Generational Trauma: It Gets Better
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 ธ.ค. 2022
- Let's talk about why your family is upsetting you over the holidays, and how things can get better.
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edited by danae o.! - บันเทิง
As a Mexican living in Mexico…generational trauma is hard to break when your family is STILL living in the same situation that caused the trauma in the first place.
Thank you for this video.
Same for Russia. And with the current situation with our government....hell, the situation is getting worse
Yep
I wish I could at least hug you peoples. How can we help people in other countries to make positive change for themselves?
One thing I have realized in my journey with trauma is that your identity doesn’t start and end with you. The individual is kind of a bizarre conception-we are always part of a collective. You get so used to being tormented all your life that you get this weird brand of main character syndrome and it’s very hard to let go of and allow yourself to approach any subsequent relationship on even ground because acknowledging that you’re not the only one suffering feels like minimizing it and just accepting that it’s an inevitable part of life. But when you realize that humanity is wounded and we are all healing, placing blame feels kind of like your liver getting angry at your immune system for creating a fever to fight a flu. I was failed by the people who raised me and they are accountable to that, but if their lives have taught me anything from the outside it’s that what was lost cannot be reimbursed. I don’t want to spend my life staring into the void until I am one with it. I just want to be part of the solution, and determining whose fault was what isn’t relevant to that goal.
very relevant for our next vid!
@@elliotsangestevez I love your channel/vidz :)
For a future vid, could you possibly cover a few things. Here is a comment that I recently left for another vid/youtuber that responded to me, and I thing the topics/scenarios here would be great things to address:
Yeah no kidding, the fact that they are over $31trillion in debt (This does not include individual debts) and are still going strong is just mind boggling!! Even when hearing of stuff like illegal immigrants (Many coming here for a better life) being treated like garbage by sadistic employers/etc, it's like, oh well, they came here illegally so if they are treated like trash/less than human, it's their fault... You can argue that the USA (Both good and bad) does pretty much everything large, but in all fairness now, it's not like those of us from Canada or elsewhere are innocent either, I mean, you have homeless people being beaten up (Bum Bashing), urinated on and all kinds of stuff... Have you ever seen a show called what would you do? Some of the scenarios prove certain stereotypes are very real!! Take bike thiefs, woman vs man and black vs white (Who do you think usually gets roasted, ignored or even helped). Stealing from a store, white vs black vs muslim. Just chilling in a vehicle, black vs white. Painting graffiti on a vehicle, black vs white. People with tattered cloths vs regular cloths vs fancy cloths (Who gets ignored more when having a heart attack or something else). Crying/being emotional in public, men vs women. Man getting berated and/or beaten up by a woman vs the opposite... I think a fair amount of the world is experiencing quite a few hiccups...
" I don’t want to spend my life staring into the void until I am one with it." beautiful words.. a thought that i was looking to find a form for. Thank you
damn this reminds me of evangelion
such a good way to put it, very well said
The mother in the beginning is mine too, yikes!!! She doesn't think she's anxious but she's the most anxious person I know. 💀
I feel you. My parents will downplay any signs of depression and anxiety as just being snarky. Meanwhile I've never seen any two people in more need of therapy/counceling.
@@Itchy__ Oh, same!!! I literally told them to do couple counselling, at least, and she was, like, "It's going to have long waiting list..." Acknowledging that she has an unhealthy relationship with my male parent but doesn't do anything about it. :))) 'Sorry your parents are similar.
Right. I literally should be medicated it's that bad but noooo I'm just labeling myself even though Ive been diagnosed twice. She completely disregards the fact she was there in the doctor's office when they said I needed help probably because she has the exact same symptoms but she just won't go to therapy.
@@Itchy__ brooo telling my grandparents that they need to find a new couple’s counselor bc clearly the one they went to for THIRTY years was not teaching them how to communicate properly
Great stuff. I would just encourage people to realize that most “colonizers” come from a similar background as indigenous people, just on average the trauma is a couple generations older. The highland clearances, the Irish potato famine, impressment into navy and commercial ships in England, moorish domination in Spain, we could go on and on. I don’t say this to minimize the trauma of colonized people. It’s real and it’s many times severe. But colonization and empire are systems that chewed up and spit out many cultures. I imagine one day Iraqis may want to hold even black Americans responsible for trauma the USA caused to their people.
The fear is so spot on with intergenerational trauma. I grew up with 1st generation south Asian immigrant parents and the first thing that came out of my fathers mouth when I got into college was that I should set my mind on trying to get into medical school which isn’t a bad idea but it was very delusional thinking knowing my family’s circumstance of being low income and my father was never involved in my school life or ever mentioned how I was doing in school. It’s funny seeing an unavailable parental figure all of a sudden out of nowhere expecting such high expectations not even knowing/aware of what I’m capable of handling academically…
👏🏽👏🏽 As a South Asian, I felt this!!!
Sounds like he thought you would kill it at medical school, no pun intended. Hope things are better, he seems to quietly believe in you, idk.
@@WspiDigits my father was pushing and pressuring me to major in that field and any major that wasn’t medical it had to still be healthcare related I found that to be very one sided. I find science to be an interesting subject to learn but not do it for a living if that makes any sense. Also, I was not very fond of chemistry especially doing labs. I knew it wasn’t for me when I decided to drop out of a beginners chem class during the 1st week. The science courses get more harder/complex and biology class being my favorite gets added with chemistry stuff the advanced level the course gets…
The sudden investment is so real, no one ever cared to help or even ask or check, they only ever cared when your grades drop or when money is involved
That's horrible communication.....feels so inhumane
I really appreciate this perspective. I think one common generational trauma that exists outside immigrant families (but can also exist in them) is negative body image and disorder eating. So many people, women especially, are familiar with developing self hatred and possibly EDs due to how their mothers (or fathers) talked about their own body and how dieting is an ongoing struggle that is an expected part of life.
Truee! My aunts constantly berate and talk shit about the nieces that aren't skinny and i wish i could fight back but they're also constantly demeaning themselves because they're overweight and it's just heartbreaking
@@sam_597 OMG THIS!!!
The same aunties/grandmas/moms/etc will say "Oh, here! Eat eat eat! I cooked have the whole plate and seconds!" And "You look like you've gained weight! Your face is getting fat!" In the same sitting. It is heartbreaking to see how they've been conditioned - in my case by poverty - to want to eat just because there is an option to eat, then hate getting fat, and *then* turn right around and claim "So and so cousin needs to get some hips/butt/meat on her bones!" Like they're all striving for this one single idealized medium sized woman who can eat all she wants without getting fat but simultaneously isn't "unattractively" thin. When you say it out loud, it sounds ridiculous and it is.
@@AngDevigne samee! My mom grew up really broke and they couldn't get two meals a day and she basically just eats whenever there's snacks around and then can't eat the actually nutritious meals that she cooks
I think my mom has done this to me accidentally. She's a bigger lady and she's made comments about how I put dinner together and I would like... Throw up afterwards just because she said something but I wouldn't tell her
This me! 🤭 My parents are west African and in our culture it’s very common to make casual (negative) comments about people’s bodies. I remember being five years old and my father being disgusted because I was “too fat.” I wasn’t even obese, I just had a normal early elementary school pot-belly. Now when I’m older and very skinny for my height he makes comments about how I have no “assets.” If anything the experience taught me to just not talk about people’s bodies
my parents knew I would never become a doctor, they gave up on me pretty early. "Just get a 60 beta it's a pass!" If I got an A on a test, they wouldn't believe it. They would probably think I cheated.
Majima! You're awesome. You studied so well for that test! Tell Haruka I'm her biggest fan :)
Break their expectations early and they'll be surprised at what you can achieve. Don't do that, and you'll be constantly "under performing"
@@shroomer3867 it's not about under performing not everyone is cut out to be a doctor. Medical School is fiercely competitive. You could get a perfect score on the MCAT and still get rejected. Just having good grades isn't enough. It's not healthy to put such unrealistic expectations on yourself. I was being funny and hyperbolic. While I was never at the top of my class, my grades weren't that bad.
@@yokiryuchan7655 I meant under performing sarcastically because that's how they would view not getting to be a doctor, even though you can achieve and become professions which are just as important if not more in some contexts.
thank you for this. i lost my mom when i was a teenager, and at the time the burden of the trauma she inflicted on me as a trans and queer person was really heavy at that time, and since then I’ve been trying to untangle the complicated feelings I have toward her. This video was the last little thing that teetered me from anger into empathy and I was finally able to witness the parts of me that needed to feel the pain of her loss. after watching this i went straight to the shower and cried about it for the first time in years. painful but much needed. so thank you, here’s committing myself to radical empathy 🎉
I'm trying to move on from anger towards my parents too (transmasc here, had to leave their home on not-so-great terms). Needed to see your comment today. Hope you are still on the path to healing
As someone who lost an abusive mom 4 years ago to cancer who was also extremely abusive, I find myself preventing myself from missing her because I feel I am not allowed to based on the things she did to me
The realization that everyone has family trauma made me stop wishing to have a family in the future and the only reason I'm still living is because i hope to live by myself one day :)
interesting. With my realization, I became nihilistic and still am. Because of this, I actually just feel that there’s no reason to end myself since everything is without meaning anyway. Why bother, if I can just continue living? Death will be endless nothingness, so why not experience life this once, regardless if it’s suffering or joyous. I’m just here for the ride, so why not see what my story is, instead of just closing the book after the first few chapters? Regardless if it ends in tragedy or not, at least I know approximately how it ends when I do die. It’d be boring to close a book prematurely, no?
I never thought about not having a family tho. I always thought everyone’s demise is inevitable anyways, so why care? I want to treat everyone I know with everything I have, and passing on trauma is inevitable just as much as our death, so why worry that it’s gonna happen? My future kids would definitely experience generational trauma, but that’s not why I don’t want kids in the first place, I just can’t because of exhaustion issues. So I find your viewpoint very interesting, and I didn’t mean to intrude on your comment, but I see now that I might’ve over-shared and over-explained. I’m sorry, I wish you all the luck. Maybe I’m just desensitized, but trauma comes in different forms, and it doesn’t have to be all encompassing. It can be part of your life and shape who you are, but it can never be you. It’s okay to give trauma to the next generation, they will do it too. Trauma isn’t always all that bad. And how can we experience trauma if we’re extinct because we didn’t wanna give it to the next generation? It’s part of living, and humans and animals alike experience trauma. You can’t avoid it, neither dead nor alive. So why not just live for the short amount of time we have anyway? Humanity in itself is just temporary, and someday we’ll go extinct, just like how the earth and our galaxy will turn into nothingness. So why bother ‘bout trauma yk? I’m rambling again, sorry. I really wish you gain peace in your life someday and are able to be here on your own terms. I was about to say “may god bless you” but I’ve literally never been religious so I don’t really know where that came from XD sorry
My mom grew up poor as a white American, she was homeless for a few years in high school and had to live with friends while working and doing well in school, she fought her way up and became a well earning doctor and was always able to provide for me and my siblings, but she has survivors bias from it and looks down on everyone who’s not doing as well as her and always blames it on them not working hard enough or not being smart enough
Yeah the other thing you learn growing up in an immigrant household is that Americans straight up hate their kids. Our parents traumatized us but at least they help us. Your parents just laugh when y'all struggle.
My mum is the same, all grew up with little (hand-me-down clothes, minimized meat, cold house etc) and she and her three siblings now all do very well for themselves, probably with a mentality that my grandparents may have encouraged so they could "work their way out of poverty". My mum and her sisters are all in the medical industry and my mum believes that anyone can achieve anything if they tried. Therefore believing that most poor ppl are lazy
You mom is correct. Out work everyone, don't whine about things you can't change, and continue to do the next good thing, and you will be successful.
My parents escaped Soviet Poland in search of a better life in Canada. They FORCED my brother to become an engineer (he wanted to be a scientist) and now is extremely depressed, and tried with me but gave up cause i was a dumb child (theyll be happy if i just damn passed lol). They still tried to force me other non doctor/engineer jobs but i just kept arguing with them constantly, cause i didnt want to end up like my brother. Also I noticed that both my grandma and mom all have obsessive eating and eating disorders, and forced all that toxic eating and self hatred onto me and now I struggle with an eating disorder for more then 10+ years. Im trying to fix my eating disorder by going to therapy but its hard when its a generational thing, i dont want to forever obsess over my weight like my mom and grandma
Generational trauma is everywhere. I’m from Northern Ireland and we’re a post-conflict society and yet I’ve never seen anyone talk about their emotions from living in the troubles. Everyone who mentions it always seems so desensitised to the horrific things they’re talking about.
I wasn’t alive during the troubles so I can’t speak for how it may have felt to live through but I’ve seen what people are like around here.
Everyone is so pessimistic. There’s so much negativity and alcoholism is treated so casually. There’s a huge need for a conversation about generational trauma here
what is The Troubles?
@@thisgoddamusernamestoodamnlong it was a irregular conflict between Britain who owns and occupies northern Ireland and Ireland who also wants northern Ireland to be part of their territory, lots of bombings and shootings occured it traumatic for everyone involved
@@GioGioCookie how long ago was this?
@@thisgoddamusernamestoodamnlong it went on from the 1960s all the way til 1998 and treaty was signed on 2006
@@GioGioCookie holy shit
Lol all this trauma led me to having depression, anxiety, bpd, and always having the feeling to want to be alone and just isolate myself in my room.
So... I know that I'm gonna sound evil for saying this, but are you sure that you weren't misdiagnosed with bpd due to having cPTSD?
Hear me out, the reason why I ask is because cPSTD is a new enough catagory that it still hasn't been put in the official books yet is ligimate enough that professionals are working to get it officially recognized.
A lot of professions will default to putting anyone with cPSTD symptoms into BPD because of the overlap of symptoms, but it's probably an extremely harmful mistake to make because the two conditons have VERY important differences.
The biggest difference: those with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment and are execessively clingy to the point that it creates maladaptive behaviors. Those with cPSTD have a higher tendency to isolate themselves because they essentially have PSTD on steriods thats caused by excessive amounys of highly traumatic events.
It's an insanely common misdiagnosis, and to be fair... I don't blame more traditional therapists for being scared to use such a new diagnosis, but using a different diagnosis that doesn't even match the patients true aliments cannot be the right way to go about it. Like, at least label it as PSTD so that the patient can actually recieve anything remotely close to proper treatment.
@@kidwolf0015 I have no clue but I might have that too lol ....just waiting to hear back from my insurance company so I can know whether or not my next doctor visit will be covered☹️
idk I we are similar ,I thought someone would hurt me it was obviously a paranoia ever since that and I'm scared of people sorry if I was off topic
Are you me bc I literally have all of these things and also like to isolate myself-
@@kidwolf0015 is it possible for someone to have both of those?
"we will unite with the untraumatized" sent me into such a cackling fit I had to pause for a good few minutes! XD And man that tiktok was ... the accuracy hurts. And I really want to emphasis what you said about how this all ties into politics because it really *really* does. So, yes, learn about the systems that have and still do define the lives of your families and communities. Learn about their history (though revisiting that can also be something they have learned to avoid like the plague). Inform yourself as best as you can and try to hold empathy for both yourself and them.
@@buffpathfinder3607 Like this: 😘
Oh yeah for sure. Your parents and grandparents created the problems of today through the bad politics of yesterday.
Learn the difference between people who just want to watch the world burn and people who are so broken, they are passively determined to break you in the same way. Have empathy but keep both types of people at a distance.
Love this message.
I’m watching this in the same room as my immagrant mother 💀💀💀
I always heard how Grandma is a worrier, she just worries a lot its just who she is but then I learned there's a real name for that, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and that has strongly carried throughout my family, I just wish we called it what it was
I didn't ever classify my issues with my parents as generational trauma, but hearing this and hearing the steps to overcome it all and realizing that that's exactly what I did makes me see that maybe it was in fact generational trauma of sorts, and I'm happy to hear someone articulating this so well to people who need it
im a indigenous canadian my mothers father and mother were in residential school my grandma passed away a few years ago but she never talked about it ever and she abused my mom so she abused me i am planning on breaking it as much as it hurts to know my mother hurt me i also remind myself its because of generational trauma so shes still hurting and healing and deep down shes hurting not that it made it ok but yeah same thing with my dad he abused me but his mom was a drunk and abused him he apologized etc and i want my kids in the future to not be afraid of me etc.
wanting your kids to live a good life and not be afraid of you is really cool and admirable, i think, coming from someone who has been told "kids should be afraid of their parents" lol yikes. i wish you the best of luck in your journey and also i am really sorry for your loss and the pain you've been through!
i hope your family and especially you healing. live well. im sure your future family would be a happy one
The staring point to deal with it is to take care of yourself first. I grew up as a people pleaser and i feel so guilty anytime i take time and space for myself. It's been so hard growing up in a society where the slightest difference of beliefs/opinions can make you someone who needs fixing as if it's bad to be different. People constantly judging me for the way i talk, walk, my body language, how much i'm smiling. As much as i don't care what people think, what they think of me affects my safety. It's also important to remember that you can't heal in the same place you got hurt so distance yourself from these people. I've given these people so many chances and finally have come to this conclusion. You don't need to hate them, but you don't have to forgive them ether. Do what helps you heal. I hate them not because they hurt me in the past but because they are still doing the same in the present. I don't hate that part of me because i am working on those parts unlike them.
The hardest step for me sometimes happens to be being healthy and not sabotaging myself by adding stress to myself. It's just so hard to take care of yourself at times. Ironically, self-sabotaging is one thing about my mother that annoys me the most.
I get what you mean. My mom has a lot of self-sabotaging habits that she thinks are normal (and therefore thinks it’s normal to overwork herself and I should do the same, etc) and I thought they were normal for the longest time so I’d do them too because we’re very close and spend a lot of time together so I picked up on them. But I’m only now realizing how bad they are.
(youtube nuked this comment for some reason but luckily i saved it lol)
Thanks elliot for making this video. I relate to a lot of this, especially the end. Sometimes I feel angry, other times I kinda see where they are coming from, trauma is honestly a bitch to deal with and I often find myself just kinda disassociating. I am autistic and also have ADHD (both undiagnosed) so I have a lot of unseen obstacles since I was a kid, I never knew why I felt like I was trying my best yet everyone in my family would say that I'm lazy or that i'm not trying enough or that I only put minimum effort and so on. From my childhood years to my early 20s, I felt a lot of anger, depression, anxiety and I felt so much like a failure for not being able to reach this level of perfection that they expected that I even considered s*icide a couple of times back then.
I'm in my late 20s now and I want to say that now it's a lot better than what I experienced. I now have words for I was going through back then, why I wasn't able to be "normal" and that it wasn't because of moral failing as I thought. I am now in better relationship with some of my family members than I was back then and even if they don't really acknowledge the generation trauma, I can see that they are trying to better themselves. Just one family member I don't really speak to anymore because they are still actively trying to suppress my emotions when we are in contact (it happened at my mother's funeral, apparently if you have a mental breakdown because a parent died, you're hysterical) so I try to limit speaking to them as much as I can for my mental health. Please know, anyone reading this, that family trauma is an absolute bitch to deal with and your pain is valid, you're valid in feeling that it's not supposed to happen to you from an early age and I really hope you'll heal from it, from a fellow traumatised person, I promise you that it's not always this bleak and it can get better.
Idk how to explain but there's something genuinely comforting about your videos so thank you so much (mono vibe kinda??)
thats so kind thank you
I think it has to do with the empathy, I've rarely seen people talking about issues like the ones he is talking about with so much of it 🤔
so true I think I only understand 30% of the things he says but I still enjoy watching it
Will definitely agree that learning about civil rights history, colonialism, and black liberation movements did a lot to educate me about politics and helped in my healing as a mexican immigrant. I think specifically about struggles about a community different from my own (African American struggles) helped put more into perspective how vastly these political systems extend and oppress so many of our communities. Understanding how these external factors work to oppress our communities really helped me move away from internalizing the self hate and trauma that comes with being a BIPOC.
my mum says she doesnt have any anxety and uses it to say your feelings are invalid are stupid to be anxious :/
Some people will never change. Some people will never think in a rational manner. Sometimes you have to accept that. If you know it's a situation like this, it's better to just cut your losses and leave sooner than later.
Need this fr
Video hasn’t premiered yet but the results of (generational) (trauma + bad choices + generational hereditary illnesses) is becoming more prominent in recent Bovid too. Living together also makes it harder to not follow your family’s rules etc.
I liked that you mentioned the things we can do to prevent stress in the first place. I've never quite been able to understand what to do exactly when doctors say "control your stress", but you gave such a perfect and to the point explanation. I greatly thank you for that 🙏
I really appreciate this video, especially since many of us bipoc folk have complicated feelings surrounded our families even when we want nothing to do with them. We can see how our trauma came from the, AND we see intimately how their environments traumatized them. I just wanted to add bc of the last few minutes at the end: be realistic when you talk about your or other's health. As someone with multiple chronic illnesses and complex trauma that is almost entirely familial, I am very aware that "healthy" is something that's out of reach for me and many other disabled people, or people who are living in actively dangerous environments due to poverty, racial violence, medical violence, etc.
I know you're not saying the onus is on us but it is something worth saying explicitly when so many people, ESPECIALLY disabled people, are constantly blamed by external culture for not trying hard enough to "get better." Unfortunately because we live in such an individualistic culture and bc of its narratives, the immediate response to "be healthy" is what do I need to do to get healthy, instead of "we need to collectively try to build safe spaces so we CAN be healthy." And even then, many of us are going to be sick.
Give to mutual aid funds if you're thinking of smth to do right now, a lot of people are dealing with massive medical bills or are at risk of losing their housing. It's an individual effort for the collective, and it does help someone tangibly. Sending y'all love and peace in this season
Very true. Totally spot on about hating you roots making you hate yourself. My mom went through an episode of transient psychosis the past two weeks. It slowly became evident what was going on but by then it was already too late, there was no snapping here out of it, and it was terrifying for all of us. Things have settled for now, but for days I just could not get this rage out of me for what she put us through, the things she said, did, and will never apologize for or even acknowledge. She just pretends like nothing happened. I want to hate her, but I know that what I hate is just a reflection of what I want to hate within myself. It's not her fault. It's trauma.
If you want to figure out how to stop hating your family and turn it into empathy, I got some extra tips. Visualize them as a scared child, one that had to endure pain and learn how to cope. Are you aware of any big traumas that happened to them in life? Imagine the impact those traumas could have on a person. What kind of social environment did they grow up in? Remember that most people take the path of least resistance to survive. Think of all the pressures they had, religious, gendered, cultural, any that calls for conformity. The goal is to understand where they are coming from.
Repeat, you do not have to like or share space with family to empathize with them. You do not need to keep contact if that is your choice. You can understand their behavior with empathy without enabling it.
As someone who’s in the difficult process of trying to figure this out whilst trying to balance my own emotions, big thank you. This is incredibly helpful
@@amusiclover7340 I believe in you, its a process and you'll get there ❤️
I do love this idea but it's also important to protect your own mental wellbeing and you need to consider whether you're in the right head space, especially considering (in my experience) it can lead to guilt. This is particularly hard if your parent used their trauma to guilt you in the past
I did that with my father. I understand every bit of why he does what he does.
And it makes me furious at him. He knows how it hurts. He knows how it ruined him
And he still did it to me. And does. Even as I tell him to get help. He went to therapy once, and she told him to heal. So he stayed away.
There is no hope for those who not want to change.
That's bs. Your well being comes before them. Of course they experience trauma but it was up to them to deal with it and THEY DIDN'T. And then they abused you. What you are saying essentially is enforcing an enabling mentality that their trauma is more important than yours. Hating your family is the healthiest thing to do because with anger comes acceptance. Deluding yourself will never get over the stages of grief. This is the equivalent of saying "what if your rapist experience trauma? a serial killer?" is it because they're blood relatives, you think they have more precedence over other abusers? Think about it. Why give your abusers a second chance.
This video really resonates with me cause I’m definitely dealing with generational trauma but I just wanted to say your lil “person telling you you need to stay with your parents no matter what” is so funny and I loved it so much thank you
Children like us who have dealt with severe neglect and abuse who have had it be systematically done to us for things outside of our control need to look into what separates childhood abuse and childhood TORTURE. And I assure you, you will not be prepared for the results.
What do you mean by this? Genuine question, I think I'm probably misunderstanding your comment, but the first thing I thought of when reading this is that you're saying abuse survivors need to apply the "it could be worse" approach by recognizing they were never tortured?
@@raspberrytaegi
No, from someone who just found out what I thought was “run of the mill” neglect was actually the systematic dismantling of me as a person with the i n t e n t on breaking me.
More people need to know what the difference is because we can’t know the true extent of how many of us have experienced it versus just being abused(which is still awful and should never happen either).
I’m more so trying to spread awareness for this
@@TheNameIsNym I think I understand what you're saying, thanks for taking the time to explain. Some people believe that abuse and torture are the same thing, what would you say specifically differentiates them?
You’re doing the thing people do when they’re talking to someone about their (the person being asked) particular brand of oppression where you(the person asking the questions that don’t need to be asked) could just fucking Google it like a normal person instead of making them(the person who was probably vague on purpose) rehash their fucking trauma for your enjoyment you absolute walnut.
I also was confused by this video. I wouldn’t say I was tortured, but I don’t think it’s simple for me to have empathy towards a mother who physically assaulted me well into my teen years (amongst religious abuse, emotional, financial, etc). It was beyond “normal” generational trauma…. There definitely is a spectrum. I understand she is human, but I have zero desire to empathize for her.
I came to your channel because of BTS and I liked a your music essays. One of the things that kept me interested in your channel after you changed some of the content was seeing how you would use empathy to approach a topic or situation whether when interacting with your live chats or just breaking down your thoughts on a subject. I found myself being more mindful and trying to approach people with more empathy and honestly I’m in a better place emotionally for it. It helps me better understand where someone is coming from and my own stance on something. Idk, I don’t feel like I’m making much sense but just know that your content has made me more thoughtful and curious. So thank you.
anne its always a pleasure hearing from you. it means so much to know im helping you in some way. blessings!
That part with the mom spoke to me too well…I need a hug 🥺
I just want to be able to move out and probably never talk to my father again. That would make me happy.
Very helpful for non narcissistic abuse victims indeed.
I guess this doesn't really work for me because I'm a victim of narcissistic abuse and the worst thing that ever happened to my abuser was his parents got divorced when he was nine and he decided to make it everyone's problem and honestly he has no feelings, if he had feelings he might actually care before he kills people.
The rest of the video really helps a lot mostly in telling people that they should let go and wait for the day their narcissist is gone and carry on life without them. Because there is no forgiving a narcissist and there is no letting them back into your life without risking your own health and I've already risked my own health for decades.
Be empathetic and care about yourself. Even if it means cutting people who don't care about you out.
Thank you for this video, though. It taught me little things I'd never noticed parents do, and to never do them around my kids ever.
Stress related comment
Always doing the right thing may not always lead to the best outcome, but that does NOT mean that doing the right thing doesn’t work. It works, but Everything goes up and down. How you seen a graph in rising companies? It goes up, then down, then up again, then down again. I’m not saying that during the low you should ignore your feelings, and “grind” to the top. No, I’m suggesting that it’s ok to be sad, ok to be mad. In lower moments or in higher moments it’s ok to f e e l .But dont let it overcome you and the good decisions you make.
Alot of the time during bad times, people try to find a way out. That’s great! You know what’s better? Finding the solution. In an escape room, you don’t just break the door. You find the k e y. There is always a key. You just need to find it.
I totally agree with you. Also taking breaks time to time Is also important. Trying to heal trauma itself is a very brave choice. Yes most of them do it, but it doesn't make it less difficult or easy. Just take it easy and go on in your own pace. Try to hold space for the less comfortable emotions that come up and express them in a healthy manner. It's not always easy, but nothing is impossible!
As someone who has been focused on motivational self-help for a long time, and the depths of psychological literature thereafter, I find your perspective refreshing and a much needed change of pace. Focusing too much on the 'I' as the problem really ignores the political nature of trauma that was passed down through multiple generations. Looking forward to reading the book recommendations. This video really resonated with me on a deep level, thank you for your fine work!
I notice a lot of like, insecurity on my mom's side. I'm from norway and I live comfortably compared to a lot of people, but hear me out. Norway was one of the poorest countries in europe 100 years ago, so there's bound to be like, poverty based generational trauma.
Now that I've become older and starting to make sense of things, I can see how my grandaunt's death really affected my great grandmother, leading her to be abusive towards my grandmother (it should have been you instead,) and my grandmother being abusive against my mom (never thinking she was good enough.) my mom has been kind of abusive towards me at times, really projecting.
But also the family farm was gambled away like 150 ish years ago, just bad thing after another. Times were tough in old norway lol.
This reminds me that here in the USA, my familes successful factory was gambled away in the 1930s in a poker game
I don't even know what they were doing 150 years ago, I think they were speaking Gaelic
then in the 80s two of my great grandfathers sold off lots of land bit by bit so his children could get tons of college education
They never made lots of money with it just act SUPER elitist for having phds that their grandkids don't have the resources to get because we need to work cheap service jobs to buy all the things their parents got them for free
Thank you Elliot.
I needed this so much. I always go through a lot this time of year due to generational trauma. This video helped me feel seen and comforted & know that I am not going through this alone.
Thank you for all your work & all that you do.
Happy Holidays.
Honestly I needed this! I've been feeling really bad and tired all the time and i also have several insanely important exams for the next six months and i just had a really bad entrance exam. It feels good to hear that i still have to do my homework and study even if it feels unimportant. Thanks a lot
all of your videos have such a nice vibe, lovely video, elliot
Thank you for this video, I’m quite late but I am definitely sending this video to a friend. My friend has been telling me about his issues recently and it sounded a lot like generational trauma, and this video really nails it in the head. I appreciate your middle grounded opinions and the open discussions you have with your audience that seems really prevalent here. I’ve been subscribed for awhile now and keep up the good work!
thank you for making this video, especially the final remarks about keeping yourself healthy, genuinely needed it today
That was a MARVELOUS analysis of generational trauma: eloquent, simple and hit pretty damn close to home. I needed something like it in my life. Thank you so, SO much! 🥰
Thank you for mentioning Dr. Máté Gábor, he gave me a lot of comfort and good thoughts, ideals about addiction and trauma as well. I am really gratefull especially as a Hungarian.
Thank you for making videos on importnat matters, I hardly ever comment, but I watched a lot of them and I appreciate the way you talk about things, I like how you can give quite a complex view of it that makes me think a lot.
I hope all of you have a nice week and sorry for my English writing, i am better at understanding 😅.
Happy New Years 💟
Happy Holidays! Loved the "chilling the hell out" joke lol. Good luck on your journey, I too am trying my best to heal trauma and be healthier aka chill the hell out ;)
As someone who struggles with generational trauma, and is worried about being entangled within it for a long time in the future, this is the best advice that I need! I especially love how you presented and explained all of your points in this video. Thank you so much!
This is really important. I do want to mention generational trauma exists also very prevalently in Jewish communities for similar reasons. Eventhough we haven't been subjects to colonialism , we have been subject to similar marginalization and otherization as a lot of colonial groups since historically jews have existed as an hated ethnic minority in many areas and have never really had our own homeland either. Even now that many jews have settled in places like America , there's still a really strong underlying anxiety from our immigrant grandparents and parents that were going to get "kicked out" again or even hurt or killed, and that anxiety trickles down to generations that haven't experienced that trauma.
But of course none of these online leftists will ever mention this as we’re nothing more than another group of white people to these people
This reminds me a lot of the societal trauma we've faced as French-Canadians. Quebecers have this reputation of being racists and close minded, but what people (the rest of canada) don't understand is that this racism from our older generation (it's rather uncommon within people our age) comes from the trauma of our own colonization (don't get me started on the problems that our double state of colonised colonisers have caused within our society because I Have A Lot To Say On It) by the English. Our grand-parents are closed to immigrants because they represent the stranger and for a very long time, almost every strangers in qc were english coming here to tell us we were inferior because we didnt speak english and were catholics. Most people here wanted a law against religious signs because the Church was responsible for telling us what to do and not do and that we werent made for greater things up until the 60s, our grand-parents came to associate religion with oppression, of course most people here are now unable to see it in a neutral light!
I wish people outside of Qc would be more comprehensive with us, kinda like you advised we be with our own traumatised family. Of course we didn't have it as bad as Natives had (and still have) it, but we'll never be able to better ourselves if people don't allow us to come to term with what happened and to start healing.
Your video helped me clarifie some things I had been trying to get a grasp of and getting a solution to ease this on me. I've reacted poorly to the close-mindedness of some of my peers in the past, but now I feel like I'm ready to react with the empathy and a more gentler and nuanced critique I struggled with offering them. Thanks, for real
I need to watch this thing whole but I just really had the realization one of my biggest stresses this year was just the generational trauma I was chalking it up on myself like I am in entering college age, and I was extremely conflicted, bc I grew up with a nurse mom and I know health is not an area I would enjoy working on, yet I constantly put off the idea of what I actually wanted bc I felt like if I didn't course something medical I would be a failure. This realization really helped me settle on the course I actually want, even if a bit late
The ability to make healthy choices already requires a significant amount of healing though
wow exactly what i needed. I have been struggling with some of these things lately, not knowing what to do or even think about them and this video really helped me analyse and make sense of some things. Thank you, I really loved the vid!!
I'm white but my family has been poor and abused for a long time. It makes sense that for so long all I've been able to feel is the weight of the world.
I've been trying my whole life to get better and my heart has finally budged.
Idk if I'll ever manage a normal life w/ all my issues but I will keep trying my beat w/ everything I got.
Thank you for sharing. Your video is so well dons.
My great-grandma was not a good mom. She didnt care for her kids and my grandma's sister ended up mentally disabled because she had a feaver that went untreated and it messed w her brain. Then, my grandma had a very awful marriage. Her husband (not my grandpa) was abusive towards my mom and her siblings - but not his own kids. My mom had to get married at 16 to escape him and didnt get to finish highschool until later in life. I think, out of all my grandmas children, my mom ended up the most okay. She has a stable job, marriage, doesnt do drugs, etc. However, I still get minor things. I have severe anxiety and depression. I crumble at even the slightest failure and am terrified of criticism. I've also almost just given up. I supposed to be "gifted" and I can't even get a B on my math tests. I've definately got a way better hand than my family but it still sucks.
I don't know about anyone else but I love your ad breaks they are relaxing and a great punctuation for large topic changes keep up the great work!
Such a good video! Especially about the Powerlessness part and the forgiveness part. Ah man, the heart disappeared 😢
Strongly worded comment.
Your content is my chicken soup for the soul or whatever those cheesy ass books were called that I didn't understand the obsession with throughout my fundie bubble upbringing..
Thanks for the soul food! Learning new things, feeling inspired with a side of validation, and super impressed by the manner in which you compassionately voice much needed societal criticism.
People such as yourself give me hope that future generations might actually be able to live in a world full of people that work towards respecting, understanding, helping, encouraging, and protecting each other.. while also turning away from intimidating bullying invading colonizing gaslighting etc.
This video really spoke to me. Thank you so much, you did a wonderful job with this video.
I had a mental breakdown on thanksgiving morning because I knew that one, I'd have to be around people all day and if I tried to leave I just "hated my family", and two I'd have to eat in front of them so brace myself for the comments on how much I'm eating 👍
just found your channel, your explanations are complete but easy to understand and your voice is really soothing! thank you for the video
Know those tiktoks in the beginning were ridiculously relatable.
It feels like fucking bizarro world. Like my ass walked out of the twilight zone. No one is consistent, they act like everything is normal until something happens to them. For me, people would come up with all kinds of criticisms and pull shit out of their ass that they did not believe. If I had a problem and I spoke up, I was crazy. If they had a problem, they can throw a fit and be violent. It's like being a bull in a China shop.
thanks for this video and so many others. they've honestly helped a lot
I stumbled upon your channel at the perfect time. Thank you for your videos. Really needed this one in particular.
You have no idea how much help this was , THANK YOU ❤
Good advice about not hating your parents. It’s difficult for me right now, but I can see the logic in what you are saying.
Having this type of positive outlook on generational trauma is honestly really comforting, thank you.
Thank you for these discussions on CPTSD. And thank you for not using background music! The content and your delivery are plenty interesting on their own.
this video feels like a christmas gift
everytime I watch your videos, I learn something new! keep it up
Thank you. I’m so glad the algorithm recommended your channel
Wow, this video is great, I can resonate very well with what's said. I'll also add that mental health issues within a family can spread very easily. I'm not sure how far back it spans, but both my parents and some of their parents I'm almost sure have undiagnosed bpd or narcissism. I'm almost certain my sister has bpd and maybe even I have some undiagnosed personality disorder. It's something that can very easily be "spread" to kids, and thus it repeats an endless cycle of hurt and suffering. The part about feeling empathy for your abusers or otherwise toxic family members is something that's absolutely essential to grow from the intergenerational truama. Because even in very extreme examples those people aren't completely evil, they have some good aspects to them, and you may have some good memories of them when they were showing love. And accepting that that came from a toxic individual is the first step to realizing that a good person can have toxic moments. And when those moments happen it's best to have compassion for yourself and the person you're being toxic to, so as to not "re-offend".
Great video I teared up at a point. I love educating myself on this topic even tho I was aware of most of the tips Perspectives can be extremely helpful finding more clarity. I’ll definitely be looking out for your uploads thank you Elliot I appreciate you sending love from cali ❤
great video, I didn't know I could be so chill, thanks
In an often hopeless feeling world, young people like you give me hope. Thank you and love from a Baby Boomer.
Great video, great takes, keep it up 👍
Along with Encanto, Turning Red (Pixar film) is a beautiful exploration of generational trauma.
I agree
This is such a good video! Great job 👏🏻 Love Gabor Mate too!
I haven't finished the video, but I just need to say that I know my folks have been through rough things, but that doesn't make what they've done to me ok. I think in trying to heal the inner child in me, I've become more protective, understanding, and nurturing of my parents. Like taking my mom for ice cream or shopping and buying my dad a ww2 book because he's fascinated with that time. It's like sort of letting them be my kids in a way so they can heal too.
You make good shit and your cadence is soothing. You challenged my personal line of acceptance when it comes to the role my parents played in my personal trauma experience. Religious trauma and rural life is a whole other topic, but I certainly have resentment for my parents that I have yet to fully let go of. My brain seems to think that if I ruminate enough… maybe I can change the past. In reality for me it seems to be continuing the path of empathy, acceptance, and healthy boundary setting.
A lot of times when it comes to this issue, I feel like I am of more similar mind with my family rather than my friends, but still not enough to fully agree, which makes it really hard to relate to anyone. My peers hate the mindset of my family/their generation, which I have, and my family hates the mindset of my peers, which I also have. So I just feel stuck in the worst spot possible.
My mom has broken the cycle… her trauma is unfathomably bad and I don’t know if I can even comprehend it. The difference between my upbringing and hers is crazy different, I’m glad she’s healed and still healing.
thanks for your videos!
such an amazing video… definitely have some thoughts thinkin
Thank you so much because I feel as if im one step closer to becoming a better person, thank you ^^
My family is not traumatized
I offer a unity
All are welcome to unite with us
your videos are really good. will plug you on my socials
I was Always so Kind and warm. To make relationships better one Person has to make the First step and start with kindness and Love. I Made so often this First step, and yes i saw many positive effects. But Just now i got so frustrated, after so many years will ever anyone else in my Family choose to make the First step and give more Love than he has already got? Thank you for your video💜
Your are very Kind and you are Not afraid to speak your mind. Your Family must be very greatfull to have you. I Hope you will have Kids one day, you will be a great father, No doubt💪
💚
needed this
if your mom yelling at you cause you're lazy and can't even clean your room when guests are coming over is trauma then we are doomed as a society.
I just found one of your videos and I thought you seemed cool so I looked for another one to watch and this feels like a coincidence that it was the second last posted video lol I feel seen ❤
Society is changing fast, and I think people take for granted that we're in a very peaceful time (relatively speaking), which won't last forever. Future generations (maybe even Gen Z) will be traumatized and they will pass that on to their children. It's possible that it'll be worse than anything we've seen in the past so far.
Everyone likes to see the world as a linear progression, e.g. we've been making progress since the beginning of humanity, but frankly that's just not how it's ever worked. There have been incorrect assumptions that we held for thousands of years, with entire societies built around protecting those incorrect assumptions, and they took centuries to replace with something else.
Nobody is perfect, and we definitely have incorrect assumptions about how the world works today just as we did 2000 years ago, and we aren't running it in a perfect manner right now. Things are alright for the time being, but nothing lasts forever.
There will be more violence, bloodshed, and horrors beyond our comprehension in the future, especially with the advent of more advanced technology and increasingly authoritarian governments. The process will start all over again. Trauma is simply part of the human existence, and the best way to deal with it is to find a philosophy to live by, discover who you are, and let go of the past/things that are out of your control.
I read meditations by Marcus Aurelius, Letters from a Stoic by Seneca, among other material to learn about stoicism. I have began attempting to apply it to my own life, and it has improved my mental serenity by a great margin.
I rewatched this so many times because I kept falling asleep while watching ✨
You are a good man Elliot.
This was so interesting to listen to
I live in sri lanka and my mom and dad have alot of generational truama.
Which luckly doesn't effect us as much, thanks to my mom but it still gives me alot insight.
thank you for the vid :)
completely off topic but i have that exact same sweater you're wearing, great video
I really love your videos.🥰💝💖💗