Agreed, in such cases we need to break the puke cycle from the apparent causes of 'motion sickness' especially without puking on ourselves ✌. Added by flavours of virtues, meaning and healthier progress. We feel and think that we were on the rougher roads to nowhere. 🙏
As a life long maritime person, that's a great analogy. Narcs on only happy when they rock the boat. You could fall off and drown and they wouldn't notice or care. They can't stand smooth sailing, calm seas, or anything that aligns with safety. Thank you for this. I was usmm for 4 yrs and lived and worked at sea on supertankers. After that, I became a marine scientist and professional scuba diver for 16 yrs. I did over 10,000 dives with my narc psychopath x and we were on a boat every day together. My perspective of how narcs behave under water and how they act on boats and ships is a unique perspective that I'm incorporating in my novel. I have some very unique experiences and stories to tell.
That's true to a certain point only. Karma changes them. Drugs and alcoholism change them. Repeated abandonment changes them. It's not until malignant narcs fail that they become secondary psychopaths, but if they're also bipolar, borderline, and or antisocial pd, then they reach full psychopathy as a sociopath or psychopath but.... that's the danger point when their suicidal and homicidal but.... cold therapy has had good results. And the techniques are evolving. It's a fairly simple process really. Doesn't necessarily take years either. It's simply about teaching what happened to them as a child and redirecting the trauma and rage to the source and not everyone else in the world. In tarot, it's called breaking the generational curse. Study with Sam Vaknin here on TH-cam. Dr Ramani is very good as well. But Sam is the best in the world. There is hope for some, but not all.
Malignant optimism is a perfect description of what we were doing when still in contact with narc. Malignant hope is another. Should be in the text book.
@@ladydragonrider421 good luck on getting them into therapy when they refuse to take accountability that anything is wrong with them lol.. May I add, they also like their lifestyle, it works for them. No empathy so therefore loads of buzz screwing people over. And all that deviant sex to boot... They like their life. They always reinvent themselves after a downslide, there's always a fool who feels sorry for them...
Oh thats good! Its a hard pill to swalllow but a form of self harm to keep enduring abuse, and abuse back to the perso who is a narc sometimes if you start forcing change on them by emotional manipulation or yelling or excessive anger back. I didn't like the person I became in the end. Yes I was abused. But. Once you know whats really going on, its your responsibility to end it (walk away). Not put more force on the person who won't or can't change.
They can leave those TOXIC, "Radioactive" FLEAS on their Target, too! GAWD, I hate my Nazi bros who $hit on my Golden Years! Such $tupid Narcopaths, they Destroyed their own, in the process!
Or maybe you do! In order to leave victimhood we have to accept our part as a participant in their world and order. It felt good to us in some way, for some reason. That’s not demon possession; that’s familiarity, co-dependency and childhood woundings that are asking for our attention, acceptance and forgiveness. Narcs are a mirror that highlight our inadequacies; we can either try to fill the voids with the narcissistic relationship or become aware of them and address them.
I am at the point of my life realized that I had heavy narcissistic traits too. I am now stopped all the cycle, living alone, face myself and work on myself.
@@RosasResources devastating for sure😊 im in that phase to.I just really dont wanna hurt anyone.I dont want this but im stuck with it.Im tired of making people that love me so much cry everyday cuz of my abusive behavior
There are many types of narcissistic cycles. The cycle I suffered at the hands of a malignant narcissist for many years was: him being civil and kinda nice (never compassionate, intimate, or normal communication), then wanting sex but after that he would tum into a stranger. This went on for 20 years because there weren’t the resources of internet and social media to educate one’s self. Once I learned what was happening with this disordered human being, I abruptly ended it!!!
You know what. My life was very similar for 33 yrs and the worst part about it is you saw it all along, the lack of real empathy, but could never figure out why. In the end, all the pain and suffering you endured, was only an exact a mirror of them. That's the sad part because you never knew the mental torture they lived with, and only knew what they projected at you. It's at this point when you truly forgive them and wish them more love, even though it was love all along that was hurting them. The love you gave was so pure it was the one thing they could never be, and you never knew it. After you're gone, they look for that kind of love and never find it. They can't replace you and it tortures them. Tortures them in the same way of how their mothers never loved them. They want it back, want you back, and even if you forgive, they can't forgive themselves because they don't know how without you. They literally go insane and become suicidal if they can't get your forgiveness. They are loving you from afar, comparing everyone to you. They want to make things right but don't know how and don't have the insight or the courage to ask for forgiveness because it was never something they received as a child. They can't apologize because it would only hurt them more, to admit guilt when they are already filled with guilt and shame they can't admit, because of the pain it causes them. And, even if they try or want to, the fear of rejection and abandonment.... throws the baby out with the bath water. They feel trapped. They can't fix their problems and no one can help them. They hit rock bottom alone and are forced to save themselves, or commit suicide. My x was in court every week for 2 yrs during the divorce. He would not stop attacking me, and has stolen everything. He was constantly in contempt for lying and not obeying court orders, but he would not stop. My woman judge would not allow me to retaliate or hold him accountable, and she was following my lead that my attorneys were not. For example, my x would come to court with demands and bargains. He would only give me something if I gave him something first. I would give it to him, and it was court ordered. But then, day after day, he had more lies and excuses why he couldn't comply. So I would stand up in court and say your honor, I don't want it. That really fucked him up. Soon, as my attorneys kept trying to fight him, my judge fired my attorneys. My attorneys wouldn't listen to me or represent what I told them to do, because they believed holding him accountable was the right way to win. In the end, my judge and me let him take over 3 million in assets and I walked out with nothing. He thought he won. I conceded. He's a very slow moving low vibrational energy, fighting serious addictions first, but I know for a fact that now he is awake and realizes he lost the only thing that really mattered. Me. But during court, I begged everyone to get him help and they said no. That's not what we do. They said, thru very keen observation, it's too late for him. He's too far gone. He's not coming back. His only path from here is prison or death. Love him from afar, and let him go. He can't be saved, but you can be. It was the hardest words I ever had to swallow in my life. To face the fact that the only man I ever loved was on a path of self destruction that no one could stop but himself. By helping him, is only to enable him to never face himself. All of this because I finally tried to leave him because of his violence and abuse. His retaliation at me would be the death of him. It's a karma boomerang. And while I love him from afar, he will only hate me more and more, evermore. He won't talk to me. It's been 4 yrs. For 3 yrs, he was prevented from any contact as I had a DVPO. He wanted me to fail and die. The last thing he wanted was to see me having a happy life. It's the boomerang. What he wished for me is only destroying him. He is sick, dying, broke, and alone. He wants me to come back and apologize and fix everything. He gets in my energy often telepathically. He comes to me in my dreams. The dreams are very significant of how in the past, I always yanked him back into the the right road. But when we came to a cliff, that was the edge of the earth, he tried to pull me off with him. I got free and as he was about to fall, he begged me to reach down one more time, and he tried to pull me over again, then he fell a thousand miles down to his death screaming my name. In the last dream, he came to me in his knees begging and crying to forgive him. I told him I forgave him a long time ago, because God told me the forgiveness lied in him, not me anyhow. My x said I only ask now because I want to die and I need you to please forgive me so I can die. As he was laying there dying, I kept my promise that I would be the one to hold his hand when he died. So I did, and I prayed over him and asked God to show him mercy. So, please realize why they don't have the capacity to fix anything or heal, the only thing you can give is forgiveness and blessings. That's what you always did in the first place, that they never had as a child. They have no hope and no peace unless they know your love was truly unconditional. That is all they ever wanted their entire life and could never be that which you were.
@@AbcDef-xo4pc you have no right to judge anyone!! It’s called a trauma bond!! You must be a narcissist to say some crap like that!! That’s typical blame the victim mentality! Get off this page! This is for survivors to get help not be abused by narcissists some more!!!
I could always tell when I was going to be discarded, by the way he talked and behaved. So, after so many times where he'd manipulated an argument where it would cause me to believe, there came a time where i' had enough of this life. I changed the dynamics and the control and I left while he was out. I HAD COMETE AUTONOMY AT THAT POINT, and I can only imagine the loss of power he felt. I believe I've broken this cycle once and for all, and I feel positive for once. I have control of my own life back. DAY 5 OF NO CONTACT
This video explains the push pull he put me through the first 13 of our premarital years. Being married 10 now he began a cycle a few years ago. He filed twice for divorce in the past 18 months for no authentic reason but now wants to come home and go to couples counseling. My life has been hell the past 18 months let me tell you and I want out. He’s doubling down, being nice, attentive etc. I’m done but I just can’t say the words. Please pray for me to have strength and courage. Thank you for your videos and reading this comment
No. Please listen. To exit at this point is a certain death for him. Do you want that? Here's what you need to do. If he wants to go to counseling, he's sincere in one of two ways. Either he wants to know why he's failed, or he wants to convince the therapist you're the crazy one. So take the bull by the horns. Get a great therapist that knows about CBT therapy and cold therapy. Get a reference from Sam Vaknin, Lisa Ramono, or Dr Ramani if you can. The therapist needs to not be fooled and know up front he's a narcissist, and work with both of you individually, not together. You have a chance I never had in 33 yrs before my x succumbed to serious addictions I didn't see happening. But both of you need to be alcohol and drug free in order for the process to work. You both have to have healthy goals. You're in a soul tie. Neither of you can run from it. You both must learn the process of forgiveness and how to communicate with kindness. His words are just words, but your actions to change both your actions could be life saving for both of you, even if you decide to stay apart. Never abandon someone you love just because they don't know how to love you back. They want you to teach them. You must have patience and create boundaries, rewards, and consequences. Keep in mind you're not dealing with an adult. You're dealing with a child, so do as you would do to a child. A true empath would never abandon or hurt a child. Do not allow the hurt and hate he has for himself to become a reflection of you, and your deed and actions. Always be the bigger person. Always shoulder the weak because you are the stronger one who can shoulder the burdens if you stop thinking that all his actions towards you are about you. They're not. And one other thing I know that a hurt child must learn that you must teach. And that is to learn to laugh at themselves. To laugh in the face of adversity and pain. Laughter is one of the best remedies. Always smile back. Think about this. The 3 yr old screaming in a store to get a toy. What do you do? Do you bargain with him and so no, you have toys at home? Do you tell him he has enough toys or that you can't afford another toy? Do you tell him to stop crying or he's going to be punished? No! You compliment the child. You point out their beautiful eyes, how they match his shirt. You smile at them and they will stop crying and smile back. Laugh, and they'll laugh too. You trigger them. They are mirroring you, and the shopping trips from hell in a sea of confusion in Walmart. My mother had a great way of making me behave in a store when I was little. Before we went into the store she would tell me if I was good, I would get a treat. If I misbehaved, I would have to sit and wait in the car alone. Once she sent me to go sit in the car and I accidentally got in the wrong car and she couldn't find me lol. 50 yrs later, she wrote me a letter to tell me I was always an angel in stores. But it wasn't me. It was the boundaries mom set. I was aware of them and the choice to be good or bad was my own. Always give choices and consequences and let them choose. Don't be the mother who ruled with an iron fist, who never told the child what was expected and what was not. Let them pick. You'll see a much different person if you let them have their own domain to create the destiny they want. The core principle is that you have to give in order to receive. What you do, is what comes back to you. You cannot get anything that you don't give first.
@@ladydragonrider421 I have done the things you suggest. I’m not his mother. He’s a boy in a man’s body. Fully functioning in other ways as a man would but unable (unable!) and unwilling in truth to actually participate in counseling. Your instruction is not lost on me but I’m needing to love myself too. I need to live as an adult woman not nurse him along like he’s in preschool. He chose to do the things he’s done. He can be what and who he is but he decided to hurt me numerous times without consideration for my pain. He’s toying with me now. Playing all the games he needs to to keep me under control even though he left me. He creates the chaos in my life then comes in on a charger of deception to “save the day” once again. I’m not a young woman anymore. I have allowed him to rob me of my happiness and my health. I have forgiven him however, Forgiveness doesn’t guarantee reconciliation. Thank you for your kind comment.
@@ladydragonrider421 I read some of your other comments regarding regret etc. You speak of satan possibly controlling my husband…I believe you are right. He claims he’s a Christian and yet he continues the mind games and other behaviors to hurt me continuously I am a Christian and I have with Gods help been accepting and forgiving at every turn of the screw. You are a well meaning individual but why would you counsel me to stay in an abuse relationship with a demon in a meat suit? Please do not respond to me further. Thank you.
How did you do it? I'm 20 years in. He doesn't want me anymore and it hurts, berfore he will take 2 to 5 days not talking to me and then he will love me so much. But now It's been 2 weeks of silent treatment and it's driving me insane, I know he doesn't love because our relationship has deteriorated for the last 3 years. But I'm in the cycle of trying to fix it and he just rejected me. I want this to end because it stress me so much, he wont leave but he wants me to leave. I feel lonely and unhappy. 😔
@@chulaalways5097 it’s a trauma bond… he will discard you, he probably has someone else, messaging, seeing them, then they come back love bombing you and trying to Hoover you, back…. They know you’re probably vulnerable! …. No contact whatsoever, no matter how much you love n miss them… it’s hard but keep away, they’re dangerous… sending hugs 🤗
@chula always you cant fix it. The problem is his and he'll resent you for it. I tried for 4 years to fix something I realize now, wasn't mine to fix. I was trying to fix something that I had no idea what i was trying to salvage. Its so much better to get out and take care of yourself. Scary yes, but its so much better.
@@chulaalways5097 I totally get you! I really wish you strength and god should give you a good partner you deserve. I’m going trough difficult times too.. Take good care!
Amen to that! I am a living witness. I’m about to enter year 20 of marriage and almost 22 total. I have truly let go and let God. It’s been a long time coming.🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I'm so sorry Amber.... You are valued and loved by me if no one else.... Because I know exactly how it feels.... 💖💖 My heart goes out to you dear one. 🌈🙏🙏🌈
They might be frustrated with the cycle ( people leaving them)but they don't want to be honest with themselves, so the cycle repeats.. that was a good point!
This example of cycle seems like a longer or general version of what is or could be a Narcissist Cycle. I suppose it's putting the interupters in on a more regular basis that entices change to eventual break out of 'the cycle' while still maintaining healthy momentum in life. 🙏
My husband rages out and said here goes the cycle again. He blames me for the cycle. If she didn’t express her hurt feelings that I caused there would be no cycle.
I was blamed for the cycle as well! The Narc said to me,"I don't know why but every now and then you have these cycles and I tolerate them!" He NEVER, not once, ever considered it had anything to do with his behavior or the things he said.... even if I explained it. Explaining meant nothing. The Narc was always a Saint. On a few occasions I got him to admit to his lies... one time he admitted to being snotty and hateful. I asked him if that was fair to me and he replied "No." Then he went right back to being snotty and hateful after just admitting it was inappropriate or at least unfair. Another time he was raging and "assuming" what I thought. So I flat out asked,"Do you REALLY think, that is what Im doing right now, trying to hurt YOU?" To which he paused, floundered a bit, and said, "No, I don't really think you're trying to hurt me. Im just really tired and I can't tolerate anything right now." There were small moments when this person could touch reality but it never changed the big picture overall. I think when he fully raged he was blind, deaf, and dumb... and I think he has some realization of how bad it was... but much later after the fact... and he could not maturely address or reconcile such things.
@@ammj6202 yes, my husband has moments of clarity. I’ll say you criticize everything I like or do well. You don’t compliment me. You said my cup has a imperfection on it. He said yeah but I said it was nice first. I said that is a back handed compliment. It was a cup I was making from scratch. He says he has tons of problems and issue. Anger issues, and avoidant. Won’t do anything about them though. Refuses to go back to therapy. I have to divorce him. His actions are all my fault cause I made him do it.
@@stormycraig6133 Oh yeah, this guy admits he has issues too. He has done some things in his past that he is ashamed of...but somehow he is perfect and incapable of doing horrible things in the present. It will probably take him ten years to realize he has something to be ashamed of "today". In one year he has had so many people leave him (and if you ask these people, they have a terrible or sad story to say about this Narc). Now Im added to the list. How many good people have to be kicked to the curb before the Narc realizes he is the common denominator in all these problems? Granted there are people who enable his behavior or make excuses for him... which helps nothing but make more victims.
That is called blame shifting, a severe form of gas lighting, as a narc can never take accountability for their own actions. It is endless and it will overwhelm you and escalate into a severe form of hate and rejection they have for you, but you wont see it....not until there is a gun in your face, they kill your cat, or try to poison you, and they steal everything from you that you love and value. Divorcing a narc is the hardest thing in life you will ever do - and you must - but it takes very special training to know how. I didnt have that when I had to run, and my attorneys did all the wrong thing and almost got me killed. My woman judge even went so far as to fire my attorneys because they wanted to fight and they were driving him harder to have me killed. My x paid people to destroy my life in every way possible and even tried to hire people to have me killed. That is exactly how far a narc will go to never be accountable. The only way to get out, and I know it sounds impossible, but its with careful secret planning. You must create the opportunity to escape, and take everything you want when you leave, and really fast. Then disappear and go no contact forever. For me, I had to go no contact with everyone Ive ever known because he contacted every person Ive ever known and threatened to kill them if they helped me in any way. My x was not capable of doing this on his own. In his deranged mind, he thought that when I left, that I was going to do all kinds of horrible things to him - because thats how he thinks. He found tons of flying monkeys, lied to everyone, that I was out to steal everything and kill him- as they project everything they are going to do onto you. I strongly urge you to start studying with Sam Vaknin here on TH-cam. Go back in his video library and learn what mommy splitting is. Any person who is emotionally unregulated long term is severely mentally ill- their cognitive functions never developed past age 8. It cannot be changed. It is actual brain damage caused by the brain having been flooded with cortisol as a baby.
@@stormycraig6133 very typical narc excuses to never take accountability - but stop talking to him. Just be your normal self, be nice, dont let on anything is wrong. Do not defend yourself. Just say ok, I see what youre saying. Be agreeable. Plan your escape quietly and secretly.
The “Love Bomb - Devalue - Discard” cycle the narcissist puts their victim through is a staggering and destructive experience to undergo. My narcissistic wife of 32 years and her mother often put me through a crazy cycle and would pretend they did nothing wrong at all. The played the Bambi role masterfully. Couple’s therapy was pointless, since my ex was superb at manipulating people; therapist, children, relatives and so on. I was made to look crazy and mentally ill, especially when she gaslighted me constantly.
“The Bambi Role.” TY, I’ve struggled with what to call what you’ve likely talking about (doe eyed, feigned innocence, baby or cutie voice, Madonna /child facial expressions). Bambi Role sums it up nicely.
Thirty years here and only for channels like these I would be stuck. In the middle of leaving process. My beautiful son took his own life because of his dads erratic alcoholism as he was a super empath and we have all suffered abuse for years. I’ve endured cycle after cycle and the worst loss anyone could suffer but at least I’m finally ending this cycle of hell.
Thank you Ben Taylor. This makes a lot of sense. This is the reason I affectionately refer to you as one of my top four Professors on you tube about learning to spot the signs of narcissism and healing from it.
I really appreciate how you give tangible advice on how to recover and grow from these situations. It’s pretty easy in the narc-awareness community to get emotional and focus on the pain of the past. But moving forward is what we really want, so thanks for ending these talks on a note of empowerment 💛
Great comment. I have had difficulty getting over the betrayal and actions since then. Thank you for emphasizing the need to move on. You have empowered me. 😊
Thank you. I am healing and basically I lost my best years to a narcissist. I knew something was wrong but a lot it it I simply blamed on his alcoholism. He has zero accountability for all the pain he has caused especially to his wife ( who he convinced me he was devoriced from….. and he was but they continued to live only a block away and raise their children and grandchildren ). I told him about a year ago that he was a narcissist because that was when a friend introduced me the beginning of these discussions on line. I watched them say and night. I have been in therapy for the damage it has done to be with all the future faking, in and out, ghosting and showing back up with only saying when I tried to have discussions… that was then this is now. Devaluation, the love-bombing. I suspect my narc is also a masogimist and on the DL. Yes, Ben and others it’s been a wild ride for close to ten years but I finally worked out of my trauma-bond and went NO CONTACT. Thank you for speaking out and I’ve subscribed to your channel.
They get there supply from men or women I call them try sexual, they don’t know who they are while living in fantasy that they are Gods because they are playing a game that your not aware of (There little secrets) even the one hosting this pod cast if he is truly a Narc
Yes mine went on 40 years & it wasn't until he passed away that I started hearing about this. My whole life was wasted with someone who probably never really love me at all. I thought he did by staying that showed me he cared* oops he wasn't normal! & Yes I blamed all the bad on his drinking & drug usage. Finally in our last few years I could feel there was something going on, as in probably another woman. He told me I was getting old & he wasn't happy* Just when I was counting on the rest of our lives being more peaceful & slow paced* I have been alone a year now & still can't stop going over our life together in my mind* I really loved him. This is all so sad* God Bless you on your journey*
The contact list in his phone was sick. He names men woman, woman men and doesn't believe in the delete button EVER!. He had over 100 contacts while we were married and he was just an average guy
your comment sent chills down my spine! other than the married part.. im dealing with that now. he asked me the other day what did women find attractive about a guy? to which I said... honesty/trust #1.
He said to me "oh come on you don't have a book of people to call up for sex when you're single?" And I was like...yeah no I don't keep numbers just in case we don't work out. Also I think most of his were for hire :/
I think the # of ppl they "have" gives them a BOOST in their need for supply. Like look how many ppl I know/are in contact with/like me. Like my narc, he has Every Single Alert Notification on in his phone (even junk notifications - you know, the 1's ppl usually don't care about) - And has most to "repeat" alerts which go off every two frickin minutes. This is used to remind ppl to respond. But I feel mine uses this to show others how many ppl "need" him bc his phone is always blowing up (& Never stops!!) It's like he thinks that ppl think each notification is a new notification (not a repeat notification going off every two minutes for AN HOUR!!!) He then LOUDLY B***hes about his phone blowing up ("WHO'S Calling me NOW??!!! Can't I EVER be left ALONE??!!", etc.); causing even MORE attention to him (with an ever so slight smirk on his face @ times). I know, that I know, that I know he uses this as another form of supply along with the added benefit/boost in supply of showing everyone else "how important he is" and "how much - & how many - "OTHER" ppl need him" (while he runs off & takes care of these "other" ppl & leaves his responsibilities to his disabled wife as if they don't exist!! (News Flash: they DON'T exist - to HIM!! & he finds yet another BOOST in that too - Dominance & Control!!) SICK, Sick ppl!!!
This is my 3rd cycle with my wife of 27 years. I just realized what was going on 2 months ago at the hight of the 3rd cycle. Vulnerable npd. I'm stuck now. I have no choice but try to get her behavior. She has had the first therapy session and seems to agreeing, owning and accepting her behaviors. At this point, I'm secure, but our 6 year old daughter needs a stable parent. Hope for the best, but expect the worse.
There's one thing you must realize. The only reason she will ever keep coming back is for her, not you. Her lack of. In this cycle, you will always fail to cure her of what she lacks and each time, your mental state will get worse and you will never be free of the drama and agitation. You are codependent on that that comes from your childhood, or your need to always fix or please others. Empaths, we see this as an admirable trait, but, when you become selfless, as you have time and time again, you're sacrificing your healthy ego for the need for true happiness that can never be found when you give and it doesn't come back. Fucking narcissists are smart as fuck. They know this about you. They know you have an internal need to help and make things better but my God my dear, smack yourself in the head and realize it's self defeating, for you and your daughter. The only reason she wants to come back is because she failed at destroying you before. She cannot be you and her desire is to consume you, engulf you, so that she becomes you and you disappear. And in this desperate pursuit to obtain a core ego, if it means poisoning you and killing you, that is what they evolve into. They are masters of manipulation, especially when it comes to therapists. I guarantee at the end of your sessions, it will all be turned around to be perceived as the problem is with you, not giving enough. Not being sensitive enough to her feelings. You'll be gas lighted so deep you won't be able to see the light of day. You said it yourself. 3rd cycle. I'm amazed your still alive and she hasn't already convinced you that you need to kill yourself. You need alot more time for you, to study. I highly recommend Dr Ramani and Sam Vaknin on TH-cam. Listen every day for at least 3 hrs before you make any decisions to do anything. Please listen to these words of mine. I went thru it for 33 yrs and was forced by that state to run and barely got out with my life. He hired people to have me killed if I ever tried to leave or take anything. When I realized what was going on, I walked into court after 3 yrs of things he was doing that cost the lives and well being of people in my family, and screamed this is over ! Give him everything! I gave him over 3 million in assets and i considered it the price to buy my freedom. He was going to have me killed if i didn't give him everything. I'm serious. Not everyone in my situation got out alive. I'm writing a book about it to tell all just how bad it can get if you think you can do anything for them. They don't get better. They get worse. You'll be begging God to save you and kill you at the same time. Protect yourself and your daughter and do not fall into the same trap again. Give yourself more time. You need to separate and individuate. Your happiness does not rely on her. Trust me when I say, I am totally free and happy like never before. I will live or die by my right to live my life for me.
Thank you Ben. It’s very enlightening to hear how early your cycle developed. You are very kind to share it, and very courageous to do the work of growth. You are helping millions of people on both sides of the abuse.
That was a really measured and honest description of the cycle that narcissists go through. Are you slightly lower on the narcissistic scale or are you able to think like this because of your counselling? The reason I ask is that a lot of people who are in a relationship with a narcissist will not be experiencing the level of honesty that you are displaying - even when they are in counselling. Did you really WANT to change - is that the difference?
Even 'high level' narcissistic people have relevant amounts of intelligence and make can make very effective conciencious decisions. The more that come to some level of greater awareness does everyone a favour no matter how it might seem a miracle. But I get your point, it's hard work to turn inwards on admissions that have always seem by projection and blame to be in creation to and for blame to a secondary party. It's a challenge for anyone to admit what is impinging their own self-wealth and personal identity as it would be in effect an ability by option to improve and strive through life. Demand worthiness by volition and through self accord, harmonizing ones own free agency. 🙏
A narcissist has to want the change. And has to get to a place where they will cut the lies and get to honesty. 30+ years of my life were all based on lies. I had to make a change because what I was doing wasn’t working. I learned about a lot of my lies through www.wakeupwarriorchallenge.com
Exactly. It's a self love deficit and fear of being rejected. Need to heal from the truama wound that caused the root of rejection, causing control and manipulation, need to work on loving and validating yourself.
Thank you Ben for sharing this with us! I've often wondered about cycles bc he sure seemed to have them, from outright raging behavior (over nothing), false accusations against me, smearing me, spending ALL his spare time with others & leaving me at home alone & ignoring me in every aspect, to "trying" his absolute best to be nice (ie: normal) to me - which raises my suspicions even more - like "WTF is up with you?? Why are you trying to be normal to/with me??" It really makes you stop & take notice when they start treating you normal - as crazy as that sounds... So yeah, I've definitely seen cycles to his behavior. I've always wondered what's going on in his head when the "normal" cycles appear - is he feeling guilty? Is he trying to change?? - then I LMAO🤣 the next second for being so naive!! I didn't know exactly what was going on but now I do. Thx Ben!👍💜
Ok, so, i am vary happy I've found the actual counterpart for narc victims that confesses online. I am very, no extremely probably a narc, I tick every element and even this cycle you're talking about is the story of my life, apart from the mariage thing. It's funny how since i was a kid i used to say 'I don't wanna get married', turned out i was already thinking soon enough, well that's such a pain to go through divorce and shit cause eventually we/ I ll get bored of eachother. I found a man I just loved so much, but I have idealized him so much, but it eventually we grew into a strong friendship - that thanks to years and years of therapy that helped me go through my agressive moments, but also because I had my dad as an example of what i didn't want to be. But, I never realized narcissism was my problem. I knew I had some strong self esteem, some charisma, some egocentric attitude, but only lately I connected the dots and realized I just didn't go past this cycle, past what I thought was a fase in my life. I'm into the phase of breaking the cycle, but I still feel like having a relationship. How do i NOT mess it up again ? I can be the most honest person you know... I can look in people's eyes and say 'I'm a narcissist piece of sh*t'. But what do I do then ? I feel like I should avoid relationships cause I don't feel the need of one but my mind works like a radar. Id find a dude that I might be very fond of, and I'd really try to control my impulses, but it's so much stronger than me and eventually I'd get controlling, manipulative. I actually don't know any other way ! I grew with the example of a narcissist father. I know what is wrong but don't know what is right... and the the middleway sometimes is just a lack of substitute for my negative emotions. How do I feel the void. How did you do it ?
I appreciate your honesty. I don't have hope for the people I have delt with that are narcissistic, but it's really nice to know that some people can become more self aware.
I think the only reason,why it could help to tell them,you feeling they are narcissists,because since they are,they can t deal with the truth,how you figured them out and they gonna run,because it s easier,than facing with themselves...That s what happened with me,the day I got soo frustrated and told my husband,I think he have problems(that time unfortunately didn t see these videos) was the day he moved out.Which was hurting me than,but since I went therapy and since I m watching these videos,my perception completely changed and I m soo glad,he choosed to leave me.Since then I m in peace,sleeping through every night(what didn t happened once when we lived together-sleep deprivation) and now when I see his pics on my screensaver,I m just changing the channel.These videos here completely changed my life and forever grateful for you to been enough strong to share these things with us.Literally saved my sanity.
To be honest, do you actually "love" anyone, including your wife? My impression is they love only the supply that's provided, supply helping to bring in MONEY, paying rent, bills for them, etc. They love the USE VALUE of people. They don't love people.
Once you learn to surf their cycles, you can time your departure to have you coasting peacefully towards the beach, while they look for you in the depths.
So validating ♥️ well done you. Explains alot. My pattern is trying to fix them. I'm a recovering codependent. So I'm at a point in therapy were I'm breaking my cycle. I could always tell something was off but with people like you teaching us and giving us knowledge it makes sense. Youv basically validated what I suspected.
Hey, glad to hear! I just got divorced and left my narcissistic husband. I think I have codependency issue, after I observed my behaviour. I felt drained in the relationship, basically doing everything with zero effort from his side. I try to rescue everyone and In the middle I lose my identity. I want to break this cycle with the help of a therapist. I have been searching for a good therapist! I hope I find one soon! I live in Toronto Canada
My husband ex is a narcissist. And I never understood why she lies when there was absolutely no need for it. Or abandoned her children whenever she felt like it. Or made it seem like her exs were monsters but was cheating with them. I had a fear for a long time that she would mess up my marriage and hurt my kids in the process. I decided to seek therapy & I’ve learned so so much . I am learning to not allow her manipulative behavior to overpower my emotions. I took my power back. But, sometimes it’s challenging
Hey; great content. You are one of the few people, who admits being a narcissist and has chosen to do the work. I have met many, none have admitted who they are. I married a woman who was from a cluster of narcissists (over 30+) in her family. I was like chicken in the den of foxes for years.
I think its great that something said to you 20 years ago, came back and inspired a hard shifting of gears. That memory meant something. Or it was a strong catalyst worthy enough to mention here in the video. At least from my viewing of all these videos on Narcissism- it pretty much paints a horrible picture that NO ONE in a narcissists life is considered real- you're a pawn, an appliance, supply, light, mirror- anything but an individual with your own feelings, thoughts etc. They say when the Narc looks at you they are looking for their reflection of what they want to see- and if you don't reflect back what the narc desires- they then see the parts of themselves that they hate. In response they burn an effigy of themselves through rage and discard of that mirror/person. From anyone's perspective, no one really knows how they are remembered. Or what is remembered. What I find good in your case however is that someone of their own thoughts and feelings, said something that was worthy enough to be heard, that helped you change later in life. I don't know if that makes them more than a pawn or a mirror... but maybe it does.
I have to say man...i really admire your honesty as I'm just out of a narcissistic relationship..once my boundaries came up she cheated...your showing great integrity in your videos to btw..regards from Ireland!
Once I mentioned to him I felt like things would go well for a few days then we would argue like a cycle. Oddly, shortly after that conversation he approached me one morning saying we get along for 3 days before we fight. I agreed. But I never mentioned a specific timeline. When I made the initial comment I had recognized his patterns and behaviors and wanted to somehow see if he saw it too.
I'm trying to figure out if you were really a narcissist or if you just had narcissistic tendencies coupled with another disorder. Only because you felt remorse and wanted to change. Real narcissists don't see anything wrong with their behavior.
@@TrishaLynn2024 That's not true, people with NPD can change. A PubMed study shows that 53% of Narcissists were in remission after 2 years of therapy. I assume the other 47% just needed more time, since they were obviously committed enough to stick it out for 2 years. The most effective treatment for NPD is Schema Therapy. A good book by Wendy T Behary, LCSW, "Disarming The Narcissist," explains Schema Therapy & how to use leverage & incentives to get a Narcissist into therapy & keep them working towards change. I used my monthly credit to get it for free on Audible so I could listen to it in my car.
Real Narcissists can become aware of their disorder & their need to change. Wendy T Behary, LCSW, explains in her book "Disarming The Narcissist" how to use leverage & incentives to get a Narcissist into Schema Therapy, which is the most effective treatment for NPD and other personality disorders. Narcissists often enter therapy on their own for other problems, like depression or anxiety. There are too many myths on social media. NPD & other Cluster B Personality Disorders are highly treatable, but it's important to find a therapist who knows how to do it successfully; & the best are Schema Therapists.
This clarifies things, thank you. My ex began cultivating her emotional supply with her FWB near the end of her last relationship, and she did the same with me when we were on our way out (with the same FWB). She clearly doesn't see anything wrong with it, it's just how she knows to operate. It turned my anger to pity, as I can see that she's not happy unless she can have someone else to fill that void inside of her.
You are very detailed in your descriptions! I love it. You are doing so good! I wish my 62 year old ex would. Thank you so much for teaching us! I may just need a one on one with you. I’ve been so abused I could write a book. From the justice system to permanent damage to my spine. Your support and being self aware and helping yourself is something I’m so proud of guys like you are doing here. Much ❤️
So painful all the years kept wondering what I was doing wrong and trying to fix things. Thx to your posts finally see what I’ve been dealing with. Now how do I break free ….
Thanks very much for being so open and acknowledging that you were narcissist ✔️, it will help a lot of relationships,. And those who are struggling with these traits,.
Ben have you ever met narcs who are so grandiose that their stories are way over the top? I know of 3 ppl who are narcs and they like to tell ppl that they are affiliated with the mafia.
Omg, this was mine. He told me he was a "ghost" in the Mongols motorcycle gang, but he paid his way out of it. I can't believe I believed him, but I did. Such a liar and found out he was just an insecure person deep down and wanted to find a way to scare me so I wouldn't leave.
My ex narc goes in cycles… with a chick 3 to 6 months but did it just as you said!! DAYUM!!! And he repeats the cycle with the same chicks if they are available or if a new supply exists!
"I go in and out of people's lives" is what he said. So I asked him if he wanted to stay (in peoples life) or go ... he had to think deeply for a moment .. and he said "Neither". "Its complicated". And we dropped the conversation. I was trying to understand him. ~ And that was before I found out about narcissism. So to a degree he might of been self aware?
How can so many people support them,even if they smear you,discredit you,still people will participate in abuse,and tormenting they love to ridicule,strangers act like they hate you,so many support this. Is the world becoming more narcissistic?
Hey did I really appreciate your honesty it takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to be open and whatever it is that you're going through and allowing other people to know you the real you it's going to have a ripple effect and you're gonna help a lot of people you gotta give yourself some credit taking that step not step allowing yourself to be open and invulnerable I don't judge at all. I've been married to Too narcissist and I can't tell you how difficult it is I'm gonna need a lot of counselingAnd oddly enough maybe one day I can bump into you I'd love to talk to you
OMG the cycle was predictable after a couple years. It was every two weeks, good then rage rolled in. Being available to totally being discarded. The arguments that made no sense at all! It was a emotional rollercoaster for 7 years. I escaped (4 years ago) and and still recovering. It was horrible
I experienced all of this with my ex. Everytime we would have a argument he would start communicating with other people. He would go onto a rage out of nowhere. Then wake up the next day like nothing happened. One day last year his 4 year old son told him that he was crazy. He said why u say that his son sd bc u are. I didn't know what was wrong with him but I knew he liked to manipulate and control but he would never admit his wrongdoings.
Mine too! Every time we would argue or I would get upset he would contact different women. Like a punishment. Would make him feel he got even with me and thought I’d never find out
I think youre not getting enough credit for talking about it and showing all of your inner life to the world. I think this is really brave. ❤️ And these words are from someone destroyed by narcs so take them in. Ive seen what narcs are battling every wake hour.
How did you identify yourself as a narcissist, or believe it? What made you decide to change? Dr Phil has said there is almost no point in treating a narcissist. What triggers them to want to honestly see themselves and change it?
I have a question has anybody else been through this or is it just me because I noticed that none of the experts talk about this particular topic I looked for the videos and can't find anything on them but has anybody gone through not being protected by the narcissist if you're in an argument or if someone is talking about you they don't protect you please do a video on this topic I'm really curious to know if it was just me,🥴🤔🤔
In my relationship of 12 years with my ex partner who is a narcissist I saw the cycle repeatedly every 6 months then in order to stop it I would become more tolerant to what he was doing so that way I would keep the relationship intact but that hurt me more because I had to accept that he was cheating on me and had to wait until he would get bored of the new supply then he would comeback to me but he wasn’t happy with me be being like that either so would tell me that I had to cheat on him too so that way it we both were even but because I never did what he asked for he heated me for that he heated me for loving him
2 yrs ago I moved out leaving my person however since that time we have been in contact and the cycle continues. I always tell him ehy doesn't he find someone else. When we argue he says mean things then jt eill ve these are the reasons I don't fuck with you. as usual im like ok then dont talk to me , later or tge next day he calls acting like nothing happened. I feel im in a weird relationship but really I don't know.
That was a great video,especially,as u were a Nark,as Narks wont addmit that they are Narks Hope u put more videos about how the do blame shiffting,onto there partners,its always someone elses fault,they start all the rows in the home,and get us wound up, Thank u for that video
Another question that I'm currently trying to solve,after a smear campaign, a massive one,even buisnesses I might try to find employment, how do you expose everything, tell everything ,I know your supposed to ignore,don't defend,but this is my whole life,the area I've grown up in,I will tell the truth about everything, but how do everyone else know that?Would it matter at this point,even if all these people found out the lies,would they still support the harassers? I believe it's possible they might,I don't believe it's about right and wrong ,but taking sides of the group,what's your opinion?
God bless you for being honest and helping others! # two witnesses...we are in the tribulation! Judgement and destruction coming! ONLY JESUS CHRIST SAVES! You are a child of God! He loves you!
Such evil... Condemning one for doing what is righteous...stay true Ben... Fight the good fight of faith... Yes, you HAVE changed, and ARE changing.....
@@RawMotivations that ABC def account is a fraud they are in here to harass people they have left nasty comments on here so far…you should block this account whoever they are! It’s called Abc Def they just told you that you are the blind leading the blind.. Smh 🤦♀️ so nasty and negative they need to be blocked people on here are trauma bonded and this idiot is telling them it’s their fault!!
So you were aware from a young age ? My ex of 28 years is convinced that my depression ruined his life even though I done everything I could do for him I loved him so much I gave him all of me never once cheated always put him first he was never physical but he ticked all the other narc traits and I lost count of the affairs but still he thinks I'm to blame 💔
During your initial phases with your girlfriends, did you feel love? I am very confused about my last narc (I've been with a few lol). He genuinely seemed to love me/was infatuated with me but at the same time he was lying/deceiving. It felt so real with him but at the same time I knew he wasn't totally honest.
Hi Ben, I found myself wondering if a cycle would last a certain amount of time and then repeat. eg; a few months. And cycles with multiple people would overlap? What do you think?
Narcs definitely cycle, but it’s their victims that experience the motion sickness.
Agreed, in such cases we need to break the puke cycle from the apparent causes of 'motion sickness' especially without puking on ourselves ✌. Added by flavours of virtues, meaning and healthier progress.
We feel and think that we were on the rougher roads to nowhere. 🙏
True
Love it!
As a life long maritime person, that's a great analogy. Narcs on only happy when they rock the boat. You could fall off and drown and they wouldn't notice or care. They can't stand smooth sailing, calm seas, or anything that aligns with safety.
Thank you for this. I was usmm for 4 yrs and lived and worked at sea on supertankers. After that, I became a marine scientist and professional scuba diver for 16 yrs. I did over 10,000 dives with my narc psychopath x and we were on a boat every day together.
My perspective of how narcs behave under water and how they act on boats and ships is a unique perspective that I'm incorporating in my novel. I have some very unique experiences and stories to tell.
@@ladydragonrider421 the narcissists should fall off the boat and drown!! For all the hell and lifetime of pain and damage they cause!!
To think a narcissist will change is a form of malignant optimism
That's true to a certain point only. Karma changes them. Drugs and alcoholism change them. Repeated abandonment changes them.
It's not until malignant narcs fail that they become secondary psychopaths, but if they're also bipolar, borderline, and or antisocial pd, then they reach full psychopathy as a sociopath or psychopath but.... that's the danger point when their suicidal and homicidal but.... cold therapy has had good results. And the techniques are evolving. It's a fairly simple process really. Doesn't necessarily take years either. It's simply about teaching what happened to them as a child and redirecting the trauma and rage to the source and not everyone else in the world. In tarot, it's called breaking the generational curse.
Study with Sam Vaknin here on TH-cam. Dr Ramani is very good as well. But Sam is the best in the world. There is hope for some, but not all.
Malignant optimism is a perfect description of what we were doing when still in contact with narc. Malignant hope is another. Should be in the text book.
Alcohol and drug addiction is a totally different ball park.
@@ladydragonrider421 good luck on getting them into therapy when they refuse to take accountability that anything is wrong with them lol.. May I add, they also like their lifestyle, it works for them. No empathy so therefore loads of buzz screwing people over. And all that deviant sex to boot... They like their life. They always reinvent themselves after a downslide, there's always a fool who feels sorry for them...
Oh thats good! Its a hard pill to swalllow but a form of self harm to keep enduring abuse, and abuse back to the perso who is a narc sometimes if you start forcing change on them by emotional manipulation or yelling or excessive anger back. I didn't like the person I became in the end. Yes I was abused. But. Once you know whats really going on, its your responsibility to end it (walk away). Not put more force on the person who won't or can't change.
Narcs need an exorcism.
Truly.
The demon theory holds some weight.
They can seem possessed.
They can leave those TOXIC, "Radioactive" FLEAS on their Target, too!
GAWD, I hate my Nazi bros who $hit on my Golden Years!
Such $tupid Narcopaths, they Destroyed their own, in the process!
Or maybe you do! In order to leave victimhood we have to accept our part as a participant in their world and order. It felt good to us in some way, for some reason. That’s not demon possession; that’s familiarity, co-dependency and childhood woundings that are asking for our attention, acceptance and forgiveness. Narcs are a mirror that highlight our inadequacies; we can either try to fill the voids with the narcissistic relationship or become aware of them and address them.
They get it on their own. It's called karma.
@@ladydragonrider421 true!!!!
I am at the point of my life realized that I had heavy narcissistic traits too. I am now stopped all the cycle, living alone, face myself and work on myself.
Keep working on yourself. That is awesome to hear. Check out www.wakeupwarriorchallenege.com to continue that growth!
Wow, so no supply? How does that effect your mood?
@@RosasResources devastating for sure😊 im in that phase to.I just really dont wanna hurt anyone.I dont want this but im stuck with it.Im tired of making people that love me so much cry everyday cuz of my abusive behavior
@@cartelmedia3347 I pray my husband heal
@@cartelmedia3347 I have strong BPD tendencies. Hurt me. 😂
There are many types of narcissistic cycles. The cycle I suffered at the hands of a malignant narcissist for many years was: him being civil and kinda nice (never compassionate, intimate, or normal communication), then wanting sex but after that he would tum into a stranger. This went on for 20 years because there weren’t the resources of internet and social media to educate one’s self. Once I learned what was happening with this disordered human being, I abruptly ended it!!!
🔨🔨🔨💯
It took you 20 years .. he's not the only one that should be in therapy ..
You know what. My life was very similar for 33 yrs and the worst part about it is you saw it all along, the lack of real empathy, but could never figure out why. In the end, all the pain and suffering you endured, was only an exact a mirror of them. That's the sad part because you never knew the mental torture they lived with, and only knew what they projected at you. It's at this point when you truly forgive them and wish them more love, even though it was love all along that was hurting them. The love you gave was so pure it was the one thing they could never be, and you never knew it.
After you're gone, they look for that kind of love and never find it. They can't replace you and it tortures them. Tortures them in the same way of how their mothers never loved them. They want it back, want you back, and even if you forgive, they can't forgive themselves because they don't know how without you. They literally go insane and become suicidal if they can't get your forgiveness.
They are loving you from afar, comparing everyone to you. They want to make things right but don't know how and don't have the insight or the courage to ask for forgiveness because it was never something they received as a child. They can't apologize because it would only hurt them more, to admit guilt when they are already filled with guilt and shame they can't admit, because of the pain it causes them. And, even if they try or want to, the fear of rejection and abandonment.... throws the baby out with the bath water. They feel trapped. They can't fix their problems and no one can help them. They hit rock bottom alone and are forced to save themselves, or commit suicide.
My x was in court every week for 2 yrs during the divorce. He would not stop attacking me, and has stolen everything. He was constantly in contempt for lying and not obeying court orders, but he would not stop.
My woman judge would not allow me to retaliate or hold him accountable, and she was following my lead that my attorneys were not.
For example, my x would come to court with demands and bargains. He would only give me something if I gave him something first. I would give it to him, and it was court ordered. But then, day after day, he had more lies and excuses why he couldn't comply. So I would stand up in court and say your honor, I don't want it. That really fucked him up. Soon, as my attorneys kept trying to fight him, my judge fired my attorneys. My attorneys wouldn't listen to me or represent what I told them to do, because they believed holding him accountable was the right way to win.
In the end, my judge and me let him take over 3 million in assets and I walked out with nothing. He thought he won. I conceded. He's a very slow moving low vibrational energy, fighting serious addictions first, but I know for a fact that now he is awake and realizes he lost the only thing that really mattered. Me.
But during court, I begged everyone to get him help and they said no. That's not what we do. They said, thru very keen observation, it's too late for him. He's too far gone. He's not coming back. His only path from here is prison or death. Love him from afar, and let him go. He can't be saved, but you can be.
It was the hardest words I ever had to swallow in my life. To face the fact that the only man I ever loved was on a path of self destruction that no one could stop but himself.
By helping him, is only to enable him to never face himself. All of this because I finally tried to leave him because of his violence and abuse. His retaliation at me would be the death of him. It's a karma boomerang. And while I love him from afar, he will only hate me more and more, evermore.
He won't talk to me. It's been 4 yrs. For 3 yrs, he was prevented from any contact as I had a DVPO. He wanted me to fail and die. The last thing he wanted was to see me having a happy life. It's the boomerang. What he wished for me is only destroying him. He is sick, dying, broke, and alone. He wants me to come back and apologize and fix everything. He gets in my energy often telepathically. He comes to me in my dreams.
The dreams are very significant of how in the past, I always yanked him back into the the right road. But when we came to a cliff, that was the edge of the earth, he tried to pull me off with him. I got free and as he was about to fall, he begged me to reach down one more time, and he tried to pull me over again, then he fell a thousand miles down to his death screaming my name.
In the last dream, he came to me in his knees begging and crying to forgive him. I told him I forgave him a long time ago, because God told me the forgiveness lied in him, not me anyhow. My x said I only ask now because I want to die and I need you to please forgive me so I can die. As he was laying there dying, I kept my promise that I would be the one to hold his hand when he died. So I did, and I prayed over him and asked God to show him mercy.
So, please realize why they don't have the capacity to fix anything or heal, the only thing you can give is forgiveness and blessings. That's what you always did in the first place, that they never had as a child. They have no hope and no peace unless they know your love was truly unconditional. That is all they ever wanted their entire life and could never be that which you were.
@@AbcDef-xo4pc you have no right to judge anyone!! It’s called a trauma bond!! You must be a narcissist to say some crap like that!! That’s typical blame the victim mentality! Get off this page! This is for survivors to get help not be abused by narcissists some more!!!
That's my husband! Same thing.
I could always tell when I was going to be discarded, by the way he talked and behaved. So, after so many times where he'd manipulated an argument where it would cause me to believe, there came a time where i' had enough of this life. I changed the dynamics and the control and I left while he was out. I HAD COMETE AUTONOMY AT THAT POINT, and I can only imagine the loss of power he felt. I believe I've broken this cycle once and for all, and I feel positive for once. I have control of my own life back.
DAY 5 OF NO CONTACT
How's it going
Oh I wonder too. Praying you’re doing well today.
This video explains the push pull he put me through the first 13 of our premarital years. Being married 10 now he began a cycle a few years ago. He filed twice for divorce in the past 18 months for no authentic reason but now wants to come home and go to couples counseling. My life has been hell the past 18 months let me tell you and I want out. He’s doubling down, being nice, attentive etc. I’m done but I just can’t say the words. Please pray for me to have strength and courage. Thank you for your videos and reading this comment
13 Years is too long ! Do it soon! You deserve better! I’m also in a strange situation.. Tanke care!
@@sweetnovember9346 13 years dating. 10 years married. 23 YEARS!
Thank you for your encouragement ♥️
No. Please listen. To exit at this point is a certain death for him. Do you want that? Here's what you need to do. If he wants to go to counseling, he's sincere in one of two ways. Either he wants to know why he's failed, or he wants to convince the therapist you're the crazy one. So take the bull by the horns. Get a great therapist that knows about CBT therapy and cold therapy. Get a reference from Sam Vaknin, Lisa Ramono, or Dr Ramani if you can. The therapist needs to not be fooled and know up front he's a narcissist, and work with both of you individually, not together.
You have a chance I never had in 33 yrs before my x succumbed to serious addictions I didn't see happening. But both of you need to be alcohol and drug free in order for the process to work. You both have to have healthy goals.
You're in a soul tie. Neither of you can run from it. You both must learn the process of forgiveness and how to communicate with kindness.
His words are just words, but your actions to change both your actions could be life saving for both of you, even if you decide to stay apart.
Never abandon someone you love just because they don't know how to love you back. They want you to teach them. You must have patience and create boundaries, rewards, and consequences. Keep in mind you're not dealing with an adult. You're dealing with a child, so do as you would do to a child. A true empath would never abandon or hurt a child.
Do not allow the hurt and hate he has for himself to become a reflection of you, and your deed and actions. Always be the bigger person. Always shoulder the weak because you are the stronger one who can shoulder the burdens if you stop thinking that all his actions towards you are about you. They're not.
And one other thing I know that a hurt child must learn that you must teach. And that is to learn to laugh at themselves. To laugh in the face of adversity and pain. Laughter is one of the best remedies. Always smile back.
Think about this. The 3 yr old screaming in a store to get a toy. What do you do? Do you bargain with him and so no, you have toys at home? Do you tell him he has enough toys or that you can't afford another toy? Do you tell him to stop crying or he's going to be punished?
No! You compliment the child. You point out their beautiful eyes, how they match his shirt. You smile at them and they will stop crying and smile back. Laugh, and they'll laugh too. You trigger them. They are mirroring you, and the shopping trips from hell in a sea of confusion in Walmart.
My mother had a great way of making me behave in a store when I was little. Before we went into the store she would tell me if I was good, I would get a treat. If I misbehaved, I would have to sit and wait in the car alone. Once she sent me to go sit in the car and I accidentally got in the wrong car and she couldn't find me lol. 50 yrs later, she wrote me a letter to tell me I was always an angel in stores. But it wasn't me. It was the boundaries mom set. I was aware of them and the choice to be good or bad was my own. Always give choices and consequences and let them choose. Don't be the mother who ruled with an iron fist, who never told the child what was expected and what was not. Let them pick. You'll see a much different person if you let them have their own domain to create the destiny they want.
The core principle is that you have to give in order to receive. What you do, is what comes back to you. You cannot get anything that you don't give first.
@@ladydragonrider421 I have done the things you suggest. I’m not his mother. He’s a boy in a man’s body. Fully functioning in other ways as a man would but unable (unable!) and unwilling in truth to actually participate in counseling. Your instruction is not lost on me but I’m needing to love myself too. I need to live as an adult woman not nurse him along like he’s in preschool. He chose to do the things he’s done. He can be what and who he is but he decided to hurt me numerous times without consideration for my pain. He’s toying with me now. Playing all the games he needs to to keep me under control even though he left me. He creates the chaos in my life then comes in on a charger of deception to “save the day” once again.
I’m not a young woman anymore. I have allowed him to rob me of my happiness and my health. I have forgiven him however, Forgiveness doesn’t guarantee reconciliation. Thank you for your kind comment.
@@ladydragonrider421 I read some of your other comments regarding regret etc. You speak of satan possibly controlling my husband…I believe you are right. He claims he’s a Christian and yet he continues the mind games and other behaviors to hurt me continuously I am a Christian and I have with Gods help been accepting and forgiving at every turn of the screw.
You are a well meaning individual but why would you counsel me to stay in an abuse relationship with a demon in a meat suit? Please do not respond to me further. Thank you.
20 year rollercoaster...finally off the ride for good
How did you do it? I'm 20 years in. He doesn't want me anymore and it hurts, berfore he will take 2 to 5 days not talking to me and then he will love me so much. But now It's been 2 weeks of silent treatment and it's driving me insane, I know he doesn't love because our relationship has deteriorated for the last 3 years. But I'm in the cycle of trying to fix it and he just rejected me. I want this to end because it stress me so much, he wont leave but he wants me to leave. I feel lonely and unhappy. 😔
@@chulaalways5097 it’s a trauma bond… he will discard you, he probably has someone else, messaging, seeing them, then they come back love bombing you and trying to Hoover you, back…. They know you’re probably vulnerable! …. No contact whatsoever, no matter how much you love n miss them… it’s hard but keep away, they’re dangerous… sending hugs 🤗
@chula always you cant fix it. The problem is his and he'll resent you for it. I tried for 4 years to fix something I realize now, wasn't mine to fix. I was trying to fix something that I had no idea what i was trying to salvage. Its so much better to get out and take care of yourself. Scary yes, but its so much better.
@@chulaalways5097 I totally get you! I really wish you strength and god should give you a good partner you deserve. I’m going trough difficult times too.. Take good care!
The cycle never ends I've been insignificant other to a narcissist for 9 years now. It gets worse.
Amen to that! I am a living witness. I’m about to enter year 20 of marriage and almost 22 total. I have truly let go and let God. It’s been a long time coming.🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I'm so sorry Amber.... You are valued and loved by me if no one else.... Because I know exactly how it feels.... 💖💖 My heart goes out to you dear one. 🌈🙏🙏🌈
May the one and only God heal and guide you
A good reminder that the next girl will end up dealing with the same shizz that you had to. They won't get better till they can get out of denial.
They might be frustrated with the cycle ( people leaving them)but they don't want to be honest with themselves, so the cycle repeats.. that was a good point!
Often they get to the place they blame everyone for leaving them not willing to admit the common denominator - their actions.
@@RawMotivations Often? No offense but I think that's the default setting of narcs.
Thanks for speaking on this. I always wondered if there was a cyclical pattern to his behaviors or it was just my imagination.
This example of cycle seems like a longer or general version of what is or could be a Narcissist Cycle.
I suppose it's putting the interupters in on a more regular basis that entices change to eventual break out of 'the cycle' while still maintaining healthy momentum in life. 🙏
Lovebomb - devalue - disengage
(but not fully)
I wish I could of found you, lee, and milkshake years ago.
The Little Shaman th-cam.com/video/NSBqYeGSt6Q/w-d-xo.html
Me too!
Milkshake???
@@Not-the-usual-BS “cluster b milkshake” another self aware narc. Channel
@@TheGra325 thank you! I thought it was an English expression haha
My husband rages out and said here goes the cycle again. He blames me for the cycle. If she didn’t express her hurt feelings that I caused there would be no cycle.
I was blamed for the cycle as well! The Narc said to me,"I don't know why but every now and then you have these cycles and I tolerate them!" He NEVER, not once, ever considered it had anything to do with his behavior or the things he said.... even if I explained it. Explaining meant nothing. The Narc was always a Saint. On a few occasions I got him to admit to his lies... one time he admitted to being snotty and hateful. I asked him if that was fair to me and he replied "No." Then he went right back to being snotty and hateful after just admitting it was inappropriate or at least unfair.
Another time he was raging and "assuming" what I thought. So I flat out asked,"Do you REALLY think, that is what Im doing right now, trying to hurt YOU?" To which he paused, floundered a bit, and said, "No, I don't really think you're trying to hurt me. Im just really tired and I can't tolerate anything right now."
There were small moments when this person could touch reality but it never changed the big picture overall. I think when he fully raged he was blind, deaf, and dumb... and I think he has some realization of how bad it was... but much later after the fact... and he could not maturely address or reconcile such things.
@@ammj6202 yes, my husband has moments of clarity. I’ll say you criticize everything I like or do well. You don’t compliment me. You said my cup has a imperfection on it. He said yeah but I said it was nice first. I said that is a back handed compliment. It was a cup I was making from scratch.
He says he has tons of problems and issue. Anger issues, and avoidant. Won’t do anything about them though. Refuses to go back to therapy. I have to divorce him. His actions are all my fault cause I made him do it.
@@stormycraig6133 Oh yeah, this guy admits he has issues too. He has done some things in his past that he is ashamed of...but somehow he is perfect and incapable of doing horrible things in the present. It will probably take him ten years to realize he has something to be ashamed of "today".
In one year he has had so many people leave him (and if you ask these people, they have a terrible or sad story to say about this Narc). Now Im added to the list. How many good people have to be kicked to the curb before the Narc realizes he is the common denominator in all these problems?
Granted there are people who enable his behavior or make excuses for him... which helps nothing but make more victims.
That is called blame shifting, a severe form of gas lighting, as a narc can never take accountability for their own actions. It is endless and it will overwhelm you and escalate into a severe form of hate and rejection they have for you, but you wont see it....not until there is a gun in your face, they kill your cat, or try to poison you, and they steal everything from you that you love and value.
Divorcing a narc is the hardest thing in life you will ever do - and you must - but it takes very special training to know how. I didnt have that when I had to run, and my attorneys did all the wrong thing and almost got me killed. My woman judge even went so far as to fire my attorneys because they wanted to fight and they were driving him harder to have me killed. My x paid people to destroy my life in every way possible and even tried to hire people to have me killed. That is exactly how far a narc will go to never be accountable.
The only way to get out, and I know it sounds impossible, but its with careful secret planning. You must create the opportunity to escape, and take everything you want when you leave, and really fast. Then disappear and go no contact forever. For me, I had to go no contact with everyone Ive ever known because he contacted every person Ive ever known and threatened to kill them if they helped me in any way.
My x was not capable of doing this on his own. In his deranged mind, he thought that when I left, that I was going to do all kinds of horrible things to him - because thats how he thinks. He found tons of flying monkeys, lied to everyone, that I was out to steal everything and kill him- as they project everything they are going to do onto you.
I strongly urge you to start studying with Sam Vaknin here on TH-cam. Go back in his video library and learn what mommy splitting is. Any person who is emotionally unregulated long term is severely mentally ill- their cognitive functions never developed past age 8. It cannot be changed. It is actual brain damage caused by the brain having been flooded with cortisol as a baby.
@@stormycraig6133 very typical narc excuses to never take accountability - but stop talking to him. Just be your normal self, be nice, dont let on anything is wrong. Do not defend yourself. Just say ok, I see what youre saying. Be agreeable. Plan your escape quietly and secretly.
Do you ever remember getting “angry” with a supply for something but they didn’t have a clue as to what they did to make you angry?
Absolutely the most accurate thing I have ever heard. Ever. If I wasn't in the no contact phase I would send this video right to him
Same Karla. Been no contact for 3 weeks
I’ve been no contact for 8 months. 💔
Too true 💯 my ex even said he was a creature of habit. I hope one day he will want to break the toxic cycle hes lost in
The “Love Bomb - Devalue - Discard” cycle the narcissist puts their victim through is a staggering and destructive experience to undergo.
My narcissistic wife of 32 years and her mother often put me through a crazy cycle and would pretend they did nothing wrong at all. The played the Bambi role masterfully.
Couple’s therapy was pointless, since my ex was superb at manipulating people; therapist, children, relatives and so on.
I was made to look crazy and mentally ill, especially when she gaslighted me constantly.
“The Bambi Role.” TY, I’ve struggled with what to call what you’ve likely talking about (doe eyed, feigned innocence, baby or cutie voice, Madonna /child facial expressions). Bambi Role sums it up nicely.
I respect your honesty
Thirty years here and only for channels like these I would be stuck. In the middle of leaving process. My beautiful son took his own life because of his dads erratic alcoholism as he was a super empath and we have all suffered abuse for years. I’ve endured cycle after cycle and the worst loss anyone could suffer but at least I’m finally ending this cycle of hell.
Thanks for raising awareness. Narcissism is a serious mental health condition.
Thank you Ben Taylor. This makes a lot of sense. This is the reason I affectionately refer to you as one of my top four Professors on you tube about learning to spot the signs of narcissism and healing from it.
I really appreciate how you give tangible advice on how to recover and grow from these situations. It’s pretty easy in the narc-awareness community to get emotional and focus on the pain of the past. But moving forward is what we really want, so thanks for ending these talks on a note of empowerment 💛
Thank you so much. I am trying to bring a different perspective and help with healing.
Great comment. I have had difficulty getting over the betrayal and actions since then. Thank you for emphasizing the need to move on. You have empowered me. 😊
Great video. This alone should help a lot of people. The cycle gets harder to repeat as one gets older.
Thank you. I am healing and basically I lost my best years to a narcissist. I knew something was wrong but a lot it it I simply blamed on his alcoholism. He has zero accountability for all the pain he has caused especially to his wife ( who he convinced me he was devoriced from….. and he was but they continued to live only a block away and raise their children and grandchildren ). I told him about a year ago that he was a narcissist because that was when a friend introduced me the beginning of these discussions on line. I watched them say and night. I have been in therapy for the damage it has done to be with all the future faking, in and out, ghosting and showing back up with only saying when I tried to have discussions… that was then this is now. Devaluation, the love-bombing. I suspect my narc is also a masogimist and on the DL. Yes, Ben and others it’s been a wild ride for close to ten years but I finally worked out of my trauma-bond and went NO CONTACT. Thank you for speaking out and I’ve subscribed to your channel.
Yes the Narc I was with blamed everything on Alcoholism not the Narcissist side of things. He always covered it up with his A.A group too.
Mine too, leaving after 32 years
They get there supply from men or women I call them try sexual, they don’t know who they are while living in fantasy that they are Gods because they are playing a game that your not aware of (There little secrets) even the one hosting this pod cast if he is truly a Narc
Yes mine went on 40 years & it wasn't until he passed away that I started hearing about this. My whole life was wasted with someone who probably never really love me at all. I thought he did by staying that showed me he cared* oops he wasn't normal! & Yes I blamed all the bad on his drinking & drug usage. Finally in our last few years I could feel there was something going on, as in probably another woman. He told me I was getting old & he wasn't happy* Just when I was counting on the rest of our lives being more peaceful & slow paced* I have been alone a year now & still can't stop going over our life together in my mind* I really loved him. This is all so sad* God Bless you on your journey*
The contact list in his phone was sick. He names men woman, woman men and doesn't believe in the delete button EVER!. He had over 100 contacts while we were married and he was just an average guy
your comment sent chills down my spine! other than the married part.. im dealing with that now. he asked me the other day what did women find attractive about a guy? to which I said... honesty/trust #1.
He said to me "oh come on you don't have a book of people to call up for sex when you're single?" And I was like...yeah no I don't keep numbers just in case we don't work out. Also I think most of his were for hire :/
@Omar Most. You know how it goes Block unblock. Block unblock
My guy have 281 contacts
I think the # of ppl they "have" gives them a BOOST in their need for supply. Like look how many ppl I know/are in contact with/like me.
Like my narc, he has Every Single Alert Notification on in his phone (even junk notifications - you know, the 1's ppl usually don't care about) - And has most to "repeat" alerts which go off every two frickin minutes. This is used to remind ppl to respond. But I feel mine uses this to show others how many ppl "need" him bc his phone is always blowing up (& Never stops!!) It's like he thinks that ppl think each notification is a new notification (not a repeat notification going off every two minutes for AN HOUR!!!) He then LOUDLY B***hes about his phone blowing up ("WHO'S Calling me NOW??!!! Can't I EVER be left ALONE??!!", etc.); causing even MORE attention to him (with an ever so slight smirk on his face @ times). I know, that I know, that I know he uses this as another form of supply along with the added benefit/boost in supply of showing everyone else "how important he is" and "how much - & how many - "OTHER" ppl need him" (while he runs off & takes care of these "other" ppl & leaves his responsibilities to his disabled wife as if they don't exist!! (News Flash: they DON'T exist - to HIM!! & he finds yet another BOOST in that too - Dominance & Control!!) SICK, Sick ppl!!!
This is my 3rd cycle with my wife of 27 years. I just realized what was going on 2 months ago at the hight of the 3rd cycle. Vulnerable npd. I'm stuck now.
I have no choice but try to get her behavior. She has
had the first therapy session and seems to agreeing,
owning and accepting her behaviors. At this point, I'm secure, but our 6 year old daughter needs a stable parent. Hope for the best, but expect the worse.
There's one thing you must realize. The only reason she will ever keep coming back is for her, not you. Her lack of. In this cycle, you will always fail to cure her of what she lacks and each time, your mental state will get worse and you will never be free of the drama and agitation. You are codependent on that that comes from your childhood, or your need to always fix or please others. Empaths, we see this as an admirable trait, but, when you become selfless, as you have time and time again, you're sacrificing your healthy ego for the need for true happiness that can never be found when you give and it doesn't come back.
Fucking narcissists are smart as fuck. They know this about you. They know you have an internal need to help and make things better but my God my dear, smack yourself in the head and realize it's self defeating, for you and your daughter.
The only reason she wants to come back is because she failed at destroying you before. She cannot be you and her desire is to consume you, engulf you, so that she becomes you and you disappear. And in this desperate pursuit to obtain a core ego, if it means poisoning you and killing you, that is what they evolve into. They are masters of manipulation, especially when it comes to therapists.
I guarantee at the end of your sessions, it will all be turned around to be perceived as the problem is with you, not giving enough. Not being sensitive enough to her feelings. You'll be gas lighted so deep you won't be able to see the light of day.
You said it yourself. 3rd cycle. I'm amazed your still alive and she hasn't already convinced you that you need to kill yourself. You need alot more time for you, to study.
I highly recommend Dr Ramani and Sam Vaknin on TH-cam. Listen every day for at least 3 hrs before you make any decisions to do anything.
Please listen to these words of mine. I went thru it for 33 yrs and was forced by that state to run and barely got out with my life. He hired people to have me killed if I ever tried to leave or take anything. When I realized what was going on, I walked into court after 3 yrs of things he was doing that cost the lives and well being of people in my family, and screamed this is over ! Give him everything! I gave him over 3 million in assets and i considered it the price to buy my freedom. He was going to have me killed if i didn't give him everything. I'm serious. Not everyone in my situation got out alive. I'm writing a book about it to tell all just how bad it can get if you think you can do anything for them. They don't get better. They get worse. You'll be begging God to save you and kill you at the same time. Protect yourself and your daughter and do not fall into the same trap again.
Give yourself more time. You need to separate and individuate. Your happiness does not rely on her. Trust me when I say, I am totally free and happy like never before. I will live or die by my right to live my life for me.
Break the cycle
Thank you so much!! Keep going !! You break things down clearly.
Thank you
Thank you Ben. It’s very enlightening to hear how early your cycle developed. You are very kind to share it, and very courageous to do the work of growth. You are helping millions of people on both sides of the abuse.
THANK YOU so much! I just started listening to you and it has Helped So Much! I have left my Relationship and I'm starting to heal from the Abuse!
That was a really measured and honest description of the cycle that narcissists go through. Are you slightly lower on the narcissistic scale or are you able to think like this because of your counselling? The reason I ask is that a lot of people who are in a relationship with a narcissist will not be experiencing the level of honesty that you are displaying - even when they are in counselling. Did you really WANT to change - is that the difference?
Even 'high level' narcissistic people have relevant amounts of intelligence and make can make very effective conciencious decisions.
The more that come to some level of greater awareness does everyone a favour no matter how it might seem a miracle.
But I get your point, it's hard work to turn inwards on admissions that have always seem by projection and blame to be in creation to and for blame to a secondary party.
It's a challenge for anyone to admit what is impinging their own self-wealth and personal identity as it would be in effect an ability by option to improve and strive through life.
Demand worthiness by volition and through self accord, harmonizing ones own free agency. 🙏
A narcissist has to want the change. And has to get to a place where they will cut the lies and get to honesty. 30+ years of my life were all based on lies. I had to make a change because what I was doing wasn’t working. I learned about a lot of my lies through www.wakeupwarriorchallenge.com
@@RawMotivations Did I read correctly?? You learned to lie thru this website?
@@flowers6576 I learned about a lot of my lies. Lol my apologies
@@RawMotivations 😆Oh, ok.👍😆
Exactly. It's a self love deficit and fear of being rejected. Need to heal from the truama wound that caused the root of rejection, causing control and manipulation, need to work on loving and validating yourself.
Mine told me his picker was off. I told him no that it was him.
I am so grateful for you. Thank you ❤️
Thank you Ben for sharing this with us! I've often wondered about cycles bc he sure seemed to have them, from outright raging behavior (over nothing), false accusations against me, smearing me, spending ALL his spare time with others & leaving me at home alone & ignoring me in every aspect, to "trying" his absolute best to be nice (ie: normal) to me - which raises my suspicions even more - like "WTF is up with you?? Why are you trying to be normal to/with me??" It really makes you stop & take notice when they start treating you normal - as crazy as that sounds...
So yeah, I've definitely seen cycles to his behavior. I've always wondered what's going on in his head when the "normal" cycles appear - is he feeling guilty? Is he trying to change?? - then I LMAO🤣 the next second for being so naive!! I didn't know exactly what was going on but now I do. Thx Ben!👍💜
I went through this for years. Mine left me at home alone also*
@@Gellybeanb1974 I'm sorry you've lived this also.
This is the best advice for a narcissist to get it right. Who better to explain than a actual a changing narcissist.
Ok, so, i am vary happy I've found the actual counterpart for narc victims that confesses online. I am very, no extremely probably a narc, I tick every element and even this cycle you're talking about is the story of my life, apart from the mariage thing. It's funny how since i was a kid i used to say 'I don't wanna get married', turned out i was already thinking soon enough, well that's such a pain to go through divorce and shit cause eventually we/ I ll get bored of eachother. I found a man I just loved so much, but I have idealized him so much, but it eventually we grew into a strong friendship - that thanks to years and years of therapy that helped me go through my agressive moments, but also because I had my dad as an example of what i didn't want to be.
But, I never realized narcissism was my problem. I knew I had some strong self esteem, some charisma, some egocentric attitude, but only lately I connected the dots and realized I just didn't go past this cycle, past what I thought was a fase in my life.
I'm into the phase of breaking the cycle, but I still feel like having a relationship. How do i NOT mess it up again ? I can be the most honest person you know... I can look in people's eyes and say 'I'm a narcissist piece of sh*t'. But what do I do then ? I feel like I should avoid relationships cause I don't feel the need of one but my mind works like a radar. Id find a dude that I might be very fond of, and I'd really try to control my impulses, but it's so much stronger than me and eventually I'd get controlling, manipulative. I actually don't know any other way ! I grew with the example of a narcissist father. I know what is wrong but don't know what is right... and the the middleway sometimes is just a lack of substitute for my negative emotions. How do I feel the void. How did you do it ?
Thanks for telling us. How a narcissist is.
I appreciate your honesty. I don't have hope for the people I have delt with that are narcissistic, but it's really nice to know that some people can become more self aware.
I think the only reason,why it could help to tell them,you feeling they are narcissists,because since they are,they can t deal with the truth,how you figured them out and they gonna run,because it s easier,than facing with themselves...That s what happened with me,the day I got soo frustrated and told my husband,I think he have problems(that time unfortunately didn t see these videos) was the day he moved out.Which was hurting me than,but since I went therapy and since I m watching these videos,my perception completely changed and I m soo glad,he choosed to leave me.Since then I m in peace,sleeping through every night(what didn t happened once when we lived together-sleep deprivation) and now when I see his pics on my screensaver,I m just changing the channel.These videos here completely changed my life and forever grateful for you to been enough strong to share these things with us.Literally saved my sanity.
Appreciate you sharing your story and understanding it.
To be honest, do you actually "love" anyone, including your wife? My impression is they love only the supply that's provided, supply helping to bring in MONEY, paying rent, bills for them, etc. They love the USE VALUE of people. They don't love people.
Amen ❤️ selfish
Once you learn to surf their cycles, you can time your departure to have you coasting peacefully towards the beach, while they look for you in the depths.
So validating ♥️ well done you. Explains alot. My pattern is trying to fix them. I'm a recovering codependent. So I'm at a point in therapy were I'm breaking my cycle. I could always tell something was off but with people like you teaching us and giving us knowledge it makes sense. Youv basically validated what I suspected.
Hey, glad to hear! I just got divorced and left my narcissistic husband. I think I have codependency issue, after I observed my behaviour. I felt drained in the relationship, basically doing everything with zero effort from his side. I try to rescue everyone and In the middle I lose my identity. I want to break this cycle with the help of a therapist. I have been searching for a good therapist! I hope I find one soon! I live in Toronto Canada
@@fadu4923 me too
You are awesome. You made me realize that his issues weren’t just addiction issues but NPD.
Addictions serve to mask the NPD and as they age, both the addictions and the NPD dramatically gets worse.
My husband ex is a narcissist. And I never understood why she lies when there was absolutely no need for it. Or abandoned her children whenever she felt like it. Or made it seem like her exs were monsters but was cheating with them. I had a fear for a long time that she would mess up my marriage and hurt my kids in the process. I decided to seek therapy & I’ve learned so so much .
I am learning to not allow her manipulative behavior to overpower my emotions. I took my power back. But, sometimes it’s challenging
Hey; great content. You are one of the few people, who admits being a narcissist and has chosen to do the work.
I have met many, none have admitted who they are. I married a woman who was from a cluster of narcissists (over 30+) in her family.
I was like chicken in the den of foxes for years.
I think its great that something said to you 20 years ago, came back and inspired a hard shifting of gears. That memory meant something. Or it was a strong catalyst worthy enough to mention here in the video.
At least from my viewing of all these videos on Narcissism- it pretty much paints a horrible picture that NO ONE in a narcissists life is considered real- you're a pawn, an appliance, supply, light, mirror- anything but an individual with your own feelings, thoughts etc.
They say when the Narc looks at you they are looking for their reflection of what they want to see- and if you don't reflect back what the narc desires- they then see the parts of themselves that they hate. In response they burn an effigy of themselves through rage and discard of that mirror/person.
From anyone's perspective, no one really knows how they are remembered. Or what is remembered. What I find good in your case however is that someone of their own thoughts and feelings, said something that was worthy enough to be heard, that helped you change later in life. I don't know if that makes them more than a pawn or a mirror... but maybe it does.
I have to say man...i really admire your honesty as I'm just out of a narcissistic relationship..once my boundaries came up she cheated...your showing great integrity in your videos to btw..regards from Ireland!
Once I mentioned to him I felt like things would go well for a few days then we would argue like a cycle. Oddly, shortly after that conversation he approached me one morning saying we get along for 3 days before we fight. I agreed. But I never mentioned a specific timeline. When I made the initial comment I had recognized his patterns and behaviors and wanted to somehow see if he saw it too.
My husband refuses to see he has many numerous different types of cycles. Thank you for your video.
I'm trying to figure out if you were really a narcissist or if you just had narcissistic tendencies coupled with another disorder. Only because you felt remorse and wanted to change. Real narcissists don't see anything wrong with their behavior.
That’s my point. To much research says Narcissist’s don’t and can’t change. Like the videos but I’m struggling with this.
@@TrishaLynn2024 That's not true, people with NPD can change. A PubMed study shows that 53% of Narcissists were in remission after 2 years of therapy. I assume the other 47% just needed more time, since they were obviously committed enough to stick it out for 2 years. The most effective treatment for NPD is Schema Therapy. A good book by Wendy T Behary, LCSW, "Disarming The Narcissist," explains Schema Therapy & how to use leverage & incentives to get a Narcissist into therapy & keep them working towards change. I used my monthly credit to get it for free on Audible so I could listen to it in my car.
Real Narcissists can become aware of their disorder & their need to change. Wendy T Behary, LCSW, explains in her book "Disarming The Narcissist" how to use leverage & incentives to get a Narcissist into Schema Therapy, which is the most effective treatment for NPD and other personality disorders. Narcissists often enter therapy on their own for other problems, like depression or anxiety. There are too many myths on social media. NPD & other Cluster B Personality Disorders are highly treatable, but it's important to find a therapist who knows how to do it successfully; & the best are Schema Therapists.
I'm really proud of you man... Much love and blessings 🙏🙏
Great video thanks so much keep them coming keep being honest you are appreciated
Good help like as with better timing leads to healthier success.
Encouraging brave and honest insights Raw Motivation 🙏👍
I like you. You seem honest. All the best and thanks for an enlightening video.
This clarifies things, thank you. My ex began cultivating her emotional supply with her FWB near the end of her last relationship, and she did the same with me when we were on our way out (with the same FWB). She clearly doesn't see anything wrong with it, it's just how she knows to operate.
It turned my anger to pity, as I can see that she's not happy unless she can have someone else to fill that void inside of her.
I loved this, thank you so much for sharing. Glad you are working on yourself
You are very detailed in your descriptions! I love it. You are doing so good! I wish my 62 year old ex would. Thank you so much for teaching us! I may just need a one on one with you. I’ve been so abused I could write a book. From the justice system to permanent damage to my spine. Your support and being self aware and helping yourself is something I’m so proud of guys like you are doing here. Much ❤️
So painful all the years kept wondering what I was doing wrong and trying to fix things. Thx to your posts finally see what I’ve been dealing with. Now how do I break free ….
Thanks very much for being so open and acknowledging that you were narcissist ✔️, it will help a lot of relationships,.
And those who are struggling with these traits,.
Really appreciate how you break it down in your videos
Its because they've nothing to offer beyond the initial superficial lovebombing
Ty so much for your honesty 👼😇😋
Ben have you ever met narcs who are so grandiose that their stories are way over the top? I know of 3 ppl who are narcs and they like to tell ppl that they are affiliated with the mafia.
Yes
@@RawMotivations ok thank you
Grandiosity
@@francoisgouws7288 big time.
Omg, this was mine. He told me he was a "ghost" in the Mongols motorcycle gang, but he paid his way out of it. I can't believe I believed him, but I did. Such a liar and found out he was just an insecure person deep down and wanted to find a way to scare me so I wouldn't leave.
Thanks for your honesty! Hurts not word… definitely no contact right? My narc nearly killed me…
My ex narc goes in cycles… with a chick 3 to 6 months but did it just as you said!! DAYUM!!! And he repeats the cycle with the same chicks if they are available or if a new supply exists!
"I go in and out of people's lives" is what he said. So I asked him if he wanted to stay (in peoples life) or go ... he had to think deeply for a moment .. and he said "Neither". "Its complicated". And we dropped the conversation. I was trying to understand him. ~ And that was before I found out about narcissism.
So to a degree he might of been self aware?
Great video. Thanks.
How can so many people support them,even if they smear you,discredit you,still people will participate in abuse,and tormenting they love to ridicule,strangers act like they hate you,so many support this. Is the world becoming more narcissistic?
It is
Hey did I really appreciate your honesty it takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to be open and whatever it is that you're going through and allowing other people to know you the real you it's going to have a ripple effect and you're gonna help a lot of people you gotta give yourself some credit taking that step not step allowing yourself to be open and invulnerable I don't judge at all. I've been married to Too narcissist and I can't tell you how difficult it is I'm gonna need a lot of counselingAnd oddly enough maybe one day I can bump into you I'd love to talk to you
Thank for sharing! 👍🏼👍🏼💪🏼
OMG the cycle was predictable after a couple years. It was every two weeks, good then rage rolled in. Being available to totally being discarded. The arguments that made no sense at all! It was a emotional rollercoaster for 7 years. I escaped (4 years ago) and and still recovering. It was horrible
Well done doing well
I experienced all of this with my ex. Everytime we would have a argument he would start communicating with other people. He would go onto a rage out of nowhere. Then wake up the next day like nothing happened. One day last year his 4 year old son told him that he was crazy. He said why u say that his son sd bc u are. I didn't know what was wrong with him but I knew he liked to manipulate and control but he would never admit his wrongdoings.
Mine too! Every time we would argue or I would get upset he would contact different women. Like a punishment. Would make him feel he got even with me and thought I’d never find out
I think youre not getting enough credit for talking about it and showing all of your inner life to the world. I think this is really brave. ❤️ And these words are from someone destroyed by narcs so take them in. Ive seen what narcs are battling every wake hour.
THANK YOU!
How did you identify yourself as a narcissist, or believe it? What made you decide to change? Dr Phil has said there is almost no point in treating a narcissist. What triggers them to want to honestly see themselves and change it?
Thank you
I have a question has anybody else been through this or is it just me because I noticed that none of the experts talk about this particular topic I looked for the videos and can't find anything on them but has anybody gone through not being protected by the narcissist if you're in an argument or if someone is talking about you they don't protect you please do a video on this topic I'm really curious to know if it was just me,🥴🤔🤔
Good for you!
Cycles and patterns don’t lie.
They just need to date each other. Now I feel like I can recognize them immediately almost. They’re everywhere! I say about 7/8out of 10 people.
In my relationship of 12 years with my ex partner who is a narcissist I saw the cycle repeatedly every 6 months then in order to stop it I would become more tolerant to what he was doing so that way I would keep the relationship intact but that hurt me more because I had to accept that he was cheating on me and had to wait until he would get bored of the new supply then he would comeback to me but he wasn’t happy with me be being like that either so would tell me that I had to cheat on him too so that way it we both were even but because I never did what he asked for he heated me for that he heated me for loving him
2 yrs ago I moved out leaving my person however since that time we have been in contact and the cycle continues. I always tell him ehy doesn't he find someone else. When we argue he says mean things then jt eill ve these are the reasons I don't fuck with you. as usual im like ok then dont talk to me , later or tge next day he calls acting like nothing happened. I feel im in a weird relationship but really I don't know.
I’m going to be honest, narcs put the health of everyone they’re involved with at stake with the amount of cheating they do. Incredibly selfish
That was a great video,especially,as u were a Nark,as Narks wont addmit that they are Narks
Hope u put more videos about how the do blame shiffting,onto there partners,its always someone elses fault,they start all the rows in the home,and get us wound up,
Thank u for that video
This 💩 is real..I am headed out of a marriage and this just helped me..I know how it's going to play out
Another question that I'm currently trying to solve,after a smear campaign, a massive one,even buisnesses I might try to find employment, how do you expose everything, tell everything ,I know your supposed to ignore,don't defend,but this is my whole life,the area I've grown up in,I will tell the truth about everything, but how do everyone else know that?Would it matter at this point,even if all these people found out the lies,would they still support the harassers? I believe it's possible they might,I don't believe it's about right and wrong ,but taking sides of the group,what's your opinion?
God bless you for being honest and helping others! # two witnesses...we are in the tribulation! Judgement and destruction coming! ONLY JESUS CHRIST SAVES! You are a child of God! He loves you!
😊❤
So a narcisist .. trying to heal a narcisists. The blind leading the blind ...
The blind are the ones that stay unaware. I don’t expect someone else to know how to help the blind when they haven’t walked that hell
Such evil... Condemning one for doing what is righteous...stay true Ben... Fight the good fight of faith... Yes, you HAVE changed, and ARE changing.....
@@RawMotivations that ABC def account is a fraud they are in here to harass people they have left nasty comments on here so far…you should block this account whoever they are! It’s called Abc Def they just told you that you are the blind leading the blind.. Smh 🤦♀️ so nasty and negative they need to be blocked people on here are trauma bonded and this idiot is telling them it’s their fault!!
He's trying to help victims of NPD.the 🙄
So you were aware from a young age ? My ex of 28 years is convinced that my depression ruined his life even though I done everything I could do for him I loved him so much I gave him all of me never once cheated always put him first he was never physical but he ticked all the other narc traits and I lost count of the affairs but still he thinks I'm to blame 💔
During your initial phases with your girlfriends, did you feel love?
I am very confused about my last narc (I've been with a few lol). He genuinely seemed to love me/was infatuated with me but at the same time he was lying/deceiving. It felt so real with him but at the same time I knew he wasn't totally honest.
Of course they do..
What made you get married? Why was that different?
My sister is a walking skeleton and now she is starting to turn into him …. After 4 years he has changed her . I don’t recognize her 🥺
I know you say you're in recovery but narcissism doesnt really go away, its a personality disorder
Hi Ben, I found myself wondering if a cycle would last a certain amount of time and then repeat. eg; a few months. And cycles with multiple people would overlap? What do you think?