Being a Allo married with a Ace who is sex-averse this hits close to home. I agree with your message here. It took 25 years before we finally figured out why my wife feels the way she does (and before we found the language to describe it). Communication and acceptance is key here.
Hello, baby ace here 👋just found out that sexy meant sexually attractive and not just pretty and cool. Am I the only who had a hard time processing that news ?? (Awesome video by the way, what you do is really meaningful and helps a lot)
It’s very hard. When I first discovered I was ace I didn’t want it to be true. Watching/reading a lot of asexual content and getting involved in the community has helped a lot for me! Wishing you the best :)
I feel yah on that I would usually think of sexual terms with a sort of comedic/ironic sentiment so learning that some people are like really into sex shocked me lol
You are not the only one! Similarly when I heard people say "I'd tap that" or "I'd bang that", I thought they just meant, like, "They're very pretty". I didn't think they LITERALLY meant they words they were saying lol!
Thank you for this video. My whole life, I've felt like I had to perform and that doing the act was all that I was good for. I hated myself because I hated what I was having to do. You've made me realize that I can like myself and that I don’t have to allow myself to be forced. It is something that we can discuss and if they aren't willing to talk about the situation to try to meet in the middle, then they probably aren't the right person to be with.
I really liked what you said about how we have to remember that our relationships with allos are more than just sex - companionship in other aspects is valuable too. I'm single and I can happily talk about the devaluation of non sexual relationships- aunt sister friend etc. But I have been stuck thinking that in a romantic relationship I'd be a dead weight when all that talk about other relationships is also true there. A romantic partner has all those aspects to it too and allos value those aspects of you too.
That last line is key. it's so hard for me to believe that allos can value someone lacking sexual availability unless they're super exceptional in other ways
As an aegosexual who likes fantasizing about sex, thinking about it, ,listening to sexual audios, has a dirty mind and is sex curious/ positive I thought I wasn't Ace but the idea of having sex in real life I've realized makes me repulsed and I've worried I might be giving the wrong idea to my future girlfriends but this video helps ease the worry. I also think this is why I find poly women attractive even though I am not poly myself but the fact that she would have other partners to be with is comforting to me in a way.
Polyamory is something that has worked for my relationships, for kinda those reasons. But it’s gotta be something you want for all the other reasons too. :)
@@AceDadAdvice Thanks for replying and advice as a poly ace it great to hear your thoughts, I have been looking into polyamory more lately cause I didn't know that like the Ace scale it also has different levels and that open relationships are different than poly ones.
Thank you so much for these videos! I'm a college-aged ace who is for the first time thinking seriously about pursuing a relationship, and what you said about asexuality not being an automatic dealbreaker until you convince yourself it is one, and the fact that there are more aspects to a person that make them attractive as a partner than just their sexuality really addressed the main concerns I have.
I was in a very similar situation to the question asker: only realized I was asexual and sex-averse once I was already married (though we didn't have kids). I cannot recommend highly enough seeing an ace- and queer-positive couples therapist who can walk you through these difficult conversations. Ultimately, my husband and I decided that marriage was not the right relationship structure for us anymore and we separated, though we are still friends. I now have two allo partners who knew I was ace from the outset, and we've had conversations about boundaries and comfort levels through our whole relationships, and it works very well for us. Best of luck to everyone who is also navigating these difficult waters!
Thank you for another great video! I rarely see people talking about allo - ace (repulsed) relationships. I’m personally ace repulsed and used to think of my asexuality as a negative part of me before I watched your videos. I like how you always put an emphasis on the fact that asexuality is just a part of who I am, and I shouldn’t think I’m less than allos because of it!
Thank you so much for this, I've identified as ace since high school and I just entered my first real relationship with an allo person and I've been struggling a lot with my self image, feeling broken, wanting to be "normal". I nearly cried hearing you say that asexuality isn't an obstacle and realizing that I've been seeing it as one. Thank you so much for all your videos, I've been confused as all hell navigating this relationship and myself but your videos are super comforting and have been helping me come to terms with my sexuality!
I just wanted to add that when you’re thinking about dealbreakers and possibilities and so on, it’s important to keep in mind that those things can change over time and it’s *okay* if they do. Not that you should necessarily plan on them changing, but don’t feel bad if something that used to be a dealbreaker isn’t anymore, or something that used to be okay is now a dealbreaker. I personally find that what I am and am not comfortable with varies a lot based on things like just how I’m feeling about myself in general, how stressed I am, etc. And with things you don’t like, it can help to think about what it is about it that you don’t like specifically, if there is anything. Then when you’re talking you’re better positioned to have effective conversations about “well, what can we do” and “what should we try?” (I’m not saying you should feel obligated to try something you really don’t want to, just that there are a LOT of different ways to interact with someone in a sexual way, and the ways you have been doing things or the ways you expect to do things are probably not the only options out there, and different options are different experiences/sensations/etc. which may be more or less acceptable.)
Your videos about allo/ace relationships are gold! I really like how you're able to put the two sides at the same level and see the situation objectively. I'm allo and I thought my girlfriend was demisexual, but now it turns out she actually never phisically enjoyed having sex, neither with me. Even if we have a great sentimental and romantic connection when we do it, she feels it like a burden. We are trying to figure it out but I have one thought that is triggering me: I love her so so much, and when we have sex I feel amazing and thinking about the possibility of not having that overwhelming feeling again, or drastically reduced, it's hurting me so much. We are open to polyamory but still I feel that I need so much that kind of intimacy with her. I don't really know what to do, now I feel guilty to be aroused when she's close to me...
I hope you’re having conversations about this with each other. You can talk about what that feeling does for you and talk about other ways for you to maybe find that feeling in experiences both can be fully invested in.
I'm allo but I'm watching this vid in case my future partner is ace, so I can understand them better and make our relationship the best as possible for the both of us.
This video is really helpful. I'm sex-repulsed and in my first ace/allo relationship and really struggling with feeling like I'm enough, no matter how many times my partner tells me that I am. I need to remind myself that I'm more than this one aspect of my identity.
I haven't watched the video yet, but I wanna be the first one to comment and to say thank you for discussing such important topics! As someone who had experienced relationships with allo people and had some problems with navigating them sometimes, I look forward to hearing our thoughts on this subject.💟
I’m sex neutral but I’m watching this in case I ever get in a relationship with an allosexual partner. I’d really like to learn how to communicate boundaries, compromises and so on. I have no problem having sex to satisfy my partner, as I’ve done in past relationships, but my issue is usually frequency. 97% of the time, I can think of way better things to do besides having sex. I just don’t want my partner to feel like they’re being deprived. Anyway, wishing luck to all my other fellow aces with your relationships 💜
I clicked on this video as soon as a I saw it, as a sex-repulsed ace in a relationship with an allo for 6.5 years. For a few reasons, between the way society sees no-sex relationships and the way my ex treated me, I've struggled with those exact fears - that my being a monogamous sex-repulsed ace is a barrier to my boyfriend's happiness, and that I should feel guilty for making my boundaries known. (My boyfriend, for the record, has never once treated me that way nor spoken that way. He's well aware of the way my ex treated me, and has always asserted that he's happy to be with me. He's always made it clear that he knew going into the relationship that sex would not be part of it, and that he chooses to stay in the relationship with me.) When you made the point about our asexuality being a feature we bring to the table, rather than a barrier, it echoed a conversation he and I had last year. I'd asked him what he thought about my being asexual, and he said that he doesn't see me and my asexuality as separate things; that to him, he just sees _me_.
Thanks for sharing. My spouse and I have been married for 18 yrs. My wife is Ace and I am Allo. She came out a year ago. I am trying to figure out this out but it has been hard.
Thank you for this. I've been looking for this kind of information, but I haven't been able to find it until now. It's something that has been worrying me since I realized I was ace not too long ago, and sexually repulsed by males. I've been especially worried lately because I've recently developed my first romantic interest, and it's towards a heterosexual male. He feels romantically inclined towards me as well. I want to especially thank you for reminding me that potential partners will love me for every part of me, including my asexuality.
I appreciate this video and all your others so much. I'm married to someone allo, we have a kid, and am still coming to terms with the fact I am asexual, because I am, even though I don't neatly check every box on the official definition. Each video I'm watching is helping me find vocabulary on how to talk to my partner and start to be nicer to myself about it.
Thank you for such an insightful video! I’ve been wanting to try dating again, but have been curious how to approach relationships now that I’ve figured out over the past few years that I identify as ace. As someone who is primarily sex-indifferent, with occasional favorable/aversion cycles, having confidence and language to talk to new potential relationship partners about what I expect and what they expect is super helpful. I always find your content (on TH-cam or TikTok) relevant.
Thank you for this video, it's so true. I could have been quoting me right then in there, because I told my boyfriend before "no your the normal one, I am the one that is werid." Relationships are a learning experience to say the least.
As always, great video, even better message. Did not expect this to hit as hard as it did, but damn. I'm going to need several cups of tea and a few days to process the "It's the obstacle we make it" thing. It's amazing just how much nonsense can manage to live in my head rent free for decades and just fly under the radar. I've never thought of all the other things i brought to the able as "Valueless" But now that i think about it, i have always felt they were mere garnish on an empty plate. (silly me) Guess i'm not a missing steak after all. Turns out i'm a very fancy salad. XD
Ok but for me, sex is always going to be a hard no - no, not now, not ever. And that is going to overshadow all of those "other things," effectively rendering them moot.
First, you’re making an assumption of every other person and cutting off your own ability to explore relationships. What grounds your belief that no one will ever meet you in a relationship at the place you’d like them to? And if those are your personal boundaries, what relationship structures would you be open to in order to honor someone else’s needs if they are willing to honor yours? Really coming to understand how much of our expectations, demands, and “rules” are shaped by normative structures can help us see how much these structures stifle our possibilities. Are you limited by what you want, or are you limited by what you’ve been taught about what you want?
@@AceDadAdvice Well, first of all, I've never met anyone like me, nor have I ever seen anyone like me represented anywhere. There is an ace community where I live, but they aren't Covid-safe so, for now, I opt out (I'm Zero Covid so anyone who interacts with me has to live up to Covid safety standards and they refuse). I'm willing to compromise on everything but sex. I can't stand the thought. It's horrifying to me. If you ask my gynecologist, she'll tell you about my reaction to being handled that way). Ideally, I would be in a relationship that is everything that a romantic relationship is, but without sex. But I don't have any evidence that such thing is a possibility. And to add complication to all of it, I'm only demiromantic (maybe even gray), so it would take me years to accept someone in that context. I have never seen any evidence that someone could wait that long.
@@EsaLena1 That sounds like a wonderful relationship to me. Everything romantic but no sex. So, there is at least one other person who feels that way. However, I am married to an allo person, and after 20 years (and 3 kids), we are still trying to work things out. It's a compromise. I found this video very helpful, and I consider myself lucky that, even without words, I told my partner long before marriage that I had "something wrong with me about sex", and that marrying me would be mostly (but not always) sexless. Note that I married anyways. My partner is a wonderful person, far better and more patient and open than I think I deserve. So even if you don't find your ideal partner, 1) there really are more people like you out there and 2) you can still have a great relationship with someone else who isn't, but please follow @AceDadAdvice on putting your needs out there openly.
Thank you for saying what I think needs to be said more. The video's very thoughtful, but we need frank conversations about what sex-repulsion/aversion are and how to respect *those* boundaries. Yes, there's still compromise possible in the form of open relationships etc. But if an ace person is genuinely repulsed, they *should not* be encouraged to have sex, not even a little bit, not ever. That is a clear violation of the repulsed person's needs and I have great trouble respecting anyone who thinks it's okay to compromise those.
@@Amy3422 I've basically given up. Being sex-averse AND only demiromantic basically means that I have zero options. When I go out in my asexuality shirt, no one says anything...until today at the renaissance festival, when two people actually knew what it meant.
I'm currently experiencing this with my partner. I am femme presenting nb hypersexual, partially due to trauma and she is possibly ace or low libido. She is a trans woman and without disclosing her personal medical history HRT meds do have an affect on libido. Right now I am trying to remove sex from the conversation and navigate my disappointment. I will never cheat or leave her because she is my world and I'd rather die than spend my life without her. We are also both monogamous. I really appreciate your content because I want to marry this woman but I'm also really hard on myself because my initial reaction was despair. I know this journey will be hard on her but I also need to be nice to myself. I think flirting and physical touch will be the most important thing for both of us. She likes physical affection and I need it. Sex is actual only a small factor, I just need reassurance and snuggles.
Hi there!! I am ohh so thankful to have come across you in the spot you did with the wonderful Dr J.Kort! Gen X-er here as well (forever curtsys to Jeneane Garofalo😆) and I am just really making this connection of being Ace. Thank you so much for being such wonderful representation and for sharing your story and advice for all :)
I feel unsure about my sexuality atm (still figuring it out) and I feel like I have to figure it out myself first before I can negotiate with someone else, especially someone I want to date. But I'm already in the process of getting to unite them so I feel a bit rushed to figure it out😅 also, at what point in getting to know someone does one talk about this?
Thanks for another great video. For me, along with dealing with self image, also comes the issue that I, and my husband, feel that I changed the rules part way through. I'm 64 and my husband is 74. We come from a society that says that sex is a woman's duty, and men deserve sex. Whether or not I wanted it was besides the point. Whether or not he can perform also seems to be irrelevant. So not only do I have to have sex, I have to work around his issues. When we married 12 years ago we decided I wouldn't work, and we'd live off of his retirement income. So now I can't just go out and get a job (arthritis and other health issues, along with no recent job experience.) So, basically I'm stuck. I learned of asexuality about 2 years ago, and have always been sex repulsed (but never revealed it.) After long discussions with my husband I've ended up making an arrangement with my husband that we have sex twice a month. (It was looking like it was this or divorce.) For me it totally changed the relationship when I realized this otherwise kind and gentle man is willing to use me for sex knowing I hate it, and knowing I don't have other options. I no longer respect him, and honestly can't wait till I'm free of him. It seems so sad that our 13 year relationship has come to this. I haven't figured out what to do next. I try to keep busy with hobbies and such till a solution emerges.
This is so difficult, I am so sorry you are going through this and that your husband does not respect your boundaries. He has no right to force you to do things he knows you hate! It sucks that you can't get out of the situation at the moment. I really hope things will get better for you in the future 💜
I feel like this could be my wife’s comment. We never had sex before marriage because my wife grew up in purity culture. We got married and to my surprise after a long awaited time for me, we didn’t have sex on our wedding night. This was devastating for me who has always enjoyed sex, with many people regardless of one night fling or relationship. At that time neither of us knew she was ace. About a year ago she found out that other people have the same sexuality and she is ace. We’ve been married five years now with two kids. We’re both struggling and I’ve been incredibly patient sometimes not having sex for 6 months. If I could have sex as much as my my sex drive would have I’d probably have sex nearly everyday, at least several times a week. For me personally I experience sex or even nude cuddles and other forms of physical intimacy as a major way to connect with someone. I think it’s the vulnerability of being in the nude and exploring each others body’s that’s often experienced in a committed relationship. But physical intimacy helps me to open up more emotionally as well due to my trust in being vulnerable. But I do feel as if I’m almost at a breaking point because I don’t feel there is enough compromise and my needs are being ignored. I’ve asked about opening our relationship, but she’s not really into that idea. But I’m also really confused on why.. because she doesn’t really want to or enjoy having sex with me so I don’t understand why she would care if I had consensual sex with other adults. I really don’t know what to do at this point, but with two toddlers I don’t think we can get a divorce. So I basically just sleep in the guest room and share kids with a roommate. I’ve grown resentment towards her and her emotional need’s because I feel like I’ve tried incredibly hard to be understanding but I am not happy having sex every other month on average. I’ve never once been pursued by her which I understand she doesn’t think that way, but I would think if she really cared how this effects me then she would try more. Or at least let me have sex with other people. I’m so unhappy but I feel trapped. The worst part is I love her so much and every day I see her I’m highly attracted to her and I want to have sex with her but she wants nothing to do with it.
Hey there. Thank you for your vulnerability. I know the stuff you’re feeling is challenging. Its important to start with this: your wife’s asexuality isn’t the problem here. The problem is, unintended and without malice, a failure of communication in the relationship about needs, wants, and sexual compatibility. Just as you don’t see your sexual identity as a problem to solve, your wife’s asexuality is also not a problem to solve. All couples have to negotiate discordant sexual drives at some point. So there are two key questions here: is there a compromise that the two of you can make between your two needs/wants and if not, are the other parts of the relationship valuable enough to you to continue on in the relationship? If you can compromise, great. But it sounds like that’s not happening here. So is the relationship worth it to you to continue under the current arrangement? If it is, you can’t hold your wife’s asexuality to blame. You’re deciding to stay in the relationship. If it’s not, you have to do a hard thing. You have to find a relationship that meets the needs you feel are important and to you. All of this is without value judgment. We should be in relationships that honor what we need to be our full selves. But you can’t wish that your wife just gave it up sometimes because you want it. That doesn’t honor her needs. It’s not automatically on her to make compromises for you. And vice versa. Compromise together. Or you have to make harder choices. Maybe unintentional, but under this is a sense that you feel what you want is normal and what she wants isn’t. That’s not ultimately fair. If you don’t want to be in a sexless relationship, you don’t have to be in one. Just as it’s difficult for you to not be your full self, you can’t just ask your wife to not be her full self so that you can keep the parts of the relationship you like and get sex. That’s not fair. And it’s not kind to both of you.
@@AceDadAdvice My wife has a masters and is a lcpc. I’m an eccentric introvert with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I guess my point in mentioning this, is that we’ve both read and learned a lot about sexuality and have been working through this to the best of our ability. She’s already very adept and is a sex positive therapist. With my ASD I dive into a topic and learn every nuance of it and retain it. Although my aptitude for retaining knowledge and learning is fairly high, my emotional intelligence can be questionable at times. For the first few years of our relationship she was under the impression that what she was experiencing was a byproduct of being raised in the church and purity culture. Being told as a child into adulthood that you’re inherently a sinner and your sinful actions will result in an eternal hellfire is very traumatic. But then about a year ago she found creators on tiktok talking about sexuality and ace more specifically. After this revelation she told me and since the both of use have learned a lot about sexuality. In fact I’ve come to realize that I’m more or less pan, and I’m sexually attracted to everyone. My preference is more towards cis women, but I do find all genders sexually attractive to some degree. I’m/we’re 100% aware of the fact sexuality is totally normal no matter what that is for you. I am totally aware that neither of us are broken and need “fixed.” Even with my autism diagnosis I got over a year ago I went through a similar thing. Because I’m 36 and have spent my entire life being told I’m weird I’m different and so on. But understanding that on a neurological level my brain functions differently than a neurotypical person has been really helpful. Even though I still never really feel like I fit into society and often feel like I’m on the outside looking in, at least I know why. My wife has always accepted me for who I am and has been incredibly supportive. Her finally discovering her sexuality as ace, I’ve done the same for her. But definitely before learning about ace and sexuality more broadly it was very difficult. We have actually talked about comprise over the last month or so and come to an agreement that isn’t the frequency that I would like but that’s compromise right? She probably knows I would want to more but I wouldn’t say that until she feels ready for that because I’m trying to honor her and her authentic self. Also she maybe slightly demi and I’m working on doing more things to be more emotionally connected and build on that emotional attraction to hopefully increase physical intimacy. Which is compromise for me because being overly emotionally involved is a challenge for me. And she often gets frustrated with me because of how I communicate. I often don’t understand nuance or understand why people feel what they feel. I generally have to ask for more specificity to understand, and I know that annoys her. But if I don’t then I’ll walk away from a conversation feeling incredibly confused. Anyway with all this said I know that I love her a ton and do want to make things work, and we’re trying to. Our situation is unique because of not knowing this until recently and then me navigating my own neurological uniqueness.
Having sex with an ace can be cold without any passion. Like doing it with a blowup doll. Ofcourse it depends on the person. It can make you feel guilty by having sex and even hate yourself for doing it. I disagree about the culture thing you mentioned in your video's it's more the hormones. I can become agitated , look at other woman and doing all the wrong things like not wanting to be close. I say the wrong things and hate myself for it. I wish there was something I could take to remove that need in me to have sex. I just wanted to let you know how somebody on the other side can feel as I feel you do not fully understand it. I could be wrong ofcourse and I mean no disrespect. Doesn't mean I did not learn anything. So thank you for your video's and helping me understand her more.
I can relate to everything you are going through, especially the dull lifeless sex, because I am in the same situation. You should never feel guilty for wanting sex. You are a man, as I am, with normal sexual desires. Those desires are supposed to be satisfied with your spouse. Like it or not, it is part of the marriage contract. The notion that a person's asexuality is an asset to the relationship is ludicrous. It is a stone-cold liability. You and I know it because we are living it. I'm sure that you love your wife as I love mine but it does put a strain on the marriage. I hope you can work it out with her. I wish you well.
@@user-fw1wd2gb1w Your sexual desires are normal, but so is your wife's asexuality. I appreciate your struggle, as from what you wrote I assume you believed you were marrying an allosexual person and would have what you perceived as a typical straight marriage with a typical sex life. I am sorry it didn't work out that way. I imagine you may feel disappointed, angry or even betrayed, or at least that's how I would feel. I just wanted to say that if you think that your wife's asexuality is a liability, then even if you don't say that straight to her face I am sure it shows and may make her feel guilty and ashamed for something she has no control over. It's not a recipe for a good marriage if you ask me. It's not an asset, it's not a liability, it's just the way she is. Also, you say you don't enjoy sex with your wife, but how does she feel about it? I hope it's something you think about, and I hope she is not sex-repulsed. I hope you can work it out, whether it's by exploring different forms of intimacy, opening up your relationship, or any other way that works for you. It's not easy but it's also not your wife's fault.
@@sigyn27 Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I guess we can agree to disagree that asexuality is normal. You are correct in that I desired a warm, intimate, erotic, playful, enjoyable, sexy and exclusive sex life with the woman I chose to spend my life with. She did not. I am disappointed, I was angry and I may or may not have been betrayed. After we discovered that she was asexual, I asked her if her asexuality strenghtened and enhanced our marriage or did it have a negative impact on it. Her answer was a blank stare. She knew the answer but could not bring herself to say it and yes she does feel guilty about it. It is a stone-cold liability. You are correct. It is not a recipe for a happy marriage which is why I am a big proponent of asexuals seeking out other asexuals for long term relationships. Saves a lot of heartbreak and misery. Sex with an asexual is like a candle. After a period of time it extinguishes itself. My wife has never needed or wanted sex. In many ways she is sex-repulsed. I am very fortunate as a husband because even if she had no desire she never said "No". We do not have sex now and everything is fine as long as I don't try to talk about it.
@@user-fw1wd2gb1w You are right that ideally asexuals would find other asexuals or allosexuals with whom they are sexually compatible (asexuality is a spectrum, so such situations are not uncommon). I believe the problem here is still lack of education /awareness. Many asexual people do not know they are asexual. Especially if you are romantically attracted to the opposite gender, it is easy not to question your sexuality and think you are straight, and believe you are a late bloomer or that things will work out with the right person. That may sadly lead to situations when people have difficult conversations with people they love after marriage, instead of way before getting married. As to my point about asexual people being normal, it is not to suggest that asexuality is common (although I do believe many people who are on the spectrum do not realise it) but to say it is not "abnormal". It is not a health or psychological issue, because if those are the cause then the person is not asexual, and should try getting proper treatment. Similarly to being gay etc., it's just the way you are and should be destigmatized. I believe that would help raising awareness and help having conversations about sex life in the early stages of dating/relationship, instead of having those once you are married and / or deeply invested emotionally. Sorry for a long reply, I wish both you and your wife all the best.
I found out there is still al lot of stuff for me to figure out. I'm in a relationship but after a year i found out I'm ace. I'm going to a poh (in the netherlands between a GP and a psychologist) who is also a sexologist in february, and you have given me a lot of stuff to think about and bring to them about myself I wouldn't have realised myself. So really, from the bottom of my heart thank you! At first i sent you a pm on instagram because i was not ready to share this publicly, but that was probably not the right place. I'm now comfortable to tell you here and to maybe help people look for help if they need it.
And if i could suggest, there may be other people who want to thank you with their story, but are not comfortable sharing it publicly (like me about a week ago) . So maybe it would be nice for those people if there was a place to privately thank you. But anyways thanks for all the great video's!
Being a Allo married with a Ace who is sex-averse this hits close to home. I agree with your message here. It took 25 years before we finally figured out why my wife feels the way she does (and before we found the language to describe it). Communication and acceptance is key here.
Preach, friend.
I wish my partner was as accepting
Hello, baby ace here 👋just found out that sexy meant sexually attractive and not just pretty and cool. Am I the only who had a hard time processing that news ??
(Awesome video by the way, what you do is really meaningful and helps a lot)
Nope. :) I sure was surprised by that information (few years ago) as well. :D
I use "sexy" to describe things that are cool and bold that I assume allos find sexually attractive 😅
It’s very hard. When I first discovered I was ace I didn’t want it to be true. Watching/reading a lot of asexual content and getting involved in the community has helped a lot for me! Wishing you the best :)
I feel yah on that
I would usually think of sexual terms with a sort of comedic/ironic sentiment so learning that some people are like really into sex shocked me lol
You are not the only one! Similarly when I heard people say "I'd tap that" or "I'd bang that", I thought they just meant, like, "They're very pretty". I didn't think they LITERALLY meant they words they were saying lol!
Thank you for this video. My whole life, I've felt like I had to perform and that doing the act was all that I was good for. I hated myself because I hated what I was having to do. You've made me realize that I can like myself and that I don’t have to allow myself to be forced. It is something that we can discuss and if they aren't willing to talk about the situation to try to meet in the middle, then they probably aren't the right person to be with.
Glad to be helpful. And I am glad you’re here.
I really liked what you said about how we have to remember that our relationships with allos are more than just sex - companionship in other aspects is valuable too. I'm single and I can happily talk about the devaluation of non sexual relationships- aunt sister friend etc. But I have been stuck thinking that in a romantic relationship I'd be a dead weight when all that talk about other relationships is also true there. A romantic partner has all those aspects to it too and allos value those aspects of you too.
This is true!
That last line is key. it's so hard for me to believe that allos can value someone lacking sexual availability unless they're super exceptional in other ways
@@radiationshepherd I mean same
As an aegosexual who likes fantasizing about sex, thinking about it, ,listening to sexual audios, has a dirty mind and is sex curious/ positive I thought I wasn't Ace but the idea of having sex in real life I've realized makes me repulsed and I've worried I might be giving the wrong idea to my future girlfriends but this video helps ease the worry. I also think this is why I find poly women attractive even though I am not poly myself but the fact that she would have other partners to be with is comforting to me in a way.
eyyy fellow aegosexual!!
Polyamory is something that has worked for my relationships, for kinda those reasons. But it’s gotta be something you want for all the other reasons too. :)
@@Eggsther Yes! 💞
@@AceDadAdvice Thanks for replying and advice as a poly ace it great to hear your thoughts, I have been looking into polyamory more lately cause I didn't know that like the Ace scale it also has different levels and that open relationships are different than poly ones.
I thought that I recognized you! I saw you on an asmr video
You're advice is so simple (communication and self-acceptance) but so eye-opening. Thx for doing this.
This is it. The most succinct summary of what this amazing advice video is.
💜💜💜
Thanks!
Thank you so much for these videos! I'm a college-aged ace who is for the first time thinking seriously about pursuing a relationship, and what you said about asexuality not being an automatic dealbreaker until you convince yourself it is one, and the fact that there are more aspects to a person that make them attractive as a partner than just their sexuality really addressed the main concerns I have.
I was in a very similar situation to the question asker: only realized I was asexual and sex-averse once I was already married (though we didn't have kids). I cannot recommend highly enough seeing an ace- and queer-positive couples therapist who can walk you through these difficult conversations. Ultimately, my husband and I decided that marriage was not the right relationship structure for us anymore and we separated, though we are still friends. I now have two allo partners who knew I was ace from the outset, and we've had conversations about boundaries and comfort levels through our whole relationships, and it works very well for us. Best of luck to everyone who is also navigating these difficult waters!
This is great advice.
How’d you find a good counselor?
Thank you for another great video! I rarely see people talking about allo - ace (repulsed) relationships. I’m personally ace repulsed and used to think of my asexuality as a negative part of me before I watched your videos. I like how you always put an emphasis on the fact that asexuality is just a part of who I am, and I shouldn’t think I’m less than allos because of it!
My pleasure. Glad you’re here!
Thank you so much for this, I've identified as ace since high school and I just entered my first real relationship with an allo person and I've been struggling a lot with my self image, feeling broken, wanting to be "normal". I nearly cried hearing you say that asexuality isn't an obstacle and realizing that I've been seeing it as one. Thank you so much for all your videos, I've been confused as all hell navigating this relationship and myself but your videos are super comforting and have been helping me come to terms with my sexuality!
I just wanted to add that when you’re thinking about dealbreakers and possibilities and so on, it’s important to keep in mind that those things can change over time and it’s *okay* if they do. Not that you should necessarily plan on them changing, but don’t feel bad if something that used to be a dealbreaker isn’t anymore, or something that used to be okay is now a dealbreaker. I personally find that what I am and am not comfortable with varies a lot based on things like just how I’m feeling about myself in general, how stressed I am, etc. And with things you don’t like, it can help to think about what it is about it that you don’t like specifically, if there is anything. Then when you’re talking you’re better positioned to have effective conversations about “well, what can we do” and “what should we try?” (I’m not saying you should feel obligated to try something you really don’t want to, just that there are a LOT of different ways to interact with someone in a sexual way, and the ways you have been doing things or the ways you expect to do things are probably not the only options out there, and different options are different experiences/sensations/etc. which may be more or less acceptable.)
Absolutely
Your videos about allo/ace relationships are gold! I really like how you're able to put the two sides at the same level and see the situation objectively.
I'm allo and I thought my girlfriend was demisexual, but now it turns out she actually never phisically enjoyed having sex, neither with me. Even if we have a great sentimental and romantic connection when we do it, she feels it like a burden. We are trying to figure it out but I have one thought that is triggering me:
I love her so so much, and when we have sex I feel amazing and thinking about the possibility of not having that overwhelming feeling again, or drastically reduced, it's hurting me so much. We are open to polyamory but still I feel that I need so much that kind of intimacy with her. I don't really know what to do, now I feel guilty to be aroused when she's close to me...
I hope you’re having conversations about this with each other. You can talk about what that feeling does for you and talk about other ways for you to maybe find that feeling in experiences both can be fully invested in.
I'm allo but I'm watching this vid in case my future partner is ace, so I can understand them better and make our relationship the best as possible for the both of us.
Even if I know a lot of those things, it's still very important to hear someone else say it, so I can allow myself to *feel* them too.
Yes. 💜
That’s very kind. And I am glad you’re here.
This video is really helpful. I'm sex-repulsed and in my first ace/allo relationship and really struggling with feeling like I'm enough, no matter how many times my partner tells me that I am. I need to remind myself that I'm more than this one aspect of my identity.
I haven't watched the video yet, but I wanna be the first one to comment and to say thank you for discussing such important topics! As someone who had experienced relationships with allo people and had some problems with navigating them sometimes, I look forward to hearing our thoughts on this subject.💟
Glad you’re here.
Love the emphasis on you both being equals not one with an advantage!
I’m sex neutral but I’m watching this in case I ever get in a relationship with an allosexual partner. I’d really like to learn how to communicate boundaries, compromises and so on. I have no problem having sex to satisfy my partner, as I’ve done in past relationships, but my issue is usually frequency. 97% of the time, I can think of way better things to do besides having sex. I just don’t want my partner to feel like they’re being deprived. Anyway, wishing luck to all my other fellow aces with your relationships 💜
I clicked on this video as soon as a I saw it, as a sex-repulsed ace in a relationship with an allo for 6.5 years. For a few reasons, between the way society sees no-sex relationships and the way my ex treated me, I've struggled with those exact fears - that my being a monogamous sex-repulsed ace is a barrier to my boyfriend's happiness, and that I should feel guilty for making my boundaries known. (My boyfriend, for the record, has never once treated me that way nor spoken that way. He's well aware of the way my ex treated me, and has always asserted that he's happy to be with me. He's always made it clear that he knew going into the relationship that sex would not be part of it, and that he chooses to stay in the relationship with me.)
When you made the point about our asexuality being a feature we bring to the table, rather than a barrier, it echoed a conversation he and I had last year. I'd asked him what he thought about my being asexual, and he said that he doesn't see me and my asexuality as separate things; that to him, he just sees _me_.
I love seeing ace/allo relationship content! I'm allo and my partner is ace, it's so hard to find relationship advice for our specific situation!
I’ve got a book about it coming out in 2024
same!!! they just came out to me as possibly ace and im trying to learn more about it so we can work it out :)
@@jellyfishyy same with me my gf came out to me very recently and i was a bit shocked at first but i’m starting to learn more and educate myself:)
Thanks for sharing. My spouse and I have been married for 18 yrs. My wife is Ace and I am Allo. She came out a year ago. I am trying to figure out this out but it has been hard.
Well this dropped at a weirdly relevant time for myself. Haven't watched yet, but very excited!
I am still struggling with where I fit in but this does help.
Identity is a journey. A lot of us take a while to figure it out.
Thank you for this. I've been looking for this kind of information, but I haven't been able to find it until now. It's something that has been worrying me since I realized I was ace not too long ago, and sexually repulsed by males. I've been especially worried lately because I've recently developed my first romantic interest, and it's towards a heterosexual male. He feels romantically inclined towards me as well.
I want to especially thank you for reminding me that potential partners will love me for every part of me, including my asexuality.
I appreciate this video and all your others so much. I'm married to someone allo, we have a kid, and am still coming to terms with the fact I am asexual, because I am, even though I don't neatly check every box on the official definition. Each video I'm watching is helping me find vocabulary on how to talk to my partner and start to be nicer to myself about it.
I really needed this video, thanks Ace Dad for making such am-ace-ing videos with fantastic advice 😊
Thank you for such an insightful video! I’ve been wanting to try dating again, but have been curious how to approach relationships now that I’ve figured out over the past few years that I identify as ace.
As someone who is primarily sex-indifferent, with occasional favorable/aversion cycles, having confidence and language to talk to new potential relationship partners about what I expect and what they expect is super helpful. I always find your content (on TH-cam or TikTok) relevant.
Thank you for this video, it's so true. I could have been quoting me right then in there, because I told my boyfriend before "no your the normal one, I am the one that is werid." Relationships are a learning experience to say the least.
Thanks ace dad! I really needed the latter part of your video. Time to think about having a very difficult conversation…
My pleasure. You can do it! Glad you’re here.
As always, great video, even better message. Did not expect this to hit as hard as it did, but damn. I'm going to need several cups of tea and a few days to process the "It's the obstacle we make it" thing. It's amazing just how much nonsense can manage to live in my head rent free for decades and just fly under the radar. I've never thought of all the other things i brought to the able as "Valueless" But now that i think about it, i have always felt they were mere garnish on an empty plate. (silly me)
Guess i'm not a missing steak after all. Turns out i'm a very fancy salad. XD
Ok but for me, sex is always going to be a hard no - no, not now, not ever. And that is going to overshadow all of those "other things," effectively rendering them moot.
First, you’re making an assumption of every other person and cutting off your own ability to explore relationships. What grounds your belief that no one will ever meet you in a relationship at the place you’d like them to? And if those are your personal boundaries, what relationship structures would you be open to in order to honor someone else’s needs if they are willing to honor yours?
Really coming to understand how much of our expectations, demands, and “rules” are shaped by normative structures can help us see how much these structures stifle our possibilities. Are you limited by what you want, or are you limited by what you’ve been taught about what you want?
@@AceDadAdvice Well, first of all, I've never met anyone like me, nor have I ever seen anyone like me represented anywhere. There is an ace community where I live, but they aren't Covid-safe so, for now, I opt out (I'm Zero Covid so anyone who interacts with me has to live up to Covid safety standards and they refuse).
I'm willing to compromise on everything but sex. I can't stand the thought. It's horrifying to me. If you ask my gynecologist, she'll tell you about my reaction to being handled that way). Ideally, I would be in a relationship that is everything that a romantic relationship is, but without sex. But I don't have any evidence that such thing is a possibility.
And to add complication to all of it, I'm only demiromantic (maybe even gray), so it would take me years to accept someone in that context. I have never seen any evidence that someone could wait that long.
@@EsaLena1 That sounds like a wonderful relationship to me. Everything romantic but no sex. So, there is at least one other person who feels that way. However, I am married to an allo person, and after 20 years (and 3 kids), we are still trying to work things out. It's a compromise. I found this video very helpful, and I consider myself lucky that, even without words, I told my partner long before marriage that I had "something wrong with me about sex", and that marrying me would be mostly (but not always) sexless. Note that I married anyways. My partner is a wonderful person, far better and more patient and open than I think I deserve. So even if you don't find your ideal partner, 1) there really are more people like you out there and 2) you can still have a great relationship with someone else who isn't, but please follow @AceDadAdvice on putting your needs out there openly.
Thank you for saying what I think needs to be said more. The video's very thoughtful, but we need frank conversations about what sex-repulsion/aversion are and how to respect *those* boundaries. Yes, there's still compromise possible in the form of open relationships etc. But if an ace person is genuinely repulsed, they *should not* be encouraged to have sex, not even a little bit, not ever. That is a clear violation of the repulsed person's needs and I have great trouble respecting anyone who thinks it's okay to compromise those.
@@Amy3422 I've basically given up. Being sex-averse AND only demiromantic basically means that I have zero options. When I go out in my asexuality shirt, no one says anything...until today at the renaissance festival, when two people actually knew what it meant.
I'm currently experiencing this with my partner. I am femme presenting nb hypersexual, partially due to trauma and she is possibly ace or low libido.
She is a trans woman and without disclosing her personal medical history HRT meds do have an affect on libido. Right now I am trying to remove sex from the conversation and navigate my disappointment. I will never cheat or leave her because she is my world and I'd rather die than spend my life without her. We are also both monogamous.
I really appreciate your content because I want to marry this woman but I'm also really hard on myself because my initial reaction was despair. I know this journey will be hard on her but I also need to be nice to myself. I think flirting and physical touch will be the most important thing for both of us. She likes physical affection and I need it. Sex is actual only a small factor, I just need reassurance and snuggles.
This describes me. Only, I realized it 12 years in. Found out 2 days ago.
This is the kind of education I was looking for. Thank you!
Thank you for making this video. Your perspective is inclusive and welcoming ❤
Wow. I have been needing this video.
Thank you.❤
What if I don't know my wants and needs?
Thanks for the great vid as always!!!
Thanks for being here!
man knows his stuff
I've got two allo partners. I have no choice. LOL
Im sex neutral and look forward to openly discussing this with my future partner.
That’s the spirit!
Love the validation.
Hi there!! I am ohh so thankful to have come across you in the spot you did with the wonderful Dr J.Kort! Gen X-er here as well (forever curtsys to Jeneane Garofalo😆) and I am just really making this connection of being Ace. Thank you so much for being such wonderful representation and for sharing your story and advice for all :)
This is such a kind thing to say. Thank you for being here!
This is great advice! Thank you for sharing your wisdom♥
I feel unsure about my sexuality atm (still figuring it out) and I feel like I have to figure it out myself first before I can negotiate with someone else, especially someone I want to date. But I'm already in the process of getting to unite them so I feel a bit rushed to figure it out😅 also, at what point in getting to know someone does one talk about this?
"Obvious" dealbreakers mean I'll be most likely alo...without a partner forever. 🤷🏽♀️ Guess I'll have more time for other purposes
💜💜💜🫂
you are such an an inspiration!
Thanks that’s really kind. Glad you’re here.
@@AceDadAdvice the fact that you took the time to respond to this made my night!
Thanks :)
is it weird to have self-killing feelings as an allo in a relationship with an ace?
Thanks for another great video. For me, along with dealing with self image, also comes the issue that I, and my husband, feel that I changed the rules part way through. I'm 64 and my husband is 74. We come from a society that says that sex is a woman's duty, and men deserve sex. Whether or not I wanted it was besides the point. Whether or not he can perform also seems to be irrelevant. So not only do I have to have sex, I have to work around his issues. When we married 12 years ago we decided I wouldn't work, and we'd live off of his retirement income. So now I can't just go out and get a job (arthritis and other health issues, along with no recent job experience.) So, basically I'm stuck. I learned of asexuality about 2 years ago, and have always been sex repulsed (but never revealed it.) After long discussions with my husband I've ended up making an arrangement with my husband that we have sex twice a month. (It was looking like it was this or divorce.) For me it totally changed the relationship when I realized this otherwise kind and gentle man is willing to use me for sex knowing I hate it, and knowing I don't have other options. I no longer respect him, and honestly can't wait till I'm free of him. It seems so sad that our 13 year relationship has come to this. I haven't figured out what to do next. I try to keep busy with hobbies and such till a solution emerges.
This is so difficult, I am so sorry you are going through this and that your husband does not respect your boundaries. He has no right to force you to do things he knows you hate! It sucks that you can't get out of the situation at the moment.
I really hope things will get better for you in the future 💜
@@travellingturtle9333 thank you so much for your kind words.
I feel like this could be my wife’s comment. We never had sex before marriage because my wife grew up in purity culture. We got married and to my surprise after a long awaited time for me, we didn’t have sex on our wedding night. This was devastating for me who has always enjoyed sex, with many people regardless of one night fling or relationship. At that time neither of us knew she was ace. About a year ago she found out that other people have the same sexuality and she is ace. We’ve been married five years now with two kids. We’re both struggling and I’ve been incredibly patient sometimes not having sex for 6 months. If I could have sex as much as my my sex drive would have I’d probably have sex nearly everyday, at least several times a week. For me personally I experience sex or even nude cuddles and other forms of physical intimacy as a major way to connect with someone. I think it’s the vulnerability of being in the nude and exploring each others body’s that’s often experienced in a committed relationship. But physical intimacy helps me to open up more emotionally as well due to my trust in being vulnerable. But I do feel as if I’m almost at a breaking point because I don’t feel there is enough compromise and my needs are being ignored. I’ve asked about opening our relationship, but she’s not really into that idea. But I’m also really confused on why.. because she doesn’t really want to or enjoy having sex with me so I don’t understand why she would care if I had consensual sex with other adults. I really don’t know what to do at this point, but with two toddlers I don’t think we can get a divorce. So I basically just sleep in the guest room and share kids with a roommate. I’ve grown resentment towards her and her emotional need’s because I feel like I’ve tried incredibly hard to be understanding but I am not happy having sex every other month on average. I’ve never once been pursued by her which I understand she doesn’t think that way, but I would think if she really cared how this effects me then she would try more. Or at least let me have sex with other people. I’m so unhappy but I feel trapped. The worst part is I love her so much and every day I see her I’m highly attracted to her and I want to have sex with her but she wants nothing to do with it.
Hey there. Thank you for your vulnerability. I know the stuff you’re feeling is challenging.
Its important to start with this: your wife’s asexuality isn’t the problem here. The problem is, unintended and without malice, a failure of communication in the relationship about needs, wants, and sexual compatibility. Just as you don’t see your sexual identity as a problem to solve, your wife’s asexuality is also not a problem to solve.
All couples have to negotiate discordant sexual drives at some point. So there are two key questions here: is there a compromise that the two of you can make between your two needs/wants and if not, are the other parts of the relationship valuable enough to you to continue on in the relationship?
If you can compromise, great. But it sounds like that’s not happening here. So is the relationship worth it to you to continue under the current arrangement? If it is, you can’t hold your wife’s asexuality to blame. You’re deciding to stay in the relationship. If it’s not, you have to do a hard thing. You have to find a relationship that meets the needs you feel are important and to you.
All of this is without value judgment. We should be in relationships that honor what we need to be our full selves. But you can’t wish that your wife just gave it up sometimes because you want it. That doesn’t honor her needs. It’s not automatically on her to make compromises for you. And vice versa. Compromise together. Or you have to make harder choices.
Maybe unintentional, but under this is a sense that you feel what you want is normal and what she wants isn’t. That’s not ultimately fair. If you don’t want to be in a sexless relationship, you don’t have to be in one. Just as it’s difficult for you to not be your full self, you can’t just ask your wife to not be her full self so that you can keep the parts of the relationship you like and get sex. That’s not fair. And it’s not kind to both of you.
@@AceDadAdvice My wife has a masters and is a lcpc. I’m an eccentric introvert with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I guess my point in mentioning this, is that we’ve both read and learned a lot about sexuality and have been working through this to the best of our ability. She’s already very adept and is a sex positive therapist. With my ASD I dive into a topic and learn every nuance of it and retain it. Although my aptitude for retaining knowledge and learning is fairly high, my emotional intelligence can be questionable at times. For the first few years of our relationship she was under the impression that what she was experiencing was a byproduct of being raised in the church and purity culture. Being told as a child into adulthood that you’re inherently a sinner and your sinful actions will result in an eternal hellfire is very traumatic. But then about a year ago she found creators on tiktok talking about sexuality and ace more specifically. After this revelation she told me and since the both of use have learned a lot about sexuality. In fact I’ve come to realize that I’m more or less pan, and I’m sexually attracted to everyone. My preference is more towards cis women, but I do find all genders sexually attractive to some degree. I’m/we’re 100% aware of the fact sexuality is totally normal no matter what that is for you. I am totally aware that neither of us are broken and need “fixed.” Even with my autism diagnosis I got over a year ago I went through a similar thing. Because I’m 36 and have spent my entire life being told I’m weird I’m different and so on. But understanding that on a neurological level my brain functions differently than a neurotypical person has been really helpful. Even though I still never really feel like I fit into society and often feel like I’m on the outside looking in, at least I know why. My wife has always accepted me for who I am and has been incredibly supportive. Her finally discovering her sexuality as ace, I’ve done the same for her. But definitely before learning about ace and sexuality more broadly it was very difficult. We have actually talked about comprise over the last month or so and come to an agreement that isn’t the frequency that I would like but that’s compromise right? She probably knows I would want to more but I wouldn’t say that until she feels ready for that because I’m trying to honor her and her authentic self. Also she maybe slightly demi and I’m working on doing more things to be more emotionally connected and build on that emotional attraction to hopefully increase physical intimacy. Which is compromise for me because being overly emotionally involved is a challenge for me. And she often gets frustrated with me because of how I communicate. I often don’t understand nuance or understand why people feel what they feel. I generally have to ask for more specificity to understand, and I know that annoys her. But if I don’t then I’ll walk away from a conversation feeling incredibly confused. Anyway with all this said I know that I love her a ton and do want to make things work, and we’re trying to. Our situation is unique because of not knowing this until recently and then me navigating my own neurological uniqueness.
Having sex with an ace can be cold without any passion. Like doing it with a blowup doll. Ofcourse it depends on the person. It can make you feel guilty by having sex and even hate yourself for doing it. I disagree about the culture thing you mentioned in your video's it's more the hormones. I can become agitated , look at other woman and doing all the wrong things like not wanting to be close. I say the wrong things and hate myself for it. I wish there was something I could take to remove that need in me to have sex. I just wanted to let you know how somebody on the other side can feel as I feel you do not fully understand it. I could be wrong ofcourse and I mean no disrespect. Doesn't mean I did not learn anything. So thank you for your video's and helping me understand her more.
I can relate to everything you are going through, especially the dull lifeless sex, because I am in the same situation. You should never feel guilty for wanting sex. You are a man, as I am, with normal sexual desires. Those desires are supposed to be satisfied with your spouse. Like it or not, it is part of the marriage contract. The notion that a person's asexuality is an asset to the relationship is ludicrous. It is a stone-cold liability. You and I know it because we are living it. I'm sure that you love your wife as I love mine but it does put a strain on the marriage. I hope you can work it out with her. I wish you well.
@@user-fw1wd2gb1w Your sexual desires are normal, but so is your wife's asexuality. I appreciate your struggle, as from what you wrote I assume you believed you were marrying an allosexual person and would have what you perceived as a typical straight marriage with a typical sex life. I am sorry it didn't work out that way. I imagine you may feel disappointed, angry or even betrayed, or at least that's how I would feel. I just wanted to say that if you think that your wife's asexuality is a liability, then even if you don't say that straight to her face I am sure it shows and may make her feel guilty and ashamed for something she has no control over. It's not a recipe for a good marriage if you ask me. It's not an asset, it's not a liability, it's just the way she is. Also, you say you don't enjoy sex with your wife, but how does she feel about it? I hope it's something you think about, and I hope she is not sex-repulsed. I hope you can work it out, whether it's by exploring different forms of intimacy, opening up your relationship, or any other way that works for you. It's not easy but it's also not your wife's fault.
@@sigyn27 Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I guess we can agree to disagree that asexuality is normal. You are correct in that I desired a warm, intimate, erotic, playful, enjoyable, sexy and exclusive sex life with the woman I chose to spend my life with. She did not. I am disappointed, I was angry and I may or may not have been betrayed. After we discovered that she was asexual, I asked her if her asexuality strenghtened and enhanced our marriage or did it have a negative impact on it. Her answer was a blank stare. She knew the answer but could not bring herself to say it and yes she does feel guilty about it. It is a stone-cold liability. You are correct. It is not a recipe for a happy marriage which is why I am a big proponent of asexuals seeking out other asexuals for long term relationships. Saves a lot of heartbreak and misery. Sex with an asexual is like a candle. After a period of time it extinguishes itself. My wife has never needed or wanted sex. In many ways she is sex-repulsed. I am very fortunate as a husband because even if she had no desire she never said "No". We do not have sex now and everything is fine as long as I don't try to talk about it.
@@user-fw1wd2gb1w You are right that ideally asexuals would find other asexuals or allosexuals with whom they are sexually compatible (asexuality is a spectrum, so such situations are not uncommon). I believe the problem here is still lack of education /awareness. Many asexual people do not know they are asexual. Especially if you are romantically attracted to the opposite gender, it is easy not to question your sexuality and think you are straight, and believe you are a late bloomer or that things will work out with the right person. That may sadly lead to situations when people have difficult conversations with people they love after marriage, instead of way before getting married.
As to my point about asexual people being normal, it is not to suggest that asexuality is common (although I do believe many people who are on the spectrum do not realise it) but to say it is not "abnormal". It is not a health or psychological issue, because if those are the cause then the person is not asexual, and should try getting proper treatment. Similarly to being gay etc., it's just the way you are and should be destigmatized. I believe that would help raising awareness and help having conversations about sex life in the early stages of dating/relationship, instead of having those once you are married and / or deeply invested emotionally.
Sorry for a long reply, I wish both you and your wife all the best.
I found out there is still al lot of stuff for me to figure out. I'm in a relationship but after a year i found out I'm ace. I'm going to a poh (in the netherlands between a GP and a psychologist) who is also a sexologist in february, and you have given me a lot of stuff to think about and bring to them about myself I wouldn't have realised myself.
So really, from the bottom of my heart thank you!
At first i sent you a pm on instagram because i was not ready to share this publicly, but that was probably not the right place. I'm now comfortable to tell you here and to maybe help people look for help if they need it.
And if i could suggest, there may be other people who want to thank you with their story, but are not comfortable sharing it publicly (like me about a week ago) . So maybe it would be nice for those people if there was a place to privately thank you. But anyways thanks for all the great video's!