Why You're Actually Depressed After Divorce
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ต.ค. 2024
- Depression is a nervous system response to intolerable, overwhelming or frightening emotions. It is less about sadness and more about fear.
Understanding the real reason behind feelings of depression gives us more effective tools for recovering from it. If depression is a nervous system response to intolerable emotions, then it is a solution, not a problem. If we want the depression to go away, we have to find a different solution to the problem of overwhelming emotional pain.
Fortunately, we live in a time where there are actually many effective tools for widening one's emotional window of tolerance and making painful emotions more managable and less overwhelming. When we can do that, there is no longer a need for the nervous system to enter a depressed state.
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Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't kneecap your relationships.
You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future. And now you can get access to the same step by step, proven system that has already helped hundreds of men do just that, inside the Better Beyond Divorce App.
GET ACCESS TO THE BETTER BEYOND DIVORCE APP NOW:
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Additional Resources
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
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Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage
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Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma amzn.to/3umFPkj
► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place. amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
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Five years married to the love of my life and we had a two-year-old. Divorced because of not being compatible with each other anymore. She became from a loving person to a completely different person and just five years the problem I have why I can’t let go is because we remember the old person that we fell in love with. And that person does not exist anymore you gotta remember the current person not the past and that’s how you will move forward. I figured it out. It’s still gonna be hard. It still hurts every day but you’re doing what’s best because no one deserves to be treated bad specially, physically and verbally abuse should not exist and do not stay with that person that does that.
Dealing with this at 28. I understand most women want a divorce, but for me, my husband was the one who blindsided me. These videos help me. ❤
This nails how I feel. I'm going through a divorce and feel so trapped. Trapped financially to a spouse who won't/can't work or take care of themselves, trapped in a parenting plan that leaves me without seeing my son enough, trapped in a location where I don't want to live, trapped in na job that I want to quit, but can't.
I'm finding it very difficult to understand how to move on.
Look man
Take it easy
Gone through same
I thought it wwas the end of the world
One day at a time
Going through similar work 6 days a week and seeing my son on my single off day, worst about it all is not seeing my son enough, which I find the most difficult part of it all.
I'm going through divorce, I left the only woman I ever wanted to be with because of her drinking and small instances of mentally and physical abuse. She wouldn't listen to me or anyone around her to stop, so I left after 7 years. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of her, her two daughters who I got on with haven't spoke to me since I left. The thing that keeps triggering me is asking myself did I give her enough chances before I left, is she ok, why she tried to blame me for her drinking, was I that bad a husband, and why I would take her back tomorrow if she changed but I now think she wouldn't take me back. 😢
Thank you for watching and for sharing some of your story here. It's clear that this was a really difficult and painful choice for you, and that those questions are creating a lot of suffering.
From the little I know of your situation, I think there is quite a lot to unpack and explore, so that you can find satisfying answers to these questions and make a good decision about what moving on looks like for you.
If you'd like my support in that process, please take a look at my coaching program, Better Beyond Divorce. It is a high impact, highly personalized program that gives you three essential things:
1. A proven step by step process for answering these kinds of questions, making your peace with the past and moving forwards.
2. Regular personalized coaching and support from me to help you overcome the unique challenges in your situation
3. Access to a community of men working through similar problems to support and inspire you
You can find the details here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce
I'm depressed because my ex wife is a liar and used me to better her life until she could just move on to someone else. And I hate myself and I can't forgive anyone for anything and I'm filled with hate and all I want is to see the world burn.
I'm right there used and abused
Same here man, stay strong.
Same here, I feel you 😢
I feel the exact same way
Yep! The betrayal is one thing but that feeling of absolute stupidity and being a sucker is another! All the time putt in, all the dreaming, the money spent, the times that you were there for her, blah blah blah.... It was all a farce from her! Vampiric and parasitic! Drain and move on... I understand this absolutely! 😠
I feel lonely deep down in my soul.I was 18 years with a woman,11 years married,i am 2 years divorced from her,the pain was horrible,now i have a new woman in my life for 4 months,but i miss my old life,i feel awfull from time to time,I stop heavy drinking 11 months ago,i still feel emptyness.At least i stop crying everyday
Fuck I just want to stop crying. Been thinking about ending my life. Sixteen years five kids and she is so mad about the past and can't forgive like I do.
@@jeremiahlarremore8600I was married for 20 years 5 kids. It took her a couple months to start sleeping around after we separated. I lost my house, see my kids on the weekend while she sleeps around and parties. 50 hr work weeks. You are not alone. The crazy thing is I can cry. I knew deep down inside it was over but it still painful I often contemplate ending it. You are not alone.
Thank you Rachael. There is a lot to unpack from this video. Fortunately, I can replay it. I also registered for for free masterclass. This is a life changing experience. Do women go through this level of pain that men go through?
Hi BK, this is a great question. The short answer is YES. For a more complete answer, please be a little patient with me. In my video queue is an interview with Cristina Cuevas, who is a divorce coach for woman.
She describes very clearly the level of desperation, despair and pain that many women experience during and after divorce, and she also explains how and why they go to great lengths to hide that pain.
I think she answers this question much better than I can! That interview will be coming up in early February.
In the meantime, I'm thrilled that you're doing the Masterclass! If you have any questions afterwards please don't hesitate to reach out - rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Have delt with depression in my older years with my wife of 43 years left has been very hard broken heart and broken family and loss of a child its a fight every day
Im sorry my friend, please know you arent alone ❤
This was very helpful. Thank you 🙏
There is nothing more spiritually, emotionally, mentally and financially damaging than marriage.
It’s a hard truth but truth nonetheless.
Everything she said is true.
I have accepted it this is who i am now it been a year now no u use work to escape my depression i fucking hate not working on the weekends u just sitting at my house feeling all the bad shit in my head
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope you won't give up - your brain can heal, it is an amazingly resilient, adapative thing. The right therapy can make a big difference - if you haven't already, please explore working with a trauma focused or somatic therapist. You can search for ones in your area here: www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
Hey shad, how are you doing? Your comment hit me hard and wanted to check on you. Going through some stuff myself too.
I did that for years, I'd work 7 days a week 14-20 hours a day just to avoid going home. Finally I couldn't take any more . I gave away my things, sold my house for a quick sale and lived in a forest for 8 years, I don't think I talked to anyone other than the cashier asking me If I wanted paper or plastic. I talk to a few people now, mostly I'm hanging with my wifes ex (before me) Two mens lives destroyed, we both say that it would have been better if she had just poisoned us or something.
Excellent description of depression
I feel like my emotional breakdowns are getting shorter...but there's so many triggers everyday that bring on the emotions such as music, commercials, smells...how do I deal with those triggers that bring me down?
It takes time, intention and awareness to unwire your default reactions to triggers. I wish there was an immediate fix! But I do know that it gets better over time IF you're taking the right steps. In my experience there are two areas to focus on:
- unwiring the trigger reaction, which happens through awareness and tracking your reactions
- Intentionally wiring in a new response, which entails practicing, on purpose, the thoughts and emotions you would like to be able to access when triggered (this takes a lot of practice when you're not triggered, so the neural pathway is available when you need it).
I feel this as well. Like my mind feels and accepts the divorce but for some reason I still feel lots of pain. Some days I feel okay and can go on and then some days like today I feel super sadness and grief. But I do find comfort that I know it will pass and sitting with the feeling is better then trying to avoid it.
In INDIA we say Mard ko dard nahi hota... (Men feel no pain).
I feel my limbic response right in my gut, on the left side, 3 in above the navel and about the same to the left side.
It almost always is in the after noon. I tried drinking a ton of sleepy time extra tea all afternoon and it may have helped; I must have drank the whole box. It reminds me most of when I was a small kid and got lost in the supermarket and was freaking out.
Depression is spiritual it started there first
Is this only for men?