No i did not sadly. Can I ask you a question. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and autism but I don't know how to deal with it. If I try to talk to someone else about it it always backfired and made me feel like I my problem is not good enough reason to worry. And I tried to kill myself for 7 years and failed. please help me Katie in the right direction.
Kati, this was fairly useful. Thank you. It would have been helpful if you'd introduced the video by stating your definition of "neediness" and typical behaviours one might do as a needy person. Being needy is a subjective concept, as you know, so defining your terms at the start would have been very helpful. 😊
I see anxious attachment in myself but not with everyone, just my boyfriend. I typically hear from him several times a day and when I don't I'm a hot mess the entire day until I do hear from him. It's exhausting honestly.
Double whammy when you are shamed for being needy. I have been told many times to pull my act together and to chill. Only my fellow anxious attachment people know how miserable the whole experience. A simple thing like not getting a reply triggers a wildfire inside my head.
I hear you and feel you, Shree.... And that self-loathing we'd feel when we open up and express our needs in as loving and respectful manner as we can... And then a voice within us telling/asking us, 'you're asking for too much', or 'what makes you think you're worth it'... The painful part of it is when those people who supposedly love us chide us for asking for a bit more reassurance... I understand if we're expecting the other person to spend all their non-working time with us and suffocating them, then that's unsustainable... #sigh#
your neediness should not be your partner's problem to solve. if you're going to put that on them, all your stress and your burden over things like a text message not being responded to, you are not ready for a relationship. you need to examine exactly why you want someone at your beck and call. it's not because you're looking for a healthy relationship. it's because you want to take the easy way out of emotional labour and put it all on someone else. you probably don't do it intentionally, but having BEEN on the other side of an anxiously attached person shaming ME for not catering to their needs 24/7 and forgoing my own, claiming that i don't care and never put in effort when i tried to establish healthy boundaries... yeah... it's emotional abuse. even worse, its emotional abuse that so many anxiously attached people insist is just "society/people not treating them right". look at the comments here for instance. so few people actually admit to the fact that being anxiously attached is a DISORDERED attachment style for a reason. if you're not working towards changing, you're basically just saying "yeah i'm going to hurt people and i don't care! everyone is wrong, not me!". its awful.
It hurts to imagine life without my man. I never thought it would come to this point where I might have to let go. I know this may not be the right place to share this, but I feel like I’m gradually losing myself, and I don’t know what to do. I’m holding tightly to the beautiful moments we shared, and I sincerely hope he finds happiness.
I completely understand how you feel. I went through something similar when my long term relationship ended. It felt like my heart was shattered, and no matter how much time passed, I couldn’t let go of the memories. I tried everything to get him back talking to friends for advice, even writing letters I never sent. Eventually, I found help through fatherabulu, who came through for me and helped me get my man back.
Personally, I find that "needy" people are just traumatized humans that require a liiittle extra care yet society doesn't want to budge&treat us like we're deserving humans. We are though. I need reassurance from my partner&I communicate openly but society is rampant with abusers&sadly it doesn't matter who you are, once an abuser has you, they'll abuse you however they wish.
Sorry if this turns out long, but I don’t know that I really agree with this idea. There are plenty of avoidant people who went through incredibly traumatic things that took a tremendous toll and who would need a lot of help, but who are the opposite of needy because they’re so used to their needs not being met that they don’t even ask or realize it’s an option to. On the other hand, there are plenty of people who may be traumatized to whatever extent, but who also grow complacent with always externalizing their emotions and getting people to navigate them through even their most minor issues, even growing to expect it, even to the point of forcing it on others, “embellishing” reality to fit their feelings, and punishing or blaming others for not responding to them well, quickly, or enthusiastically enough. That’s not just trauma. I totally agree that there’s a correlation between “neediness” and trauma. In my experience, almost everyone has a breaking point at which the situation becomes so overwhelming and the trauma so great that they become “needy”. However, those whose baseline is being needy are by no means necessarily those who are the most traumatized. Just the ones who were never given sufficient tools (and what sufficient means depends on the person) to learn how to deal with their emotions themselves, and often even to learn that they should. People can be “needy” because they’re genuinely dealing with hell and don’t know which way is up, but also because they were never taught to be independent and don’t even know they’re supposed to know which way is up without someone telling them and carrying them to the top.
@@EIizabethGrace “ I don’t know that I agree” don’t argue on the internet like this at nothing I don’t agree either. U wouldn’t say all this irl but go off
@@EIizabethGrace no. Extreme codependency and extreme counter dependency are just two sides of a traumatic coin. Don’t dismiss trauma that you don’t understand
@@EIizabethGraceactly. I am a fear avoidance and why/how ask for needs to be met when people will just abandon you anyway 😞. It's not like they are going to comfort or assure you if you express that you need them and that you feel lonely etc....they will just leave. Everyone does it, plain and simple. Perhaps if you are a man or a lesbian you can say these things because some women are more compassionate and understanding of emotional needs, but if you act this way with a guy he will just leave
I have an anxious attachment style. And I'm really, really hard on myself about it... I communicated my needs to my partner today and it was really scary. I feel like I ask for so much from him. He is frustrated that it seems like I can't trust that he loves me - of course he put this in a really kind way. It's just hard because he shows me love, comforts me, calls me nearly every day... and I seem to fixate on the little things he does "wrong" and use them as proof that he may not really love me. And he just wants me to feel loved and stop questioning his feelings! He tells me he loves me all the time, why is my fear of abandonment still so strong? Well.... Not to be cliche, but my dad abandoned me. And he was always really loving and emotionally affectionate. He just couldn't be there for me in reality. So now, I love being loved, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel like love is enough to keep someone from leaving me. I don't value verbal reassurance the way I should. I'm extremely sensitive to broken promises, even little ones. I get really unnerved when my partner is late or needs to reschedule our plans. I think, "He loves me, but does he want to be with me? Is he willing to make an effort?" And I get anxious until I can talk to him again, usually in tears.
Gosh! I can relate so much!! It's like the moment I cannot see a visible proof of his love (i.e. me/ him going to work and got separated) my mind just started swirling with doubts. I would very much like to stop questioning his feelings too..if only there's a one-cures-all
How does your partner deal with these issues ? Everything you’ve described is how I am, especially being sensitive to broken promises, as minute as they can be.
In my case I am triggered by anxiously attached people. In my mind I label them as toxic people. We all should aim to be securely attached I think. If I see that you just keep demanding and demanding, as opposed to keeping a balance between asking others to take care of your needs vs caring of your needs yourself, I am out. EVERYONE has fears and needs, and I find it is unfair that I have to deal with same or similar issues than someone who just easily gets all their needs covered by demanding other peoples energy. Alternatively, meeting another anxiously attached person may help.
Running into people who are deceptive and just want to use you while dealing with this attachment style/wound is literally hell. Add battling depression and anxiety to this equation.
SERIOUSLY. you can even see their mindset in this comment section. "oh other people made me like this :( no society is just treating us anxiously attached people poorly :( its not our fault :(" like this EXACT rhetoric is how my ex tried to guilt me into staying with him and putting up with his emotional abuse while he used me to feel good about himself. it was alllll about him all the time. seeing his exact talking points and attitude in this comment section was such a shock.
I never used to be that way, but dated a couple women back to back who jumped to someone else after going a little quiet. Ever since, whenever someone gets a little quiet I start getting anxious. Before I'd just think "Oh they're busy," but now my mind runs wild.
@@VC_333 It's gotten a little better for me recently. I worked on myself a little and improved my appearance and my dating profile and it has become easier to get dates, and it seems that along with that has come additional confidence that leads to me being less anxious and quick on the trigger to jump to conclusions. Now when someone goes a little quiet I'll find myself thinking "Well, we had a good time and I think she felt the same - but if she doesn't it wasn't meant to be and I'll meet someone else." It wasn't even a much of a conscious effort to be more rational and think along these lines, it just seemed to come naturally along with the increased interest I was getting. So while that is not an easy answer, I do think it is the best method (and explains why it comes naturally to some people). Since my initial post I dated someone for about a month and it went great, but then she flaked out on me in a crazy way - I was disappointed, but relatively content to let her go (given that she was apparently nuts). After about a week I texted a follow up to see if she still felt the same (in case she was just having a bad day, as we all do). She said she did, so I wished her good luck, and began dating someone else immediately (which also lasted about a month). Anyway, sorry for the long response, but since you said you were in the same boat, I thought it might be helpful. Work on your confidence and self-worth and I think with some patience, success (or at least peace of mind) will follow. Have a date tonight, wish me luck! Best wishes to you.
Right. when i felt anxious attachment activation, it was only in situations that were confusing or harmful for me. Attachment anxiety is a sign of being incompatible with a person or situation, a sign you’re compromising your boundaries, or a sign what their words are saying doesn’t align with their actions.
I feel both too needy and avoidant......i try not to get close to people past my boundaries, because once I get to trusting someone, i want that reassurance, and that's typically where things come apart from me
Anyone who needs reassurance should get it whenever they need it.... If I'm in a relationship I need to feel like I am.. If I need reassurance, it's bcuz my partner has me feeling some type of way by their behavior.... That they wanna act like is normal.....
I’m very much the same. When I meet someone, things are fine because they’re “friendly level.” But when the threshold is crossed, and we become closer, I find myself needing reassurance and being very anxious when we’re not talking. It pushes people away, so I typically self destruct and end the relationship because in my mind it was going to happen anyway. And then I feel the worst because I hurt someone and I repeated the pattern to hurt myself.
The research on attachment theory suggests that all avoidants are anxious who have learned to suppress their anxiety with avoidant behavior as a defense mechanism. So avoidant is the hardest place to heal from tbh because on the path to healing you'll become anxious again until you get the right kind of reassurance
I have an anxious attachment style, and a strong fear of abandonment, but I keep getting abandoned, so I'm never able to feel safe around anyone. My father left us, my mother died when I was young, and my girlfriend who was my favorite person and safety net left me. Friends lose interest, and I don't know why, maybe I'm too much. I try to be better, and I go to therapy, but I struggle so much to relax and have a nice day feeling safe, because I'm constantly afraid of being abandoned, rejected, left out, forgotten. I have such strong need for emotional closeness and I find it nowhere. I'm a 33 year old man. I'm supposed to suck it up and hang out with buddies. I need closeness, I need hugs, appreciation, compliments. I need space to be a person who worry and overthink. I need support when I am low or when I act in a distressed manner, either with worry, overthinking or just stress. I have no space anywhere to be myself. I cry myself to sleep. Therapist have me fill forms. How am I supposed to be strong and feel that I have worth and that I matter? I don't know if I'm asking Kati or if I'm just venting. I am just sharing, because I have nowhere else to go with this.
I understand you because I struggle with the same thing. It’s hard when your love language is touch but your partners often takes l it from you as a punishment but expect you to comply with their love such as communication.
I cried reading this. I fell the same... all my life people just left me for being to much. I tried my best to change and I did but it's it's never enough. I keep getting into relationships with people that don't care about me and use me for my body even if I tell them that I need to be loved. I love myself and my life and I got so much better that I use to be but dating it's still very hard and I get way to emotional. I don't need anyone to save me but it will be nice to have someone that genuinely loves me and care for me without having to beg for it. I hope you'll find love and be loved bc you deserve it. And I hope I do too.
@@salisasmeditation4012 thank you, I feel better and stronger now. Therapy has helped alot, and I have befriended some failed Tinder matches 😅 at least someone close to hang and talk with :)
Once I remember that my needs are valid and wanting to have them recognized doesn't make me a monster, it becomes a lot easier to not get upset about people that, for whatever reasons, cannot give me that reassurance. Thank you ❤
I have come a long way in my anxious attachment. My emotions were always dismissed so I have constantly questioned if what I was feeling was even okay. I started off feeling needy and over time I did cultivate my own interests and learned some hidden gifts I had. And over time my husband (avoidant) has opened up, but we are currently going through some of these old feelings and it has been very difficult. I appreciate how this was reflected in the video which instead of making me feel like I am a horrible person for wanting to be loved, I can realize that it's just that I want to be recognized that my feelings do matter. Thank you so much for this.
Here's my two cents. My parents were aloof and distant and never showed affection and love to me. Now that I'm a grown up woman I like to communicate with caring people who are willing to give me the extra love and attention I've always needed. It's a mutual way to compensate for not feeling loved as a child. This makes some people feel love-deprived and in need to finally feel love and attention. Also, a "needy" person is "needy" only when his partner isn't comfortable with giving a lot of love and affection. It's just all about finding the partner who needs to give and receive the same amount of attention we do. Relationships are different and there isn't one perfect and set healthy level of affection, it's about what the 2 people involved need and want to give and receive.
I respectfully disagree on the part of finding a partner who gives us extra love etc. - this way we're prolonging our being anxiously attached. the goal is not to find such a partner with whom we'd be in a codependency, the goal is healing, becoming secure and finding a stable relationship where we're stable partners too
@@soothingwisdom273 I'm no longer anxiously attached because me and my partner give each other what we need and this slowly creates secure attachment. Still, it's about finding the right partner who feels good with this and wants what you want as a level of attachment and love.
@@soothingwisdom273 having soothing is how we reach that goal. Like parents coming every time a baby cries builds secure attachment. It has to be learned. And it can be expedited in relationships through love and also healthy boundaries. Extra affirmation is not enabling codependency.
When people stop initiating contact, I'll automatically assume it's because they've grown tired of me forever. And because I have this dangerous assumption, I stop contacting them as well. In the end, my assumptions always become reality. So while I definitely have an anxious attachment, part of me subconsciously has an avoidant attachment as well. The thinking being: why bother starting relationships when they always fall apart anyway? It's easier to fall from the 1st floor than the penthouse. Or better yet, if you never go up, there's nowhere to fall. That is an analogy for loneliness.
When people stop initiating contact it means they are not interested in you, simple as that. So why would you be interested in someone who is not interested in YOU? Move on! They are doing you a favor and showing you the red flag. Someone who is not ACTIVELY investing in you.....ditch them! There are many fish in the sea
@@reflectioninthesnow7953 This is great advice, but when you've been alone for so long, you get lonely. And even an artificial connection feels better.
Why bother starting relationships when they always fall apart? For the good times until then. Everything ends eventually one way or the other. But we can enjoy it while it lasts. And if it is over, we can let it go, being sad that it ends, but being thankful that it happened.
I feel like I'm kind of both anxious and avoidant. Initially I keep people at arms length. I really do, I worry that they'll then want to do everything with me and I'll lose control (I think). But then like a switch goes and i fall for them and then become anxious. Thank you for this video Katy, it's helped me to figure a few things out.
This attachment series has come at the perfect time for me as I've just been introduced to this concept in therapy - and wow, what a revelation! I relate all of the anxious attachment signs in this video and although it is currently causing me a lot of anguish within my relationships with others, it feels such a huge relief to finally put a name to what I've always experienced but never been able to fully articulate or understand. This video has really helped me to understand some of my anxious attachment behaviour patterns and enlightened a particularly difficult period I'm going through with a friend - who I've now identified as an avoidant. I've been following you for years but this is the first video I've commented on. Thank you, Kati!
Thank you so much for this insightful video! Past or current traumas may have some effect as well when it comes to "neediness" or "clinginess," healing from trauma also takes time to do, requiring patience and kindness toward yourself.❤
I'm a very calm relaxed person, I've been meditating every day for a many years. I was never anxious until I got with an avoidant womam. My advice, avoid avoidants at all costs, they are extremely destructive to relationships and friendships.
So can be anxiously attached people. I would not generalize. I have met anxiously attached people who only keep demanding and do not respect other peoples boundaries. It's all about them. And the funniest part is, their problems are always the worst. Many are also manipulative to get what they want or need. So I would rather say: let's all aim to be securely attached. Alternatively, meet someone with same attachment style as you 😂
I thought i was on the path of becoming more secure and didn’t even identify as anxiously attached after learning about attachment style theories & reading the book. I thought i was somewhat insecure but not anxious. Then after getting mind effed by an avoidant and couple years of being in emotional pain and confusion I thought i was anxiously attached. Even wondered if i have some mental illness. But no, now i think i had intolerance for that particular toxic person who due to being unhealthy kept confusing me in the worst ways. I had dealt with rejections before that and it wasn’t that confusing or anxious attachment inducing.
I've been needy in almost every relationship in my life. A big part of that, I think, is because of my ADHD. One of the things you mention (like being influenced by messages I've got through my life) is relevant too, but having hyperemotionality and a desperate search for dopamine is the primary aspect of it for me. It's something quite a few of my ADHD friends struggle with too - we tend to be a lot more intense in all of our relationships and desires, and finding places where and people with whom we can comfortably display that level of intensity is rare. It's... a difficult thing to balance, and something I (and we) are still struggling with. And we probably always will - but we're still making progress and gaining understanding about how to deal with these struggles better.
My man, I suffer from extreme ADHD also. I had to take ritalin for it but recently stopped because it was making me feel like I was being too absorbed into my activities. I know how it goes, you think about something non stop and you feel like it's always the down fall of whatever you're thinking because you think you are too much or you are too focused on someone. I always think I am doing osmething wrong when a certain person doesn't respond back the same pace that I do and often times I imagine that they don't like me or want to spend time with me. As much as it sucks, it is a step by step process..... It is hard to be optimistic especially when you're reaching out to someone you really want to be with but they are not on the same page as you. Just keep going!
my partner broke up with me 3 weeks ago because he thinks i’m needy and he feels like it’s unhealthy. thank you for this. i think being more aware will help me :)
Sorry to hear this. What helped was Katie saying to take inventory of all your relationships. If only some people view you this way, you may not be needy.
This was a really helpful video for me. I've understood the general concept of attachment styles, but talking through the potential causes and strategies helped me (in this moment, at least) reframe my perception. I feel guilty for being needy in my few close friendships, especially with friends of the opposite sex who aren't my romantic partner, which has kept me from properly communicating those needs to those friends. But if I really drill down I can separate those needs from romantic ones which takes a lot of the guilt out of the equation.
Good video - oh I avoid so makes me super needy in the end I guess - mostly just hate everyone keep my distance and push people away in a perfectly self-sabotaging way - trying to control my emotions mostly just anger shame and toxicity
I need a video that's the opposite of this, one for being too distant haha. I never understood why just because I was dating someone I had to see them every day and do everything with them, but everyone always has acted like I'm a freak for wanting to have space and time to myself so apparently I'm too distant.
That could be the another type of attachment.. avoidant. I could definitely do a video on that style as well :) xoxo And know that you are not a freak at all.. and it could be that you just prefer having some alone time (which I think most people do). xoxo
I second the need for an Avoidant Attachment video! How to heal and be closer in relationships, specifically, without it being so dang threatening or scary.
@Kati Morton would you perhaps be willing to consider doing a miniseries on the four attachment styles? I find your videos incredibly helpful as a starting point for further research and self discovery.
Katie, I've been watching your videos since 2018 and shortly after started therapy! I love seeing how your videos have changed! I love the editing of this one! And you've also helped me learn a ton about myself, so thank you!! ❤
Thought this was the case with my wife, she certainly fits the description. We recently learned she's an Aspie Girl on top of it. Thanks for this video, going in my favorites ...
@@Katimorton Thanks Kati !!! Only attachment figure was inconsistent at best. Back then before they knew autism existed in girls she was just branded a highly emotional child. Sometimes told by her mother go cling on your father for a while, he was the reason she was attempting to cling to her mother.
Thank you Kati! So much nurturing connective' you so graciously evoke' for your followers and All! 'May Blessings always be with you and your family'🕊️🖖
I'm new to your channel and I found this video very interesting. I come from multiple abuse and I have lots of trauma. Thank you so much for all that you do.
I havent felt this way since i was 18 and now im 36. I chose a confidante who completely betrayed me after dating a series of women with bpd, and now the abandonment anxiety is back in full. It stacks on adoption, homeschooling due to abuse, moving miles out of town and not having anyone to hang out with without a 5 mi bike ride one way, which was alot at age 7. I just want to get back to stable, back to feeling like myself. This feels like a unique orportunity to heal and im here for it. I want balance again.
Wow a comprehensive analysis of our relationship styles and relationship patterns. I agree balance is required for relationships to be healthy. We can't drain other people of their time and energies. We need to respect ourselves and understand the needs of others. Thanks for this video.
Almost my entire dating experience has been wowing my S/O in the beginning only to get the "I'm not ready" or some form of them saying they don't feel as strongly as they believed I did. It was weird because although I may have very much been into them I wasn't "in love" or even past the vetting stage with them. It wasn't until recently (I'm 27) that I realized the messages I was sending, in efforts to get them to sooth my anxiety, were coming across as being more into them than I actually was and as needy. This journey has been eye opening asf ngl
It's like having a helpless puppy constantly clung to your foot 24/7 . You can't imagine how emotionally draining this can be for an avoidant type . Save yourselves the heartache, and just stay away from avoidants in general .
My best friend is too needy and I'm just the opposite - extreme loner/very independent. I have to say it's absolutely exhausting. We have a lot of relationship problems. We are like an old married couple who should probably break up, but we have been together for 25 years.
If you don’t mind me asking, out of curiosity, as I’m in a similar situation I’d like advice for. What’s kept you with them? What’s made you want to still be around them if you guys are so different?
@@TheDarkestStarRMS2it’s okay, just wanted to know your reasoning. But still appreciate your answer :) I can say the same as to why I’m still with my best friend too.
I’ve observed and read about the tendency of anxious and avoidant people often pairing together as couples, in sometimes an emotional cat & mouse manner. Any thoughts on this?
I recently learned abt attachment styles & I found out I fall into the anxious attachment category. It didn't make sense at first cuz I didn't have any experiences from my childhood that could make me feel this way. I discovered that I most likely developed it from someone I saw as a good friend who one day just physically left me to hang out with other people & we never spoke again. This happened back in late 2023. It's now June 2024, and I'm friends with a whole new amazing person, but I still find myself suffering from anxious attachment whenever they don't text me back. It sucks cuz I don't want to feel this way, but idk how to fix it.
I’m needy but play it off like im not and fool everyone yet i suffer terribly in any relationship even when they securely validate me. I feel alone when im with someone, always. No matter how good they are to me. All i do is suffer.
Apparently I'm not needy enough. My ex told me "you're super independent, you don't need anyone, you like me for me because I have nothing to offer you that you don't already have." I guess men want to feel like a savior or something, so I have to dumb myself down to make them feel good.
You're too needy!" "oh yeah? You're too cold and emotionally unavailable!" ...and there you are. But the above, to me, seems like the need for communication and affection. I think we'd all be better off if we paid more attention to this very early on (1st six dates). If it isn't running smoothly by then, then you'll likely keep fighting about it later. You should have dumped that person as you are NOT compatible in communication or lust-levels or affection. But there's also another big consideration. Also about neediness: 1. DO NOT- have any "Honey-do list". Not at all. If you are concerned about "division of labor" and who does what, then map it out, calmly, in a organized and fair SYSTEM you both create. Then, stick to it. But none of this manipulating, guilt-inducing: "if you loved me you would do.... That's why you're called needy. 2. DON'T throw a bunch of "little Naggings" at your sweetie. "Honey, can you get this? Can you run to the store and get that? No! YOU do it. Unless they are already going to the store on their own without you asking them, anyway. My Uncle was a pain-in-the-*ss with: A) I would have the keys-in-my-hand, about to go out the door and THEN he would chime in with: Hey, while yer out can you stop by the,,,,and get.... NO. I'm going to be gone. All Day. I'm not sure what time exactly tonight I'll be back. And I have many, many things I wanna get to, and places to go, today. There is only so much time. (Anything to cause a delay or make things take longer or just get in the way). This just interferes with my plans to maximize and enjoy my day. Besides, YOU have a car and have all day yourself. You don't even have any plans for today. Why dump it on me? (Don't be needy that way). 3. STOP asking your lover to do things you are capable of doing yourself! That, is neediness. And don't make him/her feel guilty with "if you really cared about me, you would" . . . Avoiding these 3 will immediately go a long way to REDUCING what your sweetie perceives as Neediness, in you! YOU can help carry-in the groceries, open the door for each other, etc...but basically, both of you, "do it yourself"...if you make dishes, you wash 'em. Those are, hands down, "the Big 3". A 4th would be: stop asking for constant reassurance. Have some Confidence. Again, early on,after six dates, you should already see this in the other person. If you are not then, compatible, with that person's "level", it will likely stay a problem area. But those are negative things not to do. What is a positive thing you CAN do? "Little surprise gifts"..i.e...flowers, her favorite wine, a weekend at the beach, etc. Also, turn the TV waaayy down, and just listen, quietly, when he/she wants to talk. (But don't let the "need to talk" become a needing-constant-reassurance thing). If you can FEEL relaxed about talking openly, anytime, as if you were two best-friend 3rd graders who didn't worry about it, then you're getting somewhere.
Doctor recently a boy has been running through a situation in which he is working in a hospital and ID was expired he went to the security show up his ID the security people ask questions but in rude manner after 2 minutes the boy become angry cause he studied human behaviour during his graduation days that they wanted him to be angry, when boy speaks to them in loud voice they said that now we want let you pass just go , on second day the boy speaks in normal voice but they again make him to be angry and didn't let him to pass but this time the told him that your ID is expired that's why we won't let you pass , here question is should a power be given to the people that have zero percent tolerance??? or no , cause many people who got power uses it in illegal manner
I was accused of being needy by my NPD spouse. I actually was not, but he used that as an excuse to push me away. Then I became anxiously attached because I didn't understand what he was doing. He's my ex now, so good riddance.
Although I'm liking this video so far after 3.33 minutes. I'm getting negative vibes about the phrase "too needy"and I don't like it. I personally think that living in a promiscuous, adulturous anything goes world we need to constantly be reassured by our gf, wife or partner that we are their number 1 priority. Its not a negative thing, it solidifys a trusting relationship and both sides need to be" needy"in order to feel secure. Constant reafirming of our love and devotion devotion to each other fulfills that need.
I wouldn't label myself as an anxious person, I've had relationships were I felt avoidant too when I didn't feel strongly enough about someone, I feel I get anxiously attached when my partner is avoidant, I agree I don't have enough things to keep me busy and lack a support system, I've been single for a long time so I long for closeness and intimacy, I'm in a relationship now with an avoidant partner and am wondering if it is a healthy thing for me to be in, it feels like being single again would stabalize me again, but then again that's probably my defence mechanisme? It's hard to figure out what is best to do. Good thing is my partner recgonizes she's fearful avoidant and is willing to work on it.
So I free with how I feel and sometimes need support. I’ve always been independent and learned to deal (or that’s what I thought I was doing). As an adult, I have two friends. A friend who is married and always busy and what I’d consider my closest friend. She has the avoidance type you mentioned. Keeps things bottled up tighter than Fort Knox. She also avoids anyone, including me, if they are having a meltdown or breakdown over something. She won’t talk because she doesn’t know what to say. This leaves me feeling abandoned, rejected, and even worse. Even when we share similar life experiences. Her parents died in the same year, mine followed two years later within a year. It just blows my mind that she can’t think of a single thing to say to me when I’m upset about it. This also happens during conflict. I start in with the “I feel” and she won’t say anything. It’s like pulling teeth. I do understand her reasoning for reacting how she does just as I have mine, but yeah it makes me very unstable at times and have negative thoughts (on meds been in therapy for decades but not always working). She is my best friend but it’s very hard to be.
Kati, is there ever a legitimate reason a therapist would NOT do couples counseling in their real life? My ex is a therapist and I asked her for 8 months to join me in therapy. She was openly proud of herself for never seeking therapy despite obtaining a masters in therapy and not working on her family trauma while growing up. We went to one session together and I felt the need to end the relationship afterwards because I realized she wasn’t up to the task of looking inwardly and relationally. I’ve never understood this.
As a new therapist myself I couldn’t imagine being a therapist without having my own therapist. It’s a difficult, emotionally draining job that requires a lot of ourselves to be brought into the dynamic. Self care and personal therapy have been so crucial for me in this process.
I have it bad this girl has avoidment. She keeps ignoring me knowing how i feel and how it hurts me. Now im at point ive completly been turned off by her coldness and shes dead to me
I hate myself for being anxious! I feel like its all my fault and I shouldve done better, its my responsibility to always give 100%! I was in a relationship with an avoidant and at first everything went great, I did everything I could do help my partner and a healthy relationship. But at one point it went downhill when I got severely disabled which made me even more anxious and I guess triggering her avoidance (so its my fault) I communicated so much also always in I statements i tried to find a solution, to help us and her to fix our problems and fight for the relationship! I was ready to work on myself Im also in therapy now and I wanted to do better! But she didnt want to work on herself or go to therapy and left me instead! I feel like its all my fault! I shouldve done better ! I was too needy!
I needed this so thank you for bumping it.. Im dealing with a dangerous breakdown right now in my mental health in part because of a friendship ending and... looking at my life I struggle with anxious attachment. I can say growing up six, I think? "best friends" moved in a three year time span, verbally abused by an after school caregiver, and my parents were always busier with my other subbings. i tend to hold on right to friends these days... do you have any additional resources I can look at?
My avoidant ex told me she can't love me in the way I need to be loved. Told everyone else in her life she felt guilty. Avoidants make you anxious. I'm comfortable in the belief that she's right. Healing recovery.
I feel like I'm being very needy right now. I'm an anxious attachment style. I have pulled myself towards secure attachment but I'm dating a man who is also anxious and has codependency and borderline. He has treated me not so good and has shown me little empathy so I'm in limbo and don't know how to be... I see he's working hard to correct his flaws but it's also so triggering to my anxious attachment. I'm feeling anti social and fearing trusting him again. I don't want to neglect my instincts, he's come across as dishonest because his self awareness wasn't there so he didn't realize his lacking empathy issue for a while... my heart is afraid to trust him again... but he's the most self aware man I've met who is also capable and desiring growth... I'm just tired and feeling my emotions are too heavy for us both at this time... 😪
@Sinner-G it's not good, he turned out to also have paranoid personality disorder and he has constantly accused me of dishonesty to the point I am getting him out of my life.
No , it's not okay. It's not okay at all to have an anxious attachment style. Because when almost every relationship you can build leads you to become dependent from it, and you naturally like to be independent, then you find out that when people actually give you everything you want and need and deserve (the love you ask, every possible attention and reassurance you ask for), you are not happy anyway, you realise you aren't or never were in love with them, leave them and be like "thank you so much but I'm not in love, I'm sorry, best wishes", and move on with your life like nothing happened. Why do I do this? Like when I receive all the love I've always looked for in my life, I don't feel anything.. But when it's denied to me I end up chasing it. What the heck?! I hate this mechanism in my head.. That's why now I'm afraid of every possible relationship and I avoid them completely, cause it's always me taking too much and leave people heartbroken for years, or myself not receiving anything and end up broken for years. How do I figure all this out?
thanks. great video. i feel absolutely related to this but i had only one relationship so far and i dont get that far of having another relationship. i hear from friends that they can see how needy i am and thats why people try to escape as soon as they see that, according to my friends. i desperately would love to meet people/girls. some of them give me great compliments, but as soon as i tell them i would love to get more/deeper they get away or ghost me. thats very terrible. maybe you have some great answer to this?
If I'm an anxious attachment person so I need assurance for the child inside me but others won't give me like before so how can you give something that's already lost in the past??? Its been already shaped like that. Is it possible to turn back what was lost in the past ??? That's what I canr get.
there's two things I have a question about and I don't fully see them answered on your channel 1. is there a term for when your eyes unfocus and you just stare and do everything on autopilot? I still do my job but I'm not there and usually I'm not thinking anything either it's like my hard drive is just full 2. how do you deal with certain attachment... eg. I have this drivers ed teacher that by now I've known for 2 years lol, about to take my exam on monday and if I pass that will mean I lose him, he's easy to talk to, we laugh a lot together and since the passing of my dad he started to feel like a second father to me and I don't know what to do? accept that I'll lose him (which would feel like losing my dad again kinda) or ask his number? or is that weird cause he's still my teacher kinda though we both are adults and we both have a partner so it shouldn't be too weird
Okay so my therapist did an evaluation on me recently where I scored as having an Anxious-Avoidant attachment style…….. wtf does that mean? Like it makes sense but I would like to hear more from an external source to make sure I understand it.
Hmmm.... @65 me & 67 him I know I am a needy partner due to disabilities. I have several limitations and it is keeping me from completing all I should be doing. necessity versus needy when does the line cross and should it matter?
Kati how dod i know if i have anorexia or binge eating disorder because i am 17 pounds underweight and tend to starve myself for multiple days on end while also binge eating a ton it just doesnt make sense to me
I'm not needy at all. I tried to get my ex to go out on his own with his friend. Yeah, he had just one. Never questioned him the next morning. If I went out with friends, I would get 5th degree the next day. Like I ssid my ex.
I must be the only person in the world with anxious attachment that had a completely fine childhood. It spawned after my highschool sweetheart I was with and married to for a total of 14 years. I feel like I don’t relate to any of these help videos. It sucks. 😂
Katy you’re so gentle. I remember watching your first videos always triggered me, yet I knew deep down you were touching inside a deep wound that I had, and didn’t want to confront. I love you🩷🤍🩵
Hi Kati, I haven’t watched you for a long time but I need some advice. Two of my best friends got into a massive argument/disagreement, and both are want to end their amazing friendship. But I know they can solve this problem is they just talk it out and understand one another. However, neither are willing to talk it out. What do I do?
If I have a crush on you, like love at first sight… it’s not creepy, right?? You’re emotional and intelligent, but so damned pretty. Watching the videos, and getting emotional myself like looking in a mirror, I’m thinking… “twin flame”?
I act like I'm totally okay, but I have a crush on a woman. I wish I could die in her loving arms, but I don’t have the guts to tell her. She's married too. I will die alone, which I'm okay with most of the time. No Serial Killer.
Doctor what a man should do if he knew that his own family uncles and aunties ran after your life didn't want you to be happy block your immigration pathways like dogs
What you say is your opinion, it’s not fact try not to perceive it to be, therapist can only redirect thoughts, many people, such as myself do not want to think the way you want me tot think God gave us free mind, and free will, you are not God!!! 0:19
I am not needy at all, i just have to cope with people who killed my caregiver ruined my house, because i work for them and i need money for living thats all
Have you ever felt like this? I would love to hear your experience in the comments. ❤ I have more related videos and helpful links in my description.
No i did not sadly. Can I ask you a question. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and autism but I don't know how to deal with it. If I try to talk to someone else about it it always backfired and made me feel like I my problem is not good enough reason to worry. And I tried to kill myself for 7 years and failed. please help me Katie in the right direction.
Hi Katie i just want to tell you that thank you very much for all your videos it helped me a lot. So thank you for all your help
Kati, this was fairly useful. Thank you.
It would have been helpful if you'd introduced the video by stating your definition of "neediness" and typical behaviours one might do as a needy person.
Being needy is a subjective concept, as you know, so defining your terms at the start would have been very helpful. 😊
Doctor why your own family uncles and aunties didn't want you to be happy, does this happens in your country as well??
I see anxious attachment in myself but not with everyone, just my boyfriend. I typically hear from him several times a day and when I don't I'm a hot mess the entire day until I do hear from him. It's exhausting honestly.
Double whammy when you are shamed for being needy. I have been told many times to pull my act together and to chill. Only my fellow anxious attachment people know how miserable the whole experience. A simple thing like not getting a reply triggers a wildfire inside my head.
I hear you and feel you, Shree.... And that self-loathing we'd feel when we open up and express our needs in as loving and respectful manner as we can... And then a voice within us telling/asking us, 'you're asking for too much', or 'what makes you think you're worth it'... The painful part of it is when those people who supposedly love us chide us for asking for a bit more reassurance... I understand if we're expecting the other person to spend all their non-working time with us and suffocating them, then that's unsustainable... #sigh#
It's reassuring (ironically) to know i am not the only one who gets triggered from text messages
your neediness should not be your partner's problem to solve. if you're going to put that on them, all your stress and your burden over things like a text message not being responded to, you are not ready for a relationship. you need to examine exactly why you want someone at your beck and call. it's not because you're looking for a healthy relationship. it's because you want to take the easy way out of emotional labour and put it all on someone else. you probably don't do it intentionally, but having BEEN on the other side of an anxiously attached person shaming ME for not catering to their needs 24/7 and forgoing my own, claiming that i don't care and never put in effort when i tried to establish healthy boundaries... yeah...
it's emotional abuse. even worse, its emotional abuse that so many anxiously attached people insist is just "society/people not treating them right". look at the comments here for instance. so few people actually admit to the fact that being anxiously attached is a DISORDERED attachment style for a reason. if you're not working towards changing, you're basically just saying "yeah i'm going to hurt people and i don't care! everyone is wrong, not me!". its awful.
How did you overcome this please
Yup, 💯%. 🙌🏻
It hurts to imagine life without my man. I never thought it would come to this point where I might have to let go. I know this may not be the right place to share this, but I feel like I’m gradually losing myself, and I don’t know what to do. I’m holding tightly to the beautiful moments we shared, and I sincerely hope he finds happiness.
I completely understand how you feel. I went through something similar when my long term relationship ended. It felt like my heart was shattered, and no matter how much time passed, I couldn’t let go of the memories. I tried everything to get him back talking to friends for advice, even writing letters I never sent. Eventually, I found help through fatherabulu, who came through for me and helped me get my man back.
Wow, this really gives me hope. How can I get in touch with him?
Thank you so much! 🙏 You’re right sharing really does bring solutions. I’m so grateful.
Personally, I find that "needy" people are just traumatized humans that require a liiittle extra care yet society doesn't want to budge&treat us like we're deserving humans. We are though. I need reassurance from my partner&I communicate openly but society is rampant with abusers&sadly it doesn't matter who you are, once an abuser has you, they'll abuse you however they wish.
Sorry if this turns out long, but I don’t know that I really agree with this idea.
There are plenty of avoidant people who went through incredibly traumatic things that took a tremendous toll and who would need a lot of help, but who are the opposite of needy because they’re so used to their needs not being met that they don’t even ask or realize it’s an option to.
On the other hand, there are plenty of people who may be traumatized to whatever extent, but who also grow complacent with always externalizing their emotions and getting people to navigate them through even their most minor issues, even growing to expect it, even to the point of forcing it on others, “embellishing” reality to fit their feelings, and punishing or blaming others for not responding to them well, quickly, or enthusiastically enough. That’s not just trauma.
I totally agree that there’s a correlation between “neediness” and trauma. In my experience, almost everyone has a breaking point at which the situation becomes so overwhelming and the trauma so great that they become “needy”. However, those whose baseline is being needy are by no means necessarily those who are the most traumatized. Just the ones who were never given sufficient tools (and what sufficient means depends on the person) to learn how to deal with their emotions themselves, and often even to learn that they should.
People can be “needy” because they’re genuinely dealing with hell and don’t know which way is up, but also because they were never taught to be independent and don’t even know they’re supposed to know which way is up without someone telling them and carrying them to the top.
@@EIizabethGrace “ I don’t know that I agree” don’t argue on the internet like this at nothing I don’t agree either. U wouldn’t say all this irl but go off
@@EIizabethGrace no. Extreme codependency and extreme counter dependency are just two sides of a traumatic coin. Don’t dismiss trauma that you don’t understand
This!
@@EIizabethGraceactly. I am a fear avoidance and why/how ask for needs to be met when people will just abandon you anyway 😞. It's not like they are going to comfort or assure you if you express that you need them and that you feel lonely etc....they will just leave. Everyone does it, plain and simple. Perhaps if you are a man or a lesbian you can say these things because some women are more compassionate and understanding of emotional needs, but if you act this way with a guy he will just leave
I have an anxious attachment style. And I'm really, really hard on myself about it... I communicated my needs to my partner today and it was really scary. I feel like I ask for so much from him. He is frustrated that it seems like I can't trust that he loves me - of course he put this in a really kind way. It's just hard because he shows me love, comforts me, calls me nearly every day... and I seem to fixate on the little things he does "wrong" and use them as proof that he may not really love me. And he just wants me to feel loved and stop questioning his feelings! He tells me he loves me all the time, why is my fear of abandonment still so strong?
Well.... Not to be cliche, but my dad abandoned me. And he was always really loving and emotionally affectionate. He just couldn't be there for me in reality. So now, I love being loved, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel like love is enough to keep someone from leaving me. I don't value verbal reassurance the way I should. I'm extremely sensitive to broken promises, even little ones. I get really unnerved when my partner is late or needs to reschedule our plans. I think, "He loves me, but does he want to be with me? Is he willing to make an effort?" And I get anxious until I can talk to him again, usually in tears.
Gosh! I can relate so much!! It's like the moment I cannot see a visible proof of his love (i.e. me/ him going to work and got separated) my mind just started swirling with doubts. I would very much like to stop questioning his feelings too..if only there's a one-cures-all
reading you was like I was telling my own story. ❤
How does your partner deal with these issues ? Everything you’ve described is how I am, especially being sensitive to broken promises, as minute as they can be.
In my case I am triggered by anxiously attached people. In my mind I label them as toxic people. We all should aim to be securely attached I think. If I see that you just keep demanding and demanding, as opposed to keeping a balance between asking others to take care of your needs vs caring of your needs yourself, I am out. EVERYONE has fears and needs, and I find it is unfair that I have to deal with same or similar issues than someone who just easily gets all their needs covered by demanding other peoples energy. Alternatively, meeting another anxiously attached person may help.
@@BioRosODMDo you think two anxiously attached people would help each other improve or just enable each other?
Running into people who are deceptive and just want to use you while dealing with this attachment style/wound is literally hell. Add battling depression and anxiety to this equation.
I hope you are doing well in your healing ❤
SERIOUSLY. you can even see their mindset in this comment section. "oh other people made me like this :( no society is just treating us anxiously attached people poorly :( its not our fault :(" like this EXACT rhetoric is how my ex tried to guilt me into staying with him and putting up with his emotional abuse while he used me to feel good about himself. it was alllll about him all the time. seeing his exact talking points and attitude in this comment section was such a shock.
Yes, because if you’re anxiously attached, leaving toxic people or people who don’t love you is extra difficult
I never used to be that way, but dated a couple women back to back who jumped to someone else after going a little quiet. Ever since, whenever someone gets a little quiet I start getting anxious. Before I'd just think "Oh they're busy," but now my mind runs wild.
So sorry to hear that. Such a shame 😢.
same as me. what strategies have you used?
@@VC_333 It's gotten a little better for me recently. I worked on myself a little and improved my appearance and my dating profile and it has become easier to get dates, and it seems that along with that has come additional confidence that leads to me being less anxious and quick on the trigger to jump to conclusions. Now when someone goes a little quiet I'll find myself thinking "Well, we had a good time and I think she felt the same - but if she doesn't it wasn't meant to be and I'll meet someone else." It wasn't even a much of a conscious effort to be more rational and think along these lines, it just seemed to come naturally along with the increased interest I was getting. So while that is not an easy answer, I do think it is the best method (and explains why it comes naturally to some people). Since my initial post I dated someone for about a month and it went great, but then she flaked out on me in a crazy way - I was disappointed, but relatively content to let her go (given that she was apparently nuts). After about a week I texted a follow up to see if she still felt the same (in case she was just having a bad day, as we all do). She said she did, so I wished her good luck, and began dating someone else immediately (which also lasted about a month). Anyway, sorry for the long response, but since you said you were in the same boat, I thought it might be helpful. Work on your confidence and self-worth and I think with some patience, success (or at least peace of mind) will follow. Have a date tonight, wish me luck! Best wishes to you.
any advice ?
Right. when i felt anxious attachment activation, it was only in situations that were confusing or harmful for me. Attachment anxiety is a sign of being incompatible with a person or situation, a sign you’re compromising your boundaries, or a sign what their words are saying doesn’t align with their actions.
I feel both too needy and avoidant......i try not to get close to people past my boundaries, because once I get to trusting someone, i want that reassurance, and that's typically where things come apart from me
Anyone who needs reassurance should get it whenever they need it.... If I'm in a relationship I need to feel like I am.. If I need reassurance, it's bcuz my partner has me feeling some type of way by their behavior.... That they wanna act like is normal.....
I’m very much the same. When I meet someone, things are fine because they’re “friendly level.” But when the threshold is crossed, and we become closer, I find myself needing reassurance and being very anxious when we’re not talking. It pushes people away, so I typically self destruct and end the relationship because in my mind it was going to happen anyway. And then I feel the worst because I hurt someone and I repeated the pattern to hurt myself.
The research on attachment theory suggests that all avoidants are anxious who have learned to suppress their anxiety with avoidant behavior as a defense mechanism. So avoidant is the hardest place to heal from tbh because on the path to healing you'll become anxious again until you get the right kind of reassurance
@@alexleung842which book did you get it from? And how to heal from anxious attachment?
I have an anxious attachment style, and a strong fear of abandonment, but I keep getting abandoned, so I'm never able to feel safe around anyone. My father left us, my mother died when I was young, and my girlfriend who was my favorite person and safety net left me. Friends lose interest, and I don't know why, maybe I'm too much. I try to be better, and I go to therapy, but I struggle so much to relax and have a nice day feeling safe, because I'm constantly afraid of being abandoned, rejected, left out, forgotten. I have such strong need for emotional closeness and I find it nowhere. I'm a 33 year old man. I'm supposed to suck it up and hang out with buddies. I need closeness, I need hugs, appreciation, compliments. I need space to be a person who worry and overthink. I need support when I am low or when I act in a distressed manner, either with worry, overthinking or just stress. I have no space anywhere to be myself. I cry myself to sleep. Therapist have me fill forms. How am I supposed to be strong and feel that I have worth and that I matter? I don't know if I'm asking Kati or if I'm just venting. I am just sharing, because I have nowhere else to go with this.
I understand you because I struggle with the same thing. It’s hard when your love language is touch but your partners often takes l it from you as a punishment but expect you to comply with their love such as communication.
I cried reading this. I fell the same... all my life people just left me for being to much. I tried my best to change and I did but it's it's never enough. I keep getting into relationships with people that don't care about me and use me for my body even if I tell them that I need to be loved. I love myself and my life and I got so much better that I use to be but dating it's still very hard and I get way to emotional. I don't need anyone to save me but it will be nice to have someone that genuinely loves me and care for me without having to beg for it. I hope you'll find love and be loved bc you deserve it. And I hope I do too.
@@salisasmeditation4012 thank you, I feel better and stronger now. Therapy has helped alot, and I have befriended some failed Tinder matches 😅 at least someone close to hang and talk with :)
@@agirlhasnoname2077 thank you and same to you 🫂 the fact that you wrote this is proof that you are a sweet person worthy of love 🩵
Same bro! Let’s be friends. Lol
Once I remember that my needs are valid and wanting to have them recognized doesn't make me a monster, it becomes a lot easier to not get upset about people that, for whatever reasons, cannot give me that reassurance. Thank you ❤
I have come a long way in my anxious attachment. My emotions were always dismissed so I have constantly questioned if what I was feeling was even okay. I started off feeling needy and over time I did cultivate my own interests and learned some hidden gifts I had. And over time my husband (avoidant) has opened up, but we are currently going through some of these old feelings and it has been very difficult. I appreciate how this was reflected in the video which instead of making me feel like I am a horrible person for wanting to be loved, I can realize that it's just that I want to be recognized that my feelings do matter. Thank you so much for this.
Here's my two cents. My parents were aloof and distant and never showed affection and love to me. Now that I'm a grown up woman I like to communicate with caring people who are willing to give me the extra love and attention I've always needed. It's a mutual way to compensate for not feeling loved as a child. This makes some people feel love-deprived and in need to finally feel love and attention. Also, a "needy" person is "needy" only when his partner isn't comfortable with giving a lot of love and affection. It's just all about finding the partner who needs to give and receive the same amount of attention we do. Relationships are different and there isn't one perfect and set healthy level of affection, it's about what the 2 people involved need and want to give and receive.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 THIS
I respectfully disagree on the part of finding a partner who gives us extra love etc. - this way we're prolonging our being anxiously attached. the goal is not to find such a partner with whom we'd be in a codependency, the goal is healing, becoming secure and finding a stable relationship where we're stable partners too
@@soothingwisdom273 I'm no longer anxiously attached because me and my partner give each other what we need and this slowly creates secure attachment. Still, it's about finding the right partner who feels good with this and wants what you want as a level of attachment and love.
@@soothingwisdom273 having soothing is how we reach that goal. Like parents coming every time a baby cries builds secure attachment. It has to be learned. And it can be expedited in relationships through love and also healthy boundaries. Extra affirmation is not enabling codependency.
@@tucky3191 I was referring to the original comment . What they describe invites codependency big time imo
When people stop initiating contact, I'll automatically assume it's because they've grown tired of me forever. And because I have this dangerous assumption, I stop contacting them as well. In the end, my assumptions always become reality. So while I definitely have an anxious attachment, part of me subconsciously has an avoidant attachment as well. The thinking being: why bother starting relationships when they always fall apart anyway?
It's easier to fall from the 1st floor than the penthouse. Or better yet, if you never go up, there's nowhere to fall. That is an analogy for loneliness.
When people stop initiating contact it means they are not interested in you, simple as that. So why would you be interested in someone who is not interested in YOU? Move on!
They are doing you a favor and showing you the red flag. Someone who is not ACTIVELY investing in you.....ditch them! There are many fish in the sea
@@reflectioninthesnow7953 This is great advice, but when you've been alone for so long, you get lonely. And even an artificial connection feels better.
It was like me. I always end up alone and lonely. I dont like the idea of fall in love. But i cant help it... sometimes i neeed to feel loved to.
Why bother starting relationships when they always fall apart?
For the good times until then. Everything ends eventually one way or the other. But we can enjoy it while it lasts. And if it is over, we can let it go, being sad that it ends, but being thankful that it happened.
I feel like I'm kind of both anxious and avoidant. Initially I keep people at arms length. I really do, I worry that they'll then want to do everything with me and I'll lose control (I think). But then like a switch goes and i fall for them and then become anxious. Thank you for this video Katy, it's helped me to figure a few things out.
I have experienced something similar and it does suck a lot. No advise, just compassion here 😅 have a nice day, stranger.
0:02 the way you say 'too needy' is exactly the same way Kermit would say 🤣🤣🤣 Love your videos! ❤
had a horrible day yesterday and i lost people who i thoughts were my friends. thank you so much for this video ♡
Let's be friends
This attachment series has come at the perfect time for me as I've just been introduced to this concept in therapy - and wow, what a revelation! I relate all of the anxious attachment signs in this video and although it is currently causing me a lot of anguish within my relationships with others, it feels such a huge relief to finally put a name to what I've always experienced but never been able to fully articulate or understand. This video has really helped me to understand some of my anxious attachment behaviour patterns and enlightened a particularly difficult period I'm going through with a friend - who I've now identified as an avoidant. I've been following you for years but this is the first video I've commented on. Thank you, Kati!
I needed to hear your bit about not accepting all the blame and shame for the unhealthy anxious-avoidant dynamic.
This is the video I really need now. Sometimes, I really do come off as needy.
I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
@@Katimorton it was. Thanks
Don't need the video, want the video
@@Aigentcy okay
Thank you so much for this insightful video! Past or current traumas may have some effect as well when it comes to "neediness" or "clinginess," healing from trauma also takes time to do, requiring patience and kindness toward yourself.❤
Thanks!
I'm a very calm relaxed person, I've been meditating every day for a many years. I was never anxious until I got with an avoidant womam. My advice, avoid avoidants at all costs, they are extremely destructive to relationships and friendships.
So can be anxiously attached people. I would not generalize. I have met anxiously attached people who only keep demanding and do not respect other peoples boundaries. It's all about them. And the funniest part is, their problems are always the worst. Many are also manipulative to get what they want or need. So I would rather say: let's all aim to be securely attached. Alternatively, meet someone with same attachment style as you 😂
I thought i was on the path of becoming more secure and didn’t even identify as anxiously attached after learning about attachment style theories & reading the book. I thought i was somewhat insecure but not anxious. Then after getting mind effed by an avoidant and couple years of being in emotional pain and confusion I thought i was anxiously attached. Even wondered if i have some mental illness. But no, now i think i had intolerance for that particular toxic person who due to being unhealthy kept confusing me in the worst ways. I had dealt with rejections before that and it wasn’t that confusing or anxious attachment inducing.
I've been needy in almost every relationship in my life. A big part of that, I think, is because of my ADHD. One of the things you mention (like being influenced by messages I've got through my life) is relevant too, but having hyperemotionality and a desperate search for dopamine is the primary aspect of it for me.
It's something quite a few of my ADHD friends struggle with too - we tend to be a lot more intense in all of our relationships and desires, and finding places where and people with whom we can comfortably display that level of intensity is rare. It's... a difficult thing to balance, and something I (and we) are still struggling with. And we probably always will - but we're still making progress and gaining understanding about how to deal with these struggles better.
dude grow some coconuts
My man, I suffer from extreme ADHD also. I had to take ritalin for it but recently stopped because it was making me feel like I was being too absorbed into my activities. I know how it goes, you think about something non stop and you feel like it's always the down fall of whatever you're thinking because you think you are too much or you are too focused on someone. I always think I am doing osmething wrong when a certain person doesn't respond back the same pace that I do and often times I imagine that they don't like me or want to spend time with me.
As much as it sucks, it is a step by step process.....
It is hard to be optimistic especially when you're reaching out to someone you really want to be with but they are not on the same page as you.
Just keep going!
You look great in Orange 🍊, thank you for being so normal , logical, solid! I appreciate you
my partner broke up with me 3 weeks ago because he thinks i’m needy and he feels like it’s unhealthy.
thank you for this. i think being more aware will help me :)
Sorry to hear this. What helped was Katie saying to take inventory of all your relationships. If only some people view you this way, you may not be needy.
This was a really helpful video for me. I've understood the general concept of attachment styles, but talking through the potential causes and strategies helped me (in this moment, at least) reframe my perception. I feel guilty for being needy in my few close friendships, especially with friends of the opposite sex who aren't my romantic partner, which has kept me from properly communicating those needs to those friends. But if I really drill down I can separate those needs from romantic ones which takes a lot of the guilt out of the equation.
You aren't too needy you are with a partner that doesn't give enough of themselves for you to be happy. Find another "anxious attached" and be happy.
Thank You! Very well done, informative, and your tone was perfect!
Good video - oh I avoid so makes me super needy in the end I guess - mostly just hate everyone keep my distance and push people away in a perfectly self-sabotaging way - trying to control my emotions mostly just anger shame and toxicity
I need a video that's the opposite of this, one for being too distant haha. I never understood why just because I was dating someone I had to see them every day and do everything with them, but everyone always has acted like I'm a freak for wanting to have space and time to myself so apparently I'm too distant.
That could be the another type of attachment.. avoidant. I could definitely do a video on that style as well :) xoxo And know that you are not a freak at all.. and it could be that you just prefer having some alone time (which I think most people do). xoxo
I second the need for an Avoidant Attachment video! How to heal and be closer in relationships, specifically, without it being so dang threatening or scary.
Healthy people don't expect you to see someone every day and do everything with them.
@Kati Morton would you perhaps be willing to consider doing a miniseries on the four attachment styles? I find your videos incredibly helpful as a starting point for further research and self discovery.
Katie, I've been watching your videos since 2018 and shortly after started therapy! I love seeing how your videos have changed! I love the editing of this one! And you've also helped me learn a ton about myself, so thank you!! ❤
Aww I am so glad my videos have been helpful!! xoxo
Thought this was the case with my wife, she certainly fits the description. We recently learned she's an Aspie Girl on top of it. Thanks for this video, going in my favorites ...
So glad it was helpful!! And yes I can see an ASD diagnosis affecting this as well! xoxo
@@Katimorton Thanks Kati !!! Only attachment figure was inconsistent at best. Back then before they knew autism existed in girls she was just branded a highly emotional child. Sometimes told by her mother go cling on your father for a while, he was the reason she was attempting to cling to her mother.
This is sooo me! I saved this bc I want to watch it again and take notes! Thank you so much!
So your cute smart and caring that's winning.
Ah, this is helpful, and something I have been struggling with. Thank you!
On a side note, your eyebrows are on point 💜
Thank you Kati! So much nurturing connective' you so graciously evoke' for your followers and All! 'May Blessings always be with you and your family'🕊️🖖
I'm new to your channel and I found this video very interesting. I come from multiple abuse and I have lots of trauma. Thank you so much for all that you do.
I can’t think of more important videos than this
I havent felt this way since i was 18 and now im 36. I chose a confidante who completely betrayed me after dating a series of women with bpd, and now the abandonment anxiety is back in full. It stacks on adoption, homeschooling due to abuse, moving miles out of town and not having anyone to hang out with without a 5 mi bike ride one way, which was alot at age 7. I just want to get back to stable, back to feeling like myself. This feels like a unique orportunity to heal and im here for it. I want balance again.
Wow a comprehensive analysis of our relationship styles and relationship patterns. I agree balance is required for relationships to be healthy. We can't drain other people of their time and energies. We need to respect ourselves and understand the needs of others. Thanks for this video.
Thanks for the video Kati 🙌
As the Buddha said tThe root of suffering is attachment.”
And even more so, depends on the type of attachment.
Almost my entire dating experience has been wowing my S/O in the beginning only to get the "I'm not ready" or some form of them saying they don't feel as strongly as they believed I did. It was weird because although I may have very much been into them I wasn't "in love" or even past the vetting stage with them. It wasn't until recently (I'm 27) that I realized the messages I was sending, in efforts to get them to sooth my anxiety, were coming across as being more into them than I actually was and as needy. This journey has been eye opening asf ngl
You are very easy to listen too and offer great advice, have subscribed :-) thank you
It's like having a helpless puppy constantly clung to your foot 24/7 . You can't imagine how emotionally draining this can be for an avoidant type . Save yourselves the heartache, and just stay away from avoidants in general .
My best friend is too needy and I'm just the opposite - extreme loner/very independent. I have to say it's absolutely exhausting. We have a lot of relationship problems. We are like an old married couple who should probably break up, but we have been together for 25 years.
If you don’t mind me asking, out of curiosity, as I’m in a similar situation I’d like advice for. What’s kept you with them? What’s made you want to still be around them if you guys are so different?
@@megalucario6817 Love and habit basically. Sorry I don't really have any advise. 🙁
@@TheDarkestStarRMS2it’s okay, just wanted to know your reasoning. But still appreciate your answer :) I can say the same as to why I’m still with my best friend too.
So you sound avoidant
Get out! It'll drain you and make your body sick.
I’ve observed and read about the tendency of anxious and avoidant people often pairing together as couples, in sometimes an emotional cat & mouse manner. Any thoughts on this?
I'm in one right now and it's awful
i keep trying to heal my anxious attachment style only to keep getting into relationships with avoidant men who make it worse. help.
I recently learned abt attachment styles & I found out I fall into the anxious attachment category. It didn't make sense at first cuz I didn't have any experiences from my childhood that could make me feel this way. I discovered that I most likely developed it from someone I saw as a good friend who one day just physically left me to hang out with other people & we never spoke again. This happened back in late 2023. It's now June 2024, and I'm friends with a whole new amazing person, but I still find myself suffering from anxious attachment whenever they don't text me back. It sucks cuz I don't want to feel this way, but idk how to fix it.
I’m needy but play it off like im not and fool everyone yet i suffer terribly in any relationship even when they securely validate me. I feel alone when im with someone, always. No matter how good they are to me. All i do is suffer.
Thank you for this video.
Apparently I'm not needy enough. My ex told me "you're super independent, you don't need anyone, you like me for me because I have nothing to offer you that you don't already have." I guess men want to feel like a savior or something, so I have to dumb myself down to make them feel good.
You're too needy!"
"oh yeah? You're too cold and emotionally unavailable!"
...and there you are.
But the above, to me, seems like the need for communication and affection. I think we'd all be better off if we paid more attention to this very early on (1st six dates). If it isn't running smoothly by then, then you'll likely keep fighting about it later. You should have dumped that person as you are NOT compatible in communication or lust-levels or affection. But there's also another big consideration. Also about neediness:
1. DO NOT- have any "Honey-do list". Not at all. If you are concerned about "division of labor" and who does what, then map it out, calmly, in a organized and fair SYSTEM you both create. Then, stick to it. But none of this manipulating, guilt-inducing: "if you loved me you would do.... That's why you're called needy.
2. DON'T throw a bunch of "little Naggings" at your sweetie. "Honey, can you get this? Can you run to the store and get that? No! YOU do it. Unless they are already going to the store on their own without you asking them, anyway. My Uncle was a pain-in-the-*ss with:
A) I would have the keys-in-my-hand, about to go out the door and THEN he would chime in with: Hey, while yer out can you stop by the,,,,and get.... NO. I'm going to be gone. All Day. I'm not sure what time exactly tonight I'll be back. And I have many, many things I wanna get to, and places to go, today.
There is only so much time. (Anything to cause a delay or make things take longer or just get in the way).
This just interferes with my plans to maximize and enjoy my day. Besides, YOU have a car and have all day yourself. You don't even have any plans for today. Why dump it on me? (Don't be needy that way).
3. STOP asking your lover to do things you are capable of doing yourself! That, is neediness. And don't make him/her feel guilty with "if you really cared about me, you would" . . .
Avoiding these 3 will immediately go a long way to REDUCING what your sweetie perceives as Neediness, in you! YOU can help carry-in the groceries, open the door for each other, etc...but basically, both of you, "do it yourself"...if you make dishes, you wash 'em.
Those are, hands down, "the Big 3".
A 4th would be: stop asking for constant reassurance. Have some Confidence. Again, early on,after six dates, you should already see this in the other person. If you are not then, compatible, with that person's "level", it will likely stay a problem area.
But those are negative things not to do. What is a positive thing you CAN do? "Little surprise gifts"..i.e...flowers, her favorite wine, a weekend at the beach, etc. Also, turn the TV waaayy down, and just listen, quietly, when he/she wants to talk. (But don't let the "need to talk" become a needing-constant-reassurance thing). If you can FEEL relaxed about talking openly, anytime, as if you were two best-friend 3rd graders who didn't worry about it, then you're getting somewhere.
i really hate how you worded this
@@moorhexe1400same
Doctor recently a boy has been running through a situation in which he is working in a hospital and ID was expired he went to the security show up his ID the security people ask questions but in rude manner after 2 minutes the boy become angry cause he studied human behaviour during his graduation days that they wanted him to be angry, when boy speaks to them in loud voice they said that now we want let you pass just go , on second day the boy speaks in normal voice but they again make him to be angry and didn't let him to pass but this time the told him that your ID is expired that's why we won't let you pass , here question is should a power be given to the people that have zero percent tolerance??? or no , cause many people who got power uses it in illegal manner
This was a very helpful video thank you
Thank you, this was really helpful for me.
I guess sometimes I am too needy. But would the opposite be too independent, to the point of self isolation?
Bingo that’s my fiancé too- dismissive avoidant
Good stuff!
I was accused of being needy by my NPD spouse. I actually was not, but he used that as an excuse to push me away. Then I became anxiously attached because I didn't understand what he was doing. He's my ex now, so good riddance.
❤ thank you for your video!
I didn't even need to watch this to know I am.. alot of it comes from my abandonment issues and the very good chance I have bpd
Great video - thank you 🙏
Of course!!! So glad you liked it :) xoxo
Although I'm liking this video so far after 3.33 minutes. I'm getting negative vibes about the phrase "too needy"and I don't like it.
I personally think that living in a promiscuous, adulturous anything goes world we need to constantly be reassured by our gf, wife or partner that we are their number 1 priority. Its not a negative thing, it solidifys a trusting relationship and both sides need to be" needy"in order to feel secure. Constant reafirming of our love and devotion devotion to each other fulfills that need.
I wouldn't label myself as an anxious person, I've had relationships were I felt avoidant too when I didn't feel strongly enough about someone, I feel I get anxiously attached when my partner is avoidant, I agree I don't have enough things to keep me busy and lack a support system, I've been single for a long time so I long for closeness and intimacy, I'm in a relationship now with an avoidant partner and am wondering if it is a healthy thing for me to be in, it feels like being single again would stabalize me again, but then again that's probably my defence mechanisme? It's hard to figure out what is best to do.
Good thing is my partner recgonizes she's fearful avoidant and is willing to work on it.
So I free with how I feel and sometimes need support. I’ve always been independent and learned to deal (or that’s what I thought I was doing). As an adult, I have two friends. A friend who is married and always busy and what I’d consider my closest friend. She has the avoidance type you mentioned. Keeps things bottled up tighter than Fort Knox. She also avoids anyone, including me, if they are having a meltdown or breakdown over something. She won’t talk because she doesn’t know what to say. This leaves me feeling abandoned, rejected, and even worse. Even when we share similar life experiences. Her parents died in the same year, mine followed two years later within a year. It just blows my mind that she can’t think of a single thing to say to me when I’m upset about it. This also happens during conflict. I start in with the “I feel” and she won’t say anything. It’s like pulling teeth. I do understand her reasoning for reacting how she does just as I have mine, but yeah it makes me very unstable at times and have negative thoughts (on meds been in therapy for decades but not always working). She is my best friend but it’s very hard to be.
Kati, is there ever a legitimate reason a therapist would NOT do couples counseling in their real life? My ex is a therapist and I asked her for 8 months to join me in therapy. She was openly proud of herself for never seeking therapy despite obtaining a masters in therapy and not working on her family trauma while growing up. We went to one session together and I felt the need to end the relationship afterwards because I realized she wasn’t up to the task of looking inwardly and relationally. I’ve never understood this.
As a new therapist myself I couldn’t imagine being a therapist without having my own therapist. It’s a difficult, emotionally draining job that requires a lot of ourselves to be brought into the dynamic. Self care and personal therapy have been so crucial for me in this process.
I have it bad this girl has avoidment. She keeps ignoring me knowing how i feel and how it hurts me. Now im at point ive completly been turned off by her coldness and shes dead to me
I hate myself for being anxious! I feel like its all my fault and I shouldve done better, its my responsibility to always give 100%! I was in a relationship with an avoidant and at first everything went great, I did everything I could do help my partner and a healthy relationship. But at one point it went downhill when I got severely disabled which made me even more anxious and I guess triggering her avoidance (so its my fault) I communicated so much also always in I statements i tried to find a solution, to help us and her to fix our problems and fight for the relationship! I was ready to work on myself Im also in therapy now and I wanted to do better! But she didnt want to work on herself or go to therapy and left me instead! I feel like its all my fault! I shouldve done better ! I was too needy!
If she doesnt fight for the relationship as you do. But you were the only one fighting for it she didnt derserve you.
I needed this so thank you for bumping it.. Im dealing with a dangerous breakdown right now in my mental health in part because of a friendship ending and... looking at my life I struggle with anxious attachment. I can say growing up six, I think? "best friends" moved in a three year time span, verbally abused by an after school caregiver, and my parents were always busier with my other subbings. i tend to hold on right to friends these days...
do you have any additional resources I can look at?
I’m in a new relationship and I’m struggling ☹️
My avoidant ex told me she can't love me in the way I need to be loved. Told everyone else in her life she felt guilty. Avoidants make you anxious. I'm comfortable in the belief that she's right. Healing recovery.
She's trash you deserve better.
Anxious people manipulating others to caretake them makes avoidants anxious.
@@stickyslugs So true. Maybe we should run nationwide attachment screening and divide the country.
@@stickyslugs avoidants are the cheapest often most selfish people I've ever seen. Yes narcissists are worse then avoidants.
I feel like I'm being very needy right now. I'm an anxious attachment style. I have pulled myself towards secure attachment but I'm dating a man who is also anxious and has codependency and borderline. He has treated me not so good and has shown me little empathy so I'm in limbo and don't know how to be... I see he's working hard to correct his flaws but it's also so triggering to my anxious attachment. I'm feeling anti social and fearing trusting him again. I don't want to neglect my instincts, he's come across as dishonest because his self awareness wasn't there so he didn't realize his lacking empathy issue for a while... my heart is afraid to trust him again... but he's the most self aware man I've met who is also capable and desiring growth... I'm just tired and feeling my emotions are too heavy for us both at this time... 😪
How's it been lately? Did found relief? I just realized the definition of my bad feelings...
@Sinner-G it's not good, he turned out to also have paranoid personality disorder and he has constantly accused me of dishonesty to the point I am getting him out of my life.
No , it's not okay. It's not okay at all to have an anxious attachment style. Because when almost every relationship you can build leads you to become dependent from it, and you naturally like to be independent, then you find out that when people actually give you everything you want and need and deserve (the love you ask, every possible attention and reassurance you ask for), you are not happy anyway, you realise you aren't or never were in love with them, leave them and be like "thank you so much but I'm not in love, I'm sorry, best wishes", and move on with your life like nothing happened. Why do I do this? Like when I receive all the love I've always looked for in my life, I don't feel anything.. But when it's denied to me I end up chasing it. What the heck?! I hate this mechanism in my head.. That's why now I'm afraid of every possible relationship and I avoid them completely, cause it's always me taking too much and leave people heartbroken for years, or myself not receiving anything and end up broken for years. How do I figure all this out?
thanks. great video. i feel absolutely related to this but i had only one relationship so far and i dont get that far of having another relationship. i hear from friends that they can see how needy i am and thats why people try to escape as soon as they see that, according to my friends. i desperately would love to meet people/girls. some of them give me great compliments, but as soon as i tell them i would love to get more/deeper they get away or ghost me. thats very terrible. maybe you have some great answer to this?
Healthy friendships dont trigger me and i realize if i need to give ny friends space. Unhealthy friendshios trigger me soooo bad.
If I'm an anxious attachment person so I need assurance for the child inside me but others won't give me like before so how can you give something that's already lost in the past??? Its been already shaped like that. Is it possible to turn back what was lost in the past ??? That's what I canr get.
there's two things I have a question about and I don't fully see them answered on your channel
1. is there a term for when your eyes unfocus and you just stare and do everything on autopilot? I still do my job but I'm not there and usually I'm not thinking anything either it's like my hard drive is just full
2. how do you deal with certain attachment... eg. I have this drivers ed teacher that by now I've known for 2 years lol, about to take my exam on monday and if I pass that will mean I lose him, he's easy to talk to, we laugh a lot together and since the passing of my dad he started to feel like a second father to me and I don't know what to do? accept that I'll lose him (which would feel like losing my dad again kinda) or ask his number? or is that weird cause he's still my teacher kinda though we both are adults and we both have a partner so it shouldn't be too weird
Oh my god this is me with my close friendships
thanks for sharing this
Of course!! I hope it's helpful :) xoxo
Okay so my therapist did an evaluation on me recently where I scored as having an Anxious-Avoidant attachment style…….. wtf does that mean? Like it makes sense but I would like to hear more from an external source to make sure I understand it.
Thank you! The only video which actually helps. As all the rest are... stop stop being like this.
Hmmm.... @65 me & 67 him I know I am a needy partner due to disabilities. I have several limitations and it is keeping me from completing all I should be doing. necessity versus needy when does the line cross and should it matter?
Kati how dod i know if i have anorexia or binge eating disorder because i am 17 pounds underweight and tend to starve myself for multiple days on end while also binge eating a ton it just doesnt make sense to me
You’re the best
xoxo
I'm not needy at all. I tried to get my ex to go out on his own with his friend. Yeah, he had just one. Never questioned him the next morning. If I went out with friends, I would get 5th degree the next day. Like I ssid my ex.
I must be the only person in the world with anxious attachment that had a completely fine childhood. It spawned after my highschool sweetheart I was with and married to for a total of 14 years.
I feel like I don’t relate to any of these help videos. It sucks. 😂
Nice 👍
Katy you’re so gentle. I remember watching your first videos always triggered me, yet I knew deep down you were touching inside a deep wound that I had, and didn’t want to confront. I love you🩷🤍🩵
Hi Kati, I haven’t watched you for a long time but I need some advice. Two of my best friends got into a massive argument/disagreement, and both are want to end their amazing friendship. But I know they can solve this problem is they just talk it out and understand one another. However, neither are willing to talk it out. What do I do?
What if I am to needy toward my therapist?
If I have a crush on you, like love at first sight… it’s not creepy, right?? You’re emotional and intelligent, but so damned pretty.
Watching the videos, and getting emotional myself like looking in a mirror, I’m thinking… “twin flame”?
I act like I'm totally okay, but I have a crush on a woman. I wish I could die
in her loving arms, but I don’t have the guts to tell her. She's married too. I will die alone, which I'm okay with most of the time. No Serial Killer.
hi, i hv been watching ur videos, i hv had a couple of breakup within 2yrs,cos of my attachment style, i need ur help plz,....
But once woman sees you being needy she loses attraction 👍
Is there a video for avoidannttt too? O_O Im bothhhh
Yes I am and I don’t want to be
A man, july cancer, with anxious attachment yeah AM FUCKED!, lost 2 amazing women because of this!
Doctor what a man should do if he knew that his own family uncles and aunties ran after your life didn't want you to be happy block your immigration pathways like dogs
What you say is your opinion, it’s not fact try not to perceive it to be, therapist can only redirect thoughts, many people, such as myself do not want to think the way you want me tot think God gave us free mind, and free will, you are not God!!! 0:19
I cling with my mum
I am not needy at all, i just have to cope with people who killed my caregiver ruined my house, because i work for them and i need money for living thats all
so at least i can buy a tiny appartment food and clothes pay my bills
its their business not mine
I’m just a needy boi