Autism and Executive Function (My Executive Functioning Fail!)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 พ.ค. 2024
- I used to think I didn't struggle with executive function challenges... I was wrong. The more I leaned about autism and executive functioning the more I realised it applies directly to me.
My view of myself was shattered with one epic fail that caused me to re-evaluate how I manage my time and tasks. Learning about autism executive function can be extremely helpful to create personal strategies that work for you in managing the demands of daily life.
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
01:07 - What is executive function?
02:03 - Executive function in a predictable environment like schools
03:22 - Executive function in real life
05:56 - Realizing that executive function take so much of my energy
07:03 - My executive function fail
11:20 - Lesson from my executive function fail
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Ah man! When I have several priorities of the same importance, that's when my stress levels go up and I will sometimes shut down; because in my mind all of these things need to be done right now. But since I can't do everything at once, I get overwhelmed, my anxiety goes up, and I become paralyzed as I sit there and do nothing; not wanting time to pass (because I feel like there is never enough).
So me too
Same! Only I keep moving doing one task at a time while the suppresssd anxiety eats me up inside. Every single morning is this way for me.
Same!! Yeah me so grateful for my husband who can step in and help me make choices at times like this. He’s wonderful and doesn’t make the choices for me (unless that what I need at that moment) but helps me prioritize when I just can’t.
Yeah, this is hell for me. The amount of complaints I got before my diagnosis is nuts. Depending on where you are, you should look into accommodations. I am now allowed to move deadlines at work a bit which makes things a lot easier because my boss vets my tasks and tells me which ones I can move around when a lot have the same priority.
This makes organizing anything a hell for me which i need a multitude of breaks from.
I was reading about executive function and couldn't totally grasp what it meant or if it applied to me, until one day in very classic fashion I was wondering around my room just stuck between doing my dishes, making my bed, doing some organizing work on my PC, going to pick up some stuff from the supermarket and some odd errands, eating breakfast/lunch - none of which was particularly time sensitive or important. I did this for almost an hour, just vaguely wandering around my room not doing anything but thinking about all of it, constantly. The not being able to prioritize thing you said really resonated. As I was doing this I realized; oh, this is executive dysfunction, it's me. Then I just started making lists on my phone and having it organized by priority, even if there is no reason for something to be above another thing, doesn't matter the list order is now my priority order, and this helps me stay flexible, if I want to prioritize something else I drag it up the list, boom, now I am autistically adaptable.
Another time I was back from a weekend tournament, we're talking back to back 14 hour days of being on my feet running and sprinting around. I didn't need my phone, I could even articulate that to my friend but couldn't find it and I literally needed to be told to just go to bed, I was too tired to be able to make such a simple decision. It might be the thing that makes me feel most stupid about being autistic, I know I'm nto but that is how it makes me feel. That and really simple communication mishaps. Ugh.
I 100% relate with the comment of if it’s not in the calendar it doesn’t exist. I also found that using an online style digital calendar is the best way for me to get organized. I went as far as to use a joint email for mine with my husband so we both have access to the same calendar. This way we can both add things and see what is coming up soon for either one of us and I don’t have to constantly keep track of everything for both of us on my own and I don’t need to be the “gate keeper” of the calendar. It has really removed a ton of stress from my life. Also if we are doing something like driving somewhere I can ask my husband or he can ask me to add something to the calendar and it’s done while we are thinking about it. My only 1 downfall is if I accidentally forget to give myself reminders for an event, I always use the reminder function so that I remember ahead of the event. I usually do a 1 hour reminder unless it’s something where I need to get ready ahead of time and then I’ll do like 2 or 3 hours or even the day before reminder. I am a fan of multiple reminders as well so I’m prepared. Anyways thanks for this video and your content!
Agree: when I'm tired before and after bedtime, sometimes I need to make a list where I can cross off items to be done such as brush teeth, fix bed, feed cats, or when I wake up list something as simple as reminding myself to put on my socks and shoes and even to go to the bathroom. I know it sounds crazy but it's weird that I want to jump immediately into the detailed subject matter that really interests me whether it's reading or working on a specific project but I also know that before I do that I have to complete some really menial tasks that also need to be completed too but if I'm feeling strong resistance to the menial tasks I'll either get really sleepy or really confused or foggy minded and I won't do the menial tasks but I get stuck and then don't do anything and get myself going.
ASD, ADHD and NVLD are really connected and have a lot of overlap. We need one big neurodiverse community because there is a lot we can learn from each other.
Sign me up. Clinically disgnosed with ADHD, self diagnosed with ASD, and very well might have NVLD.
Though, the community would have to be online for me to participate because in-person social interaction takes too much energy for me.
Yes! We could make groceries together and take the fear out of it!
Even tho I'm not in any of these neurological conditions officially, i strongly agree w this idea
What is NVLD? I was diagnosed with asperger's, PPD, and general anxiety, in late 2012/early 2013. This year I turned 55, on 3/17.
@@micheletaylor3941 Happy Birthday!! I have no idea what NVLD is. Nevada Landuse Department?
Using Google Calendar has really saved me. I have had ao many "fails" like the ones you shared, and using the electronic calendar, with lots of reminders, has helped. However, even with this tool, I have had important things slip. It's always a source of anxiety that I will forget something.
You can use Google Tasks and hide it in Google Calender but still get reminders about the tasks. This way the calendar doesn't look cluttered. That's how I do it.
I also found - after comparing several free android apps - that Google Calendar works best for me.
I used to be absolutely horrible at executive function. Though, I didn't know what it was called back then. I was diagnosed with ADHD at around 25 and sought out a psychologist experienced in that to help me learn to function better. She was tremendously helpful to me!
One of the things I learned is to accept that I won't remember things on my own. If I have an appointment, write it down. I use an online callender for everything now, including having alarms set within the calendar. And she said, if I needed to remember to bring something with me someplace, place it where I couldn't possibly avoid it - like right in front of the door. Or if I had to stop somewhere on my way to somewhere else, place an item on the dashboard to iritate me and remind me to stop.
That was a long time ago. I'm 47 now. And am recently self-diagnosed with autism as well. And I have been using techniques like that for so long now that it is almost second nature to now. It makes life so much easier for me.
That being said, I almost missed a very important appointment this week. An appointment to see a primary care physician for the first time in roughly 15 years. It was a BIG deal to me.
I had it in my calendar. I had an additional alarm set. I went to bed thinking of it. And in the morning I woke up past the time that the alarm should have gone off. I looked at the alarm and realized that I had set it for the wrong day. It wasn't actually set for that morning at all!
So, had I not woken up, by chance, on my own, at a time that I was not usually up, I would have missed this appointment completely. Which I almost did!
I did make it to the appointment. But only by skipping taking care of my dog and my cats that morning. They didn't get breakfast until after I got back. (Which was fine, because it was earlier than we were usually up anyway.) But, still. If it had been an appointment that would have taken more time, I wouldn't have been able to get there by skiping feeding my pets first. (I still feel bad about making them wait.)
This tells me that I am still very capable of messing up important things like that.
This kind of mistake used to be very common for me. And I have actually missed many important things and been late to almost everything throughout my life. No matter how hard I tried. I was well known for that.
I think I mostly don't notice much anymore because I do set so many reminders now. And because I've arranged my life so that I very rarely have anything to miss anymore.
I know. That was long. But hey, that's how we on the autistic spectrum write. Detailed and long. So, at least I am at home here.
“ And I have actually missed many important things and been late to almost everything throughout my life. No matter how hard I tried. I was well known for that. ”
I can totally relate to this! It is so challenging when you try so hard and yet still can be late anyway, and often.
PS: I really enjoyed reading and didn’t notice anything too long or too detailed! You painted the picture and it was relatable and valuable to me, so thanks for sharing your experiences :)
@@reneesolana6697 Awe, thank you so much! 🤗 It is hard, isn't it? I was actually told many times that I would be late to my own funeral. I truly do try my best to be on time. But I seem incapable of being consistently on time.
Even for dates with a guy who I really loved. I finally started just leaving my door unlocked if he was coming over and told him to just come in while I finished getting ready. Because I knew that I wouldn't be ready. He was remarkably patient about that. 💖
Now I have basically cut out from my life just about everything that requires being anywhere at a specific time. (I didn't cut out the guy. He left on his own.)
Thank you for the kind reply! Hugs!
Your story is very, very close to mine; I could've written it.
I use the same kind of tricks & mechanisms to some success but, just like you illustrated, a single slip-up can lead to many complications.
I have to keep constant vigilance or things start to unravel. That can get heavy at times, but also allows me to do things I like that I couldn't otherwise.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I ain’t reading all of that. This is TH-cam, not a book.
"if I needed to remember to bring something with me someplace, place it where I couldn't possibly avoid it - like right in front of the door."
Long ago I adopted the "all in one basket" approach. Everything I need to take with me goes in a pile in the same place so that even if I only consciously remember 1 of 5 items I effectively remember all 5.
I don't have a diagnosis, but I've suspected that I may be on the spectrum for a couple of years. Executive functioning is the area I struggle with the most. Before I started researching and found out about executive disfunction I would describe it as my brain felt like it was "buffering." I get stuck between simple tasks and it feels like my brain is spinning -and then I end up feeling overwhelmed and I don't get anything done. Right now I need a marker board calendar, a pocket calendar, and a more general notebook to keep track of day to day stuff.
Hmm, the buffering idea could be on the nail and fit the possible prior burnout of my other comment- is that pre-task thinking then burnout before starting feeling one you get as if you do maybe the buffering feeling is it's done all that over-pre-prep for the task (possibly both consciously and subconsciously) and it's trying to upload it- if so is there a way for us on the spectrum to bridge that gap, maybe something just before the task start that allows the brain to upload its readiness or get over whatever other block it's putting in the way, can't help feeling if you could solve how to let the autie brain do the task the way it's trying to (which could differ for different people) maybe it could solve this problem, possibly even be an advantage?
Do you plan out your day (to-do list) before you start your tasks? Some people like to do this the night before but I like to wind down at night and not be worried about the next day so much. So in the morning I evaluate what I need to do (this works for housework, but obviously if you have special appointments to keep, it's useful to know that the night before!).
For those of us with executive function challenges, planning (including things like shopping lists) take a lot of mental effort and are exhausting for us. So the experts say we should separate the planning from the doing.
Set a time where you are just making your plan and then spend the other time just doing the items on your list. Instead of trying to plan as you go and decide what you should do next.
That way you have enough mental energy for both things and you eliminate anxiety.
Yep and add meds and other stuff did not help. This affects your brain in so many ways that typical psychology/Paychiatry/teaching. Typical anything does not work!!!! And then it becomes completely demoralizing because you wonder why it works for everyone else who seems less smart or less together than you and you can’t seem to get it right in spite of all this hell that’s when I started looking at what’s really behind a lot of my stuff and noticing people in my family and I’m pretty sure unless his brain damage I’ve even had a neuropsych eval but unless it’s I don’t know I’m pretty sure it’s definitely thus
@@jamie3039 I would love to plan, but it’s amazing without the structure and with all of these open decisions and times and what not I found I’ve absolutely not been able to plan. I also don’t have the skills for deciding what I want long-term and if I can do it and being sure why I’m doing it and just being able to parse things out in the calendar it’s it’s crazy how impossible it is for me I almost feel like it be easier if I had stuff to do
Some of The most stressful things for me would be having someone for dinner (what to make, what time to eat, do they like it, is it what would be expected etc etc) Same for pot-lucks. My mind goes blank and I get anxious when people ask what I can bring. Not sure why
I definitely have the same issue with cooking for other people! I really want them to like whatever I made and spend a lot of time trying to decide and then even more time trying to figure out if they like it
Same. I just buy out it is so much easier
The blank mind thing...oh yes! And I hate figuring out what to bring for foods, even though I am a decent cook. I'm so afraid I will forget to get the ingredients or forget to cook it on time...mess it up and be left with nothing to bring...or serve. Awful.
I have a version of that - I keep everything in a calendar just like you do, but I also have the further problem sometimes of knowing what I need to do, but being unable to make myself do it. It's like a giant boulder suddenly appears in my path and I just can't find a way over or around it or face tackling it at all. I think that's related to the Task Initiation aspect of Executive Functioning (or sometimes Task Switching). One strategy is to break down the first step into even smaller ones to find the very first tiny step I can make myself do -- grabbing a bit of momentum can get things back on track.
I totally get the boulder blocking you. I have that too.
I so feel this! Sometimes it helps me to break the task down into the simplest steps so I can see the way to start.
Me, too! When my mom used to ask me to clean my room I literally had no idea where to start, so I couldn't do it. Unless she told me what order to do it in, and then I was fine.
And if I sat down to do my homework by myself I literally could not force myself to move that bolder to do the homework. I just sat there staring at it feeling like throwing up. But if my mom asked me any individual question from my homework I could do it easily. Unfortunately, that wasn't the way homework time went. I was just told to get it done. (Apparently my parents thought that I would just get over my problem if they told me to do it and didn't help.) Which meant I just stopped bringing homework home so the issue would be gone.
@@anyascelticcreations That's why it's so important to identify and understand these things, both for ourselves and for children, so we can develop strategies to function well.
@@archienness I agree. I do much better now that I understand better how I function. Though to be honest, I have mostly eliminated things from my life that are extremely difficult for me to do. And what I do have to do, I go at in small pieces if I can.
Funny enough, I would probably be a fairly decent parent because I am very understanding of these things. But I chose not to have any kids.
Hopefully more people will learn, though. So that growing up can be easier for kids going forward.
I was diagnosed just last Summer at the age of 29.
Asperger's, ADD, Dysthymia (Persistent Depressive Disorder), Generalized Anxiety, and Executive Function Defecits.
It's really helped me learn a lot more about myself and how my brain works. A good example of my defecits in executive function is when gift shopping for my wife.
She does a great job. Very creative and thoughtful gift ideas.
For me, I just get paralyzed by the options and am unable to make a decision. She tells me "You've known me for 10 years, you should know what I like by now!"
But when it comes to Fashion for example, there are so many hundreds of different brands, styles, colors. I wouldn't want to pick the wrong thing! If I walked into a Macy's, I wouldn't even know where to start.
Clothes? Do I get her a shirt? pants? dress? Summer outfit or something for work?
Maybe shoes? Does she want flats? sandals? heels? boots? moccasins?
Jewelry is tough. I know she likes diamonds (what girl doesn't?), but do I get a bracelet? ring? earrings? Necklace?
You get the idea. I do much better when she gives me a wishlist of a bunch of things that she might want, then I just grab from that list.
I hear you, I run into the same thing with my husband, after 25 yrs married I still never quite get him what he wants for a gift. Me? He gets it right ever time. the solution that works? Just give him cash, he'll get what he needs
I’ve got a suggestion! My husband and I have landed on creating long gift lists of things we want. That way, we’re helping each other out with not having to guess at what the other person wants. And since it’s a large list, it’s less likely we’ll know what the other person has gotten us when the packages arrive in the mail.
I feel anxious just reading that! :)
This basically just explained everything I’ve been struggling with my entire life, especially the past three years which is when life has gotten very chaotic.. what to do about it…
Incredible. Until I started my journey down this rabbit hole, I was sure that everyone functioned like that, e.g. not getting appointments right without calenders. I remember, a few years ago, I was at a doctors office in the waiting room, which is right next to the reception, and a woman was asking for an appointment. She was offered a date (around three months waiting) and she just nodded. They asked her, if they should write it down for her...nope. I was completely awestruck. How could she remember, if she had free time that day? She surely would have at least forgetten the exact time when she got home, wouldn't she? Since then I've met so many other people who can do that. But how do they do that? HOW??? I can't even remember the time of the bus I need to take the next day, when it's new to me. And my memory is not that bad. I wrote several exams without extra studying at home (which might tell me something about how well I prioritize).
Also, if there are too many tasks and I didn't take time to put them in order, I sometimes get kind of petrified. Like my cat, when my parents lifted a tarpaulin and several mice had made their home underneath it. The poor cat was so confused and before he could react... the mice had run away. :D
I go through phases of being really good at executive function. I constantly know when an appointment is coming up, I can keep track of what day it is, I am aware of all the projects that are currently in progress and I don't need to write down one single thing. I don't even need shopping lists during those times. But then I start to spiral into autistic burnout and executive function is the first to go. That shit just takes way to much energy. And I can't seem to figure out a way to make it less energy intensive, because a calender just means one more project to maintain and when my executive function is crumbling I don't manage to check and, what's even worse, fill in the calendar anymore. The best calendar with the best notification system can't help you if it dosn't know when you need the reminders.
This is literally the reason why my therapist came to the conclusion I have autism. Executive function is the worst struggle in my life atm.
My working memory can be as low as 1s. That's why calendars are mostly useless to me, because it takes more than one second to make an entry.
If I have more than one task with the same priority I return to default mode and do none of them. Makes it look like I'm lazy. This got worse at work, when my teamleader got promoted to groupleader and I didn't have a direct contact telling me what to do next. For programmers: I'm a while loop kinda guy, less a foreach one. I just want to say "next" instead of knowing everything in advance. Although I prefer foreach when writing code^^
In terms of organizing, my whole life is a mess. My whole (private) desk is a big junkyard. The flat too, but a gf with adhd doesn't help there either. I need really strong incentives or triggers to start doing something around the house.
Making decisions is also immensly stressful. Most of my current clothes are almost a decade old, because shopping is a nightmare. I often need several hours, sometimes days to recover from just shopping. Online shopping isn't much better either. I don't think I possess a single t-shirt that's bought by myself. It's all just presents from other people. And most of them have moth holes...
Same with food. I don't have a dishwasher, so I only cook one-pot meals and eat from that same pot to not have any dishes to clean.
On the bright side, I have started taking ADHD meds. They've reduced anxiety, increased motivation and help me to do, what I want to do. It was eye opening to finally be able to just execute a function I intended. It's like I've been given back controls to my character again.
I can definitely relate. A lot of times, Aspergers will present as things like OCD, with the triple-checking stuff. I can also relate to the fact that if I don't constantly check my calendar, I'm prone to forgetting to do things, going to appts, etc.
I have ASD and ADHD, so for me what I find to be worse about EDys is my very rigid, routine driven, logical ASD side getting so upset when my ADHD gremlin rears it's head and blows up any kind of routine or organisation 🤷🏼♀️
I can relate! It's terrible for me.
Same
Yep- this will make you even more fawning or trapped. Right now I don’t know how to live anymore and wel don’t even have the energy to bother
It seems that there are two worlds inside of us. 🥲
This came at the perfect time for me; I've been thinking about this exact problem and your explanation helped so much. I recently made a really simple but big mistake planning a trip even though I was going through every single detail and part of the issue was that once I think something is settled I turn it off so that I don't keep going over it. Most of the time it's great but it can lead to some big misses.
In terms of strategies, I also use my calendar-if it's not in there it doesn't exist. Day-to-day I use so many timers and alarms. I'm constantly telling Siri to remind me about things later so that I can turn it off in my brain. This is also a big part of why going out without planning stresses me out; it means I have to recheck a bunch of things that I've already assigned a time and space to. Thank you so much for this insight.
I use my phone calendar, but then write a wall calendar for my husband and a dry erase calendar for my daughter. Pretty sure we all have ASD but my daughter is the only one diagnosed. Calendars always work great for us until they don't 😅 Usually it takes something emotional, a family emergency, a meltdown, etc. and the calendar gets erased for a day or 2. We can only do what we can do!
I am naturally very bad with executive functioning.
This is what I do that helps.
For work, I use my phone calendar and check it the night before.
For other areas of my life such as health/fitness, errands, relationships, projects, etc, I use a different notebook for each and put it in a different part of the house.
I use only felt tip black pens to write (using different types of pens changes my mental focus too much).
In the bedroom I have a dream journal.(remembering my dreams somehow helps me keep track of what's meaningful; which helps with prioritizing),
When I clean the house, different things I want to do pop into my mind. I write them down on a paper that I've divided into 6 sections. Each section represents a different category.
Besides work, I use my feelings to determine when it's time to do something. I decide based on balancing out how I feel.
I also imagine different life categories as cups that are full, half full or empty. Then I picture different categories and feel where they are. This helps me prioritize as well.
I love to zone out and go into creative modes. I use a timer for that.
I'm shocking with executive functioning because of my PTSD. I'm so demoralised it's come to a point where I have to use a diary and blackboard to remind me of all my tasks and appointments
Thank you for sharing and referring how you access feelings for things. I think I am this type as well but have ended up doing this subconsciously and not consciously. Lately my dreams have been telling me if I feel something isn’t good by me, don’t try to do or tackle it, as no matter what the result will be the same. Hard to explain but I need to start honoring and playing by feelings instead of numbers and pros and cons. And trusting the feelings and intuitipn, even trusting if It goes wrong, hopefully it will be ok. This part is really hard because I don’t want it to affect others in my life to help support me.
@@Studio-of1th I can understand that. When I get overwhelmed I have limited amount of access to my memory and decsion making is really challenging. Glad to hear those things you do help. Sorry I didn't noticed this reply until now!
@@visionvixxen I use a dream journal as well, helps with awareness of feelings and thoughts so I can step back and see them all. Then re-evaluate how things went as more experience reveals the situation.
I set alarms in my mobile phone: one 24hrs earlier, another half an hour previously and another ten minutes earlier, for birthdays (even mine!), dates and any compromise. I make lists of everything. I thought that a fail on executive function makes you lazy.
That wouldn't have worked for me when I was invited to a BBQ, because I was invited about two weeks prior by a work colleague. But because nobody mentioned after that at work, it left my memory after a few days, and made plans with my friend to go to the fair on the same day. It didn't occur to me until about 8:00 that evening! I didn't think that something could possibly slip my memory so badly, and I felt terrible for not going to it. I don't even think they believed me when I said that I forgot all about it.
@@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy This happens to me a lot! I use reminders on my phone to add things to my calendar and that's helped me out a bunch but when I don't it doesn't go well.
I have to check my calendars & set reminders, on phone & paper (fridge door) or else I’ll miss something! I like it when doctors text appointment reminders.
I'm great at making out a schedule for the day, but to carry it out is next to impossible. Right after I make the schedule I then proceed to defy it, ignore it, and rewrite it as I go through the day not following it. It's maddening as hell and at the end of the day I succeed in making myself feel absolutely powerless, hopeless and frustrated that I can't get a damn thing done, started or finished. And another day passes and the work just piles up evermore......
Sleeping well is key for better executive functioning!!! It is needed to lower anxiety, so as to get good rest during the night. If you are less tired and stressed, your brain will work better. This is not just for the Aspies, this will work for everybody. The anxiety and stress pieces are the ones that makes us tired, and we are tired a lot of problems are triggered. Good night sleep is like resetting the cache!
Unfortunately, many of us struggle severely with sleep. I know I definitely do. No amount of "sleep hygiene" helps. And yes, it definitely does mess up our brain. (I will be talking with a medical doctor about that soon.)
@@anyascelticcreations I used to take en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promethazine 1-2h before bedtime .. but now I dont need it anymore.
Before my burnout and ASD diagnosis last year I used to fall asleep at 3 am and get up 7:30. At about age 24 I just decided that it does not make sense to go to bed before midnight because I could not sleep anyway.
@@LarsOutzen I looked it up and I'm tempted to ask the doctor for it. But I react badly to a lot of sedatives. Though, if something worked it would be awesome. What did you do to not need it anymore? Also, I can relate to not even bothering to go to bed until I am about to pass out. If I go before my my body and brain are ready I will only toss amd turn all night.
I sleep 10 hours and I'm not sure it's doing much for me. Get more done on days where I can't sleep at all and have nothing better to do than work.
@Carla Mon, it's very easy to say "get good rest," but if you're on the autism spectrum, it can be extremely difficult to "get good rest." I've struggled with "insomnia" ever since I was a small child, long before I learned I'm autistic (Asperger's/ASD, with SPD and a few others). Even if I go to bed at 7 p.m., I will lay there until 11, 12, or later before falling asleep. I've tried natural supplements like GABA, melatonin (which gives me nightmares), magnesium, etc. but the sleep thing is always an issue. I get better rest when napping in the afternoons, but then it's losing half the day to a long nap (and please don't start about "power naps" of 15 minutes....believe me, I've tried the gamut over these many years, including "resetting" my sleep schedule by staying up one hour later each night and getting up exactly 8 hours later, until my "clock" has been "reset." Didn't work.) I'm learning from these and other autism videos that autistics like me DO have sleep problems, quite often.
(And drugs DO NOT work well for me. I avoid prescription drugs as much as possible, as they *really* mess up my system.)
Much as you may think you're being helpful, it gets tiresome when someone tosses off a glib bit of advice like "get better rest!" It's in the same league as, "Just grow a thick skin!" and ""Just have more confidence around people!" and "Just learn to be more outgoing!" Really easy to say, but impossible for an autistic person to "just" do these things. Like That Autistic Guy says: it's like saying to someone in a wheelchair, "Just get up and walk!"
What do you do when you just can't get going? When any task makes you feel overwhelmed? This is what my grown up kids struggle with the most. They try to get in to a routine and then they revolt against it. Personally I can't have long lists of things that need to be done, then my brain goes in to "lalala I can't hear you" (been through an assessment for autism, and although I have traits I don't qualify due to my intelligence profile being without areas where I perform worse, which apparently was a very important criteria).
My kids often complain that most coping strategies seem to be saying "just do it" and they feel so bad for not being capable of doing that.
I want the answer to this! My probably autistic son will lay on the floor and cry that he doesn't know why he can't clean the toilet, or whatever the chore is. He really doesn't know why!!
I have that resistance to self organisation too . It's like I'm oppositionally defiant to myself. I really need to understand that.
Prior to watching this video, based on the title, I thought it wouldn't apply to me in any way, but after watching it I found it completely relates to me. In my work as a courier I am very logically organized and my time is something I've mapped out throughout the day. The result is productive and efficient. At home I keep three calendars updated daily to remember important events because without them I would be lost and end up disappointing myself and others. I also use family group chat to organize get togethers where everyone can contribute, then there is a written record we can use to go back on, who's bringing what as an example. It works very well. Thank you for making these videos!
It’s amazing how much sense you make as I listen to your stories. The more I hear about different aspects of Asperger’s the more it describes who I am. Thank you for helping me to figure out how to understand my journey.
I was diagnosed in 2018 at age 47 & it was a damn miracle. I do SO MUCH LESS than I used to & it has absolutely changed my life. I can't tell you how many jobs I've lost & embarrassments I've endured due to meltdowns - all because I had zero clue that I was repeatedly getting in over my head, taking on too much responsibility, &/or allowing myself to become overwhelmed. For the first time in my life, I've had the same job for over 2.5 years & feel I've achieved a stability & (humble) success I never thought I'd attain.
Imma send the first 4 minutes of this to my boss b/c it EXACTLY explains the week I just had. She's really understanding about my struggles & limitations when I recognize, classify, & then work on a plan to mitigate them (which we will often come up with together.)
As for scheduling, time management, & remembering: I'm not sure when it began, (maybe 12 years old?) but I'm a calendar & list junkie. I've got many of each & refer to them multiple times daily. I have a very difficult time reading more than short paragraphs, bullet-items, or lists on-screen & calendars are too vague & etherial on-screen; for me, they have to be physical. (Funny, I was wearing this tshirt today: "Analog girl in a digital world.")
Thank you fo this Paul. I was nodding along throughout! As always, you put these things into words so well, but I think many of us in the autism community and neurodivergent community in general will completely understand this challenge. I also wish I'd known about it decades ago. For example when I completely forgot to collect one of my children from school. (Yes, really). (And yes, they were fine. Another mum fortunately took control of that situation!) Or the time when I left my handbag (and all contents) somewhere and didn't even realise when I got home!!! (Oh the confessions of a late diagnosed autistic woman...that needs to be a book.)
But seriously, this challenge is so common in our community and yet we are often just not aware of our own needs regarding it. We seem to just 'get by' a lot of the time in some kind of disorganised, chaotic game of chance, whereas if we are aware of our personal limitations we can then find personalised ways to create our own systems and failsafes. I spent so many years frustrated and angry with myself for being so useless at this when it seemed to come so naturally to other people! Now I forgive myself, laught at it and work at making my own systems, rather than failing at those systems created for us by neurotypical society.
This challenge is so sad though- it made College ridiculously stressful for me. Made me have to drop out of so many graduate programs, including medical school- and I didn’t know what wrong - and couldn’t ask a million questions since my questions were not typical ones and no one knew what I needed help with or how to give it. I felt like such a failure and so demoralized. Only now, after 30 years, have I gotten down to executive function , ADD and not just mood disorder. I am still undiagnosed but guaranteed high functioning autism…. How to even learn these gaps in my thinking and find the professionals to help me put it all together- who knows?
But Vyvanse in the morning helps me do at least one task.
I have been organizing and prioritizing and have been goal oriented since I was a child. I take a few minutes each morning to review my tasks + appointments for the day. I do something similar at the beginning of each week and month, but also review my goals at those times. For projects (even small ones) I use a detailed checklist. It never occurred to me that I was using calendars, priority lists, and goal sheets in order to function. I thought I just liked it. It also never occurred to me that many people can remember events without looking in a calendar. If I didn't have these habits, I would miss out on living in the present because I would be so preoccupied by trying to remember/figuring out what to do next. I had no idea that I have executive functioning challenges. Thanks so much for sharing. This was a huge eye opener.
Great overview. Loved it. Thank you. At the risk of ‘selling’ the advantage of being in a relationship for Aspies… this is where a loving NT can really take the pressure off the Aspie. NTs generally stack information really easily, with no untoward energy expenditure and within a relationship can take over the ‘social secretary’ part really easily but for the Aspie, please remember we are like kittens… we need attention and stroking too… so while you can leave the day to day planning to us, we want acknowledgment sometimes.
I pray for this in my life. One man cannot do it all and I will never do well what I need from another person who is NT and can do this. I hope what I have to give them back is helpful and that they understand I am not being helpless or doing things out of disrespect or laziness.
And thank you so much for making these videos, Paul!
Executive functioning issues are even more of a challenge than the social ones for me as a Neurodiverse adult
I had a similar realization recently. I thought "oh well i'm pretty good with executive function." But then I read the examples for children in school and realized that all of those were true for me in childhood. Now I realize that I have learned that I need to put everything into a calendar the second I plan it (with reminders) and I make lists daily to remember tasks. And that doesn't necessarily mean my executive disfunction is good, it just means I figured out how to cope.
Wow, so that could explain, why i recently missed a few important appointments. Had moved to a new flat and was overwhelmed with things to do. My digital calender is a blessing in that regard.
Holy hell. I completely collapsed after I finished my engineering degree. This is quite relatable.
I often pretend that I don’t suffer from this by avoiding all those things
Another great video with helpful actionable tools. Thank you, Paul. There is a significant disparity between how I'm viewed in my personal vs. professional environments. Professionally I'm viewed as highly efficient and organized when approaching a project. Personally I'm viewed as lazy and disorganized which creates tension in those relationships. It's difficult for people to understand why I can be so effective at work, but not outside of. I never considered the general way business is structured to support organization as the reason I'm able to be successful, but I think that makes a ton of sense.
Before watching this there just was a lot of frustration with myself for things 'randomly' not coming in my mind. I also find it very hard to act on the decisions I make, I'm constantly trying to make new decisions trying to fire me up, only getting me more tired and frustrated with myself. I'm in a state of very low energy at the moment and this video helped me understand that these are, in fact, executive function struggles. Next I'll try to create some personal strategies that work for me in managing the demands of daily life in these challenging times. Again, thank you for putting this in such clear and relatable wordings.
Same. Other executive function fails for me are that, before smartphones were around and could be used to set reminders. I would forever forget or double book events/appointments. Even now, when my alarm goes off to take my PM meds, if I am in the middle of doing something I will think to myself, “I’ll just finish this,” and then three hours later I still have not taken my meds.
I relate to this as someone with Aspergers. I’ve been known to have meltdowns when pressured to multi-task and do everything with the added bonus of being on a schedule. If I say I’m cleaning my apartment I get nothing done. But If break it down for example I’ll the kitchen only, then move to the living room etc, I get it done. But I never finish the main goal because I get tired than I get distracted and find it hard to go back to my goal. Very good video! 👍
This is me to a T! All the time in the world yet no time at all; after completing one task my body is like, “We did a thing! Time for bed.” Now I’m starting to see why autistic people typically have trouble keeping a job (I include myself in that).
I hear you: "All the time in the world and yet no time at all..." although after completing one task, my body says to me, "We did a thing! Now let's eat!"...ah hell, I'd be better off going to sleep.....
...isn't it to a tee instead of T?
@@cactiman6593 Both can be used.
@@TankNamedTom ah ok
We really can’t multitask
I've followed you for a few years now and it keeps amazing me how similar your experiences and challenges are to mine. I finally got an official diagnosis, it took two years of expensive process and waiting list. But I am watching your videos again and still feel like your brain sounds *exactly* like mine, which is very comforting. So thank you for sharing.
Ditto- except you verbalized it better…. Currently exhausted from thinking and talking about this w regard to self.
I once took on so much work I completely forgot to run a complete workload. This was period end and the payroll run needed the numbers from this task, it ended so badly. I was called in to see the client, then was made to spend my own time counting money from petty cash to enable payment of the employees, who went on strike because of not being paid. I then had to deliver the money through the picket lines and got egg and flour poured on me as I broke the line. Back then I called it bad luck. Now I’m not so sure. These days learning about executive function, your tail really resonated with me. I took check the list, I’m checking it twice or more… thank you for sharing.
Oh heck, I couldn't make an important decision if my life depended on it! I have actually been stressed out the past 3 months because I don't know what I am going to do with my cat when I go away from home for 4 days! I can't stand being away from my cat! 😥
To be completely honest, I just wouldn't go. Not recommending that to you. But my cats eat seperately and one won't eat for anyone but me. And they don't travel well. Neither do I, actually. So, going anywhere overnight is completely out of the question for me. Again, not recommending that for you. But I do very much understand the stress that you're feeling.
Being him to me! I love cats! And I never go anywhere because I love my cats! Im in New Orleans.
Yeah, I'm not really sure what to do guys. My cat seems to eat from other people feeding her, but I won't go anywhere if I can't find somebody I trust being in my home when I'm away. My little baby girl likes being at home 🐈
@@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy Do you have a friend or family member you could ask to stop by? I used to do that for a friend of mine. I'd come over every day to scoop the box and make sure there was plenty of food and water. And then just hang out and do homework or something for a while so their kitty didn't feel alone. Can someone do something like that for you?
@@anyascelticcreations Yes, thankfully I have a couple of friends who could stop by and check all of her stuff. One thing I know is that I won't go away without knowing that she is taken care of 😇.
I've been in the same boat about thinking I had great executive function. It's just because I've been in environments (university, jobs with very restricted and defined expectations) which do the work for me. I have major difficulty with the "following through" part. I can plan things out for myself, but I really need something 'compelling' me to actually follow through.
Anyone else feel like they can make great plans but are just often bafflingly unable to follow through without basically someone telling you to what to do at every moment (or feeling like there is some external commitment you have to meet), and do you think this falls under executive functioning or something else entirely? An example would be, if I'm going to meet someone at my favorite place for brunch at 10am, I'll be there, but if I decide "I'm going to get brunch tomorrow at 10," and set my alarm, but when I wake up just press snooze and wake up at noon when they aren't serving it anymore. And I ask myself, why did I let that happen, it's not like I was even tired or changed my mind or was unaware of the time??
I can relate! This is how I am with running/creating/doing my own business. I’ve planned the shit out of it, often perfectly and in great detail. But when it comes to actually executing the plan it feels too big and intimidating to even start.
What you said about following through actually does fall under executive functioning. I believe it's called inhibition and I also have a similar challenge. As a grown adult, It can feel quite embarrassing when you seem to have all of this knowledge or plan in you're head or in writing but stumble with executing the applications effectively , hence being infinitely trapped in you're own world of active thoughts of elaborate plans or ideas while being inactive, so then in turn, most people think it's a lack of effort or that you give up to quickly. It's a strange feeling I've tried to explain to others and they are always baffled and think its just a poor excuse to give up and sometimes I don't blame them because half the time, I can't tell whether it's just laziness or something more complicated.
Ysra To all above
@@evanurena8868 I have this problem and it breaks my heart like it literally feels like no one could help you and it’s very hard to explain and sometimes you doubt yourself a lot of this is gotten to the point where I am. I just don’t try anymore and I am really wondering what things in this world what jobs what people were things I can plug into which will allow for me to be me while I try my best to be “better” at all I’m supposed to be… but aware of the odds that not much will change… and that’s as ok as it can get.
@@visionvixxen This is something l wouldn't wish on my worst enemy because executive functioning literally effects you're will power and you handle the currents of life, that's why l have to rely on God's strength and his will because I believe he is the only one that knows the pain I'm going through. You look at everyone around you who seems to respond to setbacks effectively despite how painful it may be but even the simplest things in life just make us shutdown.
At university getting my MS in Computer Science, there was a class assignment that I was really excited about and I thought of a really tidy solution. When it was time to turn it in, I was annoyed that the prof extended the date because nobody else had it done. At the new date, everyone was groaning and I smuggly opened my notebook to the place I kept stuff to hand in and.... I had never actually done it, just thought about it.
I have recurring and special tasks in Google Calendar. Then for the week I try to even out the tasks for each day. Then in Notion, I use a toggle for each day and organize my tasks in order. I also put my morning routine stuff table in Notion that shows when I click a button. Overall, I see toggles of Mon-Sat and when I expand them, I see the tasks for that day and the morning routine in order of when they should be done. Appointments are on Google Calendar marked with a different color to get my attention. If I have an appointment, I use a callout in notion to let me know.
I Absolutely Relate, Checking & Double checking. Story of my Life. Thank you for sharing!
In school, executive functioning for me was so hard. Forgetting to do assignments seemed to be the norm for me starting in the 2nd grade. Finally, in 6th grade my teacher taught me about putting my assignments in a planner and using a highlighter, and it made all the difference. I'm not officially diagnosed with autism, but I'm more and more convinced I have it and looking back, I see it so clearly, having other symptoms as well. I really want to get assessed, but I know it's expensive and wanting to know if it's worth it at this point in my life and what I'd actually do with the information.
I had not known what executive function meant. Now with a better understanding of what it is, I realise I struggle with it quite abit. Especially since I have a lot of memory issues in addition to being g on the autism spectrum. I am very dependent on assistance from other people in making certain I get where I need to be and remembering tasks. Like many others have said having too many things that need to be done that are of equal importance is really overwhelming. My mother suggested writing lists. However that alone does not seem to help. I have never used an online calender before I think I will give it a go. I would very much like to become more capable of being independent.
I wish texting was added to this list...I can go days without answering.
Really I just tackle the one that feels the most immediate. Because I'll go crazy if they pile up.
Hey Paul, thanks so much for your videos. They helped me realize I was on the Spectrum a year ago. This week I was Diagnosed Autistic, ADHD, and Alexithymia. I'm 44 and I have ehler danlos, that tipped me off I was autistic, as it is very common to have autism with EDS. I had a head injury in 2019 to my left lobe and that really made me struggle with executive functioning. I hit burnout quicker and get so confused. Like you I have a calendar I put everything in. I make to do lists, I simply cannot remember even the most inportant thing sometimes, so it needs to be listed. I use my alarm on my watch for things like making an omelot, I set it for 3 min to come back and check, otherwise I will forget and go off and do other thingd. Thanks again for everything :)
The worst part about this is trying to explain the failures to other people. I feel like people get so accustomed to me being on top of things that they don't have any patience for my failures. They take for granted that I can do all of the things I'm managing at any given time, never realizing how much effort I have to put in to maintain the details of my life. In the last year, I've made a point of saying 'no' more often, and being vocal about things I'm struggling with. It's kind of humiliating, but I feel like I have to actively remind other people that I'm human and that I have limitations, too. If I don't, people will carelessly add more and more items to my load until I collapse. That happened to me in 2020. It was the first time in my life I felt completely incapable of taking care of myself, and I never want to go through that again.
As I have grown older, learned more about ASD, and realized my problems, I just find a lot of environments being chaos to me - there is not path laid out. No clear discourse. If I feel like I don't know anything and lacks the control I instantly shut down. Not knowing what to do hurts. I'd rather have something else to focus on to distract me from the discomfort.
It's so important to be self aware of any executive functioning challenges, especially if you are undiagnosed. It can present as thoughtlessness to other people, but it isn't your intention at all. It's such a struggle for me - I put absolutely everything I do onto a calendar and update it weekly.
I’m currently demoralized by this and almost need a diagnosis for myself but mostly others.
At this point I’ve given up and just want a caretaker
Maybe I need new antidepressants, ketamine treatment to erase all the trauma. And a one year living arrangement for hf adult autistic women who have gone to Ivy League schools, graduate programs and then failed out of life and sustaining relationships, who need to live in a monastery because they can’t handle EF, but simultaneously seek the life of Anthony Bourdain because of their passion for novelty/ADD side- as long as they have the organizer/manager on the trip in order to handle all the variables that occur…
This was such a great share! It resonates for me more as an adult. As a kid I was smart and kids hated when I was the only one who got the high grade and ruined the bell curve, so I let everyone copy, and I I learned how to be funny!
As an adult, some colleagues don’t like that I do more thorough work, so I help people a lot with their work. I just do what I’m told and then I find out no one else did…it’s very puzzling to me.
It gets worse with age, under stress, and when you become a parent. Your calendar expands exponentially with your spouse's and children's needs, tasks, activities, creating a breeding ground for mistakes, disappointment, defiance, procrastination, or burnout.
A tidbit I use and used before I even knew about what executive functions were/are: I learned after 25 years of living at home with my mother (19 of them not diagnosed and unaware of my autism) that I need to do something unimportant to me immediately, like take something for dinner out of the freezer so it can defrost enough for my mother to cook when she comes home. Because all the times throughout my teenage years I would say “sure” when she called me and then think I'll do it later and then completely forget because it wasn’t important to me, so after enough years of being scolded for that I learned to just do it immediately with her on the phone still to ask what exactly she wanted me to grab from the freezer. heh.
Writing it down didn't help, because I still forgot to do it in time, because I just didn't look at the note after writing it because what I'd written down wasn't important to me.
Thank you for posting this! I’ve been so scatterbrained and frustrated with myself. It’s powerful to have this information to give myself a break and strategize.
Once I moved out of home, I started using my phone calendar constantly. If I have an appointment or catch up, I put it in my calendar immediately with a 2 week, 2 day and 2 hour reminder so I cannot forget. I also make a habit of checking my phone before I go to sleep every night, just to double and triple check I haven't missed something.
I am a very organised person, but one time I couldn't drink water for three days because people kept telling me to drink water. I get distressed at bed time, and can't sleep even if I'm tired. I will resist doing fun things I want to do, and while I require routine to function I will very quickly rebel against any structure even if it's self-imposed. I recently learned that pathological demand avoidance is a form of executive dysfunction.
I'm completely with you. I'm autistic as well but for a long time I didn't really believe that I had problems like this. I studies mathematics and did pretty well there. When I started to work at university I did some teaching and was completely fine with it. Later as a postdoc I went into mathematics education, since I liked teaching so much. When I started to work in this field, my teaching load increased, because we did a lot of project with high school students, I did some special classes with gifted students, worked with interns at the university and so on. I realised that I did quite a good job, but that this kind of work was completely exhausting for me, because interactions at high school level are much less predictable than a lesson taught at university level. At uni everything is still much more straight forward.
Today I work as a data engineer and I'm much less stressed out :)
I have just bought several medium sized whiteboards and a pack of fine line coloured dry-wipe pens. Yesterday morning I had to leave the house at a specific time, work out what to take for lunch and also what to wear and the night before I was so tired that putting these things into sequence seemed an impossible task. My brain was too tired to think. So I brainstormed on one whiteboard, out of sequence, then created a process flow on a second using what I'd written down - ideas on what to wear, what to take for lunch, when to have a coffee, etc. Then as I move through the morning I can wipe off the things I've done and only see what I have left. And if I have something like that to plan for the future, I can use that process, take a photo, then print it out and cross things off as I go along.
I use google calendar to track my appointments and always keep it open on a weekly view.
The other thing I've started doing is getting up super early to give myself time to come round, sitting in the peace and quiet in the garden and listening to the birds before the commuter traffic starts in full force, then taking a shower and turning the water to cold halfway through. I've turned the cold shower into an exciting game, daring myself like a child running under a water sprinkler, and shaking and dancing under the spray. It's a brilliant way to feel fully alert, shake off any anxiety (the shaking and dancing really works and the water is tolerable in no time at all) and bring back focus again.
Trying to explain my needs and what uses up my energy to others is so challenging - not sure I have stopped trying to overcompensate yet, so hearing your story and everyone else's in the comments helps me to accept my autism so much more. Thanks Paul.
I’m exactly the same. I might be worse though. I’ve missed all kinds of important events from doctors appointments to job bids and what makes it worse is I can’t even remember to put things in my calendar. Everyday I’m thinking to myself what am I supposed to be doing right now.
Dead on right. Me too.
I used to use the Franklin Quest calendar based system. That was GREAT for me. Now I use an online calendar to put everything in a schedule for myself.
I keep lists and lists of lists. The more I can possibly write down, even small details, the better I can plan and execute.
OMG, I also always thought I was good at EF, but recently I realized that I think that because I put a lot! of effort in it. In reality I am really scared I would forget things. My therapist said: but is that really so bad? Yes, it is. When I forget things, stuff, appointments etc.. it often means difficulty and failure, which makes my life harder and I'm already working so hard to keep everything in order. I also told her that I always have been scared that I would even forget my kids. She thought I was joking, but I'm not. If I really would focus on myself, I would not remember on time to pick them up from school, for instance. So I need structure, clearity and carefull planning en tools to remind me on time. I use a paper agenda in wich I note everything. And I need time to get overview. Every morning I check my agenda and make a day-plan. Every sunday I make a weekplan. I have a to-do list from which I take things to put in the week- or dayplan. And most important of all: I need time to rest; time in which I don't have to be scared to forget things. When tired I'm not able to prioritize, everything gets messy and I become really stressed. Luckkely I have friends and a coach now who help me get back on track. And I don't feel ashamed anymore that I can't do this easily and aks for help and not overplan my days.
I think I'm worse. Forgetting an event I really wanted to be at happens often, but also it might happen that I'm happy for a long time that I can go there and when the evening comes I don't want to leave home. In most cases, my thinking about doing this or doing that leads to doing nothing (and feeling under pressure because I have to make a decision and there are so many options and it's urgent to decide...).
My worst fail? Well, I went for a weekend to another city. And there I decided to stay longer. When I remembered to call my friends at home, they were already discussing who would take part in a search team... I just had forgotten the time... It was two weaks! (And I was almost fourty years old.)
But I'm still alive and happy and all in all in a better state than most people at my age, so - earth is such a beautiful place! 👽😁
Thanks for sharing this Paul ❤️
I'm late diagnosed autistic and trying to figure out exactly what my cognitive strengths and weaknesses are.
Kind of like you, I have always had executive function challenges, but got very organised early so that I didn't miss appointments and stuff. But I struggle every day with basic decisions. Ordinary life is exhausting. Just the thought of organising an event with a group of people is traumatic! 😅
Another way of looking at executive function (making decisions and acting on them) is selecting among alternative imagined outcomes.
That saying, "I can't make a decision to save my own life," is no joke. When my stress & anxiety are too high, I can't even form coherent sentences, let alone thoughts!
Life is so unpredictable, but feeling supported during those tough times helps the most, IMO. Unfortunately, from experience, not everyone knows how to help you the way you need... hermit mode engaged. Seriously tho, what can you do?!
You sound like me. My own family and boyfriend despise me and offer no help and no desire to understand . It’s so hard because this closes the door and I feel so alone… wish I could find a way to become normal, try to let them know I am trying so hard…. It’s just overheleming
@Chloe S you are not alone. There are those of us who do understand, it's just you sometimes have to go to a treatment facility or join a community to find us. It's okay to seek help outside of family and friends. Ever heard of the perfect roster? Making a list of those people that you can contact for specific needs and moments when you just don't know what to do or where to go can really be an incredible lifeline.
Creating Google calendar reminders and setting up autopay for bills help me a lot.
That's totally me, trying to decide wich task should come first and ending with nothing done or all tasks partly done. Since i'm not working anymore, i can concentrate on that and it works quite well but i don't know how it works long term..
I am a list maker. I remember starting in my 20s. I’m in my 70s. I begin on Saturday morning with my cup of coffee. I found out early when I had little kids, that to get everything done and get to work, I needed a structure.
Very relatable! Wow... I once missed my son's birthday that way and have felt guilty about it ever since...
I am a professional IT project manager. I have learned how to schedule and plan and make loads of decisions about tasks that need to be done. It all goes south for me when it comes time to influence the team to do everything. I think there are a lot of ASD people in IT and time management is not anyones strong suit! HAHAHA! Then I go home and without my schedule and work structure, I forget so many things. I am just so tired from work that my brain is flatline.
I have to giggle- such an ASD response at 0:19 “Yeahhh, well I was wrong- *ASD override kicks in* “Well, _almost_ wrong”. I come from a family of Autistics, but they’re all male-
Dad & brother included.
I was missed because, in my opinion, I’m a very socially fluid presenting woman. But I’ve spent my entire life feeling like an alien. I don’t present how my Dad, brother, uncles, male cousins do. But I don’t present in any way how my
non Autistic Mom, other sibling & relatives do. I’m in no man’s land, literally and figuratively.
I’ve always felt like the black sheep, the freak, the outsider.
My family has always joked about me “being a bit Aspie” (We make lots of in-ASD jokes in our family, it’s all in good fun) and “Are you _sure_ you’re not Autistic Scooby?”.
I’ve had therapists suggest it. But it’s only this year I’ve really begun to take the idea seriously, at 30 years old.
After watching content from women ASD, and now your channel where you break down so many of the finer nuances beyond “routine. Trains. LOUD NOISES” and I sit here “yeah but..that’s normal for everyone? Isn’t it??”.
I project as a very confident, bubbly woman- but I have _studied_ everyone else to learn how to be like this, the David Attenborough of people.
I go home absolutely knackered. I don’t relate to routines because I don’t _have_ a routine, I constantly find myself in such a state of disorganised chaos despite all my best efforts, attempts, different ways of living, doing, being. Although, if something does come up suddenly, or without a few days for me to get my head around it (e.g going out to lunch), I feel quite upset but don’t know why.
I can’t drive and have a conversation- you have to be silent in my car. I bump into walls all day everyday. I’m like a cat with no whiskers.
I have a horrendously embarrassing inability to _understand_ what the time is. I can read the time. I can _see_ that it says 11:10 am, analog or digital (analog is still a big challenge though and takes conscious effort).
But I can’t then take that information and transfer it to “I need to be at a meeting at 12pm. It takes me ten minutes to drive there. But it will take me five minutes to park. 10 minutes to actually find my keys, wallet, both shoes, dog, dog lead, where’s my shoe, where’s the dog, I forgot my car keys…and now I’ve locked myself out of the house and have to climb in the window.
I am never, ever able to make it anywhere on time. It’s actually humiliating. I’m tired of apologising. Of rushing. Even when I’m doing _so_ well, I’m super organised, everything is in a basket by the front door,!my outfit is laid out the night prior, I shower the night before bed, so I can just do some makeup and go-
Somehow I still end up looking down at my phone, or talking to a neighbour, or deciding to polish the stainless steel kettle, and All my belongings in my basket are now on the washing machine, the bathroom vanity, by the kettle, my bed, my desk, the couch, and the floor- and suddenly it’s time to go.
My brothers Autism was picked up early and because of that, he’s flourishing…I’m sad that I didn’t have that same opportunity to gain the same support and skills as a child and teenager.
I’m really trying now at 30, but an adult diagnosis is tricky at the best of times, especially if you’re a woman who presents as very socially fluid.
Paul, your videos help me feel like for the first time in my life, I actually understand myself.
Thank you sincerely
07:03 is why I love using a calendar app on my phone for things that matter.
Yes, this is great. Very similar, I started with a little calendar book, and as my life got busier I rely on three things; my phone with a note app that is on my home page that I use daily to list tasks and prioritize, Google Calendar, and outlook calendar. So for my personal life, I have 3 places that have steps for me to do, daily. I can look ahead and be prepared so it's on my mind. At work during more stressful times in addition to calendars and a wall of sticky notes, I used to keep a pen on me and write things on the back of my hand, so it was right in front of my face. People thought it was very strange, but as I was running around without my phone and without my aids, it worked for me. In less high tempo jobs I use the aforementioned except I use whiteboards. I also keep all important or possibly important emails as a sort of archive that I can search for specific things. I learned all of this the "hard way", but I do know my limits so I know what is necessary. The one thing that really bothers me though, is I just feel like my brain doesn't "work" like I never have enough room to keep everything and I really have to be careful what I let in, so I keep most of it externally with the help of these aids. But, if not in an extremely structured environment, I have a hard time taking care of myself because it feels like I have to give that all of my attention. It seems counterproductive that if I just get enough sleep, eat the same thing every day, and exercise at the same time every day that it would make everything else easier, but I'm just not there yet. Just riding that strugglebus...I have multiple degrees that I don't even use because I feel like school is the only thing I'm good at and the only thing I enjoy.
thank you for sharing!
for a year of school i could never bring my gym equipment. Every week i would arrive at school and realise "oh god ive not brought it"
People thought I was lazy and doing it intentionally 😞 it just never crossed my mind, i never had the thought to pack my equipment
Calendars on the wall, calendars on my phone and desktop with pop-up alerts for a week in advance (or 3 days, depending). Daily pop-up alert for piano practice, weekly pop-up twice on Thursday to take the trash out, pop-ups for payment dates. Other appointment pop-ups ad hoc. Also, NEVER kidding myself that I will remember on my own. Whether or not it's for fun.
Yeah, me too. I'll think you're describing a trait I don't have, and then I realize I've been hiding it or coping all my life.
I'm trying to write a book, and after a hour or two I'm basically disabled because I've used up most of my decision-making. And I can't decide which necessary chore to do.
I use a calendar, so I don’t forget events. I hate being the cause of anyone else’s stress, so I’m always on time. My executive function issues manifest differently. In situations where I depend on any person or organization to provide me with something I need, I will delay, defer, avoid for as long as i can. Car license renewals, making doctors appointments, prescription renewals, tax time is a nightmare, car repairs - making a decision to put myself in basically any situation where I need something and the other person can say “no,” or require me to jump through hoops in order to fulfill a basic need - making the decision to initiate that sequence of events is particularly difficult for me. In essence, I’d have to be nearly dead from thirst before I’d make the decision to ask a stranger (governmental service, business, etc.) for a cup of water. (I should probably get over that, somehow. 🤣)
I have two living places, and so I travel often between the two. That means lots of stuff to organize and pack several times a month. Lists don't help because they're boring and I'll often miss something if it's on a list. So I will start pulling things together a couple of days ahead. When I think of something I must, must, must take with me, I go and get it right away and put it on a surface close by the door. I'll continue doing that until I have a pile of the most important stuff ready to go when the time comes.
I often forget dates or get stressed out when having to do something not in my normal week, like attending appointments or interviews. And I have o set reminders for everything.
I definitely need an appointment book, some kind of schedule for functioning. And prioratising is not the only issue, it's also not to have too many dates, to cope with everyday life.
For me, in order to remember events and tasks, I need to visualize them on a calendar with all the days of the week laid out in big columns, because that's how I learned days of the week when I was small. Digital calendars fail for me, their layout doesn't register to my memory. When I don't put things I need to do on my paper calendar, I would know there are some things I need to do, but I would have to check everyday to remember because my memory would not work longer than that with this type of calendar. I also have a monthly calendar, with all the days laid out on a single sheet of paper for the whole month, and plenty of space to write down appointments etc.
When I was a teen I was really excited to go to spelling bee and competing, I thought about it for the whole month and week before, and suddenly forgot on the day in question. It's often like that for important events, or birthdays :/
For me the biggest executive function challenge I have is when I know I need to do a thing, but there's something blocking me and I get stuck, too anxious out to act, too anxious about not doing it and the consequences. It usually solve itself after a few days or weeks, but it's a real pain in the ass !! For example it happens on Sunday night/Monday morning if I was on vacation or something else : I get so stressed out thinking about beginning the week anew (whatever the job/school/people), that I often miss the first day. This is an instance when failing calms me down and I'm much more prepared to deal with consequences of not going, than going and be terrorized. But this is a bad method, I know it.
Thank you so much for this video! I'm at the 7 min mark. Just need to say that these clear and analytical discussions are so helpful! Now I realise that I'm not stupid or incompetent. Prioritising is hard for me, especially when all the items appear to have equal priority or urgency. I'm glad I'm not alone. Now I'm looking back pre-diagnosis and seeing things with a different perspective/insight. Thank you so much!
This is so helpful, I normally never meet people who think this way and it's completely normal to us but not neurotypicals.
I have learned to accept my executive limitations while subsequently reinforcing my executive and non-executive strengths, thus minimizing the negative implications of my deficiencies. It's not perfect by any stretch, but it's progress.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining myself to me ❤
I have to plan everything right down to the last detail. One of the things that really throws me into a tailspin is when my well-meaning though annoying sister-in-law becomes involved. For example, I had to take my father to hospital, recently, and my sister-in-law, to my annoyance, took a day off work. My plan had been that I'd take my father to the hospital, come home, and then wait until it was time to get him. My sister-in-law came over with my brother and the kids, and, before long, I could feel a meltdown coming on.
I hadn’t heard about executive function in that way until Paul described it. I didn’t even know what it was. I think I can give myself a 6.5 out if 10. There are things I’m very good at.
But awful with things like calling people back, (if it’s a person that takes a lot of energy to deal with). Doctors appointments I’m real bad at, because if it’s something semi major I need to plan for getting home, not wanting to burden someone, wanting to do it myself, etc. (more on this later I hope)
But I’m great at paying bills.
that video describes me very well 😀concerning managing time (or failing in doing so...)
Problem occurs e.g. when my company forces me for legal purposes, to keep several separated online calendars (for different customers), and additionally separate it from my private calendar.... so I keep another handwritten one. Failures occur mainly when I failed to copy entries manually... so this takes a lot of energy.
Additionally this check-and-check-again routine sometimes causes irritations. I remind other people on an agreed date and time. Just to make sure.... But they are irritated: "Of course. Yes this has been agreed. So, why do you ask again?"
Additional strategy for important decisions: I sometimes use an excel file. I write down important criteria for the decision. Then I estimate for each criterion how important it is for the decision, and so give a weight factor to it. Then I list the options. Then I just give an estimation out of my gut feeling, what would be the impact of that option for that criterion, on a scale of 0 to 10. When I have done all this, then excel would multipy the impact by the weight and sum it up for that option. Doing so for all options and sorting, it will give me a sorted list of the options of the decision. So, of course then I can start to discuss my initial assumptions 😀but it at least gives me a way to rationally get to a decision. So, this method of deciding takes lots of energy and time.
But without that excel, it might take me many days, just visiting all options again and again from many different angles, and I always find another reason why _NOT_ to take that option 😀so the whole decision gets postponed again until I drop into near madness...
Next (and maybe even similarly problematic topic) is then, to put into reality what I (or my excel file?) just have decided on 😀
I'm so glad you mentioned missing something important to you. I just set my phone alarm with a label so I don't forget to go to the funeral home tomorrow for my Mom.
Oh, so yes. I missed a hair appointment and couldn't understand why because I had seen that it was that day...totally lost track of time and never thought of it again until the next day. Sometimes I can't do other things because I am so afraid I will miss an important appointment...and I have alarms set, but I still am afraid of screwing it up. It's an energy sucker for sure.
I didn't really "get" this before, but now I see how it has hugely affected my life. I have prided myself on not missing appointments, being on time...and gosh, for neurotypicals it's just NORMAL...for me it's a real task and I fret over it. oh. I see now how I am and that one kinda hurt. But now that I know...I will get on with it.
No wonder I hate live zoom calls...the pressure to BE ON TIME is HUGE. It's like a whole other JOB. Let me just watch the replay please.
You actually get stuff done! I don't get much stuff done and i forget something important everyday.
Hi Paul ! Thank you so much for this very helpfull video. I did not know a lot about executive functions. Your knowledge leads me to a better understanding of myself . I realize that i should not treat me so hard and rather became aware of my everyday autistic challenges. (I learned my autistic condition last year at 39). Your work is so great and i love to see every single video you make because they are always very interesting, clear and usefull . Your are a nice and talented person. Thank you so much for what you do and what you are. (Sorry for my awkward english but i am a french aspiegirl). Have a good day.
I thought my executive function was great until I graduated University. Since then I've moved roughly once a year and can barely get a routine going again before I move again. Recently, I decided to get a life coach. I was just feeling prepared enough to venture out into the professional world again, and we moved to another country. The change in culture and language feels like a reset. I've been a bit depressed about it since I felt like this version of myself with low executive function that surfaced after I graduated, was the real me because I'd worked just enough too much that I burnt out right after graduation. I thought I must have especially low executive function if it was taking me years to recover from burnout, but now I see that it could be lack of structure, or lack of continuity in the structure I do manage to create. I think my current experience may be sort of the negative of Paul's experience in the video: Lack of structure accentuating my lack of executive function instead of the presence of structure hiding lack of executive function.
Oh the differences between ADHD and ASD are strong here. I really wish someone would make an ADHD ExecD vs ASD ExecD video because they seem often quite different to me. My ADHD symptoms basically don't want to do the predictable repetitive tasks because they are *so* boring and don't give me enough dopamine. Lo-and-behold... I'm an English Lit major. But I also recognize that along with my dyslexia, my degree was extremely challenging for me to achieve. There is, however ways that my possible ASD symptoms (I'm pretty sure I have both, but rn I don't think I wanna bother with another diagnosis) really came in handy because in order to analyze literature, you have to be able to pull systems and patterns of thoughts and beliefs and meaning out of it. There's what people think they're saying on the surface, and I've learned to be able to pull out hints if prejudice and rhetoric that are so helpful with understanding underlying motives, lack of understanding, basically determining the effectiveness and sincerity of an argument. It's a challenge even though it's definitely gotten easier with years of practice, and it's deeply satisfying. It really became the perfect field for me over time.
Same here! If I am not obsessive about dates and events I forget things completely.