@@roxymovie3938 Actually, you can. It is sort of like the old saying, "One of the few things stupid does understand is pain." Make them make their own world such an impossible hell to live in and they will change their ways.
Yes, the anger bothers me less. Though as an observer I find it mind boggling how readily they show themselves up but don't see how completely they discredit themselves. But as you say, the pettiness, especially the endless intrusion and the blatant lying is the worst part. Even so, I enjoy not reacting beyond standing by boundaries. Detachment is everything.
Exactly, 'lie-at-all-costs,' I told my brother, (after I didn't respond to his gaslighting) when he would get all mad for some little thing, and fabricate, "Don't lie to me." The consternation became PALPABLE, but he didn't say much, except to briefly reiterate how he believed his own misinterpretation!
Let’s face it, I admit that I get triggered from time to time by narcissistic people specifically by my mother even being on team healthy I admit it I do I am not perfect and I will never be and I don’t want to be perfect I want to be free to be me.
Knowing what triggers me has helped me. It doesn't stop me from feeling triggered, but it has changed how I respond and greatly decreased my being reactive.
My last day with my narcissistic client, it would have been so nice to maintain my EXCESSIVE self-control for just 5 more minutes before I left... oh well! A friend online told me, "Don't beat yourself up over it. YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN!" This made me feel better, as months earlier, when my client's partner had been berating me for MY ever reacting to abuse, I told him, "I'M NOT SUPERHUMAN." I'm SO THRILLED not to be working for those guys anymore. (But I have every intent to CONTINUE studying Narcissism. It's too important-- and too dangerous-- not to, for my own future benefit.)
After almost 50 years with a highly trained military officer ultimate narcissist controlling me, I need to listen to this about 10 times a day. My counseling in my youth before the internet was the preacher at our church who told me to go home and cook my husband's favorite meal and submit to him. I was put down, made fun of, gaslighted, manipulated, treated awful when I was sick, bawled out when pregnant and when I had little infants to take care of for not going back to work to get that check for him. Because of the church I was so brainwashed. So much to work through now. For one thing, I was seeking God and got people being mean to me and making me feel that no matter what I did, it was NEVER< NEVER enough. IT WAS AN AWFUL LIFE!! A miracle would be if I could say ZEN!!
Although developing my personal relationship with the LORD has brought me a lot of comfort, strength and (hopefully ) wisdom, I must admit and agree with you that the Church itself still has a lot of flaws even after nearly 2,000 years. I'm truly sorry you were placed under that kind of stress and "judgement". They have failed me as well along several different lines But the TRUTH is still out there; and, developing a ZEN mindset is definitely worth striving for. I hope you haven't abandoned your faith.
I understand. I was raised in the church and both of my parents are narcissists. Naturally, I gravitated to military which is dominated by narcissists and psychopaths. After 12 years I left the Army as I saw I was becoming like them.
@Rachel-mz8ko Yes, prayer, some christian books including the holy bible & occasionally a few imperfect people at church have helped me too. I hate to think where I'd be without God's mercy & grace😊
So sorry that *your church let you down in the worst way. It may or may not interest you to know that most churches are built on serving women, not men. Thus the men carry all the responsibility, while the only obligation on the women is to serve food .. with no obligation to prepare the food. Thus inside the church he has no leverage.. and outside the church the legal system is built to abuse the male.. protecting the female as every turn.
I can relate, 34 years with a very religious narcissist. I was taught to be forgiving & that led me to become a doormat. Also, the pent up anger & resentment can do terrible things to your mind & body. We weren't taught boundaries, being seen as a selfish bitch was the worst thing you could be!! I had a really hard time understanding what a boundary was since I was raised to be a people pleaser. My body isn't what it used to be but my mental health has come a long way.
So as I am listening to this I am reminded of when I had small children. It’s like being a parent and watching a five year old child throw a tantrum. We stand still, we stay calm, and we just think “I know you hurt, baby. I know” while they lose their cool and we stay in control and completely calm.
Honestly that's the last thing I would ever think again. "Their pain" had centre stage in my life for decades - that's the whole problem, the reason I wasted time, opportunities and valuable friendships. Yes, I don't react any more. Because the evil freak doesn't matter. Their feelings certainly don't matter. Their bad choices are their own responsibility. One doesn't owe them sympathy, outwardly or inwardly.
@@joannageorge7305 Oh, I completely get that. I was just describing what I thought he meant we should do to be zen. Trying to imagine a picture of what that would look like in my head. If I think of the narc as a five year old throwing a tantrum, and myself as the adult, it helps me stay in my power.
Lol not my parents. But my next door neighbor growing up was like that. I hope if I become a parent, I can be a loving one in that way. Apparently.... That mess pretty rare to anyone that comes to watch educational content about narcissists lmao. Hopefully someday I can be the calm force I want to see
The trouble with dealing with narcissists is that it's all too easy to lose the battle and fall into bad ways or addiction or the like. The trick is to stay positive but it's definitely not easy
@@robinwildheart5321 , when they can not provoke you into getting angry anymore because you know the tricks next comes steady talk of gloom ,doom and any type of negativity about everything to tear down your emotional stability . You need to let that pearl off of you too by being self aware and steady in your beliefs and info of reality.
@@mariaawake4502 Yes I agree completely. I have to correct myself and say that when we see the trap it's easier not to fall in. Sometimes I still do. I sounded just a little too sure of myself earlier.
In summary: Accepting reality while keeping a cool head is far different than giving up. Staying Zen while not giving up enables us on TEAM healthy to remain creative in finding solutions to any of our own life style problems. We know that we have self worth while refusing to be only a human doing who is going to be acting for the rest of our lives as a part of that controlling unhealthy dance in which the narcissist insists on taking the lead.
Your summery is a gem , to be noted down in my surviving narc diary. A mantra to keep our head up in the stormy ocean created by them...Lacking for words as I m French. 🎉 Indebted to you who have beautifully stolen and improved my inner thoughts...❤ GBY 🌷 🙏
That says it all 🎯 I newly realize I am not “nothing”. Its not my responsibility to take care of and comfort these people that hurt me. I wasted my life but not understanding these things sooner. I’m happy to be on Team Healthy. Finally there is light 💡
my line of work puts me in front of narcissists all day long. it's very difficult to deal with 40hrs a week 52 weeks a year so this is helping me. i dont have a choice to change jobs right now, so i'll keep the faith until i can get out of this job permanently and into what i really want to do. thanks for your advice
WOW. Early this year I jumped from 6 hours a week dealing with a pair of narcissists to 20 hours. After only 2 weeks, I told my supervisor I NEEDED my hours cut back to 16 (a relatively small change) or I would not make it to 6 months. For 3 months, she did NOTHING. It's been suggested this may be because she KNEW, nobody else working for my agency could possibly put up with these 2 lunatics the way I was. I've repeatedly said I hate quitting any job unless I absolutely have no choice. Lucky me-- now I don't have to! (I was given the push by my client because I refused to come in on my day off-- after it took me 3 months to get that day off.) I can relate about lookng for a better job. Back in the 90s, I spent 6 months looking for a better job when the atmosphere in the engineering film I was working got completely TOXIC. It finally reached a point where I had to QUIT without having a job to go to. Things worked out... sort of. But sometimes, you really do have no choice.
It feels so conflicting..... I draw so much from watching these videos. They are helping me through a situation that is excruciating..... But, I find myself breaking down in a pool of tears with almost every one of them, as the description of the narcissist by the Doc is SPOT ON to the character of the person I'm dealing with.... it's crazy! It breaks my heart for this person, as I have deep love for him that goes back to our highschool romance in 1998..... first love. My goodness, it's been soooo difficult!! I feel so bad for this broken man who literally has no one on this earth, besides me, who he engages with.... it's a huge burden that I took upon myself, but I'm finding my efforts less and less recognized, and I'm punished for my shortcomings instead..... It's so disheartening.... he's taken so much from me, which I freely gave, and I'd do it again. I just wish he showed me appreciation, even just a little.... I understand he can't.... but it's so hard to let go. I feel like I'm abandoning him...... he really doesn't have a soul in this world, and it sounds cruel to say, but it's very obvious why that is. I feel so defeated. I know he wasn't mine to fix, but God KNOWS I surely did my best to try............... I'm sorry: not sure why I went on that little rant. Thank you for allowing me this space to do so. ❤
My abusive, narc mom recently fell ill and was in the hospital for a time. My younger brother and his wife was with her.. I text her to check on her and kept in contact with my brother while she was hospitalized, but phone calls and visits I just can not do… after more than 50 yrs of being abused in some way or another by this woman I finally started on my path to healing which means setting boundaries. My brother is now upset with me and has left me on “read” for 2 days. Some days I feel an extreme amount of guilt and other days I feel free. On my down days I keep telling myself- “the facts are, as much I love my brother and his family, he’s been recruited into mom’s flying monkey club and as much as I love my mom in spite of everything, I can not under any circumstance give her a chance to throw a monkey wrench 🔧 into my healing.” I’m thankful for these videos
@@77thTrombone thank you 🙏 I keep in contact with my brother. I love him to pieces. I remember a counselor told me once when I said, “she doesn’t mistreat him”. He said, “you don’t know that. Trust me, he’s been subject to it just in a different way and when you’re not around”. I never forgot it. My brother is precious to me. He’s a good man in spite of it all. I will continue to reach out… I’m on decent terms with family. It’s not my thing to go around stirring up trouble.. I just want to live out my time on this earth in peace. Thank you again 🙏❤️ and I’ll be praying for you and your wife and your situation. God speed, friend
Really needed to hear this today. I lost my temper for the first time in a long time with my N. We haven't been around each other for a long time because he's such a control freak. Gradually he has wormed his way back into my good graces, but he got an idea of how I should live my life and came over and tried to force his ideas on me when I wasn't receptive. I repeatedly tried to gently tell him to stop and when he kept pushing because he thought it was for my own good, I had to start screaming and push him out the door. Exactly the way Dr. C describes the dynamics: Now he's sulky and acting hurt. I was wondering if I could maybe just sit down with him and we could have a conversation that could lead to some clarity about how we communicate. But after hearing this podcast... OMMMMMM
I tried to have a sit down to clear the air, but to no avail. Conflict resolution with a narcissistic person is difficult if not down right impossible. I’m now in my mid-40’s and have decided it’s best to walk away.
I have tried “sitting down and talking things out” for over twenty straight years.... data is data - they refuse. This is a divine-level problem and we must remove ourselves and pray for these tormentors, we cannot help them directly, they are imprisoned by their dysfunction
I got angry at my soon to be ex, he screamed at me for 2 hours until I got angry after I got angry and upset, he smirked and grined at me. It made me feel so sick. I know how he feels about me now. I have no more blinders on anymore. The pain I felt after realizing I meant nothing to him ever, broke my heart. 💔
It's like the serenity prayer. You have to accept that the only thing you can control is yourself, and being "zen" is not for the abuser, it's for yourself and your own well-being.
I have over time to adopt the “Zen” and focus on the breath I believe this kept me alive at certain points in that marriage and deflated her power without doing much of anything. Thanks everyone ❤☮️
Yep! Best Practice means kicking the Narcissist out of your life ASAP. Gray Rock allows them to fine-tune their tactics.. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an abusive, childish, backstabbing BEAST? Gender dynamics ( Gynocentrism) and the Legal system, means that men usually put up with crap, hate, and abuse when their best tactics is to disappear.. run to the store for a loaf of bread and never return. Make sure you time is such that you are not penniless, and have proof that you left of your free will, with her desiring your return.. You don't want any false allegations leveled against you.. Nars will use any tool they can to abuse you.
Remember Bruce Lee’s “be water, my friend”? That is - for me - to be zen. To accept and adapt, in order to minimize the energy you’ll spend on the narcissist, and maximize your wellbeing.
Oh wow Dr Carter, from France 🇫🇷 after one year of psychological support & online coaching with the supposedly most competent one owning about 1,000 podcasts, YOU are a gift to humanity deceived by all those very sick multiple narcs, going deeper into their distorted functioning... You are the key to’perfection leading us to exhaustive healing without too many scars. This podcast can save lives 🎉 Incredible. One step further indeed after listening to you for only 4 months. Like dazzling Light ☀ at the end of this tunnel being like a lethal maze. I am amazed 😊 You and your community are extraordinary because humane, genuine, understanding and thought provoking. Lacking for words sorry. All the best and God Bless You all 💒
@@SurvivingNarcissismDr Carter and healthy Community, I mean what I say and always say what I mean ( except to narcs where silence, fake indifference, hidden friends from him are necessary ) ... There cannot be no safer and warmer place than by your side...virtually but so potent. Let s sow the seeds of happiness along the path to recovery. 🥀 🌸 🏞 😊 🌃
One of the most powerful lessons I learned was to listen to my anger. My ex would try to provoke an angry response to control, manipulate and demean me. I learned to listen to my anger as soon as it began. It was warning me to proceed no further. Once I did that, I could embrace the zen.
Zen = take a deep breath and slowy breathe out to get connected with your body, mind and soul. Be patient. Be calm. Be peaceful. Narcissists are tension seekers for they need your dysregulations to regulate their own emotions. The Sociopath I was dealing with, once told me, "Everything is depending on feelings. My personal interpretation of succes is to feel good." What a gaslighting, cause I thought he would seek peace when in fact he needed fury for his wellbeing!!! During the worst rage I experienced from him, I stayed totally calm although I was intensly shocked.
Thanks for the path leading to the " zen" attitude, all the more difficult as you are crushed inside, with a restless, stressed out mind and brain. Mine was a malignant one who became a psychopath so my body is wearing stigmas...😢 Your comment shall help me get through... ✌ ❤ from France 🇫🇷 🎉
I worked with "Esmi" a real Tool who made up rules as she went along.. Six months STUCK in a room with "Miss Perfect" ( a legend in her own tiny Mind)'
@@laurence.MusicAndSights You are very welcome, Laurence❣ Yes, unfortunately, enduring these relationships can have impact on your whole being/system like you said, brain and mind crushed, soul broken and body injured. Recovery can be a long journey and specially the body has its own memory, we are often not even aware of but shows us when the body reacts (alert, tension, illness) in certain ways. Glad that you found Team Healthy. Wishing you all the best on your journey, lots of peace 🕊 üüüand many regards to you and the beautiful nature, you are living in. 🙋♀️💛🌈
Acknowledging internally what's really happening. That's the way I use to stay calm in those moments. Say the narcissist is suddenly raging over me asking them to do the tiniest thing, like move a cheese slicer to the right spot in the cupboard. Suddenly they sling a demeaning comment my way, and I get a powerful anxious reaction because of the really strong escalation. I'll use all my previous knowledge about them and myself and can for example say something like "now you are really anxious. You are decades back in time, probably with your own father, and you are projecting that I am them. Or maybe you're projecting what you yourself are feeling about yourself, but you don't want to sit with it, so you try to forcefully put it on me instead. You chose me as a target because I'm very open and available. I'm also very tired, so I'm an incredibly easy target in this moment. I will not see what's coming. This is hurting a lot for me, because you've done this for so many times before. So much that this is a really open wound in me. I've also experienced this way too much with others. But I don't need to feel all the emotions you trigger in me, because the emotions you slung my way, does not belong to me, nor does it belong to our relationship. It belongs to you and someone in your past, way before I was born. These are my fears you're triggering, and they belong to me, but there's no reason in this moment to trigger them and you are completely alone in being one who tries deliberately triggering them. This is something I only feel when I'm with you." And then I feel a lot calmer and less prone to react. If I remember to breathe and start this chain of thought, then it usually helps a lot. Narcissist is way too busy, way gone in those really far-gone rationalizations to notice what I'm doing, so it's only helping.
This was the one where I really needed to know back then. I was making real progress going from react to respond, but I fell for the staged setup and she used my response to create a scenario where I appeared to be abusive. And I fell for it. I didn’t know she was capable of such manipulation, and how she was able to dupe another to be the witness to only her perspective. That was 8 years ago, and I often mentally relive that set-up to change something, ANYTHING, to not appear to be the bad guy she pretended I was. It was one heckuva grand finale, but it’s over now. Well, almost over. I should sign post-nup papers this week, pay my lawyer, and put this all behind me.
Yes, I was there too. There was that need to clarify and the hope of finding just the right explanation to do so, that frustrated and exhausted me. Of course it provided lots of narcissistic supply for him. I did not understand that before getting the education and felt like I was constantly running into a brick wall. Building leverage and seeing the narcissist as an odd person is the only treatment a narcissist understands. Yes, he thinks he is Adonis and Einstein reborn in one person, but nobody else does.
It's frustrating isn't it and very isolating. I suspect that one day she will show her true colours to some of those people who unwittingly supported her at the time. You'll be long gone by then and living your best life. That's what I hope for you.
@@seven2025 It has already begun. Our oldest daughter tells me that she's socially cut off her mother, and our other two are close (one of which has been a flying monkey against me all these years), and that our daughter is informing my narc's mother that she was defrauded out of her husband's death benefit, due to lies. I'm signing postnuptial paperwork on Thursday. She already has found a new financial supply, and our kids hate him. {shrugs}
Love this. Calm confidence in who I am; calm acceptance of who they are; maintaining a wall of pleasantness. I am responsible for my responses and reactions and attitudes - not theirs. They do not determine my worth or destiny. They may judge me but that doesn't me it's true and I don't have to correct them. No more JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining) Practice self care and self compassion. Forgive myself for past mistakes and failures. I accept that I can't change it, only learn and move on. Self-awareness and calming exercises. Relinquish my need for justice in this lifetime and all my losses to God because I can't fix it. Practice delicate detachment. Stay committed to my own stability. Be the un-anxious person in the room. Stay objective, not subjective. Stop trying to control the situation. Re-evaluate who I want to spend time with. I am not obliged to spend much time with someone who treats me with contempt, even if we're related. Be at peace.
They expect obeisance, as to a superior or someone in a higher position. You must always defer to them. Submit, accede, comply, concede. They are smart, you are dumb. That is what they expect of you. Anything else is seen as being antagonistic.
Thank you Doctor for posting so many videos on the subject about narcissist related, you have changed my life in big way I have been working on myself for years but only later on realised that it takes all parties involved to be willing to work on issues to achieve success, in some cases not everyone is willing or even able to put in the work necessary. It took decades for it to start sinking in that I am not a worthless, crazy or very stupid person and I am not there yet but I working hard on working on myself and have learnt to trust the Lord God Almighty above myself and my limited insight.
Dr Carter could you speak about high cortisol levels in survivors of narcissistic abuse during your live chat? I find that my anxiety levels and aggitation stay high longer because of my childhood and although I don't always react on them, I still feel like they wreak havoc on my health.
I've definitely detached, and it's much less painful to not be emotionally caught up or confused - there is a lot of power in that. But, it's hard to have boundaries when this sorry excuse for a human is demanding that I say something to smooth the energy. That wouldn't be such an awful request, except no matter what I say, it's followed by another demand to "say something kind" , or something like that. And then another. And then a promise that if I say something helpful, he'll stop, but of course he doesn't. Dr Ramani calls this "tension reduction". But it's an insatiable appetite. It's ridiculous. I would leave if I had the health and resources. If I had understood what narcissism was long ago, I would not have gotten to intertwined with him. But one day I will leave. And I will tell the truth about everything I've been through. Until then, I'll try harder to keep this wisdom close of staying zen. Thank you Dr C! You are truly a good soul.
This is something i need help with. My narc is unbalanced, and his only emotion seems to be rage. Luckily he's left town for three days so i have a respite from the name calling, accusations, yelling, etc.
@@aaronkwolfe Thank you! I have to wait on a hitch installation scheduled for Monday. The UHaul app set my first appt up on a day they don't do installations at a location where installations aren't done. I had to reschedule. It's better to call UHaul and speak to a live person lol. I appreciate everyone's concern. It's been very stressful.
I live with 2 that are unbalanced. The uncertainty is stressful. Their rages are scary. Self care and distance are key. I am outdoors a majority of the day to avoid issues. Fresh air, sunshine, time with my dog, therapy and coming here regularly all helps tremendously. I hear you and I wish you the very best. Stay strong. ❤️
@@tbunnyshy1 Thank you! I hide out in the guest room most of the time. There is a lot of overkill to his rage. It's over the top. It's a relief he's going to be gone a few days. God bless!
@@Hatbox948I’ve been where you’re at & know it takes a lot of courage & a little ‘sang- froid’ - cold blooded survivor’s determination to get out of something. You’re doing awesome!! Focus on you & see that butterflies in your tummy feeling as excitement instead of fear. I’m excited you’re moving towards you- oh, what adventures you’ll have! Do not second guess yourself & I promise you that you will feel immediate relief when you make your move!!! I’m excited for you & proud for you!! You go, girl!! Really. go. 😊 & one thing- please do not show him any emotion, don’t tell him anything. Really important to protect yourself on all levels. Grey rocking these toxic t**ts is so effective at times like these. Your narc sounds positively malignant & potentially violent.
NBA coach Phil Jackson used Zen ALOT on his players in the Chicago Bulls especially on Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman so that they can listen to him and play better and get along I’m not surprised IF Jordan and Rodman are narcissists btw (I don’t know if they are in private behind the scenes but I won’t be surprised if in fact they truly are )
Ihave experienced that Zen before when on the receiving end of a tirade so intense the person was beating the table and spitting as the shouted. I can’t say why my hot-button didn’t get triggered, but it felt very centered and calm while I was watching him rant. A few things Dr C mentioned that is now true for me in this relationship: 1) They have no hold or ability to inflict harm on me; 2) I feel good about my actions in the areas touched by this person, so while I still feel sensitive to judgement in other areas, not with him so he can look on me as he wishes, it doesn’t affect me. 3) I still welcome any help he’s willing to give, but have no expectations. The biggest thing for me is not to put myself in a position where this person has leverage over me.
I’ve been practicing Zen philosophy for a long time. It takes practice. It is very simple. But dealing with narcs is a whole other level. I am myself dealing. I don’t have expectations so I don’t feel let down. I practice radical acceptance. I focus on what I can control which is myself. I spent most of my life hoping certain people would change and love me. All wasted time and energy. I can only change myself. I meditate frequently, which took a lot of practice. It clears my mind and relaxes my body. Google, eastern philosophy. Dr. C is like my Buddha. Thank you so much doctor for all that you’ve taught me I didn’t even know about narcissism.
Narcissists have anger issues. Because of their mindset "The world owes me!" they set up for anger, which can show in many different ways. By becoming & staying in a mindset of Zen you are fully accepting the truth, what is - the reality. This allows you to be on a different, a healthy path. Do you have anger issues? Do you easily get angry? Do you want to change the other person? What are your triggers becoming angry? Do you listen carefully to your anger? How can you connect to yourself? How can you be & do better? 》Practice a regular mindset of Zen: 1. Accept the truth, the reality 2. You can only change yourself 3. Contemplate your life's meaning: 4. YOU WERE MADE FOR LOVE 5. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF 6. YOU DO HAVE INNER STRENGTH 7. LET GO ... 8. ... of judgement, denial ... 9. ... of unattainable idealism ... 10. ... of your demands ... 11. HOLD TO ... 12. ... assertion ... 13. ... firmness ... 14. ... boundaries ... 15. ESTABLISH YOURSELF as very "other" 16. HUMILITY can be your ultimate STRENGTH 17. BE SELF AWARE 18. DO CALMING EXERCISES (Meditation, yoga, walking etc.) 19. LISTEN ... to what anxiety & tension TEACH YOU 20. YOU ARE COMPETENT Be aware: > The Narcs anger is not about you > They have major internal conflicts > See their pain & turmoil > Detache "delicate" (not being mean) > You can't cleanse a toxic person > You are not held captive by your experiences > Do not compete with warring ego's Reminder: 》The best way to be in control is quit trying to be so in control Healthy charactertraits, committed to stability: ♡ patience ♡ self-restraint ♡ ♡ civility ♡ staying decisive ♡ May you consistently experience PEACE🙏 Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
I learned so much from Dr C & then implemented this principle by ceasing to respond when it was apparent that baiting me became his game. He actually admitted at the end that he could no longer trigger me! Now I believe this is a strength that I can apply in many other situations… similar to turning the other cheek, it off foots the opponent & he loses his supposed advantage… but I will add that this becomes dangerous when with a covert narc & his cold passive aggression was menacing before he left finally
The one I know takes the opportunity of my showing calm and pleasant demeanor to accuse me of "not caring." "You just look away when I talk to you." I don't look away until he's been talking about himself for an hour, then I might glance around looking to leave. "Are you running away?" There is no winning. No matter what I do. It's like a cat with a mouse, and it's just so annoying. He will sit there and weave his lies, his pretenses, false accounts and his gossip about others. He's a real joy. It's is a marvel to note how lying is so second nature to them. They lie when they don't even need to. I'm so sick of them.
Being with a narcissist, who is a keynote speaker and teaches classes on customer excellence, and says “those who anger you control you” although he rages at me and name calls in the most derogatory way that is beyond abusive, His entire life is contradictory to how he actually functions..superficially . I truly believe that it’s all catching up and the contracts that he does have with all these big companies will begin seeing just how crazy he is. The fact he has not been arrested at the airport for being disruptive is shocking. He constantly calls everyone else maggots and ordinary. He can’t stand in line with other people because they are maggots. 😳 Last I checked, we all bleed the same blood!!!!
It's true 🥰 Doctor Carter 🥰 , about drawing in peace 🕊️ into yourself and being calmer than the narcissistists , the problem is that their shape shifting gives them the mask to be Zen too when they are out to devalue you in public places or with others who turn against you. . . the problem for me with Zen is that I have to watch my back and be very sharp , South Africa is the most dangerous country so you have to be wide awake 🙏
Another great video; it's just sad that "going zen" is not possible in some situations. Our narcissist controlled Mom, and through her controlled the house and everyone in it. For 50 years he was there, plotting, planning and manipulating. Kind relatives would say "perhaps he's just a late bloomer," but Dad, myself and others knew that it was a deeper problem. When my folks tried ”zen" --- when anyone there or by phone or email said anything against him or ignored him --- he would go into a violent fit and start yelling and stomping and breaking things. If they were grandkids or non-family, he would stay in his room until they left, then come out and erupt. My poor folks even had to call the police a couple of times. After Dad passed away the narcissist virtually "locked down" the house, making it very unwelcome for visitors. Sadly, Mom put his childish needs and quirks above those of the other kids or grandkids. He would disconnect the telephone for days at a time. When we questioned Mom, she would always say that there's something wrong with the phone and she needs to get a new one. In other words, she would lie to protect him. (She had no computer --- telephoning was the only means of contact for us who lived far away.) He knew we would want to call during the holidays and other special days, so he would make sure the phone "wasn't working" at those times. I could go on and on, and I'm sorry to; but when I watch these videos I can't help myself recalling all the challenges our narcissist brought to our family, especially my parents, and what would have been applicable and what would not have been, with the very vexing situation of the narcissist having a long-suffering enabler who cooperated with him in all things. The ultimate shocker came during my last visit with Mom, when she actually hinted at the possibility of either myself or my son becoming the next enabler for this selfish narcissist, although we live far away and are busy with our own careers, homes, and family. (!?!) She apparently would have thought it perfectly natural for one or both of us to sacrifice all we have in order to continue in the role of enabler / servant that she played for so long. Amazing... simply amazing! Due to this, I hope that Dr. Carter will someday provide videos going into the role of "narcissist enabler," their type, thinking, sacrifices, etc. I'm sure there are others like me who would find them very interesting. Thank you for all you do, Dr. Carter.
"The world owes me!" I think it was about 2 months back, one day my (NOW-EX!) client stunned me by saying, "Yes, but I'M IMPORTANT!" I can't even remember what was being discussed, but this attitude was so blatent. I surprised even myself by replying... "EVERYONE'S important." He didn't seem to know how to respond to that. I think he changed the subject...
The Zen-Zone is tricky for me when my sister-in-law gets angry, so our strategy is to avoid her ... Just writing this about my narcissistic sister-in-law triggers me lol. So my sister-in-law is having a very difficult time with the boundary my husband set with her last week: he explained that he needs to take a break and not talk to her for at least one year, due to her habitual need for control of my husband & disrespect toward me. She's very angry over her brother's boundary, and she keeps calling him, and me too. So he decided to block her number to protect his boundary. I blocked her as well. And today (Monday) my husband noticed that his phone shows that she tried calling him 8 times on Sunday! Even though she's blocked the phone keeps record of attempted calls. What's funny is that we had such a peaceful Sunday yesterday, so I'm glad we didn't notice these calls until today -- would've spoiled my Sunday-Zen lol. Anyway, this particular sister needs therapy which is not a put down because my husband and I are in therapy and it's really helped us! We hope she seeks help since we can't fix whatever is going on with her. She needs to lash out at my husband, and me, because she feels entitled to control his life. It's as if my husband is her property. And my husband's late mother treated him the SAME way, like he's her property too. But our therapist encouraged my husband to set a strong boundary with his sister to help break the unhealthy emotional enmeshment he finds himself in with her. My husband is not emotionally attached to his sister, but she has a very unhealthy attachment to her brother. Very annoying for both of us. This sister needs to focus on her own life and stop being overly involved in ours. Her constant overstepping into our life feels like an invasion of privacy because it is!!! She even wanted to know what we talked about with our therapist! Which is none of her business. What's funny, we're seeing a therapist BECAUSE of her, but she doesn't need to know that. Outside of her over involvement, everything is completely A-OK with us. Were it not for her then we wouldn't be seeing a therapist. But she has turned into her late mother, by needing to control and criticize our every move. So frustrating, because there is nothing to control or correct that requires her assistance. We've been married over 35 years and we don't need, or want, her help. So far, we've managed just fine solving our own challenges in life without her 'help'. My husband's oldest sister is a healthy person and when she calls she's very pleasant and unintrusive. When we get married we can't pick our in-laws, so good boundaries are essential. And because of these boundaries I'm able to remain calm in spite of the apparent turmoil on her end. Her issue, not mine. Not seeing or talking to her is how I remain calm. Strong boundaries like this help me stay in the Zen-Zone.
Serenity now! (From Seinfeld) 🤣 Also I play Sims 4, have a sim of the narcissist. I can be mean to his Sim instead of him, 😈. I've put that Sim through so much!
Thank you Dr. Carter, thanks to you l become a master in dealing with" my"narcissist - friend. I am in Zen state most of the time and love it. No one can upset me or get me angry. My narcissist love argue and fight, but doesn't matter what he says ( even calling me names) no reaction from me, just continue doing what I was doing...l can see how much l confuse him and eventually he stops his stupid behavior...l always can predict moment he will start his nonsense behaviour and well prepared ( emotionally) there is no way he can hurt me. Being this way l become stronger than ever.
👋 Dr Carter ☀️ My empathic father had a great sense of humor and loved making other people laugh. The only time my narcissistic mother laughed was when it was at someone else’s expense. Do you have a video that addresses the “narcissistic sense of humor” in depth? Would you like to do one? 🙏 ❤️ ☮️ 🐕 🐈⬛
In my experience, all the narcissistic family members I know walk into the room angry. There is always a sense of anger on their face and in their demeanor, this is the reason I believe they cannot laugh or encourage anyone. They act and move as though anger dominates everything in them and you are correct, they work to make us angry because misery loves company. The narcissists I know act as though they despise anyone who is happy or joyful, they always DO something to try to remove that joy. When we are calm and unreactive they walk away even more angry, even attempting to influence others in the room against us. Then if that doesn't work they find a reason to have to leave. Its almost funny if it weren't so sad because it is childish, like the child who doesn't like they are losing in the ball game so they take their ball and go home.
Appreciate this so much. I always felt I couldn't have my zen moments because of the darkness of the narcissist. The narcissist tries to destroy those positive moments. If you accept what is and what you can't change and even the suffering none of it is quite as bad when you detach.
I had trouble with this. Not because I couldn't do it. The narcs are my parents and older sister. There were constant tantrums from them growing up. I as a small child learned early to go zen to survive. But after decades is became disassociating and caused me long term emotional issues. Now that I'm getting away from these people and their soul sucking behavior I realize this should be for short term survival or only in small short doses with a narc that you don't have a lot of constant contact with. If you live with the narc or they have financial power over you going zen needs to be used in the short term while you plan your escape. Otherwise you risk being cut off from your own emotions and eventually if you lose the lows long enough you can lose the highs as well.
When I decided to end the disastrous marriage I was warned by my therapist to expect a lot more abuse and anger. “It gets worse before it gets better”. Well it is a lot worse and my grounding techniques aren’t always enough! Any wisdom on that? Thanks, this will be my first live 😊
Be very careful when using these techniques because cold passive aggression can flip in a heart beat. Don’t turn your back on him but remember you’re in a fight for your survival! You will prevail if you can keep one step ahead as he tries to turn the tables & get a reaction from you to your disadvantage ❤️🩹 best of luck to you!
Thanks, and spot on too! I’ve managed to stay slightly ahead so far but he’s doubling down with false accusations, baiting and provocations. I was hoping he’d become so emboldened that he’d make a mistake… But absolutely, I am aware of treading in very dangerous territory now 😰
Thank you dear ladies for your sound advice and warnings! None of his sabotaging attempts will outweigh the freedom and peace that are slowly reappearing after 25 years of fight or flight fog ❤️
In the same boat, with my narc sibling. She's been non stop sending texts to my father about how terrible iam and telling anyone who would listen that I'm horrendous all because I told her I'm cutting contact. It's a long road but have faith that you are right for getting away
Im .a teacher. And there's this way overused story of some starfish that had gotten washed up on the beach and they were basically stuck on the land with no way of getting back to the ocean. One young boy was walking on that beach and picking up a starfish, and throwing it back in. An old man who was witnessing this said,"why are you doing that? There's too many of them to make a difference. But the little boy shouted, as he threw one back into the ocean...it made a difference for that one"
Hey Team Healthy! I call it the “ gotcha sphere.” Ugh. Your words are so helpful, Dr C. Working with the narc ex’s influence on our three daughters: his Flying Monkeys. 😭❤🙏🏼
I think this is my favorite video of yours so far. I'm dealing with someone who loves to play the Gotcha game. Such a revelation to hear that I don't need to react, I can separate myself from this.
Best way is gray rock or just ignore them completely. They need attention so bad that they’ll come seeking you out! Other ppl will notice their insecurities and insanity.
Wonderfully said! I need to believe in myself. It’s very hard to stay zen when I am criticized daily by my husband. It hurts my feelings. Thanks for your videos.❤
Jennifer, yes, believe in yourself! The criticizm is NOT about you. He hurts your feelings but in fact he is constantly hurting himself. Find your inner strength and keep emotional distance from your husband. Find peace in yourself. Take action within you. You are worth to be loved. Wishing you all the best 🙏💛🙏
.Hi from the Pacific Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy Community. Live in Peace. Early one morning when I was feeding my kitty, he began to curse me because he had told me to do something else. While he was screaming I just started saying the Lord's Prayer out real loud and he immediately shut up and walked out of the kitchen. I had no more troubles out of him that day. Thank you Dr. Carter.
😂just a smile and silence makes a hell of difference 🤣🤣💞🌹🙏I observed them revisiting their hurts and licking old wounds in every family gatherings. Thanks DRC 💞🌹🙏
Dr. Carter, because of your help, i am now seeing a therapist who is great. Who gets it. I owe this to you. Please keep doing what you do. You are changing lives for the better.
It’s so healing for me to hear a sane message in this crazy world we live in from a kind person. Who understands this so well. I want to be this way from now on.
I am in a situation where my adult lads live with me. Eventually, they will leave home. Until then I am usuing my accumulative knowledge learned here and practicing my Zen. I'm still learning Zen and I'm looking forward to seeing the video and the chat with TH family ❤
Hopefully your adult lads will leave home sooner than later so that you will have time to rest and find more peace 😊 By the way, I answered you another time on the other channel 😉😁 (My answers can take a while for I am working a lot this month. Tonight another night shift.) ❤🤗
@roxymovie3938 I know! TH-cam can be a little slow sometimes, but we get the messages eventually. And, I am very grateful for my TH pals 🤗 Also, I used that coconut oil tip you gave me. So far, so good 👍 I got talking to another lady in the health shop who also recommended it! Nice one 👍 You take care of yourself. 🙏💕🫂
@@amandaliverpool3374 Amanda, well, great that you used the coconut oil 😊 and that also another woman in the health shop recommended it to you, is also a good one, isn't it 😉? I do hope that your body will at least get a bit balanced now and that your broken tooth soon will get out of your body. (Although as long as he is also inflamed, they can't pull him out. First the infection must be healed.) Fine to hear from my ✍ pal on TH 💟 Actually I had lots of penfriends, started at my teenage years and went on till some today, most of them I met in real life. I have always liked writing for you can connect on an other level and it can also keep your mind clear. Wishing you all the best with many regards from the 🌠 🌠 to you 🫂💗
I have moved into my own apartment but I’m constantly needing my husband to pay my car insurance, light bill, etc. He’s real nice (I won’t let you go without.❤) until he freaks out, points out that I can’t live without him because I’m poor, and begins calling me names I can’t repeat. He literally tells me he loves me, to which I don’t answer, and then ghosts me for weeks. It’s a roller coaster. I just want to move to Seattle, Thailand, or France!
I make it a point to remind myself each day that, regardless of how I feel about that dysfunctional relationship, I want to be kind, loving and value the good people in my life. I wish things were different in my relationship with them, but until they get help for their anger, I choose not to be in that relationship. I grieve the loss, but I'd rather love with honesty.
I cannot help but love my narcissistic father and want to do everything in my power to make him happy, I know that is how he conditioned me and that it’s probably not pure love but guilt and fear of being left alone, I am 22 and feel like a child when I’m around him, I have never gotten anything without feeling like I owe him for it. Of course he always makes sure to say it’s because he loves me and I do not owe him, but as soon as I do something he does not like he lists all of the things he has done for me and tells me I am ungrateful… every time we have an argument he treats me like a princess the next day and I feel so weird about it now, I always thought it was because he thought about his actions and actually reflected on them during the night, and was trying his best to make it up to me or CHANGE… but now I’m having a really eerie feeling that he is only doing this to make me forget what he did and get me back on his good side… the thought of him planning and calculating this behavior to get me to obey him, because I respond to apologies since I am a very sensitive and forgiving person, makes me want to throw up, I really need someone to validate this stuff… I know i need a therapist but for now anyone’s opinion who understands is welcome 😣💔
Luckily for me, my narcissist was a friend i could ultimately escape from. When she threw a 2 year old tantrum at the airport in front of staff, you can bet i stayed zen, because i thought this woman is clearly unhinged and has no limits. If my stuff wasn't stored at her house, i might have taken a different path. Ironically, she'd had me convinced she was an upmarket English lady - and there she was bellowing, stamping her feet, clenched fists and red puffed cheeks!
After being diagnosed wit C-PTSD, my doctor upped my antidepressant medication and threw in a little occasional Zanax to help me get well. I’ve now acclimated myself to a non reactive status without the Zanax as I’ve learned how Zen feels. Thank you for this excellent video 🙏💕
This is exactly what my goal has been or what I have been trying to attain in my life. And turning 60 today, I really needed to see this video confirming that what I am doing is right and that I am moving in the right direction. I get angry at myself when I sometimes 'bite the bait', but then I quickly 'pull back' and just 'accept' the situation as it is. I have learned so much from you, Dr. C, and the feeling of having you in my corner in my healing is a true blessing for me. I want to always stay in the Zen mode. Namaste...🙏💝
Being zen in the face of anger is your greatest asset. If they can't read you, they can't play you.
Indeed! As hard as they absolutely keep trying!
Well said 👏👏
What you are really saying is to get out of TERE sight !
Yup,,,,,I luv calling them out. They hate it.
Yes. Anyone else having trouble not showing emotion? It's written all over my face.
It's not the anger that bothers me. It's the endless pettiness and lie-at-all-costs attacks that they do that bother me.
You can not change their behaviours and they do not live in the reality. So, why bother? Acceptance is key 👋
@@roxymovie3938 Actually, you can. It is sort of like the old saying, "One of the few things stupid does understand is pain."
Make them make their own world such an impossible hell to live in and they will change their ways.
Yes, the anger bothers me less. Though as an observer I find it mind boggling how readily they show themselves up but don't see how completely they discredit themselves.
But as you say, the pettiness, especially the endless intrusion and the blatant lying is the worst part. Even so, I enjoy not reacting beyond standing by boundaries. Detachment is everything.
Exactly, 'lie-at-all-costs,' I told my brother, (after I didn't respond to his gaslighting) when he would get all mad for some little thing, and fabricate, "Don't lie to me." The consternation became PALPABLE, but he didn't say much, except to briefly reiterate how he believed his own misinterpretation!
Yup. Saying crazy shi like wtf are you even talking about
This is a disturbed world with disturbed people .✔️
Choose to "stay inside your place of dignity." Delicately detach. Be of love, and Stay Golden.
Exactly.
Love this.
I found a very new Zen came with the knowledge of what narsissism actually is .
True 👍
Yep
Let’s face it, I admit that I get triggered from time to time by narcissistic people specifically by my mother even being on team healthy I admit it I do I am not perfect and I will never be and I don’t want to be perfect I want to be free to be me.
Keep working at it, Fred!
@@SurvivingNarcissism keep your videos coming because they are my bible.
Knowing what triggers me has helped me. It doesn't stop me from feeling triggered, but it has changed how I respond and greatly decreased my being reactive.
As always, I realize I still have work to do. Thank you for all your help. I'm working on it.
My last day with my narcissistic client, it would have been so nice to maintain my EXCESSIVE self-control for just 5 more minutes before I left... oh well! A friend online told me, "Don't beat yourself up over it. YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN!" This made me feel better, as months earlier, when my client's partner had been berating me for MY ever reacting to abuse, I told him, "I'M NOT SUPERHUMAN."
I'm SO THRILLED not to be working for those guys anymore. (But I have every intent to CONTINUE studying Narcissism. It's too important-- and too dangerous-- not to, for my own future benefit.)
After almost 50 years with a highly trained military officer ultimate narcissist controlling me, I need to listen to this about 10 times a day. My counseling in my youth before the internet was the preacher at our church who told me to go home and cook my husband's favorite meal and submit to him. I was put down, made fun of, gaslighted, manipulated, treated awful when I was sick, bawled out when pregnant and when I had little infants to take care of for not going back to work to get that check for him. Because of the church I was so brainwashed. So much to work through now. For one thing, I was seeking God and got people being mean to me and making me feel that no matter what I did, it was NEVER< NEVER enough. IT WAS AN AWFUL LIFE!! A miracle would be if I could say ZEN!!
Although developing my personal relationship with the LORD has brought me a lot of comfort, strength and (hopefully ) wisdom, I must admit and agree with you that the Church itself still has a lot of flaws even after nearly 2,000 years. I'm truly sorry you were placed under that kind of stress and "judgement". They have failed me as well along several different lines But the TRUTH is still out there; and, developing a ZEN mindset is definitely worth striving for. I hope you haven't abandoned your faith.
I understand. I was raised in the church and both of my parents are narcissists. Naturally, I gravitated to military which is dominated by narcissists and psychopaths. After 12 years I left the Army as I saw I was becoming like them.
@Rachel-mz8ko Yes, prayer, some christian books including the holy bible & occasionally a few imperfect people at church have helped me too. I hate to think where I'd be without God's mercy & grace😊
So sorry that *your church let you down in the worst way. It may or may not interest you to know that most churches are built on serving women, not men. Thus the men carry all the responsibility, while the only obligation on the women is to serve food .. with no obligation to prepare the food. Thus inside the church he has no leverage.. and outside the church the legal system is built to abuse the male.. protecting the female as every turn.
I can relate, 34 years with a very religious narcissist. I was taught to be forgiving & that led me to become a doormat. Also, the pent up anger & resentment can do terrible things to your mind & body. We weren't taught boundaries, being seen as a selfish bitch was the worst thing you could be!! I had a really hard time understanding what a boundary was since I was raised to be a people pleaser. My body isn't what it used to be but my mental health has come a long way.
You didn’t know. Now you do. You’ve grown. Life keeps moving forward. Hang on for the ride.
So as I am listening to this I am reminded of when I had small children. It’s like being a parent and watching a five year old child throw a tantrum. We stand still, we stay calm, and we just think “I know you hurt, baby. I know” while they lose their cool and we stay in control and completely calm.
That was NEVER my Dad!!!!! --but, it was my Mom.
I think the difference is that they can be quiet dangerous.. at least in my experience
Honestly that's the last thing I would ever think again. "Their pain" had centre stage in my life for decades - that's the whole problem, the reason I wasted time, opportunities and valuable friendships.
Yes, I don't react any more. Because the evil freak doesn't matter. Their feelings certainly don't matter. Their bad choices are their own responsibility. One doesn't owe them sympathy, outwardly or inwardly.
@@joannageorge7305 Oh, I completely get that. I was just describing what I thought he meant we should do to be zen. Trying to imagine a picture of what that would look like in my head. If I think of the narc as a five year old throwing a tantrum, and myself as the adult, it helps me stay in my power.
Lol not my parents. But my next door neighbor growing up was like that. I hope if I become a parent, I can be a loving one in that way. Apparently.... That mess pretty rare to anyone that comes to watch educational content about narcissists lmao. Hopefully someday I can be the calm force I want to see
Zen for me is the peace of God🕊️that passes all understanding.
Exactly.
🕊💛🕊
Anger is a Sign of Pain or Fear Of It.
Acceptance is wisdom not defeat.✔️
Truly spoken 👍
The trouble with dealing with narcissists is that it's all too easy to lose the battle and fall into bad ways or addiction or the like. The trick is to stay positive but it's definitely not easy
Their anger is a trap. When we see it, we don't fall in.
@@robinwildheart5321 , when they can not provoke you into getting angry anymore because you know the tricks next comes steady talk of gloom ,doom and any type of negativity about everything to tear down your emotional stability . You need to let that pearl off of you too by being self aware and steady in your beliefs and info of reality.
@@mariaawake4502 Yes I agree completely. I have to correct myself and say that when we see the trap it's easier not to fall in. Sometimes I still do. I sounded just a little too sure of myself earlier.
Do not let the narcissist replace your thought with his , his are faulty.
Exactly.
In summary: Accepting reality while keeping a cool head is far different than giving up. Staying Zen while not giving up enables us on TEAM healthy to remain creative in finding solutions to any of our own life style problems. We know that we have self worth while refusing to be only a human doing who is going to be acting for the rest of our lives as a part of that controlling unhealthy dance in which the narcissist insists on taking the lead.
Your summery is a gem , to be noted down in my surviving narc diary. A mantra to keep our head up in the stormy ocean created by them...Lacking for words as I m French. 🎉 Indebted to you who have beautifully stolen and improved my inner thoughts...❤ GBY 🌷 🙏
That says it all 🎯 I newly realize I am not “nothing”. Its not my responsibility to take care of and comfort these people that hurt me. I wasted my life but not understanding these things sooner. I’m happy to be on Team Healthy. Finally there is light 💡
my line of work puts me in front of narcissists all day long. it's very difficult to deal with 40hrs a week 52 weeks a year so this is helping me. i dont have a choice to change jobs right now, so i'll keep the faith until i can get out of this job permanently and into what i really want to do. thanks for your advice
Godspeed, my friend. May you have divine ultimate protection throughout your day, I am happy you are looking to remove yourself!!! Cheers!
WOW. Early this year I jumped from 6 hours a week dealing with a pair of narcissists to 20 hours. After only 2 weeks, I told my supervisor I NEEDED my hours cut back to 16 (a relatively small change) or I would not make it to 6 months. For 3 months, she did NOTHING. It's been suggested this may be because she KNEW, nobody else working for my agency could possibly put up with these 2 lunatics the way I was.
I've repeatedly said I hate quitting any job unless I absolutely have no choice. Lucky me-- now I don't have to! (I was given the push by my client because I refused to come in on my day off-- after it took me 3 months to get that day off.)
I can relate about lookng for a better job. Back in the 90s, I spent 6 months looking for a better job when the atmosphere in the engineering film I was working got completely TOXIC. It finally reached a point where I had to QUIT without having a job to go to. Things worked out... sort of. But sometimes, you really do have no choice.
@@michaelgpartridge2384 🙏🏾 Thank you!
Keep trying, You never lived until you have been Quizzed& seriously questioned:: over ONE LOST WASHCLOTH in the Laundry room. ( who gives a HOOT)!!!!
Zen equals "SELF POSSESSION "
Gus is one lucky puppy! He has the best owner....Dr. C !
You're kind!
Gus is great. He shows us the way - just take a nap!
I hope this covers alspnthe topic that even when to manage to stay zen, mostly it enrages them even more, which is hella scary.
I hope so too 🙏
Me Three 🙏
Its easy to understand with my brain that they wont ever change and that their reaction actually isnt abt me but my soul is screaming "kick his face"
It feels so conflicting.....
I draw so much from watching these videos. They are helping me through a situation that is excruciating.....
But, I find myself breaking down in a pool of tears with almost every one of them, as the description of the narcissist by the Doc is SPOT ON to the character of the person I'm dealing with.... it's crazy! It breaks my heart for this person, as I have deep love for him that goes back to our highschool romance in 1998..... first love. My goodness, it's been soooo difficult!! I feel so bad for this broken man who literally has no one on this earth, besides me, who he engages with.... it's a huge burden that I took upon myself, but I'm finding my efforts less and less recognized, and I'm punished for my shortcomings instead.....
It's so disheartening.... he's taken so much from me, which I freely gave, and I'd do it again. I just wish he showed me appreciation, even just a little....
I understand he can't.... but it's so hard to let go.
I feel like I'm abandoning him...... he really doesn't have a soul in this world, and it sounds cruel to say, but it's very obvious why that is.
I feel so defeated.
I know he wasn't mine to fix, but God KNOWS I surely did my best to try...............
I'm sorry: not sure why I went on that little rant.
Thank you for allowing me this space to do so. ❤
Thank you. Your rant made me realize that I wasn’t alone in this.
My abusive, narc mom recently fell ill and was in the hospital for a time. My younger brother and his wife was with her.. I text her to check on her and kept in contact with my brother while she was hospitalized, but phone calls and visits I just can not do… after more than 50 yrs of being abused in some way or another by this woman I finally started on my path to healing which means setting boundaries. My brother is now upset with me and has left me on “read” for 2 days. Some days I feel an extreme amount of guilt and other days I feel free. On my down days I keep telling myself- “the facts are, as much I love my brother and his family, he’s been recruited into mom’s flying monkey club and as much as I love my mom in spite of everything, I can not under any circumstance give her a chance to throw a monkey wrench 🔧 into my healing.” I’m thankful for these videos
@@77thTrombone thank you 🙏 I keep in contact with my brother. I love him to pieces. I remember a counselor told me once when I said, “she doesn’t mistreat him”. He said, “you don’t know that. Trust me, he’s been subject to it just in a different way and when you’re not around”. I never forgot it. My brother is precious to me. He’s a good man in spite of it all. I will continue to reach out… I’m on decent terms with family. It’s not my thing to go around stirring up trouble.. I just want to live out my time on this earth in peace. Thank you again 🙏❤️ and I’ll be praying for you and your wife and your situation. God speed, friend
The mastery of one’s own mind, is the key to staying unaffected and unbothered by the negativity of others. Great teachings and lessons in this video.
Amen!
Really needed to hear this today. I lost my temper for the first time in a long time with my N. We haven't been around each other for a long time because he's such a control freak.
Gradually he has wormed his way back into my good graces, but he got an idea of how I should live my life and came over and tried to force his ideas on me when I wasn't receptive. I repeatedly tried to gently tell him to stop and when he kept pushing because he thought it was for my own good, I had to start screaming and push him out the door. Exactly the way Dr. C describes the dynamics: Now he's sulky and acting hurt. I was wondering if I could maybe just sit down with him and we could have a conversation that could lead to some clarity about how we communicate.
But after hearing this podcast... OMMMMMM
You're not alone sending love ❤
Indeed!
I tried to have a sit down to clear the air, but to no avail. Conflict resolution with a narcissistic person is difficult if not down right impossible.
I’m now in my mid-40’s and have decided it’s best to walk away.
I have tried “sitting down and talking things out” for over twenty straight years.... data is data - they refuse. This is a divine-level problem and we must remove ourselves and pray for these tormentors, we cannot help them directly, they are imprisoned by their dysfunction
No! Kick the Nars out of your life completely!!
I got angry at my soon to be ex, he screamed at me for 2 hours until I got angry after I got angry and upset, he smirked and grined at me. It made me feel so sick. I know how he feels about me now. I have no more blinders on anymore. The pain I felt after realizing I meant nothing to him ever, broke my heart. 💔
Are they angry with themselves?! It's like they're their own worst enemies. They're the arsonist and the fire fighter 🤷♀️
Definitely!
It's like the serenity prayer. You have to accept that the only thing you can control is yourself, and being "zen" is not for the abuser, it's for yourself and your own well-being.
Yes Gus was Mr. Zen right there! “Respectfully I don’t care.”
Confabulations, lies, distortions, when it’s mind boggling, it’s time to disengage rather than engage. I know, easier said than done.
Zazen meditation has changed everything. The narc wins by owning real estate in the mind and meditation cleanses that space of their presence
I haven't totally arrived but I've come a long way. Mostly I'm just really really sad. Thanks so much for your videos.❤
I have over time to adopt the “Zen” and focus on the breath I believe this kept me alive at certain points in that marriage and deflated her power without doing much of anything. Thanks everyone ❤☮️
I always felt the narcissist tries to take away what keeps you sane. I do feel staying in a zen place deflates some of their power.
Yep! Best Practice means kicking the Narcissist out of your life ASAP. Gray Rock allows them to fine-tune their tactics.. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an abusive, childish, backstabbing BEAST? Gender dynamics ( Gynocentrism) and the Legal system, means that men usually put up with crap, hate, and abuse when their best tactics is to disappear.. run to the store for a loaf of bread and never return. Make sure you time is such that you are not penniless, and have proof that you left of your free will, with her desiring your return.. You don't want any false allegations leveled against you.. Nars will use any tool they can to abuse you.
Remember Bruce Lee’s “be water, my friend”?
That is - for me - to be zen. To accept and adapt, in order to minimize the energy you’ll spend on the narcissist, and maximize your wellbeing.
Oh wow Dr Carter, from France 🇫🇷 after one year of psychological support & online coaching with the supposedly most competent one owning about 1,000 podcasts, YOU are a gift to humanity deceived by all those very sick multiple narcs, going deeper into their distorted functioning...
You are the key to’perfection leading us to exhaustive healing without too many scars.
This podcast can save lives 🎉 Incredible.
One step further indeed after listening to you for only 4 months. Like dazzling Light ☀ at the end of this tunnel being like a lethal maze. I am amazed 😊
You and your community are extraordinary because humane, genuine, understanding and thought provoking. Lacking for words sorry.
All the best and God Bless You all 💒
My goodness...thanks for the warm regards, and know I'm glad to be on the path with you!
@@SurvivingNarcissismDr Carter and healthy Community, I mean what I say and always say what I mean ( except to narcs where silence, fake indifference, hidden friends from him are necessary ) ...
There cannot be no safer and warmer place than by your side...virtually but so potent. Let s sow the seeds of happiness along the path to recovery. 🥀 🌸 🏞 😊 🌃
One of the most powerful lessons I learned was to listen to my anger. My ex would try to provoke an angry response to control, manipulate and demean me. I learned to listen to my anger as soon as it began. It was warning me to proceed no further. Once I did that, I could embrace the zen.
So pleased you're figuring it out!!
Acceptance is a huge factor in living a healthy life.
Zen = take a deep breath and slowy breathe out to get connected with your body, mind and soul. Be patient. Be calm. Be peaceful.
Narcissists are tension seekers for they need your dysregulations to regulate their own emotions.
The Sociopath I was dealing with, once told me, "Everything is depending on feelings. My personal interpretation of succes is to feel good."
What a gaslighting, cause I thought he would seek peace when in fact he needed fury for his wellbeing!!!
During the worst rage I experienced from him, I stayed totally calm although I was intensly shocked.
Thanks for the path leading to the " zen" attitude, all the more difficult as you are crushed inside, with a restless, stressed out mind and brain. Mine was a malignant one who became a psychopath so my body is wearing stigmas...😢 Your comment shall help me get through...
✌ ❤ from France 🇫🇷 🎉
Precisely! 🎯❤️
Well done 👏
I worked with "Esmi" a real Tool who made up rules as she went along.. Six months STUCK in a room with "Miss Perfect" ( a legend in her own tiny Mind)'
@@laurence.MusicAndSights You are very welcome, Laurence❣ Yes, unfortunately, enduring these relationships can have impact on your whole being/system like you said, brain and mind crushed, soul broken and body injured. Recovery can be a long journey and specially the body has its own memory, we are often not even aware of but shows us when the body reacts (alert, tension, illness) in certain ways. Glad that you found Team Healthy. Wishing you all the best on your journey, lots of peace 🕊 üüüand many regards to you and the beautiful nature, you are living in. 🙋♀️💛🌈
Acknowledging internally what's really happening. That's the way I use to stay calm in those moments.
Say the narcissist is suddenly raging over me asking them to do the tiniest thing, like move a cheese slicer to the right spot in the cupboard. Suddenly they sling a demeaning comment my way, and I get a powerful anxious reaction because of the really strong escalation.
I'll use all my previous knowledge about them and myself and can for example say something like "now you are really anxious. You are decades back in time, probably with your own father, and you are projecting that I am them. Or maybe you're projecting what you yourself are feeling about yourself, but you don't want to sit with it, so you try to forcefully put it on me instead.
You chose me as a target because I'm very open and available. I'm also very tired, so I'm an incredibly easy target in this moment. I will not see what's coming. This is hurting a lot for me, because you've done this for so many times before. So much that this is a really open wound in me. I've also experienced this way too much with others.
But I don't need to feel all the emotions you trigger in me, because the emotions you slung my way, does not belong to me, nor does it belong to our relationship. It belongs to you and someone in your past, way before I was born. These are my fears you're triggering, and they belong to me, but there's no reason in this moment to trigger them and you are completely alone in being one who tries deliberately triggering them.
This is something I only feel when I'm with you."
And then I feel a lot calmer and less prone to react. If I remember to breathe and start this chain of thought, then it usually helps a lot. Narcissist is way too busy, way gone in those really far-gone rationalizations to notice what I'm doing, so it's only helping.
This was the one where I really needed to know back then. I was making real progress going from react to respond, but I fell for the staged setup and she used my response to create a scenario where I appeared to be abusive. And I fell for it. I didn’t know she was capable of such manipulation, and how she was able to dupe another to be the witness to only her perspective. That was 8 years ago, and I often mentally relive that set-up to change something, ANYTHING, to not appear to be the bad guy she pretended I was. It was one heckuva grand finale, but it’s over now. Well, almost over. I should sign post-nup papers this week, pay my lawyer, and put this all behind me.
Yes, I was there too. There was that need to clarify and the hope of finding just the right explanation to do so, that frustrated and exhausted me. Of course it provided lots of narcissistic supply for him. I did not understand that before getting the education and felt like I was constantly running into a brick wall. Building leverage and seeing the narcissist as an odd person is the only treatment a narcissist understands. Yes, he thinks he is Adonis and Einstein reborn in one person, but nobody else does.
“I didn’t know she was capable of such manipulation.” THAT’S it in a nutshell for me too, Aaron. Thank you for sharing your story.
🙏 ❤️ ☮️ 👊
🙏🫂
It's frustrating isn't it and very isolating. I suspect that one day she will show her true colours to some of those people who unwittingly supported her at the time. You'll be long gone by then and living your best life. That's what I hope for you.
@@seven2025 It has already begun. Our oldest daughter tells me that she's socially cut off her mother, and our other two are close (one of which has been a flying monkey against me all these years), and that our daughter is informing my narc's mother that she was defrauded out of her husband's death benefit, due to lies. I'm signing postnuptial paperwork on Thursday. She already has found a new financial supply, and our kids hate him. {shrugs}
Love this. Calm confidence in who I am; calm acceptance of who they are; maintaining a wall of pleasantness. I am responsible for my responses and reactions and attitudes - not theirs.
They do not determine my worth or destiny. They may judge me but that doesn't me it's true and I don't have to correct them.
No more JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining)
Practice self care and self compassion. Forgive myself for past mistakes and failures. I accept that I can't change it, only learn and move on. Self-awareness and calming exercises.
Relinquish my need for justice in this lifetime and all my losses to God because I can't fix it.
Practice delicate detachment.
Stay committed to my own stability. Be the un-anxious person in the room. Stay objective, not subjective.
Stop trying to control the situation.
Re-evaluate who I want to spend time with. I am not obliged to spend much time with someone who treats me with contempt, even if we're related.
Be at peace.
I'll watch this on replay. I'm on cloud nine right now as my hitch is finally installed. God bless Team Healthy, Gus, and Dr. Carter!
Go get 'em!
Rejoicing with you on this one. Proceed as needed, as carefully as possible.
@@aaronkwolfe I will. Thank you!
Radical acceptance.
It is what it is.
My mantra in life now is to protect my mental health and to live life with dignity, respect, and civility.
They expect obeisance, as to a superior or someone in a higher position. You must always defer to them. Submit, accede, comply, concede. They are smart, you are dumb. That is what they expect of you. Anything else is seen as being antagonistic.
Thank you Doctor for posting so many videos on the subject about narcissist related, you have changed my life in big way
I have been working on myself for years but only later on realised that it takes all parties involved to be willing to work on issues to achieve success, in some cases not everyone is willing or even able to put in the work necessary.
It took decades for it to start sinking in that I am not a worthless, crazy or very stupid person and I am not there yet but I working hard on working on myself and have learnt to trust the Lord God Almighty above myself and my limited insight.
So pleased for you!
You have the ability to deal with real life in a practical manner with realistic behaviors and goals...just what we ALL need...thank you sir
Good morning from California have a beautiful day 🎉
EXACTLY the message that I needed today, and I am grateful. Thank you, Dr.Carter!!
You are so welcome
Dr Carter could you speak about high cortisol levels in survivors of narcissistic abuse during your live chat? I find that my anxiety levels and aggitation stay high longer because of my childhood and although I don't always react on them, I still feel like they wreak havoc on my health.
Yes, when we're in sympathetic nervous system mode much more than parasympathetic, it skews our biochemistry in harmful ways over the long term 🤗xx
I've definitely detached, and it's much less painful to not be emotionally caught up or confused - there is a lot of power in that. But, it's hard to have boundaries when this sorry excuse for a human is demanding that I say something to smooth the energy. That wouldn't be such an awful request, except no matter what I say, it's followed by another demand to "say something kind" , or something like that. And then another. And then a promise that if I say something helpful, he'll stop, but of course he doesn't. Dr Ramani calls this "tension reduction". But it's an insatiable appetite. It's ridiculous. I would leave if I had the health and resources. If I had understood what narcissism was long ago, I would not have gotten to intertwined with him.
But one day I will leave. And I will tell the truth about everything I've been through. Until then, I'll try harder to keep this wisdom close of staying zen. Thank you Dr C! You are truly a good soul.
This is something i need help with. My narc is unbalanced, and his only emotion seems to be rage. Luckily he's left town for three days so i have a respite from the name calling, accusations, yelling, etc.
See, this is where good friends would gather and get you out, keep you safe, and/or help you find freedom. I wish you more than just three days.
@@aaronkwolfe Thank you! I have to wait on a hitch installation scheduled for Monday. The UHaul app set my first appt up on a day they don't do installations at a location where installations aren't done. I had to reschedule. It's better to call UHaul and speak to a live person lol. I appreciate everyone's concern. It's been very stressful.
I live with 2 that are unbalanced. The uncertainty is stressful. Their rages are scary. Self care and distance are key. I am outdoors a majority of the day to avoid issues. Fresh air, sunshine, time with my dog, therapy and coming here regularly all helps tremendously. I hear you and I wish you the very best. Stay strong. ❤️
@@tbunnyshy1 Thank you! I hide out in the guest room most of the time. There is a lot of overkill to his rage. It's over the top. It's a relief he's going to be gone a few days. God bless!
@@Hatbox948I’ve been where you’re at & know it takes a lot of courage & a little ‘sang- froid’ - cold blooded survivor’s determination to get out of something. You’re doing awesome!! Focus on you & see that butterflies in your tummy feeling as excitement instead of fear. I’m excited you’re moving towards you- oh, what adventures you’ll have! Do not second guess yourself & I promise you that you will feel immediate relief when you make your move!!! I’m excited for you & proud for you!! You go, girl!! Really. go. 😊 & one thing- please do not show him any emotion, don’t tell him anything. Really important to protect yourself on all levels. Grey rocking these toxic t**ts is so effective at times like these. Your narc sounds positively malignant & potentially violent.
NBA coach Phil Jackson used Zen ALOT on his players in the Chicago Bulls especially on Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman so that they can listen to him and play better and get along
I’m not surprised IF Jordan and Rodman are narcissists btw (I don’t know if they are in private behind the scenes but I won’t be surprised if in fact they truly are )
Jordan definitely
Ihave experienced that Zen before when on the receiving end of a tirade so intense the person was beating the table and spitting as the shouted. I can’t say why my hot-button didn’t get triggered, but it felt very centered and calm while I was watching him rant. A few things Dr C mentioned that is now true for me in this relationship: 1) They have no hold or ability to inflict harm on me; 2) I feel good about my actions in the areas touched by this person, so while I still feel sensitive to judgement in other areas, not with him so he can look on me as he wishes, it doesn’t affect me. 3) I still welcome any help he’s willing to give, but have no expectations. The biggest thing for me is not to put myself in a position where this person has leverage over me.
They try to exchange energy with us, but they can't do it if we stay calm.
Good way to put it!
I’ve been practicing Zen philosophy for a long time. It takes practice. It is very simple. But dealing with narcs is a whole other level. I am myself dealing. I don’t have expectations so I don’t feel let down. I practice radical acceptance. I focus on what I can control which is myself. I spent most of my life hoping certain people would change and love me. All wasted time and energy. I can only change myself. I meditate frequently, which took a lot of practice. It clears my mind and relaxes my body. Google, eastern philosophy. Dr. C is like my Buddha. Thank you so much doctor for all that you’ve taught me I didn’t even know about narcissism.
Narcissists have anger issues. Because of their mindset "The world owes me!" they set up for anger, which can show in many different ways. By becoming & staying in a mindset of Zen you are fully accepting the truth, what is - the reality. This allows you to be on a different, a healthy path.
Do you have anger issues?
Do you easily get angry?
Do you want to change the other person?
What are your triggers becoming angry?
Do you listen carefully to your anger?
How can you connect to yourself?
How can you be & do better?
》Practice a regular mindset of Zen:
1. Accept the truth, the reality
2. You can only change yourself
3. Contemplate your life's meaning:
4. YOU WERE MADE FOR LOVE
5. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
6. YOU DO HAVE INNER STRENGTH
7. LET GO ...
8. ... of judgement, denial ...
9. ... of unattainable idealism ...
10. ... of your demands ...
11. HOLD TO ...
12. ... assertion ...
13. ... firmness ...
14. ... boundaries ...
15. ESTABLISH YOURSELF as very "other"
16. HUMILITY can be your ultimate
STRENGTH
17. BE SELF AWARE
18. DO CALMING EXERCISES
(Meditation, yoga, walking etc.)
19. LISTEN ... to what anxiety & tension TEACH YOU
20. YOU ARE COMPETENT
Be aware:
> The Narcs anger is not about you
> They have major internal conflicts
> See their pain & turmoil
> Detache "delicate" (not being mean)
> You can't cleanse a toxic person
> You are not held captive by your
experiences
> Do not compete with warring ego's
Reminder:
》The best way to be in control
is quit trying to be so in control
Healthy charactertraits, committed
to stability:
♡ patience ♡ self-restraint ♡
♡ civility ♡ staying decisive ♡
May you consistently experience PEACE🙏
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
I was advised to pray for patience everyday.
my therapist is Gus... 🙋♂
You could do worse!!
I learned so much from Dr C & then implemented this principle by ceasing to respond when it was apparent that baiting me became his game. He actually admitted at the end that he could no longer trigger me! Now I believe this is a strength that I can apply in many other situations… similar to turning the other cheek, it off foots the opponent & he loses his supposed advantage… but I will add that this becomes dangerous when with a covert narc & his cold passive aggression was menacing before he left finally
The one I know takes the opportunity of my showing calm and pleasant demeanor to accuse me of "not caring." "You just look away when I talk to you." I don't look away until he's been talking about himself for an hour, then I might glance around looking to leave. "Are you running away?" There is no winning. No matter what I do. It's like a cat with a mouse, and it's just so annoying. He will sit there and weave his lies, his pretenses, false accounts and his gossip about others. He's a real joy. It's is a marvel to note how lying is so second nature to them. They lie when they don't even need to. I'm so sick of them.
Being with a narcissist, who is a keynote speaker and teaches classes on customer excellence, and says “those who anger you control you” although he rages at me and name calls in the most derogatory way that is beyond abusive, His entire life is contradictory to how he actually functions..superficially . I truly believe that it’s all catching up and the contracts that he does have with all these big companies will begin seeing just how crazy he is. The fact he has not been arrested at the airport for being disruptive is shocking. He constantly calls everyone else maggots and ordinary. He can’t stand in line with other people because they are maggots. 😳
Last I checked, we all bleed the same blood!!!!
It's true 🥰 Doctor Carter 🥰 , about drawing in peace 🕊️ into yourself and being calmer than the narcissistists , the problem is that their shape shifting gives them the mask to be Zen too when they are out to devalue you in public places or with others who turn against you. . . the problem for me with Zen is that I have to watch my back and be very sharp , South Africa is the most dangerous country so you have to be wide awake 🙏
Another great video; it's just sad that "going zen" is not possible in some situations. Our narcissist controlled Mom, and through her controlled the house and everyone in it. For 50 years he was there, plotting, planning and manipulating. Kind relatives would say "perhaps he's just a late bloomer," but Dad, myself and others knew that it was a deeper problem.
When my folks tried ”zen" --- when anyone there or by phone or email said anything against him or ignored him --- he would go into a violent fit and start yelling and stomping and breaking things. If they were grandkids or non-family, he would stay in his room until they left, then come out and erupt. My poor folks even had to call the police a couple of times.
After Dad passed away the narcissist virtually "locked down" the house, making it very unwelcome for visitors. Sadly, Mom put his childish needs and quirks above those of the other kids or grandkids. He would disconnect the telephone for days at a time. When we questioned Mom, she would always say that there's something wrong with the phone and she needs to get a new one. In other words, she would lie to protect him. (She had no computer --- telephoning was the only means of contact for us who lived far away.) He knew we would want to call during the holidays and other special days, so he would make sure the phone "wasn't working" at those times.
I could go on and on, and I'm sorry to; but when I watch these videos I can't help myself recalling all the challenges our narcissist brought to our family, especially my parents, and what would have been applicable and what would not have been, with the very vexing situation of the narcissist having a long-suffering enabler who cooperated with him in all things. The ultimate shocker came during my last visit with Mom, when she actually hinted at the possibility of either myself or my son becoming the next enabler for this selfish narcissist, although we live far away and are busy with our own careers, homes, and family. (!?!) She apparently would have thought it perfectly natural for one or both of us to sacrifice all we have in order to continue in the role of enabler / servant that she played for so long. Amazing... simply amazing!
Due to this, I hope that Dr. Carter will someday provide videos going into the role of "narcissist enabler," their type, thinking, sacrifices, etc. I'm sure there are others like me who would find them very interesting.
Thank you for all you do, Dr. Carter.
"The world owes me!"
I think it was about 2 months back, one day my (NOW-EX!) client stunned me by saying, "Yes, but I'M IMPORTANT!" I can't even remember what was being discussed, but this attitude was so blatent. I surprised even myself by replying... "EVERYONE'S important." He didn't seem to know how to respond to that. I think he changed the subject...
The Zen-Zone is tricky for me when my sister-in-law gets angry, so our strategy is to avoid her ...
Just writing this about my narcissistic sister-in-law triggers me lol. So my sister-in-law is having a very difficult time with the boundary my husband set with her last week: he explained that he needs to take a break and not talk to her for at least one year, due to her habitual need for control of my husband & disrespect toward me. She's very angry over her brother's boundary, and she keeps calling him, and me too. So he decided to block her number to protect his boundary. I blocked her as well. And today (Monday) my husband noticed that his phone shows that she tried calling him 8 times on Sunday!
Even though she's blocked the phone keeps record of attempted calls. What's funny is that we had such a peaceful Sunday yesterday, so I'm glad we didn't notice these calls until today -- would've spoiled my Sunday-Zen lol. Anyway, this particular sister needs therapy which is not a put down because my husband and I are in therapy and it's really helped us! We hope she seeks help since we can't fix whatever is going on with her. She needs to lash out at my husband, and me, because she feels entitled to control his life. It's as if my husband is her property. And my husband's late mother treated him the SAME way, like he's her property too. But our therapist encouraged my husband to set a strong boundary with his sister to help break the unhealthy emotional enmeshment he finds himself in with her. My husband is not emotionally attached to his sister, but she has a very unhealthy attachment to her brother. Very annoying for both of us. This sister needs to focus on her own life and stop being overly involved in ours. Her constant overstepping into our life feels like an invasion of privacy because it is!!! She even wanted to know what we talked about with our therapist! Which is none of her business. What's funny, we're seeing a therapist BECAUSE of her, but she doesn't need to know that. Outside of her over involvement, everything is completely A-OK with us. Were it not for her then we wouldn't be seeing a therapist. But she has turned into her late mother, by needing to control and criticize our every move. So frustrating, because there is nothing to control or correct that requires her assistance. We've been married over 35 years and we don't need, or want, her help. So far, we've managed just fine solving our own challenges in life without her 'help'. My husband's oldest sister is a healthy person and when she calls she's very pleasant and unintrusive. When we get married we can't pick our in-laws, so good boundaries are essential. And because of these boundaries I'm able to remain calm in spite of the apparent turmoil on her end. Her issue, not mine. Not seeing or talking to her is how I remain calm. Strong boundaries like this help me stay in the Zen-Zone.
Serenity now! (From Seinfeld) 🤣 Also I play Sims 4, have a sim of the narcissist. I can be mean to his Sim instead of him, 😈. I've put that Sim through so much!
Sims was a big hit in our house, too. My daughter called it “digital Barbies.”
ZEN + Delicate Detachment are tools to help build my meaningful life❤. We don’t learn this in school,& it doesn’t drop from the sky. 😅
..."it doesn't drop from the sky." 😅😂🤣
Actually, this should be learnt in school!!!
And hopefully this will be teached at school one day 😉
Thank you Dr. Carter, thanks to you l become a master in dealing with" my"narcissist - friend. I am in Zen state most of the time and love it. No one can upset me or get me angry. My narcissist love argue and fight, but doesn't matter what he says ( even calling me names) no reaction from me, just continue doing what I was doing...l can see how much l confuse him and eventually he stops his stupid behavior...l always can predict moment he will start his nonsense behaviour and well prepared ( emotionally) there is no way he can hurt me. Being this way l become stronger than ever.
Gus must be very well-trained in dealing with narcissists. He sure has the Zen thing down.
👋 Dr Carter ☀️
My empathic father had a great sense of humor and loved making other people laugh. The only time my narcissistic mother laughed was when it was at someone else’s expense. Do you have a video that addresses the “narcissistic sense of humor” in depth? Would you like to do one? 🙏 ❤️ ☮️ 🐕 🐈⬛
Yep! Here is a link! th-cam.com/video/gUKODLX1WsQ/w-d-xo.html
Thank you! ❤️ ☮️ 🤗
@SurvivingNarcissism Thank-you for the link ❤
I can relate to this. My brothers wife is like this! She persuaded him not to talk to me anymore. Take care 🙏
Because I found you about 5 years ago, even though I made a wrong move again, I am healing faster....I am on the fast track with DRC❤
In my experience, all the narcissistic family members I know walk into the room angry. There is always a sense of anger on their face and in their demeanor, this is the reason I believe they cannot laugh or encourage anyone. They act and move as though anger dominates everything in them and you are correct, they work to make us angry because misery loves company. The narcissists I know act as though they despise anyone who is happy or joyful, they always DO something to try to remove that joy. When we are calm and unreactive they walk away even more angry, even attempting to influence others in the room against us. Then if that doesn't work they find a reason to have to leave. Its almost funny if it weren't so sad because it is childish, like the child who doesn't like they are losing in the ball game so they take their ball and go home.
Appreciate this so much. I always felt I couldn't have my zen moments because of the darkness of the narcissist. The narcissist tries to destroy those positive moments. If you accept what is and what you can't change and even the suffering none of it is quite as bad when you detach.
This is the best most uplifting video I've seen ina year. ❤
Wow, thank you!
I had trouble with this. Not because I couldn't do it. The narcs are my parents and older sister. There were constant tantrums from them growing up. I as a small child learned early to go zen to survive.
But after decades is became disassociating and caused me long term emotional issues. Now that I'm getting away from these people and their soul sucking behavior I realize this should be for short term survival or only in small short doses with a narc that you don't have a lot of constant contact with.
If you live with the narc or they have financial power over you going zen needs to be used in the short term while you plan your escape. Otherwise you risk being cut off from your own emotions and eventually if you lose the lows long enough you can lose the highs as well.
I stay off the phone and revert to written communications so emotions cant be “read”.
I love the thought of staying in my Zen state.
When I decided to end the disastrous marriage I was warned by my therapist to expect a lot more abuse and anger. “It gets worse before it gets better”. Well it is a lot worse and my grounding techniques aren’t always enough! Any wisdom on that? Thanks, this will be my first live 😊
Be very careful when using these techniques because cold passive aggression can flip in a heart beat. Don’t turn your back on him but remember you’re in a fight for your survival! You will prevail if you can keep one step ahead as he tries to turn the tables & get a reaction from you to your disadvantage ❤️🩹 best of luck to you!
Thanks, and spot on too! I’ve managed to stay slightly ahead so far but he’s doubling down with false accusations, baiting and provocations. I was hoping he’d become so emboldened that he’d make a mistake…
But absolutely, I am aware of treading in very dangerous territory now 😰
Keep your guard up around all his family and flying monkeys too and safe guard your own family. Prayers for you moving on and upward
Thank you dear ladies for your sound advice and warnings! None of his sabotaging attempts will outweigh the freedom and peace that are slowly reappearing after 25 years of fight or flight fog ❤️
In the same boat, with my narc sibling. She's been non stop sending texts to my father about how terrible iam and telling anyone who would listen that I'm horrendous all because I told her I'm cutting contact. It's a long road but have faith that you are right for getting away
Amen to everything that you shared. Zen is everything.
Yep!
Screaming , "Serenity Now! "At the top of your lungs helps.
This is interesting because I was just listening to someone about Zen.. In essence it is about detaching.. Even detaching from ourselves..
Im .a teacher. And there's this way overused story of some starfish that had gotten washed up on the beach and they were basically stuck on the land with no way of getting back to the ocean. One young boy was walking on that beach and picking up a starfish, and throwing it back in. An old man who was witnessing this said,"why are you doing that? There's too many of them to make a difference. But the little boy shouted, as he threw one back into the ocean...it made a difference for that one"
Gus is sooo Zen! He has a great life, I'm sure. Always half off and half on his blanket :)
Hey Team Healthy! I call it the “ gotcha sphere.” Ugh. Your words are so helpful, Dr C. Working with the narc ex’s influence on our three daughters: his Flying Monkeys. 😭❤🙏🏼
I think this is my favorite video of yours so far. I'm dealing with someone who loves to play the Gotcha game. Such a revelation to hear that I don't need to react, I can separate myself from this.
So pleased!
Best way is gray rock or just ignore them completely. They need attention so bad that they’ll come seeking you out! Other ppl will notice their insecurities and insanity.
Wonderfully said! I need to believe in myself. It’s very hard to stay zen when I am criticized daily by my husband. It hurts my feelings. Thanks for your videos.❤
Jennifer, yes, believe in yourself! The criticizm is NOT about you. He hurts your feelings but in fact he is constantly hurting himself. Find your inner strength and keep emotional distance from your husband. Find peace in yourself. Take action within you. You are worth to be loved. Wishing you all the best 🙏💛🙏
@@roxymovie3938 thank you, I’m finding my voice, little by little.❤️
Thank you. Very helpful reminder to disengage and remain non reactive
.Hi from the Pacific Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy Community. Live in Peace. Early one morning when I was feeding my kitty, he began to curse me because he had told me to do something else. While he was screaming I just started saying the Lord's Prayer out real loud and he immediately shut up and walked out of the kitchen. I had no more troubles out of him that day. Thank you Dr. Carter.
😂just a smile and silence makes a hell of difference 🤣🤣💞🌹🙏I observed them revisiting their hurts and licking old wounds in every family gatherings.
Thanks DRC 💞🌹🙏
Dr. Carter, because of your help, i am now seeing a therapist who is great. Who gets it. I owe this to you. Please keep doing what you do. You are changing lives for the better.
It’s so healing for me to hear a sane message in this crazy world we live in from a kind person. Who understands this so well. I want to be this way from now on.
I am in a situation where my adult lads live with me. Eventually, they will leave home. Until then I am usuing my accumulative knowledge learned here and practicing my Zen. I'm still learning Zen and I'm looking forward to seeing the video and the chat with TH family ❤
We are here for you ❤️
@@tbunnyshy1 thank you 🙏❤️
Hopefully your adult lads will leave home sooner than later so that you will have time to rest and find more peace 😊
By the way, I answered you another time on the other channel 😉😁 (My answers can take a while for I am working a lot this month. Tonight another night shift.)
❤🤗
@roxymovie3938 I know! TH-cam can be a little slow sometimes, but we get the messages eventually. And, I am very grateful for my TH pals 🤗
Also, I used that coconut oil tip you gave me. So far, so good 👍 I got talking to another lady in the health shop who also recommended it! Nice one 👍 You take care of yourself. 🙏💕🫂
@@amandaliverpool3374 Amanda, well, great that you used the coconut oil 😊 and that also another woman in the health shop recommended it to you, is also a good one, isn't it 😉? I do hope that your body will at least get a bit balanced now and that your broken tooth soon will get out of your body. (Although as long as he is also inflamed, they can't pull him out. First the infection must be healed.)
Fine to hear from my ✍ pal on TH 💟 Actually I had lots of penfriends, started at my teenage years and went on till some today, most of them I met in real life. I have always liked writing for you can connect on an other level and it can also keep your mind clear.
Wishing you all the best with many regards from the 🌠 🌠 to you 🫂💗
I have moved into my own apartment but I’m constantly needing my husband to pay my car insurance, light bill, etc. He’s real nice (I won’t let you go without.❤) until he freaks out, points out that I can’t live without him because I’m poor, and begins calling me names I can’t repeat. He literally tells me he loves me, to which I don’t answer, and then ghosts me for weeks. It’s a roller coaster. I just want to move to Seattle, Thailand, or France!
I make it a point to remind myself each day that, regardless of how I feel about that dysfunctional relationship, I want to be kind, loving and value the good people in my life. I wish things were different in my relationship with them, but until they get help for their anger, I choose not to be in that relationship. I grieve the loss, but I'd rather love with honesty.
I cannot help but love my narcissistic father and want to do everything in my power to make him happy, I know that is how he conditioned me and that it’s probably not pure love but guilt and fear of being left alone, I am 22 and feel like a child when I’m around him, I have never gotten anything without feeling like I owe him for it. Of course he always makes sure to say it’s because he loves me and I do not owe him, but as soon as I do something he does not like he lists all of the things he has done for me and tells me I am ungrateful… every time we have an argument he treats me like a princess the next day and I feel so weird about it now, I always thought it was because he thought about his actions and actually reflected on them during the night, and was trying his best to make it up to me or CHANGE… but now I’m having a really eerie feeling that he is only doing this to make me forget what he did and get me back on his good side… the thought of him planning and calculating this behavior to get me to obey him, because I respond to apologies since I am a very sensitive and forgiving person, makes me want to throw up, I really need someone to validate this stuff… I know i need a therapist but for now anyone’s opinion who understands is welcome 😣💔
Purple is good. I struggle with staying calm. My pup helps me. Paw patrol is best thing I ever did. Sanity and safety wrapped up in one fur ball
Luckily for me, my narcissist was a friend i could ultimately escape from.
When she threw a 2 year old tantrum at the airport in front of staff, you can bet i stayed zen, because i thought this woman is clearly unhinged and has no limits.
If my stuff wasn't stored at her house, i might have taken a different path.
Ironically, she'd had me convinced she was an upmarket English lady - and there she was bellowing, stamping her feet, clenched fists and red puffed cheeks!
Delicate detachment sounds perfect.
After being diagnosed wit C-PTSD, my doctor upped my antidepressant medication and threw in a little occasional Zanax to help me get well. I’ve now acclimated myself to a non reactive status without the Zanax as I’ve learned how Zen feels. Thank you for this excellent video 🙏💕
Thanks for sharing your experience!
This is exactly what my goal has been or what I have been trying to attain in my life. And turning 60 today, I really needed to see this video confirming that what I am doing is right and that I am moving in the right direction. I get angry at myself when I sometimes 'bite the bait', but then I quickly 'pull back' and just 'accept' the situation as it is. I have learned so much from you, Dr. C, and the feeling of having you in my corner in my healing is a true blessing for me. I want to always stay in the Zen mode. Namaste...🙏💝
God bless you!!! This was one of my favorites!!! Delicate detachment. Love that.
Thank you Dr.C , let joy and happiness over flow from your heart.🙏
Thank you, Fred!