Two years ago when I was on my ‘recovery journey’ I watched not hours, not days, not weeks but months of you tube narcissism videos trying to understand and come to terms with what had happened to me. Richard you’ve said it all in this one hour truth bomb. Thank you. Hopefully other people will be spared the interminable soul searching.
Part of the problem, IMHO, is that there are so many YT videos on "narcissism" that lack the greater complexity and nuance of the wide spectrum of every human having their own narcissism to deal with VS full-blown diagnosed NPD. "Narcissist" is thrown around in videos so vaguely and generally, without nuance, that viewers then comment about how their Exes and whoever else are "narcissists". It's on the level of going around and calling every human "fallible". Yes, and? I watched plenty of YT videos myself on the subject, yet IIRC only one creator ( Surviving Narcissism channel...maybe Richard has as well, I don't recall it in any videos of his I've viewed ) made the specific point that not all we think are "narcissists" are, rather, there is a spectrum of proportionality, then there are those who are on the level of NPD. General videos are good for clicks and those newly on to the scene for healing, but for others like myself I don't want to believe that anyone who manifests a narcissistic action are the devil, dangerous, and/or someone to go No Contact. Until deeper patterns and traits are in sync to a greater degree, more nuance is necessary in dealing with the complexity of our shared humanity.
Richard did this for me back in 2014 but I still listen for his insight and guidance and it's very fulfilling to understand how we can overcome, some of the pain and suffering of being in a relationship with a Narcissist. I also watch some of his older videos which are worth watching but obviously they have evolved.
Yes I remember Richard b4 your second realashionip with a 2nd narccist girlfriend.. Your helping others thank you. Been watching you for years now unfortunately lol.. I'm getting the mssg now. Read the book the four agreements as well and learning about myself as well.. 🙂 Huge hugs.. Liverpool guy.. My sons also helped me a lot with phylosophy and Ekheart Tolle. Namaste 🙏
If those who did this damage to us would watch videos on this subject in order to heal themselves or somewhat regulate themselves, the world would be a better place. Many lives could be saved.
I am in my 60’s, raised by narcissistic parents, according to the psychiatrist I was being treated by in my 20s. After months and months of therapy, delving into my background, digging up and rehashing all the trauma. He told me I was not in fact “crazy” as I had been told my entire life by my parents, but that, I was, in fact, raised by two narcissist. That was the beginning of a long journey for me.. I have recently managed myself from the last of many narcissistic “ friendships.“ Yes, please don’t give your life for these people. You cannot fix them. . Work on fixing the one that matters. That’s the one who is watching this video right now. Become your own advocate, gift yourself. You have always been giving others. That is your love and approval you are giving to others who will never appreciate it. You matter.
You said it perfectly… it doesn’t matter if they have a clinical diagnosis or just an attribute.. if it’s making you unwell, unsafe, uncomfortable- it’s not heathy! This kind of relationship needs no metric… it’s toxic. If you feel something is off- it IS! You have permission to exit the equation. Do it now! Save your soul!
Problem is with trauma - everything will make us unwell and unsafe and uncomfortable. And then anyone will be toxic. Everything will feel off. And that is the problem - because CBT will explain us that we are hallucinating and we should endure toxic people. Then we end up with fawning and people pleasing in order to survive corruption. I would agree that we need to cut toxic people, however as Richard Grannon is talking in this video - when we do not have ability to make decisions based on calm mind - because we are in survival mode all the time, in hypervigilance - we will end up with avoiding everybody. I see solution in education about what is dysregulation and complex trauma and BPD Splitting - where we label anything that moves as either toxic or as savior. Yet another thing is to realize that due to trauma - we will feel automatic urge to fix other people and we will feel responsible for them being angry - that we come to terms with fact - if someone is angry all the time - then yes - we need to cut contact as soon as possible as our finances and circumstances allow us.
@@kfg7248 Not quite. Sometimes we are might make errors due to wrong advice, wrong misdiagnosis, wrong instructions - and any person who pinpoints our mistakes will appear as rude, unsafe, unwell and uncomfortable. Other word is Cognitive Dissonance. Then - if we do not learn from our mistakes, we will continue doing them, just because we cut off and silence and censor people who warn and alarm and alert us of our mistakes which do not appear as mistakes to us from our standpoint.
The question to ask yourself is do I feel good when I am.around them, do they drain my energy, do they hurt my heart, do they inflict pain, do they cause confusion, do they generate chaos, are they unkind. Do I spend most of my time sad, confused, exhausted, second guessing myself questioning my sanity and my worth. if the answer is yes get away from them and never ever look back.
Kinda feels like you will leave and get hurt somewhere else until you master a "Dr. Strange" soul out of body observation. A place to observe without suseptability to your environment.
Do they ignore me consistently? Do they make excuses for ignoring and say sorry a lot for stupid shit? Are you always less important, always the bane to blame? Yes, get away... they are a golden child
I think the reason we ask if it's narcissistic or not, is because they shift all blame on us and it messes with our perception on what going on around us.
Wow you went off on a rocket here against psychiatry. A language of understanding human mental pathology and the lecture had an attitude of superiority itself. I'm psychologically trained but I guarantee that when my narcissist hit me in the head with a baseball bat. I was not thinking narcissism. I was thinking swimming cards crochet pets when I should of been thinking is my manager a safe person to be around. It was after yes it's abuse and yes it's chronic and everything about her says narcissist as defined by the world Don't discourage lay people from learning personality info or create suspiciousnesd of mental health people. It doesn't help anyone's mental health. Your at a high standard of care here so I'm critiquing your opinions. Your theories are accurate but you don't encourage more learning. You cater to lazy labelers. Push mental health education without attacking psychiatry
@@bonnieromick9397 Wow, as a lay person, I got exactly the opposite message from this video. It's not about the label you put on it, it's about the effect that it is having on you caused quite simply by their behaviour. I didn't hear a word of discouragement to stop learning about this. I did hear a lot of guidance. I wasn't trying to label my ex as a narc, I already knew it. There's nothing however I can do about it except leave, which I did.
@@MKA63I do need the label because I have kids involved. If it’s was something else then I would have hope for therapy with him and them. Since it’s NPD, I know it’s pointless and I now know how to handle the situation. Sometimes you need to know.
My mother said it best for me; if you are feeling threatened, leave. If your feeling suspicious, you have a reason. She said some people need to be told LEAVE. It doesn't matter figuring it out. Get away from them, work on yourself, focus on you. Heal, be healthier. Give up on them, never give up on you! Semper Fi yourself...
@@joeya289 Now, I am, but working on a relationship but ultimately decided by what was going on (details), that it was not rught so we are not together as we were. I nedd to heal. This will take time, I was honest and my life is my proverbial kingdom to rule. I choose to do so as wisely as possible and a repeat of my past is obviously not a desirable outcome. If you have been in a relationship where narcissistic ppl ruled, long term. You have been brainwashed and may repeat your pattern that is not an option so, for now, I choose to focus on my healing.
7 weeks for me. I was miserable as sin, I'd lost all love for him. Thirty years wasted and our son in therapy but we'll get there. The house is a hell of alot calmer now he's gone
A blind woman prefers me to her trained therapist. I was in an abusive relationship when she chose me to help her. Strangely, I’m just now waking up to what I was really inside of. It took a kick to the face and him saying the devil is trying to use him to kill me. There’s much more but I know there’s something wrong with me because after all that I still love him. But I do have a restraining order and I just call the crisis line once or twice a day.
My X charmed the psychologist we went to see by talking about similar vacations they took to the same city. He hijacked our therapy session and left me feeling devastated that he made a joke of our counseling session by thinking he was smarter by manipulating the counselor. When I got upset in the parking lot as we left, he laughed and said, "Oh stop worrying we are fine." I was devastated and stayed for years to come! I have been narc free for a year and now can see my own involvement in my own suffering in this relationship now that the fog has cleared.
Hey, been there. You can't fix what you can't identify. And he kept you spinning with no respect. Good for you, you've left! But do not for a minute blame yourself. That's their whole game.
It's important to know, because during being gaslit you are convinced everything is wrong with you, and it serves as a form of validation to know that you weren't the crazy one.
If they make you unhappy and doubt yourself , you don’t need ANYONES validation , it’s you who is on the receiving end and decide to leave or stay for more ,
Not all narcissists are "abusive" in the traditional sense of the word. As a fact, many narcissists have discovered early on that being abusive is less likely to get what they want. Rather, they enjoy the game, the manipulation..anything to get what they want. Narcissists learned young they only got certain rewards for doing certain things...and that continues. If abuse works, they do that. If not, they don't.
So what do you find the traditional sense of the word ‘abuse’ to be? Why don’t you substitute’ exploitative’ instead? It gets more succinctly to the core of what makes their behavior ‘ abusive’
@@EllaCinder-lh4roif your closest to the narcissist you will be abused in all ways the narcissist sees fit. Any reaction will do to satisfy the narcissist. Best to RUN from the abuse and don’t look back. Stay strong💪💕
Bravo!! Save your life by honoring your own needs. I wasted 30 years in a marriage characterized by growing abuse from my partner. My childhood had been much the same. I didn’t land on a helpful question until I was 53 years old: “Am I willing to absorb this increasing pain any longer?” I only learned the terms gaslighting and narcissism about a month before I left. But the totally-enslaving questions I used to ask myself for those three decades were “Why is he so weird?” and “Why am I so miserable, though he and everyone else tell me how lucky I am?” Save your life. You are qualified to determine if you are miserable without approval from anyone else. Your feelings are valid. They are not “too sensitive.”
It hits home when most of your life has been led by a code of never leaving a person behind. It makes you feel like your very nature is disloyal or self-serving. But you have to let it go just as a basis for self-preservation.
Do you get tired of all these THANK YOU posts? I hope not because there are not enough thank-yous in the world to show the gratitude I have for the content you post. I hate to be so dramatic and say you saved my life but pretty darn close to it. I was being internally and emotionally destroyed by a family member I could not get away from because it would have hurt someone else if I did. How awful a situation is that?! But now, the person I was protecting has passed away and I can finally free myself. I have no family now but that is better than living the way I was living. You help reinforce my decisions while also giving me the understanding that what I am doing is totally OK. I chose me because they are never going to. Abuse-yes, pattern-yes, continuing after asking them to stop-yes yes yes. And so I am gone. Sending you healing vibes and so much gratitude.
I dissociated as a child, repressing what horrors that I witnessed and experienced. There were so many times in a long marriage that I came back, hoping not to wake up and keep going. What has been intriguing, is learning about how some " normal" people came to the decision to end it. One person that I know, heard her partner say something that she knew she could not overcome, and ended it. Another experienced, outright selfishness and callousness, and knew that they would never be the same. Clean endings, may be more to do with the self respect that we need to build. However, there are many factors that can keep a person stuck. I admire such people, who have such a high level of self respect.
I feel amazement when I hear about people ending a marriage because they aren't happy or compatible. I'm incredulous at that level of self preservation. I'm like, "He wasn't abusive? He has a job? No drug problem? Didn't cheat?" 🤯
Narcissistic & toxic ppl can say some of the most wicked and evil things that can decimate a person beyond repair. Few know how to guard their minds from it.
Dear Richard You didn't waste your time because of 2 Reasons: 1. You had to go through this to learn and help lots of people like me. 2. Times as our Mind thinks, doesn't exist. It's always Now!! This Understanding helped me to survive a narcissistic Relashionship (or maybe he wasn't) and finally found my we home and went through a second one just one month after "awakening" to learn that narcissistic Persons realy exist . That I am ok (at least my cognitive skills😂😂) I went to scan my brain, went to psychiatrist etc..... And I hope I can stay aware now. I wasn't really awake I think or maybe I was. At least It didn't hurt that much second time and I always found Peace over all when I remembered Home and who I really am!! ❤
Don't sell yourself short..I had no idea what train had run over me and I was circling the drain when I found your videos working in the lab alone at night many years back. It saved me to understand..can't break a trauma bond if you have no idea it exists! You and Sam helped me move on. Thank u
Thank you Richard 😊 I’ve been to a point where I don’t care about diagnosis, but this explains really well and now I know without a doubt what I’m dealing with.
You make good points. Why does it matter to me? Because if it's narcissism it means I didn't fail. It shouldn't matter, the abuse should be enough. I am being abused, the behavior isn't new, I asked many times for that abuse to stop, it hasn't stopped. If I was emotionally healthy that would be all I need to walk away.
Okay, I had to stop this video at minute 18… First, thank you Richard for providing videos to help educate people on narcissism. Those of us who were dumped or abandoned by narcissists STILL need validation to move on. It was through educating myself about narcissism that helped RELIEVE the pain in my heart even though my logical sense knew something was very, very wrong. Education is like a PAIN reliever like aspirin because the heartache from separating from the narcissist is sharp and painful. You know this, Richard!!!!
do some inner child work to find out why you were/are attracted to these kind of people - you will also find you true self and and you will be able to reactivate your self-worth ❤
Finding out what had happened to me was one big step. But the next and most important big step was understanding why I got there in the first place. Healing my own codependency was essential for me to grow in the confines of a very healthy relationship and allow myself to be vulnerable, and not feel victimized. I believe my ex is still a narcissist. But I’m no longer codependent. The latter has much more of an impact on my life and my future moving forward. It’s like, understanding that my ex was a narcissist just opened the door for me to look at myself. But it really was in looking at myself that I was able to change myself for the better. I would never be compatible with a narcissist now.
I should also say, that it was a very difficult step to move from focusing on understanding his narcissism to focusing on my own codependency. It wasn’t easy and I wanted to cling to blaming him for being the bad one. I had to let go of feeling like one was bad and one was good, and just moving towards an understanding of what is, without judgement or blame, but with clear understanding. It was very painful. But it was so necessary to get through that stage so that I could really feel better, and to let go of the anger and hurt burrows deep down in myself. I don’t miss that anger.
@@maryfarrell9439 Thank you thank you for sharing your process. It has anchored my choice to commit to finally the next step to move from the stage of hurt and anger , and continue my focus on my personal recovery on how I got there in the first place. Gratitude. You made a difference. 🙏
Listen this is an old time saying, "if you have to ask the question then you already know the answer" i never understood that quote until i got older, which is absolutely true!!! Stop fighting yourself for someone you love! Yes it is sad but it will never work especially if what you do and want to do is never respected!
This is it.... In my opinion, this is it. Finally having permission. (7:50 to 8:42) At least an equation for quick analysis! I could never get permission to "be done". I remember asking friends and family hypothetical questions or questions that were subtle and non accusatory. I could never get anything other than the sticky return of "compassion"..... This is exactly the definition I finally figured out. I was actually using the word "compassion" in my mind to keep allowing the dysfunctional living to continue! It was a one/ two. This was HUGE 22:35 to 25:01 Richard, I very seriously have to thank you for your description/ list of the five/ six. I've heard others describe, and I have come up with "compassionate" reasons why my mother would not have been in that category and I was "probably just overreacting".... But in truth, by revealing these five/ six aspects, you entirely, without a doubt, absolutely described my mother....(now I can move to my next step...) Thank you...
I feel like that too, like I need permission. Weird. Also, I want to be done but his name keeps coming up in snapchat and I feel jealous ND this isn't even a sexual relationship.
My father was a narcissist, my stepmother (of 60 years) is definitely a narcissist and I now believe my daughter’s husband is a narcissist and I just turned him in for abusing my 4 year-old grandson. All hell is breaking loose. It’s overwhelming but I’m grateful for your truth spoken to help navigate through all this.
Another good rant from Richard. If I hadn’t already left my person, this would have done it… it doesn’t matter if it’s narcissism or not - is the relationship unhealthy and not improving? Key questions we can all ask ourselves
I just significantly distanced myself and children (while my husband is deployed) from a verbally abusive family member on my husbands side. I have spent the last week agonizing and wondering if I should feel guilt for not being more tolerant (it’s been 16 years now). Once you said “abusive, consistent, previously communicated?” A tremendous weight was lifted. You are helping so many. I am ready to heal from my own childhood trauma and I’m tired of feeling bad for cutting out the weeds in my life.
Perfectly said. Yourself will tell you if that what you're in is not right. For you. If you are constantly ill and depressed, angry, ect confused with this person, there is something wrong. Go get help for yourself. It doesn't matter if they are or not. You know what you experience with that person and it's damaging you and you need to pay attention to yourself and care for your health and mental state.
Richard you are the best comic relief for such a topic that severely needs comic relief!! Thank you for always bringing a sense of humor to humanity it's so essential!! Also I adore the accents you give the various entities it's wonderful! Please don't stop doing what you do, with such jois de vie❤ couldn't get through this without you!
This is such a helpful video Richard. Always right on time for me! After watching the first part for a second time, I started thinking about my own experience....I think wanting to know so bad also stems from our reality being so fucked with. They are so good at being so good a lot of the time, that when they do their crazy shit it's almost like wait, did that really happen? It's so far out, and such a switch, it's insane. And then to switch again and go back to the nice guy, absolute crazy making. So if they can be labeled as a narcissist, well then that makes reality set in, something that we all don't want to accept. It's a matter of acceptance and denial. And because the narcissist switches back and forth, it's hard to accept either one, because it's insanity. I have no idea why this isn't called delusional psychopathic split personality disorder.
I so needed to hear this! I’ve been struggling for years on whether or not I should leave. Trying to ‘diagnose’ him, understand him, fix him, fix myself. I can finally be done.
The dupers delight grin when or if they see you flinch when they know they have hurt you ..they will watch you for a reaction to their shit behaviour and grin if you do …it’s disgusting now that I recognize it and know what the hell that is. Thank you for your time and thoughts Richard 💪🔥❤️☯️🖖🦋
You're completely correct. It doesn't matter if my ex fits the diagnostic criteria, he still abused me and made me unhappy, so I left. Gotta say, it did help me immensely to learn about narcissism. Seeing him as this seriously mentally ill person who doesn't care and will not change just because I put in what I thought were love and compassion really helped to get over my sense of guilt and my helper syndrome. I was able to step back and observe, test my hypothesis. And for the first time I was able to predict his behavior. It took months of research and therapy for me to understand that what he did was abuse. In hindsight the self-gaslighting was insane.
35 yrs married to an alcoholic. A roller coaster life thats just getting worse. Many hours of counselling, self help books. Since I’ve been listening to your videos I’ve seen the light. So much makes sense. I’ve been so brainwashed… Been thinking lately that I’m narcissistic. Now I understand why!!!! I can’t live like this anymore. Thank you so much for helping me see through all this BS.
You helped me understand and get on with my life like 5 years ago and watching you still never gets old. You've gotten better like fine wine. I still pester Brand to interview you.
That would be something. Especially in the wider world context, if Richard subscribes to Sam Vaknin's 'epidemic of cultural narcissism' idea, or has his own take on it.
Wow. Thank you. I've learned how much sometimes we just need to hear the truth stated simply and outside of our inner, overwhelming emotions and racing thoughts. 💖🙏💖
I relate. Especially about the abuse and asking him to stop and hadn't. So yes, I'm certainly co-dependent and need to get out while I have a chance. It's exhausting.
Oh my gosh, you have articulated this perfectly ....you will probably trigger a lot of negative responses but totally worth it! Thank you brother for your wisdom.....you helped me and my children recover from narcissistic abuse and helped me to see where I was allowing this behaviour through my faulty compassion button 💜🙏💚
Bom dia Richard, I listened to you last night and was acknowledging your pain of remembering how strange a feeling you had via someone else's awareness. The scare was the lack, and every time trauma happens the lack is the void you feel that you are not self, safe or able to regulate until the void is filled. Self has to do that. What I think you partner at that time experienced was awareness. It was the topic on screen that showed her her shadow, as in the lack of awareness that got mirrored to her and she suddenly had a sonder experience and it started with you. It sounded like from your description that it was a huge 'take' because you were in a strange place too, and were not able to share her observations due to the content of your needs, but really, it was exactly what you needed to find your own shadow, as you were people pleasing. Call it love, but she knew her needs were being met and she was free from her trauma. It really sounds beautiful in many ways. Thank you for sharing the holes in your reality, we all have them.
This was a great clarification I think many will benefit from this.. thank you. I lost a good many years of my life also weighing that question.. if I was the 'bad person' to 'give up' (as i was gaslighted to believe) and wasted endless energy and precious time on.. even now, after that chapter is over for me, I appreciate your insights and clarifications to keep my wits sharp 😊
Oh I love that you brought up Renfield. I saw it for the first time when I was waking up from Narc abuse by mother, and I related so hard to him....If you are a person like me in middle age has been abused and has CPTSD please be aware that you need therapy. Not only are you wasting your life, there is a very real chance you will turn into an abuser yourself. If you tell me that isn't possible you would never let that happen, I can tell you I was the same. The thing that scared me into therapy was hearing things that my mother said to me coming out of my own mouth talking to my son. If you are a parent or are in a relationship PLEASE PLEASE get to therapy. I'm begging you.
I too am a psych major and I love how you point out the sanctimonious/religious status that psychology is given by the masses without them realizing it. The Celestial serpent of Hinduism came into psych heavily via Jung. The very word “ego” comes from Hinduism. This is literally religious tenants posing as science.
Man, the hardest part is accepting. I've finally, FINALLY disconnected (still have to co-parent). I've watched so many of yours and Sam's stuff, it was enough to get me moving. But now I am re-watching I remember having soooooooooooooo much self doubt, sooooooo much self doubt. I'm here literally just months later.. and it is clear as day.
I experienced the regular verbal and emotional abuse, but never asked him to stop. He made me think that everything was my fault, and i always tried to change myself because i felt that i was in the wrong. He did this to my kids as well. I only realized in the last two years of my marriage that it was NPD because of social media. In particular youtube videos from Richard. I left after seeing a psychologist and we both went to "marriage therapy", where the therapist caught on very quickly. She was very glad when i decided to leave him as she saw some aggressive behaviour from him during the sessions. Luckily he was never physically abusive, but then he was a small man. And I'm relatively strong for a woman. This is a great video, it doesn't leave one with any doubts.
You do great work Richard! Thanks for your massive contribution to the community! I have listened to Sam also about how everyone is the narcissists “mother.” It helped immensely to understand the “system.”
I needed to hear this today ♥️. You explain so well the workings of the codependent mind to gaslight oneself, rationalise bad behaviour away and the drive to be compassionate in a situation where it's not appropriate. The simplicity of was there bad behaviour ? Is there a consistent repeated pattern of bad behaviour? do they continue the behaviour even after you asked them not to do it ? It's ok to leave and choose yourself. I too have wasted many years of my life and so want to stop. Thank you.
Narcissists are delusional and get satisfaction from being sadistic when they're around loved ones because of their fake persona but when alone they're suffering because they're going back and forth due to dissonance. I'm experiencing it as well due to trauma bonding! Thank you it all makes sense and very empowering to feel part of a community being advised by you. On the other hand, I enjoy your hilarious accents and impersonations.
Correct. The only person's emotions I'm responsible to fix and recover, are mine. I can suggest to people how I got out and began to heal, and point them in the right direction, but that's it, no more. Thanks dude.
Best advice ever! I’ve been living with 17 years of abuse…..today…he was reasonable, calm and agreeable. I started to question…is he a narcissist? It doesn’t matter! All that matters is..I don’t have to suffer his abuse any longer. We are going to live in the same house separately until our 14 year old is through school. On this day…he seems more than cooperative about this arrangement. Dare I say?….more to be revealed?
It is crazy, seeing you now. I saw you first time many years ago, now backtracked to you few narcissistic relationships later, your growth is amazing, your videos got so much better, yet you didnt change at all in some comforting way. I love this about people, how they change a lot, but not at the same time. Hopefully finding you again can help now after past few years sh*t show of my life :] To act like how I am supposed to and desperately look for answers, I hate how everything fits, by your definitions, but towards end you said *if it is NPD, they wont feel remorse* - he does. I know he does. But everything else fits, so like, you know.. I am where I started haha.. I love you and your videos. Wish there was more people like you trying to help others. Much love and happy days.
Brilliant brilliant brilliant Thank you so much. You have a special language in your videos that reach my brain and my heart!!! So good to have found you during recovery!!
It really doesn’t matter, with what they diagnosed at the end. What really matters is how this person makes you feel. Sometimes people who are not god with understanding their emotions, misinterpret fear with excitement. It took me years and more than one abusive relationship to get there. I really hope that in the future, I have the courage to set boundaries and say no. Everything else is manipulation. And not love. Great video and inside. Thank you
There are no words. THANKYOU FOR DOING THIS IN THIS WAY! I TOOK A DEEP BREATH JUST AS I PICKED THIS. YOUR DEEP BREATH, MADE ME STAY. I knew you got it, for sure. THANKYOU
You have absolutely pinpointed and answered key questions for me. He is without a doubt a major narc. I already knew it but now I'm absolutely confident in this fact. Thank you
I’m in tears. As an empathic, you’ve saved me from beating myself up or feeling guilty over walking away from or staying away from people with who consistently chose to be abusive despite me telling them, “ please do that it makes me feel…”I needed to hear this. Thank you soooo much.
Thank you,Richard,I really needed to hear this. I am on,off,all the time. Is he,or is he not,yes,no,yes.. I know he has a bad mother,so that explains a lot, pitty him.. I have tried several years now,even gone to a therapist. With no resaults. Its strange and horrible that it is so difficult to take a decition. Even the inner you knows what you have to do🙏 Love from Norway💜
I’ve spent longer trying to heal and understand the whole situ and narcissism than I spent in the relationship but it’s good because it still teaches me how to understand my own co dependence and my shadow that has allowed me to choose such unhealthy relationships.
OMG Richard again !!! You've hit that sweet spot❤ YES YES and YES, THANKYOU !!! 😂 .......Is it possible that they're just having a bloody good time, enjoying the chaos, the drama, the manipulation, and the sheer boundry-less exploitation???? THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS : YES, THEY UNAPOLOGETICALLY ARE!!! This was the most painfully shocking, rapid, yet very simple, undeniable, in-your/my- face concept and subsequent conclusion to come to terms with. Why? .... because it's the TRUTH, and the truth sets you free! No diagnoatical tool needed, just a big deep dive into our ocean, where the answers await us, for the realisatoon, acceptance, and alchemisation of our core beliefs, making space for the love and light to enter for ourselves and others once again. 💫💫💫 Much love ❤️ 💛 💙
So grateful for you Richard. Your work is amazing. And once again, right on time. Sometimes when life gets really stormy, your voice and content are the only thing that's soothing to my psyche. Logic my friend. I need logic in my life. Thank you for all you do.
I love your delivery on your videos. The black and white answers and explanations I appreciate the most. The message in this particular video is the best to date. Abuse is abuse. End of story. People need to learn to get out of it and stop looking for an excuse or justification as to why it is there. Thank you for the time and energy that you put into your work!
Perfection..., perfection.. recovering people pleasing.... you saying that the person who has "compassion" also thinks their compassion is special...it's so turn. I feel I'm the only one who can "love' them into being a good person.❤ I can't.I'm not special.that the narcissism.
Just watching this for the first time and only 2 1/2 weeks out of a 7 year situation - my having put various barriers in along the way, so a long time coming to an end, yet still a significant grief (his wanting to see someone else in the end was my cue to remove myself totally, to protect myself). Referring to the 'you can leave/if you've told them and they don't stop you can stop trying' bit. He managed to 'get in first' with that; give me a list of things I did/needed to do/not do in order not to evoke his wrath/abusive behaviours. If - when - it happened, sporadically but often (and often alcohol related) - he would say it's because I'd 'done the thing' again. Stuff I sometimes 'didn't know I was doing but would wind him up'. Made it seem he was the compassionate one for not walking away. I was NEVER abusive. It was extreme gaslighting. Mentally I stayed sharp - as sharp as I could - but my brain would often feel mashed up.
This was by far the most helpful self check I have heard in a very long time. You really have a way of giving us a well-needed smack in the head and wake the f up speech. Very well said!
Thank you so much for this Richard! The term narcissist is thrown around so frequently that it is becoming progressively more difficult to accurately identify narcissistic traits. Breaking it down to the much older and simpler terms makes it so much clearer. Thank you.
Thank you for your message. Very true. We all need to create boundaries of who and how we can help others, whether personally or lwith our work. Thx you.
Thank you for this Mr. Grannon. VERY GOOD STUFF. Very right about compassion stuck on the "on button" is broken-is a mental illness. And very good observations about our society being psychologized, and the resultant negative aspects on people and society. There is certainly something to be said about keeping it simple.
I’ve been listening to these videos for years and now I think it’s safe to leave … he is out of town working and he can’t stop me. That’s the key… just be safe and leave when it’s safe. I still do t know what to say so he won’t stalk and harass and slander me but at this point I just need to leave and figure the rest out later … this is tough but painful endings can lead to nice and healthy beginnings. I have hope and some how heating you give me permission to give up is really encouraging to me!!! Thank you!! I need this message!!
All I can say is thank you Rich, your words resonated and made me laugh. I am grateful because in so many ways these lessons helped save my life . . . Or at the very least, my soul.
Well, someone got you all wound up, before you hit the record button, Richard. This is your best video yet. You can retire now. There is nothing more to say than what you've said here. Good one! Cheers!
Thankyou. 8yrs ,finally 2 months no contact. Hard as hell but my head and heart finally alligned. Had to leave the country to break the cycle carefully cause EVERY time I tried to get him out my house he'd smash it up and lock me in . It's lovely now to be able to have some peace and quiet ,it was expensive on my health and finances but will be worth it I know. He's already on the new supply(but desperate to keep me lol) even though was sending me pics of himself with rope around his neck because I told him I'm going no contact. Usual tricks . Thankyou for your videos
Thanks once again, you helped me come full circle with alot of the self therapy ive had to work through, have yet to be able to find a therapist that is in my area in denmark that knows about this works with this and has room, seems a very new topic to danes, but then i think the knowledge of all that happens during narcissistic abuse and how cptsd codependency and everything hangs together is rather a newish discovery, Therapists do seem to agree it exists, but how to truly pull oneself out of it and helping to do that is not an easy topic and hard to find help for here it seems. Also truly appreciate your book, was finally able to purchase it last month(pennyless git here :P)
thankyou Richard, those 15yrs not wasted man. ive spent the 5yrs in the relationship and 4 additional months post breakup asking myself these questions. Obviously bringing me to your channel and numerous others. Im completely engulfed in it. Consumed and exhausted. I feel obsessed at times and i dont wanna live out my life at 43 in a state of neurosis trying to understand it all. Im gonna give up on trying to understand the person who gave up on me, for whatever reason. I'm gonna try to start living my best life. No shame in that. Like she said "its time for me to be selfish" 🤦♂️ Best of luck to you sir and wish me luck as well!
Can you talk about the struggle with guilt after the fact too? The battle with this question lasts years after the relationship for some people and this video (admittedly I'm only 10 minutes in) is a wonderful way to bluntly call everyone out for exactly what they're doing to themselves by engaging in this inability to JUST LET GO.
Richard I so respect what you do and I have been helped tremendously by your videos over the years. So first off, THANK You. I grew up with a narcissistic father and I have subsequently had a diabolical narcissistic boss, and I find that I often attract them when dating so I have remained single for many years. I thought I was healed and then my fiance came along and embodied everything that I've always wanted in a man. There weren't a lot of red flags in the beginning of that relationship that were not easily explainable, and he did not seem abusive at the beginning. Even at the end, it was such subtle gaslighting that I was questioning my own sanity and I became sick. I'm very familiar with all of the terms and behaviors surrounding narcissism, and I didn't see much. But in the end, he was a very covert and diabolical. Unlike my vulnerable narc Dad, and my classic arrogant grandiose boss. He has even suckered in my little sister. 2 days after we broke up.... and she's not a trashy person. Just a vulnerable unhealed one. I'm now dating someone else and I feel much more healed and have work through a lot of my trauma and realize that I was swallowing a fantasy and being unrealistic about what behaviors I would accept and the crumbs that I would willingly settle for. That being said, I never never want to go through that kind of pain again and anytime I see a slightly narcissistic behavior or even a misunderstanding, I get triggered and feel anxiety. I'm working through this, but I want to tell you that that is probably one of the main reasons that people want to determine whether someone is a narcissist. It's not only so they can decide whether to leave, and it's not only because they're trying to determine if they're the crazy one. Sometimes it's because they're trying to protect themselves from another broken heart. Very covert narcissists don't have a lot of red flags in the beginning other than love bombing, which many normal men do in the beginning of new relationships. Anyway I thought I would point that out because I realized what you're saying about not needing a diagnosis to leave an abusive situation. But it's in those instances where it's not yet abusive that is scary for those of us who have been in it before. We are seeking reassurance of some type not to give up on what could potentially be an ACTUAL good person. I have realized that the converse is also true. If they're not being abusive, there's no reason to leave. But it doesn't mean I'm not scared s*******.
Two years ago when I was on my ‘recovery journey’ I watched not hours, not days, not weeks but months of you tube narcissism videos trying to understand and come to terms with what had happened to me. Richard you’ve said it all in this one hour truth bomb. Thank you. Hopefully other people will be spared the interminable soul searching.
Part of the problem, IMHO, is that there are so many YT videos on "narcissism" that lack the greater complexity and nuance of the wide spectrum of every human having their own narcissism to deal with VS full-blown diagnosed NPD. "Narcissist" is thrown around in videos so vaguely and generally, without nuance, that viewers then comment about how their Exes and whoever else are "narcissists". It's on the level of going around and calling every human "fallible". Yes, and? I watched plenty of YT videos myself on the subject, yet IIRC only one creator ( Surviving Narcissism channel...maybe Richard has as well, I don't recall it in any videos of his I've viewed ) made the specific point that not all we think are "narcissists" are, rather, there is a spectrum of proportionality, then there are those who are on the level of NPD. General videos are good for clicks and those newly on to the scene for healing, but for others like myself I don't want to believe that anyone who manifests a narcissistic action are the devil, dangerous, and/or someone to go No Contact. Until deeper patterns and traits are in sync to a greater degree, more nuance is necessary in dealing with the complexity of our shared humanity.
Richard did this for me back in 2014 but I still listen for his insight and guidance and it's very fulfilling to understand how we can overcome, some of the pain and suffering of being in a relationship with a Narcissist. I also watch some of his older videos which are worth watching but obviously they have evolved.
Yes I remember Richard b4 your second realashionip with a 2nd narccist girlfriend.. Your helping others thank you. Been watching you for years now unfortunately lol.. I'm getting the mssg now. Read the book the four agreements as well and learning about myself as well.. 🙂 Huge hugs.. Liverpool guy.. My sons also helped me a lot with phylosophy and Ekheart Tolle. Namaste 🙏
If it hurts it isn't love. I mean somebody is sick mentally than
If those who did this damage to us would watch videos on this subject in order to heal themselves or somewhat regulate themselves, the world would be a better place.
Many lives could be saved.
I am in my 60’s, raised by narcissistic parents, according to the psychiatrist I was being treated by in my 20s. After months and months of therapy, delving into my background, digging up and rehashing all the trauma. He told me I was not in fact “crazy” as I had been told my entire life by my parents, but that, I was, in fact, raised by two narcissist. That was the beginning of a long journey for me..
I have recently managed myself from the last of many narcissistic “ friendships.“
Yes, please don’t give your life for these people. You cannot fix them. . Work on fixing the one that matters. That’s the one who is watching this video right now. Become your own advocate, gift yourself. You have always been giving others. That is your love and approval you are giving to others who will never appreciate it.
You matter.
You said it perfectly… it doesn’t matter if they have a clinical diagnosis or just an attribute.. if it’s making you unwell, unsafe, uncomfortable- it’s not heathy! This kind of relationship needs no metric… it’s toxic. If you feel something is off- it IS! You have permission to exit the equation. Do it now! Save your soul!
We ignore our gut instinct at our peril
Problem is with trauma - everything will make us unwell and unsafe and uncomfortable. And then anyone will be toxic. Everything will feel off. And that is the problem - because CBT will explain us that we are hallucinating and we should endure toxic people. Then we end up with fawning and people pleasing in order to survive corruption.
I would agree that we need to cut toxic people, however as Richard Grannon is talking in this video - when we do not have ability to make decisions based on calm mind - because we are in survival mode all the time, in hypervigilance - we will end up with avoiding everybody.
I see solution in education about what is dysregulation and complex trauma and BPD Splitting - where we label anything that moves as either toxic or as savior.
Yet another thing is to realize that due to trauma - we will feel automatic urge to fix other people and we will feel responsible for them being angry - that we come to terms with fact - if someone is angry all the time - then yes - we need to cut contact as soon as possible as our finances and circumstances allow us.
True that 💯
@@kfg7248 Not quite.
Sometimes we are might make errors due to wrong advice, wrong misdiagnosis, wrong instructions - and any person who pinpoints our mistakes will appear as rude, unsafe, unwell and uncomfortable. Other word is Cognitive Dissonance.
Then - if we do not learn from our mistakes, we will continue doing them, just because we cut off and silence and censor people who warn and alarm and alert us of our mistakes which do not appear as mistakes to us from our standpoint.
Well said! We have to respect ourselves. If the relationship feels bad to you - walk away. Love and respect yourself first.
The question to ask yourself is do I feel good when I am.around them, do they drain my energy, do they hurt my heart, do they inflict pain, do they cause confusion, do they generate chaos, are they unkind. Do I spend most of my time sad, confused, exhausted, second guessing myself questioning my sanity and my worth. if the answer is yes get away from them and never ever look back.
Kinda feels like you will leave and get hurt somewhere else until you master a "Dr. Strange" soul out of body observation. A place to observe without suseptability to your environment.
Yes. All excellent questions to ask ourselves.
Do they ignore me consistently? Do they make excuses for ignoring and say sorry a lot for stupid shit? Are you always less important, always the bane to blame? Yes, get away... they are a golden child
I think the reason we ask if it's narcissistic or not, is because they shift all blame on us and it messes with our perception on what going on around us.
Yess
Wow you went off on a rocket here against psychiatry. A language of understanding human mental pathology and the lecture had an attitude of superiority itself. I'm psychologically trained but I guarantee that when my narcissist hit me in the head with a baseball bat. I was not thinking narcissism. I was thinking swimming cards crochet pets when I should of been thinking is my manager a safe person to be around. It was after yes it's abuse and yes it's chronic and everything about her says narcissist as defined by the world Don't discourage lay people from learning personality info or create suspiciousnesd of mental health people. It doesn't help anyone's mental health. Your at a high standard of care here so I'm critiquing your opinions. Your theories are accurate but you don't encourage more learning. You cater to lazy labelers. Push mental health education without attacking psychiatry
@@bonnieromick9397 Wow, as a lay person, I got exactly the opposite message from this video. It's not about the label you put on it, it's about the effect that it is having on you caused quite simply by their behaviour. I didn't hear a word of discouragement to stop learning about this. I did hear a lot of guidance. I wasn't trying to label my ex as a narc, I already knew it. There's nothing however I can do about it except leave, which I did.
@@MKA63I do need the label because I have kids involved. If it’s was something else then I would have hope for therapy with him and them. Since it’s NPD, I know it’s pointless and I now know how to handle the situation. Sometimes you need to know.
It would be interesting to overlay the spectrum of logical fallacies over both Narcissistic and codependent behaviors and thoughts.
My mother said it best for me; if you are feeling threatened, leave. If your feeling suspicious, you have a reason. She said some people need to be told LEAVE. It doesn't matter figuring it out. Get away from them, work on yourself, focus on you. Heal, be healthier. Give up on them, never give up on you! Semper Fi yourself...
Love that. Semper Fi!
@@kathleendubois7128 Right? Me Too!!! 💕
Are you alone now?
@@joeya289 Now, I am, but working on a relationship but ultimately decided by what was going on (details), that it was not rught so we are not together as we were. I nedd to heal. This will take time, I was honest and my life is my proverbial kingdom to rule. I choose to do so as wisely as possible and a repeat of my past is obviously not a desirable outcome. If you have been in a relationship where narcissistic ppl ruled, long term. You have been brainwashed and may repeat your pattern that is not an option so, for now, I choose to focus on my healing.
Wow ,your mom knows more than what web should all know about .
I left my husband a month ago, I don't care if he's Narcissists' or not, he makes me so unhappy, I spent too many years with him.
7 weeks for me. I was miserable as sin, I'd lost all love for him. Thirty years wasted and our son in therapy but we'll get there. The house is a hell of alot calmer now he's gone
Smart lady. All the best!
“If you bleed compassion like a fire hose, you are neurotic” … truth bomb
This is so me 😂 i feel as read as fuck lol.
@@kittysparkleeyesyeah, me too. I’ve had my DNA done - highly agreeable, conscientious and highly neurotic
Richard seems happy. That makes me happy.
He sounds a bit drunk
"When you want to tell someone no, start with you." GOLD!
20 years I have yet to find any good therapist 😂 it's a nightmare 😢 people like you are one in a million ❤
Absolutely 💯
I concur!
A blind woman prefers me to her trained therapist. I was in an abusive relationship when she chose me to help her. Strangely, I’m just now waking up to what I was really inside of. It took a kick to the face and him saying the devil is trying to use him to kill me. There’s much more but I know there’s something wrong with me because after all that I still love him. But I do have a restraining order and I just call the crisis line once or twice a day.
My X charmed the psychologist we went to see by talking about similar vacations they took to the same city. He hijacked our therapy session and left me feeling devastated that he made a joke of our counseling session by thinking he was smarter by manipulating the counselor. When I got upset in the parking lot as we left, he laughed and said, "Oh stop worrying we are fine." I was devastated and stayed for years to come! I have been narc free for a year and now can see my own involvement in my own suffering in this relationship now that the fog has cleared.
Hey, been there. You can't fix what you can't identify. And he kept you spinning with no respect. Good for you, you've left! But do not for a minute blame yourself. That's their whole game.
So it’s your fault
It's important to know, because during being gaslit you are convinced everything is wrong with you, and it serves as a form of validation to know that you weren't the crazy one.
If they make you unhappy and doubt yourself , you don’t need ANYONES validation , it’s you who is on the receiving end and decide to leave or stay for more ,
Not all narcissists are "abusive" in the traditional sense of the word. As a fact, many narcissists have discovered early on that being abusive is less likely to get what they want. Rather, they enjoy the game, the manipulation..anything to get what they want. Narcissists learned young they only got certain rewards for doing certain things...and that continues. If abuse works, they do that. If not, they don't.
So what do you find the traditional sense of the word ‘abuse’ to be? Why don’t you substitute’ exploitative’ instead? It gets more succinctly to the core of what makes their behavior ‘ abusive’
@@EllaCinder-lh4roif your closest to the narcissist you will be abused in all ways the narcissist sees fit. Any reaction will do to satisfy the narcissist. Best to RUN from the abuse and don’t look back. Stay strong💪💕
Yeah the hypersexual narc who discards on a whim
Bravo!! Save your life by honoring your own needs. I wasted 30 years in a marriage characterized by growing abuse from my partner. My childhood had been much the same. I didn’t land on a helpful question until I was 53 years old: “Am I willing to absorb this increasing pain any longer?” I only learned the terms gaslighting and narcissism about a month before I left. But the totally-enslaving questions I used to ask myself for those three decades were “Why is he so weird?” and “Why am I so miserable, though he and everyone else tell me how lucky I am?” Save your life. You are qualified to determine if you are miserable without approval from anyone else. Your feelings are valid. They are not “too sensitive.”
It hits home when most of your life has been led by a code of never leaving a person behind. It makes you feel like your very nature is disloyal or self-serving. But you have to let it go just as a basis for self-preservation.
Do you get tired of all these THANK YOU posts? I hope not because there are not enough thank-yous in the world to show the gratitude I have for the content you post. I hate to be so dramatic and say you saved my life but pretty darn close to it. I was being internally and emotionally destroyed by a family member I could not get away from because it would have hurt someone else if I did. How awful a situation is that?! But now, the person I was protecting has passed away and I can finally free myself. I have no family now but that is better than living the way I was living. You help reinforce my decisions while also giving me the understanding that what I am doing is totally OK. I chose me because they are never going to. Abuse-yes, pattern-yes, continuing after asking them to stop-yes yes yes. And so I am gone. Sending you healing vibes and so much gratitude.
I dissociated as a child, repressing what horrors that I witnessed and experienced. There were so many times in a long marriage that I came back, hoping not to wake up and keep going. What has been intriguing, is learning about how some " normal" people came to the decision to end it. One person that I know, heard her partner say something that she knew she could not overcome, and ended it. Another experienced, outright selfishness and callousness, and knew that they would never be the same. Clean endings, may be more to do with the self respect that we need to build. However, there are many factors that can keep a person stuck. I admire such people, who have such a high level of self respect.
I feel amazement when I hear about people ending a marriage because they aren't happy or compatible. I'm incredulous at that level of self preservation. I'm like, "He wasn't abusive? He has a job? No drug problem? Didn't cheat?" 🤯
Narcissistic & toxic ppl can say some of the most wicked and evil things that can decimate a person beyond repair. Few know how to guard their minds from it.
"compassion button broken to 'on' " - oh that is such a helpful metaphor. 🙌 thank you.
Dear Richard
You didn't waste your time because of 2 Reasons: 1. You had to go through this to learn and help lots of people like me. 2. Times as our Mind thinks, doesn't exist. It's always Now!! This Understanding helped me to survive a narcissistic Relashionship (or maybe he wasn't) and finally found my we home and went through a second one just one month after "awakening" to learn that narcissistic Persons realy exist . That I am ok (at least my cognitive skills😂😂) I went to scan my brain, went to psychiatrist etc.....
And I hope I can stay aware now. I wasn't really awake I think or maybe I was. At least It didn't hurt that much second time and I always found Peace over all when I remembered Home and who I really am!! ❤
Don't sell yourself short..I had no idea what train had run over me and I was circling the drain when I found your videos working in the lab alone at night many years back. It saved me to understand..can't break a trauma bond if you have no idea it exists! You and Sam helped me move on. Thank u
Yes I understand what you are saying. Mental health is no excuse for abuse . And , even if it is a cause for it we should not accept it .
Thank you Richard 😊 I’ve been to a point where I don’t care about diagnosis, but this explains really well and now I know without a doubt what I’m dealing with.
You make good points. Why does it matter to me? Because if it's narcissism it means I didn't fail. It shouldn't matter, the abuse should be enough. I am being abused, the behavior isn't new, I asked many times for that abuse to stop, it hasn't stopped. If I was emotionally healthy that would be all I need to walk away.
You’re trying to be a victim so you can avoid your own responsibility 😂😂😂
Okay, I had to stop this video at minute 18… First, thank you Richard for providing videos to help educate people on narcissism. Those of us who were dumped or abandoned by narcissists STILL need validation to move on. It was through educating myself about narcissism that helped RELIEVE the pain in my heart even though my logical sense knew something was very, very wrong. Education is like a PAIN reliever like aspirin because the heartache from separating from the narcissist is sharp and painful. You know this, Richard!!!!
do some inner child work to find out why you were/are attracted to these kind of people - you will also find you true self and and you will be able to reactivate your self-worth ❤
Finding out what had happened to me was one big step. But the next and most important big step was understanding why I got there in the first place.
Healing my own codependency was essential for me to grow in the confines of a very healthy relationship and allow myself to be vulnerable, and not feel victimized.
I believe my ex is still a narcissist. But I’m no longer codependent. The latter has much more of an impact on my life and my future moving forward.
It’s like, understanding that my ex was a narcissist just opened the door for me to look at myself. But it really was in looking at myself that I was able to change myself for the better. I would never be compatible with a narcissist now.
I should also say, that it was a very difficult step to move from focusing on understanding his narcissism to focusing on my own codependency. It wasn’t easy and I wanted to cling to blaming him for being the bad one.
I had to let go of feeling like one was bad and one was good, and just moving towards an understanding of what is, without judgement or blame, but with clear understanding. It was very painful. But it was so necessary to get through that stage so that I could really feel better, and to let go of the anger and hurt burrows deep down in myself.
I don’t miss that anger.
@@maryfarrell9439 Beautiful ❤
And respect for not staying in the victim-mentallity.
Stronger than ever before.
👍
@@maryfarrell9439
Thank you thank you for sharing your process. It has anchored my choice to commit to finally the next step to move from the stage of hurt and anger , and continue my focus on my personal recovery on how I got there in the first place. Gratitude. You made a difference. 🙏
Listen this is an old time saying, "if you have to ask the question then you already know the answer" i never understood that quote until i got older, which is absolutely true!!! Stop fighting yourself for someone you love! Yes it is sad but it will never work especially if what you do and want to do is never respected!
This is it.... In my opinion, this is it. Finally having permission. (7:50 to 8:42) At least an equation for quick analysis!
I could never get permission to "be done". I remember asking friends and family hypothetical questions or questions that were subtle and non accusatory. I could never get anything other than the sticky return of "compassion"..... This is exactly the definition I finally figured out. I was actually using the word "compassion" in my mind to keep allowing the dysfunctional living to continue! It was a one/ two.
This was HUGE 22:35 to 25:01
Richard, I very seriously have to thank you for your description/ list of the five/ six. I've heard others describe, and I have come up with "compassionate" reasons why my mother would not have been in that category and I was "probably just overreacting".... But in truth, by revealing these five/ six aspects, you entirely, without a doubt, absolutely described my mother....(now I can move to my next step...)
Thank you...
I feel like that too, like I need permission. Weird. Also, I want to be done but his name keeps coming up in snapchat and I feel jealous ND this isn't even a sexual relationship.
My father was a narcissist, my stepmother (of 60 years) is definitely a narcissist and I now believe my daughter’s husband is a narcissist and I just turned him in for abusing my 4 year-old grandson. All hell is breaking loose. It’s overwhelming but I’m grateful for your truth spoken to help navigate through all this.
Stop calling everyone a narcissist grow up and get off TH-cam
Another good rant from Richard. If I hadn’t already left my person, this would have done it… it doesn’t matter if it’s narcissism or not - is the relationship unhealthy and not improving? Key questions we can all ask ourselves
I just significantly distanced myself and children (while my husband is deployed) from a verbally abusive family member on my husbands side. I have spent the last week agonizing and wondering if I should feel guilt for not being more tolerant (it’s been 16 years now). Once you said “abusive, consistent, previously communicated?” A tremendous weight was lifted.
You are helping so many. I am ready to heal from my own childhood trauma and I’m tired of feeling bad for cutting out the weeds in my life.
Perfectly said. Yourself will tell you if that what you're in is not right. For you. If you are constantly ill and depressed, angry, ect confused with this person, there is something wrong. Go get help for yourself. It doesn't matter if they are or not. You know what you experience with that person and it's damaging you and you need to pay attention to yourself and care for your health and mental state.
He is explaining in this one hour video the Laymans term if you’re being abused leave
Richard you are the best comic relief for such a topic that severely needs comic relief!! Thank you for always bringing a sense of humor to humanity it's so essential!! Also I adore the accents you give the various entities it's wonderful! Please don't stop doing what you do, with such jois de vie❤ couldn't get through this without you!
For the record I clicked on the video because I click on all videos with your face, I didn't read the title😊
“With a drizzle of gibbledidoo”. 😂 You lighten and brighten my heart space. Thank you.
Thanks for this video you're not only a victim but you're clever, informative and funny too which makes your videos a great watch ❤
Totally agree
I really like you’re frank approach- it’s exactly what I need
Thank you, Richard! You're my hero. So accurate, so profound, so humorous.
This is such a helpful video Richard. Always right on time for me!
After watching the first part for a second time, I started thinking about my own experience....I think wanting to know so bad also stems from our reality being so fucked with. They are so good at being so good a lot of the time, that when they do their crazy shit it's almost like wait, did that really happen? It's so far out, and such a switch, it's insane. And then to switch again and go back to the nice guy, absolute crazy making. So if they can be labeled as a narcissist, well then that makes reality set in, something that we all don't want to accept. It's a matter of acceptance and denial. And because the narcissist switches back and forth, it's hard to accept either one, because it's insanity. I have no idea why this isn't called delusional psychopathic split personality disorder.
I so needed to hear this! I’ve been struggling for years on whether or not I should leave. Trying to ‘diagnose’ him, understand him, fix him, fix myself. I can finally be done.
Lol😂 love your humorous and realistic way of getting us to quit trying to rationalize an irrational situation.
The dupers delight grin when or if they see you flinch when they know they have hurt you ..they will watch you for a reaction to their shit behaviour and grin if you do …it’s disgusting now that I recognize it and know what the hell that is.
Thank you for your time and thoughts Richard 💪🔥❤️☯️🖖🦋
You're completely correct. It doesn't matter if my ex fits the diagnostic criteria, he still abused me and made me unhappy, so I left.
Gotta say, it did help me immensely to learn about narcissism. Seeing him as this seriously mentally ill person who doesn't care and will not change just because I put in what I thought were love and compassion really helped to get over my sense of guilt and my helper syndrome. I was able to step back and observe, test my hypothesis. And for the first time I was able to predict his behavior.
It took months of research and therapy for me to understand that what he did was abuse. In hindsight the self-gaslighting was insane.
35 yrs married to an alcoholic. A roller coaster life thats just getting worse. Many hours of counselling, self help books.
Since I’ve been listening to your videos I’ve seen the light. So much makes sense. I’ve been so brainwashed…
Been thinking lately that I’m narcissistic. Now I understand why!!!!
I can’t live like this anymore.
Thank you so much for helping me see through all this BS.
Richard: you are a good man, thank you.
You helped me understand and get on with my life like 5 years ago and watching you still never gets old. You've gotten better like fine wine. I still pester Brand to interview you.
That interview would be genius squared.
That would be something. Especially in the wider world context, if Richard subscribes to Sam Vaknin's 'epidemic of cultural narcissism' idea, or has his own take on it.
This is fabulous advice. I wish i knew you 50 years ago. But i did finislly learn!
Wow. Thank you. I've learned how much sometimes we just need to hear the truth stated simply and outside of our inner, overwhelming emotions and racing thoughts.
💖🙏💖
I relate. Especially about the abuse and asking him to stop and hadn't. So yes, I'm certainly co-dependent and need to get out while I have a chance. It's exhausting.
Oh my gosh, you have articulated this perfectly ....you will probably trigger a lot of negative responses but totally worth it! Thank you brother for your wisdom.....you helped me and my children recover from narcissistic abuse and helped me to see where I was allowing this behaviour through my faulty compassion button 💜🙏💚
Bom dia Richard, I listened to you last night and was acknowledging your pain of remembering how strange a feeling you had via someone else's awareness. The scare was the lack, and every time trauma happens the lack is the void you feel that you are not self, safe or able to regulate until the void is filled. Self has to do that. What I think you partner at that time experienced was awareness. It was the topic on screen that showed her her shadow, as in the lack of awareness that got mirrored to her and she suddenly had a sonder experience and it started with you. It sounded like from your description that it was a huge 'take' because you were in a strange place too, and were not able to share her observations due to the content of your needs, but really, it was exactly what you needed to find your own shadow, as you were people pleasing. Call it love, but she knew her needs were being met and she was free from her trauma. It really sounds beautiful in many ways. Thank you for sharing the holes in your reality, we all have them.
This was a great clarification I think many will benefit from this.. thank you. I lost a good many years of my life also weighing that question.. if I was the 'bad person' to 'give up' (as i was gaslighted to believe) and wasted endless energy and precious time on.. even now, after that chapter is over for me, I appreciate your insights and clarifications to keep my wits sharp 😊
Oh I love that you brought up Renfield. I saw it for the first time when I was waking up from Narc abuse by mother, and I related so hard to him....If you are a person like me in middle age has been abused and has CPTSD please be aware that you need therapy. Not only are you wasting your life, there is a very real chance you will turn into an abuser yourself. If you tell me that isn't possible you would never let that happen, I can tell you I was the same. The thing that scared me into therapy was hearing things that my mother said to me coming out of my own mouth talking to my son. If you are a parent or are in a relationship PLEASE PLEASE get to therapy. I'm begging you.
I too am a psych major and I love how you point out the sanctimonious/religious status that psychology is given by the masses without them realizing it.
The Celestial serpent of Hinduism came into psych heavily via Jung. The very word “ego” comes from Hinduism. This is literally religious tenants posing as science.
science is in the bible as metafores maybe not in releign
Man, the hardest part is accepting. I've finally, FINALLY disconnected (still have to co-parent). I've watched so many of yours and Sam's stuff, it was enough to get me moving. But now I am re-watching I remember having soooooooooooooo much self doubt, sooooooo much self doubt. I'm here literally just months later.. and it is clear as day.
Many times in the New Testament - when asked about these evil creatures, Jesus said - GUARD YOUR HEARTS!!😢😮❤❤❤
Did Jesus give any advice on how to guard the heart. Have faith in the kindness of others is a good lead
I experienced the regular verbal and emotional abuse, but never asked him to stop. He made me think that everything was my fault, and i always tried to change myself because i felt that i was in the wrong. He did this to my kids as well. I only realized in the last two years of my marriage that it was NPD because of social media. In particular youtube videos from Richard.
I left after seeing a psychologist and we both went to "marriage therapy", where the therapist caught on very quickly. She was very glad when i decided to leave him as she saw some aggressive behaviour from him during the sessions. Luckily he was never physically abusive, but then he was a small man. And I'm relatively strong for a woman.
This is a great video, it doesn't leave one with any doubts.
You do great work Richard! Thanks for your massive contribution to the community! I have listened to Sam also about how everyone is the narcissists “mother.”
It helped immensely to understand the “system.”
For me, it's about looking back and having closure with all the pain i caused by calling him out in front of everyone
Fuck that call em out
I needed to hear this today ♥️. You explain so well the workings of the codependent mind to gaslight oneself, rationalise bad behaviour away and the drive to be compassionate in a situation where it's not appropriate. The simplicity of was there bad behaviour ? Is there a consistent repeated pattern of bad behaviour? do they continue the behaviour even after you asked them not to do it ? It's ok to leave and choose yourself.
I too have wasted many years of my life and so want to stop. Thank you.
Narcissists are delusional and get satisfaction from being sadistic when they're around loved ones because of their fake persona but when alone they're suffering because they're going back and forth due to dissonance. I'm experiencing it as well due to trauma bonding! Thank you it all makes sense and very empowering to feel part of a community being advised by you. On the other hand, I enjoy your hilarious accents and impersonations.
You do make me laugh 😂 Richard, seriously your content is so on point and honest thanks..
Correct.
The only person's emotions I'm responsible to fix and recover, are mine.
I can suggest to people how I got out and began to heal, and point them in the right direction, but that's it, no more.
Thanks dude.
Hands down the best video I’ve seen on these topics. Well-done. Concise. Puts the ball and the power in the victim’s court. Thank you.
Best advice ever! I’ve been living with 17 years of abuse…..today…he was reasonable, calm and agreeable. I started to question…is he a narcissist? It doesn’t matter! All that matters is..I don’t have to suffer his abuse any longer. We are going to live in the same house separately until our 14 year old is through school. On this day…he seems more than cooperative about this arrangement. Dare I say?….more to be revealed?
I love you Richard for this! Simple and brilliant at the same time ..and your humor kicks me in my victim ass to wake up! ..thank you for that ❤😊
It is crazy, seeing you now. I saw you first time many years ago, now backtracked to you few narcissistic relationships later, your growth is amazing, your videos got so much better, yet you didnt change at all in some comforting way. I love this about people, how they change a lot, but not at the same time. Hopefully finding you again can help now after past few years sh*t show of my life :] To act like how I am supposed to and desperately look for answers, I hate how everything fits, by your definitions, but towards end you said *if it is NPD, they wont feel remorse* - he does. I know he does. But everything else fits, so like, you know.. I am where I started haha.. I love you and your videos. Wish there was more people like you trying to help others. Much love and happy days.
Brilliant brilliant brilliant
Thank you so much. You have a special language in your videos that reach my brain and my heart!!!
So good to have found you during recovery!!
Right there with you Richard! Great video. I binge watched you a few years ago until I got sucked back in. I feel your pain. We'll be ok!
It really doesn’t matter, with what they diagnosed at the end. What really matters is how this person makes you feel. Sometimes people who are not god with understanding their emotions, misinterpret fear with excitement. It took me years and more than one abusive relationship to get there. I really hope that in the future, I have the courage to set boundaries and say no. Everything else is manipulation. And not love.
Great video and inside. Thank you
There are no words. THANKYOU FOR DOING THIS IN THIS WAY!
I TOOK A DEEP BREATH JUST AS I PICKED THIS. YOUR DEEP BREATH, MADE ME STAY.
I knew you got it, for sure.
THANKYOU
You have absolutely pinpointed and answered key questions for me. He is without a doubt a major narc. I already knew it but now I'm absolutely confident in this fact. Thank you
I’m in tears. As an empathic, you’ve saved me from beating myself up or feeling guilty over walking away from or staying away from people with who consistently chose to be abusive despite me telling them, “ please do that it makes me feel…”I needed to hear this. Thank you soooo much.
Glad to see you are making videos again. You look and sound excellent. I've watched a couple today. Hope you continue doing well. ❤
You are the only person who can choose to leave. Regardless what anybody else says. Abuse is abuse.
The real problem is people are self-diagnosing and then using it as an excuse for bs behavior!
Thank you,Richard,I really needed to hear this. I am on,off,all the time. Is he,or is he not,yes,no,yes.. I know he has a bad mother,so that explains a lot, pitty him..
I have tried several years now,even gone to a therapist. With no resaults. Its strange and horrible that it is so difficult to take a decition. Even the inner you knows what you have to do🙏
Love from Norway💜
I’ve spent longer trying to heal and understand the whole situ and narcissism than I spent in the relationship but it’s good because it still teaches me how to understand my own co dependence and my shadow that has allowed me to choose such unhealthy relationships.
OMG Richard again !!! You've hit that sweet spot❤ YES YES and YES, THANKYOU !!! 😂
.......Is it possible that they're just having a bloody good time, enjoying the chaos, the drama, the manipulation, and the sheer boundry-less exploitation????
THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS :
YES, THEY UNAPOLOGETICALLY ARE!!!
This was the most painfully shocking, rapid, yet very simple, undeniable, in-your/my- face concept and subsequent conclusion to come to terms with.
Why? ....
because it's the TRUTH,
and the truth sets you free!
No diagnoatical tool needed, just a big deep dive into our ocean, where the answers await us, for the realisatoon, acceptance, and alchemisation of our core beliefs, making space for the love and light to enter for ourselves and others once again. 💫💫💫
Much love ❤️ 💛 💙
So grateful for you Richard. Your work is amazing. And once again, right on time. Sometimes when life gets really stormy, your voice and content are the only thing that's soothing to my psyche. Logic my friend. I need logic in my life. Thank you for all you do.
I love your delivery on your videos. The black and white answers and explanations I appreciate the most. The message in this particular video is the best to date. Abuse is abuse. End of story. People need to learn to get out of it and stop looking for an excuse or justification as to why it is there. Thank you for the time and energy that you put into your work!
This is one of your best, realistic and grounded videos! Very simple and matter of fact. I agree with all 🎉❤
Perfection..., perfection.. recovering people pleasing.... you saying that the person who has "compassion" also thinks their compassion is special...it's so turn. I feel I'm the only one who can "love' them into being a good person.❤ I can't.I'm not special.that the narcissism.
Just watching this for the first time and only 2 1/2 weeks out of a 7 year situation - my having put various barriers in along the way, so a long time coming to an end, yet still a significant grief (his wanting to see someone else in the end was my cue to remove myself totally, to protect myself). Referring to the 'you can leave/if you've told them and they don't stop you can stop trying' bit. He managed to 'get in first' with that; give me a list of things I did/needed to do/not do in order not to evoke his wrath/abusive behaviours. If - when - it happened, sporadically but often (and often alcohol related) - he would say it's because I'd 'done the thing' again. Stuff I sometimes 'didn't know I was doing but would wind him up'. Made it seem he was the compassionate one for not walking away. I was NEVER abusive. It was extreme gaslighting. Mentally I stayed sharp - as sharp as I could - but my brain would often feel mashed up.
This was by far the most helpful self check I have heard in a very long time. You really have a way of giving us a well-needed smack in the head and wake the f up speech. Very well said!
Thank you so much for this Richard! The term narcissist is thrown around so frequently that it is becoming progressively more difficult to accurately identify narcissistic traits. Breaking it down to the much older and simpler terms makes it so much clearer. Thank you.
Thank you for your message. Very true. We all need to create boundaries of who and how we can help others, whether personally or lwith our work. Thx you.
I think this is the best video on this topic I've ever seen. Thank you.
Thank you, Richard. This is a video I will be listening to again and again.
You're welcome! 😎
So will I
Thank you for this Mr. Grannon. VERY GOOD STUFF. Very right about compassion stuck on the "on button" is broken-is a mental illness. And very good observations about our society being psychologized, and the resultant negative aspects on people and society. There is certainly something to be said about keeping it simple.
I’ve been listening to these videos for years and now I think it’s safe to leave … he is out of town working and he can’t stop me. That’s the key… just be safe and leave when it’s safe. I still do t know what to say so he won’t stalk and harass and slander me but at this point I just need to leave and figure the rest out later … this is tough but painful endings can lead to nice and healthy beginnings. I have hope and some how heating you give me permission to give up is really encouraging to me!!! Thank you!! I need this message!!
Thank you! So much. ❤
Thank you, that you give your ❤power to explain the Problem and help me to go away !❤
Exactly! Compromise is only healthy when both parties can remain at peace with the outcome of that compromise and mutually benefit from it
Richard, you are excellent at what you do: I'm very grateful, man. You help me.
All I can say is thank you Rich, your words resonated and made me laugh. I am grateful because in so many ways these lessons helped save my life . . . Or at the very least, my soul.
Well, someone got you all wound up, before you hit the record button, Richard. This is your best video yet. You can retire now. There is nothing more to say than what you've said here. Good one!
Cheers!
Thankyou. 8yrs ,finally 2 months no contact. Hard as hell but my head and heart finally alligned. Had to leave the country to break the cycle carefully cause EVERY time I tried to get him out my house he'd smash it up and lock me in . It's lovely now to be able to have some peace and quiet ,it was expensive on my health and finances but will be worth it I know. He's already on the new supply(but desperate to keep me lol) even though was sending me pics of himself with rope around his neck because I told him I'm going no contact. Usual tricks . Thankyou for your videos
Thanks once again, you helped me come full circle with alot of the self therapy ive had to work through, have yet to be able to find a therapist that is in my area in denmark that knows about this works with this and has room, seems a very new topic to danes, but then i think the knowledge of all that happens during narcissistic abuse and how cptsd codependency and everything hangs together is rather a newish discovery, Therapists do seem to agree it exists, but how to truly pull oneself out of it and helping to do that is not an easy topic and hard to find help for here it seems. Also truly appreciate your book, was finally able to purchase it last month(pennyless git here :P)
I’ve been watching you Richard for 8 years. Bravo 👏🏻 BEST video to date! People get to chose to live life separately!
thankyou Richard, those 15yrs not wasted man. ive spent the 5yrs in the relationship and 4 additional months post breakup asking myself these questions. Obviously bringing me to your channel and numerous others. Im completely engulfed in it. Consumed and exhausted. I feel obsessed at times and i dont wanna live out my life at 43 in a state of neurosis trying to understand it all. Im gonna give up on trying to understand the person who gave up on me, for whatever reason. I'm gonna try to start living my best life. No shame in that. Like she said "its time for me to be selfish" 🤦♂️ Best of luck to you sir and wish me luck as well!
Can you talk about the struggle with guilt after the fact too? The battle with this question lasts years after the relationship for some people and this video (admittedly I'm only 10 minutes in) is a wonderful way to bluntly call everyone out for exactly what they're doing to themselves by engaging in this inability to JUST LET GO.
Maybe see the video he made today. It's short.👍👍👍👍👍👍
Richard I so respect what you do and I have been helped tremendously by your videos over the years.
So first off, THANK You. I grew up with a narcissistic father and I have subsequently had a diabolical narcissistic boss, and I find that I often attract them when dating so I have remained single for many years. I thought I was healed and then my fiance came along and embodied everything that I've always wanted in a man. There weren't a lot of red flags in the beginning of that relationship that were not easily explainable, and he did not seem abusive at the beginning. Even at the end, it was such subtle gaslighting that I was questioning my own sanity and I became sick.
I'm very familiar with all of the terms and behaviors surrounding narcissism, and I didn't see much. But in the end, he was a very covert and diabolical. Unlike my vulnerable narc Dad, and my classic arrogant grandiose boss. He has even suckered in my little sister. 2 days after we broke up.... and she's not a trashy person. Just a vulnerable unhealed one.
I'm now dating someone else and I feel much more healed and have work through a lot of my trauma and realize that I was swallowing a fantasy and being unrealistic about what behaviors I would accept and the crumbs that I would willingly settle for. That being said, I never never want to go through that kind of pain again and anytime I see a slightly narcissistic behavior or even a misunderstanding, I get triggered and feel anxiety. I'm working through this, but I want to tell you that that is probably one of the main reasons that people want to determine whether someone is a narcissist. It's not only so they can decide whether to leave, and it's not only because they're trying to determine if they're the crazy one. Sometimes it's because they're trying to protect themselves from another broken heart. Very covert narcissists don't have a lot of red flags in the beginning other than love bombing, which many normal men do in the beginning of new relationships. Anyway I thought I would point that out because I realized what you're saying about not needing a diagnosis to leave an abusive situation. But it's in those instances where it's not yet abusive that is scary for those of us who have been in it before. We are seeking reassurance of some type not to give up on what could potentially be an ACTUAL good person. I have realized that the converse is also true. If they're not being abusive, there's no reason to leave. But it doesn't mean I'm not scared s*******.