I heard someone say recently "Your child has had to come to terms with the fact that they might have to live with the pain of you dying before they ever reconcile with you, and they’ve accepted that as less painful than living with you as you are now.” It's really resonated with me. I've been estranged from my father for a number of years, and made the choice to become fully estranged from my mother recently after years of boomerang estrangement. I had to realize that I've been grieving for almost my entire life and give myself space to fully grieve the relationship I've never been able to have with them after a lifetime of pleading to be heard and seen and loved.
I won't be attending any funerals. I'll send flowers if someone decides I'm worthy of notification. Physical abuse as a child followed by decades of mental torture has left a void where once a heart resided.
My parents and brother died estranged. I think the greatest grief was in going No Contact. Death just finalized everything, nail in the coffin of hope…but also a sense of deep relief and peace.
My oldest brother and mother died estranged, she so wanted to see him before her death. How do you feel about your brother? I find myself feeling anger and estranged now with my brother.
My father died a month ago and we’ve been estranged. I did the decent thing and reached out to my step-mother offering help. She shut me down fast (through my brother) and made it clear I would not see him before he died. I was doing what I thought I was “supposed” to do-offer help, put aside everything because this was now death for my father. I was very mad at first because I assumed my step-mother would put the past behind us. They’ve never treated me as anything but crap so why would I expect different in this situation? A month has gone by now and I’m relieved. I was sad at first for a couple days thinking of the good times we had (few and far between). It’s a relief knowing he can’t hurt me anymore. I stand just a little bit taller in this world.
There is no easy way out. To stay and be abused destroys your soul. You mourn them when you leave. You mourn again when they die. Bottom line is you must save yourself. We all have the right to feel safe, loved, heard. That will not happen in a dysfunctional family. Pave your own way. Keep moving forward. Don’t look back.
I am estranged to my family of narcissistic abusers. I am the autistic scapegoat. I was diagnosed at 5 years old but my mother hid it from me and put me in the care system (and did not tell them). If I cried (even as a toddler) my mother would violently slap me and beat me. She told everybody that my autistic meltdowns (due to abuse) were demon possession when I was a child and I was going to burn for ever more in hell. When I was an adult, she told everybody that I was crazy and would try to section me regularly under the mental health act. They would break or steal all of my possessions and sabotage my relationships (even with my grown up kids). I have had to go no contact after a life of abuse and relationship sabotage. I found out I was autistic (at 50) when a doctor went back and checked my records. I had been lied to all of my life. When my mother and/or siblings go, I will not shed any tear. Due to my upbringing, I have c-ptsd, ADHD, type 2 diabetes, IBS and autism. Letting go of them is the most important thing I ever did.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of that in your life! Knowing I’ve been through a similar situation with both my parents, I’m currently going through therapy to work through a process on separating from them. Unfortunately I’m the type of person who would still love them, even knowing all of the abuse they inflicted upon me. I can love from afar, but I’m just not going to do it living in the same house with them. I was even irrationally angry before therapy, and when I finally told her everything that happened to me, and I’ve never told anyone else (not close to extended family member and no friends) I just broke down. But it was needed, now I just feel more focused on myself and my goal to leave.
I wholeheartedly understand. You estranged yourself from your parents for your own survival. Don't apologise for it as that's your first responsibility. Take care and be well.
I was no contact with my dad for 20 years. My little brother went to live with him and "take care" of him. Got parentified. Brother turned in to an alcoholic. Dad died. My bro and covert narc mom did not tell me about the funeral. Did not tell me where or when. Dad got cremated. Brother took all dad's money and 4 bedroom house. Brother took dad's ashes and keeps them on a shelf in the house. My brother lives alone in the 4 bedroom house. He's too neurotic to work. Just spends dad's money and drinks himself to sleep every night alone in the house and has had 2 MRIs where he almost died from drinking. He's the golden child. True story. There ya go.
Oh gosh. That’s heartbreaking on so many levels. The toxicity lives on if it’s able to, doesn’t it?.... Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate your honesty. Glad you’re out of the mix. 💜
Tom Huck- You focused on not getting any money from the dad you had no contact with for 20 years. Did you expect things to go differently like being told about his death and be remembered by him in his will? Your brother did for your father what you did not. Sounds to me like he and your father understood each other so he was rewarded in the end by his father. You did what you thought was better for yourself and you were not bothered with info about the end of the man's life. So now go your way and be happy for your brother and his decisions about his life and be happy for yourself and your decisions you made about your life.
Wish I knew more about your story. I guess it makes sense that he gets everything if he stayed in their life. Unfortunately that shouldn't be a surprised. So sorry you were not told but again I don't know why you didn't talk to him while he was alive. I understand why they would be upset
Both my parents died when we were estranged. It's the worst thing in the world. I held my mother's hand as she died and prayed over here. Her last conscious act was to push my hand away and roll her eyes at me. Tragic. Plus I was disinherited and left nothing. My Narc brother got it all. I don't feel guilty because my conscience is clear. Sending love to all my fellow scapegoats out there ❤❤❤
Oh that is horrible. I am so sorry. But thank you for sharing....it helps me see that impending death does not necessarily cultivate wisdom. My mother estranged me, and I always thought in the back of my head that if she had the opportunity she would try to reconcile before she died. I see now that may not be the case. And I feel ok with that. Sending love. We all deserve a mother who wants to hold our hand.
When my mother was dying, I sat on her bed and held her hand as she was unable not to, and as she would always otherwise resist/refuse. I looked into her eyes and said "I love you mummy".... she replied with "Mmm yes", so I said it again and with much love and conviction, "Mummy , I love you". And she finally said to me "I love you too Sophie". It was the first time that she had ever said it to me, but still I had to work so hard and show such need and sincerity in order for her to be able to reciprocate. This is now a small compensation that I carry with me for all the narcissistic abuse I endured.
I know how that felt. As a child I remember the shame I felt when she would push me away. I got more love from my stuffed bear than I ever did from her. I have moved from anger towards her to pity. She truly was the Mother of all Lies. She hated herself more than she ever loved me. In my heart I know that she hated me. My loving brother had the animas to tell me to my face that he always wanted a brother just not me. That was the last thing he ever said to me, he died of lung cancer 4 months later. That was extremely hateful thing to say but karma kicked in and took away the breath from his body as he choked gasping for one breath as he died. I don’t feel guilt or remorse for his dying nor do I care. It is cathartic to unburden myself like this. Thank you for reading my story. Better get busy living or get busy dying. I’m just getting warmed up, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of promises to keep. Peace out ✌️😎 P.S. Take your compensations where you can and be thankful. It may not be much but it’s there. Sometimes the smallest diamond can be the most precious and other times it’s just a piece of coal. It’s what you make of it that counts.
That's what should've been done in her living years.i guess her money motivated u to finally say and accept sorry and move past the grudge.Greed is often the reason behind the estrangement
My heart breaks at your final attempt. It's a heartwrenching situation but so glad you could allow her to say those words with all your heartfelt effort.
Thanks for making this video and putting it out there. I held onto the hope that one day they will take care of me after my younger siblings grew up. Such a wrong notion to hold onto...I have now learnt after a LOT of waiting that it will never happen. I too dread the time when they will not be around...as my whole lifetime this far to carry so much baggage...wonder if I will be able to let go of some of the baggage once they are not around
I was estranged from my father off and on for years. But when he got ill and on his death bed,I knew I had to give our relationship one more chance. So glad i made that decision because through out the years we just bypassed so many things that could have totally changed our relationship. He was under hospice care. It gave us time to sort things out. To this day, it has given me a chance to live a healthier life. My father refused to take any medication for pain on his death bed because he wanted me to get all the answers i needed. This is no lie, i fell in with love with my father on his death bed. So many things we held inside, and so much anger i held against him proved to be not so important at that moment. I held his hand as we prayed together. The memories i have about my father to this day is that im still in love with my father. The forgiveness was more for me than my father. My decision to take this last minute effort was the right one for me
FINALLY....ONE PERSON THAT MAKES SENSE IN THIS CHANNEL.... YOUR COMMENT WAS THE ONLY ONE I RED SO FAR THAT SPEAKS OF THE RIGHT WAY TO DO THINGS...EVERYBODY ELSE SEEMS IN A SELF PITY PARTY...mostly because I don't know the details of their broken connections with the family members... but honestly..all these beefs seem so unimportant when you really get to know your parents...I mean NORMAL PARENTS DO NOT hurt our children on purpose...we are human begins and faulty and have fears and dreams and carry baggage like everybody else...but I am amazed as to how easy the new gens let go of people as the slightest of they feeling hurt. They just can cope with anything hard in their way, nothing.
Her comment and experience is such a blessing. Please consider that each persons situation is unique and in this situation... it is rare that a parent with extreme narcissistic traits would do this. Yes...even on their death bed. It is possible and I pray for all to continue to pray in faith. We all need to have a deep forgiveness for anyone who has ever hurt us, especially our parents; however, it can be very dangerous for some to even get an inch closer to them after no contact if they are truly dealing with evil. @@OrionEstrella
@@OrionEstrella There are plenty of us old people who estranged. The kids are all on social media, which is why this issue is getting talked about. I wish I could say I grieved when my mother died. I didn't. And I don't miss her.
Those of us watching this video get it. There is no joy in being estranged, and as the kids we do everything in our power to come up with another answer. In my case, my family betrayed me when I was at my most vulnerable and I had to stay away because they were harming me when I was involved in a brutal divorce from a diagnosed sociopath (aspd/npd). My mother died after twenty years of estrangement and it was difficult mostly because I knew I'd be misunderstood. Yes, the mourning has gone on since the estrangement began (and before). This isn't the way any of us wanted it to be.
Once that parent actually passes away, it doesn't feel anything like you thought it would. If you have anything that went unsaid, you will replay it in your head forever.
If you had anything left unsaid, the conversation that you imagined having with that narcissist parent would have gone NOTHING like you imagined. It most likely would have been very hurtful and hateful. I hope this comment brings you some peace.
Anything left unsaid would have been a waste of time, anything I did say was disregarded/ laughed at/ twisted into another version so I had nothing more to say. Job done.
My narc brother died last year January after a long period of no contact... no one attended his sickbed nor his funeral. The grief was awkward, not happy but certainly not sad. Not even his daughters attended the sickbed nor the funeral. It strengthened me in my radical acceptance that he had been a toxic influence in my life being a narcissist.
Im glad you wrote a letter. Unfortunately my mom and I ended out conversation with me having to cut her off financially after she tried to kill me. I didn’t need to support her. It was hard to cut her off. But I never wanted her to know I was ever “selfish” like she painted me out to be. I sleep at night knowing I was kind in the end despite enduring what feels like a lifetime of trauma
At 15 years old I was told by my step-dad I was worth more than I was being treated by family I got on the back of a horsevan and left for New Orleans thanks Ed I love you for all you saw in me when I saw nothing 63 now estranged from my only son I thought I could protect him from my own family why didn't I see what they were doing to me and him
Don't be so hard on yourself. For the vast majority of us (abuse victims of these narc monsters) we don't see what they are doing until the damage is done.
My mothers last words to me were,”Will I ever see you again?” I was back from Belize,recently divorced,working two jobs,while living homeless in Houston,Texas. My Mom was in Connecticut. I worked two jobs to send money for my four children who were trapped in Belize. I endured horrible things no one should go through. My father had been a violent alcoholic and my mother submissive and depressed. I didn’t want to go back around them. I am sorry now. Years too late . Even if I had visited them once a month it would be nurturing to both I and them. I could have not visited when my dad drank. There were bad times but there were also good times. I got tremendous strength and determination and persiverance from them as parents. Nobody is perfect in this world we all come with flaws .
"There were good times". "Nobody is perfect". I applaud your maturity and your selflessness as you thought of them too. There is no love like a mother's. Can't speak for a father.
My daughter is bipolar and she has broken me completely. I love her and she has removed herself from me for two years. I believe she will be happy when I die. I keep praying that she finds peace and whatever she needs and I know I have done everything I can to be there for her. I am blocked from her and I am so sad.
I am sorry. Mental illness is so hard and takes a huge toll on family members. I wish peace for you too, knowing you did the best you could and she is on her own path.
She broke you?? A mental illness like bi polar usually has a genetic factor, ie runs in the family. Suppose it is easier to wash your hands of your child, put all the blame on them even though they did not ask to be born.
Went no contact with both pairs of parents after 22 years and it’s been a hard time. I’ve tried explaining to them, but it’s either ignored or met with resistance. I just graduated from college and am moving cross-country for myself. Especially now when living with BPD and CPTSD, it’s caused me to try to reevaluate a lot of my childhood experiences. You talking about the 1% of hope hit me hard because it’s an awful dichotomy. A lot of my family refuses to fully acknowledge all of the abuse, so it’s not something that I ever thought about. Self-awareness from abusive parents is almost impossible and it really hurts. I’m afraid of being happy when they die because I know I shouldn’t be. Sorry for rambling in your comments, but this helped me not feel so alone. Thank you for putting this into words that I’m not brave enough to say ❤️
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry you have been through such a difficult time, and now have to live with the consequences. I believe things will get better. I hope with time an distance you will get more clarity. And, I thing perhaps, you may find it is ok to be happy, even after such challenges, and when some people don't want you to be. You are strong and they haven't broken you. Hang in there. 💟
The « parent» was only a mask, the narcissist used to get narcissistic supply. The person we feel grief for has never existed. It was just a fiction. What’s important is to grief the parent/caretaker we never had. And the fact that we can give our selves closure. Let go of the toxic hope. I’m not going in my narcissistic mothers funeral when she dies, her life has in a way never existed . She was just a fiction in the same way as going to the theater or seeing a show on tv. That is how i view her now. I’m going to cry and morn her death. And to give myself the selfcare i need. But reality is that she is all ready dead to me. The rest of the family never had contact because she was a toxic addict. My sister has turned into a narcissist also ( we are estranged). You are only responsible for your own health. You are no longer a codependent. You don’t owe the narcissist or the enablers anything
I had constructed a loving mother in my mind and she had her face. But then she revealed her true self, her gaslighting narcissistic self and all of the trauma that was buried in my nervous system came out. It's like she peeled back her face and the serpent was revealed. I loved her so much , but I loved the illusion I created by burying my trauma. I miss the love I felt and the mum I thought I had ( I dont miss her ) . I know it was all a construct like the Truman Show. The biggest head fxxx I'll ever experience in my life.
@@vivdoolan6846 loving the illusion of a narcissistic parent is the crux of it, I agree. It is just too painful to admit the truth of who they really are. 😢
I went no contact in my 20's. I am now 57. I have learned that the narc will never concede to taking responsibility for hurting you. There is no apology or promise to do better. MY mother shall pass without my showing up. I accept it. 37 years has prepared me.
@@thescapegoatclub Best of wishes in your journey. Reach out to friends; grow your personal family, and don't look back. In hindsight I wish I had moved across country before I had children and became linked to the area. Thats the only thing I would change.
You and I both decided to go no contact at the same time. This was before people are talking about it like it they are now like it's an epidemic. At the time I had no cell phone, no internet and no outside influence to go no contact. I had 28 years of observed behaviors of my mother not wanting me around, ignoring me, neglecting me, making me her house and yard slave as a child. Emotional and financial neglect, no love, no hugs. Yet every birthday she would send a birthday card signed love mom. But all behaviors did not point to love. They pointed to neglected and indifference. Every birthday it was like she was pouring salt on a wound. A big lie. I had to stop that pain. I got a post office box for a few years and cancelled it after a few years and it worked. And yes I am the scapegoat of the family.
My narc father passed away a few months ago, without me showing up. It's a relief after they are gone. You can finally put it all behind you and move on.
My narc mother died today. Truthfully while I do feel relief, part of me does grieve what could have been. She had her moments where she was ok but those moments were few and far in between. She never attended my therapy sessions and I had to learn to be independent without her from a young age. Sure the rest of my relatives are calling me all sorts of names for cutting her off before she died (she passed from lung cancer), but I was and still am at peace for my decision to stand up for myself. I tried for years to have a good relationship with her but she mentally abused me and let my stepdad do it too. I was the family scapegoat but now I’m really free at last.
As a estranged mother, I want to say I’m so sorry that your parents didn’t see what they were losing when you gave them the chance to have you in their lives , I don’t know what the situation was I can only speak from my experience with my estranged now adult kids , I wish to god I would have made better choices for my kids when they were in my life and I try to hold on to the hope that my kids will see that I have made alot of good changes in my life since they’ve seen me and I hope one day they will want to let me show them I can be the better person that they wish they’d had when they were young 💔
@@thescapegoatclub thank you so much for replying and your kind words and thank you for posting this video it made me feel like I can understand more from their perspective, and again thank you 💔🙏💔
I am an estranged mum. My heart is so broken. I have a good relationship with my other 4 kids. None of us understand why my oldest son has done this. It happened when he was newly engaged (mind you, I loved his fiancé and was friends with her first - I worked with her, and I introduced them). I wish he would just communicate with me about his reasons. I understand there are reasons children cut their parents off (abuse, violence, control etc). I can honestly say I am a good mum. NOT perfect for sure. I’ve tried to apologise for anything and everything to no avail 😢
Hi, I felt your comment in my heart as I would say the same as a mom estranged from my adult children. I hope you and your children will be able to one day unite somehow❤
I asked my mother to move out of my home 2 years ago. She was draining me financially, emotionally, and putting a strain on my relationship with my daughter. Like everyone else, I could write a book on her unwillingness to care for herself. House foreclosures, car repossessions, she bled my grandmother, stepfather, and extended family dry. I was her only child. When I got her set up in an apartment, I still sent her money through my daughter who took her places. My mom would not come over for holidays, or speak to me. My daughter took her flowers and cake for her birthday, and her landlord came out and told my daughter that my mother had died. They had been trying to call us. Until the end there was no life insurance, no money. I paid to have her buried. It was a relief to get her out of my house, but I feel guilty that she died alone. I don’t know if anyone else is experiencing the guilt now that the end has come.
Hi Kelley, I’m so sorry to hear your story. From what you said, you did so much to support your mother. You let her live with you for a long time, and supported her financially and emotionally at the expense of your daughter and your own needs. That is a lot. Ultimately, as you say, adults have a responsibility to look after themselves to the maximum amount possible. Your mother chose not to speak to you, or come and visit. That was her choice, not yours. So if she died alone, rejecting your company, then that was her decision. I know it’s really hard when our parents expect us to support them emotionally, and that’s because they have trained us to think that way. I hope you can take some time to process such a difficult situation, and hopefully find a therapist who can help you work through the complexity of it all. Take care 💕💕💕
Your highly narcissistic (emotionally stunted) mother punished you for not allowing her to be completely irresponsible, entitled and abusive. And you have the patience of a saint btw. Narcs will never accept responsibility or accountability for anything. They think they are "god" and can do what they want and are there to be served and waited on by everyone around them. Just like their father Cain in the Bible.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It is not your fault dear one. You did all you could. Its not your fault. I pray you and your daughter go on to have much happiness and that you find peace.
This is something I have been grappling with as I have not seen my mother for the past 3 1/2 years and have had no contact through any means for the past 1 1/2 years. She is 83. The last confrontation I had with my narcissist brother, he screamed at me...'you probably won't even come to my funeral' my, my, my......always about them but zero concern about the extreme trauma both of them caused me over these past years. I have gone back and forth in my mind about this, and what I have currently settled on is that I will not attend any of my family/extended family funerals. It has taken me all of this time to come to my current state of tenuous health, and that needs to be my focus and concern now. My mother has already removed me from her Trust as far as I know (that was her first threat to me in this process). It has been the hardest thing to go through to face that those who I should have been able to trust the most in this life have chosen to betray me. It is an unimaginable pain. It is horribly destabolizing. I didn't think I would make it at times. But here I am.
My mother passed last week. We were estranged. I wanted to go see her. She told her nurses to take her off her machines to let her die before I got there. I'm experiencing way more grief and doubt then I ever imagined. I too know deep inside I did everything I could. I follow a hospice nurse and she really emphasizes if your parent is a narcissistic, they will be that to their core until their last breath.
This is such a heartbreaking story. I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope that your core knowledge that you did what you could will help you move through this. As the nurse says, narcissism will stay with people until the end. It is not your fault or your responsibility. Sending support to you! Take care xxx
You didn't abandon your parents. They drove you away. Despite your many warnings, their abuse was relentless and they had no intention of stopping. When your parents die, prepare yourself to be disinherited. That's their plan. They look forward to it... That final knife job into our back. Don't worry that they never loved you because narcs are incapable of love. Celebrate that you never loved them either. They didn't trick you into giving your love to them. You only loved who they were pretending to be when they were in their "Make-Believe *_'we're acting kind now'"_* schtick that they would use to discombobulated & gaslight you with every now and then just to keep you off balance and make you question your own reality. You only love to they were pretending to be. That was never the real them. I speak from experience. Like in your situation, both of my parents were narcs. They both died within one year of each other. Yay. In both situations, none of my three siblings/golden children brothers told me of the deaths of either of those parents. In both cases, I found out by chance. End of the story is I'm disinherited like most of We scapegoats are. That makes sense cuz they never helped me while they were alive so, why would they after they die? They used the idea of the WILL to try one last jab in the back. Not caring disarms that intent so, do yourself a favor and expect the worst from your abusers &, when they die, do yourself a favor and maybe do what I did when both of them are finally off the planet & crank the song MEXICAN TAXI by Herb Alpert, pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate*_ding dong the witch is dead_* 🥂 Cheers ❗
I've been in grief since i was a very young child. Death is just a formality on a certificate. Though we might sometimes feel that the greatest injustice of all is to be written out of their Will, after we've suffered so much, spent most of our lives trying to heal ourselves that we didn't prioritise our careers and making money, it's best to not even think about that. The vultures circling them have been following the money all along, and would have secured their share and ours a long time ago. Hugs and love to you and everyone here.
I been estranged from my children for 17-years. When I had leukemia I didn't get a "get well" greeting from them, or during Covid did they care if I was alive or dead. I recently made out a Will and my kids are not mentioned in it. I leave them nothing. I got no respect from them, so I owe them nothing. All of the talk is kids separating from their parents. I believe it is fair game for a parent to just estrange from their adult children. When I die, I will be cremated without a wake or funeral. So there is no need for the kids to show up and express guilt or feel obligated to make an appearance to keep peace in the family. I frankly wish them well, but I am entitled to living my life and make my own final arrangements that don't involve them.
@@brucebarr6542 I have done the same. It’s been 5 years. It’s painful, but I feel necessary. My Adult Children were beyond cruel to me during the hardest times in my life. We are free to live our own lives, make our own choices. Including our death. If our love meant nothing to them in life, our death will not matter either.
My vulnerable narcissistic mother died about a year ago after being estranged from her since I was an 18. I'm 62 now. I always thought the only way I could be free was when she died. When I found out she had died it was a strange mix of emotions including relief, anger again for being abandoned one last time and grief. It took me time to sort out all of the feelings. I feel more at peace now and have closed the chapter of holding onto any hope.
Thank you so much for commenting. I think the complex emotions you talk about sound so natural. I’m glad you are finally able to move on and let some peace in. 💗
I think it’s hard for family members to see that they’re not the only ones impacted. I can’t trust my boundaries won’t be crossed. They’re not bad people, but they’ve made me lose my trust in them. I’ve been going on for 4 years and can relate a lot to what you’ve said. I agree, right now the healthiest version of me is to be estranged. I am also uncertain of the future as my family ages. They want me back in their lives but I just don’t feel like I can give them what they want without sacrificing my own well-being. Thanks for the video. This topic was on my mind today.
I say it’s best to stay away now before they need care in their older age. The abuse doesn’t stop in fact it only gets worse over time and you become locked into being their slave whilst they are on their deathbed (sometimes for decades as they seem to hang on for dear life making everyone around them miserable especially the scapegoated main carer) 😻
this is terrible advice...mark should get some professional counselling- You can heal your relationships with family if both of you are willing to do the work and set boundaries that are new and healthy- Family ties are the most significant in our learning process and many, not all are worth the effort of healing, there is an inner peace that comes with healing and people who take responsibility for their contribution of how things became toxic or unbearable can give us a new perspective on how we all make mistakes- all the best to Mark and I hope you get good professional advice before you have any more regrets.@@thescapegoatclub
I'm just happy that i was my mom's caretaker and was with her until the very end. She apologized for the abuse that my dad perpetrated on me, he abused her horribly. I will not acknowledge when my dad passes away and he's already in his 90s. I won't go to the funeral. I am totally done! I have had to grieve the betrayal from him more than once when I made the mistake of letting him back in my life when I shouldn't have. The abuse only got worse. I'm done with thinking about feeling guilty. That train has done left the station. This is been going on my whole life and I'm almost seventy years old. I just pray that I don't have to see him in the afterlife and that he does not see my mother either.
I’m so sorry you’ve had so many years of abuse and sadness. It’s so sad, but such a great reminder that if we go back and get abused again, it would be a mistake to do so again. If people are determined to treat us badly, the consequences are on them. I’m wishing you peace and the ability to live your own truth for your future. Take care 💕💕
I'm so sorry VM. What you express about the afterlife wow, that resonates so much. I used to be afraid of going to heaven because the bully would be there to terrorize and harm once again. The more i studied the Word, the more i realized the "wicked" go to another place, where for the first time in their existence they may know what it was on earth to have to live in their decades long reign of their own terror and tyranny. Still i pray they repent at least to God before they go, as i wouldn't wish that place on anyone. Well, in moments of anger i did sometimes cry out for justice. Those of us who were abused may never see it in this life, heaven may be the only place where we are finally free of these creatures. I too made the mistake of letting him back in my life, they wax worse and worse with age, i so deeply regret ever cracking the door. Was no contact over 17 years--only to go back to zero. It's robbed me of peace, joy. Betrayal is their life. Never go back.
I'm with you, I gave it everything I had, left no stone unturned . I have absolutely no regrets because I know I tried every single thing and they chose to erase me. There's real comfort in knowing I did everything and I think the deepest mourning has already happened. I am honestly frightened about the complex grief .... I feel it all so much I thought I wasnt going to make it so God knows how I'll cope when one or other dies.
You sound like a true survivor to me. Having gone through so much shows you can get through whatever else you have to. And I truly believe that the stronger we are, the better we can handle what comes our way. I think dealing with the inevitable as our best selves has to be the smartest move. If we’re under their control and messed up emotionally, there is only going to be one outcome. This way maybe we have a chance? I hope so. And I’m with you ❤️
@@dessiecoder2116Children do not have Adult Agency. There is no way to “make amends” with monsters. Accept your’s are gone: We all know why-and so do you despite your transparent reflexive defense mechanisms.
I personally feel that when you go "no contact" you need to accept that you may never, ever see or contact the parent and their supporters again. To my mind, this also means you must accept that you are also voluntarily disavowing yourself of any potential inheritance. I really don't care to see any of them ever again. It's been nearly 25 years now for me. My half sister has approached me several times now, and I have simply kept walking. I realize that I will die alone, but then, we all do in the end. I tried going "low contact" first, btw, but I peronally suspect that low contact rarely works. When my parent dies, I can tell you that I wil essentially be indifferent.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It sounds like you have had plenty of time to adjust to the space you have from them. Glad you are doing well, away from them. 🙂
Low contact worked with me for a while. It was that way for a long time. It really depends on what happens, and how insidious the abuse is. Eventually, I had to cut ties. I did get an equal share of the inheritance, though. I was shocked when I received the check and very grateful. I'm sure my siblings don't think that I deserved a dime, but they had many advantages that I did not have. I don't grieve my father's death, but I do think of him often. I keep him in my prayers.
@@chocolate-eq6jn Most likely the narcissist want your siblings to think this way. Even from the grave the narcissist has control over their emotions and thoughts. The enablers/flying monkeys`s/servant`s/ psycofants of the narcissist live in the fantasy world of the narcissist. For most low contact works as long as the narcissist has other sources of supply. When these sources dry out they start to hoover, with the use of lies, gaslighting, and the " i have changed scam" or the " i`m going to change scam", a " trojan horse gift" or some other ploy made to brainwash the victim and get the victim back to the "slave plantation" to be harvested
I’m so pleased this popped up! My husband’s father just passed and the dad divorced his kids along with their mum. We did see him in hospital before he passed and my husband said what he needed to and forgave his father. By that time, machines were keeping him breathing, no brain activity at all. My husband feels a sense of peace he never had before. It’s gut wrenching to have a parent chose to leave you and live a whole new life with a new family.
My narc dad passed away 4 days ago. I have not felt any grief or loss. I went around 3 years with no communication with him. I honestly have never had any good relationship with him ever. I have felt like he has always played mind games with everyone in our family and has always been so abusive and controlling. Even up to his last day he was that way. Right now I am feeling a little guilty that I have no feelings of grief or sadness. I'm just ready to keep moving forward in my life, but I feel like my siblings are feeling differently maybe? I honestly don't know how they feel. But I have moved on with my life without him a long time ago. I think you are doing the right thing by doing what's best for you and your own mental health. I definitely will subscribe to your channel!
Old scapegoat here. I’d give anything to have a few last minutes with my emotionally abusive mother. Even though she was nasty to me and pushed me away(again) the last few weeks of her life, she was the only mother I had, or will ever have. We shared many years together and share the same blood. I understand her upbringing and what made her the way she was. I hold no ill will towards her.
My mother who was the main, obvious narc died 4 years ago and I'm still recovering after all the c... before and after her death. I was in fact nc with her for nearly 2 years before she died, withdrawed in the last minute, cause I was just about to collapse and would no be able to rescue myself. People around m were telling me that I would be sorry, that I would miss her after she dies no matter what, that it would "come after me"...but it didn't. I knew it, I felt it and I was right....there was no missing, no grief,no sorrow for not seing her - nothing of a kind. I cried once or twice when I found some old documents about my birth and some doctors stuff and I was brought back in time. I cried knowing that I never had parents, not just no mother, also no father. But there was a huge relief after her death and then after some time memories start to bubble, and I'm still dealing with it, but it is just hate, anger and disgust for her. I'm affraid that people who have not lived it, will never ever truely understand. They will never get why we have to go NC, how painful and abusive they realy are, howmuch they affect our health, even if we don't expect nothing from our parents, they are stll leathal. I've kind of lost hope that people will get it. I'm from Eastern Europe and I've followed some discussions about it here in my country - about NC, about childhood wounds etc. and many people commenting were saying same old mantra_ you have to forgive, you have to let go, they suffered, too, or it was alchocol that made them behave badly. Maybe some of the commentators are narcs, too and that have children that went NC....who knows....but mostly people think it is overreaction, unfortunatelly. And also lots of people that were victims themselves are not willing to save themselves and take their parents c....I suppose the truth is rather grim and horrible and they don't want to see it no matter the cost.
Thank you so much for sharing your sad story. I feel I can relate so much.... and you are so right. So many people either don’t understand, or have difficult relationships with their kids too and are scared or want to shame us so they don’t have to face their ugly truths. I really hope you can heal and move on. I know the journey is long, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Grieving what could have been, not what was. It’s hard to let go, that’s for sure. Take care 💕💕
@@thescapegoatclub Thank you so much!... Yes, unfortunately....itis still a huge taboo and a lot of people think you should just take it, not even talk about it and most certainly not go NC or talk "badly" about your parents. But we know how bad it is, what all we have done to make things better. Wish you all the best on this long voyage, too!:..🙂👋🏵
The only people who will ever truly understand are the people who experienced it too. I fully understand everything you are saying , it's also extremely difficult to get people to understand because the abuse is so insidious . Match that with the taboo and as if we weren't isolated enough by having to estrange for our sanity, the lack of understanding and taboo nature of the estrangement magnifies the isolation x 1000
@@vivdoolan6846 so true. That’s the main reason for this channel. I think having the support of others who understand, even if it is virtual, is so healing. Knowing we aren’t alone is empowering when all of our power has been taken away. Thank you for being here 💕
Thankyou, my 2nd year no contact. Your videos make me feel sane & validated. It's funny how so many of the/their scripts I've heard are so similar ie - "you destroyed the family". Apparently I'm going to "roux the day I tried to split this family up" said very recently to my closest friend by my Narc Stepfather. So it's still going on and I'm not even there... I'm 43 yo with an 8yo son, they have never even tried or asked to see my son. But frequently tell others how they're not allowed to see him. I definitely keep him away, as my Stepfather was doing the same to him he used to to me, and would also run me down to my son when he was 4-6 years old, when my son wouldn't have it or agree, he'd berate him and curse terribly, that's when I was around to hear it, don't want to imagine what was said when I wasn't.
It definitely sounds like you are getting told the same propaganda that I am. And it’s amazing how the ‘facts’ change to support their victim stories, isn’t it? I’m glad to hear you are out of it. I hope you’re doing ok 💜💜
@@thescapegoatclub thank you, I did go through a horrible process while grieving and realising what I'd actually been living through. Did eventually come to a place of complete peace with them all gone. I'm absolutely thriving, I'd just left a dv situation too before having to go no contact phase... of course they all made friends with him, and "he's a lucky man to get rid of me" 🙄
@@amitypurple oh god, I am so glad you're out of all of that. thriving makes me so happy to hear. I think in some perverse way having been through such difficult times can allow us to really enjoy life when we're free 💖
Thank you for sharing your story and your perspective. I was estranged from my mom for 8 months before she passed away. I was 53 at the time, I have a thick skin having dealt with her all of my life. I was caregiver for her for 3 years prior but our relationship was extremely toxic and I was losing my sense of self and it became extremely unhealthy for me on a daily basis. I tried many strategies to distance myself from the toxic abuse, but nothing worked. All I wanted was to care for her in her older years and give back to her for the life she gave me but she didn’t make it easy for me mentally and emotionally. I had to leave. Sometimes it’s best to leave the caregiving for the professionals and not family. I held onto a lot of guilt and had to do a lot of healing after she passed, however, I now realize it was best for me for my own self preservation and protection.
So true. It’s not as if aging stealthily creeps into one’s home in the darkest of nights, secretes itself in the hall linen closet and at some later in time point jumps out and yells, “Surprise!” They know. We all do. They deserve nothing from those they abused.
@@tundrawomansays694 💯 well said, yeah, they make their death beds, they have to lay in them. 18+yrs is a lot of time not to course correct, then all those years to old age on top! It always breaks my heart to see people say they're taking care of abused parents and they're still being abusive. 😓
I am going through this right now. I have tried to practice what I might say when they are gone. This is the best I have come up with so far: "They saw what they wanted to see, they thought what they wanted to think, they felt what they wanted to feel, and they did what they wanted to do." "They were the way they were, good or bad, with or without me" "I tried my best"
One thing I realised is that nothing can change and the best thing I had to do was to stop caring. Once I stopped caring, I was free. It was 60 years of caring about my family that nearly killed me but I no longer care because my not caring any more is no different to them as me caring had been but for me, it's a massive difference. Now I am free.
I had two heart attacks last year from Covid. As I was on the catheterization table, my heart went into a horrible arrythmia and I was convinced that this was it. I was not afraid, but I was so sad that I would never be reconciled with my child. I hope that when your parents die, that you have peace. If they were abusive towards you, please don't feel guilty. If they were bad to you, they do not deserve to have you in their lives unless they own what they did and make ammends.
As an estranged Mom, hugs to you. At least you reached out to your parents and explained your perspective. I hope you find all the peace you deserve in your life.
Every day I would give anything to just see my parents again and be able to talk to them, so you may just want to give that some thought. Don,t know if your situation warrants the separation, only you know that. But, believe me nothing is worth never seeing them or talking to them again. Forgiveness is the key. Today, people are just separating Willy nilly. It,s popular. I think it,s quite juvenile. Everyone needs to grow up and move on. Just my thoughts. Good luck
@@barbarahess87 Yes. It's selfish and juvenile and disrespectful. But that seems to be the norm for this generation. I gave so much and lost so much and I don't know why. I would do anything, but it doesn't matter. They erased me from their life and they were my life.
@@juliadevine328 I'm old, and I estranged. Plenty of baby boomers and Gen X did. Don't blame it on this generation. DId they really give you no reason, or did you just dismiss the reasons they gave you?
@@barbarahess87 I know people who don't so much love their parents as endure them. Who regard their parents as an obligation they try hard not to resent. Is that really better than estrangement? A child who will be secretly relieved when you die?
I found that I was completely indifferent when my mother died. We’d been estranged for 40 years and I didn’t attend the funeral. Early on in our estrangement I had thoroughly imagined what my life would look like without her and that included facing her death. After 3-4 months of ‘mourning’ our relationship I embraced my new life. I’ve never looked back or regretted my decision. It’s called radical acceptance and it’s very liberating.
This was a very thoughtful video and a scenario that a lot of us are thinking about. Thank you for sharing. I just want to note too that I feel you were very graceful in how you handled some of the comments here. Some of these "parents" tell on themselves. Hope you continue to heal and have the beautiful life you always deserved. 🧡
I understand what you are going thru. The same question has been on my mind. Seven years ago, I went no contact because of constant mental abuse for 50 years. My husband who I married in my forties is my rock and sees the abuse that I have endured although he doesn’t understand it. I did go to my stepfathers funeral two years ago. He was a loving man they abused also. My one regret was not being there for him and talking him out of not leaving my mother 30 years ago because I was scared I would lose him. The funeral was hell. I remained calm and even tried to comfort my mom, who I quickly realized that she wasn’t mourning. Oddly, I still desire love from my mom and birth father that I will never get. So I made the decision to not go to either funeral. Not because I don’t care or don’t love them but because I would rather mourn in peace rather than chaos and hate.
Your story resonates so much with me, and I am so sorry you’ve had to go through so much. I also really appreciate your wisdom around wanting to mourn on your own terms. This makes so much sense to me. Better to do what feels right, safe and healing for you, than have to deal with other’s drama. Wishing you all the best 💗
My father and I were estrangement for 26 years with no contact, not on my end. I begged my stepmother to see him when he was ill, but she refused, and said she was honoring his wishes. I asked her to pass on that I loved him and left it.... I did attend the funeral after receiving a phone call the day he passed... Attending the funeral was a very difficult emotional process, but I was very proud of my decision to attend... In one way, it alleviated my anxiety around the estrangement, and I was able to process the loss of the relationship..I would recommend lots of emotional support/ counselling because the pain lessons but the mourning carries on as part of the process....
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds so hard…. I think there are no easy answers on this. But yes, doing what was right for you and being proud of yourself- amen! That shows so much strength. 💕
I mourned the death of my relationship with my parents when I realized they would never and could never change - that's when I went 100% no contact. Not expecting the death of their physical body to change much of anything.
There is always a solution. You need to find a mediator and learn to see the problem from 30,000 feet. Don’t waste another second. From your pain, it is clear you already know that the ultimate value is Love. Otherwise, you would not be feeling pain. Nothing is greater than Love. Set ego aside, set all else aside: Be bigger. Whatever the problem is, be deaf, dumb and blind to it. Just Love them anyway. The rest is just words. Be still, be silent, just Love. You will never regret it. Trust me, I speak from experience. In the face of death, you will look back and every problem will seem petty by comparison. Don’t wait, don’t hesitate. “Time is running like a river to the sea…” Life is about Love and nothing more. Anchor yourself in it. Be unconditional. That is what family teaches us: True, Unconditional Love. Be True. Be Love.
I have been estranged from my father for 26 years now, and estranged from my mother for 16 years. My father was basically a good guy, but a wounded person and raging addict. He just could not be a parent and never wanted to be. My mother on the other hand is a manipulative, lying, violent, angry, abusive person. She was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive to me as I was growing up. She loved to put me in dangerous and humiliating situations and took great pleasure when I got hurt. In 1982, when I was 15, she took me to a crowded bar. She told me she was going to use the bathroom and then disappeared. I sat for hours waiting for her to come back. She never did. A strange man drove me home where I found her fast asleep in her bed. When I was an adult, she offered me money once to date a man who, at the time, had been accused of assaulting multiple women. I said absolutely not. She told me he was a great guy and just going through a hard time. Thankfully he is now in prison. I think she would have loved it if I had been hurt by him. When I was 35 she told me that she admitted she never wanted to give birth to me. I finally had to make the decision go no contact on my 40th birthday. For the next 7 years she launched smear campaigns, sent out flying monkeys and hired a moving company to clear out her basement and deliver 30 boxes of trash to my front door while I was at work. That’s just the tip of the iceberg of what she did. Thankfully she finally stopped. She’s now 82, and I know that probably in the next 5-7 years I will be faced with her death. I think often about how I will respond. Will I be upset? Will I be relieved? Will I be sad? Will I be angry? Will I be happy? Will I cry? Will it just be another day? I just don’t know. Anyway. I’m glad I found your channel. I subscribed. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I’m sorry that you’ve also had to make the difficult decision to go no contact. So many people think it’s easy, but it isn’t. It’s probably the hardest decision a person can make.
Hi there, wow, your story is wild! I don’t have words for so much you’ve said here. Ugh, some is truly nasty. I relate to now knowing what will happen when my parents die, but you know, reflecting on your experience, at least these betrayals can’t happen any more. That’s something. Thanks so much for commenting and joining the club. We’re glad to have you. ❤️❤️
I'm in the process of estranging myself from my family, who were both physically and emotionally abusive. Unfortunately my dad got diagnosed with cancer for the second time, when I finally got the courage to cut him off, no less than a week I was told his cancer got worse and he has stage 4 cancer. My dad is a textbook narcissist, and I was his golden child, and that relationship in of itself hurt my younger sibling alot more than it has hurt me. Despite being his golden child, I never had a close relationship with my dad, I was always scared he would abuse me like he did our mother, I was afraid he would hate me like the rest of my family did. I grieved the fact that I would never have the familial love I wanted roughly 5 years ago, but I never cut them off because I felt obligated to being there. However, at least once a year I get re-traumatized by some family member, I lives in fear of my family and even though I've basically ran away, I still live in fear because I am maintaining contact with them. I just want it to end.
Hi Chi Fun, I can relate to your comment so much. I felt exactly the same when I was in close contact with my family. You are not alone. It is really hard, and only you know what you need to do. I won’t say you know what is right, but you have identified exactly what is wrong for you. I hope you can maintain a strong boundary with your family, even your dad. Being sick does not excuse abusive behavior. A wise therapist once asked me what I would do if the abuse I was experiencing went on for another 20 years. It’s a good question to ask ourselves. You deserve a life free from abuse, free from fear and where you can live your own life. 💗💗💗
My parents where abusive all my life. My father cheated on my mother and they made the unconscious decision to use me as they're emotional tampon. I was 5 when hat happen. But i don't blame my father for cheating because i know how hysteric and egocentric my mother is. First they tried to use my younger brother as the scapegoat but i was so disgusted by there behavior that I tried to protect my brother by calling them out on the bad behavior towards him. So in the end they decided to use me as the scapegoat. I was 7 when this happen. The worse thing is that my brother also turned against me and abused the situation to have a beneficial relationship with my parents. He is a real rat and coward. Always lying and manipulation the situation to his favor. I was never believed when something happen. My family never supported me when i was bullied at school do to lack of self confidence. Also because my younger brother urinated on a grave and told everybody it was me. And because we are only 1.5 years apart we looked very similar. (He told me this when we where older) As a adolescence i drugged myself a lot and had depression anxiety. I guess i wanted to escape reality. My parent didn't even realize what i was doing. The abuse became stronger and stronger over the years. Me wanting to adapt and have a good relationship but In the end there was an incident. I had to flee to the roof of the house because of one of many anger attack of my parents because i wanted to eat cereals at 10 pm. I slipped and open my knee on a metal on the roof because i was panicking full of adrenaline escaping to the roof. There was a lot of blood and my parents found it amusing. I hat to threaten them with the police to drive me to the hospital. But my mother only drove me to the railway station and the rest i had to go alone with a open knee bleeding like crazy. The story gets even crazier and more traumatic when after this event my father comes to the room to tell me i have a false sense of ego and I have to much pride and i need to go to a therapist. This was the moment i realized my parents are mentally ill. I moved out as fast as i could. (with 25 years old) In the 2 years i was alone in my apartment i realized why they chose me as the scapegoat. I channeled all my emotion and let them out. It was a crazy time. Thanks to special meditation techniques analyzing my memories also getting rid of the gas lighting. There was so much physical abuse as a child i forgot and this memories where hidden in my subconsciousness. I learned a lot during that time and i strongly advice for everybody how has abusive parents to be alone for some time. I realized most of the whys and hows of my problems. After this 2 years I married with 27 during the pandemic and moved from Switzerland to Mexico. Now i have a supportive family witch is over 200 members i see regularly. (I grew up speaking Spanish and German) They all know my family situation and don't judge me. Im very open and speak what i think when it comes to my past. I love Mexico and there people. My wife is very supportive and she was the one how helped me in my worst years of my life. We talked a lot on the phone and she was the girl i told everything since Im 13 years old. She came to visit me and we fell in love and married. She was the one how told me to speak to God for guidance. And it really works. I stooped taking any drugs since then and now we have our own business witch is doing very well. My life went from horrible to supper amazing by just taking the decision to go no contact with this crazy maniacs. The rest of my family lives in Spain and they are all feminists. When i asked them for help and wanted to reconcile with my family in the 2 year period alone, everybody just ignored me and instead ended up sending pictures of a demonstration of feminism they went on the weekend. I called them out for support and begged them to not ignore me but instead they all just laughed at me. I also broke up contact with them completely. My family is so messed up and my 3 female cousins living in Spain are all alone and desperate to be in a relationship. They are really struggling to find a partner because they are very toxic. I am 30 now and i am the only one of the younger in my family how is married ore wants to have children. I will not let my family ruin my life with there sickening role they gave me or there self sabotaging believes. Sometimes you just have to draw the line make a decision and be strict to yourself. If my parents will die one day i am not even sure i want to know. I tried a lot to reconcile with them but as always parental self-reflection is absent! Incapable of hearing and tolerating feedback. The parent feels to guilty ore ashamed when the child comes to them and say you cause me harm. Parents with extreme pride because they have a fragile ego. They acct like little children how don't want to take responsibility for there actions. In other words. STUPIDITY. And you can do nothing against stupidity. Stupid people only cause tragedy. I had enough drama and tragedy in my life. I guess i just don't care anymore. I let my anger come out and transformed it in to motivation and drive. To do better, to move forward. There comes one point in life where you have been humiliated enough, where the anger and frustration becomes so big, that you just stop caring, where you become to tired of crying ore all the negative emotions associated to them. I guess if i would receive the message that one of my parent died i would be sad a little maybe cry a little, leave the inheritance to my brother and move one with life.
That's what I've been dealing with for the last 11 months since my mom passed. The loss of hope. Thank goodness I had already started my therapeutic journey. I wish you peace.
I was 99% I had done the right thing and our relationship would never change after walking away until my (adult) daughter texted that my mother wanted me to get ahold of her because she just wanted to know that I was ok. I did not respond, realizing that after four years of separation, healing and reflection that she just wanted her granddaughter to think she cares and then give her sympathy. If she wanted to reconnect or did indeed care about my well being she would just contact me directly. That bumped it to 99.9%.
great insight! It's subtle, but I think we become very attuned to what a real attempt at reconciliation would look like, and the half or fake attempts that come our way. Glad you are doing ok and making peace with something so hard.
I’m no contact with my egg donor. I honestly would not go to her funeral. I pray for her but my heart no longer allows me to feel/cry/grieve for an abuser.
I've commented on a few scapegoat/no contact videos over the years with my experience. It has attracted hateful comments from what I assume to be estranged parents who have assured me that my parents are living a much better life now that I'm gone, enjoying their last few years without such a horrible child, while meanwhile here I am counting years and being miserable and they hope I "wake up" and reconcile. I am counting years because it's not a joyful scenario for me. It's the same way you count years after someone dies. In time, it hurts less but you always are aware of the absence. But when the alternative is walking on eggshells, furious drunk calls at 3 AM from an alcoholic mother, bullying from a narcissistic father, and living in constant anxiety about what they'll decide I'm at fault for next, I would rather just not engage. It's really just deciding which pain hurts less and accepting it as an unpleasant accessory to living my life in peace.
Both my parents were NPD. My mother overt. My father more covert. My GC sister is passive aggressive covert. I went total no contact 6 years ago. I just walked away. No arguments. No explaining. No confrontation. I realised it was useless. They were hell bent on making me the 'bad one'. They didn't actually see me at all. My father died 2 years later and my mother died 4 weeks ago. It IS devastating and has left me with a dreadfully hollow feeling. I did go to both funerals and was treated with total distain. The trick if you decide to go is to avoid eye contact and not go to the wake. I went because I needed closure. No other reason. I wanted to be able to look back and say I didn't run away. I stood my ground and did what was right for me in the long run. Yes, if you go you will be met with outright abusive behaviour which hurts like hell. But it was interesting seeing my family from an outside perspectivve, especially my sister, her toxic husband (she married our mother!) and their three children. The golden child (the first born and most toxic one). The scapegoat (looking entirly different to the others and stuck out on the end in silence). And the lost child ( pale, blacked eyed and drawn) she's in her late twenties but still looks around 12 years old? All very odd and very unhealthy looking. Mostly it was the aura that came off them. It was like they were a cult, no member being allowed to make eye contact or converse with anyone outside it. All dressed in black. If you do go to the funeral you will clearly see the dysfunction in these people.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds so hard. You are very courageous to go, knowing it was the right thing for you. I hope you are doing ok and looking after yourself through such a difficult, no-win situation. Sending support your way 💚💚
So you're a psychiatric nurse or practitioner,??? If the answer is no then you just made that all up lol , you have to treat the person and be an unbiased onlooker to diagnose NPD
@@BruceLee-fd7uw No one can diagnose these monsters better than a Family Scapegoat who has endured the insanity for their entire life. Experience trumps book knowledge every time.
“Closure” is a myth perpetuated by the self-help INDUSTRY as is “Forgiveness.” This industry has words de jour/words of the year and “closure” is one of them. We see the same with their newest crap, “Highly Sensitive Person.” If women weren’t neurotic enough, the self-help INDUSTRY is there to ensure you remain convinced the problem is YOU. Umm, no, it’s not. Their “self-help” is actually, “Let me help myself to your wallet.”
My mom is 90. Im 62. I had no choice but to go "No Contact" with her, after writinger her 5 letters of explanation. I felt unheard and disrespected. Mainly unheard. I know Ill have conficting emotions because my mom and I had some good memories. Thankyou.
Jess, it’s wonderful that you have that 1% of hope. Illogical? Yes- but still wonderful. In the face of so much pain, you have not become bitter, hardened or despairing. That’s just wonderful. Nobody showed you how to be like that- it’s just in you. I love that.
After my mom died, my dad was snatched up by a vindictive, narcissistic woman who has literally worn him to the bone. He is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s and I don’t know how long he has. I’ve gone no contact for 10 agonizing years. Dad has narcissistic run-off…he changed after he married that narcissist. I forgive him. I know he made a bad choice of a new mate out of desperation when my mom died. They were married 43 years…I just wish my dad peace and I love him with all my heart. I wish it wasn’t this way. May the angels bring him home.
I'm in the same place you are. I recently have gone no contact. I am not sure how to handle things moving forward. I have not written a letter, however I have not called them or spoke with them in over two months. This past week was my mother's birthday - I did not call or send a card. It was a very hard day. Like you, Chess, my folks are elderly. I have siblings. I did tell one siblings but I did not tell the others. Somehow I don't think there is a need. I'm still in uncharted waters. Thank you for being vulnerable. Most surely, it is not easy.
It is hard. I can relate so much. I think taking your time is so important. Things will become clearer and easier, in my experience anyway. There is a lot of sadness and grief, and no 'right' way to do this... but we're in a really hard situation. Being kind to ourselves, and allowing space to follow our hearts and finally keep ourselves safe has to take priority.... finally.
I gave my mother a lot of chances and I tried to make our relationship work but nothing worked and she isn't going to change. The last thing I told my mother was I will not be attending her funeral in future and wished her all the best and haven't had contact ever since.
I was relieved when my mother died. I refused to view the body.I was her only child and at least 60% of my life was spent having the silent treatment thrown my way. I gave her the silent treatment back. Who calls their only child a loser on Christmas day at the dinner table? She was mad that I was on disability and not working. The family was so disfunctional that no one dared to say anything. I said something snarky and let it go. She disowned me 6 months before she died, but the will was written wrong so at least got the house!
What comforts me is knowing that when my father crosses to the other side, he will be in the purity of light again and realize his doings. And from there, we can begin having a new type of relationship - albeit from a different form. Disclaimer: This comes from someone who believes in Spirit and life after death. Please don’t take offense for those who do not believe.
I had been no contact with my mom when she died. I realized that the feeling I faced then was an old one. I grieved my mom long before she passed, and that still hurts me.
I had my epiphany when I went no contact with my malignant narcissistic mother. I remember standing in the middle of the road and waving bye-bye when the golden children took her away. I felt nothing, I just stopped giving a crap. I ended up going completely out of control and delusional, these damnable narcissists leave mine fields behind, buried and camouflaged just in case they are cutoff. Sort of a failsafe device to detonate and devastate. The damn thing blew up in my face and I lost everything, she even trashed all of my memories. I stood there reading the eviction notice feeling like I’ve been gang raped. That was almost 4 years ago. I had to be heavily medicated and sedated just keep my head from exploding. I built my own prison because I felt that I could not be trusted. Great! I spent the majority of the last 4 years locked up in an apartment the size of a shoebox with all the furniture I could save. A few months before we were evicted I received an angry phone call from a family member chastising me for being an ungrateful son who will not visit his beloved mother who was begging anyone who would listen to bring me to see her. I felt nothing towards her but acrimony. She had the decency of finally dying last year. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of guilting me one more time. I was done with her, and them. I attended her memorial service and got the stink eye from my supposed family. I didn’t care. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. About 6 months ago I started decreasing my medication, and now all those feelings I have been bottling up for the last 6 decades started bursting out with a vengeance. I am trying very hard at confronting my emotions now that I have done some healing but I have many more miles to go before I can say truthfully that I am healed. It’s a damn good start and thank you for reading my story. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the demons. I wonder how she will explain herself to almighty God on judgement day, I’ll be waiting and watching for her because I will be the first one in line. For I will be sanctified. I do not fear death. I am humbled by almighty God and my guardian angel for not forsaking me when I was at my worst. Thank you Jesus for leading me out of the wilderness and towards peace. Thanks to the Holy Spirit for breathing life back into my body for I was surely dead. I will have to change with a good therapist helping me pull out the weeds that have been sucking the life right out of me. Put my house in order and pray that my wife and family will forgive me. As Jesus has forgiven me and I hope that they can as well. As you hear a howling wolf in the distance, know that I am alive and doing well. Peace out ✌️😎
I hear so much pain in your story, I’m so sorry you’ve had so many difficulties with your family. I hope you can find a way forwards with the peace you deserve. Please take care 💕💕
@@reesedaniel5835 thanks for the post, I know that with help and guidance of our lord Jesus Christ to watch over my family and myself as we navigate turbulent waters ahead of us in the coming future and approach our problems with humility and persevere until we achieve a successful outcome. Finally be happy and content so we can sail calm waters towards the setting sun and finally experience Gods glory. Peace out ✌️😎
Both my parents, dad the henpecked enabler and mom the bitter, caustic manipulator passed away before I got into therapy and learned about dysfunctional family systems. Nonetheless, I did have an emotional breakdown at her funeral Mass. I’d been left completely alone at my sister’s house to dress and drive myself to the church and I couldn’t get out of bed. Curled up in the fetal position, ADHD Demand Avoidance plus CPTSD Freeze response to being abandoned, left alone to completely fend for myself with no one there to care for mine. I did call around, my daughter’s car was full, and my “friend” said it was out of her way even though the church is
Oh Jen, your story is heartbreaking. The pain you describe is so real. I am so sorry you had to do through that experience... and now you are being shamed over it. It's awful. It sounds like you did more than your share when your mum was alive. Your perspective about funerals is spot on and so helpful. It's good to remember they are for other people, not the dead. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope you are healing. ❤🩹
lol you celebrate that finally you truly are free. My mom died in 2011 of bladder cancer from putting Splenda in her coffee for years. It affexted me greatly until I learned abkut abuse and one day looked back on fond childhood memories. Now I'm happy shes gone.
I am one of twelve , our mother died when I was 6.5 and that’s where my trauma began . I was brought up by my narc father who I now realize was not my biological father . My upbringing was very sad emotionally and I divorced them all in 2015 by letter , I did have contact with one brother but have recently let him go too . I will not tolerate gaslighting by anyone . If they all begin to die before me , I know with surety that I will not attend any of their funerals because my belief is , if you don’t have contact with them in life I will not have contact at death either and I am happy and at peace with my decision I wish them all well too 🙏
I'm not quite following your comment. I think you are implying that a person estranging then becomes responsible for all the problems.... somehow? But whatever brings you here, I wish you well. Take care.
My two daughters are estranged from me. They will NOT be included in my will. I have left instructions that I don’t even want them at my funeral. My mother (who was a fantastic mom) became estranged from me after dad died. I don’t want her at me funeral either. She came to my husband’s funeral a year before dad died, and all she did was bitch that my sister wasn’t able to make it 😮 If someone cannot be in your life; if they can’t try to resolve things like mature adults; then they have no rights to be allowed at your funeral (or vice versa).
Short answer: We celebrate because we never have to deal with the prospect of having to interact with them ever again, and the nightmare is confirmed to be over.
The best choice I made was to stop talking to my emotional and verbally abusive father. He has died now. My only regret is that I didn't have a loving supportive father. People don't change. He was abusive my entire life. I feel sorry for him. He missed out. I have no regrets. I morn the father that I needed not the one I had. He left millions of dollars for me when he died. His siblings have kept it from me since I was estranged from my father. Basically his entire side of the family thinks I am a horrible daughter. They have no idea the pain this man, my father, caused me. Not giving me what was intended for me is just another hurt related to my father... A kind word from him would have meant much more than leaving me millions anyway. Leaving me money was his attempt to show his family was a "Great" father he was lol. I am not willing to fight anyone for money. They can have it. I am fine!
Good channel concept thanks ❤. My grandmother’s and dads last months were marked with dementia that made them forget why, or that they ever had distanced themselves. I feel very grateful I had those days with my dad. Never expected it.
I didn't feel peace at all what I feel is massive regret. I looked at my mother at her wake and thought we both wasted so much time and nothing ever changed. I do hope she forgives me and knows I did love her. I don't know what the answer is but I feel no relief from any of this.
I’m so sorry. I hope you can work through some of this and find some relief. It sounds like you had a really tough situation, and even if you could have done a bit more, there were good reasons why you didn’t. And there were two of you in the relationship, so at least half of that is not on you. Wishing you peace and forgiveness for yourself too 💚💚
I love that you tried to talk with them about what you felt was wrong in the relationship, and that you wished them well on departing. In the case of parental alienation, the (adult) child does not try to discuss with their parent, but rejects them on hearsay. Any contact is full of judgement and accusation and anything the rejected parent says is interpreted in the worst light. Every estranged child should learn about the differences between a child who has been abused and a child who has been alienated. Family breakdown is heartbreaking. I was not as wise as you, but kept begging and pleading and being accused and slandered till my mother died, still lying about me. I reacted emotionally in my trauma, and looked like the crazy one. I had to detach emotionally and give up false hopes. Had to learn not to JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining). Books which helped me: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward Done With the Crying by Sheri McGregor Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lisa Terkeurst TH-cam channels: Dr Les Carter Dr Ramani Divided Families The Reconnection Club podcasts by Tina Gilbertson God bless you all. Know that you are greatly loved and understood by God, and you are enough.
Thank you for your kind, thoughtful comment. I am sorry you had such a difficult relationship with your mother. I hope you are recovering. You deserve peace and love 💕 take care
My parents were on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum; mostly just self-centered, not outwardly cruel. I never left them or betrayed them, but neither have I mourned them. I suppose it's because I never felt like they really knew me or wanted to.
I have an estranged daughter. I’m learning to just except it and move on. She claims I am a narcissist. I believe I am the biggest empath on the planet. I simply gave her too much growing up. I’m ok with her decision to break away if it makes her feel better. Parents cannot always take the full blame. What about our feelings? Why is just about theirs? Parents, take a deep breath. Life is still out there. Get out and enjoy it. Please do not sit in misery. Accept their decision and continue to live your life. ❤
in some ways estrangement is worse than death as its like a haunting, you hear about them ect... When my crazy mom died I asked my son not to be angry if I didn't openly grieve as I grieved her loss when I went no contact 20 yrs earlier, he seemed to understand. there was no funeral, she claimed she never wanted one, all along she told me I was cut out of the will but surprisingly I did get a share, sad how narcissitics use money to control others, I did share about a third with my son even though I knew he had lied, he was the golden child of the family and he and his lazy wife thought they were taking it all.Life is full of surprises, never give up as you may just be only 5 min. from your miracle!
I really needed this reminder among others today. I was put into a position where I was in physical close proximity with the toxic mother that I chose to walk away from after so many efforts. I felt immensely sick and hollow. I survived but it’s not something I really want to do again.
I had to wait until my momster left my brother's funeral. To see her across the lot after her not even trying to care about him for over 20yrs was really difficult. I understand a bit of how you felt. So sorry you went through that, but you're doing your best. 🤍
@@StephieGsrEvolution I really appreciate it and it’s rather frustrating and churning to have to go through someone “acting” like that. As it’s an act or even just a part that won’t last whether genuine or not at the moment. I hope your situation is better and you are getting closer to getting the total distance from her that u need. Right now, I’m just remaining distant and neutralizing her influence if I do end up in that pothole and stay close to my support. Thankfully it’s only just a few scattered days and then that’s it for the year. I leave it just there in the past and away from my mind as possible like “leaving work at work.” Honestly there should be a union like group that helps out those in these situations. It’s saddening.
@@r3b0rn_mike117 I've been estranged for almost 25yrs from her. That was the only time I saw her. I think that's what the best thing to do is not even see them occasionally if it's too stressful.
@@thescapegoatclub thank uuuu from across the pond. It’s rather arse faced that there’s no safety net through the government that better helps ppl stay away from these situations. I’m having a peaceful Friday and weekend away from it with other loved ones though.
This is an important but difficult subject. I think the major feeling is that when your a good person and are caring and loving even after abuse you struggle to be there for your parents because they cause you so much pain that you can't get out of bed for days or function when you are around them. Being scared to see mam because you are not good enough in her presence is a hard pill to swallow. Then you find love for yourself and realise that you were always good enough. I miss my mam but what do I miss? I miss being loved and accepted but it wasn't there so what do I miss? The thought of a loving mother. Again when you care even after abuse it is soul destroying when you will care for anyone and not have kids because of fear of hurting them emotionally is pretty sad. I send love to all and any parent who feels guilty should let their children know to validate only then can a child finally heal. ❤
Your parents might well appear to "soften" in their old age; but only because the tables have turned, they can no longer rely on their friends for and THEY need YOU. No, you owe them nothing, honestly. At some stage you have to put YOU first - they never did, and yet you never asked to be born. When they go....ignore the other family members they do not know what went on behind closed doors when their masks were removed. You might not feel any loss, I didn't! Only the feeling of losing the Mum and Dad I COULD have had if I had been loved as a child ought to be. No, guilt is not necessary, in fighting for your own survival you have done NO wrong
Thank you so very much for sharing this, thank you. You are brave, strong woman. My story is similar to yours and your video resonated beyond measure. Sending you so much love and big hugs xo
I became a fairly estranged daughter due to stuff my dad did, not to me but to my siblings. I saw him not too long ago in the dream state & his spiritual journey continues on the other side.
When the estranged parent dies, the outcome afterwords depends on the other family members ability to see everyone as a separate person with separate values etc. The healthy person will let you know what is going on so, you can be there to support the others. The dysfunctional family won’t be able to separate into individual people. They will all talk to you or all avoid you with few exceptions. However, if you go no contact with an individual you already know how this plays out.
You are so right. The estrangement story is influenced so much by other family members. And it stands to reason that the ones closest to the unhealthy parent are quite likely to be unhealthy too. It's so hard to navigate and understand where one person ends and the next one begins.
Thank you for sharing. My husband's birth - mother has never connected. At a small age, she raised his sister. Both my husband and his brother were raided by his father and later his amazing and God-sent step-mom. We recently received a message his sister died and his birth mom needed assistance. Really. Seriously it’s not going to happen. I believe in life you are given choices. As the Bible says.. you reap what you sow. I answered back by saying. We wish her all the best and will pray for her and hope she finds a nice place where she is loved. Goodbye. I got a response back with a. I understand . Thank you
Thank you. This came up in my feed at a very difficult time. After decades of trying to “fix” my mentally ill mother, I have made the decision to end our relationship. I did my very best. I sought therapy, attended classes on her specific personality disorder, and read books. I tried compassion, empathy, writing letters, being firm, being blind with rage. Nothing worked. I still feel so much guilt and know that if she dies before me, I’ll have very complicated feelings. I think I’ve mourned for years the reality that I will never have the kind of motherly figure I so badly needed.
Good for you. We were inculcated with the idea we had no right to care for ourselves and what ever maltreatment they dished out was “for your own good.” Bull shyte. Continue to move on and evolve as a human being. Not easy when you have shyte for alleged “parents.” Best wishes.
If they saw this. They would not understand. They will just say bad things about you. Blame you. They will not see why you have done it. Im having therapy.. also when one of them dies the one left guilt trips you into helping them. The best thing you can do is stay away or you have to go through it all again 😢😢😢
I heard someone say recently "Your child has had to come to terms with the fact that they might have to live with the pain of you dying before they ever reconcile with you, and they’ve accepted that as less painful than living with you as you are now.” It's really resonated with me. I've been estranged from my father for a number of years, and made the choice to become fully estranged from my mother recently after years of boomerang estrangement. I had to realize that I've been grieving for almost my entire life and give myself space to fully grieve the relationship I've never been able to have with them after a lifetime of pleading to be heard and seen and loved.
❤ I relate
Thank you for sharing that comment. It really speaks to the heart of it. I appreciate you taking the time to share it here. Wishing you well.
@@thescapegoatclub - Thank you for your content.
I am absolutely okay with that.
It was a long process of grieving. But finally (at60 years old) i am free…….
Same story here.
I won't be attending any funerals. I'll send flowers if someone decides I'm worthy of notification. Physical abuse as a child followed by decades of mental torture has left a void where once a heart resided.
I 100% get you.
@Luton-Mick Same here...they likely wont tell me though....its all so odd.
Same. 🖐️
A wise man said to me: "Hope is just delayed disappointment."
Wow- yeah, I think sometimes it is!
Couldn’t have said it any better!
My parents and brother died estranged. I think the greatest grief was in going No Contact. Death just finalized everything, nail in the coffin of hope…but also a sense of deep relief and peace.
No contact is a very difficult process. I agree a lot of grieving is done then. Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps
That's my hope: feeling relief.
My oldest brother and mother died estranged, she so wanted to see him before her death. How do you feel about your brother? I find myself feeling anger and estranged now with my brother.
My father died a month ago and we’ve been estranged. I did the decent thing and reached out to my step-mother offering help. She shut me down fast (through my brother) and made it clear I would not see him before he died. I was doing what I thought I was “supposed” to do-offer help, put aside everything because this was now death for my father. I was very mad at first because I assumed my step-mother would put the past behind us. They’ve never treated me as anything but crap so why would I expect different in this situation? A month has gone by now and I’m relieved. I was sad at first for a couple days thinking of the good times we had (few and far between). It’s a relief knowing he can’t hurt me anymore. I stand just a little bit taller in this world.
@@FMT2003 Love your last statement : I stand just a little bit taller in this world
There is no easy way out. To stay and be abused destroys your soul. You mourn them when you leave. You mourn again when they die. Bottom line is you must save yourself. We all have the right to feel safe, loved, heard. That will not happen in a dysfunctional family. Pave your own way. Keep moving forward. Don’t look back.
I have the right to feel safe. Exactly.
morning what they should have been as parents....not them ( For me)
Truth.
Thank you.
I am estranged to my family of narcissistic abusers. I am the autistic scapegoat. I was diagnosed at 5 years old but my mother hid it from me and put me in the care system (and did not tell them). If I cried (even as a toddler) my mother would violently slap me and beat me. She told everybody that my autistic meltdowns (due to abuse) were demon possession when I was a child and I was going to burn for ever more in hell. When I was an adult, she told everybody that I was crazy and would try to section me regularly under the mental health act. They would break or steal all of my possessions and sabotage my relationships (even with my grown up kids). I have had to go no contact after a life of abuse and relationship sabotage. I found out I was autistic (at 50) when a doctor went back and checked my records. I had been lied to all of my life. When my mother and/or siblings go, I will not shed any tear. Due to my upbringing, I have c-ptsd, ADHD, type 2 diabetes, IBS and autism. Letting go of them is the most important thing I ever did.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of that in your life! Knowing I’ve been through a similar situation with both my parents, I’m currently going through therapy to work through a process on separating from them. Unfortunately I’m the type of person who would still love them, even knowing all of the abuse they inflicted upon me. I can love from afar, but I’m just not going to do it living in the same house with them. I was even irrationally angry before therapy, and when I finally told her everything that happened to me, and I’ve never told anyone else (not close to extended family member and no friends) I just broke down. But it was needed, now I just feel more focused on myself and my goal to leave.
wow. you did not deserve that on any level, that's for sure.
Maby you are completely healthy and the pharma system wants to steal all your money.
I wholeheartedly understand. You estranged yourself from your parents for your own survival. Don't apologise for it as that's your first responsibility.
Take care and be well.
I appreciate your comment so much, I can feel the support. Thank you
I was no contact with my dad for 20 years. My little brother went to live with him and "take care" of him. Got parentified. Brother turned in to an alcoholic. Dad died. My bro and covert narc mom did not tell me about the funeral. Did not tell me where or when. Dad got cremated. Brother took all dad's money and 4 bedroom house. Brother took dad's ashes and keeps them on a shelf in the house. My brother lives alone in the 4 bedroom house. He's too neurotic to work. Just spends dad's money and drinks himself to sleep every night alone in the house and has had 2 MRIs where he almost died from drinking. He's the golden child. True story. There ya go.
Oh gosh. That’s heartbreaking on so many levels. The toxicity lives on if it’s able to, doesn’t it?.... Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate your honesty. Glad you’re out of the mix. 💜
Tom Huck-
You focused on not getting any money from the dad you had no contact with for 20 years.
Did you expect things to go differently like being told about his death and be remembered by him in his will?
Your brother did for your father what you did not. Sounds to me like he and your father understood each other so he was rewarded in the end by his father. You did what you thought was better for yourself and you were not bothered with info about the end of the man's life.
So now go your way and be happy for your brother and his decisions about his life and be happy for yourself and your decisions you made about your life.
@@oolalamme2698 ❤
So sad. May you find peace and healing.
Wish I knew more about your story. I guess it makes sense that he gets everything if he stayed in their life. Unfortunately that shouldn't be a surprised. So sorry you were not told but again I don't know why you didn't talk to him while he was alive. I understand why they would be upset
Both my parents died when we were estranged. It's the worst thing in the world. I held my mother's hand as she died and prayed over here. Her last conscious act was to push my hand away and roll her eyes at me. Tragic. Plus I was disinherited and left nothing. My Narc brother got it all. I don't feel guilty because my conscience is clear. Sending love to all my fellow scapegoats out there ❤❤❤
A clear conscience is priceless, absolutely.
Im so sorry...what a horrible deathbed situation
Oh that is horrible. I am so sorry. But thank you for sharing....it helps me see that impending death does not necessarily cultivate wisdom. My mother estranged me, and I always thought in the back of my head that if she had the opportunity she would try to reconcile before she died. I see now that may not be the case. And I feel ok with that. Sending love. We all deserve a mother who wants to hold our hand.
Wow. You could even BE with your mom at the end. Thats commendable.
❤❤❤
When my mother was dying, I sat on her bed and held her hand as she was unable not to, and as she would always otherwise resist/refuse. I looked into her eyes and said "I love you mummy".... she replied with "Mmm yes", so I said it again and with much love and conviction, "Mummy , I love you". And she finally said to me "I love you too Sophie". It was the first time that she had ever said it to me, but still I had to work so hard and show such need and sincerity in order for her to be able to reciprocate. This is now a small compensation that I carry with me for all the narcissistic abuse I endured.
I know how that felt. As a child I remember the shame I felt when she would push me away. I got more love from my stuffed bear than I ever did from her. I have moved from anger towards her to pity. She truly was the Mother of all Lies. She hated herself more than she ever loved me. In my heart I know that she hated me. My loving brother had the animas to tell me to my face that he always wanted a brother just not me. That was the last thing he ever said to me, he died of lung cancer 4 months later. That was extremely hateful thing to say but karma kicked in and took away the breath from his body as he choked gasping for one breath as he died.
I don’t feel guilt or remorse for his dying nor do I care. It is cathartic to unburden myself like this. Thank you for reading my story.
Better get busy living or get busy dying. I’m just getting warmed up, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of promises to keep.
Peace out ✌️😎
P.S. Take your compensations where you can and be thankful. It may not be much but it’s there. Sometimes the smallest diamond can be the most precious and other times it’s just a piece of coal. It’s what you make of it that counts.
That's what should've been done in her living years.i guess her money motivated u to finally say and accept sorry and move past the grudge.Greed is often the reason behind the estrangement
@@adamosadca5240thank you for sharing. I am happy to feel your confidence and anticipation for something great!
My heart breaks at your final attempt. It's a heartwrenching situation but so glad you could allow her to say those words with all your heartfelt effort.
Thanks for making this video and putting it out there. I held onto the hope that one day they will take care of me after my younger siblings grew up. Such a wrong notion to hold onto...I have now learnt after a LOT of waiting that it will never happen. I too dread the time when they will not be around...as my whole lifetime this far to carry so much baggage...wonder if I will be able to let go of some of the baggage once they are not around
To have a child and not see them as a parent is like dying inside.
😢. I get it. 😢
You’re absolutely right 😢
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you can find a way forwards to reduce your pain that is in your control.
@@thescapegoatclub thank you so much for your understanding. Its very hard, you go on, but a piece of my soul stays in depression.
Yah? To have parents who sabotage you from the cradle is just like dying.
I was estranged from my father off and on for years. But when he got ill and on his death bed,I knew I had to give our relationship one more chance. So glad i made that decision because through out the years we just bypassed so many things that could have totally changed our relationship. He was under hospice care. It gave us time to sort things out. To this day, it has given me a chance to live a healthier life. My father refused to take any medication for pain on his death bed because he wanted me to get all the answers i needed. This is no lie, i fell in with love with my father on his death bed. So many things we held inside, and so much anger i held against him proved to be not so important at that moment. I held his hand as we prayed together. The memories i have about my father to this day is that im still in love with my father. The forgiveness was more for me than my father. My decision to take this last minute effort was the right one for me
Thank you so much for sharing your story. 💚💚
FINALLY....ONE PERSON THAT MAKES SENSE IN THIS CHANNEL.... YOUR COMMENT WAS THE ONLY ONE I RED SO FAR THAT SPEAKS OF THE RIGHT WAY TO DO THINGS...EVERYBODY ELSE SEEMS IN A SELF PITY PARTY...mostly because I don't know the details of their broken connections with the family members...
but honestly..all these beefs seem so unimportant when you really get to know your parents...I mean NORMAL PARENTS DO NOT hurt our children on purpose...we are human begins and faulty and have fears and dreams and carry baggage like everybody else...but I am amazed as to how easy the new gens let go of people as the slightest of they feeling hurt. They just can cope with anything hard in their way, nothing.
If you can forgive, (barring physical abuse) maybe it can be healing on some level.
Her comment and experience is such a blessing. Please consider that each persons situation is unique and in this situation... it is rare that a parent with extreme narcissistic traits would do this. Yes...even on their death bed. It is possible and I pray for all to continue to pray in faith. We all need to have a deep forgiveness for anyone who has ever hurt us, especially our parents; however, it can be very dangerous for some to even get an inch closer to them after no contact if they are truly dealing with evil. @@OrionEstrella
@@OrionEstrella There are plenty of us old people who estranged. The kids are all on social media, which is why this issue is getting talked about. I wish I could say I grieved when my mother died. I didn't. And I don't miss her.
Those of us watching this video get it. There is no joy in being estranged, and as the kids we do everything in our power to come up with another answer. In my case, my family betrayed me when I was at my most vulnerable and I had to stay away because they were harming me when I was involved in a brutal divorce from a diagnosed sociopath (aspd/npd). My mother died after twenty years of estrangement and it was difficult mostly because I knew I'd be misunderstood. Yes, the mourning has gone on since the estrangement began (and before). This isn't the way any of us wanted it to be.
thank you for the supportive comment. I hope you are doing ok. As you say, it's an awful situation that none of us want. 💟
I am 100 percent estranged from my parents and i will not be going to their funerals i am looking after myself now
Sad
@@Theofficaldannyalldunso What's sad is people siding with abusers.
Once that parent actually passes away, it doesn't feel anything like you thought it would. If you have anything that went unsaid, you will replay it in your head forever.
If you had anything left unsaid, the conversation that you imagined having with that narcissist parent would have gone NOTHING like you imagined. It most likely would have been very hurtful and hateful. I hope this comment brings you some peace.
@@purpleturtle7477exactly 💯
The things I left unsaid weren't very nice. So I'm actually glad I didn't tell her what I really thought of her.
Anything left unsaid would have been a waste of time, anything I did say was disregarded/ laughed at/ twisted into another version so I had nothing more to say. Job done.
My narc brother died last year January after a long period of no contact... no one attended his sickbed nor his funeral. The grief was awkward, not happy but certainly not sad. Not even his daughters attended the sickbed nor the funeral. It strengthened me in my radical acceptance that he had been a toxic influence in my life being a narcissist.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds complex, but I’m glad you’ve come through it with renewed strength. All the best to you 😊
@@thescapegoatclub thank you so much. I do appreciate it a lot that you respond to every reaction of the viewers. 💐
So who attended the funeral?
@@olilumgbalu5653 as I wrote: no one
Im glad you wrote a letter. Unfortunately my mom and I ended out conversation with me having to cut her off financially after she tried to kill me. I didn’t need to support her. It was hard to cut her off. But I never wanted her to know I was ever “selfish” like she painted me out to be. I sleep at night knowing I was kind in the end despite enduring what feels like a lifetime of trauma
Wow, Jade, your story is awful. Good for you for looking after yourself and knowing it was the right thing to do. Glad you’re out of it now 💓
At 15 years old I was told by my step-dad I was worth more than I was being treated by family I got on the back of a horsevan and left for New Orleans thanks Ed I love you for all you saw in me when I saw nothing 63 now estranged from my only son I thought I could protect him from my own family why didn't I see what they were doing to me and him
Don't be so hard on yourself. For the vast majority of us (abuse victims of these narc monsters) we don't see what they are doing until the damage is done.
What they did to me I could live with, but what they did to my daughter is what I find impossible to forgive.
My mothers last words to me were,”Will I ever see you again?” I was back from Belize,recently divorced,working two jobs,while living homeless in Houston,Texas. My Mom was in Connecticut. I worked two jobs to send money for my four children who were trapped in Belize. I endured horrible things no one should go through. My father had been a violent alcoholic and my mother submissive and depressed. I didn’t want to go back around them. I am sorry now.
Years too late . Even if I had visited them once a month it would be nurturing to both I and them. I could have not visited when my dad drank. There were bad times but there were also good times. I got tremendous strength and determination and persiverance from them as parents. Nobody is perfect in this world we all come with flaws .
"There were good times". "Nobody is perfect". I applaud your maturity and your selflessness as you thought of them too. There is no love like a mother's. Can't speak for a father.
@@juliadevine328 some of us don’t have loving mothers
I am 8 years no contact with my entire family last month. I can’t believe it’s been 8 years. I am the scapegoat
Welcome, there are many of us here! I hope you're doing ok.
@@thescapegoatclubyes I’m ok thanks. Middle to fair! Not complaining. Nice to find a you tuber on the same island 🏴✊🏴
My daughter is bipolar and she has broken me completely. I love her and she has removed herself from me for two years. I believe she will be happy when I die. I keep praying that she finds peace and whatever she needs and I know I have done everything I can to be there for her. I am blocked from her and I am so sad.
I am sorry. Mental illness is so hard and takes a huge toll on family members. I wish peace for you too, knowing you did the best you could and she is on her own path.
She broke you? 🤨
She broke you?? A mental illness like bi polar usually has a genetic factor, ie runs in the family. Suppose it is easier to wash your hands of your child, put all the blame on them even though they did not ask to be born.
I think she is dealing with her own issues and only wants for you to be happy. Someday she will be free of her illness.
@@StephieGsrEvolutionthat's what the person said. Who were you to ask questions? Take it at face value. Nobody owes you an answer.
Went no contact with both pairs of parents after 22 years and it’s been a hard time. I’ve tried explaining to them, but it’s either ignored or met with resistance. I just graduated from college and am moving cross-country for myself. Especially now when living with BPD and CPTSD, it’s caused me to try to reevaluate a lot of my childhood experiences. You talking about the 1% of hope hit me hard because it’s an awful dichotomy. A lot of my family refuses to fully acknowledge all of the abuse, so it’s not something that I ever thought about. Self-awareness from abusive parents is almost impossible and it really hurts. I’m afraid of being happy when they die because I know I shouldn’t be. Sorry for rambling in your comments, but this helped me not feel so alone. Thank you for putting this into words that I’m not brave enough to say ❤️
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry you have been through such a difficult time, and now have to live with the consequences. I believe things will get better. I hope with time an distance you will get more clarity. And, I thing perhaps, you may find it is ok to be happy, even after such challenges, and when some people don't want you to be. You are strong and they haven't broken you. Hang in there. 💟
BPD is often a misdiagnosis.. true BPDs are really just narcissists.. and then the misdiagnosed one’s have C-PTSD, not BPD.
The « parent» was only a mask, the narcissist used to get narcissistic supply. The person we feel grief for has never existed. It was just a fiction. What’s important is to grief the parent/caretaker we never had. And the fact that we can give our selves closure. Let go of the toxic hope. I’m not going in my narcissistic mothers funeral when she dies, her life has in a way never existed . She was just a fiction in the same way as going to the theater or seeing a show on tv. That is how i view her now. I’m going to cry and morn her death. And to give myself the selfcare i need. But reality is that she is all ready dead to me. The rest of the family never had contact because she was a toxic addict. My sister has turned into a narcissist also ( we are estranged). You are only responsible for your own health. You are no longer a codependent. You don’t owe the narcissist or the enablers anything
Well said
Very well said. Thank you so much 💗
I had constructed a loving mother in my mind and she had her face. But then she revealed her true self, her gaslighting narcissistic self and all of the trauma that was buried in my nervous system came out. It's like she peeled back her face and the serpent was revealed. I loved her so much , but I loved the illusion I created by burying my trauma. I miss the love I felt and the mum I thought I had ( I dont miss her ) . I know it was all a construct like the Truman Show. The biggest head fxxx I'll ever experience in my life.
@@vivdoolan6846 loving the illusion of a narcissistic parent is the crux of it, I agree. It is just too painful to admit the truth of who they really are. 😢
Great said
I went no contact in my 20's. I am now 57. I have learned that the narc will never concede to taking responsibility for hurting you. There is no apology or promise to do better. MY mother shall pass without my showing up. I accept it. 37 years has prepared me.
Thank you for sharing 💚
@@thescapegoatclub Best of wishes in your journey. Reach out to friends; grow your personal family, and don't look back. In hindsight I wish I had moved across country before I had children and became linked to the area. Thats the only thing I would change.
You and I both decided to go no contact at the same time. This was before people are talking about it like it they are now like it's an epidemic. At the time I had no cell phone, no internet and no outside influence to go no contact.
I had 28 years of observed behaviors of my mother not wanting me around, ignoring me, neglecting me, making me her house and yard slave as a child. Emotional and financial neglect, no love, no hugs.
Yet every birthday she would send a birthday card signed love mom. But all behaviors did not point to love. They pointed to neglected and indifference. Every birthday it was like she was pouring salt on a wound. A big lie. I had to stop that pain. I got a post office box for a few years and cancelled it after a few years and it worked. And yes I am the scapegoat of the family.
Thank you for your reply. Have peace and reward in your journey. @@seahorse251
My narc father passed away a few months ago, without me showing up. It's a relief after they are gone. You can finally put it all behind you and move on.
My narc mother died today. Truthfully while I do feel relief, part of me does grieve what could have been. She had her moments where she was ok but those moments were few and far in between. She never attended my therapy sessions and I had to learn to be independent without her from a young age. Sure the rest of my relatives are calling me all sorts of names for cutting her off before she died (she passed from lung cancer), but I was and still am at peace for my decision to stand up for myself. I tried for years to have a good relationship with her but she mentally abused me and let my stepdad do it too. I was the family scapegoat but now I’m really free at last.
Stay strong
As a estranged mother, I want to say I’m so sorry that your parents didn’t see what they were losing when you gave them the chance to have you in their lives , I don’t know what the situation was I can only speak from my experience with my estranged now adult kids , I wish to god I would have made better choices for my kids when they were in my life and I try to hold on to the hope that my kids will see that I have made alot of good changes in my life since they’ve seen me and I hope one day they will want to let me show them I can be the better person that they wish they’d had when they were young 💔
Thank you… and I very much hope that you will be able to reconnect with your kids. 😍
@@thescapegoatclub thank you so much for replying and your kind words and thank you for posting this video it made me feel like I can understand more from their perspective, and again thank you 💔🙏💔
It's probably too little too late
I am an estranged mum. My heart is so broken. I have a good relationship with my other 4 kids.
None of us understand why my oldest son has done this. It happened when he was newly engaged (mind you, I loved his fiancé and was friends with her first - I worked with her, and I introduced them).
I wish he would just communicate with me about his reasons.
I understand there are reasons children cut their parents off (abuse, violence, control etc). I can honestly say I am a good mum. NOT perfect for sure. I’ve tried to apologise for anything and everything to no avail 😢
Hi, I felt your comment in my heart as I would say the same as a mom estranged from my adult children. I hope you and your children will be able to one day unite somehow❤
I asked my mother to move out of my home 2 years ago. She was draining me financially, emotionally, and putting a strain on my relationship with my daughter. Like everyone else, I could write a book on her unwillingness to care for herself. House foreclosures, car repossessions, she bled my grandmother, stepfather, and extended family dry. I was her only child. When I got her set up in an apartment, I still sent her money through my daughter who took her places. My mom would not come over for holidays, or speak to me. My daughter took her flowers and cake for her birthday, and her landlord came out and told my daughter that my mother had died. They had been trying to call us. Until the end there was no life insurance, no money. I paid to have her buried. It was a relief to get her out of my house, but I feel guilty that she died alone. I don’t know if anyone else is experiencing the guilt now that the end has come.
Hi Kelley, I’m so sorry to hear your story. From what you said, you did so much to support your mother. You let her live with you for a long time, and supported her financially and emotionally at the expense of your daughter and your own needs. That is a lot. Ultimately, as you say, adults have a responsibility to look after themselves to the maximum amount possible. Your mother chose not to speak to you, or come and visit. That was her choice, not yours. So if she died alone, rejecting your company, then that was her decision. I know it’s really hard when our parents expect us to support them emotionally, and that’s because they have trained us to think that way. I hope you can take some time to process such a difficult situation, and hopefully find a therapist who can help you work through the complexity of it all. Take care 💕💕💕
It was never your responsibility to financially support her, and I hope you're able to learn to let go of the guilt. It wasn't your burden to carry.
Your highly narcissistic (emotionally stunted) mother punished you for not allowing her to be completely irresponsible, entitled and abusive. And you have the patience of a saint btw. Narcs will never accept responsibility or accountability for anything. They think they are "god" and can do what they want and are there to be served and waited on by everyone around them. Just like their father Cain in the Bible.
You went above and beyond! Don't allow her to continue to drain you. I hope your daughter realizes how wonderful you are.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It is not your fault dear one. You did all you could. Its not your fault. I pray you and your daughter go on to have much happiness and that you find peace.
This is something I have been grappling with as I have not seen my mother for the past 3 1/2 years and have had no contact through any means for the past 1 1/2 years. She is 83. The last confrontation I had with my narcissist brother, he screamed at me...'you probably won't even come to my funeral' my, my, my......always about them but zero concern about the extreme trauma both of them caused me over these past years. I have gone back and forth in my mind about this, and what I have currently settled on is that I will not attend any of my family/extended family funerals. It has taken me all of this time to come to my current state of tenuous health, and that needs to be my focus and concern now. My mother has already removed me from her Trust as far as I know (that was her first threat to me in this process). It has been the hardest thing to go through to face that those who I should have been able to trust the most in this life have chosen to betray me. It is an unimaginable pain. It is horribly destabolizing. I didn't think I would make it at times. But here I am.
My mother passed last week. We were estranged. I wanted to go see her. She told her nurses to take her off her machines to let her die before I got there. I'm experiencing way more grief and doubt then I ever imagined. I too know deep inside I did everything I could. I follow a hospice nurse and she really emphasizes if your parent is a narcissistic, they will be that to their core until their last breath.
This is such a heartbreaking story. I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope that your core knowledge that you did what you could will help you move through this. As the nurse says, narcissism will stay with people until the end. It is not your fault or your responsibility. Sending support to you! Take care xxx
@@thescapegoatclub thank you so much!
You didn't abandon your parents. They drove you away. Despite your many warnings, their abuse was relentless and they had no intention of stopping. When your parents die, prepare yourself to be disinherited. That's their plan. They look forward to it... That final knife job into our back. Don't worry that they never loved you because narcs are incapable of love. Celebrate that you never loved them either. They didn't trick you into giving your love to them. You only loved who they were pretending to be when they were in their "Make-Believe *_'we're acting kind now'"_* schtick that they would use to discombobulated & gaslight you with every now and then just to keep you off balance and make you question your own reality.
You only love to they were pretending to be. That was never the real them.
I speak from experience.
Like in your situation, both of my parents were narcs. They both died within one year of each other. Yay. In both situations, none of my three siblings/golden children brothers told me of the deaths of either of those parents. In both cases, I found out by chance.
End of the story is I'm disinherited like most of We scapegoats are.
That makes sense cuz they never helped me while they were alive so, why would they after they die? They used the idea of the WILL to try one last jab in the back.
Not caring disarms that intent so, do yourself a favor and expect the worst from your abusers &, when they die, do yourself a favor and maybe do what I did when both of them are finally off the planet & crank the song MEXICAN TAXI by Herb Alpert, pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate*_ding dong the witch is dead_*
🥂 Cheers ❗
Hi Denise, I’m sorry to hear you had such a terrible experience with you family. Hope you’re ok now! ❤️
Thank you for this, I needed to hear this.
Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert 😁
I've been in grief since i was a very young child. Death is just a formality on a certificate. Though we might sometimes feel that the greatest injustice of all is to be written out of their Will, after we've suffered so much, spent most of our lives trying to heal ourselves that we didn't prioritise our careers and making money, it's best to not even think about that. The vultures circling them have been following the money all along, and would have secured their share and ours a long time ago. Hugs and love to you and everyone here.
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Although sad, it’s comforting to know we aren’t alone. ❤️🩹
I been estranged from my children for 17-years. When I had leukemia I didn't get a "get well" greeting from them, or during Covid did they care if I was alive or dead. I recently made out a Will and my kids are not mentioned in it. I leave them nothing. I got no respect from them, so I owe them nothing. All of the talk is kids separating from their parents. I believe it is fair game for a parent to just estrange from their adult children. When I die, I will be cremated without a wake or funeral. So there is no need for the kids to show up and express guilt or feel obligated to make an appearance to keep peace in the family. I frankly wish them well, but I am entitled to living my life and make my own final arrangements that don't involve them.
You are indeed free to make your choices, as they are. I wish you well with your decisions. Take care
@@brucebarr6542 I have done the same. It’s been 5 years. It’s painful, but I feel necessary. My Adult Children were beyond cruel to me during the hardest times in my life. We are free to live our own lives, make our own choices. Including our death. If our love meant nothing to them in life, our death will not matter either.
My vulnerable narcissistic mother died about a year ago after being estranged from her since I was an 18. I'm 62 now. I always thought the only way I could be free was when she died. When I found out she had died it was a strange mix of emotions including relief, anger again for being abandoned one last time and grief. It took me time to sort out all of the feelings. I feel more at peace now and have closed the chapter of holding onto any hope.
Thank you so much for commenting. I think the complex emotions you talk about sound so natural. I’m glad you are finally able to move on and let some peace in. 💗
Thank you@@thescapegoatclub
I think it’s hard for family members to see that they’re not the only ones impacted. I can’t trust my boundaries won’t be crossed. They’re not bad people, but they’ve made me lose my trust in them. I’ve been going on for 4 years and can relate a lot to what you’ve said. I agree, right now the healthiest version of me is to be estranged. I am also uncertain of the future as my family ages. They want me back in their lives but I just don’t feel like I can give them what they want without sacrificing my own well-being. Thanks for the video. This topic was on my mind today.
I'm glad it helped a bit. It is a no-win situation, I think we just have to choose the least awful way. Wishing you all the best.
Then don’t. If you need permission to remain safe, here it is from an old widow broad.
I say it’s best to stay away now before they need care in their older age. The abuse doesn’t stop in fact it only gets worse over time and you become locked into being their slave whilst they are on their deathbed (sometimes for decades as they seem to hang on for dear life making everyone around them miserable especially the scapegoated main carer) 😻
“I can’t trust my boundaries won’t be crossed.” Felt this.
this is terrible advice...mark should get some professional counselling- You can heal your relationships with family if both of you are willing to do the work and set boundaries that are new and healthy- Family ties are the most significant in our learning process and many, not all are worth the effort of healing, there is an inner peace that comes with healing and people who take responsibility for their contribution of how things became toxic or unbearable can give us a new perspective on how we all make mistakes- all the best to Mark and I hope you get good professional advice before you have any more regrets.@@thescapegoatclub
I'm just happy that i was my mom's caretaker and was with her until the very end. She apologized for the abuse that my dad perpetrated on me, he abused her horribly. I will not acknowledge when my dad passes away and he's already in his 90s. I won't go to the funeral. I am totally done! I have had to grieve the betrayal from him more than once when I made the mistake of letting him back in my life when I shouldn't have. The abuse only got worse. I'm done with thinking about feeling guilty. That train has done left the station. This is been going on my whole life and I'm almost seventy years old. I just pray that I don't have to see him in the afterlife and that he does not see my mother either.
I’m so sorry you’ve had so many years of abuse and sadness. It’s so sad, but such a great reminder that if we go back and get abused again, it would be a mistake to do so again. If people are determined to treat us badly, the consequences are on them. I’m wishing you peace and the ability to live your own truth for your future. Take care 💕💕
Aaaaah yes! That's my concern too! Not their death, but I don't want to meet their souls ever ever ever again!
Wonderful you were able to get an apology.
I'm so sorry VM. What you express about the afterlife wow, that resonates so much. I used to be afraid of going to heaven because the bully would be there to terrorize and harm once again. The more i studied the Word, the more i realized the "wicked" go to another place, where for the first time in their existence they may know what it was on earth to have to live in their decades long reign of their own terror and tyranny. Still i pray they repent at least to God before they go, as i wouldn't wish that place on anyone. Well, in moments of anger i did sometimes cry out for justice. Those of us who were abused may never see it in this life, heaven may be the only place where we are finally free of these creatures. I too made the mistake of letting him back in my life, they wax worse and worse with age, i so deeply regret ever cracking the door. Was no contact over 17 years--only to go back to zero. It's robbed me of peace, joy. Betrayal is their life. Never go back.
I'm with you, I gave it everything I had, left no stone unturned . I have absolutely no regrets because I know I tried every single thing and they chose to erase me. There's real comfort in knowing I did everything and I think the deepest mourning has already happened. I am honestly frightened about the complex grief .... I feel it all so much I thought I wasnt going to make it so God knows how I'll cope when one or other dies.
You sound like a true survivor to me. Having gone through so much shows you can get through whatever else you have to. And I truly believe that the stronger we are, the better we can handle what comes our way. I think dealing with the inevitable as our best selves has to be the smartest move. If we’re under their control and messed up emotionally, there is only going to be one outcome. This way maybe we have a chance? I hope so. And I’m with you ❤️
@@dessiecoder2116Children do not have Adult Agency. There is no way to “make amends” with monsters. Accept your’s are gone: We all know why-and so do you despite your transparent reflexive defense mechanisms.
Blows me away that parents, the ones that bring you into this world, can be so callous and hard hearted toward their own children. Pathetic..
I personally feel that when you go "no contact" you need to accept that you may never, ever see or contact the parent and their supporters again. To my mind, this also means you must accept that you are also voluntarily disavowing yourself of any potential inheritance. I really don't care to see any of them ever again. It's been nearly 25 years now for me. My half sister has approached me several times now, and I have simply kept walking. I realize that I will die alone, but then, we all do in the end. I tried going "low contact" first, btw, but I peronally suspect that low contact rarely works. When my parent dies, I can tell you that I wil essentially be indifferent.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It sounds like you have had plenty of time to adjust to the space you have from them. Glad you are doing well, away from them. 🙂
Great
Low contact worked with me for a while. It was that way for a long time. It really depends on what happens, and how insidious the abuse is. Eventually, I had to cut ties. I did get an equal share of the inheritance, though. I was shocked when I received the check and very grateful. I'm sure my siblings don't think that I deserved a dime, but they had many advantages that I did not have. I don't grieve my father's death, but I do think of him often. I keep him in my prayers.
@@chocolate-eq6jn thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are at peace with your situation, which is the best we can do. ❤🩹
@@chocolate-eq6jn Most likely the narcissist want your siblings to think this way. Even from the grave the narcissist has control over their emotions and thoughts. The enablers/flying monkeys`s/servant`s/ psycofants of the narcissist live in the fantasy world of the narcissist.
For most low contact works as long as the narcissist has other sources of supply. When these sources dry out they start to hoover, with the use of lies, gaslighting, and the " i have changed scam" or the " i`m going to change scam", a " trojan horse gift" or some other ploy made to brainwash the victim and get the victim back to the "slave plantation" to be harvested
I’m so pleased this popped up! My husband’s father just passed and the dad divorced his kids along with their mum. We did see him in hospital before he passed and my husband said what he needed to and forgave his father. By that time, machines were keeping him breathing, no brain activity at all. My husband feels a sense of peace he never had before. It’s gut wrenching to have a parent chose to leave you and live a whole new life with a new family.
Thank you for commenting. I'm sorry for your situation and am glad your husband has some peace now. Wishing you all well
My narc dad passed away 4 days ago. I have not felt any grief or loss. I went around 3 years with no communication with him. I honestly have never had any good relationship with him ever. I have felt like he has always played mind games with everyone in our family and has always been so abusive and controlling. Even up to his last day he was that way. Right now I am feeling a little guilty that I have no feelings of grief or sadness. I'm just ready to keep moving forward in my life, but I feel like my siblings are feeling differently maybe? I honestly don't know how they feel. But I have moved on with my life without him a long time ago. I think you are doing the right thing by doing what's best for you and your own mental health. I definitely will subscribe to your channel!
You're not the only one. I too felt little.
I’ve already pretended in my head that I have no family. Maybe if they go before me, I’ll feel differently. In my mind I’ve already grieved them.
Thanks for your comment. So relatable.
Old scapegoat here. I’d give anything to have a few last minutes with my emotionally abusive mother. Even though she was nasty to me and pushed me away(again) the last few weeks of her life, she was the only mother I had, or will ever have. We shared many years together and share the same blood. I understand her upbringing and what made her the way she was. I hold no ill will towards her.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I hope you are looking after yourself- this is so complicated. Take care.
My mother who was the main, obvious narc died 4 years ago and I'm still recovering after all the c... before and after her death. I was in fact nc with her for nearly 2 years before she died, withdrawed in the last minute, cause I was just about to collapse and would no be able to rescue myself. People around m were telling me that I would be sorry, that I would miss her after she dies no matter what, that it would "come after me"...but it didn't. I knew it, I felt it and I was right....there was no missing, no grief,no sorrow for not seing her - nothing of a kind. I cried once or twice when I found some old documents about my birth and some doctors stuff and I was brought back in time. I cried knowing that I never had parents, not just no mother, also no father. But there was a huge relief after her death and then after some time memories start to bubble, and I'm still dealing with it, but it is just hate, anger and disgust for her. I'm affraid that people who have not lived it, will never ever truely understand. They will never get why we have to go NC, how painful and abusive they realy are, howmuch they affect our health, even if we don't expect nothing from our parents, they are stll leathal. I've kind of lost hope that people will get it. I'm from Eastern Europe and I've followed some discussions about it here in my country - about NC, about childhood wounds etc. and many people commenting were saying same old mantra_ you have to forgive, you have to let go, they suffered, too, or it was alchocol that made them behave badly. Maybe some of the commentators are narcs, too and that have children that went NC....who knows....but mostly people think it is overreaction, unfortunatelly. And also lots of people that were victims themselves are not willing to save themselves and take their parents c....I suppose the truth is rather grim and horrible and they don't want to see it no matter the cost.
Thank you so much for sharing your sad story. I feel I can relate so much.... and you are so right. So many people either don’t understand, or have difficult relationships with their kids too and are scared or want to shame us so they don’t have to face their ugly truths.
I really hope you can heal and move on. I know the journey is long, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Grieving what could have been, not what was. It’s hard to let go, that’s for sure. Take care 💕💕
@@thescapegoatclub Thank you so much!... Yes, unfortunately....itis still a huge taboo and a lot of people think you should just take it, not even talk about it and most certainly not go NC or talk "badly" about your parents. But we know how bad it is, what all we have done to make things better. Wish you all the best on this long voyage, too!:..🙂👋🏵
@@lejci38 😁😍
The only people who will ever truly understand are the people who experienced it too. I fully understand everything you are saying , it's also extremely difficult to get people to understand because the abuse is so insidious . Match that with the taboo and as if we weren't isolated enough by having to estrange for our sanity, the lack of understanding and taboo nature of the estrangement magnifies the isolation x 1000
@@vivdoolan6846 so true. That’s the main reason for this channel. I think having the support of others who understand, even if it is virtual, is so healing. Knowing we aren’t alone is empowering when all of our power has been taken away. Thank you for being here 💕
Thankyou, my 2nd year no contact. Your videos make me feel sane & validated. It's funny how so many of the/their scripts I've heard are so similar ie - "you destroyed the family". Apparently I'm going to "roux the day I tried to split this family up" said very recently to my closest friend by my Narc Stepfather. So it's still going on and I'm not even there... I'm 43 yo with an 8yo son, they have never even tried or asked to see my son. But frequently tell others how they're not allowed to see him. I definitely keep him away, as my Stepfather was doing the same to him he used to to me, and would also run me down to my son when he was 4-6 years old, when my son wouldn't have it or agree, he'd berate him and curse terribly, that's when I was around to hear it, don't want to imagine what was said when I wasn't.
It definitely sounds like you are getting told the same propaganda that I am. And it’s amazing how the ‘facts’ change to support their victim stories, isn’t it? I’m glad to hear you are out of it. I hope you’re doing ok 💜💜
@@thescapegoatclub thank you, I did go through a horrible process while grieving and realising what I'd actually been living through. Did eventually come to a place of complete peace with them all gone. I'm absolutely thriving, I'd just left a dv situation too before having to go no contact phase... of course they all made friends with him, and "he's a lucky man to get rid of me" 🙄
@@amitypurple oh god, I am so glad you're out of all of that. thriving makes me so happy to hear. I think in some perverse way having been through such difficult times can allow us to really enjoy life when we're free 💖
Thank you for sharing your story and your perspective. I was estranged from my mom for 8 months before she passed away. I was 53 at the time, I have a thick skin having dealt with her all of my life. I was caregiver for her for 3 years prior but our relationship was extremely toxic and I was losing my sense of self and it became extremely unhealthy for me on a daily basis. I tried many strategies to distance myself from the toxic abuse, but nothing worked. All I wanted was to care for her in her older years and give back to her for the life she gave me but she didn’t make it easy for me mentally and emotionally. I had to leave. Sometimes it’s best to leave the caregiving for the professionals and not family. I held onto a lot of guilt and had to do a lot of healing after she passed, however, I now realize it was best for me for my own self preservation and protection.
You're amazing! 💜
There's no way I'm even trying to take care of mine. Nope!
So true. It’s not as if aging stealthily creeps into one’s home in the darkest of nights, secretes itself in the hall linen closet and at some later in time point jumps out and yells, “Surprise!”
They know. We all do. They deserve nothing from those they abused.
@@tundrawomansays694 💯 well said, yeah, they make their death beds, they have to lay in them.
18+yrs is a lot of time not to course correct, then all those years to old age on top!
It always breaks my heart to see people say they're taking care of abused parents and they're still being abusive.
😓
I am going through this right now. I have tried to practice what I might say when they are gone. This is the best I have come up with so far: "They saw what they wanted to see, they thought what they wanted to think, they felt what they wanted to feel, and they did what they wanted to do." "They were the way they were, good or bad, with or without me" "I tried my best"
One thing I realised is that nothing can change and the best thing I had to do was to stop caring. Once I stopped caring, I was free. It was 60 years of caring about my family that nearly killed me but I no longer care because my not caring any more is no different to them as me caring had been but for me, it's a massive difference. Now I am free.
I had two heart attacks last year from Covid. As I was on the catheterization table, my heart went into a horrible arrythmia and I was convinced that this was it. I was not afraid, but I was so sad that I would never be reconciled with my child. I hope that when your parents die, that you have peace. If they were abusive towards you, please don't feel guilty. If they were bad to you, they do not deserve to have you in their lives unless they own what they did and make ammends.
Thank you for saying this. It means a lot. I wish you well. Take care.
As an estranged Mom, hugs to you. At least you reached out to your parents and explained your perspective. I hope you find all the peace you deserve in your life.
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I wish all the best back to you. 💌
Every day I would give anything to just see my parents again and be able to talk to them, so you may just want to give that some thought. Don,t know if your situation warrants the separation, only you know that. But, believe me nothing is worth never seeing them or talking to them again. Forgiveness is the key. Today, people are just separating Willy nilly. It,s popular. I think it,s quite juvenile. Everyone needs to grow up and move on. Just my thoughts. Good luck
@@barbarahess87 Yes. It's selfish and juvenile and disrespectful. But that seems to be the norm for this generation. I gave so much and lost so much and I don't know why. I would do anything, but it doesn't matter. They erased me from their life and they were my life.
@@juliadevine328 I'm old, and I estranged. Plenty of baby boomers and Gen X did. Don't blame it on this generation. DId they really give you no reason, or did you just dismiss the reasons they gave you?
@@barbarahess87 I know people who don't so much love their parents as endure them. Who regard their parents as an obligation they try hard not to resent. Is that really better than estrangement? A child who will be secretly relieved when you die?
I found that I was completely indifferent when my mother died. We’d been estranged for 40 years and I didn’t attend the funeral. Early on in our estrangement I had thoroughly imagined what my life would look like without her and that included facing her death. After 3-4 months of ‘mourning’ our relationship I embraced my new life. I’ve never looked back or regretted my decision. It’s called radical acceptance and it’s very liberating.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I really appreciate your comment. I'm glad your situation worked out well for you and you are well now!
This was a very thoughtful video and a scenario that a lot of us are thinking about. Thank you for sharing. I just want to note too that I feel you were very graceful in how you handled some of the comments here. Some of these "parents" tell on themselves. Hope you continue to heal and have the beautiful life you always deserved. 🧡
Thank you for your kind comment, and seeing some of the challenges in the comments. 💚
I understand what you are going thru. The same question has been on my mind. Seven years ago, I went no contact because of constant mental abuse for 50 years. My husband who I married in my forties is my rock and sees the abuse that I have endured although he doesn’t understand it. I did go to my stepfathers funeral two years ago. He was a loving man they abused also. My one regret was not being there for him and talking him out of not leaving my mother 30 years ago because I was scared I would lose him. The funeral was hell. I remained calm and even tried to comfort my mom, who I quickly realized that she wasn’t mourning. Oddly, I still desire love from my mom and birth father that I will never get. So I made the decision to not go to either funeral. Not because I don’t care or don’t love them but because I would rather mourn in peace rather than chaos and hate.
Your story resonates so much with me, and I am so sorry you’ve had to go through so much. I also really appreciate your wisdom around wanting to mourn on your own terms. This makes so much sense to me. Better to do what feels right, safe and healing for you, than have to deal with other’s drama. Wishing you all the best 💗
My father and I were estrangement for 26 years with no contact, not on my end. I begged my stepmother to see him when he was ill, but she refused, and said she was honoring his wishes. I asked her to pass on that I loved him and left it.... I did attend the funeral after receiving a phone call the day he passed... Attending the funeral was a very difficult emotional process, but I was very proud of my decision to attend... In one way, it alleviated my anxiety around the estrangement, and I was able to process the loss of the relationship..I would recommend lots of emotional support/ counselling because the pain lessons but the mourning carries on as part of the process....
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds so hard…. I think there are no easy answers on this. But yes, doing what was right for you and being proud of yourself- amen! That shows so much strength. 💕
I mourned the death of my relationship with my parents when I realized they would never and could never change - that's when I went 100% no contact. Not expecting the death of their physical body to change much of anything.
I can really relate to this. I hope you're doing well now.
@@thescapegoatclub Best of my life, thank you! Hope you're doing well also. I subscribed!
When my toxic father passes it will be a gigantic weight off of my shoulders.
There is always a solution. You need to find a mediator and learn to see the problem from 30,000 feet. Don’t waste another second. From your pain, it is clear you already know that the ultimate value is Love. Otherwise, you would not be feeling pain. Nothing is greater than Love. Set ego aside, set all else aside: Be bigger. Whatever the problem is, be deaf, dumb and blind to it. Just Love them anyway. The rest is just words. Be still, be silent, just Love. You will never regret it. Trust me, I speak from experience. In the face of death, you will look back and every problem will seem petty by comparison. Don’t wait, don’t hesitate. “Time is running like a river to the sea…” Life is about Love and nothing more. Anchor yourself in it. Be unconditional. That is what family teaches us: True, Unconditional Love. Be True. Be Love.
Yes, sometimes the solution is to walk away. Love can be done from a distance, and cannot be forced from another person. Wishing you well.
It’s me. It’s I… Thank you for your truth and courage ❤️ You make me feel less alone in my own story.
You're welcome. And you aren't alone. We're here for you.
I hear the pain in your voice when speak about your parents. It is so hard to go no contact. 😢.
I have been estranged from my father for 26 years now, and estranged from my mother for 16 years. My father was basically a good guy, but a wounded person and raging addict. He just could not be a parent and never wanted to be. My mother on the other hand is a manipulative, lying, violent, angry, abusive person. She was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive to me as I was growing up. She loved to put me in dangerous and humiliating situations and took great pleasure when I got hurt. In 1982, when I was 15, she took me to a crowded bar. She told me she was going to use the bathroom and then disappeared. I sat for hours waiting for her to come back. She never did. A strange man drove me home where I found her fast asleep in her bed. When I was an adult, she offered me money once to date a man who, at the time, had been accused of assaulting multiple women. I said absolutely not. She told me he was a great guy and just going through a hard time. Thankfully he is now in prison. I think she would have loved it if I had been hurt by him. When I was 35 she told me that she admitted she never wanted to give birth to me. I finally had to make the decision go no contact on my 40th birthday. For the next 7 years she launched smear campaigns, sent out flying monkeys and hired a moving company to clear out her basement and deliver 30 boxes of trash to my front door while I was at work. That’s just the tip of the iceberg of what she did. Thankfully she finally stopped.
She’s now 82, and I know that probably in the next 5-7 years I will be faced with her death. I think often about how I will respond. Will I be upset? Will I be relieved? Will I be sad? Will I be angry? Will I be happy? Will I cry? Will it just be another day? I just don’t know. Anyway. I’m glad I found your channel. I subscribed. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I’m sorry that you’ve also had to make the difficult decision to go no contact. So many people think it’s easy, but it isn’t. It’s probably the hardest decision a person can make.
Hi there, wow, your story is wild! I don’t have words for so much you’ve said here. Ugh, some is truly nasty. I relate to now knowing what will happen when my parents die, but you know, reflecting on your experience, at least these betrayals can’t happen any more. That’s something. Thanks so much for commenting and joining the club. We’re glad to have you. ❤️❤️
I'm in the process of estranging myself from my family, who were both physically and emotionally abusive.
Unfortunately my dad got diagnosed with cancer for the second time, when I finally got the courage to cut him off, no less than a week I was told his cancer got worse and he has stage 4 cancer.
My dad is a textbook narcissist, and I was his golden child, and that relationship in of itself hurt my younger sibling alot more than it has hurt me. Despite being his golden child, I never had a close relationship with my dad, I was always scared he would abuse me like he did our mother, I was afraid he would hate me like the rest of my family did.
I grieved the fact that I would never have the familial love I wanted roughly 5 years ago, but I never cut them off because I felt obligated to being there. However, at least once a year I get re-traumatized by some family member, I lives in fear of my family and even though I've basically ran away, I still live in fear because I am maintaining contact with them.
I just want it to end.
Hi Chi Fun, I can relate to your comment so much. I felt exactly the same when I was in close contact with my family. You are not alone.
It is really hard, and only you know what you need to do. I won’t say you know what is right, but you have identified exactly what is wrong for you. I hope you can maintain a strong boundary with your family, even your dad. Being sick does not excuse abusive behavior. A wise therapist once asked me what I would do if the abuse I was experiencing went on for another 20 years. It’s a good question to ask ourselves.
You deserve a life free from abuse, free from fear and where you can live your own life. 💗💗💗
My parents where abusive all my life. My father cheated on my mother and they made the unconscious decision to use me as they're emotional tampon. I was 5 when hat happen. But i don't blame my father for cheating because i know how hysteric and egocentric my mother is. First they tried to use my younger brother as the scapegoat but i was so disgusted by there behavior that I tried to protect my brother by calling them out on the bad behavior towards him. So in the end they decided to use me as the scapegoat. I was 7 when this happen. The worse thing is that my brother also turned against me and abused the situation to have a beneficial relationship with my parents. He is a real rat and coward. Always lying and manipulation the situation to his favor. I was never believed when something happen. My family never supported me when i was bullied at school do to lack of self confidence. Also because my younger brother urinated on a grave and told everybody it was me. And because we are only 1.5 years apart we looked very similar. (He told me this when we where older) As a adolescence i drugged myself a lot and had depression anxiety. I guess i wanted to escape reality. My parent didn't even realize what i was doing. The abuse became stronger and stronger over the years. Me wanting to adapt and have a good relationship but In the end there was an incident. I had to flee to the roof of the house because of one of many anger attack of my parents because i wanted to eat cereals at 10 pm. I slipped and open my knee on a metal on the roof because i was panicking full of adrenaline escaping to the roof. There was a lot of blood and my parents found it amusing. I hat to threaten them with the police to drive me to the hospital. But my mother only drove me to the railway station and the rest i had to go alone with a open knee bleeding like crazy. The story gets even crazier and more traumatic when after this event my father comes to the room to tell me i have a false sense of ego and I have to much pride and i need to go to a therapist. This was the moment i realized my parents are mentally ill. I moved out as fast as i could. (with 25 years old) In the 2 years i was alone in my apartment i realized why they chose me as the scapegoat. I channeled all my emotion and let them out. It was a crazy time. Thanks to special meditation techniques analyzing my memories also getting rid of the gas lighting. There was so much physical abuse as a child i forgot and this memories where hidden in my subconsciousness. I learned a lot during that time and i strongly advice for everybody how has abusive parents to be alone for some time. I realized most of the whys and hows of my problems. After this 2 years I married with 27 during the pandemic and moved from Switzerland to Mexico. Now i have a supportive family witch is over 200 members i see regularly. (I grew up speaking Spanish and German) They all know my family situation and don't judge me. Im very open and speak what i think when it comes to my past. I love Mexico and there people. My wife is very supportive and she was the one how helped me in my worst years of my life. We talked a lot on the phone and she was the girl i told everything since Im 13 years old. She came to visit me and we fell in love and married. She was the one how told me to speak to God for guidance. And it really works. I stooped taking any drugs since then and now we have our own business witch is doing very well. My life went from horrible to supper amazing by just taking the decision to go no contact with this crazy maniacs. The rest of my family lives in Spain and they are all feminists. When i asked them for help and wanted to reconcile with my family in the 2 year period alone, everybody just ignored me and instead ended up sending pictures of a demonstration of feminism they went on the weekend. I called them out for support and begged them to not ignore me but instead they all just laughed at me. I also broke up contact with them completely. My family is so messed up and my 3 female cousins living in Spain are all alone and desperate to be in a relationship. They are really struggling to find a partner because they are very toxic. I am 30 now and i am the only one of the younger in my family how is married ore wants to have children. I will not let my family ruin my life with there sickening role they gave me or there self sabotaging believes. Sometimes you just have to draw the line make a decision and be strict to yourself. If my parents will die one day i am not even sure i want to know. I tried a lot to reconcile with them but as always parental self-reflection is absent! Incapable of hearing and tolerating feedback. The parent feels to guilty ore ashamed when the child comes to them and say you cause me harm. Parents with extreme pride because they have a fragile ego. They acct like little children how don't want to take responsibility for there actions. In other words. STUPIDITY. And you can do nothing against stupidity. Stupid people only cause tragedy. I had enough drama and tragedy in my life. I guess i just don't care anymore. I let my anger come out and transformed it in to motivation and drive. To do better, to move forward. There comes one point in life where you have been humiliated enough, where the anger and frustration becomes so big, that you just stop caring, where you become to tired of crying ore all the negative emotions associated to them. I guess if i would receive the message that one of my parent died i would be sad a little maybe cry a little, leave the inheritance to my brother and move one with life.
That's what I've been dealing with for the last 11 months since my mom passed. The loss of hope. Thank goodness I had already started my therapeutic journey. I wish you peace.
To be the healthiest version of me I have to be estranged~love that you said that-it’s so true ❤
💚 glad it helped. Hope you’re doing well ❤️❤️
I was 99% I had done the right thing and our relationship would never change after walking away until my (adult) daughter texted that my mother wanted me to get ahold of her because she just wanted to know that I was ok. I did not respond, realizing that after four years of separation, healing and reflection that she just wanted her granddaughter to think she cares and then give her sympathy. If she wanted to reconnect or did indeed care about my well being she would just contact me directly. That bumped it to 99.9%.
great insight! It's subtle, but I think we become very attuned to what a real attempt at reconciliation would look like, and the half or fake attempts that come our way. Glad you are doing ok and making peace with something so hard.
I’m no contact with my egg donor. I honestly would not go to her funeral. I pray for her but my heart no longer allows me to feel/cry/grieve for an abuser.
I've commented on a few scapegoat/no contact videos over the years with my experience. It has attracted hateful comments from what I assume to be estranged parents who have assured me that my parents are living a much better life now that I'm gone, enjoying their last few years without such a horrible child, while meanwhile here I am counting years and being miserable and they hope I "wake up" and reconcile.
I am counting years because it's not a joyful scenario for me. It's the same way you count years after someone dies. In time, it hurts less but you always are aware of the absence. But when the alternative is walking on eggshells, furious drunk calls at 3 AM from an alcoholic mother, bullying from a narcissistic father, and living in constant anxiety about what they'll decide I'm at fault for next, I would rather just not engage. It's really just deciding which pain hurts less and accepting it as an unpleasant accessory to living my life in peace.
Thank you for your comment. I wish you well with your journey ahead. Take care
Both my parents were NPD. My mother overt. My father more covert. My GC sister is passive aggressive covert. I went total no contact 6 years ago. I just walked away. No arguments. No explaining. No confrontation. I realised it was useless. They were hell bent on making me the 'bad one'. They didn't actually see me at all. My father died 2 years later and my mother died 4 weeks ago. It IS devastating and has left me with a dreadfully hollow feeling. I did go to both funerals and was treated with total distain. The trick if you decide to go is to avoid eye contact and not go to the wake. I went because I needed closure. No other reason. I wanted to be able to look back and say I didn't run away. I stood my ground and did what was right for me in the long run. Yes, if you go you will be met with outright abusive behaviour which hurts like hell. But it was interesting seeing my family from an outside perspectivve, especially my sister, her toxic husband (she married our mother!) and their three children. The golden child (the first born and most toxic one). The scapegoat (looking entirly different to the others and stuck out on the end in silence). And the lost child ( pale, blacked eyed and drawn) she's in her late twenties but still looks around 12 years old? All very odd and very unhealthy looking. Mostly it was the aura that came off them. It was like they were a cult, no member being allowed to make eye contact or converse with anyone outside it. All dressed in black. If you do go to the funeral you will clearly see the dysfunction in these people.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds so hard. You are very courageous to go, knowing it was the right thing for you. I hope you are doing ok and looking after yourself through such a difficult, no-win situation. Sending support your way 💚💚
So you're a psychiatric nurse or practitioner,???
If the answer is no then you just made that all up lol , you have to treat the person and be an unbiased onlooker to diagnose NPD
@@BruceLee-fd7uw No one can diagnose these monsters better than a Family Scapegoat who has endured the insanity for their entire life. Experience trumps book knowledge every time.
“Closure” is a myth perpetuated by the self-help INDUSTRY as is “Forgiveness.” This industry has words de jour/words of the year and “closure” is one of them. We see the same with their newest crap, “Highly Sensitive Person.” If women weren’t neurotic enough, the self-help INDUSTRY is there to ensure you remain convinced the problem is YOU.
Umm, no, it’s not. Their “self-help” is actually, “Let me help myself to your wallet.”
My mom is 90. Im 62. I had no choice but to go "No Contact" with her, after writinger her 5 letters of explanation.
I felt unheard and disrespected. Mainly unheard.
I know Ill have conficting emotions because my mom and I had some good memories.
Thankyou.
Jess, it’s wonderful that you have that 1% of hope. Illogical? Yes- but still wonderful.
In the face of so much pain, you have not become bitter, hardened or despairing.
That’s just wonderful. Nobody showed you how to be like that- it’s just in you.
I love that.
thank you!
After my mom died, my dad was snatched up by a vindictive, narcissistic woman who has literally worn him to the bone. He is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s and I don’t know how long he has. I’ve gone no contact for 10 agonizing years. Dad has narcissistic run-off…he changed after he married that narcissist. I forgive him. I know he made a bad choice of a new mate out of desperation when my mom died. They were married 43 years…I just wish my dad peace and I love him with all my heart. I wish it wasn’t this way. May the angels bring him home.
@BrightSpaceBabe I feel the pain in your situation. I am so sorry. Sending 💚💚
I'm in the same place you are. I recently have gone no contact. I am not sure how to handle things moving forward. I have not written a letter, however I have not called them or spoke with them in over two months. This past week was my mother's birthday - I did not call or send a card. It was a very hard day. Like you, Chess, my folks are elderly. I have siblings. I did tell one siblings but I did not tell the others. Somehow I don't think there is a need. I'm still in uncharted waters. Thank you for being vulnerable. Most surely, it is not easy.
It is hard. I can relate so much. I think taking your time is so important. Things will become clearer and easier, in my experience anyway. There is a lot of sadness and grief, and no 'right' way to do this... but we're in a really hard situation. Being kind to ourselves, and allowing space to follow our hearts and finally keep ourselves safe has to take priority.... finally.
I gave my mother a lot of chances and I tried to make our relationship work but nothing worked and she isn't going to change. The last thing I told my mother was I will not be attending her funeral in future and wished her all the best and haven't had contact ever since.
Good for you for knowing what you needed to do. I hope you are doing really well now 💕
I was relieved when my mother died. I refused to view the body.I was her only child and at least 60% of my life was spent having the silent treatment thrown my way. I gave her the silent treatment back. Who calls their only child a loser on Christmas day at the dinner table? She was mad that I was on disability and not working. The family was so disfunctional that no one dared to say anything. I said something snarky and let it go. She disowned me 6 months before she died, but the will was written wrong so at least got the house!
I am so sorry you didn't get the support and love you deserved from your mother. It sounds like you have made peace with a lot of it. Hope you are ok!
@@thescapegoatclub Happy as can be now that she is gone. She tried to hoover me from the other side and I told to never come back. She hasn't!
What comforts me is knowing that when my father crosses to the other side, he will be in the purity of light again and realize his doings. And from there, we can begin having a new type of relationship - albeit from a different form.
Disclaimer: This comes from someone who believes in Spirit and life after death. Please don’t take offense for those who do not believe.
Love this perspective!
I had been no contact with my mom when she died. I realized that the feeling I faced then was an old one. I grieved my mom long before she passed, and that still hurts me.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Take care.
I had my epiphany when I went no contact with my malignant narcissistic mother. I remember standing in the middle of the road and waving bye-bye when the golden children took her away. I felt nothing, I just stopped giving a crap. I ended up going completely out of control and delusional, these damnable narcissists leave mine fields behind, buried and camouflaged just in case they are cutoff.
Sort of a failsafe device to detonate and devastate. The damn thing blew up in my face and I lost everything, she even trashed all of my memories. I stood there reading the eviction notice feeling like I’ve been gang raped. That was almost 4 years ago. I had to be heavily medicated and sedated just keep my head from exploding. I built my own prison because I felt that I could not be trusted. Great! I spent the majority of the last 4 years locked up in an apartment the size of a shoebox with all the furniture I could save. A few months before we were evicted I received an angry phone call from a family member chastising me for being an ungrateful son who will not visit his beloved mother who was begging anyone who would listen to bring me to see her. I felt nothing towards her but acrimony. She had the decency of finally dying last year. I didn’t give her the satisfaction of guilting me one more time. I was done with her, and them. I attended her memorial service and got the stink eye from my supposed family. I didn’t care. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. About 6 months ago I started decreasing my medication, and now all those feelings I have been bottling up for the last 6 decades started bursting out with a vengeance. I am trying very hard at confronting my emotions now that I have done some healing but I have many more miles to go before I can say truthfully that I am healed. It’s a damn good start and thank you for reading my story. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the demons. I wonder how she will explain herself to almighty God on judgement day, I’ll be waiting and watching for her because I will be the first one in line. For I will be sanctified. I do not fear death.
I am humbled by almighty God and my guardian angel for not forsaking me when I was at my worst. Thank you Jesus for leading me out of the wilderness and towards peace. Thanks to the Holy Spirit for breathing life back into my body for I was surely dead. I will have to change with a good therapist helping me pull out the weeds that have been sucking the life right out of me. Put my house in order and pray that my wife and family will forgive me. As Jesus has forgiven me and I hope that they can as well.
As you hear a howling wolf in the distance, know that I am alive and doing well.
Peace out ✌️😎
I hear so much pain in your story, I’m so sorry you’ve had so many difficulties with your family. I hope you can find a way forwards with the peace you deserve. Please take care 💕💕
You "cut them off for good" yet you attended their funeral? Jesus said: "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you follow Me."
@@reesedaniel5835 thanks for the post, I know that with help and guidance of our lord Jesus Christ to watch over my family and myself as we navigate turbulent waters ahead of us in the coming future and approach our problems with humility and persevere until we achieve a successful outcome. Finally be happy and content so we can sail calm waters towards the setting sun and finally experience Gods glory.
Peace out ✌️😎
Thank you for this topic. Thank you. I've had my mother passed 2 yrs ago. You totally get it. Wishing you love through this experience
And sending lots of love back to you!
Both my parents, dad the henpecked enabler and mom the bitter, caustic manipulator passed away before I got into therapy and learned about dysfunctional family systems. Nonetheless, I did have an emotional breakdown at her funeral Mass. I’d been left completely alone at my sister’s house to dress and drive myself to the church and I couldn’t get out of bed. Curled up in the fetal position, ADHD Demand Avoidance plus CPTSD Freeze response to being abandoned, left alone to completely fend for myself with no one there to care for mine. I did call around, my daughter’s car was full, and my “friend” said it was out of her way even though the church is
Oh Jen, your story is heartbreaking. The pain you describe is so real. I am so sorry you had to do through that experience... and now you are being shamed over it. It's awful. It sounds like you did more than your share when your mum was alive.
Your perspective about funerals is spot on and so helpful. It's good to remember they are for other people, not the dead. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope you are healing. ❤🩹
Jesus said to "Let the dead bury their own dead." And that's exactly what I did.
lol you celebrate that finally you truly are free. My mom died in 2011 of bladder cancer from putting Splenda in her coffee for years. It affexted me greatly until I learned abkut abuse and one day looked back on fond childhood memories. Now I'm happy shes gone.
She says she is happy with her decision, she doesn't look happy.
I am one of twelve , our mother died when I was 6.5 and that’s where my trauma began . I was brought up by my narc father who I now realize was not my biological father . My upbringing was very sad emotionally and I divorced them all in 2015 by letter , I did have contact with one brother but have recently let him go too . I will not tolerate gaslighting by anyone . If they all begin to die before me , I know with surety that I will not attend any of their funerals because my belief is , if you don’t have contact with them in life I will not have contact at death either and I am happy and at peace with my decision I wish them all well too 🙏
Thank you for sharing your experience and decision. It feels solid and calming, I appreciate you commenting!
The selfishness rejection is why. You are responsible actually. Take it from me first hand. I'm almost there and I cant wait to be gone.
I'm not quite following your comment. I think you are implying that a person estranging then becomes responsible for all the problems.... somehow?
But whatever brings you here, I wish you well. Take care.
My two daughters are estranged from me. They will NOT be included in my will. I have left instructions that I don’t even want them at my funeral. My mother (who was a fantastic mom) became estranged from me after dad died. I don’t want her at me funeral either. She came to my husband’s funeral a year before dad died, and all she did was bitch that my sister wasn’t able to make it 😮 If someone cannot be in your life; if they can’t try to resolve things like mature adults; then they have no rights to be allowed at your funeral (or vice versa).
You can't resolve someone else's bad behavior.
Short answer: We celebrate because we never have to deal with the prospect of having to interact with them ever again, and the nightmare is confirmed to be over.
The best choice I made was to stop talking to my emotional and verbally abusive father. He has died now. My only regret is that I didn't have a loving supportive father. People don't change. He was abusive my entire life. I feel sorry for him. He missed out. I have no regrets. I morn the father that I needed not the one I had. He left millions of dollars for me when he died. His siblings have kept it from me since I was estranged from my father. Basically his entire side of the family thinks I am a horrible daughter. They have no idea the pain this man, my father, caused me. Not giving me what was intended for me is just another hurt related to my father... A kind word from him would have meant much more than leaving me millions anyway. Leaving me money was his attempt to show his family was a "Great" father he was lol. I am not willing to fight anyone for money. They can have it. I am fine!
Good channel concept thanks ❤. My grandmother’s and dads last months were marked with dementia that made them forget why, or that they ever had distanced themselves. I feel very grateful I had those days with my dad. Never expected it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am glad you had some good times 😍
I didn't feel peace at all what I feel is massive regret. I looked at my mother at her wake and thought we both wasted so much time and nothing ever changed. I do hope she forgives me and knows I did love her. I don't know what the answer is but I feel no relief from any of this.
I’m so sorry. I hope you can work through some of this and find some relief. It sounds like you had a really tough situation, and even if you could have done a bit more, there were good reasons why you didn’t. And there were two of you in the relationship, so at least half of that is not on you. Wishing you peace and forgiveness for yourself too 💚💚
I love that you tried to talk with them about what you felt was wrong in the relationship, and that you wished them well on departing.
In the case of parental alienation, the (adult) child does not try to discuss with their parent, but rejects them on hearsay. Any contact is full of judgement and accusation and anything the rejected parent says is interpreted in the worst light.
Every estranged child should learn about the differences between a child who has been abused and a child who has been alienated.
Family breakdown is heartbreaking.
I was not as wise as you, but kept begging and pleading and being accused and slandered till my mother died, still lying about me.
I reacted emotionally in my trauma, and looked like the crazy one.
I had to detach emotionally and give up false hopes.
Had to learn not to JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining).
Books which helped me:
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
Mothers who Can't Love by Susan Forward
Done With the Crying by Sheri McGregor
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lisa Terkeurst
TH-cam channels:
Dr Les Carter
Dr Ramani
Divided Families
The Reconnection Club podcasts by Tina Gilbertson
God bless you all. Know that you are greatly loved and understood by God, and you are enough.
Thank you for your kind, thoughtful comment. I am sorry you had such a difficult relationship with your mother. I hope you are recovering. You deserve peace and love 💕 take care
@@thescapegoatclub thank you , yes, I am 5 years into my new life, free of bullies and accepting the losses.
@@michelepascoe6068 so glad you are on the other side and finding a new way. 💙
@@thescapegoatclub thanks ❤
My parents were on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum; mostly just self-centered, not outwardly cruel. I never left them or betrayed them, but neither have I mourned them. I suppose it's because I never felt like they really knew me or wanted to.
Your comment really resonates with me. They are not interested in who we are.
I have an estranged daughter. I’m learning to just except it and move on. She claims I am a narcissist. I believe I am the biggest empath on the planet. I simply gave her too much growing up. I’m ok with her decision to break away if it makes her feel better. Parents cannot always take the full blame. What about our feelings? Why is just about theirs? Parents, take a deep breath. Life is still out there. Get out and enjoy it. Please do not sit in misery. Accept their decision and continue to live your life. ❤
in some ways estrangement is worse than death as its like a haunting, you hear about them ect... When my crazy mom died I asked my son not to be angry if I didn't openly grieve as I grieved her loss when I went no contact 20 yrs earlier, he seemed to understand. there was no funeral, she claimed she never wanted one, all along she told me I was cut out of the will but surprisingly I did get a share, sad how narcissitics use money to control others, I did share about a third with my son even though I knew he had lied, he was the golden child of the family and he and his lazy wife thought they were taking it all.Life is full of surprises, never give up as you may just be only 5 min. from your miracle!
thanks for sharing your story! I often wonder what the miracle is in all of this.... just to live in peace, I think. take care 💗
I really needed this reminder among others today. I was put into a position where I was in physical close proximity with the toxic mother that I chose to walk away from after so many efforts. I felt immensely sick and hollow. I survived but it’s not something I really want to do again.
I had to wait until my momster left my brother's funeral. To see her across the lot after her not even trying to care about him for over 20yrs was really difficult. I understand a bit of how you felt. So sorry you went through that, but you're doing your best. 🤍
@@StephieGsrEvolution I really appreciate it and it’s rather frustrating and churning to have to go through someone “acting” like that. As it’s an act or even just a part that won’t last whether genuine or not at the moment. I hope your situation is better and you are getting closer to getting the total distance from her that u need. Right now, I’m just remaining distant and neutralizing her influence if I do end up in that pothole and stay close to my support. Thankfully it’s only just a few scattered days and then that’s it for the year. I leave it just there in the past and away from my mind as possible like “leaving work at work.” Honestly there should be a union like group that helps out those in these situations. It’s saddening.
@@r3b0rn_mike117 I've been estranged for almost 25yrs from her. That was the only time I saw her. I think that's what the best thing to do is not even see them occasionally if it's too stressful.
Take care! It sounds like you know what you need, so hope you can have that space from the toxicity as much as possible
@@thescapegoatclub thank uuuu from across the pond. It’s rather arse faced that there’s no safety net through the government that better helps ppl stay away from these situations. I’m having a peaceful Friday and weekend away from it with other loved ones though.
This is an important but difficult subject. I think the major feeling is that when your a good person and are caring and loving even after abuse you struggle to be there for your parents because they cause you so much pain that you can't get out of bed for days or function when you are around them. Being scared to see mam because you are not good enough in her presence is a hard pill to swallow. Then you find love for yourself and realise that you were always good enough. I miss my mam but what do I miss? I miss being loved and accepted but it wasn't there so what do I miss? The thought of a loving mother. Again when you care even after abuse it is soul destroying when you will care for anyone and not have kids because of fear of hurting them emotionally is pretty sad. I send love to all and any parent who feels guilty should let their children know to validate only then can a child finally heal. ❤
Your parents might well appear to "soften" in their old age; but only because the tables have turned, they can no longer rely on their friends for and THEY need YOU. No, you owe them nothing, honestly. At some stage you have to put YOU first - they never did, and yet you never asked to be born. When they go....ignore the other family members they do not know what went on behind closed doors when their masks were removed. You might not feel any loss, I didn't! Only the feeling of losing the Mum and Dad I COULD have had if I had been loved as a child ought to be. No, guilt is not necessary, in fighting for your own survival you have done NO wrong
Thank you for such a validating comment! I agree with the sadness of losing the idea of who our parents could have been, but never were.
Thank you so very much for sharing this, thank you. You are brave, strong woman. My story is similar to yours and your video resonated beyond measure. Sending you so much love and big hugs xo
Sending support right back to you! Thank you for being here. Take care.
I became a fairly estranged daughter due to stuff my dad did, not to me but to my siblings. I saw him not too long ago in the dream state & his spiritual journey continues on the other side.
When the estranged parent dies, the outcome afterwords depends on the other family members ability to see everyone as a separate person with separate values etc. The healthy person will let you know what is going on so, you can be there to support the others. The dysfunctional family won’t be able to separate into individual people. They will all talk to you or all avoid you with few exceptions. However, if you go no contact with an individual you already know how this plays out.
You are so right. The estrangement story is influenced so much by other family members. And it stands to reason that the ones closest to the unhealthy parent are quite likely to be unhealthy too. It's so hard to navigate and understand where one person ends and the next one begins.
Thank you for sharing. My husband's birth - mother has never connected. At a small age, she raised his sister. Both my husband and his brother were raided by his father and later his amazing and God-sent step-mom. We recently received a message his sister died and his birth mom needed assistance. Really. Seriously it’s not going to happen. I believe in life you are given choices. As the Bible says.. you reap what you sow.
I answered back by saying. We wish her all the best and will pray for her and hope she finds a nice place where she is loved. Goodbye. I got a response back with a. I understand . Thank you
@Rebecca, thank you for sharing your story. It is sad, but it sounds like you made a very wise choice. Distancing with kindness sounds the best way. 💟
Thank you. This came up in my feed at a very difficult time. After decades of trying to “fix” my mentally ill mother, I have made the decision to end our relationship. I did my very best. I sought therapy, attended classes on her specific personality disorder, and read books. I tried compassion, empathy, writing letters, being firm, being blind with rage. Nothing worked. I still feel so much guilt and know that if she dies before me, I’ll have very complicated feelings. I think I’ve mourned for years the reality that I will never have the kind of motherly figure I so badly needed.
Good for you. We were inculcated with the idea we had no right to care for ourselves and what ever maltreatment they dished out was “for your own good.”
Bull shyte. Continue to move on and evolve as a human being. Not easy when you have shyte for alleged “parents.” Best wishes.
so your best strategy was abandon her? right.....I see
If they saw this. They would not understand. They will just say bad things about you. Blame you. They will not see why you have done it. Im having therapy.. also when one of them dies the one left guilt trips you into helping them. The best thing you can do is stay away or you have to go through it all again 😢😢😢