@@durgaambika4342 I know how you feel when you talk about not having an identity! I felt that for a loooong looong time but I made out of it! Always be true to yourself, go after things that excite you and make you feel alive! There is you identity!!! Be yourself! It's in your guts!! Just don't be afraid to be who you really are and once you do that you won't ever regret because it feels awesome to know who you truly are! I know your life feels empty now but you have the power to fulfill it! You just gotta take actions or else nothing will change! Find a job, talk to new people, go after groups of people who you can identify with and feel connected, buy clothes you find cool! Do hobies that you love! Build yourself and inspire yourself with people that you look up to! You'll definitely find your way! You got this!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I just feel relieved that there are so many people who can relate and I am not the only one. These kind of parents make you feel like you are the bad guy if you confront. There's just no escape , they damage you from the inside !!!!
So very true! I had a major lack of people skills, confidence, and identity as a result of an overbearing guardian. Never could I confront her about things she has done wrong. To this day, she believes she gave me a wonderful life and that I should be eternally grateful for it. Couldn't be farther from the truth, though.
Omg!! I’m on my way to move out. I’m hopping next month!!! Because I really can not. She’s somehow convinced me into staying with her again for 2 ducking years. I can’t
As an only child I've been constantly corrected and critiqued about everything from my phone habits to my shy personality by my parents and though I love them, I've realized how much happier I am at college, away from them
Yes! Ultimately it's incredibly hard to grow in environments that make you feel trapped. I completely understand that there might be a tinge of guilt when realizing you prefer living away from your parents, but your improved mental health and happiness can and will improve your relationship with your parents. It's a ton easier to love and appreciate someone when they're not directly imposing their beliefs and authority on us.
I can relate whole heartedly.. I myself am an only child and after college I got myself an apartment just so I can be away from home and currently I'm unemployed but I'm trying and my mother uses this tactic as I have to be dependant on her.. every job I try to obtain regardless of what it is she shoots it down and makes me feel bad for taking it.. like it's so bad that I'm scared to try to move forward.. I'm afraid of her and what she'll do.. right now she's trying to get me out of my apartment and tells me that I have to move back home.. she blames my friend for everything that goes on and says she encourages me in things.. I'm honestly at my wits end that I feel like taking my own life sometimes... because it's really hard
@@kashiajones1396 dear kashia i've gone through a different but similarly trying period in my own life, long ago. i know it's very hard now, but i know from experience that if u can weather it u'll grow from it and become happier and more independent. u may also become more lonely, but considering what u're dealing with now, and what i had to deal with in the past, loneliness can be kind of positive, peaceful, an environment conducive to personal growth. i wish u the best and thank u for sharing such heartfelt and vulnerable thoughts. i hope u will remain in this world because it can use more thoughtful and sensitive people like yourself.
@@lyrastrseed3343 My mom admitted or should I say realized a few times that she was too strict with me when I was a child. But that bitch never apologized for the trauma she put me through.
@@mizzphitzbeta Its up to you to break the cycle,if you dont potentially your kids are gonna suffer ( if you decide to have kids ) dont bother with her anymore
'parents like these i feel in some way sabotage their children purposely' i got this vibe from both my parents, one especially. it certainly is awful to perceive and have to deal with... but if u can, i think u'll become better and happier.
What’s funny is that my parents were so overprotective and controlling of me growing up that as I got older I began to develop those same anxious and insecure tendencies you mentioned only my parents (mostly my mom) didn’t understand where they came from and why I was like that.. LOL. Just the other day I made the big mistake of confiding in her that I was feeling like my depression was coming back. I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it and it just sort of came up. She started crying and instead of comforting me, she began to cry and then said “I don’t understand, we did everything right. My plan wasn’t for you to still be living at home. I thought you would get your own place by now and be an adult already.” BUT…when I tried to move out previously they just kept telling me how scary it is to live alone, how expensive it is, how they didn’t think I could manage myself etc. 🙄🙄🙄 I can’t tell if she’s really that clueless and lacks self awareness or if she’s got some sort of personality disorder. I HATE that she thinks I’m the failure when this is what she raised!!!
First of all, you r not a failure just bc she thinks so. She thinks other things thst are not true. The truth is nobody is a failure. Have u tried telling her she was not encouraging when u tried to move out???
Of course it's going to affect you as an adult because that's childhood trauma but you can improve. It's not going to happen overnight but eventually you can start to undo a lot of the harm and learn the skills that you never got to learn 😊
I feel like I've grown to be afraid of everything, enjoying life, having friends, having experiences, just living life. Because I was taught that only bad children choose friends over family ( and everyone knows if you say no enough times, all your friends leave you and stop asking to hang out, and then you are told that they were just bad friends), only bad children indulge in sensory pleasure things (shopping, decorating your space, dressing up, eating what you want), only bad children live in the now without thinking of the consequences (so basically, you don't live at all, because what chocie doesn't have any bad consequences)...so i ended up becoming a hermit, an ascetic, always just existing, afraid of living. And I only now realised that maybe the problem isn't me. Maybe I'm not weird or broken or a hermit by nature, but maybe it was just someone I had to become, in order to to be loved and accepted and respected by my parents. And I guess now, to be loved and accepted and respected by my own self, and to truly love life, I need to shed this, and step out of this state of mind. But how lol. How do I fix myself is the burning question
OMFG!!!! YOU JUST DESCRIBED MOST OF MY LIFE. so fucking glad i started to heal and evolve out of that. so disgusting and disturbing what parents do to their children sometimes.
My mom literally doesn’t care about boundaries, growing up I never realized how bad it was. It’s crazy because now that I’m older and I’m starting to realize that it just hurts. I don’t know, it feels disrespectful? Like consistently having your boundaries crossed?
I’m 27 now. Almost 30, i do not feel like going into detail about anything but my mom will openly say that she does not care if she’s over protective, “at least she knows where her children are.” In her mind as long as i wasn’t out in these streets, her over protective parenting style was considered ok. I’ve suffered a lot.
"I'm just being a mother." "Every mother does that (point to the most disfuncional examples possible)". Nobody say to them that's a problem so they don't ever seek help and they're children words don't count.
The thumbnail cooks. They asked me why am I acting like I am numb? Well I indeed am. Who was it that scold little child for being sad? For being angry? For being dissapointed? Even for being too happy? Now that I dont have any emotions left, they ask me to show something. I hope Jesus heals us.
I’m 37 and my mother is still very overbearing. I left home when I was 19 and moved abroad. Only by moving away I realised that I was brought up in very unhealthy household. Now the less my mother knows the better for my mental health. It took me a very long time to start a family because I feared that I will end up a bad parent just like mine were. But the more I became aware that I’m my own person and that I do not have to make the same mistakes my parents did, only then I started to heal and now my husband and I are expecting our first child due in just 12 weeks. My mother cannot keep her comments to herself. She thinks she knows best. I cannot stand her outdated and unwelcome advice. But I am strong and I know I will be a better mother than she was. Her behaviour is a learnt behaviour from her parents. I am breaking that cicle for ever! You can do it too! ❤
I am SO proud of you Ewelina! You're such a thoughtful, introspective parent. Keep those boundaries strong! I wish you and your family nothing but the best. Hugs.
I'm 25, still live with my parents and my mom is like that. I suffer from aaaa looooot of anxiety and I even had to go to a psychiatrist and take meds for it.. I wanna leave home and live by myself so bad, but I don't have enough money for it and I have to plan what to do. I feel very insecure and like I'm not able to live by myself, but I know that's only a lie that was created on my mind. I've accomplished soooo many things that I would never thought I could achieve four, five years ago. I'm soooo fucking strooong!!! But somehow my mom wants to make me feel that I'm not strong and that I cannot do it by myself. BUT I CAN! thanks for all the advices given here in this video!
@@shera4276 I already have a job but It's not enough for me to live by myself you know? But definitely I have to save money!!! Thank you so muchh!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Could you make a video about growing up in a toxic household, developing a fear of conflict and confrontation as a coping mechanism, and how to surpass that? Thank you !
Mother: *Kicks my shoes out of the way because I didn't want her to touch them..* Yells at me n says I would never find anyone because of the way I am Me: *Says nothing in fear of mother hurting me or having more to say..*
My parents let me roam around free when I was a child, but as soon as I hit my teens they were going through my things, wanting to know where I was at all times andvfreakingnout if I was 5 minutes late home from school. They didn't trust me at all. I learnt to lie and cover my tracks carefully, and left home as soon as I could.
@Blanco Tequila I think that they realised that I was starting to attract male attention and were scared that I'd shame them by becoming pregnant because I wasn't very bright and could easily be led into unsavoury behaviour.
I am an adult now, but relate to this so much, and these types of parents are debilitating, they are so wrong and are parenting so badly. They don't have healthy habits, habits of self care and healthy social connections and for some unknown reason think that this is what their kids should live like as well. It is not just overbearing, it is abusive and wrong. Children of all ages need healthy activities and socialising to help get essential life experiences and learn to cope with different situations. By keeping someone locked inside the house and controlling them is emasculating and will never allow the child to become independent and live their own life. It is the opposite of what parents are supposed to do when teaching children about life. I am happy this topic is handled in this video and it needs a lot more attention and this type of parenting needs to change.
I’m going through that right now I’m always locked in my house it can be days where I am locked in the house because I can’t go out and face my fears. My social skills are really low I have no life skills. I’m with a therapist hopefully me and my mom and therapist can work this out cause I am soo close to being 20 and it driving me nuts like why say stay in the house forever that like prison basically.
I'm 24 and everytime I feel like there's a need for me to be more independent, I get very anxious as I'm unsure of how to be someone like that..bcz of them same reason.
I'm 23 and I am just now realizing how damaging having an overbearing parent was to my development. I'm a full-blown adult and I can't make any decisions for myself. I struggle looking for a job because I feel like I would fail at any job I got, and when I do occasionally have a job interview I am an anxious mess and feel like no matter what I'm gonna say I'll fail. Most of my friendships fail long-term because I'm a mess and I can't go out with people like a functioning adult would. It's especially hard on my physical health because the stress and anxiety is literally eating me alive and destroying me from the inside out. As you can probably guess I still live with my mom. Today I wanted to wipe our garden table so I just asked my mom if we had an old cloth I could use. Instead of just handing me the cloth she insisted on wiping the table herself and told me numerous times that I couldn't do it and that she can do it faster and better. I kinda snapped and tried to confront her about it but she just brushed me off, saying that if I had done it her way and faster she wouldn't have interfered. I can't even wipe the table without her trying to bring me down. I wish I could just move out and try to fix my own life without her interference but I can't even get a minimal wage job so I guess that's out of the picture for now... Update: For anyone interested, I actually managed to get a job a month later, somehow. It's not a full-time job, but a part-time job at a language school so I like that I'm taking some steps towards bettering myself. Though I am an anxious mess because I'm just starting...
Oh wow, thank you for that update. Gaining financial independence is a game-changer when it comes to healing. I'm so glad you found a job, and I'm sure it's one of many things you'll learn you're entirely capable of.
Alcoholic parents who want to be my role model. I’m like Yeah I’m not trying to be like you, i want to be better. Stop putting your fear and hate on me
People with strict parents also tend to be clingy as well. I had to unlearn my clinginess urges. I'm anxious when I'm alone in a room filled with people so I tend to stick close to the few friends I have and know. It's especially hard being open and forming new friendships when you are anxious, insecure, and socially awkward.
I am 45, divorced and back with my parents. I've gained over 50 pounds since living here. My mother is sick and was never overbearing but my dad has always been this way. I feel 12 instead of a grown woman. THANL YOU for this. I have got to find a way to get out and beat this.
Omg, same! I left my narcissist ex and moved back home with my 2 sons and dog. The first year was okay, but now, Im constantly wanting to rip my hair out! I feel like Im 16 again, with them always wanting to know my business, then gossiping about it behind closed doors - our rooms are right next to each other so I hear everything! And Ive been dating this guy for 7 months now, and never mentioned him to them. Ive slept over at his place a few times, and still had to lie to them about where I was because Heaven forbid their adult divorced daughter have a new life of happiness 🙄 Its ridiculous. Im hoping I can move my sons and I in with him by the end of the year - he’s also looking to move out of his current place and into a new one with us 😊 I doubt Id visit my parents much, if at all, after we move. My own sister rarely visits, either. In the last 2 years, shes only ever come over one time! That is saying alot !
I’m 31 and I still struggle with my parents. They do not respect my boundaries. Should I just try to avoid them? That seems to be the only thing that works. When I try to include them in my life, they overstep a lot.
Yes you should begin to avoid them. Talk to them about simple things, not the important things to you, or else they'll try to ruin it. They will most of the time see problems that don't exist, and you'll believe those problems cause we learned that our parents are always right, but that's not true. I for many times tried to include them in my stuff but It's too much trouble haha you can try, but be gentle. If you like something that they hate, you'll have to introduce that to them little by little, so they can test the waters before diving fully haha good luck!
38 and still. It's horrible and the guilt.. everybody sees that as good parenting.. usually when people think of bad parents they think of violence, negligence.. I don't know but I think it's even hard to overcome the overbearing relationships cause almost nobody get you. So much guilt on top of so much lifelong traumatizing constraint.. Seeking professional help after decades of thinking it would just go away with time.
I had to move back home with my mom after a breakup. I can’t go into the kitchen without her being in the kitchen . I can’t pass by a door without her calling my name. She locks the screen door so I have to call her when I get in. When I lived away, she’d be livid if I didn’t talk to her multiple times a day! I couldn’t do anything as a child, so now I look for validation to do things at 32. I hate that I’m resenting her and I know I need therapy because I’d feel like crap if something happened to her and I’m still harboring these feelings toward her.
I can relate so much! I'm moving out tomorrow but I fear that my boyfriend and I will break up and I'll end up back home. I have so much resentment inside & like you, feel bad about it 😩
I feel like crying while watching this video. You highlighted the exact issues that I have been facing for months. It's difficult to balance everything as an adult let alone being fearful and anxious due to your parents. If any parent is reading this please behave like a team player to your kids, who is supportive and plays along till the end of the game. Don't behave like fans who are emotional nor like an empire who is judgmental.
Every topic transfers anxiety on me because they all turn them into something they want to control on me, even the most casual things like grocery shopping. To date, the best strategy for me has been turning the conversation towards their lives and their stuff and avoid leaking information about me, but it’s not a perfect solution.
I was raised my single mother and everything you explained is everything i deal with. I am 38 and I’m praying some how i can change. I always been anxious and always had a hard time making decisions and trusting myself
Finally someone who understands the reality of fucked up parents. You explain it so well and precise.. still makes me angry that she made me feel like shit and never took any responsibility for any faults. Basically having a middle aged parent eith the emotional capabilities of a 12 year old.
When you thought being financially independent would make things better but No!Now i'm 25 and i feel like i've lost control of my life.I'm constantly anxious,suffocated and lack the social skills and missed out on so many life experiences.
I tried telling my mom about her being overprotective and how it literally kept me from being an independent adult and how it was toxic for my mental health. She still expects me to forgive and forget just because she's letting loose, and yet still wants to keep a tracker installed, even though that tracker only made things worse for me and she was the one who hurt me.
I'm 51 years of age, and I've never been allowed to live. I don't live with my parents, yet have to let them know my every move. I pray every night that I won't wake up the next morning. They should never have had me. I'm even told to not go out if it rains. If I nip up to the corner shop any time after 7pm I feel so guilty. I am completely suffocated.
I’d be very careful discussing anything with them other than the weather I am 51 and I have finally learnt. Anything you say you want to do they will try and manipulate you to what they want, these people cannot recognise their offspring as individuals. Please be careful get far away lead your life for you, it saves bitterness and resentment further down the track. Good luck xxxx
I definitely did deal with overbearing parents and they continued to be overbearing till the age of 28 At that point by parents had done something that really disrespected my boundaries and took my passport away as I want to go on a trip with my new fiance. My mom didn't like the fact I got engaged in the first place. Then because of these actions I decided to move out and now they don't talk to me at all and didn't show up to my wedding and now I'm expecting my first child and they don't even care. It's a rough situation.
Be glad that they went no contact before you did, or they would have guilt tripped and blamed you. You dont want parents like that ruining your wedding day or trying to undermine your own parenting skills with your new baby. Enjoy the peace while you have it!
My Dad was super protective of me when I was a child . I was'nt allowed to do things that normal kids do like learn how to ride a bike and learn how to swim because he had constant fear of me getting hurt. He even dicouraged me to do sports growing up. Because of this I have developed tons of anxiety about doing simple things that seems normal to people but is difficult for me to do.
I can understand it is really sad how parnets can be. I’m sorry you had to go through that. There times where I couldn’t do a lot either because of my mom idk it sad 😊
@@chocolateeater4866 appreciate that It hard dealing with a overprotective mom I’m just learn and live and face my fears but I hope one day I can a normal life that all I want.
@@chocolateeater4866 thank you and I’m telling myself if people don’t like what I am doing that on them I have to do things on my own I have to learn things and even fun places I would love to go to and meet new people I have to and I been doing a few quite things but it really my life and what best for me not other people telling me something I don’t wanna do like people pleasing and setting my own boundaries I have to and I know I can I have goals and dreams to accomplish thank you for comment❤️❤️❤️
Thanks, having stress induced ibs and parents that seem to have a go at me every 2 minutes for small things like general untidiness and “talking back” is not fun, hope ur channel grows! :)
I’m 22 and I feel like my mom still has so much control over me…. Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I have so much anxiety just thinking about being around my family who I am currently not on the best terms with. I just don’t want to feel uncomfortable but I’m trying to put my foot down and just say no.
110% this is how things were in my house as a child and I now experience all the things that you mentioned in this video. For anyone who is reading this and is like me, I HIGHLY suggest going no-contact with your family as soon as you can. I cut my whole family and all my friends out about 5 months ago and although the progress is slow, I see more and more everyday how they’ve influenced me into being a ball of anxiety and numbness. I felt like I was making no progress before I cut them out, but now I’m actually starting to get somewhere. Wonderful video!
HOLY SH*T - this one random video is the most life changing video I’ve ever seen 😢 I never understood where all my self sabotaging came from because I was treated with lots of love growing up. But still to this day (35 yo) my mom checks my toothbrush if I stay at her house to ensure I brushed my teeth before bed 😩 I honestly don’t know how I survived living at home till college because any time I stay it’s SO stressful
Wow. Thankyou. I understand myself sllt more. I'm 25 and I struggle to do alot of things ordinary people my age do. Leaving a small town was best thing I ever did. Thankyou Asha has helped me alot.
Thank you so much, my mother is driving me crazy!!!!😣 Even if I show her this video, she still won't get the message. I pray for anyone dealing with this... it's torture sometimes.
I keep coming across the point about setting boundaries around topics that we know will trigger them... but what if it's something that has to do with your identity? I live with my mom, and I keep trying to avoid the fact that I'm trans (taking care of healthcare-related things or trying to move forward with physical/social transitions on my own or without her)... but that's just not possible anymore. I can't avoid being who I am, and if that's the issue, I'm not sure what to do since I still live with her and am not completely financially independent yet.
Hi! Okay this one is incredibly tough. First things first, absolutely make moving out a priority. Until then, the first thing I'd do is have a sit down talk with your mom about the situation of things. Get it out in the open about how she feels about you, and tell her how her behavior has affected you. I know this may not be very fruitful, but it's always important to give the issue some formality like this. The next step would be to set expectations that you'll experience her disapproval in her everyday actions. Trying to hide yourself puts a ton of pressure on you AND will still get you experiencing toxic behavior from her, which will cause you to snap. So the best way about it is to be you, and brace yourself for the discomfort. Of course, be tactful with it and if there's specific things she'll definitely snap at, make sure to avoid those. It's hard to grow when you're in an environment that attacks your very being. So the best you can do is build a strong emotional defense.
Check out the Reddit threads about children of helicopter parents. Not one of those adult children say that they are happy or well adjusted. They often have to go no contact, which is the exact opposite of what the helicopter parents wanted.
The worst is having grown up in a religious home and them still trying to impose what they taught you growing, when your own beliefs the way you view them have changed in different from theirs. You can't win unless you allow God to change their hearts. Not that I've walked away from my faith which I haven't, my faith is the one thing that has kept me going and alive through the hardest moments in my life. Spiritual abuse one of the most traumatizing of all.
I have a over controlling religious parent. I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE LETTING HER MOVE I. WITH ME. SHE DOES NOT PAY RENT OR UTILITIES DISREPCTS ME BY CONTROLING MY HOME YELLING AND SCREAMI G AND WE ARE CONSTANTLY FIGHTING. IM MENTALY AND PHYSICALY DRAINED. IM GONNA SAVE MY MONEY AND MOVE OUT CHANGE MY NUMBER. AND DISSAPPEAR. FEOM HER LIFE.
Very good video! The guy I was dating (and still love) smokes pot all the time and is so scared of things. Even little things. He said he’s socially awkward too. As a kid, he says he was always alone in his room after school. I always wondered why he is the way he is. His mom is extremely controlling. Dating him was extremely confusing. This all now makes a lot more sense. Thank you for your video!
i used weed to cope with my parent-caused anxiety too :( didn't know that was the reason at first but it all made sense when i finally started putting the pieces together. i was also a hermit despite lots of people trying to be friends with me and hang out with me. just felt "safer" at home. now i know it was my retard parents who made me that way. breaking out of my shell more and more now.
My mother definitely projects she’s overweight always has been. I think she’s very insecure I’m at a great weight and much younger than her (I think she’s jealous of my youth and my skin color, I’m a lot light than her due to my father but anyway). I can’t say anything though when I tell other family about it they say I’m mistreating my mom and you should be nicer. 🤦♀️ I’ve tried being nice to that woman my entire life but she can’t even carry a conversation without rolling her eyes or getting irritated with me
Don’t listen to the people who tell you to be nicer to your mom. People in our society always seem to take the parent’s side as a default which is just absolutely ridiculous. Trust yourself and only trust other people who will try to understand your truth. Stay strong my friend.
Yes!! My mom has never gone a day without argument. I might say “the weather is nice today” and she will say “it would be a. Better day if you were a b or c
"Mistakes are overblown" Big time! Not only that, but accidents were overblown, i shouldve foreseen or anticipated all of these details and circumstances that lead to XYZ and avoided it. This has created a very anxious adult. I feel like i have to see and prepare for every scenario possible before making decisions or taking actions. Also, at 37 years old it's still impossible to keep some topics off limits, they insist i need to talk about them and know about their unhealthy obsessions. They still dont care about boundaries and will talk about it anyway.
My desperate attempt to leave was me joining the Marines. I think that saved me... It ripped me from the home by force, and I got to see how she was still trying to keep her baby at home by telling me that she didn't approve of my new smoking habit. Well I had enough and told her that I'm done talking to her for a while. It's not her life. 4 years later, I am in a position where I can actually grow up at 24. I feel really really lucky...
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The worst is when your mother treats you as their spouse. Literal hell, they have to know everything and don't stop or respect boundaries. Like a vehicle going over a living body.
Using both the tactics that you told in this video but sometimes it gets very lonely as a single child , with no long term friends to talk to or long term cousins to talk to or without any long term partner to talk to. My father is like this.... I love my mom so much but I don't want to share some of my emotions with her but most of the things about me..... Only she knows. I can't talk to my dad without shouting or hearing him shout or hearing his self pity and his feelings about being a victim and the whole world is a traitor towards him ( he feels so) I am 25, frok India, unmarried, living with my parents, doing a school teacher job and even going to work is tough for me cause I feel SO much anxiety and scared of going to my work that I nearly have a panic attack( though it didn't happen). I am always scared of being the left out person cause even when I try to be social it's always like I am the odd one out , I get stuck in conversations and cannot start a conversation with anyone as I dont know what to say to them, if I say something, it always turns out to be like out of context of the topic they were talking about or they just shake their heads up and down to show ' yeah, yeah whatever '. Even the colleagues that I have began to talk to..... I am scared that they don't trust me enough or I am not good enough to be there. I really need the job as I am the only earning member of my family as my father is jobless since 4 years and he is tending to my grandmother who lives with us, actually it's more like we live with her since it's her house that my Grandpa made and my father wasn't able financially so he stayed here did a private job of stenographer for about 30 years but never moved out since in India it's not a custom to leave the old grandparents behind . My grandma is a pensioner. But she only pays the big bills and stuff and is really really manipulative and always plays the victim to everyone. I am sick of this behavior. I can't go out if my town for a job, my job is constantly fixated within my town only. I Am qualified and can sit for the central government teacher vacancy but I am not allowed to go out of state or hell even out of town in that matter.... Many people ask why I don't apply for the government jobs but when I say that I can't go out of town they look at me weird. I don't even know how to ride a scooty or a car cause my father fears that I will have an accident. I have tried to voice my opinion but they make me feel like I am the bad cop here. My father even used to drop me on and off my college campus himself. It gets so constricted sometimes.... I feel like I am chocking in my own house.......the school that I work in is the best paying school in my area where I live so I feel constant anxiety about getting kicked out of the job someday due to some mistake that I haven't even done yet and truly I don't know what those mistakes are......cause in my school they have this policy where they kick out some workers each year and I feel scared what if I am next....this is my second year currently but still ni progress in my social skills. I don't know why I am rambling here but.... Anyways..... I only talk to myself sometimes to relieve some anger and write notebook about my feelings. 😅 that felt better.
Sending love and support...youre a warrior...so much on your shoulders and you are still working and contributing. Youre so strong. One day...when youve had ENOUGH...the gates of blessings will open for you and you will be free of all of this. Stay strong.
@@hayley1868 it's a really rough position you're in...but nothing bad lasts forever. Smile for the day you step out of that ish and into YOUR life. Might be closer than you think. Have a beautiful day today. ❤
Omg, your dad is crazy '-' I feel so sorry for you! I'm here in this video cause my parents raised me like that too, moatly my mom. I took soooooo long to get track of my life, but I could make it little by little, step by step. If you want to drive, try to learn it secretly if you can. About feeling scared of everything, start telling yourself that bad things are not going to happen like that. Of course we should be carefull to our sorroundings, but we can't let fear stop us from living! My mom is soooo scared of being robbed, she's scared of everything, and I understand why she's like that, she's been robbed once. Not only that. She suffered a lot through her life and she's scared of me going through the same things as her, but our parents need to understand that this is life! Sometimes we will get hurt, and that's okay! Sometimes we wil fail, but that's okay! We're not able to grow if we're not allowed to make mistakes! I tell you woman, do as much as you can and don't be scared! Try new things! Keep going! Understand that you're smart and you can talk in a group of people about anything! You just have to pay attention to what they're saying, be interested in what they have to say, ask them stuff, and they will like you right away, cause people love to be listened haha once you listen to them, try to pick up points in their conversation and match it with something you know that is related to it! That's how you develop a conversation! Try to find things in common, or if you don't have anything in common, just try to match the group talk to stuff you already know, but never stop trying! You'll get better the more you do it! Don't waste your life in fear! Life is waiting for you to be happy! Oh! And don't let your dad do that to you, like, "I can't move away from town cause my dad wont allow me". WOMAN, DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO GO OUT OF THE TOWN AND JUST GO! DONTU WAIT FOR YOUR PARENT APPROVAL OR ELSE YOU'LL NEVER GO! YOU'RE NOT WRONG FOR WANTING TO GROW AND LIVE YOUR LIFE! YOU'RE A TEACHER ALREADY, YOU HAVE FREE WILL!!! Your dad might say you're a rebbel but you should not listen to him, cause he's just making you waste your life! I'm telling you all of this cause that's how I used to feel too in the past and I evolved soooo much, and I fucking believe you can do this too! You can learn new stuff! Don't be scared! You got this!!! Good luck!!! ❤️❤️❤️
My parents both confused love with control. I’m old now and I remember how bad it was. Once I got a bad report card and my father nailed it to my bedroom wall. He showed it to relatives who visited. Of course they thought I was too easy with my children.
This is such a life saving video, i was so confused whether putting boundaries on my mother was the right thing or not because i was guilt trip into and i feel so pissed because of this. All my self confidence, self trust, even problem solving abilities has been obliterated because of this. I am so pissed for this happening to me in my life right now, and i am super grateful for you giving that clarity!
You're prioritizing your mental health, Anthony. You're wonderful for that. Once you do that, you might even be able to cultivate a healthy relationship with your mother because you're in a better place.
I feel so stressed out sometimes,,from childhood it was never easy to tell something to them ,it was always as if they expected something from me,,,and if I tel something it flips and back fires as they will make a great issue out of anything,,i don't even like coming back home.its suffocating.always degrading my work,forcing me to write competitive exams ,marriage... it's a whole turmoil for me,,,i feel i need a doctor consultation sometimes,, bcz I am trying to hold onto this alone😑.. this is also affecting my work very negativly
I'm scared and anxious. Being an only child and coming from immigrant Chinese parents, assimilation, and additional problems regarding language barrier, and being told by my Mother I will never be a part of a field due to the color of my skin tone. Being told that physical violence and SA was normal by my Mother is unbearable. Thank you for making this video, Miss. I constantly feel bad as a daughter.
My goodness Mel I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm happy to know you're becoming aware of how toxic and unacceptable these behaviors are. I hope you can give no weight to their words, as tough as that is to do.
Parents with mental health issues will often over-control their children to help diminish their own anxiety or stress or aggravation. In the case of anxiety or neuroticism, the parent will deny the child autonomy and the ultimately the ability to develop resilience and very important life skills. By damaging the child in this way, they keep the child close and dependent which helps the parent meet THEIR own (unhealthy) emotional needs. When the child finally grows up and has to face the world, they have extreme difficulty navigating adult responsibilities and relationships. Anxiety, dependence, avoidance, depression, substance abuse... All kinds of problems show up.
Its so sad because my mum subconciously keeps the "helper dynamic" going with messages like... What can I fo for you amd how can i help you? I know she means well, but I do not want to be in this dynamic anymore. It makes me feel small. Telling her that hurts me so much because I do not want to hurt her.
Oh I completely understand how you feel! Gently let her know and try to find that balance between doing things for yourself and letting her help you out. It'll make the relationship so much more fulfilling. But it's going to require tolerating some discomfort and feelings of guilt on your end. I promise it'll be worth it! A relationship is limited in its growth if one person feels constricted by the other person's actions.
@@AshaJacob I actually expressed the (perceived) inbalance and how it made me feel and she responded really kind and thoughtful. Also she said she just checked up since I had told her about a painful situation two days ago, so this time it was my trauma that caused me to interpreted her actions as negative. Facing that caused sadness. First I thought this is her way of seeking closeness, by making it about me, but after I discussed it with her I feel guilty I viewed such a loving gesture through such a sqewed lens. I need to heal, because this is hurting everybody... but... I am thankful that I became aware of this blindspot of mine.
Hi Asha! I love your content! You definitely know what you're talking about! I'm glad I'm here before 1k I'm sure I'll be a loyal follower lol please keep making awesome content! Peace
I’m 40 and my father still pretends he has no concept of ‘these special boundary things, you’ve learned from silly media’. He’s not that stupid and he knows I’m not either but it suits him to pretend.
dealing with them at end of life is brutal- going through it now- threatens daily to give the house to someone else every time her orders arent complied with
I've dealth with an overbearing mother my whole life including most of my adult life, and my advice is to get out. Get out of there even if you have to walk through hellfire to do it.
"You are not allowed to do a lot of things other kids are allowed to do and you stay at home a lot."
Very true. And they blame you for being anxious, dumb and edgy
When I analyse my life it's totally empty and I don't have an identity. It's like I'm just 11 year old in 21 year old body
My life summarized in two lines. I feel like something is chocking me in my house.... My father and grandma is toooooooooooooo much overbearing.
@@durgaambika4342 I know how you feel when you talk about not having an identity! I felt that for a loooong looong time but I made out of it! Always be true to yourself, go after things that excite you and make you feel alive! There is you identity!!! Be yourself! It's in your guts!! Just don't be afraid to be who you really are and once you do that you won't ever regret because it feels awesome to know who you truly are! I know your life feels empty now but you have the power to fulfill it! You just gotta take actions or else nothing will change! Find a job, talk to new people, go after groups of people who you can identify with and feel connected, buy clothes you find cool! Do hobies that you love! Build yourself and inspire yourself with people that you look up to! You'll definitely find your way! You got this!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same
My detachment from reality is through maladaptive daydreaming 😔😞
You and me both my friend 😩
Yes I struggle with this
Same but it's fun. It's like thinking of a fanfiction all day. Plus you don't have to deal with reality I love it
Me too 😔
same with me
I just feel relieved that there are so many people who can relate and I am not the only one. These kind of parents make you feel like you are the bad guy if you confront. There's just no escape , they damage you from the inside !!!!
So very true! I had a major lack of people skills, confidence, and identity as a result of an overbearing guardian. Never could I confront her about things she has done wrong. To this day, she believes she gave me a wonderful life and that I should be eternally grateful for it. Couldn't be farther from the truth, though.
@@d4mnitbobby hope yall doing ok
Literally, my mom. This hurts so much.
same
Every children deserves parents but every parents don’t deserve children
You described me and my mom to a T. When I moved away I had to get therapy for myself. An overbearing parent can really fuck you up. It’s horrible!
Right on. I made the mistake of not moving far. I think when I get a house I will consider distance from them.
How are you now? Did the therapy work?
Omg!! I’m on my way to move out. I’m hopping next month!!! Because I really can not. She’s somehow convinced me into staying with her again for 2 ducking years. I can’t
I'm working so hard towards exactly that, I want to work towards moving out as soon as I can and go into therapy and see a shrink.
@@lizwenjunga3435 good luck to you
As an only child I've been constantly corrected and critiqued about everything from my phone habits to my shy personality by my parents and though I love them, I've realized how much happier I am at college, away from them
Yes! Ultimately it's incredibly hard to grow in environments that make you feel trapped. I completely understand that there might be a tinge of guilt when realizing you prefer living away from your parents, but your improved mental health and happiness can and will improve your relationship with your parents. It's a ton easier to love and appreciate someone when they're not directly imposing their beliefs and authority on us.
I’m about to start College and am going through the same thing, even though I have to stay home as a commuting student (which really sucks)
I can relate whole heartedly.. I myself am an only child and after college I got myself an apartment just so I can be away from home and currently I'm unemployed but I'm trying and my mother uses this tactic as I have to be dependant on her.. every job I try to obtain regardless of what it is she shoots it down and makes me feel bad for taking it.. like it's so bad that I'm scared to try to move forward.. I'm afraid of her and what she'll do.. right now she's trying to get me out of my apartment and tells me that I have to move back home.. she blames my friend for everything that goes on and says she encourages me in things.. I'm honestly at my wits end that I feel like taking my own life sometimes... because it's really hard
@@kashiajones1396 dear kashia i've gone through a different but similarly trying period in my own life, long ago. i know it's very hard now, but i know from experience that if u can weather it u'll grow from it and become happier and more independent. u may also become more lonely, but considering what u're dealing with now, and what i had to deal with in the past, loneliness can be kind of positive, peaceful, an environment conducive to personal growth.
i wish u the best and thank u for sharing such heartfelt and vulnerable thoughts. i hope u will remain in this world because it can use more thoughtful and sensitive people like yourself.
Letting go of parents can be challenging but keep going, it's the right way to move forward
parents like these i feel in some way sabotage their children purposely
They’re usually aware of the damage, they just can’t care
@@lyrastrseed3343 My mom admitted or should I say realized a few times that she was too strict with me when I was a child. But that bitch never apologized for the trauma she put me through.
@@mizzphitzbeta Its up to you to break the cycle,if you dont potentially your kids are gonna suffer ( if you decide to have kids ) dont bother with her anymore
'parents like these i feel in some way sabotage their children purposely' i got this vibe from both my parents, one especially. it certainly is awful to perceive and have to deal with... but if u can, i think u'll become better and happier.
EXACTLY! There is no way they are not aware of the damage they are causing. I absolutely despise my mother for that and I hope she knows it.
What’s funny is that my parents were so overprotective and controlling of me growing up that as I got older I began to develop those same anxious and insecure tendencies you mentioned only my parents (mostly my mom) didn’t understand where they came from and why I was like that.. LOL. Just the other day I made the big mistake of confiding in her that I was feeling like my depression was coming back. I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it and it just sort of came up. She started crying and instead of comforting me, she began to cry and then said “I don’t understand, we did everything right. My plan wasn’t for you to still be living at home. I thought you would get your own place by now and be an adult already.” BUT…when I tried to move out previously they just kept telling me how scary it is to live alone, how expensive it is, how they didn’t think I could manage myself etc. 🙄🙄🙄 I can’t tell if she’s really that clueless and lacks self awareness or if she’s got some sort of personality disorder. I HATE that she thinks I’m the failure when this is what she raised!!!
First of all, you r not a failure just bc she thinks so. She thinks other things thst are not true. The truth is nobody is a failure. Have u tried telling her she was not encouraging when u tried to move out???
"One day you will go out on your own and everything will be a complete mess and THEN you'll TRULY appreciate your mother!!" - My Mother.
I realized I was happier and more relaxed when they were not at home, that opened my eyes.
Till then, I really felt everything was normal!
Not only kids, I'm freaking 23 and now I can't take my decisions, try new things meet people... I feel lone all the time.
Oh don’t worry it took me till almost 28 to improve that
Of course it's going to affect you as an adult because that's childhood trauma but you can improve. It's not going to happen overnight but eventually you can start to undo a lot of the harm and learn the skills that you never got to learn 😊
I feel like I've grown to be afraid of everything, enjoying life, having friends, having experiences, just living life. Because I was taught that only bad children choose friends over family ( and everyone knows if you say no enough times, all your friends leave you and stop asking to hang out, and then you are told that they were just bad friends), only bad children indulge in sensory pleasure things (shopping, decorating your space, dressing up, eating what you want), only bad children live in the now without thinking of the consequences (so basically, you don't live at all, because what chocie doesn't have any bad consequences)...so i ended up becoming a hermit, an ascetic, always just existing, afraid of living. And I only now realised that maybe the problem isn't me. Maybe I'm not weird or broken or a hermit by nature, but maybe it was just someone I had to become, in order to to be loved and accepted and respected by my parents. And I guess now, to be loved and accepted and respected by my own self, and to truly love life, I need to shed this, and step out of this state of mind. But how lol. How do I fix myself is the burning question
same...
THANK 👏🏽 YOU
Did you manage to recover from this in any way?
OMFG!!!! YOU JUST DESCRIBED MOST OF MY LIFE.
so fucking glad i started to heal and evolve out of that. so disgusting and disturbing what parents do to their children sometimes.
I’m going through this right now!! I’m 30 and I wish I got help sooner but oh well I refuse to live like this anymore. I’m sick of feeling like this
My mother ignores boundaries. There are no boundaries between her and me . She wants to control everything, even opens my post.
My mom literally doesn’t care about boundaries, growing up I never realized how bad it was. It’s crazy because now that I’m older and I’m starting to realize that it just hurts. I don’t know, it feels disrespectful? Like consistently having your boundaries crossed?
I hope things get better on your end ❤️
Yes
I’m 27 now. Almost 30, i do not feel like going into detail about anything but my mom will openly say that she does not care if she’s over protective, “at least she knows where her children are.” In her mind as long as i wasn’t out in these streets, her over protective parenting style was considered ok. I’ve suffered a lot.
I'm 25 and same.My mother would use the exact same excuse.
"I'm just being a mother." "Every mother does that (point to the most disfuncional examples possible)". Nobody say to them that's a problem so they don't ever seek help and they're children words don't count.
And sometimes if the relationship gets worse because you put your own needs first, that’s a good sign. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
The thumbnail cooks. They asked me why am I acting like I am numb? Well I indeed am. Who was it that scold little child for being sad? For being angry? For being dissapointed? Even for being too happy? Now that I dont have any emotions left, they ask me to show something. I hope Jesus heals us.
I’m 37 and my mother is still very overbearing. I left home when I was 19 and moved abroad. Only by moving away I realised that I was brought up in very unhealthy household. Now the less my mother knows the better for my mental health. It took me a very long time to start a family because I feared that I will end up a bad parent just like mine were. But the more I became aware that I’m my own person and that I do not have to make the same mistakes my parents did, only then I started to heal and now my husband and I are expecting our first child due in just 12 weeks. My mother cannot keep her comments to herself. She thinks she knows best. I cannot stand her outdated and unwelcome advice. But I am strong and I know I will be a better mother than she was. Her behaviour is a learnt behaviour from her parents. I am breaking that cicle for ever! You can do it too! ❤
I am SO proud of you Ewelina! You're such a thoughtful, introspective parent. Keep those boundaries strong! I wish you and your family nothing but the best. Hugs.
I'm 25, still live with my parents and my mom is like that. I suffer from aaaa looooot of anxiety and I even had to go to a psychiatrist and take meds for it.. I wanna leave home and live by myself so bad, but I don't have enough money for it and I have to plan what to do. I feel very insecure and like I'm not able to live by myself, but I know that's only a lie that was created on my mind. I've accomplished soooo many things that I would never thought I could achieve four, five years ago. I'm soooo fucking strooong!!! But somehow my mom wants to make me feel that I'm not strong and that I cannot do it by myself. BUT I CAN! thanks for all the advices given here in this video!
Ingrid, id say try to get a job and save up some money to leave. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
@@shera4276 I already have a job but It's not enough for me to live by myself you know? But definitely I have to save money!!! Thank you so muchh!!! ❤️❤️❤️
@@ingrid5944 just go for it and stop using you don’t have enough to move as an excuse you got this step out on faith
@@MasterStankFeet thanks for the encouragement! I gotta make a plan!
@@ingrid5944 believe me you’ll be much happier and the relationship with your parents will improve best decision I ever made
Could you make a video about growing up in a toxic household, developing a fear of conflict and confrontation as a coping mechanism, and how to surpass that? Thank you !
Please
Same situation 😕
Freeze & fawn response!
I’m late, but I definitely have that problem.
I relate to this so much. Is there a new video regarding this uploaded since this comment?
I’m 28 and I have a breakdown because of this every week
Same
Mother: *Kicks my shoes out of the way because I didn't want her to touch them..* Yells at me n says I would never find anyone because of the way I am
Me: *Says nothing in fear of mother hurting me or having more to say..*
My parents let me roam around free when I was a child, but as soon as I hit my teens they were going through my things, wanting to know where I was at all times andvfreakingnout if I was 5 minutes late home from school. They didn't trust me at all. I learnt to lie and cover my tracks carefully, and left home as soon as I could.
@Blanco Tequila I think that they realised that I was starting to attract male attention and were scared that I'd shame them by becoming pregnant because I wasn't very bright and could easily be led into unsavoury behaviour.
I am an adult now, but relate to this so much, and these types of parents are debilitating, they are so wrong and are parenting so badly. They don't have healthy habits, habits of self care and healthy social connections and for some unknown reason think that this is what their kids should live like as well. It is not just overbearing, it is abusive and wrong. Children of all ages need healthy activities and socialising to help get essential life experiences and learn to cope with different situations. By keeping someone locked inside the house and controlling them is emasculating and will never allow the child to become independent and live their own life. It is the opposite of what parents are supposed to do when teaching children about life. I am happy this topic is handled in this video and it needs a lot more attention and this type of parenting needs to change.
I’m going through that right now I’m always locked in my house it can be days where I am locked in the house because I can’t go out and face my fears. My social skills are really low I have no life skills. I’m with a therapist hopefully me and my mom and therapist can work this out cause I am soo close to being 20 and it driving me nuts like why say stay in the house forever that like prison basically.
I'm 24 and everytime I feel like there's a need for me to be more independent, I get very anxious as I'm unsure of how to be someone like that..bcz of them same reason.
I'm 23 and I am just now realizing how damaging having an overbearing parent was to my development. I'm a full-blown adult and I can't make any decisions for myself. I struggle looking for a job because I feel like I would fail at any job I got, and when I do occasionally have a job interview I am an anxious mess and feel like no matter what I'm gonna say I'll fail. Most of my friendships fail long-term because I'm a mess and I can't go out with people like a functioning adult would. It's especially hard on my physical health because the stress and anxiety is literally eating me alive and destroying me from the inside out.
As you can probably guess I still live with my mom. Today I wanted to wipe our garden table so I just asked my mom if we had an old cloth I could use. Instead of just handing me the cloth she insisted on wiping the table herself and told me numerous times that I couldn't do it and that she can do it faster and better. I kinda snapped and tried to confront her about it but she just brushed me off, saying that if I had done it her way and faster she wouldn't have interfered. I can't even wipe the table without her trying to bring me down.
I wish I could just move out and try to fix my own life without her interference but I can't even get a minimal wage job so I guess that's out of the picture for now...
Update: For anyone interested, I actually managed to get a job a month later, somehow. It's not a full-time job, but a part-time job at a language school so I like that I'm taking some steps towards bettering myself. Though I am an anxious mess because I'm just starting...
Oh wow, thank you for that update. Gaining financial independence is a game-changer when it comes to healing. I'm so glad you found a job, and I'm sure it's one of many things you'll learn you're entirely capable of.
Alcoholic parents who want to be my role model. I’m like Yeah I’m not trying to be like you, i want to be better. Stop putting your fear and hate on me
This is so my parents
same
People with strict parents also tend to be clingy as well. I had to unlearn my clinginess urges. I'm anxious when I'm alone in a room filled with people so I tend to stick close to the few friends I have and know. It's especially hard being open and forming new friendships when you are anxious, insecure, and socially awkward.
I am 45, divorced and back with my parents.
I've gained over 50 pounds since living here.
My mother is sick and was never overbearing but my dad has always been this way.
I feel 12 instead of a grown woman.
THANL YOU for this.
I have got to find a way to get out and beat this.
Omg, same! I left my narcissist ex and moved back home with my 2 sons and dog. The first year was okay, but now, Im constantly wanting to rip my hair out! I feel like Im 16 again, with them always wanting to know my business, then gossiping about it behind closed doors - our rooms are right next to each other so I hear everything! And Ive been dating this guy for 7 months now, and never mentioned him to them. Ive slept over at his place a few times, and still had to lie to them about where I was because Heaven forbid their adult divorced daughter have a new life of happiness 🙄 Its ridiculous. Im hoping I can move my sons and I in with him by the end of the year - he’s also looking to move out of his current place and into a new one with us 😊 I doubt Id visit my parents much, if at all, after we move. My own sister rarely visits, either. In the last 2 years, shes only ever come over one time! That is saying alot !
I’m 31 and I still struggle with my parents. They do not respect my boundaries. Should I just try to avoid them? That seems to be the only thing that works. When I try to include them in my life, they overstep a lot.
I’m in the same boat. Smh.
Your not bound to them leave them until they change. Forgive them but u dont have to have a relationship w them
Yes you should begin to avoid them. Talk to them about simple things, not the important things to you, or else they'll try to ruin it. They will most of the time see problems that don't exist, and you'll believe those problems cause we learned that our parents are always right, but that's not true. I for many times tried to include them in my stuff but It's too much trouble haha you can try, but be gentle. If you like something that they hate, you'll have to introduce that to them little by little, so they can test the waters before diving fully haha good luck!
I'm sorry, but yes, avoid them. I'm 36 and my parents still treat me like I am 16. Hang in there man.
38 and still. It's horrible and the guilt.. everybody sees that as good parenting.. usually when people think of bad parents they think of violence, negligence.. I don't know but I think it's even hard to overcome the overbearing relationships cause almost nobody get you. So much guilt on top of so much lifelong traumatizing constraint.. Seeking professional help after decades of thinking it would just go away with time.
I had to move back home with my mom after a breakup. I can’t go into the kitchen without her being in the kitchen . I can’t pass by a door without her calling my name. She locks the screen door so I have to call her when I get in. When I lived away, she’d be livid if I didn’t talk to her multiple times a day! I couldn’t do anything as a child, so now I look for validation to do things at 32. I hate that I’m resenting her and I know I need therapy because I’d feel like crap if something happened to her and I’m still harboring these feelings toward her.
I can relate so much! I'm moving out tomorrow but I fear that my boyfriend and I will break up and I'll end up back home. I have so much resentment inside & like you, feel bad about it 😩
I feel like crying while watching this video. You highlighted the exact issues that I have been facing for months. It's difficult to balance everything as an adult let alone being fearful and anxious due to your parents. If any parent is reading this please behave like a team player to your kids, who is supportive and plays along till the end of the game. Don't behave like fans who are emotional nor like an empire who is judgmental.
Those 4 dislikes are from toxic parents
This explains so much. This is my parents.
Every topic transfers anxiety on me because they all turn them into something they want to control on me, even the most casual things like grocery shopping.
To date, the best strategy for me has been turning the conversation towards their lives and their stuff and avoid leaking information about me, but it’s not a perfect solution.
I was raised my single mother and everything you explained is everything i deal with. I am 38 and I’m praying some how i can change. I always been anxious and always had a hard time making decisions and trusting myself
It's such a comfort to me to read through the comments, I don't feel so alone anymore. I wish everyone the very best! Here's to your happy days!
Same here.
Finally someone who understands the reality of fucked up parents. You explain it so well and precise.. still makes me angry that she made me feel like shit and never took any responsibility for any faults. Basically having a middle aged parent eith the emotional capabilities of a 12 year old.
I'm glad that we, kids, have these amazing people in the internet who care about our problems,ty Soo much
When you thought being financially independent would make things better but No!Now i'm 25 and i feel like i've lost control of my life.I'm constantly anxious,suffocated and lack the social skills and missed out on so many life experiences.
I tried telling my mom about her being overprotective and how it literally kept me from being an independent adult and how it was toxic for my mental health. She still expects me to forgive and forget just because she's letting loose, and yet still wants to keep a tracker installed, even though that tracker only made things worse for me and she was the one who hurt me.
I'm 51 years of age, and I've never been allowed to live. I don't live with my parents, yet have to let them know my every move. I pray every night that I won't wake up the next morning. They should never have had me. I'm even told to not go out if it rains. If I nip up to the corner shop any time after 7pm I feel so guilty. I am completely suffocated.
I’d be very careful discussing anything with them other than the weather I am 51 and I have finally learnt. Anything you say you want to do they will try and manipulate you to what they want, these people cannot recognise their offspring as individuals. Please be careful get far away lead your life for you, it saves bitterness and resentment further down the track. Good luck xxxx
I definitely did deal with overbearing parents and they continued to be overbearing till the age of 28
At that point by parents had done something that really disrespected my boundaries and took my passport away as I want to go on a trip with my new fiance. My mom didn't like the fact I got engaged in the first place. Then because of these actions I decided to move out and now they don't talk to me at all and didn't show up to my wedding and now I'm expecting my first child and they don't even care. It's a rough situation.
Be glad that they went no contact before you did, or they would have guilt tripped and blamed you. You dont want parents like that ruining your wedding day or trying to undermine your own parenting skills with your new baby. Enjoy the peace while you have it!
My Dad was super protective of me when I was a child . I was'nt allowed to do things that normal kids do like learn how to ride a bike and learn how to swim because he had constant fear of me getting hurt. He even dicouraged me to do sports growing up. Because of this I have developed tons of anxiety about doing simple things that seems normal to people but is difficult for me to do.
I can understand it is really sad how parnets can be. I’m sorry you had to go through that. There times where I couldn’t do a lot either because of my mom idk it sad 😊
I hope you get better - and can do things that you want to do freely!
@@chocolateeater4866 appreciate that It hard dealing with a overprotective mom I’m just learn and live and face my fears but I hope one day I can a normal life that all I want.
@@chocolateeater4866 thank you and I’m telling myself if people don’t like what I am doing that on them I have to do things on my own I have to learn things and even fun places I would love to go to and meet new people I have to and I been doing a few quite things but it really my life and what best for me not other people telling me something I don’t wanna do like people pleasing and setting my own boundaries I have to and I know I can I have goals and dreams to accomplish thank you for comment❤️❤️❤️
Thanks, having stress induced ibs and parents that seem to have a go at me every 2 minutes for small things like general untidiness and “talking back” is not fun, hope ur channel grows! :)
It's so emotionally destructive. I hope you're doing alright! Thank you :)
I’m nearly 30 I have no plan but i need to escape to get ahead
you are not alone
23 and working like a sonofabitch to try and get my own place
Same here but hopefully things get better for all of us we gotta live and learn life it crazy
I’m 22 and I feel like my mom still has so much control over me…. Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I have so much anxiety just thinking about being around my family who I am currently not on the best terms with. I just don’t want to feel uncomfortable but I’m trying to put my foot down and just say no.
Thank you for this video. Found this through reddit. Will follow, need more help in this area big time.
That happened to me, now I strugel with social anxiety and GAD
Same as me! I think parents who have this approach do cause a lot of stress to the child that can affect them their whole life
110% this is how things were in my house as a child and I now experience all the things that you mentioned in this video. For anyone who is reading this and is like me, I HIGHLY suggest going no-contact with your family as soon as you can. I cut my whole family and all my friends out about 5 months ago and although the progress is slow, I see more and more everyday how they’ve influenced me into being a ball of anxiety and numbness. I felt like I was making no progress before I cut them out, but now I’m actually starting to get somewhere.
Wonderful video!
HOLY SH*T - this one random video is the most life changing video I’ve ever seen 😢 I never understood where all my self sabotaging came from because I was treated with lots of love growing up. But still to this day (35 yo) my mom checks my toothbrush if I stay at her house to ensure I brushed my teeth before bed 😩
I honestly don’t know how I survived living at home till college because any time I stay it’s SO stressful
Aw, I'm so glad it's helped you Lisa. You sound like you're in the midst of an intense growth journey. I'm excited for you. Hugs!
Wow. Thankyou. I understand myself sllt more. I'm 25 and I struggle to do alot of things ordinary people my age do. Leaving a small town was best thing I ever did. Thankyou Asha has helped me alot.
Thank you so much, my mother is driving me crazy!!!!😣 Even if I show her this video, she still won't get the message. I pray for anyone dealing with this... it's torture sometimes.
It's real torture 🥺
I keep coming across the point about setting boundaries around topics that we know will trigger them... but what if it's something that has to do with your identity? I live with my mom, and I keep trying to avoid the fact that I'm trans (taking care of healthcare-related things or trying to move forward with physical/social transitions on my own or without her)... but that's just not possible anymore. I can't avoid being who I am, and if that's the issue, I'm not sure what to do since I still live with her and am not completely financially independent yet.
Hi! Okay this one is incredibly tough. First things first, absolutely make moving out a priority. Until then, the first thing I'd do is have a sit down talk with your mom about the situation of things. Get it out in the open about how she feels about you, and tell her how her behavior has affected you. I know this may not be very fruitful, but it's always important to give the issue some formality like this. The next step would be to set expectations that you'll experience her disapproval in her everyday actions. Trying to hide yourself puts a ton of pressure on you AND will still get you experiencing toxic behavior from her, which will cause you to snap. So the best way about it is to be you, and brace yourself for the discomfort. Of course, be tactful with it and if there's specific things she'll definitely snap at, make sure to avoid those.
It's hard to grow when you're in an environment that attacks your very being. So the best you can do is build a strong emotional defense.
Check out the Reddit threads about children of helicopter parents. Not one of those adult children say that they are happy or well adjusted. They often have to go no contact, which is the exact opposite of what the helicopter parents wanted.
The worst is having grown up in a religious home and them still trying to impose what they taught you growing, when your own beliefs the way you view them have changed in different from theirs. You can't win unless you allow God to change their hearts. Not that I've walked away from my faith which I haven't, my faith is the one thing that has kept me going and alive through the hardest moments in my life. Spiritual abuse one of the most traumatizing of all.
I have a over controlling religious parent. I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE LETTING HER MOVE I. WITH ME. SHE DOES NOT PAY RENT OR UTILITIES DISREPCTS ME BY CONTROLING MY HOME YELLING AND SCREAMI G AND WE ARE CONSTANTLY FIGHTING. IM MENTALY AND PHYSICALY DRAINED. IM GONNA SAVE MY MONEY AND MOVE OUT CHANGE MY NUMBER. AND DISSAPPEAR. FEOM HER LIFE.
Just imagine this happening while im 27 😂
And people wonder why i have so much stress.
Oh my gosh i can relate to this Their anxiety just crushes me on an inner level and i feel like there's no way out of it .
Very good video! The guy I was dating (and still love) smokes pot all the time and is so scared of things. Even little things. He said he’s socially awkward too. As a kid, he says he was always alone in his room after school. I always wondered why he is the way he is. His mom is extremely controlling. Dating him was extremely confusing. This all now makes a lot more sense. Thank you for your video!
i used weed to cope with my parent-caused anxiety too :( didn't know that was the reason at first but it all made sense when i finally started putting the pieces together. i was also a hermit despite lots of people trying to be friends with me and hang out with me. just felt "safer" at home. now i know it was my retard parents who made me that way. breaking out of my shell more and more now.
yess creating boundaries really helps a lot!!
My mother definitely projects she’s overweight always has been. I think she’s very insecure I’m at a great weight and much younger than her (I think she’s jealous of my youth and my skin color, I’m a lot light than her due to my father but anyway). I can’t say anything though when I tell other family about it they say I’m mistreating my mom and you should be nicer. 🤦♀️ I’ve tried being nice to that woman my entire life but she can’t even carry a conversation without rolling her eyes or getting irritated with me
Don’t listen to the people who tell you to be nicer to your mom. People in our society always seem to take the parent’s side as a default which is just absolutely ridiculous. Trust yourself and only trust other people who will try to understand your truth. Stay strong my friend.
Yes!! My mom has never gone a day without argument. I might say “the weather is nice today” and she will say “it would be a. Better day if you were a b or c
"Mistakes are overblown"
Big time! Not only that, but accidents were overblown, i shouldve foreseen or anticipated all of these details and circumstances that lead to XYZ and avoided it. This has created a very anxious adult. I feel like i have to see and prepare for every scenario possible before making decisions or taking actions.
Also, at 37 years old it's still impossible to keep some topics off limits, they insist i need to talk about them and know about their unhealthy obsessions. They still dont care about boundaries and will talk about it anyway.
Yes ! I can relate with the making mistakes and blowing it out of proportion dealing with all of this stuff your talking bout now
As an adult I have more anxiety than ever because of my parents my siblings and the town I live in.
Mdma taught me more about overcoming social anxiety than anything I learned (or didn’t) in childhood
I have watched tons of vids like these but none of them felt this relatable, it literally made me cry, thank you for sharing ❤️
This explains why i hated my lfie so much .
Why do I feel so sick when I'm around them?
My dad is authoritarian and my mom is overbearing. I was doomed from the start.
My desperate attempt to leave was me joining the Marines. I think that saved me... It ripped me from the home by force, and I got to see how she was still trying to keep her baby at home by telling me that she didn't approve of my new smoking habit.
Well I had enough and told her that I'm done talking to her for a while. It's not her life. 4 years later, I am in a position where I can actually grow up at 24. I feel really really lucky...
How do I ever get rid of this disgusting feeling
To overcome lifetime patterns of anxiety & self-doubt for good, so you can confidentially express yourself and find your natural leadership, book a short call with me here to see if my 8 week program is the right fit for you: www.ashajacob.com/chatwithasha
This expanded into me understanding not only myself but my relationship with my wife as well!!!!
The worst is when your mother treats you as their spouse. Literal hell, they have to know everything and don't stop or respect boundaries. Like a vehicle going over a living body.
very good video, very nicely explained. wish it was longer! You are so pretty btw!!
Using both the tactics that you told in this video but sometimes it gets very lonely as a single child , with no long term friends to talk to or long term cousins to talk to or without any long term partner to talk to.
My father is like this.... I love my mom so much but I don't want to share some of my emotions with her but most of the things about me..... Only she knows. I can't talk to my dad without shouting or hearing him shout or hearing his self pity and his feelings about being a victim and the whole world is a traitor towards him ( he feels so)
I am 25, frok India, unmarried, living with my parents, doing a school teacher job and even going to work is tough for me cause I feel SO much anxiety and scared of going to my work that I nearly have a panic attack( though it didn't happen). I am always scared of being the left out person cause even when I try to be social it's always like I am the odd one out , I get stuck in conversations and cannot start a conversation with anyone as I dont know what to say to them, if I say something, it always turns out to be like out of context of the topic they were talking about or they just shake their heads up and down to show ' yeah, yeah whatever '. Even the colleagues that I have began to talk to..... I am scared that they don't trust me enough or I am not good enough to be there. I really need the job as I am the only earning member of my family as my father is jobless since 4 years and he is tending to my grandmother who lives with us, actually it's more like we live with her since it's her house that my Grandpa made and my father wasn't able financially so he stayed here did a private job of stenographer for about 30 years but never moved out since in India it's not a custom to leave the old grandparents behind . My grandma is a pensioner. But she only pays the big bills and stuff and is really really manipulative and always plays the victim to everyone. I am sick of this behavior. I can't go out if my town for a job, my job is constantly fixated within my town only. I Am qualified and can sit for the central government teacher vacancy but I am not allowed to go out of state or hell even out of town in that matter.... Many people ask why I don't apply for the government jobs but when I say that I can't go out of town they look at me weird. I don't even know how to ride a scooty or a car cause my father fears that I will have an accident. I have tried to voice my opinion but they make me feel like I am the bad cop here. My father even used to drop me on and off my college campus himself. It gets so constricted sometimes.... I feel like I am chocking in my own house.......the school that I work in is the best paying school in my area where I live so I feel constant anxiety about getting kicked out of the job someday due to some mistake that I haven't even done yet and truly I don't know what those mistakes are......cause in my school they have this policy where they kick out some workers each year and I feel scared what if I am next....this is my second year currently but still ni progress in my social skills. I don't know why I am rambling here but.... Anyways.....
I only talk to myself sometimes to relieve some anger and write notebook about my feelings.
😅 that felt better.
Sending love and support...youre a warrior...so much on your shoulders and you are still working and contributing. Youre so strong. One day...when youve had ENOUGH...the gates of blessings will open for you and you will be free of all of this. Stay strong.
@@Mikael004 Thank you sister. That meant a lot to me... 😌
@@hayley1868 it's a really rough position you're in...but nothing bad lasts forever. Smile for the day you step out of that ish and into YOUR life. Might be closer than you think. Have a beautiful day today. ❤
Omg, your dad is crazy '-' I feel so sorry for you! I'm here in this video cause my parents raised me like that too, moatly my mom. I took soooooo long to get track of my life, but I could make it little by little, step by step. If you want to drive, try to learn it secretly if you can. About feeling scared of everything, start telling yourself that bad things are not going to happen like that. Of course we should be carefull to our sorroundings, but we can't let fear stop us from living! My mom is soooo scared of being robbed, she's scared of everything, and I understand why she's like that, she's been robbed once. Not only that. She suffered a lot through her life and she's scared of me going through the same things as her, but our parents need to understand that this is life! Sometimes we will get hurt, and that's okay! Sometimes we wil fail, but that's okay! We're not able to grow if we're not allowed to make mistakes! I tell you woman, do as much as you can and don't be scared! Try new things! Keep going! Understand that you're smart and you can talk in a group of people about anything! You just have to pay attention to what they're saying, be interested in what they have to say, ask them stuff, and they will like you right away, cause people love to be listened haha once you listen to them, try to pick up points in their conversation and match it with something you know that is related to it! That's how you develop a conversation! Try to find things in common, or if you don't have anything in common, just try to match the group talk to stuff you already know, but never stop trying! You'll get better the more you do it! Don't waste your life in fear! Life is waiting for you to be happy! Oh! And don't let your dad do that to you, like, "I can't move away from town cause my dad wont allow me". WOMAN, DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO GO OUT OF THE TOWN AND JUST GO! DONTU WAIT FOR YOUR PARENT APPROVAL OR ELSE YOU'LL NEVER GO! YOU'RE NOT WRONG FOR WANTING TO GROW AND LIVE YOUR LIFE! YOU'RE A TEACHER ALREADY, YOU HAVE FREE WILL!!! Your dad might say you're a rebbel but you should not listen to him, cause he's just making you waste your life! I'm telling you all of this cause that's how I used to feel too in the past and I evolved soooo much, and I fucking believe you can do this too! You can learn new stuff! Don't be scared! You got this!!! Good luck!!! ❤️❤️❤️
I'm from India too.I'm working too but my mother still drops me off.Sometimes i'd get so frustrated and suffocated that i'd just cry.
You just described my childhood to a T. Thank you. Sounds like you went through the exact same thing. I wish we could be friends ha.
Aw, hugs! Glad you found the video helpful Jennifer
My parents both confused love with control. I’m old now and I remember how bad it was. Once I got a bad report card and my father nailed it to my bedroom wall. He showed it to relatives who visited. Of course they thought I was too easy with my children.
How about overbearing grandparents. Hard to deal with also
I think it falls under the same category if you were raised by them too
So true. I relate so much
This is such a life saving video, i was so confused whether putting boundaries on my mother was the right thing or not because i was guilt trip into and i feel so pissed because of this. All my self confidence, self trust, even problem solving abilities has been obliterated because of this.
I am so pissed for this happening to me in my life right now, and i am super grateful for you giving that clarity!
You're prioritizing your mental health, Anthony. You're wonderful for that. Once you do that, you might even be able to cultivate a healthy relationship with your mother because you're in a better place.
I feel so stressed out sometimes,,from childhood it was never easy to tell something to them ,it was always as if they expected something from me,,,and if I tel something it flips and back fires as they will make a great issue out of anything,,i don't even like coming back home.its suffocating.always degrading my work,forcing me to write competitive exams ,marriage... it's a whole turmoil for me,,,i feel i need a doctor consultation sometimes,, bcz I am trying to hold onto this alone😑.. this is also affecting my work very negativly
I'm scared and anxious. Being an only child and coming from immigrant Chinese parents, assimilation, and additional problems regarding language barrier, and being told by my Mother I will never be a part of a field due to the color of my skin tone.
Being told that physical violence and SA was normal by my Mother is unbearable. Thank you for making this video, Miss. I constantly feel bad as a daughter.
My goodness Mel I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm happy to know you're becoming aware of how toxic and unacceptable these behaviors are. I hope you can give no weight to their words, as tough as that is to do.
Informative and snappy. We can make better parents ourselves. 🙏🏻
Rules of society allow anybody to become a parent. One day a test and licence will be required I'm sure.
...in a perfect world. It probably wouldn't be ethical though, but still.
New generations of parents are learning the parenting mistakes of the old generations of parents
Parents with mental health issues will often over-control their children to help diminish their own anxiety or stress or aggravation. In the case of anxiety or neuroticism, the parent will deny the child autonomy and the ultimately the ability to develop resilience and very important life skills. By damaging the child in this way, they keep the child close and dependent which helps the parent meet THEIR own (unhealthy) emotional needs. When the child finally grows up and has to face the world, they have extreme difficulty navigating adult responsibilities and relationships. Anxiety, dependence, avoidance, depression, substance abuse... All kinds of problems show up.
Wow......spot on😮
Its so sad because my mum subconciously keeps the "helper dynamic" going with messages like...
What can I fo for you amd how can i help you?
I know she means well, but I do not want to be in this dynamic anymore. It makes me feel small. Telling her that hurts me so much because I do not want to hurt her.
Oh I completely understand how you feel! Gently let her know and try to find that balance between doing things for yourself and letting her help you out. It'll make the relationship so much more fulfilling. But it's going to require tolerating some discomfort and feelings of guilt on your end. I promise it'll be worth it! A relationship is limited in its growth if one person feels constricted by the other person's actions.
@@AshaJacob I actually expressed the (perceived) inbalance and how it made me feel and she responded really kind and thoughtful. Also she said she just checked up since I had told her about a painful situation two days ago, so this time it was my trauma that caused me to interpreted her actions as negative. Facing that caused sadness.
First I thought this is her way of seeking closeness, by making it about me, but after I discussed it with her I feel guilty I viewed such a loving gesture through such a sqewed lens. I need to heal, because this is hurting everybody... but... I am thankful that I became aware of this blindspot of mine.
Thank you very much for this video .
A contrast: That my narcissstic dad is overbearing, is an understatement!
Hi Asha! I love your content! You definitely know what you're talking about!
I'm glad I'm here before 1k I'm sure I'll be a loyal follower lol
please keep making awesome content!
Peace
Aww, thank you so much Zain!
I’m 40 and my father still pretends he has no concept of ‘these special boundary things, you’ve learned from silly media’. He’s not that stupid and he knows I’m not either but it suits him to pretend.
Keep up the work!
dealing with them at end of life is brutal- going through it now- threatens daily to give the house to someone else every time her orders arent complied with
I've dealth with an overbearing mother my whole life including most of my adult life, and my advice is to get out. Get out of there even if you have to walk through hellfire to do it.
Thank you this is amazing :)
This spoke volumes to me ❤
very good talk, asha. thanks!
Great video, it's kinda explain my situation.
Boundaries…something that parents like that don’t believe in…