure he actually *does* think it's worth £50 a month, but he *does* know that his own income stream from all this depends on him promoting that kind of crap and attracting the sort of person who falls for that kind of crap. See also: flat-earthers, crypto scammers, Amazon refund scammers, televangelists, ...
So...grifters. brilliant
I'm excited for your new poetry book, I recently purchased your reflection on healing poems book after hearing your poem Puppet Master on this channel. It has inspired me and helped diminish my inferiority complex when it came to writing poetry and now I'm working on a few books to publish myself with full confidence, so thank you so much for that .
Thank you and good luck with your own book!!
Ain’t no way this guy approached 3000 girls, but maybe he did and got rejected 3000 times 😂
Edit: I didn’t know you were autistic, Rachel. I’m impressed how well you speak. I’m an autistic guy and can still struggle with that.
He definitely got rejected 3000 times and all 3000 women told him to "get the hell away from me, you creep"
@@mikalcarruthers I'm wondering whether any of them threatened him with galvanised square steel and an expanding bolt they borrowed from their aunt.
@@Sableagle I wouldn't blame them. He gives me predator and incel vibes
Women can tell when you’re approaching every woman you encounter, at least I can. Men who are players stick out like a sore thumb. All that enters my mind are cheating & STDs! 😂
this is such a backhanded compliment
Thank you for opening up about how you are still recovering. Really made me feel seen and valid
It really feels to me like this guy made up the story about talking to a woman with scars from self-harming because he liked the “cute” little narrative he created around it. It seems unlikely that a woman would have just told this creeper all about her self-hatred during a brief, surface-level interaction where he (a stranger) is approaching her. It seems disingenuous to me…and his simplistic conclusions are so one-dimensional, but he seems to think he’s sharing some kind of deep wisdom. These guys are a dime a dozen online.
I thought this too. It just shows how delusional this guy is, he has no idea what human beings are actually like and he just cooks up lousy stories in his head and projects them onto people, self-assured that he nailed it. That interaction 100% never happened.
I have strained my eyes from how many times I rolled them while watching this.
Your tattoo is so gorgeous! It's great to see that you are doing better :)