This is why it's better to get rejected instead of getting someone to give you a chance. It will hurt at first, but it will save you from an empty and miserable relationship for both people.
This is true but an inaccurate characterization of this situation and this woman. It's apparent that most commenters here haven't been in a long term relationship for over a decade because news flash. Her situation is way way more common than people think. Every couple I've ever known has gone through it including myself. Difference being that people generally get passed it having at least as much good sex as they have bad. Despite internet users applying unrealistic and inexperienced context to everything, this woman represented herself VERY well by expressing that she sees the value in her marriage and her family and that she's not even considering leaving it. The extremes in her case of 30 years have more to do with playing catchup to an oversexualized culture that isn't her own. If not for that she'd have had the conversation with him a long time ago instead of imagining some hypothetical pleasure that's too difficult to obtain. Imagine as a man having to play out some novel every time you have sex with your wife.
Classic Chad widow case. Once she got the dopamine ups and downs by the fboys, there is no return. Also shows how much neurotypical women hate neurodivergent men like on autism and ADHD spectrum.
Lying to a dude that you’re not attracted to for 30 years is crazy diabolical! Even after he sensed it she still lied..He missed out on 28 years of being with someone couldn’t get enough of him
@@theblueadventurer615 dude there is someone for everyone. Being gross and disgusting isn’t an excuse…. There is always someone as gross and disgusting as you out there who would want to jump your bones 24/7…. Just gotta be willing to look for them… and willing to realize which leagues you need to look in.
There is only one good solution to this for both of them. She dumps him but never admits to all this to not completely mentally break him. He flies to south east asia and starts living a hedonistic lifestyle full of fun.
She did want him when they were dating, well of course it changes with work and kids and disappointments and embarrassment...do your own hobby. Stop trying to sink your ship over a small part of marriage. Most couples who have 30 years barely sleep together anyway...if he's making you feel guilty for saying no, tell him to stop asking coz I don't want sex anymore...simple. If he wants to get a mistress after that, let him..but follow rules...like vasectomy so no children, discretion, safety . No money taken from the family dynamic ... within the next 10 years he will taper off anyway and you end up together and all is well...don't risk a divorce over lack of sexual desire after 30 years...grow up
This is why we need to stop condemning women for rejecting men or being the ones to most often instigate a breakup. She has unknowingly done him cruelty as well as being unhappy all this time because of societal expectation. She feels more mean for saying she doesn’t want to be with him or leaving than she does for staying but acknowledging all his flaws
As someone with AuDHD, this is my absolute worst nightmare. Being with someone who is just tolerating me for years on end. God. The rest of the world makes us feel just barely tolerated. We deserve to feel celebrated and so completely loved at home. This is a modern day horror story.
I feel so bad for her husband. I can’t imagine how lonely and rejected he must have felt for the last 30 years. Poor man deserves someone who truly desires him.
@@l-train7876 she was attracted when they were first together. Also, we don’t know her background. Maybe nobody looked twice at her and she figured he was the best option. Maybe they raised kids together and she stuck around to make sure that job was done. You all act like she strung him along to torture him. Rather she tortured herself.
“Maybe I’m afraid of the consequences”… She said the quiet part out loud. I feel for her Husband. You don’t wait 30 years to be honest with your “best friend”!
Y'all are nuts, this isn't an easy situation. This woman has spent years trying to be sexually attracted again to her husband. She's likely emotionally detached and has been for decades. That's hard. Sex with no attachment isn't fulfilling or fun. She's been at it for 30 years. Not her fault that she put her fear and his feelings above the reality of the situation. I feel for the poor woman, honestly.
@@rofrankie947stop it let’s be honest she used him for security that’s it. She said she was never physically attracted to him. Her morality and religion override her desire and now she’s second guessing it
Classic Chad widow case. Once she got the dopamine ups and downs by the fboys, there is no return. Also shows how much neurotypical women hate neurodivergent men like on autism and ADHD spectrum.
Some people are enamored with the “butterflies” phase of a relationship not realizing that it doesn’t last forever. A 30 year marriage will naturally devolve into more of a friendship phase but it’s up to them to keep the spark alive.
Exactly what I was thinking the entire time. I honestly don't think that John's advice was good. He flat out told her that it was all her fault and implied that she should just leave him. This woman has been harbouring these feelings for 30 years. She hasn't just been lying to her husband. She's been lying to herself. Why? Probably because she's been a people pleaser her entire life. What I think she should do is figure out what attracts her. The good thing here is that she didn't cheat on him to experience the butterflies. She's questioning her choices - probably because she's seeing on social media, left and right about chemistry, how couples should be intimate and crazy about eachother years after they've been married. Sometimes, ignorance is a blessing - and in today's world some things people are better off not knowing. I'm not saying that she should ignore her feelings and try to pretend that this issue doesn't exist. I'm just trying to point out that if she had never known about how she should feel then maybe she would have never questioned her attractiveness to her husband. This is just a hypothesis. I believe that in today's word, sometimes people create problems that were really never there. It's like loving vanilla ice-cream until you discover that there is azro flavor but it's not available in your region, so you completely forget about that amazing vanilla flavor and only focus on the azuro that you've heard is good. I'm not saying that this is it in her case. I think that this - what she is going through is more of an individual issue that she first of all has to deal with. On the other hand, her husband knew about all of this despite her denying it countless times and still chose to stick around. It is not like he was completely ignorant and blindsided. Which in my opinion shows that he also has a lot to deal with himself before he can point the finger and simply say that she strung him along this entire time. People need to take accountability. This is not just her issue, it is his issue as well. I'm not saying that sex shouldn't be a priority in a a relationship, it is as important as everything else...but the real question this woman has to ask herself is whether she is willing to risk losing everything that she has built with this man for 30 years for a chance to experience something that will probably subside over 6 months. Sexual attraction fades over time. And yes, for some people it may last forever...but that doesn't mean that their life has more meaning in comparison to the rest of the population. If i were to give this couple advice, I'd tell her to first and foremost find out what turns her on and then share that information with her husband. There are ways that you can make any man/ woman look more physically attractive. If she likes a guy in a suit - get him to wear a suit. Most of the time, it is about a fantasy. People are making money writing cheesy romance novels and women are drooling over it. Involve your partner in it. Tell him what you think is hot. He doesn't have to be all the time James Bond, but maybe here and there he can put in a little effort to act a certain way, dress a certain way, be more assertive. If none of that works, then they should sit down and talk and figure out where to go from there. Why? Because having a good man, a wonderful father and a genuinely good natured person to spend your old days with (when you no longer can enjoy sex but still can laugh and hold hands).
Except in this case, there was never a "butterfly" phase. She thought that it would eventually happen over time but it never did. And here she is, 28 years later in a "successful" marriage.
This is why I say "Don't ignore the physical." This is why I would always roll my eyes when people would say to me "The physical isn't the ONLY thing that matters!" Duh. It's not the only thing that matters. But it cannot be ignored.
Exactly, your just friends. I like how she said hes her "best friend". You know what best friends dont do? Lie and gaslight you into destroying yourself.
I’ve listened to calls where John is talking to people about pedophilic relatives, serial cheaters, horrible abusers, and THIS call shocked me almost as much as those. Just can’t imagine giving 30 years of my life to someone and allowing them to be my spouse and finding out that they’ve hardly liked me the whole time. That betrayal would cut me to the bone. I also couldn’t believe how little reflection the caller had engaged in - it really felt like she had never sat down and thought about her sexuality, her happiness, or her interests.
This is far more common than you think. It's just that people don't want to talk about it. For women, they may like what the man brings to the table. He may be a provider and pay all the bills or even be as far as giving her a life of luxury. She may not like the man, but she may suck it up to have an easier life and lie than struggle. Especially if she is low wage earner and struggles with underemployment. This is a main component of hypergamy. Also for women, a man may constantly pursue her over and over. Just keep pursuing her until she gives in because this is what we teach men to do in that men should chase. She could get to a point where the man loves her, she's not feeling it, then he proposes and she'll feel the pressure to say yes to not disappoint him, especially if it's in public, only to disappoint herself where she felt she couldn't say no. Her family is congratulating her and all kinds of stuff and she just goes along with it. Women can lie a lot about their attractiveness to a man that goes above just faking orgasms. Also for both men and women, sometimes one will just take whatever is there. It may be their only option and they would prefer that than being alone. For both women and men, sometimes religion can play a factor too where they fake their sexuality and take one for the team or else they are committing sin. And there have been many couples who have faked it all the way to the end of their lives all in the name of righteousness.
yes. it has been pronounced. "i want to do what's right". "i don't want to disappoint him". maybe it's about how religious her family was. or childhood trauma of consequences of you disappointing someone. and lots of other fears. you close up inside yourself and never let anyone in your soul deep enough. you just try to meet the requirements you were once told and expected to and you stick to it. never feeling freedom to find and even think about the real you. you become everything what surrounds you. anything except the real you amd your desires. which you even can't formulate because not let. who ever let her say what *she* wants and needs? in her childhood? has anyone of her parents?anything what she needs, not must do and stick to.
John drives me nuts. There is no amount of romance that is going to change her mind. That’s a red herring. Any ‘roadmap’ she comes up with is just going to frustrate that man even more because there is nothing he can do to fix this. She fell in love with the idea of a husband. She didn’t love him. She wants what he gives her, but she will never want him.
Classic Chad widow case. Once she got the dopamine ups and downs by the fboys, there is no return. Also shows how much neurotypical women hate neurodivergent men like on autism and ADHD spectrum.
@@Fitmom312 Are you sure? He told this woman to tell her husband of 30 years that she’s never been attracted to him, doesn’t really like him, and to give him a ‘roadmap’ for how HE needs to fix it. This is HER problem to fix (since she created the problem) and John told her to dump the entire thing on her husband’s lap. That kind of behavior is not going to save that marriage.
He is bluepilled. Two decades with no sexual desire, no love. Means it's dead relationship. There is nothing alive in that relationship. Dude wasted decades of his life for this dusty
@@tbe0116 They do that a lot on these Ramsey channels, they always put the woman's problem on the man. Regardless of whether the man had any input in her bad decisions or not. There is no fixing this situation, if she was never attracted to him there is no cure for that. No amount of counseling, prayer, spiritual healing or any of that useless crap will magically solve this.
My wife & I are both in our 60's. Of course when we were first dating & got married, sex was a very important part of our relationship. Through the years, sex went from being one of the top priorities to one of the least, mostly because of menopause & ED issues. We both decided to express intimacy through other means. Our romancing still includes touch, kissing, cuddling, etc., spending time with each other. Most folks who are married a long time will have this transition at some point. The key is to recognize changes & adapt to them if you really love that person! Sex is important but it's not the end all.
This. Yes. Maturity, true commitment, and the realization that sex isn't love. If it were... There'd be a whole lot of people who were happy, stable, disease free, and not ending up as single parents. Sex gets confused with Love. I'd take love, kindness, honesty, shared values, and a commited relationship over any fiery sexual experiences any day, for the rest of my life.
It's different having it change over the years vs never having it in the first place. That transition you speak of happened when the couple in this call got married, not 20-30 years later.
@@user-kp3rc4eq8x that’s literally the opposite 💀 men end up in dead bedrooms because women want stability from the man they aren’t attracted to and cheated with the man they are attracted to
I like how everyone is saying don’t marry someone you’re not sexually attracted to!! I’m 30y single and when I tell people a man that has his stuff together, is nice, check all the boxes, but I wasn’t physically attracted to him they always tell me to give them a chance… bruh I will NEVER force a relationship or feelings. Worst advice lol
It's really difficult to know these answers when your sexual orientation is different than the mainstream. Because everybody tells you that you WILL fall in love with the opposite gender and enjoy sex with them. I don't know if she's gay or asexual, but there's something going on that she doesn't have the words for.
My son have a hard time keeping a relationship and I think its due to his ADHD. He is a pretty good looking fella. yeah sure I'm bias but the ladies she brought in are pretty good looking themself. He finally found this current girlfriend who also has ADHD. They are both inseparable. It's so refreshing to see them both hit it on and still shows so much affection towards each other. It's been 3 months so far but from my judgement this one is pretty special. Will see
This has nothing to do with her husband being objectively physically attractive. This is about how she feels about him and this manifests in her sexual desire for him.
I agree. Once she really got into the nitty gritty of her feelings towards him, it’s clear she has no respect for him, and that will absolutely affect sexuality. John said it best: “You don’t like him.”
@@texasdazzlers John did "not say it best" - he was fishing for a reaction. She had said before that she liked him and he provoqued her - it is a way of digging into the truth. Her protest was not very strong but she did not agree. Also: she likely is nervous when calling, so harder to connect to the innermost feelings.
Bet when he leaves her, and other women want him … she will feel instantly attracted to him … oh, and of course, when she has to pay her own bills … she will question whether her feelings were worth the gutting of her marriage.
She also wasted her own time. It's obviously not malicious, the can't communicate! Communication is one of the top issues in relationships. Is she cheating? Having an affair? Your comment is reaching and showing your bias.
@@LevityBrevityyou show bias, she was dishonest in her interest, he was not. Who cares she wasted her life? It's her life, her choice, but she robbed him of a informed choice. She is evil.
this is terrifying to all people. this happens to women. this happened to me. thankfully no kids, but this person pursued me with knowing he wasnt attracted to me. thank god i got the truth out of him, and i could finally move on. this doesnt just happen to men.
I dated a very sweet woman for a few months and she fell really hard - I’m not sure what happened but I lost interest very quickly, but kept going with it (I guess hoping the feelings would come back - they did not), she kept falling harder Eventually I decided I had to cut it off immediately, and not make it worse for her Needless to say she was confused and devastated, but a week after, she contacted me and thanked me for ending it when I did, and appreciated me for clearly at least caring about her Our society puts too much pressure on getting into a relationship and “attraction doesn’t matter!” (Yes it does), and doesn’t encourage truth and honesty
💯 and Jane’s husband was correct when he said you either have it or you don’t. That wasn’t a lashing out or sign of frustration, it was simply reality. If you don’t have that “I’m gonna jump your bones” mentality with someone from the very beginning you will never have a relationship. Merely a friendship, if even that.
Bro you soical like a simp. The majority of women are to be used for or sexual pleasure. It's not that complicated we smash thots to bust the dump them. If you find a decent woman with great qualities then make her your girlfriend. The women who think looks matter are obviously dumb are they ready to be replaced in several years. When a newer better model is out.
@@slowrunn3r88why do you think that happened? I am in a situation where I feel my fiancé isn’t sexually attracted to me, but he loves me for my other qualities such as same values, same interests, I bring him peace, etc. I am way more sexually attracted to him, and it makes me feel insecure. He says he’s never been “all over” any one of his previous girlfriends, so he says it’s not just me. Your thoughts?
This is such a fascinating show. So much of my life I thought that people only got married if they loved the person, the relationship was healthy, and at minimum they found them attractive. The reality of getting married just to check the box is shocking to me.
I truly think that many marriage have been built on a farce because of societal norms. I mean, we’re basically just now figuring out that asexuality is real. And women have only had the right to their own bank account for slightly over a generation and the norms are just now catching up. Marriage has been “checking a box” for people for a very very long time
Its actually insane to me how many people irl ive met and they told me being attracted to the person isnt necessary for successful relationships. Im glad to hear you say this.
Most people throughout human history didn't get married for "love." It was just something you did because it was expected of you to be a proper "man" or "woman" in society.
She said he knows she isn't attracted to him. She lies to him. I think you would know if someone isn't attracted to you. A lot of these phone calls are similar. People know the truth, they just feel better being lied to.
I hope she’s prepared for him being devastated, and possibly leaving her because how can you feel attraction for someone when you find out they’ve been lying to you for 30-years, and not only never desired you, but felt embarrassed to be in public with you. He may get over it (and it could take some time), but he may not. His whole world will be turned upside down, and he may never trust her again.
This is true. Your husband doesn't have to be a 10 but there has to be some level of physical attraction. This woman is a prime example of what not to do !!!
I'm single and there's pressure on me to basically settle for a guy I'm not attracted to if he has a lot of other good qualities. But I refuse to do this to myself and a man. I would rather wait and be single until I meet a guy I'm very attracted to. But yeah there is a TON of people telling me to find a good man and don't worry about looks/sexual attraction.
This!! I'll keep waiting too. Guys with both good character and good looks are out there. There's so many people trying to call women foolish for wanting attraction too. But lack of attraction leads to disaster for everybody involved.
I agree but at some point if your lucky both of you will be in your 60s and most people are not attracted to elderly people. It's a fine line to navigate
The problem seems to be that women judge physical attractiveness in men much more harshly than vice versa. That is, women find most men unattractive. If only say 20% of men pass the looks test, how will women en masse find long term relationships? They won’t
Exactly, we’re shamed for wanting a good man who is also attractive and pressured to get married young. Those men typically aren’t in a hurry to settle down so if you wait to find the full package it’s usually not going to happen by any deadline. This is the result of pressuring only women to rush to marriage. Yes, they will marry the one who is available for marriage even if he’s not a good fit. And he seemingly benefits from this arrangement by getting a woman who is out of his league, but then he’s surprised she’s not as into him as he’s into her. You can’t have it both ways!
I feel bad for the husband. I definitely don’t want to use colorful language to express myself, but she waited 30years to tell him. She is really selfish, that she stole his life from him; in terms of him finding someone who would love him for him, and who sexually attracted to him. Damn yo, these are one of the things that makes people snap. Like omg, that’s trifling. Period.
Idk why people love being victims. All humans have the power of intuition, discernment and free will (not counting cultural/religious duty/madness, cults and imprisonment). I'm sorry i don't feel bad for people who refuse to take control of their lives due to fear of being alone or simple cowardice. Unless shes the greatest actress he knew there was/is estrangement (which she said). And no I'm not absolving her for her lack of honesty. The way i view life is its up to me as an individual to recognize bs and remove myself from it then to wait around for someone to do "right by me". Only for it to be 30years later and a mf still cant do right by you 🙄 no thanks id rather be alone. Truth is most would rather live a lie then accept the simple truth in front of them. No sympathy!!! Man the f up and direct your life accordingly but nope people submit to cultural and societal pressures. That's on you!! Welp that's the result, Congratulations!!!
Right! I know he’s felt the rejection from her and she didn’t have the courage to leave 30 years ago? This makes me so sad for that man. This is heartbreaking for him and trifling of her
@@hell2thennnaw100% agree with you. Also, I’m tired of people acting like many males don’t prefer to live of “deliberate ignorant bliss” when it comes to certain things in their marriage. For many males, as long as they are getting their needs met (even if not as frequent) then they are okay with the rlsp being the way it is.
Girl I felt this and felt it before marriage at age 21 and then thankfully divorced by 23.5 years old, he was 6 years older than me and I always tried to "feel" it. Should have gone with my gut feeling when we first met but gave him a "chance" he was a nice responsible guy. Then days before the wedding also totally wasn't feeling it but everyone was like "he loves you so much" and then lack of sex life eventually ended two years later. Never "give someone a chance" if you are kinda not feeling it for literally no logical reason but also chemistry is a real thing not to ignore. I cannot imagine this for 30 years. Not fair to hiim either.
“He’s my best friend but I’ve lied to him, don’t want to be out with him around people and have denied him basic attraction from his wife for 30 years.” What a wife, and what a friend.
To be fair, he kept asking her and she kept lying to him. It sounds like he does feel it but also doesn't want to believe his wife would lie to his face for 30 years.
@@natashadickson4819Yea but she is also no doubt delusional. She is older now so her sexual market value has no doubt declined, whereas his probably has not. That's the way it works. Aging means different things to men and women in terms of sexual market value. I bet she's no sex object at this point, after 30 years. Go ahead woman, insult him by telling him she has found him sexually repulsive for 30 years. He'll dump her. She'll collect cats and be embittered for the rest of her life.
@@Gloriagal78a sexual for sure? Says who? This woman said she’s Not sexually attracted to her husband, she NEVER said she wasn’t sexually attracted to other men
I suspect this goes on a lot because when I look at some couples I really dont see any type of enthusiasm or excitement between them. You can just tell that there's no fire or flame between them. Not to mention how so many people let themselves go and don't seem to care about their physical self at all.
Lack of sexual attraction kills most marriages. Especially for men. If the husband is no longer attracted to his wife, there will be no affection, etc. Friend zone.
So true. It isn't about lack of attraction...it is about repressed /unacknowledged trauma (often sexual). It shuts women down. They don't want intimacy. They will use their body initially to attract and secure the "provider". This is often what they were "taught" by the abuser. The woman perpetuates it in her marriage and lives a lie....blaming the man. Men do this as well. I am just speaking from a female perspective.
I am speechless. She needs psychological help. Romance is not the source of the problem. This goes way deeper. The fact that she let this fester for thirty odd years, despite him trying to address and resolve the issue, is wild. Either it's truly not safe for her to express herself, or she feels trapped due to family, religious, or societal pressure.
@@greenAbbot lifestyle means the "idea of being married" if you're not sexually attracted to husband you no longer see them as your husband and you're just stringing them along to fulfill your "perfect marriage" fantasy.
I have adhd and can relate to turning off women. They find some qualities exiting and other's repellent. And I've been manipulated and cheated on while also being told I'm magical and one in a million. It's not easy with the adhd. Gotta keep the dopamine levels even and the mind focused on good producive fun things. A very narrow path. When on the narrow path and dialed in then good thing's and wonderful romance come. Out of the narrow path comes chaos, regression and regret.
as a young man looking for marriage, this terrifies me. ive been dumped a few times (im adhd as well) but i would rather have that short pain than live and build a life with someone for 30 years and find out the woman i love and gave all my heart to and married never really loved me and isn't attracted to me at all. that would ruin me as a person, and i would absolutely blame myself. Im so sorry for the husband. i have no respect for this lady.
Look, you don't get the full truth from a 20 min phone call. If it helps you in any way here is some advice for your future marriage: - look after yourself (I mean hygiene - very important for woman!) - be a MAN, that doesn't need a woman (for washing, cleaning, cooking...) - no Video games (So off putting for most woman) - Don't ever let your parents/mother get involved in your marriage - be funny, make your partner/wife laugh - Show her that you want her (i mean in a manly way, could be strong and rough) Best of luck! 🍀
Don't mother your husband! Don't protect his feelings unless he wants to, then don't take him(!) because that means he's like a son to you. What woman is sexually attracted to her son? Pick a man who you can tell hard truths to, who will protect you, who you can show your feelings to and who you can lean on. Search for such a woman and don't look for mothering!
This call reminds me of the wisdom an older person gave to me. I expressed to them that I couldn't believe someone I knew as being a somewhat quiet, shy, and very sweet person was in such a mess of a relationship. And they responded "many people that don't speak their minds, get away with their own bullsh*t. They can think and hide the worst thoughts and feelings about others without anyone ever calling them out on how horrible it is". That has stuck with me since. It even helped me because if I had a mean or nasty thought about something I would think, "what if I HAD to speak this thought right now?" and I was shocked at the shame I felt. I started auditing my thoughts this way and has made me a much better person, genuinely.
This is what the fear of God instilled in people for millennia. Even if you aren't religious, it seems hard to deny that if you believe an all knowing judge is watching every lie you tell, every cruel thought you don't say, it makes you no longer able to "get away" with little immoral actions and thoughts that over time build up and make you a worse person.
I love the way doctor John can articulate how to have hard conversations, and hus examples, he really does give the callers, and us, the viewers, specialised conversation road maps to follow when having to talk about the hard stuff. Thanks Doc ❤❤❤ from Australia 🇦🇺
The caller is one of those women who didn’t want to miss the train to the middle class. As a result, she decided to settle for a man who she doesn’t want to be with because it allowed her to live the life she wanted. A shame because 30 years of wasted time makes no sense but I think it happens more often than we think
Women do this for less than a middle class life too. If they're socialized that they're supposed to get married, and they're told to focus on a man's goodness and ignore attraction because only immoral women care about sex, then this is what it can lead to. This is more common than people think.
Or sometimes it’s just that people change and fall out of love. Then they’re in it with two kids and a house and realize they’re just repeating the motions. Even harder, sometimes you just don’t know. I’ve heard the saying “You’ll both fall in and out of love with each other over the years. All you can hope is that you don’t both do it at the same time.” That’s normal I think but…where’s the line and who makes it? And of course things are going to annoy you sometimes it would be impossible to spend that much time with someone and that not happen. Life and marriage is messy and complicated. It’s not the fairytale most people go into it thinking it’s going to be.
I’ve never heard someone so unsure of what they want/don’t want. The entire conversation was “idk/I guess/maybe” and often sounded put out by even being asked to specify. How the hell do you intend to fix anything?
@@lilolmecjyes, trauma for sure!! But also cowardly as a result of the trauma. She doesn’t even really know what she likes/wants DUE to the trauma (I blame her mother. She did poor job of teaching her daughter not to let a man you don’t like to get access to her like that.) To be honest BOTH of them are cowardly. He knows she doesn’t want him but he stayed.. I just wonder how she mustered the courage to allow him to get on top of her FOR 30 YEARS!!!! Even if it’s once year I COULD NEVER!! Then again I’m not a coward………👀
This is actually a very common issue Many women aren't sexually attracted to their spouses now or when they met. But got with him anyway because he was a good man and hoped the attraction would kick in. I almost married a man not sexually attracted to 2xIm glad I didn't and waited. The problem is many good men are physically undesirable unattractive. Being a good man isn't synonamous with being a physically desirable man. The two aren't mutually inclusive. We need to have the discussion of how to make good men physically more attractive. Theres this myth that women aren't as visual or mens looks dont matter. Thats not true. Women are simply TOLERATING UNATTRACTIVE MEN.
That sounds like she just doesn’t have any sexual attraction at all. Like she just doesn’t feel it. She said she tried everything and she’s scared to have NEVER felt it. That’s a deeper problem.
@@SimplyCreativeNow It’s a deeper problem for their relationship and her. Not a problem as in “bad”. She is probably asexual and beating herself up for it and making herself do things she doesn’t want to do. That can be traumatic.
I spent 20 years with someone who never liked me/loved me and it nearly killed me. I blamed myself. I got too thin, I did everything he wanted. It was never enough. However, there was abuse that build over time. I have no idea what is going with this cold detached selfish woman
For me, being physically attracted to someone isn't about their physical appearance. It's about their heart and soul, how they treat me and make me feel.
One of the difficulties with women is that their sexual attraction is completely separate from their platonic attraction. Sounds like she married someone she has a lot of camaraderie with but that doesn’t contribute to sexual attraction with women. Most important thing to have from a woman, romantically is her respect and admiration for you as a man. Friendship should be the cherry on top.
Wrong. The best thing you'd want to have from a woman romantically is sexual attraction. We can respect and admire you and still only see you as a friend.
She is not sexually attracted because she doesn't like who her husband is as a person. She has been continually annoyed and displeased with him for 30 years. Yet she has never had the courage to be honest with herself and with him.
She says they’re “in sync”. She likes him overall but doesn’t like aspects of him, especially the ADHD aspects. I had a super good friend once. We really liked each other, loved each other. He was brilliant and funny but also had his quirks. We later became lovers and I quickly realized I had zero attraction to him as a lover. I really didn’t want to hurt him. So I see how it happens. But I ended the lover relationship pretty quickly.
What she means is I don't want to hurt him because I don't want to deal with the consequences of my husband who wants to be desired finding out I'll never desire him.
We have a winner here, Johnny. Ofcourse it's all about safety. This woman doesn't want to lose her meal ticket. She hates him but she never had the better tree branch to hold herself to. If she had found the better higher branch she would have dropped her husband 20 years ago.
I hate how when men don't find a women attractive, it's taken at face value and the man just gets to move on with his life. When women don't find a man attractive it's analysed like a problem to be solved and the women is vilified. This is why I don't give anyone I don't feel intense sexual attraction for a "chance". I just keep it moving and save everyone time and heartache
My wife feels like this about me and we've been together almost 20 years, and I knew it very early on. I stopped bringing it up years ago, I'm just waiting for the kids to grow and move out and then I'll take my leave.
Your really not look at f2f relationships bunch of whales or unattractive females the type dudes wouldn’t give the time of day but with girls they have a chance.
Y'all are the ones always saying that BS not us 😂 everytime I tell a girl that looks matter they always say they hardly matter and just be nice and have a good personality 😂 meanwhile when i was less attractive I got treated like dogshit and now that I'm better looking I get treated 20 times better by women now 😂 its women that perpetuate that because you want to act like angels that aren't shallow. But no men denies that looks are very important to them.
Why do y’all keep assuming its purely physical attraction thats the issue when she explicitly states that his adhd and his social incompetence is the reason she feels she doesnt like him. It’s not that she isn’t physically attracted to him, she doesn’t respect him.
@@IAMHERE486 I literally had a conversation with some ladies at work 2 hours ago and that's what they said to me 🤣 stop lying. Ugly men that can't get women are invisible. Nobody cares what they say or think they hold no influence in the dating scene whatsoever. Their complaints fall on deaf ears 🤣 I've only ever heard women say that being nice and having a good personality and being emotionally vulnerable and all that bullshit is attractive and what women truly want 🤣 stop lying
..sucks…yeah, he should have left years ago…my only regret with my own divorce, was not doing it sooner, nothing can make up for lost time…and u will never talk someone into being sexually attracted to u…
I don't know about that. If she didn't lie, I'd say she's also confused about what this roadmap to her own happiness is. Maybe she came from a home that bottles that stuff up. In another words, she doesn't even know because she was never taught to ponder it. She just accepted that she's a wife and she needs to do A B and C, but these A B and Cs aren't fulfilling for her. And I think her hubby is also, as she said, a little ADHD-ish, maybe a little dense when it comes to reading her feelings correctly. Men aren't built to decipher women's wants and needs automatically. I'm sure when she lacks desire for him, there are signs that he's missed, which in turn builds that resentment even more. But I'm also perplexed as to why her counseling didn't work. A lot of that is geared towards discovering yourself, who you are, your past, what you desires are, etc. So, some things don't add up if she said she tried everything and they didn't work. The only thing left is she's wired as a asexual who just doesn't like intimacy. The longer we hear the call the more question marks for all, that's for sure.
And the thing is, he may say that he's out. He may say that he's wasted 30 years of his life and he doesn't want to anymore. What I thought was really unfair of John to do is sit there and say that she needs to give him a road map to her heart. What's he going to think of that? Oh boy, you've lied to me for 3 decades. Every romantic thing I thought we had has been fraudulent. And now I have to follow a road map to your heart?! WTF! This chick stole 3 decades of his life when he was at his prime that he can't get back. He may not want to waste another second of it.
@DudeTastic13 I've seen myself itbhas nothing to do with the man. Thr ma. Can do everything to gmhelp women like this but no amount of help will change a narcissist who doesn't want to change women like this don't realize or care how their actions negatively effect others so wen u have a woman like this is time to run ur sanity will depend on it.
On one hand, she says she feels like she is missing out on sexual experiences. On the other hand, she says she has no sexual attraction to her husband. So... who are you fantasizing about? She's definitely thinking about other men.
My husband did that too me recently and we are trying to communicate better, but I have to say that it isn't fair to either of you to hold back on stuff like this to avoid "hurting their feelings." Trust me when I say it hurts way worse to leave behind a career move to a new location for the sake of the other's career, have a child together, and be totally isolated and dealing with past trauma and then find this stuff out. He didn't realize how he felt until looking back on the last six years and avoiding his own feelings. It hurts more when you put all of that time and effort into a life together and then find out that the person doesn't want you.
@@otrebla8944 even if there was, the red flags are easily missed when going through motions of life, and not practicing self-awareness on top of living with "it will get better when ____" like I did when I was married.
I’m not a super sexual person. I have tried all the therapy, drugs, hormones, romance. It helps. I love my husband and I want what he wants-sometimes my body just doesn’t cooperate. He’s amazing. He loves me. I am attracted. The things is, after 22 years, we still communicate about this monthly if not weekly. Even just acknowledging his needs is important and I do anything to address his needs, even if it’s other sexual things outside intercourse. We also have a standing rule, if I feel the least bit frisky, to call and he will be there ASAP. We manage to have a great sexual relationship, even if intercourse is only a few times monthly. Communication, mutual respect, empathy, and sometimes sacrifice are the key to working through hard times.
If you're not attracted to him, you can easily be drawn away by someone more attractive If you're not attracted to him, you can easily be drawn away by someone more attractive, we all have that capability If you're not attracted to him, you're likely attracted to someone else, so why did you marry this one? You could have easily said no if you weren't attracted Attraction leads to sexual activity, an obvious sign of attraction If you're not attracted to someone early on, DON'T EVEN pursue a romantic relationship
basically she’s weak and called to say she’s unhappy with her marriage and her husband and has been for 30 years but wants to hear someone tell her she’s right to want to leave him… also if you listen to the callers and believe them at their word, all other therapists are terrible and give horrible advice.
@@JDAfricahow do you know she's not the higher wage earner? Also "giving her kids" is an absolutely ridiculous statement. If there is anyone giving someone kids, it would be her sacrificing her own body to create those children.
@@staceyk2274So women can father their own children without a man? Gotcha. I love when people who buy into the B's that feminism sells don't understand how biology works.
Congrats to this lady for robbing off this man from his prime years. Lying to him constantly. I wish people like her would be able to sued for emotional, psychological damage, soul and mind raping. We are not talking about a couple of years. It is nearly 30 years. The entitlement some people have over others lives is absolutely mind-blowing.
The dramatics haha. As a man maybe society should stop trying to convince women to marry men they aren't attracted to, looks matter at the end of the day.
That poor man. The only nice thing she had to say about him was he was a good dad. She saw stability in a man she doesn't love and used him for 30 years, robbing him of chance at being loved.
Society confuses women- looks aren’t important, focus on the character. When in reality it needs to be both looks & character to make a marriage work. She probably bought into the message that physical attraction isn’t important for a good marriage. And now having tried everything she’s realizing it will always be like this. It’s a trap for both of them.
Physical attractiveness changes as you age. If a man marries a beautiful women, let’s face it, that certainly changes with age - but he is married to her and devoted his life to her. He can’t just go “meh you didn’t age well…. Onto the next”, and neither should she.
Im tired of people saying that it's always "society's" fault if women have shortcomings, could you imagine if we used that card as men verytime we fucked up? People would laugh at us, instead we just own our mistakes, try to fix them and carry on but nooooo, with women is always someone else's fault smh
A lot of women’s attraction to a man isn’t based as much on looks as men’s. I think that may be why people say that because a hot guy who doesn’t treat you well or who you can’t respect will become a turn off so I just think people are saying pay attention to his character so you can be attracted. Women just aren’t looks-mainly attracted as bang men are.
@@Dansyoung a man started a relationship with a woman he found attractive at the beginning of their relationship is a foundation among other things he built his marriage upon. he can later remember the spark he had for her. He can glean from that from the past but in this woman’s case she never felt attracted to her husband. Probably kept hoping that one day will feel attracted to him but it never happened.
@@elyse443 seems to me she not only isn’t attracted to him physically she also doesn’t like his personality at least in part. As she said he embarrasses her in public with his words and over sharing.
@@aislcsales Yup. She knows exactly what she's doing. Only now she's getting old and the money alone isn't satisfying her down there. She was looking for permission from John to say go bang other men.
my parents both shows major signs of adhd all that she stated time blindness, over talking, talking over other people, verbal diarrhea lolol but they are the coolest people ever and perfect for each other true soulmates. They shine together 🌟 love them
Imagine being told your wife pretended to be into you the entire time and then being told "now you need to do this to fix it" as if it's on him in any way😂😂
That's what's crazy about this to me. After 30 years, she needs to continue faking it and stop the gatekeeping. She made her bed. She needs to lie in it. This is 1000% on her. Quite frankly, I don't care how she feels. She had her chance 30 years ago! She needs to do what he wants sexually at this point. If I were him after this conversation, I would immediately divorce. I would probably never be able to trust women again. He was lied to for 30 YEARS unbeknownst to him. I would spend my days hooking up and having flings that were sexually satisfying but never committing. The person he thought she was didn't exist and never did exist.
Id love to be desired and for me to desire my parrner too. Like i want it to be a mutual relationship cmon yall wtf. 😢that could only happen if both are compatible in alot of areas of their personalities i feel. Like its possible. I had that until my ex lied alot. Literally made me lose interest and sexual desire 100%
@bignickenergy723 exactly !!! I hate how this video makes me feel. Because its literally what i lived 4 yrs ago. Since last month that i left him. Gosh once ur lied to . Its like who tf is this person???!!! It makes me feel like throwing up.
My husband who passed away had ADHD and YES he was the greatest lover !!! What makes me sad about this lady is that she blames him for her lack of desire. Desire is so connected to other realities … how respected do I feel , how understood for who I am , how receive with my imperfections do I feel ? How comfortable was she to share who she was and be vulnerable?
She’s not blaming him for her lack of desire. Did you not listen to the long list of things she’s done herself to solve her problem? Yes, she talked about his ADHD traits too, but she is definitely not blaming him for her lack of desire for him.
A woman is never attracted to a man-child. She said his manners/behavior in public are so bad she refuses to socialize with him when other people will be there. When I woman has to tell a grown man not to tell inapproprate jokes, not to interrupt others, stop arriving late etc. she become the mommy to a grown baby. This is why she isn't attracted to him. She sees him as a child and she the mother.
I would much rather someone hurt my feelings than string me along for 30 years!!!!! I don’t want to feel disliked by my spouse I’d rather him say I don’t like you any more. I grew up in a house where my parents resented each other and it really negatively effected both of them and me.
As a fellow Minnesotan, this is very common. Culturally,many of us are not honest about difficult emotions with our partners. I was in a similar marriage and know many men and women from Minnesota who do not share their true feelings.
Attraction is a non-negotiable for me. Single, but I thankfully came to learn that it’s not a shallow thing to want that, contrary to what so many people in my formative years seemed to convey. It’s wise and honest.
It is why I hate the advice gurus & some therapists give of "look don't matter or attraction fades" as a way to say marry the best you can..... which is some BUllsh*t. Physical attraction I00 percent matters. It is a massive part of a healthy and good relationship.
Yes to a certain extent I agree with you. Attraction is a non negotiable for me too. But I think the problem is that women are only attracted to the best looking men despite being average themselves. The average woman is not attracted to the average man. Men generally find 40-60% of women attractive, while women only find like 20% of men attractive. If women understood that they are a reflection of their male counterparts then they would be more reasonable. But even a woman like Lizzo thinks she's a 10/10 and not humble about it 🤣 as a man attraction is non negotiable for me, but its easy to qualify. You just need a pretty face. You can be short, tall, skinny, athletic, a little chunky, poor or rich I don't care. Just be decently pretty and not obese and the personality would handle the rest. But now you have below average women saying their man must be minimum 6ft tall, handsome, in good shape with a good job. Either that or be a complete loser with no job or hygiene that beats up women 🤣 losers do surprisingly well. Its the average men that are struggling because they are seen as boring or second options to be settled for 🤣 If you guys don't have a problem sharing 20% of the best looking men then keep doing what you're doing (which I think deep down women prefer). But if you want a meaningful long lasting relationship and you're average looking then you need to be a little humble and find a good looking guy that treats you right, not the best looking man you could possibly find thats way out of your league 🤣 and no being reasonable is not settling. I do agree with what you're saying about attraction being mandatory
@reggiestockton8166 I don’t think it’s that women only like the best looking men, I think it’s just that men are inheritly and statistically uglier. It’s easier to walk around in public and see beautiful women, but seeing a beautiful/handsome man is very rare. Women take better care of their appearance. Mainly because society pressures them to do so. But men will be looking ugly and busted with eye boogers in their eyes and fat and short and think women should be attracted to that. Men just need to start taking better care of their appearance. And society should not telling men that they can look like a monkey/gorilla and it’s fine. No, it’s not fine, men should upkeep their appearance just as much as women do. Self care, skin care, hair care and vitamins, better attention to fashion, and so on
She’s straight up just lying to Dr John here. When he asked if she’s attracted to other men, she purposely avoided the question. It’s not that she didn’t understand, she chose to not understand so she could skate being held accountable for not being attracted to her husband.
EXACTLY! Ive heard of women not finding their husbands "attractive," but NEVER heard of a woman not knowing *why* . Shes trying to preserve her reputation.
In my opinion she just wants attention and create confusion. She is not serious or genuine, but she is playing a game with Dr Delony. I will suggest that this video is removed from the Podcast because Dr Delony deserves better:)
@@Jaco3688 She couldn't lock down the hot guy to provide for her 28 years ago, so she settled for a guy from her Friend Zone rather than risk being alone.
As a counselor, I come across this ALL the time and it is usually the female who is struggling with desire. It’s not always sex specific, but since the introduction of viagra the sexpectation has become lopsided. I remember doing social work at the ICU where a woman asked if her husband could stay in the hospital for a few more days because she was enjoying her autonomy and celibacy. They were older and she was post menopausal, but there was apparently nothing wrong with his libido.
interesting. I never thought of it from that stand point. The societal impact of viagra must have both good and bad. It is always nice hearing from a different perspective.
This sounds awful for men -- basically they're just there as a platform for resources while being denied any form of grace when it comes to being loved.
@@Billy-bc8pk She was a retired property manager and I am pretty sure she made more money than he did. This is also something I see in my hospice practice. When an older man’s wife dies, they often return to trying to find a new companion fairly quickly, old women are usually not nearly as interested in doing so. I once heard an old woman say she had no desire to date, because old men are just looking for a nurse or a purse. These men then try to find someone younger with the prospect of getting laid. Unfortunately, not only do they get used for their resources, but they wind up abused in other ways as well. They think they are in love, but once these women have taken everything they own, they leave the older gentleman with herpes and heartbreak. You would not believe the family drama I have seen happen in end of life care.
Yes. Viagra has the “playing field” imbalanced between older men and older women. Before Viagra, it was balanced and not overdone. HRT “helps” but will never be what viagra is to men.
You can't fix it. Just end it. Folks always think somehow it will work even though there's no sexual chemistry. It won't. Intimacy is so important whether we want to admit it or not.
@CanadianLuvCrush I don’t necessarily think you’re wrong about that, but how could you possibly be so naive to blame “society” for a decision like marriage. How about we emphasize taking responsibility for one’s own decisions instead of assigning blame to this often imagined “pressure”
@@brandonprice1301 it’s 💯 society’s fault. It’s seen as weird to remain single and childless as a woman. There’s pressure from parents to date, then get married, then have kids, and in that order. A lot of people don’t want this, but when you’re in your 20’s and naive, you just get swept along with society.
@@FreshFlamingo Yes the 6'3 athletic 270lb powerlifting incel. My profile pic clearly shows I'm hideous. The word incel has lost all of its sting because feminists use it for anyone they disagree with.
I think I understand what this lady's talking about. I'm in love with my husband and I was attracted to him very much while we were dating. But after we were married the sex (we waited for marriage) wasn't great and I wasn't satisfied. I tried telling him this for a year but it didn't reach him until one night I was direct as possible. And we were honest. Apparently, he's not close to his dad and he never had "the talk" with him. Unlike me,who had great parents and they were very open and honest with the "talk". So basically, I had to give my poor husband the talk and yes, he was mad I didn't tell him sooner but he was happy we could be so honest with each other. Since then, our sex life has been awesome and has been growing every time. Though I have to be also honest with myself. Sometimes, I'm not in the mood. I've been touched by children all day and sometimes I don't want to be touched anymore. Or sometimes we're doing it and I just have to be honest and let him know hey, and want this connection we have but I'm too mentally occupied right now with the kids to be able to come. And we're both OK with that and I'm still able to enjoy it even though I don't get physical pleasure but I get the emotional bond I want. I don't know. I guess I just felt like kinda understood what she was talking about. But man!! Keeping that in for 30 years seems crazy to me. I was getting fed up by the end of just one year. Tell your husbands ladies. Be honest. I promise the sex is so much better when you're honest with your husband.
I think your situation is different than hers. In your situation, you had that attraction to your man early on and then it was lost. So you had "the talk" and that attraction was restored. It is a different case. In her situation, she never had that attraction at all to her man in the first place so there is nothing that can be done. Think about it, if her situation can be solved by having "the talk" then she would have enough common sense to do that already just like you did. But deep down inside, she knows that is not the case. She is one of those people pleaser who can't say no, even at the cost of herself. And 28 years later, this is where it got her.
So his parent didn't have the talk with him and he just didn't know what he was doin is what ur sayin? If u were experienced why didn't u instruct him and show him or tell him what u liked or needed? Women I think like men to figure it out what they like n need and it's a waste of time when they could just tell us.
Physical is very important whether someone says it’s not, you must feel attracted to your partner! Love is not enough!! I was with a man for 8 years and the last 2 years of our relationship I felt I was never attracted to him. I decided to end the relationship even if he was hurt about it, but I couldn’t keep pretending. Now 30 years, wow he not only missed out on someone loving him physically , but she also missed out on being with someone she would have been attracted to.
She is a very selfish woman. This goes beyond people pleasing/“not wanting to hurt him”. 30 years? That is really shameful. And she’s still only thinking about herself, “I don’t wanna be 80 one day and feeling regretful” like how about you don’t want your husband to continue wasting his life with you, lady???
@@oambitiousone7100 Obvisouly you are very naive. NO Woman will ever ever support any man that they are not attracted too. Women have very high standards as even average women think they are 9's but are between 4 to 6 but has a long list of demads from a man. So please stop the cap.
@@BarnzTTNo women don't know how to express sexual desires it comes with shame men are very relax they know what they want like big boobs or anything but women don't know until experience it it cause disaster for women and men in relationships
Man would notice if she is attractred....especially if he is talking in flirtatious way and doing gestures holding hand or something.... if she pulls away after holding a hand or giving some gift... its strange he wouldnt notice it for 30 years.
My wife and I had this hard conversation in 2020 after 15 years. I initiated it. It was hard but was the best thing for our marriage. We were both able to admit things and work on them. It was well worth the effort only wish we did it sooner.
Marriage went from something I was ready to walk away from to something I’m happy with again. It no longer seems like I’m the only one who puts effort in. The sex is the best ever. Of course it’s not perfect, but now that we have opened the lines of communication we freely express our concerns as they come up instead of letting it build.
Like 99% of women. She married him for financial security, or because she was about to hit the wall (my friends are getting married and having kids and I'm 26!).
Absolute facts . She was in it for the money or her options dried up , but probably the money as she would likely of been very young 30 years ago. Women don't like to admit their motive is money, as it's basically just prostitution.
One of my greatest fears is being married to a woman who does not enjoy sex. A big reason is because my dad has told me multiple times ever since I was a teenager that my mom never enjoyed sex or experienced orgasm and that she only agreed to sex because she wanted to have children. This was a hard thing to hear from him especially at a young age. Ever since, I have been very vigilant about knowing for sure if a woman is sexually interested in me before I would marry her.
It doesn't matter you could have a great and most awesome sex life and then 5, 10 or 15 years later they just turn off like a light switch but you've got twenty years together and three kids...now what you gonna do...dump her :(
Ask your dad why your mom couldn't orgasm. There's a lot that goes into bringing a woman into an aroused, orgasmic state. What you see in porn ain't it. It's likely not her fault.
Same with men, I can't even be with (permanently) low libido ones because the mismatch in sex drive leaves me feeling undesirable. It took me a lot of time to not be paranoid about them secretly not liking intimacy or certain aspects of it.
We all have something that puts off someone else, so remember no one's perfect, NOT EVEN YOU! Come back and tell us the day you're perfect, we'll all die waiting because no one's perfect
I’ve been here with an ex. Our vaginas (when not attracted sexually to our partner) will literally close up in order to reject intercourse. The vagina will close and dry up and try to push out the penis, which makes sex constantly painful and uncomfortable. Sex feels forced and we just pray that it’s over as fast as possible. I realized that I was not in love with my ex, only that I had plantinic love for him. I couldn’t handle this uncomfortable sex for 2 years, I can’t believe she’s gone through this for 20+ years.
I agree with you. Faking it for over 20 years 😵💫 When a woman isn’t attractive to her partner it becomes painful to have sex. Exactly what you explain happens to the body.
Dealing with this exact issue as a husband of more than 5 years. It has been an interesting and dramatic last few months of me FORCING this issue to the front. I get why she lied. She sounds soooo much like my wife ….. did. It is brutally painful and complex to deal with from both sides. The part that makes it so difficult is how my wife really has expressed that she does love me and she really is scared to death of losing me. What has been most effective in dealing with this is my practice of making her feel that she has lost me. I hate doing it. Super complicated. I am so glad I didn’t let this sit around for three decades like this guy did. I get what happens. But I can guarantee that he actually will not be shocked at all if she were to be honest with him… he already is quite aware. And he hates her for the years of lying
Information on the husband's actions/behaviour is missing. I am not blaming the husband only attempting to convey the message that they both created the environment that they are in. Why has he let the situation go on for as long as it has? Does he hear her? Does he dismiss her - she did say that he constantly interrupts her? Might she feel as though she has no voice? She did infer that maybe he is not willing to work on his flaws by him saying that is 'who he is'. How does he handle conflicts/disagreements between the two of them? Does he shut her concerns down? Something must have happened in her past for her to feel unable to be vulnerable to him and his behaviour towards her is reinforcing that behaviour of not feeling safe to open up to her husband. She did say that she sought out counselling but it is not clear whether the husband also sought out counselling for himself or whether they did as a couple. Once again, I am not blaming him as I believe both went into the marriage desiring a wonderful, long-lasting marriage. She did say that at the beginning of their relationship that she was sexually attracted to him. There is a severe lack of emotional intimacy between the two of them, and this is impacting on her sexual desire. Every one of us comes with bruises and wounds to our hearts as a result of life. Yes, the onus is on her to deal with those bruises and wounds. But, it is also the role of a husband and wife to attempt to intimately know the soul of their partner. Marriage requires a mindset of 'what is best for the cherished marriage relationship that exists between us' and not 'what is best for me'. That means a husband and wife working on themselves and also working to know and develop an intimate understanding of who their spouse is.
@@mia_f What I mean is this…….let me give some embarrassing and unflattering backstory in as discrete a manner I can. The only reason I going into this here is maybe people are in the same position and perhaps my story can help. Remember, I can go through a brief sketch on the comment section of a TH-cam video. For clarity, I will use phrases like, “wife was having sex for me”. What I mean by that is simple. I mean no orgasm (for her) nothing that physically comes for the women when her body is a part of the act. ******** I am six years older than my wife. We met through church, our parents got us to go on a date. I lost 100 lbs after college (was always big until then) I did not have much experience with sex before we met (but was mad about the fact that no Christian girls in my age bracket seemed to be equally yoked in this arena. When I met my lovely wife, she was beautiful, sweet, innocent, had come from a broken family but loved the Lord. (She is still all of those things) And……. She was a virgin. While we were dating and engaged. She was never affectionate (even her dad warned me that she had not been since she was a little girl). She wanted to wait for marriage. While my body was ready, I glad accepted this because I respected the virtue of waiting. She had other quirks about nervousness and anxiety that were kind of out of the norm even for a woman. (Her dad once said to me that he was against medication but his daughter was a little different on this front) Nothing to bad, it was always kind of cute anyway to me. ****** We get married, I could not have been happier. On thing seems to bother me though. I have not brought her close to orgasm, or even done anything for her that she seemed to enjoy. Now here is the issue at this point: 1. I am not super experienced (but that should be ok. We both wanted to wait) 2. She really wants us to keep trying to get her body to respond. 3. We are newlyweds, I am not gonna sit there and get mad at her…… it “will all work out” (lol mistake) They say to “not put to much pressure” (bad bad bad advice btw) I did what a young experienced loving husband would do. I kept trying to build a life outside and inside the bedroom with my lovely wife. Perhaps we need to see a doctor, if she can’t I am not gonna hurt her for it. ******** The trying gets more difficult overtime by the way. The longer in the 1st year I can trying with no results, not even the slightest sign of where to go,… the more difficult attempts get. No matter how much I tried it was destroying my confidence. She assured me that she that she was attached to me, and that she loved me too. She told me she had never masturbated. One time, after I had had a great time, she asked me in the most sweet and innocent voice, “what does it feel like??” I wanted to do whatever I needed to fix the issue. But as time goes it affects the man. The problem was that she was holding back and lying to me. Attempts to talk about it were either lies to me, or some weird type of test. I’d get determined that we go see a doctor just to rule it out, and she would say no….. we are gonna figure it out. And I love you and I am attracted to you and it isn’t the end of the world if we don’t figure it out. ******* Year two we make a beautiful boy, followed by year 3 3 1/2 another beautiful boy. Life gets busy ************** This all changes about a year and a half ago. Frequency of us having relations is what seems ok to me (twice a week). Off course it is ALWAYS for me. And of course I am developing a physical disability myself from all this . But through a miracle of confidence I decided that we needed to try for her again and drive to a sex shop and have to get some old 85 year old lady explain toys to me, (lol) my wife refused to get out of the car. I buy basically the most expensive thing in the store. We get home, I tell my wife, we gotta figure this out. She tells me that she had been dishonest with me. She had lied about having never master-bated on her own. She told me she was embarrassed and nervous, that is why she didn’t want to tell me. She told me that she reads these stories (literally porn, as degrading and less healthy than porn guys watch I can tell you that) and that she had been able to do that by herself since she was a girl. I was both frustrated because she should have been honest ….yet happy because I thought we were gonna find it that night. Turns out we were unable to have any success in the area for the the next month of trying. That’s when it got dark for me. I stopped wanting to talk to her, I didn’t want to have sex with her, I was repulsed by her for most of 2023. Long story short for most of 2023 it just felt that I had a Christian obligation of an extra mouth to feed (that didn’t respect me). I made an attempt in October to start taking her out on a monthly date (17th of every month set aside for a date with us) October 17 she made love BEFORE the date (which occurred because sec was for me and she wanted to get it out of the way). The date went well, I missed my wife but I could not sleep that night because I realized I had repressed this issue so much. That she had never really completely given herself to me, and I was bitter about it. The 19th of October I was led by the Lord to read the book of Hosea. The book alot more anti feminist that the summaries people give. If God says that the husband is to the wife and Christ/God is to the church then I came to realize He lead on His own terms (look up the Hebrew terms found in Hosea 2:16) ************ The next month was interesting and worth it. I prayed everyday that the Lord would guide me. It was hire painful for me to endure (reading the nasty stories she read all day long….. so that I was prepared to call her on her BS that she was feeding me in this area) It definitely hurt, but I took charge of my marriage and family. Leaving alot of details out but we were trying with …… better results. However, my conclusion, is that like this lady sounds. Part of her wants to have that relationship with her husband and the other part will not allow herself to be vulnerable with her husband enough for it to be erotic. In the case of my wife, what she wants for us in the bedroom comes at a loss of control she doesn’t want to give up. She was choosing to have her cake and eat it as well. Let me be sweet husband who loves and cares for her and she can fulfill her own desires in the bed by herself and she can be the manipulative leader of our home. Through great focus and me fighting through much emotional pain….. I made it clear that she was not gonna have me the way she had me before. I wasn’t tolerating this. About a month after that October date it led to me rearranging the kids playroom. Me putting a bed in there and telling my wife that I would still make sure she was fed, protect her from an intruder coming in the house….. (basics husband duties that I was morally obligated for) But that I was done being her husband until she would give herself to me. I told her I loved her and wanted to wait as long as I could for her to come around but I wasn’t gonna be the husband who she wasn’t attracted to in that way. It was more dramatic than that and I am leaving much out but you get the point. I was willing to lose her and telling her that she had lost me. I didn’t want to lose her. I loved her. But I needed to be strong and not let her bully us (passively) anymore. It took about 4 1/2 minutes later that night. I got to see a side of my wife that I had yearned so much for…. our entire lives. It was beautiful, and it was worth the pain and the risk. I do not blame her as much as the other men (especially in the church) around me. Since then the issue in the bedroom has almost completely resolved. I have instituted a three strikes rule. Basically if we are trying and somehow I fail (the years of what happen still have an effect on my confidence) I only get two strikes. Two consecutive misses from my performance and I withdraw emotionally and physically until she guarantees me a base hit, lol. Still work to do, but I am so glad the Lord guided me through this impossible maze. It really was a miracle. My wife really deceived me. There are very dark parts of this and I think the main guy of this podcast handled the call really really well and was on top of this one. What she says sounds a lot like where my wife was and what it would have been like had I not given all of myself to the painful process of fighting through this. I feel for the guy because it is hard to explain what it is like being the guy in that spot. A good loving guy can easily never get out of a position like this even if he is capable, attractive, competent, and loving. Because she is doing this to her husband and he is not Skilled enough to understand just how much she has simply used him.
@@mia_f Answering you directly. My wife physically responds to me taking charge and not allowing her to describe what she is doing in “nice” terminology. It doesn’t matter how much of a pro the bed or attractive the guy is if deep down the wife thinks she has gotten away with thinking of her good husband as a weak loser who is not capable of seeing through her fraud. Her success at misleading him (or what she perceives as her having mislead him even if he kind of knows) is almost itself a way mocking him…. Bringing him down to level where it is not possible to feel attraction to him. So the best method for me is to look at her and call her out for the disrespect she has held in her heart and almost gotten off to in her mind. I have to reiterate that i am not accepting sex for me as acceptable and that I would rather be alone than that. That she is gonna follow my lead, that she is gonna trust me, but God made her with free will. And that I choose my wife, but if she insists on doing this dark and mean game, then perhaps I would be happier with that single mom I know from work who probably would take the offer, or the other single mom from church who is probably sick of being alone at night. I tell my wife that she best learn to get hot and heavy for “good guy”. Because if she insist on having a “bad boy” in the sack then she may end up turning me into a real naughty boy. But there is nothing naughty about a loving husband and wife getting it on. A husband getting it on with someone else on the other hand is very very naughty, lol. So through this process I have been having to remind my wife to tell me again if I need to be a good boy or a naughty boy??? Which one does she really thinks she wants, lol
I don’t know but it’s definitely not the case with mine. We are both extremely attracted to each other. 14 years together. I still think my husband is the most attractive man I’ve ever seen.
@@brianring-nu9dwhow exactly? He tried and she tried but this is on her, she didn't feel it and there might not be something that he can do to change thqt
There is no perfect partner. If you think that there is, you will just pick and pick until you pick shi#! Do not be honest with him unless you’re prepared to break up with him and are financially secure. Remember the advice he is giving you is from a man’s point of view. Do NOT tell him until you are ready and feel it’s safe to do so and he won’t blow his top. It’s all about the correct timing.
There are lots of men who just assume they ARE meeting their partner's needs, because they have big egos. When their women TRY to talk to them about what isn't working, the men respond defensively, and don't want to make the changes the woman is asking for, or they say they do but aren't committed to doing so. The women may try for a (long) while to keep putting forward what she wants, but if what she says doesn't change anything, eventually she's going to stop asking for what she needs. This happens all the time. My women friends constantly say their partners aren't going to change, they've tried, they have to accept not having their needs responded to, and they look elsewhere for many aspects of their happiness or well-being while staying in the relationship. I think this caller is just saying what a lot of women feel, and what a lot of women's relationships look like. She hasn't been "lying" to her husband for 30 years, and he isn't the victim of her lack of honesty--instead, she's more likely been systematically un-listened to for so long she probably doesn't know how to make her own case anymore. Dr. Delony is making assumptions about the basic functionality of heterosexual relationships, as if he's never heard how disappointed many women are with men's lack of maturity, responsiveness, emotional intimacy, etc. If there are lots of women walking around out there feeling like true equals in their relationships with men, why is the world like it is? Until we accept we live in a world that caters to men and their egos, are we really being honest about anything? When my little daughter asked me why all 47 presidents have been men, with not a single woman among them, what could I say? Men have a belief in their right to have power and to control others. See it, Dr. D?
You have hit the nail on the head. I have been married for 19 years. During our marriage I have discussed how he can make sex more pleasurable for me, I have physically guided him to show him how, I have suggested he watch youtube videos on how to enhance the experience. He does what I suggest ONCE & thinks he's now an expert & nothing further should be required on his part. I have watched hundreds of hours of youtube videos by a variety of presenters to try to make the experience satisfying for both of us. It's exhausting and miserable being the only person in a relationship who puts in any effort. He then wonders why I have never had an O without the use of toys. His lack of participation & willingness to learn is why I am no longer sexually attracted to my husband. For those who will say just walk away, he's a good person in so many other ways - just a dud root, which I don't really believe is a good enough reason to destroy a marriage.
@@KarenCam0048 Karen, I'm sorry. I am right there with you. My guy is a "good person" too--but I think there is a lower bar, much much lower, for men to be considered good. If men are trained by the world to think women matter less than they do, they may not even realize that they are not responding to us as we deserve. It's like they don't get it and are thinking: isn't a woman a person to not really pay serious attention to, while simultaneously expecting her to meet a man's needs? I actually keep waiting to wake up one day and be done with my "good guy" because I am so tired of feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. I want more tenderness, more of a feeling that I matter, etc. The more I think about how he is a good guy, the more guilty I feel for thinking about leaving, and even the more guilty I feel about being unsatisfied. Maybe his goodness isn't really affecting me in a good way? It's hard.
It’s interesting that so many of us marry the wrong person, because we haven’t cleaned up our own stuff enough to be clear, and then we have sexless marriages. It’s something not talked about enough imo, as it starts so far back. I LOVE that this is being addressed here! I wish I had addressed this too, many years ago with my ex husband. We may have saved ourselves both a lot of pain for ourselves and our children.
Could marrying the wrong person be a symptom that no one ever teaches people about love or even about fulfilling relationships. In school we learn to read and write, parents teach us how to eat, clean our teeth, tie our shoes, shave...yet no one ever sits with us as children and talks about love and loving relationships! This is why society is so unhappy.
(I’m 8 minutes in) Damn… this hit hard for me. I’m in this situation with my boyfriend right now. I got into this relationship 2 months post breakup and he was a comfort in a time of sadness. I mean I did tell him from the beginning that I was not ready for something new but he insisted and I liked being doted over so there it is. Well it’s been a year now and I don’t think I like him anymore than I did at the beginning. Never really physically attracted to him. But his persistence and how loving he is has kept me here, like I ought to love this man too. But somehow there’s just something missing me for me. I would say in my case the difference is that I’d be the one to bring up the fact that I think he’s fallen in love with me faster/more than I have with him. But I never actually broke it off out of guilt. This video gave me the push I need to call it quits, he deserves someone who’s truly into him and I don’t want to build resentment and wonder “what if” in the future.
Classic rebound relationship. He treats you so well because he knows that you're out of his league but that will never give you real desire knowing deep down that you can do better than him. I have nothing against a rebound relationship so long as you were openly honest and you end it after 3 months. Having someone dote and praise you can boost your confidence and healing after a recent breakup, but you should have hit that "eject" button after 3 months instead of having this drag on for a year to avoid crushing this guy.
how is it possible to create sexual desire where it doesn't exist between 2 people who have been together 30 years? You can't re-heat a souffle but in this case there's no souffle.
Honestly if you’ve been with someone for 30 years and you don’t feel sexual attraction toward that person, I don’t think it’ll change. Regardless of how much counseling and advice you get, because sexual attraction is something that I believe comes naturally within your body like I believe chemicals are moving and you’re having chemical reactions inside of your body to feel an attraction toward a person and I don’t think outside sources can help with that maybe some sort of drug or something but even that’s temporary.
"It's cheaper to keep her" has officially been DEBUNKED by this call! All the money, energy, attention, and time he has spent has been a complete waste!
Whats the alternative for this man though, if they split he's fucked. The dating market is brutal in today's world. if you're a good looking man yet get everything, if avg - below you get scraps and if your even the most unattractive women ever you have endless options
I was in this exact same place, high school sweethearts, married 14 years, no kids. Finally I broke, I wanted to want sex so bad, I knew I was missing something big and honestly, he was too. He deserved to be wanted. I finally had the courage to move on and now I have a partner where that spark is clearly there, even a few years in and with a newborn. It’s night and day. A life changer. Was seeing in black and white and now I see in color.
The problem is not your lack of attraction but the resources that he invested in that relationship, including time, and the resources he lost when you split. It easier to replace a woman than replace a house you paid off.
WOW this is probably what I'm going through as well. He complains about me not desiring him, and it's been because of things that have happened in the past and me understanding his personality type more. I feel so bad because I don't want to divorce, but I see stories like this and it makes me feel like I want someone I desire soooo bad, but I'm terrified of what will happen. I'm definitely seeing in black and white, and I want to see colors :( .
I feel so bad for her husband. She should of told him before things got too serious. I'm guessing she married and settled for him because she didn't want to be alone. She robbed him of him finding love and creating a family who loves and cares for him. I hope she lets her husband go so he can still have time to find someone who will love and cherish him for the rest of his life. ❤️
Ladies NEVER just " Give him a chance" if you have to put that much effort into being with him that early. That is your cue to put him in the friendzone
It seems as if she must not have had other options for a relationship or marriage. This makes no sense to marry someone to whom you're not sexually attracted.
This is why it's better to get rejected instead of getting someone to give you a chance. It will hurt at first, but it will save you from an empty and miserable relationship for both people.
Absolutely. Take the hit and move on.
This is true but an inaccurate characterization of this situation and this woman. It's apparent that most commenters here haven't been in a long term relationship for over a decade because news flash. Her situation is way way more common than people think. Every couple I've ever known has gone through it including myself. Difference being that people generally get passed it having at least as much good sex as they have bad. Despite internet users applying unrealistic and inexperienced context to everything, this woman represented herself VERY well by expressing that she sees the value in her marriage and her family and that she's not even considering leaving it. The extremes in her case of 30 years have more to do with playing catchup to an oversexualized culture that isn't her own. If not for that she'd have had the conversation with him a long time ago instead of imagining some hypothetical pleasure that's too difficult to obtain. Imagine as a man having to play out some novel every time you have sex with your wife.
@@ONETimothy2.12-14relationship dynamics change overtime. Can’t expect a spouse to fk you at age 25 the same at age 45.
@@openranks4519 I would agree. Was there some disagreement with my comment?
Classic Chad widow case. Once she got the dopamine ups and downs by the fboys, there is no return. Also shows how much neurotypical women hate neurodivergent men like on autism and ADHD spectrum.
Lying to a dude that you’re not attracted to for 30 years is crazy diabolical! Even after he sensed it she still lied..He missed out on 28 years of being with someone couldn’t get enough of him
I'll be real, I doubt there's someone who couldn't get enough of him, someone may love your brain but your body will repel them
@@theblueadventurer615 dude there is someone for everyone. Being gross and disgusting isn’t an excuse…. There is always someone as gross and disgusting as you out there who would want to jump your bones 24/7…. Just gotta be willing to look for them… and willing to realize which leagues you need to look in.
@@HomeDefender30lies
There is only one good solution to this for both of them. She dumps him but never admits to all this to not completely mentally break him. He flies to south east asia and starts living a hedonistic lifestyle full of fun.
She did want him when they were dating, well of course it changes with work and kids and disappointments and embarrassment...do your own hobby. Stop trying to sink your ship over a small part of marriage. Most couples who have 30 years barely sleep together anyway...if he's making you feel guilty for saying no, tell him to stop asking coz I don't want sex anymore...simple. If he wants to get a mistress after that, let him..but follow rules...like vasectomy so no children, discretion, safety . No money taken from the family dynamic ... within the next 10 years he will taper off anyway and you end up together and all is well...don't risk a divorce over lack of sexual desire after 30 years...grow up
She's not attracted to him, she's embarrassed by him, and she's been lying to him for 30 years. What a lucky guy.
happy to take the money along the way though
Exactly my thoughts. Selfish and money hungry.
:/
This is why we need to stop condemning women for rejecting men or being the ones to most often instigate a breakup.
She has unknowingly done him cruelty as well as being unhappy all this time because of societal expectation. She feels more mean for saying she doesn’t want to be with him or leaving than she does for staying but acknowledging all his flaws
@hbadge22 some people would rather be with someone they don't like rather than be alone. Not about money
As someone with AuDHD, this is my absolute worst nightmare. Being with someone who is just tolerating me for years on end. God. The rest of the world makes us feel just barely tolerated. We deserve to feel celebrated and so completely loved at home. This is a modern day horror story.
I feel so bad for her husband. I can’t imagine how lonely and rejected he must have felt for the last 30 years. Poor man deserves someone who truly desires him.
Imagine how SHE feels going through with sex to someone she’s not into?!
She basically said she doesn’t like him & we don’t know why. There’s more to this than
@oambitiousone7100 If she didn't want to have sex with him she probably shouldn't have married him.
@@oambitiousone7100 why would she have sex with him if she wasn’t physically interested in him? Why did she marry him? This is on her.
@@l-train7876 she was attracted when they were first together. Also, we don’t know her background. Maybe nobody looked twice at her and she figured he was the best option. Maybe they raised kids together and she stuck around to make sure that job was done. You all act like she strung him along to torture him. Rather she tortured herself.
“Maybe I’m afraid of the consequences”…
She said the quiet part out loud. I feel for her Husband. You don’t wait 30 years to be honest with your “best friend”!
yes being on her own and having to pay for her own stuff in life. Poor man, carried her for years and got nothing back
Yeah, now that she has used him up - she is looking to cash out and trade up on his dime.
Y'all are nuts, this isn't an easy situation. This woman has spent years trying to be sexually attracted again to her husband. She's likely emotionally detached and has been for decades. That's hard. Sex with no attachment isn't fulfilling or fun. She's been at it for 30 years. Not her fault that she put her fear and his feelings above the reality of the situation. I feel for the poor woman, honestly.
@@rofrankie947 Yeah, not easy for the man either to realize she used him for 30 years to get what she wanted, she just never wanted him.
@@rofrankie947stop it let’s be honest she used him for security that’s it. She said she was never physically attracted to him. Her morality and religion override her desire and now she’s second guessing it
It isn't about her "not wanting to hurt his feelings" it's about her not wanting to feel bad for hurting his feelings.
@@Austenfan177you think she's not gonna take half of everything when she can?
Perfectly said👍🏾
No, it's about her losing her easy life. It's about her having to go out into the world without his support. She's a lazy gold digger.
@@jayviktor6130bingo
Classic Chad widow case. Once she got the dopamine ups and downs by the fboys, there is no return. Also shows how much neurotypical women hate neurodivergent men like on autism and ADHD spectrum.
Some people are enamored with the “butterflies” phase of a relationship not realizing that it doesn’t last forever. A 30 year marriage will naturally devolve into more of a friendship phase but it’s up to them to keep the spark alive.
Exactly what I was thinking the entire time. I honestly don't think that John's advice was good. He flat out told her that it was all her fault and implied that she should just leave him. This woman has been harbouring these feelings for 30 years. She hasn't just been lying to her husband. She's been lying to herself. Why? Probably because she's been a people pleaser her entire life. What I think she should do is figure out what attracts her. The good thing here is that she didn't cheat on him to experience the butterflies. She's questioning her choices - probably because she's seeing on social media, left and right about chemistry, how couples should be intimate and crazy about eachother years after they've been married. Sometimes, ignorance is a blessing - and in today's world some things people are better off not knowing. I'm not saying that she should ignore her feelings and try to pretend that this issue doesn't exist. I'm just trying to point out that if she had never known about how she should feel then maybe she would have never questioned her attractiveness to her husband. This is just a hypothesis. I believe that in today's word, sometimes people create problems that were really never there. It's like loving vanilla ice-cream until you discover that there is azro flavor but it's not available in your region, so you completely forget about that amazing vanilla flavor and only focus on the azuro that you've heard is good. I'm not saying that this is it in her case.
I think that this - what she is going through is more of an individual issue that she first of all has to deal with. On the other hand, her husband knew about all of this despite her denying it countless times and still chose to stick around. It is not like he was completely ignorant and blindsided. Which in my opinion shows that he also has a lot to deal with himself before he can point the finger and simply say that she strung him along this entire time. People need to take accountability. This is not just her issue, it is his issue as well.
I'm not saying that sex shouldn't be a priority in a a relationship, it is as important as everything else...but the real question this woman has to ask herself is whether she is willing to risk losing everything that she has built with this man for 30 years for a chance to experience something that will probably subside over 6 months. Sexual attraction fades over time. And yes, for some people it may last forever...but that doesn't mean that their life has more meaning in comparison to the rest of the population.
If i were to give this couple advice, I'd tell her to first and foremost find out what turns her on and then share that information with her husband. There are ways that you can make any man/ woman look more physically attractive. If she likes a guy in a suit - get him to wear a suit. Most of the time, it is about a fantasy. People are making money writing cheesy romance novels and women are drooling over it. Involve your partner in it. Tell him what you think is hot. He doesn't have to be all the time James Bond, but maybe here and there he can put in a little effort to act a certain way, dress a certain way, be more assertive. If none of that works, then they should sit down and talk and figure out where to go from there. Why? Because having a good man, a wonderful father and a genuinely good natured person to spend your old days with (when you no longer can enjoy sex but still can laugh and hold hands).
Except in this case, there was never a "butterfly" phase. She thought that it would eventually happen over time but it never did. And here she is, 28 years later in a "successful" marriage.
@@aussie-english-learningwow! What a beautiful wisdom! God blessed you!!!🙏🙏🙏
@@aussie-english-learningholy crap. Out of ALL the hundreds of comments I’ve read for this video, this one was the ultimate. Well done. Impressed.
Sex isn’t everything. Affection and love are more important.
This is why I say "Don't ignore the physical." This is why I would always roll my eyes when people would say to me "The physical isn't the ONLY thing that matters!" Duh. It's not the only thing that matters. But it cannot be ignored.
True. Without physical, it's not a romantic relationship, period.
Exactly, your just friends. I like how she said hes her "best friend". You know what best friends dont do? Lie and gaslight you into destroying yourself.
An honest woman with a brain !
Physical is a massive part of you determining that youre attracted (or not) to someone. Absolutely should not be ignored
@@il-conte , yep with no attraction the person is just a friend!
I’ve listened to calls where John is talking to people about pedophilic relatives, serial cheaters, horrible abusers, and THIS call shocked me almost as much as those. Just can’t imagine giving 30 years of my life to someone and allowing them to be my spouse and finding out that they’ve hardly liked me the whole time. That betrayal would cut me to the bone.
I also couldn’t believe how little reflection the caller had engaged in - it really felt like she had never sat down and thought about her sexuality, her happiness, or her interests.
This is far more common than you think. It's just that people don't want to talk about it. For women, they may like what the man brings to the table. He may be a provider and pay all the bills or even be as far as giving her a life of luxury. She may not like the man, but she may suck it up to have an easier life and lie than struggle. Especially if she is low wage earner and struggles with underemployment. This is a main component of hypergamy. Also for women, a man may constantly pursue her over and over. Just keep pursuing her until she gives in because this is what we teach men to do in that men should chase. She could get to a point where the man loves her, she's not feeling it, then he proposes and she'll feel the pressure to say yes to not disappoint him, especially if it's in public, only to disappoint herself where she felt she couldn't say no. Her family is congratulating her and all kinds of stuff and she just goes along with it. Women can lie a lot about their attractiveness to a man that goes above just faking orgasms.
Also for both men and women, sometimes one will just take whatever is there. It may be their only option and they would prefer that than being alone. For both women and men, sometimes religion can play a factor too where they fake their sexuality and take one for the team or else they are committing sin. And there have been many couples who have faked it all the way to the end of their lives all in the name of righteousness.
@@citrustacovery well said.
She's not a sexual person. Just like I don't like coffee.
I can’t even believe i listen this
yes. it has been pronounced. "i want to do what's right". "i don't want to disappoint him".
maybe it's about how religious her family was. or childhood trauma of consequences of you disappointing someone.
and lots of other fears.
you close up inside yourself and never let anyone in your soul deep enough. you just try to meet the requirements you were once told and expected to and you stick to it.
never feeling freedom to find and even think about the real you. you become everything what surrounds you. anything except the real you amd your desires. which you even can't formulate because not let.
who ever let her say what *she* wants and needs? in her childhood? has anyone of her parents?anything what she needs, not must do and stick to.
John drives me nuts. There is no amount of romance that is going to change her mind. That’s a red herring. Any ‘roadmap’ she comes up with is just going to frustrate that man even more because there is nothing he can do to fix this. She fell in love with the idea of a husband. She didn’t love him. She wants what he gives her, but she will never want him.
John just believes in the sanctity of marriage.
Classic Chad widow case. Once she got the dopamine ups and downs by the fboys, there is no return. Also shows how much neurotypical women hate neurodivergent men like on autism and ADHD spectrum.
@@Fitmom312 Are you sure? He told this woman to tell her husband of 30 years that she’s never been attracted to him, doesn’t really like him, and to give him a ‘roadmap’ for how HE needs to fix it. This is HER problem to fix (since she created the problem) and John told her to dump the entire thing on her husband’s lap. That kind of behavior is not going to save that marriage.
He is bluepilled. Two decades with no sexual desire, no love. Means it's dead relationship. There is nothing alive in that relationship. Dude wasted decades of his life for this dusty
@@tbe0116 They do that a lot on these Ramsey channels, they always put the woman's problem on the man. Regardless of whether the man had any input in her bad decisions or not. There is no fixing this situation, if she was never attracted to him there is no cure for that. No amount of counseling, prayer, spiritual healing or any of that useless crap will magically solve this.
My wife & I are both in our 60's. Of course when we were first dating & got married, sex was a very important part of our relationship. Through the years, sex went from being one of the top priorities to one of the least, mostly because of menopause & ED issues. We both decided to express intimacy through other means. Our romancing still includes touch, kissing, cuddling, etc., spending time with each other. Most folks who are married a long time will have this transition at some point. The key is to recognize changes & adapt to them if you really love that person! Sex is important but it's not the end all.
This. Yes. Maturity, true commitment, and the realization that sex isn't love. If it were... There'd be a whole lot of people who were happy, stable, disease free, and not ending up as single parents. Sex gets confused with Love. I'd take love, kindness, honesty, shared values, and a commited relationship over any fiery sexual experiences any day, for the rest of my life.
It's different having it change over the years vs never having it in the first place. That transition you speak of happened when the couple in this call got married, not 20-30 years later.
Don’t do me no favors, let me know. So I can go else where I’m wanted. No hard feelings.
But you have money and security.... She doesn't want to use those things when you go elsewhere... 😂 That's her entire problem.
@@randybobandy9828absolutely brutal out here.
There is no favour done to him, that's an illusion. She doesn't want the cushy boat her marriage is.
Most men will end up in a dead bed room eventually. They usually turn down the woman who loves them and chase after the one out of his league
@@user-kp3rc4eq8x that’s literally the opposite 💀 men end up in dead bedrooms because women want stability from the man they aren’t attracted to and cheated with the man they are attracted to
I like how everyone is saying don’t marry someone you’re not sexually attracted to!! I’m 30y single and when I tell people a man that has his stuff together, is nice, check all the boxes, but I wasn’t physically attracted to him they always tell me to give them a chance… bruh I will NEVER force a relationship or feelings. Worst advice lol
Society has convinced some women that looks don't matter when they do matter a lot.
Women aren't as picky with looks compared to men though.
@@Gabster1990incorrect. Women are more picky on looks. Only 20% of men are attractive to women.
People that are guided by feel-feels are destined to be alone. 🤷🤷🤷
@Zwird looks aren't everything and sometimes attraction doesn't come from just physical appearance. However, looks can be a turn off as well.
Her response to any question that could provide some clarity:
"I don't know"
even now she can't be honest
It's really difficult to know these answers when your sexual orientation is different than the mainstream. Because everybody tells you that you WILL fall in love with the opposite gender and enjoy sex with them. I don't know if she's gay or asexual, but there's something going on that she doesn't have the words for.
Gaurantee she was promiscuous when she was younger and he was The Back-up Plan
At least she didn't cheat. That's the go to cure for unhappy women.
@@quietestkittenEither that, or the guy has a ton of money. She just wants a comfortable life. It's really hard to know, because she is dishonest.
My son have a hard time keeping a relationship and I think its due to his ADHD. He is a pretty good looking fella. yeah sure I'm bias but the ladies she brought in are pretty good looking themself. He finally found this current girlfriend who also has ADHD. They are both inseparable. It's so refreshing to see them both hit it on and still shows so much affection towards each other. It's been 3 months so far but from my judgement this one is pretty special. Will see
I married a woman with ADHD, drives me insane sometimes but still got lucky. 👌
@ I know what you mean . I’m one of them but man she’s beautiful lol take her meds I’m good lol
The first 15-24 months there is enough segz to make a lot of people look happy lol
This has nothing to do with her husband being objectively physically attractive. This is about how she feels about him and this manifests in her sexual desire for him.
She could have said that but no because she knew it was gonna be game over but still keep at it, lying
@@thelucariamonarchs4889 yes it seems like she resents him
I agree. Once she really got into the nitty gritty of her feelings towards him, it’s clear she has no respect for him, and that will absolutely affect sexuality. John said it best: “You don’t like him.”
It is possible to like a person very much and not FEEL DESIRE. Lack of desire could be caused by hormones, by childhood trauma, etc. etc.
@@texasdazzlers John did "not say it best" - he was fishing for a reaction. She had said before that she liked him and he provoqued her - it is a way of digging into the truth. Her protest was not very strong but she did not agree. Also: she likely is nervous when calling, so harder to connect to the innermost feelings.
It sounds like more than a lack of sexual attraction. From what she says, it sounds like a lack of ANY attraction.
Bet when he leaves her, and other women want him … she will feel instantly attracted to him … oh, and of course, when she has to pay her own bills … she will question whether her feelings were worth the gutting of her marriage.
The husband is probably a nice guy and she secretly wants a bad boy.
She doesn't want to be around him socially. I'm guessing he makes good money.
Indeed, in addition how is john supposed to believe she’s being honest with him. When she’s barely honest with herself.
she always answer with I dont Know
This has got to be one of the most cruel things to do. Why waste 28 years of this man's life. OMG that is EVIL
Well that man wanted woman like that having low self esteem
Why waste 28 yrs of his life? He had the money she wanted access to. She's a gold digger and I'd bet the farm she's been cheating for 28yrs
She also wasted her own time. It's obviously not malicious, the can't communicate! Communication is one of the top issues in relationships. Is she cheating? Having an affair? Your comment is reaching and showing your bias.
@@LevityBrevityyou show bias, she was dishonest in her interest, he was not. Who cares she wasted her life? It's her life, her choice, but she robbed him of a informed choice. She is evil.
He should’ve chosen better
So sad that after 30 years and some kids, she still can’t decide what she wants 🤦♂️ this is terrifying to *all* men out there
this is terrifying to all people. this happens to women. this happened to me. thankfully no kids, but this person pursued me with knowing he wasnt attracted to me. thank god i got the truth out of him, and i could finally move on. this doesnt just happen to men.
I dated a very sweet woman for a few months and she fell really hard - I’m not sure what happened but I lost interest very quickly, but kept going with it (I guess hoping the feelings would come back - they did not), she kept falling harder
Eventually I decided I had to cut it off immediately, and not make it worse for her
Needless to say she was confused and devastated, but a week after, she contacted me and thanked me for ending it when I did, and appreciated me for clearly at least caring about her
Our society puts too much pressure on getting into a relationship and “attraction doesn’t matter!” (Yes it does), and doesn’t encourage truth and honesty
💯 and Jane’s husband was correct when he said you either have it or you don’t. That wasn’t a lashing out or sign of frustration, it was simply reality. If you don’t have that “I’m gonna jump your bones” mentality with someone from the very beginning you will never have a relationship. Merely a friendship, if even that.
Bro you soical like a simp. The majority of women are to be used for or sexual pleasure. It's not that complicated we smash thots to bust the dump them. If you find a decent woman with great qualities then make her your girlfriend. The women who think looks matter are obviously dumb are they ready to be replaced in several years. When a newer better model is out.
Wtf do you mean "fell hard?" Like falling off or falling in love?
@@randybobandy9828 she fell hard *in love*, she started loving me more everyday while I realized “dang.. :/ I guess my feelings aren’t coming back”
@@slowrunn3r88why do you think that happened? I am in a situation where I feel my fiancé isn’t sexually attracted to me, but he loves me for my other qualities such as same values, same interests, I bring him peace, etc. I am way more sexually attracted to him, and it makes me feel insecure. He says he’s never been “all over” any one of his previous girlfriends, so he says it’s not just me. Your thoughts?
This is such a fascinating show. So much of my life I thought that people only got married if they loved the person, the relationship was healthy, and at minimum they found them attractive. The reality of getting married just to check the box is shocking to me.
I truly think that many marriage have been built on a farce because of societal norms. I mean, we’re basically just now figuring out that asexuality is real. And women have only had the right to their own bank account for slightly over a generation and the norms are just now catching up. Marriage has been “checking a box” for people for a very very long time
Its actually insane to me how many people irl ive met and they told me being attracted to the person isnt necessary for successful relationships. Im glad to hear you say this.
Me too. It's amazing to hear women say that they never really loved him.
Arranged marriages....
Most people throughout human history didn't get married for "love." It was just something you did because it was expected of you to be a proper "man" or "woman" in society.
I am a 29 year old man, not married. This lady's entire behavior and immaturity is my absolute greatest fear when it comes to love and relationships.
Make sure to be attractive to your partner and satisfy them and this won't happen
fake news has become a motto to live by in this twisted modern world.
@@Zwirdor tell your sisters to stop taking resources from dudes and lying.
She said he knows she isn't attracted to him. She lies to him. I think you would know if someone isn't attracted to you. A lot of these phone calls are similar. People know the truth, they just feel better being lied to.
All of life is speculative. You can stay in the basement or take the calculated risk.
I hope she’s prepared for him being devastated, and possibly leaving her because how can you feel attraction for someone when you find out they’ve been lying to you for 30-years, and not only never desired you, but felt embarrassed to be in public with you. He may get over it (and it could take some time), but he may not. His whole world will be turned upside down, and he may never trust her again.
Women were told they didn't have to be attracted to their husbands, but its just not true. We all want an attractive man, it is what it is.
I've been told this a lot.
@GameOnShanny Yup and now it's backfiring because women see the light.
@@Melissa.712Ask your mom
@@Melissa.712I’ve been told this plenty of times
This is true. Your husband doesn't have to be a 10 but there has to be some level of physical attraction. This woman is a prime example of what not to do !!!
I'm single and there's pressure on me to basically settle for a guy I'm not attracted to if he has a lot of other good qualities. But I refuse to do this to myself and a man. I would rather wait and be single until I meet a guy I'm very attracted to. But yeah there is a TON of people telling me to find a good man and don't worry about looks/sexual attraction.
This!! I'll keep waiting too. Guys with both good character and good looks are out there. There's so many people trying to call women foolish for wanting attraction too. But lack of attraction leads to disaster for everybody involved.
I agree but at some point if your lucky both of you will be in your 60s and most people are not attracted to elderly people. It's a fine line to navigate
The problem seems to be that women judge physical attractiveness in men much more harshly than vice versa. That is, women find most men unattractive. If only say 20% of men pass the looks test, how will women en masse find long term relationships? They won’t
One hundred percent!!
Exactly, we’re shamed for wanting a good man who is also attractive and pressured to get married young. Those men typically aren’t in a hurry to settle down so if you wait to find the full package it’s usually not going to happen by any deadline. This is the result of pressuring only women to rush to marriage. Yes, they will marry the one who is available for marriage even if he’s not a good fit.
And he seemingly benefits from this arrangement by getting a woman who is out of his league, but then he’s surprised she’s not as into him as he’s into her. You can’t have it both ways!
I feel bad for the husband. I definitely don’t want to use colorful language to express myself, but she waited 30years to tell him. She is really selfish, that she stole his life from him; in terms of him finding someone who would love him for him, and who sexually attracted to him. Damn yo, these are one of the things that makes people snap. Like omg, that’s trifling. Period.
Very true...what a waste
Idk why people love being victims. All humans have the power of intuition, discernment and free will (not counting cultural/religious duty/madness, cults and imprisonment). I'm sorry i don't feel bad for people who refuse to take control of their lives due to fear of being alone or simple cowardice. Unless shes the greatest actress he knew there was/is estrangement (which she said). And no I'm not absolving her for her lack of honesty. The way i view life is its up to me as an individual to recognize bs and remove myself from it then to wait around for someone to do "right by me". Only for it to be 30years later and a mf still cant do right by you 🙄 no thanks id rather be alone. Truth is most would rather live a lie then accept the simple truth in front of them. No sympathy!!! Man the f up and direct your life accordingly but nope people submit to cultural and societal pressures. That's on you!! Welp that's the result, Congratulations!!!
Right! I know he’s felt the rejection from her and she didn’t have the courage to leave 30 years ago? This makes me so sad for that man. This is heartbreaking for him and trifling of her
@@hell2thennnaw100% agree with you. Also, I’m tired of people acting like many males don’t prefer to live of “deliberate ignorant bliss” when it comes to certain things in their marriage.
For many males, as long as they are getting their needs met (even if not as frequent) then they are okay with the rlsp being the way it is.
If she had told him when it started , she’d be accused of being shallow and not committed. She can’t win with anyone here.
Girl I felt this and felt it before marriage at age 21 and then thankfully divorced by 23.5 years old, he was 6 years older than me and I always tried to "feel" it. Should have gone with my gut feeling when we first met but gave him a "chance" he was a nice responsible guy. Then days before the wedding also totally wasn't feeling it but everyone was like "he loves you so much" and then lack of sex life eventually ended two years later. Never "give someone a chance" if you are kinda not feeling it for literally no logical reason but also chemistry is a real thing not to ignore. I cannot imagine this for 30 years. Not fair to hiim either.
“He’s my best friend but I’ve lied to him, don’t want to be out with him around people and have denied him basic attraction from his wife for 30 years.”
What a wife, and what a friend.
😂 if this is how she treats her BEST friend I don't even want to imagine what happens to her enemies! ☠☠
He probably gained weight or has a small one. She can't help her lack of attraction.
Don't gain weight or have a small one. She can't help that she doesn't find him appealing anymore.
She can't help that she doesn't find him appealing anymore.
@@Zwirdshe never did. She should regret saying "I do" and taking a huge part of marriage for both of them.
I can not believe that her husband doesn't know this. You can feel when somebody is not attracted to you. Very strange situation.
or shows why he doesn't do it for her if he can't pick up on things.
To be fair, he kept asking her and she kept lying to him. It sounds like he does feel it but also doesn't want to believe his wife would lie to his face for 30 years.
@@brendanconlon8292 you don't even need to ask if you know what it means when a person is sexually attracted to you
She's faithfully doing her duty. He should be grateful that she didn't divorce him and take half of everything.
@@natashadickson4819Yea but she is also no doubt delusional. She is older now so her sexual market value has no doubt declined, whereas his probably has not. That's the way it works. Aging means different things to men and women in terms of sexual market value. I bet she's no sex object at this point, after 30 years. Go ahead woman, insult him by telling him she has found him sexually repulsive for 30 years. He'll dump her. She'll collect cats and be embittered for the rest of her life.
I’m that guy after 27 years of wondering. I finally divorced her and have had the best 10 years of my life.
Happy for you brother, and glad you made it out alive! 👊🍻
if this were me, i would sleep around
Peace be with you bro 🙌✌️
@@gforce97and get diseases?
No you’re not
You can never negotiate desire, if she is not feeling you at the beginning she will never feel that way
“Your sexual dysfunction.” I wish this had been discussed more. I think this is less about the husband and more about her.
Asexual for sure
Duh!!
@@Gloriagal78a sexual for sure? Says who? This woman said she’s Not sexually attracted to her husband, she NEVER said she wasn’t sexually attracted to other men
Maybe
@Gloriagal78 nah she just doesn't want to tale accountability for lying to her husband to preserve her cushy life
I suspect this goes on a lot because when I look at some couples I really dont see any type of enthusiasm or excitement between them. You can just tell that there's no fire or flame between them. Not to mention how so many people let themselves go and don't seem to care about their physical self at all.
Lack of sexual attraction kills most marriages. Especially for men. If the husband is no longer attracted to his wife, there will be no affection, etc. Friend zone.
So true. It isn't about lack of attraction...it is about repressed /unacknowledged trauma (often sexual). It shuts women down. They don't want intimacy. They will use their body initially to attract and secure the "provider". This is often what they were "taught" by the abuser. The woman perpetuates it in her marriage and lives a lie....blaming the man. Men do this as well. I am just speaking from a female perspective.
I am speechless. She needs psychological help. Romance is not the source of the problem. This goes way deeper. The fact that she let this fester for thirty odd years, despite him trying to address and resolve the issue, is wild. Either it's truly not safe for her to express herself, or she feels trapped due to family, religious, or societal pressure.
She doesn't like him or even love him. She likes the marriage and not being a wife. She likes the lifestyle and not the provider
@@Bhulk79 How did you get “lifestyle” from this? And how did you decide who is the “provider”?
@@greenAbbot lifestyle means the "idea of being married" if you're not sexually attracted to husband you no longer see them as your husband and you're just stringing them along to fulfill your "perfect marriage" fantasy.
The real victim here is the husband. He's had a pretend wife for 30 years. If you don't see her behavior as psychopathic your insensitive and bias.
@@greenAbbotBelieve me no woman would support a husband that she is not sexually attracted to. This is a very dumb question.
I have adhd and can relate to turning off women. They find some qualities exiting and other's repellent. And I've been manipulated and cheated on while also being told I'm magical and one in a million. It's not easy with the adhd. Gotta keep the dopamine levels even and the mind focused on good producive fun things. A very narrow path. When on the narrow path and dialed in then good thing's and wonderful romance come. Out of the narrow path comes chaos, regression and regret.
as a young man looking for marriage, this terrifies me. ive been dumped a few times (im adhd as well) but i would rather have that short pain than live and build a life with someone for 30 years and find out the woman i love and gave all my heart to and married never really loved me and isn't attracted to me at all. that would ruin me as a person, and i would absolutely blame myself. Im so sorry for the husband. i have no respect for this lady.
and she says to be friends with him..... who has friends like that does not need enemies
30 years ago people were hardly aware about how neurodivergence influences some people when it comes to xxx.
Look, you don't get the full truth from a 20 min phone call. If it helps you in any way here is some advice for your future marriage:
- look after yourself (I mean hygiene - very important for woman!)
- be a MAN, that doesn't need a woman (for washing, cleaning, cooking...)
- no Video games (So off putting for most woman)
- Don't ever let your parents/mother get involved in your marriage
- be funny, make your partner/wife laugh
- Show her that you want her (i mean in a manly way, could be strong and rough)
Best of luck! 🍀
Don't mother your husband! Don't protect his feelings unless he wants to, then don't take him(!) because that means he's like a son to you. What woman is sexually attracted to her son? Pick a man who you can tell hard truths to, who will protect you, who you can show your feelings to and who you can lean on. Search for such a woman and don't look for mothering!
You are young listen to other MEN not women .
Don't seek marriage at all , it's literally a female centred nonsense. Save yourself
This call reminds me of the wisdom an older person gave to me. I expressed to them that I couldn't believe someone I knew as being a somewhat quiet, shy, and very sweet person was in such a mess of a relationship. And they responded "many people that don't speak their minds, get away with their own bullsh*t. They can think and hide the worst thoughts and feelings about others without anyone ever calling them out on how horrible it is". That has stuck with me since. It even helped me because if I had a mean or nasty thought about something I would think, "what if I HAD to speak this thought right now?" and I was shocked at the shame I felt. I started auditing my thoughts this way and has made me a much better person, genuinely.
Omg you just blew my mind with this comment thank you.
I've been coming to this conclusion in my own life. I've realized how much power my mind has and that my thoughts are actually controllable.
Anything I can't say out loud on a rooftop. I don't do or think and if I do I look for the nearest rooftop.
This is what the fear of God instilled in people for millennia. Even if you aren't religious, it seems hard to deny that if you believe an all knowing judge is watching every lie you tell, every cruel thought you don't say, it makes you no longer able to "get away" with little immoral actions and thoughts that over time build up and make you a worse person.
Huh? This makes no sense I don’t understand
Couples therapist here, great clip and HEARTILY agree that not hearing that from a therapist previously is brutal.
I love the way doctor John can articulate how to have hard conversations, and hus examples, he really does give the callers, and us, the viewers, specialised conversation road maps to follow when having to talk about the hard stuff. Thanks Doc ❤❤❤ from Australia 🇦🇺
The caller is one of those women who didn’t want to miss the train to the middle class. As a result, she decided to settle for a man who she doesn’t want to be with because it allowed her to live the life she wanted. A shame because 30 years of wasted time makes no sense but I think it happens more often than we think
Women do this for less than a middle class life too. If they're socialized that they're supposed to get married, and they're told to focus on a man's goodness and ignore attraction because only immoral women care about sex, then this is what it can lead to. This is more common than people think.
@@digthewarmth ok, I’ll give you that. Either way, zero logic to spend 30 years with someone who doesn’t make you happy in all ways
Exactly what I was thinking!
Or sometimes it’s just that people change and fall out of love. Then they’re in it with two kids and a house and realize they’re just repeating the motions.
Even harder, sometimes you just don’t know. I’ve heard the saying “You’ll both fall in and out of love with each other over the years. All you can hope is that you don’t both do it at the same time.”
That’s normal I think but…where’s the line and who makes it? And of course things are going to annoy you sometimes it would be impossible to spend that much time with someone and that not happen.
Life and marriage is messy and complicated. It’s not the fairytale most people go into it thinking it’s going to be.
@@supernova11711 She loves him it is DESIRE that is lacking.
I’ve never heard someone so unsure of what they want/don’t want. The entire conversation was “idk/I guess/maybe” and often sounded put out by even being asked to specify.
How the hell do you intend to fix anything?
Perhaps she just doesn't know herself very well
It seems maybe she has some childhood trauma, or something that has her in a relatively asexual state.
@@lilolmecjyes, trauma for sure!! But also cowardly as a result of the trauma. She doesn’t even really know what she likes/wants DUE to the trauma (I blame her mother. She did poor job of teaching her daughter not to let a man you don’t like to get access to her like that.) To be honest BOTH of them are cowardly. He knows she doesn’t want him but he stayed.. I just wonder how she mustered the courage to allow him to get on top of her FOR 30 YEARS!!!! Even if it’s once year I COULD NEVER!! Then again I’m not a coward………👀
She’s a people pleaser. She’s put his feelings above her own.
This is actually a very common issue
Many women aren't sexually attracted to their spouses now or when they met. But got with him anyway because he was a good man and hoped the attraction would kick in.
I almost married a man not sexually attracted to 2xIm glad I didn't and waited.
The problem is many good men are physically undesirable unattractive. Being a good man isn't synonamous with being a physically desirable man. The two aren't mutually inclusive.
We need to have the discussion of how to make good men physically more attractive.
Theres this myth that women aren't as visual or mens looks dont matter. Thats not true. Women are simply TOLERATING UNATTRACTIVE MEN.
You can hear it in John's voice. This woman got under his skin. How he talks with people like this without losing it is a testament to his patience
Because as he said, he is ADHD
@@dyoung3648how does that have to do with getting upset at a woman who wasted 30 years of a man’s life?
@@heatherchandler1184you can Google information like that ❤
Men separates sex and live but women don’t.
@@heatherchandler1184 Because she brought up her husband had ADHD and it was embarrassing to her.
Thank you so much for sharing this, and having this guts to be honest and genuine.
I root for you woman, hope you did figure this out ❤️
That sounds like she just doesn’t have any sexual attraction at all. Like she just doesn’t feel it. She said she tried everything and she’s scared to have NEVER felt it. That’s a deeper problem.
She's asexual, but aromantic.
Not necessarily a problem. Some people just ain't got it. Only a problem if you lie about it or refuse to accept it.
@@SimplyCreativeNow It’s a deeper problem for their relationship and her. Not a problem as in “bad”. She is probably asexual and beating herself up for it and making herself do things she doesn’t want to do. That can be traumatic.
@@Mirro6112 facts
She will be extremely sexual once she matches with 6,4ft Chad instantly :) just like all women
I spent 20 years with someone who never liked me/loved me and it nearly killed me. I blamed myself. I got too thin, I did everything he wanted. It was never enough. However, there was abuse that build over time. I have no idea what is going with this cold detached selfish woman
Yes. I have too ... I've been in bad relationships. I agree with you .. the toughest part is the lost time .we can't get those back
When I lost respect for my significant other, I lost complete and total attraction to him.
That part
Have you told the partner this? They deserve to know
For me, being physically attracted to someone isn't about their physical appearance. It's about their heart and soul, how they treat me and make me feel.
@@mightymouse1005and you wouldn’t be shallow if you did care about appearance.
You were cheating… I know y’all’s code . You ain’t fooling anything
19:00 beautifully said about the “roadmap to love me” and “I’m still figuring out what it is”
One of the difficulties with women is that their sexual attraction is completely separate from their platonic attraction. Sounds like she married someone she has a lot of camaraderie with but that doesn’t contribute to sexual attraction with women. Most important thing to have from a woman, romantically is her respect and admiration for you as a man. Friendship should be the cherry on top.
She said she was attracted to him in the beginning. Women tend to lose sexual interest in their partner over time.
@PLD.608 no we don't. Not unless it was never there, or he stops taking care of himself...or he changes in a negative way.
Wrong. The best thing you'd want to have from a woman romantically is sexual attraction. We can respect and admire you and still only see you as a friend.
@@jayak8217so women should shutdown sexual desires why you don't offer that to men also?
@@RepentImmediatelythat's not true. She lost attraction to him because he became her child.
She is not sexually attracted because she doesn't like who her husband is as a person. She has been continually annoyed and displeased with him for 30 years. Yet she has never had the courage to be honest with herself and with him.
Basically
Perfectley stated.
She says they’re “in sync”. She likes him overall but doesn’t like aspects of him, especially the ADHD aspects. I had a super good friend once. We really liked each other, loved each other. He was brilliant and funny but also had his quirks. We later became lovers and I quickly realized I had zero attraction to him as a lover. I really didn’t want to hurt him. So I see how it happens. But I ended the lover relationship pretty quickly.
@@minoozolala except you don't see how it happens, as you didn't marry mr quirks.
@@name9601 You missed my point. I was brave enough to be honest and risk hurting him. I can see how someone else might not be.
The “I don’t want to hurt him” is absolute bs.
She likes the security he provides.
exactly she is a parasite
What she means is I don't want to hurt him because I don't want to deal with the consequences of my husband who wants to be desired finding out I'll never desire him.
@@johnjone965I agree. If the caller is not attracted to her husband, she needs to admit it and accept reality.
We have a winner here, Johnny. Ofcourse it's all about safety. This woman doesn't want to lose her meal ticket. She hates him but she never had the better tree branch to hold herself to. If she had found the better higher branch she would have dropped her husband 20 years ago.
I hate how when men don't find a women attractive, it's taken at face value and the man just gets to move on with his life. When women don't find a man attractive it's analysed like a problem to be solved and the women is vilified. This is why I don't give anyone I don't feel intense sexual attraction for a "chance". I just keep it moving and save everyone time and heartache
My wife feels like this about me and we've been together almost 20 years, and I knew it very early on. I stopped bringing it up years ago, I'm just waiting for the kids to grow and move out and then I'll take my leave.
... if you still will be able to. So many years with no practice may bring you some unpleasant surprises.
Attraction matters to women and people need to stop saying we’re not visual.
Your really not look at f2f relationships bunch of whales or unattractive females the type dudes wouldn’t give the time of day but with girls they have a chance.
Y'all are the ones always saying that BS not us 😂 everytime I tell a girl that looks matter they always say they hardly matter and just be nice and have a good personality 😂 meanwhile when i was less attractive I got treated like dogshit and now that I'm better looking I get treated 20 times better by women now 😂 its women that perpetuate that because you want to act like angels that aren't shallow. But no men denies that looks are very important to them.
Why do y’all keep assuming its purely physical attraction thats the issue when she explicitly states that his adhd and his social incompetence is the reason she feels she doesnt like him. It’s not that she isn’t physically attracted to him, she doesn’t respect him.
@@reggiestockton8166 We don’t say that for the most part.Ugly men tell women we shouldn’t worry about looks so we can deal with them.
@@IAMHERE486 I literally had a conversation with some ladies at work 2 hours ago and that's what they said to me 🤣 stop lying. Ugly men that can't get women are invisible. Nobody cares what they say or think they hold no influence in the dating scene whatsoever. Their complaints fall on deaf ears 🤣 I've only ever heard women say that being nice and having a good personality and being emotionally vulnerable and all that bullshit is attractive and what women truly want 🤣 stop lying
This woman doesn't even really like her husband. That poor man, she stole his whole life.
..sucks…yeah, he should have left years ago…my only regret with my own divorce, was not doing it sooner, nothing can make up for lost time…and u will never talk someone into being sexually attracted to u…
I mean, so many times people say looks and attraction is superficial. That it's not important. It's very common in arranged marriages.
I don't know about that. If she didn't lie, I'd say she's also confused about what this roadmap to her own happiness is. Maybe she came from a home that bottles that stuff up. In another words, she doesn't even know because she was never taught to ponder it. She just accepted that she's a wife and she needs to do A B and C, but these A B and Cs aren't fulfilling for her. And I think her hubby is also, as she said, a little ADHD-ish, maybe a little dense when it comes to reading her feelings correctly. Men aren't built to decipher women's wants and needs automatically. I'm sure when she lacks desire for him, there are signs that he's missed, which in turn builds that resentment even more. But I'm also perplexed as to why her counseling didn't work. A lot of that is geared towards discovering yourself, who you are, your past, what you desires are, etc. So, some things don't add up if she said she tried everything and they didn't work. The only thing left is she's wired as a asexual who just doesn't like intimacy. The longer we hear the call the more question marks for all, that's for sure.
And the thing is, he may say that he's out. He may say that he's wasted 30 years of his life and he doesn't want to anymore. What I thought was really unfair of John to do is sit there and say that she needs to give him a road map to her heart. What's he going to think of that? Oh boy, you've lied to me for 3 decades. Every romantic thing I thought we had has been fraudulent. And now I have to follow a road map to your heart?! WTF! This chick stole 3 decades of his life when he was at his prime that he can't get back. He may not want to waste another second of it.
@DudeTastic13 I've seen myself itbhas nothing to do with the man. Thr ma. Can do everything to gmhelp women like this but no amount of help will change a narcissist who doesn't want to change women like this don't realize or care how their actions negatively effect others so wen u have a woman like this is time to run ur sanity will depend on it.
She definitely lied to Dr. John, when he asked her, “ are you find yourself attractive to other people ?
I can tell you are not a woman. We are not wired the same as men.
Most likely
The way she stammers around over basic questions makes her sound dishonest. She also acts phony. She's hiding something.
On one hand, she says she feels like she is missing out on sexual experiences. On the other hand, she says she has no sexual attraction to her husband. So... who are you fantasizing about? She's definitely thinking about other men.
@@1dingerrfacts it’s so obvious she’s a really bad liar
My wife and I love each other very much, and we feel extremely lucky to have found each other. This story is terrifying.
To be brutally honest, it's selfish to consider finally being honest after 28 years. Take it to the grave at this point. SMH
Yeah right, she can't miss this chance to create an insane amount of drama.
But the guy feels this. No way he is blind to her behavior. It could be good him to finally talk about it.
I disagree. He should know the truth. The truth shall set him free.
Then she gets to run off and get dog pounded by the whole neighborhood while poor guy tries to put his life back together.
Yeah. Better not to tell now.
My husband did that too me recently and we are trying to communicate better, but I have to say that it isn't fair to either of you to hold back on stuff like this to avoid "hurting their feelings." Trust me when I say it hurts way worse to leave behind a career move to a new location for the sake of the other's career, have a child together, and be totally isolated and dealing with past trauma and then find this stuff out. He didn't realize how he felt until looking back on the last six years and avoiding his own feelings. It hurts more when you put all of that time and effort into a life together and then find out that the person doesn't want you.
I’m on this same trip. My best to you!
There is no way there weren't signs or your intuition screaming
@@Aristaiflyyou're right. I wonder if there were any red flags that were missed.
@@otrebla8944 even if there was, the red flags are easily missed when going through motions of life, and not practicing self-awareness on top of living with "it will get better when ____" like I did when I was married.
@@brennanleyenso your husband said he didn't love you?
I’m not a super sexual person. I have tried all the therapy, drugs, hormones, romance. It helps. I love my husband and I want what he wants-sometimes my body just doesn’t cooperate. He’s amazing. He loves me. I am attracted. The things is, after 22 years, we still communicate about this monthly if not weekly. Even just acknowledging his needs is important and I do anything to address his needs, even if it’s other sexual things outside intercourse. We also have a standing rule, if I feel the least bit frisky, to call and he will be there ASAP. We manage to have a great sexual relationship, even if intercourse is only a few times monthly. Communication, mutual respect, empathy, and sometimes sacrifice are the key to working through hard times.
Check out “the happy wife school”.
A few times monthly after 22 years is not bad at all.
Hey I think you guys are doing great. If I'm in your husbands situation after 22 years, I will be very happy
@@fabriciofla8019 whaaaaaat ??
If you're not attracted to him, you can easily be drawn away by someone more attractive If you're not attracted to him, you can easily be drawn away by someone more attractive, we all have that capability
If you're not attracted to him, you're likely attracted to someone else, so why did you marry this one?
You could have easily said no if you weren't attracted
Attraction leads to sexual activity, an obvious sign of attraction
If you're not attracted to someone early on, DON'T EVEN pursue a romantic relationship
basically she’s weak and called to say she’s unhappy with her marriage and her husband and has been for 30 years but wants to hear someone tell her she’s right to want to leave him… also if you listen to the callers and believe them at their word, all other therapists are terrible and give horrible advice.
That was the best counceling you ever did on air, i feel. Big respect.
She has suppressed her real feelings from him for so long that she can't articulate what she needs.
She needs to be grateful for him paying for her life and for giving her kids.
@@JDAfricahow do you know she's not the higher wage earner? Also "giving her kids" is an absolutely ridiculous statement. If there is anyone giving someone kids, it would be her sacrificing her own body to create those children.
@@staceyk2274 statistically, no ur incorrect. YMMV
@@staceyk2274So women can father their own children without a man? Gotcha. I love when people who buy into the B's that feminism sells don't understand how biology works.
😂 they only thing she needs to articulate is how to tell the truth...
Congrats to this lady for robbing off this man from his prime years. Lying to him constantly. I wish people like her would be able to sued for emotional, psychological damage, soul and mind raping. We are not talking about a couple of years. It is nearly 30 years. The entitlement some people have over others lives is absolutely mind-blowing.
The dramatics haha. As a man maybe society should stop trying to convince women to marry men they aren't attracted to, looks matter at the end of the day.
He could have done more to make their bedroom life better, unless he doesn't have much 😂
He should have left though. If someone didn't have sex with me a month or more I am done!
@@Zwirdshe said that she was attracted to him in the beginning.
women - it's their DNA. that inbuilt homing device seeking protection, comfort, stability.
That poor man. The only nice thing she had to say about him was he was a good dad.
She saw stability in a man she doesn't love and used him for 30 years, robbing him of chance at being loved.
Society confuses women- looks aren’t important, focus on the character. When in reality it needs to be both looks & character to make a marriage work. She probably bought into the message that physical attraction isn’t important for a good marriage. And now having tried everything she’s realizing it will always be like this. It’s a trap for both of them.
Physical attractiveness changes as you age. If a man marries a beautiful women, let’s face it, that certainly changes with age - but he is married to her and devoted his life to her. He can’t just go “meh you didn’t age well…. Onto the next”, and neither should she.
Im tired of people saying that it's always "society's" fault if women have shortcomings, could you imagine if we used that card as men verytime we fucked up? People would laugh at us, instead we just own our mistakes, try to fix them and carry on but nooooo, with women is always someone else's fault smh
A lot of women’s attraction to a man isn’t based as much on looks as men’s. I think that may be why people say that because a hot guy who doesn’t treat you well or who you can’t respect will become a turn off so I just think people are saying pay attention to his character so you can be attracted. Women just aren’t looks-mainly attracted as bang men are.
@@Dansyoung a man started a relationship with a woman he found attractive at the beginning of their relationship is a foundation among other things he built his marriage upon. he can later remember the spark he had for her. He can glean from that from the past but in this woman’s case she never felt attracted to her husband. Probably kept hoping that one day will feel attracted to him but it never happened.
@@elyse443 seems to me she not only isn’t attracted to him physically she also doesn’t like his personality at least in part. As she said he embarrasses her in public with his words and over sharing.
30 years !!!??! She is easily the worst wife any man could ever have.
She got security, safety, resources and provision. Thats what she got out of it. Women do this all the time.
Which proves hypergamy @@aislcsales
I'm sure there are worse .
@@aislcsales Yup. She knows exactly what she's doing. Only now she's getting old and the money alone isn't satisfying her down there. She was looking for permission from John to say go bang other men.
@@aislcsalesyeah, and he got free sx and a houseslave. Also she works a job so he aint providing much. Win win 😂
my parents both shows major signs of adhd all that she stated time blindness, over talking, talking over other people, verbal diarrhea lolol but they are the coolest people ever and perfect for each other true soulmates. They shine together 🌟 love them
Yes but both those people have ADHD, that’s very different.
I got out of a long-term relationship for this. It makes you feel like a bad person not to be attracted to your partner when you love them.
Imagine being told your wife pretended to be into you the entire time and then being told "now you need to do this to fix it" as if it's on him in any way😂😂
That's what's crazy about this to me. After 30 years, she needs to continue faking it and stop the gatekeeping. She made her bed. She needs to lie in it. This is 1000% on her. Quite frankly, I don't care how she feels. She had her chance 30 years ago! She needs to do what he wants sexually at this point. If I were him after this conversation, I would immediately divorce. I would probably never be able to trust women again. He was lied to for 30 YEARS unbeknownst to him. I would spend my days hooking up and having flings that were sexually satisfying but never committing. The person he thought she was didn't exist and never did exist.
Id love to be desired and for me to desire my parrner too. Like i want it to be a mutual relationship cmon yall wtf. 😢that could only happen if both are compatible in alot of areas of their personalities i feel. Like its possible. I had that until my ex lied alot. Literally made me lose interest and sexual desire 100%
@bignickenergy723 exactly !!! I hate how this video makes me feel. Because its literally what i lived 4 yrs ago. Since last month that i left him. Gosh once ur lied to . Its like who tf is this person???!!! It makes me feel like throwing up.
@@bignickenergy723that last thing this guys said. "WHAT ELSE ARE U LYING ABOUT" omg kills me. Cuz thats exactly what i felt like. Omg
lol!!!!!😂😂😂 it’s horrible
My husband who passed away had ADHD and YES he was the greatest lover !!! What makes me sad about this lady is that she blames him for her lack of desire. Desire is so connected to other realities … how respected do I feel , how understood for who I am , how receive with my imperfections do I feel ? How comfortable was she to share who she was and be vulnerable?
She’s not blaming him for her lack of desire. Did you not listen to the long list of things she’s done herself to solve her problem? Yes, she talked about his ADHD traits too, but she is definitely not blaming him for her lack of desire for him.
@@minoozolalaShe literally never said once “it’s 100% my fault” this is 0% the husband, he is literally the sole victim here lol
Attraction is not a choice.
A woman is never attracted to a man-child. She said his manners/behavior in public are so bad she refuses to socialize with him when other people will be there. When I woman has to tell a grown man not to tell inapproprate jokes, not to interrupt others, stop arriving late etc. she become the mommy to a grown baby. This is why she isn't attracted to him. She sees him as a child and she the mother.
She lacks libido, and he should get another woman that's it . Idk why men act like good saints and stick with expired ones .
I would much rather someone hurt my feelings than string me along for 30 years!!!!! I don’t want to feel disliked by my spouse I’d rather him say I don’t like you any more. I grew up in a house where my parents resented each other and it really negatively effected both of them and me.
As a fellow Minnesotan, this is very common. Culturally,many of us are not honest about difficult emotions with our partners. I was in a similar marriage and know many men and women from Minnesota who do not share their true feelings.
so it's not just your governor Tim that is a chronic liar?
Attraction is a non-negotiable for me. Single, but I thankfully came to learn that it’s not a shallow thing to want that, contrary to what so many people in my formative years seemed to convey. It’s wise and honest.
It is why I hate the advice gurus & some therapists give of "look don't matter or attraction fades" as a way to say marry the best you can..... which is some BUllsh*t. Physical attraction I00 percent matters. It is a massive part of a healthy and good relationship.
Yes to a certain extent I agree with you. Attraction is a non negotiable for me too. But I think the problem is that women are only attracted to the best looking men despite being average themselves. The average woman is not attracted to the average man. Men generally find 40-60% of women attractive, while women only find like 20% of men attractive. If women understood that they are a reflection of their male counterparts then they would be more reasonable. But even a woman like Lizzo thinks she's a 10/10 and not humble about it 🤣 as a man attraction is non negotiable for me, but its easy to qualify. You just need a pretty face. You can be short, tall, skinny, athletic, a little chunky, poor or rich I don't care. Just be decently pretty and not obese and the personality would handle the rest. But now you have below average women saying their man must be minimum 6ft tall, handsome, in good shape with a good job. Either that or be a complete loser with no job or hygiene that beats up women 🤣 losers do surprisingly well. Its the average men that are struggling because they are seen as boring or second options to be settled for 🤣 If you guys don't have a problem sharing 20% of the best looking men then keep doing what you're doing (which I think deep down women prefer). But if you want a meaningful long lasting relationship and you're average looking then you need to be a little humble and find a good looking guy that treats you right, not the best looking man you could possibly find thats way out of your league 🤣 and no being reasonable is not settling. I do agree with what you're saying about attraction being mandatory
@@reggiestockton8166 yep
Why are you putting so many laughing emojis
@reggiestockton8166
I don’t think it’s that women only like the best looking men, I think it’s just that men are inheritly and statistically uglier. It’s easier to walk around in public and see beautiful women, but seeing a beautiful/handsome man is very rare. Women take better care of their appearance. Mainly because society pressures them to do so. But men will be looking ugly and busted with eye boogers in their eyes and fat and short and think women should be attracted to that. Men just need to start taking better care of their appearance. And society should not telling men that they can look like a monkey/gorilla and it’s fine. No, it’s not fine, men should upkeep their appearance just as much as women do. Self care, skin care, hair care and vitamins, better attention to fashion, and so on
She’s straight up just lying to Dr John here. When he asked if she’s attracted to other men, she purposely avoided the question. It’s not that she didn’t understand, she chose to not understand so she could skate being held accountable for not being attracted to her husband.
EXACTLY! Ive heard of women not finding their husbands "attractive," but NEVER heard of a woman not knowing *why* . Shes trying to preserve her reputation.
No doubt she married her husband for his wallet. This is what happens.
In my opinion she just wants attention and create confusion. She is not serious or genuine, but she is playing a game with Dr Delony. I will suggest that this video is removed from the Podcast because Dr Delony deserves better:)
@@Jaco3688 She couldn't lock down the hot guy to provide for her 28 years ago, so she settled for a guy from her Friend Zone rather than risk being alone.
@@alberttang6955 🤔 A well-worn storyline
As a counselor, I come across this ALL the time and it is usually the female who is struggling with desire. It’s not always sex specific, but since the introduction of viagra the sexpectation has become lopsided. I remember doing social work at the ICU where a woman asked if her husband could stay in the hospital for a few more days because she was enjoying her autonomy and celibacy. They were older and she was post menopausal, but there was apparently nothing wrong with his libido.
interesting. I never thought of it from that stand point. The societal impact of viagra must have both good and bad. It is always nice hearing from a different perspective.
This sounds awful for men -- basically they're just there as a platform for resources while being denied any form of grace when it comes to being loved.
@@Billy-bc8pk She was a retired property manager and I am pretty sure she made more money than he did. This is also something I see in my hospice practice. When an older man’s wife dies, they often return to trying to find a new companion fairly quickly, old women are usually not nearly as interested in doing so. I once heard an old woman say she had no desire to date, because old men are just looking for a nurse or a purse. These men then try to find someone younger with the prospect of getting laid. Unfortunately, not only do they get used for their resources, but they wind up abused in other ways as well. They think they are in love, but once these women have taken everything they own, they leave the older gentleman with herpes and heartbreak. You would not believe the family drama I have seen happen in end of life care.
L😅
Yes. Viagra has the “playing field” imbalanced between older men and older women. Before Viagra, it was balanced and not overdone. HRT “helps” but will never be what viagra is to men.
You can't fix it. Just end it. Folks always think somehow it will work even though there's no sexual chemistry. It won't. Intimacy is so important whether we want to admit it or not.
This is a result of the societal pressure to get married and settle down. People end up marrying people they don’t really love. It’s a tragedy.
Its still her fault lmao
People end up marrying people they barely even like.
@CanadianLuvCrush I don’t necessarily think you’re wrong about that, but how could you possibly be so naive to blame “society” for a decision like marriage. How about we emphasize taking responsibility for one’s own decisions instead of assigning blame to this often imagined “pressure”
@@kellya3162 to hate.
@@brandonprice1301 it’s 💯 society’s fault. It’s seen as weird to remain single and childless as a woman. There’s pressure from parents to date, then get married, then have kids, and in that order. A lot of people don’t want this, but when you’re in your 20’s and naive, you just get swept along with society.
This is more common than you’d expect. Usually women settle with a safe man (she doesn’t desire) when she is around 30.
It's called hitting the wall.
@@TheStrengthScholarSays the Redpill loser...
Women find a huge bank account very desirable. Money is sure sexy to lots of girls. Get in line toots.
@@TheStrengthScholarfound the incel
@@FreshFlamingo
Yes the 6'3 athletic 270lb powerlifting incel. My profile pic clearly shows I'm hideous.
The word incel has lost all of its sting because feminists use it for anyone they disagree with.
I think I understand what this lady's talking about. I'm in love with my husband and I was attracted to him very much while we were dating. But after we were married the sex (we waited for marriage) wasn't great and I wasn't satisfied. I tried telling him this for a year but it didn't reach him until one night I was direct as possible. And we were honest. Apparently, he's not close to his dad and he never had "the talk" with him. Unlike me,who had great parents and they were very open and honest with the "talk". So basically, I had to give my poor husband the talk and yes, he was mad I didn't tell him sooner but he was happy we could be so honest with each other. Since then, our sex life has been awesome and has been growing every time. Though I have to be also honest with myself. Sometimes, I'm not in the mood. I've been touched by children all day and sometimes I don't want to be touched anymore. Or sometimes we're doing it and I just have to be honest and let him know hey, and want this connection we have but I'm too mentally occupied right now with the kids to be able to come. And we're both OK with that and I'm still able to enjoy it even though I don't get physical pleasure but I get the emotional bond I want.
I don't know. I guess I just felt like kinda understood what she was talking about. But man!! Keeping that in for 30 years seems crazy to me. I was getting fed up by the end of just one year.
Tell your husbands ladies. Be honest. I promise the sex is so much better when you're honest with your husband.
This is why we need comprehensive sex education!!!
Communication is the key to a healthy, loving relationship
That man should get rid of you.
I think your situation is different than hers. In your situation, you had that attraction to your man early on and then it was lost. So you had "the talk" and that attraction was restored. It is a different case. In her situation, she never had that attraction at all to her man in the first place so there is nothing that can be done. Think about it, if her situation can be solved by having "the talk" then she would have enough common sense to do that already just like you did. But deep down inside, she knows that is not the case. She is one of those people pleaser who can't say no, even at the cost of herself. And 28 years later, this is where it got her.
So his parent didn't have the talk with him and he just didn't know what he was doin is what ur sayin? If u were experienced why didn't u instruct him and show him or tell him what u liked or needed? Women I think like men to figure it out what they like n need and it's a waste of time when they could just tell us.
Physical is very important whether someone says it’s not, you must feel attracted to your partner! Love is not enough!! I was with a man for 8 years and the last 2 years of our relationship I felt I was never attracted to him. I decided to end the relationship even if he was hurt about it, but I couldn’t keep pretending. Now 30 years, wow he not only missed out on someone loving him physically , but she also missed out on being with someone she would have been attracted to.
She is a very selfish woman. This goes beyond people pleasing/“not wanting to hurt him”. 30 years? That is really shameful. And she’s still only thinking about herself, “I don’t wanna be 80 one day and feeling regretful” like how about you don’t want your husband to continue wasting his life with you, lady???
She loves having "wife privilleges" but not wanting to provide wife duties.
@@BarnzTTshe’s been providing- unfortunately she’s hated it
@@oambitiousone7100 Obvisouly you are very naive. NO Woman will ever ever support any man that they are not attracted too. Women have very high standards as even average women think they are 9's but are between 4 to 6 but has a long list of demads from a man. So please stop the cap.
@@BarnzTTNo women don't know how to express sexual desires it comes with shame men are very relax they know what they want like big boobs or anything but women don't know until experience it it cause disaster for women and men in relationships
She's not in love with him. Being in love matters It makes all the difference in sex. ❤❤
I don't think she's capable. She's asexual as a textbook case.
Not for some neurodivergent people.
Man would notice if she is attractred....especially if he is talking in flirtatious way and doing gestures
holding hand or something.... if she pulls away after holding a hand or giving some gift...
its strange he wouldnt notice it for 30 years.
My wife and I had this hard conversation in 2020 after 15 years. I initiated it. It was hard but was the best thing for our marriage. We were both able to admit things and work on them. It was well worth the effort only wish we did it sooner.
How do you work through your wife finding you ugly and unatractive?
So, what happened next?
Marriage went from something I was ready to walk away from to something I’m happy with again. It no longer seems like I’m the only one who puts effort in. The sex is the best ever. Of course it’s not perfect, but now that we have opened the lines of communication we freely express our concerns as they come up instead of letting it build.
Are you still together??
@@garyshepherdly9357 going strong
Like 99% of women. She married him for financial security, or because she was about to hit the wall (my friends are getting married and having kids and I'm 26!).
Yep!
Don't marry 25+ women , some would say 30+ but I'm telling you guys after 25+ women convert into gold diggers
Absolute facts . She was in it for the money or her options dried up , but probably the money as she would likely of been very young 30 years ago. Women don't like to admit their motive is money, as it's basically just prostitution.
One of my greatest fears is being married to a woman who does not enjoy sex. A big reason is because my dad has told me multiple times ever since I was a teenager that my mom never enjoyed sex or experienced orgasm and that she only agreed to sex because she wanted to have children. This was a hard thing to hear from him especially at a young age. Ever since, I have been very vigilant about knowing for sure if a woman is sexually interested in me before I would marry her.
As a woman. i know that's right. I'm really wondering what's going on with woman because i be wanting it all the time.
But I wonder if your dad ever asked your mom WHY or what she finds attractive
It doesn't matter you could have a great and most awesome sex life and then 5, 10 or 15 years later they just turn off like a light switch but you've got twenty years together and three kids...now what you gonna do...dump her :(
Ask your dad why your mom couldn't orgasm. There's a lot that goes into bringing a woman into an aroused, orgasmic state. What you see in porn ain't it. It's likely not her fault.
Same with men, I can't even be with (permanently) low libido ones because the mismatch in sex drive leaves me feeling undesirable. It took me a lot of time to not be paranoid about them secretly not liking intimacy or certain aspects of it.
Don’t marry someone if a behavior of theirs puts you off
It may seem very small but it becomes worse in marriage.
That is very true.
THIS!!! It absolutely magnifies
Well some people are put off by an oz of fat on the stomach.
This is a problem. Everyone wants a unicorn
No one's gonna hit every box sadly
We all have something that puts off someone else, so remember no one's perfect, NOT EVEN YOU!
Come back and tell us the day you're perfect, we'll all die waiting because no one's perfect
I’ve been here with an ex.
Our vaginas (when not attracted sexually to our partner) will literally close up in order to reject intercourse. The vagina will close and dry up and try to push out the penis, which makes sex constantly painful and uncomfortable. Sex feels forced and we just pray that it’s over as fast as possible. I realized that I was not in love with my ex, only that I had plantinic love for him. I couldn’t handle this uncomfortable sex for 2 years, I can’t believe she’s gone through this for 20+ years.
Was it a physical thing, like his penis size or physique, or was it his personality?
It can be all his looks body and personality @@danbenz6362
If that's true, I wonder how porn stars "open up."
So sad what we put ourselves through.
I agree with you. Faking it for over 20 years 😵💫
When a woman isn’t attractive to her partner it becomes painful to have sex. Exactly what you explain happens to the body.
I pray that no one has to go through this painful experience may the lord bless everyone who’s deserving of a good woman
Dealing with this exact issue as a husband of more than 5 years.
It has been an interesting and dramatic last few months of me FORCING this issue to the front.
I get why she lied. She sounds soooo much like my wife ….. did.
It is brutally painful and complex to deal with from both sides.
The part that makes it so difficult is how my wife really has expressed that she does love me and she really is scared to death of losing me.
What has been most effective in dealing with this is my practice of making her feel that she has lost me.
I hate doing it. Super complicated. I am so glad I didn’t let this sit around for three decades like this guy did. I get what happens.
But I can guarantee that he actually will not be shocked at all if she were to be honest with him… he already is quite aware. And he hates her for the years of lying
What do you mean practice making her feel like she lost you? And how you guys managed to fix the issue?
So you an ugly man playing games? Yeah that’ll work out.
Information on the husband's actions/behaviour is missing. I am not blaming the husband only attempting to convey the message that they both created the environment that they are in. Why has he let the situation go on for as long as it has? Does he hear her? Does he dismiss her - she did say that he constantly interrupts her? Might she feel as though she has no voice? She did infer that maybe he is not willing to work on his flaws by him saying that is 'who he is'. How does he handle conflicts/disagreements between the two of them? Does he shut her concerns down?
Something must have happened in her past for her to feel unable to be vulnerable to him and his behaviour towards her is reinforcing that behaviour of not feeling safe to open up to her husband. She did say that she sought out counselling but it is not clear whether the husband also sought out counselling for himself or whether they did as a couple. Once again, I am not blaming him as I believe both went into the marriage desiring a wonderful, long-lasting marriage. She did say that at the beginning of their relationship that she was sexually attracted to him. There is a severe lack of emotional intimacy between the two of them, and this is impacting on her sexual desire. Every one of us comes with bruises and wounds to our hearts as a result of life. Yes, the onus is on her to deal with those bruises and wounds. But, it is also the role of a husband and wife to attempt to intimately know the soul of their partner. Marriage requires a mindset of 'what is best for the cherished marriage relationship that exists between us' and not 'what is best for me'. That means a husband and wife working on themselves and also working to know and develop an intimate understanding of who their spouse is.
@@mia_f
What I mean is this…….let me give some embarrassing and unflattering backstory in as discrete a manner I can.
The only reason I going into this here is maybe people are in the same position and perhaps my story can help.
Remember, I can go through a brief sketch on the comment section of a TH-cam video.
For clarity, I will use phrases like, “wife was having sex for me”. What I mean by that is simple. I mean no orgasm (for her) nothing that physically comes for the women when her body is a part of the act.
********
I am six years older than my wife.
We met through church, our parents got us to go on a date.
I lost 100 lbs after college (was always big until then)
I did not have much experience with sex before we met (but was mad about the fact that no Christian girls in my age bracket seemed to be equally yoked in this arena.
When I met my lovely wife, she was beautiful, sweet, innocent, had come from a broken family but loved the Lord. (She is still all of those things) And……. She was a virgin.
While we were dating and engaged. She was never affectionate (even her dad warned me that she had not been since she was a little girl). She wanted to wait for marriage. While my body was ready, I glad accepted this because I respected the virtue of waiting.
She had other quirks about nervousness and anxiety that were kind of out of the norm even for a woman. (Her dad once said to me that he was against medication but his daughter was a little different on this front)
Nothing to bad, it was always kind of cute anyway to me.
******
We get married, I could not have been happier.
On thing seems to bother me though.
I have not brought her close to orgasm, or even done anything for her that she seemed to enjoy.
Now here is the issue at this point:
1. I am not super experienced (but that should be ok. We both wanted to wait)
2. She really wants us to keep trying to get her body to respond.
3. We are newlyweds, I am not gonna sit there and get mad at her…… it “will all work out” (lol mistake)
They say to “not put to much pressure” (bad bad bad advice btw)
I did what a young experienced loving husband would do.
I kept trying to build a life outside and inside the bedroom with my lovely wife. Perhaps we need to see a doctor, if she can’t I am not gonna hurt her for it.
********
The trying gets more difficult overtime by the way.
The longer in the 1st year I can trying with no results, not even the slightest sign of where to go,… the more difficult attempts get. No matter how much I tried it was destroying my confidence.
She assured me that she that she was attached to me, and that she loved me too.
She told me she had never masturbated.
One time, after I had had a great time, she asked me in the most sweet and innocent voice, “what does it feel like??”
I wanted to do whatever I needed to fix the issue.
But as time goes it affects the man. The problem was that she was holding back and lying to me.
Attempts to talk about it were either lies to me, or some weird type of test.
I’d get determined that we go see a doctor just to rule it out, and she would say no….. we are gonna figure it out. And I love you and I am attracted to you and it isn’t the end of the world if we don’t figure it out.
*******
Year two we make a beautiful boy, followed by year 3 3 1/2 another beautiful boy.
Life gets busy
**************
This all changes about a year and a half ago. Frequency of us having relations is what seems ok to me (twice a week). Off course it is ALWAYS for me. And of course I am developing a physical disability myself from all this .
But through a miracle of confidence I decided that we needed to try for her again and drive to a sex shop and have to get some old 85 year old lady explain toys to me, (lol) my wife refused to get out of the car.
I buy basically the most expensive thing in the store.
We get home, I tell my wife, we gotta figure this out.
She tells me that she had been dishonest with me. She had lied about having never master-bated on her own.
She told me she was embarrassed and nervous, that is why she didn’t want to tell me.
She told me that she reads these stories (literally porn, as degrading and less healthy than porn guys watch I can tell you that) and that she had been able to do that by herself since she was a girl.
I was both frustrated because she should have been honest ….yet happy because I thought we were gonna find it that night. Turns out we were unable to have any success in the area for the the next month of trying.
That’s when it got dark for me.
I stopped wanting to talk to her,
I didn’t want to have sex with her,
I was repulsed by her for most of 2023.
Long story short for most of 2023 it just felt that I had a Christian obligation of an extra mouth to feed (that didn’t respect me).
I made an attempt in October to start taking her out on a monthly date (17th of every month set aside for a date with us)
October 17 she made love BEFORE the date (which occurred because sec was for me and she wanted to get it out of the way).
The date went well, I missed my wife but I could not sleep that night because I realized I had repressed this issue so much.
That she had never really completely given herself to me, and I was bitter about it.
The 19th of October I was led by the Lord to read the book of Hosea. The book alot more anti feminist that the summaries people give. If God says that the husband is to the wife and Christ/God is to the church then I came to realize He lead on His own terms (look up the Hebrew terms found in Hosea 2:16)
************
The next month was interesting and worth it. I prayed everyday that the Lord would guide me. It was hire painful for me to endure (reading the nasty stories she read all day long….. so that I was prepared to call her on her BS that she was feeding me in this area)
It definitely hurt, but I took charge of my marriage and family. Leaving alot of details out but we were trying with …… better results.
However, my conclusion, is that like this lady sounds. Part of her wants to have that relationship with her husband and the other part will not allow herself to be vulnerable with her husband enough for it to be erotic.
In the case of my wife, what she wants for us in the bedroom comes at a loss of control she doesn’t want to give up. She was choosing to have her cake and eat it as well.
Let me be sweet husband who loves and cares for her and she can fulfill her own desires in the bed by herself and she can be the manipulative leader of our home.
Through great focus and me fighting through much emotional pain….. I made it clear that she was not gonna have me the way she had me before.
I wasn’t tolerating this.
About a month after that October date it led to me rearranging the kids playroom. Me putting a bed in there and telling my wife that I would still make sure she was fed, protect her from an intruder coming in the house….. (basics husband duties that I was morally obligated for)
But that I was done being her husband until she would give herself to me. I told her I loved her and wanted to wait as long as I could for her to come around but I wasn’t gonna be the husband who she wasn’t attracted to in that way.
It was more dramatic than that and I am leaving much out but you get the point.
I was willing to lose her and telling her that she had lost me.
I didn’t want to lose her. I loved her. But I needed to be strong and not let her bully us (passively) anymore.
It took about 4 1/2 minutes later that night. I got to see a side of my wife that I had yearned so much for…. our entire lives.
It was beautiful, and it was worth the pain and the risk. I do not blame her as much as the other men (especially in the church) around me.
Since then the issue in the bedroom has almost completely resolved. I have instituted a three strikes rule. Basically if we are trying and somehow I fail (the years of what happen still have an effect on my confidence) I only get two strikes.
Two consecutive misses from my performance and I withdraw emotionally and physically until she guarantees me a base hit, lol.
Still work to do, but I am so glad the Lord guided me through this impossible maze. It really was a miracle.
My wife really deceived me.
There are very dark parts of this and I think the main guy of this podcast handled the call really really well and was on top of this one.
What she says sounds a lot like where my wife was and what it would have been like had I not given all of myself to the painful process of fighting through this.
I feel for the guy because it is hard to explain what it is like being the guy in that spot.
A good loving guy can easily never get out of a position like this even if he is capable, attractive, competent, and loving.
Because she is doing this to her husband and he is not Skilled enough to understand just how much she has simply used him.
@@mia_f
Answering you directly.
My wife physically responds to me taking charge and not allowing her to describe what she is doing in “nice” terminology.
It doesn’t matter how much of a pro the bed or attractive the guy is if deep down the wife thinks she has gotten away with thinking of her good husband as a weak loser who is not capable of seeing through her fraud.
Her success at misleading him (or what she perceives as her having mislead him even if he kind of knows) is almost itself a way mocking him…. Bringing him down to level where it is not possible to feel attraction to him.
So the best method for me is to look at her and call her out for the disrespect she has held in her heart and almost gotten off to in her mind.
I have to reiterate that i am not accepting sex for me as acceptable and that I would rather be alone than that.
That she is gonna follow my lead, that she is gonna trust me, but God made her with free will. And that I choose my wife, but if she insists on doing this dark and mean game, then perhaps I would be happier with that single mom I know from work who probably would take the offer, or the other single mom from church who is probably sick of being alone at night.
I tell my wife that she best learn to get hot and heavy for “good guy”. Because if she insist on having a “bad boy” in the sack then she may end up turning me into a real naughty boy.
But there is nothing naughty about a loving husband and wife getting it on.
A husband getting it on with someone else on the other hand is very very naughty, lol.
So through this process I have been having to remind my wife to tell me again if I need to be a good boy or a naughty boy???
Which one does she really thinks she wants, lol
I sometimes wonder if this is the majority of marriages out there
It is, she’s not uncommon whatsoever.
Been blaming her problems on him for 30 years.
Yeah this is what happens when society convinces ladies that looks don't matter.
The amount of married men that hit on me is staggering.
I don’t know but it’s definitely not the case with mine. We are both extremely attracted to each other. 14 years together. I still think my husband is the most attractive man I’ve ever seen.
@@ashleypiper2558 check back with me in 15 years
You should regret never allowing your husband to find that connection
Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I feel so bad for him.
Why, she’s not French you know!
He should have strived to be attractive to his wife.
@@brianring-nu9dwhow exactly? He tried and she tried but this is on her, she didn't feel it and there might not be something that he can do to change thqt
There is no perfect partner. If you think that there is, you will just pick and pick until you pick shi#! Do not be honest with him unless you’re prepared to break up with him and are financially secure. Remember the advice he is giving you is from a man’s point of view. Do NOT tell him until you are ready and feel it’s safe to do so and he won’t blow his top. It’s all about the correct timing.
There are lots of men who just assume they ARE meeting their partner's needs, because they have big egos. When their women TRY to talk to them about what isn't working, the men respond defensively, and don't want to make the changes the woman is asking for, or they say they do but aren't committed to doing so. The women may try for a (long) while to keep putting forward what she wants, but if what she says doesn't change anything, eventually she's going to stop asking for what she needs. This happens all the time. My women friends constantly say their partners aren't going to change, they've tried, they have to accept not having their needs responded to, and they look elsewhere for many aspects of their happiness or well-being while staying in the relationship. I think this caller is just saying what a lot of women feel, and what a lot of women's relationships look like. She hasn't been "lying" to her husband for 30 years, and he isn't the victim of her lack of honesty--instead, she's more likely been systematically un-listened to for so long she probably doesn't know how to make her own case anymore. Dr. Delony is making assumptions about the basic functionality of heterosexual relationships, as if he's never heard how disappointed many women are with men's lack of maturity, responsiveness, emotional intimacy, etc. If there are lots of women walking around out there feeling like true equals in their relationships with men, why is the world like it is? Until we accept we live in a world that caters to men and their egos, are we really being honest about anything? When my little daughter asked me why all 47 presidents have been men, with not a single woman among them, what could I say? Men have a belief in their right to have power and to control others. See it, Dr. D?
You have hit the nail on the head. I have been married for 19 years. During our marriage I have discussed how he can make sex more pleasurable for me, I have physically guided him to show him how, I have suggested he watch youtube videos on how to enhance the experience. He does what I suggest ONCE & thinks he's now an expert & nothing further should be required on his part. I have watched hundreds of hours of youtube videos by a variety of presenters to try to make the experience satisfying for both of us. It's exhausting and miserable being the only person in a relationship who puts in any effort. He then wonders why I have never had an O without the use of toys. His lack of participation & willingness to learn is why I am no longer sexually attracted to my husband. For those who will say just walk away, he's a good person in so many other ways - just a dud root, which I don't really believe is a good enough reason to destroy a marriage.
@@KarenCam0048 Karen, I'm sorry. I am right there with you. My guy is a "good person" too--but I think there is a lower bar, much much lower, for men to be considered good. If men are trained by the world to think women matter less than they do, they may not even realize that they are not responding to us as we deserve. It's like they don't get it and are thinking: isn't a woman a person to not really pay serious attention to, while simultaneously expecting her to meet a man's needs? I actually keep waiting to wake up one day and be done with my "good guy" because I am so tired of feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. I want more tenderness, more of a feeling that I matter, etc. The more I think about how he is a good guy, the more guilty I feel for thinking about leaving, and even the more guilty I feel about being unsatisfied. Maybe his goodness isn't really affecting me in a good way? It's hard.
It’s interesting that so many of us marry the wrong person, because we haven’t cleaned up our own stuff enough to be clear, and then we have sexless marriages. It’s something not talked about enough imo, as it starts so far back. I LOVE that this is being addressed here! I wish I had addressed this too, many years ago with my ex husband. We may have saved ourselves both a lot of pain for ourselves and our children.
Could marrying the wrong person be a symptom that no one ever teaches people about love or even about fulfilling relationships. In school we learn to read and write, parents teach us how to eat, clean our teeth, tie our shoes, shave...yet no one ever sits with us as children and talks about love and loving relationships! This is why society is so unhappy.
(I’m 8 minutes in) Damn… this hit hard for me. I’m in this situation with my boyfriend right now. I got into this relationship 2 months post breakup and he was a comfort in a time of sadness. I mean I did tell him from the beginning that I was not ready for something new but he insisted and I liked being doted over so there it is. Well it’s been a year now and I don’t think I like him anymore than I did at the beginning. Never really physically attracted to him. But his persistence and how loving he is has kept me here, like I ought to love this man too. But somehow there’s just something missing me for me. I would say in my case the difference is that I’d be the one to bring up the fact that I think he’s fallen in love with me faster/more than I have with him. But I never actually broke it off out of guilt. This video gave me the push I need to call it quits, he deserves someone who’s truly into him and I don’t want to build resentment and wonder “what if” in the future.
Classic rebound relationship. He treats you so well because he knows that you're out of his league but that will never give you real desire knowing deep down that you can do better than him.
I have nothing against a rebound relationship so long as you were openly honest and you end it after 3 months. Having someone dote and praise you can boost your confidence and healing after a recent breakup, but you should have hit that "eject" button after 3 months instead of having this drag on for a year to avoid crushing this guy.
how is it possible to create sexual desire where it doesn't exist between 2 people who have been together 30 years? You can't re-heat a souffle but in this case there's no souffle.
Honestly if you’ve been with someone for 30 years and you don’t feel sexual attraction toward that person, I don’t think it’ll change. Regardless of how much counseling and advice you get, because sexual attraction is something that I believe comes naturally within your body like I believe chemicals are moving and you’re having chemical reactions inside of your body to feel an attraction toward a person and I don’t think outside sources can help with that maybe some sort of drug or something but even that’s temporary.
"It's cheaper to keep her" has officially been DEBUNKED by this call! All the money, energy, attention, and time he has spent has been a complete waste!
She was the one keeping him around with his small pecker
There is nothing worse that choosing the wrong woman for you, even the bible says so
Whats the alternative for this man though, if they split he's fucked. The dating market is brutal in today's world. if you're a good looking man yet get everything, if avg - below you get scraps and if your even the most unattractive women ever you have endless options
@@throwawayaccount6409 become the best version of yourself and let everything else fall into place.
@@Gunotforlyfe foolish belief
I was in this exact same place, high school sweethearts, married 14 years, no kids. Finally I broke, I wanted to want sex so bad, I knew I was missing something big and honestly, he was too. He deserved to be wanted. I finally had the courage to move on and now I have a partner where that spark is clearly there, even a few years in and with a newborn. It’s night and day. A life changer. Was seeing in black and white and now I see in color.
The problem is not your lack of attraction but the resources that he invested in that relationship, including time, and the resources he lost when you split. It easier to replace a woman than replace a house you paid off.
@@marthajackson1388 well lucky for him he got the house.
The lack of God is the problem there honey
WOW this is probably what I'm going through as well. He complains about me not desiring him, and it's been because of things that have happened in the past and me understanding his personality type more. I feel so bad because I don't want to divorce, but I see stories like this and it makes me feel like I want someone I desire soooo bad, but I'm terrified of what will happen. I'm definitely seeing in black and white, and I want to see colors :( .
@@jeremyfree2fish586your god doesn’t want to get involvedok
I feel so bad for her husband. She should of told him before things got too serious. I'm guessing she married and settled for him because she didn't want to be alone. She robbed him of him finding love and creating a family who loves and cares for him. I hope she lets her husband go so he can still have time to find someone who will love and cherish him for the rest of his life. ❤️
*should have
*should've
Ladies NEVER just " Give him a chance" if you have to put that much effort into being with him that early. That is your cue to put him in the friendzone
It seems as if she must not have had other options for a relationship or marriage. This makes no sense to marry someone to whom you're not sexually attracted.
This is disgusting. “If you don’t like him, just use him for everything you can get outta him without giving anything in return.”