Autism and Oversharing: How to avoid saying too much! (and regretting it later!)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 มิ.ย. 2024
- Autism and Oversharing: Oversharing is a common trait among autistic people. It can be hard to know how much detail is appropriate. How to avoid saying too much? Maybe you feel you talk too much already? How to stop oversharing? This video shares my number one tip for setting and respecting your own personal boundaries.
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I definitely overshare on a regular basis, and typically I don't even think about it. Part of it is because I feel the need to fully explain every facet and detail of what I'm talking about, for fear that otherwise I'm going to be misunderstood or the person listening to me will get the wrong impression about me and my intents.
Spot on 👍
This is a skill set I need to learn. I am a serial ear killer 🤣🤣🤣
yes, indeed, I know exactly where you are coming from, because I have had the same state of mind.
Yup. I hear this
Totally! And I feel like everyone regular that I write to, bc I mostly try to communicate in writing in order to really explain, thinks I’m a loon, and annoying and up to something, trying to cover something…. When I worked with other artists there was no need for that, I wonder if they were all on the spectrum sometimes bc communication was so EASY. Talking was so uncomplicated. Everyone understood. It’s hard to be an adult in the regular world. As a child I was just written off as shy, and my mother told everyone I was a genius (lol, I’m not). I feel like I’ve burned every bridge from PECO to my pharmacist to my neighbors bc of my communication skills. When my children finish leaving the nest I think I’ll be able to return to my profession in the arts.
Mister, I wonder if you’ve ever known someone with on the spectrum who also suffered a brain injury. I sometimes think that my TBI (from total bleedout and later car accident)
Isn't it ironic how we either say too little or too much!
I think that problem lies in the fact that aspies tend to talk way more about things they themselves like and don't give others the opportunity to talk about things they like. That gets really boring, really fast. Unfortunately that is realised too late. Then we shut up. Then we the are quiet and weird type all of a sudden.
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 This is so true!! Well said.
Most people will always think we’re too little or too much of something, but never the right amount. At least in my experience. :(
Having ADHD as well makes this more real, because sometimes I’m impulsive, loud, and talking too fast, and other times I’m too quiet or even entirely zoned out of the conversation. But engaging moderately or in a way that nobody finds odd, that is very rare.
I give myself permission to respond to a one-line question with three lines in answer... if I can't, I give them some ridiculous bullshit answer that doesn't tell them anything. My favorite example is professional, "So, how'd you get into quality control (manufacturing)?" "Well, to be honest, I'm afraid I stepped in some quality at some point and now I can't get it off of me."
Always. 😂 I've always described myself, within my own relationships, as "hot or cold." I'm either super quiet and fairly surface-level and not very social- or I'm too much, too intense, over sharing, over comparing myself to their situations, etc. I am 50, and I just began suspecting that I'm on the spectrum in my late 40s. You'd think that not talking til nearly 3 yrs old, the hyperlexia and "selective mutism" throughout my childhood, and so many other things would have given myself and my family a hint, but nope... Even after raising 2 of my 3 children who are autistic (and my baby granddaughter who's been diagnosed), and then seeing my 100th percentile genetic risk score for ASD, I was still clueless. 🤔 Anyway, I enjoyed stumbling onto your videos the other day, AMD it's as if you are describing me!!! So wild... Thank you for all of these informative videos. It's been truly enlightening!
I am Hagrid on a regular basis: "I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that."
Lol.
Me too. I didn’t realise it was an Aspie thing...
😂😂😂♥️
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
Snape: You shouldn't have said that.
Voldemort: I just wanted to share a story with this nice couple!
@@matilda5927 I would not mind if someone said to me "How is that relevant?" Some take offence.
My biggest problem with oversharing, especially of things I should keep private, is that, in the moment, it feels intensely liberating in a way that could be described as intoxicating. I know I shouldn't do it, but I'm driven to because I want that delicious rush of total freedom. Then afterward, I'm embarrassed and want to slink off in shame.
completely relate
YES! That describes me!
Yeah I can relate
seconded....
Well said! Me to.
I intend not sharing something but because it's on my mind I end up sharing it. As I'm walking away I get that sickening feeling that I've given away some kind of ammunition against me. If someone seems like they're being nice I'll tell them everything even if I've already decided previously that I don't like or trust them. It makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it.
That’s exactly what you’ve done. Sharing is displaying trust. If you do that unwarranted then the person has ammunition to use against you when they want. You display trusting behaviour when it hasn’t been earned.
💯
Yeah I call it foot in mouth!! I don't intend on it, will even self talk before meeting up! Saying"do not just tell all ,short answers not too much! Cuz nobody cares" then I still let myself down... Thanks
i hate forgetting to dislike/distrust someone just cos they're temporarily being decent human beings..
This makes me laugh, because it's so familiar. I don't feel sickened, just foolish. It's like Lucy with the football--you trust her every time, and get fooled every time. But you can't seem to help it.
I always say stuff and wish I could delete the comment
I can never post a comment without editing it at least 4 times and then ultimately sometimes even deleting it again.
Conversation in my mind:
"Hi, you are stunningly beautiful today"
Me during conversation:
"Hi, those are stunningly beautiful rack"
Also me:
*Aaaahh.....crap!!!!
I delete 80% of my comments
@@hannahschauberger4467 Thank god this was the one in the 20% haha
@@user-xq2fz5tz9t You made me smile. Great exchange in your mind. It says volumes.
My default is the opposite, people think I don’t say enough “very quiet” “painfully shy” always got me into trouble as a kid. So I try to say more....then I’ve done oversharing. I have no idea what the ‘normal’ amount to say is, in any situation.
Don't care about what's normal. Maybe you can learn that it's not a big deal what people know about you. Start with caring about how you feel and not how it is perceived by others.
Is shame a problem? In that case I would suggest doing the opposite and sharing more and learn that you are okay.
Or maybe you start saying things and then stop and people think you finished. Then try to let people know that you need more time to take up space.
My point is that if the problem is being too silent and wanting to participate more in social situations then a bit of oversharing might be a step in the right direction for you. :)
That’s my story too… I went from not talking and looking reclusive to talking too much. That’s asperger… now I know ;-)
Same!!
@@gtechblues Yes, but don't forget to give yourself a pat on your back for taking these steps. At least for me, that was a huge leap forward and I also feel much less ashamed of myself today, I am more confident in social situations and have got more friends.
But I can see your frustration. It often feel hopeless becuase it feels like no matter what we do it is not enough - especially if you realize how much there are that you have to work with. The balance between too musch/too little is a main issue for many of us. And the reasons behind can sometimes be rather complex too, I feel.
The worst thing regarding this for me is when you realize the problem and how people may react and why, but you have an inner struggle with yourself of how to handle such situations. There is of course not one right answer. Not making any afforts to change or doing things differently at all will not result in progress. On the other hand, trying to imitate and be just as neurotypes expect us to be might not be reasonable or healthy for us either. It's hard to crack all these nuts. :)
@@NidusFormicarum That was an almost impossibly perceptive, insightful reply from a stranger! Thank you, thank you. Appreciated.
Sometimes, you over share when the question isn't precise. You don't know what's needed to answer and you end over sharing.
Agree!
Omg THIS THO!!!
Right?? Ill just cast the net and hope I cover it 😂😂
I tried to tell people to make the question more precise and they treat me as either stupid, not wanting to answer because i'm hiding something or just "you are too weird". And if it's the opposite I'm talking too much and go off topic. It's exhausting and makes not want to relate to people that don't already know me and I'm confortable with, for a while.
Being socially awkward, I can, when I feel connected, open up completely...and then feel more awkward after. This makes me withdraw deeper.
I struggle with this and the "help, I am talking and can't shut up" issue as well. So much anxiety surrounding social interactions for me because of these things.
For me, I think it’s the anxiety of social interactions that causes me to talk too much.
@@thouston53 I agree 💯. For me it’s been like an autopilot dumping of words (waaaay too many words 🤣) because of an innate low level of anxiety that I wasn’t even aware of until recently…
Oh my gosh, I do this in interviews & sabotage myself. I just don't know when to stop talking.
Over sharing just plain sucks. I replay it over and over in my head and kick myself with every replay.
Boy has this caused me a lot of problems. Now that I am convinced of my autism I feel much less bad about all the things that I have said that I should have kept to my self. I still accept the responsibility but knowing that it wasn't because I am bad person is really freeing.
Same
This.. I just moved to a different location, and all the neighbors (who are complete strangers) wanted to know my story..
I really had a hard time not ovesharing my situation and such, so I just didnt say much after giving "one sentence" awnsers, which was kinda ankward,
But looking back at it I'm glad I didnt overshare anything.
Strangely, humans are full of contradictions. For they don't want to hear what one has to say or not want one to go into detail, but do so themselves and expect one to listen to them ranting on.
I’m all for a world of over sharing. At times I do regret things I say but it’s who I am.
Don’t change yourselves wonderful people!
@@longjohnsilver7895 You got it way backwards man
A coworker I usually don't talk to asked me how I was doing. And instead of telling her in a short, normal way, I told her about my autism, acute depression, anxiety disorder and my last emotional meltdown. And instead of telling my boss (the BIG boss!) that I was sick, I told him the whole story, too. 😅
That goes so hard. I think it comes from not having proper support in our inner circle. I had no parents or family so I overshare anytime I feel like someone is a friend. It’s chronic and I’m trying my hardest to catch it.
I’m guilty of it too. I am too trusting, and am “a softie”. I am good at interesting conversation, but am not good at small talk. I am too honest. However, I have great people skills, and am good at addressing needs. I have great rapport with people (an Irish trait!).
I overshare and allow myself to be vulnerable without meaning to, which seems to invite others to judgment of my most difficult struggles and trauma. And since I have not processed a lot of trauma with anyone else because of isolation, when I share a story, it often turns into a trauma tale without me realizing it has happened until too late. Sometimes I just make people uncomfortable, sometimes people use the things I have shared to heap the blame for an discomfort or problem onto me. Like because I have pointed out my "baggage," people just throw theirs in with mine and claim to have none. I'm tired of carrying other people's emotional baggage.
I know what you mean. Sharing information about ourselves is used to display vulnerability - you “let someone in” to see a vulnerable side of you and in doing so it facilitates your social interaction. The difficulty is in knowing when to use this. I end up being very guarded and sharing nothing with anyone until the right moment, but when is that? As usual it is very nuanced, but a rule of thumb is to wait it out as long as possible, even let / get the other person share first if you can because that means they trust you. Sharing is a display of trust. If you show that where it is unwarranted then the other person will (usually) try to use that against you (in my experience / opinion). It’s a bitch, but that’s how humans interact. Don’t display trust (sharing) before it is earned or risk being bitten. If that makes sense.
Same.
@deaf cassette this may be an accurate life observation. It is not the world I want to live in.
@@jenniferreisch478
Don’t beat yourself up.
Forget about the past mistakes (I’ve got thousands) they’re gone.
Be strong and start anew
And simply take Paul’s advice- pause.
Blessings to you. 🌅
@@HisAmbassador7 Something I am finally grasping, and recently found strength to start up a new business, 2017-2020 have been hell for me. Depression, a break-up that left me homeless (my stuff literally dumped on the curb in heavy rain), I was totally broken. At the time, I could not care less what happened to me. Totally lost. I turn 50 on june 14th. The debts i made during that period are something I am still dealing with and will be till I die probably. Nice world.
Paul: If you want to share your stories about oversharing...
Me: Aha! It's a trick question! Can't fool me!
Also me: Well, you see, it all started with my first words...
My brother was clever, he only started talking at daycare age 3...In full sentences 😉
Lol 😄👌
💀💀💀
You should always begin with a sly smile and a rhetorical question, "Be careful what you ask me... There are people who're after that information, DANGEROUS PEOPLE."
@@captainmaim Agree.
I deleted all my social media for this very reason lol
Same
Bro me tooooo ppl say social media is a highlight reel, NOT MINNEEE that shit is blunt and sad and raw as fuck 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Now I am starting to wonder if it's a common thing to do among us autistic-Aspie people; because I felt the need to do that over a year ago! I got tired of random people bothering me, and got tired of the fact that anyone in the whole world can have access to me. Is it recommended to just disappear suddenly? Probably not. It would be best to post a status letting people know that you are leaving social media. Unless of course, you don't want hundreds of people messaging you and giving you their phone number (which you may as well stay on social media then). I feel like 95% of people in my life don't understand why I ditched social media, but I'm okay with that. Been happier ever since, mot being exposed to so much negative garbage on my newsfeed.
I never started on social media for this reason. It’s the only way to keep me from spinning out from it. TH-cam comments are bad enough. Lol
Over sharing can also be a reaction to the feeling that you are just not connecting or getting through to the NT, which is usually painfully obvious so you go bigger. Anything for a reaction. So often ignored or brushed aside as an Aspire.
So much this. If i don’t have any connection with the other person or we just talk about small talk and exchange platitudes there is zero connection and absolutely no point. That said, I do think if I had more people to be myself around and share important and interesting things with, I wouldn’t end up trying to make friends with the wrong people for the sake of having any connection with people at all.
That was very helpful. “just stop and pause, and not feel obligated to to tell everything.” Thanks so much.
Oh my gosh I have this problem all the time. I really have got to stop. Sometimes it produces amazing moments everyone appreciates, other times people are shocked 😳 😬😁💁
facts man
Be yourself... But just learn to walk away fast from those you can't trust. Reading bad vibes is a must for us.
@@RM-fs8ub after walking away from those you can’t trust, is there anyone left?
@@calebray4168
No, there isn't. That is when you learn to stop oversharing naturally I think.
Nothing like confessing to a murder in front of a group of strangers because someone asked "what have you been up to today?"
Don't worry btw, I didn't do anything, I just thought it would be a funny extreme
Thank you for making this video. Oversharing is one of the things that makes me feel like I'm not an adult. And just until now, I didn't know that it was something autistic people did. You've lifted a little bit of shame off my shoulders. Thank you 🙂 🙏🏼
God I feel that. I thought there was something wrong with me... we just want to make sure people understand, I think.
@@AoiLucine Exactly!
I don't believe I'm autistic but this happened to me yesterday with my mom and I opened so much about myself that she ended up thinking I had a lot going on, like " poor girl, you need help". And just like you said, this things don't make me feel like an adult and I think that can have a huge impact on the people you talk to, just because you had this huge moment of openness
Wow! Me too! I felt like less of an adult whenever I was called out for oversharing, which often happened throughout my life as an autistic person. Since I have had many betrayal incidents, I am more careful about what I share with whom.
Ditto
I honestly wish that everyone would share more... I think it would destigmatize our shared human experiences more. I think being patient and learning how to really listen to someone without judgement is a HUGE need in our society. I am trying to accept my "over sharing" self and just see it as it is... Most of the "problems" oversharing has caused me, like losing friends or jobs... have really just been moments when I have been redirected to a more authentic social group or work setting where I can be more myself.
THANK YOU!! This is exactly it.
Why are people so quick to judge others. Okay, so you don’t share your experiences… I do!! Why is that so bad. It boggles my mind what people are okay with knowing about celebrities, reality tv stars, athletes but don’t want to know about their neighbor.
Wtf?!! This is why the neighbor is always like he was a good guy always mowed his lawn and waved at me.
(He’s been killing people and burying them in her backyard for 20 yrs.) lol
Here I go with an overshare. Hahahhahaj
I think there's also an issue with predatory behaviour. Not everyone deserves to hear everything, because they may not be deserving of the intimacy -- intimacy intended or not.
So, I hear your point, but i think there are additional points to consider in our unfortunately very unforgiving world.
Thanks to my oversharing many people overshare with me and I always hear beautiful human stories wherever I go
Thank you. I was feeling really guilty about some rough over sharing from the past. But using my brain to think about it, it doesn’t bother me when others do it. I have a lot of compassion and empathy
I think that people not sharing and hiding is just as much if not more of an issue. Why are autistic traits seen as the problem? Being authentic and honest is an awesome quality that builds trusting relationships where you feel seen and safe. Having superficial interactions and not saying how you really feel cause emotional isolation and disconnection.
I'm usually very quiet and anxious around new people, which probably has saved me from many moments of oversharing. However, if I feel comfortable being around a person, or a group of people, I go into babble mode, and talk way too much, and probably overshare a lot.
I once met the mother of a friend of mine in a grocery store, and I was going through a very stressful time. She casually greeted me and asked how I was doing, and looked so kind while asking, that I told her everything about my parents being on a holiday, about how I had to send my grandma into hospital because I was in charge of taking care of her while my mom was away...I almost started crying right there, in the grocery store. I know it was a lot to spill on an aquaintance who was there just to buy groceries, and just wanted to be friendly. She was very kind and understanding, which was fortunate, but I was mortified afterwards. And I recently met her again, and splurted out everything in my life again. I'll definately try this pause thlng next time I see her.
some of my daughters friends referred to me as their other mother, and I referred to them as my other daughters.I even got mothers day cards from them one year. So maybe you spent time at her house when you were with your friend and maybe you trust her because you got to know her a bit. I had one of my daughters friends tell me VERY intimate things that she hadn't even shared with her own mother. Sounds like you need a good listener to talk to. And when my daughter was getting herself into trouble some of her friends contacted me to alert me to the situation. So I'm grateful for the relationships I had with these young people
I also went on school field trips with my kids and years later I'd get kids coming up to me at the mall or somewhere asking "Do you remember me? I was in your group on the 6th grade trip to the zoo"? And of course they've grown up and changed, but they remembered me, and fondly or they wouldn't have come up to me, right? I'm happy I was able to make a positive difference in a lot of children's lives, not just my own.
For me, I tend to overshare because I feel that I am not understood enough and need to add context to what I'm saying to make it more understandable. My trouble come from the fact that I find it hard to resume in short sentence my idea and tend to think every tidbit "is a must" to the whole picture.
Oh my God, you just said what I feel. Thank you
Speaking of over-sharing, I was about to impulsively share this on Facebook even though I haven't told many people about my condition and still think it would be beneficial to keep it hidden. I can totally relate to the story though. I often give what I consider to be a comprehensive answer to a question (especially one about myself) to try to make sure the person asking isn't missing any relevant information pertaining to their question, but I don't really consider if their goal in asking the question would be the same as mine in answering it.
I have to appreciate the irony of you having almost overshared the video about oversharing
This is the only account I use for any social media-esque purpose. It saves me a lot of grief that way. And the fact that for me, any communication that isn't face-to-face doesn't seem real. That includes phone calls with my family, so it's really fun when they call after 3 months but I don't feel like anything was wrong
Oh this reminds me, I need to go delete something I (over)shared on my feed this morning!
why would it be beneficial to keep hidden? I could see how if a person is a business person they couldn't reveal that vulnerability. I often think it would be good if people know as an excuse I could use like if I could just write a sign on my jacket that says I'm not weird, I just have autism. When I was in my early teens I pretended I was a drug addict so people had an excuse for my bizarre behaviour. People need an explanation. I can't seem to get my neighbour's face memorized. These masks are throwing off my abilities. her face seems to change and I think I ignore her if I see her around and I think she thinks I'ma terrible snob. I don't know if it was her. I talked to what I thought was a stranger once and it turned out to be her because she walked into her driveway. If she knew I was autistic she would understand and let me draw her even maybe. i would have her face forever if so. i think she thinks I must be a jerk.
I think people think I'm wasted sometimes or just weird but if they knew I had a legit condition they would be okay because they understand. People need to apply labels and they're satisfied if the label is there.
There are even people that intentionally make friends with autistic people. Admittedly a small minority. We can be really interesting.
Took the words straight out of my mouth.
This is a very interesting topic for me. I do struggle greatly with knowing how much to share. When I was a kid, my parents used to tell me that I shared too much. "You probably shouldn’t be telling me that" was a phrase I heard on a number of occasions. It was hurtful to me because I didn’t know what was appropriate to share and what wasn’t, so it made me feel like my parents just weren’t interested in what I wanted to share. That has led to a lifetime of often not sharing anything. People will tell me that I’m impossible to get to know because I never let anyone know what I’m thinking or feeling.
On the other hand, I will often share way too much with people I trust. Someone will ask how I’m doing and I’ll give them a full medical history, like I’m at the doctor’s office. Not too long ago, a friend told me that her cat died. Instead of responding with, "oh, that’s awful. I’m so sorry," I started talking about what I’d read about average lifespans for different breeds of cats and how it’s rare for a cat to live to be older than 20. That sort of thing. I did stop myself after a few minutes, but later on I was utterly horrified by my reaction.
I’m very glad you made this video; it has definitely given me some things to think about. This is something I struggle with when talking to my psychotherapist, because he either has to try to get me to open up and talk more about something or stop me from that sort of stream-of-consciousness rambling oversharing. I have a really hard time finding that middle ground.
People used to tell me that I'm quiet, they want to know what I'm thinking or feeling. Big mistake. Ruins everything, because when you talk about how you love some architecture or some life experiences, people start attacking you for having the wrong values. I have to train myself to never share anything, maybe with cue cards. Be presentable, polite, and keep my feelings to myself.
Sometimes I feel like I don't really understand the appropriate level of detail. I do this sometimes at work when working on problems too. Like I'm replying with detail at a 1000' level because that's where my mind is at at the moment, but the expectation was a reply at 30000' level instead. Its the same at my job sometimes when I'm trying to troubleshoot a problem. I should be looking at it at a less detailed level, and I get bogged down in details in one area instead of looking at the big picture first.
I struggle with that at work too...
@ Ram,
There is an old saying:. "The devil is in the details." Sometimes the solution *is* complicated but people don't want to hear it.
It probably is good to pair down your analysis, but not before you've done the details. It's a good exercise in communication to work at pairing down the details, but that doesn't mean you're wrong to analyze at the 1000 foot level (or maybe even get right down to 1foot). Someone has to understand the details, even if no one else wants to hear them.
What I'm struggling to say is that you may have your own challenges with communication but that doesn't mean you are always wrong. Just as we hope others will understand our issues we must also be accepting of theirs -- even if they are unaware of them.
Very very helpful. Oversharing comes in my opinion from loneliness.
I think somewhat.. loneliness makes it worse for me, so then when I am around someone ALL the words come out. Some of us are also natural over sharers. I have realized this and I’ve worked hard to learn to shut up..lol. Especially around certain people. Then people wonder why I’m so quiet.. can’t seem to find the right balance. I have to super focus before a phone call, or social situation and remind myself to keep it brief and smile.
It's okay to feel lonely. I do a lot as well and I like to constantly call people on my phone and speak to them. I think it is important in these moments to always consider the other person as well and what they may be going through and what is important to them. Finding common ground or asking questions about things specific to them has always helped me connect deeper and get more from conversations with others. When people feel valued they tend to ask more about you and want to know more too. If you can find areas you can relate to others it can be useful, if not ask them questions and softly show interest in their answers and they will gradually warm up to you - at least the kind hearted ones will! :) You are not alone
A couple of times I've had the experience where someone used my over shared story as something to humiliate me with later. It didn't happen a lot but when it did, it was profoundly chilling.
This is so helpful. I too feel obliged to answer a question and be totally honest in my answer. I embarass myself a lot. Giving a short answer first to test the water ..and allow a pause to assess the situation is a great idea. Also seeing it as a healthy boundary to not give away too much to the wrong person is a great way of looking at it. I think I am being authentic by actually telling my whole story..but to change my understanding of being my authentic self to being someone who knows that I have a choice of how to answer..that is a light bulb moment. To warn someone that I might be passionate on a certain topic and give them permission to stop me is also a great idea. Thanks Paul . A great topic!
Most aspies need some time to formulate an answer. A live interview is possibly the WORST predicament aspies can be in. But it is manageable with lots of practise. Elon Musk is a PRIME example. Although he is estimated to have an IQ of 155, on par with Albert Einstein.
Agreed and Ditto. Have scared so many people with my "enthusiastic" answers. Just wish I'd had this information 50 years ago. And as Paul Michael says, the best answers come after I have had time to formulate them.
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 a lot of us have high IQ, not just Elon hahaha
@@outdoorlovecookinggf4646 You know I did not mean it that way, lol. Going self-employed when I was 33 sure helped in developing my communication skills. Sometimes you just need to just take that dive in the deep end and learn to swim as you go.
I feel this too. Must give a completely honest and thorough answer when asked a question. Whether people wanted it or not. For example.. "how are you?" "Well.. I stubbed my toe this morning... Blah blah blah blah" when "Fine!" is the answer most people are looking for. 😂
Ah hell. Watching this made me realize that the exact advice you gave is what I landed-on as my solution. It was so, so hard to figure this out and reign it all in. I was really naive, thinking that being so open and honest was a good thing. Most people don’t care, but some are horribly manipulative, and that can bring one a lot of pain.
I either don’t say a word or over share and can’t stop the ramble lol so this is helpful
Ugh, feeling is real!!
Because most of the time I'd rather not answer at all, I try to give very vague answers... but I'm bad at it which means people question me more and before realizing it I end up saying some things I'd actually rather keep to myself. I need to get better at simply saying "I'd rather not talk about this, sorry"
I also struggle to prioritize information in a way that makes sense in a casual discussion, because the detail that has the biggest importance to me is rarely the information that allows people to understand the big picture, but it's the one that so fiercely wants to come out of my mouth everytime.
5 min into the video: this is the most basic advice ever
10 min: i should probably listen to the end
By the end: let's play it again but this time i take notes
Thanks for being there.
You call it oversharing, I call it letting things fall out of my mouth! Sometimes they fly, sometimes they land with a splat! Great video!! Hugs from Ann Arbor
Can I steal your name?
Can I steal your name?
Ayyyyy fellow A2 Aspie
@@simonj3413 Ya, we could be the AAAs, or the A3
@@pizzaface117 you can be Bitchfork Junior with my blessing
I once shared about my stillborn child to a fellow candidate and a job interview. I do like the warning I can talk your ear off. I have found my self doing that when colleagues ask me about my special interest coffee because I brew with an aeropress at work.
I hate it when I say to my self I am not going to tell them this. then end up saying it eventually then realising why did I not listen to my self, it goes with my mood I can go from being really happy to pead off,
Sometimes I realise what I've said (And trust me I've had a few real bad spells in this) and knowing things have been ruined once again with little hope of redemption, I am sometimes nearly capable of running my head into a concrete wall. Thinking that might knock some sense into me. Since I know I am on the spectrum, a lot of things in my past have finally fallen into place. That's a relief.
Over sharing has been a reoccurring issue for my in all kinds of relationships. I just don't talk to people anymore.
Oversharing is one of my most prominent autistic traits (most noticable byother people) and whilst I whole-heartedly agree with the aspects of discomfort and awkwardness it creates and the importance of protecting myself and my story I would also say that the people in my life who I call my best friends have been the ones who were able to "handle" my tendency to overshare. Fantastic video, thank you, I found it really helpful
I realized this with the grumbles behind me 10 minutes in to my odd colonoscopy story with the gas station clerk🤔
Thank you for this most excellent video. Over sharing is a real problem for me and I always end up leaving myself feeling really vulnerable and open to more criticism and judgement from others which is then really emotionally triggering and dysregulating.
I am so bad with this, especially in the comments section on social media sites. I'll write a mini novel replying to the video/post, but end up just deleting the post. No wonder I became a writer 😄
Haha, I do exactly the same. Actually, I find it quite therapeutic to write it all down then not share it to the world. Writing my diary has that effect too, but doing it on comments seems to be more immediate and satisfying. Also safer, lol. And, it's easier than trying to edit and pare it down for public consumption! ;)
I do when I enjoy someone else's company alot. I am working on getting better at pausing. Otherwise, I am the complete opposite around everyone else,kind of mute and keeping everything to myself.
Agree - when there seems a level of comfort it comes out even more
I will try to implement this going forward. I have a real problem with this. I have angered my wife several times by over sharing personal details with others. Usually while she is present. My solution has been to try to not share anything of a personal or emotional nature with others. This doesn’t really work as people then accuse me of being “walled off”. I would really like to find a balance. When people ask me things that I am passionate about I just want to share that with them. I want them to understand and appreciate things the way I do. I don’t really pick up on subtle clues so I never really know when it’s just too much. Thanks for the video, it’s something that I really need help with.
Another great topic would be how to not say things that pop into my head in a conversation that are totally inappropriate. I have a real issue with being the guy who always says the unspoken truths. I often say things without regards to how it makes people feel. It’s not until the stuff comes out of my mouth and I get blank stares that I understand how dumb it was to say that. What seems ok in my head sometimes really hurts the feelings of others.
Completely relate
I totally understand you, I'm very much the same. Having to constantly police our conversations on top of everything else makes me realise why I prefer my own company. I get to say whatever I want to myself and it's always taken as constructive input.
We should be able to just be honest. I don’t understand why honesty is so offensive to people. I have this issue also
@@joanna3578 Normies don’t want honesty. They want the facade of everyone’s front. They say that they care about people, but really they don’t. They want the personal interaction without any of the issues. When you’re honest and give details you overload them. They just wanted the typical nonsensical response of pleasantries.
I say things others are thinking pretty often, but I take responsibility for it. It's an aggressive act, but it does clear the air. It's hard enough figuring out what's going on without having all these undiscussed undercurrents. I've been doing this all my life, and I can't say it makes me very popular. But I don't think it's part of my Aspergers. The Aspergers is the confusion that makes me demand more clarity.
I agree that it can be very tricky to know what is an appropriate amount to share. Recently, I found myself in a professional setting at a developmental disability center where they treat people with autism spectrum disorders.. Normally I under-share my story about Aspergers, but in this case I was surprised that I was able to share my story in great detail. It has been a very emotional experience for me to do so and I'm bringing back long repressed memories. It has been cathartic, and the professionsals whom I've been speaking with have said that hearing it means so much to them and needs to be heard by many others. Of course, I wouldn't normally share this with everyone, but if people benefit in hearing it, something has been accomplished.
I feel this... Many times when I overstep and over share, it's done in hopes someone else might be able to benefit and/or it opens the conversation for deeper topics. Sometimes it's because I have a deep desire to feel understood, and by holding back certain bits it feels like they won't be able to. This is honestly an area that's difficult for me... But I usually don't regret what I've said about myself, it's more when it's involving others because I don't really know how comfortable they would be with others knowing ... But at times it's like if people understood that about them, I think that it would make it easier to be more compassionate and understanding about them. It's such a slippery slope. *sigh*
@@t3hsis324 Thanks for your reply. You are correct in thinking that it can be dangerous to share information when there are third parties involved. I'm very careful about how far to go in sharing information whe I have any doubt if there could be something negative come out of the exchange.
I really hate how people ask these questions but don't really want to hear truthful answers.
That's my struggle. That people really don't care. Then why ask in the first place?!!!
I have had work and school experiences where there is enormous pressure to fully explain what you've done, under pain of some degree of punishment for not doing so. So there is a bleed over into your personal life, of having learned that that is what is expected of you. It's effectively over-compensating for a lack of communication signals and general social anxiety. I think you (Paul) spoke of doing a huge amount of preparation for a work project, and I have a similar habit, borne of writing project specifications where I need to present a design, but have thought through a huge number of requirements and corner cases.
Your advice of "pausing" is good in informal conversations or even meetings with your manager at work, but it does remind me of having to deal with situations at school where a teacher would greet my initial brief response with an angry glare that can be hard to read. Is it "I need more information" or "shut up, I really don't want to hear your explanation/excuses".
How tremendously uncomfortable it's been for me to watch this. I'm a 57 year old female that's just realised she's on the spectrum. It's a shock to say the least.
I still know very little about autism but your vlogs are being very helpful. I was avoiding this subject as it's a massive problem for me and even facing it causes me high levels of anxiety.
I can spend weeks, months or even years thinking about things I've said that I didn't want to and it's extremely debilitating emotionally.
I finally forced myself to listen to the subject and I can't thank you enough for your tips. I think this is going to be a long journey of self discovery for me and the worst thing is having to face it on my own. I dare not tell my family at the moment as they know very little to nothing about it and still considering telling my partner as he knows even less. So thank you for your channel as I know that I'm not totally alone in this. 💜
Every person in the world is thinking like that about the embarrassing things they've said / done. They aren't thinking about what you've done their own self is much more "important" to them in that regard. Think about when someone has said something kinda weird to you, you might think of it for a sec and move on, but you don't really care & you wouldn't want them to feel horrible for it and overthink themselves to death about it. We are all our own worst enemy
I struggle with the same issues and it makes me bit want to talk to anyone
I hope you’re doing well 2 years later. I feel this way right now. I hate this part of me. I pretty much black out when it happens. I am having such a hard time with it and I hate myself for it.
I get so happy that someone is showing any level of interest, I think if I share (a lot) it will demonstrate I really like talking to them. I think I have confused being genuine for over sharing forever. I end up realizing I have over shared then abruptly stopping in an "oh shit" moment, losing my train of thought and then we both feel awkward and I'm embarrassed.
oh yes, oversharing to try and be liked due to low self-esteem has been a major issue for me.
Confusing being genuine and oversharing makes a lot of sense to me.
I really struggle with this, and one thing which always throws me is how many "small talk" questions *seem* to be inviting you to share, but actually aren't. "How did you meet your partner" is an excellent example of that. To me, that's something you would only ask if you were genuinely interested in the answer. It's a personal question, about a topic which is rarely straightforward, so obviously it must be asking for a story. To respond to that with a one sentence answer feels rude. There are so many others: what are you up to today? Where are you from? Did you enjoy [recent activity]? And of course the dreaded "How are you?". NT casual conversation is like a minefield of trick questions, how do people find it enjoyable and relaxing??
Absolutely! I could have written your exact comment myself .
I believe these questions fall under "social niceties" category. But also depending on the context (where the meeting is taking place) sometimes people are testing the water to figure out the personality. It helps to have a "ready made" repertoire of one line answers to these common questions - prepared & rehearsed beforehand so they don't catch you off guard.
Can’t wait for this video...this is def an area I struggle with! 🤦
Be honest, but also sparing, is what I get. Sounds good.
Now to figure out how to not lie (or feel like a liar) while being sparing.
In other words: Never does something take me so long, as when I try to put it into a short form.
Another very good video. It is all or nothing with me. I either say nothing or never know when to shut up. I think it is hard to find the right balance for many of us autistics.
Same here mark
I feel a similar way. I have tried to explain it as, “For me to even talk to other people, I have to shut off all of the parts of my brain that are screaming ‘Don’t talk to anyone!’ And once I have turned off those “limiters”… all bets are off and who knows what will come out of my mouth. Once the guardrails are down it gets wacky. But, if I didn’t turn off the speech limiters, I wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone other than myself or inanimate objects.
Thank you so much! I've just spent the last few days drowning in regret from having overshared. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you for the strategies.
This is my main issue with dating, making new friends and friendship groups. I can do small talk and also deep and meaningful conversations with people I gel with. It's that awkward 'middle talk' when we are moving from acquaintances to friends, and I have no idea if what I'm going to say about my story will be of any interest to them, or they will react well to them. And I seem to have no other tool to know that until I put the story out there and then try and read the reaction (which I'm also not very good at!). This was really helpful!
I feel that too, And I don't understand why these so called normies put all the burden on us. But when they need something tech fixed or need someone trustworthy, conscientious, with attention to the real details, again the burden is on us. While they run around like immature spoiled children causing all kinds of problems without a care in the world, because they have been told (by whom exactly) that they are the normal ones (and therefore we are abnormal.) Something is very wrong with our society.
Oh yes me too! That transition from casual aquaintances to closer friends is so hard for me
The problem I have is lack of self awareness, so in situations where I’m probably over sharing I don’t realise a lot of times until much later
Asking yourself "Have they earned the right to hear your story" is a absolutely fantastic way to offset any shame that accompanies this tendency, and to honour your story, as he says. Inquiries, asking for clarification -- those earn our stories lol but also this video reminds us we're not being focused on the needs of the other person -- the relationship - sometimes when we overshare..
My mother often shared overly personal information. Now I am trying to unlearn this behavior. I am doing better but I still slip into it sometimes. Sometimes I can catch myself and stop sharing. Sometimes I am just embarrassed in hindsight.
I overshared with you last time I left a comment Paul, ie the music stuff :-)
I didn't realise this was Aspergers stuff, but it all adds up, with the one sided verbosity. Very interesting and illuminating. I really shouldn't have said D was a cow :-) But I say any f. thing :-)
And ofcourse one may regret, especially if the person is working behing a supermarket counter, an acquaintance. One may avoid them next time. Also, and this is really important, if the acquaintance is a psychic vampire, the last thing someone should do is be overly self disclosing. They wait 6 months then start turning the screw.
So, inappropriate self disclosure, one sided verbosity, and a disinterest in small talk, oh dear. I'm in the club, and have just said far too much.
Thanks Paul anyway, a tremendous talk.
I am horrible at this. I over explain and over share everything to answer a question. Glad I found this video
I have very little grasp on what is socially innappropriate, I think social taboos are often stupid and damaging. People can talk to me about whatever they want and I won't judge as long as no one is getting hurt. I have had massive problems in the past with over sharing but it shows you very quickly who your friends are and who you can't trust. I sometimes accidentally overshare by tuning in to what is making people sad through my observations of their behaviour. That one can have unpredictable outcomes - usually a big emotional response from the other person....that's one I'd like to stop doing! Now I try to tell myself that their pain is none of my business!
Thank you for this video, that is good info! I have the complementary problem of not oversharing myself, but of encouraging others to overshare with me, without even being interested or wanting to hear it, without even having time and energy to listen for so long.
Oh gosh, me too... Like I'm a giant ear labelled 'tell me everything'... As with the oversharing, I think it's nervousness for me and anxiety around people. It's 'safe' when they do all the talking and I just listen.
Oh yes... I have been known to massively overshare from time to time...
I love that I've just watched this video before I go to a gathering with lots of people. Let's apply that pause 🙏🙃
I hope you had a good time :)
I went from being practically mute from kindergarten until I graduated high school to being an oversharer. It's something I'm working on, so thank you for this video!
I'm so anxious about oversharing that I feel like I've created for myself the opposite problem: I'm extremely guarded and "quiet" and averse to joining in conversations and when I say something I sometimes overanalyze it and become terribly afraid I've done something wrong. In the past year or two I've made some really sweet, accepting friends and opened up a lot to them but I still get these flashes of anxiety after I've had a social interaction I'm really happy with where I'm thinking "was I monopolizing the conversation and making it all about me, was I being weird?" Just because I'm so used to being quiet and mute and opening up to people is so irregular to me that it feels like I'm doing something wrong and uncomfortable when I do say what's actually on my mind.
It's like a tightrope walk of opening up to people but not so much that I don't jeopardize these friendships I value so so much. One of them is literally autistic so I don't know why I'm so worried but I can't get over the anxiety.
That was very helpful. “just stop and pause, and not feel obligated to to tell everything.”Thanks so much.!
I used to overshare as someone with autism. But now, I'm learning slowly not to and only give the info I need to ppl.
God I wish I had had this instruction as a teenager AND it's useful to me now as an adult. I'm going to watch this on a regular basis to keep it top of mind. Thank you!
@R G S - Do you often write to God via TH-cam Comments?
Oh, my! It has taken me many, many years to begin to get a handle on this. And it is still hard to tell how to answer - well, I can't really just "tell!" Have to operate by thinking first - but it is so difficult to stay on the task that way instead of being overwhelmed. Answers like, "I'm fine," seem to be "play acting." It is also difficult because it is hard to not think everyone who ever smiled is anything besides a best friend forever... Ruined way too many relationships this way. Thanks, as always for what you are doing! It helps many of us to relax and breath! "Pause" is such a great word. It has been the right technique, often. And, now I'm doing it with the keyboard!!!
I do this and usually regret it later. I always seem to misstep although at the time it seems perfectly reasonable to share what I share. What a confusing world ... The longer I live the more I want to isolate save a few people I trust and love.
I wasn't very tuned in on the fact that oversharing might be a special problem for people on the autism spectrum, but after having seen your video, it makes so much sense. I think, I'm on the spectrum, and I have had so many experiences of oversharing. A couple of times with the result that the other person cut off contact because it was apparently too much to deal with and inappropriate for that relationship. Finding the right balance with regards to what and how much to say in general conversations is a constant struggle. Also, I liked the references to Brené Brown.
It’s nice to hear a word that describes a struggle I’ve had as long as I can remember. I constantly think to my self, “keep this to yourself.” But when asked a pointed question, I will give more information and make the person mad. Then I think “don’t ask me if you don’t want to hear the answer.”
For me I feel like oversharing is like tied with not lying and telling the truth. "Oh, of course they'd want to know every little detail. The more detailed, the better. I'd want to know all of it, so why wouldn't they? Isn't that what they're asking for? it's a morally good thing to give them what they want (even though that's not what most people want or mean when they ask a simple question)"
Thank you for this ❤️ I overshare way to much and it's really embarrassing.
I’m normally avoidant but I noticed when I’m stressed or very isolated I can sometimes overshare which is new to me and kinda terrifying.
I used to play "20 real questions" with people I hardly knew🤣😩😩 this is helpful 🙈
For me it's a semi-conscious choice. I'm what you may call very 'verbose' and I like being open and giving as much detail as possible. It also acts as a memory trainer where I have the opportunity to recall minute details and piece together a string of events in a specific order.
I’ve never heard the word Oversharing before but instantly knew what was meant… oh gosh… all those moments of “why the hell did i tell all that to that person?!”… all those moments of total awkwardness… thank you for giving it a word!
That was very helpful. Thank you Paul.
All my life I have had that feeling of regret oversharing personal stuff…
I have scared a lot of people and friends away with my openness, only because I thought that was how you made friends, by sharing out of myself. I get embarrassed when I think about it.
I will from now on remembering to pause, pause and pause
I just completely blew a job interview because of oversharing. The rest of the interview went well but they asked this one question that just made me start rambling about my life story to the point now where even if they offered me the job I wouldn’t want to take it because I don’t feel comfortable with my prospective boss knowing something so personal. It’s such a hugely important thing that can be hard for me to get a hold of but this video has helped massively. I’ll take it as a learning experience.
Thank you so much for sharing this, I've had this problem all my life and still do. It seems like others also get upset if whether you share too much or not enough. Same with talking. They say you talk too much or not enough. It's like being a glass house. A Turtle with a cracked shell that never heals 🐢💔😫😵😖😓
Oh boy! You are helping me to open my eyes! Over 40 years of my life I couldn't understand what am I doing wrong, that people turn away from me 🤷🏻♀️ I've been even abused and not accepted by my own family 😔
i appreciate that you've stressed being choosy about who we deep-dive with our stories. thank you!!
Yes, I have always overshared. And yes, it has caused problems, but I never saw my oversharing as the problem. I thought people who wouldn't listen to the answer after asking a question were rude. I thought everyone who was friendly shared like I did. This is the first time I have ever understood the situation this way. I really like the idea of giving a brief answer and then waiting for the other person to ask further questions. That's brilliant. Many people have done that to me. They are willing to tell me more, but they start out with a brief answer until I ask further questions. This is an obvious way to find out if you are talking to a person with the time and interest. And if they don't have either the time or the interest, it certainly does not mean they are an unfriendly person. Another example of how my attitude has lead to a situation where I think the other person is being offensive and then I become belligerent.
Thank you for this very important video! The phrase "earned the right to hear our story" is going to be life changing. Yours in Gratitude
Oh my god , I do that soooo much. I never realized it was a part of my aspie condition. Everything you said is exactly me to the smallest detail. Thanks so much for shedding light on this aspect of Aperger’s. This video is invaluable.
Thank you for flowcharts!
I just made the same mistake again, and now im dealing with the fallout. Being able to break down what happened in an abstract way has really helped me find what to focus on. Essentially I realized that my executive functioning deficiencies in cognitive flexibility has led me to make the same mistakes. Autism’s strength for me being in the area of problem solving and building systems, I am now understanding the importance of habits and more specifically for my current problem - protective rituals. It’s work in progress, but thanks for your help providing tools that lead to meaningful improvements in people’s lives.
These autism communication videos are the best videos I have listened to yet! Thank you! Finally someone understands and has answers!
I’ve been really upset for a while that I didn’t have an instruction booklet for life, but with these vids, I’ve got one now👌👌 thank you so much
This really resonates with me...and now I'm going to pause and try not to overshare, lol. That's a great idea, by the way. I always have this feeling of immediacy, that others will get impatient with me if I don't answer straight away, but pausing gives you that valuable time you need. Another thing is, that I have this yearning to make myself clear and be totally honest, so I tend to over explain myself. I'm trying to teach myself to be able to say that I'm not comfortable with sharing something or that "it's too long a story". It's difficult, though, as I also get pleased that someone shows an interest in me, but I have recently learnt to just say "I'm fine" when someone asks how I am instead of telling them all about my health problems, lol. :)
Ohh, I feel that!
The more I watch your videos and relate to them, the more I suspect I'm on the spectrum. Many of these behaviors are pervasive both throughout my day and throughout my life. But I'm an expert at "operating off the script", so I think it keeps getting missed by my therapists. They just chalk up these behaviors to my anxiety, or other issues. This could very well be the source of my anxiety and other issues.
Great video , yes I over share ! I can hear myself just talking and talking . It's a stress reliever for me , because if I bottle everything up I get anxiety but it certainly will not make for good conversation and makes people uncomfortable . I will try this technique , it should be helpful to see first if people are actually interested :)
Yes. Overshare. No filter. Pausing is a great idea... if i can remember to do it. Thank you
I've done this all my life. Once I get permission to be heard, I turn on the tap and it all rushes out. Definitely too much, and too enthusiastic. Luckily, I still maintain content control, so I self-censor the stuff that could have repercussions. Even so, the volume turns people off. Right now, I'm just trying to be more aware of it.
Keep it up mate. It comes with practice and constant feedback from how people respond. We all go over the top sometimes. Sometimes observing people's facial expressions as a feedback loop is helpful to know how much to say or when to stop. If their face changes distinctly from when the conversation first started, or the question was asked, try ending your stanza of the conversation and returning it with a question back to them such as "what about you?". It can really be helpful. At the end of the day people want to feel apart of the conversation and connection as well so involving them directly with your words really helps facilitate that. :)
My question is, why should I have to filter WHO I AM just to please others? I’m just like you-highly enthusiastic and would probably be classified as being “too much”. Why is the message always given to us autists that we are the ones who must modulate our behavior to please others? How amazing would it be to just be able to fucking be myself for once without fear?
@@kconrad5893 If the other person doesn't enjoy the conversation, they are going to walk away. And they aren't going to enjoy it if you talk so much, and without interruption, that they can't get a word in edgewise. It's not a matter of fairness. It's more about learning how to create enjoyable conversations. It's a skill everyone has to learn. We just have a harder time of it. I think part of it is not paying enough attention to the other person's facial reactions, or not being able to gauge them very well.
Thank you for your insightful videos! They really help me 💕
Thank you for this ❤️ I tend to overshare too much with clients and I always regret it and cringe so much afterwards
This is me completely yes! I've got both ADHD and CPTSD diagnoses and this is very much a struggle I have on a daily basis. I wish that I have more self control with my sharing, but it's extremely validating to know that I'm not alone in my awkwardness.
Thanks for making these videos. I am not autistic and have always been very cognizant of others emotions and found it easy to make connections with other people on an emotional level. I went to a college with a high academic pedigree and met many people who were high on the autism spectrum. Back then I did not understand how their/your mind worked. These videos are amazing and I thank you for making them as they help me understand some of my old college friends better. It is really great work you do and I hope more people watch your videos and your viewers get good insights from what you say. You really make good points and I can empathise with you and others who experience these things. We all have strengths and weaknesses - those with autism should be so proud of who they are because they are some of the bravest and unique people in the world. It is a gift in disguise. Thanks so much for making the videos man!
If everyone would just be as understanding as you. That’s a great trait. We should all try to understand each other better.
Oh my. I hope your friend gave permission to share her story with us! Poor girl. That would’ve been so embarrassing for her.
And yeah, blathering on about myself when I feel closer to to someone than they feel to me. And then I never hear from them again. It’s really hurtful, because I’m generally more private naturally and now I’ve gone and “ruined” a possible friendship, PLUS they know something about me I’d rather an acquaintance not know. 🤷♀️ oh well, I’m extremely careful about who I’m calling “friend” now. I’ve decided my idea of “acquaintance” is more other people’s idea of “good friend, and anything I’d consider “good friend” they think of as “too close, get away from me you weirdo.” 😂/😭
I am two years late to this video, and I am scrolling through the comments trying to find people who mentioned the friend giving permission to tell this story, and to my surprise, nobody did. You are the first. I was very uncomfortable hearing a story that someone privately overshared and regretted doing it... And then to have their friend share it publicly online... Yikes!
Don't forget that it's also a lot about context. If you meet in a group where it is common to discuss difficult relationship related problems it might be perfectly fine to talk about intimate details given that you are confortable with sharing it.
This video hits me hard. Oversharing is something I struggle with all the time. It's really nice to 1. feel validated by knowing I'm not the only one, and 2. have some advice on how to stop. I hope I can remember to pause more often when I'm answering questions in future. Thank you, Paul!