A friend of mine helped me running away. She brought friends and her brothers to help my way out. He stayed quietly looking at me and all the guys helping taking all the stuff out. Abusers are freaking cowards. They beat up women but they chicken out when they see guys around. They guys threatened him. 🙏🙏🙏My friend gave me some money and I stayed in her place for three months. I left my city so I was able to find a my own place and a job and to pay her back. She is my angel. Friends are our way out. Don't abandon her please. Offer real help ( money and a place to stay ) Bring male guys to scare the abuser. She will get stronger.❤❤❤❤❤
13 years ago I chose sleeping in my car with a 1 month old and 3 year old, over an abusive relationship. Today I am married to a kind, gentle man who loves me and my kids, I own a business that helps disadvantaged people and I'm earning my doctorate degree. It's so hard to leave, but if you can get over that pain, a better life is on the other side.
I was in a very abusive relationship with the father of my children for 9 years. I wasnt permitted to have friends except for one. I didn't even have a phone to call anyone for help. Anyone who did talk to me noticed the abuse but I was terrified to leave. He threatened to kill my family if I did leave. Somehow I managed to convince him that I need to leave for awhile but told him I'd be back. Here literally had me in the middle of nowhere. When I left my sister came and picked me up. Of course I never went back. It was tough for a minute but I pulled my life together. It was the greatest thing I've ever done for myself.
My friend had a friend who was in an abusive relationship. Me and three other guys went over and helped her move out while he wasn't home. He came home right when we were finishing up. He just stared at the ground. He was too much of a coward to even look at us.
I grew up in a household where our father abused us and my mother did (almost) nothing about it. She maybe said "stop" a few times when he got close to potentially doing permanent damage, but she always sided with him in the end. I ran away a couple times for my safety when I thought I might not survive him. When I returned, my mom asked me to apologize to him. I think she's still in denial all these years later. I know many women out there are struggling with abusers, but please, you've got to get out for your kids. I will never recover from what was done to me, but the silence from my mother was even worse.
Literally went through the same childhood. My step dad never hit her. But would abuse me. She maybe said stop a few times too but always sided with him and eventually get angry with me and tell me it's my fault. She put me in a group home for troubled teenagers when I was in highschool and convinced everyone I was the problem. She even started to get meaner and more violent as I got older. Her and I haven't spoken in years because he told her I wasn't allowed to see her once I moved out. And she'd rather lose her child then leave him. You're not alone. It doesn't make it any less lonely though.❤🙏🏼
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Without Conscience by Robert D Hare Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Facing Codependency by Pia Melody Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody Safe People by Henry Cloud Boundaries by Henry Cloud Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Kolk Why You Choose The Wrong People-Ken Reid podcast 🌞 Healing From A Breakup-Ken Reid podcast 🌞 What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup - Ken Reid podcast 🌞 From Self Love To Self Healing -Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️ Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It! by Kamal Ravikant ♥️ Safe People by Henry Cloud Boundaries by Henry Cloud Healing From A Breakup-Ken Reid podcast 🌞 What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup - Ken Reid podcast 🌞 From Self Love To Self Healing -Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️ Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
This was like you were talking about my story. We were 4 siblings and started to run away when i was 5, my little sister was 4, my two older siblings 9 and 10 years old. We never had success. As soon as the night appeared we were so frightened in the dark that we always went back. Other times he was able to find us (we grew up in a very rural area with no neighbours so seek help from so we were in the fields/woods) before the night came and draged us back to his dungeon he called home.
I was married in my early 20’s to a violent man and I kept taking him back. He would apologize and I thought he would change 🤦🏼♀️ Finally after 5 years and him almost killing me, I made a plan and I left the county. He did several months in jail and I never went back. He did the same thing in his next relationships. Once you get away from it you can see clearly and you’re happy.
@@elizabethschuler8890 I was married 15yrs when I left. I had to setup a church intervention just to give him the divorce papers and get out with my kids. I left the house that very day and never turned back. It was a 3 1/2yr battle in the courts and cost me tens of thousands of dollars. I received threatening letters and he told the kids if they accused him of abuse he would put their heads through the wall. He tried picking the kids he wanted to keep and created animosity between them. Despite the abuse they all wanted his love and acceptance. The courts finally sided with me terminating his parental rights. I could have taken everything but I turned down alimony, left him the house and most of what was in it. I just wanted my kids safe. It took years for them to heal. Some are facing wounds now as they become adults and its impact becomes clear as they start relationships of their own. Take the alimony, any help you can get. The impact of all this will hit you at some point. It can be debilitating. You may need those funds to carry yourself through hard times or even for the counseling. I’m almost a decade out now and I still don’t feel like myself yet. I made the mistake of throwing myself into helping my kids and pushed away my own pain for their sake. You will have to sort yourself out. Don’t put it off. Set up a safety net. Let your church pastor know. Make friends aware. I even went to the local women’s shelter and warned them what I was about to do and that I might come unexpectedly with my kids if things got dangerous. When the notes came saying how I would be judged and die in 2wks time I took them to the police and told them what I was going through. It wasn’t enough to do anything but if they got a call they would know why. Document, document, document. Stress makes you forget details. Take pictures. Keep a diary. Take important documents, evidence, and whatever spare cash and put it in a safety deposit box. Start thinking of an exit plan.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why He Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter - avoidant attachment. Without Conscience by Robert D Hare Boundaries by Henry Cloud Safe People by Henry Facing Codependency by Pia Melody Avoidant Abuse by Rhea Khan ebook Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Avoidant Abuse by Rhea Khan ebook Safe People by Henry Cloud Boundaries by Henry Cloud. Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup - Ken Reid podcast 🌞 Healing From A Breakup- Ken Reid podcast 🌞 The Avoidance Of Anxious Attachers- Ken Reid podcast 🌞 Avoidant Attachers And Covert Control-Ken Reid podcast 🌞 Avoidant Attacher Gaslighting -Ken Reid podcast 🌞 Narcissistic Abuse Checklist 100 Tips For Survival And Healing-- Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞 Trauma PTSD CTPSD Dissociation And Trauma Bonding by Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞 From Self Love To Self Healing -Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️ Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
@SherriFlemming Great book! Just read it. Now I'm reading "The Body Keeps the Score". I highly recommend you look into it & read if you think it may apply to you! Good luck ❤
@jmack7281 Glad to hear you read The Gift Of Fear. The Body Keeps The Score is more clinical. Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker is an easier read if you want to try it. I've read them . A few more: The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer EMDR, IFS - somatic therapy is helpful if you can afford it. The list was deleted. You're. very welcome!
I was her friend. I had a friend who told me they couldn't handle it anymore. It broke my heart and pushed me closer to my abuser. Please, I know it's taxing on your soul but please just always let your friends know that you're there for them. You don't have to put up with it all but please just don't give up on us cos we can get out, we just need help. It took me 17 years.
And it got worse when I decided I wouldn't stay with him. Now I have a protective order for life. But I nearly went back so many times because life felt impossible
10 years ago I was driving into the parking area of Buffalo Wild Wings and witnessed a mom and dad (30’s) walking from their car to the restaurant. The dad was screaming at the boy (10 yrs old) and then he slapped him and knocked him down. Mom did nothing, a younger girl was crying. I stopped the car and told him I was calling the police. Both the mom and dad ran at my car and the mom reached for me in the driver seat but I was already moving away. I called a friend at the police station and told her what happened. I had their tag number and car description. I don’t know how it ended up. The mother clearly chose dad over protecting her kids. This perpetuates generational violence.
I would be in his face and calling the police every time. My mother was killed by my father when I was 10 . There are 8 kids in my family not counting the two she lost in the last years of the abuse. N.othing is more important then getting her out. The book "Why does he do that" helped me understand the abuser and his normally inability to change. Educate her on things maybe this book will help her too.
The problem is taking a confrontational tactic may either lead him to escalate even further or her to disengage and no longer have the lifeline to get out when she is ready. Sadly, this is a situation where no course of action is without risk of things ending badly.
@@burnettaroberts4158 you will piss him off. That’s highly dangerous. You can never get in his face, and leave her there with him. He will take it out on her the minute the door closes behind you.
My condolences for your loss. The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Contact a domestic violence shelter. Theyre familar with an abusers tactics. These trained professionals will assist you with leaving safely. 🤐
And yet it slipped your mind that you’d be thrown to the other side of the room after he’s taken your phone from you. One of many reasons women do not call for help…. THEY OFTEN CANNOT!
“I love you and I will always care for you but I can’t keep seeing you hurt without doing something. I will choose YOU and your life over our friendship. When it happens again I will be calling the authorities. I will understand if you hate me after but this cycle can’t continue. However when you decide to leave, even if we haven’t talked in years I will be there for you and do everything thing in my power to help and support you” I have had this exact conversation with my friend. She was upset and didn’t talk to me for 10 months but she did finally decide to leave and I kept my word. Our friendship is now stronger than ever.
I’m still with my abusive husband. We were teenagers when we met and I was married to him at 19. When the abuse got really bad, I went to a youth health center to see an intake specialist who handled counseling and DV assistance. Told her what was happening and she said, “you’re staying with your abusive husband because you have no place to go…. You’re basically a prostitute.” My twenty something year old self was so shocked and angry. Even though I knew she was wrong it just caused so much shame. A few years later we tried couples counseling and we were explaining a situation where he shouldered me in public. I said I don’t want to be hurt and the counselor said “at least he didn’t hit you with a closed fist.” It just felt like whenever I had the courage to seek help there was always a woman confidently telling me to tolerate it. We’re still together, have two children and the physical and sexual abuse has stopped. He expresses remorse for being that way for so many years, but there is still a large part of me that’s just not okay. I’m too anxious to go to another therapist or tell anyone about it.
You're beautiful in heart. It's a good thing he expresses remorse and he changed. However, you still have to heal from the PTSD from it. He has to heal from knowing the type of man he was to the woman he married. For both of you to love each well and live a full life as an individual and together, seek healing. Talk about, to get it out, and let it go. If he's truly changed in his heart (and everyone deserves that acceptance), then move forward with God's help to be better than you both were before. Prayers and blessings to the both of you.
Get that counsellor seen to, they need to be held responsible for that type of down playing of your abuse. Don't put up with that. Practise new boundaries, hold ppl to their bs. Take your partner to a counsellor, go together. If you're staying with them you need to help yourself heal and it's going to take his major accountability. You need to do this.
You are intelligent and kind. You know that the minimization you heard from other women and experts was wrong, but it still hurts. It also increases the collective shame and feelings of abandonment. I'm glad you're both in a place now to recognize the harm, but it sounds like it's his turn to do the hard work and be vulnerable. The abuse of women by men is sadly so pervasive that even many expert women make excuses; it's time for us to stop doing that to each other and for the men to actually own their behavior.
I had a physiologist tell me to think about him and what he went through while I was the one being abused. Another councillor was being sexual towards me .Still with him to this day our children are grown ( 2 ) right now he knows I don’t care what happens anymore so he holds on. I rehoused one of my dogs my other dog passed away recently and now I am waiting for my youngest to be ready to fly the nest so he keeps telling himself she will always want to live at home because that’s the last thing keeping me with him. I now have an awesome therapist ❤❤
I called the police to check in on my best friend last December because he was/is in an abusive relationship. I’ve literally never seen such an abusive relationship in my life than the one he’s in (and I work in crisis work where I hear a lot of stories of abuse daily). I lost my best friend last December because after I called he felt I betrayed him. This has been the hardest year I’ve had to walk through because I very much miss my friend. But at the same time, I sleep better because I’m not worried sick nightly anymore about his safety because I finally got him some help even though he didn’t want it and wasn’t ready for it. He didn’t take the help but what was important was that I said “enough is enough” and I got the help started for him. I pray for him daily (sometimes multiple times a day). I go to therapy to deal with the loss and my grief at how things ended. I do self care. I love on him from a distance. I do everything I can do. For me, it was at the point where I wasn’t even allowed to get him a birthday gift because his girlfriend was THAT controlling. I wasn’t allowed to talk to him freely. I hardly ever got to see him and if I did the entire hour we got to hang out was taken up doing chores/shopping/placating her. It’s so sad how absolutely destroyed our friendship got in the span of him dating her. I can’t even put it into words, still. Some days I do feel guilty that I went behind his back to call the police to check in on him but at the same time I think that’s what I would have wanted someone to do for me, even if temporarily I would be upset they intervened… eventually I would come around. This is a hard place to be in as a friend because you do tend to worry about your friends safety quite a lot and there’s only so much you can do being that you’re not the police. Sending love to anyone supporting a loved one through this. Stay strong. 💜
Also, in terms of John’s suggestion of having an emergency fund for your friend. God told me to save one for my friend, so I have one saved for him still should he ever need it. That was something I set up almost immediately as his cards all got locked due to fraud very early on into their relationship and his phone got broken. I figured “he’s gonna need some money.” I pray God helps him see that I didn’t intend him harm by calling the police… I just honestly didn’t know how else to help. I was exhausted and very worried for his physical safety. 🥺
This hit home. My sister is being abused by her husband. She wont talk about it and refuses to leave him. I've had to take a step back because its too painful to watch. I realise now only she can take that step, I cant do it for her.
But make sure she knows you're there for it all, every step of the way for when she does finally try. And it might not work the first time but every time she will be stronger and one day she will leave because she has support.
My best friend isn't in the best relationship but you can't make others do what you think is right. He treats her like a child so he's abusive mentally and emotionally but hope she doesn't take forever...she gets so happy when he has to work overtime and she's home alone because he's annoying what a way to live it's crazy.
Does she have kids? If she won't get out for herself, maybe she will for them? I can't even begin to describe how horrible growing up with an abusive father and having my mother betray me every day by not defending us.
They can snoop on conversations/visits/phone calls/etc. just as easily. The sad reality is there's no way to engage with a situation like this without the risk of escalation if said engagement is found out.
@@mistymountainhopperA gift basket full of girl stuff that guy's hate is a decent thing. Small things like that can remind girls people are there for them.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Contact a donestic violence shelter. Theyre familar with an abusers tactics. Rhese orofessionals will help you keave safely.
Wow! Thank you so much for this video. I am a therapist and specialize in helping people leaving abusive relationships! I love your approach and you hit the ball out of the park. Thank you for sharing the information to a wider audience and helping people know how they can help. You addressed the “Why dies she stay?” question we often hear when you shared about the woman said “And then what”. So true. We all need to not judge those who are stuck because we may not know all the obstacles.
@@StaceyKirkpatrick Indeed a good therapist advises leaving. Sometimes no amount of logic will move a battered woman. The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Years ago I lived in a cheap apartment and heard my neighbor physically abusing his wife. Her sobs were horrible to listen to. I called the police. When they got there she denied anything had happened. A few days later we passed in the hallway and they asked if I was the one who called the police and assured me that what happened wasn't what it sounded like. From what little I know through fellow college alumi she's still with him. 😢 Like Dr John said, the denial when the police are called happens far too often.
She probably was punished for the police being called and was trying to protect herself from more abuse. Remember, when an outsider does something to help someone who is being abused, the victim is often blamed for the situation and abused even more. I think that is why victims often reach out for help, but then don't take help they know their abuser will find out about.
In my job, I am a mandated reporter and I think this caller is too since she is a minister. I cannot tolerate hearing abuse without reporting and so our friendship would be over in this case. It may save her friend’s life if she speaks up. I agree with #1 and how important it is for friends to hold each other accountable
My husband does not believe in reporting abuse unless you witness it or someone confessed directly to you. So a friend of mine said her uncle abused her sister, and he believed since the family knows, nothing more needs to be done. I can’t operate that way.
For this caller PLEASE Read the book The path forward surviving a narcissist. (THIS WILL HELP YOUR friend to see who her husband IS and that he will never change) Also, call your local abuse center with your friend or set up a free counseling with her at the local abuse center. If she does not want to go thats ok simply take this time to read their literature on their cite to help your friend. YOUR FRIENDS IS BEGGING FOR HELP OUT without realizing. Abuse victims typically do not tell anyone until they escape. She wants out...and you are the ONLY ONE SHE TRUST to help her out. So PLEASE get educated on abuse & how to help her out by call your local center & setting up a counseling free session for your friend. Go with her. You are a great friend but DR John gave you HORRIBLE advise. DO NOT turn your back on your friend...SHE IS LITERALLY begging for guidance since she is to stressed out to find the door out of this abusive relationship. lok up the term "narcissist mind games". this will help you to see the truth to help your friend out.
You need to get off your high horse for one thing I don’t think you know the law of a mandated reporter. In the majority of states, a mandated reporter is for children and vulnerable adults. If you are a competent adult, it does not cover you.
Wow, it’s disgusting to see how toxic the men are that comment on these videos. It’s no wonder many of my single friends have elected not to date anymore. These men are becoming bold and dangerous.
@@joshw3010 it’s not just the comments section. This bleeds into real life. Besides, people believe in what they type on the internet. They may not say it explicitly in real life, but it does influence how they treat women.
@@tonytoni1150the comment section is different for everyone, they tailor it that way. You don't necessarily see what others are seeing and vice versa.
Money and resources are the main reasons people won't leave abusive relationships. Her friend aaying sometimes it's better is because that's the cycle of abuse. When you are living with an abusive person sometimes you just want to verify that you're not going crazy and so you tell people. I do agree that the caller is not equipped to handle this at all. Maybe she can set up a little bit of money for her and then give her a number to a domestic abuse phone number. Women shelters have resources into getting temporary homes and financial support. Just abandoning her isn't right. It might have taken her a long time to even tell one person.
It sounds like she is in freeze mode. I wasted most of my life being in freeze mode because I was too weak to ask for help and nobody cared enough to reach out. I am now 68 years old and am at peace because I am alone. THAT is no way to "live". Please do something to help your friend.❤
@@LauriKunes Sadly thats very common.This is what the abuser thrives on to feel powerful as they are inept and weak themselves .First sign of violence walk away and stay gone .
I've seen this situation and it truly is up to the victim ,like it or not. Of course its scary and complicated .Suggesting therapy,a new hobby ,classes are constructive routes to take Becoming enmeshed in a situation like this where it causes upset in your own life is unhealthy. Protect you safety and put up boundaries if need be.Step back and Pray .
It’s so scary stepping out into the unknown you become convinced that you need him to do everything. From my experience never say leave never say stay just offer to be there.
@@Tim85-y2qthat’s sort of the point though. If you’re going to just be whine and complain without taking any action, then you’re better off just shutting up and dealing with the abuse yourself. You’re wasting my time complaining if you’re just gonna stay.
@@privacyplease1556Sometimes we need enough people to influence us in the right direction. It is absolutely too taxing for a lot of people to handle the strain of it. It's similar to a drug addiction.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Without Conscience by Robert D Hare Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter -avoidant attachment Facing Codependency by Pia Melody Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Safe People by Henry Cloud Boundaries by Henry Cloud Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker Trauma PTSD CTPSD Dissociation And Trauma Bonding -Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞 From Self Love To Self Healing -Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️ Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️ Healing From A Breakup-Ken Reid podcast ♥️ What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup - Ken Reid podcast ♥️ Breaking the cycle is what counts!
Escaping any abusive relationship can be overwhelming. When I taught in Saudi Arabia at an all female school, a colleague of mine was being harassed and threatened by a roommate who was assigned to her when she first arrived. At first, they seemed to get along well, but when my colleague began to secretly date another teacher from the male campus, her roommate grew jealous and really abusive. My colleague felt trapped because there were no other empty apartments in the compound where we all lived, but some of us found a way to help her. One day when the roommate was out, we moved all of my colleagues things into my apartment and hid her for about 2 weeks until the end of the school year. What looks very simple from the outside in can be really dangerous for the abused .
I love the fact that Dr. Deloney mentioned having a bit of cash strapped aside, etc. As far as I know, that's pretty much a good example of what tithes are to be used for...
@privacyplease1556 that's the last thing it should be used for. If it's luxuries they want, it should be from their own earnings (work/businesses) etc. Tithes are to help those who need it. Doing good and spreading God's Word. Both spoken but also through action.
@@privacyplease1556😂. There are some that do but trust me, they aren’t Christ followers but snakes. Tithes and offerings mostly go to the church itself to actually run the church. How do you think the building gets paid for? The Lights and other bills? The office supplies? The wage of the pastors and staff? If. Church doesn’t make more than their bills then they have nothing left to give. Many churches just break even honestly. Anyone that goes to church should be in the know of how the finances are.
That suggestion for the $2500 set aside as a church … my goodness THAT IS WHAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING … sure beats you made your bed now sleep in it approach that is so common
As much as this young woman loves her friend the best she can do is just show support and understand that this is a choice her friend is making for her life's journey . No one can do a thing for anyone else who refuses help . Sad but true. She now needs to focus on her life ,her goals and nuture healthy bonds with others . If and when the abuse reaches out for help ,be there but protect yourself and be careful what steps you take .😢.
This was me. It took me a long time to really understand this. I really needed that REAL friend, that one person who actually valued me enough to say that I mattered. Unfortunately I did not have that, I still don't. I grew up in a terribly neglectful, violent, and sexually abusive household. I fully believed that I was at my core shamefully, unworthy, and unlovable. I am learning now that belief, that core belief is a normal reaction to the abuse I have endured. It is NOT and was not ever the truth about "me". Unfortunately not all of us have that friend, that one person who truly sees you, and because of that core belief of shame many of us will never feel capable of that. ❤
Abuse should be taken more seriously BECAUSE IT'S A BIG THING. This is a personal story but I've dealt with abuse. When I was younger, my father abused me(emotionally and physically). This looked like; hitting, shoving, yelling, swearing, blaming, making me feel bad about myself, guilt tripping, lying, and when he got drunk things would escalate out of control. I also recently was in an abusive, toxic relationship with my partner so I left and now I am happy, with the right person who is supportive of me and my dreams.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Contact a domestic violence shelter. They're familiar with an abusers tactics. These professionals will assist you in leaving safely.🤐
Congratulations on hitting the 200k milestone! That's an incredible growth from 14k in just a few months - what strategies or investments did you implement to achieve this remarkable success?
Motivated by others' investment successes, I'm seeking ways to boost my income and independence from government support. What investment options or side hustles would you recommend?
I'm desperate to turn my finances around. I've been working three jobs just to pay off debt. Can someone please share contact or information? I need her help.
Just be open-minded, and trust the process. Elizabeth Marie Hawley will guide you every step of the way. And don't forget to share your testimony with others when you see the results!
Another resource is domestic violence shelters and organizations. They can offer counseling, legal advice, assistance, conflict resolution before police, and more. I have worked with our local women’s group and was totally blown away by the services they offered! I feel like they would be a good middle ground between what the first caller was actively doing and Dr. Delony’s advice! I especially didn’t know they can sometimes send someone out with a police officer to help a domestic dispute that is less nuclear than calling the police directly. I send prayers for everyone involved and hope that her friend can find a way to leave! ❤️ Thank you for being such an amazing friend to her and doing all that you have!
My best friend helped me leave my ex husband three times. I left on my own a few times as well. It is so hard to stay gone. It’s been four years and when life kicks my ass I still feel the temptation to go back. It’s the belief that you deserve it.
I will never understand women like you. Throwing your own life away for an abuser is one thing, but drawing friends and / or children into that crap IS absolutely horrible. One unplanned thing happens during the leaving period and your friend is dead. Three times!
He’s a weak insecure boy. A man done any beat his wife and or kids….a scared little boy does that because they can’t or won’t grow up! When a spouse acts like this man or woman ( yes women are abusers too) they have huge insecurity problems and they hit when anything irritates them. As time goes on it’s easy to get mad over Anything and go in and make that victim scared of you…it’s fun to them but they blame you for anything!! They mentally make you think they are the best you can ever get!! So Wrong, you’re better taking care of yourself! You have people waiting to help you ! Leave!!
My cousin NEVER Told Me she was being beaten. I found out days after she was killed and her boyfriend /child’s father was on the run from police. Years later I reported a friend’s husband was beating her and hurting her kids. I finally called the police and CPS On him for choking their baby and child services removed the children from the home. TIL this day, she tells everyone how she was thankful I Did. Help your friend but be careful not to get yourself in danger when doing so….Prayers for her and her family 😇🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Yes harming her and those who try to help .Law enforcement is needed and the legal system.Women's shelters offer programs ,with counseling, education ,child care ,housing,medical .In many states is very easy and you are protected .
It's not just about "doing the calculations", even though that can be part of it - it can be the very real fear of his retribution. The most dangerous times in an abusive situation is leaving, or having left, and that can also spill over to those helping her escape or sheltering her. I can think of many examples where that has happened. So please, stop taking this lightly and telling women to "just leave". You may as well tell her to leave the fox hole and run into a hail of bullets. Just not helpful at all, at least in the metaphorical fox hole, she can plan. Risk assessments should become more mandatory. Not just for the cops if they are called, but also for pastors etc. Pastors and the like need to be trained in DV support, and not 'try to fix a broken marriage' which is what many of them do. Yes it can be frustratingly slow as an outsider waiting for the victim to leave, but support and a place to go is what she needs, particularly with children in tow.
Nobody's taking it lightly. This is a situation where no course of action is without risk. The fact that leaving is dangerous doesn't mean that staying is not dangerous much less a viable solution. Other than having support in place to help someone through the danger there's no good answer.
Please understand that knowing the abuser will probably find you and hurt or kill you or your child after you leave is a Big reason many women stay in it.
@@Tim85-y2q Not really 'just as likely' if they stay. The victim is the narcissistic supply gravy train, when that supply is threatened, then becomes the most dangerous time.
@@davinasquirrel7672 Statistically speaking abuse virtually always escalates if left unchecked. If someone stays in an abusive relationship it WILL get worse over time in 99.9% of cases.
Some women are unable to support themselves and are terrified of becoming single mothers. Often when you are being abused you cannot face the idea of change because you're already overwhelmed.
this so much, the overwhelm... I think letting her know that you will be there to help her if she ever wants to get out. let her tell you what he does to her, and mirror it to her, so maybe she realizes, what really is happening in her relationship
My older sister is almost 40 and she was in an abusive relationship for 10 years with her first husband (she abused him as well) She just got married *quickly* after her divorce and this husband is abusing her. I *tried* SO hard for those 10 years with her ex and nothing worked. Called the cops, tried to help in any way. I always listened and talked her through things and gave advice but she didn’t do anything, she never listened to sound, common sense advice, just stayed. I was going crazy over it. It was consuming. That’s my sister I want to protect her and help her. It hurt so much listening to it for 10 years but you can only tell someone the same thing over and over. Now I live over an hour from her and can’t do anything to help with this second husband. I tried when the abuse started but quickly realized she is doing the exact same thing she did the first time. The only thing you can do is honestly, Let it be. I have talked and cried and yelled at her for years till I was blue in the face. They won’t leave until they are ready (if ever) or they go in a body bag. It’s unfortunate. It’s sad, but there’s nothing you can do from an outside perspective except try to help where you can but it eventually falls on deaf ears. I rarely talk to my sister we just see each other at holidays and I keep my distance. The thing that really gets me is her son that’s been watching this happen since he was a baby. Now he’s 14 and he seems miserable, depressed, a shell of himself. Idk what’s all going on in that house but I get info from my mom regularly and it’s *really* bad. For my sanity I had to step away, it may not be for everyone because of it being family, a spouse etc but you have to.
It's often like this. My experience with it really hardened my heart against battered women. I agree on just dropping it. You can't make them press charges, you can't make them leave, and even if you manage to convince them, they usually go running back, and come boo-hooing to you when the cycle repeats. I came to the conclusion that people who do that like the drama and attention.
@@mmasanjose4087 he’s now a very bad influence on my 8 and 3 year old. So no I will not bring him into my home on the weekends. Like I stated, I tried for 10 years. Plus it’s not my role to be his mother , she should step up. Her parenting is a whole other story
@@Kivlor 1000% yes. That’s my sister. Drama drama all about me and crying about how bad her life is when she literally put herself in this situation the second time
I would have already called the police. I'm a Christian as well. However, I refuse to allow someone to abuse another person without stopping it. Or at least trying to.
You can call the police but you can't make the abused speak up or leave the abuser. I suppose calling the police will put the abuser in their cross-hairs if the abused ends up in the hospital or killed.
Let her know you love her, let her know you’ll be there for no matter what, don’t step back. Show her that she has one consistent safe space in her life. & then Call the cops,
Wow. My daughter passed away 2 months ago from the indirect abuse you just described. Friends and family abandoned her as she began to sound like “a broken record” and would always go back. It simply was too painful to be close to her. My heart breaks as we never knew the depth of her torment.
I love that about Dr. John Deloney. He doesn't play, he said come over with 6 men in case you want to start something. I wish I had someone in my life like that
The scariest part is that when you do finally leave an abuser, he's most likely going to be extremely violent at that point. Statistically this is true, and it happened to me.
@davinasquirrel7672 Exactly 💯. Mine ended up in prison for attempted murder. Of me. He served 15 years. But he only got that violent when I had a plan and was leaving for good.
I've been a minister for 10 years now, and have never felt more lonely. I wish I had a group of guy friends like the ones Dr. John talks about at 11:16. I've actually never had friends like that and even the guys I hung out with before I went into ministry are now the ones who look to me as their pastor, so the dynamic has changed. I pray that I can find a group of solid guy friends like Dr. John has. I truly appreciate him sharing that part of his life with us. It gives me a little bit of hope in a strange way.
Personally i would suggest going the police when you know nothing imminent is happening. Physically make a report of exactly what you know, what youve seen, what you have heard. That way they wont come around with lights and sirens and put her at risk, but later on if she does want to make a report theres some corroboration and a date. Then sit her down, take her to lunch if you can, and tell her you know what up, its not ok, its not her fault, and she shouldnt stay. Tell her thr second shes ready to leave, you will show up as quickly as possible with reinforcements and get her and everything precious to her, but until that day you cant sit by and watch the life be slowly crushed out of her. Give her your number, make her memorise it, and tell her to copy it down in a few places, like pencil it in a page of a novel that not going to get thrown away. Let her know where the nearest payphones are to her. Let her know about DV services in your area. Then let her go. You cant save someone who doesnt want to be saved and standing by isnt healthy for either of you. It causes you moral injury and lets her compartmentalise/vent instead of facing reality.
That's the most sensible thing I've heard on domestic abuse. If you could easily escape then the person wouldn't do it. They know you have no options. No access to money or savings, leaving the children behind, friends who dont enen believe you because he's such a 'nice guy.' I love the idea of a church fund. That's genuine help. I don't want to hear you need to get out. We all know that! It's the how. Christians love to say I'll pray for you but there's a lack of tangible help. Think practical help.
It’s hard to say this but there comes a point where a dependency developed between you and the person being abused, a trauma bond. You will see your friendship morphing into a counseling session. You become a dumping ground for their feelings and their new coping mechanism. Now your friend has two dysfunctional relationships and you are being traumatized by their secrets. You need to give them choices and let them make them. Say I am not going to carry this, it’s poison. You can’t carry it, it’s killing you. These are our options, let’s form a plan. If you won’t work with me you will have to figure it out on your own. You can’t enter the depths and save a drowning friend who is grasping at anything to save them. They will pull you under and you will drown together. Don’t try supporting them alone. There is safety in the multitude of counselors. Document, document, document. Pictures of bruises, mark when she comes to you right after an incident. Help her get a consult with a lawyer. The first one is usually free.
There are nonprofits with services and/or shelters in larger towns & cities. There are city and/or county social workers who are trained to work domestic abuse, some counseling is free, others are on a sliding scale. BUT, if she contacts Womens’ Centers or Shelters, they can explain how they can help her transition out of the home with PRACTICAL advice: this is what we do, how we help women in your situation, whether it is finding a place, filing a restraining order, etc. While the caller doesn’t want to abandon the abused friend, it is a “vampire suck”on her emotionally, mentally, & becomes a physical stressor for her. The old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink”, fits here.
My best friend came to me yesterday and said "youve been in an abusive relationship for years ". He never touched me physically so i didnt see it. He was emotionally and mentally abusive and i didnt realise it. I thought i was the problem. Im now chronically ill, can no longer work fulltime or take care of the house. Ive nowhere to go, ive no money. He is now financially abusive knowing im dependent on him (i never was, i was always independent in every way). He recently told me i shouldve unalived myself when i got sick. The emotional abuse was dreadful when i was bedridden. I dreaded waking up every day. I just wanted to die. He has now ended our marriage due to my illness and myself and my son have nowhere to go, after 2 decades of building a life for my family. Im trying to be strong but the pull to give up is so strong.
What is sad is how traumatizing this is to the children. When your husband and you argue and fight it is terrifying to them because they love you both and are not able to do anything. If he is not willing to go to anger management counseling then leave.
IV been in both positions you need be there for her no matter what even if you have have distance for yourself just make sure they have a way to contact you when they need you one day she will get over it and leave I promise
It statistically takes several attempts before an abuse victim can leave. The fear of retaliation and cycle of abuse. It's also the time when they are most likely to die at the hands of their abuser. Be persistent. If you can't handle helping ok, but try just staying her friend. It's ok if you're struggling
When they are scared it’s because they feel like they have no where else to go. If you want to help her you can offer to have her live with you till she can get on her feet and if he tries to go there you can get a restraining order. You can tell her not to tell her husband and back a bag and sneak out and you will pick her up if she doesn’t have a car. If you have a family just limit her to one month but take her to the welfare office to register for being homeless and needs food stamps so she can help provide for herself till she gets back on her feet.
@@joygarrett8397 Yes, several reasons. Firstly, those not trained in DV should not really attempt to counsel/fix, and there is likely to be a data dump when she gets away. Secondly, the real possibility that he will track her down, and 'helpers' or 'shelterers' or other family members/helpers can get caught in the crossfire (ie killed).
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker It is recommended to contact a domestic violence shelter. They're familiar with an abusers tactics. These professionals will assist in leaving safely. 🤐
You can’t care more than she does. Tell her to keep it to herself. It is selfish of her to trauma dump on you with no plans to leave. She’s making her abuse your problem when it’s a HER problem. It’s one thing to help a friend leave, but if she plans to stay, tell her to quit complaining and suck it up or else you’re leaving the friendship.
I did exactly this to a cousin of mine. I am in my 70's and in poor health, and I have a 44 year old son who is in poor health as well, which is a constant worry for me. After realizing that my cousin was never going to leave him, I finally told her frankly, that I could not handle the stress she was bringing into my life, and that she needed to seek professional help . That was 3 months ago, and I haven't heard from her since. While I no longer have the stress of her unloading on me, I now feel guilty, and afraid for her well being.
Having been in an abusive relationship, I’ll tell you, it’s NOTHING like what you think it would be like (from looking at it from the outside). Often times, you have a good job, a good church home, good friends, etc…and when it comes time to figure out HOW to flee from an abusive relationship (and that’s what you’d be doing…actually fleeing and maybe even having to go into hiding for a period of time)…you start to realize how it’s going to blow up EVERY other relationship you have (at least for a period of time)….like your job, your church home, friends, etc. It’s never as simple as “they just need to decide to leave.”
@@PoppiesAndSweetDreams Not all situations are equal. Some are life-threatening…and some are not quite there yet. And yes…it normally escalates. However…if you’ve never been in that situation, you can’t understand just how confusing it can be. From the outside looking in, it’s almost always, “you just need to leave.” Well…think about leaving your entire life behind in one fell swoop…like in an instant. That’s massively daunting for anyone. That doesn’t mean that leaving shouldn’t happen…just that it’s not as easy as just dropping everything and starting a brand new life free and clear.
Also it's not even the leaving that is the only challenging part...it's STAYING AWAY. It takes EVERYTHING out of you. And you get those pesky "what if he changes for the next person" bs thoughts that make you miss them and get sucked back in. IT SUCKS (no pun intended)
Dear Caller, If you want to help your friend out of a abusive relationship read the book: The Path forward surviving a narcissist by LS. Then you will have the understanding of how to help your friend, who her abuser is & what mind games he uses to control her mind literally and how to help her out of her abusive relationship. Then have your friend read the book at your home (for her safety). Your friend IS BEGGING for help out of her relationship just by telling you what is happend. HELP HER do not turn your back. Find a local abuse center for her to go to for FREE counseling and a Safety & Exit plan out of her relationship.
@@shayesmithcustomlyricvideos 🙄so confusion is a reason to live in the status quoe waiting for the inevitable hit that has no tomorrow after it? When you say it isn't that simple it's only because people complicate it with reasons to not leave..most of which trickle down to money 💰. Women's organizations are in every single city, and Church. But, if you always have a reason to stay you'll always be putting yourself and your children in danger. If you can live with that,🙏 God help you. 🙏
It's hard when the person tells you not to call. When I was a minor multiple people knew of my abuse story and no one did anything. I would blab about it and then tell them not to say. Adults saw it in person and didn't even intervene, unfortunately it's normal. People don't want to rock the boat.
I have called the cops when my manager was beaten by her husband but I didn't witness it. I only saw her after the fact. The police said they wouldn't be able to press charges unless she wanted. I told them her Husband is outside the store 6-10 times a day. The police said they'd send an undercover police officer the next day. I don't know if they did or didn't but if they had gone to her home and seen her face that was bruised from him hitting her they should have been able to do something. Unfortunately she kept saying later it wasn't his fault and he's promised to not do it again. They were only married for 4 months!
Most cops *can't* do anything because the laws don't yet account for the dangers a woman faces when trying to leave an abusive relationship, especially if the woman is also a mother. Many cops in better areas *won't* do anything because they're mostly men who will back up the guy (the 'bro network') or they are women who have spent their lives trying to be treated equal to men on the men's terms and so will treat female victims of family violence with the same disdain as the other men on the force.
Calling the police can get that person killed. Especially if they are not ready to walk away and deny the abuse. They'll go back and ot will get worse. I remember when my sisters abuser got out on bond the first person he looked for was her.
The caller said it. I have to hear all of this, give advice, and see nothing happen with the advice. I would go with option 1. Because I've seen option 2 end with the person being abused telling the abuser and suddenly they become violent towards the friend. There really is no good end to this. So, you've told them what to do, and if they won't do it... Option 1.
This is tricky because someone like this is codependent and you don’t want to be the next person they are codependent on (not because it’s a burden but because it doesn’t help them get over that.)
I was in the situation the friend was in and I told no one until we got pregnant “because that was going to fix the situation because he said he wouldn’t hit a pregnant woman.” I didn’t know what to do Someone coming along side with answers, or suggestions, or help would be appreciated. It’s a tough situation and as many reactions as there are people.
Pregnancy and childbirth do not stop DV, in fact, often the opposite. The abuser believes "she is trapped now" so he lets loose. Some abusers don't even show their true colours until pregnancy/childbirth, so it can be quite a shock to the woman. If abuse starts or continues at pregnancy/childbirth, that is a very serious situation and she needs to get out.
After the pregnancy, then what? Are you going to subject your child to the same suffering and pain you deal with? If you decide to accept your life with the abuse, just make it about your self. Don't involve a child. Either abortion or adoption is ok imo. You have to understand that something broken can never be the same again as if it's whole. You yourself, your relationship, your feelings can never be the same after abuse starts. A child is a big responsibility. He/she won't fix what is is broken and hopeless. He/she can't save you from your abuser. And absolutely he/she can't heal you.
My family member had an abusive boyfriend for years. She finally left him & moved to a different state. A short time later, the guy beat his new girlfriend to death.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker It is recommended to contact a domestic violence shelter. They're familiar with an abusers tactics. These professionals will assist in leaving safely. 🤐
Thanks for the breakdown! Just a quick off-topic question: I have a SafePal wallet with USDT, and I have the seed phrase. (alarm fetch churn bridge exercise tape speak race clerk couch crater letter). How should I go about transferring them to Binance?
7:30 AND THEN WHAT this!! I left because I had nowhere to go. When I finally left the judge granted 50:50 because “just because there is DV between them doesn’t prove there is DV towards the children” so now I left and my children are there without me as a shield every other week.
That’s exactly why some people stay. It’s disgusting that custody would be given to somebody who’s abusive. If they are abusive with their spouse then they are abusive to the kids.
In case anyone reads this: in cases of su!cide or sth, be so safe with the person. Especially if a person has suffered abuse by mental health facilities, which happens more than you know. Calling 911 can be a death sentence by itself. If they tell you don't involve the authorities, *leave* if you think you cannot honour that. Someone suffering from trauma, or abuse, has had their autonomy taken from them for a long time. Don't be another person who overtakes them. Be someone who honours them, and if you cannot honour their boundaries, honour yours by cutting contact.
The lady who phoned in asked her friend the questions she knew where it was headed but now cos the lady can’t find it just now to leave, you now don’t want to listen? And you haven’t called the police? She said it’s hard to listen to this anyways but especially when you love them! What! we are supposed love everyone!!
These women often won't leave. They'll allow their children to go through hell and be neglected and will still choose the abuser. Ultimately let her make her choice to choose him, and walk away. If she wanted to leave she'd figure it out.
Wait a minute. It can take many many times to leave an abusive spouse. She may have been threatened and knows he will kill her when she goes. Calling the cops won’t do anything because she will be frightened. The only time that helps is if you send the cops while it’s going on, they need to see it happen. Suggest she put up a small hidden camera in the home, get smart and sneaky and help her do not turn your back on her. Giving her an ultimatum is not the answer.
My dad was physically verbally and emotionally abusive to my siblings and to my mom..... My mom would go around town telling everybody that would listen about how awful my father was and everyone would feel so bad for her but she would leave the house when everything's got too bad for her to handle and we would get left behind and then she would come back when she felt like it and it would happen all over again..... Some women are willing victims and abuse because they get to be a perpetual victim.... Sometimes you just got to let people be
@@hillarybillary21 Perhaps get some DV training, or at the very least, spend several years researching the matter, then and only then, offer your opinion. I know of a dead woman who, had cameras installed at the door and various places and tried to "leave". She was thrown off a balcony, about 20 storeys, with a note found in her pocket "he has cameras everywhere". Or about half the women killed in DV, they have left, and he kills them. And just for 'good measure', those that helped her (eg the one who killed his estranged wife, and her mother). This is actually the stuff that makes it HARD to leave. So really, until you do the research on this, you prove how little you know about why it can be hard to leave. It's embarrassing for you really. Unlike you, I have compassion and understanding of what they are going through, and just how hard it actually is to get away safely from an abuser.
Report him. It can be anonymously. Next time you see a mark on her, call the cops. Dont tell her, but do it. Ask for a welfare check and tell them whats going on.
It's scary as hell. I was at a point where I was thinking of things that no one should think of doing to get out of the abusive relationship I was in. I remember I lost MOST of those. However, the same God that I went to my church home to worship, I still had Him, and He carried me. No matter what I've said and done, He's always been the one constant. I lost them all at once, and those that remained disappeared in drips and drabs. Those I learned were seasonal relationships. That was a rough lesson, especially knowing that you're the victim. All in all, it was a blessing. Had I not learned to let go of a man that could teach the devil the thing or two about being evil, I would not have been able or even had the opportunity to be married to the man I'm married to or have the children I have. I broke the generational curse of having toxic men in our lives as partners. That's a blessing by itself. I strongly believe in having a church home. However, there are times when we make the mistake at one point in time of confining God to a building with the notion of only being able to meet up with Him once or twice a week. My heart truly goes out to those who get dropped by their church home, especially since the leadership as well as congregation should have a heart to show the grace, love, and non judgment (to love one another as Christ loves us) and our neighbour as we do ourselves. There are those churches that need to get back to the root, and instead of fluffy stuff being preached, give the hard-core messages that no one wants to hear but NEED to hear. We need to be worshipping the Creator of the universe instead of the universe. We need to realise that as children of God, we are in this world and not of it. We need to mostly remember that instead of worshipping the person behind the pulpit, we need to be worshipping God who is using the human as a vessel to preach or teach his Word. There should be no judgment shown to those in need or less fortunate as it's things like that that have made Christianity look like a joke. We are to recognize and call out the ungodly behaviour and leave the judgment of the person themselves for God to deal with. And for crying our loud, the gossip rings need to disappear. The addict and the hooker and the dealer, etc. need God just as much as you do. The pretty bag or shiny car doesn't make you need God less, in fact, most likely, you need Him more.❤
I disagree with this SO SO hard!! First of all, most of us need to hear a lot of repeated truths to be said to us before we can get out of manipulative, abusive cycles. It's not a matter of giving advice: "I think you should leave. Don't let him hurt you." If it were that simple, if it were that EASY to leave cycles of abuse, her friend wouldn't be in this place. Secondly, if you tell someone "I can't hear this anymore, please don't talk about this with me," or "If you tell me something about this again, I will call the police, whether you like it or not," you are removing yourself as a source of reality/safety in their cesspool of lies and manipulation (that they are hearing from their abuser) and you are making sure they DON'T TELL YOU when they are in trouble. What he suggests might seem like a caring thing to do - to say you want to keep the relationship but put an end to the inaction...a very grown-up, mature, boundary-setting things to say....But it is one of the shittiest things you could do, because you are actually just abandoning them because YOU can't handle the discomfort of not being able to change a situation they are in or make them want to change it. The sense of powerlessness that gives you is the burden you can choose to carry, if you want to be a friend who sticks by their side. Best case scenario (not that it is always possible) is to continue to listen and firmly tell them the same thing over and over: "this is not right, you don't deserve this, you need to get out, I know this is scary, I know you feel guilty at the thought of leaving, but this is not real love that he/she is giving you, I will help you in any way I can, I am willing to help make a plan to get you safely out." Then when they are ready for change, they will come to you - instead of you getting a call from the morgue and Dateline making a special: "unfortunately, she had no one to call and no place to go."
There's so much help available yet you can't control others . For whatever reason this woman is not ready to help herself . If she comes to and asks then direct her to a Womens Shelter .
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft Without Conscience by Robert D Hare Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Facing Codependency by Pia Melody Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody Safe People by Henry Cloud Boundaries by Henry Cloud Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker Trauma PTSD CTPSD Dissociation And Trauma Bonding -Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞 Breaking the cycle is what counts!
Nope, mind your business and be a friend from a far - like way far away. Your friend is grown and doesn’t want to change her situation. Not your concern
This is poor advice from John and a poor friend. To in any way add to what is already likely happening in terms of coercing, giving ultimatums or isolating this woman is unthinkable. Be a friend. It takes time to work out your mind when someone you love abuses you. It takes time and to have a friend to talk with safely is an amazing thing. The lack of awareness of domestic violence and how it functions and how to help is so crazy. Be a proper friend. Don’t be another bully issuing threats. Don’t enable the abuser in isolating your friend.
My best friend went from a 15 year physically and emotionally abusive relationship that she finally left, to an even more emotionally abusive relationship. She’s now an alcoholic and a shell of her former self but won’t leave and stay gone. I’ve helped her leave twice now and he talks her into going back each time. Im so worried she’s going to drink herself to death or kill herself
A friend of mine helped me running away. She brought friends and her brothers to help my way out. He stayed quietly looking at me and all the guys helping taking all the stuff out. Abusers are freaking cowards. They beat up women but they chicken out when they see guys around. They guys threatened him. 🙏🙏🙏My friend gave me some money and I stayed in her place for three months. I left my city so I was able to find a my own place and a job and to pay her back. She is my angel. Friends are our way out. Don't abandon her please. Offer real help ( money and a place to stay ) Bring male guys to scare the abuser. She will get stronger.❤❤❤❤❤
13 years ago I chose sleeping in my car with a 1 month old and 3 year old, over an abusive relationship. Today I am married to a kind, gentle man who loves me and my kids, I own a business that helps disadvantaged people and I'm earning my doctorate degree. It's so hard to leave, but if you can get over that pain, a better life is on the other side.
Great success story!💛
I was in a very abusive relationship with the father of my children for 9 years. I wasnt permitted to have friends except for one. I didn't even have a phone to call anyone for help. Anyone who did talk to me noticed the abuse but I was terrified to leave. He threatened to kill my family if I did leave. Somehow I managed to convince him that I need to leave for awhile but told him I'd be back. Here literally had me in the middle of nowhere. When I left my sister came and picked me up. Of course I never went back. It was tough for a minute but I pulled my life together. It was the greatest thing I've ever done for myself.
Were your friends a bunch of single women alcoholics? seems like a bunch of information missing
That was very brave. I'm so glad you are safe now.
@@T8kittothelimit what about your kids??
Please get your children counseling so the abuse ends with him. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
@buffalosabresloyalist8913 My children are grown and all are doing beautifully in their lives and marriages.
My friend had a friend who was in an abusive relationship. Me and three other guys went over and helped her move out while he wasn't home. He came home right when we were finishing up. He just stared at the ground. He was too much of a coward to even look at us.
Good men, the lot you four. 🙏🏻
Kudos to you and your friends.
Thank god you were there 🫶🏼
👏👏👏.✨ Not surprising.
I need friends like that😢🎉❤
I grew up in a household where our father abused us and my mother did (almost) nothing about it. She maybe said "stop" a few times when he got close to potentially doing permanent damage, but she always sided with him in the end. I ran away a couple times for my safety when I thought I might not survive him. When I returned, my mom asked me to apologize to him. I think she's still in denial all these years later. I know many women out there are struggling with abusers, but please, you've got to get out for your kids. I will never recover from what was done to me, but the silence from my mother was even worse.
Menendez Brothers. That’s how it could end.
Literally went through the same childhood. My step dad never hit her. But would abuse me. She maybe said stop a few times too but always sided with him and eventually get angry with me and tell me it's my fault. She put me in a group home for troubled teenagers when I was in highschool and convinced everyone I was the problem. She even started to get meaner and more violent as I got older. Her and I haven't spoken in years because he told her I wasn't allowed to see her once I moved out. And she'd rather lose her child then leave him. You're not alone. It doesn't make it any less lonely though.❤🙏🏼
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Facing Codependency by Pia Melody
Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Kolk
Why You Choose The Wrong People-Ken Reid podcast 🌞
Healing From A Breakup-Ken Reid podcast 🌞
What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup - Ken Reid podcast 🌞
From Self Love To Self Healing -Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It! by Kamal Ravikant ♥️
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Healing From A Breakup-Ken Reid podcast 🌞
What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup - Ken Reid podcast 🌞
From Self Love To Self Healing -Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
This was like you were talking about my story. We were 4 siblings and started to run away when i was 5, my little sister was 4, my two older siblings 9 and 10 years old. We never had success. As soon as the night appeared we were so frightened in the dark that we always went back. Other times he was able to find us (we grew up in a very rural area with no neighbours so seek help from so we were in the fields/woods) before the night came and draged us back to his dungeon he called home.
I was married in my early 20’s to a violent man and I kept taking him back. He would apologize and I thought he would change 🤦🏼♀️ Finally after 5 years and him almost killing me, I made a plan and I left the county. He did several months in jail and I never went back. He did the same thing in his next relationships. Once you get away from it you can see clearly and you’re happy.
Even if she leaves, he will abuse her throughout the divorce. It doesn’t stop. So glad he brought it up. She will need years of support - years.
Yep. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves.
@@elizabethschuler8890 I was married 15yrs when I left. I had to setup a church intervention just to give him the divorce papers and get out with my kids. I left the house that very day and never turned back. It was a 3 1/2yr battle in the courts and cost me tens of thousands of dollars. I received threatening letters and he told the kids if they accused him of abuse he would put their heads through the wall. He tried picking the kids he wanted to keep and created animosity between them. Despite the abuse they all wanted his love and acceptance. The courts finally sided with me terminating his parental rights. I could have taken everything but I turned down alimony, left him the house and most of what was in it. I just wanted my kids safe. It took years for them to heal. Some are facing wounds now as they become adults and its impact becomes clear as they start relationships of their own. Take the alimony, any help you can get. The impact of all this will hit you at some point. It can be debilitating. You may need those funds to carry yourself through hard times or even for the counseling. I’m almost a decade out now and I still don’t feel like myself yet. I made the mistake of throwing myself into helping my kids and pushed away my own pain for their sake. You will have to sort yourself out. Don’t put it off. Set up a safety net. Let your church pastor know. Make friends aware. I even went to the local women’s shelter and warned them what I was about to do and that I might come unexpectedly with my kids if things got dangerous. When the notes came saying how I would be judged and die in 2wks time I took them to the police and told them what I was going through. It wasn’t enough to do anything but if they got a call they would know why. Document, document, document. Stress makes you forget details. Take pictures. Keep a diary. Take important documents, evidence, and whatever spare cash and put it in a safety deposit box. Start thinking of an exit plan.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why He Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter - avoidant attachment.
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Safe People by Henry
Facing Codependency by Pia Melody
Avoidant Abuse by Rhea Khan ebook
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Avoidant Abuse by Rhea Khan ebook
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Boundaries by Henry Cloud.
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup - Ken Reid podcast 🌞
Healing From A Breakup- Ken Reid podcast 🌞
The Avoidance Of Anxious Attachers- Ken Reid podcast 🌞
Avoidant Attachers And Covert Control-Ken Reid podcast 🌞
Avoidant Attacher Gaslighting -Ken Reid podcast 🌞
Narcissistic Abuse Checklist 100 Tips For Survival And Healing-- Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞
Trauma PTSD CTPSD Dissociation And Trauma Bonding by Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞
From Self Love To Self Healing -Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
@SherriFlemming Great book! Just read it. Now I'm reading "The Body Keeps the Score". I highly recommend you look into it & read if you think it may apply to you! Good luck ❤
@jmack7281 Glad to hear you read The Gift Of Fear. The Body Keeps The Score is more clinical. Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker is an easier read if you want to try it.
I've read them .
A few more:
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
EMDR, IFS - somatic therapy is helpful if you can afford it.
The list was deleted. You're. very welcome!
Abuse always escalates without intervention. One incident of abusive is one too many.
Absolutely.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
I was her friend. I had a friend who told me they couldn't handle it anymore. It broke my heart and pushed me closer to my abuser. Please, I know it's taxing on your soul but please just always let your friends know that you're there for them. You don't have to put up with it all but please just don't give up on us cos we can get out, we just need help. It took me 17 years.
And it got worse when I decided I wouldn't stay with him. Now I have a protective order for life. But I nearly went back so many times because life felt impossible
This.
10 years ago I was driving into the parking area of Buffalo Wild Wings and witnessed a mom and dad (30’s) walking from their car to the restaurant. The dad was screaming at the boy (10 yrs old) and then he slapped him and knocked him down. Mom did nothing, a younger girl was crying. I stopped the car and told him I was calling the police. Both the mom and dad ran at my car and the mom reached for me in the driver seat but I was already moving away. I called a friend at the police station and told her what happened. I had their tag number and car description. I don’t know how it ended up. The mother clearly chose dad over protecting her kids. This perpetuates generational violence.
Why wasn't it reported ? Calling a friend as opposed to calling in a crime of child abuse?
I'd have just called the police and not saud a word to those people. Those poor children .
Good for you
He more than likely beats them ALL. She was probably scared her beating would be worse if she didn’t defend him…😢
@@deniseganey6890You need to work on reading comprehension. She called a friend AT ThE POLICE STATION
I would be in his face and calling the police every time. My mother was killed by my father when I was 10 . There are 8 kids in my family not counting the two she lost in the last years of the abuse. N.othing is more important then getting her out. The book "Why does he do that" helped me understand the abuser and his normally inability to change. Educate her on things maybe this book will help her too.
The problem is taking a confrontational tactic may either lead him to escalate even further or her to disengage and no longer have the lifeline to get out when she is ready.
Sadly, this is a situation where no course of action is without risk of things ending badly.
@@burnettaroberts4158 you will piss him off. That’s highly dangerous. You can never get in his face, and leave her there with him.
He will take it out on her the minute the door closes behind you.
So very sorry for your loss.
My condolences for your loss.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Contact a domestic violence shelter. Theyre familar with an abusers tactics. These trained professionals will assist you with leaving safely. 🤐
And yet it slipped your mind that you’d be thrown to the other side of the room after he’s taken your phone from you.
One of many reasons women do not call for help….
THEY OFTEN CANNOT!
“I love you and I will always care for you but I can’t keep seeing you hurt without doing something. I will choose YOU and your life over our friendship. When it happens again I will be calling the authorities. I will understand if you hate me after but this cycle can’t continue. However when you decide to leave, even if we haven’t talked in years I will be there for you and do everything thing in my power to help and support you” I have had this exact conversation with my friend. She was upset and didn’t talk to me for 10 months but she did finally decide to leave and I kept my word. Our friendship is now stronger than ever.
I’m still with my abusive husband. We were teenagers when we met and I was married to him at 19. When the abuse got really bad, I went to a youth health center to see an intake specialist who handled counseling and DV assistance. Told her what was happening and she said, “you’re staying with your abusive husband because you have no place to go…. You’re basically a prostitute.” My twenty something year old self was so shocked and angry. Even though I knew she was wrong it just caused so much shame. A few years later we tried couples counseling and we were explaining a situation where he shouldered me in public. I said I don’t want to be hurt and the counselor said “at least he didn’t hit you with a closed fist.” It just felt like whenever I had the courage to seek help there was always a woman confidently telling me to tolerate it. We’re still together, have two children and the physical and sexual abuse has stopped. He expresses remorse for being that way for so many years, but there is still a large part of me that’s just not okay. I’m too anxious to go to another therapist or tell anyone about it.
You're beautiful in heart. It's a good thing he expresses remorse and he changed. However, you still have to heal from the PTSD from it. He has to heal from knowing the type of man he was to the woman he married. For both of you to love each well and live a full life as an individual and together, seek healing. Talk about, to get it out, and let it go. If he's truly changed in his heart (and everyone deserves that acceptance), then move forward with God's help to be better than you both were before. Prayers and blessings to the both of you.
Get that counsellor seen to, they need to be held responsible for that type of down playing of your abuse. Don't put up with that. Practise new boundaries, hold ppl to their bs. Take your partner to a counsellor, go together. If you're staying with them you need to help yourself heal and it's going to take his major accountability. You need to do this.
You are intelligent and kind. You know that the minimization you heard from other women and experts was wrong, but it still hurts. It also increases the collective shame and feelings of abandonment. I'm glad you're both in a place now to recognize the harm, but it sounds like it's his turn to do the hard work and be vulnerable. The abuse of women by men is sadly so pervasive that even many expert women make excuses; it's time for us to stop doing that to each other and for the men to actually own their behavior.
You are worth being safe and you are worth healing.
I had a physiologist tell me to think about him and what he went through while I was the one being abused. Another councillor was being sexual towards me .Still with him to this day our children are grown ( 2 ) right now he knows I don’t care what happens anymore so he holds on. I rehoused one of my dogs my other dog passed away recently and now I am waiting for my youngest to be ready to fly the nest so he keeps telling himself she will always want to live at home because that’s the last thing keeping me with him. I now have an awesome therapist ❤❤
I called the police to check in on my best friend last December because he was/is in an abusive relationship. I’ve literally never seen such an abusive relationship in my life than the one he’s in (and I work in crisis work where I hear a lot of stories of abuse daily). I lost my best friend last December because after I called he felt I betrayed him. This has been the hardest year I’ve had to walk through because I very much miss my friend. But at the same time, I sleep better because I’m not worried sick nightly anymore about his safety because I finally got him some help even though he didn’t want it and wasn’t ready for it. He didn’t take the help but what was important was that I said “enough is enough” and I got the help started for him. I pray for him daily (sometimes multiple times a day). I go to therapy to deal with the loss and my grief at how things ended. I do self care. I love on him from a distance. I do everything I can do. For me, it was at the point where I wasn’t even allowed to get him a birthday gift because his girlfriend was THAT controlling. I wasn’t allowed to talk to him freely. I hardly ever got to see him and if I did the entire hour we got to hang out was taken up doing chores/shopping/placating her. It’s so sad how absolutely destroyed our friendship got in the span of him dating her. I can’t even put it into words, still. Some days I do feel guilty that I went behind his back to call the police to check in on him but at the same time I think that’s what I would have wanted someone to do for me, even if temporarily I would be upset they intervened… eventually I would come around. This is a hard place to be in as a friend because you do tend to worry about your friends safety quite a lot and there’s only so much you can do being that you’re not the police. Sending love to anyone supporting a loved one through this. Stay strong. 💜
Also, in terms of John’s suggestion of having an emergency fund for your friend. God told me to save one for my friend, so I have one saved for him still should he ever need it. That was something I set up almost immediately as his cards all got locked due to fraud very early on into their relationship and his phone got broken. I figured “he’s gonna need some money.” I pray God helps him see that I didn’t intend him harm by calling the police… I just honestly didn’t know how else to help. I was exhausted and very worried for his physical safety. 🥺
I LOVE Delony’s idea of a 2,500 fund that the Church has handy for cases like these
This hit home. My sister is being abused by her husband. She wont talk about it and refuses to leave him. I've had to take a step back because its too painful to watch. I realise now only she can take that step, I cant do it for her.
But make sure she knows you're there for it all, every step of the way for when she does finally try. And it might not work the first time but every time she will be stronger and one day she will leave because she has support.
@mistymountainhopper wise words. Thank you
My best friend isn't in the best relationship but you can't make others do what you think is right. He treats her like a child so he's abusive mentally and emotionally but hope she doesn't take forever...she gets so happy when he has to work overtime and she's home alone because he's annoying what a way to live it's crazy.
Does she have kids? If she won't get out for herself, maybe she will for them? I can't even begin to describe how horrible growing up with an abusive father and having my mother betray me every day by not defending us.
@melissab3217 yes but she still won't leave. I'm so disappointed in her
Don't put it in a letter. Abusive men snoop and that could end up very bad
They can snoop on conversations/visits/phone calls/etc. just as easily. The sad reality is there's no way to engage with a situation like this without the risk of escalation if said engagement is found out.
@@Tim85-y2qyes we know, any advice? It's not like it's impossible
@@mistymountainhopperA gift basket full of girl stuff that guy's hate is a decent thing. Small things like that can remind girls people are there for them.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Contact a donestic violence shelter. Theyre familar with an abusers tactics. Rhese orofessionals will help you keave safely.
Wow! Thank you so much for this video. I am a therapist and specialize in helping people leaving abusive relationships! I love your approach and you hit the ball out of the park. Thank you for sharing the information to a wider audience and helping people know how they can help.
You addressed the “Why dies she stay?” question we often hear when you shared about the woman said “And then what”. So true. We all need to not judge those who are stuck because we may not know all the obstacles.
@@StaceyKirkpatrick
Indeed a good therapist advises leaving.
Sometimes no amount of logic will move a battered woman.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
My ex had the audacity to tell me he used to send his BM to the ER, I have nothing to complain about...😮 I am happily single now.
Years ago I lived in a cheap apartment and heard my neighbor physically abusing his wife. Her sobs were horrible to listen to. I called the police. When they got there she denied anything had happened. A few days later we passed in the hallway and they asked if I was the one who called the police and assured me that what happened wasn't what it sounded like. From what little I know through fellow college alumi she's still with him. 😢 Like Dr John said, the denial when the police are called happens far too often.
She probably was punished for the police being called and was trying to protect herself from more abuse. Remember, when an outsider does something to help someone who is being abused, the victim is often blamed for the situation and abused even more. I think that is why victims often reach out for help, but then don't take help they know their abuser will find out about.
That's sad. She put you at risk too by preventing the police from arresting him. Thank you for calling.
Sometimes no amount of logic can move a battered women.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
In my job, I am a mandated reporter and I think this caller is too since she is a minister. I cannot tolerate hearing abuse without reporting and so our friendship would be over in this case. It may save her friend’s life if she speaks up. I agree with #1 and how important it is for friends to hold each other accountable
Clergy are only mandated reporters in certain states, and only in certain situations. In most places, conversations with clergy are privileged
My husband does not believe in reporting abuse unless you witness it or someone confessed directly to you. So a friend of mine said her uncle abused her sister, and he believed since the family knows, nothing more needs to be done. I can’t operate that way.
For this caller PLEASE Read the book The path forward surviving a narcissist. (THIS WILL HELP YOUR friend to see who her husband IS and that he will never change)
Also, call your local abuse center with your friend or set up a free counseling with her at the local abuse center. If she does not want to go thats ok simply take this time to read their literature on their cite to help your friend.
YOUR FRIENDS IS BEGGING FOR HELP OUT without realizing. Abuse victims typically do not tell anyone until they escape. She wants out...and you are the ONLY ONE SHE TRUST to help her out.
So PLEASE get educated on abuse & how to help her out by call your local center & setting up a counseling free session for your friend. Go with her.
You are a great friend but DR John gave you HORRIBLE advise. DO NOT turn your back on your friend...SHE IS LITERALLY begging for guidance since she is to stressed out to find the door out of this abusive relationship.
lok up the term "narcissist mind games". this will help you to see the truth to help your friend out.
You need to get off your high horse for one thing I don’t think you know the law of a mandated reporter.
In the majority of states, a mandated reporter is for children and vulnerable adults. If you are a competent adult, it does not cover you.
She never said she was ordained clergy. She said she works in a ministry.
Wow, it’s disgusting to see how toxic the men are that comment on these videos. It’s no wonder many of my single friends have elected not to date anymore. These men are becoming bold and dangerous.
Basing your life decisions around people in TH-cam comments is extremely stupid. Also, there are just as many toxic women in these comment sections.
@@joshw3010the comments reflect a portion of society. A lot of men have always been insensitive to abuse towards women.
@@joshw3010 it’s not just the comments section. This bleeds into real life. Besides, people believe in what they type on the internet. They may not say it explicitly in real life, but it does influence how they treat women.
@@tonytoni1150the comment section is different for everyone, they tailor it that way. You don't necessarily see what others are seeing and vice versa.
Believe it or not it happens on both sides. It’s why a lot of people aren’t dating.
Money and resources are the main reasons people won't leave abusive relationships. Her friend aaying sometimes it's better is because that's the cycle of abuse. When you are living with an abusive person sometimes you just want to verify that you're not going crazy and so you tell people. I do agree that the caller is not equipped to handle this at all. Maybe she can set up a little bit of money for her and then give her a number to a domestic abuse phone number. Women shelters have resources into getting temporary homes and financial support. Just abandoning her isn't right. It might have taken her a long time to even tell one person.
It sounds like she is in freeze mode. I wasted most of my life being in freeze mode because I was too weak to ask for help and nobody cared enough to reach out.
I am now 68 years old and am at peace because I am alone. THAT is no way to "live". Please do something to help your friend.❤
You weren’t weak you were traumatized. It’s a PTSD response
I was in denial mode. Always thought everything was my fault.
@@kellyeverettNonsense. Stop with the excuses.
@@hillarybillary21 right as if you are qualified to comment. Stay in your lane dummy
@@LauriKunes Sadly thats very common.This is what the abuser thrives on to feel powerful as they are inept and weak themselves .First sign of violence walk away and stay gone .
Just reading the thumbnail made me cry 😭😩Uffff
This is heart-breaking.
I've seen this situation and it truly is up to the victim ,like it or not. Of course its scary and complicated .Suggesting therapy,a new hobby ,classes are constructive routes to take Becoming enmeshed in a situation like this where it causes upset in your own life is unhealthy. Protect you safety and put up boundaries if need be.Step back and Pray .
Abusive people suck. Just sayin. I realize I added nothing to the conversation. But they do suck.
They sure are and its best to steer clear .
It’s so scary stepping out into the unknown you become convinced that you need him to do everything. From my experience never say leave never say stay just offer to be there.
Calling the police will have absolutely no effect. She will deny anything is happening. But it will cause a fight when the door closes.
That's because calling cops can get you killed
And she'll likely never reach out again.
@@Tim85-y2qthat’s sort of the point though. If you’re going to just be whine and complain without taking any action, then you’re better off just shutting up and dealing with the abuse yourself. You’re wasting my time complaining if you’re just gonna stay.
@@privacyplease1556Sometimes we need enough people to influence us in the right direction.
It is absolutely too taxing for a lot of people to handle the strain of it.
It's similar to a drug addiction.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter -avoidant attachment
Facing Codependency by Pia Melody
Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker
Trauma PTSD CTPSD Dissociation And Trauma Bonding -Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞
From Self Love To Self Healing -Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
Healing From A Breakup-Ken Reid podcast ♥️
What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup - Ken Reid podcast ♥️
Breaking the cycle is what counts!
Escaping any abusive relationship can be overwhelming. When I taught in Saudi Arabia at an all female school, a colleague of mine was being harassed and threatened by a roommate who was assigned to her when she first arrived. At first, they seemed to get along well, but when my colleague began to secretly date another teacher from the male campus, her roommate grew jealous and really abusive. My colleague felt trapped because there were no other empty apartments in the compound where we all lived, but some of us found a way to help her. One day when the roommate was out, we moved all of my colleagues things into my apartment and hid her for about 2 weeks until the end of the school year. What looks very simple from the outside in can be really dangerous for the abused .
😢exactly ❤
I love the fact that Dr. Deloney mentioned having a bit of cash strapped aside, etc. As far as I know, that's pretty much a good example of what tithes are to be used for...
Right? They will know we are disciples of Christ by our love; not our buildings, our attendance, or the salaries we pay pulpit men.
Tithes aren’t for pastors to buy private jets?
@privacyplease1556 that's the last thing it should be used for.
If it's luxuries they want, it should be from their own earnings (work/businesses) etc. Tithes are to help those who need it. Doing good and spreading God's Word. Both spoken but also through action.
@@privacyplease1556😂. There are some that do but trust me, they aren’t Christ followers but snakes. Tithes and offerings mostly go to the church itself to actually run the church. How do you think the building gets paid for? The Lights and other bills? The office supplies? The wage of the pastors and staff? If. Church doesn’t make more than their bills then they have nothing left to give. Many churches just break even honestly. Anyone that goes to church should be in the know of how the finances are.
That suggestion for the $2500 set aside as a church … my goodness THAT IS WHAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING … sure beats you made your bed now sleep in it approach that is so common
This! This is what the church is for, helping those in need.
As much as this young woman loves her friend the best she can do is just show support and understand that this is a choice her friend is making for her life's journey . No one can do a thing for anyone else who refuses help . Sad but true. She now needs to focus on her life ,her goals and nuture healthy bonds with others . If and when the abuse reaches out for help ,be there but protect yourself and be careful what steps you take .😢.
This was me. It took me a long time to really understand this. I really needed that REAL friend, that one person who actually valued me enough to say that I mattered. Unfortunately I did not have that, I still don't. I grew up in a terribly neglectful, violent, and sexually abusive household. I fully believed that I was at my core shamefully, unworthy, and unlovable. I am learning now that belief, that core belief is a normal reaction to the abuse I have endured. It is NOT and was not ever the truth about "me". Unfortunately not all of us have that friend, that one person who truly sees you, and because of that core belief of shame many of us will never feel capable of that. ❤
Abuse should be taken more seriously BECAUSE IT'S A BIG THING. This is a personal story but I've dealt with abuse.
When I was younger, my father abused me(emotionally and physically). This looked like; hitting, shoving, yelling, swearing, blaming, making me feel bad about myself, guilt tripping, lying, and when he got drunk things would escalate out of control.
I also recently was in an abusive, toxic relationship with my partner so I left and now I am happy, with the right person who is supportive of me and my dreams.
I'm so sorry you had to live through this.
It sounds like we had the same father.
sending you hugs. keep thriving ❤
3:23 and watch the cops do absolutely nothing. that’s a key part of the issue.
They might not do anything but it’s evidence when it comes to child custody
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Contact a domestic violence shelter. They're familiar with an abusers tactics. These professionals will assist you in leaving safely.🤐
Hit 200k today. I'm really grateful for all the knowledge and nuggets you had thrown my way over the last months. Started with 14k in June 2023
Congratulations on hitting the 200k milestone! That's an incredible growth from 14k in just a few months - what strategies or investments did you implement to achieve this remarkable success?
Motivated by others' investment successes, I'm seeking ways to boost my income and independence from government support. What investment options or side hustles would you recommend?
I'm desperate to turn my finances around. I've been working three jobs just to pay off debt. Can someone please share contact or information? I need her help.
That's amazing! I'm excited to start my journey with her. Do you have any advice for someone just starting out?
Just be open-minded, and trust the process. Elizabeth Marie Hawley will guide you every step of the way. And don't forget to share your testimony with others when you see the results!
Another resource is domestic violence shelters and organizations. They can offer counseling, legal advice, assistance, conflict resolution before police, and more. I have worked with our local women’s group and was totally blown away by the services they offered!
I feel like they would be a good middle ground between what the first caller was actively doing and Dr. Delony’s advice! I especially didn’t know they can sometimes send someone out with a police officer to help a domestic dispute that is less nuclear than calling the police directly.
I send prayers for everyone involved and hope that her friend can find a way to leave! ❤️ Thank you for being such an amazing friend to her and doing all that you have!
Just tell her the moment you say I'm ready, you will have a team ready to go where you disappear in an hour.
My best friend helped me leave my ex husband three times. I left on my own a few times as well. It is so hard to stay gone. It’s been four years and when life kicks my ass I still feel the temptation to go back. It’s the belief that you deserve it.
It's the belief that you can't get better than that.
I will never understand women like you. Throwing your own life away for an abuser is one thing, but drawing friends and / or children into that crap IS absolutely horrible. One unplanned thing happens during the leaving period and your friend is dead. Three times!
@floriansailer7887 never thought I would stay with an abuser. After a while you are worn down and think everything is your fault.
@ expand on “women like me” 🙄
He’s a weak insecure boy. A man done any beat his wife and or kids….a scared little boy does that because they can’t or won’t grow up! When a spouse acts like this man or woman ( yes women are abusers too) they have huge insecurity problems and they hit when anything irritates them. As time goes on it’s easy to get mad over Anything and go in and make that victim scared of you…it’s fun to them but they blame you for anything!! They mentally make you think they are the best you can ever get!! So Wrong, you’re better taking care of yourself! You have people waiting to help you ! Leave!!
My cousin NEVER Told Me she was being beaten. I found out days after she was killed and her boyfriend /child’s father was on the run from police. Years later I reported a friend’s husband was beating her and hurting her kids. I finally called the police and CPS On him for choking their baby and child services removed the children from the home. TIL this day, she tells everyone how she was thankful I Did. Help your friend but be careful not to get yourself in danger when doing so….Prayers for her and her family 😇🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Indeed. It can be dangerous to be involved.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Thank you for speaking so candidly with her Dr. John. ❤
Statistically the most dangerous time in these abusive relationships is when the woman leaves. Perhaps she’s scared of what he will do if she leaves.
Yes, I wish more people would understand that, leaving and after she leaves is when most women get killed.
Yes harming her and those who try to help .Law enforcement is needed and the legal system.Women's shelters offer programs ,with counseling, education ,child care ,housing,medical .In many states is very easy and you are protected .
People grasp that but it doesn't mean that the solution is to stay.
@@Tim85-y2q Indeed.
@@deniseganey6890 Exactly
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
It's not just about "doing the calculations", even though that can be part of it - it can be the very real fear of his retribution. The most dangerous times in an abusive situation is leaving, or having left, and that can also spill over to those helping her escape or sheltering her. I can think of many examples where that has happened. So please, stop taking this lightly and telling women to "just leave". You may as well tell her to leave the fox hole and run into a hail of bullets. Just not helpful at all, at least in the metaphorical fox hole, she can plan.
Risk assessments should become more mandatory. Not just for the cops if they are called, but also for pastors etc. Pastors and the like need to be trained in DV support, and not 'try to fix a broken marriage' which is what many of them do. Yes it can be frustratingly slow as an outsider waiting for the victim to leave, but support and a place to go is what she needs, particularly with children in tow.
This is precisely why Womens Shelters have been set up .
Nobody's taking it lightly. This is a situation where no course of action is without risk. The fact that leaving is dangerous doesn't mean that staying is not dangerous much less a viable solution.
Other than having support in place to help someone through the danger there's no good answer.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Please understand that knowing the abuser will probably find you and hurt or kill you or your child after you leave is a Big reason many women stay in it.
YES
This is why you get out if you are harmed even once or feel threatened.Words mean nothing look to the actions .
Sure, but they're just as likely to do that if they don't leave.
Sadly, this is a situation where every course of action is potentially dangerous.
@@Tim85-y2q Not really 'just as likely' if they stay. The victim is the narcissistic supply gravy train, when that supply is threatened, then becomes the most dangerous time.
@@davinasquirrel7672 Statistically speaking abuse virtually always escalates if left unchecked. If someone stays in an abusive relationship it WILL get worse over time in 99.9% of cases.
My friend is in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship but refuses to leave, you just gotta be a friend and wait till they want to leave.
What the abuse? Does he yell “Stop racking up so much credit card debt!”?
Unless he deletes her before she leaves.😢 Doesn't that scare people? Being so badly hurt you can't survive the situation.
@@PoppiesAndSweetDreamsthey don't believe that will really happen
@@wyganterI assume you don't know what financial abuse is.
They have and control ALL the finances. Every cent.
@@PoppiesAndSweetDreamsthat happened to my friend’s friend almost a year ago - he spared their 2 year old son but took her and himself out. 😢
The caller is making it more about her than her friend in my opinion. And he is 100% correct: some women have no way to get out financially.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Some women are unable to support themselves and are terrified of becoming single mothers. Often when you are being abused you cannot face the idea of change because you're already overwhelmed.
this so much, the overwhelm... I think letting her know that you will be there to help her if she ever wants to get out. let her tell you what he does to her, and mirror it to her, so maybe she realizes, what really is happening in her relationship
That’s why you leave at the first sign
I escaped an abusive relationship in my late 20s. Ultimately, he was a coward and it was the best decision I ever made
My older sister is almost 40 and she was in an abusive relationship for 10 years with her first husband (she abused him as well)
She just got married *quickly* after her divorce and this husband is abusing her.
I *tried* SO hard for those 10 years with her ex and nothing worked. Called the cops, tried to help in any way. I always listened and talked her through things and gave advice but she didn’t do anything, she never listened to sound, common sense advice, just stayed. I was going crazy over it. It was consuming. That’s my sister I want to protect her and help her. It hurt so much listening to it for 10 years but you can only tell someone the same thing over and over.
Now I live over an hour from her and can’t do anything to help with this second husband. I tried when the abuse started but quickly realized she is doing the exact same thing she did the first time.
The only thing you can do is honestly,
Let it be.
I have talked and cried and yelled at her for years till I was blue in the face. They won’t leave until they are ready (if ever) or they go in a body bag. It’s unfortunate.
It’s sad, but there’s nothing you can do from an outside perspective except try to help where you can but it eventually falls on deaf ears.
I rarely talk to my sister we just see each other at holidays and I keep my distance.
The thing that really gets me is her son that’s been watching this happen since he was a baby. Now he’s 14 and he seems miserable, depressed, a shell of himself.
Idk what’s all going on in that house but I get info from my mom regularly and it’s *really* bad.
For my sanity I had to step away, it may not be for everyone because of it being family, a spouse etc but you have to.
Maybe you should be a role model in your nephews life, take him out of that hell hole on the weekends?
Could you call cps for the kid if he is being exposed to violence?
It's often like this. My experience with it really hardened my heart against battered women.
I agree on just dropping it. You can't make them press charges, you can't make them leave, and even if you manage to convince them, they usually go running back, and come boo-hooing to you when the cycle repeats. I came to the conclusion that people who do that like the drama and attention.
@@mmasanjose4087 he’s now a very bad influence on my 8 and 3 year old.
So no I will not bring him into my home on the weekends.
Like I stated, I tried for 10 years.
Plus it’s not my role to be his mother , she should step up. Her parenting is a whole other story
@@Kivlor 1000% yes. That’s my sister. Drama drama all about me and crying about how bad her life is when she literally put herself in this situation the second time
I would have already called the police. I'm a Christian as well. However, I refuse to allow someone to abuse another person without stopping it. Or at least trying to.
“I’m a Christian.” 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
You can call the police but you can't make the abused speak up or leave the abuser. I suppose calling the police will put the abuser in their cross-hairs if the abused ends up in the hospital or killed.
Especially being in Ministry there are responsibilities and laws must be followed .
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Let her know you love her, let her know you’ll be there for no matter what, don’t step back. Show her that she has one consistent safe space in her life. & then Call the cops,
Close your eyes for a second. Now picture a domestic violence victim. Do you see them? Do you see the bruises of black and blue? Do you see some of them turning green from the healing of the old? Do you see the fatted, bleeding lips and the trails of tears dried up from the battles fought and the ones yet to come? Not just with their abuser either, from within themselves. You see, what you see on the outside it will heal in time, it will be gone as if the events that lead to them never happened. It's what's going on on the inside that leaves it's victims feeling stagnant, frozen unable to move. They can't, they don't even know who they are anymore or where they belong.
When they first meet their abuser it's as a fairytale. Swept up, so very secure, so very enthusiastic about what the future holds. Than one day that sweetness turns a little bitter, but just enough to throw you off a little bit but to still have you holding onto hope so you don't walk away. Next comes the control part, the stripping away of your individuality, your freedom. All the things you used to love all the people you used to hang around, GONE. They make it seem as if nobody but them cares for you. They use stuff that you once confided in them with trust against you, such as how you felt your childhood was empty with no one to turn to they say "your family never cared, look how you were treated in the past, where are they now?" So you think and you start to believe all of what's being said by the abuser after all they are the only ones around, right??
That's another tactic, isolation. If they can isolate you they take away your means to escape. They already have you believing that nobody but them cares so you fear anybody elses love or motives towards you..while your isolated they take everything. You can't work because if you ever do figure it out they know that money is an outside supply and with you having it means you no longer need them. They start to check into everything you're doing emails, social media, phone calls to see if you're talking about them or thinking about an escape plan..because you see it's never about your best interest, it's about theirs. There's so much more they do internally to break you down to an empty shell of nothing. Just for the control. Each situation is different. It starts different, it ends different. I just pray that if you're going through this you understand you are not powerless. You see actually you are the strong because you don't need to beat and batter soneone else down to thrive. I pray that you understand your loved ones they are there and they are supporting you only from afar because they don't know exactly how deep it goes or how much danger you're truly in so they stay back. Remember this is your fight, it's your fight because it's your life, it's your happiness on the line. Now stand up and show just how this victim will now become the victory...stand up and fight...it may just be the fight for your life.
Copywrite©LisaBrannon|yearposted2019
❤😢 wow exactly Thank you 🎁😇🙏
Wow. My daughter passed away 2 months ago from the indirect abuse you just described. Friends and family abandoned her as she began to sound like “a broken record” and would always go back. It simply was too painful to be close to her. My heart breaks as we never knew the depth of her torment.
I went through this with a person i knew. We're best friends now. Her exs world is still messed up. So glad she's not in this anymore.
I love that about Dr. John Deloney. He doesn't play, he said come over with 6 men in case you want to start something. I wish I had someone in my life like that
The scariest part is that when you do finally leave an abuser, he's most likely going to be extremely violent at that point. Statistically this is true, and it happened to me.
It is when most women get killed - leaving, or not long after having left.
@davinasquirrel7672 Exactly 💯. Mine ended up in prison for attempted murder. Of me. He served 15 years. But he only got that violent when I had a plan and was leaving for good.
@@soulinameatsack29Thank Heaven's you left I hope you are well and enjoying all that is beautiful in our world ❣
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
I've been a minister for 10 years now, and have never felt more lonely. I wish I had a group of guy friends like the ones Dr. John talks about at 11:16. I've actually never had friends like that and even the guys I hung out with before I went into ministry are now the ones who look to me as their pastor, so the dynamic has changed. I pray that I can find a group of solid guy friends like Dr. John has. I truly appreciate him sharing that part of his life with us. It gives me a little bit of hope in a strange way.
Maybe start a weekly men’s bible study, if you haven’t already. Just a thought.
@@ddpr2323 Thank you for the suggestion.
What you really need is a brotherhood of other pastors. I pray that you find it.
@@melstarr1864 Thank you for your prayers.
Hi! What region/state do you live? I would love to help connect you with some men on fire for the Lord to come alongside you
Personally i would suggest going the police when you know nothing imminent is happening. Physically make a report of exactly what you know, what youve seen, what you have heard. That way they wont come around with lights and sirens and put her at risk, but later on if she does want to make a report theres some corroboration and a date.
Then sit her down, take her to lunch if you can, and tell her you know what up, its not ok, its not her fault, and she shouldnt stay. Tell her thr second shes ready to leave, you will show up as quickly as possible with reinforcements and get her and everything precious to her, but until that day you cant sit by and watch the life be slowly crushed out of her. Give her your number, make her memorise it, and tell her to copy it down in a few places, like pencil it in a page of a novel that not going to get thrown away. Let her know where the nearest payphones are to her. Let her know about DV services in your area. Then let her go. You cant save someone who doesnt want to be saved and standing by isnt healthy for either of you. It causes you moral injury and lets her compartmentalise/vent instead of facing reality.
Get a back up plan together with her or for her.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
That's the most sensible thing I've heard on domestic abuse. If you could easily escape then the person wouldn't do it. They know you have no options. No access to money or savings, leaving the children behind, friends who dont enen believe you because he's such a 'nice guy.' I love the idea of a church fund. That's genuine help. I don't want to hear you need to get out. We all know that! It's the how. Christians love to say I'll pray for you but there's a lack of tangible help. Think practical help.
It’s hard to say this but there comes a point where a dependency developed between you and the person being abused, a trauma bond. You will see your friendship morphing into a counseling session. You become a dumping ground for their feelings and their new coping mechanism. Now your friend has two dysfunctional relationships and you are being traumatized by their secrets. You need to give them choices and let them make them. Say I am not going to carry this, it’s poison. You can’t carry it, it’s killing you. These are our options, let’s form a plan. If you won’t work with me you will have to figure it out on your own. You can’t enter the depths and save a drowning friend who is grasping at anything to save them. They will pull you under and you will drown together. Don’t try supporting them alone. There is safety in the multitude of counselors. Document, document, document. Pictures of bruises, mark when she comes to you right after an incident. Help her get a consult with a lawyer. The first one is usually free.
Ya, you never know if you risk not doing anything and they end up dead
There are nonprofits with services and/or shelters in larger towns & cities.
There are city and/or county social workers who are trained to work domestic abuse, some counseling is free, others are on a sliding scale. BUT, if she contacts Womens’ Centers or Shelters, they can explain how they can help her transition out of the home with PRACTICAL advice: this is what we do, how we help women in your situation, whether it is finding a place, filing a restraining order, etc.
While the caller doesn’t want to abandon the abused friend, it is a “vampire suck”on her emotionally, mentally, & becomes a physical stressor for her. The old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink”, fits here.
My best friend came to me yesterday and said "youve been in an abusive relationship for years ". He never touched me physically so i didnt see it. He was emotionally and mentally abusive and i didnt realise it. I thought i was the problem. Im now chronically ill, can no longer work fulltime or take care of the house. Ive nowhere to go, ive no money. He is now financially abusive knowing im dependent on him (i never was, i was always independent in every way). He recently told me i shouldve unalived myself when i got sick. The emotional abuse was dreadful when i was bedridden. I dreaded waking up every day. I just wanted to die.
He has now ended our marriage due to my illness and myself and my son have nowhere to go, after 2 decades of building a life for my family. Im trying to be strong but the pull to give up is so strong.
What is sad is how traumatizing this is to the children. When your husband and you argue and fight it is terrifying to them because they love you both and are not able to do anything.
If he is not willing to go to anger management counseling then leave.
IV been in both positions you need be there for her no matter what even if you have have distance for yourself just make sure they have a way to contact you when they need you one day she will get over it and leave I promise
Please don’t abandon your friend!!!
It statistically takes several attempts before an abuse victim can leave. The fear of retaliation and cycle of abuse. It's also the time when they are most likely to die at the hands of their abuser. Be persistent. If you can't handle helping ok, but try just staying her friend. It's ok if you're struggling
When they are scared it’s because they feel like they have no where else to go.
If you want to help her you can offer to have her live with you till she can get on her feet and if he tries to go there you can get a restraining order. You can tell her not to tell her husband and back a bag and sneak out and you will pick her up if she doesn’t have a car. If you have a family just limit her to one month but take her to the welfare office to register for being homeless and needs food stamps so she can help provide for herself till she gets back on her feet.
I Would Not have her live with you . . But I’d help her or arrange a place for her at a women’s shelter & help her get there . . .
@@joygarrett8397 Yes, several reasons. Firstly, those not trained in DV should not really attempt to counsel/fix, and there is likely to be a data dump when she gets away. Secondly, the real possibility that he will track her down, and 'helpers' or 'shelterers' or other family members/helpers can get caught in the crossfire (ie killed).
@@davinasquirrel7672 I would be waiting on my porch with my sh*t g*n.
@@davinasquirrel7672 Absolutely.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
It is recommended to contact a domestic violence shelter. They're familiar with an abusers tactics. These professionals will assist in leaving safely. 🤐
You can’t care more than she does. Tell her to keep it to herself. It is selfish of her to trauma dump on you with no plans to leave. She’s making her abuse your problem when it’s a HER problem. It’s one thing to help a friend leave, but if she plans to stay, tell her to quit complaining and suck it up or else you’re leaving the friendship.
I did exactly this to a cousin of mine. I am in my 70's and in poor health, and I have a 44 year old son who is in poor health as well, which is a constant worry for me. After realizing that my cousin was never going to leave him, I finally told her frankly, that I could not handle the stress she was bringing into my life, and that she needed to seek professional help . That was 3 months ago, and I haven't heard from her since. While I no longer have the stress of her unloading on me, I now feel guilty, and afraid for her well being.
Sending her this book may be a wakeup call.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Having been in an abusive relationship, I’ll tell you, it’s NOTHING like what you think it would be like (from looking at it from the outside). Often times, you have a good job, a good church home, good friends, etc…and when it comes time to figure out HOW to flee from an abusive relationship (and that’s what you’d be doing…actually fleeing and maybe even having to go into hiding for a period of time)…you start to realize how it’s going to blow up EVERY other relationship you have (at least for a period of time)….like your job, your church home, friends, etc. It’s never as simple as “they just need to decide to leave.”
Relationships are more important than the person's life? Definitely a lack of self confidence, and a fast track to Nicole Simpsons fate. 😟
@@PoppiesAndSweetDreams Not all situations are equal. Some are life-threatening…and some are not quite there yet. And yes…it normally escalates. However…if you’ve never been in that situation, you can’t understand just how confusing it can be. From the outside looking in, it’s almost always, “you just need to leave.” Well…think about leaving your entire life behind in one fell swoop…like in an instant. That’s massively daunting for anyone. That doesn’t mean that leaving shouldn’t happen…just that it’s not as easy as just dropping everything and starting a brand new life free and clear.
Also it's not even the leaving that is the only challenging part...it's STAYING AWAY. It takes EVERYTHING out of you. And you get those pesky "what if he changes for the next person" bs thoughts that make you miss them and get sucked back in. IT SUCKS (no pun intended)
Dear Caller,
If you want to help your friend out of a abusive relationship read the book: The Path forward surviving a narcissist by LS.
Then you will have the understanding of how to help your friend, who her abuser is & what mind games he uses to control her mind literally and how to help her out of her abusive relationship.
Then have your friend read the book at your home (for her safety).
Your friend IS BEGGING for help out of her relationship just by telling you what is happend. HELP HER do not turn your back. Find a local abuse center for her to go to for FREE counseling and a Safety & Exit plan out of her relationship.
@@shayesmithcustomlyricvideos 🙄so confusion is a reason to live in the status quoe waiting for the inevitable hit that has no tomorrow after it? When you say it isn't that simple it's only because people complicate it with reasons to not leave..most of which trickle down to money 💰. Women's organizations are in every single city, and Church. But, if you always have a reason to stay you'll always be putting yourself and your children in danger. If you can live with that,🙏 God help you. 🙏
Lady in the call did not give any reason why she is hesitating to call the cops…
It's hard when the person tells you not to call. When I was a minor multiple people knew of my abuse story and no one did anything. I would blab about it and then tell them not to say. Adults saw it in person and didn't even intervene, unfortunately it's normal. People don't want to rock the boat.
I have called the cops when my manager was beaten by her husband but I didn't witness it. I only saw her after the fact. The police said they wouldn't be able to press charges unless she wanted. I told them her Husband is outside the store 6-10 times a day. The police said they'd send an undercover police officer the next day. I don't know if they did or didn't but if they had gone to her home and seen her face that was bruised from him hitting her they should have been able to do something.
Unfortunately she kept saying later it wasn't his fault and he's promised to not do it again. They were only married for 4 months!
Most cops *can't* do anything because the laws don't yet account for the dangers a woman faces when trying to leave an abusive relationship, especially if the woman is also a mother. Many cops in better areas *won't* do anything because they're mostly men who will back up the guy (the 'bro network') or they are women who have spent their lives trying to be treated equal to men on the men's terms and so will treat female victims of family violence with the same disdain as the other men on the force.
Calling the police can get that person killed. Especially if they are not ready to walk away and deny the abuse. They'll go back and ot will get worse. I remember when my sisters abuser got out on bond the first person he looked for was her.
@@oc2538What a nitemare .Hopefully she will get out fast and stay away
The caller said it. I have to hear all of this, give advice, and see nothing happen with the advice. I would go with option 1. Because I've seen option 2 end with the person being abused telling the abuser and suddenly they become violent towards the friend. There really is no good end to this. So, you've told them what to do, and if they won't do it... Option 1.
This is tricky because someone like this is codependent and you don’t want to be the next person they are codependent on (not because it’s a burden but because it doesn’t help them get over that.)
Going through this right now. The husband is my husband’s family, and I’m supporting the wife. It’s not fun
Bless you for supporting her.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
I was in the situation the friend was in and I told no one until we got pregnant “because that was going to fix the situation because he said he wouldn’t hit a pregnant woman.” I didn’t know what to do
Someone coming along side with answers, or suggestions, or help would be appreciated. It’s a tough situation and as many reactions as there are people.
Pregnancy and childbirth do not stop DV, in fact, often the opposite. The abuser believes "she is trapped now" so he lets loose. Some abusers don't even show their true colours until pregnancy/childbirth, so it can be quite a shock to the woman.
If abuse starts or continues at pregnancy/childbirth, that is a very serious situation and she needs to get out.
@@davinasquirrel7672she wasn’t saying the friend should get pregnant, she was empathizing with the situation and sharing her experience.
Be very mindful and have a plan Tell your health provider and they will help .😢
After the pregnancy, then what? Are you going to subject your child to the same suffering and pain you deal with? If you decide to accept your life with the abuse, just make it about your self. Don't involve a child. Either abortion or adoption is ok imo.
You have to understand that something broken can never be the same again as if it's whole. You yourself, your relationship, your feelings can never be the same after abuse starts. A child is a big responsibility. He/she won't fix what is is broken and hopeless. He/she can't save you from your abuser. And absolutely he/she can't heal you.
@@tearfuleye Oh, it's you again. More of the clueless comments.
Go read a few books. Start with Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"
My friend of 38 years dumped me because his narcissist wife, who happens to be a psychologist, made him dump me. Friends since we were 15.
A LOT of ppl have been murdered by the other person’s abuser.
What if your friend isnt being physically abused. What if its manipulation and emotional abuse?
Any abuse should not be tolerated. It will escalate
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
My family member had an abusive boyfriend for years. She finally left him & moved to a different state. A short time later, the guy beat his new girlfriend to death.
She needs to get the police involved and let her friend be mad at her.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
It is recommended to contact a domestic violence shelter. They're familiar with an abusers tactics. These professionals will assist in leaving safely. 🤐
Thanks for the breakdown! Just a quick off-topic question: I have a SafePal wallet with USDT, and I have the seed phrase. (alarm fetch churn bridge exercise tape speak race clerk couch crater letter). How should I go about transferring them to Binance?
7:30 AND THEN WHAT this!! I left because I had nowhere to go. When I finally left the judge granted 50:50 because “just because there is DV between them doesn’t prove there is DV towards the children” so now I left and my children are there without me as a shield every other week.
That’s exactly why some people stay. It’s disgusting that custody would be given to somebody who’s abusive. If they are abusive with their spouse then they are abusive to the kids.
In case anyone reads this: in cases of su!cide or sth, be so safe with the person. Especially if a person has suffered abuse by mental health facilities, which happens more than you know. Calling 911 can be a death sentence by itself.
If they tell you don't involve the authorities, *leave* if you think you cannot honour that.
Someone suffering from trauma, or abuse, has had their autonomy taken from them for a long time. Don't be another person who overtakes them.
Be someone who honours them, and if you cannot honour their boundaries, honour yours by cutting contact.
The lady who phoned in asked her friend the questions she knew where it was headed but now cos the lady can’t find it just now to leave, you now don’t want to listen? And you haven’t called the police? She said it’s hard to listen to this anyways but especially when you love them! What! we are supposed love everyone!!
These women often won't leave. They'll allow their children to go through hell and be neglected and will still choose the abuser. Ultimately let her make her choice to choose him, and walk away. If she wanted to leave she'd figure it out.
Wait a minute. It can take many many times to leave an abusive spouse. She may have been threatened and knows he will kill her when she goes. Calling the cops won’t do anything because she will be frightened. The only time that helps is if you send the cops while it’s going on, they need to see it happen. Suggest she put up a small hidden camera in the home, get smart and sneaky and help her do not turn your back on her. Giving her an ultimatum is not the answer.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
My dad was physically verbally and emotionally abusive to my siblings and to my mom..... My mom would go around town telling everybody that would listen about how awful my father was and everyone would feel so bad for her but she would leave the house when everything's got too bad for her to handle and we would get left behind and then she would come back when she felt like it and it would happen all over again..... Some women are willing victims and abuse because they get to be a perpetual victim.... Sometimes you just got to let people be
Tell me you are male without telling me you are male.
@@davinasquirrel7672 He/she is correct. When you CHOOSE to stay, it’s a choice. No matter how “hard” leaving is. You could at east try.
@@hillarybillary21 Perhaps get some DV training, or at the very least, spend several years researching the matter, then and only then, offer your opinion.
I know of a dead woman who, had cameras installed at the door and various places and tried to "leave". She was thrown off a balcony, about 20 storeys, with a note found in her pocket "he has cameras everywhere".
Or about half the women killed in DV, they have left, and he kills them. And just for 'good measure', those that helped her (eg the one who killed his estranged wife, and her mother).
This is actually the stuff that makes it HARD to leave. So really, until you do the research on this, you prove how little you know about why it can be hard to leave. It's embarrassing for you really.
Unlike you, I have compassion and understanding of what they are going through, and just how hard it actually is to get away safely from an abuser.
Report him. It can be anonymously. Next time you see a mark on her, call the cops. Dont tell her, but do it. Ask for a welfare check and tell them whats going on.
It's scary as hell. I was at a point where I was thinking of things that no one should think of doing to get out of the abusive relationship I was in.
I remember I lost MOST of those.
However, the same God that I went to my church home to worship, I still had Him, and He carried me. No matter what I've said and done, He's always been the one constant. I lost them all at once, and those that remained disappeared in drips and drabs. Those I learned were seasonal relationships. That was a rough lesson, especially knowing that you're the victim.
All in all, it was a blessing. Had I not learned to let go of a man that could teach the devil the thing or two about being evil, I would not have been able or even had the opportunity to be married to the man I'm married to or have the children I have. I broke the generational curse of having toxic men in our lives as partners. That's a blessing by itself.
I strongly believe in having a church home. However, there are times when we make the mistake at one point in time of confining God to a building with the notion of only being able to meet up with Him once or twice a week.
My heart truly goes out to those who get dropped by their church home, especially since the leadership as well as congregation should have a heart to show the grace, love, and non judgment (to love one another as Christ loves us) and our neighbour as we do ourselves.
There are those churches that need to get back to the root, and instead of fluffy stuff being preached, give the hard-core messages that no one wants to hear but NEED to hear. We need to be worshipping the Creator of the universe instead of the universe. We need to realise that as children of God, we are in this world and not of it. We need to mostly remember that instead of worshipping the person behind the pulpit, we need to be worshipping God who is using the human as a vessel to preach or teach his Word.
There should be no judgment shown to those in need or less fortunate as it's things like that that have made Christianity look like a joke. We are to recognize and call out the ungodly behaviour and leave the judgment of the person themselves for God to deal with. And for crying our loud, the gossip rings need to disappear.
The addict and the hooker and the dealer, etc. need God just as much as you do. The pretty bag or shiny car doesn't make you need God less, in fact, most likely, you need Him more.❤
I disagree with this SO SO hard!!
First of all, most of us need to hear a lot of repeated truths to be said to us before we can get out of manipulative, abusive cycles. It's not a matter of giving advice: "I think you should leave. Don't let him hurt you." If it were that simple, if it were that EASY to leave cycles of abuse, her friend wouldn't be in this place.
Secondly, if you tell someone "I can't hear this anymore, please don't talk about this with me," or "If you tell me something about this again, I will call the police, whether you like it or not," you are removing yourself as a source of reality/safety in their cesspool of lies and manipulation (that they are hearing from their abuser) and you are making sure they DON'T TELL YOU when they are in trouble.
What he suggests might seem like a caring thing to do - to say you want to keep the relationship but put an end to the inaction...a very grown-up, mature, boundary-setting things to say....But it is one of the shittiest things you could do, because you are actually just abandoning them because YOU can't handle the discomfort of not being able to change a situation they are in or make them want to change it. The sense of powerlessness that gives you is the burden you can choose to carry, if you want to be a friend who sticks by their side.
Best case scenario (not that it is always possible) is to continue to listen and firmly tell them the same thing over and over: "this is not right, you don't deserve this, you need to get out, I know this is scary, I know you feel guilty at the thought of leaving, but this is not real love that he/she is giving you, I will help you in any way I can, I am willing to help make a plan to get you safely out." Then when they are ready for change, they will come to you - instead of you getting a call from the morgue and Dateline making a special: "unfortunately, she had no one to call and no place to go."
Also, calling the authorities can sometimes lead to horrendous things.
I think that’s really good advice and you can go to sleep at night
11:49 good on Kevin
There's so much help available yet you can't control others . For whatever reason this woman is not ready to help herself . If she comes to and asks then direct her to a Womens Shelter .
Crazy how common the abuse is in the church specifically..
because women are deemed property. lots of cherry picking of the verses.
If you read the bible it makes sense 🤫
It is thriving in all areas of society ,aggregious in the Churches .
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Without Conscience by Robert D Hare
Protecting The Gift by Gavin De Becker
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Facing Codependency by Pia Melody
Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker
Trauma PTSD CTPSD Dissociation And Trauma Bonding -Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞
Breaking the cycle is what counts!
Nope, mind your business and be a friend from a far - like way far away. Your friend is grown and doesn’t want to change her situation. Not your concern
imagine everyone would think like you - there'd be waaay more unprevented devastating tragedies.
This is poor advice from John and a poor friend. To in any way add to what is already likely happening in terms of coercing, giving ultimatums or isolating this woman is unthinkable. Be a friend. It takes time to work out your mind when someone you love abuses you. It takes time and to have a friend to talk with safely is an amazing thing. The lack of awareness of domestic violence and how it functions and how to help is so crazy. Be a proper friend. Don’t be another bully issuing threats. Don’t enable the abuser in isolating your friend.
That's pretty selfish of you
My best friend went from a 15 year physically and emotionally abusive relationship that she finally left, to an even more emotionally abusive relationship. She’s now an alcoholic and a shell of her former self but won’t leave and stay gone. I’ve helped her leave twice now and he talks her into going back each time. Im so worried she’s going to drink herself to death or kill herself
I’d go to the police. I think losing a friendship costs less than losing a life.
Won’t matter if the friend won’t leave
Both routes are are garbage especially when you are in ministry. You approach it head on, get a group of people, get law involved immediately
Is her life being threatened and she won't share that information?
Are there children?