I wouldn't know cos since I told him if he doesn't do what he's told me and our daughter for the last year,we are going no contact,he's gone no contact 🤣
He likes my ideas,I won't be giving him anymore,I figure if he can't take my sound advice and do the right thing for all our sakes then he's no good forevermore
@@karriesaunders8597 I gave mine an ultimatum when our girl was 12: Either get clean and sober...or no more visits. He was acting erratic and crazy around us/her. So what did he do? Of course, no contact. He didn't see our daughter for 2 solid years. Either did his family. They mirror. So, whatever you tell them you will do--they will also do it. They are out of their minds crazy devils.
@@CynthiaAva he knows exactly what he is doing but I have warned him I will never come back, besides if he doesn’t get deliverance he can keep his demons to himself, his family are toxic too and got a lying ex so if he finds out too late and doesn’t do right by us,we are gone,I won’t allow contact with a narc,they fool the system
No wonder they are paranoid, anxious and exhausted. Actions have consequences, they age badly and with poor health. Stand proud in your integrity and glow. Thank you Paula
A poem I wrote all the victims of Narcissism: All those broken promises distorted in my mind, The reality I knew, keeps changing time after time. How can it be that you have no soul. No identity, just a black hole. When you look in the mirror what do you see Emptiness all around you, cause that reflection was me. The devaluation wreaked havoc on my self esteem, I kept saying to myself, what did I do to make him so mean. Triangulation for him was a sick game, But he didn’t know it just adds to his shame. Looking within I knew something was wrong, That it was not me, which I knew all along. God doesn’t leave us to face things alone, To deal with Satan who’s heart is made of stone. He leads us to coaches who help mend our hearts, Guides us with understanding of these evil 👿 NARCS. In the end when all is said and done, We all will be healed, one by one. Written by: Donna Christie
@@donnalee7322 When I read the poem,it is/was like I was putting a puzzle together and every piece I picked-up clicked one after another....that is the flow of your beautiful poem. Hindsight: I knew something was off in 5 minutes when I met or been in close range with these narc/s. Somebody/Nobody In your presence I stood or sat beside you thinking something within you was going to guide only to realise you had to hide the inside that can never try because you live a life as a lie. Truth and experience will set us free and once again I can be me 🤸♀️🙂....... Many blessings and happiness to you Donna ✨️ 💛 🙏........ I just text that in less than five minutes and that was exactly how I felt meeting or being around these types. But I got lost in the shuffle but all hands on deck now and forevermore
And yes,I have been listening to Paula also for sometime now and her knowledge and awareness has had my attention and I can just feel the residue drop off and the balance is more steady and the validation is just wonderful
@@sheilamurry9875 wow 🤩 how wonderful God is as he led us to write exactly how we were feeling. That was beautiful. Thank you dear sister. Blessings to you. You are very good at writing, we should team up someday and write together.
From feeling addicted to the narc ( because I had no knowledge on narcs) To gaining all the knowledge I feel absolutely sick and conned to even think I fell for one sick and twisted demonic human formed being
An Psychologist told that Narcissists use the lovebombing phase, to create Dopamine in the brain of a victim, to make them believe they are in love wt them. Control and manipulation are their way tru life, and they don't do love.
It's a horrible thing I know. You are strong obviously! More than you know. Sometimes it's a white knuckle moment, minute by minute. It's never your fault that someone else is so deceitful. You do not get to accept half the blame for not knowing. Hang in there, I did and wow it feels great.
If you are an Empath, self-love is to give yourself rest, find out what makes you happy and do more of it. Start training on not to give so much to others all the time. Ppl get Ptsd after Narcisstic abuse, bcs it is so stressful.
You're stronger then you know. Look how you pushed through even with the abuse! Remember three things he did that were awful when you struggle. They have no love in their hearts. It feels personal but it isnt. You were chosen because you were a shinning beautiful light. You still are.
They always believe that the grass is always greener, it’s all about image with them never about the person, when they snap out of their illusion they realise what they lost.
I don’t think this is true. Do they wise up if they are just using people for fuel? Narcs don’t have shame or regret according to HG Tudor. It’s all about control of their current supplies. Once you are gone, out of site, out of mind.
@@annd1411 they do feel shame it’s guilt that they don’t do. Guilt is I’ve done something bad I’m sorry. Shame is I am bad, it’s hard to be sorry for shame.
Everything you've said was what I experienced. "You think you are so special " out of the blue on a bike ride. The sneakiest most manipulative liar cheater and user .
That last reason is right on! They want to protect themselves from being vulnerable and keep the power to themselves. Secret devaluation is exactly what happened to me. I felt it, but misunderstood what was really happening, thinking that he was having trouble attaching because of his past hurts. Not so! It was all part of his pattern of deception.
Excellent video. I never believed my husband was cheating on me--even through the divorce. Of course, he was. Eventually, he married her, his secretary. I was so, so naive. I am so thankful I had the courage to leave him. Never have I regretted my decision.
Why do they always go for the secretary? The narc husband ( we are still married) discarded me and moved in with the secretary. It's only after he walked out that the horror and extent of his double life came. He had so many supplies. The secretary just gave birth. She is laughing now thinking she has won. My kids and are are healing and moving on.
@@Anna-eu8px Hi Anna I have met many personally and heard many stories from other women that it is becoming epidemic. Only in recent years has there been information on the protection of victims. Thanks to the channels that deal with this issue we understand the big problem in Greek society Have a nice life my friend
Is it better to discard them before they discard you? Do they get the narcissistic injury when discard is done by you instead? Paula, could you please do a lesson on this please 😊
I concur it’s always about cheating, secret lives and they know if we knew the truth we’d leave. We usually do leave, but they try to prevent this. Often the other supply is even a downgrade. They’re horrible
My devalue came via proxy. I remember the first insult. “My daughter said everyone knows you talk too much.” I laughed and said everyone loves me. Must have been a big disappointment. But 5 months later I was toxicity bonded. His 12 year old and flying monkeys did his work for him. A few backhanded compliments and I was out of there. I was then called too emotional, nuts, unstable etc but it was the healthiest thing I’ve ever done. No contact 15 months now and yes all the usual has happened.
Mine used to say like a little boy, "you have no friends," or "nobody likes you." So childish. It as actually the exact opposite. He didn't like me...and everybody else did.
Mine just got a DUI because I had to call police so he couldn't kill someone and he ended up getting a DUI ..now he lives at his moms and calls telling me I ruined his life because I should have let him continue to drive drunk
Gosh, same here. Told me I’m pathetic and have no friends. I have half a dozen very close friends who have been by my side, loyal and loving for nearly four decades! Everyone who meets me, likes me. Meanwhile, he’s lost loads of short-term friends along the way, and no one has an ounce of respect for him. Yet, he genuinely believed what he was saying, that I was the pathetic one. Mind boggling and laughable.
@@lisahoffer1365 Of course it was not his fault... idiots... mine got dui's twice and paid off 6,000 to get his drivers permit saved... most narcs are addicted and weak. They never take responsability for anything... when we are gone who are they going to blame?
For 2 years, I was the "other woman" to an engaged man without knowing. He told me she was an ex. He would always make comments about her body, and how she was never his type. He would even have me accompany him on "business trips" and I would stay in the hotel while he was in meetings.. But actually there were no meetings. He was there to visit his fiancee while I was waiting back at the room for him. The whole thing is just mind boggling. He devalued her without ever having to do it to her face. Now they've bought a house together. He used me to unleash all his worst narcissistic behaviors on so that he could remain halfway decent towards her until he could ensnare her. I wish I could have warned her.
Its the cycle !! We’ve all been the main supply as well as the “other women” to the one being cheating on !!! Its absolutely disgusting when you put it all together . Once we really absorb it completely they will repulse us !!! But while we are in the flurry of their deceit and deception as their prey we were tricked big time! Victims of predators . It is really WHO THEY ARE !! Great pod cast !! Thank youuuu !!!!!
That it such an interesting point, I always thought I was dealing with a dual personality, they give the negative side of themselves to you while all positivity goes to another! We are not their emotional punching bags! We deserve better!
It’s like a sadistic thrill they get from the power and control they obtain from disrespecting both women...by their carefully preplanned, sly and deliberate deceptions. Such disturbing behaviour...and really just shows how they do not see people as human at all...just objects to be exploited to get their jollies. It’s like they actually hate women, but...are addicted to abusing them through apparent ‘sweet gestures’...while their dark secrets remain undetectable. And like any addiction, the older they get...and the more they do it...and the more they HAVE to do it. Diabolical.
You are Spot On!!! I experienced this exactly! Before I new what a covert narcissist was. it’s unbelievable how someone can be so drastically different than what they present themselves to be. It’s been almost 3 years now since I learned the truth and I still struggle with the cognitive dissonance of all that smoke and mirrors. It’s been a hell of a road to recovery, but with people like you on TH-cam, giving compassion, education, and understanding everyday I am ready to go out a face the world again in a much healthier version of myself. Thank you, & God Bless you 🙏🏻
Thank you for these videos. I could not understand the devaluation until i watched this. I felt I was the luckiest girl in the world with a beautiful healthy baby and a wonderful husband - until 1 day a brutal discard, the serving of divorce papers by a court server in public - no explanation or discussion, told me i needed to move out (of my home) as he wanted to bring new supply back. He had kept a log of my movements for 3 years with a view to making out i was a terrible mother who put career first (i was the only one providing for the family). He wanted to use the fear of losing custody to get me to pay him off. He set out to destroy me emotionally, mentally, financially while I grappled with what I done wrong until old supply contacted me told me everything with proof - the whole relationship was a sham. Complete illusion. Meanwhile he walked away into the sunset with new supply and most everything I worked for. He has never paid a cent towards his child so zero responsibility or accountability. Fast forward i have survived and thrived and can smell a narcissist a mile away. Life now is authentic as are the people I choose to surround myself with. I now know i have resilience and will not be defined by another person. Thank you again
I'm sorry for the loss you had, Narcissists don't act human, my father didn't pay any thing after my parents devorce either, those are greedy and I grew up wt two Narcissistic parents. Narcissists want's to control and destroy, they are happy when their partner are sad. Those want's to dim others light, none can be happy wt a Narcissistic partner.
Thanks for sharing your incredible story. I’m so happy that you are stronger and healthy and content. I think the best revenge on these people (controlled by 😈 imo and sent out to kill, steal, and destroy people) is success - peace, contentment, not giving up on life. To fight for your right to enjoy sunshine again. ☀️ I think his plan from the beginning was to take your assets. They use people for their needs. “Oh what Can this appliance do for me?”😡 I used to think they walk into the sunset happy. No they are still who they are and their new supply hasn’t won any prizes. She/he are being lied to/lovebombed. She/he will be made miserable and made to suffer. So our best bet is to get out of self pity mode and rise and shine. ✨✨✨
Thanks Paula, great video ! You described perfectly my life with the ex narc . 35 years together and I never , ever imagined his secret life . My life was smashed to pieces in the end , was any of it real ? Been going on 2 years now since I woke up and kicked him out . Despite how hard the healing can be , it is worth it . When you finally get to the reality of it all it is so mind boggling, so evil like you said . It is never too late to regain your life .
I'll never forget .. I commented on a few occasions about the hair in the bed and on her top .. she absolutely raged at me about it, totally shut me down. The explanation of the guy on the dance floor who took her hand and placed it on his thing .. a total lie, she did it. Going out with her friend, she actually was picking up folk. Cleaning the guys house who she met before me .. she was doing it with him. I look back at when she was in her pyjamas when I surprised her with a visit .. I believe someone was upstairs. Its disgusting, they are so disgusting .. we actually read the bible and prayed together
If she read the bible... well her sin is even worse because she has no excuse...she knows right from wrong and chose to do evil... my ex used to read the bible and twist and use God's word to abuse me. He is a demon from hell.
Mine did both... he enjoyed giving hints and it was only later that I figured out what his hints meant.. example...don’t take this the wrong way Eva but I’m really looking forward to this trip to see my family... ie he was actually gonna try to see someone while there. Insidious
Mine gave me hints from the beginning then was surprised how i handled the discard (i was raised by narcs, didnt see it in him, but my subconcious seems to have understood) and then he accused me of spying on him!! Well he is the one who told me exactly what he planned to do to me, cheating, discarding, everything. I have ears to listen... no need to spy...
Thanks again 🤩 I was often devalued and I realise now he was also cheating. He would drop little clues for me for some reason which I now see for what they were. Many times i thought what an odd thing to say or asked what something meant and was fobbed off but looking back now I know he was. For example, he showed me texts from a friend questioning his 'women quests' and when I asked what that meant he said he didn't know!! And I believed him. More fool me. Nasty spiteful creatures. I know I shouldn't be glad they're deeply unhappy inside but it's hard not to be when you've been deliberately taken for a fool 🙄
Yes the same situation apparently he work friend was messing around, one day he walked in and said I've just seen this couple in a car messing around looks like they were married and secretly meeting he said how bad is that, I thought why would you tell me that. Such liars there talking about themselves and getting off on it complete sickos.
worst sort of cowardice to think that makes them powerful to disrespect you behind your back. I've seen it, and when confronted, staring you in the eye lying to your face with that smug grin. My narc had a breakdown when I presented irrefutable evidence (ha!). Anyways, that was the solid beginning of the end. There is a total inability to intimately bond, every thing is faked and shallow. Such pathetic lack of identity and self-esteem, they are like junkies for any and all other attention. Always chasing the dragon of that honeymoon euphoria. Even after proof of devaluation, trying to project back upon you that it's only because you don't adore them enough... Just. Run. Away. If you are here, you already know it all too well.
Very eye opening what you have said looking back everything is so on point of the lies and manipulation... sickening. The stories never made sense in the back of mind,and now I know I was dealing with something unhuman
The shock is at the end when all of the verbal devaluation comes out during the discard. He was secretly judging me and holding on to it. He went back 30 years to things I thought had been resolved or didn't realize were an issue. He filed them for years and dumped all of this on me when I discovered his affair and called him out. I tried to set boundaries. He used all of his secret, long kept thoughts of me to shame me and blame me for his behavior and for the demise of our marriage.
you should have told him well if all these things bothered you, then your the dumb ass for staying with me and suffering in silence all these years. The narcissist is so stupid🙄
I had a very strong feeling he was cheating, if not physically, then emotionally. He denied it till the end and said he couldn't be with someone who thought he was doing that. Meanwhile his ex was always in the background and I think he was grooming someone else. I was kept invisible on social media. Strangely enough it would help me if I had proof of what was happening. There were signs, but he denied them, had excuses, often shady ones for scratches on his back (the cat), the condoms (had those still), being online while too busy to talk to me etc. It still gives me a headache, because my feeling says he was cheating, but I never caught him at it, nor was I trying to. I just asked questions and he deflected: when will you trust me? Well, it turned out, never.
O....m.....g the last time I saw the ugly meth head psychopath, he also had an excuse for scratches and blamed it on the poor cat. Oh this is infuriating and hilarious at the same time.
@@aquarius6119 It is very unlikely for a cat to scratch you on the back, isn't it? They only scratched when provoked. Deep sigh, I hate it that I'm still recovering and trying to make sense of all the bullshit, because there is No Sense, it's all Nonsense. They lie through their teeth and even seem to believe their fabrications.
Mine was in an emotional affair with his childhood sweetheart, for a second time. She’s a Narcissist too. He refused to admit his behaviour was wrong, he left me because he wouldn’t stop his contact with her.
Yes they are very good at covering it up but it's a sense you get all you will get is gaslit, I remember once calling him out about cheating as this was going on, he rang his mother and r tried to force the phone in my hand I said no I will not in love her he was getting angrier then he put the phone to his ear and said... I think shes cheating on me. This is what type of deceptive Aholes were dealing with.
This post made me cry. My husband was cheating in our home for close to a year. He had me, his family,, my family and friends and everyone else believe he was deeply in love with me. It was all a lie.. there are days and moments i still have a difficult time processing and believing he would stoop that low.. Secret devaluation is the worst. You put a description to my story. I would say to myself he didn't devalue me verbally. But he had a secret. I have been devastated. His affair partner told it. I was totally blindsided. Thank you for this description. I am healing. I am.
This video is so on point, boredom and they like secrets and to know that they cheated on you and you don’t know. This is how I felt she was doing the whole time. Especially Paula when you said “ remember when I had to do everything for you, we’ll I was doing this the whole time behind your back” when you said that, that was really so creepy but so real. Excellent videos that I have to watch Paula to keep my head in REALITY!!!
I didn't find out that my narcissistic husband had been cheating on me for years until after he passed away this past March. I was completely blindsided with it. Not only cheating on me but doing so with other men! The majority of them were men!! I couldn't have been more shocked & devastated. I'm still reeling over it. With him being gone, I also have no way of confronting him with any of it now which is extremely difficult for me emotionally. I didn't think he could have destroyed me anymore than he had already before he died but I was wrong. I knew about a year & a half before he passed that he was narcissistic but didn't see him cheating like he had been nor did I ever imagine that he was bi-sexual!! We had been married for over 32 years when he suddenly passed & I'm even more angry now than ever bc clearly I had been used as a false image for him from the very beginning in that sense. Frankly I'm not sure I'll ever recover from all his years of narcissistic abuse and to top it all off he's now left me with even more pain to have to deal with after his death. Some days it's almost too much to handle. I so enjoy your vids from beautiful Ireland though & they have offered me some sense of peace so thank you for that.
Yes. They are all bi. Because again they can’t attach and it’s about the rush . And if women and men both adore them then they think they feel like God. They can hide all the cheating because rhwy compartmentalise people. Online dating profiles with no pics then they exchange . Burner phones they hide. You don’t want to know. It’s all of them
I got hoovered like a dummy after I left my narc .... then she discarded me ... she thought I was dumb ... I gave her less attention and didn't react emotionally when she would rage ... I forced her to find a new supply and she doesn't even know it 🤣🤣🤣
You described what I went through. I found out about the cheating after discard. But I dont know the extend. There were many times my intuition was telling me something strange was going on. I am not attached to this person anymore and I am far away in a safe place. This has hurt me alot and find it very hard to trust again or even consider entering a serious relationship. Was that the goal or endgame? Making sure that I would never trust someone again? Doing this to someone is beyond evil. Was this person aware? How to battle this? Thank you for this video. I can realy relate.
They don’t care how they leave you once they have the control..but you not trusting again robs the world of a person of light..baby steps come back to your strength 🌹
Secrets and power! You describe this perfectly. If you wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy you might be forgiven for thinking that your enemy is a better person
Very well explained Paula! Either we’re aware of it or not the devaluation is always there. I remember then there was lots of emotional cheating and it’s so subtle you don’t even see it. It could be just meeting up a friend of helping a friend in distress while it’s all fuel feeding the narc and subtle devaluation
As far as the devaluing right after they catch you....before the wedding we were living in my husband's cabin. We immediately sold it and purchased our new home. My husband went to closing on "our" new house as I stayed home packing. When he came home he informed me I wasnt put on the deed since I didn't contribute to the purchase. 😱 Because his cabin was an hour away from God up in the mountains I had to quit my job. He worked out of town 4 days a week and the first time he left I was left up there with .12cents. and no gas. I QUICKLY became aware of the devaluing and isolation process. 7 years later I am still married to him and trapped as can be. I have been treated as an outsider when it comes to money, bills and any domestic issues. I have bookkeeping/accounting skills yet have nothing to say about our finances. I'm totally in the dark by all if his secrets. He wants me not working as well. He's a miserable SOB & I have the peace of God to get me thru. Take to heart what is being told here in these videos and get the heck out!!!!
I’m so grateful I was viciously badmouthed behind my back by my ex narc. She didn’t burn the bridge she blew it up !! Now that she realized the grass wasn’t greener she has no way to come back 😂😂😂 Narcs are so DUMB
3:00 I like how you mentioned how the reason that the devaluation happens is because "YOU DON'T GIVE THEM FUEL!" That's true, I wasn't so quite snake-bitten or nice after that. So are other empaths like yourself or myself I'm pretty sure. We beat ourselves up as having supposedly not fought it off soon enough. At least I forgot that I was fighting with my life or for my life against these secret devaluations that became NOT SO secret after a little while
The devaluation for me was to wreck my relationships with my grown kids. That’s what he wanted from me, or do to me. He showed me how superior he is because he can “own” them. He was so powerful he could wreck all my relationships. I have no idea what he told them. It must have been good because everyone believes it; if he wasn’t able to love I don’t deserve love either.
Thank you for this video, it made sooo many things clear to me! Nex HAD to devalue me, to keep from being vulnerable! 😳 There was never any hope there. He was never going to cherish me or be faithful. It was always going to end in pain!! 👺
Some won't cheat even though they will try.They expectations are incompatible to their attractiveness so they are turned down (ridiculously inadequate targeting). After a few failures they give up for some time at least (or until breaking up with you if a potential target knows you).Not all of them are keen on downgrading, that's for sure.After breaking up with me my narc tried to hit on my friend and he felt really let down when she wasn't into it.
I just found out a narcissist friend from the past passed away this week... may they rest in peace. I actually feel no loss and guilty that I know they'll never be able to hoover me again. I went no contact several years ago and I am feeling guilty that I feel nothing.
Hi Paula...great to see you...I have concluded that women will stop feeling bad about man cheating if they just realize the majority of them do right from the beginning...I have the feeling that the one I was dealing with did not devalue me as that persona...I believe it came to me through a different profile but same person...that way they could say as they wished as someone else and keep the mask on as the other person if that makes sense
Being a man, and being the one whose been cheated on I find your above comment very hurtful. I am a good person and I’ve never had a thought pass my mind in 46 years of stepping out on anyone!
Well said Paula. Your videos are so easily understood. It’s very upsetting when you discover that your whole relationship was a lie from the start. When you didn’t see the devaluation, when you felt off at times but didn’t know why you felt that way. Now after “discard” looking back you can see everything much more clearly. Like you said in another video you awake to the knowledge.
So resigned with this video Paula, had a break from narc land for a while, it does someone a world of good not to dwell your time on figuring out the narc , but your insight is so important to the community so thank you for your time x
I bet that scene was getting uglier and uglier....walking around with a half-face slippery mask that is what I experienced also,now that I think about it,slow disgusting disgust until 💥 the mask falls off and then you see satan incarnate and wow........then your intuition was right along
I was in a relationship with one...sat the beginning of the relationship, she boldly assured me during the she would only date one person at ago. This raised my trust for her. But just 3 months down the road, i discovered she had another guy all along! I was shocked! I later on confronted her and she was shocked that i got to know about it!! All along she had this guy around! Guys i was broken! By then i had no single idea about narcissists in general. Just know it was a big pile of mess to me...🤦🏾♂️
25 yrs married. Yes there was emotional abuse but I Never ever thought he would cheat. Caught him 31 Dec 2020. Everybody was shocked. Our friends could not believe it. If I think back now, I think he has been cheating for years. I just did not catch him. It is 2023 and I'm still trying to get divorced. My advice...don't wait. Get out while you are still young.
I have been healing for 5 months. Your podcasts have helped me so much. I’m still thinking of aloe horrible things he did. Caused me trauma, and it was so hard to break things off and stay away. I’m getting therapy soon. I’m scared to have a relationship with anyone. Thank you for helping me understand what happened.
I had a feeling of de-valuing with my mother. I've only learned about this in the last year and that gave me the "A-ha" moment, as I thought..... "So that's what that was!". She was known as the "Queen", by her nine brothers (she was the oldest) and even my father dubbed her "Queen". She had a way of putting you down....no matter what subject you might try to engage with her. Oh, it was a misery. After she passed I no longer had knots in my stomach. I used to feel sick before, during and after a phone conversations. I ended up visiting very seldom as I was out of state....great excuse, right? My instincts told me to keep away without knowing what was wrong, it just felt emotionally painful. She couldn't be close, or nurturing in the slightest. This was long suffering, but its over now, and I am learning about this subject. My sis didn't fair well with her life. She lives alone with cats galore, and no contact with me. Sad, sad. She is a Narc with spite, very toxic. Happy ending though...I have a prince of a husband and he is a great in- house counselor. Wisdom pours out of him and he too has been bit by the Narc with his 1st terrible wife. I could go on and on but need to stop here! Everybody, keep hope high, and believe in yourself! There are wonderful people out there with great hearts....go fishing!! 😀
My ex husband narc has been lying and telling people we divorced before his new relationship, telling mutual friends that I was mentally ill and have multiple personality disorder which are all lies. It hurts but I am in no contact and don’t want to even give fuel to this. I hope karma is real.
I, too, hope Karma is real. This relationship was the worst ever. I never thought I’d meet such an immature, devil of a person. Never thought he could sink so low. I just imagine life with his new supply who is an ex as perfect. He expressed it was his chance at true love. He triangulated and brutally discarded me when I just a few months before stopped communicating as much with him and was on a fine path.
@@monicadlynn I pray you are 💯 % correct! I do.....never have cared karma would get anyone else but for this poor excuse for a human being I do. He is long overdue!!!
great video thank you. for those who have not healed hang in there. for those who have the knowledge my comment is i do not feel sorry for the narc con but i do feel a great deal of sadness or sorrow because i know they cannot look at themselves in the mirror but that's life free will and if you choose to become a narc con oh well thank you paula and have a blessed day everyone ~
Without a doubt, a keeper video. Wonderful Insight (and perspective too). I am amazed at, having been on the web so short a time, you have managed to dive deep, not only because of your personal experience. Congrats Paula! The crux of the matter is RIGHT ON, plus the others, boredom. I learn with you. I get stronger with you. Who knew that having met these evil clowns would lead to a lifetime of new-found freedom and a fresh new look at Everything. Keep it up....your place in heaven is assured....jijiji
🙋♀️Jose thanks my friend as always..really..I think once you put the knowledge with your personal experience you can really get into their heads and the memories make sense..unfortunately..🌹
Perfectly described 👍🏻 but knowing all this after discard is so painful! this is very unfair. How can they get away so easily with what they do to others??
I am so greatful for the material you cover that I found no one else on here does as well as your approach and insight, you are helping me not only understand but actually heal, THANK YOU BEAUTIFUL LADY...MUCH LOVE & LIGHT...( I think he hates me bc he may have just as much of a trauma bond or codependency as I did...only difference is I am able to heal and he is not...uhg can't wait to be free of this mess, you can cut the tension in my home with a knife...so toxic
@@NarcCon Thank you so much, whats saddens me most now is that I have no support at all,my own mother and best friend didn't belive me ,let alone offer any support, I amall alone, facing homelessness to keep my sanity and what's left of my health, maybe that is what God wants for me to maybe learn something else, but I do have faith that in the end I will be blessed for enduring such evil all my life alone and never actually knowing what it feels like to be Loved unconditionally...I do hope its what he gifts me with in the end. but I know the self love journey I am on is the true gift....You are an inspiration, so educated and well spoken, compassionate and beautiful...I do hope you know that about urself now...GOD BLESS YOU AND THE WORK YOUR DOING, I HOPE SO MUCH TO FIND MY CONFIDENCE SO I CAN CONTRIBUTE AS WELL. ..........NAMASTE 🙏
Wow - this is so insightful... I was with my ex for almost 9 yrs, married 3, 5 yr old daughter... he had an emotional affair with someone he met on a hike and 8 weeks later he left me & his fam... I suspect now that there were other infidelities that I don’t know about - so this was spot on for me... can you pls do a vid on how the narc is able to take off one costume and put on another totally different one so quickly? In my case my hubby played happily married man, father, stable- then switched to single, bear Grylls style outdoorsy guy (in keeping with what the new supply wants)... I just can’t fathom how much of a chameleon he is and I assume he doesn’t even give our lives together a second thought- he portrays an ‘I am a new person now’ vibe...
This is exactly what happened. After I had left him two weeks later he told me he had been cheating on me for the last year how much she meant to him on and on. Only he left one important fact out she's in prison for the next 5 years. Didn't tell me that either to hurt me. Finally told me when the hoover came. It is just really sick.
My ex-narc discarded me and attempted to prevent my closure. She continued to make it sound like she cared about me and she didn't actually want to break up. I found out later that she was immediately in a relationship with another guy that same week, so she was cheating on me the entire time. It was only at that moment I realized I had been dealing with someone who had NPD. Then I saw our entire history in a new light and all her actions became clear. The devaluation phase was less than 2 weeks and the discard was so quick.
She lied about never been married and never having kids. She was in fact married, and had kids. She lied about this and other things. I only discovered the truth after 1 year. I left her immidiatly after showing her the facts. Now I feel that i lived a lie. She love bombed me real good. I should follow my instincts more often. Because i always had a feeling the she was hidding stuff from me all the time, due to her projections, inconsistency, fake promises, etc etc, all those narcisitsic traits and behaviors that i now realise she always had.
They just wanted to destroy my sacred relationships that were innocent heart from childhood and gaining billions of ars at the same time. Money was their MAIN GAIN as well as with the destruction of all my life and years that I could have lived without them on my phone and without them on my computer using people they believed I knew that I did not ever know. It's extremely confusing even still. Then they try to send me other people they think they could choose for me instead of the person my Lord wanted me with.
Hi Paula. The video was very helpful. It helped me to remember some things in my previous relationship that I would have never looked at as devaluation. The fact gaslighting is used so extensively, we have to remember this is devaluation in itself. I remember one time when I was given a Timex watch. Do the narcissist would point out everyday how wonderful this watch was. Mind you, it was just a black sports watch. I would always take the watch off and put it in my vanity drawer. One time we had a couple with their child over our house, and my watch went mysteriously missing afterwards. I looked high and low for this watch over and over in the house, in my vanity drawer. The Narcissist husband made a phone call to this couple accusing their son of taking the watch when he was in the bathroom. Then I was told to go look for the watch just in case in which I found right in the vanity drawer. I was accused of making him call the couple and accuse them of stealing it. I never asked him to call the couple. I didn't want him to call the couple. But I really felt like I was going crazy because I apparently was told I didn't look well enough for the watch. I believed it was my fault too. Devaluation techniques. I believe gaslighting is a form of devaluation that many of us victim survivors don't realize is happening to us at the time. Videos like this trigger actual memory that we didn't see then, but see now w the trigger open n education researched. There will be thousands of examples like this through our relationships. I think the devaluation is so subtle, that the cognitive dissonance involved w gaslighting has to be really looked at in layers. Thank you again for all of your help. And by the way, thank you for recommending Tanya's Channel narc no more. She's wonderful and there's another woman called pink girl teaches that have the spiritual background to all of this. I'm so grateful for all of you 3 beautiful ladies. Much love to you and Remi!
@@NarcCon the spiritual elements to these relationships are what brought me to ur channel bc no one speaks enough about this. Prof Vaknin mocks the demonic aspects of this. So when I found you wome talking about this, I was so grateful. Id been asking God to bring me to the people that I can speak his word and you three showed up within days!!!
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When there is a sudden niceness from them, you can rest assured that they are getting ready to do something even more horrible TO you......
Totally agree.
I wouldn't know cos since I told him if he doesn't do what he's told me and our daughter for the last year,we are going no contact,he's gone no contact 🤣
He likes my ideas,I won't be giving him anymore,I figure if he can't take my sound advice and do the right thing for all our sakes then he's no good forevermore
@@karriesaunders8597 I gave mine an ultimatum when our girl was 12: Either get clean and sober...or no more visits. He was acting erratic and crazy around us/her. So what did he do? Of course, no contact. He didn't see our daughter for 2 solid years. Either did his family. They mirror. So, whatever you tell them you will do--they will also do it. They are out of their minds crazy devils.
@@CynthiaAva he knows exactly what he is doing but I have warned him I will never come back, besides if he doesn’t get deliverance he can keep his demons to himself, his family are toxic too and got a lying ex so if he finds out too late and doesn’t do right by us,we are gone,I won’t allow contact with a narc,they fool the system
No wonder they are paranoid, anxious and exhausted. Actions have consequences, they age badly and with poor health. Stand proud in your integrity and glow. Thank you Paula
THIS .
@ Tina Jones I couldn't of said that any better!
agree
Nailed it!
Right. on. point. 🙌🏼💥
A poem I wrote all the victims of Narcissism:
All those broken promises distorted in my mind,
The reality I knew, keeps changing time after time.
How can it be that you have no soul.
No identity, just a black hole.
When you look in the mirror what do you see
Emptiness all around you, cause that reflection was me.
The devaluation wreaked havoc on my self esteem,
I kept saying to myself, what did I do to make him so mean.
Triangulation for him was a sick game,
But he didn’t know it just adds to his shame.
Looking within I knew something was wrong,
That it was not me, which I knew all along.
God doesn’t leave us to face things alone,
To deal with Satan who’s heart is made of stone.
He leads us to coaches who help mend our hearts,
Guides us with understanding of these evil 👿 NARCS.
In the end when all is said and done,
We all will be healed, one by one.
Written by: Donna Christie
Just beautifully and with pure honest intent in writing this well received poem that says it from your beautiful heart ....thank you Donna
@@sheilamurry9875 I’m humbled that you like it. It took me 5 min. To write and I really love Paula. Her videos helped me so much. Blessings 🙏😇❤️
@@donnalee7322 When I read the poem,it is/was like I was putting a puzzle together and every piece I picked-up clicked one after another....that is the flow of your beautiful poem.
Hindsight: I knew something was off in 5 minutes when I met or been in close range with these narc/s.
Somebody/Nobody
In your presence I stood or sat beside you thinking something within you was going to guide only to realise you had to hide the inside that can never try because you live a life as a lie.
Truth and experience will set us free and once again I can be me 🤸♀️🙂.......
Many blessings and happiness to you Donna ✨️ 💛 🙏........
I just text that in less than five minutes and that was exactly how I felt meeting or being around these types.
But I got lost in the shuffle but all hands on deck now and forevermore
And yes,I have been listening to Paula also for sometime now and her knowledge and awareness has had my attention and I can just feel the residue drop off and the balance is more steady and the validation is just wonderful
@@sheilamurry9875 wow 🤩 how wonderful God is as he led us to write exactly how we were feeling. That was beautiful. Thank you dear sister. Blessings to you. You are very good at writing, we should team up someday and write together.
From feeling addicted to the narc ( because I had no knowledge on narcs)
To gaining all the knowledge I feel absolutely sick and conned to even think I fell for one sick and twisted demonic human formed being
An Psychologist told that Narcissists use the lovebombing phase, to create Dopamine in the brain of a victim, to make them believe they are in love wt them. Control and manipulation are their way tru life, and they don't do love.
Snap ✋
It's a horrible thing I know. You are strong obviously! More than you know. Sometimes it's a white knuckle moment, minute by minute. It's never your fault that someone else is so deceitful. You do not get to accept half the blame for not knowing. Hang in there, I did and wow it feels great.
He mirrored your childhood dreams, then you suffered your childhood trauma
I’m struggling today. Lots of love to everyone dealing with this hurtful, awful situation.
Work through it advocate for you..brighter days will come
If you are an Empath, self-love is to give yourself rest, find out what makes you happy and do more of it. Start training on not to give so much to others all the time. Ppl get Ptsd after Narcisstic abuse, bcs it is so stressful.
Struggling here, also
KIRSTIN, we all struggle with it. No Shame there. We have to move forward its there LOSS. They get there's.
You're stronger then you know. Look how you pushed through even with the abuse! Remember three things he did that were awful when you struggle. They have no love in their hearts. It feels personal but it isnt. You were chosen because you were a shinning beautiful light. You still are.
They always believe that the grass is always greener, it’s all about image with them never about the person, when they snap out of their illusion they realise what they lost.
That is the truth!
I don’t think this is true. Do they wise up if they are just using people for fuel? Narcs don’t have shame or regret according to HG Tudor. It’s all about control of their current supplies. Once you are gone, out of site, out of mind.
@@annd1411 great point!
@@annd1411 they do feel shame it’s guilt that they don’t do. Guilt is I’ve done something bad I’m sorry. Shame is I am bad, it’s hard to be sorry for shame.
Narcissists have no object constancy
What a nightmare.
Everything you've said was what I experienced. "You think you are so special " out of the blue on a bike ride. The sneakiest most manipulative liar cheater and user .
The devaluation phase is like chinese water torcher, if you are unaware of it.
Very painful and confusing
@Terri Dillion::: TORTURE ( not torcher)
@@malaikaal-amin2706 knew that didnt look right. LOL thanks
That last reason is right on! They want to protect themselves from being vulnerable and keep the power to themselves. Secret devaluation is exactly what happened to me. I felt it, but misunderstood what was really happening, thinking that he was having trouble attaching because of his past hurts. Not so! It was all part of his pattern of deception.
they definitely LOVE secrets and lies! so delusional!
Excellent video. I never believed my husband was cheating on me--even through the divorce. Of course, he was. Eventually, he married her, his secretary. I was so, so naive. I am so thankful I had the courage to leave him. Never have I regretted my decision.
Why do they always go for the secretary? The narc husband ( we are still married) discarded me and moved in with the secretary. It's only after he walked out that the horror and extent of his double life came. He had so many supplies. The secretary just gave birth. She is laughing now thinking she has won. My kids and are are healing and moving on.
Same with me, recently brutally discarded by my husband of 12 years,he's shacked up with the secretary from his work. These people are malicious
well if you think about it a secretary feeds into their ego by being a paid flying monkey👀
Narcs are not humans
I would say mine is demonic
@@Anna-eu8px
Hi Anna
I have met many personally and heard many stories from other women that it is becoming epidemic. Only in recent years has there been information on the protection of victims. Thanks to the channels that deal with this issue we understand the big problem in Greek society
Have a nice life my friend
Is it better to discard them before they discard you? Do they get the narcissistic injury when discard is done by you instead? Paula, could you please do a lesson on this please 😊
I concur it’s always about cheating, secret lives and they know if we knew the truth we’d leave.
We usually do leave, but they try to prevent this. Often the other supply is even a downgrade. They’re horrible
I always told him that he had a secret life and he always said it wasn’t true…but I was never fully at peace in the relationship…
@@LushGalpal Same here and been with him 24 years, married 22. I can't do this anymore.
Yep. Exactly Stomach churning reality we all had smack us in the face .
My devalue came via proxy. I remember the first insult. “My daughter said everyone knows you talk too much.” I laughed and said everyone loves me. Must have been a big disappointment. But 5 months later I was toxicity bonded. His 12 year old and flying monkeys did his work for him. A few backhanded compliments and I was out of there. I was then called too emotional, nuts, unstable etc but it was the healthiest thing I’ve ever done. No contact 15 months now and yes all the usual has happened.
Healthy 😊
Mine used to say like a little boy, "you have no friends," or "nobody likes you." So childish. It as actually the exact opposite. He didn't like me...and everybody else did.
Mine just got a DUI because I had to call police so he couldn't kill someone and he ended up getting a DUI ..now he lives at his moms and calls telling me I ruined his life because I should have let him continue to drive drunk
Gosh, same here. Told me I’m pathetic and have no friends. I have half a dozen very close friends who have been by my side, loyal and loving for nearly four decades! Everyone who meets me, likes me. Meanwhile, he’s lost loads of short-term friends along the way, and no one has an ounce of respect for him. Yet, he genuinely believed what he was saying, that I was the pathetic one. Mind boggling and laughable.
@@lisahoffer1365 Of course it was not his fault... idiots... mine got dui's twice and paid off 6,000 to get his drivers permit saved... most narcs are addicted and weak. They never take responsability for anything... when we are gone who are they going to blame?
Narcissists want you to feel as empty and unhappy as they are and feel.
For 2 years, I was the "other woman" to an engaged man without knowing. He told me she was an ex. He would always make comments about her body, and how she was never his type. He would even have me accompany him on "business trips" and I would stay in the hotel while he was in meetings.. But actually there were no meetings. He was there to visit his fiancee while I was waiting back at the room for him. The whole thing is just mind boggling. He devalued her without ever having to do it to her face. Now they've bought a house together. He used me to unleash all his worst narcissistic behaviors on so that he could remain halfway decent towards her until he could ensnare her. I wish I could have warned her.
Wow that’s awful ! Thank God you didn’t end up with him but what a nightmare! So sorry 😢
Its the cycle !! We’ve all been the main supply as well as the “other women” to the one being cheating on !!!
Its absolutely disgusting when you put it all together .
Once we really absorb it completely they will repulse us !!!
But while we are in the flurry of their deceit and deception as their prey we were tricked big time!
Victims of predators .
It is really WHO THEY ARE
!!
Great pod cast !!
Thank youuuu !!!!!
That it such an interesting point, I always thought I was dealing with a dual personality, they give the negative side of themselves to you while all positivity goes to another! We are not their emotional punching bags! We deserve better!
Wow Cherie...how dreadful..I’m no diagnostic but he sounds psychopathic? Hope your doing well now 🌹
It’s like a sadistic thrill they get from the power and control they obtain from disrespecting both women...by their carefully preplanned, sly and deliberate deceptions. Such disturbing behaviour...and really just shows how they do not see people as human at all...just objects to be exploited to get their jollies. It’s like they actually hate women, but...are addicted to abusing them through apparent ‘sweet gestures’...while their dark secrets remain undetectable. And like any addiction, the older they get...and the more they do it...and the more they HAVE to do it. Diabolical.
You are Spot On!!!
I experienced this exactly!
Before I new what a covert narcissist was.
it’s unbelievable how someone can be so drastically different than what they present themselves to be.
It’s been almost 3 years now since I learned the truth and I still struggle with the cognitive dissonance of all that smoke and mirrors. It’s been a hell of a road to recovery, but with people like you on TH-cam, giving compassion, education, and understanding everyday I am ready to go out a face the world again in a much healthier version of myself.
Thank you, & God Bless you 🙏🏻
🙏🌹❤️
WHEN IT WAS THE GRAND FINALE DISCARD....IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE NICEST HED EVER BEEN TO ME IN 40 YEARS ....RED FLAG HUGE 🇲🇦
Thank you for these videos. I could not understand the devaluation until i watched this. I felt I was the luckiest girl in the world with a beautiful healthy baby and a wonderful husband - until 1 day a brutal discard, the serving of divorce papers by a court server in public - no explanation or discussion, told me i needed to move out (of my home) as he wanted to bring new supply back. He had kept a log of my movements for 3 years with a view to making out i was a terrible mother who put career first (i was the only one providing for the family). He wanted to use the fear of losing custody to get me to pay him off. He set out to destroy me emotionally, mentally, financially while I grappled with what I done wrong until old supply contacted me told me everything with proof - the whole relationship was a sham. Complete illusion. Meanwhile he walked away into the sunset with new supply and most everything I worked for. He has never paid a cent towards his child so zero responsibility or accountability. Fast forward i have survived and thrived and can smell a narcissist a mile away. Life now is authentic as are the people I choose to surround myself with. I now know i have resilience and will not be defined by another person. Thank you again
No thank you for sharing this great story of bravery and strength may life bring you blessings
I'm sorry for the loss you had, Narcissists don't act human, my father didn't pay any thing after my parents devorce either, those are greedy and I grew up wt two Narcissistic parents. Narcissists want's to control and destroy, they are happy when their partner are sad. Those want's to dim others light, none can be happy wt a Narcissistic partner.
Thanks for sharing your incredible story. I’m so happy that you are stronger and healthy and content. I think the best revenge on these people (controlled by 😈 imo and sent out to kill, steal, and destroy people) is success - peace, contentment, not giving up on life. To fight for your right to enjoy sunshine again. ☀️
I think his plan from the beginning was to take your assets. They use people for their needs. “Oh what Can this appliance do for me?”😡
I used to think they walk into the sunset happy. No they are still who they are and their new supply hasn’t won any prizes. She/he are being lied to/lovebombed. She/he will be made miserable and made to suffer.
So our best bet is to get out of self pity mode and rise and shine. ✨✨✨
Thanks Paula, great video ! You described perfectly my life with the ex narc . 35 years together and I never , ever imagined his secret life . My life was smashed to pieces in the end , was any of it real ? Been going on 2 years now since I woke up and kicked him out . Despite how hard the healing can be , it is worth it . When you finally get to the reality of it all it is so mind boggling, so evil like you said . It is never too late to regain your life .
Amen Leslie 🌹
I'll never forget .. I commented on a few occasions about the hair in the bed and on her top .. she absolutely raged at me about it, totally shut me down. The explanation of the guy on the dance floor who took her hand and placed it on his thing .. a total lie, she did it. Going out with her friend, she actually was picking up folk. Cleaning the guys house who she met before me .. she was doing it with him. I look back at when she was in her pyjamas when I surprised her with a visit .. I believe someone was upstairs. Its disgusting, they are so disgusting .. we actually read the bible and prayed together
SMH 🤦♀️
Yes it's disgusting 😒
If she read the bible... well her sin is even worse because she has no excuse...she knows right from wrong and chose to do evil... my ex used to read the bible and twist and use God's word to abuse me. He is a demon from hell.
Yes .. that's what Jesus specifically told us too, isn't it
Mine did both... he enjoyed giving hints and it was only later that I figured out what his hints meant.. example...don’t take this the wrong way Eva but I’m really looking forward to this trip to see my family... ie he was actually gonna try to see someone while there. Insidious
Ooo..he was very insecure with you Eva it sounds like 🌹
Mine gave me hints from the beginning then was surprised how i handled the discard (i was raised by narcs, didnt see it in him, but my subconcious seems to have understood) and then he accused me of spying on him!! Well he is the one who told me exactly what he planned to do to me, cheating, discarding, everything. I have ears to listen... no need to spy...
Thanks again 🤩 I was often devalued and I realise now he was also cheating. He would drop little clues for me for some reason which I now see for what they were. Many times i thought what an odd thing to say or asked what something meant and was fobbed off but looking back now I know he was. For example, he showed me texts from a friend questioning his 'women quests' and when I asked what that meant he said he didn't know!! And I believed him. More fool me. Nasty spiteful creatures. I know I shouldn't be glad they're deeply unhappy inside but it's hard not to be when you've been deliberately taken for a fool 🙄
Yes the same situation apparently he work friend was messing around, one day he walked in and said I've just seen this couple in a car messing around looks like they were married and secretly meeting he said how bad is that, I thought why would you tell me that. Such liars there talking about themselves and getting off on it complete sickos.
Love your videos, you speak from experience, and wow, just wow!!! Never ever ever again. Love your info!!
So validating... they’re so similar
Thanks Cynthia I appreciate you saying
worst sort of cowardice to think that makes them powerful to disrespect you behind your back. I've seen it, and when confronted, staring you in the eye lying to your face with that smug grin. My narc had a breakdown when I presented irrefutable evidence (ha!). Anyways, that was the solid beginning of the end. There is a total inability to intimately bond, every thing is faked and shallow. Such pathetic lack of identity and self-esteem, they are like junkies for any and all other attention. Always chasing the dragon of that honeymoon euphoria. Even after proof of devaluation, trying to project back upon you that it's only because you don't adore them enough... Just. Run. Away. If you are here, you already know it all too well.
Very eye opening what you have said looking back everything is so on point of the lies and manipulation... sickening. The stories never made sense in the back of mind,and now I know I was dealing with something unhuman
Paula ,, the narc devalued me everyday,, I figured out his tactics,, his control,, I discarded him last June,, 👍👍🕊🕊🕊
🥰😊
The shock is at the end when all of the verbal devaluation comes out during the discard. He was secretly judging me and holding on to it. He went back 30 years to things I thought had been resolved or didn't realize were an issue. He filed them for years and dumped all of this on me when I discovered his affair and called him out. I tried to set boundaries. He used all of his secret, long kept thoughts of me to shame me and blame me for his behavior and for the demise of our marriage.
you should have told him well if all these things bothered you, then your the dumb ass for staying with me and suffering in silence all these years. The narcissist is so stupid🙄
I had a very strong feeling he was cheating, if not physically, then emotionally. He denied it till the end and said he couldn't be with someone who thought he was doing that. Meanwhile his ex was always in the background and I think he was grooming someone else. I was kept invisible on social media. Strangely enough it would help me if I had proof of what was happening. There were signs, but he denied them, had excuses, often shady ones for scratches on his back (the cat), the condoms (had those still), being online while too busy to talk to me etc. It still gives me a headache, because my feeling says he was cheating, but I never caught him at it, nor was I trying to. I just asked questions and he deflected: when will you trust me? Well, it turned out, never.
O....m.....g the last time I saw the ugly meth head psychopath, he also had an excuse for scratches and blamed it on the poor cat. Oh this is infuriating and hilarious at the same time.
@@aquarius6119 It is very unlikely for a cat to scratch you on the back, isn't it? They only scratched when provoked. Deep sigh, I hate it that I'm still recovering and trying to make sense of all the bullshit, because there is No Sense, it's all Nonsense. They lie through their teeth and even seem to believe their fabrications.
I promise knowing hurts but I believe when we know, we know…meaning your suspicions were trying to help you…trusting our intuition is important
Mine was in an emotional affair with his childhood sweetheart, for a second time. She’s a Narcissist too. He refused to admit his behaviour was wrong, he left me because he wouldn’t stop his contact with her.
Yes they are very good at covering it up but it's a sense you get all you will get is gaslit, I remember once calling him out about cheating as this was going on, he rang his mother and r tried to force the phone in my hand I said no I will not in love her he was getting angrier then he put the phone to his ear and said... I think shes cheating on me. This is what type of deceptive Aholes were dealing with.
This post made me cry. My husband was cheating in our home for close to a year. He had me, his family,, my family and friends and everyone else believe he was deeply in love with me. It was all a lie.. there are days and moments i still have a difficult time processing and believing he would stoop that low.. Secret devaluation is the worst. You put a description to my story. I would say to myself he didn't devalue me verbally. But he had a secret. I have been devastated. His affair partner told it. I was totally blindsided. Thank you for this description. I am healing. I am.
🌹🌹
I am now where you were 11 months ago. Hope you are healing well. All the best
As an Empath it's a fine line between a gift and a curse. Very fine line
THIS TOPIC IS A HUNDRED PERCENT ON SPOT! DONT BE FOOLED! BLESSINGS!
This video is so on point, boredom and they like secrets and to know that they cheated on you and you don’t know. This is how I felt she was doing the whole time. Especially Paula when you said “ remember when I had to do everything for you, we’ll I was doing this the whole time behind your back” when you said that, that was really so creepy but so real. Excellent videos that I have to watch Paula to keep my head in REALITY!!!
😊🌹
I didn't find out that my narcissistic husband had been cheating on me for years until after he passed away this past March. I was completely blindsided with it. Not only cheating on me but doing so with other men! The majority of them were men!! I couldn't have been more shocked & devastated. I'm still reeling over it. With him being gone, I also have no way of confronting him with any of it now which is extremely difficult for me emotionally. I didn't think he could have destroyed me anymore than he had already before he died but I was wrong. I knew about a year & a half before he passed that he was narcissistic but didn't see him cheating like he had been nor did I ever imagine that he was bi-sexual!! We had been married for over 32 years when he suddenly passed & I'm even more angry now than ever bc clearly I had been used as a false image for him from the very beginning in that sense. Frankly I'm not sure I'll ever recover from all his years of narcissistic abuse and to top it all off he's now left me with even more pain to have to deal with after his death. Some days it's almost too much to handle. I so enjoy your vids from beautiful Ireland though & they have offered me some sense of peace so thank you for that.
Yes. They are all bi. Because again they can’t attach and it’s about the rush . And if women and men both adore them then they think they feel like God. They can hide all the cheating because rhwy compartmentalise people. Online dating profiles with no pics then they exchange . Burner phones they hide. You don’t want to know. It’s all of them
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I got hoovered like a dummy after I left my narc .... then she discarded me ... she thought I was dumb ... I gave her less attention and didn't react emotionally when she would rage ... I forced her to find a new supply and she doesn't even know it 🤣🤣🤣
You described what I went through. I found out about the cheating after discard. But I dont know the extend. There were many times my intuition was telling me something strange was going on. I am not attached to this person anymore and I am far away in a safe place. This has hurt me alot and find it very hard to trust again or even consider entering a serious relationship. Was that the goal or endgame? Making sure that I would never trust someone again? Doing this to someone is beyond evil. Was this person aware? How to battle this? Thank you for this video. I can realy relate.
They don’t care how they leave you once they have the control..but you not trusting again robs the world of a person of light..baby steps come back to your strength 🌹
they are but vile worms....and that is cruel to wormkind! 💚
Secrets and power! You describe this perfectly. If you wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy you might be forgiven for thinking that your enemy is a better person
I felt this before I could put it into words like you have done here so well
You understand them so well. You are definitely their enemy 👊 Thank you for making these videos.
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You know your stuff Paula, keep the knowledge up.
🙋♀️Korey thanks for the encouragement it helps 🌹
Good point about focusing on deceiving people. They are so sick
Very well explained Paula! Either we’re aware of it or not the devaluation is always there. I remember then there was lots of emotional cheating and it’s so subtle you don’t even see it. It could be just meeting up a friend of helping a friend in distress while it’s all fuel feeding the narc and subtle devaluation
As far as the devaluing right after they catch you....before the wedding we were living in my husband's cabin. We immediately sold it and purchased our new home. My husband went to closing on "our" new house as I stayed home packing. When he came home he informed me I wasnt put on the deed since I didn't contribute to the purchase. 😱
Because his cabin was an hour away from God up in the mountains I had to quit my job.
He worked out of town 4 days a week and the first time he left I was left up there with .12cents. and no gas. I QUICKLY became aware of the devaluing and isolation process. 7 years later I am still married to him and trapped as can be. I have been treated as an outsider when it comes to money, bills and any domestic issues. I have bookkeeping/accounting skills yet have nothing to say about our finances. I'm totally in the dark by all if his secrets. He wants me not working as well. He's a miserable SOB & I have the peace of God to get me thru. Take to heart what is being told here in these videos and get the heck out!!!!
I’m so grateful I was viciously badmouthed behind my back by my ex narc. She didn’t burn the bridge she blew it up !! Now that she realized the grass wasn’t greener she has no way to come back 😂😂😂 Narcs are so DUMB
I agree this is all horrendous, but you ant be devalued by someone cheating on you,they devalue themselves, not you
BLESSINGS AND THANK YOU!
3:00 I like how you mentioned how the reason that the devaluation happens is because "YOU DON'T GIVE THEM FUEL!" That's true, I wasn't so quite snake-bitten or nice after that. So are other empaths like yourself or myself I'm pretty sure. We beat ourselves up as having supposedly not fought it off soon enough. At least I forgot that I was fighting with my life or for my life against these secret devaluations that became NOT SO secret after a little while
It's been a relief and a miracle to listen to these videos of yours Paula. I've begun to break free and heal VERY fast!
The devaluation for me was to wreck my relationships with my grown kids. That’s what he wanted from me, or do to me. He showed me how superior he is because he can “own” them. He was so powerful he could wreck all my relationships. I have no idea what he told them. It must have been good because everyone believes it; if he wasn’t able to love I don’t deserve love either.
Thankyou Paula for your valuable informative channel
Thank you for this video, it made sooo many things clear to me! Nex HAD to devalue me, to keep from being vulnerable! 😳
There was never any hope there. He was never going to cherish me or be faithful. It was always going to end in pain!! 👺
Some won't cheat even though they will try.They expectations are incompatible to their attractiveness so they are turned down (ridiculously inadequate targeting). After a few failures they give up for some time at least (or until breaking up with you if a potential target knows you).Not all of them are keen on downgrading, that's for sure.After breaking up with me my narc tried to hit on my friend and he felt really let down when she wasn't into it.
I just found out a narcissist friend from the past passed away this week... may they rest in peace. I actually feel no loss and guilty that I know they'll never be able to hoover me again. I went no contact several years ago and I am feeling guilty that I feel nothing.
Yes secrets seeking power and control. Yes deception lies and cheating all the time 🙆. Thanks for sharing Paula 🌺🙏
Please no. He didn't devalue much. Very passive aggressively. I cannot believe this. He would even tell on himself. Omg
Hi Paula...great to see you...I have concluded that women will stop feeling bad about man cheating if they just realize the majority of them do right from the beginning...I have the feeling that the one I was dealing with did not devalue me as that persona...I believe it came to me through a different profile but same person...that way they could say as they wished as someone else and keep the mask on as the other person if that makes sense
Yes..🙋♀️..it does make sense
Being a man, and being the one whose been cheated on I find your above comment very hurtful. I am a good person and I’ve never had a thought pass my mind in 46 years of stepping out on anyone!
%100 believe I was in a secret devaluation
Mine is passive aggressive covert. He grinned in my face & never argued with me. But he was behind my back sticking it to me
What a awfull life they live
Living like that is a cruel punishment
Watching all day binge watching I guess love from Albuquerque.
Well said Paula. Your videos are so easily understood. It’s very upsetting when you discover that your whole relationship was a lie from the start. When you didn’t see the devaluation, when you felt off at times but didn’t know why you felt that way. Now after “discard” looking back you can see everything much more clearly. Like you said in another video you awake to the knowledge.
There is karma..........never had a good thing to say about anyone, was envious, and negative about everyone.
So resigned with this video Paula, had a break from narc land for a while, it does someone a world of good not to dwell your time on figuring out the narc , but your insight is so important to the community so thank you for your time x
Thanks Jane..nice to see you drop by 🥰
My ex said to me once "I hate that I need you" after I'd called her out for trying to manipulate me at a given moment.
Her mask stayed slipping.
I bet that scene was getting uglier and uglier....walking around with a half-face slippery mask that is what I experienced also,now that I think about it,slow disgusting disgust until 💥 the mask falls off and then you see satan incarnate and wow........then your intuition was right along
Nailed it as always!! ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks Eva ❤️🌹
I was in a relationship with one...sat the beginning of the relationship, she boldly assured me during the she would only date one person at ago. This raised my trust for her. But just 3 months down the road, i discovered she had another guy all along! I was shocked! I later on confronted her and she was shocked that i got to know about it!! All along she had this guy around! Guys i was broken! By then i had no single idea about narcissists in general. Just know it was a big pile of mess to me...🤦🏾♂️
25 yrs married. Yes there was emotional abuse but I Never ever thought he would cheat. Caught him 31 Dec 2020. Everybody was shocked. Our friends could not believe it. If I think back now, I think he has been cheating for years. I just did not catch him. It is 2023 and I'm still trying to get divorced. My advice...don't wait. Get out while you are still young.
I have been healing for 5 months. Your podcasts have helped me so much. I’m still thinking of aloe horrible things he did. Caused me trauma, and it was so hard to break things off and stay away. I’m getting therapy soon. I’m scared to have a relationship with anyone. Thank you for helping me understand what happened.
I had a feeling of de-valuing with my mother. I've only learned about this in the last year and that gave me the "A-ha" moment, as I thought..... "So that's what that was!". She was known as the "Queen", by her nine brothers (she was the oldest) and even my father dubbed her "Queen". She had a way of putting you down....no matter what subject you might try to engage with her. Oh, it was a misery. After she passed I no longer had knots in my stomach. I used to feel sick before, during and after a phone conversations. I ended up visiting very seldom as I was out of state....great excuse, right? My instincts told me to keep away without knowing what was wrong, it just felt emotionally painful. She couldn't be close, or nurturing in the slightest. This was long suffering, but its over now, and I am learning about this subject. My sis didn't fair well with her life. She lives alone with cats galore, and no contact with me. Sad, sad. She is a Narc with spite, very toxic. Happy ending though...I have a prince of a husband and he is a great in- house counselor. Wisdom pours out of him and he too has been bit by the Narc with his 1st terrible wife. I could go on and on but need to stop here! Everybody, keep hope high, and believe in yourself! There are wonderful people out there with great hearts....go fishing!! 😀
My ex husband narc has been lying and telling people we divorced before his new relationship, telling mutual friends that I was mentally ill and have multiple personality disorder which are all lies. It hurts but I am in no contact and don’t want to even give fuel to this. I hope karma is real.
Sounds like a lot of confused projection on his part Rebecca..he’s giving away a lot of information on himself there ❤️
@@NarcCon I appreciate your feedback! I will keep looking forward and letting him go!
I, too, hope Karma is real. This relationship was the worst ever. I never thought I’d meet such an immature, devil of a person. Never thought he could sink so low. I just imagine life with his new supply who is an ex as perfect. He expressed it was his chance at true love. He triangulated and brutally discarded me when I just a few months before stopped communicating as much with him and was on a fine path.
Karma is very real folks
@@monicadlynn I pray you are 💯 % correct! I do.....never have cared karma would get anyone else but for this poor excuse for a human being I do. He is long overdue!!!
great video thank you. for those who have not healed hang in there. for those who have the knowledge my comment is i do not feel sorry for the narc con but i do feel a great deal of sadness or sorrow because i know they cannot look at themselves in the mirror but that's life free will and if you choose to become a narc con oh well thank you paula and have a blessed day everyone ~
Thanks John 🌹
he takes so much pleasure in my pain and suffering, "schadenfreude " german for feeling pleasure due to others downfall and pain
Without a doubt, a keeper video. Wonderful
Insight (and perspective too). I am amazed at, having been on the web so short a time, you have managed to dive deep, not only because of your personal experience.
Congrats Paula!
The crux of the matter is RIGHT ON, plus the others, boredom. I learn with you. I get stronger with you. Who knew that having met these evil clowns would lead to a lifetime of new-found freedom and a fresh new look at Everything. Keep it up....your place in heaven is assured....jijiji
🙋♀️Jose thanks my friend as always..really..I think once you put the knowledge with your personal experience you can really get into their heads and the memories make sense..unfortunately..🌹
“deceptive personality construct.... “says it all for me!
Perfectly described 👍🏻 but knowing all this after discard is so painful! this is very unfair. How can they get away so easily with what they do to others??
In a way, i suppose they don’t. They live with an emptiness that can’t ever be satisfied. They are masking a sadness of seemingly infinite depth.
That the plain Evil in them🤬🤬
100% FACTS!!!!!
I am so greatful for the material you cover that I found no one else on here does as well as your approach and insight, you are helping me not only understand but actually heal, THANK YOU BEAUTIFUL LADY...MUCH LOVE & LIGHT...( I think he hates me bc he may have just as much of a trauma bond or codependency as I did...only difference is I am able to heal and he is not...uhg can't wait to be free of this mess, you can cut the tension in my home with a knife...so toxic
Sorry to hear your going through this..getting free and no contact really is the best way to heal 🌹
@@NarcCon Thank you so much, whats saddens me most now is that I have no support at all,my own mother and best friend didn't belive me ,let alone offer any support, I amall alone, facing homelessness to keep my sanity and what's left of my health, maybe that is what God wants for me to maybe learn something else, but I do have faith that in the end I will be blessed for enduring such evil all my life alone and never actually knowing what it feels like to be Loved unconditionally...I do hope its what he gifts me with in the end. but I know the self love journey I am on is the true gift....You are an inspiration, so educated and well spoken, compassionate and beautiful...I do hope you know that about urself now...GOD BLESS YOU AND THE WORK YOUR DOING, I HOPE SO MUCH TO FIND MY CONFIDENCE SO I CAN CONTRIBUTE AS WELL. ..........NAMASTE 🙏
Just have opened my eyes so wide!! Thanks for help in my healing ❤️ a long hard road with at last some joy again
Wow - this is so insightful... I was with my ex for almost 9 yrs, married 3, 5 yr old daughter... he had an emotional affair with someone he met on a hike and 8 weeks later he left me & his fam... I suspect now that there were other infidelities that I don’t know about - so this was spot on for me... can you pls do a vid on how the narc is able to take off one costume and put on another totally different one so quickly? In my case my hubby played happily married man, father, stable- then switched to single, bear Grylls style outdoorsy guy (in keeping with what the new supply wants)... I just can’t fathom how much of a chameleon he is and I assume he doesn’t even give our lives together a second thought- he portrays an ‘I am a new person now’ vibe...
Yes will do a vid
This is exactly what happened. After I had left him two weeks later he told me he had been cheating on me for the last year how much she meant to him on and on. Only he left one important fact out she's in prison for the next 5 years. Didn't tell me that either to hurt me. Finally told me when the hoover came. It is just really sick.
My ex-narc discarded me and attempted to prevent my closure. She continued to make it sound like she cared about me and she didn't actually want to break up. I found out later that she was immediately in a relationship with another guy that same week, so she was cheating on me the entire time. It was only at that moment I realized I had been dealing with someone who had NPD. Then I saw our entire history in a new light and all her actions became clear. The devaluation phase was less than 2 weeks and the discard was so quick.
Paula, I’ve listened to this video over and over. You present in such a way that gives me so much clarity. Thank you
This is soooo true
Everything you touched on makes perfect sense . It has definitely cleared the fog for me . ❤️
Jamie Galluzzo,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
There is a film on the lies that narcs tell , it’s called ‘The Secret Life’ great to watch it!
Amen I could so relate with all 6 reasons!
Renee Schroeder,You got a lovely smile 😊
Thankyou SO very much. Finally a video that resonates with me....as I have been so confused.❤
Spot on! Been through exactly as you stated.
She lied about never been married and never having kids. She was in fact married, and had kids. She lied about this and other things. I only discovered the truth after 1 year. I left her immidiatly after showing her the facts. Now I feel that i lived a lie. She love bombed me real good. I should follow my instincts more often. Because i always had a feeling the she was hidding stuff from me all the time, due to her projections, inconsistency, fake promises, etc etc, all those narcisitsic traits and behaviors that i now realise she always had.
Thank you for your content!!!! The videos are really helping me. Really needed this for today specifically!!!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏
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They just wanted to destroy my sacred relationships that were innocent heart from childhood and gaining billions of ars at the same time. Money was their MAIN GAIN as well as with the destruction of all my life and years that I could have lived without them on my phone and without them on my computer using people they believed I knew that I did not ever know. It's extremely confusing even still. Then they try to send me other people they think they could choose for me instead of the person my Lord wanted me with.
Hi Paula. The video was very helpful. It helped me to remember some things in my previous relationship that I would have never looked at as devaluation. The fact gaslighting is used so extensively, we have to remember this is devaluation in itself.
I remember one time when I was given a Timex watch. Do the narcissist would point out everyday how wonderful this watch was. Mind you, it was just a black sports watch.
I would always take the watch off and put it in my vanity drawer. One time we had a couple with their child over our house, and my watch went mysteriously missing afterwards.
I looked high and low for this watch over and over in the house, in my vanity drawer. The Narcissist husband made a phone call to this couple accusing their son of taking the watch when he was in the bathroom.
Then I was told to go look for the watch just in case in which I found right in the vanity drawer.
I was accused of making him call the couple and accuse them of stealing it.
I never asked him to call the couple. I didn't want him to call the couple. But I really felt like I was going crazy because I apparently was told I didn't look well enough for the watch.
I believed it was my fault too.
Devaluation techniques.
I believe gaslighting is a form of devaluation that many of us victim survivors don't realize is happening to us at the time.
Videos like this trigger actual memory that we didn't see then, but see now w the trigger open n education researched.
There will be thousands of examples like this through our relationships.
I think the devaluation is so subtle, that the cognitive dissonance involved w gaslighting has to be really looked at in layers. Thank you again for all of your help.
And by the way, thank you for recommending Tanya's Channel narc no more.
She's wonderful and there's another woman called pink girl teaches that have the spiritual background to all of this.
I'm so grateful for all of you 3 beautiful ladies.
Much love to you and Remi!
Yes great channels great women
@@NarcCon the spiritual elements to these relationships are what brought me to ur channel bc no one speaks enough about this. Prof Vaknin mocks the demonic aspects of this. So when I found you wome talking about this, I was so grateful. Id been asking God to bring me to the people that I can speak his word and you three showed up within days!!!
I think his devaluation was starting his smear campaign at the beginning of our relationship
Once again you filled in the blanks!
Right we’re vulnerable & they are mot =power
We love you and Remy 🐶💞!
❤️😊🐕
I got the secret devaluation so when I was discarded it was a complete shock.
ALL ALONG WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP, ... THEY SECRETKT HATE YOU!
Thank you
Thank you Paula, I love all your videos.🌹
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