🙌Fear of intimacy may also be attached to childhood emotional neglect. 👉 See the 9 signs of Childhood emotional neglect and find tips to recover here: th-cam.com/video/q7Nlxwgy79U/w-d-xo.html 🙌
Hi Kati! I wanted to say thank you for making these videos focused on action. Too often I find videos about mental health that describe the problem but provide no solution. The action steps from your video on CEN have really helped me to heal and I'm glad I found this video as well. Thank you, again!!!
I struggle with intimacy that has any level of romantic or sexual implications. I don’t understand why my fear is so strong. It doesn’t feel justified because I’ve had a good up bringing and a relatively sheltered childhood.
Do your parents use to hug you or kiss you ???? Hold your hands ?? Sleep with you ? Comfort you ?? Were they open minded that you can share anything with them ??? They respect your space or privacy?? If yes ! Then Idk cause you should seek professional. If NO then it's your childhood trauma . I went through same . My parents gave all materialistic things to me but they never really showed affection to me ! As 19 year old adult I crave praises , affection, comfort and physical affection. No matter how much I need all this . I can't accept it because of fear of abandonment . I can't trust anyone . As a medical student being healthy mentally, physical and spiritual comes first for me . I'm working on my self but people around me aren't that same . They don't even know they're adult babies !! They haven't grown up mentally. Imagine they're going to be future doctor and they don't have any idea how mental health is important. Seeing them making fun of someone have psychological problems I feel terrible. I never told I have any trauma or problems. I better treat my self silently
The shame behind sex and intimacy when you’re sheltered can be worse. Idk if your family is religious, a know lost shelters families are, and religion shames sex a lot.
I’m so glad somebody said: that “fake it till you make it” stuff DOES NOT WORK. I definitely employ ‘fake it till you make it’ tactics to go through my day sometimes and it helps fend off some of the bullies walking around in the world. But I’ve been doing it for years. And that in itself, has not changed my view of myself. Deeper work has to be done. It can help on a shallow level but not it does not rectify the broken pieces of yourself. It’s wishful to think that it does. Otherwise, I would not still have to be “faking it” - I would have “made it” by now. Lol
I like to call it "fake it till you fake it" because that's all we're practicing. Authentic feelings are more difficult and require vulnerability, especially if we rarely allow or are even capable of vulnerability. A mask is useful for survival, but it's a terrible way to live.
Maybe you could ask them for a temporary break or say that you need some more time to yourself overall? That doesn't mean it has to end completely. And its also okay to not share absolutely everything, whether its physical items or something you want to keep secret
I crave for intimacy sometimes but it's scary when things get serious. It's because of trauma, bullying that made my self esteem sink and idk how to cope with that no matter how hard I try. It's exhausting.
You’re like push and pull it’s really hard exhausting and you can’t explain yourself enough cause they won’t understand that you need help more than anything
For me it was a fear of sexual intimacy. This was helped by the guy I finally slept with being really in touch with my reactions and kept checking in anytime I started to look a little unsure. He made it clear I was in control 100% of the time
@@eo6637 because of triggers that’s what implemented the fear, when I did decide to have sex which I was very nervous during, the man I was with took it slowly ensuring I was ok at each stage such as I was ok to cuddle, moving into a kiss etc etc. this wasn’t a jump into sex straight away thing there were plenty of times where things got heated between us and I got too uncomfortable to move any further, he proved that I was always in control so I knew that at any point I could say “no” or that I wanted to stop and he would stop immediately. This build up allowed me to adjust to the different stages to find how I was feeling every step of the way.
@@blackwidow5105 Your reply does make me realize how badddddd I am if your description is "fear of intimacy". You were very fortunate to not have PTSD. Even the thought of being alone in the same room with a man, let alone touch, makes me feel like vomiting, heart racing, panic, tunnel vision, flashbacks...
@@eo6637 everyone deals with it in there own way I’m so sorry that you suffer with PTSD. I think for me it was more the fear of having control taken away due to past events rather than the actual act of sex itself. Had my past experience gone further than what it had maybe that would have been different. As I say it took many baby steps before I felt comfortable to go to different stages. Even now there are parts of my body which are still no go zones, to some this seems silly and hard to understand but to me they are a trigger. And if and when this happens I do experience panic, and memories but thankfully no longer flashbacks and it doesn’t take me as long to ground myself now. The one other thing I try to avoid is a certain aftershave, I honestly never knew smells could trigger until my now ex partner had brought a certain aftershave (unknowingly) and it ended up being one of my biggest triggers, thankfully he got rid of it and never wore it around me again. I really hope you are doing ok
@@blackwidow5105 Thanks. I’m not doing ok quite honestly. Can I ask a question that might sound harsh but how did you find someone willing to deal with your anxiety? I’ve never experienced anyone willing to wait for me, so I’m struggling to understand what you “have” that I don’t have that makes you so worthwhile and valuable that this guy sticks with you despite not getting to do whatever he wants. Like do you look like Megan fox? Do you have the best personality known to man? Are you funny? What is it that makes someone respect you and wait for you? Genuinely wondering because I am so miserable
The worst is when you think you’re overcoming the fear of intimacy and abandonment, and then they leave you further reinforcing your fears making them even bigger than they were before. 😨
No kidding man... I was with this girl for the last 8 years only to find out she was a covert narcissist and never even liked me let alone love me at all the entire time...I know this because she straight up told me that on the last day I saw her as she progressively and strategically turned the last 2 years of us being together into one hell of a nightmare sideshow circus man... Between being constantly caught back and forth of the wtf mind games, confusion, deceit, scandalous happenings, feeling betrayed... It took my soul away for real I don't even feel like I used to be and I'm struggling like I'll never find myself again.... Ive told her things in my life no one else knows as well and in good faith too... well she turned around and used a ton of them to exploit me to everyone man. She weaponized everything I've told her when I was in a vulnerable state. So many things man...so many. The worst part about this too is that shv was my first and only relationship I've ever had or been in my entire life and I'm 32... So it's all I know of that I have nothing to compare it too so Im stuck thinking that's what it is and why would anyone want that so bad what's the hype for just to get everything come crashing down and shattering everything in your being. And for goodness sake if you think your with someone who is a narcissist or has tendencies.... Run, get away from them now, I don't care what you gotta do but just go. Don't even say anything just take the car and go don't ever look back because I miss how I once was before her and all the madness I never saw coming and you won't see it coming until your already caught and basically screwed already. This shit being in a relationship with her wasn't worth losing myself over. As much as I thought I wanted to be with someone like the rest of the world...she really fuxkd me up enough to ask myself why does everyone like doing this and want this to be part of their lives if this is how it is and where you wind up at? After that experience I feel like it's a joke or something. I had a ton of love to give and now I feel like an empty shell and majorly abandoned how she went about leaving and everything leading up to that point... after 8 years man... Wtf
LITERALLY ME I've always struggled with fear of intimacy because of being ridiculed and made fun of for my sensitivity as guy. It's still not accepted to not be a macho man and people are so quick to out the outliers and makes me want to close off even more. Also I've engaged in self-help almost excessively to make my self worth it. There's so much pressure to be a High Value Individual instead of yourself and that makes me feel worse cause I know I'm not what most men and women are looking for.
Honestly the type of partner I’m looking for is someone who is also highly sensitive, I get frustrated a lot bc I don’t seem to see the type of partner I want in our work-driven and often cruel society. So, hang in there 🤍 There are others out there like us!
This hits home to me! I’m helping a guy friend of mine through the same issue as we are both outliers lol. Me being not ladylike doesn’t make me less as a woman and it doesn’t automatically mean I’m gay haha. Now that I embrace my masculine traits and stop neglecting my feminine traits, I feel better than ever. Best of luck to you!
Yeah, my parents were pretty good but my classmates made it extremely clear for years that the idea of anyone ever liking me was ridiculous and that any signs of vulnerability were dangerous, and there's some part of that they never 100% goes away.
I've been struggling to overcome my Intimacy issues for years, but first I have to tackle other things. I was physically abused at home growing up, and at the age of 14 I got sexually assaulted in the bathroom by two other students, and then raped twice in my early 20's. Then when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship like 3 years after my 2nd rape, I told him about my past and was asked if I have aids -- which is no -- and it progressed to gaslighting from there. And lots of other bullshit. I've either been a punching bag or an object to people. So it's hard for me to even shake hands or hug anyone.
Really struggling with this. I always had a hard time bonding with people, and I had a 6 year relationship where we were seriously talking about being engaged. She broke up with me and since then I have had some casual relationships but when the initial spark and new thing dies out I get overwhelmed with anxiety and I just can’t handle it
My problem with this subject is that when I put out feelers to try to develop an emotional relationship with friends, it's not reciprocated, or even acknowledged. I don't have any close friends. Not sure what I'm doing wrong. It's more than just a few people not being a good fit.
I'm about to blow a potential beautiful relationship some time in the next few weeks because I'm terrified of the idea of a male romantic interest getting to know me better. I knew it the moment he said these exact words "To be honest with you, I want to get to know you better." and I was internally dying haahhahsh
@@Anna133199 Oh God thank youu! It was kind of a rant, I never thought someone would see it so it means a lot 💜 It is totally up to me if I'm gonna "ruin" this relationship or not but you know how it is, I'm just simply terrified. I thought about telling him exactly how I feel but then i started overthinking about how he may think that there are things truly wrong with me. I don't usually care really but when you like someone, you unfortunately care too much I guess 😅 I hope things turn out to be great for you as well! I really hope that you find that courage in you to be who you want & with who you wanna be with. Again, thank you 🙂💜
This comment resonates with me so much. I find it very difficult to open up to people I have an interest in. I feel ashamed to human, to have emotion, mental health problems, and I have these great fear of sex and intimacy. I always keep my physical and emotional distance from others and I don't touch anyone, I prefer to wave than to shake hands etc. I'm in a pickle at the moment because I like this guy and I asked him if he is seeing someone/girlfriend etc and he sounds like he is interested in me, but now I'm all scared to continue talking to him, in case I develop super strong feelings and start getting all mental and emotional and then he is gonna give up me thinking I'm a nutcase. I'm also worried that if things do develop between us, that my fear of sex is gonna cause a huge problem for both of us coz I can't do it unless I trust someone, but trust does t come overnight. It takes ages to build trust and most people who are comfortable with sex can't wait. I'm trying to find a way to swiftly get over my fear of sex so I can finally have a normal relationship with someone. I really hope you are all coping and doing well to improve on your mental/emotional struggles. All the best to all of you.
@@Katimorton I'm having a great week, thank you!! I hope the same for you and Sean obviously :) I like that that's what you think of when you see my messages ❤️ I've been in a slump for months (I blame my meds) but I want to pick up digital art again once I've saved enough to get an iPad
Thank you. Have listened to this about 2 and half times already. I have a lot of trouble with intimacy and lately had a rough experience that was very healing and now very regressive. Basically met a guy, we started “talking” and first couple times we hung out in person he was so open with me and I was so open with him and for the first time in my life it was just… easy. So brain did the whole love at first sight dopamine and norepinephrine flood thing so we stayed up all night just talking both of the first times without the conversation ever stopping. Was really great… then he passed away out of nowhere. So yeah, unfortunately was in between therapists so am having to wait to professionally work through that but I’m very curious if the self-healing from having that time with him will still be there when I’m ready to try again with another guy in the future or if it’ll make it even harder to be emotionally intimate.
I was sexually harassed by my classmates when I was 13-14. They touched me without my consent. They made sexual jokes about me. The teachers acted like it was my fault. I felt so much shame, I couldn't tell my parents about it. I got really depressed, even when it stopped ( I started a new school) I wanted to die. It took me years to somewhat over come this, I was 20 when I first started caring about sexual things. I never had a relationship because I am so afraid of being just a joke again, just a toy. I had chances, but whenever someone touches me, I want to throw up. This is awful, I want a healthy relationship, I want romantic love, but I just can't. I am so mad at those boys, they ruined my life. I almost ended my life because of them. I am just so mad and sad, and I feel hopeless. My university offers free therapy, I have been thinking about it, for months now. But I just feel like I am a lost case, and I would just waste their time. Sorry for ranting, I don't do this normally, and sorry for my grammar, I am not a native speaker.
May I offer my meager opinion? You are NOT a "lost case" and NOT a waste of a therapist's time. The type of trauma you endured is significant and exactly what therapy is good for. And the fact that you can get therapy for free is just frosting on the cake! You can call the therapist's office and say you want to talk to someone experienced with childhood sexual abuse. Good luck.
Hey, I just found your comment to be very touching and I wanted to tell you that there's still hope. You have identify what you want and how to (by trying to go to therapy) or looking at this channel :p . You're not a lost case or a waste of time, you matter and you know that the first relationship you have to heal is the one you have with you for now. I went to therapy after I lost my mom, it was hard but I knew i needed it. After the covid it took me months to take that appointement to go see a new therapist. I thought I could never do it but I did, even if it was very, very hard this time. It's ok to be scared, or to take your time. My point being : you can do this. I hope you'll find strength to go see one, your well being worth it ! ❤🩹
Thank you for sharing, your story truly moved me and I can relate. You don't have to apologize for anything, what happend is not your fault, you are not a waste of time. Everyones experience is uniq but i want you to know that you are not alone eventough i know it might feel that way ❤️ A big struggle for me was how sociaty really puts pressure on us to be in a relationship at a certain age. Adding that anxiety to us who already struggle with relationships is so unhelpful. When you are ready for it is up to you and you only. I struggle with shame and fear intimicy and I have never been in a relationship either, im turning 25 soon. I have always wanted it but the fear have been in the way. I have low self esteem and struggle with self worth. For me it was not until i was 23 that I decided to go for love if it came my way. Fun thing was that soon after it did show up and in the form of someone i really trust. Unfortunatly our insecurities stopped us a bit but we're still working on it. Something thats been very healing to me is learning about vulnerability and shame and to start healing the relationship to myself. Not dealing with my fears by trying to fix me but rather learning im enough. Intimicy is still hard but im healing, aiming for progress rather then perfection. It's not easy but its woth it. Sending you love and support and I wish you feel better soon ❤️❤️❤️
Stop thinking about therapy and just do it. Everybody should. Even those people that look perfect and with no problems in life need therapy. Stop procrastinating and finding excuses, I know how you feel, I waited all my life for a therapy that would have been much easier when I was a child. The more time passes by, the harder the therapy. Call now if you haven't done so in the meanwhile. I will cross my fingers for you!
Y'all stay strong. I don't know anyone here or anyone's backround. I think though we need strength to grab on something, I am so scared of talking I talk thousands of times a day from different perspectives and it's always me. Maybe opening up here will be better than some of us being stuck in our heads. I have no way of reaching, so I know that if you read this, every ounce of strength I can, I share with y'all.
I took some notes in case it's helpful for someone. **TIPS**: 1) Understand where the fear is coming from. Common reasons: child neglect, shame, low self-esteem, fear of rejection, perfectionism, past relationship trauma... 2) Get to know yourself, take you out on a date. What do YOU want? What are YOUR needs? 3) Watch your self-talk. Bridge between negative and positive, aka "less negative". "I'm open to the possibility of..." 4) Understand your levels of comfort. Evaluate different types of people: strangers, acquaintance, friend, family, close friend, loved one, and which are the things you're comfortable with each of them, which things they should or shouldn't know about you. 5) Inner child work. Speak in form of letters and treat yourself with compassion to heal. Know and work on your traumas and seek help if needed. Thank you Kati! This was a lifesaver, take care 💙💙
I only had fears of intimacy with myself, so naming my inner child was something I did, to push myself through the doors of embracing, and not to just hang onto the frame, but framed my mind to respect Him (inner child)
The struggle is real! I've wanted a relationship but dating was so exhausting and emotionally taxing, I wasn't available emotionally to any of them. I'm afraid of others getting close, and it takes me a very long time to attach to and feel safe with people (we practically need to be friends first...) My parents were good providers but both absent emotionally and mentally and one was a bully/neglectful too. Accepting affection, even imagining it, makes me skin crawl and want to cry. I'm trying to reparent myself and get over it but man is it hard.
I have always struggled. I had a horrible experience at age 15, my innocence was robbed from me I was assaulted. I started talking with a therapist just a year ago and I have a very hard time opening up and talking about it. It triggers bad anxiety, memories and nightmares. Sometimes I want to end with therapy just to avoid the pain 😞
Hi Kati, I know it's not one of your usual topics or 'areas of expertise' necessarily, but I was wondering if you could do a video about LGBTQ+ specific mental health, given that there are some distinct mental health issues and sources of these issues. Love your chanel and thanks for this great video!
So, I think a lot of the "personality" elements you mentioned that could be why a person has fear of intimacy apply to me- such as things like perfectionism, But - I want to be clear I do not have childhood trauma from an adult in my life. I think it's important when you make some of these videos, to make it clear that it doesn't always mean we have trauma from our caregivers. Sometimes, it seems like in many videos you always want to connect it to this. For me, I think the bulk of it came from being picked on in school as well as my own innate personality trait of perfectionism and anxiety (which my dad also has).
Childhood trauma doesn't always mean physical abuse or anything traumatic. Just experiencing your dad have anxiety can be a form of trauma that affected you. I learned that my trauma was not learning how to be open about my feelings with my parents. So that is a part of trauma. I wish experts would remind everyone that trauma doesn't have to be something extreme like neglect or abuse. It could be subtle things that are considered trauma.
You are correct because this is me too... I just wish I knew how to work with it and get passed this so I wouldn't shut down at times making me feel so awkward to uncomfortable then the woman tells me she feels like I rejected her which isn't the case which then makes me feel even worse off because that's not what I intended at all.... Yeah. It's really difficult and not one woman has been able to even be cool enough to think or ask me am I ok it's just go into being pissed off to throwing out a bunch of hateful words that really puts somebody that's already down , so much further down on top of that and ultimately leaves me with more crap compiled with the last few I tried to be intimate with. It's unreal trying to get comfortable enough to open up at all I feel doomed
Levels of comfort… yes, I have my levels of comfort but how do I know what the right level of comfort is for a particular type of relationship? Many years back when I was actually looking for emotional relationships more than one person got frustrated they couldn’t get beyond a certain level and I didn’t know what they wanted nor how to make it happen… those relationships never lasted, and the long term arms-length relationships I got into eventually ended too… so what is an emotional relationship’s level of comfort supposed to be? And what is a level of comfort in a sexual relationship even supposed to mean?
I got really emotional when I saw the thumbnail and it seems like the best video ever, but I'm really struggling to write a review article rn and might have to wait a tiny bit to sit down and feel things. But thank you in advance - honestly anything helps, even just addressing and taking time to think about these things, and it's always been a very central and extreme issue in my life.
Thank you for saying that the "fake it till you make it" doesn't work. I've felt that for a while re: my self talk, and it's nice to hear a professional say it aloud. I just can't intrinsically /believe/ the whole "you're awesome and you're worth it!" sort of self talk, it almost sounds like I'm being condescending to myself. THANK YOU!
Them finding out the "real" you, is actually them finding out another part of you. A part among many others. They like some parts of you, they dislike some of them, but they love YOU. Partners and friends leave us when we turn the bad parts into a bigger problem than they actually are. Therapy exists to teach us how to communicate the complicated parts, express emotions better, it can take years, but it is so so worth it.
You spoke about great topics, a greater level of approach for me. And luckily, I found myself stronger. And at the moment I clearly saw how high self-esteem is also uncomfortable. Another madness of this reality we live in. Maybe I'm wrong, but today I'm unfortunately isolating myself because I see that the fact that I love myself so much makes me face people making faces, and I'm sick of it! In the the end, am I stuck in the same situation of fear of intimacy? It's more like yes, but even so I'm not going to get discouraged, despite the moments of crisis, and I want to evolve every day. 🙏
When I was like 8 or something (I can't even remember...) my brothers friend caused me some trauma (my brother didnt know. Still doesnt) and that shit still affects me today! Ever since, I've been super weird about physical contact with people that I'm not REALLY close with. I'm in a really good relationship right now, and slowly I've been coming around to physical intimacy because he makes me feel safe and comfortable. However some times I still regress back into feelings of uneasiness. Not because I'm uncomfortable with my boyfriend specifically, but because I've never learned how to deal with the idea of someone getting so close to me. I love him a lot but I really want to overcome this deep-rooted fear!
I love this video! I’m definitely gonna do some journal prompts of which stuffs would I be comfortable to share with my coworkers, family and new friends ! I never thought of that, but it will helpful
I never had any relationship with any woman in my life, Never got that physical and emotional connection, If I never had sex in my life, never got that close relationship with any woman, Wanting one great sexual, emotional and physical connection with a woman with whom just as equivalent as me.
I got my answer also, It seems tip no 1 is just for me. I always think tht I hv to be perfect. My body must be perfect and flawless and I'm not deserving.
GOOD MORNING! I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING/BLESSED DAY. PS: THANK YOU FOR THE TH-cam VIDEO. DON’T FORGET YOU ARE LOVE, YOU ARE A POWERFUL THERAPIST/FRIEND/DAUGHTER/PERSON. GOOD, AND BAD DAYS YOU ARE STILL STRONG. I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR STORY/LESSONS/YOUR PURPOSE/KNOWLEDGE IN THE THERAPIST WORLD BECAUSE OF YOU YOU ARE MAKING THE NEXT GENERATIONS STRONGER FOR THE FUTURE BECAUSE OF YOUR TH-cam CHANNEL. ALSO, MAY YOU PLEASE PRAY FOR ME FOR MY MENTAL CLARITY, BECAUSE I NEED IT RIGHT NOW! THANK YOU AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO.
i’m struggling with oversharing too much with people like coworkers. I’ve experienced a lot in the last few years and tend to trauma dump on people if I feel comfortable. I haven’t had coworkers in a while that were on a friendship level and can’t gage if I overshare or cross social boundaries? (I genuinely believe I’m a really good active listener and make people feel comfortable quickly. I try not to interrupt and give people the space first to tell me about their lives if they feel comfortable)
I'm scared that I'm not ready for inner child work - i wanted to attend the workshop but I chickened out. I know I need it but scared it'll be overwhelming, but this is me to a T 🙃
My therapist wanted to lock me up in the insane asylum because I told him about that voice in my head and my gut feeling telling me something was wrong.
The capacity for closeness is the key to the success of any relationship, because it determines how much a person is able to love! Intimacy requires quite a bit of trust. We must have trust in someone in order to reveal the most personal and most confidential parts of ourselves to them, and we must know if we are able to accept the same most personal and most hurtful parts of the other, without them pressing and suffocating us.
finally started seeing a therapist for abandonment anxiety and fear of intimacy and stuff...he left town after two months :( sigh, another brick in the wall :(
Now I realise why I can’t even watch shows with intimate scene. Lol I mean like people sitting too close to each other and I’m absolutely disgusted . Even thanking someone for having a nice day with me , makes me soo quesyyy . I guess I have to work on it
So what are the five types of intimacy? Intellectual, spiritual, romantic, sexual, and recreational, or something along those lines? [nevermind, shoulda waited til the end of the video]
The worst part of this for me is, the impact i have had on my partner when i self-sabotage in any way i can to get away and be alone. I usually regret it soon after, once i have time to realize i am being nuts.
The reason why I fear intimacy (especially sexually) is because I have a weird condition known as PPP which essentially causes me to have many White pearly bumps around the “YKW”. When I was a child I borderline thought I had some sort of std. and therefore I distanced myself from every potential relationship that could develop into something more. I was afraid that I’d be alone forever, but I thought it was the only way. I’m certain that this psychologically damaged me so bad that now when I’m in a relationship I subconsciously push the other person away if I feel we are getting too close.
It honestly ruined my life, there’s this girl who is the most amazing person I’ve ever met, but I ended up pushing her away when things escalated in our relationship. I want her to understand that I really do love her, but idk I feel like I’m cursed to be alone.
I never told my parents as I thought they’d think something weird of me, lol I was a fucking child (9 years old to be exact). Can you imagine what that would do to a little kids brain?
I literally kissed someone and I was shaking because it made me so anxious and nervous. But like I want to be intimate idk I just feel get so scared for no reason
i used to calm myself thinking once i’ll really fall in love this fear will magically go away. sadly, nothing changed and I’m just ruining my first relationship and keeping my partner away from pure happiness he deserves.
Intimacy to me kind of means (In-to-me-see) welcome to my soul! Kind of a bit deep. I have thought that I was just put on this earth incarnation to to have the relationship with my mum whom nobody can surpass. A very timely video as I do wonder why I have a terrible fear of intimacy.
I'm interested in becoming an LMFT. I'm currently a junior in college in New York. How do I know which school to go to? Do you have recommendations? I don't even know where to start.
any grad school that offers a Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy! for example my degree is a Masters of Science in Marital & Family Therapy. so sometimes the names sound a little different, but i would start there! there may be some prerequisites, but that’s a great start to check out🖤
Thank you for your help. The only thing I would change in what you're saying, is the diarrhea part. If you talk to much you should use the word logorrhoea (being logorrheic) which, by the way, sounds almost the same but is not disgusting (personally I'm not sensible to this kind of stuff, but I'm pretty sure many will be). I could be wrong, English is not my mother language.
Wow, thank you for the part about emotional diarrhea with the vulnerability hangover , that was something I didn't think I'd ever hear anybody else say.
When I was 23 years old I was supposed to get married to the woman of my dreams! Anyway I let my controlling father talk me out of it because I'm a short man, he also said " she might take advantage of you, No you can't get married!" I'm now 41 and have a fear relationship 😞oh do to my father saying I'm a short man, has made me lose my confidence, my self esteem, self worth and self love 😢😭😭
Thank.you, working with my therapist to understand intimacy and let others in my life in all areas. Thanks for breaking it down for me understand and seeing the difference. Also reforcing what I am learning in therapy, apply in my relationships Thanks!!!
Intimacy is just too costly. Things are bound to blow up in your face sooner or later, so we’re just saving ourselves the downtime. Just keep things superficial, and there shouldn’t be any drama.
Is it advisable to get over the fear of intimacy? With all the thieves, violence, diseases, liars, and narcissists around, should we let humans get close to us at all? Keeping one's distance from others is not fear of intimacy, it is a survival tactic.
I can barely find anything about growing up with autistic parents and potential damage done by it (unintentionally.) Im pretty sure my empathy skills are severely damaged. It's never a deep dive or scientifically informed. Could you do a video on this topic?
I have a question. How comfortable are most couples actually are with each other? I heard that most couples are actually shy around each other and don't like getting naked around each other, so they avoid getting naked around each other. Most people seem to feel more comfortable around their platonic friends than they do around their romantic partner. Girls changing their clothes in front of a guy is a very friend-zoney thing to do since that means they don't see their guy friend as a sexual being at that point. A girl being comfortable enough to be naked around a guy means he is in the friend-zone. She trusts him as a safe guy. Usually when a girl has that kind of relationship with a guy, it means she feels safe enough around him to believe he won’t try anything. Many girls are comfortable being naked around their platonic male friends because they know that their relationship is nothing more than that of real siblings. So, that means that platonic love is better than romantic love is, and that romantic relationships are not special, while platonic relationships are special.
I’m a young adult and I met this girl at work a while back we where friends and recently we’ve begun dating Ive meet her family and we’re very close we agree on almost everything relationship wise she genuinely seem to care about me she is constantly asking if I’m okay if I’m comfortable she wants to know about my personal life she has nothing to hide and she’s an open book and I love and trust her because of that I’m confident in our relationship but the part where it gets more complicated is I’m a virgin and suffer from extreme anxiety about almost everything I constantly overthink and we’ve been talking about having sex Im very attracted and to be totally honest I want her to be the one to take my virginity but I’m scared I have plans of going to the military and if I get her pregnant I can’t go and pretty much my entire future will be thrown out the window I hold sex to a high regard and want to make sure the person I lose my virginity too is the one for me I’m also nervous about underperforming majority of my knowledge about sex is from porn I have no clue what im doing if anyone is reading this please leave some advice thank you
I used to be very unhygenic from depression and suffered mild physical abuse as a young child. Last year I opened up to my friend about my struggle with platonic touch and my want to get better. And it worked for some time, but recently my social anxiety and trust issues have been getting worse. Last time my bestie and I hung out, they rested their head on my shoulder. This made me uncomfortable even though before I was okay with it. I dont know whats triggered this but all of a sudden Im building the wall again. And I feel I a lot of guilt because they love platonic intimacy (they are aroace). I feel like Im not giving them the emotional and physical comfort they need but I cant imgine holding some elses hand without wanting to cry. I dont know how to tell them because I dont want to treat them like a therapist (I cannot afford profesional help). Does anyone know how to take steps to fix this? :(
I'm influenced by the impactful nature of this material. A book with related themes charted a new and exciting course in my life. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
I have very strong issues with physical intimacy. Both being touched and touching Others. I have very strong Inhibition thresholds about physical contact. I couldn't compute that a woman would ever actually want me to touch her. I'd be always afraid of molesting her or breaking something. 10 years of therapy and i was too embarrassed to mention it.
All intimacy but especially touch, basic touch like hand holding, anything close to my face, long hugs or cuddling my body goes into a panic and I don’t know why. It’s so confusing because I have nothing in my life to give that response. And physical touch is one of my love languages. It’s so confusing.
I feel like I’ve watched every single video there is on TH-cam and none of them are telling me anything that actually helps. Every step these videos have are big steps and don’t give me any hope. I’m so tired of being told to be authentic or find myself, they’re just creating so many more issues. Someone needs to actually post something helpful instead of rephrasing everyone else.
Stephanie, you are correct. IMO you need to talk about your fears and try to solve YOUR fears (together with a coach or therapist) , not change your personality.
The shame and guilt that comes from failure in relationships, rejection and abandonment really affects self esteem I was only able to cope with my depression with workouts and passion but there I was even after years I thought maybe I am ready for a relationship now? And boom. Someone comes in and I push them away + hurt them .. others are interested to be friends and talk and there I am avoiding the conversation or just laughing or ghosting.. it’s not a way to live isn’t it?
I almost want to send this to my ex gf because everything here applies to her, but I know I can’t lol. I think I’ll have a sit down with her and let her feel comfortable with confronting the trauma.
I have a hard time getting turned in, excited, interim someone who is genuinely interested in me, but someone who is disinterested, doesn’t treat me well definitely get an emotional and physical response. So frustrating.
I had a lot of bad childhood experiences and now I’m scared to be alone with my partner because idk I get get anxiety and I’m scared or men and I have relationship anxiety and so when he ask me oh do you want to go do this with me but I always say that something came up or I can’t because I already made plans and I don’t know how to fix these problems
I don't know what kind of trauma made me this kinda fear, but it ruined my relationship and I still feel sorry for my ex meet someone like me and wasted their time😢
I've recently started following you and appreciate you and all the facts Been in therapy for 3 years and even coaching . Broke off contact with an ex who is unavailable and didn't like that I told her she's unavailable and recent I saw disassociation. She's lied recently of being manager of a corporate company and even lied being a secretary of warner bros ( disassociation) . I worked on myself after and during covid while working in the E.R so I personally lost friends and family and glad for therapy even though I myself am a therapist now
therapists are making money, they can't solve every marriage and relationship problems. problems are part of relationship, no relationship is without problems, therapists are making money out of your relationship problems.
I run away every time whenever someone show interest in me. Even if that person is my crush. I had a good upbringing. My mom gave me physical intimacy but not my dad. But I grew up in an Asia where being in a relationship = bad person. My mom will always gossip about teenage neighbors having wifes, husband. I’m afraid I’ll be the person my mom gossiped about.
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🙌Fear of intimacy may also be attached to childhood emotional neglect. 👉 See the 9 signs of Childhood emotional neglect and find tips to recover here: th-cam.com/video/q7Nlxwgy79U/w-d-xo.html 🙌
Hi Kati! I wanted to say thank you for making these videos focused on action. Too often I find videos about mental health that describe the problem but provide no solution. The action steps from your video on CEN have really helped me to heal and I'm glad I found this video as well. Thank you, again!!!
I litsen and my fear ls gone
I struggle with intimacy that has any level of romantic or sexual implications. I don’t understand why my fear is so strong. It doesn’t feel justified because I’ve had a good up bringing and a relatively sheltered childhood.
Bro same!
Me too! I have been sheltered thorough high school and I have “symptoms” of fear of intimacy
Same!
Do your parents use to hug you or kiss you ???? Hold your hands ?? Sleep with you ?
Comfort you ?? Were they open minded that you can share anything with them ??? They respect your space or privacy??
If yes ! Then Idk cause you should seek professional.
If NO then it's your childhood trauma . I went through same . My parents gave all materialistic things to me but they never really showed affection to me ! As 19 year old adult I crave praises , affection, comfort and physical affection.
No matter how much I need all this . I can't accept it because of fear of abandonment . I can't trust anyone .
As a medical student being healthy mentally, physical and spiritual comes first for me .
I'm working on my self but people around me aren't that same . They don't even know they're adult babies !! They haven't grown up mentally. Imagine they're going to be future doctor and they don't have any idea how mental health is important.
Seeing them making fun of someone have psychological problems I feel terrible. I never told I have any trauma or problems. I better treat my self silently
The shame behind sex and intimacy when you’re sheltered can be worse. Idk if your family is religious, a know lost shelters families are, and religion shames sex a lot.
I’m so glad somebody said: that “fake it till you make it” stuff DOES NOT WORK. I definitely employ ‘fake it till you make it’ tactics to go through my day sometimes and it helps fend off some of the bullies walking around in the world. But I’ve been doing it for years. And that in itself, has not changed my view of myself. Deeper work has to be done. It can help on a shallow level but not it does not rectify the broken pieces of yourself. It’s wishful to think that it does. Otherwise, I would not still have to be “faking it” - I would have “made it” by now. Lol
Same here 🙌
Well said.
I like to call it "fake it till you fake it" because that's all we're practicing. Authentic feelings are more difficult and require vulnerability, especially if we rarely allow or are even capable of vulnerability. A mask is useful for survival, but it's a terrible way to live.
@@PuntedKitten YES!!! So true re faking anything. That mask is still on. Good point, Jeff.
I understand you there on that one,. Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it.
I feel like I’m never gonna have a long term stable relationship because every time it starts getting serious i feel overwhelmed and run away
Maybe you could ask them for a temporary break or say that you need some more time to yourself overall? That doesn't mean it has to end completely. And its also okay to not share absolutely everything, whether its physical items or something you want to keep secret
I'm doing the same thing
Me too, I really want to be loved but the minute it happens I run away. I just shut down😑😑😑
this is me..
@@thandozuma8740 same I fell in love with one girl and want to tell my feelings, I just want to be relaxed in a long term relationship!
I crave for intimacy sometimes but it's scary when things get serious. It's because of trauma, bullying that made my self esteem sink and idk how to cope with that no matter how hard I try. It's exhausting.
soooooo truuuuuu
You’re like push and pull it’s really hard exhausting and you can’t explain yourself enough cause they won’t understand that you need help more than anything
For me it was a fear of sexual intimacy. This was helped by the guy I finally slept with being really in touch with my reactions and kept checking in anytime I started to look a little unsure. He made it clear I was in control 100% of the time
How are you saying you have/had fear of intimacy if you had sex at all?
@@eo6637 because of triggers that’s what implemented the fear, when I did decide to have sex which I was very nervous during, the man I was with took it slowly ensuring I was ok at each stage such as I was ok to cuddle, moving into a kiss etc etc. this wasn’t a jump into sex straight away thing there were plenty of times where things got heated between us and I got too uncomfortable to move any further, he proved that I was always in control so I knew that at any point I could say “no” or that I wanted to stop and he would stop immediately. This build up allowed me to adjust to the different stages to find how I was feeling every step of the way.
@@blackwidow5105 Your reply does make me realize how badddddd I am if your description is "fear of intimacy". You were very fortunate to not have PTSD. Even the thought of being alone in the same room with a man, let alone touch, makes me feel like vomiting, heart racing, panic, tunnel vision, flashbacks...
@@eo6637 everyone deals with it in there own way I’m so sorry that you suffer with PTSD. I think for me it was more the fear of having control taken away due to past events rather than the actual act of sex itself. Had my past experience gone further than what it had maybe that would have been different. As I say it took many baby steps before I felt comfortable to go to different stages. Even now there are parts of my body which are still no go zones, to some this seems silly and hard to understand but to me they are a trigger. And if and when this happens I do experience panic, and memories but thankfully no longer flashbacks and it doesn’t take me as long to ground myself now.
The one other thing I try to avoid is a certain aftershave, I honestly never knew smells could trigger until my now ex partner had brought a certain aftershave (unknowingly) and it ended up being one of my biggest triggers, thankfully he got rid of it and never wore it around me again.
I really hope you are doing ok
@@blackwidow5105 Thanks. I’m not doing ok quite honestly.
Can I ask a question that might sound harsh but how did you find someone willing to deal with your anxiety?
I’ve never experienced anyone willing to wait for me, so I’m struggling to understand what you “have” that I don’t have that makes you so worthwhile and valuable that this guy sticks with you despite not getting to do whatever he wants. Like do you look like Megan fox? Do you have the best personality known to man? Are you funny? What is it that makes someone respect you and wait for you?
Genuinely wondering because I am so miserable
The worst is when you think you’re overcoming the fear of intimacy and abandonment, and then they leave you further reinforcing your fears making them even bigger than they were before. 😨
No kidding man... I was with this girl for the last 8 years only to find out she was a covert narcissist and never even liked me let alone love me at all the entire time...I know this because she straight up told me that on the last day I saw her as she progressively and strategically turned the last 2 years of us being together into one hell of a nightmare sideshow circus man... Between being constantly caught back and forth of the wtf mind games, confusion, deceit, scandalous happenings, feeling betrayed... It took my soul away for real I don't even feel like I used to be and I'm struggling like I'll never find myself again.... Ive told her things in my life no one else knows as well and in good faith too... well she turned around and used a ton of them to exploit me to everyone man. She weaponized everything I've told her when I was in a vulnerable state. So many things man...so many. The worst part about this too is that shv was my first and only relationship I've ever had or been in my entire life and I'm 32... So it's all I know of that I have nothing to compare it too so Im stuck thinking that's what it is and why would anyone want that so bad what's the hype for just to get everything come crashing down and shattering everything in your being. And for goodness sake if you think your with someone who is a narcissist or has tendencies.... Run, get away from them now, I don't care what you gotta do but just go. Don't even say anything just take the car and go don't ever look back because I miss how I once was before her and all the madness I never saw coming and you won't see it coming until your already caught and basically screwed already. This shit being in a relationship with her wasn't worth losing myself over. As much as I thought I wanted to be with someone like the rest of the world...she really fuxkd me up enough to ask myself why does everyone like doing this and want this to be part of their lives if this is how it is and where you wind up at? After that experience I feel like it's a joke or something. I had a ton of love to give and now I feel like an empty shell and majorly abandoned how she went about leaving and everything leading up to that point...
after 8 years man... Wtf
LITERALLY ME
I've always struggled with fear of intimacy because of being ridiculed and made fun of for my sensitivity as guy. It's still not accepted to not be a macho man and people are so quick to out the outliers and makes me want to close off even more.
Also I've engaged in self-help almost excessively to make my self worth it. There's so much pressure to be a High Value Individual instead of yourself and that makes me feel worse cause I know I'm not what most men and women are looking for.
Oh yeah, same. Hope you learn how to feel better about yourself :)
Honestly the type of partner I’m looking for is someone who is also highly sensitive, I get frustrated a lot bc I don’t seem to see the type of partner I want in our work-driven and often cruel society. So, hang in there 🤍 There are others out there like us!
For sure that high value content is everywhere but that's just another defence against true closeness ❤
This hits home to me! I’m helping a guy friend of mine through the same issue as we are both outliers lol. Me being not ladylike doesn’t make me less as a woman and it doesn’t automatically mean I’m gay haha. Now that I embrace my masculine traits and stop neglecting my feminine traits, I feel better than ever. Best of luck to you!
@@prapanthebachelorette6803 this girl I have a crush on is kind of masculine but I like how independent she is.
I feel like fear of intimacy and fear of not being enough make up about 90% of my personality
I think my trouble is that I’m so connected to my inner child to the point that I’m too scared to grow up
So doing evil immoral acts is about being an adult? So I guess I be not adult so I good remain being a good person
@@Joel-pg4yi Nobody asked for your opinion about sex.
I can never just relax and be myself. It's exhausting!!!! Thank you so much for this video! ❤
I feel the same way
Be yourself anyway! Read Louise Hay❤
Not all abuse comes from parents or relatives. More focus in psychology needs to be placed on bullying by peers in schools and the neighborhood.
Yeah, my parents were pretty good but my classmates made it extremely clear for years that the idea of anyone ever liking me was ridiculous and that any signs of vulnerability were dangerous, and there's some part of that they never 100% goes away.
I've been struggling to overcome my Intimacy issues for years, but first I have to tackle other things. I was physically abused at home growing up, and at the age of 14 I got sexually assaulted in the bathroom by two other students, and then raped twice in my early 20's. Then when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship like 3 years after my 2nd rape, I told him about my past and was asked if I have aids -- which is no -- and it progressed to gaslighting from there. And lots of other bullshit. I've either been a punching bag or an object to people. So it's hard for me to even shake hands or hug anyone.
Really struggling with this. I always had a hard time bonding with people, and I had a 6 year relationship where we were seriously talking about being engaged. She broke up with me and since then I have had some casual relationships but when the initial spark and new thing dies out I get overwhelmed with anxiety and I just can’t handle it
that sounds really hard connor i hope things are getting better for you :(
My problem with this subject is that when I put out feelers to try to develop an emotional relationship with friends, it's not reciprocated, or even acknowledged. I don't have any close friends. Not sure what I'm doing wrong. It's more than just a few people not being a good fit.
I'm about to blow a potential beautiful relationship some time in the next few weeks because I'm terrified of the idea of a male romantic interest getting to know me better. I knew it the moment he said these exact words "To be honest with you, I want to get to know you better." and I was internally dying haahhahsh
You say that as if it's inevitable. It's not going to happen this time! I believe in you.
But also, very relatable. I'm terrified too. Too terrified to even start. 😬
@@Anna133199 Oh God thank youu! It was kind of a rant, I never thought someone would see it so it means a lot 💜
It is totally up to me if I'm gonna "ruin" this relationship or not but you know how it is, I'm just simply terrified. I thought about telling him exactly how I feel but then i started overthinking about how he may think that there are things truly wrong with me. I don't usually care really but when you like someone, you unfortunately care too much I guess 😅
I hope things turn out to be great for you as well! I really hope that you find that courage in you to be who you want & with who you wanna be with. Again, thank you 🙂💜
This comment resonates with me so much. I find it very difficult to open up to people I have an interest in. I feel ashamed to human, to have emotion, mental health problems, and I have these great fear of sex and intimacy. I always keep my physical and emotional distance from others and I don't touch anyone, I prefer to wave than to shake hands etc. I'm in a pickle at the moment because I like this guy and I asked him if he is seeing someone/girlfriend etc and he sounds like he is interested in me, but now I'm all scared to continue talking to him, in case I develop super strong feelings and start getting all mental and emotional and then he is gonna give up me thinking I'm a nutcase. I'm also worried that if things do develop between us, that my fear of sex is gonna cause a huge problem for both of us coz I can't do it unless I trust someone, but trust does t come overnight. It takes ages to build trust and most people who are comfortable with sex can't wait. I'm trying to find a way to swiftly get over my fear of sex so I can finally have a normal relationship with someone.
I really hope you are all coping and doing well to improve on your mental/emotional struggles. All the best to all of you.
I feel like I'm about to hear a lot of things that can help me in the future, thank you as per usual 💖 your content is life changing
Aww thanks Iris. I hope you're having a good week and creating fun art :)
@@Katimorton I'm having a great week, thank you!! I hope the same for you and Sean obviously :) I like that that's what you think of when you see my messages ❤️ I've been in a slump for months (I blame my meds) but I want to pick up digital art again once I've saved enough to get an iPad
Thank you. Have listened to this about 2 and half times already. I have a lot of trouble with intimacy and lately had a rough experience that was very healing and now very regressive. Basically met a guy, we started “talking” and first couple times we hung out in person he was so open with me and I was so open with him and for the first time in my life it was just… easy. So brain did the whole love at first sight dopamine and norepinephrine flood thing so we stayed up all night just talking both of the first times without the conversation ever stopping. Was really great… then he passed away out of nowhere. So yeah, unfortunately was in between therapists so am having to wait to professionally work through that but I’m very curious if the self-healing from having that time with him will still be there when I’m ready to try again with another guy in the future or if it’ll make it even harder to be emotionally intimate.
I was sexually harassed by my classmates when I was 13-14. They touched me without my consent. They made sexual jokes about me. The teachers acted like it was my fault. I felt so much shame, I couldn't tell my parents about it. I got really depressed, even when it stopped ( I started a new school) I wanted to die. It took me years to somewhat over come this, I was 20 when I first started caring about sexual things. I never had a relationship because I am so afraid of being just a joke again, just a toy. I had chances, but whenever someone touches me, I want to throw up. This is awful, I want a healthy relationship, I want romantic love, but I just can't. I am so mad at those boys, they ruined my life. I almost ended my life because of them. I am just so mad and sad, and I feel hopeless. My university offers free therapy, I have been thinking about it, for months now. But I just feel like I am a lost case, and I would just waste their time. Sorry for ranting, I don't do this normally, and sorry for my grammar, I am not a native speaker.
May I offer my meager opinion? You are NOT a "lost case" and NOT a waste of a therapist's time. The type of trauma you endured is significant and exactly what therapy is good for. And the fact that you can get therapy for free is just frosting on the cake! You can call the therapist's office and say you want to talk to someone experienced with childhood sexual abuse. Good luck.
Hey, I just found your comment to be very touching and I wanted to tell you that there's still hope. You have identify what you want and how to (by trying to go to therapy) or looking at this channel :p .
You're not a lost case or a waste of time, you matter and you know that the first relationship you have to heal is the one you have with you for now.
I went to therapy after I lost my mom, it was hard but I knew i needed it. After the covid it took me months to take that appointement to go see a new therapist. I thought I could never do it but I did, even if it was very, very hard this time. It's ok to be scared, or to take your time. My point being : you can do this.
I hope you'll find strength to go see one, your well being worth it ! ❤🩹
Thank you for sharing, your story truly moved me and I can relate. You don't have to apologize for anything, what happend is not your fault, you are not a waste of time. Everyones experience is uniq but i want you to know that you are not alone eventough i know it might feel that way ❤️
A big struggle for me was how sociaty really puts pressure on us to be in a relationship at a certain age. Adding that anxiety to us who already struggle with relationships is so unhelpful. When you are ready for it is up to you and you only.
I struggle with shame and fear intimicy and I have never been in a relationship either, im turning 25 soon. I have always wanted it but the fear have been in the way. I have low self esteem and struggle with self worth. For me it was not until i was 23 that I decided to go for love if it came my way. Fun thing was that soon after it did show up and in the form of someone i really trust. Unfortunatly our insecurities stopped us a bit but we're still working on it.
Something thats been very healing to me is learning about vulnerability and shame and to start healing the relationship to myself. Not dealing with my fears by trying to fix me but rather learning im enough. Intimicy is still hard but im healing, aiming for progress rather then perfection. It's not easy but its woth it. Sending you love and support and I wish you feel better soon ❤️❤️❤️
Stop thinking about therapy and just do it. Everybody should. Even those people that look perfect and with no problems in life need therapy. Stop procrastinating and finding excuses, I know how you feel, I waited all my life for a therapy that would have been much easier when I was a child. The more time passes by, the harder the therapy. Call now if you haven't done so in the meanwhile. I will cross my fingers for you!
I have fear of sex, and I don’t know how to get passed it…
Y'all stay strong. I don't know anyone here or anyone's backround. I think though we need strength to grab on something, I am so scared of talking I talk thousands of times a day from different perspectives and it's always me. Maybe opening up here will be better than some of us being stuck in our heads. I have no way of reaching, so I know that if you read this, every ounce of strength I can, I share with y'all.
I took some notes in case it's helpful for someone.
**TIPS**:
1) Understand where the fear is coming from. Common reasons: child neglect, shame, low self-esteem, fear of rejection, perfectionism, past relationship trauma...
2) Get to know yourself, take you out on a date. What do YOU want? What are YOUR needs?
3) Watch your self-talk. Bridge between negative and positive, aka "less negative". "I'm open to the possibility of..."
4) Understand your levels of comfort. Evaluate different types of people: strangers, acquaintance, friend, family, close friend, loved one, and which are the things you're comfortable with each of them, which things they should or shouldn't know about you.
5) Inner child work. Speak in form of letters and treat yourself with compassion to heal. Know and work on your traumas and seek help if needed.
Thank you Kati! This was a lifesaver, take care 💙💙
I only had fears of intimacy with myself, so naming my inner child was something I did, to push myself through the doors of embracing, and not to just hang onto the frame, but framed my mind to respect Him (inner child)
The struggle is real! I've wanted a relationship but dating was so exhausting and emotionally taxing, I wasn't available emotionally to any of them. I'm afraid of others getting close, and it takes me a very long time to attach to and feel safe with people (we practically need to be friends first...) My parents were good providers but both absent emotionally and mentally and one was a bully/neglectful too. Accepting affection, even imagining it, makes me skin crawl and want to cry. I'm trying to reparent myself and get over it but man is it hard.
I have always struggled. I had a horrible experience at age 15, my innocence was robbed from me I was assaulted. I started talking with a therapist just a year ago and I have a very hard time opening up and talking about it. It triggers bad anxiety, memories and nightmares. Sometimes I want to end with therapy just to avoid the pain 😞
Hi Kati, I know it's not one of your usual topics or 'areas of expertise' necessarily, but I was wondering if you could do a video about LGBTQ+ specific mental health, given that there are some distinct mental health issues and sources of these issues. Love your chanel and thanks for this great video!
So, I think a lot of the "personality" elements you mentioned that could be why a person has fear of intimacy apply to me- such as things like perfectionism, But - I want to be clear I do not have childhood trauma from an adult in my life. I think it's important when you make some of these videos, to make it clear that it doesn't always mean we have trauma from our caregivers. Sometimes, it seems like in many videos you always want to connect it to this. For me, I think the bulk of it came from being picked on in school as well as my own innate personality trait of perfectionism and anxiety (which my dad also has).
Yes exactly
Childhood trauma doesn't always mean physical abuse or anything traumatic. Just experiencing your dad have anxiety can be a form of trauma that affected you. I learned that my trauma was not learning how to be open about my feelings with my parents. So that is a part of trauma. I wish experts would remind everyone that trauma doesn't have to be something extreme like neglect or abuse. It could be subtle things that are considered trauma.
You are correct because this is me too... I just wish I knew how to work with it and get passed this so I wouldn't shut down at times making me feel so awkward to uncomfortable then the woman tells me she feels like I rejected her which isn't the case which then makes me feel even worse off because that's not what I intended at all.... Yeah.
It's really difficult and not one woman has been able to even be cool enough to think or ask me am I ok it's just go into being pissed off to throwing out a bunch of hateful words that really puts somebody that's already down , so much further down on top of that and ultimately leaves me with more crap compiled with the last few I tried to be intimate with. It's unreal trying to get comfortable enough to open up at all I feel doomed
Levels of comfort… yes, I have my levels of comfort but how do I know what the right level of comfort is for a particular type of relationship? Many years back when I was actually looking for emotional relationships more than one person got frustrated they couldn’t get beyond a certain level and I didn’t know what they wanted nor how to make it happen… those relationships never lasted, and the long term arms-length relationships I got into eventually ended too… so what is an emotional relationship’s level of comfort supposed to be? And what is a level of comfort in a sexual relationship even supposed to mean?
My questions aside your video is very interesting and well explained: love the take yourself out on a date!
I've always wondered if my introverted, asexual personality was born during my childhood emotional neglect and abuse.
it's totally possible. Introversion can often be an adaption to past experiences ❤
You really help us💞 with minds problems, everyone want to say thanks you are stunning to you cuz you really help people 💕✨
I got really emotional when I saw the thumbnail and it seems like the best video ever, but I'm really struggling to write a review article rn and might have to wait a tiny bit to sit down and feel things. But thank you in advance - honestly anything helps, even just addressing and taking time to think about these things, and it's always been a very central and extreme issue in my life.
Thank you for saying that the "fake it till you make it" doesn't work. I've felt that for a while re: my self talk, and it's nice to hear a professional say it aloud. I just can't intrinsically /believe/ the whole "you're awesome and you're worth it!" sort of self talk, it almost sounds like I'm being condescending to myself. THANK YOU!
Them finding out the "real" you, is actually them finding out another part of you. A part among many others. They like some parts of you, they dislike some of them, but they love YOU. Partners and friends leave us when we turn the bad parts into a bigger problem than they actually are. Therapy exists to teach us how to communicate the complicated parts, express emotions better, it can take years, but it is so so worth it.
I don't care about other peoples opinions but i care about them trying to take away mine.
Such an important topic that is not discussed enough, great video Kati! ❤️🔥🙌
You spoke about great topics, a greater level of approach for me. And luckily, I found myself stronger. And at the moment I clearly saw how high self-esteem is also uncomfortable. Another madness of this reality we live in. Maybe I'm wrong, but today I'm unfortunately isolating myself because I see that the fact that I love myself so much makes me face people making faces, and I'm sick of it! In the the end, am I stuck in the same situation of fear of intimacy? It's more like yes, but even so I'm not going to get discouraged, despite the moments of crisis, and I want to evolve every day. 🙏
When I was like 8 or something (I can't even remember...) my brothers friend caused me some trauma (my brother didnt know. Still doesnt) and that shit still affects me today! Ever since, I've been super weird about physical contact with people that I'm not REALLY close with. I'm in a really good relationship right now, and slowly I've been coming around to physical intimacy because he makes me feel safe and comfortable. However some times I still regress back into feelings of uneasiness. Not because I'm uncomfortable with my boyfriend specifically, but because I've never learned how to deal with the idea of someone getting so close to me. I love him a lot but I really want to overcome this deep-rooted fear!
I love this video! I’m definitely gonna do some journal prompts of which stuffs would I be comfortable to share with my coworkers, family and new friends ! I never thought of that, but it will helpful
I never had any relationship with any woman in my life, Never got that physical and emotional connection, If I never had sex in my life, never got that close relationship with any woman,
Wanting one great sexual, emotional and physical connection with a woman with whom just as equivalent as me.
To me fear of intimacy manifests as oversharing paradoxically enough.
I got my answer also, It seems tip no 1 is just for me. I always think tht I hv to be perfect. My body must be perfect and flawless and I'm not deserving.
Journaling really helped me understand my comfort levels.
GOOD MORNING! I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING/BLESSED DAY. PS: THANK YOU FOR THE TH-cam VIDEO. DON’T FORGET YOU ARE LOVE, YOU ARE A POWERFUL THERAPIST/FRIEND/DAUGHTER/PERSON. GOOD, AND BAD DAYS YOU ARE STILL STRONG. I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR STORY/LESSONS/YOUR PURPOSE/KNOWLEDGE IN THE THERAPIST WORLD BECAUSE OF YOU YOU ARE MAKING THE NEXT GENERATIONS STRONGER FOR THE FUTURE BECAUSE OF YOUR TH-cam CHANNEL. ALSO, MAY YOU PLEASE PRAY FOR ME FOR MY MENTAL CLARITY, BECAUSE I NEED IT RIGHT NOW! THANK YOU AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO.
i’m struggling with oversharing too much with people like coworkers. I’ve experienced a lot in the last few years and tend to trauma dump on people if I feel comfortable. I haven’t had coworkers in a while that were on a friendship level and can’t gage if I overshare or cross social boundaries?
(I genuinely believe I’m a really good active listener and make people feel comfortable quickly. I try not to interrupt and give people the space first to tell me about their lives if they feel comfortable)
I'm scared that I'm not ready for inner child work - i wanted to attend the workshop but I chickened out. I know I need it but scared it'll be overwhelming, but this is me to a T 🙃
SAME, HERE!
girl i did not come here expecting to sob MINUTES IN
My therapist wanted to lock me up in the insane asylum because I told him about that voice in my head and my gut feeling telling me something was wrong.
What if i take myself out on a date and i start talking to myself and people start thinking im crazy?😢
I can't find the link to the inner child work thing. Help!
Thank you for this one, Kati. Much to reflect on but happy to start this conversation.
The capacity for closeness is the key to the success of any relationship, because it determines how much a person is able to love!
Intimacy requires quite a bit of trust. We must have trust in someone in order to reveal the most personal and most confidential parts of ourselves to them, and we must know if we are able to accept the same most personal and most hurtful parts of the other, without them pressing and suffocating us.
finally started seeing a therapist for abandonment anxiety and fear of intimacy and stuff...he left town after two months :(
sigh, another brick in the wall :(
Now I realise why I can’t even watch shows with intimate scene. Lol I mean like people sitting too close to each other and I’m absolutely disgusted . Even thanking someone for having a nice day with me , makes me soo quesyyy . I guess I have to work on it
I'm not disgusted but I'm easily embarrassed, sometimes even by things like intense emotional conversations or kissing on TV.
I was just taking about it this with my therapist yesterday! Thank you Kati!
You are so welcome!
So what are the five types of intimacy? Intellectual, spiritual, romantic, sexual, and recreational, or something along those lines? [nevermind, shoulda waited til the end of the video]
The worst part of this for me is, the impact i have had on my partner when i self-sabotage in any way i can to get away and be alone. I usually regret it soon after, once i have time to realize i am being nuts.
My intimacy said "ight I'ma head out "
The reason why I fear intimacy (especially sexually) is because I have a weird condition known as PPP which essentially causes me to have many White pearly bumps around the “YKW”. When I was a child I borderline thought I had some sort of std. and therefore I distanced myself from every potential relationship that could develop into something more. I was afraid that I’d be alone forever, but I thought it was the only way. I’m certain that this psychologically damaged me so bad that now when I’m in a relationship I subconsciously push the other person away if I feel we are getting too close.
It honestly ruined my life, there’s this girl who is the most amazing person I’ve ever met, but I ended up pushing her away when things escalated in our relationship. I want her to understand that I really do love her, but idk I feel like I’m cursed to be alone.
I never told my parents as I thought they’d think something weird of me, lol I was a fucking child (9 years old to be exact). Can you imagine what that would do to a little kids brain?
I think thats normal dude. A few years back I learnt that its a normal thing that quite a few man have.
@@SCee_910 yeah, its a fairly common thing for most men. I wish I’d known that when I was younger.
I literally kissed someone and I was shaking because it made me so anxious and nervous. But like I want to be intimate idk I just feel get so scared for no reason
It might be because of not knowing what will happen?
i used to calm myself thinking once i’ll really fall in love this fear will magically go away. sadly, nothing changed and I’m just ruining my first relationship and keeping my partner away from pure happiness he deserves.
I am feeling this...
Intimacy to me kind of means (In-to-me-see) welcome to my soul! Kind of a bit deep. I have thought that I was just put on this earth incarnation to to have the relationship with my mum whom nobody can surpass. A very timely video as I do wonder why I have a terrible fear of intimacy.
I'm interested in becoming an LMFT. I'm currently a junior in college in New York. How do I know which school to go to? Do you have recommendations? I don't even know where to start.
any grad school that offers a Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy! for example my degree is a Masters of Science in Marital & Family Therapy. so sometimes the names sound a little different, but i would start there! there may be some prerequisites, but that’s a great start to check out🖤
Thank you for your help. The only thing I would change in what you're saying, is the diarrhea part. If you talk to much you should use the word logorrhoea (being logorrheic) which, by the way, sounds almost the same but is not disgusting (personally I'm not sensible to this kind of stuff, but I'm pretty sure many will be). I could be wrong, English is not my mother language.
someone told me I had this and its scary how much I relate to this.
I feel useless for having to learn these in my 30s
Wow, thank you for the part about emotional diarrhea with the vulnerability hangover , that was something I didn't think I'd ever hear anybody else say.
When I was 23 years old I was supposed to get married to the woman of my dreams! Anyway I let my controlling father talk me out of it because I'm a short man, he also said " she might take advantage of you, No you can't get married!" I'm now 41 and have a fear relationship 😞oh do to my father saying I'm a short man, has made me lose my confidence, my self esteem, self worth and self love 😢😭😭
Thank.you, working with my therapist to understand intimacy and let others in my life in all areas. Thanks for breaking it down for me understand and seeing the difference. Also reforcing what I am learning in therapy, apply in my relationships
Thanks!!!
Therapy is prohibitively expensive. It's unaffordable in New Zealand
I'm not that interesting...............my Dad told me that when I was 7. Turns out he was right. Took me 56 years to realise he was right.
nature and nurture made always clear to me that my needs and wants don't matter
Intimacy is just too costly. Things are bound to blow up in your face sooner or later, so we’re just saving ourselves the downtime.
Just keep things superficial, and there shouldn’t be any drama.
Is it advisable to get over the fear of intimacy? With all the thieves, violence, diseases, liars, and narcissists around, should we let humans get close to us at all? Keeping one's distance from others is not fear of intimacy, it is a survival tactic.
I can barely find anything about growing up with autistic parents and potential damage done by it (unintentionally.) Im pretty sure my empathy skills are severely damaged.
It's never a deep dive or scientifically informed.
Could you do a video on this topic?
But if the truth is people do leave me more than i once,, how not tot Blame yourself?
I have a question. How comfortable are most couples actually are with each other? I heard that most couples are actually shy around each other and don't like getting naked around each other, so they avoid getting naked around each other.
Most people seem to feel more comfortable around their platonic friends than they do around their romantic partner.
Girls changing their clothes in front of a guy is a very friend-zoney thing to do since that means they don't see their guy friend as a sexual being at that point. A girl being comfortable enough to be naked around a guy means he is in the friend-zone. She trusts him as a safe guy.
Usually when a girl has that kind of relationship with a guy, it means she feels safe enough around him to believe he won’t try anything. Many girls are comfortable being naked around their platonic male friends because they know that their relationship is nothing more than that of real siblings.
So, that means that platonic love is better than romantic love is, and that romantic relationships are not special, while platonic relationships are special.
I’m a young adult and I met this girl at work a while back we where friends and recently we’ve begun dating Ive meet her family and we’re very close we agree on almost everything relationship wise she genuinely seem to care about me she is constantly asking if I’m okay if I’m comfortable she wants to know about my personal life she has nothing to hide and she’s an open book and I love and trust her because of that I’m confident in our relationship
but the part where it gets more complicated is I’m a virgin and suffer from extreme anxiety about almost everything I constantly overthink and we’ve been talking about having sex Im very attracted and to be totally honest I want her to be the one to take my virginity but I’m scared I have plans of going to the military and if I get her pregnant I can’t go and pretty much my entire future will be thrown out the window I hold sex to a high regard and want to make sure the person I lose my virginity too is the one for me I’m also nervous about underperforming majority of my knowledge about sex is from porn I have no clue what im doing if anyone is reading this please leave some advice thank you
I used to be very unhygenic from depression and suffered mild physical abuse as a young child. Last year I opened up to my friend about my struggle with platonic touch and my want to get better.
And it worked for some time, but recently my social anxiety and trust issues have been getting worse. Last time my bestie and I hung out, they rested their head on my shoulder. This made me uncomfortable even though before I was okay with it. I dont know whats triggered this but all of a sudden Im building the wall again. And I feel I a lot of guilt because they love platonic intimacy (they are aroace).
I feel like Im not giving them the emotional and physical comfort they need but I cant imgine holding some elses hand without wanting to cry. I dont know how to tell them because I dont want to treat them like a therapist (I cannot afford profesional help). Does anyone know how to take steps to fix this? :(
I'm influenced by the impactful nature of this material. A book with related themes charted a new and exciting course in my life. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
I have very strong issues with physical intimacy. Both being touched and touching Others. I have very strong Inhibition thresholds about physical contact. I couldn't compute that a woman would ever actually want me to touch her. I'd be always afraid of molesting her or breaking something.
10 years of therapy and i was too embarrassed to mention it.
All intimacy but especially touch, basic touch like hand holding, anything close to my face, long hugs or cuddling my body goes into a panic and I don’t know why. It’s so confusing because I have nothing in my life to give that response. And physical touch is one of my love languages. It’s so confusing.
I feel like I’ve watched every single video there is on TH-cam and none of them are telling me anything that actually helps. Every step these videos have are big steps and don’t give me any hope. I’m so tired of being told to be authentic or find myself, they’re just creating so many more issues. Someone needs to actually post something helpful instead of rephrasing everyone else.
Stephanie, you are correct. IMO you need to talk about your fears and try to solve YOUR fears (together with a coach or therapist) , not change your personality.
Could you do a video about the scariness of phasing out of therapy!
I'm 65, and something killed my sex drive completely.
This video was helpful, thank you. I’m excited about the inner child workshop and will be purchasing it asap
Why is it a struggle? Intimacy is simply creepy and best avoided.
The shame and guilt that comes from failure in relationships, rejection and abandonment really affects self esteem I was only able to cope with my depression with workouts and passion but there I was even after years I thought maybe I am ready for a relationship now? And boom. Someone comes in and I push them away + hurt them .. others are interested to be friends and talk and there I am avoiding the conversation or just laughing or ghosting.. it’s not a way to live isn’t it?
I almost want to send this to my ex gf because everything here applies to her, but I know I can’t lol. I think I’ll have a sit down with her and let her feel comfortable with confronting the trauma.
I have a hard time getting turned in, excited, interim someone who is genuinely interested in me, but someone who is disinterested, doesn’t treat me well definitely get an emotional and physical response. So frustrating.
I had a lot of bad childhood experiences and now I’m scared to be alone with my partner because idk I get get anxiety and I’m scared or men and I have relationship anxiety and so when he ask me oh do you want to go do this with me but I always say that something came up or I can’t because I already made plans and I don’t know how to fix these problems
I don't know what kind of trauma made me this kinda fear, but it ruined my relationship and I still feel sorry for my ex meet someone like me and wasted their time😢
I've recently started following you and appreciate you and all the facts Been in therapy for 3 years and even coaching . Broke off contact with an ex who is unavailable and didn't like that I told her she's unavailable and recent I saw disassociation. She's lied recently of being manager of a corporate company and even lied being a secretary of warner bros ( disassociation) .
I worked on myself after and during covid while working in the E.R so I personally lost friends and family and glad for therapy even though I myself am a therapist now
1. Get to know yourself
2. Positive self talk: affirmation
3. Boundaries
4. Inner child work
5. Types of relationship
- sexual
- emotional
- intellectual, mental
- experiential: adventures, going out, maybe even trauma
- spiritual, same faith, same purpose
Thanknyoy ive aleahs been scared bc of adhd and austim and dilexia
therapists are making money, they can't solve every marriage and relationship problems. problems are part of relationship, no relationship is without problems, therapists are making money out of your relationship problems.
Clinical psychologists have a beauty. They know some things that theorists might have a hard time probing.
Definitely ❤
I run away every time whenever someone show interest in me. Even if that person is my crush.
I had a good upbringing. My mom gave me physical intimacy but not my dad. But I grew up in an Asia where being in a relationship = bad person. My mom will always gossip about teenage neighbors having wifes, husband. I’m afraid I’ll be the person my mom gossiped about.
Take yourself on a date. Best advice ever! Great tips as usual. Thanks! ✌😍
Very useful your channel has benefited my mental health very much thank you
I can relate. This makes me feel like giving up.
My wife reject almost all of the time and everytime we had sex i cant even kiss her and she didnt even want me to touch her body