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The narcissistic parent also knows that, in society, you have no defenses against whatever narrative they tell others about you, specifically because they are your parent. They know people are LITERALLY BLINDED by the word “mother”. That a mother is undoubtedly loving, well-meaning and truthful. If she says anything about you, well, it must be true.
That’s exactly what my mother did and relied on to make sure that no one would even suspect her. The flying monkeys are quick to believe that all mothers are angels.
When my children told me "I love you mama!" around my narc mother she would visibly react. It was like by my children living me, something was taken away from her. Of course they loved her as well, but she expected them to live her more than me . She wreaked havoc in my marriage with my other family members and tried her damnest to turn my children against me. I wish I had known more about the nature of the beast of narcissist mothers sooner. But knowing it now has helped in healing now she's gone. Sadly the damage has been done and some relationships may never be repaired whatsoever.
Keep your children away from them. My egg donor tried that with my son, and he got her told IMMEDIATELY. He never like her after that. He was 10 years. He rarely saw her anyway because I stayed away from her. Only seen her at family funerals. No family reunions, family gatherings, family visits, NOTHING.
My kids are getting in their 30's and are now seeing my moms maniplating ways. I try not to talk to them about how difficult my relationship with my mom is.
Yep! Recently was around the father, and the way he criticized another lady for having multiple children to different men..like he was disgusted! (I have children to different fathers too due to terrible circumstances) , I thought well he might be telling others I'm a whore, or whatever behind my back
Never uncommon in my upbringing for my dad to corner me and divulge his thoughts on others. He talked about family members constantly, and personal information about my parents relationship (before and after the divorce) and my stepmother and dads relationship. No one wonder I got the shingles at 10.
Yup. Notice, they always have someone in the barrel that they relentlessly bitch about during the forced/coerced get togethers. They always have some target in mind.
my mom and dad would talk about the whole family both sides my mother would downgrade their jobs and even laugh about them when I was a child I didnt understand what was wrong my mother didnt have a job which is ok to be a housewife but would just yell cleaning the house and cooking
Yeah. Others believing them hurts in so many ways. Isolates you from help and support, makes it hard to trust other people, makes you wonder if the gaslighting is actually the truth... It's scary and it really messes with you.
@@Sky-bx9mn My egg donor did the same thing and many of my family members believed them, however, I did not care because I had an extended family that was AWESOME. After I got away from her, I NEVER FELT UNLOVED or UNWANTED. My extended family was LOVING, truthful, encouraging, patience, kind, supportive and they were always concerned about my well being. Blood creates one family, but love creates another family with strong and unbreakable bonds.
My aunts, uncles, and cousins were told (when I was in my 50s) that I started being involved in Satanism when I was 10 years old! I was living in my parent's house and had to be in bed by 8:30 year 'round! I have no idea who believed that but it definitely resulted in broken relationships.
Walking into that room and feeling that awkward silence and getting the side eye from everyone. Like they are in the presence of a murderer or so.ething. nope, just the scapegoat. Not a criminal or anything.
I had no idea my parents were turning people against me until everyone was gone. I was so shocked and sad at the power they had over others, but now I have a new little tribe so not all is lost.
This is exactly what I have experienced...specifically with not living up to obligations as an adult child. I noticed people shift away from me...specifically my mom's sister (I used to feel rather close with her). Then, my mom told me one day that she "vents" to her sister about me. I mean, why tell someone that in the first place, but then it made sense why that aunt never contacted me anymore.
Happy for you that you have a new lil tribe ❤️, it is much better for your soul to pick your own soulmates vs trying to appease a family that will never be satisfied. I always wondered why my cousins, other family and her friends would always be stand-offish, but then I began to understand why when I got wind of some of the things that were being said. Yes, what she said was always taken as law. Blessing in disguise, cuz we learn to be self reliant and not depend on people who really aren't there for us. They are stuck in their 'old loop and old group.' Ugh it's draining trying to fit in. 'We were meant to stand out' ✨️
So glad for you. Yes, l'm in the same boat and it's a helluva shock, even at my age and that's knowing my mother was a psycho from when l was tiny. But l dont have your wee group yet X❤
Narcissist mothers are so effective at distroying all your connections. Parents normally brag about their children so, no matter how wild the story is, people believe them. They think if your mother would criticize you it must be not only true but just the tip of the iceberg of what youve put them through.
The thing is mother's like this are usually already pegged as a gossiper or promiscuous and it's well known. Someone should never accept advice about someone else from anyone they don't know extremely well in these cases they should do their own research into someone's personality before they pass judgement.
@user-dc6wz4dv3l of course they should but no one ever does. People love to believe gossip. Look at all the rumors that circulate about celebrities. I've often been just as angry with people for believing my mothers tales as her for telling them. It doesn't matter if someone is a known gossip. All that matters is if the story is interesting.
My narc mom always tells people i never tell her anything and she knows nothing about my personal life. Its because she entertains herself with my mistakes and uses everything against me. My partner has never even met her. I say its not a privilege to met her.
What parents don't understand is if their kids don't confide in them about anything personal, there's a good reason for it.They are either to judgemental, negative, or give advice that benefits them only because everything has to be about them. You would think that would be anybody's first thought as well, especially a parent.
My mother hides secrets and weaponizes personal information. And if you confront her about she gaslights and then cuts off communication. She then tells the rest of the family after cutting me off that I’m unstable.
Oof. Our culture puts such value and legitimizing on meeting the parents and sometimes you just gotta get it through folks' heads that the lack of introduction is a kindness, not an insult.
@@barbarafrack7084 I'm sorry that happened to you 😭 my sister turned the rest of the family including my father against me. She stepped into the role of my mother when she died.
@@jennw6809 Same here. Sister nearly destroyed my life. I confided in her and never realized that she was using any confidence to undercut relationships, run off romantic interests, sabotage job advancement, damage possessions, stole, attempted to turn family against me. No one believed me until the abuse became obvious when I provided proof of her narcissistic behaviors. Went no contact 3 years ago. Best move I ever made.
Yes, yes, yes...all these things happened to me. And while my parents were doing all this lying and back-stabbing, they also claimed to be devout church-going Christians.
They ALWAYS do! My mother brings out the best in abuse, a narcissistic paranoid, fanatical Christian, that would make the Taliban, blush, & & jot down notes from her, on how to use religious psychological warfare on such an effective level to crush the soul.
Weeeellll, BUT OF COURSE!! That's how "those people" ARE! I haven't been near a church in over 20 years because of my sick mother running her vicious, lying mouth and then her always running and hiding behind her Goddamned religion. And the "Boomers" just can't understand why young Americans today want absolutely NOTHING to do with their hypocritical, organized Christian religion these days!
I know exactly this narcs that use religion to mask themselves, the first my malignant narc mother a "devoted" catholic, they think they are spiritual (they have not spirit, but demons in their bodies) by pretending being religious.
When I was in my 40s, I was at an anniversary party for my parents. A friend of my parents came up to me and reminded me of how difficult I was as a teenager. He thought this was really humorous. I was absolutely mortified and angry but kept calm. I was not a difficult teenager at all.
To that group, you’ll always be a perpetual teenager. I was a good kid too, but I rebelled in high school by embracing punk rock. It shouldn’t have been the end of the world since it was normal teen rebellion, but I’m still paying for breaking the “rules” of the conformist narc family circle by being scapegoated into middle age. To my family and their friends of their generation, I’ll always be a petulant teen, talking back and breaking curfew. 🙄
Oh my. This happened to me at a dinner with my friend’s father who was a minister. He started telling people at the table how I was a less than good influence on my friends??? I said “WHAT?” His daughter retorted Dad! He proceeded to state how I would sneak out, try things that weren’t safe, blah blah blah. I said “Hey! “ who the hell are you talking about?” Certainly not me!” He tried to double down and say oh come on,tell the truth, you’re grown now.” Ok Burt! (Not his real name) here’s the truth. I never cursed, drank, smoked, had relations with a boy,sneaked out of the house or skipped school! These are all things that my friends did, but not me. My friend backed me up against her father and said out of all of her friends I was the most truthful and straight laced. He still insisted not what he had been told??? My Mother tried to destroy me any way she could, because she is mentally ill and jealous. Now I still have my same friends and make and keep friends easily. She has none, she finally showed everyone how insane she was. 57 years of hell from her & now I’m the one who makes sure she is taken care of, but I keep my peace, because she is a demonic entity and I am armed with truth. I’m strong in my faith and trust and it makes her skin crawl when I’m in her presence. She becomes agitated screaming acting nuts accusing me of things. I just sit there and listen to her literally argue with herself. I prayed all my life that her true self would be revealed and boy did she ever show people how wicked she truly is. She is the epitome of a tortured soul.its sad really.
My narc mom kept phoning my best friend of many years, to find out how it went with me and my second husband. On and on. My friend said "It goes wonderful!" But he turned out to be an alcoholic. She must have snuffel some out. One day my friend said to her:"Lady, if you think that I 'll gossip with you about your daughter, you are making a big mistake! And hang up
My mother did this to me, I lost family, friends, she even controlled how doctors and psychiatrists treated me (as an adult!), she tried with my therapist but thankfully she realised and stopped her. She used to call my partner's mum crying to tell her that she was scared I was gonna off myself (lies). Now I can't trust people, everyone is so easy to manipulate, and they believe these lies so easily.
When my father in law was diagnosed with Parkinson's, my husbands family expected him to drop everything to take care of him. We had just opened a business we couldn't just drop it after investing our money in it! His mother was in denial and nasty, his brothers wouldn't even look, speak to their father, did nothing to help. I would provide meals for them a few times a week and the queen bee complained about it! Since he passed and the queen bee's health/mobility are failing, we are expected to clean house etc. We are not, his oldest brother (67) still lives with her for free, his entire adult life, he owes her, we do not! My character has been attacked on sooooo many levels, its unreal. The no contact works in our best interest.
My mom was 42 when she had me and twin….with ivf….after 7 miscarriages. By the time I was 18, I knew there was something wrong with my mom but she always said there’s nothing she’s fine. Extremely healthy and “will live forever”. But see my mom was already diagnosed and getting treated for Parkinson’s. She was diagnosed with late stage Parkinson’s when I was 18 bc she didn’t want cps to take her retirement plan and indentured servants/caretakers. I later learned she actually has the gene for juvenile Parkinson’s…which starts before age 21. So now it makes sense that’s why she was like absolutely trying to have kids like a mad woman. She literally only stayed with my dad until she got kids then left. It was like that was all she wanted. She lied and told me and twin we had a college fund and enough for a 4 years degree. She repeatedly told us that the money was on the way and to take out loans meanwhile. Eventually a few times a year she would scrounge up enough from her 401k and she made sure to let us know it was our fault she’d have to retirement now. I felt guilty and confused. She had told me before taking this financial obligation on that it wouldn’t be an issue. But now it seems there is no college fund. I was forced to watched crucial classes to progress in my degree fill up while unable to pay financial holds on my account. After 3 semesters I finally got her to admit I never had a college fund. And ofc then student loan payments were due bc I was full time anymore but I didn’t have a degree either. My dad had gotten us a car, but he wasn’t really in the picture bc she would not let him. In fact I found out the court actually found her in violation of the parenting agreement and that she was in fact alienating my father from us and abusing the court system with false claims. So he got us a car and my mom wouldn’t let either me or my twin take it college. She told us she’d drive it so it wouldn’t rust but she didn’t. And it rusted, and she wouldn’t put anything into fixing it. Instead of we wanted access to a car, we had to drive her to and from work. She refuses to pick a schedule and is constantly asking her boss to switch it so we can’t never have a set availability to get our own jobs. She was still getting behind th wheel. Unfortunately she wasn’t honest with me and my twin or her doctor. But after a stay in the hospital her nurse was shocked to find out she was still driving, and looked me in the eyes and told me she can’t do that anymore. Which I understand she could kill someone. Now I have to go to store, drive her to work, drive her to the doctor. I’m 23. And all she does is shit talk me to my family so that they never help me get out, and she’ll always have an indentured servant.
@@Groovygal2026 Your mother was a liar and a future-faker. My mother the same. It's so hard for people to believe that a mom can do these things to their child. Anyone who survives these types of moms (like YOU!) has some major fortitude. They are constantly sabotaging their own children.
According to my narc parent: I "dropped out" of college because I was "crazy and on drugs" (they did not pay my tuition as promised). It took me a few years to get myself financially sorted out to go back and meanwhile I never said a word to the family about their failure to pay as I did not want to embarrass them - only to discover later that they were dragging my name through the mud the whole time. 20 odd uears later, after they refused to bring one of my siblings to their home following their discahrge from the hospital/recovery from a long term illness (a plan they INSISTED on because "I couldn't handle looking after them"), I got blamed for "manipulating the situation to financially exploit" said sibling - even though this was the same person asking me to ask their employer to send them paychecks for safekeeping and I ended up spending 80K in a year for the siblings care. So I am crazy and a theif. Oh well.
Oh God. This sounds like my family 😂. I laugh but it's no laughing matter. I'm a gay junkie narcissist who chases everyone's woman and my son isn't mine even after the DNA test. The b.s. doesn't even match up... but truth and reality is but a pesky inconvenience. 😅
This was one of the hardest things about my mother’s intense hostility toward me. The way she told anyone who would listen that I was a desructive force. But a lady I church told me she believed my problems with my mother were not my fault. That was a relief to hear from an adult I trusted
🤗 funny story to make you laugh, hopefully: My mom took me to a convent with priests to perform an exorcism on me bc I was a bad child. At age 15 or so. When we met with everyone the head of the convent and a few nuns told my mom that I wasn’t the problem. She was !! I felt so vindicated and relieved. The look on my mom’s face was hilarious, I wish I could convey it! 🤣 So I feel you
This is one of the most hurtful, soul crushing things that was done to me by my narcissistic mother and narcissistic brother and sister, pretty much my entire life. And I'm 49. 💔💔 It all started when my mom and sister got me kicked out of our family house in my early 20's. My mom said it was temporary; she lied and never let me back home. I was abandoned and ostracized from that point on. No one from the family, including relatives, have ever asked for my side of the stories that were told (except for my grandmother, who took me in.)
Grandma probably been knew her child was crazy. When I look back my grandma and uncle used to say little things about my mom that as an adult I realized they always knew she was problematic.
My narc mom has told people that she is responsible for all the financial security my husband and I have....a total lie!! She has told people I have abandoned her....I phone her 2-3 times a day.. And visit 1-2 times per week. I was with my dad everyday for weeks before his death. She tells others that I showed up the day he died. She has said horrible untrue things about me and my husband. She is an elderly woman, who unfortunately many naive people believe. It is so frustrating.
@@bonitobonita9263 I wonder how they made. Sometimes I can see a clear pattern of abuse. But other times, some people are born with it as a mental illness I think
@@ilikeitlikethat7305 if you call conditions like severe autism mental illness, yeah sometimes we are born with it. But personality disorders are made by the environment they are brought up. We need to have some potential to develop PDs, but we don’t born with it. This is not my opinion but clinical fact(at least at this moment)
Harrowing statement that can relate like a game of chess of constant mind games and BS. Always walking on eggshells. Master manipulators to say the least.
💯 yup and if people are smart they would understand that no body in their right mind would or should talk like that about their own kid seriously who would do that Narcissists that's who.💯
Mine did. She continued to throw up my past until they all think I'm crazy. I grew up with her, the crazy one. Hopefully she's too old to keep it up. My life with my son and grandkids were ruined many years ago. Soon to be 90, I pray she doesn't talk crap about me anymore. The damage has already been done. I don't trust a single one of my family and shall continue to live my life.
Especially when it's something so outrageous that you yourself have a hard time understanding how anybody could just believe it without asking questions. When they can't find anything about you worth gossiping about, they make it up. It's sad how easily manipulated some people are. You sure find out who your friends really are.
@@jodizellmer994 I think it works like the witch hunts and the bullies at school. Someone points at you with whatever bs and everyone join in happily because it creates a sense of union in a group. Us go lynching them but them is usually one person and gets isolated because getting on their side is dangerous and people are cowards. If someone from outside the group could ask anyone from the lynching mob apart what the victim did to them to deserve the harassment and they were honest they will say: nothing and when asked why they are harassing or bully that person they will answer: because I can. I think this has happened along history many times. Having a scapegoat gives a group cohesion and some common activity to share which gives an identity to the group. It must be some kind of old instinct from when tribes had to get together to hunt and once the prey has been hunted they throw a rite or celebration. From an anthropologist view is documented human sacrifice was a practice around the world in old times. It's been everywhere except from the tribes of north America, maybe because they were nomads and didn't settled in one place for long.
Trying to sabotage my happiness and distort who I am and always trying to destroy my character because of envy and they don't stop and the power manipulated a lot of people against me
I was abused by my parents, my extended family thought of me as slightly odd with some of their comments made, this has made me wonder if my mother set me up.
I went to visit my Dad's best freind suffering from Alzheimers. He didn't recognize me but when I mentioned my name, his response was- "That guy is no good. I know that because his father's been telling me for years" Everything makes sense now.
I know what you mean. I have a degree, bought a house, never been on drugs, never arrested, never been pregnant, never yelled at them, but still I'm crazy and I'm the worst.
Same. Towards the last few months of my dad's life, my mother was doing bizarre things, constantly wanting to go to the bank, and wanted me to give her control over my bank account. Psycho. I understand now she was losing her narcissistic supply of 52 years, and she was panicking. When I refused to give her control over my bank account, she denied me phone contact with my dying (enabler) dad (who by the way accused me of not knowing how to talk with my mom nicely.... LOL! Ugh.). He finally died January 27, 2024 after two years of her hoovering me constantly that he was "not eating anymore." He broke the world's record for survival without food -- two years. No contact. And I blocked her entire family as well, as they are all Cluster B. :( Realizing what she'd done all my life, scares the fuck out of me that I'll become like her. But then, I realized, she's been like that since she was a child -- aunts and uncles told me stories of how she'd steal money from her older sister....... so it's a demon that has inhabited her for 78 years. It ain't leaving. The only thing I could do was protect myself, my poor husband (who patiently waited for me to get a clue), and my kids from her.
Very difficult. One way to say -- but I think generally they can nurture until a child is getting into school age. It is around school age that children begin to differentiate a bit
You just described my mother! I've pushed back for years against this but to no avail. The kicker is that she prides herself on being a "good christian". A true follower of Christ wouldn't perpetuate this behavior for years.
My parents used the idea of a prayer concern to speak badly about me. Please pray for her, she’s lost…. I get it. Mixing religion and abuse is difficult too.
YES TRUE. BECAUSE NARCISSISTIC ARE ACTUALLY DEMONS.. I HAVE EXPERIENCED EVERYTHING HE HAS SAID.. SHE EVEN HAD PEOPLE WANTING TO FIGHT ME BECAUSE OF THINGS SHE HAS SAID.. NOW IAM DEALING WITH FLYING MONKEYS.. ITS A NITE MARE.. IAM A CHRISTIAN WHO. HAS BEEN DEALING WITH THIS SINCE CHILDHOOD..IAM NO CONTACT. SHE IS 99YEARS OLD AND STILL IS A DEMON..
how come most of them are religious christians? mine is super religious - i'm talking praying for hours in the middle of the night, going to church religiously, and even pastoring people (those poor souls) .
The family enmeshment kept them from thinking for themselves (yet they mistakenly believe they are thinking for themselves) program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Ladies and gentlemen, the flying monkeys secretly hates the narcissist and secretly admire you. It’s just that they won’t admit it or show you on the outside. Why? Because they fear that if they stood up for you, they will eventually disappoints the narcissist and they don’t want the narcissist to turn against them. So basically they are using the scapegoat a shield to protect themselves from the main narcissist. 😅
Truth ... they won't accept reality if you tell them how what they do makes you feel and the possible consequences. When I drew a line in the sand with my covert narc mother she went off the scales with her nastiness and vindictiveness. She attacked me in every possible way. All personal attacks. Most of them 100% fictitious. The rest with only tenuous links to any truth. None of them related to what I had told her. She then smeared me to everyone and anyone we both knew. That was it. She was out of my life entirely. I didn't even know she had died until over a year after the fact. All I felt was relief.
My CN mom refused to follow my boundaries. The first boundary was to not tell me why I couldn't succeed in my projects. I told her several times. I then gray rocked her for well over a year and hadn't spoken to her well over 1 year. My 1/2 brother, who she adopted out at the age of 2, died, and She was all over getting his estate, even though he had been adopted out by her, he had NO HEIRS BESIDES me and his half siblings. ( HER CHILDREN) I helped her to get the paperwork done. (After her playing dumb, I realized She knew all about it, having worked for a county TREASURY.) DURING THE RIDE TO the county, she said to me." Me and my " Golden Child" are going to go and strip the valuable items and throw the rest away." (She had not revealed to anyone locally that he was her son!) I felt like she was trying to ERASE Him. I protested that. I told her that was wrong. She tried to "butter me up" by telling me all the attributes I had to get me to cooperate with her. I told her You do not know ANYTHING about me." He'd lived in my town for over 15 years. She did get the rights to his estate! He lived in my town, and I said I'd help her to clean out his apartment. (He rented from the small town I live in) It was known he had quit a gun collection. It was worth around $10,000. From the gossip around town, I heard he had a friend come and take it. I told her "flying monkey" ( my son), the guns were gone! Immediately, She no longer had ANY interest. So, I hired people to help me. I gave things to his friends and paid over $1,000. to finish. She had alluded to the fact my whole adult life that she'd adopted him out when he was born. She revealed that he was actually 2+ YO. She harassed him when he first moved here. She lied about everything to his half siblings, turning her current family against him. I did try being a true sister to him until we had a misunderstanding. He, being a Narcissist also, turned against me about 5 years before he died. He refused to talk to me about it. I realized after he died that She KEPT HIM FOR THE 2 YEARS. I COULD THEN SEE WHY HE WAS SO HURT! ( Abandonment issues.) I cried for over a year. Being the oldest child, I had many memories of "HER LIES and HALF TRUTHS." She turned my half siblings away from me, reporting things that I never said. (She told my 1/2 SISTER I WAS TELLING EVERYONE I SAID SHE WAS A CHILD MOLESTER!) My NC mom was lazy, she hated my DAD, anI looked exactly like him. I was a Cinderella my whole life. My life really unfolded when I went to a therapist. My therapist spent most of the time listening to me. She declared my mom was "Evil." I cut her out completely after that. I especially miss my 1/2 sister. I had esentially raised my 1/2 siblings from the day they were born. I was their Mom, really. However, I am much more mentally stable. I am off several drugs. I am 70 now. I didn't realize my CN mom was a narcissist until I was 64. The hardest part for me was seeing all the losses that I had because of her hateful rearing of me! She kicked me out of the house at 17, my senior year in HS, for no reason at all.
@@pamelahawn9300 I’m sorry you endured all that garbage. It still boggles my mind how insanely nasty, cruel and selfish narc parents can be to their own children. I didn’t learn what mine were until age 55. So many wasted years, but at least I have peace now.
@josiah5776 Yes, that makes it all worth it to me! I am still working on the personal habits I used to survive. I have trust issues and one of my goals is to make healthy friends. I am trying. I am setting boundaries. A new friend, who I trusted, is stealing from me. So, now I am dealing with that. SO HARD!
@@pamelahawn9300 I understand. The trust thing is so difficult to overcome. I have a psychologist friend who gave me a Big-5 personality inventory. He remarked, "Wow, I have never seen someone score zero on trust. You are so far beyond fearing betrayal that you have come to expect it as an inevitable occurrence, like the sun coming up in the morning."
This is my mother, I didn’t realize she had been sabotaging me my entire life. It took me too long to figure her out, by the time I was in therapy she had turned my whole family against me and recently my own adult daughters. My mother is the sneakiest . I hold all of her secrets and she turns people against me somehow. I know she likes to buy people things and she will allow my children to make bad decisions just to go against me. My life is a crazy movie.
I'm putting my money on a BPD mom - for sure. They give out gifts galore, mostly things you do not need or want, as payment for the pleasure of brainwashing your kids and stomping on your boundaries!
My narc mom, is a slum Lord, she rented to drug dealers, prostitutes , gang bangers anyone to get money. The home owners on a street where I moved into one of her slums, thae neighbors came to me and told me that she said that "I" owned that building. They were going to get together to sue her for devaluing their properties. To get out of it. She threw me under the bus. " Oh, I don't own this building, I'm just managing for my daughter who lives is Arizona"! A total complete LIE to get out of getting sued! I Was NEVER a signer on the deed for the building. Pure freaking EVIL.
Narcissist = would throw their kid under the bus to save themselves. And yet, people say we should "honor" them. Your mom LIED. She broke at least one Commandment there, and I'm positive she's broken many others. No point in "honoring" parents like that. My mother is the same way, and all her narc-y relatives expect me to bow down to her too. NOPE. I don't "honor" liars. I hope you are away from your mom...... she will bring you down otherwise.
You might answer this in this video but I want to say it while I remember.. Part of it for me is the shock of how gullible the people are that believe their lies.. The flying monkies..
Most people think with their emotional process not their thinking process. I call it feel-think. That's why. program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
All these dynamics were present in my life. Both my parents were narcs, but my covert narc mother did by far the most damage. When I finally called her on her BS, she turned the entire 50+ extended family against me ... even my own son and his wife. She use inheritance (switched from me to my son) very effectively. Who knew that my own son was so materialistic that he'd sell out his own father for a few hundred thousand. He also assisted others (including my mother) to have me falsely accused of a crime I did not commit. The charges were dismissed. He is dead to me now. All mutual friends we (mother and son) had also disappeared. It was a bitter pill, but I have come to see it as a litmus test of who to keep in my life. I don't care if these people truly believe what she told them. Their actions harmed me and I don't want them in my life again. I am hard pressed to think of a more cruel, deceitful, manipulative and evil person than my mother was.
Part of dad's humiliation was to show me off like a Ken doll and say "and for having severe learning disabilities and being such a klutz he is doing pretty well for himself". Been out of my life 30 years but still resides in my head.
What should be pointed out to parents saying these lies about their children is “who raised them?”. If the people hearing this nonsense don’t stop to question why a mother would be so quick to say that her own child is so horrible without feeling some sense of personal responsibility, those people never really loved or knew you either. I didn’t find out until my mom was gone how much she lied about me, but people did tell me what she said and most of them clearly distanced themselves from her after she started her campaign. Some family members said she started when I was only ten years old and they knew how wrong it was but they were afraid of losing touch with me so they never confronted her.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, it happened to me too 😔💔 I always see people complaining about their narc children under these videos and my question is always: who raised them?! They think they are so smart playing victim to circumstances they created by being the narc or the enabler of one!
This happened to me for decades. I didnt clue in until I started learning about scapegoating and there was a family mobbing. I was forced to face the abuse and go no contact. Best thing I ever did. I was 57 when I discarded the whole nasty cabal.
Wow. I'm about to do the same. Mother 93 and brother two years younger than me. They were converted into narcs by the stepfather. He brought out the worst in both of them. They see the world from the narc perspective. Fearful and angry. Hateful. Now they have turned on me. I guess I should not be surprised. I need legal counsel. 😢😡😢
My grandmother held Inheritance over my head for over 50 years, and then yanked it away from me. She gave her whole Ranch, cattle and all, to my sister, and left me nothing.
Wow, you describe exactly how it was for me with my narc parent. As the family scapegoat, my narc "mother" would tell my aunts and uncles how "terrible" I was. (She'd even call my employers and tell them how horrible she thought that I was). And at the same time, she would speak about my "golden child" sister like she was a god or something, even though she was an absolute abusive terror. Nothing was sacred, everything personal about me was spread like wildfire and embellished from her. So I distanced myself from my relatives, which is a very large family, but I got so tired of being made out to be a terrible person from all of her lies. And of course the distancing made me look worse in their eyes, but it was better than putting up with it. I've now been no-contact for over five years from all of them. Thank goodness. My trauma therapy is helping me to navigate through undoing all of the terrible things in my head planted by her. It's a journey that I'm glad to be on. 🙏🦋
You described the story of my life ✨💫. I’ve been estranged from my nuclear family for 10 years… and living the good life. When my dad contacted me out of the blue a few months ago and tried to make me jealous of my siblings I felt sick to my stomach. A stark reminder why I severed ties to begin with. I told my dad: I’m not interested in communication, but I wish him and the family the best. I didn’t even cry, or feel the severe depression I used to. This time, I felt somewhat disappointed, but not the least bit surprised 😎.
One of the tactics my mom ised against me was my depression. She would tell people I had to take medication and that that made me someone not to be believed. She would tell people the medication messed with my head, making me untrustworthy. Then, when i would counter by saying I hadn't taken them for a while, she would say "obviously not, because you clearly need them", implying that I needed to take them to not be crazy and untrustworthy. So either way, my medication was used against me. If I took them or bot, it didn't matter. She would always be able to twist the narrative to whichever way was convenient for her.
As soon as you get a bad gut feeling, just write them off. Dealing with them after that point just turns into this psychoanalyzing, mostly of yourself and the situation. The real problem is parents that groom you to keep putting up with this bullshit.
My malignant narcissist mom not only would turn people against me, she would also steal my friends from me. These were my high school and college friends who were too young to even associate with her. She would talk about me behind my back, and reveal personal information to embarrass me.
Same. Intentional sabotage. From trying to get friends to stay away from me to scaring off partners behind my back. Starting negative narratives with random mutual acquaintances and spinning lies at my job. Knows no bounds.
Yessss, when my mother didn't want me to wear something I liked or wanted to manipulate for whatever crazy reason, she would tell me that "all her friends said that I always dress so terribly and look so awful ... or something along those lines". What normal person would risk their friendship by tearing a friend's child down over superficial things? All SUCH lies .... but I always knew that the friends weren't the problem, it was the devil within!!!
I no longer even have the desire to keep people in my life that believe the lies and manipulation and attack me. They can go too honestly. I no longer give af 😒
Sorry to hear that. When I was a teenager, the home was a hellish atmosphere always. I'd go out if my friends weren't around, just to have a break from it. I live in a small town and you know, inevitably I would bump into family members, aunts, uncles and so on and get the same talking to. My mother made them flying monkeys.
As a kid my mother tried embarrassing me telling the neighbor in front of me that I still sucked my thumb at age 11 but it was her and my father's abuse having me self-sooth. My mother took my handicap sister's bridge card and took groceries for her and her new husband years later and I said it was fraud so she alienated my sister from me. I don't trust that I can keep myself safe.
Its a good test to see how the other family members really think about and care for you...if they are that easily manipulated and just believe it without questioning it and just turn away from you like that, they can go!!! 🖕🏻
Same. Both my parents were narcs, but my covert narc mother did by far the most damage. When I finally called her on her BS, she turned the entire 50+ extended family against me ... even my own son and his wife. She use inheritance (switched from me to my son) very effectively. Who knew that my own son was so materialistic that he'd sell out his own father for a few hundred thousand. He is dead to me now. All mutual friends we had also disappeared. It was a bitter pill, but I have come to see it as a litmus test of who to keep in my life. I am hard pressed to think of a more cruel, deceitful, manipulative and evil person than my mother was.
Me too! My covert narc mother was ALWAYS playing the victim - I thought narc father was so mean, so uncaring and self involved (total narc) but she was a real sh*t too. When he was running late for work, as soon as he pulled out of the driveway she’d call the office and ask for narc father so the boss would know he wasn’t there and get him into trouble. She pit us kids against each other (still does) and would sit back to watch the fireworks - watch us argue/fight amongst ourselves - like we were her entertainment. Narc mother is an old collapsing narcissist now and it’s really sad and pathetic but I have compassion for her - from far away - I know what she is capable of. My brother no longer invites her (or anyone) over for Christmas because of her antics. He takes the family on vacation at Christmastime now. This enrages narc mother… I LOVE Christmas and last Christmas Narcm made plans with me only to cancel late on Christmas Eve so it was too late for me to make other plans. Maybe I’m petty but I think she did it on purpose to ruin the holiday for me.(yes, I’m still stinging from that one and it’s March already….. will be making holiday plans solo from now on). I don’t know why I care, it should be a relief not to deal with her dramatics and complaining not to mention the energy drain effect she has on me 😢
My narcissistic mother certainly did these things. I learnt about them over a number of years from my father. Unlike my mother, he would tell me things and leave what I did with this as I wanted. (Or didn't want.) The one thing my mother did was talking to others in the family about me. Her favorite word was 'irresponsible', but frankly I knew this for many years. However, the abuse merely continued, and that was where I refused the game. The narcissist never change.
My mom turned our family members against me and each other. She did this by telling us bad things about each other. When we were altogether, she was silent. The awkwardness caused us to not share our feelings with each other. When my father stated to her that he was contemplating suicide, she told him that she thought that was a good idea. He took his life the next day. She actually laughed when she told me about this. I never spoke to her again after that.
Omg that's horrible, I'm so sorry for your dad. My father had a heart attack in my 20s and I thought he was gonna die, he recovered, but this deeply affected me, some time after my mother told me in a very candid conversation that he wished his death, she told me in such a casual way, like it was nothing. This confirmed me that she was a complete narcissist, no empathy at all, for me or my dad.
Fascinating how a narcissist actually tells on themselves in their attack. You said it early in video, "the reverse is true", the exact thing they accuse you of is what they are doing. Also, I totally relate to the manipulations with " flying monkeys" and using ' information you shared innocently against you. Thank you for your insight and wisdom. It is so incredibly valuable and your way with words is so practical! Nice to have some humor in it too, it's all so pitiful and painful, but healable with knowledge!
Yep. My dad constantly cancels plans with me and my kids and almost never replies to texts or calls me back. When we do meet, he acts bored with me and insults me and my family. Then he goes to his newest wife and tells her his kids are alienating him from his grandkids and how horrible his kids are and how ungrateful we are and has her attacking us because he's the "poor victim" who can't fight his own battles. I have no idea what he stands to gain except maybe getting his wife to do his dirty work for him and take care of him while he plays the 'victim.'
Yes, this is spot on!! Thank you for bringing this to light. It's so unfair that they play victim and get others to hate..the REAL victim! My narcissistic parents and their delusional, hateful flying monkeys can have eachother. I walk away with my freedom and my life. It's sickening the depths they will stoop to, to slander/dehumanize their innocent targets. My mom threw me under the bus all my life yet wanted total compliance..nope. I refused to be her servant. Always. Boundaries.
THIS! I had no idea it was happening until it was too late. My MIL would tell my husband a bunch of confidential information about his sisters relationship (SIL was 17 when she started dating a guy who was 28). Sometimes, she would even share this information infront of me. I tried to ignore it as it felt uncomfortable. This information made my husband and I dislike her husband even more because we thought she was being emotionally abused. Little did we know, my MIL was doing the same to my SIL but talking bad about me! The things she was saying about me though were either extreme exaggerations or blatant lies. When we confronted my MIL about her habit of doing this, not just with us but other family members (uncles, aunts, cousins) as well, her response was “I can’t control other people. They interpret information how they want and if they share it with others, that’s not my fault”. She is a master at triangulation and a master manipulator.
It's a revelation to me that so many others have experienced this, too. Before I discovered the concept of the "narcissistic parent," I thought this was my sole lot in life. But no, so many people have endured the exact same thing. I feel seen for the first time in my life.
Be forewarned that if you don’t engage in the drama, they might just straight up tell you and others that you reacted the way they wanted you to react. This is the most brutal, because they show that you’re just playing a role in a play they created and it doesn’t even matter what you say or do. Others believe them too cause the reaction they say you had is an expected reaction, especially with the narrative they’ve created 💙🙏🏻💙
Not sure about this, I think a lot of people just wont accept the truth to avoid responsibility, but I believe in karma & these people have to live with their actions, evilness etc ..this gives me a bit of release/justice
Right on target Jerry! My dad just wrote me out of his will because he wanted one of my mom's pieces of artwork I was going to sell to pay my bills. When he sold the house, with a sweep of his arm - "You figure out what to do with your mom's art." My mom's artwork is the only inheritance I will get. He also sent one brother a "nastygram" berating him, after ranting at him what parasites my son and I are. The other brother hasn't spoken to me, so I don't know if he turned him against me too, or if he wrote both brothers off .Other Christian family have sent me cards saying "repent". What a nasty mess... I think I should write a book called "Lies We Tell Ourselves And Others".
Im not anti-christian, but your story says everything you need to know about what the christian church and christian families have become, just a guilt tripping cult
My 87 year old mother to a T! Just went no contact the day after Christmas. But now she’s dying and a couple of my kids are telling me that I’ll regret going no contact. After all, she’s old and dying. Oh well. She knew that this day would come. But I know she thought I’d always be there
I didn't understand this when I was a child that my father had bad mouthed me ahead of time before reunions. I spent most of the time away from the festivities because of the way they all looked at me. The narcissist has to do this so that you won't tell
100% they go on the smear campaign early, in your young years "they knew" you are a truth teller and one day you will tell people the truth about them so they get in to smear your name so no one will talk to you. Pure calculative evil meat suit. Go no contact with them all gossipers let them have eachother
My family used my name in a member's obit but never told me about the death. I only found out a month later by chance on the Internet. Then, Golden child sister used this to brand me as selfish and callous--"he didn't even send a card."
I am so sorry. This is my fear when my mom dies. My aunt refused to give me phone access to her when she had a stroke in late 2021, after I had moved states away for a job and with my young family. Hang in there
Ahhhhh now things make sense to me after listening to this. My mom use to lie about me and when people can’t believe what she says about me then she retaliated towards me such as yelling to me, not talking to me for weeks/months, shames me with guy that I dated years back that didn’t work, telling my younger brother that I will steal his money when I never steal anything in my life. I gonna out of my ways and told people when they ask me what she says that if they can’t believe her or support me they should say nothing.
This is so prevalent…since earliest memories alienating caring but imperfect family members and thought this was normal …as a victim of scapegoating from my family of origin and then later parental alienation you are left with this enormous self doubt …I am not perfect …but I’m worthwhile… thank you Jerry
My mom is this way. She had me on the phone one day, her best friend with her during the phone call. She says to me in a voice obviously meant for her friend, "I'd loan you some money but I'm sure you'll leave town with it." I have never borrowed from my mother ever, she's never had money. I have always been self sufficient and proud of this. I was mortified she said this in that way, and suddenly a lifetime of instances became clear as a bell. This woman has been sabotaging me my whole life. She currently is furious with me because I won't leave my husband, get rid of my cat, quit my career and move into her assisted living apartment to take care of her. WTF DOES THIS?!
I remember my parents doing this to me once. It was weird! One time I was with my parents, and a group of their friends. Suddenly, they all circled me and stared at me silently. It was creepy! I had done nothing to them.
#1 in my family is financially lying and shaming that one or another owes the other money. Telling others that a brother does not pay his debts. No one knows the truth so lies are ok. Triangulation.
Us away from the family the family out of us and then creating or recreating an entire identity that works on our own behalf. It's no small order. I've seen people do it young and it's amazing. I'm still 54 going on 55 and struggling and fighting my ass off. So emotionally painful and abandoning. That's so much better than being somebody's friggin monkey..
I had a narcissist family member and friend do this to me in the past. Their manipulation really did work for years, turning others against me. Defending myself didn't work at all. but the truth eventually came out. So, don't worry! there is nothing so closely concealed that won't be revealed at some point.
Before I knew what a piece of slime my narc mother is, I told her a lot of things about me 😟😖. I was weak and just answered whatever she asked. Now I try to keep things from her, but she’s still trying to find out whatever she can. She managed to buy over some people who used to matter to me. It sucks, not because they still matter to me, but it’s draining, because I just want her and flying monkeys to leave me alone.
Another horrible situation is when my narc sibling sent my nephew to spy on my husband’# social media to find dirt on me and my husband. This was due to me asserting myself calmly and respectfully to counter my sibling’s abusive gossiping.
It's gross how distorted their behavior becomes when we stick up for ourselves. And involving her Son, your newphew to do the "dirty work" shows what a sad excuse for a parents she is too! I experienced something similar & my sister directed her son, my newphew to steal my phone out of my purse. It was so gross! 😊
You have hit on many things I've had to deal with. The whole family getting together and then the conversation turns to my life. Im not there but I know when this has happened; I can tell by the comments that are made to me during the next phone call. You are absolutely right, keep information about ourselves to a minimal. Anything can be used against me, absolutely anything. It doesn't work anymore. It may get a delayed reaction out of me when the N. cannot see or hear but then I get the reaction under control and recognize it for what it is. I wish I had this knowledge decades ago.
I knew something was wrong when I was about 13, and I had an argument with my mom. I was sure I was in the right, and when I told my dad, he took my mom's side. I couldn't believe it. It was something equivalent to a moral issue or something, and I was dumb founded by the hypocrisy.
The parent's should know better to be able to see the truth if not then I would walk away from the sibling and parent's because people who care about you and know you would see right through the BS.
root cause is always unfortunately parents. they turned my brother against me, now he scapegoats me too. something i wish teachers would talk about more is the fallen golden child. i had to conform to them because they were too abusive, oldest sister parentified, then when i tried to escape them they triangulated my brother, and loads of other people really, against me. now stuck back living with them while they drain everything from me and act like it's my fault. my brother too. it's horrible.
This happened to me. My older brothers (I have no sisters) not only told lies about me to my parents, but also to the neighborhood kids and classmates, both as children and as adults. My youngest brother's son called him on it, and it resulted in a fistfight, with my brother throwing the first punch.
@@gardenswell same here all 3 of my siblings are against me and mistreat me but I just keep my distance. Send them love from a far and hope one day they see the truth. ❤
How about Narc children turning siblings against a parent, who was 'left for dead' after a divorce because 'father' had more to offer. For example a 600 acre farm with Manor House and five holiday cottages and he married their pub job 'boss?
I started to blatantly lie about my motivations when interacting with narcissists. "I didn't call because I knew how stressed you are right now and I didn't want to burden you additionally by my phone call and expose you to my bad mood." "I won't visit you, because you already have so much on your plate and I don't want to burden you with the extra work my visit would cause." "I'm not sure whether I will keep this job and I would have been ashamed if I told you that I lost this job, so I wanted to be settled to tell you about it." "I know you were sad that you weren't able to attend this event, so I didn't told you I was there, so you weren't be even more sad."
@@BlackSheep380 I am honest with the people I love. But with people who can harm me, I'm cautious. Although I have to admit that it is easier to write than to talk. I'm an awful liar. But there are narcs out there who can harm me severely. So I am cautious.
My parents tried really hard to turn my first born child against me. Actually alienated her when she was vulnerable for years behind my back. Thankfully she started to see through what they were saying but it was very damaging for many years. They turned extended family against me too. We are permanantly estranged. I have no energy to offer them anymore.
I’m so happy to get away from my narc mother I used multiple cease and desist letters over the last decade the last cease and desist letter i threatened to sue she actually tried to triangulate my husband to have me met in a secret location to have me taken away for “treatments “ and I am 42 years old . Every thing in this video is what she does to me . Hiring an attorney to get her away from me and going no contact was the best thing I did ever !
My mom recently asked me " are you still drinking a whole bunch of wine?" I never have. I guarantee either a relative or a friend of hers was at her house to hear this conversation
@@brendamoon2660 Oh yeah. That's the kind of questions they ask in front of people. Doesn't have to be remotely true. The seed has been planted or if they already planted one, they are watering it.
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My family is exactly how you described.Precisely.
I think I lost my emphaty and feelings after all.I had to greystone too long.
They will care@@rtshaw3621
I'm atheist.
The narcissistic parent also knows that, in society, you have no defenses against whatever narrative they tell others about you, specifically because they are your parent. They know people are LITERALLY BLINDED by the word “mother”. That a mother is undoubtedly loving, well-meaning and truthful. If she says anything about you, well, it must be true.
They can be extremely jealous and hateful.
That’s exactly what my mother did and relied on to make sure that no one would even suspect her. The flying monkeys are quick to believe that all mothers are angels.
@@marajade784 How bad did she do you and what was the point of it?
Yes, even my Christian relatives believe the lies and gaslighting.
@@christymartin6281 What did they blame you on?
The worst is when they try to turn your kids against you.
Yes, it is devastating😢
When my children told me "I love you mama!" around my narc mother she would visibly react. It was like by my children living me, something was taken away from her. Of course they loved her as well, but she expected them to live her more than me .
She wreaked havoc in my marriage with my other family members and tried her damnest to turn my children against me. I wish I had known more about the nature of the beast of narcissist mothers sooner. But knowing it now has helped in healing now she's gone. Sadly the damage has been done and some relationships may never be repaired whatsoever.
Or the children of your siblings. Also telling lies to relatives over the phone, knowing someone is always listening
Keep your children away from them. My egg donor tried that with my son, and he got her told IMMEDIATELY. He never like her after that. He was 10 years. He rarely saw her anyway because I stayed away from her. Only seen her at family funerals. No family reunions, family gatherings, family visits, NOTHING.
My kids are getting in their 30's and are now seeing my moms maniplating ways. I try not to talk to them about how difficult my relationship with my mom is.
Remember if your narc parents talk shit about others they probably talk shit about you as well.
Yep! Recently was around the father, and the way he criticized another lady for having multiple children to different men..like he was disgusted! (I have children to different fathers too due to terrible circumstances) , I thought well he might be telling others I'm a whore, or whatever behind my back
Never uncommon in my upbringing for my dad to corner me and divulge his thoughts on others. He talked about family members constantly, and personal information about my parents relationship (before and after the divorce) and my stepmother and dads relationship.
No one wonder I got the shingles at 10.
@@ios7679 Ah yesAnd spot on
Yup. Notice, they always have someone in the barrel that they relentlessly bitch about during the forced/coerced get togethers. They always have some target in mind.
my mom and dad would talk about the whole family both sides my mother would downgrade their jobs and even laugh about them when I was a child I didnt understand what was wrong my mother didnt have a job which is ok to be a housewife but would just yell cleaning the house and cooking
What hurts worse is that the others believe them. For me, that was what done the most damage 😐
Yeah. Others believing them hurts in so many ways. Isolates you from help and support, makes it hard to trust other people, makes you wonder if the gaslighting is actually the truth... It's scary and it really messes with you.
@@Sky-bx9mn My egg donor did the same thing and many of my family members believed them, however, I did not care because I had an extended family that was AWESOME. After I got away from her, I NEVER FELT UNLOVED or UNWANTED. My extended family was LOVING, truthful, encouraging, patience, kind, supportive and they were always concerned about my well being. Blood creates one family, but love creates another family with strong and unbreakable bonds.
My aunts, uncles, and cousins were told (when I was in my 50s) that I started being involved in Satanism when I was 10 years old! I was living in my parent's house and had to be in bed by 8:30 year 'round! I have no idea who believed that but it definitely resulted in broken relationships.
Yes. I understand. That is ALWAYS what hurts the most and does the most damage.
Walking into that room and feeling that awkward silence and getting the side eye from everyone. Like they are in the presence of a murderer or so.ething. nope, just the scapegoat. Not a criminal or anything.
I had no idea my parents were turning people against me until everyone was gone. I was so shocked and sad at the power they had over others, but now I have a new little tribe so not all is lost.
This is exactly what I have experienced...specifically with not living up to obligations as an adult child. I noticed people shift away from me...specifically my mom's sister (I used to feel rather close with her). Then, my mom told me one day that she "vents" to her sister about me. I mean, why tell someone that in the first place, but then it made sense why that aunt never contacted me anymore.
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Happy for you that you have a new lil tribe ❤️, it is much better for your soul to pick your own soulmates vs trying to appease a family that will never be satisfied. I always wondered why my cousins, other family and her friends would always be stand-offish, but then I began to understand why when I got wind of some of the things that were being said. Yes, what she said was always taken as law. Blessing in disguise, cuz we learn to be self reliant and not depend on people who really aren't there for us. They are stuck in their 'old loop and old group.' Ugh it's draining trying to fit in. 'We were meant to stand out' ✨️
So glad for you. Yes, l'm in the same boat and it's a helluva shock, even at my age and that's knowing my mother was a psycho from when l was tiny. But l dont have your wee group yet
X❤
I feel you.
Narcissist mothers are so effective at distroying all your connections. Parents normally brag about their children so, no matter how wild the story is, people believe them. They think if your mother would criticize you it must be not only true but just the tip of the iceberg of what youve put them through.
Not if they have a history of mental illness that folks have been aware of
Yes, and the flying monkeys and enablers are born out of that.
Such fucking jealous liars
The thing is mother's like this are usually already pegged as a gossiper or promiscuous and it's well known. Someone should never accept advice about someone else from anyone they don't know extremely well in these cases they should do their own research into someone's personality before they pass judgement.
@user-dc6wz4dv3l of course they should but no one ever does. People love to believe gossip. Look at all the rumors that circulate about celebrities. I've often been just as angry with people for believing my mothers tales as her for telling them. It doesn't matter if someone is a known gossip. All that matters is if the story is interesting.
All these tricks can also be done by adult siblings
Yes indeed!
I’m completely alone in this world due to this from my now deceased parents as well as siblings.
Absolutely, my older sister picked up right where my Mom left off. I see right through her! 😊
You dont have to be alone
I know what you mean I have an older sister like that.
My narc mom always tells people i never tell her anything and she knows nothing about my personal life. Its because she entertains herself with my mistakes and uses everything against me. My partner has never even met her. I say its not a privilege to met her.
My narc husband never met my narc mother in 22 years we are together! 2 narcs together - No, Thanks! One at a time is more than enough 😅
What parents don't understand is if their kids don't confide in them about anything personal, there's a good reason for it.They are either to judgemental, negative, or give advice that benefits them only because everything has to be about them. You would think that would be anybody's first thought as well, especially a parent.
Exactly
My mother hides secrets and weaponizes personal information. And if you confront her about she gaslights and then cuts off communication. She then tells the rest of the family after cutting me off that I’m unstable.
Oof. Our culture puts such value and legitimizing on meeting the parents and sometimes you just gotta get it through folks' heads that the lack of introduction is a kindness, not an insult.
They even turn relatives and family against you .....
This can definitely apply to narcissistic siblings who are exactly like the narcissistic and toxic mother.
100%, that's my situation too.
That's my sister. Turned my kids against me as well.
@@barbarafrack7084 I'm sorry that happened to you 😭 my sister turned the rest of the family including my father against me. She stepped into the role of my mother when she died.
@@jennw6809 Same here. Sister nearly destroyed my life. I confided in her and never realized that she was using any confidence to undercut relationships, run off romantic interests, sabotage job advancement, damage possessions, stole, attempted to turn family against me. No one believed me until the abuse became obvious when I provided proof of her narcissistic behaviors. Went no contact 3 years ago. Best move I ever made.
@@rdh53Good for you. I walked away from my “family” roughly 40 years ago.
I actually have my own life without their deliberate evil in it.
✨
They will seek to be validated by anyone who will listen to endless hours of ranting
They collect people like trophies even though they can't stand most of them.
Not to get political but... Sounds like the orange criminal to me
This is so real
The endless babbling…
Yes, yes, yes...all these things happened to me. And while my parents were doing all this lying and back-stabbing, they also claimed to be devout church-going Christians.
They ALWAYS do! My mother brings out the best in abuse, a narcissistic paranoid, fanatical Christian, that would make the Taliban, blush, & & jot down notes from her, on how to use religious psychological warfare on such an effective level to crush the soul.
Sans church.
Weeeellll, BUT OF COURSE!! That's how "those people" ARE! I haven't been near a church in over 20 years because of my sick mother running her vicious, lying mouth and then her always running and hiding behind her Goddamned religion. And the "Boomers" just can't understand why young Americans today want absolutely NOTHING to do with their hypocritical, organized Christian religion these days!
Those are the worst hypocrites on earth. Those are exactly the ones Jesus will say "I never knew you! Depart from me you evildoers!"
I know exactly this narcs that use religion to mask themselves, the first my malignant narc mother a "devoted" catholic, they think they are spiritual (they have not spirit, but demons in their bodies) by pretending being religious.
When I was in my 40s, I was at an anniversary party for my parents. A friend of my parents came up to me and reminded me of how difficult I was as a teenager. He thought this was really humorous. I was absolutely mortified and angry but kept calm. I was not a difficult teenager at all.
To that group, you’ll always be a perpetual teenager. I was a good kid too, but I rebelled in high school by embracing punk rock. It shouldn’t have been the end of the world since it was normal teen rebellion, but I’m still paying for breaking the “rules” of the conformist narc family circle by being scapegoated into middle age. To my family and their friends of their generation, I’ll always be a petulant teen, talking back and breaking curfew. 🙄
Oh my. This happened to me at a dinner with my friend’s father who was a minister. He started telling people at the table how I was a less than good influence on my friends??? I said “WHAT?” His daughter retorted Dad! He proceeded to state how I would sneak out, try things that weren’t safe, blah blah blah. I said “Hey! “ who the hell are you talking about?” Certainly not me!” He tried to double down and say oh come on,tell the truth, you’re grown now.” Ok Burt! (Not his real name) here’s the truth. I never cursed, drank, smoked, had relations with a boy,sneaked out of the house or skipped school! These are all things that my friends did, but not me. My friend backed me up against her father and said out of all of her friends I was the most truthful and straight laced. He still insisted not what he had been told??? My Mother tried to destroy me any way she could, because she is mentally ill and jealous. Now I still have my same friends and make and keep friends easily. She has none, she finally showed everyone how insane she was. 57 years of hell from her & now I’m the one who makes sure she is taken care of, but I keep my peace, because she is a demonic entity and I am armed with truth. I’m strong in my faith and trust and it makes her skin crawl when I’m in her presence. She becomes agitated screaming acting nuts accusing me of things. I just sit there and listen to her literally argue with herself. I prayed all my life that her true self would be revealed and boy did she ever show people how wicked she truly is. She is the epitome of a tortured soul.its sad really.
At least you got to hear about it AND defend with the Truth! PRAISE JESUS!!!
@@Anne_Roseveltunfortunately that doesn’t ever change
Well I feel for you that's what my mum did telling others how difficult I am so it can take the pressure of her abusive husband .
My narc mom kept phoning my best friend of many years, to find out how it went with me and my second husband. On and on. My friend said "It goes wonderful!"
But he turned out to be an alcoholic. She must have snuffel some out. One day my friend said to her:"Lady, if you think that I 'll gossip with you about your daughter, you are making a big mistake! And hang up
You have agreat friend!
Beautiful.
I wish my husband had said that when my mother went after him.
Rare as hell
My mother did this to me, I lost family, friends, she even controlled how doctors and psychiatrists treated me (as an adult!), she tried with my therapist but thankfully she realised and stopped her. She used to call my partner's mum crying to tell her that she was scared I was gonna off myself (lies). Now I can't trust people, everyone is so easy to manipulate, and they believe these lies so easily.
Dealing with this now.
I am 44 - I am finding out way too late that she never loved me. Nor did my father.
Yes to all… and it’s incredibly rare for anyone to remember that they have only heard one side of the story. That’s not how the flying monkeys work.
👍
When my father in law was diagnosed with Parkinson's, my husbands family expected him to drop everything to take care of him. We had just opened a business we couldn't just drop it after investing our money in it! His mother was in denial and nasty, his brothers wouldn't even look, speak to their father, did nothing to help. I would provide meals for them a few times a week and the queen bee complained about it! Since he passed and the queen bee's health/mobility are failing, we are expected to clean house etc. We are not, his oldest brother (67) still lives with her for free, his entire adult life, he owes her, we do not! My character has been attacked on sooooo many levels, its unreal. The no contact works in our best interest.
No contact is the only way
My mom was 42 when she had me and twin….with ivf….after 7 miscarriages. By the time I was 18, I knew there was something wrong with my mom but she always said there’s nothing she’s fine. Extremely healthy and “will live forever”. But see my mom was already diagnosed and getting treated for Parkinson’s. She was diagnosed with late stage Parkinson’s when I was 18 bc she didn’t want cps to take her retirement plan and indentured servants/caretakers. I later learned she actually has the gene for juvenile Parkinson’s…which starts before age 21. So now it makes sense that’s why she was like absolutely trying to have kids like a mad woman. She literally only stayed with my dad until she got kids then left. It was like that was all she wanted. She lied and told me and twin we had a college fund and enough for a 4 years degree. She repeatedly told us that the money was on the way and to take out loans meanwhile. Eventually a few times a year she would scrounge up enough from her 401k and she made sure to let us know it was our fault she’d have to retirement now. I felt guilty and confused. She had told me before taking this financial obligation on that it wouldn’t be an issue. But now it seems there is no college fund. I was forced to watched crucial classes to progress in my degree fill up while unable to pay financial holds on my account. After 3 semesters I finally got her to admit I never had a college fund. And ofc then student loan payments were due bc I was full time anymore but I didn’t have a degree either. My dad had gotten us a car, but he wasn’t really in the picture bc she would not let him. In fact I found out the court actually found her in violation of the parenting agreement and that she was in fact alienating my father from us and abusing the court system with false claims. So he got us a car and my mom wouldn’t let either me or my twin take it college. She told us she’d drive it so it wouldn’t rust but she didn’t. And it rusted, and she wouldn’t put anything into fixing it. Instead of we wanted access to a car, we had to drive her to and from work. She refuses to pick a schedule and is constantly asking her boss to switch it so we can’t never have a set availability to get our own jobs. She was still getting behind th wheel. Unfortunately she wasn’t honest with me and my twin or her doctor. But after a stay in the hospital her nurse was shocked to find out she was still driving, and looked me in the eyes and told me she can’t do that anymore. Which I understand she could kill someone. Now I have to go to store, drive her to work, drive her to the doctor. I’m 23. And all she does is shit talk me to my family so that they never help me get out, and she’ll always have an indentured servant.
@@jillwhiting919 Yep I had to sacrifice my inheritance as well.
@@Groovygal2026she could get a taxi, your not a taxi service.
@@Groovygal2026 Your mother was a liar and a future-faker. My mother the same. It's so hard for people to believe that a mom can do these things to their child. Anyone who survives these types of moms (like YOU!) has some major fortitude. They are constantly sabotaging their own children.
According to my narc parent: I "dropped out" of college because I was "crazy and on drugs" (they did not pay my tuition as promised). It took me a few years to get myself financially sorted out to go back and meanwhile I never said a word to the family about their failure to pay as I did not want to embarrass them - only to discover later that they were dragging my name through the mud the whole time. 20 odd uears later, after they refused to bring one of my siblings to their home following their discahrge from the hospital/recovery from a long term illness (a plan they INSISTED on because "I couldn't handle looking after them"), I got blamed for "manipulating the situation to financially exploit" said sibling - even though this was the same person asking me to ask their employer to send them paychecks for safekeeping and I ended up spending 80K in a year for the siblings care. So I am crazy and a theif. Oh well.
I’m sorry that happened. I’m apparently “ crazy” and “on drugs” too
I'm so sorry 😞😞
Oh God. This sounds like my family 😂. I laugh but it's no laughing matter. I'm a gay junkie narcissist who chases everyone's woman and my son isn't mine even after the DNA test. The b.s. doesn't even match up... but truth and reality is but a pesky inconvenience. 😅
My dad, the recovering addict, told everyone in the family (behind my back) that I was on drugs 😅
@@elizabethl6187 projection much 🤣👌
This was one of the hardest things about my mother’s intense hostility toward me. The way she told anyone who would listen that I was a desructive force. But a lady I church told me she believed my problems with my mother were not my fault. That was a relief to hear from an adult I trusted
🤗 funny story to make you laugh, hopefully:
My mom took me to a convent with priests to perform an exorcism on me bc I was a bad child. At age 15 or so.
When we met with everyone the head of the convent and a few nuns told my mom that I wasn’t the problem. She was !! I felt so vindicated and relieved. The look on my mom’s face was hilarious, I wish I could convey it! 🤣
So I feel you
Im so happy for both of you!
This is one of the most hurtful, soul crushing things that was done to me by my narcissistic mother and narcissistic brother and sister, pretty much my entire life. And I'm 49. 💔💔 It all started when my mom and sister got me kicked out of our family house in my early 20's. My mom said it was temporary; she lied and never let me back home. I was abandoned and ostracized from that point on. No one from the family, including relatives, have ever asked for my side of the stories that were told (except for my grandmother, who took me in.)
Grandma probably been knew her child was crazy. When I look back my grandma and uncle used to say little things about my mom that as an adult I realized they always knew she was problematic.
My narc mom has told people that she is responsible for all the financial security my husband and I have....a total lie!! She has told people I have abandoned her....I phone her 2-3 times a day.. And visit 1-2 times per week. I was with my dad everyday for weeks before his death.
She tells others that I showed up the day he died. She has said horrible untrue things about me and my husband.
She is an elderly woman, who unfortunately many naive people believe.
It is so frustrating.
@@ilikeitlikethat7305but the grandma made the mother like that. Even if she wasn’t the main @buser, she was an enabler. No one born narcissist
@@bonitobonita9263 I wonder how they made. Sometimes I can see a clear pattern of abuse. But other times, some people are born with it as a mental illness I think
@@ilikeitlikethat7305 if you call conditions like severe autism mental illness, yeah sometimes we are born with it. But personality disorders are made by the environment they are brought up. We need to have some potential to develop PDs, but we don’t born with it. This is not my opinion but clinical fact(at least at this moment)
I had a parent like this. EVERYTHING was a poisonous power play.
Harrowing statement that can relate like a game of chess of constant mind games and BS.
Always walking on eggshells.
Master manipulators to say the least.
💯 yup and if people are smart they would understand that no body in their right mind would or should talk like that about their own kid seriously who would do that Narcissists that's who.💯
Facts narcs need to instigate
Mine did. She continued to throw up my past until they all think I'm crazy. I grew up with her, the crazy one. Hopefully she's too old to keep it up. My life with my son and grandkids were ruined many years ago. Soon to be 90, I pray she doesn't talk crap about me anymore. The damage has already been done. I don't trust a single one of my family and shall continue to live my life.
People don't like thinking but gossiping.
Why would anyone would want to loose the protection a healthy family can provide?
Especially when it's something so outrageous that you yourself have a hard time understanding how anybody could just believe it without asking questions. When they can't find anything about you worth gossiping about, they make it up. It's sad how easily manipulated some people are. You sure find out who your friends really are.
@@jodizellmer994
I think it works like the witch hunts and the bullies at school. Someone points at you with whatever bs and everyone join in happily because it creates a sense of union in a group. Us go lynching them but them is usually one person and gets isolated because getting on their side is dangerous and people are cowards. If someone from outside the group could ask anyone from the lynching mob apart what the victim did to them to deserve the harassment and they were honest they will say: nothing and when asked why they are harassing or bully that person they will answer: because I can.
I think this has happened along history many times. Having a scapegoat gives a group cohesion and some common activity to share which gives an identity to the group. It must be some kind of old instinct from when tribes had to get together to hunt and once the prey has been hunted they throw a rite or celebration. From an anthropologist view is documented human sacrifice was a practice around the world in old times. It's been everywhere except from the tribes of north America, maybe because they were nomads and didn't settled in one place for long.
Trying to sabotage my happiness and distort who I am and always trying to destroy my character because of envy and they don't stop and the power manipulated a lot of people against me
I was abused by my parents, my extended family thought of me as slightly odd with some of their comments made, this has made me wonder if my mother set me up.
YEP. Ditto here.
The abuse is bad enough but then the extended family thinks you deserve it
Defamation lies and evil fantasies
I went to visit my Dad's best freind suffering from Alzheimers. He didn't recognize me but when I mentioned my name, his response was-
"That guy is no good. I know that because his father's been telling me for years"
Everything makes sense now.
That's excruciating. I'm sorry you had to go through that
Trust me I feel your pain. Its hurtful. Weirdest thing when u can't figure out why they spend the time bad mouthing u to everyone.
Absolutely hurtful
I know what you mean. I have a degree, bought a house, never been on drugs, never arrested, never been pregnant, never yelled at them, but still I'm crazy and I'm the worst.
I’m so sorry you had to experience this. That sounds so overwhelming
My narcissistic birthing unit did this to me. I went no contact with her after my dad passed away. Best decision I ever made.
Birthing unit…nice summary
Same. Towards the last few months of my dad's life, my mother was doing bizarre things, constantly wanting to go to the bank, and wanted me to give her control over my bank account. Psycho. I understand now she was losing her narcissistic supply of 52 years, and she was panicking. When I refused to give her control over my bank account, she denied me phone contact with my dying (enabler) dad (who by the way accused me of not knowing how to talk with my mom nicely.... LOL! Ugh.). He finally died January 27, 2024 after two years of her hoovering me constantly that he was "not eating anymore." He broke the world's record for survival without food -- two years. No contact. And I blocked her entire family as well, as they are all Cluster B. :( Realizing what she'd done all my life, scares the fuck out of me that I'll become like her. But then, I realized, she's been like that since she was a child -- aunts and uncles told me stories of how she'd steal money from her older sister....... so it's a demon that has inhabited her for 78 years. It ain't leaving. The only thing I could do was protect myself, my poor husband (who patiently waited for me to get a clue), and my kids from her.
Narcissist birthing unit...lol....
Very difficult. One way to say -- but I think generally they can nurture until a child is getting into school age. It is around school age that children begin to differentiate a bit
Congratulations 🎉
Their victims are also likely to have addictions because of the abuse and neglect.
So sad. What kind of hurt heart NEEDS others to hate their own child? Thanks for your valuable information!
One that wants to discredit their child so that if they ever reveal the abuse, nobody will believe them
You just described my mother! I've pushed back for years against this but to no avail. The kicker is that she prides herself on being a "good christian". A true follower of Christ wouldn't perpetuate this behavior for years.
Narcissists always think they have a special pass to gossip and slander.
My parents used the idea of a prayer concern to speak badly about me. Please pray for her, she’s lost…. I get it. Mixing religion and abuse is difficult too.
@@bettylougreen6987HYPOCRITES!
YES TRUE. BECAUSE NARCISSISTIC ARE ACTUALLY DEMONS.. I HAVE EXPERIENCED EVERYTHING HE HAS SAID.. SHE EVEN HAD PEOPLE WANTING TO FIGHT ME BECAUSE OF THINGS SHE HAS SAID.. NOW IAM DEALING WITH FLYING MONKEYS.. ITS A NITE MARE.. IAM A CHRISTIAN WHO. HAS BEEN DEALING WITH THIS SINCE CHILDHOOD..IAM NO CONTACT. SHE IS 99YEARS OLD AND STILL IS A DEMON..
how come most of them are religious christians? mine is super religious - i'm talking praying for hours in the middle of the night, going to church religiously, and even pastoring people (those poor souls) .
My abusive narcissistic mother turned other family members against me through LIES! Unfortunately they believed her.
The family enmeshment kept them from thinking for themselves (yet they mistakenly believe they are thinking for themselves)
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
I think they find it easier to believe the narc. Standing up to them would be more work, and they are selfish and uncaring just like the narc.
@@jerrywiseI don't think people can be "kept from" thinking for themselves. It's a choice.
@@Ariadne76-k3dNo, people are easily manipulated. Wake up bro.
Ladies and gentlemen, the flying monkeys secretly hates the narcissist and secretly admire you. It’s just that they won’t admit it or show you on the outside. Why? Because they fear that if they stood up for you, they will eventually disappoints the narcissist and they don’t want the narcissist to turn against them. So basically they are using the scapegoat a shield to protect themselves from the main narcissist. 😅
Truth ... they won't accept reality if you tell them how what they do makes you feel and the possible consequences. When I drew a line in the sand with my covert narc mother she went off the scales with her nastiness and vindictiveness. She attacked me in every possible way. All personal attacks. Most of them 100% fictitious. The rest with only tenuous links to any truth. None of them related to what I had told her. She then smeared me to everyone and anyone we both knew. That was it. She was out of my life entirely. I didn't even know she had died until over a year after the fact. All I felt was relief.
My CN mom refused to follow my boundaries. The first boundary was to not tell me why I couldn't succeed in my projects. I told her several times. I then gray rocked her for well over a year and hadn't spoken to her well over 1 year.
My 1/2 brother, who she adopted out at the age of 2, died, and She was all over getting his estate, even though he had been adopted out by her, he had NO HEIRS BESIDES me and his half siblings. ( HER CHILDREN) I helped her to get the paperwork done. (After her playing dumb, I realized She knew all about it, having worked for a county TREASURY.)
DURING THE RIDE TO the county, she said to me." Me and my "
Golden Child" are going to go and strip the valuable items and throw the rest away." (She had not revealed to anyone locally that he was her son!)
I felt like she was trying to ERASE Him. I protested that. I told her that was wrong.
She tried to "butter me up" by telling me all the attributes I had to get me to cooperate with her. I told her You do not know ANYTHING about me."
He'd lived in my town for over 15 years. She did get the rights to his estate!
He lived in my town, and I said I'd help her to clean out his apartment. (He rented from the small town I live in)
It was known he had quit a gun collection. It was worth around $10,000. From the gossip around town, I heard he had a friend come and take it. I told her "flying monkey" ( my son), the guns were gone!
Immediately, She no longer had ANY interest.
So, I hired people to help me. I gave things to his friends and paid over $1,000. to finish.
She had alluded to the fact my whole adult life that she'd adopted him out when he was born. She revealed that he was actually 2+ YO. She harassed him when he first moved here. She lied about everything to his half siblings, turning her current family against him. I did try being a true sister to him until we had a misunderstanding. He, being a Narcissist also, turned against me about 5 years before he died. He refused to talk to me about it.
I realized after he died that She KEPT HIM FOR THE 2 YEARS. I COULD THEN SEE WHY HE WAS SO HURT! ( Abandonment issues.) I cried for over a year.
Being the oldest child, I had many memories of "HER LIES and HALF TRUTHS." She turned my half siblings away from me, reporting things that I never said. (She told my 1/2 SISTER I WAS TELLING EVERYONE I SAID SHE WAS A CHILD MOLESTER!)
My NC mom was lazy, she hated my DAD, anI looked exactly like him. I was a Cinderella my whole life.
My life really unfolded when I went to a therapist. My therapist spent most of the time listening to me. She declared my mom was "Evil." I cut her out completely after that. I especially miss my 1/2 sister. I had esentially raised my 1/2 siblings from the day they were born. I was their Mom, really. However, I am much more mentally stable. I am off several drugs. I am 70 now. I didn't realize my CN mom was a narcissist until I was 64. The hardest part for me was seeing all the losses that I had because of her hateful rearing of me! She kicked me out of the house at 17, my senior year in HS, for no reason at all.
@@pamelahawn9300 I’m sorry you endured all that garbage. It still boggles my mind how insanely nasty, cruel and selfish narc parents can be to their own children. I didn’t learn what mine were until age 55. So many wasted years, but at least I have peace now.
@josiah5776 Yes, that makes it all worth it to me! I am still working on the personal habits I used to survive. I have trust issues and one of my goals is to make healthy friends. I am trying. I am setting boundaries. A new friend, who I trusted, is stealing from me. So, now I am dealing with that. SO HARD!
@@pamelahawn9300 I understand. The trust thing is so difficult to overcome. I have a psychologist friend who gave me a Big-5 personality inventory. He remarked, "Wow, I have never seen someone score zero on trust. You are so far beyond fearing betrayal that you have come to expect it as an inevitable occurrence, like the sun coming up in the morning."
This is my mother, I didn’t realize she had been sabotaging me my entire life. It took me too long to figure her out, by the time I was in therapy she had turned my whole family against me and recently my own adult daughters. My mother is the sneakiest . I hold all of her secrets and she turns people against me somehow. I know she likes to buy people things and she will allow my children to make bad decisions just to go against me. My life is a crazy movie.
I'm putting my money on a BPD mom - for sure. They give out gifts galore, mostly things you do not need or want, as payment for the pleasure of brainwashing your kids and stomping on your boundaries!
Correct. They believe them. They are so sly to twiste the truth so that you are the bad one
My narc mom, is a slum Lord, she rented to drug dealers, prostitutes , gang bangers anyone to get money. The home owners on a street where I moved into one of her slums, thae neighbors came to me and told me that she said that "I" owned that building. They were going to get together to sue her for devaluing their properties. To get out of it. She threw me under the bus. " Oh, I don't own this building, I'm just managing for my daughter who lives is Arizona"! A total complete LIE to get out of getting sued! I Was NEVER a signer on the deed for the building. Pure freaking EVIL.
Narcissist = would throw their kid under the bus to save themselves. And yet, people say we should "honor" them. Your mom LIED. She broke at least one Commandment there, and I'm positive she's broken many others. No point in "honoring" parents like that. My mother is the same way, and all her narc-y relatives expect me to bow down to her too. NOPE. I don't "honor" liars. I hope you are away from your mom...... she will bring you down otherwise.
You might answer this in this video but I want to say it while I remember.. Part of it for me is the shock of how gullible the people are that believe their lies.. The flying monkies..
Most people think with their emotional process not their thinking process. I call it feel-think. That's why.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
@@jerrywise So they aren't really thinking.. They are just feeling... Always good stuff..
@@darinsmith2458 the feeling is why the logical inconsistencies don't matter to them.
@@lost.laurel it is probably logical to them..
All these dynamics were present in my life. Both my parents were narcs, but my covert narc mother did by far the most damage. When I finally called her on her BS, she turned the entire 50+ extended family against me ... even my own son and his wife. She use inheritance (switched from me to my son) very effectively. Who knew that my own son was so materialistic that he'd sell out his own father for a few hundred thousand. He also assisted others (including my mother) to have me falsely accused of a crime I did not commit. The charges were dismissed. He is dead to me now. All mutual friends we (mother and son) had also disappeared.
It was a bitter pill, but I have come to see it as a litmus test of who to keep in my life. I don't care if these people truly believe what she told them. Their actions harmed me and I don't want them in my life again. I am hard pressed to think of a more cruel, deceitful, manipulative and evil person than my mother was.
My dad told the entire family I was arrested and did time, so they wont talk to me and find out about the severe abuse I endured.
My mother did not tell me about family gatherings, and told my relatives that I was not able to come because of work
YES mine too
My mom has done the same thing
:( or tell you too late for you to request off
Part of dad's humiliation was to show me off like a Ken doll and say "and for having severe learning disabilities and being such a klutz he is doing pretty well for himself". Been out of my life 30 years but still resides in my head.
Rude
What should be pointed out to parents saying these lies about their children is “who raised them?”. If the people hearing this nonsense don’t stop to question why a mother would be so quick to say that her own child is so horrible without feeling some sense of personal responsibility, those people never really loved or knew you either.
I didn’t find out until my mom was gone how much she lied about me, but people did tell me what she said and most of them clearly distanced themselves from her after she started her campaign. Some family members said she started when I was only ten years old and they knew how wrong it was but they were afraid of losing touch with me so they never confronted her.
I almost asked mine the other day..If I'm such an awful person doesn't it fall on you?
I had a family member who told me the same thing. So sorry.❤
I’m so sorry this happened to you, it happened to me too 😔💔 I always see people complaining about their narc children under these videos and my question is always: who raised them?! They think they are so smart playing victim to circumstances they created by being the narc or the enabler of one!
This happened to me for decades. I didnt clue in until I started learning about scapegoating and there was a family mobbing. I was forced to face the abuse and go no contact. Best thing I ever did. I was 57 when I discarded the whole nasty cabal.
Wow. I'm about to do the same. Mother 93 and brother two years younger than me. They were converted into narcs by the stepfather. He brought out the worst in both of them. They see the world from the narc perspective. Fearful and angry. Hateful.
Now they have turned on me. I guess I should not be surprised. I need legal counsel. 😢😡😢
Same at 37
My family has made me public enemy number 1. I just want a quiet, simple life of my own... But nope.
Get away and stay away 🎉
You just described my mother completely
My grandmother held Inheritance over my head for over 50 years, and then yanked it away from me. She gave her whole Ranch, cattle and all, to my sister, and left me nothing.
Typical narc move. Happened to me too.
@@ponytail911 I’m so sorry 😢
I'm sorry
@@annthomson5648 Thank you 😊 ❤️
I already know I’m out of the will… lol and they can keep it ALL. I don’t care.
Wow, you describe exactly how it was for me with my narc parent. As the family scapegoat, my narc "mother" would tell my aunts and uncles how "terrible" I was. (She'd even call my employers and tell them how horrible she thought that I was). And at the same time, she would speak about my "golden child" sister like she was a god or something, even though she was an absolute abusive terror. Nothing was sacred, everything personal about me was spread like wildfire and embellished from her. So I distanced myself from my relatives, which is a very large family, but I got so tired of being made out to be a terrible person from all of her lies. And of course the distancing made me look worse in their eyes, but it was better than putting up with it. I've now been no-contact for over five years from all of them. Thank goodness. My trauma therapy is helping me to navigate through undoing all of the terrible things in my head planted by her. It's a journey that I'm glad to be on. 🙏🦋
St Margaret of Costello is a saint to pray to for help. St Margaret of Costello is a joy.
You described the story of my life ✨💫. I’ve been estranged from my nuclear family for 10 years… and living the good life.
When my dad contacted me out of the blue a few months ago and tried to make me jealous of my siblings I felt sick to my stomach. A stark reminder why I severed ties to begin with. I told my dad: I’m not interested in communication, but I wish him and the family the best.
I didn’t even cry, or feel the severe depression I used to.
This time, I felt somewhat disappointed, but not the least bit surprised 😎.
One of the tactics my mom ised against me was my depression. She would tell people I had to take medication and that that made me someone not to be believed. She would tell people the medication messed with my head, making me untrustworthy. Then, when i would counter by saying I hadn't taken them for a while, she would say "obviously not, because you clearly need them", implying that I needed to take them to not be crazy and untrustworthy. So either way, my medication was used against me. If I took them or bot, it didn't matter. She would always be able to twist the narrative to whichever way was convenient for her.
As soon as you get a bad gut feeling, just write them off. Dealing with them after that point just turns into this psychoanalyzing, mostly of yourself and the situation. The real problem is parents that groom you to keep putting up with this bullshit.
So very true.
That has been my experience. The more I talk, the worse it gets because they just use it against me or ignore it, depending on the details
jesus christ, jerry nails this. its like he knows my goddamned horrible relatives
My malignant narcissist mom not only would turn people against me, she would also steal my friends from me. These were my high school and college friends who were too young to even associate with her. She would talk about me behind my back, and reveal personal information to embarrass me.
Yep, mine did the same. I think these are some very common BPD traits.
Same. Intentional sabotage. From trying to get friends to stay away from me to scaring off partners behind my back. Starting negative narratives with random mutual acquaintances and spinning lies at my job. Knows no bounds.
Thank you for breaking down and dissolving the myth of the Family's Black Sheep. The issue was that narcissistic parent all along.
💜
This one was difficult for me to listen to because it’s very triggering. Totally my mom. Her mom did the same thing. 😞
Conversely, the Nparent will tell you that a certain person said something negative about you. They didn't. 😢
Yessss, when my mother didn't want me to wear something I liked or wanted to manipulate for whatever crazy reason, she would tell me that "all her friends said that I always dress so terribly and look so awful ... or something along those lines". What normal person would risk their friendship by tearing a friend's child down over superficial things? All SUCH lies .... but I always knew that the friends weren't the problem, it was the devil within!!!
My father has turned so many people against me it's unreal 😢. He tells so many lies on me too make his self feel better .
Same
He hates you because you are better than him, but truly he hates himself for being a pathetic punk ass.
I no longer even have the desire to keep people in my life that believe the lies and manipulation and attack me. They can go too honestly. I no longer give af 😒
sorry to hear that. there's a video about running away intelligently.
Sorry to hear that. When I was a teenager, the home was a hellish atmosphere always. I'd go out if my friends weren't around, just to have a break from it. I live in a small town and you know, inevitably I would bump into family members, aunts, uncles and so on and get the same talking to. My mother made them flying monkeys.
As a kid my mother tried embarrassing me telling the neighbor in front of me that I still sucked my thumb at age 11 but it was her and my father's abuse having me self-sooth. My mother took my handicap sister's bridge card and took groceries for her and her new husband years later and I said it was fraud so she alienated my sister from me. I don't trust that I can keep myself safe.
Wow…between my mother and ex “best friend” I have seen SO much of this. Makes me angry listening and thinking about all they put me through.
Its a good test to see how the other family members really think about and care for you...if they are that easily manipulated and just believe it without questioning it and just turn away from you like that, they can go!!! 🖕🏻
I didn't realize how many (I thought loved me) I would lose when my narc father died. 52, just figuring out my shit.
Same. Both my parents were narcs, but my covert narc mother did by far the most damage. When I finally called her on her BS, she turned the entire 50+ extended family against me ... even my own son and his wife. She use inheritance (switched from me to my son) very effectively. Who knew that my own son was so materialistic that he'd sell out his own father for a few hundred thousand. He is dead to me now. All mutual friends we had also disappeared.
It was a bitter pill, but I have come to see it as a litmus test of who to keep in my life. I am hard pressed to think of a more cruel, deceitful, manipulative and evil person than my mother was.
@@josiah5776 I feel you.
There's No Low a Narc CAN'T hold THEIR head high & still go Lower!
@@josiah5776You can contest the will.
I only just opened to my eyes to the fact my mother is also a narcissist but a covert narcissist i thought it was only my dad
Same.
Me too! My covert narc mother was ALWAYS playing the victim - I thought narc father was so mean, so uncaring and self involved (total narc) but she was a real sh*t too. When he was running late for work, as soon as he pulled out of the driveway she’d call the office and ask for narc father so the boss would know he wasn’t there and get him into trouble. She pit us kids against each other (still does) and would sit back to watch the fireworks - watch us argue/fight amongst ourselves - like we were her entertainment. Narc mother is an old collapsing narcissist now and it’s really sad and pathetic but I have compassion for her - from far away - I know what she is capable of.
My brother no longer invites her (or anyone) over for Christmas because of her antics. He takes the family on vacation at Christmastime now. This enrages narc mother… I LOVE Christmas and last Christmas Narcm made plans with me only to cancel late on Christmas Eve so it was too late for me to make other plans. Maybe I’m petty but I think she did it on purpose to ruin the holiday for me.(yes, I’m still stinging from that one and it’s March already….. will be making holiday plans solo from now on). I don’t know why I care, it should be a relief not to deal with her dramatics and complaining not to mention the energy drain effect she has on me 😢
Yep same for me as well.
@@aingealblue3035 I'm sorry to u all
My narcissistic mother certainly did these things. I learnt about them over a number of years from my father. Unlike my mother, he would tell me things and leave what I did with this as I wanted. (Or didn't want.) The one thing my mother did was talking to others in the family about me. Her favorite word was 'irresponsible', but frankly I knew this for many years. However, the abuse merely continued, and that was where I refused the game.
The narcissist never change.
My mom turned our family members against me and each other. She did this by telling us bad things about each other. When we were altogether, she was silent. The awkwardness caused us to not share our feelings with each other. When my father stated to her that he was contemplating suicide, she told him that she thought that was a good idea. He took his life the next day. She actually laughed when she told me about this. I never spoke to her again after that.
Omg that's horrible, I'm so sorry for your dad. My father had a heart attack in my 20s and I thought he was gonna die, he recovered, but this deeply affected me, some time after my mother told me in a very candid conversation that he wished his death, she told me in such a casual way, like it was nothing. This confirmed me that she was a complete narcissist, no empathy at all, for me or my dad.
Yes, they purchase enablers! And they love to tell everyone about it!
Jerry!! I will watch this over and over today! You nailed my extended family situation, …….. 83 narc mom 😬
Unfortunately my healthy Narc MoMster is only a mere 86.... These people (MAYBE Human) live far longer & BETR than THEIR VICTIMS!
Fascinating how a narcissist actually tells on themselves in their attack. You said it early in video, "the reverse is true", the exact thing they accuse you of is what they are doing. Also, I totally relate to the manipulations with " flying monkeys" and using ' information you shared innocently against you. Thank you for your insight and wisdom. It is so incredibly valuable and your way with words is so practical! Nice to have some humor in it too, it's all so pitiful and painful, but healable with knowledge!
Transposition principle is one of the principles of Goebbels' propaganda.
Thank you so much for watching ❤
Projection
Yep. My dad constantly cancels plans with me and my kids and almost never replies to texts or calls me back. When we do meet, he acts bored with me and insults me and my family. Then he goes to his newest wife and tells her his kids are alienating him from his grandkids and how horrible his kids are and how ungrateful we are and has her attacking us because he's the "poor victim" who can't fight his own battles. I have no idea what he stands to gain except maybe getting his wife to do his dirty work for him and take care of him while he plays the 'victim.'
Yes, this is spot on!! Thank you for bringing this to light. It's so unfair that they play victim and get others to hate..the REAL victim! My narcissistic parents and their delusional, hateful flying monkeys can have eachother. I walk away with my freedom and my life. It's sickening the depths they will stoop to, to slander/dehumanize their innocent targets. My mom threw me under the bus all my life yet wanted total compliance..nope. I refused to be her servant. Always. Boundaries.
👏 👏
Same.
It has been explained to me they were doing the best they could with what they knew. Time to break the training of a dysfunctional family and move on.
THIS! I had no idea it was happening until it was too late. My MIL would tell my husband a bunch of confidential information about his sisters relationship (SIL was 17 when she started dating a guy who was 28).
Sometimes, she would even share this information infront of me. I tried to ignore it as it felt uncomfortable. This information made my husband and I dislike her husband even more because we thought she was being emotionally abused.
Little did we know, my MIL was doing the same to my SIL but talking bad about me! The things she was saying about me though were either extreme exaggerations or blatant lies.
When we confronted my MIL about her habit of doing this, not just with us but other family members (uncles, aunts, cousins) as well, her response was “I can’t control other people. They interpret information how they want and if they share it with others, that’s not my fault”.
She is a master at triangulation and a master manipulator.
It's a revelation to me that so many others have experienced this, too. Before I discovered the concept of the "narcissistic parent," I thought this was my sole lot in life. But no, so many people have endured the exact same thing. I feel seen for the first time in my life.
Be forewarned that if you don’t engage in the drama, they might just straight up tell you and others that you reacted the way they wanted you to react. This is the most brutal, because they show that you’re just playing a role in a play they created and it doesn’t even matter what you say or do. Others believe them too cause the reaction they say you had is an expected reaction, especially with the narrative they’ve created 💙🙏🏻💙
My thought when people speak poorly of others behind their backs is why does this person want me to think poorly of this other person?
The truth ALWAYS Wins.
I really hope so.
Not sure about this, I think a lot of people just wont accept the truth to avoid responsibility, but I believe in karma & these people have to live with their actions, evilness etc ..this gives me a bit of release/justice
Not in this case.
What planet do you live on?
Right on target Jerry! My dad just wrote me out of his will because he wanted one of my mom's pieces of artwork I was going to sell to pay my bills. When he sold the house, with a sweep of his arm - "You figure out what to do with your mom's art." My mom's artwork is the only inheritance I will get. He also sent one brother a "nastygram" berating him, after ranting at him what parasites my son and I are. The other brother hasn't spoken to me, so I don't know if he turned him against me too, or if he wrote both brothers off .Other Christian family have sent me cards saying "repent". What a nasty mess... I think I should write a book called "Lies We Tell Ourselves And Others".
Write that book!!! I’d love to read it.
Im not anti-christian, but your story says everything you need to know about what the christian church and christian families have become, just a guilt tripping cult
You should send those hypocrites the book called "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck
My 87 year old mother to a T! Just went no contact the day after Christmas. But now she’s dying and a couple of my kids are telling me that I’ll regret going no contact. After all, she’s old and dying. Oh well. She knew that this day would come. But I know she thought I’d always be there
You won't regret it.
They seem to live forever!
@@SirenaSpades- Yes she might
At most it's only to say goodbye for your own sake. It's not for her.
@@DawnGreen-wn4hrhonestly 😩 they are literal vampires!
I didn't understand this when I was a child that my father had bad mouthed me ahead of time before reunions. I spent most of the time away from the festivities because of the way they all looked at me. The narcissist has to do this so that you won't tell
Oh my goodness you just unlocked something. 😮 it all makes sense now
100% they go on the smear campaign early, in your young years "they knew" you are a truth teller and one day you will tell people the truth about them so they get in to smear your name so no one will talk to you. Pure calculative evil meat suit.
Go no contact with them all gossipers let them have eachother
My family used my name in a member's obit but never told me about the death. I only found out a month later by chance on the Internet. Then, Golden child sister used this to brand me as selfish and callous--"he didn't even send a card."
I am so sorry. This is my fear when my mom dies. My aunt refused to give me phone access to her when she had a stroke in late 2021, after I had moved states away for a job and with my young family. Hang in there
Ahhhhh now things make sense to me after listening to this. My mom use to lie about me and when people can’t believe what she says about me then she retaliated towards me such as yelling to me, not talking to me for weeks/months, shames me with guy that I dated years back that didn’t work, telling my younger brother that I will steal his money when I never steal anything in my life. I gonna out of my ways and told people when they ask me what she says that if they can’t believe her or support me they should say nothing.
This is so prevalent…since earliest memories alienating caring but imperfect family members and thought this was normal …as a victim of scapegoating from my family of origin and then later parental alienation you are left with this enormous self doubt …I am not perfect …but I’m worthwhile… thank you Jerry
Narc parents turned a few siblings against me now they exhibit the same behavior as the parents. I do my best to stay away
And of course, this is true with other narcissists, too. (Social, fake friends, coworkers etc.)
My mom is this way. She had me on the phone one day, her best friend with her during the phone call. She says to me in a voice obviously meant for her friend, "I'd loan you some money but I'm sure you'll leave town with it." I have never borrowed from my mother ever, she's never had money. I have always been self sufficient and proud of this. I was mortified she said this in that way, and suddenly a lifetime of instances became clear as a bell. This woman has been sabotaging me my whole life. She currently is furious with me because I won't leave my husband, get rid of my cat, quit my career and move into her assisted living apartment to take care of her. WTF DOES THIS?!
My parents put my older sisters and daughter against me
Believe it or not...especially with your children...they will see things more clearly some say. Then they have to live with the guilt😢
I remember my parents doing this to me once. It was weird! One time I was with my parents, and a group of their friends. Suddenly, they all circled me and stared at me silently. It was creepy! I had done nothing to them.
#1 in my family is financially lying and shaming that one or another owes the other money. Telling others that a brother does not pay his debts. No one knows the truth so lies are ok. Triangulation.
Us away from the family the family out of us and then creating or recreating an entire identity that works on our own behalf. It's no small order. I've seen people do it young and it's amazing. I'm still 54 going on 55 and struggling and fighting my ass off. So emotionally painful and abandoning. That's so much better than being somebody's friggin monkey..
Keep fighting.
The same situation & same age for me too
I had a narcissist family member and friend do this to me in the past. Their manipulation really did work for years, turning others against me. Defending myself didn't work at all. but the truth eventually came out. So, don't worry! there is nothing so closely concealed that won't be revealed at some point.
Before I knew what a piece of slime my narc mother is, I told her a lot of things about me 😟😖. I was weak and just answered whatever she asked. Now I try to keep things from her, but she’s still trying to find out whatever she can. She managed to buy over some people who used to matter to me. It sucks, not because they still matter to me, but it’s draining, because I just want her and flying monkeys to leave me alone.
Another horrible situation is when my narc sibling sent my nephew to spy on my husband’# social media to find dirt on me and my husband. This was due to me asserting myself calmly and respectfully to counter my sibling’s abusive gossiping.
It's gross how distorted their behavior becomes when we stick up for ourselves. And involving her Son, your newphew to do the "dirty work" shows what a sad excuse for a parents she is too! I experienced something similar & my sister directed her son, my newphew to steal my phone out of my purse. It was so gross! 😊
You have hit on many things I've had to deal with. The whole family getting together and then the conversation turns to my life. Im not there but I know when this has happened; I can tell by the comments that are made to me during the next phone call. You are absolutely right, keep information about ourselves to a minimal. Anything can be used against me, absolutely anything. It doesn't work anymore. It may get a delayed reaction out of me when the N. cannot see or hear but then I get the reaction under control and recognize it for what it is. I wish I had this knowledge decades ago.
I knew something was wrong when I was about 13, and I had an argument with my mom. I was sure I was in the right, and when I told my dad, he took my mom's side. I couldn't believe it. It was something equivalent to a moral issue or something, and I was dumb founded by the hypocrisy.
Promise of inheritance? What's that? Why would parents leave anything to the kid? Not my parents.
A parent’s assets/life accomplishments are divided up long before they die
How about when it's siblings who do all of this to turn parents against you?
The parent's should know better to be able to see the truth if not then I would walk away from the sibling and parent's because people who care about you and know you would see right through the BS.
root cause is always unfortunately parents. they turned my brother against me, now he scapegoats me too. something i wish teachers would talk about more is the fallen golden child. i had to conform to them because they were too abusive, oldest sister parentified, then when i tried to escape them they triangulated my brother, and loads of other people really, against me. now stuck back living with them while they drain everything from me and act like it's my fault. my brother too. it's horrible.
This happened to me. My older brothers (I have no sisters) not only told lies about me to my parents, but also to the neighborhood kids and classmates, both as children and as adults. My youngest brother's son called him on it, and it resulted in a fistfight, with my brother throwing the first punch.
@@gardenswell same here all 3 of my siblings are against me and mistreat me but I just keep my distance. Send them love from a far and hope one day they see the truth. ❤
How about Narc children turning siblings against a parent, who was 'left for dead' after a divorce because 'father' had more to offer. For example a 600 acre farm with Manor House and five holiday cottages and he married their pub job 'boss?
I started to blatantly lie about my motivations when interacting with narcissists. "I didn't call because I knew how stressed you are right now and I didn't want to burden you additionally by my phone call and expose you to my bad mood." "I won't visit you, because you already have so much on your plate and I don't want to burden you with the extra work my visit would cause." "I'm not sure whether I will keep this job and I would have been ashamed if I told you that I lost this job, so I wanted to be settled to tell you about it." "I know you were sad that you weren't able to attend this event, so I didn't told you I was there, so you weren't be even more sad."
Narc coddling.....🤣 I couldn't stomach doing that. I love the TRUTH too much!
@@BlackSheep380 I am honest with the people I love. But with people who can harm me, I'm cautious. Although I have to admit that it is easier to write than to talk. I'm an awful liar. But there are narcs out there who can harm me severely. So I am cautious.
This is genius! Maybe I should try it! I probably wouldn't be very good at it & wouldn't want them to think I felt that way.
My parents tried really hard to turn my first born child against me. Actually alienated her when she was vulnerable for years behind my back.
Thankfully she started to see through what they were saying but it was very damaging for many years. They turned extended family against me too. We are permanantly estranged. I have no energy to offer them anymore.
If people can turn against you over lies they're better off gone.
I noticed that very time I shared something confidential with my mother, she would deliberately disclose it to many people.
I’m so happy to get away from my narc mother I used multiple cease and desist letters over the last decade the last cease and desist letter i threatened to sue she actually tried to triangulate my husband to have me met in a secret location to have me taken away for “treatments “ and I am 42 years old . Every thing in this video is what she does to me . Hiring an attorney to get her away from me and going no contact was the best thing I did ever !
My dad drinks like a fish. I don't drink at all. Guess who is the "alcoholic"?
My mom recently asked me " are you still drinking a whole bunch of wine?" I never have. I guarantee either a relative or a friend of hers was at her house to hear this conversation
projection, dangerous
@@brendamoon2660 Oh yeah. That's the kind of questions they ask in front of people. Doesn't have to be remotely true. The seed has been planted or if they already planted one, they are watering it.
@@brendamoon2660
Phrased in a yes or no context to boot. Wow!
@trunkmonkee1971 Right! Lol no matter which way I answer, I'm supporting the accusation behind that carefully crafted question.