I actually teared up at “you don’t have to apologize for your boundaries”. I’ve been in a lot of situations I’d rather not have been in and while I know that setting boundaries and standing up for myself isn’t something that’s easy for me to do: hearing you tell me that I don’t have to be sorry for not being what my partner expects or wants me to be made me realize how deep that mindset actually goes in my brain and that it’s not okay to keep it that way. Thank you.
@@gwennygrausamt leaving a relationship because feeling guilty about not being able to be what somebody wants is incredibly relatable. I'm trying to remind myself that I cannot dictate what they want and I should not be cutting it off I should be letting them cut it off. It doesn't make it any easier though.
Me and my girlfriend had a conversation the other day about intimacy and she came out to me as ace. I’ve been watching ace content to have a better understanding and we’ve had a conversation about boundaries and what it means to her to be asexual. For those who are in a relationship with someone who is ace as a non-ace person, it’s key to have these conversations. Also, I recommend reading Loveless, a book about a girl discovering and coming to terms with her asexuality and with her being aromatic. It gives you a lot of insight and understanding into the ace community and perspective!
I found this channel by going to Twitter and searching the #Asexual feeds. I did that because I feel alone in a world of people that want sex in a relationship while I do not. I have not been in a relationship for over a decade because of it. Came here to get words of encouragement from like minded people. Glad to see there is an outlet for people like me. Thank you.
It feels so nice to get this type of advice from somebody older than me. I didn’t know I was ace until after I became an adult and I’m so happy there’s someone like you, with real life experience, reaching out to help young aces.
❤I've been Asexual my whole life - I want absolutely No Part of Sex. I am a former Professional High Fashion Model and a former Professional NFL Cheerleader - One guy told me that I was too pretty to be Asexual , ( As if to say only unattractive people should be Asexual - " IT'S NOT A CHOICE " ) . . . . I thought I was totally alone in this world !!! I've never met another Asexual , I guess that's because only 1% of people are Asexual - ( What are the odds that I would meet another Asexual in my lifetime ) - and if I did , would he be someone I am attracted to ??? I don't worry about it anymore . . . . " IT IS WHAT IT IS " . . . . I Just - " DO ME " !!! ❤
Differenciating the Loud voices and the Little voices- thats such a great way of conceptualizing it in a more grounding way that I really needed to hear. Im so happy you're making these videos, they help my anxiety so much. 💙
I’m going to make a video more specifically about compulsory sexuality and the other loud voices. It’s a way of thinking that helps me a lot. I’m glad it works for you too. And thank you for supporting the channel!
I had the “no/limited sex” conversation with this guy at the very beginning to make sure this was something I wanted to pursue. He reassured me that was fine and that sex shouldn’t be a priority in our relationship and it’s ok. 5 months later and it’s been a couple months with no sex and he tells me we never had that conversation 😥
Well your partner was in the wrong for claiming this wasn't a problem for him when it infact was. But generally you should know that for allosexual people sex is sometimes a need, not just a want - so romantic relationships sometimes ar enot possible, depending on how high the allosexual's labido is, and if you are fine with your partner getting sexual satifaction from other sources (like FWB or hook-ups). Asking someone who is allosexual to never have sex again to be with someone is just as bad and invalidating as asking an asexual person to suck it up and let their partner have sex. Both atiitudes are toxic and should be avoided. Some people are just not compatible with eachother
Thank you so much for doing this.🥺💜 Those were literally the kind of words I needed to hear throughout this journey of discovering and embracing my asexuality. Here in Mexico, at least, that loud voice (compulsory sexuality) is not only acephobic but also extremely misogynist... I'm taking your advice and I'm starting to focus on our safe, loving and caring spaces such as this channel. Abrazo!
Here it’s also seen as something very wrong if you’re not in a relationship (especially when you’re supposedly pretty so why don’t you have a man? Also kids, obviously) even though same sex relationships are more accepted the idea of being 30 and single is just shock, horror, that’s so abnormal 😱 and there are even derogatory terms that date from way way back to older women that live alone (proof that ace people have always been around, yet still shunned)
As an ace person in their late thirties who recently got in a relationship after a very long time (and it's my first relationship where I know I'm ace), this channel has been very helpful. I didn't particularly have this fear specifically bc I was for years very content not being in a relationship but the loud voice of compulsory sexuality is such a familiar feeling which I didn't have words for before this video. It's so gratifying to have words for things and it's so important. Thank you!
My pleasure. I agree. It’s so important to have a language for your experience. And that’s why I’m doing the work I’m doing. I’m glad it’s helpful. Thanks for being here and being you!
Around 20-22 years of age, I always felt like I fell on the ace spectrum. Now at 25, after reflecting on all my past relationships, I’ve finally realized that I’m very much asexual lol. I’ve realized sex has never done anything for me in terms of pleasure and I just wanted to please my partners. In my last relationship, we would go extremely long periods without sex, and I would only have sex out of guilt because I felt like I was depriving my partner. Sex was always just something I went along with because it’s widely expected in most romantic relationships. Despite that, it always made me uncomfortable how “sex-obsessed” society was..Plus I was never good at discussing boundaries, which I now know is extremely unhealthy. I still have a lot to learn about asexuality but thank you for making videos like this ✨
Nice video! Lots of good advice both for asexual folx and for people in general. Not apologizing for what one wants or needs out of a relationship is so important. Repeatedly apologizing can create a dynamic where one might feel less than their partner(s), which can cause long term effects on self-worth in and out of the relationship.
Thank you for this awesome advice. Honestly I am not sure if I am asexual or that I have no libido due to medication or trauma. But hearing people say it is okay to not have sexual attraction to others is so nice and relieving to hear! I am so confused when it comes to my sexuality but I feel good accepting that right now I feel completely ace and that it is okay no matter if sexual feelings will or will not come in the future.
Wow. This advice is so important and I needed to hear some of these comments without even realising it before I started watching this video. Really great video! Saving for future reminders! Thank you
Thank you for all this videos, my last relationship ended with her telling me that I would die alone because I didn't know how to love someone, I don't blame her because as you say communication is important and back then i didn't even know i was ace so i couldn't talk to her about it
This is so beautiful and helpful! Years ago, I dated a man who is demi-sexual, and I had never heard the word, but thought it might apply to me too. At least at that age. As a younger person, I'd been quite interested in sex (although not active due to personal beliefs). Now as I've gotten older, I have less "desire", almost none, partly due to physical changes, so I think I am probably ace now. I didn't know I could change in that way. I just found your channel - do you have any videos about people changing over a lifetime, for whatever reasons? And how those conversations in a relationship, might need revisiting over time too?
Thank you Ace Dad. I feel like I have been loud and open about my Asexuality around my friends like a shield. If I am obvious and clear and sometimes joking about it no one will misunderstand or approach me not knowing what they are getting into. I know I've had men lose interest in me after coming out because they find sex to be a big part of their relationships. They are still my friends but that attraction was broken down quickly. I'm so glad to see ace people talking about their thoughts and I'm so glad to have found your channel.
Just leaving a comment so YT algoritem will work in your favor :) Also thank you for all the videos and clips, it helps me a lot. Especially for the "surround yourself with the little voice". Majority can be extremely suffocating at times.
Hey there! I appreciate it. Yeah, I think I'm going to be writing a little bit about that analogy and compulsory sexuality. It's one of those things that made even me feel a little better watching it back. lol Thanks for the support!
4.30 onwards made me shed a tear ngl. When I first came out as ace to my allo boyfriend, I felt this huge obligation to apologise to him for it (an obligation coming from myself and societal pressures, not from him), some of which I still feel today. But things have got so much better and we are so genuinely happy together 1 year later, don't give up hope my fellow romantic aces 😊
I feel like knowing yourself can be so tricky sometimes though. It seems that I won't know my attitude to some things until I try them, but then I don't really understand whether I even want to try them in the first place... It's confusing, lol. And thanks for the last part of the video, now I know that I'm not strange for surrounding myself with a lot of things about asexuality (even if some people say otherwise), and I'm not weird for talking about it a lot with those who are willing to listen. I have to do it, because it's the only way to fight "the louder voice." And I'm doing it not only for myself, but also for the other ace folks. Thanks a lot for the encouragement.
We need to remember that “I don’t know” is still knowing something and a valid thing to communicate. And if you can’t decide about something but you’re comfortable seeing how things go if you try, then that is a fine thing to say too. Just be clear w your partner or partners that you might decide you’re not into it after all and need to stop and do something else. (And if you don’t feel comfortable someone would respect that, then imo they’re not someone to have any kind of intimate relationship with. Dying of blue balls is not a thing. They will survive having to stop or change activities.)
Well done, this video is very much needed to bring asexual visibility and you have such a calming voice! I know your voice reminds me of an actor, but I can’t tell of who precisely...
Thank you so much for doing all this! I found out that I am asexual two months or so ago at the age of 29. Very happy I did, a bit sorry I didn‘t know earlier and still figuring everything out - and your videos and writings are super helpful and reassuring.
I’m so glad that you’re finding some positive stuff here. And welcome to the community! We are glad to have you here. If you need support or encouragement, you know where to find me.
Thank you for reminding me of who i am and who I still have a right to be! I´ve known the term asexual since I was seventeen. Now at 29 I have many relationships with allosexuals behind me. This "problem" of mine keeps coming back to me over and over again. I guess I have just listened to that bigger voice of society that says "the desire and excitement will come with the right person" In my current relationship after a year and half, I find myself again avoiding sex, postponing it and I fear that I can´t do it much longer if I want to be true to myself. I just don´t want to lose this person I love.
Have some open and honest conversation. You both deserve a relationship where you both are your truest authentic selves. Be open minded about solutions and work on it together.
Thank you so much for this video, this helped me a lot! I really needed a reminder that I shouldn't lie to myself to pursue a relationship. I am VALID, we all are, and we have the right to be accepted the way we are
Thank you so much. When growing up I never considered to be ace. In my first relationship I realized that sex is somehow not something im confortable with. I struggled a lot with that feeling of not being able to give somoeone the most basic thing in the world. I feel like a broken misfit. When I had my second boyfriend and I told him I might be ace he said that its not normal and i should go to therapy. Even though he never pushed me to anything he still often voiced how bad it makes him feel not sleeping with me. I totally understood but it made everything just so much worse. I endes the realtionship for other reasons but I still think that he was completely right and I was just overreacting. I still hope that one day Im gonna find someone who I really adore and want to be with and want to share physcial intimacy with, without any pressure. I dont want to be alone forever but neither want to always have to push beyond my boundaries
I realized I might be asexual last year and had a little crisis because I thought I wouldn't be able to experience love and relationships, as I'm really hesitant even when it comes to physical affection. I recently started dating and have been super overwhelmed and scared of pushing myself too far. This video brought me to tears as it's been one of the few sources of this "little voice" That I desperately need, to become confident in my boundaries. So thank you so much, for the comfort you bring to ace folks 💚 this was very needed
@@AceDadAdvice our Big Talk wasn't so bad since I had been off and on thinking about it for two years, but figuring out some of the details, the mechanics of it all, has been a challenge
I didn't relate to feeling defective but then why would I shy away from any romantic context in order to not bother other people? Being apologetic about oneself comes in various forms, and thank you for talking about it! Very needed food for thought
Such a great video! I wish I had this when I was younger, and even when I was just starting to figure out my Ace identity a few years ago. Really helpful advice here.
I am a gay man and I just realized that I am ace. I have been intimate with with people but I never liked it. Being ace makes so much sense! Thanks for your info!
Our daughter sent us this video..❤ for the first time we both understood what our daughter goes through and how to navigate that conversation 😔#ProudAceMomandDad ❤❤
Hello, I came out as Ace a few months ago I am heteroromantic asexual who is sex repulsed. I was lucky enough to find a lovely man who knows I am Ace and we care for eachother very much. My questions are will this relationship and possible other relationships be able to last? Will a relationship that I have with someone be able to lead to marriage and would my possible significant other be satisfied?
There are ways for people to navigate all kinds of challenges in relationships and this is one that absolutely can be worked out if both partners are on board. There just has to be a lot of talking and negotiating. But you can do it.
Is it not possible for Asexual people to be in a relationship with someone like themselves? Having a healthy sexual appitate is not the exception to the rule. Many Asexual people do not want or need intimacy, how cruel is it to expect the non Asexual person to be deprived of a fundamental part of their biological makeup for the rest of their life? @@AceDadAdvice
@@67jade maybe we just expect allo folks to a) not come into interactions with asexual folks with stereotypes and misconceptions about asexuality and b) that you can manage yourself and your own needs in a relationship? An asexual person making their needs and boundaries clear isn’t asking you to do anything. So miss me with this “cruelty” thing. Don’t date an ace person. Your problem is solved. But don’t tell ace folks they need to “get with their own kind” basically when there are plenty ace-allo relationships out there working. I’ve got two of them myself.
I've been in a romantic relationship for 16 years, but only figured out that I'm demisexual in the last 5 years and have been especially struggling with this difference between me and my partner recently. We're gonna do our best to understand each other more and more and meet each other's needs. Thank you for the encouragement, and the reminder to not apologize for the way I am. 💗
It can definitely be hard. But it’s worth the work! It can happen. I’ve got some other videos about relationship stuff. And my book had some relationship advice. Keep showing up as your full self! I’m glad you’re here
Thank you for sharing this advice! Especially starting out in a new relationship, this video is crucial for me to figure things out but, more importantly, provided the reassurance I needed. Thank you again, you are fantastic
I just wanted to say thank you for your channel. TLDR: - Only Child, Adopted - Independent family politically but conservative in terms of relationship/marriage/family Long Message: Your videos have been an absolute savior in trying to understand a bit more of my thoughts. Growing up, I thought that something was wrong with me medically. I was a short kid and I had to take HGH to be able to grow to my height I’m at now. In exchange, I needed to take a shot to delay my puberty until a later age than normal. (TMI, sorry) In life (so far), I’ve never had physical attraction to anyone - even child crushes. Despite my parents pointing out that I had a lot of boys/guys/men interested in me, I found myself immediately dodging these interests - with a sort of anxiety spike that accompanied. I thought maybe it was just my nervousness or a previous traumatic experience I was still emotionally recovering from (which I have been majority successful). As I’ve grown older, my parents have started putting on more pressure. They’ve even told me that I’ll be an amazing wife/partner and I should try being in a relationship before doing anything drastic. I.e. You need to dress more feminine You need to settle down in a few years so you don’t die alone I want grandkids before I die. The thing is, I’ve been hesitant to get into any relationship - despite having multiple chances. Perhaps it’s because of my parents’ wishes to provide them grandkids, or worrying that I won’t be able to fulfill my partner’s needs equally as they might be able to fill mine… Perhaps it’s also because of society’s focus on sex in general. I don’t know Am I asexual? Not sure. While I won’t be able to fully understand who I make an effort, I’m grateful for these videos which make me feel like I’m at least not alone.
Lovely vid! I did not figure out was on the spectrum until I was 42, assumed I was just a very picky allo. Still not sure if I'm Ace or Demi, Aro or nah. Tend not to date a lot, tabled the issue for years, basically. Its so nice to explore for myself though now am aware there are others out there like me.
💜👍 Another great vid! On a technical note, on this vid and the how do ace folks experience attraction vid, it sounded like there was a little feedback/static/scratch on the mic? At first I thought it sounded like bracelets, but it's a lighter sound. They're a few months old, so maybe you've already addressed it. So happy to have found your channel!
Wow, what an eye-opener. I am not a-sexual but I'm beginning to think that maybe my partner is. It would explain a lot. I will ask him to watch your videos so we can start to talk about sex in a more insightful way than we have so far. Thank you Ace Dad Advice 😊
The only way for me to get through my early adult years as a married woman, was to get drunk before sex. I had to stay drunk and preferably blackout drunk to have to deal with this idea of this was how life was/is. I got sober, I just want to live my life as authentic as I can be now. I never knew why I didn’t feel safe it’s because I was never able to just live an be. I get to do that now.
i have known i am ace since i was 13, i even came out to a few friends then, they all saw me like i was crazy, i never adressed it again, ive never been in a relationship but i have tried to so many times, and then i cut it off because i just cannot. ive been denying my asexuality so much and im still so embarassed i cant even tell anyone, frankly id rather be anything else. i feel so alone most days. the time ive felt most accepting of my self and able to see some of my self in something was when i found a lesbian community. i felt that we have so much in common and i felt part of a group, i even came out to everyone as a lesbian because it just fit better than straight, but i still i didnt feel like me 100%, i still do wish i was gay so bad but i am not. i am asexual. i am trying so hard to accept it but its just too hard for me, i cant even put it as my sexuality in dating apps for asexual people, cause i dont even want THEM to know. i just would be so happy if i were able to be in love and in a relationship, have someone and feel less alone im still holding on to the hope that i will stop being ace and i know its not going to happen... i dont know how to get help, any time i go to a therapist they tell me i must have some trauma and thats why i think i cant be attracted to people, but i dont have any trauma. my life is calm and happy, im the one who isnt
I am so terribly sorry you feel this way. I hope you are feeling better now. I feel very similar most days. It does feel so completely lonely. I feel like Being part of ANY part of the LGBTQ community does. I deal with my poor mental health about being asexual or maybe Demi sexual on a daily basis. It is by no means easy. But the truth is, we are people with full free will and not meant to all be the same. Having sex for reproduction I guess is natural sure. But not having sex can be just as natural. Or not feeling that attraction. Bc we are not all meant to be cookie cutter copies. And we are fully human. Don’t let ppl tell you you’re crazy or that it’s not natural. We are part of nature still so it’s natural. Boom. We exist. Meeting a few asexual ppl in real life has rly helped me too! I am not totally sure if I am exactly asexual yet by the exact definition. But every time I think about sex it’s something I don’t prefer to do. I experience maybe sensual attraction sometimes I think but feel that’s not my true self. And I am pretty pure hearted. Rly want to be in a relationship with someone asexual. Those therapists should go eat dirt. Find you a therapist that is trained to talk to LGBTQIA about their mental health! Love❤️❤️
I'm in a relationship with someone who is maybe ace, maybe gray-ace, they don't really identify at that, but their sexual desire is very low and they're aware of this and communicated that as well. Thing is, I find it really difficult to deal with it. I fully understand that they are the way they are and of course I'm not forcing anyone to do anything, but for me as a non-ace, I DO have this desire for physical intimacy and it's getting to a point where I'm not sure I can continue with this relationship anymore because my needs are not met and it is affecting me mentally and more and more often I get into a state of "deficiency"... any tips on how to solve this situation? Because I know it's easy to say I just have to accept it that way, it seems like the obvious solution. I am trying to accept it for several months now, but it creates an unmet need on my side in our relationship... which is a real bummer because as a person I love this human very much and I'd really like to make it work... I just don't know how... any advice would be highly appreciated
how do you define what romantic attraction is? I've tried searching it up and asking people but I just become more confused. I don't know if you already have a video about this since I've only just recently started watching your videos. anyway your ideas has really helped me come accept and understand that I'm ace.
found this video because just realized i’m assexual, and i want a relationship but it just seems like i’ll never find someone who wants to be in relationship with me without having sex
Fun fact: Being asexual and have a girlfriend in prison for life....is working quite well for me actually. She's tottally supportive and understands me. Even told me if I do get the urge (once a blood new moon in the year of the dragon), I could have a side girl for sexual needs if I really needed bc obviously she will never be able to. Ever. We went full hard open communication from the start, I talked to her for a few months, and I just grew this intense emotional connection as she did also. so any asexual lonely bois out there, maybe try penpalling a girl. If you can get past the crime they committed and all that and get to know them, you never know. I did not penpall these girls with any intention of a relationship. But the one I could tell was having feelings, I came out to her (also the first person I came out to), then it went from there. This is all very recent. just sucks that unless we get married, our visits will be behind glass :( that's the worse part of it all i think not being able to touch her.
I feel like the knowing yourself first part is kind of a catch 22? I've known I was on the ace spectrum since I was a teenager but I'm only recently questioning if I want a relationship, and I haven't tried one before. So I don't know exactly what I would or wouldn't be comfortable with. I don't know where the line is to establish it off the bat. But I don't think I could know without being in a relationship. So I couldn't go into a relationship saying, "here's what I'm comfortable with and here's what I'm not." But I'm also in my 30s, so...
But you can. The great thing about relationship “contracts” is that they’re a living thing. You can articulate what you think you want and if it’s not, you can go back to the table and say “this is not working let’s reconsider.” It’s important to think of these as ongoing negotiations. It’s not one and done. Relationships are living things.
I'm just finding out I'm ace 2 years into a allosexual relationship with someone whos hypersexual. I'm trying to set boundaries but its hard when I don't really know what I want. It also doesn't seem fair for me to make my partner randomly stop doing sexual stuff with me since I know they value that a lot. I don't know what to do. We both want completely different things, but neither of us a willing to part ways. Anyone have any tips? Some how?
Suggesting that people, who want a sex life with someome who shares their sexual interests and therefore do not want a asexual partner, "lack that empathy" and aren't willing to "see you as a full human being" sounds ridiculous, judgy, and degrading. Sexual people who want a mutually sexual relationship should have their desires valued and not talked down upon as equally as asexual people.
This is a hard topic for me, because of the expectation to have sex in a relationship. First of all, i'm a virgin and i don't wanna lose my virginity too soon,maybe like in 10 years. Second, even when i lose it, i know i'm ace, i won't wanna do it as often as allos. (i can live without it) How will my partner deal with that? I'm afraid of not being loved or being cheated on😢 You make me feel so valid, and hopeful. I took a lot of notes. Thank you so much💜🖤🙏 Btw,is your husband also ace?Or an allo? (That's cute anyway,whenever i see asexuals dating i feel so happy!!)
My husband is allo. (I started a series on ace/allo relationships). It takes a lot of conversation and a lot of work. But it can happen! While it may be a little harder to find “the one,” it’s not impossible. Staying strong in your understanding of yourself, being willing to communicate A LOT, and being patient with yourself and others will make the journey a little easier.
My love is ace. I love her to death, but since shes discovered it i feel like shit. And i feel worse because this shit isnt about me, its about her and its harder for her too because shes borderline. Between feelin like shit and untouchable, i dont know how to proceed. I dont want to break up, shes my love... But i crave intimacy and physical touch. Its hard. I wanna touch her but i cant, i wanna see her everyday but i cant. I think theres someone else whos better for her, i wanna fade away. Be mindless, emotioneless.
Do you believe that the social constructs of (in my opinion) hyper-sexualisation - MSM, social media, marketing etc. - should be dialled back or dial up ACE (people, community, etc.) in the current social constructs? Hugs and respect to you - epic channel btw.
I need to make a video about this. I have a ton of thoughts about hypersexualization. In short tho: just greater ace rep. I’m a very sex-positive person. Lots of sex or no sex - if it’s consensual, then I’m happy for it to exist. There should be no moral good or bad on any degree of sexual behavior if it’s safe, between adults and consensual.
Man I don’t know if I’m ace, I literally can’t do aanything like that with anyone because it’s so strange and gross to me. But like I wish I could be in a relationship with someone
What’s the difference between “sexual identity” and “sexual orientation”? It seems these are used interchangeably but is anyone else bothered by when they call it “sexual identity”? My sexuality is not my identity and I don’t want it to be. There is more to me than that. However, I understand when people say “orientation” because it describes sexual behavior and preferences but it’s not making it to be their whole identity,
Question: can you know if your asexual if you've never had sex? I guess it's the whole "don't knock it til you try it" sort of thing. That's what some people think I guess.
@@AceDadAdvice I guess I'm thinking of it like how do you know you want or don't want (have attraction to) something if you don't have experience with it. If you've never tasted a foreign candy you won't have a desire for it, but that doesn't mean you won't have the desire for it after you taste it, or that you will have the desire for it. Long story short, wouldn't your relationship to sexual attraction change in some way depending on your experience with sex?
I guess that's part of the changing identity you talk about in this video and the difference between identity and behavior in other videos. videos,th-cam.com/video/pyKi7N2NZYM/w-d-xo.html You could be asexual, have sex, then find your allosexual. Tell me if I'm understanding wrong I guess.
@@slyfox9887 AIUI allosexual people don’t need to have sex to start being interested in it. They have some degree of interest in sexual stuff just automatically even if they don’t know enough to have specific preferences about activities. That said, there’s a massive range for asexuality, and some asexuals do indeed enjoy sex in and of itself. Others aren’t super into sex but enjoy other aspects of it like how their partner feels, etc. So if you’re asexual with no experience at all, you may well find that your understanding of YOUR relationship with sex changes as you try different things, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not asexual? Plus stuff like demisexuality come under the ace umbrella, which means you can feel asexual not up until you have sex, but rather up until you have a relationship with someone that meets your needs for WANTING to have sex with them, at which point your relationship towards sex might be much closer to someone allosexual, but just for sex stuff with that particular person. (That’s how my one friend is - he’s pretty much ‘meh’ about sex with random people, but in the right relationships it’s like his ‘sex’ switch turns on.)
@@slyfox9887from what I'm learning, sexuality and being drawn to something specific is more like being thirsty or hungry than it is craving a specific food. Basically it sounds like it's an instinct that is weaker in some people and probably helps foster monogamy when it's not too excessively weak.
As one expresses themselves, one must also be aware of the feeling their partner may be feeling, and work with them to see that it is not something they did or do. ( make sure there are plenty of Kleenex on hand!)
I actually teared up at “you don’t have to apologize for your boundaries”. I’ve been in a lot of situations I’d rather not have been in and while I know that setting boundaries and standing up for myself isn’t something that’s easy for me to do: hearing you tell me that I don’t have to be sorry for not being what my partner expects or wants me to be made me realize how deep that mindset actually goes in my brain and that it’s not okay to keep it that way. Thank you.
I'm glad it was helpful. And glad you're here.
Why is your partner still with you if you are not what s/he wants or expects?
@@Merzui-kg8ds they aren’t. I broke up with them because I couldn’t be the person they wanted.
@@gwennygrausamt leaving a relationship because feeling guilty about not being able to be what somebody wants is incredibly relatable. I'm trying to remind myself that I cannot dictate what they want and I should not be cutting it off I should be letting them cut it off. It doesn't make it any easier though.
Me and my girlfriend had a conversation the other day about intimacy and she came out to me as ace. I’ve been watching ace content to have a better understanding and we’ve had a conversation about boundaries and what it means to her to be asexual. For those who are in a relationship with someone who is ace as a non-ace person, it’s key to have these conversations. Also, I recommend reading Loveless, a book about a girl discovering and coming to terms with her asexuality and with her being aromatic. It gives you a lot of insight and understanding into the ace community and perspective!
Good advice!
How does a non-ace person have a relationship with an ace person?
Wonderful. How is it going? Any improvements in the intimacy/sex life?
How not?@@Merzui-kg8ds
Always good to see more ace content on youtube. Just commenting to help the algorithm and thank you for the advice.
Thanks for being here and supporting!
Bumping this up to fight the algorithm!
I found this channel by going to Twitter and searching the #Asexual feeds. I did that because I feel alone in a world of people that want sex in a relationship while I do not. I have not been in a relationship for over a decade because of it. Came here to get words of encouragement from like minded people. Glad to see there is an outlet for people like me. Thank you.
I am so glad to hear this was helpful. And I’m glad you’re here! Anytime you need encouragement, you know where to find me.
i wish you luck with finding someone who fits your personal preferences and needs.
It feels so nice to get this type of advice from somebody older than me. I didn’t know I was ace until after I became an adult and I’m so happy there’s someone like you, with real life experience, reaching out to help young aces.
That’s very kind. Thank you! Glad you’re here.
❤I've been Asexual my whole life - I want absolutely No Part of Sex. I am a former Professional High Fashion Model and a former Professional NFL Cheerleader - One guy told me that I was too pretty to be Asexual , ( As if to say only unattractive people should be Asexual - " IT'S NOT A CHOICE " ) . . . . I thought I was totally alone in this world !!! I've never met another Asexual , I guess that's because only 1% of people are Asexual - ( What are the odds that I would meet another Asexual in my lifetime ) - and if I did , would he be someone I am attracted to ??? I don't worry about it anymore . . . . " IT IS WHAT IT IS " . . . . I Just - " DO ME " !!! ❤
Differenciating the Loud voices and the Little voices- thats such a great way of conceptualizing it in a more grounding way that I really needed to hear. Im so happy you're making these videos, they help my anxiety so much. 💙
I’m going to make a video more specifically about compulsory sexuality and the other loud voices. It’s a way of thinking that helps me a lot. I’m glad it works for you too. And thank you for supporting the channel!
I feel like this could be a series.
Don’t just make one, have common Q&A !
That's the plan! Mixed in with some other cool things, I hope.
I had the “no/limited sex” conversation with this guy at the very beginning to make sure this was something I wanted to pursue. He reassured me that was fine and that sex shouldn’t be a priority in our relationship and it’s ok.
5 months later and it’s been a couple months with no sex and he tells me we never had that conversation 😥
I hate it when that happens. It's so painful to think they aren't really in it for you but just for the sex, no matter what they say in the beginning.
I’ve been there too. Just know you’re not alone and that there’s someone out there who will respect you ❤
This is a common trend in dating men in general. Their parents failed us! lol
Well your partner was in the wrong for claiming this wasn't a problem for him when it infact was. But generally you should know that for allosexual people sex is sometimes a need, not just a want - so romantic relationships sometimes ar enot possible, depending on how high the allosexual's labido is, and if you are fine with your partner getting sexual satifaction from other sources (like FWB or hook-ups). Asking someone who is allosexual to never have sex again to be with someone is just as bad and invalidating as asking an asexual person to suck it up and let their partner have sex. Both atiitudes are toxic and should be avoided. Some people are just not compatible with eachother
PLEASE tell me you dropped him.
Thank you so much for doing this.🥺💜 Those were literally the kind of words I needed to hear throughout this journey of discovering and embracing my asexuality. Here in Mexico, at least, that loud voice (compulsory sexuality) is not only acephobic but also extremely misogynist... I'm taking your advice and I'm starting to focus on our safe, loving and caring spaces such as this channel.
Abrazo!
This is such a lovely thing to read. And I'm glad you're embracing who you are and living fully! Happy to have you here!!
Here it’s also seen as something very wrong if you’re not in a relationship (especially when you’re supposedly pretty so why don’t you have a man? Also kids, obviously) even though same sex relationships are more accepted the idea of being 30 and single is just shock, horror, that’s so abnormal 😱 and there are even derogatory terms that date from way way back to older women that live alone (proof that ace people have always been around, yet still shunned)
As an ace person in their late thirties who recently got in a relationship after a very long time (and it's my first relationship where I know I'm ace), this channel has been very helpful. I didn't particularly have this fear specifically bc I was for years very content not being in a relationship but the loud voice of compulsory sexuality is such a familiar feeling which I didn't have words for before this video. It's so gratifying to have words for things and it's so important. Thank you!
My pleasure. I agree. It’s so important to have a language for your experience. And that’s why I’m doing the work
I’m doing. I’m glad it’s helpful. Thanks for being here and being you!
Around 20-22 years of age, I always felt like I fell on the ace spectrum. Now at 25, after reflecting on all my past relationships, I’ve finally realized that I’m very much asexual lol. I’ve realized sex has never done anything for me in terms of pleasure and I just wanted to please my partners. In my last relationship, we would go extremely long periods without sex, and I would only have sex out of guilt because I felt like I was depriving my partner. Sex was always just something I went along with because it’s widely expected in most romantic relationships. Despite that, it always made me uncomfortable how “sex-obsessed” society was..Plus I was never good at discussing boundaries, which I now know is extremely unhealthy.
I still have a lot to learn about asexuality but thank you for making videos like this ✨
Nice video! Lots of good advice both for asexual folx and for people in general. Not apologizing for what one wants or needs out of a relationship is so important. Repeatedly apologizing can create a dynamic where one might feel less than their partner(s), which can cause long term effects on self-worth in and out of the relationship.
Exactly.
Thank you for this awesome advice. Honestly I am not sure if I am asexual or that I have no libido due to medication or trauma. But hearing people say it is okay to not have sexual attraction to others is so nice and relieving to hear! I am so confused when it comes to my sexuality but I feel good accepting that right now I feel completely ace and that it is okay no matter if sexual feelings will or will not come in the future.
Wow. This advice is so important and I needed to hear some of these comments without even realising it before I started watching this video. Really great video! Saving for future reminders! Thank you
Thank you for watching and for the support!
Thank you for all this videos, my last relationship ended with her telling me that I would die alone because I didn't know how to love someone, I don't blame her because as you say communication is important and back then i didn't even know i was ace so i couldn't talk to her about it
That’s a terrible thing to say to anyone. And I hope you know that what she said isn’t true. There is absolutely a future out there for ace folks.
@@AceDadAdvice now that I know myself and have seen examples like yours, I feel more comfortable thanks a lot 💜
This is so beautiful and helpful! Years ago, I dated a man who is demi-sexual, and I had never heard the word, but thought it might apply to me too. At least at that age. As a younger person, I'd been quite interested in sex (although not active due to personal beliefs). Now as I've gotten older, I have less "desire", almost none, partly due to physical changes, so I think I am probably ace now. I didn't know I could change in that way. I just found your channel - do you have any videos about people changing over a lifetime, for whatever reasons? And how those conversations in a relationship, might need revisiting over time too?
Thank you Ace Dad. I feel like I have been loud and open about my Asexuality around my friends like a shield. If I am obvious and clear and sometimes joking about it no one will misunderstand or approach me not knowing what they are getting into. I know I've had men lose interest in me after coming out because they find sex to be a big part of their relationships. They are still my friends but that attraction was broken down quickly. I'm so glad to see ace people talking about their thoughts and I'm so glad to have found your channel.
Thank you for the kind words and I’m glad you’re here!
Recently discovered this channel and honestly it's so great to be validated and given hope that I may find someone. Literally almost cried at 5:27
Aw thank you. That’s very kind.
Thank you for the video! I always get worried I’ll never find someone who just wants a romantic relationship, but I feel better about it now!
I’m glad! Might have to go through some crappy folks first. But it’s possible!
Just leaving a comment so YT algoritem will work in your favor :)
Also thank you for all the videos and clips, it helps me a lot. Especially for the "surround yourself with the little voice". Majority can be extremely suffocating at times.
Hey there! I appreciate it.
Yeah, I think I'm going to be writing a little bit about that analogy and compulsory sexuality. It's one of those things that made even me feel a little better watching it back. lol
Thanks for the support!
4.30 onwards made me shed a tear ngl. When I first came out as ace to my allo boyfriend, I felt this huge obligation to apologise to him for it (an obligation coming from myself and societal pressures, not from him), some of which I still feel today. But things have got so much better and we are so genuinely happy together 1 year later, don't give up hope my fellow romantic aces 😊
YES that’s wonderful. I am very happy for you!!!
@@AceDadAdvice thank you so much!! loving your channel, keep up the amazing work
the last segment was very heartwarming c:
Aw thanks!
I feel like knowing yourself can be so tricky sometimes though. It seems that I won't know my attitude to some things until I try them, but then I don't really understand whether I even want to try them in the first place... It's confusing, lol. And thanks for the last part of the video, now I know that I'm not strange for surrounding myself with a lot of things about asexuality (even if some people say otherwise), and I'm not weird for talking about it a lot with those who are willing to listen. I have to do it, because it's the only way to fight "the louder voice." And I'm doing it not only for myself, but also for the other ace folks. Thanks a lot for the encouragement.
I’m glad this was helpful and I am glad you’re here. :)
We need to remember that “I don’t know” is still knowing something and a valid thing to communicate. And if you can’t decide about something but you’re comfortable seeing how things go if you try, then that is a fine thing to say too. Just be clear w your partner or partners that you might decide you’re not into it after all and need to stop and do something else. (And if you don’t feel comfortable someone would respect that, then imo they’re not someone to have any kind of intimate relationship with. Dying of blue balls is not a thing. They will survive having to stop or change activities.)
This video was like a hug. I feel heard, loved and respected after watching this. Thank you, Ace Dad.
I’m glad you’re here.
Well done, this video is very much needed to bring asexual visibility and you have such a calming voice! I know your voice reminds me of an actor, but I can’t tell of who precisely...
Thank you! In another life I trained as a actor. Putting those skills to use again :)
@@AceDadAdvice I’m not asexual, but I’ll stick around because I love to listen to you!
Thank you so much for doing all this! I found out that I am asexual two months or so ago at the age of 29. Very happy I did, a bit sorry I didn‘t know earlier and still figuring everything out - and your videos and writings are super helpful and reassuring.
I’m so glad that you’re finding some positive stuff here. And welcome to the community! We are glad to have you here. If you need support or encouragement, you know where to find me.
Thank you for reminding me of who i am and who I still have a right to be! I´ve known the term asexual since I was seventeen. Now at 29 I have many relationships with allosexuals behind me. This "problem" of mine keeps coming back to me over and over again.
I guess I have just listened to that bigger voice of society that says "the desire and excitement will come with the right person"
In my current relationship after a year and half, I find myself again avoiding sex, postponing it and I fear that I can´t do it much longer if I want to be true to myself. I just don´t want to lose this person I love.
Have some open and honest conversation. You both deserve a relationship where you both are your truest authentic selves. Be open minded about solutions and work on it together.
Thank you so much for this video, this helped me a lot! I really needed a reminder that I shouldn't lie to myself to pursue a relationship. I am VALID, we all are, and we have the right to be accepted the way we are
Thank you so much. When growing up I never considered to be ace. In my first relationship I realized that sex is somehow not something im confortable with. I struggled a lot with that feeling of not being able to give somoeone the most basic thing in the world. I feel like a broken misfit. When I had my second boyfriend and I told him I might be ace he said that its not normal and i should go to therapy. Even though he never pushed me to anything he still often voiced how bad it makes him feel not sleeping with me. I totally understood but it made everything just so much worse. I endes the realtionship for other reasons but I still think that he was completely right and I was just overreacting. I still hope that one day Im gonna find someone who I really adore and want to be with and want to share physcial intimacy with, without any pressure. I dont want to be alone forever but neither want to always have to push beyond my boundaries
I was in such an insecure space until I came across this video. You have no idea how grateful I am for this video. Thanks a ton.
My pleasure. I’m glad you’re here!
I realized I might be asexual last year and had a little crisis because I thought I wouldn't be able to experience love and relationships, as I'm really hesitant even when it comes to physical affection. I recently started dating and have been super overwhelmed and scared of pushing myself too far. This video brought me to tears as it's been one of the few sources of this "little voice" That I desperately need, to become confident in my boundaries. So thank you so much, for the comfort you bring to ace folks 💚 this was very needed
Oh man, I wish I had practiced some of those conversations with friends before having it with my partner, that is excellent advice
It helped me a ton. Especially in figuring out exactly how to articulate some of the harder stuff. I didn’t stumble over it in “The Big Talk”
@@AceDadAdvice our Big Talk wasn't so bad since I had been off and on thinking about it for two years, but figuring out some of the details, the mechanics of it all, has been a challenge
You are so well-spoken and a great speaker. Thanks for sharing your perspective and advice on this topic!
Thanks for being here!
I was crying because I was scared that I could never have a relationship, but this made me feel better. Thanks dad.
My pleasure. We are not limited
I didn't relate to feeling defective but then why would I shy away from any romantic context in order to not bother other people? Being apologetic about oneself comes in various forms, and thank you for talking about it! Very needed food for thought
Such a great video! I wish I had this when I was younger, and even when I was just starting to figure out my Ace identity a few years ago. Really helpful advice here.
Thank you! and Same. If I'd have had this accessible to me when I was in my early 20s, I'd have had a very different adult experience.
I didn’t expect to cry through the whole thing, but here I am! Thank you so much for helping me feel valid and valued again 💜
You're so welcome! I’m glad you’re here.
I am a gay man and I just realized that I am ace. I have been intimate with with people but I never liked it. Being ace makes so much sense! Thanks for your info!
Our daughter sent us this video..❤ for the first time we both understood what our daughter goes through and how to navigate that conversation 😔#ProudAceMomandDad ❤❤
I would just like to say that this makes my entire day. I’m so happy to be helpful for you all to better understand and support each other!
THIS Is the video I've been looking for. Thank you.
Cody, those videos are so important! Thank u so much! 💜🥺
Thank you for the support!! More forthcoming.
I’ve really enjoyed you on Twitter. I love seeing the longer form videos on TH-cam
Thank you so much! I like having more time to actually get a thought out. Plus it’s fun learning the format. Thank you for your support!
Thank you for such empathy you show in your videos. I appreciate it.
Thank you for these videos. Definitely makes me feel better and much more valid. ❤
Where was this video when I was a teenager? 😭 Thank you for sharing this message! ❤️
Hello, I came out as Ace a few months ago I am heteroromantic asexual who is sex repulsed. I was lucky enough to find a lovely man who knows I am Ace and we care for eachother very much. My questions are will this relationship and possible other relationships be able to last? Will a relationship that I have with someone be able to lead to marriage and would my possible significant other be satisfied?
There are ways for people to navigate all kinds of challenges in relationships and this is one that absolutely can be worked out if both partners are on board. There just has to be a lot of talking and negotiating. But you can do it.
Is it not possible for Asexual people to be in a relationship with someone like themselves? Having a healthy sexual appitate is not the exception to the rule. Many Asexual people do not want or need intimacy, how cruel is it to expect the non Asexual person to be deprived of a fundamental part of their biological makeup for the rest of their life? @@AceDadAdvice
@@67jade maybe we just expect allo folks to a) not come into interactions with asexual folks with stereotypes and misconceptions about asexuality and b) that you can manage yourself and your own needs in a relationship?
An asexual person making their needs and boundaries clear isn’t asking you to do anything. So miss me with this “cruelty” thing. Don’t date an ace person. Your problem is solved. But don’t tell ace folks they need to “get with their own kind” basically when there are plenty ace-allo relationships out there working. I’ve got two of them myself.
THANK YOU!!! Your words are helping me heal and understand myself so much better!!
💜💜💜
Thank you, Ace Dad 🥺
My pleasure 💜
Fantastic video, thank you for doing this. Love the format and the advice is *chef's kiss* brilliant.
Much love and thank you!
I've been in a romantic relationship for 16 years, but only figured out that I'm demisexual in the last 5 years and have been especially struggling with this difference between me and my partner recently. We're gonna do our best to understand each other more and more and meet each other's needs. Thank you for the encouragement, and the reminder to not apologize for the way I am. 💗
It can definitely be hard. But it’s worth the work! It can happen. I’ve got some other videos about relationship stuff. And my book had some relationship advice. Keep showing up as your full self! I’m glad you’re here
Thank you so much for posting these.
Thank you for supporting them!
I love your beard!!!!!
Thank you kindly friend!
very beautiful said your words give me more hope not to feel bad about being ace
Thank you. And I’m glad you’re here and finding this useful.
Thank you for sharing this advice! Especially starting out in a new relationship, this video is crucial for me to figure things out but, more importantly, provided the reassurance I needed. Thank you again, you are fantastic
I just wanted to say thank you for your channel.
TLDR:
- Only Child, Adopted
- Independent family politically but conservative in terms of relationship/marriage/family
Long Message:
Your videos have been an absolute savior in trying to understand a bit more of my thoughts. Growing up, I thought that something was wrong with me medically. I was a short kid and I had to take HGH to be able to grow to my height I’m at now. In exchange, I needed to take a shot to delay my puberty until a later age than normal. (TMI, sorry)
In life (so far), I’ve never had physical attraction to anyone - even child crushes. Despite my parents pointing out that I had a lot of boys/guys/men interested in me, I found myself immediately dodging these interests - with a sort of anxiety spike that accompanied. I thought maybe it was just my nervousness or a previous traumatic experience I was still emotionally recovering from (which I have been majority successful).
As I’ve grown older, my parents have started putting on more pressure. They’ve even told me that I’ll be an amazing wife/partner and I should try being in a relationship before doing anything drastic.
I.e.
You need to dress more feminine
You need to settle down in a few years so you don’t die alone
I want grandkids before I die.
The thing is, I’ve been hesitant to get into any relationship - despite having multiple chances. Perhaps it’s because of my parents’ wishes to provide them grandkids, or worrying that I won’t be able to fulfill my partner’s needs equally as they might be able to fill mine…
Perhaps it’s also because of society’s focus on sex in general. I don’t know
Am I asexual? Not sure. While I won’t be able to fully understand who I make an effort, I’m grateful for these videos which make me feel like I’m at least not alone.
Thanks for sharing this and thank you for being here. I’m glad you are :)
I loved this video. Thank you so much for the advice. We need more wesome content like this in the future!!
More will be coming. And thank you for supporting and thank you for being you!
Thanks so much for creating this channel 💗
My pleasure. Glad you’re here.
Your advice is so valid and sound it can be applied spectrum wide.
It can!
Loved this, it’s also just really great general life advice! X
Thanks for watching! And yeah, it's pretty handy stuff for most everyone. Ace Dad is good for all. lol
Absolutely I was thinking this can apply to so many areas of my life!!!
Thank you for your video, creating this channel and to be one of my first small voice
my pleasure!
Lovely vid! I did not figure out was on the spectrum until I was 42, assumed I was just a very picky allo. Still not sure if I'm Ace or Demi, Aro or nah. Tend not to date a lot, tabled the issue for years, basically. Its so nice to explore for myself though now am aware there are others out there like me.
This is so healing. Thank you for existing. Also, can I adopt you as my dad
💜👍 Another great vid! On a technical note, on this vid and the how do ace folks experience attraction vid, it sounded like there was a little feedback/static/scratch on the mic? At first I thought it sounded like bracelets, but it's a lighter sound. They're a few months old, so maybe you've already addressed it. So happy to have found your channel!
Yeah I was still figuring things out. I mean I STILL am figuring things out but I think things are getting better lol
Wow, what an eye-opener. I am not a-sexual but I'm beginning to think that maybe my partner is. It would explain a lot.
I will ask him to watch your videos so we can start to talk about sex in a more insightful way than we have so far. Thank you Ace Dad Advice 😊
That’s the way to do it
This was so touching!! Thank you so much :')
You're so welcome!
The only way for me to get through my early adult years as a married woman, was to get drunk before sex. I had to stay drunk and preferably blackout drunk to have to deal with this idea of this was how life was/is. I got sober, I just want to live my life as authentic as I can be now. I never knew why I didn’t feel safe it’s because I was never able to just live an be. I get to do that now.
This has been so helpful, thank you
i have known i am ace since i was 13, i even came out to a few friends then, they all saw me like i was crazy, i never adressed it again, ive never been in a relationship but i have tried to so many times, and then i cut it off because i just cannot. ive been denying my asexuality so much and im still so embarassed i cant even tell anyone, frankly id rather be anything else. i feel so alone most days. the time ive felt most accepting of my self and able to see some of my self in something was when i found a lesbian community. i felt that we have so much in common and i felt part of a group, i even came out to everyone as a lesbian because it just fit better than straight, but i still i didnt feel like me 100%, i still do wish i was gay so bad but i am not. i am asexual. i am trying so hard to accept it but its just too hard for me, i cant even put it as my sexuality in dating apps for asexual people, cause i dont even want THEM to know. i just would be so happy if i were able to be in love and in a relationship, have someone and feel less alone im still holding on to the hope that i will stop being ace and i know its not going to happen... i dont know how to get help, any time i go to a therapist they tell me i must have some trauma and thats why i think i cant be attracted to people, but i dont have any trauma. my life is calm and happy, im the one who isnt
I am so terribly sorry you feel this way. I hope you are feeling better now. I feel very similar most days. It does feel so completely lonely. I feel like Being part of ANY part of the LGBTQ community does. I deal with my poor mental health about being asexual or maybe Demi sexual on a daily basis. It is by no means easy. But the truth is, we are people with full free will and not meant to all be the same. Having sex for reproduction I guess is natural sure. But not having sex can be just as natural. Or not feeling that attraction. Bc we are not all meant to be cookie cutter copies. And we are fully human. Don’t let ppl tell you you’re crazy or that it’s not natural. We are part of nature still so it’s natural. Boom. We exist. Meeting a few asexual ppl in real life has rly helped me too! I am not totally sure if I am exactly asexual yet by the exact definition. But every time I think about sex it’s something I don’t prefer to do. I experience maybe sensual attraction sometimes I think but feel that’s not my true self. And I am pretty pure hearted. Rly want to be in a relationship with someone asexual. Those therapists should go eat dirt. Find you a therapist that is trained to talk to LGBTQIA about their mental health! Love❤️❤️
Glad to see asexual stuff on youtube...just like the other guy. Keep it up.
Thanks
I'm in a relationship with someone who is maybe ace, maybe gray-ace, they don't really identify at that, but their sexual desire is very low and they're aware of this and communicated that as well.
Thing is, I find it really difficult to deal with it. I fully understand that they are the way they are and of course I'm not forcing anyone to do anything, but for me as a non-ace, I DO have this desire for physical intimacy and it's getting to a point where I'm not sure I can continue with this relationship anymore because my needs are not met and it is affecting me mentally and more and more often I get into a state of "deficiency"... any tips on how to solve this situation? Because I know it's easy to say I just have to accept it that way, it seems like the obvious solution. I am trying to accept it for several months now, but it creates an unmet need on my side in our relationship... which is a real bummer because as a person I love this human very much and I'd really like to make it work... I just don't know how... any advice would be highly appreciated
Thanks so much for reminding me that I don't have to apologise for being ace
You never do.
i wish i was that confident about it... i just hate who i am, it is just really hard to accept myself when i'm so different
Glad this content exists
I’m glad you’re here.
how do you define what romantic attraction is? I've tried searching it up and asking people but I just become more confused. I don't know if you already have a video about this since I've only just recently started watching your videos. anyway your ideas has really helped me come accept and understand that I'm ace.
I’m working on a video about attraction! So keep an eye out.
@@AceDadAdvice ok, looking forward to it!
found this video because just realized i’m assexual, and i want a relationship but it just seems like i’ll never find someone who wants to be in relationship with me without having sex
Fun fact: Being asexual and have a girlfriend in prison for life....is working quite well for me actually. She's tottally supportive and understands me. Even told me if I do get the urge (once a blood new moon in the year of the dragon), I could have a side girl for sexual needs if I really needed bc obviously she will never be able to. Ever. We went full hard open communication from the start, I talked to her for a few months, and I just grew this intense emotional connection as she did also.
so any asexual lonely bois out there, maybe try penpalling a girl. If you can get past the crime they committed and all that and get to know them, you never know. I did not penpall these girls with any intention of a relationship. But the one I could tell was having feelings, I came out to her (also the first person I came out to), then it went from there.
This is all very recent. just sucks that unless we get married, our visits will be behind glass :( that's the worse part of it all i think not being able to touch her.
I feel like the knowing yourself first part is kind of a catch 22? I've known I was on the ace spectrum since I was a teenager but I'm only recently questioning if I want a relationship, and I haven't tried one before. So I don't know exactly what I would or wouldn't be comfortable with. I don't know where the line is to establish it off the bat. But I don't think I could know without being in a relationship. So I couldn't go into a relationship saying, "here's what I'm comfortable with and here's what I'm not." But I'm also in my 30s, so...
But you can. The great thing about relationship “contracts” is that they’re a living thing. You can articulate what you think you want and if it’s not, you can go back to the table and say “this is not working let’s reconsider.” It’s important to think of these as ongoing negotiations. It’s not one and done. Relationships are living things.
@@AceDadAdvice I guess I just mean, I don't know where to start. But that's not something I need to worry about yet I guess
this video was so wholesome 😭 thanks
My pleasure. Glad you’re here.
Thanks this was really validating.
I'm just finding out I'm ace 2 years into a allosexual relationship with someone whos hypersexual. I'm trying to set boundaries but its hard when I don't really know what I want. It also doesn't seem fair for me to make my partner randomly stop doing sexual stuff with me since I know they value that a lot. I don't know what to do. We both want completely different things, but neither of us a willing to part ways.
Anyone have any tips? Some how?
Thank you!
Such good advice ❤
Thank you for this!
Glad you’re here
Aces need a chatroom. Is there any cool chatroom out there ?
I dont know if i’m demi, gray or asexual. What is the best dating sites and apps for me? 🙏
✿ finding other heterosexual asexuals in atlanta seems to be IMPOSSIBLE!!!.....
where do we meet each other???🥝
Suggesting that people, who want a sex life with someome who shares their sexual interests and therefore do not want a asexual partner, "lack that empathy" and aren't willing to "see you as a full human being" sounds ridiculous, judgy, and degrading. Sexual people who want a mutually sexual relationship should have their desires valued and not talked down upon as equally as asexual people.
This is a hard topic for me, because of the expectation to have sex in a relationship.
First of all, i'm a virgin and i don't wanna lose my virginity too soon,maybe like in 10 years.
Second, even when i lose it, i know i'm ace, i won't wanna do it as often as allos. (i can live without it)
How will my partner deal with that? I'm afraid of not being loved or being cheated on😢
You make me feel so valid, and hopeful. I took a lot of notes. Thank you so much💜🖤🙏
Btw,is your husband also ace?Or an allo? (That's cute anyway,whenever i see asexuals dating i feel so happy!!)
My husband is allo. (I started a series on ace/allo relationships). It takes a lot of conversation and a lot of work. But it can happen!
While it may be a little harder to find “the one,” it’s not impossible. Staying strong in your understanding of yourself, being willing to communicate A LOT, and being patient with yourself and others will make the journey a little easier.
(And thanks for being here! I’m glad you are)
Great channel wow
Thank you!
I love you ace dad.
My love is ace. I love her to death, but since shes discovered it i feel like shit. And i feel worse because this shit isnt about me, its about her and its harder for her too because shes borderline. Between feelin like shit and untouchable, i dont know how to proceed. I dont want to break up, shes my love... But i crave intimacy and physical touch. Its hard. I wanna touch her but i cant, i wanna see her everyday but i cant. I think theres someone else whos better for her, i wanna fade away. Be mindless, emotioneless.
Do you believe that the social constructs of (in my opinion) hyper-sexualisation - MSM, social media, marketing etc. - should be dialled back or dial up ACE (people, community, etc.) in the current social constructs? Hugs and respect to you - epic channel btw.
I need to make a video about this. I have a ton of thoughts about hypersexualization. In short tho: just greater ace rep. I’m a very sex-positive person. Lots of sex or no sex - if it’s consensual, then I’m happy for it to exist. There should be no moral good or bad on any degree of sexual behavior if it’s safe, between adults and consensual.
And thanks for supporting the channel!
Who do you think is more stigmatized for their asexuality- straight ace guys or gay ace guys?
I don’t know that I’d think of it as being more or less stigmatized as I’d think of it as differently stigmatized.
Man I don’t know if I’m ace, I literally can’t do aanything like that with anyone because it’s so strange and gross to me. But like I wish I could be in a relationship with someone
w o w okay 🥺 thank u
What’s the difference between “sexual identity” and “sexual orientation”? It seems these are used interchangeably but is anyone else bothered by when they call it “sexual identity”? My sexuality is not my identity and I don’t want it to be. There is more to me than that. However, I understand when people say “orientation” because it describes sexual behavior and preferences but it’s not making it to be their whole identity,
Thank you for the video ♥️💜
Thank YOU for being here.
Question: can you know if your asexual if you've never had sex?
I guess it's the whole "don't knock it til you try it" sort of thing. That's what some people think I guess.
Sure. Asexuality is about a relationship to sexual attraction, not behavior. So you can know you’re ace without having sex
@@AceDadAdvice I guess I'm thinking of it like how do you know you want or don't want (have attraction to) something if you don't have experience with it. If you've never tasted a foreign candy you won't have a desire for it, but that doesn't mean you won't have the desire for it after you taste it, or that you will have the desire for it.
Long story short, wouldn't your relationship to sexual attraction change in some way depending on your experience with sex?
I guess that's part of the changing identity you talk about in this video and the difference between identity and behavior in other videos. videos,th-cam.com/video/pyKi7N2NZYM/w-d-xo.html
You could be asexual, have sex, then find your allosexual. Tell me if I'm understanding wrong I guess.
@@slyfox9887 AIUI allosexual people don’t need to have sex to start being interested in it. They have some degree of interest in sexual stuff just automatically even if they don’t know enough to have specific preferences about activities. That said, there’s a massive range for asexuality, and some asexuals do indeed enjoy sex in and of itself. Others aren’t super into sex but enjoy other aspects of it like how their partner feels, etc. So if you’re asexual with no experience at all, you may well find that your understanding of YOUR relationship with sex changes as you try different things, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not asexual? Plus stuff like demisexuality come under the ace umbrella, which means you can feel asexual not up until you have sex, but rather up until you have a relationship with someone that meets your needs for WANTING to have sex with them, at which point your relationship towards sex might be much closer to someone allosexual, but just for sex stuff with that particular person. (That’s how my one friend is - he’s pretty much ‘meh’ about sex with random people, but in the right relationships it’s like his ‘sex’ switch turns on.)
@@slyfox9887from what I'm learning, sexuality and being drawn to something specific is more like being thirsty or hungry than it is craving a specific food. Basically it sounds like it's an instinct that is weaker in some people and probably helps foster monogamy when it's not too excessively weak.
As one expresses themselves, one must also be aware of the feeling their partner may be feeling, and work with them to see that it is not something they did or do. ( make sure there are plenty of Kleenex on hand!)