This video should be mandatory sex ed! People should really start to teach their kids to communicate, set boundaries and learn that there are differences between what you feel, what you think, what you generally enjoy and what certain parts of your body might do… this is so important and does not only apply to ace folk.
I swear my allo partner enjoys non-sexual intimacy more than I do. He spent so much his dating history without it. His exes mainly used him for sex. With the way he was treated by them and the way he was raised made him think that was okay. So being in a relationship with an asexual where sex was the last thing on my mind is very different. He realized how important intimacy is for him. Now he asks for cuddles way more than he asks for sex.
@@shadow_shine3578 I wish you luck. I was very fortunate to have already know my partner long before we started dating. It made a lot of rougher parts of dating a lot smoother.
Dude, this is just really great general sex advice. Even setting aside my asexuality, I've always been a strong advocate for healthy conversations about sex and consent with partners and friends. Thank you for this.
I like that you framed this in a way that can apply to single people who might be dating in the future and not just people who are already in a relationship. So much relationship advice is aimed at established couples... but where I struggle is the first, second, third dates where my date wants to kiss and I hate it so I don't know how to set that boundary and end up just calling the whole thing off.
We should start a group so ace ppl can find other ace ppl to date. I feel like it would be so much easier with someone who's already on a similar page as me to start with. I mean if I ever become single again. All the best to you 💖
Not gonna lie, I teared up a little. I've had relationships with allos in the past that fell apart shortly after I told them I'm ace, and I've tried to force myself into intimacy just to make them happy bc I'm tired of losing people I really connected with. I've been feeling pretty hopeless lately about my chances of finding someone who will stay, but this video has given me some hope that it can work out - with the right person, with the right discussions, with the right menu compromises, maybe I can find someone who will stay. Thank you for this.
I hope you are fine. Just to let you know that I'm allosexual and I'm happy with a partner who doesn't want any sex. We are happy together for ten years now.
Hi! Actually i’m building something with an ace girl and i love her so much, but i’m not ace and i want this person in my life, but how negotiate well providing benefits and comfort for me and her. Greetings!
Someone on reddit recommended this video to me because I'm an allo person dating an ace person. Bless you for making this! I'm really trying to research all this so that I can respect him and his needs.
This made me so emotional since I've always had a hard time navigating sexual relationships in the past. I always found myself apologizing, making myself feel small, and bending my boundaries just to satisfy my partner. But in the end, it really damaged me and caused a lot of deep-set trauma that strongly affects me until today. You breaking it down like this and repeatedly reassuring me of the things that I used to deny myself feels like a long wedged weight finally being lifted out of my closed heart. Thank you so much. This gives me a bit more hope for the future (even if I'm still terrified of getting into relationships 🥺) I really needed to hear this from a fellow ace. Much love and respect! 💜
I identify so much with this it hurt. I'd feel terrible because turning down my wife would make her feel hurt and as though I didn't love her. The problem was just that even when I'm sorta interested, I'm not turned on like a light switch. How do you go from tucking in the kids to immediate sexy time??? Plus there's this cultural expectation of providing sex to your spouse as a duty. Even though I never believed in that, it's still in the back of my head. We've been together 20 years and I just realized I'm ace in the last year or so. It was hard to tell my wife. Hopefully these tools will help us communicate better about sex.
I ended a 5year relationship because I understood that. My partner and I were not able to b together in person for many life reasons. I’m ace and could deal w that but their love language is very much physical so. It’s been several years and we’re still great friends because we do love each other (though no longer romantically) we just weren’t what we needed in a partner.
I came across your channel by accident a little while ago, and I'm so glad I did! I haven't seen much ace representation and you're so informative and comforting, thank you!
This advice works for non-ace people as well. Negotiating sex and intimacy might not feel “hot” but it’s super healthy to know what each others’ boundaries are. Healthy relationships are made of communication. Good stuff!
The sliding scale-what a great way to parse consent and enthusiasm! I grew up in a deeply religious household which made me nervous and uncomfortable approaching even talking about intimacy. I’m getting better but it’s still a very distressing topic for me because of my upbringing and some past trauma. This is such a helpful tool to to have, even if the conversation will still be tough. Thanks Ace Dad!
Nice video! I recently came out as asexual to my friend. She is the first person whom I have admitted this because we have shared a bed and she has helped me realize that cuddling for me is the limit and anything more is an absolute no. So in a way, negotiating intimacy helped me fully understand that I am ace in the first place.
We have to put an end to the "healthy sex life" stereotype. It is work and constant understanding of boundaries, what works, what doesn't, what we like etc before you can call it that. Society will have you thinking that once you are in a good replationship with a respectful person it will work out immediatly. That is not the case. You will still have the process of figuring everything out and it may take months or years AND THAT'S OKAY
I’ve seen use of the sliding sexytimes scale only once before and it was in a webcomic where the titular relationship was between a bi man and ace man! So nice to see it talked about here
When I finally realized that I was demisexual, the feeling I felt was something like relief. To have a word for it and know that I was not so alienated after all.
Gray here but I feel that way too. I’m talking to this guy and I am trying to teach myself about things like this. I grew up in purity culture so I am dealing with some religious trauma too and I’m trying to educate myself on intimacy because I’m kinda averse but I’m wanting to change to a more positive mindset
This is the most validating and practical advice I've been able to find about navigating an ace/allo intimate relationship, and I can't express how grateful I am to you for making it ❤️❤️❤️
I have been out and trying to navigate dating as an asexual person for the past two years. This is the first time I have found actually HELPFUL and practical advice. I love the idea of a “menu” and sexy times scale. THANK YOU! 💜
Thanks so much for making this video! As a sex favourable ace, I find it difficult to communicate how I feel about intimacy at a given moment, even though I'm pretty good at defining what I would be comfortable with in general. I'm currently exploring a relationship with an allo partner for the first time in a while, so this video came into my recommended feed at the perfect time! I will definitely be discussing both of these things, especially the scale, very soon. However, I would like to add to it a little bit; because I feel like this scale would also be a very useful tool when you're dealing with some trauma-related issues that can be triggered during intimacy. Personally, I've experienced moments where I suddenly feel very uncomfortable or even scared or panicked during intimacy. To use the scale, I could easily go from a 6 to a 1 in an instant. In these cases, I feel like the scale would be a great communicative tool too because it helps to put these feelings into words clearly and without blame. A simple 'I need a break from [current activity] because I just got back to a 1. Can we do [different activity] instead?' would be an amazing way to communicate this. So again, thanks so much for sharing!
I came across this channel looking for advice as a Allo (high libido even) on how to approach my asexual partner for sexual or any type of intimacy without coming off as pressuring and guilt tripping. This was an awesome video that really gave me some tools to present to him!!! You really explained everything amazing and stern to really drive home asexual people deserve respect no matter who their with. My boyfriend has trouble with that idea sometimes and I do try to stress that to him. You’re great!!
Having toys/accessories and an open acceptance of self/mutual stimulation can be really helpful with any partnership where your libidos don't regularly sync up. Even if you're not willing at the time this allows your partner to better address their desires as needed, and vice versa for yourself.
I wish I had seen this video years ago... I really thought something was wrong with me, and my allo partner for years tried helping me "fix" my sex drive, despite how many times I tried bringing up that maybe it's just not for me. Hearing "it's valid" and "you deserve that" made me feel so much relief. When you talked about the yes/maybe/no thing and how even yes things still require consent... yeah, that meant a lot. Thank you for your videos
Hey! I’m more on the allo side of things I guess, but this video is so, so healthy for every kind of relationship that might include sex and I’m so glad I found it. Most of the things you list are important to talk about even between two allo partners. Thank you so much!
I'm just in awe of all the content you are putting out there. It is absolutely helpful and you've become a real source of comfort in the days when I let my insecurities get to me. Thank you so much!! Pd: I love how scales are universal ace culture. I find it really funny when we all end up independently using the same strategies.
I love this video. I knew most of it already because I'm into bdsm and boundaries and negotiation is the absolute key in it. But i figured out that the same approach to boundaries in relation to my asexuality and sexual boundaries are really really effective (at least when I'm taking with someone who are willing to listen) thank u for the video
You are literally amazing! The way you explain everything resonates so well with me and hits me on such a personal level, you're better than any therapist I could ever ask for! Your a godsend!
Not usually the type of comment I write, but I have to say, Im incredibly grateful to have found your channel. Over the last month I've been coming to terms with my Asexuality after 26 years of being so confused. From being raised in the Hetero tradition to experimenting with bisexuality in High School to now I've never been repulsed by sex, but I never found it to be an integral part of my life/relationships. For the last 2 years I've been with someone who is VERY sexually intimate, and being a Grey has caused a lot of confusion and stress. So thank you for thia video, I believe the tips you gave here will help us greatly. Keep up the excellent education
I'm happy to have found your channel! I'm allo and my gf is asexual. Your videos are very informative, and I hope they help me be a better partner for her. Thank you!
I needed to hear all of this. Especially how my needs are valid and important too. Almost 2 years ago I started to seriously wonder if I was ace, and mentioned it to my then husband (now ex). After floating the possibility I noticed he stopped touching me, he only wanted to participate if we watched adult films, and he suddenly stopped initiating and told me I was solely responsible for initiating from now on. I thought something was wrong with me. I went to therapy, talked to my doctor. But nothing changed. he eventually confessed a year later that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been for almost a year. Said he didn’t feel loved. That broke me. We got divorced shortly after for multiple reasons, and after therapy I fully knew and embraced that I was ace, there was nothing wrong with me, and what my ex wanted was lust. he called it love, but I see now he wanted someone who lusts for him. So hearing you say my wants are important and what I find satisfying or fulfilling in a relationship is valid, overwhelmed me with joy. Thank you for this video. I needed this so much.
I recently came out as asexual myself after years of….not fitting in with other descriptions. I’m Hetero, and am a grey ace. I’m not completely against sex, but I feel violated seeing other women having romantic acts. I’m not jealous, not against them doing it, it just makes me cringe. I also cannot b with men who have been with other women, or who have seen porn or had thoughts of other women, etc. there were many many in depth aspects that set me apart from most people, n have garnered many laughs and chiding remarks, which I nervously tried to brush off because I didn’t know why I was this way. Thank you for being an advocate for us!
@@AceDadAdvice I’m glad to be here! I’m learning so much n it’s very refreshing. Like you said - you find out just because people don’t get it, you’re not ‘broken’. That is a liberation of the soul in itself. It took experiments n lessons for me to try to understand myself, all of which just made me feel worse. I was so different, ppl told (still do sometimes) me there was something wrong - and I thought there was. There was something wrong - I didn’t know who I really was. Once I fixed THAT, I wasn’t wrong or broken anymore. I’m still ‘different’ than many, but I’ve come to appreciate that. N I’m not as different as I thought. Shit I thought I was the only one who thought this way. When I found out I’m just one in a range of people with similarities to whatever extent our little spectrum provides, it felt amazing.
Thank you so much for this video. Navigating intimacy in my last relationship was a mess and I’m so worried about how things will go in the future with my new relationship. I’m hoping this will help me communicate better with my current partner when and if things move to that stage. I think what made it difficult to enjoy what parts of it I actually enjoyed was feeling like I had to perform an exaggerated version of asexuality to validate my identity to my ex. It’s super weird to think about in hindsight and was kind of getting me down thinking about it again. This video was exactly what I needed right now. It’s super cool what you’re doing on this channel 💜
Thank you for being so open when sharing your experiences. Having insight from people who have 'been there before' helps so much. I have no Partner relationship but I want one and you're help me be ready to come at it with more confidence. :shows off ace ring:
Hi, Your video warm my asexual heart, I'm starting relationships with allo people and sometimes I don't know how to communicate my bounderies and intimacy preferences, and this was very helpful (I cried a little bit too It's hard for me not to think about to fullfill my needs in a normative way) was again thank you! 💘
Im glad i discovered your channel now that my girlfriend of two years has come out as ace. I was doing a little research on how i might help her feel comfortable learning about the sexual side of relationships without pushing her to doing things she doesnt want to do, and this was the perfect video!! Your techniques are amazing for communication in this kind of situation, both from the position as the boyfriend in this situation and as an interpersonal communications student!
Damn, I came for any vague advice i could get and instead got a really constructed set of tools for navigating negotiation with allo partners. I was already thinking on give up on this since i'm also aro hahahah, but this gave me hope and made feel more secure in putting value on my needs and don't feel like a burden. Thank you. Also, how others said, this video should be mandatory sex ed, like really!.
this is the video i’ve been looking for. not being 100% yes or no for sex and trying to understand that and then translate that to someone else who is allo, it’s really difficult. thank you
AceDad, thank you so much for sharing this information! I don’t have any experience navigating romantic/sexual relationships and the idea of negotiating has always terrified me bc I feel like I would end up having to push my boundaries to make my potential partners happy. Thank you for validating that my boundaries are valid. I love the idea of a “menu” and sliding scale, it’s great to see tips that could be applied to relationships with aces/aros rather than just vague “you should compromise” advice
I have come to the realization recently how sexy(?) consent is. The idea and aesthetic of bdsm has been really intriguing because of that. Understanding that someone comfort lvl can change even in the middle of it.
I absolutely love this video! 💜 Physical intimacy has always been a confusing subject for me, even more so since realizing I'm asexual. I was always so afraid to be completely honest with past partners during s*x, and it led me to feeling all those negative emotions you described. I'm somewhere between s*x positive and neutral too! Videos like yours help to remind me that my feelings are 100% valid, always! 💐💐 Thank you so much!
Thank you! I’ve often pulled away from relationships alltogether, because it has felt like it’s ”all or nothing” when it comes to (physical) intimacy. This video I think will be really helpful!
I know this is an old video but I'm just so grateful this channel exists. At 38, I'm just now starting to realize I might be asexual so everything is confusing and stressful. Sidenote: your comment about not apologizing made me burst into tears. Between being trans and now learning I may be ACE as well, I've spent so much of my life feeling like I was broken or something was wrong with me. It was just something I really needed to hear
I loved this video. I've been overthinking about it. I don't have a partner yet but i overthink how we'll be able to deal with that. (I rather him to be asexual,but this is very rare, so i have to be "prepared" to deal with an allo). You have the best advices. You have no idea how much this video means to me. You are an angel sent from Heaven. Thank you,very much!!💜🖤 (I'm very excited for your book btw).
Oh dear, no please don't settle for someone that doesn't make you happy! It's great to live alone if you can afford it!! There are other aces out there so it isn't impossible to find someone you like. Living with someone who wants sex all the time when you don't is hell. Please take it from someone who's been there - your time alone and free is too precious to give to the wrong person! Much love and solidarity to you 💛
As an allo person, who has always wondered how handling an ace/allo relationship would look like: this has been a really interesting and informative video!
What do you do if you’re unsure of how you feel? For example using the scale but not being able to know what number you are? And with the columns what if you don’t really know how you feel about particular things?
I wouldn't put so much pressure on myself for these tools. They aren't absolutes. So things can change as you change. With the scale - it's just about what you're feeling in that moment. No right or wrong. And it's just for that moment. You're not looking to match your feelings to a pre-determined set of conditions on the scale. And I'd say if you don't know how you feel about a thing, it goes in the Maybe column. Because it could be yeah, it could be no. Or clarify with your partner that "Maybe" also means "things I'm not sure about."
I’ve been working to become an intimacy in film/theatre director, and I have turned one of the practices we learn to keep actors safe into a regular practice in the bedroom. It’s called body mapping, and before we do anything at all, we say “these body parts? Green light, yes, absolutely. Touch. These body parts? Yellow. Approach with caution. Ask please. This? RED LIGHT NO THANKS.” And in combination with ace dad’s sliding sexy times scale it can be super useful in keeping things safe and comfy for everybody, as far as eliminating the “but you did this/were comfortable with this before!” thing.
I gradually came to the relization I'm ace in my twenties. Now I've started to doubt allos are even really attracted to anyone; it looks like they're projecting.
I'm sex repulsed so I won't accept anything genitals related, but I'm a very romantic person so I'm literally scared I will never find love 😥 (I'm 19 and have never dated btw)
I find society in general is adamant that you have to be a certain way to find romantic partners but that is just not true. The world is big and full of different people who want and value different things, and quite a few of them value authentic connection, companionship and non-sexual physical intimacy as high as or above genital interaction. I understand it might seem hard to find people who want different things if you mostly move in social contexts where people are performing normalcy for the sake of acceptance, whatever is going on inside, but they are out there. Love is beautiful and strange, and the surest way to have a lot of it is to love others and oneself. If you have the courage to be yourself, engage in what interests you, and set your boundaries where you want them, the people who like you for who you are, and who want to be close to you as you are, will be easier to spot. If you’re a loving, caring friend to yourself, you’ll be in a good place to cherish love, care and friendship when it comes your way, you’ll recognise the things that look like love but aren’t before they can hurt you, and you’ll be able to engage in mutual love in a way to make it grow and take root. Don’t sacrifice your boundaries for the sake of yearning or belonging. Hold out for a person who really respects and cherises you as you are, it’s worth it. And my guess is you’ll meet at the very least four such in your lifetime if you are open to authentic connections. I have met eight such persons for me, four of which I have or have had platonic romantic relationships with, and I am only 38.
Same! I'm like. I want physical but I never, ever want to see a penis. Like I've seen diagrams and unfortunately some art and I just. It kinda makes me feel sick and the idea of that. Well near me in that way makes me feel sick. But I want the other stuff. I want like to be physical just with pants on.
@@shadow_shine3578 I would like to be romantic... but I never felt in love (and never dated). I'm in my 30's... Nudity doesn't repulse me, I'm just not interested.
Thank you for talking about this in easy to understand terms of consent! I've dealt with so many people who don't understand ace-ness telling me "Its never a negotiation! No is no!" When I try to explain this premise, and they completely shut me down. They're right, no does mean no! But for someone like me, I'm never "in the mood". So "no" could be all the time if I let it. There are also different levels of "no" for me. I know myself. I'm ace and I'm somewhere between sex neutral and sex repulsed. But my husband is a "regular" allosexual guy, and our marriage is a partnership. If it was only about my needs and was never a negotiation, it wouldn't be fair for him at all. His needs would go completely unrecognized. Both partners have to give a little and understand eachother. So I try really hard to consider what I'm comfortable with at any given time, and what my own needs are, and my husband always respects my boundaries. That's what's important. ♡
Yeah, I 99% of the time just don’t think about sex stuff as a thing we can even do together. Like it just doesn’t occur to me. So if someone was waiting for me to initiate something as some kind of indication of interest, it’d pretty much never happen. But if something reminds me then I might be up for it. And often I don’t know exactly what I’m up for until we start trying stuff, because in addition to asexuality I also have health issues that can cause joint pain and skin sensitivity so there’s a lot of seeing what happens when we try whatever, is it going to work out or is my skin going to get cranky or a joint start complaining? If that does happen, then do we just stop or do we try something else? Etc.
@@TrappedinSLC Omg yes. Same here! I literally don't even think about it. Months can go by. So my partner is encouraged to engage with me, ask, and be upfront about his needs. Then we work with it. ♡
I'm new to this, but I just realised that having clear boundaries stated and being given a choice with a scale open to negotiation sounds like fulfilling a need I never knew I had before, it's actually very attractive in itself, it'd make me feel safe and appreciated. I know it does sounds a little bit experimental and breaching a subject like this must be hard but it must be so worth it in the end. Thank you for this video ^__^
Thank you for this!! I’m 43, and just exploring the possibility that I might be ace. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my partner. Regardless of where I may fall, this video has been so helpful for how I feel about intimacy and how to discuss it with my partner.
As a greyace, I've been using a variation of the Sexytimes Scale for a while because it's the only way to communicate that, in fact, no one knows what my level of interest will be on any given day, not even me! But I like the way you describe it here so much and that it is reciprocal!
So I've been dealing with understanding my sexuality for bloody years, and only finally came to terms with being Panromantic Grey-Ace last year. I've always had such a complicated relationship with sex and intimacy. My last relationship especially was sort of pushed me to realise I definitely was ace (my ex was very very allosexual). But like, I know I don't hate sex, but it's difficult to express that it fluctuates. This video sort of put a lot of those thoughts into a clear perspective, and the sliding menu thing is incredibly helpful to describe what I've been dealing with. Thank you for making this video!!!
I don't know how many times I have commented on your videos that I was born far too early. You give me validation and hope for my son or all younger generation. Everything you say are things I have wished were the way it worked in general. Obviously we must understand the process to feel confident about ourselves. Between all of the videos here the ten years since my partner died, I finally am able to accept who I am and feel like other people might get it. So thank you.. again :)
After some time of self-reflection over a couple of years I (recently) came to the conclusion that I'm definitely somewhere on the ace spectrum, and even if that changes nothing for me at this time it's still good to know. My yt recommendations finally did something good, very informative, thanks for helpful advice!! 🌿
Someone asked me what kind of relationship with sex I wanted, I said I actually preferred not being sexual in a relationship with someone. And they laughed saying everybody wants sex and that I'll never find someone like that. Truthfully, I don't care for it. Like, I don't mind being sexual but.. I just want a relationship where sex is the last goal. Like we can touch each other and etc but I just hate this idea that sex is NEEDED or essential. It DOESNT matter. At the end of the day, if you can't have a relationship without sex, then you cant have any relationship at all.
As a 30 yo cis woman I think I found a jewel amongst the sea of youtube... I've spent 15 years of my life people pleasing partners regarding sexuality and just now I feel like I have acquired the neccesary tools to talk about asexuality with a partner and explore what suits MY needs. Thank you for this video, and channel. I will be delving deeper into your content ♥
I'm navigating my (newly discovered) asexuality right now, and this video really helps me in my current relationship. We've been pretty much in no man's land and having a sliding sexy scale is awesome. Thank you! :)
(Yeah. Good relationship skills are good relationship skills. But there’s definitely a value in ace folks hearing it directed to them. Representation matters :) )
As someone who found and came out as Ace in 2022, I just found your channel and as someone who, like you, also wavers tremendously between sex-neutral and sex-favorable (to the point where I just say not sex-repulsed); I found this video very helpful as my potential partner might most likely be an allo woman (yes, I’m a heteroromantic ace dude if that’s not clear). Heck, from my beet understanding of your advice, I don’t need to out myself to my partner to apply your advice. Lastly, the menu analogy I found extremely intuitive and helpful
I think this is helpful for anyone and everyone, libidos are rarely matched in any couple, especially at the exact same time, will be using this in my Allo relationship 😊
I'm still discovering myself and my sexuality, but I gotta say I loved when you talked about redefining what a satisfying sex life is to us, because we are unique as individuals. And whatever we want to include or exclude is just fine and still makes it a great sex life for us. Our society tends to generalize and we are conditioned to think that there is a size fits all in everything, witch is false. A satisfying sex life is a whole lot more then just the sex part. For me at list. We are complex beings, with a body, a psysche and a soul. A satisfying intimacy should include all, as they are part of the whole that we are.
This video is excellent. Wow! I'm ace, but even for those who are not asexual they could learn a lot here. How this doesn't have more views is beyond me. I'm not sure what other content is in this channel, but I'm subscribing just for this. Thank you for your clear and concise advice. It is top-tier!
thank you, this has been something my husband and I have struggled in the past and it's causing some strain in our marriage. This is something I'll be discussing with him. I think it's a great tip even for those who aren't asexual.
I'm so glad that i found this video 😭 and your chanel, thank you for sharing your experiences, feelings and tools, thank you for helping everyone in this wonderful community, I am sure it will help me for the rest of my life even though it is still ahead of me 😂
This has been one of the most informative and comforting video i have had the luck of finding. I've recently started to look deeper into my own Outlook and views on my sexuality. This is a great set of tools to consider. Thank you!
These tips are positively invaluable in my opinion, not just for aces but for everyone. It's all about communication and transparency, and that's crucial for any relationship to succeed. Thank you for giving such a comprehensive and easy-to-follow breakdown of how to proceed in this kind of situation.
So I’ve just binged a bunch of your videos… shed a lot of tears (good tears!). Thank you SO much for all of these advice videos, they are such a safe haven! I was wondering if you had any specific advice for me in my situation… I’m 29, married and we have a two-year-old (we’ve been together ten years). I’ve only recently not just figured out, but accepted my asexuality and I have spoken about it with my partner. We’ve attempted some talks at working out what kind of intimacy we would be happy with but it’s basically like how you put it at the start of the video (plus I came at the conversation apologising for my ace-ness….oops) ANYWAY the advice I need is… I am worried we are completely incompatible sexually. But, I love him, he loves me and we have a life and a family together. I feel pressure and guilt that makes me try and do intimate acts that I’m not comfortable with, not present (mentally) for and don’t want to do. But I feel awful because I know my allo partner is already struggling with the lack of sexual intimacy we share. Cuddles and hand-holding is not enough for him… but it is all that I want. We were trying to meet in the middle where I would occasionally do what he wants sexually with him but it’s getting harder for me to do that, especially when he feels I am not into it. Problem is, I will never be into it because I don’t want to do it, but I am happy to do it for him because I love him, but it’s not working because he feels like I’m doing it out of obligation….. which technically I am but what am I supposed to do! I feel trapped in this box. I feel selfish because he’s not getting any kind of sexual action so I feel the want to do it for him but it’s never good enough because he can tell I’m not ‘into’ it, so I have to use a lot of emotional energy to put on this ‘sexy’ attitude that just makes me feel like a fake. I don’t want to lose what we have but what can we do when it feels we are so incompatible sexually? I feel so scared, anxious and alone in this… I want to do what’s best for my child, but also what’s best for my husband and I. But I don’t know what that is and even thinking about it stresses me out so much I want to shut down and just cry. I feel a lot of self-hate because everything else in our relationship works and I love him, I love our life so why is it so hard for me to just give him a goddamn hand job every now and then! Is it unfair of me if I can’t make that compromise? Should I try harder at it? This has turned into a rant… I’m so sorry. If anyone reads all of this I would love your advice…. And again, Ace Dad, thank you so much for your videos - I can’t express how much they are helping me. Edit: I should add, I used to be more sexually active with him which confuses him a little as he has seen me 'enjoy' sex before. Problem is I was always trying to meet some goddamn quota in my head that would mean I was good enough, and our relationship was good enough to what society says it should be. Since realising my sexuality I've found myself finally feeling at peace in some ways as I no longer think I am broken, however, I also am finding it so much more difficult to try and make myself do any of these things that I used to do now that I understand doing them will never change me, that thing I was waiting to finally click someday isn't going to... I'm not sure how to help my partner understand this without hurting him. I feel like I've unintentionally tricked him into a romantic relationship where I've now come out and changed the parameters of what he expected it would be...
You know, you also deserve to have your needs and boundaries respected and centered here. Not just your husband and your child. You don’t have to see your asexuality as taking something away from your husband. This is who you are. And people aren’t constants - they change over time. And if your husband can’t honor the fact that you’ve evolved as a person and evolved your understanding of yourself, he’s not showing up for you in a way you deserve. You aren’t solely responsible for everyone’s happiness. You aren’t solely responsible to renegotiate the boundaries. You shouldn’t be the only person who has to adapt and embrace change here. Don’t assume that responsibility on your own.
In any long term relationship, people change. So you didn’t trick him. You didn’t lie. You didn’t misrepresent. You just learned more about yourself and it changed what your boundaries might be. It’s unfair if your husband to not accept you as an asexual person and also say that intimacy isn’t good enough unless you’re “really into it.” Like - you can’t have it both ways, dude. You can’t ignore the fact that your partner is ace. He’s got to meet you where you are. And work on new boundaries from there. Yeah it’s a change. Yeah it’s difficult. But that’s what you sign up for when you marry someone. If your value as his spouse hinges on whether or not you have sex with him, I’d have some questions about that.
And this takes time. It took my husband and me a while to figure it out. A couple years. It isn’t easy. But you can work at it. And it helps to be open to non traditional solutions to the problem. My husband and I are polyamorous. That’s one way we make it work. I know that’s not for everyone. But to be open to out of the box solutions to meet everyone’s needs can help.
@@AceDadAdvice Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me and offer all of this advice!! I hope you know how much your channel is helping and supporting people and how much you are appreciated. I will be re-reading these messages to reaffirm my own confidence in myself before the next conversation with my partner! I'm glad you mentioned that you and your partner are polyamorous, that is actually something I have brought up with my partner as I think I would be open to it (I'm sure there will be aspects I will struggle with) however at the moment it's not something he is interested in at all, but who knows what the future holds. Lots more uncomfortable conversations for now I suppose! But they are made so much easier by the tools and advice you are sharing with the world! Thank you again :) :)
I can relate to a lot of what you've said here. My partner and I have been together for most of the last 9 years. She is extremely sexual, and I am some flavor of asexual (perhaps somewhere between sex favorable and neutral, though sometimes I feel averse?). It's been the hardest part of our relationship over the years (I also feel like everything else about our relationship has been great, except for sexual incompatibilities). I relate to what you said about having sex with your husband because you love him and want to please him / meet his needs, but that's often difficult for you to do, and on top of that he only wants sex where both of you are "into it" (which I take to mean sexually aroused). I've been through all of this in my relationship as well. Definitely dealt / dealing with feelings of inadequacy, beating myself up over why I can't just be more sexual with her since I love her so much, etc. We've done similar work to what's described in this video to think about sex and intimacy more broadly, and figure out what we can do together that's mutually fulfilling. It's not as formal as a 3-column menu, but the ideas are the same. For me, this work is all linked up with polyamory. We've been polyamorous for the past year or so, and it's been great for our relationship. I wasn't ready to explore it for years, and we only opened up to it when we were both genuinely ready. I find it easier to advocate for myself in a polyamorous context rather than a monogamous one, because I know my partner has other opportunities to meet certain sexual needs. I also don't feel so much obligation to please her in certain sexual ways, which makes it easier for me to connect with her more authentically (though I'm definitely still working through feelings of obligation and deficiency). I haven't had any other partners yet, but I'm starting to feel ready to try. All that said, I hear that your husband isn't interested in exploring polyamory right now, and perhaps never will be. I've only recently begun to claim the asexual label for myself, so I'm definitely still figuring it out. It's a hard road, no matter how wonderful your relationship is outside of sex. Really rooting for you over here, whatever your future may bring.
Great video! As someone who has had allo partners in the past and ended up getting hurt and boundaries crossed, this would have been helpful. My current partner is demi, but he doesn't place a huge importance on "the standard menu" and is very accommodating to me, but I think this may be a good idea to open up to some more options instead of just taking the menu off the table
Really helpful- Thankyou. I’ve been worrying about this for a long time I was actually using the columns in the past before I even knew what asexuality was!
As a newly out Ace, I really appreciate videos like this! Now if I could figure out how to get a partner without apologizing for my asexuality in the first place... 🤔🙂
Thanks, dad 🥺 I really love your videos, they help me a lot with figuring myself out and the validation you give is very reassuring. Thank you, keep it up!
this is a great video, and i think your voice is fantastic for educational videos like these. im not sure how to describe it, but you genuinely sound like you care about what you talk about and how. you arent intimidating, but you also don’t sound unsure of your words. you also arent infobombing us and using a bunch of unique vocabulary that throws us off. i think ill be checking out more of your channel.
I am VERY new to this space and have only watched like two of your videos so far but I am already feeling so much better about myself and more empowered. Thank you! Off to watch more 😅
I've seen a few of your videos now and they've been helping me understand my asexuality better, thank you for your kindness and gentleness with your approach to these topics.
I have been questioning if I’m on the ace spectrum for years, and I just decided to avoid relationships to avoid confronting that part of myself. But I kind of accidentally stumbled into a relationship with a friend. And I don’t know how to have that conversation with my new partner because I don’t actually know what I want in the relationship yet. Thank you for this.
Grr I once saw a TikTok where a man told a “funny” story about his asexual girlfriend joking around during s*x. He wanted to do it multiple times a day, and she did it for him even though she wasn’t into it. Ace people actually PRAISED their relationship as proof that ace and allo people can have healthy relationships. But I was HORRIFIED. If she isn’t into it, then it’s not consent. She’s doing this every day, sometimes multiple times a day, just because HE feels like it. The jokes are because she’s so nervous and uncomfortable. It’s not cute or funny and to those who related to her, I’m so sorry you’re having that experience. Nobody should feel like they have to do anything sexual unless they’re 100% enthusiastic and sure that it’s what they want to do. If somebody makes you feel like they won’t be happy with you unless you satisfy their sexual “needs” (it’s not a need, sorry), leave them. You deserve better.
Thanks for the videos. I have been listening through all of them today at work. I am not ace myself, but my lovely partner is. We’ve been together nearly 2 years and have been living together for over a year but unfortunately have only recently started communicating better about intimacy. Perhaps some of the ideas in this video will work for us.
No apology you said. That means so much to hear. I don't have to apologize. Thank you for that reminder. The shame is real, just like you said. This helps.
Thank you for this video. I cried from feeling so seen. I realized I was ace back in 2011 (has it really been ten years already?), spent a few years trying to force myself to be allo, and have been avoiding getting close to people since because I didn’t know how to handle these conversations and I have A LOT in my no column. It means a lot to hear someone tell me that’s okay.
I’m an allo dating a sex favorable ace and this is really helpful! Also, would the maybe column include things that you want to do at some time but don’t feel ready for yet? I’m pretty inexperienced and only comfortable with some sex acts right now but there are more that I’m really interested in but seem too intimate for now
Only thing that it could use is maybe a template for common things that usually needs to be put somewhere on the "menu", and then couples could add their own subjects to the menu thst they feel like needs to be adressed
you're awesome really :) I wish we lived in a society where this type of communication was a prerequisite for intimacy rather than this set of unsaid heteronormative, "normal" attitudes towards intimacy and relationships..
Can you do an episode or so on squish relationships, what it is/isn't ? It's so rare to have any videos on that topic. It's one of two words used to define an ace type of relationship that's confusing but seems to boarder on friends with maybe benefits and you might do a clear take on it.
Thank you for all your videos! I've been having a hard time with my SO because we're doing a ldr and it's been stressing me out when he wants to do some intimacy online but I would feel uncomfortable about it. I felt horribly bad for rejecting him, even apologizing for it and I've come to realize, through you, that I don't have to feel sorry at all, that what I'm feeling is valid 🥺
All your talk of menus is making me think of what we'll make for dinner, not what we might be getting up to after the kids go to sleep. Steamed zucchini & carrots with cherry vinaigrette? or curried onions, zucchini, and mushrooms? Yep. Clear, _specific_ communication is very important in a relationship, on all the topics, really. My partner and I have been a couple for over 25ys now, and were friends a year before that. He's the allo one, I'm the (sex positive within our romantic relationship, repulsed without it) demi.. You have to keep communicating, too, because things change over time. Going back to dinner, peppers are Spouse's favorite vegetable while I dislike them but will eat them sometimes, just because he likes them so much, except for a 9 month period about 10ys ago. During those 9 months Spouse had to either get peppers somewhere else or go without. (Ahh, morning sickness all day) There are a _few_ areas where one person's needs/preferences flatly overrule the other, but those are things where it affects the one far, far more than the other, like what I needed when I was pregnant ("Dear God, PLEASE eat that sausage where I can't smell it" comes to mind, lol) and what he needs or doesn't need as a visually impaired person. (Many blindies are a bit touchy about their independence and he's one such.) Most of his hard nos that aren't also mine are related to his disability.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff I feel like I am some sort of ace person...intimacy emotionally or sexual seems unnecessary to me but sometimes I do not mind a hand touch or a hug idk...I feel lost but somehow found this channel!
this video is absolutely incredible. i could honestly cry about it. thank you. this video is so so so important and i am grateful for you and you channel. ❤
"Your allo partner's needs and desires are not more important than yours just because they're allo"
I really needed to hear that. Thank you
This video should be mandatory sex ed! People should really start to teach their kids to communicate, set boundaries and learn that there are differences between what you feel, what you think, what you generally enjoy and what certain parts of your body might do… this is so important and does not only apply to ace folk.
Absolutely
💯
Yeah, boundaries are important even if you’re not Acespec
I swear my allo partner enjoys non-sexual intimacy more than I do. He spent so much his dating history without it. His exes mainly used him for sex. With the way he was treated by them and the way he was raised made him think that was okay. So being in a relationship with an asexual where sex was the last thing on my mind is very different. He realized how important intimacy is for him. Now he asks for cuddles way more than he asks for sex.
Oh I so hope thats how it goes for my partner one day.
@@shadow_shine3578 I wish you luck. I was very fortunate to have already know my partner long before we started dating. It made a lot of rougher parts of dating a lot smoother.
And that's how I realised people are sexual and I'm not 😂
Dude, this is just really great general sex advice. Even setting aside my asexuality, I've always been a strong advocate for healthy conversations about sex and consent with partners and friends. Thank you for this.
My pleasure. Glad you’re here.
This. There’s no automatic “we all like the same things” just because ppl are both allosexual.
I like that you framed this in a way that can apply to single people who might be dating in the future and not just people who are already in a relationship. So much relationship advice is aimed at established couples... but where I struggle is the first, second, third dates where my date wants to kiss and I hate it so I don't know how to set that boundary and end up just calling the whole thing off.
I’m in a polyam relationship, so I still face the “first date problems” too. They’re hard. Solidarity
We should start a group so ace ppl can find other ace ppl to date. I feel like it would be so much easier with someone who's already on a similar page as me to start with. I mean if I ever become single again. All the best to you 💖
@@bunnykatsoracle3275 there is a website for it! dunno what it was called
@@boots1622fan oh sweet! I'll look into it, thank you!
@@bunnykatsoracle3275 oh, turns out theres membership fees...
Not gonna lie, I teared up a little. I've had relationships with allos in the past that fell apart shortly after I told them I'm ace, and I've tried to force myself into intimacy just to make them happy bc I'm tired of losing people I really connected with. I've been feeling pretty hopeless lately about my chances of finding someone who will stay, but this video has given me some hope that it can work out - with the right person, with the right discussions, with the right menu compromises, maybe I can find someone who will stay. Thank you for this.
I hope you are fine. Just to let you know that I'm allosexual and I'm happy with a partner who doesn't want any sex. We are happy together for ten years now.
Hi! Actually i’m building something with an ace girl and i love her so much, but i’m not ace and i want this person in my life, but how negotiate well providing benefits and comfort for me and her. Greetings!
Someone on reddit recommended this video to me because I'm an allo person dating an ace person. Bless you for making this! I'm really trying to research all this so that I can respect him and his needs.
That’s awesome. And my pleasure.
How's the dating going?
same but i found it myself hehe
This made me so emotional since I've always had a hard time navigating sexual relationships in the past. I always found myself apologizing, making myself feel small, and bending my boundaries just to satisfy my partner. But in the end, it really damaged me and caused a lot of deep-set trauma that strongly affects me until today.
You breaking it down like this and repeatedly reassuring me of the things that I used to deny myself feels like a long wedged weight finally being lifted out of my closed heart.
Thank you so much. This gives me a bit more hope for the future (even if I'm still terrified of getting into relationships 🥺) I really needed to hear this from a fellow ace. Much love and respect! 💜
Im so glad it was helpful. I’m glad you’re here. :)
I identify so much with this it hurt. I'd feel terrible because turning down my wife would make her feel hurt and as though I didn't love her. The problem was just that even when I'm sorta interested, I'm not turned on like a light switch. How do you go from tucking in the kids to immediate sexy time??? Plus there's this cultural expectation of providing sex to your spouse as a duty. Even though I never believed in that, it's still in the back of my head. We've been together 20 years and I just realized I'm ace in the last year or so. It was hard to tell my wife. Hopefully these tools will help us communicate better about sex.
Hell, this should be used for all allosexual couples too. Just really solid advice for communicating about sex all around.
Same, another allo person here
Yeah love that.
I ended a 5year relationship because I understood that. My partner and I were not able to b together in person for many life reasons. I’m ace and could deal w that but their love language is very much physical so. It’s been several years and we’re still great friends because we do love each other (though no longer romantically) we just weren’t what we needed in a partner.
I came across your channel by accident a little while ago, and I'm so glad I did! I haven't seen much ace representation and you're so informative and comforting, thank you!
Thank you so much. That's what I'm aiming for, so I'm glad to know it's working.
c
Same. I’m not ace but I want to understand.
True.
This advice works for non-ace people as well. Negotiating sex and intimacy might not feel “hot” but it’s super healthy to know what each others’ boundaries are. Healthy relationships are made of communication.
Good stuff!
The sliding scale-what a great way to parse consent and enthusiasm!
I grew up in a deeply religious household which made me nervous and uncomfortable approaching even talking about intimacy. I’m getting better but it’s still a very distressing topic for me because of my upbringing and some past trauma. This is such a helpful tool to to have, even if the conversation will still be tough. Thanks Ace Dad!
It helps me a lot. And thanks for being here.
Nice video!
I recently came out as asexual to my friend. She is the first person whom I have admitted this because we have shared a bed and she has helped me realize that cuddling for me is the limit and anything more is an absolute no. So in a way, negotiating intimacy helped me fully understand that I am ace in the first place.
That’s wonderful!
❤❤❤
We have to put an end to the "healthy sex life" stereotype. It is work and constant understanding of boundaries, what works, what doesn't, what we like etc before you can call it that. Society will have you thinking that once you are in a good replationship with a respectful person it will work out immediatly. That is not the case. You will still have the process of figuring everything out and it may take months or years AND THAT'S OKAY
I’ve seen use of the sliding sexytimes scale only once before and it was in a webcomic where the titular relationship was between a bi man and ace man! So nice to see it talked about here
What's the webcomic?
When I finally realized that I was demisexual, the feeling I felt was something like relief. To have a word for it and know that I was not so alienated after all.
Same! Its like confirmation that there's nothing wrong with us. We are just a little different is all :)
Gray here but I feel that way too. I’m talking to this guy and I am trying to teach myself about things like this. I grew up in purity culture so I am dealing with some religious trauma too and I’m trying to educate myself on intimacy because I’m kinda averse but I’m wanting to change to a more positive mindset
This is the most validating and practical advice I've been able to find about navigating an ace/allo intimate relationship, and I can't express how grateful I am to you for making it ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for the kind words. More of its on the way. It seems it’s been helpful!
I have been out and trying to navigate dating as an asexual person for the past two years. This is the first time I have found actually HELPFUL and practical advice. I love the idea of a “menu” and sexy times scale. THANK YOU! 💜
I’m so glad. My pleasure.
Thanks so much for making this video! As a sex favourable ace, I find it difficult to communicate how I feel about intimacy at a given moment, even though I'm pretty good at defining what I would be comfortable with in general. I'm currently exploring a relationship with an allo partner for the first time in a while, so this video came into my recommended feed at the perfect time! I will definitely be discussing both of these things, especially the scale, very soon.
However, I would like to add to it a little bit; because I feel like this scale would also be a very useful tool when you're dealing with some trauma-related issues that can be triggered during intimacy. Personally, I've experienced moments where I suddenly feel very uncomfortable or even scared or panicked during intimacy. To use the scale, I could easily go from a 6 to a 1 in an instant. In these cases, I feel like the scale would be a great communicative tool too because it helps to put these feelings into words clearly and without blame. A simple 'I need a break from [current activity] because I just got back to a 1. Can we do [different activity] instead?' would be an amazing way to communicate this. So again, thanks so much for sharing!
I came across this channel looking for advice as a Allo (high libido even) on how to approach my asexual partner for sexual or any type of intimacy without coming off as pressuring and guilt tripping. This was an awesome video that really gave me some tools to present to him!!! You really explained everything amazing and stern to really drive home asexual people deserve respect no matter who their with. My boyfriend has trouble with that idea sometimes and I do try to stress that to him. You’re great!!
I’m in the same position. I want him all the time. Nothing. Never approached me in 2 years. I don’t know how to deal still.
Having toys/accessories and an open acceptance of self/mutual stimulation can be really helpful with any partnership where your libidos don't regularly sync up. Even if you're not willing at the time this allows your partner to better address their desires as needed, and vice versa for yourself.
I wish I had seen this video years ago... I really thought something was wrong with me, and my allo partner for years tried helping me "fix" my sex drive, despite how many times I tried bringing up that maybe it's just not for me. Hearing "it's valid" and "you deserve that" made me feel so much relief. When you talked about the yes/maybe/no thing and how even yes things still require consent... yeah, that meant a lot. Thank you for your videos
Hey! I’m more on the allo side of things I guess, but this video is so, so healthy for every kind of relationship that might include sex and I’m so glad I found it. Most of the things you list are important to talk about even between two allo partners. Thank you so much!
I'm just in awe of all the content you are putting out there. It is absolutely helpful and you've become a real source of comfort in the days when I let my insecurities get to me. Thank you so much!!
Pd: I love how scales are universal ace culture. I find it really funny when we all end up independently using the same strategies.
I am so glad to hear it. Thank you for the kindness and for being here. :)
I love this video. I knew most of it already because I'm into bdsm and boundaries and negotiation is the absolute key in it. But i figured out that the same approach to boundaries in relation to my asexuality and sexual boundaries are really really effective (at least when I'm taking with someone who are willing to listen) thank u for the video
Yep! A lot of those negotiation skills work all around!
You are literally amazing! The way you explain everything resonates so well with me and hits me on such a personal level, you're better than any therapist I could ever ask for! Your a godsend!
Aw thank you! I’m so glad it’s helpful. If I can help folks have an easier time of it than I had, it’s worth the effort.
Yes! Better than a lot of therapists if you ask me, not from experience (only did family therapy for like 6 sessions) just my opinion 😅
Not usually the type of comment I write, but I have to say, Im incredibly grateful to have found your channel. Over the last month I've been coming to terms with my Asexuality after 26 years of being so confused. From being raised in the Hetero tradition to experimenting with bisexuality in High School to now I've never been repulsed by sex, but I never found it to be an integral part of my life/relationships.
For the last 2 years I've been with someone who is VERY sexually intimate, and being a Grey has caused a lot of confusion and stress. So thank you for thia video, I believe the tips you gave here will help us greatly.
Keep up the excellent education
You’re very welcome. And I’m glad you’re here.
I'm happy to have found your channel! I'm allo and my gf is asexual. Your videos are very informative, and I hope they help me be a better partner for her. Thank you!
Glad you’re here! And y’all keep supporting and communicating. Y’all have this. :)
Também sou allo com uma namorada ace 😅
I needed to hear all of this. Especially how my needs are valid and important too. Almost 2 years ago I started to seriously wonder if I was ace, and mentioned it to my then husband (now ex). After floating the possibility I noticed he stopped touching me, he only wanted to participate if we watched adult films, and he suddenly stopped initiating and told me I was solely responsible for initiating from now on. I thought something was wrong with me. I went to therapy, talked to my doctor. But nothing changed. he eventually confessed a year later that he wasn’t attracted to me and hadn’t been for almost a year. Said he didn’t feel loved. That broke me. We got divorced shortly after for multiple reasons, and after therapy I fully knew and embraced that I was ace, there was nothing wrong with me, and what my ex wanted was lust. he called it love, but I see now he wanted someone who lusts for him. So hearing you say my wants are important and what I find satisfying or fulfilling in a relationship is valid, overwhelmed me with joy.
Thank you for this video. I needed this so much.
I’m glad you heard that. And glad you know it. Happy you’re here.
I recently came out as asexual myself after years of….not fitting in with other descriptions. I’m Hetero, and am a grey ace. I’m not completely against sex, but I feel violated seeing other women having romantic acts. I’m not jealous, not against them doing it, it just makes me cringe. I also cannot b with men who have been with other women, or who have seen porn or had thoughts of other women, etc. there were many many in depth aspects that set me apart from most people, n have garnered many laughs and chiding remarks, which I nervously tried to brush off because I didn’t know why I was this way. Thank you for being an advocate for us!
Thank you for being here!
@@AceDadAdvice I’m glad to be here! I’m learning so much n it’s very refreshing. Like you said - you find out just because people don’t get it, you’re not ‘broken’. That is a liberation of the soul in itself. It took experiments n lessons for me to try to understand myself, all of which just made me feel worse. I was so different, ppl told (still do sometimes) me there was something wrong - and I thought there was. There was something wrong - I didn’t know who I really was. Once I fixed THAT, I wasn’t wrong or broken anymore. I’m still ‘different’ than many, but I’ve come to appreciate that. N I’m not as different as I thought. Shit I thought I was the only one who thought this way. When I found out I’m just one in a range of people with similarities to whatever extent our little spectrum provides, it felt amazing.
Thank you so much for this video. Navigating intimacy in my last relationship was a mess and I’m so worried about how things will go in the future with my new relationship. I’m hoping this will help me communicate better with my current partner when and if things move to that stage.
I think what made it difficult to enjoy what parts of it I actually enjoyed was feeling like I had to perform an exaggerated version of asexuality to validate my identity to my ex. It’s super weird to think about in hindsight and was kind of getting me down thinking about it again. This video was exactly what I needed right now. It’s super cool what you’re doing on this channel 💜
I totally did that too. I felt like I had to prove I was ace after coming out. It’s tough. But you’ll overcome those hurdles!
Thank you for being so open when sharing your experiences. Having insight from people who have 'been there before' helps so much. I have no Partner relationship but I want one and you're help me be ready to come at it with more confidence. :shows off ace ring:
Yeah! That’s the spirit. You can do this.
Hi, Your video warm my asexual heart, I'm starting relationships with allo people and sometimes I don't know how to communicate my bounderies and intimacy preferences, and this was very helpful (I cried a little bit too It's hard for me not to think about to fullfill my needs in a normative way) was again thank you! 💘
Aw thank you. It can be tough but it can work out!
I love the sliding sexy times scale! Thanks for sharing your ace dad gems with us.
Thank you for supporting and being here. It really helped me a lot. Glad it resonates!
Im glad i discovered your channel now that my girlfriend of two years has come out as ace. I was doing a little research on how i might help her feel comfortable learning about the sexual side of relationships without pushing her to doing things she doesnt want to do, and this was the perfect video!! Your techniques are amazing for communication in this kind of situation, both from the position as the boyfriend in this situation and as an interpersonal communications student!
Damn, I came for any vague advice i could get and instead got a really constructed set of tools for navigating negotiation with allo partners. I was already thinking on give up on this since i'm also aro hahahah, but this gave me hope and made feel more secure in putting value on my needs and don't feel like a burden. Thank you. Also, how others said, this video should be mandatory sex ed, like really!.
this is the video i’ve been looking for. not being 100% yes or no for sex and trying to understand that and then translate that to someone else who is allo, it’s really difficult. thank you
AceDad, thank you so much for sharing this information! I don’t have any experience navigating romantic/sexual relationships and the idea of negotiating has always terrified me bc I feel like I would end up having to push my boundaries to make my potential partners happy. Thank you for validating that my boundaries are valid. I love the idea of a “menu” and sliding scale, it’s great to see tips that could be applied to relationships with aces/aros rather than just vague “you should compromise” advice
I have come to the realization recently how sexy(?) consent is. The idea and aesthetic of bdsm has been really intriguing because of that. Understanding that someone comfort lvl can change even in the middle of it.
I absolutely love this video! 💜 Physical intimacy has always been a confusing subject for me, even more so since realizing I'm asexual. I was always so afraid to be completely honest with past partners during s*x, and it led me to feeling all those negative emotions you described. I'm somewhere between s*x positive and neutral too! Videos like yours help to remind me that my feelings are 100% valid, always! 💐💐 Thank you so much!
My pleasure. That’s what I’m here for. :)
Thank you! I’ve often pulled away from relationships alltogether, because it has felt like it’s ”all or nothing” when it comes to (physical) intimacy. This video I think will be really helpful!
Wonderful.
I know this is an old video but I'm just so grateful this channel exists. At 38, I'm just now starting to realize I might be asexual so everything is confusing and stressful. Sidenote: your comment about not apologizing made me burst into tears. Between being trans and now learning I may be ACE as well, I've spent so much of my life feeling like I was broken or something was wrong with me. It was just something I really needed to hear
My pleasure friend. I’m glad you’re here.
I loved this video. I've been overthinking about it. I don't have a partner yet but i overthink how we'll be able to deal with that. (I rather him to be asexual,but this is very rare, so i have to be "prepared" to deal with an allo).
You have the best advices. You have no idea how much this video means to me.
You are an angel sent from Heaven.
Thank you,very much!!💜🖤
(I'm very excited for your book btw).
Aw this is so kind thank you. I appreciate you being here and supporting!!
Oh dear, no please don't settle for someone that doesn't make you happy! It's great to live alone if you can afford it!! There are other aces out there so it isn't impossible to find someone you like. Living with someone who wants sex all the time when you don't is hell. Please take it from someone who's been there - your time alone and free is too precious to give to the wrong person! Much love and solidarity to you 💛
As an allo person, who has always wondered how handling an ace/allo relationship would look like: this has been a really interesting and informative video!
Sure thing. Glad you’re here
What do you do if you’re unsure of how you feel? For example using the scale but not being able to know what number you are? And with the columns what if you don’t really know how you feel about particular things?
I wouldn't put so much pressure on myself for these tools. They aren't absolutes. So things can change as you change.
With the scale - it's just about what you're feeling in that moment. No right or wrong. And it's just for that moment. You're not looking to match your feelings to a pre-determined set of conditions on the scale.
And I'd say if you don't know how you feel about a thing, it goes in the Maybe column. Because it could be yeah, it could be no. Or clarify with your partner that "Maybe" also means "things I'm not sure about."
The number is based on your own feelings, it's not an objective 1-10 with definitions
I’ve been working to become an intimacy in film/theatre director, and I have turned one of the practices we learn to keep actors safe into a regular practice in the bedroom. It’s called body mapping, and before we do anything at all, we say “these body parts? Green light, yes, absolutely. Touch. These body parts? Yellow. Approach with caution. Ask please. This? RED LIGHT NO THANKS.” And in combination with ace dad’s sliding sexy times scale it can be super useful in keeping things safe and comfy for everybody, as far as eliminating the “but you did this/were comfortable with this before!” thing.
I gradually came to the relization I'm ace in my twenties. Now I've started to doubt allos are even really attracted to anyone; it looks like they're projecting.
I'm sex repulsed so I won't accept anything genitals related, but I'm a very romantic person so I'm literally scared I will never find love 😥 (I'm 19 and have never dated btw)
I find society in general is adamant that you have to be a certain way to find romantic partners but that is just not true. The world is big and full of different people who want and value different things, and quite a few of them value authentic connection, companionship and non-sexual physical intimacy as high as or above genital interaction.
I understand it might seem hard to find people who want different things if you mostly move in social contexts where people are performing normalcy for the sake of acceptance, whatever is going on inside, but they are out there.
Love is beautiful and strange, and the surest way to have a lot of it is to love others and oneself. If you have the courage to be yourself, engage in what interests you, and set your boundaries where you want them, the people who like you for who you are, and who want to be close to you as you are, will be easier to spot. If you’re a loving, caring friend to yourself, you’ll be in a good place to cherish love, care and friendship when it comes your way, you’ll recognise the things that look like love but aren’t before they can hurt you, and you’ll be able to engage in mutual love in a way to make it grow and take root.
Don’t sacrifice your boundaries for the sake of yearning or belonging. Hold out for a person who really respects and cherises you as you are, it’s worth it. And my guess is you’ll meet at the very least four such in your lifetime if you are open to authentic connections. I have met eight such persons for me, four of which I have or have had platonic romantic relationships with, and I am only 38.
Same! I'm like. I want physical but I never, ever want to see a penis. Like I've seen diagrams and unfortunately some art and I just. It kinda makes me feel sick and the idea of that.
Well near me in that way makes me feel sick.
But I want the other stuff. I want like to be physical just with pants on.
@@shadow_shine3578 I would like to be romantic... but I never felt in love (and never dated). I'm in my 30's...
Nudity doesn't repulse me, I'm just not interested.
Thank you for talking about this in easy to understand terms of consent! I've dealt with so many people who don't understand ace-ness telling me "Its never a negotiation! No is no!" When I try to explain this premise, and they completely shut me down. They're right, no does mean no! But for someone like me, I'm never "in the mood". So "no" could be all the time if I let it. There are also different levels of "no" for me. I know myself. I'm ace and I'm somewhere between sex neutral and sex repulsed. But my husband is a "regular" allosexual guy, and our marriage is a partnership. If it was only about my needs and was never a negotiation, it wouldn't be fair for him at all. His needs would go completely unrecognized. Both partners have to give a little and understand eachother. So I try really hard to consider what I'm comfortable with at any given time, and what my own needs are, and my husband always respects my boundaries. That's what's important. ♡
This is all great advice
Yeah, I 99% of the time just don’t think about sex stuff as a thing we can even do together. Like it just doesn’t occur to me. So if someone was waiting for me to initiate something as some kind of indication of interest, it’d pretty much never happen. But if something reminds me then I might be up for it. And often I don’t know exactly what I’m up for until we start trying stuff, because in addition to asexuality I also have health issues that can cause joint pain and skin sensitivity so there’s a lot of seeing what happens when we try whatever, is it going to work out or is my skin going to get cranky or a joint start complaining? If that does happen, then do we just stop or do we try something else? Etc.
@@TrappedinSLC Omg yes. Same here! I literally don't even think about it. Months can go by. So my partner is encouraged to engage with me, ask, and be upfront about his needs. Then we work with it. ♡
I'm new to this, but I just realised that having clear boundaries stated and being given a choice with a scale open to negotiation sounds like fulfilling a need I never knew I had before, it's actually very attractive in itself, it'd make me feel safe and appreciated. I know it does sounds a little bit experimental and breaching a subject like this must be hard but it must be so worth it in the end. Thank you for this video ^__^
My pleasure.
This is all the good, safe and healthy ideas about sex communication in one video.
This is an indispensable tool for ace and allo society!
Thank you for this!! I’m 43, and just exploring the possibility that I might be ace. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my partner. Regardless of where I may fall, this video has been so helpful for how I feel about intimacy and how to discuss it with my partner.
hey, i'm allo, in a relationship with an ace person, just wanted to say you're amazing and please keep doing this videos
I will! And thanks for being here
As a greyace, I've been using a variation of the Sexytimes Scale for a while because it's the only way to communicate that, in fact, no one knows what my level of interest will be on any given day, not even me! But I like the way you describe it here so much and that it is reciprocal!
It helps me a lot.
So I've been dealing with understanding my sexuality for bloody years, and only finally came to terms with being Panromantic Grey-Ace last year. I've always had such a complicated relationship with sex and intimacy. My last relationship especially was sort of pushed me to realise I definitely was ace (my ex was very very allosexual). But like, I know I don't hate sex, but it's difficult to express that it fluctuates. This video sort of put a lot of those thoughts into a clear perspective, and the sliding menu thing is incredibly helpful to describe what I've been dealing with. Thank you for making this video!!!
I’m glad you’re here
I don't know how many times I have commented on your videos that I was born far too early. You give me validation and hope for my son or all younger generation. Everything you say are things I have wished were the way it worked in general. Obviously we must understand the process to feel confident about ourselves. Between all of the videos here the ten years since my partner died, I finally am able to accept who I am and feel like other people might get it. So thank you.. again :)
After some time of self-reflection over a couple of years I (recently) came to the conclusion that I'm definitely somewhere on the ace spectrum, and even if that changes nothing for me at this time it's still good to know. My yt recommendations finally did something good, very informative, thanks for helpful advice!! 🌿
Someone asked me what kind of relationship with sex I wanted, I said I actually preferred not being sexual in a relationship with someone. And they laughed saying everybody wants sex and that I'll never find someone like that. Truthfully, I don't care for it.
Like, I don't mind being sexual but.. I just want a relationship where sex is the last goal. Like we can touch each other and etc but I just hate this idea that sex is NEEDED or essential. It DOESNT matter. At the end of the day, if you can't have a relationship without sex, then you cant have any relationship at all.
I think you know what you want and that’s what’s important. Take care!
Did you find someone?
As a 30 yo cis woman I think I found a jewel amongst the sea of youtube... I've spent 15 years of my life people pleasing partners regarding sexuality and just now I feel like I have acquired the neccesary tools to talk about asexuality with a partner and explore what suits MY needs. Thank you for this video, and channel. I will be delving deeper into your content ♥
Glad to be helpful and glad you’re here.
I'm navigating my (newly discovered) asexuality right now, and this video really helps me in my current relationship. We've been pretty much in no man's land and having a sliding sexy scale is awesome. Thank you! :)
I’m so glad it’s helpful!
This channel is amazing. It's so wonderful having such clear actionable advice for a nervous baby ace :) And your manner of delivery is so comforting!
The sliding scale might be the most useful thing I've ever encountered for figuring out my relations with my partners, thank you!
glad it was helpful!
Feel like this is for everyone
(Yeah. Good relationship skills are good relationship skills. But there’s definitely a value in ace folks hearing it directed to them. Representation matters :) )
As someone who found and came out as Ace in 2022, I just found your channel and as someone who, like you, also wavers tremendously between sex-neutral and sex-favorable (to the point where I just say not sex-repulsed); I found this video very helpful as my potential partner might most likely be an allo woman (yes, I’m a heteroromantic ace dude if that’s not clear). Heck, from my beet understanding of your advice, I don’t need to out myself to my partner to apply your advice. Lastly, the menu analogy I found extremely intuitive and helpful
I think this is helpful for anyone and everyone, libidos are rarely matched in any couple, especially at the exact same time, will be using this in my Allo relationship 😊
I'm still discovering myself and my sexuality, but I gotta say I loved when you talked about redefining what a satisfying sex life is to us, because we are unique as individuals. And whatever we want to include or exclude is just fine and still makes it a great sex life for us. Our society tends to generalize and we are conditioned to think that there is a size fits all in everything, witch is false. A satisfying sex life is a whole lot more then just the sex part. For me at list. We are complex beings, with a body, a psysche and a soul. A satisfying intimacy should include all, as they are part of the whole that we are.
This video is excellent. Wow! I'm ace, but even for those who are not asexual they could learn a lot here. How this doesn't have more views is beyond me. I'm not sure what other content is in this channel, but I'm subscribing just for this. Thank you for your clear and concise advice. It is top-tier!
This is life changing advice. Where have you been all my life?! Thank you!!!!
thank you, this has been something my husband and I have struggled in the past and it's causing some strain in our marriage. This is something I'll be discussing with him. I think it's a great tip even for those who aren't asexual.
I'm so glad that i found this video 😭 and your chanel, thank you for sharing your experiences, feelings and tools, thank you for helping everyone in this wonderful community, I am sure it will help me for the rest of my life even though it is still ahead of me 😂
This has been one of the most informative and comforting video i have had the luck of finding. I've recently started to look deeper into my own Outlook and views on my sexuality. This is a great set of tools to consider. Thank you!
These tips are positively invaluable in my opinion, not just for aces but for everyone. It's all about communication and transparency, and that's crucial for any relationship to succeed. Thank you for giving such a comprehensive and easy-to-follow breakdown of how to proceed in this kind of situation.
So I’ve just binged a bunch of your videos… shed a lot of tears (good tears!). Thank you SO much for all of these advice videos, they are such a safe haven! I was wondering if you had any specific advice for me in my situation… I’m 29, married and we have a two-year-old (we’ve been together ten years). I’ve only recently not just figured out, but accepted my asexuality and I have spoken about it with my partner. We’ve attempted some talks at working out what kind of intimacy we would be happy with but it’s basically like how you put it at the start of the video (plus I came at the conversation apologising for my ace-ness….oops) ANYWAY the advice I need is… I am worried we are completely incompatible sexually. But, I love him, he loves me and we have a life and a family together. I feel pressure and guilt that makes me try and do intimate acts that I’m not comfortable with, not present (mentally) for and don’t want to do. But I feel awful because I know my allo partner is already struggling with the lack of sexual intimacy we share. Cuddles and hand-holding is not enough for him… but it is all that I want. We were trying to meet in the middle where I would occasionally do what he wants sexually with him but it’s getting harder for me to do that, especially when he feels I am not into it. Problem is, I will never be into it because I don’t want to do it, but I am happy to do it for him because I love him, but it’s not working because he feels like I’m doing it out of obligation….. which technically I am but what am I supposed to do! I feel trapped in this box. I feel selfish because he’s not getting any kind of sexual action so I feel the want to do it for him but it’s never good enough because he can tell I’m not ‘into’ it, so I have to use a lot of emotional energy to put on this ‘sexy’ attitude that just makes me feel like a fake. I don’t want to lose what we have but what can we do when it feels we are so incompatible sexually? I feel so scared, anxious and alone in this… I want to do what’s best for my child, but also what’s best for my husband and I. But I don’t know what that is and even thinking about it stresses me out so much I want to shut down and just cry. I feel a lot of self-hate because everything else in our relationship works and I love him, I love our life so why is it so hard for me to just give him a goddamn hand job every now and then! Is it unfair of me if I can’t make that compromise? Should I try harder at it? This has turned into a rant… I’m so sorry. If anyone reads all of this I would love your advice…. And again, Ace Dad, thank you so much for your videos - I can’t express how much they are helping me.
Edit: I should add, I used to be more sexually active with him which confuses him a little as he has seen me 'enjoy' sex before. Problem is I was always trying to meet some goddamn quota in my head that would mean I was good enough, and our relationship was good enough to what society says it should be. Since realising my sexuality I've found myself finally feeling at peace in some ways as I no longer think I am broken, however, I also am finding it so much more difficult to try and make myself do any of these things that I used to do now that I understand doing them will never change me, that thing I was waiting to finally click someday isn't going to... I'm not sure how to help my partner understand this without hurting him. I feel like I've unintentionally tricked him into a romantic relationship where I've now come out and changed the parameters of what he expected it would be...
You know, you also deserve to have your needs and boundaries respected and centered here. Not just your husband and your child. You don’t have to see your asexuality as taking something away from your husband. This is who you are. And people aren’t constants - they change over time. And if your husband can’t honor the fact that you’ve evolved as a person and evolved your understanding of yourself, he’s not showing up for you in a way you deserve. You aren’t solely responsible for everyone’s happiness. You aren’t solely responsible to renegotiate the boundaries. You shouldn’t be the only person who has to adapt and embrace change here. Don’t assume that responsibility on your own.
In any long term relationship, people change. So you didn’t trick him. You didn’t lie. You didn’t misrepresent. You just learned more about yourself and it changed what your boundaries might be.
It’s unfair if your husband to not accept you as an asexual person and also say that intimacy isn’t good enough unless you’re “really into it.” Like - you can’t have it both ways, dude. You can’t ignore the fact that your partner is ace.
He’s got to meet you where you are. And work on new boundaries from there. Yeah it’s a change. Yeah it’s difficult. But that’s what you sign up for when you marry someone. If your value as his spouse hinges on whether or not you have sex with him, I’d have some questions about that.
And this takes time. It took my husband and me a while to figure it out. A couple years. It isn’t easy. But you can work at it.
And it helps to be open to non traditional solutions to the problem. My husband and I are polyamorous. That’s one way we make it work. I know that’s not for everyone. But to be open to out of the box solutions to meet everyone’s needs can help.
@@AceDadAdvice Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me and offer all of this advice!! I hope you know how much your channel is helping and supporting people and how much you are appreciated. I will be re-reading these messages to reaffirm my own confidence in myself before the next conversation with my partner! I'm glad you mentioned that you and your partner are polyamorous, that is actually something I have brought up with my partner as I think I would be open to it (I'm sure there will be aspects I will struggle with) however at the moment it's not something he is interested in at all, but who knows what the future holds. Lots more uncomfortable conversations for now I suppose! But they are made so much easier by the tools and advice you are sharing with the world! Thank you again :) :)
I can relate to a lot of what you've said here. My partner and I have been together for most of the last 9 years. She is extremely sexual, and I am some flavor of asexual (perhaps somewhere between sex favorable and neutral, though sometimes I feel averse?). It's been the hardest part of our relationship over the years (I also feel like everything else about our relationship has been great, except for sexual incompatibilities). I relate to what you said about having sex with your husband because you love him and want to please him / meet his needs, but that's often difficult for you to do, and on top of that he only wants sex where both of you are "into it" (which I take to mean sexually aroused). I've been through all of this in my relationship as well. Definitely dealt / dealing with feelings of inadequacy, beating myself up over why I can't just be more sexual with her since I love her so much, etc. We've done similar work to what's described in this video to think about sex and intimacy more broadly, and figure out what we can do together that's mutually fulfilling. It's not as formal as a 3-column menu, but the ideas are the same. For me, this work is all linked up with polyamory. We've been polyamorous for the past year or so, and it's been great for our relationship. I wasn't ready to explore it for years, and we only opened up to it when we were both genuinely ready. I find it easier to advocate for myself in a polyamorous context rather than a monogamous one, because I know my partner has other opportunities to meet certain sexual needs. I also don't feel so much obligation to please her in certain sexual ways, which makes it easier for me to connect with her more authentically (though I'm definitely still working through feelings of obligation and deficiency). I haven't had any other partners yet, but I'm starting to feel ready to try. All that said, I hear that your husband isn't interested in exploring polyamory right now, and perhaps never will be.
I've only recently begun to claim the asexual label for myself, so I'm definitely still figuring it out. It's a hard road, no matter how wonderful your relationship is outside of sex. Really rooting for you over here, whatever your future may bring.
Great video! As someone who has had allo partners in the past and ended up getting hurt and boundaries crossed, this would have been helpful. My current partner is demi, but he doesn't place a huge importance on "the standard menu" and is very accommodating to me, but I think this may be a good idea to open up to some more options instead of just taking the menu off the table
Really helpful- Thankyou. I’ve been worrying about this for a long time
I was actually using the columns in the past before I even knew what asexuality was!
That’s great!
I understand that feeling safe, comfortable, and warm are nessecary.
Yep!
As a newly out Ace, I really appreciate videos like this! Now if I could figure out how to get a partner without apologizing for my asexuality in the first place... 🤔🙂
It’s a journey. Just be patient with yourself. If you work at it you’ll get there!
Thanks, dad 🥺 I really love your videos, they help me a lot with figuring myself out and the validation you give is very reassuring. Thank you, keep it up!
It’s my pleasure. Glad you’re here.
this is a great video, and i think your voice is fantastic for educational videos like these.
im not sure how to describe it, but you genuinely sound like you care about what you talk about and how. you arent intimidating, but you also don’t sound unsure of your words. you also arent infobombing us and using a bunch of unique vocabulary that throws us off.
i think ill be checking out more of your channel.
Wonderful. Thanks for the kind words. And glad you’re here
I am VERY new to this space and have only watched like two of your videos so far but I am already feeling so much better about myself and more empowered. Thank you! Off to watch more 😅
I'm so glad!
I've seen a few of your videos now and they've been helping me understand my asexuality better, thank you for your kindness and gentleness with your approach to these topics.
I have been questioning if I’m on the ace spectrum for years, and I just decided to avoid relationships to avoid confronting that part of myself. But I kind of accidentally stumbled into a relationship with a friend. And I don’t know how to have that conversation with my new partner because I don’t actually know what I want in the relationship yet. Thank you for this.
Grr I once saw a TikTok where a man told a “funny” story about his asexual girlfriend joking around during s*x. He wanted to do it multiple times a day, and she did it for him even though she wasn’t into it. Ace people actually PRAISED their relationship as proof that ace and allo people can have healthy relationships. But I was HORRIFIED. If she isn’t into it, then it’s not consent. She’s doing this every day, sometimes multiple times a day, just because HE feels like it. The jokes are because she’s so nervous and uncomfortable. It’s not cute or funny and to those who related to her, I’m so sorry you’re having that experience. Nobody should feel like they have to do anything sexual unless they’re 100% enthusiastic and sure that it’s what they want to do. If somebody makes you feel like they won’t be happy with you unless you satisfy their sexual “needs” (it’s not a need, sorry), leave them. You deserve better.
Thanks for the videos. I have been listening through all of them today at work. I am not ace myself, but my lovely partner is. We’ve been together nearly 2 years and have been living together for over a year but unfortunately have only recently started communicating better about intimacy. Perhaps some of the ideas in this video will work for us.
Let me know if they help!
No apology you said. That means so much to hear. I don't have to apologize. Thank you for that reminder. The shame is real, just like you said. This helps.
It’s a process. But no apologies for who you are
The bit about treating each encounter as its own was really insightful. helps with the pressure
Thank you for this video. I cried from feeling so seen.
I realized I was ace back in 2011 (has it really been ten years already?), spent a few years trying to force myself to be allo, and have been avoiding getting close to people since because I didn’t know how to handle these conversations and I have A LOT in my no column. It means a lot to hear someone tell me that’s okay.
My pleasure. And I’m really glad you’re here.
I’m an allo dating a sex favorable ace and this is really helpful! Also, would the maybe column include things that you want to do at some time but don’t feel ready for yet? I’m pretty inexperienced and only comfortable with some sex acts right now but there are more that I’m really interested in but seem too intimate for now
Nothing against an extra column to better communicate ❤
Your partner is very lucky to have someone as comprehensive as you. Wish you the best in your relationship.
@@grenade8572 thank you! I’m trying my best to be supportive even if I don’t always understand
Only thing that it could use is maybe a template for common things that usually needs to be put somewhere on the "menu", and then couples could add their own subjects to the menu thst they feel like needs to be adressed
you're awesome really :) I wish we lived in a society where this type of communication was a prerequisite for intimacy rather than this set of unsaid heteronormative, "normal" attitudes towards intimacy and relationships..
I only talk to Aloes when I need their gel for sunburns.
Just kidding lol great video
Can you do an episode or so on squish relationships, what it is/isn't ? It's so rare to have any videos on that topic. It's one of two words used to define an ace type of relationship that's confusing but seems to boarder on friends with maybe benefits and you might do a clear take on it.
I’ll give it a shot!!
@@AceDadAdvice Thanks! It's so confusing as is and there is so little on it!
Such lovely eyes.
Thanks for being a youtube dad to us all.
My pleasure. Glad you’re here
Thank you for all your videos! I've been having a hard time with my SO because we're doing a ldr and it's been stressing me out when he wants to do some intimacy online but I would feel uncomfortable about it. I felt horribly bad for rejecting him, even apologizing for it and I've come to realize, through you, that I don't have to feel sorry at all, that what I'm feeling is valid 🥺
Absolutely! I hope your partner is being supportive
All your talk of menus is making me think of what we'll make for dinner, not what we might be getting up to after the kids go to sleep. Steamed zucchini & carrots with cherry vinaigrette? or curried onions, zucchini, and mushrooms?
Yep. Clear, _specific_ communication is very important in a relationship, on all the topics, really. My partner and I have been a couple for over 25ys now, and were friends a year before that. He's the allo one, I'm the (sex positive within our romantic relationship, repulsed without it) demi.. You have to keep communicating, too, because things change over time. Going back to dinner, peppers are Spouse's favorite vegetable while I dislike them but will eat them sometimes, just because he likes them so much, except for a 9 month period about 10ys ago. During those 9 months Spouse had to either get peppers somewhere else or go without. (Ahh, morning sickness all day)
There are a _few_ areas where one person's needs/preferences flatly overrule the other, but those are things where it affects the one far, far more than the other, like what I needed when I was pregnant ("Dear God, PLEASE eat that sausage where I can't smell it" comes to mind, lol) and what he needs or doesn't need as a visually impaired person. (Many blindies are a bit touchy about their independence and he's one such.) Most of his hard nos that aren't also mine are related to his disability.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff I feel like I am some sort of ace person...intimacy emotionally or sexual seems unnecessary to me but sometimes I do not mind a hand touch or a hug idk...I feel lost but somehow found this channel!
This is some god-tier advice, thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
this video is absolutely incredible. i could honestly cry about it. thank you. this video is so so so important and i am grateful for you and you channel. ❤
Thank you for sharing. I don't know what to think, feel or how I might relate. It was nice to hear how you welcome conversation about intimacy.
This video is full of the most practical advice I've ever received. Your work is so incredibly important! 💜
Thank you so much. Glad you’re here!