Vblog: I h8 myself, life matters but I don’t, etc.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 มิ.ย. 2024
- #vblog #authortube #enneagram4 #lovelanguage #wordsofaffirmation
The Harvard Business Review article on "small wins" (1:53): hbr.org/2011/05/the-power-of-...
The IndieReader blurb for my book Winter Queen Contingency (20:50): indiereader.com/book_review/t...
My books (or message for free PDFs on the Patrick Ashe FB page): www.amazon.com/author/patrickashe
I hear you're suffering and I hope it gets better. I think you're sharp at articulating yourself, something I wish i could mirror more as a swedish native. Remember to be kind to yourself.
Hi, Patrick,
I am (kind of unhealthy) INFJ 4w5 and I really relate to your struggle with connection. I feel a constant craze to be seen for who I am and what I do on a daily basis, too. Looking at your videos seems a bit like looking in the mirror. I see myself in you not only in the need for uniqueness but also in how you are connecting strange ideas together and in your artistic side.
I have a crazy idea/assumption that will feel very presumptuous. And this is gonna be a very long message to you, but I hope you will read it all with an open mind because not only I don't want to just "armchair psychologist you" or judge you, but I feel like if you aren't fully aware of this phenomenon in yourself (if there is such), it can really help you gain a new perspective on your struggles.
Introduction.
I started to see a pattern in my thinking process. I always have some idea in my head that feels like the most important thing in the world and is supposed to change my entire life if I get it. I tend to focus on this one thing, and everything I do is dependent on getting it. But no matter how important it seems, it's never completely true. It doesn't work that way, even if it feels so right. It's extremely confusing.
Disclaimer: If you start to feel uneasy while reading this message, please don't deny it to yourself at any cost. If it feels threatening, it may just mean that there is some ugly truth to that, and accepting it will change your thinking in some sense. I just want to help you.
Part 1: Do you tend to fixate on one thing often in your life?
You said that you tried to do everything and seemed to have an answer for any idea that would come to you. Guess what? I had exactly the same mindset, but still, there was something that I didn't realize - I was actually extremely closed-minded, even though I thought that I had everything under my thumb. Crazy, right? Let's go back to your video: You were referring to going to groups, having five graduations, lots of work experience, or most notably, your five books that are the greatest form of your sense of uniqueness. I think they all have something in common - you are talking about it only in the context of you trying to feel seen/unique; like, in that moment, you are connecting it with just that one need. You may ignore so many contexts with this way of thinking, and so much of life, perspectives, and things that are very important can just slip through your fingers. Trust me, this is THE THING that I always noticed in myself - ignoring everything that seemed to add nothing to my fixated idea and only focusing on things that supposedly get me closer to it.
By the way, do you know the book Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami? The main character is INFJ, and the whole book is about his emptiness while yearning for one girl who is somewhere else. He has some other girls along the way and does different things, but because of his fixation on that one, he is unable to feel satisfied. It's something if you want to find examples of the fixation thing in media. It's a great book and not a bad representation of it. I recommend it.
Part 2: Why I believe it doesn't work and how I think one could make it work. [[[]]] = just an example; you can skip it.
[[[ Let's say you are trying to get a girlfriend. It is very important to you and feels so unbelievably life-changing in your head. You started preparing for a date: how to communicate well, how to show appreciation for her, etc. Now the date comes. You think it will go well, and you feel well prepared for it by doing everything you possibly could. But something doesn't add up and is slowly crushing you down. You notice how she smiles, is calm and is just joking around, but you feel extremely concentrated and on edge. Later, she reveals she went on some other dates this week, and you are just one of the possibilities. She wanted to have fun with someone that day, and that person was, by chance, you. When you talk more, she reveals her hobbies, which she has quite a lot of, some of which can be very different, talks about her friends, how she wants to fly to Paris, this music festival she went to, etc. Or she talks about other people, her loved ones, and gives you detailed information about them. And you (the hypothetical scenario) didn't think about focusing on so many things to feel complete like she did. You can feel like there is not much to talk about when it comes to you, especially after she reveals herself. Maybe you feel a little less than her in that situation.
You can just call her a party girl or anything you want, but it will probably never be enough to describe this person - she is just too complex, like any person is. But maybe you are more comfortable with labels. Who is who, and who are you. She may not be, and if you tried to name her some way, she just wouldn't understand where you are coming from and wouldn't really care. ]]]
My personal advice is that people shouldn't reduce themselves if it's not necessary. They shouldn't even reduce their own biggest problems, which they are trying to solve. If they look at them as complex and not easily reduced, they will approach them with a complex, balanced solution, not one that is simple and naive. The holy idea that is most important for you (the thing that you are fixated on) is definitely important, but it can change based on the stuff you are passionate about that you are continuously doing. If you keep it in your mind on the backseat while mainly doing all sorts of other things that are also important, I believe you will a) change your holy idea to something else, because you found a purpose in a little different thing along the way, or b) get there eventually after some time, but with it probably being less important, which is fine, because now you have more meaningful stuff in your life and an overall stronger foundation.
Part 3: Why it can hurt so goddamn much and make you a bitter, confused person.
Almost everything you do is because of that holy idea that will make you complete. So when it doesn't or you fail to reach it, you have nothing else to focus on in life. Everything was because of that; activities didn't have a different meaning. Now what is there to do? To feel hurt? Probably. Miserable, lost, etc. If this is partly your case, I feel sorry for you and wish you to focus on something that gives your life meaning too. Some smaller things, etc.
Part 4: Words of Affirmation
You talk a lot about words of affirmation. That you give to others, and they are giving them to each other, but not much to you. What if the way to "make" people act in such a way is not as straightforward as, ,,I give them, so why don't they give me back"? You can ask yourself some questions: Do they know that you want it? Is it communicated verbally, or have you given them a chance to see how you feel nonverbally? Are you more passive when it comes to a group of friends or more active? You can just nod or not be so proactive when it comes to even some fun, easy-going stuff, and people can then act accordingly to how they feel about you and share with you different things. When you meet the right people with whom you feel comfortable and with whom you share personal values, they need to be comfortable around you, too. You can also think about the things you share with others and how they view you based on them. (I don't want to be annoying or arrogant with these questions; they may seem like everyone knows this, but it's never a bad idea to remind people of something important, especially when the person you are telling it to is lost in some subjective ideas.) Clear communication, verbal and non-verbal (you can't underestimate!) and being sure about where you stand with others or how they approximately view you is, I think, important.
Part 5: Uniqueness
Just look at the beast I am going to put under your video. How many people are willing to write such an extremely long (and, in some parts, probably unnecessary) comment and be relatively unshameful about it? Many would probably find that weird or inappropriate. But it all actually depends on who you are writing this to, how you are doing it, or with what intention. I made the presumption that you would understand all of it and maybe even appreciate it because I partly see myself in you. I think this may be the definition of uniqueness. Choosing your own way based solely on yourself and your experience and, along the way, overcoming some social norms if they are in the way. Because we are what makes this society a thing, anyone can make a difference and change it in some way if they have support, are competent, thoughtful, creative, etc. When you want to be unique, you can just choose your own style of communication and approach to others based on how you read them. Don't listen to what you should or shouldn't say or do. If you think it will help you or others and isn't immoral by your metrics, you can do it, Patrick. I would love for you to find different ways to be unique! :)
I see something in you. The way you talk about various complex and abstract topics, your willingness to be kind to others, trying to be good and happy, etc. You have a spark, man. It's just hard to see through your pain. You can be unique in the way you choose. You can do it.
Part 6: Goodbye (for now)
You can tell what you thought of it, about the big idea of fixating on things, if some of it was helpful, something to clarify or discuss with me, etc. You can also reach out and ask me about anything. Literally whatever comes to mind. I am very straightforward and willing to talk about practically anything personal-related. So this is it - the end of the longest comment I have ever given. I guess now I can only say bye and have a nice day!
PS: I am probably a little crazy with all of this, but who f*cking cares?
7:55 That stack was for a single month (i.e., September of that year)
You need to improve your video titles and choose a better thumbnail.
You can create a custom thumbnail and make that the video's thumbnail.
Nope. Not interested. Here to express myself. In fact, I rant against style over substance in this very video and stated in the beginning that it's directed toward friends and family. Strangers can join if they want, whatever. I mean, this is precisely the opposite of helpful. kthxbye
I've also been aware of those features since I joined four years ago. Some people like authenticity, not curating, and certainly not treating subjective questions (e.g., what constitutes an "improved" title or "better" thumbnail) as though they are objective.
I mean, you have one public video with 29 views, whereas I have 65 public videos with over 40,500 views, so... thanks for making the case for me for what unsolicited advice looks like.
Stop
k