Want to know more about trauma bonds? Here are the 5 reasons we suffer from trauma bonds + abusive relationships: th-cam.com/video/Y0y_9etZpzE/w-d-xo.html
Hey Kati! I real enjoy your videos. However I will like to connect trauma bonding with regards to sexual grooming. Using a teacher as an example. Most of videos about relationships. What if you didn't have a relationship with the person. Except teacher/student. However the trauma happened when the person heard you told about their affection was being shared and then trip on the school compound. Then lied in a teacher/ parent meaning. Thereafter they treathen you after seeing you going to the guidance counsellor.
Clear sign of trauma bond…u feel like u can’t live without the person and u even think about ending ur life if u lose them…u constantly walk on eggshells cuz the anxiety of living without them is so huge that you at any cost want to stay…another sign is when u are forced into a no contact situation by them u will experience physical symptoms like u can’t eat anymore, nervousness, anxiety,…even after a discard situation all u do is think about this person and u even dream about them u blame urself that u didn’t bend over more to make it right for them…and so many tears…I cried so many tears… They treat u so special one moment and like trash the next.
I used to be a secure, confident guy. Met my ex who ended up being an avoidant. 12 years of her shit & i finally had enough. It messed me up & now I have anxiety issues, don't trust anyone and never want to help someone ever again. I never wanted to end my life over or anything but im more upset at myself that I let someone treat me like a doormat. Im still processing all the shit i went through over 12 years. Just say no to avoidants or the moment you see red flags
Is this unhealthy? I believe the tolerability in relationships these days is low. People used to get married and work through whatever came up. Now everything has to be perfect… No wonder we’re not as coupled up? What has created this desire to have the perfect relationship?
@@hugocrabb9465 that’s not what is being spoken to here- trauma bonding will have you still trying to ‘work through’ (a euphemism for IGNORE) *serious red flags* that are a neon sign indicating the relationship is _not_ healthy. There is a difference between two healthy, emotionally intelligent and self responsible adults working through a difficult patch and the situation that is almost always, ENTIRELY ‘difficult patch’ with a few lonely petunias thrown in.
Thank you for this video. I spent 6 years in a trauma bond and was months away from marrying my abuser. Going to therapy and learning that it was abuse really shattered my worldview. Help is out there, stay strong.
I had 3 years, you never know until you know. Hope everything turned out well for you. I think I evolved from being the abused to both abusing each other in the relationship
I’d love to see a video on trauma bonding with a job. The constant cycle of love/hate and feeling like you are solely responsible for making your work place function and intense guilt at the thought to leaving. Also, finding your identity in your work and thinking you’ll be lost if you ever switch careers.
Omg….this was me. It took a chronic illness to force me to finally let go. Actually It was about 2 years after I had to leave before I started to heal. I think this would be a great idea for a video.
Yess! This was totally me at my old job. I was a teacher and felt so guilty to leave. It was such a toxic environment but only stayed for the kids because I didn’t want to let them down. Once I left, I felt a huge lift off my shoulders. Now I have a job that I love.
The Fallacy of Sunk Cost springs to mind. This is the avoidance of leaving a relationship that you've invested a great deal of time, energy and resources in. Plus, there's also a shared history and shared memories. It's incredibly difficult to end such a relationship.
For me it became easier when I had the revelation the person I thought I was in love with never existed. I fell in love with the idea of her, a complete fantasy of her reinforced by the person she sold me in the beginning of the relationship that I couldn't ever seem to get back.
I think the trauma bonding victim does not feel Sunk cost at all. I think they are just afraid, that is, if they leave the abuser, something bad will happen to them and they will feel bad and obligated.
I had a person try to force me to trauma bond with them, but I didn't know that was what was happening. They made me feel really bad about being hesitant about not feeling what they felt all the time, being codependent, etc. They basically implied I was a sociopath who had no empathy and that I wasn't even trying with the relationship, but all I wanted to do was continue being my own person. What a mindfuck.
My first (and so far only) relationship was a trauma bond, when I was only 16. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive, so when my first bf was also abusive, I thought it was normal. It felt familiar, my father was like that so it must’ve been love. I was in the relationship for 2 years. Finally, I reported him after he strangled me 4 times, spit in my face, punched me in the gut, etc. My advice for anyone in a situation like this, LEAVE!!! Some people don’t have the chance to become a survivor, they lose their lives as a victim.
If you’re giving your all and it’s not enough, then you’re probably giving it to the wrong person. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
My therapist said me and my ex best friend had a trauma bond. A lot of people say a trauma bond only happens where there's abuse involved, and I wouldn't necessarily call this relationship abusive. I'd call it codependent and (unintentionally) manipulative, and a little controlling. But I never felt like I was sexually or physically abused. For a while I thought she was emotionally abusive but I'm not so sure that's what it was. There's a lot to it, hard to explain in one comment. I'll just say in my mind, a loving, and more importantly, healthy relationship (a relationship can be loving but not healthy) includes freedom, well thought out trust, and respect on both sides. Also something my therapist pointed out is to pay attention to how you feel hanging out with someone- do you feel drained, or do you feel rejeuvinated? Every time I stopped hanging out with this old friend, I felt very depleted. Something to pay attention to.
Thank you for outlining all of these signs, Kati. They can be difficult to differ from actual love, but as long as you notice these red flags, you can protect yourself from harm's way.
This is my entire childhood with my mentally-ill and addicted mother. She neglected my brother and I, covertly sexually abused me and physically abused him. She would behave erratically and then repeat the same sob story about how she was molested and therefore is not responsible for her actions. She would gaslight me for hours, nearly every day until I moved out at 19. She would tell me that she never wanted kids, as if I wasn't her child. If I asked her for help doing something like making food, she would say "just do whatever you'd do if I were dead." When she was angry, she would say "I wish I could go back to jail because it's better that living here!" She claims she was a good mom because she didn't kill us herself. She never hugged us or said I love you. She never consoled us when we were upset or got hurt. Instead, she would shame us and repeated tell others about what happened. She would say things like "I'll kill you" or "get over here before I kill you." She would growl, snarl and gnash her teeth while invoking a deep demonic voice. She did horrible things to my brother like strangle him, lift him by his hair, kick him in the ass or fake punch really close to his face. She had me convinced that he deserved it and even had me abusing him in her stead. I thought everything she said was the truth until I met my first friend at 12. Until then, I was a captive in my own home, completely brainwashed and utterly isolated. I wet the bed every night until then. I still have a relationship with her, but I have gone "gray rock" and have worked on grieving the person I wanted her to be. I understand that she can't see me as anything but an extension of herself and she will never want to know the real me.
😢 I am sooo sorry to hear about you & your brother's childhood experience. No child should ever experience those things. I send you a virtual hug 🫂. You are an amazing human being to have survived that. I pray that your life is much better than it used to be. I pray that you are blessed and well taken care of by now. Even if it's by means of self-love. May God be with you 🙏🏼 ✨️ 💛🤍🧡
I have points 1,2,3,5 in my marriage. Luckily I realized that about couple months ago and started rethinking the relationship. My partner is trying to repeat the "I won't do it again" and sympathy seeking currently but I can clearly see it for the manipulation it is. The more I worked in therapy over my bond with my parents though, the more I saw unhealthy patterns in my husband. If anyone is stuck in trauma bond with their romantic partner and are going in circles in therapy, from my experience I'd suggest first working on your relationship with your primary caregivers as a child. Thank you for another insightful video Kati
My situation isn't a romantic one, but my mom fits this. Just yesterday, I was telling a friend how despite being abused by my parents, I felt like I had to be the kid to show love to them because they're aging and trying to chill out. My brothers want nothing to do with them, hence feeling like I have to be the one. And they have gaslit me regularly to think the abuse didn't happen, or I was somehow difficult too and they tell me to just get over it. The gaslighting was so bad my whole life I have severe OCD and memory problems. I feel like I've created a trauma bond with my mom especially since I'm always trying to keep the peace, and I feel like I am one person around her and truly myself to everyone else. I feel extreme guilt any time I try to cut my parents out of my life. I'm publishing a memoir-like book soon, and honestly, maybe I should just cut them out before the worst happens again (they've found my memoir writing before and my counselor and I got threatened and, of course, gaslit again). I need to stop thinking that just because they're being nice now doesn't erase all the trauma and C-PTSD they caused. Thanks for the video, Kati. You always seem to talk about stuff on the day that I need to hear it.
Shane, story of my family. They will never get better, only worse. Get out of there. Put your self first. For healing from narcissistic abuse: 1. Understand what actually happened 2. Put distance between them and you - physically, emotionally, financially, every way 3. Live in defiance of their rules for you. I promise you, life is so much better on the other side. Please don't waste precious years. ❤️
Please really consider going No Contact with your parents. I know it’s difficult and the guilt can be really hard at first, but you will experience a freedom that you have never known! Trust me, I know from experience. It’s so crazy to think that these people who are supposed to love and protect you, just do not. They only love themselves and they will protect only their OWN interests, especially at the cost of others. Please take care of yourself . Best wishes and love to you. 💜💜💜
Wow Shane, I hate that you are going through that but so glad to know that I’m not alone!!! Yes, the guilt, especially because they are aging. I had to go No Contact and it is breaking my heart!!! But I also have found some peace in knowing I’m not going to get a phone call from one of them (mainly my mother) because I blocked all of them. And I live a long way from them. But yeah, the guilt can be all consuming some days and all I do is cry. It sucks.
This video made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm nearly 50 and this has been my entire adult relationship experience. I don't know anything else. My mom did it, and now every relationship, I essentially find her again. Now I feel it's too late to even try to enjoy life. I have nothing left. They took literally everything.
I hear you. Nearly 40 and my experience of life has been the same as you’ve just said down to I have nothing left. Take care of yourself, value yourself and give yourself the love you’ve never received the best you can 💚
"Oh, trauma bonding, that sounds pretty wholesome to connect to people who have trauma like you. I guess you could maybe confuse that with love" "Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment that we can form with our abuser" "oh no..."
I also thought trauma bonding was literally bonding over similar traumas, not this type of abusive relationship. I really wish it had a different name. 😅
This original comment is literally me. Just got corrected by a friend today & then watched this video. Yes, I wish it could have a different name. It seems a lot of people misunderstand this thing...
Great video, Kati Thankfully I'm an introvert, so I always been able to draw myself away from my abusive narcissistic mother and gaslighting sisters. I hope other people, who are not as lucky as I am for being more emotionally independent, to learn to work their emotions out in order to detach themselves from those not so charming vampires.
Yep i try too explain this too people who say "its been 9 years why are you not over your ex" as too why i cant date people, but too explain im over them as a person but not the words they used people just dont understand that, which i understand it is hard even for me to grasp haha. Weird living with PTSD
My mum doesn't believe my mental health, eating, emotional, trauma, sleep, coping mechanisms and more, are real, true. My dad abandoned me when I was 16, it happened after he realized I was selfharming, he told me before he broke our relationship to shatters, " that if I don't stop selfharming he will disown me " he is in my life yet I HATE how he makes me feel.
Regarding the "Seeing our friends and family" - I am in a marriage with someone who is emotionally enmeshed with her sister who monopolizes and controls my wife by making all of the critical demands, and getting angry at her if she doesn't get her way. She manipulates her, and it's hard on our marriage. I do ask my wife to set up some more time boundaries with her because of this toxic dynamic. Her sister ruined our marriage by getting my wife into compulsive spending. My wife spent $80k in compulsive credit card debt in 18 months. Be very careful about the idea of supporting relationships with "friends and family". Not all of them are healthy relationships.
The thing is that is easier said than done. To get up and leave? Why is it hard? We sometimes wait until we literally had enough. And that we don’t just care anymore to leave.
Because even abusive relationships have good times, and we remember those during the bad ones in order to stay in it, and hope they’ll return to the good person we used to know. And we still love them despite the abuse. And we don’t have an identity outsude of the relationship anymore due to the coercive control. And we may not have any financial resources of our own to establish a stable new life. And finally, the cumulative effects of abuse make you live In survival mode, your prefrontal cortex shuts down (the part that makes decisions and plans and executes tasks) so as a result we feel stuck. 😢❤
It’s the dopamine our body releases in the “honeymoon” time … we literally get addicted to it feels like we are doing something against our will to work things out when we try to move away … because at the same time our body knows it will get dopamine if we go back…
Thank you, this is helping me get clear that my relationship is unhealthy and I need to get free . You could talk about what makes it hard for people who suffered emotional abuse in childhood to break free from a trauma bond
I ended up on antidepresants from 3 years of narcissistic abuse, that i mistakengly though was love. Its been 40 days of no contact and Im still very sad about it.. empty and devastated by the loss of "love" of my life.
Thank you Kati, your videos really helped me on my way to healing.. Im seeking therapist and there is a lot of improovement.. you are doing a great service to the world, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I was married to a narcissist. Trauma bond relationship of 5 years. 3 kids and 2 psych hospital stays (me and her) child services involvement.... I realized I was fucked up from it when I felt numb being loved by family......If I didn't make the choice to find real help I would've not been here. I'm also writing an autobiography about all this. Keep pushing.
I think I am still experiencing PTSD from narcissistic abuse. In this case it was my ex-best friend. (Emphasis on the "ex"). We were friends for years, we were more than brothers, until I ended it. My therapist diagnosed trauma after the relationship ended, and it took nearly two years of therapy to do so. Now I'm in a space where I try to break patterns and move on. I have a boss who is extremely manipulative, authoritarian and disorganized and I'm trying to quit my job at the moment. He already has driven 4 people to quit with his behaviour.
I dealt with this with my brother. When we both went to therapy and stopped complaining about abusive parents all the time, we started to grow apart. It was like we didn't have anything in common anymore.
Thats not what a trauma bond is. Common misconception. A trauma bond i between an abuser and their victim. You’re describing about bonding over mutual trauma, but that’s not what the phrase trauma bond actually refers to.
Trying to end a bad relationship. We’re both in the wrong. I’m tempted to send this to him but I think the first step towards ending it for good is to not even bother. His number is blocked. It’s staying that way.
Ending a friendship with a gaslighter was the best decision I've ever made. I sent him a short, neutral e-mail, waited for a reply, and then blocked him everywhere without responding to him. He'd constantly make me question my memory. If I called him out on it, he'd either mock me or dismiss me. He'd get so angry whenever I mentioned talking to other friends, but he'd freely talk about meeting different friends for dinner. Twice, he bragged to me that he thought he was a great liar. That still gives me the chills. I bought a gaslighting workbook that's helped me a lot.
Thank you for this I spent the last 5 years of relationship dealing with stuff like this and the last 2 years mentally healing. And now that I'm doing so much better I see so vividly the people I care about in my life that are dealing with the same thing. This was perfect and I shared to like 4 people today HAHA. I love everything you post its been a huge help and I thank you for keeping up what you do its amazing and reaches so many more people then you think it might. :D Love your content will always be a follower.
@@Katimorton Yeah Im in the best place mentally then I have in prob my whole life. Spent the last 2 years healing and making myself know that I'm not in survival mode anymore like I have been my whole life. Its weird crazy scary and amazing all at the same time. I Love everything you put out and the attention you put to your community. Im huge into marketing and business just in general. and I have a small suggestion while I have you lol. Check out making a discord for your community I think its one of the best ways to build a solid community these days and really can be a great central station for your biggest fans to stay up to date with your content as well as speaking to like minded people that also love your content. Thats my suggestion while I had the applebox for a few moments LOL have an amazing day and thanks for everything.
Katie I do not know if you will see my message , but my trauma bond has been unbreakable. I left her went no contact fir six weeks. She was physical abusing me, claiming it was a response to me emotionally hurting her. Anyway after 7 weeks no contact she enticed me to hook up with her. Then I started helping her $$ wise. She would push pull me , love me not love me. We were having weeklybs33gs. Now I am so trauma bonded to her. I am so afraid to let her go. I know I have to but I just can not. Even my coach is now yelling at me ! Ugh! Ugh! I was never trauma bonded ! This is crazy we have only benn married three years and known each other 3.5 years !
Have you ever had a baby & called your mother to tell her about it [in spite of incest allegations she admitted then denied] to only hear about her life? Yeah same
So much you touched on honestly almost everything you said I could agree or recall some type of interaction with my "fiance "😢 I know I need to take our daughter and leave him alone for good. He will literally call me names verbally abusing me, cause arguments, Blame me for things I didn't do and then tell me calm down and that he loves me SMH... I sincerely pray we make it out alive and I pray that everybody who's in an abusive relationship can find strength within to leave safely
My ex tried to strip me off all my friendships. He literally used to get mad if i meet my best friends. I started feeling isolated from everyone else except him. I Left!
Also looks and feels like Empathy Fatigue - which is defending or putting efforts to be there for someone you deeply care about, who is being abused and you feel helpless because the situation is out of your, and most importantly, their control. Empathy fatigue is because you are loving and loyal. Like a love burnout. Blaming the person being abused that you cant help because it's not something in either of your control...is not loving. It's an incorrectly informed evaluation of a situation. And that person probably still needs your support to get out from the abuse.
Great video! I’m an army chaplain, and will be using this video to help couples see their trauma bonds. The video is concise and we’ll presented for an a audience that has not understood this dynamic.
IM TRIGGERED ps. Love you and almost everything you do. Other than dragging yourself through the mud you were born into. Keep breaking those generational curses! Love Love you
It took a few years but I finally had to accept my best friend of nine years was a trauma bond. We were always platonic but partners that I did have told me how uncomfortable my friend made them. And then so many unnecessary fights where I tried to defend my friend. But she showed her true colors at the end anyway.
I don't think so. I think in a trauma bonded relationship, it's always best to leave. Both sides can get separate therapy or whatever help necessary, but I think after trauma, it's just not worth trying to fix the relationship itself. Better to find someone new who gives you freedom and respect who you can trust. That's my personal opinion. Also want to add that a relationship can be loving but not healthy. Love is not all people should look for in relationships.
That reminds me particularly of my father experiences were a combination of really great, and really horrible. Even as a child, I saw it as him trying to balance a scale with good deeds.
Kati Morton. Another good and helpful interesting video and as always plenty of advice about Trauma bonding and also explaining codependency to add I have often felt I'm nothing without a relationship all my relationship s never worked out
Hi Kati. I hope you'll respond to this, if possible. As an LMFT, what is your take on the trauma bond from and anxious-avoidant, pursuer-withdrawer perspective? I'm interested in the idea that preoccupied attachment and avoidant attachment are 2 sides of the same coin (versions of narcissism, disorders of the self). In EFT therapy, the goal is to externalize "the cycle" in which neither person's needs are being met. Couldn't one argue that a trauma bond is just an insecure attachment cycle left to fester? Where both people become highly reactive to each other through repeated moments of disconnection? I think this is what I believe. I'm not sure I believe there is always one partner who is much more abusing than the other. When we talk about emotional abuse (versus more obvious types of abuse) couldn't it be argued that in any insecure relationship, both partners are suffering equally? Just for different reasons? Thanks for sharing your knowledge!
❤❤❤❤❤Thank you so much for this informative video 💕. I knew I needed to talk to someone but not who love. You possibly just saved me, frfr, on soooo many levels. You don't even know!!! God bless you, through Jesus' name! ❤❤❤❤❤❤ You are amazing. Subscribed! 🙏🏿
Ohhh this makes sense, I thought trauma bonding was when you connect/relate to people who have gone through similar trauma in life and you feel a sense of comfort and connection because of it…nvm lol
A trauma bond has occurred for me, and I don't know how to break it. There isn't even a sense of love, but I want to apologize for their behavior. It also doesn't look like how trauma bonds are described in video. It can be more subtle and happen over small moments.
After watching this, i realized one of my ex’s from years ago, had this, not with me but with her ex boyfriend and she still kept him around and was friends with him, and she would say how he did all of these horrible things to her, and I never understood why she would want to have someone like that in her life and it got me so mad, now I know thanks Kati
Just wanted to add that you could both be harming each other accidentally in ways you don't see BC of gender differences (love and respect) or things like avoidant vs anxious attachment and you could both be trauma bonded by the unintentional 'abuse'. This was my situation with my ex and we were on and off for 14 years.
Finding a trauma therapist that understands the codependent/narcissist relationship has been really hard. I have been through 4 therapists and only one understood what it is, but was unwilling to help, due to being unable to get the narcissist in to talk to him. I'm trying the online service Better Help, but I am becoming convinced she doesn't have a clue either. If you have any suggestions for an online counseling service, please let me know.
found this after bonding to one of my traffickers and a couple clients after being kidnapped and sold and worked. I miss them, the traffickers. and the clients. I found a couple after rehab and they are terrible people. 😅 still miss them tho.
Kati if it's possible could you make another video about BDD? I've been following your channel for a year trying to work on my BPD and anxiety before therapy started, it actually starts in a few weeks and had a re-diagnose, still have BPD as I expected but also got a new diagnose of BDD. I wasn't sure if I had it, felt recognizable hearing other people's stories but always thought "but they are not ugly they are pretty but I really do look like a monster". I did see 2 of your videos about BDD and again, very recognizable... Thank you so much for what you do! 💖
Well explained! As heinous as this kind of abuser is, I still find myself pitying them (and their kids) for functioning this way. Why don't they realize how miserable they are... or do they and just ignore it even as they throttle the life out of all their relationships before smugly claiming they weren't meant to be? I don't know which is worse! Being that way must feel like having a constant migraine. OMG do I need therapy?! 😂🤣
My bestfriend is attached to my due to trauma bond..I want break it ..i don't know how to make him realise that it's not working between us ..I am the one always hurting him
One caveat regarding someone saying that they don't want you to see your family (if this was the ONLY thing they did): if that someone had observed some toxic, nasty stuff that people were doing to you but it was so 'normal' to you that you never even noticed, that would be completely different. But they may not communicate it to you in a way that makes you see it or believe it- or they might be too embarrassed to even describe what they saw. A lifetime of ass-grabbing, for example, by male members of the group, that I, for example, never noticed until it was pointed out to me by a date I brought to a family gathering --always consider what people say, and use your logic and experience to discover the truth. Having stated that; Don't let ANYONE tell you who you can or cannot see!
In my situation, I think both of us had similar traumas and we were hurting each other from those states. So not necessarily that there was one "good person" and one abuser.
I don't the apologies or the love bombing. Just the abuse and then acting like nothing happened the next day or days later between silent treatment or walking away from teying to talk. All emotional abuse. Finding it hard to walk away as I'm feeling incredibly guilty by the thought of leaving tkem on their own. I'm not isolated in any way or don't feel in any way that I'm responsible. I'm just struggling with the idea of walking away from what I know isn't healthy....
I have a friend with CPTSD that has a trauma bond with her mom. She hides what she can and never told her about it. She's afraid to lose her despite everything esp as her mom changed over time for the better.
The family isolation was unreal, the waking up the next day and saying that did not happened., Alcoholic, Liar...Bad with Money. Constant I Love I Love, then turn around and cus me out‼️
My recent ex is trauma bonded to her narcissistically abusive ex husband. It made her extremely avoidant and she discarded me a couple months ago. It still hurts like hell.
What's it called if they literally are misrembering the events? Are you supposed to stay silent and let them continue lying and living in an alternate reality to avoid being labeled as a gaslighter? Reason I ask, is because my wife is a narcissist who is very controlling. I catch myself noticing her misrepresenting facts and if i call her out on it, she says Im gaslighting. Theres no way to have a constructive conversation when someones version of the actual events has always and will always deviate from the truth. She told me she hated me and wanted a divorce on Christmas Eve, but later said that i was the one who asked for the divorce, and then had the audacity to say that she knew that i would ruin Christmas. Absolutely blew my mind.
Pretty sure i had this with a girl i was seeing, as she said she had trauma bonded before. Was really naive and didnt know what it meant, i thought it was just connecting and having empathy for past trauma but damn was i wrong. The mind fuck this girl would ensue in my brain was indescribable, but felt so fucking bad for what happened to her and hated the state i would leave her in if i left when i wanted. I still feel bad lol i pretty sure she has ptsd from everything she went through and probably more but. The moment it was over, even though i definitely stayed to long, was she would just refuse to get help that she needed and relied on me to just stay with her "until" she got better. no no no. So red flag if someone said they had done it before
I may be saying this because I'm struggling, but is there any way to help them realize what they are doing and maybe they eventually change..? Or is it a never ending cycle?
Today I stood in a field and watched a flock of starlings and thought that all of their troubles are nothing compared to mine, the snow clouds loomed in the distance and I yearned for my abusive partner. The one who has gone silent on me again, the one who is my oxygen. I'm so tired. I lost my parents a few years ago and was lost, got hooked up with this magical saviour who sent me straight to hell. I'd cut my own skin off if she asked me to. It is the worst thing in the world, but it is my oxygen.
This is why I'm single. I have never had a healthy relationship and anytime someone is healthy with me I don't trust it, and am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It’s weird… my last partner claimed we are trauma bonded.. she’s moved on every time we were seperate… and I never understood why I still miss her and ponder things like “trauma bonding”.. now I understand that she was correct… but that I the one traumatised… (I still miss her so much). And have been constantly trying to address all the emotional ?… STUFF… that she always brought up and researching the terms she used… it’s been over for a year… but here I am still trying to work out where I went wrong… that made my eyes leak…
@Hypergamous Wife sue claimed a lot of these new terms. That I’ve had to research… from Abuse to toxic relationship ?.. non of which I can see my self as the main cause of… we both have Trauma … and she has used it against me at ever chance.. (like I’m some angel that can just grasp every one of her issues straight away … be walked away on all the time and not bring it up when she comes back). she basically lied to herself and to me about her availability… (that’s what I’m starting to figure out).. but it’s hurt to look up all the crap in her head… that she focused on me for three years…. I feel totally lost now after putting in so much work…. On a lost cause…. And it makes me feel there is something whiting with me… and that she actually was the ONLY person correct about me?.. (which is illogical…) edits… WRONG with me She not sue.
Hey Kati! I’ve been struggling with anxiety for about a year now! And I’m thinking I have social anxiety disorder, and I really wanna talk to the school counselor but I don’t know what to say? I’ve started school about a month ago and every morning I’m a,ways almost miss the bus cause I take so long to get ready and keep stressing about how I look and I always feel like ever will judge me. And today I had a presentation and kept stressing and felt sick! And I always get anxious around people! So what should I say to the coupler?? Thanks😊
Want to know more about trauma bonds? Here are the 5 reasons we suffer from trauma bonds + abusive relationships: th-cam.com/video/Y0y_9etZpzE/w-d-xo.html
Kati Morton I'm beyond the least part of caring.
Hey Kati! I real enjoy your videos. However I will like to connect trauma bonding with regards to sexual grooming. Using a teacher as an example. Most of videos about relationships. What if you didn't have a relationship with the person. Except teacher/student. However the trauma happened when the person heard you told about their affection was being shared and then trip on the school compound. Then lied in a teacher/ parent meaning. Thereafter they treathen you after seeing you going to the guidance counsellor.
"Trauma bonding is characterised by loss of self" and it's also survival, wasn't it identified in hostage situations
Clear sign of trauma bond…u feel like u can’t live without the person and u even think about ending ur life if u lose them…u constantly walk on eggshells cuz the anxiety of living without them is so huge that you at any cost want to stay…another sign is when u are forced into a no contact situation by them u will experience physical symptoms like u can’t eat anymore, nervousness, anxiety,…even after a discard situation all u do is think about this person and u even dream about them u blame urself that u didn’t bend over more to make it right for them…and so many tears…I cried so many tears…
They treat u so special one moment and like trash the next.
I used to be a secure, confident guy. Met my ex who ended up being an avoidant. 12 years of her shit & i finally had enough. It messed me up & now I have anxiety issues, don't trust anyone and never want to help someone ever again. I never wanted to end my life over or anything but im more upset at myself that I let someone treat me like a doormat. Im still processing all the shit i went through over 12 years. Just say no to avoidants or the moment you see red flags
@@jamie-r2034 It's not your fault.
I know exactly how that feels, too. I'm so sorry, I hope things are better for you now.
Trauma bonding means you want the relationship to continue at any cost
I agree
Yes, that part.
I completely agree
Is this unhealthy? I believe the tolerability in relationships these days is low. People used to get married and work through whatever came up. Now everything has to be perfect… No wonder we’re not as coupled up? What has created this desire to have the perfect relationship?
@@hugocrabb9465 that’s not what is being spoken to here- trauma bonding will have you still trying to ‘work through’ (a euphemism for IGNORE) *serious red flags* that are a neon sign indicating the relationship is _not_ healthy. There is a difference between two healthy, emotionally intelligent and self responsible adults working through a difficult patch and the situation that is almost always, ENTIRELY ‘difficult patch’ with a few lonely petunias thrown in.
Thank you for this video. I spent 6 years in a trauma bond and was months away from marrying my abuser. Going to therapy and learning that it was abuse really shattered my worldview. Help is out there, stay strong.
If only if only......
Same
thank god, you were not married yet. hope you get what you need.
I had 3 years, you never know until you know. Hope everything turned out well for you. I think I evolved from being the abused to both abusing each other in the relationship
I’d love to see a video on trauma bonding with a job. The constant cycle of love/hate and feeling like you are solely responsible for making your work place function and intense guilt at the thought to leaving. Also, finding your identity in your work and thinking you’ll be lost if you ever switch careers.
TK. Hello it's been a very long time sence I seen your name here hope you are well and doing ok 🙂
Omg….this was me. It took a chronic illness to force me to finally let go. Actually It was about 2 years after I had to leave before I started to heal. I think this would be a great idea for a video.
Yessssssss
Yess! This was totally me at my old job. I was a teacher and felt so guilty to leave. It was such a toxic environment but only stayed for the kids because I didn’t want to let them down. Once I left, I felt a huge lift off my shoulders. Now I have a job that I love.
Gaslight. Gatekeeper. Girlboss. 🫠🫠🫠
The Fallacy of Sunk Cost springs to mind. This is the avoidance of leaving a relationship that you've invested a great deal of time, energy and resources in. Plus, there's also a shared history and shared memories.
It's incredibly difficult to end such a relationship.
For me it became easier when I had the revelation the person I thought I was in love with never existed. I fell in love with the idea of her, a complete fantasy of her reinforced by the person she sold me in the beginning of the relationship that I couldn't ever seem to get back.
I think the trauma bonding victim does not feel Sunk cost at all. I think they are just afraid, that is, if they leave the abuser, something bad will happen to them and they will feel bad and obligated.
You aren't responsible for other people's feelings and reactions.
I was juat using the sunk cost fallacy recently too.
God, is it ever hard. I have 32 years into mine.
In a trauma filled world, this is more important than ever. Value & love yourself💚
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5:02 Thank you Katie for reminding us what a loving relationship includes.
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I had a person try to force me to trauma bond with them, but I didn't know that was what was happening. They made me feel really bad about being hesitant about not feeling what they felt all the time, being codependent, etc. They basically implied I was a sociopath who had no empathy and that I wasn't even trying with the relationship, but all I wanted to do was continue being my own person. What a mindfuck.
You just literally described my relationship lol
God. I relate
wow thats literally how ive been feeling lately 😅💔
Maybe you have an avoidant attachment
My first (and so far only) relationship was a trauma bond, when I was only 16. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive, so when my first bf was also abusive, I thought it was normal. It felt familiar, my father was like that so it must’ve been love.
I was in the relationship for 2 years. Finally, I reported him after he strangled me 4 times, spit in my face, punched me in the gut, etc.
My advice for anyone in a situation like this, LEAVE!!! Some people don’t have the chance to become a survivor, they lose their lives as a victim.
If you’re giving your all and it’s not enough, then you’re probably giving it to the wrong person.
💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Well said 💘
Your channel looks very helpful I'm going to subscribe!
Thank you for this
My therapist said me and my ex best friend had a trauma bond. A lot of people say a trauma bond only happens where there's abuse involved, and I wouldn't necessarily call this relationship abusive. I'd call it codependent and (unintentionally) manipulative, and a little controlling. But I never felt like I was sexually or physically abused. For a while I thought she was emotionally abusive but I'm not so sure that's what it was. There's a lot to it, hard to explain in one comment. I'll just say in my mind, a loving, and more importantly, healthy relationship (a relationship can be loving but not healthy) includes freedom, well thought out trust, and respect on both sides. Also something my therapist pointed out is to pay attention to how you feel hanging out with someone- do you feel drained, or do you feel rejeuvinated? Every time I stopped hanging out with this old friend, I felt very depleted. Something to pay attention to.
Thank you for outlining all of these signs, Kati. They can be difficult to differ from actual love, but as long as you notice these red flags, you can protect yourself from harm's way.
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This is my entire childhood with my mentally-ill and addicted mother. She neglected my brother and I, covertly sexually abused me and physically abused him. She would behave erratically and then repeat the same sob story about how she was molested and therefore is not responsible for her actions. She would gaslight me for hours, nearly every day until I moved out at 19. She would tell me that she never wanted kids, as if I wasn't her child. If I asked her for help doing something like making food, she would say "just do whatever you'd do if I were dead." When she was angry, she would say "I wish I could go back to jail because it's better that living here!" She claims she was a good mom because she didn't kill us herself. She never hugged us or said I love you. She never consoled us when we were upset or got hurt. Instead, she would shame us and repeated tell others about what happened. She would say things like "I'll kill you" or "get over here before I kill you." She would growl, snarl and gnash her teeth while invoking a deep demonic voice. She did horrible things to my brother like strangle him, lift him by his hair, kick him in the ass or fake punch really close to his face. She had me convinced that he deserved it and even had me abusing him in her stead. I thought everything she said was the truth until I met my first friend at 12. Until then, I was a captive in my own home, completely brainwashed and utterly isolated. I wet the bed every night until then.
I still have a relationship with her, but I have gone "gray rock" and have worked on grieving the person I wanted her to be. I understand that she can't see me as anything but an extension of herself and she will never want to know the real me.
i understand your pain . 10 years of foster care .. ❤ i only see my mum once a month flr dinner and nothing more ..
I hope you are much happier now
and have found peace
No one deserves this childhood
I want to give you a hug from England to wherever you are 🤍🤍🤍
Thats sad 😞
😢 I am sooo sorry to hear about you & your brother's childhood experience. No child should ever experience those things. I send you a virtual hug 🫂. You are an amazing human being to have survived that. I pray that your life is much better than it used to be. I pray that you are blessed and well taken care of by now. Even if it's by means of self-love. May God be with you 🙏🏼 ✨️ 💛🤍🧡
I have points 1,2,3,5 in my marriage. Luckily I realized that about couple months ago and started rethinking the relationship. My partner is trying to repeat the "I won't do it again" and sympathy seeking currently but I can clearly see it for the manipulation it is. The more I worked in therapy over my bond with my parents though, the more I saw unhealthy patterns in my husband. If anyone is stuck in trauma bond with their romantic partner and are going in circles in therapy, from my experience I'd suggest first working on your relationship with your primary caregivers as a child.
Thank you for another insightful video Kati
My situation isn't a romantic one, but my mom fits this. Just yesterday, I was telling a friend how despite being abused by my parents, I felt like I had to be the kid to show love to them because they're aging and trying to chill out. My brothers want nothing to do with them, hence feeling like I have to be the one. And they have gaslit me regularly to think the abuse didn't happen, or I was somehow difficult too and they tell me to just get over it. The gaslighting was so bad my whole life I have severe OCD and memory problems. I feel like I've created a trauma bond with my mom especially since I'm always trying to keep the peace, and I feel like I am one person around her and truly myself to everyone else. I feel extreme guilt any time I try to cut my parents out of my life. I'm publishing a memoir-like book soon, and honestly, maybe I should just cut them out before the worst happens again (they've found my memoir writing before and my counselor and I got threatened and, of course, gaslit again). I need to stop thinking that just because they're being nice now doesn't erase all the trauma and C-PTSD they caused. Thanks for the video, Kati. You always seem to talk about stuff on the day that I need to hear it.
I can relate so much to this. Hugs. I know how mentally exhausting this is. The fact that you’re writing about this is great.
Shane, story of my family. They will never get better, only worse.
Get out of there. Put your self first.
For healing from narcissistic abuse:
1. Understand what actually happened
2. Put distance between them and you - physically, emotionally, financially, every way
3. Live in defiance of their rules for you.
I promise you, life is so much better on the other side.
Please don't waste precious years. ❤️
Please really consider going No Contact with your parents. I know it’s difficult and the guilt can be really hard at first, but you will experience a freedom that you have never known! Trust me, I know from experience. It’s so crazy to think that these people who are supposed to love and protect you, just do not. They only love themselves and they will protect only their OWN interests, especially at the cost of others. Please take care of yourself . Best wishes and love to you. 💜💜💜
Wow Shane, I hate that you are going through that but so glad to know that I’m not alone!!! Yes, the guilt, especially because they are aging. I had to go No Contact and it is breaking my heart!!! But I also have found some peace in knowing I’m not going to get a phone call from one of them (mainly my mother) because I blocked all of them. And I live a long way from them. But yeah, the guilt can be all consuming some days and all I do is cry. It sucks.
I have had problems with my mother. I do not see her very often. I still see her though. I have found this is a fairly good solution.
I'VE LIVED ALL THIS FOR 18 MONTHS, I finally walked away...Thank u God for a Brighter Future., 💖🙏
This video made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm nearly 50 and this has been my entire adult relationship experience. I don't know anything else. My mom did it, and now every relationship, I essentially find her again. Now I feel it's too late to even try to enjoy life. I have nothing left. They took literally everything.
I hear you. Nearly 40 and my experience of life has been the same as you’ve just said down to I have nothing left.
Take care of yourself, value yourself and give yourself the love you’ve never received the best you can 💚
Wow, wow and WOW !!! Your exact words are mine "right now."We living a parallel lives my friend. I'm stuck in limbo and question my existence.
"Oh, trauma bonding, that sounds pretty wholesome to connect to people who have trauma like you. I guess you could maybe confuse that with love"
"Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment that we can form with our abuser"
"oh no..."
I also thought trauma bonding was literally bonding over similar traumas, not this type of abusive relationship. I really wish it had a different name. 😅
This original comment is literally me. Just got corrected by a friend today & then watched this video. Yes, I wish it could have a different name. It seems a lot of people misunderstand this thing...
Great video, Kati
Thankfully I'm an introvert, so I always been able to draw myself away from my abusive narcissistic mother and gaslighting sisters.
I hope other people, who are not as lucky as I am for being more emotionally independent, to learn to work their emotions out in order to detach themselves from those not so charming vampires.
Thank you! I have PTSD and it is either I trust them too much or not at all... This helps me to know who I should invest my time in.
Yep i try too explain this too people who say "its been 9 years why are you not over your ex" as too why i cant date people, but too explain im over them as a person but not the words they used people just dont understand that, which i understand it is hard even for me to grasp haha. Weird living with PTSD
My mum doesn't believe my mental health, eating, emotional, trauma, sleep, coping mechanisms and more, are real, true.
My dad abandoned me when I was 16, it happened after he realized I was selfharming, he told me before he broke our relationship to shatters, " that if I don't stop selfharming he will disown me " he is in my life yet I HATE how he makes me feel.
If you’re in a trauma bond and each person is in therapy and working on self awareness, can things move to a healthy place?
Regarding the "Seeing our friends and family" - I am in a marriage with someone who is emotionally enmeshed with her sister who monopolizes and controls my wife by making all of the critical demands, and getting angry at her if she doesn't get her way. She manipulates her, and it's hard on our marriage. I do ask my wife to set up some more time boundaries with her because of this toxic dynamic. Her sister ruined our marriage by getting my wife into compulsive spending. My wife spent $80k in compulsive credit card debt in 18 months. Be very careful about the idea of supporting relationships with "friends and family". Not all of them are healthy relationships.
The thing is that is easier said than done. To get up and leave? Why is it hard? We sometimes wait until we literally had enough. And that we don’t just care anymore to leave.
Because even abusive relationships have good times, and we remember those during the bad ones in order to stay in it, and hope they’ll return to the good person we used to know. And we still love them despite the abuse. And we don’t have an identity outsude of the relationship anymore due to the coercive control. And we may not have any financial resources of our own to establish a stable new life. And finally, the cumulative effects of abuse make you live In survival mode, your prefrontal cortex shuts down (the part that makes decisions and plans and executes tasks) so as a result we feel stuck. 😢❤
It’s the dopamine our body releases in the “honeymoon” time … we literally get addicted to it feels like we are doing something against our will to work things out when we try to move away … because at the same time our body knows it will get dopamine if we go back…
Thank you, this is helping me get clear that my relationship is unhealthy and I need to get free . You could talk about what makes it hard for people who suffered emotional abuse in childhood to break free from a trauma bond
I ended up on antidepresants from 3 years of narcissistic abuse, that i mistakengly though was love. Its been 40 days of no contact and Im still very sad about it.. empty and devastated by the loss of "love" of my life.
Thank you Kati, your videos really helped me on my way to healing.. Im seeking therapist and there is a lot of improovement.. you are doing a great service to the world, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you Kati, it helps me to understand my previous relationship
🫶🫶🫶
Bedankt
Thank you for admitting that you can get trauma-bonded at church. I had no idea that was happening to me because it’s never talked about.
I was married to a narcissist. Trauma bond relationship of 5 years. 3 kids and 2 psych hospital stays (me and her) child services involvement.... I realized I was fucked up from it when I felt numb being loved by family......If I didn't make the choice to find real help I would've not been here. I'm also writing an autobiography about all this. Keep pushing.
I think I am still experiencing PTSD from narcissistic abuse. In this case it was my ex-best friend. (Emphasis on the "ex"). We were friends for years, we were more than brothers, until I ended it. My therapist diagnosed trauma after the relationship ended, and it took nearly two years of therapy to do so. Now I'm in a space where I try to break patterns and move on. I have a boss who is extremely manipulative, authoritarian and disorganized and I'm trying to quit my job at the moment. He already has driven 4 people to quit with his behaviour.
I dealt with this with my brother. When we both went to therapy and stopped complaining about abusive parents all the time, we started to grow apart. It was like we didn't have anything in common anymore.
Thats not what a trauma bond is. Common misconception. A trauma bond i between an abuser and their victim. You’re describing about bonding over mutual trauma, but that’s not what the phrase trauma bond actually refers to.
Interesting! Thank you for making these videos. They are so helpful for people.
Thank you so much 🫶
Trying to end a bad relationship. We’re both in the wrong. I’m tempted to send this to him but I think the first step towards ending it for good is to not even bother. His number is blocked. It’s staying that way.
Ending a friendship with a gaslighter was the best decision I've ever made. I sent him a short, neutral e-mail, waited for a reply, and then blocked him everywhere without responding to him. He'd constantly make me question my memory. If I called him out on it, he'd either mock me or dismiss me. He'd get so angry whenever I mentioned talking to other friends, but he'd freely talk about meeting different friends for dinner. Twice, he bragged to me that he thought he was a great liar. That still gives me the chills. I bought a gaslighting workbook that's helped me a lot.
Thank you for this I spent the last 5 years of relationship dealing with stuff like this and the last 2 years mentally healing. And now that I'm doing so much better I see so vividly the people I care about in my life that are dealing with the same thing.
This was perfect and I shared to like 4 people today HAHA.
I love everything you post its been a huge help and I thank you for keeping up what you do its amazing and reaches so many more people then you think it might. :D
Love your content will always be a follower.
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing! I'm glad to hear that you are on a path of mental wellness :) Keep being awesome Kory!
@@Katimorton Yeah Im in the best place mentally then I have in prob my whole life. Spent the last 2 years healing and making myself know that I'm not in survival mode anymore like I have been my whole life. Its weird crazy scary and amazing all at the same time.
I Love everything you put out and the attention you put to your community.
Im huge into marketing and business just in general. and I have a small suggestion while I have you lol.
Check out making a discord for your community I think its one of the best ways to build a solid community these days and really can be a great central station for your biggest fans to stay up to date with your content as well as speaking to like minded people that also love your content.
Thats my suggestion while I had the applebox for a few moments LOL have an amazing day and thanks for everything.
Oh wow, now we are able to differentiate the difference between trauma bonding and love, great content!
Katie
I do not know if you will see my message , but my trauma bond has been unbreakable. I left her went no contact fir six weeks. She was physical abusing me, claiming it was a response to me emotionally hurting her. Anyway after 7 weeks no contact she enticed me to hook up with her. Then I started helping her $$ wise. She would push pull me , love me not love me. We were having weeklybs33gs. Now I am so trauma bonded to her. I am so afraid to let her go. I know I have to but I just can not. Even my coach is now yelling at me !
Ugh! Ugh!
I was never trauma bonded ! This is crazy we have only benn married three years and known each other 3.5 years !
Have you ever had a baby & called your mother to tell her about it [in spite of incest allegations she admitted then denied] to only hear about her life? Yeah same
Off topic from your video, but what's your opinion on online therapy is it worth it or should one seeking out in person session?
Fantastic video explaining the trauma bond! Everyone dealing with a narcissist, should hear this video, and save it to reference often!
So much you touched on honestly almost everything you said I could agree or recall some type of interaction with my "fiance "😢 I know I need to take our daughter and leave him alone for good. He will literally call me names verbally abusing me, cause arguments, Blame me for things I didn't do and then tell me calm down and that he loves me SMH... I sincerely pray we make it out alive and I pray that everybody who's in an abusive relationship can find strength within to leave safely
My ex tried to strip me off all my friendships. He literally used to get mad if i meet my best friends. I started feeling isolated from everyone else except him. I Left!
Also looks and feels like Empathy Fatigue - which is defending or putting efforts to be there for someone you deeply care about, who is being abused and you feel helpless because the situation is out of your, and most importantly, their control. Empathy fatigue is because you are loving and loyal. Like a love burnout. Blaming the person being abused that you cant help because it's not something in either of your control...is not loving. It's an incorrectly informed evaluation of a situation. And that person probably still needs your support to get out from the abuse.
Great video! I’m an army chaplain, and will be using this video to help couples see their trauma bonds. The video is concise and we’ll presented for an a audience that has not understood this dynamic.
Thank you Katie❤️
Thank you 🫶
IM TRIGGERED ps. Love you and almost everything you do. Other than dragging yourself through the mud you were born into. Keep breaking those generational curses! Love Love you
Thank you . I appreciate your content so much
Thank you for this video. This is absolutely what I was going through. Absolutely everything fits him dramatically
Thank you, Kati
Thank you for making this video
I needed to hear this thank you Katie and everything you continue to do 🙏
Great video .. also I really like the way you are doing your hair ( I know off topic) but it really suits you ! Thanks for all the great vids
Thank you, Kati! Your videos are so helpful...
It took a few years but I finally had to accept my best friend of nine years was a trauma bond. We were always platonic but partners that I did have told me how uncomfortable my friend made them. And then so many unnecessary fights where I tried to defend my friend.
But she showed her true colors at the end anyway.
Thank you for this video. I feel like colloquially people have been misusing the term and idea of trauma bonding.
love you thanks for sharing
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Can a relationship ever move from a trauma bond to actual love with interpersonal respect as its focus?
I don't think so. I think in a trauma bonded relationship, it's always best to leave. Both sides can get separate therapy or whatever help necessary, but I think after trauma, it's just not worth trying to fix the relationship itself. Better to find someone new who gives you freedom and respect who you can trust. That's my personal opinion.
Also want to add that a relationship can be loving but not healthy. Love is not all people should look for in relationships.
my last relationship went from love to a tramua bond over time. It's basically impossible to get it back to love.
That reminds me particularly of my father experiences were a combination of really great, and really horrible. Even as a child, I saw it as him trying to balance a scale with good deeds.
Kati Morton. Another good and helpful interesting video and as always plenty of advice about Trauma bonding and also explaining codependency to add I have often felt I'm nothing without a relationship all my relationship s never worked out
It breaks my heart to believe this is what has happened,i thought he was my soul mate
Hi Kati. I hope you'll respond to this, if possible. As an LMFT, what is your take on the trauma bond from and anxious-avoidant, pursuer-withdrawer perspective? I'm interested in the idea that preoccupied attachment and avoidant attachment are 2 sides of the same coin (versions of narcissism, disorders of the self). In EFT therapy, the goal is to externalize "the cycle" in which neither person's needs are being met. Couldn't one argue that a trauma bond is just an insecure attachment cycle left to fester? Where both people become highly reactive to each other through repeated moments of disconnection? I think this is what I believe. I'm not sure I believe there is always one partner who is much more abusing than the other. When we talk about emotional abuse (versus more obvious types of abuse) couldn't it be argued that in any insecure relationship, both partners are suffering equally? Just for different reasons? Thanks for sharing your knowledge!
Thanks so much Kati. Love your videos xx
Exactly like this. Thank you Kati.
so interesting thx Katie have a good day
❤❤❤❤❤Thank you so much for this informative video 💕. I knew I needed to talk to someone but not who love. You possibly just saved me, frfr, on soooo many levels. You don't even know!!! God bless you, through Jesus' name! ❤❤❤❤❤❤ You are amazing. Subscribed! 🙏🏿
Ohhh this makes sense, I thought trauma bonding was when you connect/relate to people who have gone through similar trauma in life and you feel a sense of comfort and connection because of it…nvm lol
A trauma bond has occurred for me, and I don't know how to break it. There isn't even a sense of love, but I want to apologize for their behavior. It also doesn't look like how trauma bonds are described in video. It can be more subtle and happen over small moments.
After watching this, i realized one of my ex’s from years ago, had this, not with me but with her ex boyfriend and she still kept him around and was friends with him, and she would say how he did all of these horrible things to her, and I never understood why she would want to have someone like that in her life and it got me so mad, now I know thanks Kati
Did she ever go back to him?
Hi Kati!👋🏼 How are you doing? Are you ok? Just thinking of you❣️
Just wanted to add that you could both be harming each other accidentally in ways you don't see BC of gender differences (love and respect) or things like avoidant vs anxious attachment and you could both be trauma bonded by the unintentional 'abuse'. This was my situation with my ex and we were on and off for 14 years.
But neither of us asked the other not to see their own family.
Finding a trauma therapist that understands the codependent/narcissist relationship has been really hard. I have been through 4 therapists and only one understood what it is, but was unwilling to help, due to being unable to get the narcissist in to talk to him. I'm trying the online service Better Help, but I am becoming convinced she doesn't have a clue either. If you have any suggestions for an online counseling service, please let me know.
Merci pour ta vidéo
Yes this is exactly how I felt honestly for a really long time especially when my friends
found this after bonding to one of my traffickers and a couple clients after being kidnapped and sold and worked.
I miss them, the traffickers. and the clients. I found a couple after rehab and they are terrible people. 😅 still miss them tho.
Kati please stop reading my mind lol
😳
Kati if it's possible could you make another video about BDD? I've been following your channel for a year trying to work on my BPD and anxiety before therapy started, it actually starts in a few weeks and had a re-diagnose, still have BPD as I expected but also got a new diagnose of BDD. I wasn't sure if I had it, felt recognizable hearing other people's stories but always thought "but they are not ugly they are pretty but I really do look like a monster". I did see 2 of your videos about BDD and again, very recognizable... Thank you so much for what you do! 💖
Well explained! As heinous as this kind of abuser is, I still find myself pitying them (and their kids) for functioning this way. Why don't they realize how miserable they are... or do they and just ignore it even as they throttle the life out of all their relationships before smugly claiming they weren't meant to be? I don't know which is worse! Being that way must feel like having a constant migraine. OMG do I need therapy?! 😂🤣
Good video
My bestfriend is attached to my due to trauma bond..I want break it ..i don't know how to make him realise that it's not working between us ..I am the one always hurting him
One caveat regarding someone saying that they don't want you to see your family (if this was the ONLY thing they did): if that someone had observed some toxic, nasty stuff that people were doing to you but it was so 'normal' to you that you never even noticed, that would be completely different. But they may not communicate it to you in a way that makes you see it or believe it- or they might be too embarrassed to even describe what they saw. A lifetime of ass-grabbing, for example, by male members of the group, that I, for example, never noticed until it was pointed out to me by a date I brought to a family gathering --always consider what people say, and use your logic and experience to discover the truth. Having stated that; Don't let ANYONE tell you who you can or cannot see!
In my situation, I think both of us had similar traumas and we were hurting each other from those states. So not necessarily that there was one "good person" and one abuser.
I don't the apologies or the love bombing. Just the abuse and then acting like nothing happened the next day or days later between silent treatment or walking away from teying to talk. All emotional abuse. Finding it hard to walk away as I'm feeling incredibly guilty by the thought of leaving tkem on their own.
I'm not isolated in any way or don't feel in any way that I'm responsible. I'm just struggling with the idea of walking away from what I know isn't healthy....
I have a friend with CPTSD that has a trauma bond with her mom. She hides what she can and never told her about it. She's afraid to lose her despite everything esp as her mom changed over time for the better.
The family isolation was unreal, the waking up the next day and saying that did not happened., Alcoholic, Liar...Bad with Money. Constant I Love I Love, then turn around and cus me out‼️
My recent ex is trauma bonded to her narcissistically abusive ex husband. It made her extremely avoidant and she discarded me a couple months ago. It still hurts like hell.
Thank you so much
What's it called if they literally are misrembering the events? Are you supposed to stay silent and let them continue lying and living in an alternate reality to avoid being labeled as a gaslighter?
Reason I ask, is because my wife is a narcissist who is very controlling. I catch myself noticing her misrepresenting facts and if i call her out on it, she says Im gaslighting. Theres no way to have a constructive conversation when someones version of the actual events has always and will always deviate from the truth.
She told me she hated me and wanted a divorce on Christmas Eve, but later said that i was the one who asked for the divorce, and then had the audacity to say that she knew that i would ruin Christmas. Absolutely blew my mind.
How does trauma bonding affect the children of the adults with the bond?
Pretty sure i had this with a girl i was seeing, as she said she had trauma bonded before. Was really naive and didnt know what it meant, i thought it was just connecting and having empathy for past trauma but damn was i wrong. The mind fuck this girl would ensue in my brain was indescribable, but felt so fucking bad for what happened to her and hated the state i would leave her in if i left when i wanted. I still feel bad lol i pretty sure she has ptsd from everything she went through and probably more but. The moment it was over, even though i definitely stayed to long, was she would just refuse to get help that she needed and relied on me to just stay with her "until" she got better. no no no. So red flag if someone said they had done it before
you should do a video analyzing the characters of euphoria. so many of us are teens and young adults and would love to hear your thoughts
I may be saying this because I'm struggling, but is there any way to help them realize what they are doing and maybe they eventually change..? Or is it a never ending cycle?
Today I stood in a field and watched a flock of starlings and thought that all of their troubles are nothing compared to mine, the snow clouds loomed in the distance and I yearned for my abusive partner. The one who has gone silent on me again, the one who is my oxygen. I'm so tired. I lost my parents a few years ago and was lost, got hooked up with this magical saviour who sent me straight to hell. I'd cut my own skin off if she asked me to. It is the worst thing in the world, but it is my oxygen.
This is why I'm single. I have never had a healthy relationship and anytime someone is healthy with me I don't trust it, and am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It’s weird… my last partner claimed we are trauma bonded.. she’s moved on every time we were seperate… and I never understood why I still miss her and ponder things like “trauma bonding”..
now I understand that she was correct… but that I the one traumatised…
(I still miss her so much). And have been constantly trying to address all the emotional ?… STUFF… that she always brought up and researching the terms she used… it’s been over for a year… but here I am still trying to work out where I went wrong…
that made my eyes leak…
@Hypergamous Wife sue claimed a lot of these new terms. That I’ve had to research… from Abuse to toxic relationship ?.. non of which I can see my self as the main cause of… we both have Trauma … and she has used it against me at ever chance.. (like I’m some angel that can just grasp every one of her issues straight away … be walked away on all the time and not bring it up when she comes back). she basically lied to herself and to me about her availability… (that’s what I’m starting to figure out).. but it’s hurt to look up all the crap in her head… that she focused on me for three years…. I feel totally lost now after putting in so much work…. On a lost cause…. And it makes me feel there is something whiting with me… and that she actually was the ONLY person correct about me?.. (which is illogical…) edits…
WRONG with me
She not sue.
Hey Kati! I’ve been struggling with anxiety for about a year now! And I’m thinking I have social anxiety disorder, and I really wanna talk to the school counselor but I don’t know what to say? I’ve started school about a month ago and every morning I’m a,ways almost miss the bus cause I take so long to get ready and keep stressing about how I look and I always feel like ever will judge me. And today I had a presentation and kept stressing and felt sick! And I always get anxious around people! So what should I say to the coupler?? Thanks😊
How would you differ between seperation/ abandonment issues and trauma bonding.
my husband does the last one…
that is the only one. should I be REALLY concerned?
Thank you!