Thank you for viewing. Yes, I offer online sessions. Hereʻs my site for info: www.hubfortheheart.com. To book, send an email to: info@hubfortheheart.com. Feel free to share a bit about your situation and remember to let me know your time zone for scheduling, too. Thanks for being in touch. I look forward to hearing from you. Karuna
That's her problem. Not yours. Be clear of this. Continue to get educated and allow her reactions to remind you to pursue your interests, skills, freedom. Good luck. Massive respect.
Get out! I left at your age abd couldn't get away. So at 23 I flew to another country and still couldn't escape because they went through family friends and extended family. But the longer you leave it, the later the fight ends. They are really terrible people. They keep following me around everywhere I go. Don't know what to do actually...
@@sahanar9163 same! I left to another country and they still followed me around with extended family members and friends of family. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I mean, I have good career skills now so that's cool.
Yep. If you move out the parent can no longer control you. I'm nearly 40 and I moved back in with my parents to help them out financially. What a mistake! I tried moving out but my mother convinced me to stay. Another mistake. This time I'm not letting her convince me to stay. I'm going. I'll work extra and send her money.
@@SG-jg3be how did you deal with it I’m turning 14 and wanna leave really bad but I can’t my mom is such a negative person and controlling and toxic idk what to do!
If you think it might help, you could write her an email explaining exactly what you're upset with her for doing. She'll probably just get defensive, but at least you'll get it off your chest, and deep down she'll know you're right. I've talked to numerous people who regret not telling their parents what they wanted to before it was too late.
It’s just so annoying, I’m 15 turning 16 soon. But I get treated like a 8 year old. I can’t do the things I want to do, like go outside, hang out with my friends(before COVID), etc. they also invade my privacy. And every time I talk about basketball or tik tok. My mom says “why won’t you do this in school, and talk about school more”. It triggers me. My friends have chill parents and everything. When you have controlling parents, it seems like your friends are living the fullest, and you just behind a fence :(
Things will be better when you move away. Start saving up for college now (if you want, if that’s possible). When I was a teenager my mom did that to me and it affected my self esteem. Know that even though you’re not thriving now that you absolutely have the potential to be successful and love life and remember that it’s not your always fault when things aren’t going the way you want. As much as you can don’t let anyone break your spirit.
i can’t even have instagram or ANY form of communicating with others and making new friends. when i’m on xbox or on an online game or something related to that he claims i have to talk to my friends from school only.
I feel that, I'm 15 and I know what I want in life, I have plans to leave after I graduate highschool, all my friends are going out and doing things, and I'm just stuck
All this time i thought something is wrong with me. i am 20 and tired of this i am still living under their roof. i cant even go out with friends, i always have to ask and i always get a lecture beofre i could never go freely. i feel so alone and stifled but at the same time i dont wanna disrespect them so i just stay there and listen to what they have to say and dont say a word because i am always wrong
Jada Love I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Nothing is wrong with you. I’m sorry you feel alone and trapped. That sounds so very difficult to deal with.
im in the same page. Im 20 years old when she beats me i beat back. when she critisizes i critisize a whole lot. when she demands to take my phone i say a big loud NO and if it gets aggressive then i respond with aggression. Right now im leaving the house. You need to have lot of money or live with someone you trust.
I haven't spoken to my parents in 3 years. I was brought up on a diet of manipulation, gaslighting, happiness sabotaging, put downs, guilt tripping, shaming, lies and control. It was hard to stomach after a while and I became sick with anxiety, OCD and depression. I'm doing really well now and would recommend no contact.
Glad you're doing better. My childhood and relationship with my parents was the same way. I have bipolar disorder and CPTSD because of it. Therapy has been very helpful along with the medication I'm on.
I've made a new video that takes the burden off of you trying to get through to your parents. Send this to them: th-cam.com/video/Nwva0s1B-aE/w-d-xo.html If this doesn't get through, I'll next post a Come to Jesus vid on your behalf. Let me know how this goes. x Karuna
Wow this exactly my mom and dad. Her reason for being controlling is because she cares about me, but I constantly get accused of doing drugs and being promiscuous and I'm not allowed to be friends who have tattoos or dreadlocks because they are deemed presentable. I really can't do this anymore it's so suffocating, I plan to move out and focus on healing from them.
My mom cares about me so much that she feels the need to randomly and secretly check me in my bedroom at least 2 times a night, (I’m not sure what’s she’s expecting to catch me doing). Oh and yeah I’m not allowed to have locks on my doors of course. So every time I’m changing clothes, I pray to god she won’t open the door coz she ain’t knocking first dawg, she constantly trying to “catch” me doing sth bad. Oh and forget about social life, I can’t even exist freely in my own bedroom
Holy shit this is my entire life with my mother. In EMDR therapy I had an awakening that shook me to my core. I for the first time could see my mother's toxicity and the role it played in my trauma. I thought it was all my dad my whole life because he was the one yelling all the time. Now I see how awful she treated him. I felt like I was responsible for her emotional wellbeing. I excused everything. She did a good job making me feel sorry for her life with my dad. She is so threatened by me now that I have gotten to a healthy place in my healing journey. She loved me more when I was lost and addicted to alcohol. She hates that I'm confident. She is offended when I talk about finally learning about my late diagnosed ADHD and how the education has completely changed my life because I finally understand my brain so I'm confident and I love myself and I don't feed into her shit....Well I do sometimes. She told me that talking about my ADHD is annoying. I'm heartbroken at realizing that she doesn't like the "me" that I have finally found.
I just never would have used the word "controlling" but how you describe it is exactly my mom. She just kinda stopped caring to be a mom at the point she realized I would never be what she wanted me to be. I have always felt uneasy around her, but I always just thought she was a bad conversationalist. No, she just doesn't like what I have to say. She gets offended if I tell her something new I learned about plants (which is her expertise) whth "I KNOW THAT".. she has no ideas how to not be defensive.
Thank you very much! My mom was so controlling it was abusive. I was not allowed to drive! I became disabled and couldn’t find a job to fit my limits but if I could have driven I could have worked. In stead of assisting me with this she blocked this with every excuse as to why I couldn’t drive. She resented my being financially dependent on her yet wanted to control so many aspects of my life and enjoyed infantilizing me by telling me how to dress, do my hair, make up, washing my clothes, pressuring my boyfriend to marry me which was one of the reasons he broke up with me and left me devastated. I married someone who was terrible for me simply because he offered to provide driving lessons and a car. When I went back to college she told me I was too old and that I couldn’t complete it. When I graduated she didn’t seem as happy for me as one would expect. I am a failure in her eyes. But when I confronted her about this she said that “I could do anything” yet when I tried to pursue my goals she always tried to shut them down or didn’t support them. As a high school student I was a vocalist and I won all 7 events in our district UIL vocal competitions and 6 out of 7 in our UIL state competitions. I studied opera in college yet she said that I was not good enough to pursue a career in opera because I didn’t sing loud enough. So I showed how loud I could sing and of course it was too loud. She is gone now and I have complex feelings, I’m not sure I fully miss her except on holidays because she made those special. I know she was abused by her mother and my father and she didn’t get the help that she needed. But I’m the one with the screwed up life and unfulfilled potential and dreams. At my age - 50+ being a beginner opera singer is not something the opera world will accept, so I have no options and the popular music world only wants teens or people in their twenties who fit into the DEI quota and seniors not part of that population. So where does this leave me? This leaves me with nothing! Unfulfilled potential, goals and dreams, complex PTSD and a shattered soul!
Ohh god..why am i crying ...i dont know what to do..i m just so tired with my parents... i mean they are loving but when it comes to my identity..me being me...they just want things to go their way...like why...am i not a human...
Thank you so much. This video was very helpful and i feel like my feelings are validated. My father is extremely religious and conservative he raised me to obey him then get married and obey my husband which never happened. I’ve been away for him for 8 years now but my scars never healed. Im considering therapy.
im also 33 years old but constantly spoken to like im 3. then when i react defensively she says she talks to me like an adult and i reply like a kid ugh
I lost my mom and currently living with my grandmother and whatever fast forward I’ll try to talk about my future and everytime i mention about getting my own place and how I’m going to decorate she puts me down saying the world might not be here any longer so we may as well stay together or there’s no point & so many excuses but it’s nothing like having your own I feel like mushed and smothered or don’t have any freedom as if I can’t have time to my self you know like want to be alone by myself and vibe alone old.
So i dont really know if you'd call this "controlling" or "narcissistic" but when i was in 3rd grade my mother pulled me out of school and put me in homeschool. I very vividly remember the first day of homeschool and her telling me "you dont need to learn any of this. None of this stuff is necessary for you so just copy the answer book". So i did that till 6th grade. By 6th grade i started to compare myself to my friends and realized how behind i was and started asking my parents to actually teach me. I dont think my dad was aware of how she had been "teaching" me and got very angry and irate with me when i wouldn't easily understand things. He'd compare me to my cousins who were extremely smart and were in accelerate classes. I was constantly disciplined for not understanding. My self esteem was hardly existant and i had debilitating anxiety. With my mom, she basically did everything for me and even if i would fight and demand her to teach me she would call me "a bad horrible child who doesn't appreciate her" instead of teaching me. I started to believe that. "Im not smart and its my fault because im inherently bad and dont deserve to be smart" was something i remember thinking on a daily basis. I would try to be my own person, spend more time not at home and with friends and learn things for myself by reading a lot but she would always get upset and either give me the slinet treatment or lie to my dad about me doing something bad so i will get punished. The moment i was a teenager and realized what i wanted to do with my live, it became worse because what i wanted was contrary to what she wanted which was for me need and rely on her for my whole life. I really started to resent my mother from withholding education from me. I wanted to be independent and do things for myself but she went out of her way to do things for me. By high school i had tried my best of teach myself but i really struggled, was forever playing catch up and by then had horrible depression and anxiety. My parents also didn't want to teach me how to drive or how to look for jobs because "we can take you where you need to go and give you money". Of course i fought it and had my friends parents teach me. Everything i learned about how to be a competent adult came from the internet or friends parents. But my self esteem is still non existent. Im 23 and still live at home mainly because I've developed this fear that maybe they are right and maybe im not good enough to take care of myself. Part of me fights it and part of me believes it. Now my mom is sick with stage 4 cancer and though i have 7 other siblings who can help, i basically do everything. I feel like im never going to be my own person
I’m still a minor and my parents try to threaten me by saying “ our relationship is a dictatorship”. Then I kid you not they laugh and try to make us ( my siblings and I) seem like we’ve got it all wrong and that we’re being disrespectful for telling them our relationship should be a democracy.
Very accurate. "'Normal jobs' start are 8-5. You're never going to land a job if you're sleeping all day. Naps are not acceptable." After he runs the garbage disposal at 6:30a directly over me, I most certainly am not sleeping all day! His manipulation tactics (removing my choices) don't work on me any more, so he's going after my basic needs. The silent treatment is a GIFT! lol
These kinds of parents think that their kids have a duty to them. They expect that their kids will take care of them and wait on them hand and foot in their old age. If the kids have any sense theýll get as far away from their parents as possible and not fall into the trap of feeling obliged to care for an obnoxious elderly parent.
I can relate to everything you said. My mom & brother are extremely controlling. I wish I had means to move out & limit contact with them. Im almost 40 & they treat me like Im some kid who cant think. Im always on my feet & help out with housework but I just dont feel appreciated at all!😢
I'm of my father, he makes me sick. I studied Law and he is now forcing me to practice it, insulting me and calling me spoilt for wanting to do a qualification that will make me move from law
Crazy, my life to a capital T!!! Thank you so much for this channel, and explaining exactly what's going on and why, and how to heal/fix them!!!! This explanation is the most precise and realistic I have ever heard. Thank you very much!!! I will be binge watching your videos! ;)
Welcome & glad you appreciate my channel. I explain and describe dynamics so that we no longer take things personally and further shame ourselves. Once we can see what's going on with a wide angle lens, we can, indeed, proceed with our responsibility of becoming healthy and well. Becoming better in ourselves, yet not making ourselves "better" than others..... Thanks again for viewing.
Exactly that's the way my mother is like . Controlling . She does not respect me as an individual . I gave her chances after chances , she never changes . Just can't deal with it . I blocked her on FB ,and I don't talk to her much . Limiting my contact with her . Impossible to deal with her. I am planning to go for a holiday over to my birthcountry , but I'm anxious . Maybe the best way is to not to let her know I'm coming ,or meet up with her somewhere else but in her place . Just a terrible woman she is .
My mom is a narc I think. Ghosts alot, will triangulate with my siblings. She at one point during a disagreement with my brother went to her room and had a gun in her hand ....... another time there was a stray dog on her property, she tied the dog up to a tree and left it to die.( I had visited her home and found the dog before it was too late)... she is VERY CONTROLLING, Very manipulative... I often wondered if she was a paranoid schizophrenic as she would come up with scenarios 8n her mind and truly believe it..... she is currently begging me to come take care of her in her old age with the promise of an inheritance....
Im just gonna say it. Expose your parents. Please, just do it. Tell the world of what they did to you. Make them feel what you felt. Make them known. I don't want the people in the comments to suffer anymore and all i ask is to simply spill. Make them aware of the fact that people know what they have done. Make. Them. Pay.
I've started life coaching as a side husstle. I do it from my bedroom. If it gets past 10 pm and I'm still talking my mom would enter the room and make me shut up in the middle of my practice. I tell her to not do it (like a little child would) and she replies to me 'I will keep on doing it'. I feel helpless.
Dude no offense but it sounds like you shouldn’t be a life coach. Think about it you’re not living the life you want to live with moving out of your parents house so how can you inspire your clients or even get your clients to pay you
@@imjustsayin34 you seem like you care. How would you go about moving out? I'm now working in marketing/data analysis. I believe with a pay raise I can move out comfortably enough. With my current salary I'm not confident I can move out. Do you sugest to speed that up somehow? I appreciate you input.
im 20 and have such a hard time with self identity because i was never able to do what i wanted to do or wear what i wanted when i was growing up and constantly being criticized by almost everything i did or didnt do always being compared to other kids and my cousins really took a toll on me and its so hard to let go of all that because im still being controlled by them because i currently live with them and have almost no freedom because of their dumb “my house my rules” bullshit. i cant wait to move out one day im so tired of them😔
I want to move out and away from my father but, my mother (the breadwinner) has become weaker after getting covid. I feel obligated to keep taking care of her but, my mental health is slowly deteriorating when I'm with my dad.
What happens when they ask for your oppinion and they open the door or dialog but in the end just want reasurence... so you just agree but GET ANGRY that you don`t have an opinion because is you give your opinion they tell you that you want to impose you opinion and an never ending cycle becomes... My proble is that my mom is a psycoanalist.. and it just becoumes very hard to put an end to things.
This happens to me every time till now I'm 31 I am not married but according to my mom all my friends are using me so it's been couple of years I don't have any contact with friends just to let her know I love her....
I have been dealing with specially my mother. Once I start to grow she wants 100 percent obedience and yes, including manipulation, lying, take what ever she wants without asking, and once i return from usa broke I am staying with my both parents, its elapses every three weeks which she gradually worst on how she treats me. She has to literaly ordering me around like her own personal maid from the moment her eyes open until down or sleep. Once she opens her eyes she will starting again. She will take all my clothings, properties, usa id, sosial security, passport, going to witch craft, lied that made my brother brought me to mental illness for muslim while I am devoted christian myself. Once she satisfied she will thame down the gradually the even is starting again, now including tantrum, scolding, angry, insulting, telling how perfect she is and how I need to be perfect. She would wake up first thing in the morning critize me on and on until she sleeps. She would wake up and say, you looks old your eyes, look at me how I still looks young, btw she is 73 years old. Never say thank you and use her finger ordering around, showing off how she over power me even we have company around. See, I never blame me of leaving the house when I was young. She manipulated my father, that he beaten me up until 1 week after I just remove myself from this house. In our culture and time when i grew up parents are okey to beaten up their children. The only way to heals was healing power from God Lord Jesus that makes me not bitter, although I know that once I found a job I have to be away from her. She is not well, I asked her what is wrong with you and who make you this way. Again she is just doesnt what to intropection or seek for help or at least find solution because she is right in everything she does, perfect human.
I am 43 years old. The first time I said to my mother "You are hurting me, can you please stop" I was probably in my mid 20's. I have tried telling her many times but she more or less ignores it or says "what dfid I say that is so terrinble? I'm trying to help you" or something along those lines. To be clear, the topic of conversation (any real conversation that I can tell she is actually interested in) is my life. The details of my life and my decisions are discussed in a joint counsel in which she examines the information I present in answer to her questions (which can range from general "what is new" to specific "how did this or that go or did you do this or that") and offers her advice/perspective. Sometimes this is followed by a request to perform this or that action or decision. The action of decision is later verified by voice phonecall. Solutions are proposed sometimes even without previous discussion or prompting. The format is "I've realized you need this or that" or "I've been thinking about such and such aspect of your life and here is what you need to do". I have stopped asking for mercy. When I have attempted to resist or argument my disagreement she sometimes is meekly pleading but usually becomes defensive: "Wy are you attacking me". I have come to unargumented refusaI and withdrawal and that is partially effective in that it generally brings forth a period of conciliatory agreeableness. I have come to see, however, that this does not really signify a change in the nature of the relationship, but a waiting period until the previous dynamic can be reintroduced. I am a human male and I love my mother. The guilt of doubting her intentions and my own position is ... significant. I have punched through walls in my apartment. I have screamed and thrown things (in private). The major turning points of my life have almost always been my mother's ideas. Same for our family life in general. THe extended family also benefits from the help and advice she offers. When I was in my adolescence, many teachers and other adults have seemed to believe that I showed great promise in general and talent in my proffession of choice which is art, however, I have become cripplingly inefficient in my daily life and hopelessly deficient in both meaningful romantic relationships and proffessional endeavors. The gift which has once lit my firmament has become somewhat of a spiked chair to which I am tied, allowing me to neither sit down nor get off. The "sinking feeling" of ineffectuality and apathy, the desire to escape, has been a feature of daily existence that extends back in memory many years and perhaps decades. At the current point it takes the form of sinking against the hard floor of whatever body of liquid or reservoir we are imagining in this metafor. Wish me luck, strangers.
what i know that is a message life put it in my journey to learn be educated and stronger . i know every single day it is hurt we are humen in the end . so please go outside from this suffering as a winner i and maybe you and we get a bad time with who we called parents they give us a terrible childhood anxiety trust issue . we should let all this go and be a good human look at them and wish that do not be that's worst in our future stay calm pashent cuz in some point everything will gonna end
Wow I feel that I can’t believe my mom is a lot like this thank you so much for this video I’m 13 and I’m gonna use this advice thank you sooo much I talk a lot about my parents with my friend and I’m definitely gonna send this video to her cause her parents are a little worst but yeah ❤️
I've decided to always say yes to them n then do my own opinion 😂 besides privacy is always a key if they don't know what you are willing to do they cant control it
I know its been a couple years sense this video was posted i hope you could reply am still a teen and i have years to go in this family i was wondering what's the safest option for me cause I dont want to get yelled at or make her to frustrated I just want to talk to my about how i cant get any privacy in life.
Dear Mandy, I'm so sorry to hear of such frustration in your home. Based on the information you've shared: I suggest to engage in extra activities and groups at school and as well as your studies. And activities over summer as well, of course. The more you can focus on your interests and your future, the better prepared you will be for your future once you are out of the home. You can speak of a desire for more privacy, in terms of growing up, the importance of having the tools and abilities to navigate the world on your own, etc. You can voice, but unfortunately it doesn't mean a controlling parent will hear your desire, please know. Focus on your abilities.........and let a controlling parent teach you how to be free of a need for his/her validation. Sending warmth and massive respect, Karuna
What if you have really loving parents. Can they still be considered controlling? I'm 30 years old, and I feel like everything you said matched my parents behavior towards me, except they are not violent. And I would absolutely consider them to be very loving and caring parents. And yet, I don't feel respected as a grown woman who needs to make her own life choices.
So what do u do if u bave two controlling parents as an adult? U dont have the financial means to leave atm, you DONT have any outside means of help( family. relatives, etc ) and the help provided TO leave u need them for? what then? and they use all the tactics u listed to ice u out or belittle u..
Thanks for viewing. So sorry to hear you have two controlling parents. Cultivate a circle of friends, go to classes, study, volunteer, read books, hang out in a community center or coffee house or in nature or somewhere as often as you can-for your own wellbeing and sanity. Continue to gain understanding, continue to plan for your future and your goals. Set your eye on an eventual departure and keep focusing on this goal, rather than getting caught up in their controlling tactics. Start to see their tactics as "boringly predictable," not in a condescending way, but rather in a "Wow, I can easily anticipate how they'll respond and it's all so predictable, because this is how controlling people act." It gives them a brittle and temporary sense of security and charges you less and less. Good luck, stay focused, and keep depersonalizing their desire for control!
@@thedoublek491 mine do aswell. They threaten to destroy things. It's like when you have a naughty 2 year old. But i am 27. And they go 'act like it' ..... but I do. I don't act like a 2 year old.... they are crazy
Exactly! I learned to just pay everything on my own, and never ask for any financial help, and just learned to budget on my own, and keep my finances private.
Also, sometimes they will try to hand out money/expensive gifts to make it seem like they are trying to make you feel happy/spoiled or whatever, but really, it's always tied to favors (later on), or something to gossip about later on to make you look awful for not wanting to do what they want.
Controlling parents deserve every ounce of pain they get when their adult offspring finally wake up to their abusive BS, and pull the plug on the relationship with them. These people truly disgust me!
@Mikhail Freidkin There is not one reason on this Earth that justifies abusive and controlling behavior from any parent. What happened to them in their past doesn't fly with me in dominating how they act TODAY. Especially, if they become substance abusers to exacerbate the problem.
I can’t wait till my junior year in high school! I currently live in Indiana, but since I wanna become a doctor, my mom said that I can move to my aunt’s house in Wyoming so I can get into medical school there. Only 3 1/2 more years....
i wish i could just remove myself from the situation and say “i’m gonna go” but i can’t even go for a walk by myself or go in my car or stay over at my friends, they restrict me so much i’m trapped. my room isn’t even a safe place for me anymore.
I was forced to babysit every single weekend my entire teen years so my parents knew where I was. I still have anxiety every single day over the abuse of my parents. I'm 50. I had to leave the country to feel like I could breath.
i just started walking out dont get me wrong i listen to her lecture then i walk out to "get air" and i do it before can say where u goin but yeah im tired every street ive moved on had times ive randomly came out crying and i wonder if my neighbors seen
Sorry to know this. In my case is opposite, old fogey would threaten to throw me out and i've illness, plain abuse. Don't be afraid, try to find social workers to deal with this. Since u have friends why not just walk off?
Literally what I did at 17. I slept in my car. I stayed at friends house. I never went back. I’m 34 now. I’m so glad I did that. I wish our “relationship” was different, but I can’t change that experience. I’m just so glad I left.
My parents are SO manipulative. Every time I try to do something they don’t like they guilt trip me and gang up on me. They make things up to make me look bad then when I try to defend myself they tell me I’m disrespectful. When I try to tell them that I’m hurt by their actions they make me feel dumb and dramatic. Idek what to do at this point.
Omg I just want to cry. This is exactly what I have been feeling allllll my life. And after a while I started thinking that maybe I am a problem child. But now that I’m 30, my adult mind is realizing that this is deeper than I thought.
I'm literally in tears because this is the first time in my 27 years of life that I feel someone finally understands what my experience has been and has articulated everything I've felt. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I once suggested to my mom that I was attracted to a cousin of mine and she started loudly screaming ''You are not going to turn gay!!! You are not going to do that to me!!!! etc.''
I literally cannot think for myself at 22 without overthinking EVERY little thing and the affects of my traumas are really starting to show. I move slower, react and think slower, even talk slower (because I’m used to just shutting up) my mother has noticed because I still live with her and practically had her doing everything for me. She’s like a grown baby throwing tantrums and yelling whenever I don’t “do something right” in other words, if I’m not moving how fast she wants me to. So embarrassing she even does it in public
@@JazzyjamjamI'm 29, male. 2 years ago,my father had a stroke and I've been struggling to be financially independent. I live with my parents with my mother being the controlling one. I'm literally slower in every aspect ,so much so that she has taken notice of this and I get nagged . I'm trying to break free and be independent but call it an uphill task is an understatement when my environment and people in it are so averse to my own growth
Sadly, hurt people hurt people. So unless our parents learn to heal from their experiences, they will continue to instill that same pain in their kids.
I am 46 years old and I still deal with my controlling mother. I have tried and tried all my life. She doesn't even realize how much she has affected me to this day.
@@jahzara_ I will keep you in my prayers. I know how hard it is. Please find support groups or somebody that you can talk to. If you need to talk to somebody you can talk to me. I am on facebook.
Keeping distance is the best advice, really. In my case, the relationship became better because the very difficult family events + being able to meet rarely. But even 12 years later I found myself in a situation when I am not supposed to have my own opinion. So due to the distance it seemed that it has changed but not really. Go live your life ❤️
I’m 26 and it’s gotten worse, my mom would secretly check me in my room without knocking, many times a day ( i don’t know what she is trying to catch me doing). And yeah, my room is not allowed to have locks.
I’m 18 and so desperate to move out of the house even with everything going on. I’ve only been quarantined with my parents for 2 months but they make me feel so inadequate and my step father acts like I’m not there and like I’m just in the way, I would literally do anything to move out so I’m probably gonna stay with my boyfriend for a while until everything gets better and I can start college and live in a dorm like normal
"Just in the way" is heartbreaking. Cheering you on, Camille, to forge your way, start college and create your life, one based in mutual respect, caring and love.
I've been stuck in my room for 3 months straight with no job. I went out to go see my boyfriend... I come back my mom pushes me into the wall with her shoulder just to ask me where I've been. I'm 21 years old!!! I'm not going no where but my boyfriend house, and I dont have tto tell you that I have a man. I been in a relationship for 3 years... no one knows about my boo.
Yuri User leave the house asap ! if they get aggressive with you then respond with agression. I swear i shoved my mom right off me and it felt really good and she was stunned and afraid. They only have power over you once you give them power.
My dad is aggressive when talking to me. He pretends like he going to hit me to scare me just because he didnt like what I was saying. I told him to stop talking to me that way. He said I was being disrespectful and that he didn't like the tone of voice I was using. I'm 22 years old and he still treats me as if I'm a child. It's exhausting having to always walk on eggshells waiting for the next criticism. I can tell him till I'm blue in the face not to talk to me in that manner. I tell him that I'm an adult and that I can do what I want to do without his say so. Then, he will tell me that he owns me and tells me how much he's providing for me. And manipulations me with money so I'll do what he asks. He's not willing to take responsibility for his actions and words. He loves to blame me or.my sister for way he treats us. He'll say " I wouldn't have yelled and cursed at you if had done this or that". I'm stuck at home with because of covid19 and I have onlineclasses. He wants me to clean the apartment by myself. I do so and he makes a huge mess. Then, he blames it on me saying that it's my mess. It's not because I hadn't been in the kitchen for hours and I clean up after myself. He complains about how I clean. Then, he says he wants to a wife to do all of the cooking and cleaning since I won't do it right. Nothing I do is go enough for him. I could do everything right and he'll still find something to complain about or criticize. I want to get to actually leave for good and not come back but, I feel guilty because I always feel like I owe him something because he "raised" me.
Your dad sounds exactly like my mom. :/ I’m so sorry your going through this, it’s helped me to honestly just isolate my self in my room and stay out the way. Things will get better after covid
I disagree with@@rorosaleh5613 It sounds like you're in school. If possible, do whatever you can to finish school. If it's unbearable, are there relatives or friends you can quarantine with? Also, whole industries are shut down right now, so jobs are hard to come by
My parents also are overly strict and treat me like im young as well. Even though when i was ACTUALLY a child and needed them the most, they emotionally were not providing for me. It's frustrating and hell on earth
As a 33 year old, finally getting it through their head that both parents are toxic and manipulative. i've made the desicion to pull away from them completely and re-learn to please myself with a more positive crowd so that i may live my life as *I* see fit, and not give myself anxiety attacks without worrying about their toxic examples All all others forced to deal with toxic and manipulative parents, you are not alone. A real family are the people you choose to keep close in your life, not the ones you're born and forced and abused into accepting their terrible behaviors at the expense of your self-love. Life's too short for that.
Same here my parents always criticize me and have said horrible things to me but now I have to go live with them temporarily leaving a toxic relationship my kok kept delaying things but at least with them I dont have to do strange favors for them.
@@unapologeticella4540 yea I had to move back in with my parents as well. The only difference is I have a child and I'm trying to get us out of the this toxic situation( mentally, emotionally and verbally) how my parents are is so deeply dysfunctionally rooted it's insane and I dont want my child having to see or go through the same thing I went and am still going through. The frustrating part is I dont know where to go especially now that we're going through a pandemic.
“A controlling parent is a toxic parent because they do not honor our basic desire for freedom. That’s a base desire and you are a sovereign soul with your own identity and your own skills. Because the controlling parent does not honor you as a sovereign free individual, it can be very depleting, develop low self identity, and indeed depression can follow.” Every one of us needs to jot her final quote into our journals to remind ourselves of this. It’s our basic human right to not be micro-controlled to the detriment of our self development and autonomy.
My parents do all three. I'm an only child adult so they have always made me feel responsible for their emotions and lashed out verbally and emotionally. They have read my diary when I was in 8th grade, told me that other children were nicer to their parents and that I have been ungrateful for their "love," talk down about my friends, play the victim when I set boundaries or voice that I don't like something, and the list goes on. I'm desperately trying to get away from them and contemplating cutting off the relationship.
My aunt read my diary too and made me feel for guilty for liking boys in my teenage years. Now whenever a guy approaches me, i become so rude or distant and can't control it, even if i like that guy
I am also an only child and I'm 30 and they still do manipulative things say harsh words and just don't get what I'm trying to do and downplay my relationship and the way I raise my son. I'm so hurt and it's an ongoing thing. Even though I don't live with them. I understand you truly. You are not alone in this.
My parents also read my diary and my letters to my friends and shamed me for being a normal teenager. When she said that they don't want us to grow up because they lose control over us, I could totally relate to that!
I'm an only child and 30 too and my parents are the same. They disguise abusive action as "concern" which makes dealing with them so stressful even if I live on the other side of the world from them. They still think I'm their "baby" and said that I'll understand when I become a parent myself. Tbh SO's mum has even said the actions are too much so it doesn't need me to be a parent to know their actions are not right.
I feel like I have to insulate my empathy whenever I talk to my mom because she takes absolutely everything personally. "You don't want to come to a party with 40 people during coronavirus?? How dare you disrespect me! *Crying* Now I have to cancel this party you said was a bad idea 3 weeks ago!!!" Everything is my fault, I am the guilty party at all times, I OWE her forever and ever, I am her reason for living and therefore must be available to her 24/7. The only way I can get through it is by being unfeeling while solemnly enforcing my boundaries. And I feel like doing this all the time has made me emotionally stunted.
Yikes. That is all. And, yes, boundaries. You're seeing this clearly, Susannah. And, you're bringing your emotions with you. You're on the right track.
She might have BPD. Sounds like my mom, I had to cut off ties. I feel for you. You have to chose yourself over them. They will not change unless they really want to.
Omg, somebody finally said that!!! Exactly how I feel everytime I talk to my mother.... and when she is trying to guilt-trip about how distant I am with her, I actually feel even less guilty cause I realize I am just saving myself from the nervous breakdown!!
This is my mum. I'm in my 30s now but she still seems to have the ability to manipulate my emotional state even now. I have so little confidence and my life has been plagued with severe mental health issues.
Unfortunately I have neurological problems that have forced me to move in with my parents more than once, exactly how my mom always wanted it -- me stuck living with her. I realize now how cruel she was to take advantage of my disability.
This is so true. My mother has been like this my whole life. As I was getting older I wanted to do more things on my own and be my own person and I would tell her that im not a kid when she would try to always control what I did and she would tell me that "im her kid". Im 42 and she's still the same. I don't want to say that I hate my mother but I hate what she has done to me throughout my life. I feel like she has brainwashed me as well as society has by always making women seem like they are always right and can do no wrong. My mother did a lot of damage. She actually still lives with me but im planning my move amd she will have to figure it out on her own. IM DONE
My mom is narcissist and controlling to the level you can’t imagine. I have been abused all my life and my dad is ok with it. I am 30 now. I have zero confidence and I feel I don’t have power over my own life. I’m never happy or at peace. I have been trained by them my whole life not to fight for my happiness or my own life. I don’t know a way to get out of it. And it will continue this way. I have tried to change. I wish everyday that I could just sleep and never wake up ever again. I wish I was brave enough to end everything at once.
Dear KS, Thank you for sharing and reaching out. Please: Speak with someone. There *are* people who care deeply and can support. In utter futility, it is possible to shift. Also, I'm offering a new weekly online program beginning 6 June (see my community tab for details). Perhaps you would like to join a group of people who understand? Sending massive respect.
I started reading and studying about Complex PTSD and binge watching TH-cam videos on narcissism, 'covert' narcissism and toxic people in general. This was a huge eye opener for me. I also did some work in codependency and am well on my way to healing, but unfortunately it takes work. We can only change ourselves. My mother is a covert and my father was more of an overt narcissist, so I was really a mess. There is light at the end of the tunnel once you begin to understand the patterns.
my parents get super controlling when they see that i’m struggling in life and instead of asking me what i need they come up with a criteria for me to meet and if i don’t meet whatever standards they set for me they get even more controlling. they claim they know what’s best for me and that i don’t know what’s best for me because i’m still growing. every time i give in and do my very best to do whatever they want they’re happy, but then i make a tiny mistake and they flip out and make me feel like it’s my fault. There’s also a MAJOR double standard for me and my brother. he can do whatever, whenever with absolutely nothing said by my parents but when i do the smallest thing they’re quick to give their input in a mean way. i’m really hurting and i have no one to talk to
There is a book that reminds me of this: "controlling people" by patricia evans. It is life saving. I am so grateful this knowledge is spreading. After being raised by controllers, I finally realize I am my own person and I decide what I do with my life. I highly recommend the book!
How do you get your parents to let you be independent instead of not letting you go anywhere, not even with your friends? 😕it’s so hard because I can’t ever go out so i lose a lot of friends and now i just have social anxiety because everybody leaves me because i can’t hangout with them
This was a great video! I am 62 and in my 50s, I had finally just had enough of being controlled and manipulated by my controlling parent and a controlling sibling. Unfortunately, my husband had the same experience in his family. We realized many of the tactics you shared for survival and practiced them all but unfortunately for us, both sides became more resentful and more hurtful. In the end, the limited contact had to become no contact. I grieved for years until one day I realized how much peace we had and that I never wanted to go back to the pain. There was no amount of love, kindness, consideration, etc. that we could give that would allow us any room to be ourselves and be respected. Even now, many, many years later, we hear on occasion from some friend of the family that at family gatherings, we are the butt of all of the jokes and they are cruel jokes. They are playing "old tapes" of things that happened even 50 years ago making fun of us and they continue to make up lies about us when none of them know anything about us. We have so much peace and love in our home. I now guard our peace with all my being. We are very happy and content with our little nucleus family - away from all the abuse.
Everything I've ever wanted to do was shut down by my mother. I didn't have help in school. I didn't graduate. Didn't get my license. Didn't get to socialize. Didn't even get a job. Just wasted away in my room for years. I'm finally able to move out, and she has to judge that and put it down too. Sorry mom, you can't lock me away anymore. 👋
I am 17 years old about to be 18 and my mother still treats me like a child, tries controlling who my friends are, my relationship with my boyfriend and what clothes to wear. It’s overwhelming, I try to express myself and she yells at me. It got to the point where now whenever someone asks me a question I’m starting to be defensive when it isn’t that way at all. Its sad how much she thinks I’m a robot and not a soul. She thinks materialistic things will win me over but honestly I prefer love and affection over materialistic things.
I'm 24, and my family still does this. I come over to clean the house for them because they're physically and mentally disabled. She has cancer and just had major surgery so I come down to help, I share how excited I am to make friends for this internship I'm going to do the volunteering I want to do and how I want to go to a concert and I get told off, I won't have the money for that, I'll get raped, I have no friends to go with me.
After watching this video and crying so much, as a 26 year old with controlling and emotionally abusive parents I think its time for me to move out. My dad has constantly threatened me that he was going to kick me out if I ever stayed a night at my bf house again...well so be it.
Did you move? My dad also constantly call me a financial burden and tell me to **** off if I do not act like he wants me to. He pay my studies ( i cant afford it and cant do it part time) and use it to control my life now. If I did know things will not get better, would have not studied and just got a job and move out .
I'm 27 and have got a job still can't get away from them. I have lost so many years of my life because of their quarrels and divorce. Now I'm losing rest of it because my mom is controlling and I can't disobey her or it will HURT her even more. I have a brother but he is off somewhere and left me behind with our parents to deal with. And losing my mind with each day
Wow this is amazing.... I was already isolating far from my mom because I felt like this was the right choice.... somehow this feels like healing from a heartbeat. I always want to go back to her and tell her how much I love her and I’m sorry for not doing what she wants me to do all the time... but it’s true she’s a toxic controlling parents and this video made me realize that, thank you so much
Thank you for your comments. Sending lots of support your way, Julissa. I'm glad this video helps lift the fog of confusion. Good luck to you.....highly differentiated and loving individuals are also whole individuals.....
I'm 21 and my mom is the typical helicopter parent, she wants to know everything about my life, I'm not allowed to hang out with friends often, am not allowed to learn driving, and she even overfeeds me when I tell her not to, she questions the modesty of my clothes and barrages me with facts about how bad the world is and she nags a lot. I might burst.
Every time we fight I think of various ways I can leave this world. She just hurts my feelings so bad by talking purposely about certain traumas I went through, opening up deep wounds it just breaks my heart into pieces.
dont let her do that to you please !you wernt put on earth to fill her voids .you have your own purpose . Ive been there so many times and now im so glad to be here . Im worthy and wonderful and so are you . dont let someone elses actions or words define your existence in this world.
I’m 15 and my dad always speaks to me aggressively, he always takes things away from me for no reason at all if I ever try to argue back he pretends to go hit me to make me flinch I’ve told him to stop and he doesn’t listen he speaks to me as if I am a piece of dirt.
im 33 years old, completely chained to my parents, and made to submit daily. help me! im also a cancer survivor and my legt side of my body is weak so im unable to be independent and get space. help, please!
Im no expert but finding a support system is probably the best way out of there. Reach out to extended family or other friends and tell them what your dealing with
Trust me, you are not alone. The worse part is when no one else understands or gets what your going through...and that's hard. Stay strong and positive
I literally don’t know how much longer I can deal with my mom. She doesn’t realize that mentally she’s destroying me. She won’t break me I won’t give up. It’s just really freaking hard to push through right now.
@@ashtonharper6544 im age 28 male and my mom curses me and threatens to kick me out even though im not financially independent yet. She said she doesnt care if i will be homeless. She spits in my face, prays for god to punish me in hell, calls me any curse word you wouldnt curse your worst enemy with. Also pushes me and punches me.
im age 28 male and my mom curses me and threatens to kick me out even though im not financially independent yet. She said she doesnt care if i will be homeless. She spits in my face, prays for god to punish me in hell, calls me any curse word you wouldnt curse your worst enemy with. Also pushes me and punches me. She says im balding no gf still not financially independent that i should just become a homeless person. That im a lost cause etc
@@gingfreecss3467 Get a job, go get a place to live and let her watch you blossom 🌸. Don't feel you have to be in this position you can easily change your living ways if you want too. Good luck in getting the hell out there!
Controlling parents are a challenge as they are more interested in and blinded by their control than in relationship with their own child. To them: The relationship is through control and their "rightness." As example: Since release of this video and as of this writing, I have had just *one* controlling parent reach out to me asking for support, seeking to better understand and repair the relationship with a daughter. However, the child who is being controlled reaches out to me for support through sessions often. Plus, look at the comments: Filled with people who are at the dysfunctional receiving end of the control. Are any parents in the comments sharing, "Wow, I don't want to have control issues any more and I really want a great relationship with my child. What do I do?" Nope. What is to be done? Keep seeing the tendencies of a controlling person and, also, develop your own strategies so you aren't "hooked" by the controlling parent. If you get hooked, they take you down with them and then have "reason" (they think in their twisted mind) to blame you and make you wrong. They'll even say their own child is unbalanced! Well, if you live with a controlling person for a long period of time, you become unbalanced like they are, but in a much different way: You become unsure and hypervigilant and anxious and angry inside and can have low self worth. Sheesh. See if for what it is, not in a way that's "hopeful" (that one day the controlling parent will change and love you for the joy of love itself). While I never say never, it is highly unlikely. Keep your heart alive and live in alignment with your authentic self and inner wisdom. Sending massive support and respect to you, Karuna
I just get P/O and start yelling back till I get my point across. If that doesn’t work then I don’t do anything around the house till she gets my point. I really dislike my mother. Calls her grandma kids her kids it’s like geez thanks mom
I had insomnia and was having a really bad anxiety attack it was super late so I called my friend over the phone in the morning I was to tired and felt paralyzed my mother got mad at me and said insomnia isn't real she took my phone away and I had another one I didn't know what to do so I was just there crying and shaking looking dumb
Do you offer online sessions 1/1?
Thank you for viewing. Yes, I offer online sessions. Hereʻs my site for info: www.hubfortheheart.com. To book, send an email to: info@hubfortheheart.com. Feel free to share a bit about your situation and remember to let me know your time zone for scheduling, too. Thanks for being in touch. I look forward to hearing from you. Karuna
I'm 22 and I still get anxiety over how my mom will react to literally ANYTHING I do that I know she won't like.
That's her problem. Not yours. Be clear of this. Continue to get educated and allow her reactions to remind you to pursue your interests, skills, freedom. Good luck. Massive respect.
Exactly this.. I’m 24 and this is the definition of my relationship with my mom.
@@littlewoman2214 Same
Get out! I left at your age abd couldn't get away. So at 23 I flew to another country and still couldn't escape because they went through family friends and extended family.
But the longer you leave it, the later the fight ends. They are really terrible people.
They keep following me around everywhere I go. Don't know what to do actually...
@@sahanar9163 same! I left to another country and they still followed me around with extended family members and friends of family. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I mean, I have good career skills now so that's cool.
As soon as you try to move away and distance yourself from their disresprect, they start yelling, screaming and shouting: COME BACK!
Yeaah, because they want a punching bag for their control and narcissistic tendencies. Pathetic....
Yep. If you move out the parent can no longer control you. I'm nearly 40 and I moved back in with my parents to help them out financially. What a mistake! I tried moving out but my mother convinced me to stay. Another mistake. This time I'm not letting her convince me to stay. I'm going. I'll work extra and send her money.
@@AudraT do not send her money .. specially if you are not an only child... let her dry ...
I feel sick and depressed because of my mother
and perhaps they dont even intend to cause such emotions. Our issues may be different but the effects are the same.
Cutting contact with my parents was difficult but worth doing. I don't regret it for a second.
@@SG-jg3be how did you deal with it I’m turning 14 and wanna leave really bad but I can’t my mom is such a negative person and controlling and toxic idk what to do!
My whole family is the reason why I’m depressed I wish I distance myself from them
If you think it might help, you could write her an email explaining exactly what you're upset with her for doing. She'll probably just get defensive, but at least you'll get it off your chest, and deep down she'll know you're right.
I've talked to numerous people who regret not telling their parents what they wanted to before it was too late.
It’s just so annoying, I’m 15 turning 16 soon. But I get treated like a 8 year old. I can’t do the things I want to do, like go outside, hang out with my friends(before COVID), etc. they also invade my privacy. And every time I talk about basketball or tik tok. My mom says “why won’t you do this in school, and talk about school more”. It triggers me. My friends have chill parents and everything. When you have controlling parents, it seems like your friends are living the fullest, and you just behind a fence :(
Bro were literally the same person
Things will be better when you move away. Start saving up for college now (if you want, if that’s possible). When I was a teenager my mom did that to me and it affected my self esteem. Know that even though you’re not thriving now that you absolutely have the potential to be successful and love life and remember that it’s not your always fault when things aren’t going the way you want. As much as you can don’t let anyone break your spirit.
i can’t even have instagram or ANY form of communicating with others and making new friends. when i’m on xbox or on an online game or something related to that he claims i have to talk to my friends from
school only.
Im almost 21 and my parent are like that
I feel that, I'm 15 and I know what I want in life, I have plans to leave after I graduate highschool, all my friends are going out and doing things, and I'm just stuck
All this time i thought something is wrong with me. i am 20 and tired of this i am still living under their roof. i cant even go out with friends, i always have to ask and i always get a lecture beofre i could never go freely. i feel so alone and stifled but at the same time i dont wanna disrespect them so i just stay there and listen to what they have to say and dont say a word because i am always wrong
Jada Love I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Nothing is wrong with you. I’m sorry you feel alone and trapped. That sounds so very difficult to deal with.
@@MeenaAdnani thanks alot but I'm still trying to understand
@@Kira-rm2jk sigh yh it is tbh
First step you MUST rebel or that cycle will never be cut.
im in the same page. Im 20 years old when she beats me i beat back. when she critisizes i critisize a whole lot. when she demands to take my phone i say a big loud NO and if it gets aggressive then i respond with aggression. Right now im leaving the house. You need to have lot of money or live with someone you trust.
I haven't spoken to my parents in 3 years. I was brought up on a diet of manipulation, gaslighting, happiness sabotaging, put downs, guilt tripping, shaming, lies and control. It was hard to stomach after a while and I became sick with anxiety, OCD and depression. I'm doing really well now and would recommend no contact.
i hope you are well now but definitely leaving your parent with no regrets
I deserve a better father.
just be your own parent, and get your own life, find a good friend if possible or needed
Glad you're doing better. My childhood and relationship with my parents was the same way. I have bipolar disorder and CPTSD because of it. Therapy has been very helpful along with the medication I'm on.
This is how I feel with my dad... it’s to the point where I’m struggling mentally now
Same
I've made a new video that takes the burden off of you trying to get through to your parents. Send this to them:
th-cam.com/video/Nwva0s1B-aE/w-d-xo.html
If this doesn't get through, I'll next post a Come to Jesus vid on your behalf. Let me know how this goes.
x Karuna
I'll never go back, thank you for your teachings. Very healing. No-contact is the only answer to when it gets life-threatening.
Wow this exactly my mom and dad. Her reason for being controlling is because she cares about me, but I constantly get accused of doing drugs and being promiscuous and I'm not allowed to be friends who have tattoos or dreadlocks because they are deemed presentable. I really can't do this anymore it's so suffocating, I plan to move out and focus on healing from them.
Someone who cares about you wouldn’t treat you like THAT
My mom cares about me so much that she feels the need to randomly and secretly check me in my bedroom at least 2 times a night, (I’m not sure what’s she’s expecting to catch me doing).
Oh and yeah I’m not allowed to have locks on my doors of course. So every time I’m changing clothes, I pray to god she won’t open the door coz she ain’t knocking first dawg, she constantly trying to “catch” me doing sth bad. Oh and forget about social life, I can’t even exist freely in my own bedroom
I am breaking with tears ,Idk how to thank this women much!!! she is a life saver 🖤🖤
Holy shit this is my entire life with my mother. In EMDR therapy I had an awakening that shook me to my core. I for the first time could see my mother's toxicity and the role it played in my trauma. I thought it was all my dad my whole life because he was the one yelling all the time. Now I see how awful she treated him. I felt like I was responsible for her emotional wellbeing. I excused everything. She did a good job making me feel sorry for her life with my dad. She is so threatened by me now that I have gotten to a healthy place in my healing journey. She loved me more when I was lost and addicted to alcohol. She hates that I'm confident. She is offended when I talk about finally learning about my late diagnosed ADHD and how the education has completely changed my life because I finally understand my brain so I'm confident and I love myself and I don't feed into her shit....Well I do sometimes. She told me that talking about my ADHD is annoying. I'm heartbroken at realizing that she doesn't like the "me" that I have finally found.
I just never would have used the word "controlling" but how you describe it is exactly my mom. She just kinda stopped caring to be a mom at the point she realized I would never be what she wanted me to be. I have always felt uneasy around her, but I always just thought she was a bad conversationalist. No, she just doesn't like what I have to say. She gets offended if I tell her something new I learned about plants (which is her expertise) whth "I KNOW THAT".. she has no ideas how to not be defensive.
Thank you very much! My mom was so controlling it was abusive. I was not allowed to drive! I became disabled and couldn’t find a job to fit my limits but if I could have driven I could have worked. In stead of assisting me with this she blocked this with every excuse as to why I couldn’t drive. She resented my being financially dependent on her yet wanted to control so many aspects of my life and enjoyed infantilizing me by telling me how to dress, do my hair, make up, washing my clothes, pressuring my boyfriend to marry me which was one of the reasons he broke up with me and left me devastated. I married someone who was terrible for me simply because he offered to provide driving lessons and a car. When I went back to college she told me I was too old and that I couldn’t complete it. When I graduated she didn’t seem as happy for me as one would expect. I am a failure in her eyes. But when I confronted her about this she said that “I could do anything” yet when I tried to pursue my goals she always tried to shut them down or didn’t support them. As a high school student I was a vocalist and I won all 7 events in our district UIL vocal competitions and 6 out of 7 in our UIL state competitions. I studied opera in college yet she said that I was not good enough to pursue a career in opera because I didn’t sing loud enough. So I showed how loud I could sing and of course it was too loud. She is gone now and I have complex feelings, I’m not sure I fully miss her except on holidays because she made those special. I know she was abused by her mother and my father and she didn’t get the help that she needed. But I’m the one with the screwed up life and unfulfilled potential and dreams. At my age - 50+ being a beginner opera singer is not something the opera world will accept, so I have no options and the popular music world only wants teens or people in their twenties who fit into the DEI quota and seniors not part of that population. So where does this leave me? This leaves me with nothing! Unfulfilled potential, goals and dreams, complex PTSD and a shattered soul!
Ohh god..why am i crying ...i dont know what to do..i m just so tired with my parents... i mean they are loving but when it comes to my identity..me being me...they just want things to go their way...like why...am i not a human...
Thank you so much. This video was very helpful and i feel like my feelings are validated. My father is extremely religious and conservative he raised me to obey him then get married and obey my husband which never happened. I’ve been away for him for 8 years now but my scars never healed. Im considering therapy.
With narcissistic parents they love draining emotion from you so saying “your words hurt me” might just feed into it.
im also 33 years old but constantly spoken to like im 3. then when i react defensively she says she talks to me like an adult and i reply like a kid ugh
I lost my mom and currently living with my grandmother and whatever fast forward I’ll try to talk about my future and everytime i mention about getting my own place and how I’m going to decorate she puts me down saying the world might not be here any longer so we may as well stay together or there’s no point & so many excuses but it’s nothing like having your own I feel like mushed and smothered or don’t have any freedom as if I can’t have time to my self you know like want to be alone by myself and vibe alone old.
This is incredibly helpful! Thank you
So i dont really know if you'd call this "controlling" or "narcissistic" but when i was in 3rd grade my mother pulled me out of school and put me in homeschool. I very vividly remember the first day of homeschool and her telling me "you dont need to learn any of this. None of this stuff is necessary for you so just copy the answer book". So i did that till 6th grade. By 6th grade i started to compare myself to my friends and realized how behind i was and started asking my parents to actually teach me. I dont think my dad was aware of how she had been "teaching" me and got very angry and irate with me when i wouldn't easily understand things. He'd compare me to my cousins who were extremely smart and were in accelerate classes. I was constantly disciplined for not understanding. My self esteem was hardly existant and i had debilitating anxiety. With my mom, she basically did everything for me and even if i would fight and demand her to teach me she would call me "a bad horrible child who doesn't appreciate her" instead of teaching me. I started to believe that. "Im not smart and its my fault because im inherently bad and dont deserve to be smart" was something i remember thinking on a daily basis. I would try to be my own person, spend more time not at home and with friends and learn things for myself by reading a lot but she would always get upset and either give me the slinet treatment or lie to my dad about me doing something bad so i will get punished. The moment i was a teenager and realized what i wanted to do with my live, it became worse because what i wanted was contrary to what she wanted which was for me need and rely on her for my whole life. I really started to resent my mother from withholding education from me. I wanted to be independent and do things for myself but she went out of her way to do things for me. By high school i had tried my best of teach myself but i really struggled, was forever playing catch up and by then had horrible depression and anxiety. My parents also didn't want to teach me how to drive or how to look for jobs because "we can take you where you need to go and give you money". Of course i fought it and had my friends parents teach me. Everything i learned about how to be a competent adult came from the internet or friends parents. But my self esteem is still non existent. Im 23 and still live at home mainly because I've developed this fear that maybe they are right and maybe im not good enough to take care of myself. Part of me fights it and part of me believes it. Now my mom is sick with stage 4 cancer and though i have 7 other siblings who can help, i basically do everything. I feel like im never going to be my own person
Quite a broad brush that you paint with, leaving little room for parenting a child.
I’m still a minor and my parents try to threaten me by saying “ our relationship is a dictatorship”. Then I kid you not they laugh and try to make us ( my siblings and I) seem like we’ve got it all wrong and that we’re being disrespectful for telling them our relationship should be a democracy.
Thank you for this video!! Much appreciated 🙏🏼
Very accurate. "'Normal jobs' start are 8-5. You're never going to land a job if you're sleeping all day. Naps are not acceptable." After he runs the garbage disposal at 6:30a directly over me, I most certainly am not sleeping all day! His manipulation tactics (removing my choices) don't work on me any more, so he's going after my basic needs. The silent treatment is a GIFT! lol
These kinds of parents think that their kids have a duty to them. They expect that their kids will take care of them and wait on them hand and foot in their old age. If the kids have any sense theýll get as far away from their parents as possible and not fall into the trap of feeling obliged to care for an obnoxious elderly parent.
I can relate to everything you said. My mom & brother are extremely controlling. I wish I had means to move out & limit contact with them. Im almost 40 & they treat me like Im some kid who cant think. Im always on my feet & help out with housework but I just dont feel appreciated at all!😢
Love what u said.. it is exactly what u said. Thank you toooo much
I'm of my father, he makes me sick. I studied Law and he is now forcing me to practice it, insulting me and calling me spoilt for wanting to do a qualification that will make me move from law
Very helpful. I’m taking the walking away approach for now
Crazy, my life to a capital T!!! Thank you so much for this channel, and explaining exactly what's going on and why, and how to heal/fix them!!!! This explanation is the most precise and realistic I have ever heard. Thank you very much!!! I will be binge watching your videos! ;)
Welcome & glad you appreciate my channel. I explain and describe dynamics so that we no longer take things personally and further shame ourselves. Once we can see what's going on with a wide angle lens, we can, indeed, proceed with our responsibility of becoming healthy and well. Becoming better in ourselves, yet not making ourselves "better" than others..... Thanks again for viewing.
Exactly that's the way my mother is like . Controlling . She does not respect me as an individual . I gave her chances after chances , she never changes . Just can't deal with it . I blocked her on FB ,and I don't talk to her much . Limiting my contact with her . Impossible to deal with her. I am planning to go for a holiday over to my birthcountry , but I'm anxious . Maybe the best way is to not to let her know I'm coming ,or meet up with her somewhere else but in her place . Just a terrible woman she is .
My mom is a narc I think. Ghosts alot, will triangulate with my siblings. She at one point during a disagreement with my brother went to her room and had a gun in her hand ....... another time there was a stray dog on her property, she tied the dog up to a tree and left it to die.( I had visited her home and found the dog before it was too late)... she is VERY CONTROLLING, Very manipulative... I often wondered if she was a paranoid schizophrenic as she would come up with scenarios 8n her mind and truly believe it..... she is currently begging me to come take care of her in her old age with the promise of an inheritance....
Im just gonna say it. Expose your parents. Please, just do it. Tell the world of what they did to you. Make them feel what you felt. Make them known. I don't want the people in the comments to suffer anymore and all i ask is to simply spill. Make them aware of the fact that people know what they have done. Make. Them. Pay.
I really tried to express my feelings in one moment but I just couldn't do it! Maybe I'll find some other opportunity sometime
I've started life coaching as a side husstle. I do it from my bedroom. If it gets past 10 pm and I'm still talking my mom would enter the room and make me shut up in the middle of my practice. I tell her to not do it (like a little child would) and she replies to me 'I will keep on doing it'. I feel helpless.
Dude no offense but it sounds like you shouldn’t be a life coach. Think about it you’re not living the life you want to live with moving out of your parents house so how can you inspire your clients or even get your clients to pay you
@@imjustsayin34 you seem like you care. How would you go about moving out? I'm now working in marketing/data analysis. I believe with a pay raise I can move out comfortably enough. With my current salary I'm not confident I can move out. Do you sugest to speed that up somehow? I appreciate you input.
im 20 and have such a hard time with self identity because i was never able to do what i wanted to do or wear what i wanted when i was growing up and constantly being criticized by almost everything i did or didnt do always being compared to other kids and my cousins really took a toll on me and its so hard to let go of all that because im still being controlled by them because i currently live with them and have almost no freedom because of their dumb “my house my rules” bullshit. i cant wait to move out one day im so tired of them😔
I want to move out and away from my father but, my mother (the breadwinner) has become weaker after getting covid. I feel obligated to keep taking care of her but, my mental health is slowly deteriorating when I'm with my dad.
What happens when they ask for your oppinion and they open the door or dialog but in the end just want reasurence... so you just agree but GET ANGRY that you don`t have an opinion because is you give your opinion they tell you that you want to impose you opinion and an never ending cycle becomes... My proble is that my mom is a psycoanalist.. and it just becoumes very hard to put an end to things.
This happens to me every time till now I'm 31 I am not married but according to my mom all my friends are using me so it's been couple of years I don't have any contact with friends just to let her know I love her....
That's a parent who is a narcissist. Best way to deal is break contact with them if you are an adult.
I have been dealing with specially my mother. Once I start to grow she wants 100 percent obedience and yes, including manipulation, lying, take what ever she wants without asking, and once i return from usa broke I am staying with my both parents, its elapses every three weeks which she gradually worst on how she treats me. She has to literaly ordering me around like her own personal maid from the moment her eyes open until down or sleep. Once she opens her eyes she will starting again. She will take all my clothings, properties, usa id, sosial security, passport, going to witch craft, lied that made my brother brought me to mental illness for muslim while I am devoted christian myself. Once she satisfied she will thame down the gradually the even is starting again, now including tantrum, scolding, angry, insulting, telling how perfect she is and how I need to be perfect. She would wake up first thing in the morning critize me on and on until she sleeps. She would wake up and say, you looks old your eyes, look at me how I still looks young, btw she is 73 years old. Never say thank you and use her finger ordering around, showing off how she over power me even we have company around. See, I never blame me of leaving the house when I was young. She manipulated my father, that he beaten me up until 1 week after I just remove myself from this house. In our culture and time when i grew up parents are okey to beaten up their children. The only way to heals was healing power from God Lord Jesus that makes me not bitter, although I know that once I found a job I have to be away from her. She is not well, I asked her what is wrong with you and who make you this way. Again she is just doesnt what to intropection or seek for help or at least find solution because she is right in everything she does, perfect human.
I am 43 years old. The first time I said to my mother "You are hurting me, can you please stop" I was probably in my mid 20's. I have tried telling her many times but she more or less ignores it or says "what dfid I say that is so terrinble? I'm trying to help you" or something along those lines. To be clear, the topic of conversation (any real conversation that I can tell she is actually interested in) is my life. The details of my life and my decisions are discussed in a joint counsel in which she examines the information I present in answer to her questions (which can range from general "what is new" to specific "how did this or that go or did you do this or that") and offers her advice/perspective. Sometimes this is followed by a request to perform this or that action or decision. The action of decision is later verified by voice phonecall. Solutions are proposed sometimes even without previous discussion or prompting. The format is "I've realized you need this or that" or "I've been thinking about such and such aspect of your life and here is what you need to do". I have stopped asking for mercy. When I have attempted to resist or argument my disagreement she sometimes is meekly pleading but usually becomes defensive: "Wy are you attacking me". I have come to unargumented refusaI and withdrawal and that is partially effective in that it generally brings forth a period of conciliatory agreeableness. I have come to see, however, that this does not really signify a change in the nature of the relationship, but a waiting period until the previous dynamic can be reintroduced. I am a human male and I love my mother. The guilt of doubting her intentions and my own position is ... significant. I have punched through walls in my apartment. I have screamed and thrown things (in private). The major turning points of my life have almost always been my mother's ideas. Same for our family life in general. THe extended family also benefits from the help and advice she offers. When I was in my adolescence, many teachers and other adults have seemed to believe that I showed great promise in general and talent in my proffession of choice which is art, however, I have become cripplingly inefficient in my daily life and hopelessly deficient in both meaningful romantic relationships and proffessional endeavors. The gift which has once lit my firmament has become somewhat of a spiked chair to which I am tied, allowing me to neither sit down nor get off. The "sinking feeling" of ineffectuality and apathy, the desire to escape, has been a feature of daily existence that extends back in memory many years and perhaps decades. At the current point it takes the form of sinking against the hard floor of whatever body of liquid or reservoir we are imagining in this metafor. Wish me luck, strangers.
what i know that is a message life put it in my journey to learn be educated and stronger . i know every single day it is hurt we are humen in the end . so please go outside from this suffering as a winner i and maybe you and we get a bad time with who we called parents they give us a terrible childhood anxiety trust issue . we should let all this go and be a good human look at them and wish that do not be that's worst in our future stay calm pashent cuz in some point everything will gonna end
I had a lot of disrespect, no listening , had to go no contact and wish I'd done it earlier
I'm planning to move out in the next year because I'm 23 and they still treat me like I'm a teenager.
Wow I feel that I can’t believe my mom is a lot like this thank you so much for this video I’m 13 and I’m gonna use this advice thank you sooo much I talk a lot about my parents with my friend and I’m definitely gonna send this video to her cause her parents are a little worst but yeah ❤️
I've decided to always say yes to them n then do my own opinion 😂 besides privacy is always a key if they don't know what you are willing to do they cant control it
I know its been a couple years sense this video was posted i hope you could reply am still a teen and i have years to go in this family i was wondering what's the safest option for me cause I dont want to get yelled at or make her to frustrated I just want to talk to my about how i cant get any privacy in life.
Dear Mandy, I'm so sorry to hear of such frustration in your home. Based on the information you've shared: I suggest to engage in extra activities and groups at school and as well as your studies. And activities over summer as well, of course. The more you can focus on your interests and your future, the better prepared you will be for your future once you are out of the home. You can speak of a desire for more privacy, in terms of growing up, the importance of having the tools and abilities to navigate the world on your own, etc. You can voice, but unfortunately it doesn't mean a controlling parent will hear your desire, please know. Focus on your abilities.........and let a controlling parent teach you how to be free of a need for his/her validation. Sending warmth and massive respect, Karuna
What if you have really loving parents. Can they still be considered controlling? I'm 30 years old, and I feel like everything you said matched my parents behavior towards me, except they are not violent. And I would absolutely consider them to be very loving and caring parents. And yet, I don't feel respected as a grown woman who needs to make her own life choices.
So what do u do if u bave two controlling parents as an adult? U dont have the financial means to leave atm, you DONT have any outside means of help( family. relatives, etc ) and the help provided TO leave u need them for? what then? and they use all the tactics u listed to ice u out or belittle u..
Thanks for viewing. So sorry to hear you have two controlling parents.
Cultivate a circle of friends, go to classes, study, volunteer, read books, hang out in a community center or coffee house or in nature or somewhere as often as you can-for your own wellbeing and sanity. Continue to gain understanding, continue to plan for your future and your goals. Set your eye on an eventual departure and keep focusing on this goal, rather than getting caught up in their controlling tactics. Start to see their tactics as "boringly predictable," not in a condescending way, but rather in a "Wow, I can easily anticipate how they'll respond and it's all so predictable, because this is how controlling people act." It gives them a brittle and temporary sense of security and charges you less and less. Good luck, stay focused, and keep depersonalizing their desire for control!
Controlling people love to use money as a weapon.
Eugene Ax my parents threaten to throw away my things
They buy plane tickets. It sucks
@@thedoublek491 mine do aswell. They threaten to destroy things. It's like when you have a naughty 2 year old. But i am 27. And they go 'act like it' ..... but I do. I don't act like a 2 year old.... they are crazy
Exactly! I learned to just pay everything on my own, and never ask for any financial help, and just learned to budget on my own, and keep my finances private.
Also, sometimes they will try to hand out money/expensive gifts to make it seem like they are trying to make you feel happy/spoiled or whatever, but really, it's always tied to favors (later on), or something to gossip about later on to make you look awful for not wanting to do what they want.
Controlling parents deserve every ounce of pain they get when their adult offspring finally wake up to their abusive BS, and pull the plug on the relationship with them. These people truly disgust me!
I agree
@Mikhail Freidkin There is not one reason on this Earth that justifies abusive and controlling behavior from any parent. What happened to them in their past doesn't fly with me in dominating how they act TODAY. Especially, if they become substance abusers to exacerbate the problem.
Yep they suck
That's exactly what I'm planning to do when I grow up and get a job :))))
I can’t wait till my junior year in high school! I currently live in Indiana, but since I wanna become a doctor, my mom said that I can move to my aunt’s house in Wyoming so I can get into medical school there. Only 3 1/2 more years....
We need to do better when we become parents. The cycle must break.
I promise I will let my children live freely
Amen
Amen 🙏🏼✨
im not gonna have kids
Hm its better that we dun keep procreating esp if genetic mental probs, world alr too packed. Not responsible of us to keep wrecking nature
i wish i could just remove myself from the situation and say “i’m gonna go” but i can’t even go for a walk by myself or go in my car or stay over at my friends, they restrict me so much i’m trapped. my room isn’t even a safe place for me anymore.
I was forced to babysit every single weekend my entire teen years so my parents knew where I was. I still have anxiety every single day over the abuse of my parents. I'm 50. I had to leave the country to feel like I could breath.
Same...
Jane Pedersen I feel u
i just started walking out dont get me wrong i listen to her lecture then i walk out to "get air" and i do it before can say where u goin but yeah im tired every street ive moved on had times ive randomly came out crying and i wonder if my neighbors seen
Sorry to know this. In my case is opposite, old fogey would threaten to throw me out and i've illness, plain abuse. Don't be afraid, try to find social workers to deal with this. Since u have friends why not just walk off?
Strategy #1 Run. Never look back.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Literally what I did at 17. I slept in my car. I stayed at friends house. I never went back. I’m 34 now. I’m so glad I did that. I wish our “relationship” was different, but I can’t change that experience. I’m just so glad I left.
I wish i could
Yup!!!
Yes.
My parents are SO manipulative. Every time I try to do something they don’t like they guilt trip me and gang up on me. They make things up to make me look bad then when I try to defend myself they tell me I’m disrespectful. When I try to tell them that I’m hurt by their actions they make me feel dumb and dramatic. Idek what to do at this point.
I feel u it's never their fault always yours
Same..
Omg I just want to cry. This is exactly what I have been feeling allllll my life. And after a while I started thinking that maybe I am a problem child. But now that I’m 30, my adult mind is realizing that this is deeper than I thought.
You leave 💛
Same with my parents and I'm 16
I’m so tired physically tired dealing with my mom.
Physically I barely had any energy to leave my narc parents but Im so glad I did.
Same brother I deal with mine as little as possible while I’m here and she still wonders why I don’t talk to her
I can totally agree. My mom is too much and I hate it. I'm planning on moving out and she knows it. She's not happy and I don't care.
Same, my mother is so emotionally abusive and toxic.
I feel you smh i pray you get away and start to gain more positive outcomes in life 🙏
I'm literally in tears because this is the first time in my 27 years of life that I feel someone finally understands what my experience has been and has articulated everything I've felt. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
its good you are 27 and you realize it. others are much older.
Yes!!! I'm 39, almost 40 and feel the same way! Just grateful I'm finding it now! Lol, 40's the new 30 rt? I wish ha! ;)
You are not alone! We are in this together, recovering together.
Shame I've cried my lungs out I noticed it these week and am 24
Same*
My mother makes it really difficult for me to think freely and be open-minded.
I once suggested to my mom that I was attracted to a cousin of mine and she started loudly screaming ''You are not going to turn gay!!! You are not going to do that to me!!!! etc.''
I literally cannot think for myself at 22 without overthinking EVERY little thing and the affects of my traumas are really starting to show. I move slower, react and think slower, even talk slower (because I’m used to just shutting up) my mother has noticed because I still live with her and practically had her doing everything for me. She’s like a grown baby throwing tantrums and yelling whenever I don’t “do something right” in other words, if I’m not moving how fast she wants me to. So embarrassing she even does it in public
You are soooo lucky!!!
@@JazzyjamjamI'm 29, male. 2 years ago,my father had a stroke and I've been struggling to be financially independent. I live with my parents with my mother being the controlling one. I'm literally slower in every aspect ,so much so that she has taken notice of this and I get nagged . I'm trying to break free and be independent but call it an uphill task is an understatement when my environment and people in it are so averse to my own growth
I Feel like my parents try to buy me with material things.
FACTS
Same.
Same
Yep
Fr
wow. my life was just put on blast.
Same
Fuck my life was just put on hold...
I just need to get out this house nothing of this would work but have no money to leave them
@@Flo.sandoval they even told me not to move out
Yeah I really thought she knew my parents and was describing them personally in this video. :-O
When you become an adult and a parent tries to constantly control you this type of parent is weak and needs a reality ✔......
Sadly, hurt people hurt people. So unless our parents learn to heal from their experiences, they will continue to instill that same pain in their kids.
This kind of parent is often a co-dependent pushing their kids to be codependent and needs therapy.
@@MeenaAdnani That's partly it. Children also learn by imitation so they take on the abusive personalities of their abuser parents.
@@X3000Chan THIS.
This comment explains it BEST. One of the best sentences I've read. Thank you
I am 46 years old and I still deal with my controlling mother. I have tried and tried all my life. She doesn't even realize how much she has affected me to this day.
julie swanson I’m 13 years old and my mom is like this lol
Same here. And I'm over 40....
Something is seriously wrong.
m 26....same with me
I'm 14 years trying so hard not to commit suicide & live until 18 my mom is so abusive.
@@jahzara_ I will keep you in my prayers. I know how hard it is. Please find support groups or somebody that you can talk to. If you need to talk to somebody you can talk to me. I am on facebook.
as a kid i really thought to myself that it would get better when i’m older, but i’m 20 now and it only gets worse
Keeping distance is the best advice, really. In my case, the relationship became better because the very difficult family events + being able to meet rarely. But even 12 years later I found myself in a situation when I am not supposed to have my own opinion. So due to the distance it seemed that it has changed but not really. Go live your life ❤️
I think that they don't change. You have to go away and put some boundaries
I’m 26 and it’s gotten worse, my mom would secretly check me in my room without knocking, many times a day ( i don’t know what she is trying to catch me doing).
And yeah, my room is not allowed to have locks.
I am 36 and it is gotten worse... i do not live with them, i moved to another town, but still... i am going crazy
I’m 18 and so desperate to move out of the house even with everything going on. I’ve only been quarantined with my parents for 2 months but they make me feel so inadequate and my step father acts like I’m not there and like I’m just in the way, I would literally do anything to move out so I’m probably gonna stay with my boyfriend for a while until everything gets better and I can start college and live in a dorm like normal
"Just in the way" is heartbreaking. Cheering you on, Camille, to forge your way, start college and create your life, one based in mutual respect, caring and love.
why do parents have offspring if they cant love them just why
I've been stuck in my room for 3 months straight with no job.
I went out to go see my boyfriend... I come back my mom pushes me into the wall with her shoulder just to ask me where I've been.
I'm 21 years old!!! I'm not going no where but my boyfriend house, and I dont have tto tell you that I have a man.
I been in a relationship for 3 years... no one knows about my boo.
Yuri User leave the house asap ! if they get aggressive with you then respond with agression. I swear i shoved my mom right off me and it felt really good and she was stunned and afraid. They only have power over you once you give them power.
sparkling fashion I love the last part you said “they only have power over you once you give them power.” So true
My dad is aggressive when talking to me. He pretends like he going to hit me to scare me just because he didnt like what I was saying. I told him to stop talking to me that way. He said I was being disrespectful and that he didn't like the tone of voice I was using. I'm 22 years old and he still treats me as if I'm a child. It's exhausting having to always walk on eggshells waiting for the next criticism. I can tell him till I'm blue in the face not to talk to me in that manner. I tell him that I'm an adult and that I can do what I want to do without his say so. Then, he will tell me that he owns me and tells me how much he's providing for me. And manipulations me with money so I'll do what he asks. He's not willing to take responsibility for his actions and words. He loves to blame me or.my sister for way he treats us. He'll say " I wouldn't have yelled and cursed at you if had done this or that". I'm stuck at home with because of covid19 and I have onlineclasses. He wants me to clean the apartment by myself. I do so and he makes a huge mess. Then, he blames it on me saying that it's my mess. It's not because I hadn't been in the kitchen for hours and I clean up after myself. He complains about how I clean. Then, he says he wants to a wife to do all of the cooking and cleaning since I won't do it right. Nothing I do is go enough for him. I could do everything right and he'll still find something to complain about or criticize. I want to get to actually leave for good and not come back but, I feel guilty because I always feel like I owe him something because he "raised" me.
Your dad sounds exactly like my mom. :/ I’m so sorry your going through this, it’s helped me to honestly just isolate my self in my room and stay out the way. Things will get better after covid
Best thing get a job and move out you and your sister and have your freedom. That’s the most important things is your freedom
I disagree with@@rorosaleh5613
It sounds like you're in school. If possible, do whatever you can to finish school. If it's unbearable, are there relatives or friends you can quarantine with? Also, whole industries are shut down right now, so jobs are hard to come by
My parents also are overly strict and treat me like im young as well. Even though when i was ACTUALLY a child and needed them the most, they emotionally were not providing for me. It's frustrating and hell on earth
Yeah they act like they raised me just Bec they have to , not loving being parents.
As a 33 year old, finally getting it through their head that both parents are toxic and manipulative. i've made the desicion to pull away from them completely and re-learn to please myself with a more positive crowd so that i may live my life as *I* see fit, and not give myself anxiety attacks without worrying about their toxic examples
All all others forced to deal with toxic and manipulative parents, you are not alone. A real family are the people you choose to keep close in your life, not the ones you're born and forced and abused into accepting their terrible behaviors at the expense of your self-love. Life's too short for that.
Same here my parents always criticize me and have said horrible things to me but now I have to go live with them temporarily leaving a toxic relationship my kok kept delaying things but at least with them I dont have to do strange favors for them.
@@unapologeticella4540 yea I had to move back in with my parents as well. The only difference is I have a child and I'm trying to get us out of the this toxic situation( mentally, emotionally and verbally) how my parents are is so deeply dysfunctionally rooted it's insane and I dont want my child having to see or go through the same thing I went and am still going through. The frustrating part is I dont know where to go especially now that we're going through a pandemic.
Same age this side. I agree it's crap
“A controlling parent is a toxic parent because they do not honor our basic desire for freedom. That’s a base desire and you are a sovereign soul with your own identity and your own skills. Because the controlling parent does not honor you as a sovereign free individual, it can be very depleting, develop low self identity, and indeed depression can follow.”
Every one of us needs to jot her final quote into our journals to remind ourselves of this. It’s our basic human right to not be micro-controlled to the detriment of our self development and autonomy.
100%
Spot on!
I left a church for this very reason my father was controlling and so was my pastor
My parents do all three. I'm an only child adult so they have always made me feel responsible for their emotions and lashed out verbally and emotionally. They have read my diary when I was in 8th grade, told me that other children were nicer to their parents and that I have been ungrateful for their "love," talk down about my friends, play the victim when I set boundaries or voice that I don't like something, and the list goes on. I'm desperately trying to get away from them and contemplating cutting off the relationship.
As an only child too, i understand you so well
My aunt read my diary too and made me feel for guilty for liking boys in my teenage years. Now whenever a guy approaches me, i become so rude or distant and can't control it, even if i like that guy
I am also an only child and I'm 30 and they still do manipulative things say harsh words and just don't get what I'm trying to do and downplay my relationship and the way I raise my son. I'm so hurt and it's an ongoing thing. Even though I don't live with them. I understand you truly. You are not alone in this.
My parents also read my diary and my letters to my friends and shamed me for being a normal teenager. When she said that they don't want us to grow up because they lose control over us, I could totally relate to that!
I'm an only child and 30 too and my parents are the same. They disguise abusive action as "concern" which makes dealing with them so stressful even if I live on the other side of the world from them. They still think I'm their "baby" and said that I'll understand when I become a parent myself. Tbh SO's mum has even said the actions are too much so it doesn't need me to be a parent to know their actions are not right.
I feel like I have to insulate my empathy whenever I talk to my mom because she takes absolutely everything personally. "You don't want to come to a party with 40 people during coronavirus?? How dare you disrespect me! *Crying* Now I have to cancel this party you said was a bad idea 3 weeks ago!!!" Everything is my fault, I am the guilty party at all times, I OWE her forever and ever, I am her reason for living and therefore must be available to her 24/7. The only way I can get through it is by being unfeeling while solemnly enforcing my boundaries. And I feel like doing this all the time has made me emotionally stunted.
Yikes. That is all.
And, yes, boundaries. You're seeing this clearly, Susannah. And, you're bringing your emotions with you. You're on the right track.
She might have BPD. Sounds like my mom, I had to cut off ties. I feel for you. You have to chose yourself over them. They will not change unless they really want to.
"Taking your growth personally" Oh my gosh thank you for verbalizing what I've been feeling!
They pulled me down for feel superior.i don't think I can recover my self.
Omg, somebody finally said that!!! Exactly how I feel everytime I talk to my mother.... and when she is trying to guilt-trip about how distant I am with her, I actually feel even less guilty cause I realize I am just saving myself from the nervous breakdown!!
Same
This is my mum. I'm in my 30s now but she still seems to have the ability to manipulate my emotional state even now. I have so little confidence and my life has been plagued with severe mental health issues.
Same. 34.
34 here as well...
If I knew this earlier, would I have been different mentally, and physically.
You know now. That's all that matters. Time to move towards a better life.
Amen!!
Unfortunately I have neurological problems that have forced me to move in with my parents more than once, exactly how my mom always wanted it -- me stuck living with her. I realize now how cruel she was to take advantage of my disability.
This is so true. My mother has been like this my whole life. As I was getting older I wanted to do more things on my own and be my own person and I would tell her that im not a kid when she would try to always control what I did and she would tell me that "im her kid". Im 42 and she's still the same. I don't want to say that I hate my mother but I hate what she has done to me throughout my life. I feel like she has brainwashed me as well as society has by always making women seem like they are always right and can do no wrong. My mother did a lot of damage. She actually still lives with me but im planning my move amd she will have to figure it out on her own. IM DONE
Please tell me you left her!!!please. Move out be free live your life
This made my cry she literally pin pointed every single detail of my last 10 years as a young adult 😖😖
Sorry
Wow story of my life
This is honestly why I can’t wait to move out, I swear I’m going to have as little contact with mine as possible
you may being very courageous
Her smile makes me happy I don't know why.
this is so sweet
My mom is narcissist and controlling to the level you can’t imagine. I have been abused all my life and my dad is ok with it. I am 30 now. I have zero confidence and I feel I don’t have power over my own life. I’m never happy or at peace. I have been trained by them my whole life not to fight for my happiness or my own life. I don’t know a way to get out of it. And it will continue this way. I have tried to change. I wish everyday that I could just sleep and never wake up ever again. I wish I was brave enough to end everything at once.
Dear KS, Thank you for sharing and reaching out. Please: Speak with someone. There *are* people who care deeply and can support. In utter futility, it is possible to shift. Also, I'm offering a new weekly online program beginning 6 June (see my community tab for details). Perhaps you would like to join a group of people who understand? Sending massive respect.
I started reading and studying about Complex PTSD and binge watching TH-cam videos on narcissism, 'covert' narcissism and toxic people in general. This was a huge eye opener for me. I also did some work in codependency and am well on my way to healing, but unfortunately it takes work. We can only change ourselves. My mother is a covert and my father was more of an overt narcissist, so I was really a mess.
There is light at the end of the tunnel once you begin to understand the patterns.
Please get as far away as you can NOW
You are braver to carry on
You can do it without them trust yourself
my parents get super controlling when they see that i’m struggling in life and instead of asking me what i need they come up with a criteria for me to meet and if i don’t meet whatever standards they set for me they get even more controlling. they claim they know what’s best for me and that i don’t know what’s best for me because i’m still growing. every time i give in and do my very best to do whatever they want they’re happy, but then i make a tiny mistake and they flip out and make me feel like it’s my fault. There’s also a MAJOR double standard for me and my brother. he can do whatever, whenever with absolutely nothing said by my parents but when i do the smallest thing they’re quick to give their input in a mean way. i’m really hurting and i have no one to talk to
Are you me? Hahahaha 🤦🤦
I can talk about it with you I’m going through a similar situation with my parents
What's worse than a controlling parent? A religious controlling parent.
There is a book that reminds me of this: "controlling people" by patricia evans. It is life saving. I am so grateful this knowledge is spreading. After being raised by controllers, I finally realize I am my own person and I decide what I do with my life. I highly recommend the book!
Thank you I get it.
wow. my whole life in a nutshell.
Guilt tripping, gaslighting are their weapon. “Your life will not be happy if you’re being unfilial.”
How do you get your parents to let you be independent instead of not letting you go anywhere, not even with your friends? 😕it’s so hard because I can’t ever go out so i lose a lot of friends and now i just have social anxiety because everybody leaves me because i can’t hangout with them
I know I'm 26 and still going through this bullshit with my parents
This was a great video! I am 62 and in my 50s, I had finally just had enough of being controlled and manipulated by my controlling parent and a controlling sibling. Unfortunately, my husband had the same experience in his family. We realized many of the tactics you shared for survival and practiced them all but unfortunately for us, both sides became more resentful and more hurtful. In the end, the limited contact had to become no contact. I grieved for years until one day I realized how much peace we had and that I never wanted to go back to the pain. There was no amount of love, kindness, consideration, etc. that we could give that would allow us any room to be ourselves and be respected. Even now, many, many years later, we hear on occasion from some friend of the family that at family gatherings, we are the butt of all of the jokes and they are cruel jokes. They are playing "old tapes" of things that happened even 50 years ago making fun of us and they continue to make up lies about us when none of them know anything about us. We have so much peace and love in our home. I now guard our peace with all my being. We are very happy and content with our little nucleus family - away from all the abuse.
Spot On. Yup, this is what usually unfolds.......you've handled it well. Thanks for viewing.
Everything I've ever wanted to do was shut down by my mother. I didn't have help in school. I didn't graduate. Didn't get my license. Didn't get to socialize. Didn't even get a job. Just wasted away in my room for years. I'm finally able to move out, and she has to judge that and put it down too.
Sorry mom, you can't lock me away anymore. 👋
I am 17 years old about to be 18 and my mother still treats me like a child, tries controlling who my friends are, my relationship with my boyfriend and what clothes to wear. It’s overwhelming, I try to express myself and she yells at me. It got to the point where now whenever someone asks me a question I’m starting to be defensive when it isn’t that way at all. Its sad how much she thinks I’m a robot and not a soul. She thinks materialistic things will win me over but honestly I prefer love and affection over materialistic things.
I'm 24, and my family still does this. I come over to clean the house for them because they're physically and mentally disabled. She has cancer and just had major surgery so I come down to help, I share how excited I am to make friends for this internship I'm going to do the volunteering I want to do and how I want to go to a concert and I get told off, I won't have the money for that, I'll get raped, I have no friends to go with me.
After watching this video and crying so much, as a 26 year old with controlling and emotionally abusive parents I think its time for me to move out. My dad has constantly threatened me that he was going to kick me out if I ever stayed a night at my bf house again...well so be it.
Did you move? My dad also constantly call me a financial burden and tell me to **** off if I do not act like he wants me to. He pay my studies ( i cant afford it and cant do it part time) and use it to control my life now. If I did know things will not get better, would have not studied and just got a job and move out .
Trust me he will not allow you you to go , my dad is refusing to let me go at the age of 26
I'm 27 and have got a job still can't get away from them. I have lost so many years of my life because of their quarrels and divorce. Now I'm losing rest of it because my mom is controlling and I can't disobey her or it will HURT her even more. I have a brother but he is off somewhere and left me behind with our parents to deal with. And losing my mind with each day
@@hydranean5702 my dad calls me that as well and controls everything I do I cunt make my own decisions and I'm 34 but he just won't allow me to grow
Wow this is amazing.... I was already isolating far from my mom because I felt like this was the right choice.... somehow this feels like healing from a heartbeat. I always want to go back to her and tell her how much I love her and I’m sorry for not doing what she wants me to do all the time... but it’s true she’s a toxic controlling parents and this video made me realize that, thank you so much
Thank you for your comments. Sending lots of support your way, Julissa. I'm glad this video helps lift the fog of confusion. Good luck to you.....highly differentiated and loving individuals are also whole individuals.....
I'm 21 and my mom is the typical helicopter parent, she wants to know everything about my life, I'm not allowed to hang out with friends often, am not allowed to learn driving, and she even overfeeds me when I tell her not to, she questions the modesty of my clothes and barrages me with facts about how bad the world is and she nags a lot. I might burst.
Every time we fight I think of various ways I can leave this world. She just hurts my feelings so bad by talking purposely about certain traumas I went through, opening up deep wounds it just breaks my heart into pieces.
dont let her do that to you please !you wernt put on earth to fill her voids .you have your own purpose . Ive been there so many times and now im so glad to be here . Im worthy and wonderful and so are you . dont let someone elses actions or words define your existence in this world.
You hit every mark for my parents. I still live with mine, so they often pull the “my roof, my rules” card 😖
I’m 15 and my dad always speaks to me aggressively, he always takes things away from me for no reason at all if I ever try to argue back he pretends to go hit me to make me flinch I’ve told him to stop and he doesn’t listen he speaks to me as if I am a piece of dirt.
im 33 years old, completely chained to my parents, and made to submit daily. help me! im also a cancer survivor and my legt side of my body is weak so im unable to be independent and get space. help, please!
Oh i see. They used your cancer as a way to treat you as an invalid
Im no expert but finding a support system is probably the best way out of there. Reach out to extended family or other friends and tell them what your dealing with
I would like this woman to be my new mother
You can be a mother yourself - to your inner child
I'm going through a mental breakdown and this video gives me tactical advice. Thank you so much!!
i dont know what a mental breakdown but it sounds like what happened..,
Trust me, you are not alone. The worse part is when no one else understands or gets what your going through...and that's hard. Stay strong and positive
Gosh, this is exactly what I needed to hear.
I literally don’t know how much longer I can deal with my mom. She doesn’t realize that mentally she’s destroying me. She won’t break me I won’t give up. It’s just really freaking hard to push through right now.
Hi Danielle mine too. My mother is so nasty to me. She guilt trips me and makes my self esteem so so low
@@ashtonharper6544 im age 28 male and my mom curses me and threatens to kick me out even though im not financially independent yet. She said she doesnt care if i will be homeless. She spits in my face, prays for god to punish me in hell, calls me any curse word you wouldnt curse your worst enemy with. Also pushes me and punches me.
im age 28 male and my mom curses me and threatens to kick me out even though im not financially independent yet. She said she doesnt care if i will be homeless. She spits in my face, prays for god to punish me in hell, calls me any curse word you wouldnt curse your worst enemy with. Also pushes me and punches me. She says im balding no gf still not financially independent that i should just become a homeless person. That im a lost cause etc
@@gingfreecss3467 Get a job, go get a place to live and let her watch you blossom 🌸. Don't feel you have to be in this position you can easily change your living ways if you want too. Good luck in getting the hell out there!
I hope things got better
How do you handle a parent that exhibit all three tactics as I have
Controlling parents are a challenge as they are more interested in and blinded by their control than in relationship with their own child. To them: The relationship is through control and their "rightness."
As example: Since release of this video and as of this writing, I have had just *one* controlling parent reach out to me asking for support, seeking to better understand and repair the relationship with a daughter. However, the child who is being controlled reaches out to me for support through sessions often. Plus, look at the comments: Filled with people who are at the dysfunctional receiving end of the control. Are any parents in the comments sharing, "Wow, I don't want to have control issues any more and I really want a great relationship with my child. What do I do?" Nope.
What is to be done? Keep seeing the tendencies of a controlling person and, also, develop your own strategies so you aren't "hooked" by the controlling parent. If you get hooked, they take you down with them and then have "reason" (they think in their twisted mind) to blame you and make you wrong. They'll even say their own child is unbalanced! Well, if you live with a controlling person for a long period of time, you become unbalanced like they are, but in a much different way: You become unsure and hypervigilant and anxious and angry inside and can have low self worth. Sheesh.
See if for what it is, not in a way that's "hopeful" (that one day the controlling parent will change and love you for the joy of love itself). While I never say never, it is highly unlikely. Keep your heart alive and live in alignment with your authentic self and inner wisdom. Sending massive support and respect to you, Karuna
I just get P/O and start yelling back till I get my point across. If that doesn’t work then I don’t do anything around the house till she gets my point. I really dislike my mother. Calls her grandma kids her kids it’s like geez thanks mom
13:00
Usually it is .
Im 35 and my father still treats me like a kid allways up my ass he is so controlling and manipulative
I had insomnia and was having a really bad anxiety attack it was super late so I called my friend over the phone in the morning I was to tired and felt paralyzed my mother got mad at me and said insomnia isn't real she took my phone away and I had another one I didn't know what to do so I was just there crying and shaking looking dumb