You hit on another of my autistic insanities: perfectionism. But - a few years ago, I redefined "perfection"... in some situations, mediocre is "perfection". When I'm planting seedlings, lining them up perfectly and 100% vertically makes no difference to the plants - actually, handling the plants even more to line them up can harm them. Yet, I'm struggling with other things: I can't start some tasks because I know I can't meet my own standards, Even when mediocre is much better than doing nothing. Ahh... the joys and the agonies of autism! But... I love being autistic! God bless you, Paul. And God bless the rest of you guys who follow him.
@@knut5328 Me too. How can I work on a project that I know will never be perfect!? It's stifling. Does anyone have any strategies they can share to push through to get these important and necessary projects done? What can we do next?
@@jenniferwerezak4165 let it go. Much easier said than done!! My husband and I are totally opposite on this - the outcome is, MANY things I decide to do don't get finished (or even started), meanwhile my husband has planned, started and put the finishing touches on a similar task. I envy that sooooo much! I also have ADHD, so distractions mean that a task that is likely to take 45 mins for him, will take me 45 mins today, and probably need another 2 sessions of 45 mins another time (at least!). It drives me mad!! But, mad enough to leave things unfished or less than they could be? 😒 Challenging!
I commented on the last video that I saw that Paul might be me in man form, now I'm convinced that it's true 😂 A bad trait with my extreme growth mindset is that when it's focused on my own growth I push too far for too long and can end up either injured or burnt out, or both. It also gives the impression to my support team that I'm functioning a lot better than I might actually be, which can be a disadvantage. But it also helps me to achieve some pretty great things 👍 I do have to be aware of seeming arrogant or callous, though. When I get hyper-focused on something I can be blunt with or ignore the people around me. I'm really glad I found this channel.
Me too! I need to make therapists aware that they will need to remind me to REST 😂 I heard a saying about 'if you want to work hard, rest twice as hard' and I try to use that so I'm able to keep moving forward, know I'm moving forward but not feel guilt for resting (which so many of us do!)
I've just had the revelation i was autistic yesterday. i havent been happier in so long. everything i read everything i watch about autism im like. this is me.
A painting is never finished. Somehow, somewhere in the process, the artist needs to decide that what they’ve done is enough. I find the philosophy of the painter is a good foil to perfectionism.
It's interesting, because even though the intention of growth is positive for sure, there is an element of "not good enough" within it Two options were mentioned: 1. things are fixed and I can't change, and 2. things can be improved and I can change And basically the third kinda option not mentioned is: I am good enough, and it's okay to be where I am without the need to focus on "improvement". So like, acceptance :) (not to be confused with apathy! or with lack of any change!)
"Maybe we can take a break......!" I laughed and laughed at myself. What a concept!!! Letting in other peoples perspectives as yet another means to growth. Thanks, Paul! Well explained, very clear.
I usually have an extreme growth mindset. But I'm currently in an extreme burnout phase. That's dangerous because I need to continue to improve in order to keep housed, fed, etc. But I feel frozen by burnout. And guilty about that because of my natural growth mindset. Like I know there is so much more to be done and improved upon. But I just don't have it in me to do it. Bilbo Baggins describes it like this. "... thin. Like butter scraped over too much bread." Only I know that all the bread still needs to be covered in butter.
Exact state I'm currently in. Nearly infinite to-do list (gets longer every day), totally burnt out & struggling just do basic housework etc. And then .. the guilt. I wonder if 'growth mindset' is always associated with a greater risk of self criticism, guilt and increased, powerful, negative self-talk. Seems to be for me.
@@tickledcynic9 I suspect it's common for people with an extreme growth mindset to feel the way we do. I don't do negative self talk anymore. I used to, but I stopped years ago. It doesn't erase the guilt, though. It just doesn't make it worse. I feel like this world is just too much sometimes. Like no amount of butter would cover the metiphorical bread. I just long to move to a place where there is no need to butter the bread. Just be at peace.
I never stop trying to improve, yet people around me often see that as being competitive with them and can treat me in a way that makes me want to exit a situation. I often state to people that I hate competition, but now I can see how that statement can be completely misunderstood, I’m really trying to just say how much I’m not interested in competing with anyone. I love being around clever people as I figure I can learn something from them. I don’t receive complements well because I am not sure how to , if I’m told something I’ve done is really good, I’m usually still analysing it and finding fault. So I probably look ungrateful for the compliment or something.
Dear Ms James. Perhaps the discomfort of others with your striving for excellence is their problem, not yours. I have experienced similar reactions, and found it immensely freeing to realize and accept the fact that the pursuit of excellence is a noble endeavor (unless it becomes a compulsion), and that if others see it as competitive and are threatened by it, that is their problem to deal with, not mine (there will always, sadly, be those who are jealous of, or threatened by, excellence). And I know what you mean about the difficulty of accepting a compliment. That is where the Other Person does matter: that is how they see it and they want to let you know. That is an act of generosity and/or friendship on their part, I finally realized; and it is a reciprocal act of generosity/friendship on my part to simply say "Thank you", even if my performance is not altogether what I would like it to be. At 80+ I still struggle with that one, but in friendship, I offer you these reflections from my own experience; and, as Paul noted (#2), be kind to yourself.
Perfect is the enemy of the good. This goes with life (being happy with what you have) politics (how much good are you willing to sacrifice for a utopia that cannot be accomplished) and just about every facet of life.
I'm very growth oriented too and add that with the fact I didn't know I was autistic for most of my life and was trying so, so hard to be a successful neurotypical and it meant pushing myself into and through unhealthy and painful things. It's quite a journey now that I know I'm autistic to heal my relationship with that aspect of myself as I caused myself quite a lot of suffering with it. I love learning and applying knowledge so that remains a neutral/positive thing. The rest I work to always focus it into self-nurturing, self-acceptance and bringing me closer to my self, rather than denying or rejecting parts of myself and going very slow, gentle, and careful and monitoring my reactions to things. Also, instead of deciding I'm 100% going to do something and achieve a certain goal, I just think of things as an experiment, just dip my toes in and see how it feels and then reassess. Mostly it's just trying to be grounded, come home to myself and recover and heal after a lot of hard years. 💛
I definitely relate to this and I like the idea of looking at things like an experiment. It lifts the weight off of you because you realize you don't have to do something perfectly and that it's ok if you fail or don't reach a certain goal (or certain level of quality). I'm also really trying to love and accept myself (even though it's hard) and to stop looking at my inadequacies as weaknesses, because they're what make us unique and we shouldn't be ashamed of them (I know that was prolly long and deep. Teenage years lol 😂)
@@supermariokenneth584 Yes exactly, it lifts the weight and pressure off. I have lived with massive perfectionist tendencies so on the other side of that a light, gentle, experimental, curious and learning approach works well. Long and deep thoughts are perfectly OK - they're the autistic way. 💛
Totally relatable! Another thing I tell myself is 'not forever', so my brain doesn't immediately rush to the 'WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS FOREVER' thoughts 😂 It's so easy for us to push ourselves ridiculously hard and not even realise or take a minute to breathe. Even though we by in large need more time, more rest, more sleep and less perfection
My strengths is that I am incredibly creative and is also very philosophical, but they are also major weaknesses since those two different strengths can make it a whole lot more difficult for me to do things that are hard and boring like having a job or being able to start and run a business or to do chores around the house.
I'm feeling that, too. Plus, I need to have results. Concrete results, if my goal is concrete returns. With no or not enough results, and little enjoyment of the process, I find it extremely difficult to force myself to continue.
Ive been stewing around & around frustrated that I get thwarted each turn by other's stupidity, selfishness, or neediness. I cannot intentionally hurt another person, but when does it end? I know my idea of perfection does not exist in this world, yet, come on, people. Some of us have some really beautiful ideas & plans that would be good. Just good. What's wrong with a bit of goodness in life? Why does everyone love drama, & love creating crisis?!? People addicted to crisis & complaining is getting old.
@@debbieodle7282 yeah its like a more complex version of the person who can't sit in silence with someone for more than 2 seconds. Maybe they're the same person? Hmm 🤔
May I ask for an example of how you've had your ideas thwarted in this way? I've been struggling with this heavily the past few days as well so when I saw your comment I became curious. No worries if you'd rather not. ✌️
I'm more on the Fixed Mindset side, and despite it getting a lot of flak, there is a very big advantage to it for someone dealing with toxic people. It helps resisting gaslighting. My bullheaded conviction is probably the only thing that kept me from completely losing myself while I was raised by narcs and set up for falling into other narc/toxic relationships. I'm not unscathed, far from it, but I have enough pieces left to build myself from scratch.
Impatience and frustration with the fixed-mindset people is quite an issue for me. So much so that, if possible, I better not have close or long-term dealings with them. Better for them too... hehe🤪
Thanks Paul, I keep going down rabbit holes, my father and friend has commented anything I do, I strive to be an expert in, I compete with myself not others. It’s weakness is if I don’t think I can do it well enough to meet my expectations I’ll tend to procrastinate or won’t take it on in the first place. I don’t think people know how to take constructive criticism anymore, they’re so sensitised by the “every child gets a medal” culture IMO.
As an 80+ year old clergyman, who still does some counseling, I have been a regular follower of, and I hope learner from, your excellent and thought provoking videos. Of course, I recognised your Biblical paraphrase immediately, which in the original (KJV tr.) is: "Sufficient unto the day is the evil (or, trouble) thereof". Also, I often have occasion to say to my counselees points 2 and 3 that you so aptly shared: first, be kind to yourself. Compulsives and strivers after perfection at every level tend to be hardest on themselves. Then, be kind to, and, if possible, be understanding of, and patient with others. And, old as I am, I still have often to remind myself of these two points. I'm so glad I discovered your channel; your wise words are a goldmine of good sense not just for those on the spectrum, but for everyone as we pursue the lifelong journey in company with our fellow beings. Thanks!
I had a lot of difficulty communicating in a previous work setting where we were told having a growth mindset was expected from team members and this meant we should admit mistakes as soon as possible so we could get help to do better because we all can improve. Now, my mindset isn't what I see as 'fixed', but I do have a sense of what I can or can't do now or *yet*, but it caused difficulty because approaching other for help triggers social phobias I have and my saying I though my work was not bad, or improved or probably good enough was just not well recieved well and I was frequently assigned to do something over again.
I relate to that a lot, and I've been thinking about this issue as well for the past few days. My growth mindset sometimes keeps me from allowing myself to enjoy certain things and accept them into my life because I feel that I'm not "ready yet", that I haven't prepared enough and it's not all perfect yet so I can't have it. It also definitely makes me critical towards people, and judgemental of them when they don't do things "up to my standards", even though of course, they aren't required to. And yes, I think it does distance people from me and gives the impression of arrogance. So I am working on allowing myself and things around me to just be as they are, to stop the researching and reading and trying so hard to improve. I'm trying to be kinder to other people, as well as to myself, and accept myself as I am right now.
This is how I've been feeling lately, totally. So it's good I saw this today. :) I've been really upset wanting to keep improving my life and doing more and more and more, and I've gotten disappointed if I couldn't accomplish more, and it's seriously burnt me out. I forgot how to just chill out. I'm the same way as you describe - I see myself as being capable and ready to take on anything I dream of. So it can feel like a struggle when - for whatever reason - I'm unable to take action or "fix" things quick enough. And I really wish there wasn't such a pressure in society to "work harder" and "accomplish more" because it does just imply that how you are isn't enough.
I agree, we take pride in exhaustion in this society, unfortunately. Read from a book that we wear the exhaustion as a medal to show how hard we have worked...
@@RubberTag You are soo soo right. I used to work at a gym. It was so evident there. If a person wasn't exhausted there then they weren't doing a good. They were thought of as weak or lazy. People also took pride in injury there. Especially injury from overworking yourself. And they were expected to just put a brace on the injury and keep working out. Showing pain there was not an option. It was expected that people just push through the pain without showing it. I subscribed to that idea while I was there. It has been over 2 years since I quit. And I still have lingering injuries from when I was there.
I was describing this dynamic to my husband, just last week! We were talking about leadership roles and how, as the designated 'smart one', everyone wanted me to lead their group, and I avoided it like the plague, because if I'm a participant, I can give good content and sort of guide the direction of things toward something that might approach my personal standards for quality. As the leader, I can't contribute more than others without people feeling judged or like I'm being bossy and taking over. As the power behind the throne, the same input is just received as helpful insight and excellent contribution.
Years ago I was told by a manager who stood over me and told me in front of work colleagues that I wasn't doing enough. He blindsided me and all I could say was " I'm doing my best" He replied No, not good enough" Thereafter I couldn't stop. I felt guilty for taking a tea-break and couldn't relax. If I opened a drawer, I had to tidy it. I would need to be constantly busy. If something went wrong I thought I was to blame. I was terrified of being still in his presence. Eventually I burned out and he was promoted.
So sorry to hear this was your experience! I had a similar person in my life. Avoidance became my go-to coping mechanism, but still they ground down my soul so much, I had to leave.
Every strength has weak aspects - that doesnt mean that every strength IS a weakness (maybe a semantic difference, but its an important one, I think). A growth mindset is a good thing, its something we share - we just need a little balance sometimes and, as you say, congratulate ourselves and those around us for successes. :o)
I have trouble with moderation. It's either dialed up to 11, or I just don't care. However, not caring doesn't dial down my perfectionism, I just get bored and depressed. So I need new challenges every once in a while, but I also need the time to see something all the way through. Life is rarely so accommodating, but it's good to know yourself in all situations. 'Cause that's life! Cheers y'all!
While watching this video I was braiding my hair and the braid only turned out okay although it took a lot of effort. I was about to undo it all and try it again to make it look better but this video made me accept that it’s okay to have just an okay braid and I can let my sore a** arms rest😂 Your videos always give me such great insight into my mind and the way I’ve thought my whole life without even realising that that’s not how everyone thinks so thank you! I’m 20 and only just realising that I think I’m on the spectrum and your videos have been a tremendous help! - A fellow Aussie!
Interesting. Not what I had expected from the title, but valuable. You're working with more people, on more teams than I am. But when I AM working on a team, I recognize the law of diminshing returns, and instead of saying "we should..." or "we can..." with suggestions, I usually phrase it as "Do we want to...?" which gives the team the chance to say no, or maybe later... I still have a problem of almost never celebrating accomplishments, but have picked up some jobs proofreading, which seems to soak up the pursuit of perfection quite nicely.
I think you might benefit from the book called effortless. I used to chase improvements and it exhausted me. The book says ‘never do more today than you can effortlessly recover from by tomorrow’. Maybe that could be a good boundary for growth? I’m not a fan of the word enough so I think my word would be effortless 😊
Unfortunately, that is meaning that I am doing less and less as I physically deline. The amount that I can effortlessly recover from is so much less than it used to be. Thanks, Long COVID, etc.
@@anyascelticcreations I can relate as I have Fibromyalgia, neurological issues and fatigue. But since I’ve learnt what I can and can’t recover from effortlessly my pain and fatigue is less and weirdly I have done more. Still have bad days so I rest and try not to fear not getting better/getting everything done, as that just pushes me into a state of heightened anxiety which just makes everything harder to recover from. It is ok to do nothing if that is what your body is telling you it needs. I just recovered from covid, I’d been in bed for a week and I’m still not recovered but I noticed my pain significantly decreased after prolonged rest so rest is definitely the key for me.
@@ArtyAntics Wow. It sounds like you really understand. Thank you very much for the encouraging words. I've had something that feels about like Long COVID since my mid 20s. And lots of structural issues/pain. Some of what I have is diagnosed, (like scoliosis and hypermobility etc), and some of it isn't. (Whatever was causing me to feel like Long COVID years before I got that, too) So, I'm not on disability and have just pushed myself as hard as I could to try to be like "normal" people and to survive. It ran me into the ground. And I was never able to do it well anyway. I finally rested when the pandemic hit. Because the quarantine, and getting COVID, were the perfect excuse. Plus, I legitimately felt worse. But I'm perpetually inches away from not making it financially. (Autism plays a big part in that, too.) So, I've never really accepted that it's okay to rest. I do rest a lot more now, but I feel a lot of anxiety and guilt about it. Which, as you said, makes it worse. And I push myself too hard sometimes still and then am wiped out for another week. I'm guessing you've been through that, too. I really do appreciate the encouragement and the wise words. I wish I had someone telling me those things regularly. Lol. And disability income. I hope you finish recovering from COVID fully and have no lasting effects. And I hope you enjoy as much rest as you need. Thank you again. Hugs.
@@anyascelticcreations the most productive people in life are those who know how to rest. The hardest realisation for me was realising that my obsession with getting things done was making me ill. Have a listen to this book, I think it might help: th-cam.com/video/fqT8KHCJ_PE/w-d-xo.html
It's so helpful hearing you describe something I've struggled with so much in relationships. I used to finish jobs by immediately going over what I think we did wrong and it left everyone feeling deflated. I made a conscious decision to celebrate the things we did well before I talked about things I wanted to work on. It also helped me appreciate some of the things I was missing out on because I was always trying to do better. It also reminded me to tell people things I appreciated about them and the things they were doing. I realised I was assuming they knew and that was just wrong. It still gets in the way of relationships because I have to fight the urge to "improve" how well we know each other, how to do more things better, how to analyse things we need to work on. Hearing you compare the two mindsets is very helpful for understanding things a bit better, thank you.
Thanks Paul. I didn't realise I too had the extreme growth mindset. And it has definitely caused unnecessary issues in my relationships many times. I don't think I fully realised how extreme this mindset of mine was until your video. I could never understand how people could be so passive or complacent, how people could be observers of life instead of participants. And I saw this as a big baffling issue, but I'm unlearning my binary thinking one day at a time. Sometimes it's good to observe the fruits of your labour, and sometimes what I think is right, isn't necessarily true for someone else, even if I know it might benefit them in the long run. We are all allowed our choices and mistakes, that doesn't make anyone else wrong or right, it's just life, it's just variety, it's free will.
You are speaking my thoughts out loud!!! Thank you so much for sharing and coaching! Just knowing someone else knows how I think makes me feel so much less alone. And that is enough to make you one of my favorite TH-cam channels!
I’m so glad I found this channel, I’ve never felt like I can absolutely relate to so many things that I have been dragged for my entire life. This is literally life changing thank you so much Paul. 💖
This video is gold. Thank you. I understand to a ridiculous level with this and can be very top choice for everything. I find many things you have discussed or figured out i have to. Similar brains. Love your stuff.
Looking for the good in all situations, this is no different. This extreme growth mindset is a wonderful trait/tool. It has helped me overcome many extremely difficult situations. Love these videos, thank you!
For me, I'm a perfectionist and it's something I want to change because for me it doesn't come from a healthy place. It goes along with a subconscious feeling of "I NEED/SHOULD achieve this or I'm not good enough." My perfectionism is associated with a lot of self-criticism to try to push myself to reach whatever standard I've set for myself. What I'm wanting to grow in, at this point in my life, is self-compassion. The lesson I'm trying to learn is that compassionate acceptance is not the opposite of growth. That it will be easier for me to grow in a sustainable and consistent way if I am much more gentle, encouraging, and celebratory with myself. Those are my experiences with this. I'm not autistic, so I don't know if your growth-mindset is different and less self-flagulating than my perfectionism. A fantastic thing to explore, though, and I wish everyone well on their life journey.
Awww! So thoughtful and kind❤Good to remember we are all always enough by just being us and being content with that. Love the challenge of improving myself though!😄
Great topic and discussion Paul! I'm learning so much from your experience and perspective. And it's amazing how just reading the title of your video hooks me in because it is exactly what I've been facing all these years without knowing the terms to it. So I faced the exact same situation today with a teammate trying to get him to see where we can improve and flourish and work out the kinks in our workflow, and he just took it negatively. Never thought that it would be perceived as criticism!
I’ve always been my own competition. I don’t compare myself. I did recently realize my growth mindset is on the extreme side, which can be draining to those closest to me. Something I really need to work on 😬
Your videos are truly incredible. I think this one has me shook 😳 😂 oh lordie... I might have to challenge myself to grow some more and learn about how to ease off my obsession with improvements! Such an insight! I am pushy! thank you for sharing this, it's so unique. I never heard anyone talk in this exact way, about this mindset. I thought I was the only one! 🤣💕💓
even just walking into a room, any room, my mindset is always, "find something to fix. or, straighten. or, clean. or, at least, imagine something in here differently than how it is right now!" 😐
Heh. I have an extreme fixed minset and I forget to celebrate victories too. High trait neuroticism makes everything look hopeless, and high trait conscientiousness makes me a self critical perfectionist. But a perfectionist from a place of anxiety rather than just noticing room for improvement. I overdo my weaknesses and have trouble noticing my strengths. It's like I'm the opposite of you. I hate my anxious temperament
Hey Paul. I'm subscribed to your channel, but this video never showed up for me, so I'm late to reply. I can relate to this SO much!!! In irony, my mother is also on the spectrum, and she pushed all 4 of her children very hard. Me being the only girl, she pushed really too hard sometimes. I can see that I am repeating this behavior in my own children because I see SO MUCH potential and have to be careful not to push to exasperation. I also push my employee in this way. Thank you for these reminders to use discernment!
I have a growth mindset. It has caused many people to not want to work with me. For example, the algorithm to process image data from Mars ran in order n-cubed. They used "tricks" to make it run maybe 20% faster but it caused issues that had to be airbrushed out. I was talking to a person who figured out how to eliminate the issues and his algorithm ran in order n-square, log n. To everyone else, the speed increase was amazing. I agree, it was amazing. Add to that, it didn't have the imaging issues of the old algorithm was next level good. The first thing out of my mouth was, "does your algorithm account for the albedo effect of reflected light from surrounding objects?" I didn't acknowledge the great achievement this person had done; I thought "how can we make this better?" Oddly enough, the person told me his algorithm didn't solve for the albedo effect and we immediately started brainstorming on how it could be improved. 😂 But everyone else in the room looked at me in shock and horror thinking I was some sort of monster. I try to stop and celebrate successes but I also warn people, if I'm hard on you and always demanding more, it is because I see how great you are and want to tap into that potential.
OMG! Yes! We can do better, how do we do it, we could try this etc ... but never taken that way. Always taken negatively. I can't work out how to do this differently 😪 and I'm only just realising they don't want to do better/are happy with it as is, so I need to try and accept that and not let it cause difficulties for me. I need a mindset change.
i can't stand certain things things not being perfect. i got a new motorcycle last year, and iv'e kept it in really good condition, but not long ago my dad offered to wash it, when he was done washing he pulled out a dirty fiber cloth and started to wipe down my bike bike with it, now it has swirl marks EVERYWHERE, i feel like i'm dying inside just looking at it.
Thank you so much, Paul. Hard to put into words how eye-opening this video is for me right now. Let's just say: One of my fav part of song lyrics is by Radiohead in their song "Optimistic". When I first heard it years ago, I - just like that - burst into tears. "You can try the best you can The best you can is good enough"
Well this was revelatory! I have an extreme growth mindset and I thought everyone did, but some chose just not to follow that for some reason. It gives me a lot of anxiety and has offended many people. I’ve always felt that my achievements are never enough, I can always be better and I thought it was useful to encourage others to be the same. 🙄
My first thought listening to this was, "Wait everyone doesn't have this??" And the anxiety that started to build in my chest when you said "Maybe this is enough" .-.
I’m understanding this and recognising how I criticise myself. Basically it’s a case of level 100 is perfect but level 96 is more than enough but unless I’m not hitting 150 I’m not coming up to standard. What I have learnt is that it appears to be a common autistic trait.
@@simonmcglary Me too. I'm currently feeling basically frozen by burnout because I tried so hard to make a certain project succeed. (My jewelry business) The jewelry shop is gorgeous now. But it's not making money. So, to me that is only partial success. And the main function of the shop is not a success at all yet. Which is to support myself this way. So, I am feeling extreme disappointment and burnout. No matter how many people say my stuff looks stunning, if it's not supporting me like I planned for it to, it's not enough of a success to me. I don't even know what percentage to assign it. I just know that it's definitely not the 150 that I was going for. And that I need it to be. So, I feel like curling up in a hole and not making new things now. I mean, what's the point if it's not going to fulfill its purpose? Do you ever feel that way, too?
It's 100% me. I suffered so much when I was a little kid and through adolescence because of that. Along the years I kind of learned to suppress that part of myself and tried to act more "normal". Stills difficult.
Hey this is the story of an aspergers from India.. Today after watching this video I am 101 percent sure that I have aspergers. I have some self realisation 1. 90 percent of time my brain becomes stuck/overwhelmed due to n number of thought processing at one point of time.. So that I forgot who I am? I fee lost.. Struggle to keep track of my thinking/feelings 2. I can remember a lot of situation specially in the office where I feel so overwhelmed that I go to washroom to catch some breath/hold my head in a situation I know I can't handle myself. 3.I believe I am not able to understand the feeling of people if they are joking around/serious/ .. I always go very deep into the meaning of conversation with someone so I fail to crack the essence of the topic. 4. I feel most of the time I am very egoistic and can't take jokes etc.. Because I feel nobody is understanding me and my feelings. 5. I don't understand that nobody has the power to hurt me and most of the time they don't want to because they also have feelings. 6. I discovered that it is the fluctuations of emotions which are controling me like sudden joy/anger/jealousy/insecurity etc. 7. If someone's praise can't make me happy why should I worry if they scold me?? 8. I believe mixing with kindhearted non aspie people making me understand jokes/more emotions/helping me to take quick decision etc. 9. Most vital thing in this condition is self hurting feelings which overflows all the time and being unnecessary critical of yourself thinking about how others will dislike me 10. I again believe that I have realized these things very late on my thirties which I should have realised probably in my teen age. I blame my condition/bad upbringing /lacknofself awareness for this late realisation.. 11. MY GOAL IS TO UNDERSTAND THE WORLD BETTER AND BE MORE EMPHATIC TOWARDS OTHERS... Love ❤❤❤ to all
Why every time I watch a video I feel like you are talking about me? My fundamental belief is "If someone can do something, I can learn it", and I also always feel like I'm not doing enough, even if most of the time it's way over the common folks expectations... Thanks for your videos. I always love them.
Hammer hit the nail on the head again. Having a growth mindset certainly can be painful at times. I have experienced similar things. Quick story. For work we moved to a brand new building a few years ago..I was asked by a senior manager what I thought of it on the first day..I was totally honest about it. Great building needs a bit of work on the work spaces and other issues I had spotted. The manager looked shocked as they had spent years and a lot of money on getting it built and ready..
I can easily see myself answering that way. And shocking the poor manager. I have learned to tell people, almost playfully, "Don't ask me what you don't want to know. Because I'm probably going to answer." But honestly, if the manager had asked for your input while they were designing and preparing the space, the issues would have already been addressed. But I know your comment was about how we see things from a growth mindset and how our responses are often viewed by others. Which is usually not what they expect. I can definitely relate.
@@anyascelticcreations yeah. They did ask for feedback and what we all wanted and I did tell them at the time what I thought we would need. Response was we will get back to you and they never did. So no surprises there.
Do you have any concrete tips on overcoming the fear of failure? It's a massive problem in my life. If you consider the word ''enough'', I always think and feel I'm not X enough. (kind, good, smart, fast, precise) and it's bringing me down a lot. For myself, I'm never enough, even if my environment disagrees. Good example right now is a test I have to study for, and I don't even dare to start studying... It's infuriating.
I have the extreme obsession and growth mindset but burn out easily. It comes in waves. It’s also a question what have I accepted as a fixed position (ASD and all my social problems) vs the things that can grow (knowledge and skill set)
Anyway what video of your channel i'm watching so far i found myself in almost everyone. So amazing and interesting! 😊 My biggest hobby and strenght is AI developement and at the same time i'm always pushing myself close to burnout cuz i like to code everything to look and work perfect. I did not release anything for the last couple years cuz i always felt like its not good enough... So this may has something to do with this topic. Till today i wasn't aware of it... 😕
One of my therapists challenged me to go into my studio and paint something mediocre. To not try to make it as good as it could possibly be. I hated that. I told her no effing way.
Hi Paul , I have a suggestion how about seeking Enlightenment and with that a "Growth Mindset" will follow ? The "Extreme" part might be an issue ? Enough is a powerful word I agree !
Yes, I definitely relate. I am not competitive, though. Still, I have an issue: I'm quite obsessed with having the facts correct to a point it might not be considered necessary anymore; that triggers competitive people because usually my ideas and perspectives are more thorough and either they feel I'm a jerk trying to dismiss their ideas or they simply can't follow. I've been told I think I know better than every person in the team, but that's not true, it just happens to be that I'm usually the one who has more knowledge about the point we're discussing and I just can't let go a piece of work that contains incorrect facts. Conversely of what they think, I like being corrected and recognize my mistakes (something most people will avoid at all costs), but usually no one in my team has the resources to point them out, and that hurts them. What hurts me is being misjudged by intentions I don't have because they can't let their insecurities aside when discussing a project.
I absolutely relate to that. I don't dislike being wrong because I learn new things. And I love it. When read your comment, it reminded me my very frustrating working years. I had to stop 7 years ago, after 23 years. But it's still a trigger. With time, I accepted the fact that I did my very best, except that I wasn't able to make them learn and understand a lot of things. I struggled to mourn . A lot of mournings comes with age. My goals were to know everything and to read every books. I did everything very quickly, and felt lonely because people need so much time... well arrogant 🧐. Now I became slow and it makes me mad. I used to read 120 pages/ hour, now it's around 50... is it a new mourn to do or can I increased my level? I'm obsessed with this... and I'm a compulsive counter.🤦♀️
@@murielbilly4296 Yes, very frustrating indeed. I'm thinking in writing a blog or something to release some creative energy, because sometimes it gets rough. I'm a slow reader, but I'm very good at connecting points and taking ideas further; as I see it, it's ok to mourn what we lose (or don't have at all) but we need to find a way to turn it around, like hacking the system or something; we have our curiosity and eagerness on favor 😉.
What days and times are the live chats? Would like to participate my son has Asperger’s and I’m always looking at ways to help him and understand him. Thank you!
Interesting and great topic. I wonder how common perfectionism is in autistic people. I've been a perfectionist for most of my adult life--but only when it comes to things I'm already good at; then I keep trying to learn more or get better at it. (Special interests!) And because I like _constructive_ criticism on how I can do better because it shows that someone actually cares about my project or hobby, I assume other people who share my special interests (like writing, ahem⬇️) do too but have found out the hard way that's not usually true--and I guess I don't have the social skills to give constructive criticism and make it seem encouraging. At the same time, I have an EXTREME non-competitive mindset, so if someone else is already doing something 'new' that I set out to do or is better at it than I'll ever be (i.e., I already know I'm bad at, like sports or math, or even mediocre at, like being able to finish a book I'm not totally fascinated by), I'll avoid doing it at all if possible. For example, at college, when I _had_ to take math and science classes even though they didn't pertain to my major, I took 'survey' courses (similar to this Shortform that you're advertising), which were way easier for me than, say Calculus 101--or if a class was too hard and there was no way I was going to get an A and keep my GPA at _almost_ perfect (darn that literature course I took early on and only got a C!), I'd drop out ... although I had the luxury of doing that because I _worked_ at the college, got all my classes for free, just took them for fun until I'd taken so many I went to a guidance counselor to see if I could make some sort of degree out of them, got my associate's degree, and just kept going until, after 16 years, I ended up with a bachelor's degree shortly before becoming physically disabled. (I also have what I now know to be the common neurodivergent problem--since I also have ADHD--of being hirable but unable to _keep_ a job!) I just enjoy learning new things like you do. I know all the vocabulary, what the equations look like, and have a vague idea that it's all about calculating the area under a curve; I can sign-language interpret calculus classes and often predict what the teacher is going to say next. But I can't actually DO calculus to save my life! So I just don't. I stick with things I'm good at, like learning languages (but don't compete with others; I figure 'a rising tide lifts all boats'--although I do get frustrated with people who don't make an effort and hold everyone else back). And what I've always thought of as some kind of weird, annoying 'savant' (dis)ability--long before I learned that I'm autistic--that, if I turn the page of a book and there's a typo or misspelling anywhere on the page, my eye will go straight to it--and get stuck there! I'll obsess over it to the point where I can't finish reading the page unless I 'correct' it, and if I find too many, I may actually just quit reading the book altogether! (Grumbling to myself about how 'back in MY day,' this wouldn't be allowed to be published--much less be called a BOOK, ratzafratza...😡😡😡!) Yet I've 'inexplicably' found that my self-published author friend (i.e., neurotypical person who puts up with my often-annoying weirdnesses) doesn't appreciate my urge to copy-edit her books when I see typos or think of ways she could improve, even _perfect_ them! Yet she has a friend who's an editor whom she happily goes to for feedback and won't share her books with me at all anymore, go figure!🤔 She keeps telling me there are no books without typos, but I know for a fact that there are. (Ever seen a Bible with a typo? How about a dictionary? And I defy you to find one in a Harry Potter book! The American versions published by Scholastic at least. It is do-able--and used to be the norm before self-publishing and the Internet where people can just write any old thing, boring people, rambling on endlessly ...😉) But if I tell her that, it's guaranteed to lead to an argument where she either insists I'm wrong or gets all upset and says she's a terrible writer and may as well just quit!😭 Yet she'll gladly take advice from her professional editor friend. I guess in 'editing school,' if there is such a thing (?), they teach you how to give constructive criticism in a way that the recipient will like it. Or bow to your authority. (I know she often doesn't _like_ her editor friend's suggestions. But she takes them!) It just drives me personally crazy that, having gone to business school where I majored in word processing, which was actually new back then, back when we were running everything on DOS with a black screen with green or amber writing because they were considered the most ergonomic colors for your eyes--especially if you're autistic; anybody else here who can't stand white backgrounds on your computer or 'device'? Back when anyone actually _cared_ about office ergonomics, which was the topic of one of my term papers there ... if that gives you any idea how OLD I am. And I was really good at it; got the magna cum laude to prove it. But ever since Micro$oft started giving away the inferior 'Word' for free (and put WordPerfect out of business so now they can charge you big $$$ for it), everyone could type letters without knowing how to format them properly and self-publish without knowing the basic concepts of word processing and punctuation that were drilled into us at business school so that I can easily learn ANY word-processing program--uh, I mean 'app'🙄--since they all do the same thing and figure out how that 'app' does it, like tables and spell check (which gives people a false sense of confidence that they don't also need to proofread, grr!) or, even worse, autocorrect, which I ALWAYS disable because it's so often WRONG at reading my mind! (The definition of a 'mailable letter' typed on a typewriter was that it had ZERO errors, including formatting, and no more than THREE corrections, which the teacher could see by holding it up to the light.) And don't get me started on 'smart' quotes that nobody can figure out how to override since there needs to be an 'ending' apostrophe--shaped like a 9, NOT a 6 (!!!)--before a number or word with the beginning cut off, like the year '80 or the word _'tis_ !!! (The workaround is: You type TWO of them in a row and delete the first one!) I once had aspirations to be a copy editor because I was so good at it, but most publishers and self-publishers and especially newspapers and other online publications are too cheap to be bothered with quality control anymore--everything these days is disposable--so I'm not even sure there _is_ such a job as copy editor or even proofreader anymore! But has the price of books come down accordingly? Of course not! So when I pay good money for a book full of typos (saw my first one in a textbook at college, and textbooks are NOT cheap!!!), it actually makes me angry. And I don't understand why my friend doesn't want to know about a missing comma _before_ she publishes her book, just because I read slower than molasses going up a hill in January--or July for you, in the Snowy Mountains maybe😉--I can't comprehend why _she_ doesn't want her book to be a masterpiece rather than just saying, 'Yay, I made it to 85,000 words. That's good enough. Publish and move on to the next one!' because she's bored with that one and doesn't want to have to keep re-reading it! 'Good enough' isn't in my vocabulary either, lol. But that probably has more to do with how I was raised, which I won't go into, than any innate traits. (I was a hopeless slacker/failure at life until I made the decision myself to go back to college and found out that I actually _could_ get A's!) For me, re-reading--and improving--my ONE novel I started in high school that's probably never going to get published (at last estimate, it was over 600 pages!) is fun because the reason I wrote it in the first place is that it's the book I want to read, and nobody else was writing it, so I figured, after 25 years of searching without any luck, I'd just have to do it myself. And, of course, as soon as I did, all the books and movies I _would_ have read/watched and enjoyed have 'stolen' my ideas! So if I published it now, it would seem highly derivative of things that it isn't; I came up with them first!😜 So I can't be bothered to say, 'That's good enough,'😬 and just publish it since that's how non-competitive I am.😁 PS: I'm actually trained and really good at captioning, which was what drove me to _finish_ my bachelor's degree. Unfortunately, I was laid off from my last job for being TOO much of a perfectionist, and I'm in too much chronic pain that's flared up by computer use/typing to be prompt/reliable.🙁 But it was my favorite job ever. In case you know anybody who's looking for someone to do TH-cam captioning on occasion--and doesn't need it finished immediately. (Don't get me started on all the 'auto-captioned'--i.e., UN-captioned--videos on here!!! I actually appreciate it when people take the time to caption their TH-cam videos! Starting with punctuation and capitalization! And most people don't speak nearly as clearly as you do, Paul.)
PPS: Haha, I read _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ ages ago. And 'ages' is a long time for me! I guess it didn't stick, did it, Paul? (Okay, I at least remember that people like it when you use their names.)
Im idealistic but i learned to love finding a precise balance between accepting and changing.... and knowing i am a dynamic being meaning change is an essential part part of who i am as a being in this dimension. But we can only try to evolve when we have the resources. i recently realized that i was born with resources that society didnt prepare me for.
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You hit on another of my autistic insanities: perfectionism. But - a few years ago, I redefined "perfection"... in some situations, mediocre is "perfection". When I'm planting seedlings, lining them up perfectly and 100% vertically makes no difference to the plants - actually, handling the plants even more to line them up can harm them.
Yet, I'm struggling with other things: I can't start some tasks because I know I can't meet my own standards, Even when mediocre is much better than doing nothing.
Ahh... the joys and the agonies of autism! But... I love being autistic!
God bless you, Paul. And God bless the rest of you guys who follow him.
For me, perfect is something you wouldn't change, even if you could,.
i know exatly what you mean, iv'e delayed a project now for months because i fear it won't be perfect with the current solution iv'e come up with.
@@knut5328 Me too. How can I work on a project that I know will never be perfect!? It's stifling. Does anyone have any strategies they can share to push through to get these important and necessary projects done? What can we do next?
@@jenniferwerezak4165 let it go.
Much easier said than done!! My husband and I are totally opposite on this - the outcome is, MANY things I decide to do don't get finished (or even started), meanwhile my husband has planned, started and put the finishing touches on a similar task.
I envy that sooooo much! I also have ADHD, so distractions mean that a task that is likely to take 45 mins for him, will take me 45 mins today, and probably need another 2 sessions of 45 mins another time (at least!). It drives me mad!! But, mad enough to leave things unfished or less than they could be? 😒 Challenging!
God bless you too brother/sister! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I commented on the last video that I saw that Paul might be me in man form, now I'm convinced that it's true 😂 A bad trait with my extreme growth mindset is that when it's focused on my own growth I push too far for too long and can end up either injured or burnt out, or both. It also gives the impression to my support team that I'm functioning a lot better than I might actually be, which can be a disadvantage. But it also helps me to achieve some pretty great things 👍 I do have to be aware of seeming arrogant or callous, though. When I get hyper-focused on something I can be blunt with or ignore the people around me. I'm really glad I found this channel.
Same here.
Same!
Same here too! I'm in burnout mode rn because I overdid it at my new job!
Me too! I need to make therapists aware that they will need to remind me to REST 😂
I heard a saying about 'if you want to work hard, rest twice as hard' and I try to use that so I'm able to keep moving forward, know I'm moving forward but not feel guilt for resting (which so many of us do!)
I've just had the revelation i was autistic yesterday. i havent been happier in so long. everything i read everything i watch about autism im like. this is me.
A painting is never finished. Somehow, somewhere in the process, the artist needs to decide that what they’ve done is enough. I find the philosophy of the painter is a good foil to perfectionism.
It's interesting, because even though the intention of growth is positive for sure, there is an element of "not good enough" within it
Two options were mentioned: 1. things are fixed and I can't change, and 2. things can be improved and I can change
And basically the third kinda option not mentioned is: I am good enough, and it's okay to be where I am without the need to focus on "improvement". So like, acceptance :) (not to be confused with apathy! or with lack of any change!)
"Maybe we can take a break......!" I laughed and laughed at myself. What a concept!!! Letting in other peoples perspectives as yet another means to growth. Thanks, Paul! Well explained, very clear.
I usually have an extreme growth mindset. But I'm currently in an extreme burnout phase. That's dangerous because I need to continue to improve in order to keep housed, fed, etc. But I feel frozen by burnout. And guilty about that because of my natural growth mindset. Like I know there is so much more to be done and improved upon. But I just don't have it in me to do it.
Bilbo Baggins describes it like this. "... thin. Like butter scraped over too much bread." Only I know that all the bread still needs to be covered in butter.
Exact state I'm currently in. Nearly infinite to-do list (gets longer every day), totally burnt out & struggling just do basic housework etc. And then .. the guilt. I wonder if 'growth mindset' is always associated with a greater risk of self criticism, guilt and increased, powerful, negative self-talk. Seems to be for me.
@@tickledcynic9 I suspect it's common for people with an extreme growth mindset to feel the way we do. I don't do negative self talk anymore. I used to, but I stopped years ago. It doesn't erase the guilt, though. It just doesn't make it worse.
I feel like this world is just too much sometimes. Like no amount of butter would cover the metiphorical bread.
I just long to move to a place where there is no need to butter the bread. Just be at peace.
I never stop trying to improve, yet people around me often see that as being competitive with them and can treat me in a way that makes me want to exit a situation. I often state to people that I hate competition, but now I can see how that statement can be completely misunderstood, I’m really trying to just say how much I’m not interested in competing with anyone. I love being around clever people as I figure I can learn something from them. I don’t receive complements well because I am not sure how to , if I’m told something I’ve done is really good, I’m usually still analysing it and finding fault. So I probably look ungrateful for the compliment or something.
Dear Ms James. Perhaps the discomfort of others with your striving for excellence is their problem, not yours. I have experienced similar reactions, and found it immensely freeing to realize and accept the fact that the pursuit of excellence is a noble endeavor (unless it becomes a compulsion), and that if others see it as competitive and are threatened by it, that is their problem to deal with, not mine (there will always, sadly, be those who are jealous of, or threatened by, excellence).
And I know what you mean about the difficulty of accepting a compliment. That is where the Other Person does matter: that is how they see it and they want to let you know. That is an act of generosity and/or friendship on their part, I finally realized; and it is a reciprocal act of generosity/friendship on my part to simply say "Thank you", even if my performance is not altogether what I would like it to be. At 80+ I still struggle with that one, but in friendship, I offer you these reflections from my own experience; and, as Paul noted (#2), be kind to yourself.
@@garywait3231 thank you , well put.
I don't see it as competitive, I see it as an endless goal
Basically, you're okay, you don't need to keep on improving and improving, you are enough 💜
And I definitely don't think you're ungrateful, rather that you're hard on yourself
Perfect is the enemy of the good.
This goes with life (being happy with what you have) politics (how much good are you willing to sacrifice for a utopia that cannot be accomplished) and just about every facet of life.
I'm very growth oriented too and add that with the fact I didn't know I was autistic for most of my life and was trying so, so hard to be a successful neurotypical and it meant pushing myself into and through unhealthy and painful things. It's quite a journey now that I know I'm autistic to heal my relationship with that aspect of myself as I caused myself quite a lot of suffering with it.
I love learning and applying knowledge so that remains a neutral/positive thing. The rest I work to always focus it into self-nurturing, self-acceptance and bringing me closer to my self, rather than denying or rejecting parts of myself and going very slow, gentle, and careful and monitoring my reactions to things. Also, instead of deciding I'm 100% going to do something and achieve a certain goal, I just think of things as an experiment, just dip my toes in and see how it feels and then reassess.
Mostly it's just trying to be grounded, come home to myself and recover and heal after a lot of hard years. 💛
I can completely relate, however find it incredibly difficult to let the quality of my tasks slide. 😏
I definitely relate to this and I like the idea of looking at things like an experiment. It lifts the weight off of you because you realize you don't have to do something perfectly and that it's ok if you fail or don't reach a certain goal (or certain level of quality). I'm also really trying to love and accept myself (even though it's hard) and to stop looking at my inadequacies as weaknesses, because they're what make us unique and we shouldn't be ashamed of them
(I know that was prolly long and deep. Teenage years lol 😂)
@@supermariokenneth584 Yes exactly, it lifts the weight and pressure off. I have lived with massive perfectionist tendencies so on the other side of that a light, gentle, experimental, curious and learning approach works well. Long and deep thoughts are perfectly OK - they're the autistic way. 💛
Totally relatable! Another thing I tell myself is 'not forever', so my brain doesn't immediately rush to the 'WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS FOREVER' thoughts 😂
It's so easy for us to push ourselves ridiculously hard and not even realise or take a minute to breathe. Even though we by in large need more time, more rest, more sleep and less perfection
My strengths is that I am incredibly creative and is also very philosophical, but they are also major weaknesses since those two different strengths can make it a whole lot more difficult for me to do things that are hard and boring like having a job or being able to start and run a business or to do chores around the house.
I'm feeling that, too. Plus, I need to have results. Concrete results, if my goal is concrete returns. With no or not enough results, and little enjoyment of the process, I find it extremely difficult to force myself to continue.
Oh absolutely!!
Ive been stewing around & around frustrated that I get thwarted each turn by other's stupidity, selfishness, or neediness. I cannot intentionally hurt another person, but when does it end? I know my idea of perfection does not exist in this world, yet, come on, people. Some of us have some really beautiful ideas & plans that would be good. Just good. What's wrong with a bit of goodness in life? Why does everyone love drama, & love creating crisis?!? People addicted to crisis & complaining is getting old.
Some people thrive on drama I think
@@debbieodle7282 yeah its like a more complex version of the person who can't sit in silence with someone for more than 2 seconds. Maybe they're the same person? Hmm 🤔
May I ask for an example of how you've had your ideas thwarted in this way? I've been struggling with this heavily the past few days as well so when I saw your comment I became curious. No worries if you'd rather not. ✌️
@@debbieodle7282 sociopaths must create drama to feed of the emotional energy.
I'm more on the Fixed Mindset side, and despite it getting a lot of flak, there is a very big advantage to it for someone dealing with toxic people. It helps resisting gaslighting. My bullheaded conviction is probably the only thing that kept me from completely losing myself while I was raised by narcs and set up for falling into other narc/toxic relationships. I'm not unscathed, far from it, but I have enough pieces left to build myself from scratch.
Impatience and frustration with the fixed-mindset people is quite an issue for me. So much so that, if possible, I better not have close or long-term dealings with them. Better for them too... hehe🤪
Same here, I end up offending more than helping...
Thanks Paul, I keep going down rabbit holes, my father and friend has commented anything I do, I strive to be an expert in, I compete with myself not others. It’s weakness is if I don’t think I can do it well enough to meet my expectations I’ll tend to procrastinate or won’t take it on in the first place.
I don’t think people know how to take constructive criticism anymore, they’re so sensitised by the “every child gets a medal” culture IMO.
As an 80+ year old clergyman, who still does some counseling, I have been a regular follower of, and I hope learner from, your excellent and thought provoking videos. Of course, I recognised your Biblical paraphrase immediately, which in the original (KJV tr.) is: "Sufficient unto the day is the evil (or, trouble) thereof". Also, I often have occasion to say to my counselees points 2 and 3 that you so aptly shared: first, be kind to yourself. Compulsives and strivers after perfection at every level tend to be hardest on themselves. Then, be kind to, and, if possible, be understanding of, and patient with others. And, old as I am, I still have often to remind myself of these two points. I'm so glad I discovered your channel; your wise words are a goldmine of good sense not just for those on the spectrum, but for everyone as we pursue the lifelong journey in company with our fellow beings. Thanks!
Beautifully said.
@@anyascelticcreations : Thank you; and blessings and happiness to you.
@@garywait3231 Thank you very much. And to you, too. 🙏
When working with others, pay attention to when you’ve crossed the good enough line.
I had a lot of difficulty communicating in a previous work setting where we were told having a growth mindset was expected from team members and this meant we should admit mistakes as soon as possible so we could get help to do better because we all can improve. Now, my mindset isn't what I see as 'fixed', but I do have a sense of what I can or can't do now or *yet*, but it caused difficulty because approaching other for help triggers social phobias I have and my saying I though my work was not bad, or improved or probably good enough was just not well recieved well and I was frequently assigned to do something over again.
I relate to that a lot, and I've been thinking about this issue as well for the past few days. My growth mindset sometimes keeps me from allowing myself to enjoy certain things and accept them into my life because I feel that I'm not "ready yet", that I haven't prepared enough and it's not all perfect yet so I can't have it. It also definitely makes me critical towards people, and judgemental of them when they don't do things "up to my standards", even though of course, they aren't required to. And yes, I think it does distance people from me and gives the impression of arrogance. So I am working on allowing myself and things around me to just be as they are, to stop the researching and reading and trying so hard to improve. I'm trying to be kinder to other people, as well as to myself, and accept myself as I am right now.
This is how I've been feeling lately, totally. So it's good I saw this today. :) I've been really upset wanting to keep improving my life and doing more and more and more, and I've gotten disappointed if I couldn't accomplish more, and it's seriously burnt me out. I forgot how to just chill out. I'm the same way as you describe - I see myself as being capable and ready to take on anything I dream of. So it can feel like a struggle when - for whatever reason - I'm unable to take action or "fix" things quick enough. And I really wish there wasn't such a pressure in society to "work harder" and "accomplish more" because it does just imply that how you are isn't enough.
Exactly that.
I agree, we take pride in exhaustion in this society, unfortunately. Read from a book that we wear the exhaustion as a medal to show how hard we have worked...
@@RubberTag You are soo soo right. I used to work at a gym. It was so evident there. If a person wasn't exhausted there then they weren't doing a good. They were thought of as weak or lazy.
People also took pride in injury there. Especially injury from overworking yourself. And they were expected to just put a brace on the injury and keep working out. Showing pain there was not an option. It was expected that people just push through the pain without showing it.
I subscribed to that idea while I was there. It has been over 2 years since I quit. And I still have lingering injuries from when I was there.
This helps me understand some people in my life, thank you.
I needed this. Topic is perfect for me. :)
I relate to this extreme growth mindset so much. I also have to keep in my conscious mind, always, words like "enough" and "celebrate."
Sending a message that comes across horribly when I thought I was doing awesome is relatable content
Me also!!!
I hope I can take something valuable from this like always! Thanks again Paul for your videos and consistent help 😊
I was describing this dynamic to my husband, just last week! We were talking about leadership roles and how, as the designated 'smart one', everyone wanted me to lead their group, and I avoided it like the plague, because if I'm a participant, I can give good content and sort of guide the direction of things toward something that might approach my personal standards for quality. As the leader, I can't contribute more than others without people feeling judged or like I'm being bossy and taking over. As the power behind the throne, the same input is just received as helpful insight and excellent contribution.
Oh yes I relate to this. "Lead us and tell us what to do"
Nope. I would much rather plan, guide and do quality control haha
Years ago I was told by a manager who stood over me and told me in front of work colleagues that I wasn't doing enough. He blindsided me and all I could say was " I'm doing my best" He replied No, not good enough" Thereafter I couldn't stop. I felt guilty for taking a tea-break and couldn't relax. If I opened a drawer, I had to tidy it. I would need to be constantly busy. If something went wrong I thought I was to blame. I was terrified of being still in his presence. Eventually I burned out and he was promoted.
So sorry to hear this was your experience! I had a similar person in my life. Avoidance became my go-to coping mechanism, but still they ground down my soul so much, I had to leave.
Every strength has weak aspects - that doesnt mean that every strength IS a weakness (maybe a semantic difference, but its an important one, I think). A growth mindset is a good thing, its something we share - we just need a little balance sometimes and, as you say, congratulate ourselves and those around us for successes. :o)
I have trouble with moderation. It's either dialed up to 11, or I just don't care. However, not caring doesn't dial down my perfectionism, I just get bored and depressed. So I need new challenges every once in a while, but I also need the time to see something all the way through. Life is rarely so accommodating, but it's good to know yourself in all situations. 'Cause that's life! Cheers y'all!
Yes! Every strength is also a weakness!
My therapist always talks growth mindset versus fixed mindset. Wow
While watching this video I was braiding my hair and the braid only turned out okay although it took a lot of effort. I was about to undo it all and try it again to make it look better but this video made me accept that it’s okay to have just an okay braid and I can let my sore a** arms rest😂 Your videos always give me such great insight into my mind and the way I’ve thought my whole life without even realising that that’s not how everyone thinks so thank you! I’m 20 and only just realising that I think I’m on the spectrum and your videos have been a tremendous help! - A fellow Aussie!
I do relate: I especially need to relinquish perfectionism when being kind to myself.
Interesting. Not what I had expected from the title, but valuable. You're working with more people, on more teams than I am. But when I AM working on a team, I recognize the law of diminshing returns, and instead of saying "we should..." or "we can..." with suggestions, I usually phrase it as "Do we want to...?" which gives the team the chance to say no, or maybe later... I still have a problem of almost never celebrating accomplishments, but have picked up some jobs proofreading, which seems to soak up the pursuit of perfection quite nicely.
I think you might benefit from the book called effortless. I used to chase improvements and it exhausted me. The book says ‘never do more today than you can effortlessly recover from by tomorrow’. Maybe that could be a good boundary for growth? I’m not a fan of the word enough so I think my word would be effortless 😊
Unfortunately, that is meaning that I am doing less and less as I physically deline. The amount that I can effortlessly recover from is so much less than it used to be. Thanks, Long COVID, etc.
@@anyascelticcreations I can relate as I have Fibromyalgia, neurological issues and fatigue. But since I’ve learnt what I can and can’t recover from effortlessly my pain and fatigue is less and weirdly I have done more. Still have bad days so I rest and try not to fear not getting better/getting everything done, as that just pushes me into a state of heightened anxiety which just makes everything harder to recover from. It is ok to do nothing if that is what your body is telling you it needs. I just recovered from covid, I’d been in bed for a week and I’m still not recovered but I noticed my pain significantly decreased after prolonged rest so rest is definitely the key for me.
@@ArtyAntics Wow. It sounds like you really understand. Thank you very much for the encouraging words. I've had something that feels about like Long COVID since my mid 20s. And lots of structural issues/pain. Some of what I have is diagnosed, (like scoliosis and hypermobility etc), and some of it isn't. (Whatever was causing me to feel like Long COVID years before I got that, too) So, I'm not on disability and have just pushed myself as hard as I could to try to be like "normal" people and to survive. It ran me into the ground. And I was never able to do it well anyway.
I finally rested when the pandemic hit. Because the quarantine, and getting COVID, were the perfect excuse. Plus, I legitimately felt worse.
But I'm perpetually inches away from not making it financially. (Autism plays a big part in that, too.) So, I've never really accepted that it's okay to rest. I do rest a lot more now, but I feel a lot of anxiety and guilt about it. Which, as you said, makes it worse.
And I push myself too hard sometimes still and then am wiped out for another week. I'm guessing you've been through that, too.
I really do appreciate the encouragement and the wise words. I wish I had someone telling me those things regularly. Lol. And disability income.
I hope you finish recovering from COVID fully and have no lasting effects. And I hope you enjoy as much rest as you need. Thank you again. Hugs.
@@anyascelticcreations the most productive people in life are those who know how to rest. The hardest realisation for me was realising that my obsession with getting things done was making me ill. Have a listen to this book, I think it might help: th-cam.com/video/fqT8KHCJ_PE/w-d-xo.html
@@ArtyAntics Thank you! I really appreciate the encouragement, the wisdom, and the link. Hugs.
It's so helpful hearing you describe something I've struggled with so much in relationships. I used to finish jobs by immediately going over what I think we did wrong and it left everyone feeling deflated. I made a conscious decision to celebrate the things we did well before I talked about things I wanted to work on. It also helped me appreciate some of the things I was missing out on because I was always trying to do better. It also reminded me to tell people things I appreciated about them and the things they were doing. I realised I was assuming they knew and that was just wrong.
It still gets in the way of relationships because I have to fight the urge to "improve" how well we know each other, how to do more things better, how to analyse things we need to work on. Hearing you compare the two mindsets is very helpful for understanding things a bit better, thank you.
Thanks Paul. I didn't realise I too had the extreme growth mindset. And it has definitely caused unnecessary issues in my relationships many times. I don't think I fully realised how extreme this mindset of mine was until your video. I could never understand how people could be so passive or complacent, how people could be observers of life instead of participants. And I saw this as a big baffling issue, but I'm unlearning my binary thinking one day at a time. Sometimes it's good to observe the fruits of your labour, and sometimes what I think is right, isn't necessarily true for someone else, even if I know it might benefit them in the long run. We are all allowed our choices and mistakes, that doesn't make anyone else wrong or right, it's just life, it's just variety, it's free will.
Like the old saying “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”
This resonates so strongly for me right now, thanks for sharing, we are not alone!
You are speaking my thoughts out loud!!! Thank you so much for sharing and coaching! Just knowing someone else knows how I think makes me feel so much less alone. And that is enough to make you one of my favorite TH-cam channels!
I think you've hit the nail on the head with this one. Great video!
Thank you again Paul for another great video which has helped me and others.
I’m so glad I found this channel, I’ve never felt like I can absolutely relate to so many things that I have been dragged for my entire life. This is literally life changing thank you so much Paul. 💖
I learned over time to be ok with being decent at something rather than perfect.
Thanks for your authentic broadcasts. Always informative. Take it easy Paul 🙂
This video is gold. Thank you. I understand to a ridiculous level with this and can be very top choice for everything. I find many things you have discussed or figured out i have to. Similar brains. Love your stuff.
Hi Paul, this was really fun to watch again, love your perspective!
Great video! I shared with my spouse because it is very relevant to how I'm always moving on to the next thing while he savors the achievement!
Love this, Paul. I find so much value from your videos as a fellow aspie.
Looking for the good in all situations, this is no different. This extreme growth mindset is a wonderful trait/tool. It has helped me overcome many extremely difficult situations. Love these videos, thank you!
I needed this.. even after my counseling today.. lots of past things surfaced.. and surfsced.surfaced.. and alot of it was this.
For me, I'm a perfectionist and it's something I want to change because for me it doesn't come from a healthy place. It goes along with a subconscious feeling of "I NEED/SHOULD achieve this or I'm not good enough." My perfectionism is associated with a lot of self-criticism to try to push myself to reach whatever standard I've set for myself. What I'm wanting to grow in, at this point in my life, is self-compassion. The lesson I'm trying to learn is that compassionate acceptance is not the opposite of growth. That it will be easier for me to grow in a sustainable and consistent way if I am much more gentle, encouraging, and celebratory with myself. Those are my experiences with this. I'm not autistic, so I don't know if your growth-mindset is different and less self-flagulating than my perfectionism. A fantastic thing to explore, though, and I wish everyone well on their life journey.
Awww! So thoughtful and kind❤Good to remember we are all always enough by just being us and being content with that. Love the challenge of improving myself though!😄
I’ve been striving to find the balance between growing the things I feel I’m good at, but being ok with the things I’m not so good at.
Great topic and discussion Paul! I'm learning so much from your experience and perspective. And it's amazing how just reading the title of your video hooks me in because it is exactly what I've been facing all these years without knowing the terms to it. So I faced the exact same situation today with a teammate trying to get him to see where we can improve and flourish and work out the kinks in our workflow, and he just took it negatively. Never thought that it would be perceived as criticism!
Very helpful Paul. I am going to share with my friends so they can better understand.
Nice haircut! Looking good, sharp and handsome! Great video too! Thank you so much for sharing yourself so authentically time and again
I was recently diagnosed as a 27 year old. Thank you for raising awareness about the issue.
I’ve always been my own competition. I don’t compare myself. I did recently realize my growth mindset is on the extreme side, which can be draining to those closest to me. Something I really need to work on 😬
Oh, my goodness, yes! I can relate to this so much.
Your videos are truly incredible. I think this one has me shook 😳 😂 oh lordie... I might have to challenge myself to grow some more and learn about how to ease off my obsession with improvements! Such an insight! I am pushy! thank you for sharing this, it's so unique. I never heard anyone talk in this exact way, about this mindset. I thought I was the only one! 🤣💕💓
wow, when I listen to your videos I realize you're getting wiser every day (yes, you: Paul). Nice reason for your growth mind to purr ... 🤗
even just walking into a room, any room, my mindset is always, "find something to fix. or, straighten. or, clean. or, at least, imagine something in here differently than how it is right now!" 😐
Heh. I have an extreme fixed minset and I forget to celebrate victories too. High trait neuroticism makes everything look hopeless, and high trait conscientiousness makes me a self critical perfectionist. But a perfectionist from a place of anxiety rather than just noticing room for improvement. I overdo my weaknesses and have trouble noticing my strengths. It's like I'm the opposite of you.
I hate my anxious temperament
Hey Paul. I'm subscribed to your channel, but this video never showed up for me, so I'm late to reply. I can relate to this SO much!!! In irony, my mother is also on the spectrum, and she pushed all 4 of her children very hard. Me being the only girl, she pushed really too hard sometimes. I can see that I am repeating this behavior in my own children because I see SO MUCH potential and have to be careful not to push to exasperation. I also push my employee in this way. Thank you for these reminders to use discernment!
I feel sure my grandmother was a pushy Asperger's too.
Wow, im the exact same! thank you for making this video!
I have a growth mindset. It has caused many people to not want to work with me. For example, the algorithm to process image data from Mars ran in order n-cubed. They used "tricks" to make it run maybe 20% faster but it caused issues that had to be airbrushed out. I was talking to a person who figured out how to eliminate the issues and his algorithm ran in order n-square, log n. To everyone else, the speed increase was amazing. I agree, it was amazing. Add to that, it didn't have the imaging issues of the old algorithm was next level good. The first thing out of my mouth was, "does your algorithm account for the albedo effect of reflected light from surrounding objects?" I didn't acknowledge the great achievement this person had done; I thought "how can we make this better?"
Oddly enough, the person told me his algorithm didn't solve for the albedo effect and we immediately started brainstorming on how it could be improved. 😂 But everyone else in the room looked at me in shock and horror thinking I was some sort of monster.
I try to stop and celebrate successes but I also warn people, if I'm hard on you and always demanding more, it is because I see how great you are and want to tap into that potential.
Sounds like super cool place to work at!!
I am hopeless at the inner workings of a computer. And my brother's whole career was building and testing them!
OMG! Yes! We can do better, how do we do it, we could try this etc ... but never taken that way. Always taken negatively. I can't work out how to do this differently 😪 and I'm only just realising they don't want to do better/are happy with it as is, so I need to try and accept that and not let it cause difficulties for me. I need a mindset change.
i can't stand certain things things not being perfect.
i got a new motorcycle last year, and iv'e kept it in really good condition,
but not long ago my dad offered to wash it, when he was done washing he pulled out a dirty fiber cloth and started to wipe down my bike bike with it, now it has swirl marks EVERYWHERE, i feel like i'm dying inside just looking at it.
Thank you so much, Paul. Hard to put into words how eye-opening this video is for me right now. Let's just say: One of my fav part of song lyrics is by Radiohead in their song "Optimistic". When I first heard it years ago, I - just like that - burst into tears.
"You can try the best you can
The best you can is good enough"
100% me and thank you so very much :)
Well this was revelatory! I have an extreme growth mindset and I thought everyone did, but some chose just not to follow that for some reason. It gives me a lot of anxiety and has offended many people. I’ve always felt that my achievements are never enough, I can always be better and I thought it was useful to encourage others to be the same. 🙄
This is me, omg so good to hear its not just me
My first thought listening to this was, "Wait everyone doesn't have this??" And the anxiety that started to build in my chest when you said "Maybe this is enough" .-.
I’m understanding this and recognising how I criticise myself. Basically it’s a case of level 100 is perfect but level 96 is more than enough but unless I’m not hitting 150 I’m not coming up to standard. What I have learnt is that it appears to be a common autistic trait.
Which causes burnout if we are not able to hit 150. Or at least 100.
@@anyascelticcreations on numerous occasions for me! I’ll learn someday.
@@simonmcglary Me too. I'm currently feeling basically frozen by burnout because I tried so hard to make a certain project succeed. (My jewelry business) The jewelry shop is gorgeous now. But it's not making money. So, to me that is only partial success. And the main function of the shop is not a success at all yet. Which is to support myself this way.
So, I am feeling extreme disappointment and burnout. No matter how many people say my stuff looks stunning, if it's not supporting me like I planned for it to, it's not enough of a success to me.
I don't even know what percentage to assign it. I just know that it's definitely not the 150 that I was going for. And that I need it to be.
So, I feel like curling up in a hole and not making new things now. I mean, what's the point if it's not going to fulfill its purpose?
Do you ever feel that way, too?
It's 100% me. I suffered so much when I was a little kid and through adolescence because of that. Along the years I kind of learned to suppress that part of myself and tried to act more "normal". Stills difficult.
Hey this is the story of an aspergers from India..
Today after watching this video I am 101 percent sure that I have aspergers. I have some self realisation
1. 90 percent of time my brain becomes stuck/overwhelmed due to n number of thought processing at one point of time.. So that I forgot who I am? I fee lost.. Struggle to keep track of my thinking/feelings
2. I can remember a lot of situation specially in the office where I feel so overwhelmed that I go to washroom to catch some breath/hold my head in a situation I know I can't handle myself.
3.I believe I am not able to understand the feeling of people if they are joking around/serious/ .. I always go very deep into the meaning of conversation with someone so I fail to crack the essence of the topic.
4. I feel most of the time I am very egoistic and can't take jokes etc.. Because I feel nobody is understanding me and my feelings.
5. I don't understand that nobody has the power to hurt me and most of the time they don't want to because they also have feelings.
6. I discovered that it is the fluctuations of emotions which are controling me like sudden joy/anger/jealousy/insecurity etc.
7. If someone's praise can't make me happy why should I worry if they scold me??
8. I believe mixing with kindhearted non aspie people making me understand jokes/more emotions/helping me to take quick decision etc.
9. Most vital thing in this condition is self hurting feelings which overflows all the time and being unnecessary critical of yourself thinking about how others will dislike me
10. I again believe that I have realized these things very late on my thirties which I should have realised probably in my teen age. I blame my condition/bad upbringing /lacknofself awareness for this late realisation..
11. MY GOAL IS TO UNDERSTAND THE WORLD BETTER AND BE MORE EMPHATIC TOWARDS OTHERS...
Love ❤❤❤ to all
Very, very, relatable.
Why every time I watch a video I feel like you are talking about me? My fundamental belief is "If someone can do something, I can learn it", and I also always feel like I'm not doing enough, even if most of the time it's way over the common folks expectations...
Thanks for your videos. I always love them.
6:35
Gospel of Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Hammer hit the nail on the head again. Having a growth mindset certainly can be painful at times. I have experienced similar things. Quick story. For work we moved to a brand new building a few years ago..I was asked by a senior manager what I thought of it on the first day..I was totally honest about it. Great building needs a bit of work on the work spaces and other issues I had spotted. The manager looked shocked as they had spent years and a lot of money on getting it built and ready..
I can easily see myself answering that way. And shocking the poor manager. I have learned to tell people, almost playfully, "Don't ask me what you don't want to know. Because I'm probably going to answer."
But honestly, if the manager had asked for your input while they were designing and preparing the space, the issues would have already been addressed.
But I know your comment was about how we see things from a growth mindset and how our responses are often viewed by others. Which is usually not what they expect. I can definitely relate.
@@anyascelticcreations yeah. They did ask for feedback and what we all wanted and I did tell them at the time what I thought we would need. Response was we will get back to you and they never did. So no surprises there.
@@Worrelpa Well, it sounds like you tried. 🤷♀️
Do you have any concrete tips on overcoming the fear of failure? It's a massive problem in my life. If you consider the word ''enough'', I always think and feel I'm not X enough. (kind, good, smart, fast, precise) and it's bringing me down a lot. For myself, I'm never enough, even if my environment disagrees.
Good example right now is a test I have to study for, and I don't even dare to start studying... It's infuriating.
I can actually relate to this and yeah I don't always see myself as good enough or just can't always see myself the way others describe me... It sucks
This video is Enough! (by which I mean its great)
You help me so much. :)
I have the extreme obsession and growth mindset but burn out easily. It comes in waves. It’s also a question what have I accepted as a fixed position (ASD and all my social problems) vs the things that can grow (knowledge and skill set)
It definitely does come in waves, very interesting insight.
Enough❤
perfection is non existence. by creating something, you protest against its shackles of lies; and that is when you grow. through your faults.
🤯
I'm not stubborn, I'm tenacious
Anyway what video of your channel i'm watching so far i found myself in almost everyone.
So amazing and interesting! 😊
My biggest hobby and strenght is AI developement and at the same time i'm always pushing myself close to burnout cuz i like to code everything to look and work perfect.
I did not release anything for the last couple years cuz i always felt like its not good enough...
So this may has something to do with this topic.
Till today i wasn't aware of it... 😕
One of my therapists challenged me to go into my studio and paint something mediocre. To not try to make it as good as it could possibly be. I hated that. I told her no effing way.
Hi Paul , I have a suggestion how about seeking Enlightenment and with that a "Growth Mindset" will follow ? The "Extreme" part might be an issue ? Enough is a powerful word I agree !
Yes, I definitely relate. I am not competitive, though. Still, I have an issue: I'm quite obsessed with having the facts correct to a point it might not be considered necessary anymore; that triggers competitive people because usually my ideas and perspectives are more thorough and either they feel I'm a jerk trying to dismiss their ideas or they simply can't follow. I've been told I think I know better than every person in the team, but that's not true, it just happens to be that I'm usually the one who has more knowledge about the point we're discussing and I just can't let go a piece of work that contains incorrect facts.
Conversely of what they think, I like being corrected and recognize my mistakes (something most people will avoid at all costs), but usually no one in my team has the resources to point them out, and that hurts them. What hurts me is being misjudged by intentions I don't have because they can't let their insecurities aside when discussing a project.
I absolutely relate to that. I don't dislike being wrong because I learn new things. And I love it. When read your comment, it reminded me my very frustrating working years. I had to stop 7 years ago, after 23 years. But it's still a trigger. With time, I accepted the fact that I did my very best, except that I wasn't able to make them learn and understand a lot of things. I struggled to mourn . A lot of mournings comes with age. My goals were to know everything and to read every books. I did everything very quickly, and felt lonely because people need so much time... well arrogant 🧐. Now I became slow and it makes me mad. I used to read 120 pages/ hour, now it's around 50... is it a new mourn to do or can I increased my level? I'm obsessed with this... and I'm a compulsive counter.🤦♀️
@@murielbilly4296 Yes, very frustrating indeed. I'm thinking in writing a blog or something to release some creative energy, because sometimes it gets rough. I'm a slow reader, but I'm very good at connecting points and taking ideas further; as I see it, it's ok to mourn what we lose (or don't have at all) but we need to find a way to turn it around, like hacking the system or something; we have our curiosity and eagerness on favor 😉.
What days and times are the live chats? Would like to participate my son has Asperger’s and I’m always looking at ways to help him and understand him. Thank you!
Interesting and great topic. I wonder how common perfectionism is in autistic people. I've been a perfectionist for most of my adult life--but only when it comes to things I'm already good at; then I keep trying to learn more or get better at it. (Special interests!) And because I like _constructive_ criticism on how I can do better because it shows that someone actually cares about my project or hobby, I assume other people who share my special interests (like writing, ahem⬇️) do too but have found out the hard way that's not usually true--and I guess I don't have the social skills to give constructive criticism and make it seem encouraging.
At the same time, I have an EXTREME non-competitive mindset, so if someone else is already doing something 'new' that I set out to do or is better at it than I'll ever be (i.e., I already know I'm bad at, like sports or math, or even mediocre at, like being able to finish a book I'm not totally fascinated by), I'll avoid doing it at all if possible. For example, at college, when I _had_ to take math and science classes even though they didn't pertain to my major, I took 'survey' courses (similar to this Shortform that you're advertising), which were way easier for me than, say Calculus 101--or if a class was too hard and there was no way I was going to get an A and keep my GPA at _almost_ perfect (darn that literature course I took early on and only got a C!), I'd drop out ... although I had the luxury of doing that because I _worked_ at the college, got all my classes for free, just took them for fun until I'd taken so many I went to a guidance counselor to see if I could make some sort of degree out of them, got my associate's degree, and just kept going until, after 16 years, I ended up with a bachelor's degree shortly before becoming physically disabled. (I also have what I now know to be the common neurodivergent problem--since I also have ADHD--of being hirable but unable to _keep_ a job!) I just enjoy learning new things like you do. I know all the vocabulary, what the equations look like, and have a vague idea that it's all about calculating the area under a curve; I can sign-language interpret calculus classes and often predict what the teacher is going to say next. But I can't actually DO calculus to save my life! So I just don't.
I stick with things I'm good at, like learning languages (but don't compete with others; I figure 'a rising tide lifts all boats'--although I do get frustrated with people who don't make an effort and hold everyone else back). And what I've always thought of as some kind of weird, annoying 'savant' (dis)ability--long before I learned that I'm autistic--that, if I turn the page of a book and there's a typo or misspelling anywhere on the page, my eye will go straight to it--and get stuck there! I'll obsess over it to the point where I can't finish reading the page unless I 'correct' it, and if I find too many, I may actually just quit reading the book altogether! (Grumbling to myself about how 'back in MY day,' this wouldn't be allowed to be published--much less be called a BOOK, ratzafratza...😡😡😡!)
Yet I've 'inexplicably' found that my self-published author friend (i.e., neurotypical person who puts up with my often-annoying weirdnesses) doesn't appreciate my urge to copy-edit her books when I see typos or think of ways she could improve, even _perfect_ them! Yet she has a friend who's an editor whom she happily goes to for feedback and won't share her books with me at all anymore, go figure!🤔 She keeps telling me there are no books without typos, but I know for a fact that there are. (Ever seen a Bible with a typo? How about a dictionary? And I defy you to find one in a Harry Potter book! The American versions published by Scholastic at least. It is do-able--and used to be the norm before self-publishing and the Internet where people can just write any old thing, boring people, rambling on endlessly ...😉) But if I tell her that, it's guaranteed to lead to an argument where she either insists I'm wrong or gets all upset and says she's a terrible writer and may as well just quit!😭 Yet she'll gladly take advice from her professional editor friend. I guess in 'editing school,' if there is such a thing (?), they teach you how to give constructive criticism in a way that the recipient will like it. Or bow to your authority. (I know she often doesn't _like_ her editor friend's suggestions. But she takes them!)
It just drives me personally crazy that, having gone to business school where I majored in word processing, which was actually new back then, back when we were running everything on DOS with a black screen with green or amber writing because they were considered the most ergonomic colors for your eyes--especially if you're autistic; anybody else here who can't stand white backgrounds on your computer or 'device'? Back when anyone actually _cared_ about office ergonomics, which was the topic of one of my term papers there ... if that gives you any idea how OLD I am. And I was really good at it; got the magna cum laude to prove it. But ever since Micro$oft started giving away the inferior 'Word' for free (and put WordPerfect out of business so now they can charge you big $$$ for it), everyone could type letters without knowing how to format them properly and self-publish without knowing the basic concepts of word processing and punctuation that were drilled into us at business school so that I can easily learn ANY word-processing program--uh, I mean 'app'🙄--since they all do the same thing and figure out how that 'app' does it, like tables and spell check (which gives people a false sense of confidence that they don't also need to proofread, grr!) or, even worse, autocorrect, which I ALWAYS disable because it's so often WRONG at reading my mind! (The definition of a 'mailable letter' typed on a typewriter was that it had ZERO errors, including formatting, and no more than THREE corrections, which the teacher could see by holding it up to the light.) And don't get me started on 'smart' quotes that nobody can figure out how to override since there needs to be an 'ending' apostrophe--shaped like a 9, NOT a 6 (!!!)--before a number or word with the beginning cut off, like the year '80 or the word _'tis_ !!! (The workaround is: You type TWO of them in a row and delete the first one!)
I once had aspirations to be a copy editor because I was so good at it, but most publishers and self-publishers and especially newspapers and other online publications are too cheap to be bothered with quality control anymore--everything these days is disposable--so I'm not even sure there _is_ such a job as copy editor or even proofreader anymore! But has the price of books come down accordingly? Of course not! So when I pay good money for a book full of typos (saw my first one in a textbook at college, and textbooks are NOT cheap!!!), it actually makes me angry. And I don't understand why my friend doesn't want to know about a missing comma _before_ she publishes her book, just because I read slower than molasses going up a hill in January--or July for you, in the Snowy Mountains maybe😉--I can't comprehend why _she_ doesn't want her book to be a masterpiece rather than just saying, 'Yay, I made it to 85,000 words. That's good enough. Publish and move on to the next one!' because she's bored with that one and doesn't want to have to keep re-reading it! 'Good enough' isn't in my vocabulary either, lol. But that probably has more to do with how I was raised, which I won't go into, than any innate traits. (I was a hopeless slacker/failure at life until I made the decision myself to go back to college and found out that I actually _could_ get A's!)
For me, re-reading--and improving--my ONE novel I started in high school that's probably never going to get published (at last estimate, it was over 600 pages!) is fun because the reason I wrote it in the first place is that it's the book I want to read, and nobody else was writing it, so I figured, after 25 years of searching without any luck, I'd just have to do it myself. And, of course, as soon as I did, all the books and movies I _would_ have read/watched and enjoyed have 'stolen' my ideas! So if I published it now, it would seem highly derivative of things that it isn't; I came up with them first!😜 So I can't be bothered to say, 'That's good enough,'😬 and just publish it since that's how non-competitive I am.😁
PS: I'm actually trained and really good at captioning, which was what drove me to _finish_ my bachelor's degree. Unfortunately, I was laid off from my last job for being TOO much of a perfectionist, and I'm in too much chronic pain that's flared up by computer use/typing to be prompt/reliable.🙁 But it was my favorite job ever. In case you know anybody who's looking for someone to do TH-cam captioning on occasion--and doesn't need it finished immediately. (Don't get me started on all the 'auto-captioned'--i.e., UN-captioned--videos on here!!! I actually appreciate it when people take the time to caption their TH-cam videos! Starting with punctuation and capitalization! And most people don't speak nearly as clearly as you do, Paul.)
PPS: Haha, I read _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ ages ago. And 'ages' is a long time for me! I guess it didn't stick, did it, Paul? (Okay, I at least remember that people like it when you use their names.)
Im idealistic but i learned to love finding a precise balance between accepting and changing.... and knowing i am a dynamic being meaning change is an essential part part of who i am as a being in this dimension. But we can only try to evolve when we have the resources. i recently realized that i was born with resources that society didnt prepare me for.
3:20 to 3:50 explains why my first wife left me, basically. This is before I had any inkling about being on the spectrum.
What would the most ahead of there time researches about aspergers?
Is asperger different for a single child (no brother or sister)?
Thank you!
Im the voice from the off,sometimes.no group is complete without one.
💜
Will this have influence on the effectiveness of using job interview micro expression analysis software. Like Hirevue?