Emotional Dysregulation Ruins Even The Best Relationships
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If you grew up neglected, chances are good that when you’re under stress, you get emotionally dysregulated -- your nervous system reacts to stressors with extra strong emotions. When most people would be hurt, you’re devastated. When you fall in love it feels enormous. And getting angry, unfortunately for the people who love you, can turn into RAGE. Emotional dysregulation is not exclusive to Childhood PTSD, but it’s a very common and very destructive symptom. And perhaps more than any other truama symptom, it ruins relationships and kills dreams. The good news is, healing is possible, and in this video I teach you how.
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I was just talking about this in therapy today. I learned that if I’m triggered, I start to feel unsafe and want to escape the negative feelings and I start to lash out when I don’t get it under control. I’m working so hard on identifying it and taking action before I get out of control
You got this! We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
🏆
Look into The Emotion Code by Dr Bradley Nelson. Every human should read this book.
Self care and distance from those who don’t and can’t see you/ and then never ever giving up on forming real relationships based on reality :) with kind and supportive people
Oh man oh man I lashed out in anger today. I'm going through the whole hate myself and mad that I can't get it right. What happened was not right, but me blowing up makes everything 10 times worse.
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place! -Calista@TeamFairy
I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to forget that you’re only doing what you learned, and to unlearn it and reshape yourself will take time. It’s okay to show yourself compassion, even if you didn’t react how you thought you should have reacted ❤
The timing of this is wild. I’m in a very similar situation as Penny. My boyfriend and I met online when we were kids, and stayed long distance friends all the way into adulthood. We kept in contact off and on, and had our own lives, but through it all we still found ourselves wanting to meet. He’s a year older than me, and at age 19 we decided it was time. He came to visit me, we got acquainted, then on a whim of “He’s a great and special guy, I want to get away from my family” I moved in with him. I didn’t consider any other factors at the time or even realize the extent of my trauma, all I knew was that I was excited to jump into a relationship with him and that I was desperate to get away from my family. We’ve been together for a year now, and despite the chaos and intense stress of this relationship, we still want it so bad. He’s just as Penny described her boyfriend, he’s healthy, loving/caring, respects boundaries, has his own life, amazing at taking care of me, the list of great qualities is endless. He’s the best. The problem is that I find myself feeling starved of space. It took awhile to realize, but we came to this conclusion recently, and it’s why I also have the same lash outs that Penny has. What’s so eerie is that just last night one of these happened again, and then I see this video posted. I’ve felt so alone in what I thought was a very unique situation, but to hear that someone else is in a similar position is so comforting. I’ve felt crazy all of the time, I’m constantly analyzing my behavior and fighting to improve. I’ve been in such a depressive rut for over a year and in a deep state of confusion over why I am the way that I am, and waking up to all the abuse I’ve endured throughout my life. For awhile I denied it. I’m fighting for change & self improvement, and I’m fighting for this relationship
I had a very similar situation. I was his precious cargo for almost 5 years. All at once it changed, and ten years gone he abandoned me hardcore. I'm sick and he is a narc/psychopath/sociopath and a chronic liar. Never met one before him. I'm thankful he moved far away it made me a crazy person :( I was ok with no space . Unhealthy. I'm nearly half a century old and have diseases that will shorten my life. I'm so alone, have 2 therapists, and after 6mo I'm still holding out. No friends, thankful for videos like this. BE CAREFUL, don't waste your life if it goes downhill!! Much love.
@@TwoPartyIllusion , I was stuck for ten years, ending today, actually, so I kinda know how you feel. He was a super narcissistic/pathological liar, and I would do whatever he made me feel like I should do, because if I didn't, oh gods no... He was living it up on the nice side of town with me at his mercy, for YEARS, and in a real nice, city apartment before that. He spent so much time telling me I was making a mistake, as soon as I actually educated myself and realized what narc's rly are, and damn, there's the definition sitting upstairs from me playing video games... Sry I'm not trying to make this so long! Stay strong ❤ my dear!!!
You'll be able to do it!! 😀 You can get the help you need. He seems to love you and wants to be with you. I hope as you fight for your relationship, you can both navigate who you'll become as you heal. I couldn't convince the guy I liked to get the help he needed. He would get emotionally dysregulated and smoke weed to calm down. I wanted him to get help. I came from a family of addicts and didn't want to marry one. He was a great person, just as I am sure you are, and you deserve to be happy and healed.
Oh honey, you are not alone. And thank you for comforting me that I'm not either. I moved in with my boyfriend at age 21 to get away from my family too, I didn't even know the terms "trauma" or "dysregulation" back then, much less the extent to which I myself suffered from those things. Much pain and heartbreak ensued, but he stayed by my side through it all, patient and loving. I came out the other end of that crucible breathless and broken, but wiser and committed to this shaky path of healing. We are still together 4 years later, untangling the knots of our scared little hearts. I also cannot emphasize how important the friendship with my best friend was and continues to be through this journey.
I really think it's going to get better. Don't forget to hold yourself in love. You are not a bad person, and I'm sorry you are suffering in such a similar way as I do. Lashing out always leaves me feeling guilty and drained, I have such a low opinion of myself in those moments. Keep walking, and remember the compassion that always embraces you.
~A soul who is sending you love
@@memc4903 Thank you so much. This made me tear up. I feel so seen, and I hope you’re doing well these days. If I may ask, what has helped you the most so far in your journey? You are so strong
Until I found your channel 🧚🏻♀️ I lived in an emotional flashback. I found you 2 years ago and I have only been living in the present for that long. Before that I lived in the past as an abused child who wasn’t in control of their life. I was waiting for someone to rescue me. Now, Everyday, I save myself, I take care of myself. I always wanted a hero to come, but it is me 🦸🏾♀️
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I love these videos ❤ I learned that I don’t express anger at a healthy 3 or a 4, I wait until I am at a 9 or a 10, which is why I explode😊
You're in the right place! -Calista@TeamFairy
Maybe that is my problem too. I'm super laid back in a relationship but issues build until my stack blows at "the last straw" and the entire relationship turns into a train wreck. It's so destructive and I feel it is self destructive as well. It's why I'm here, trying to heal and change.
I’m a Penny and I need help too! I’m 52 though ….. but I’m spoiling a good thing. I think being menopausal doesn’t help either. I feel like a ticking time bomb !
Same age
Just lost the love of my life, or so I thought
I felt the same way… like I was going literally insane and destroying all my relationships. Until I started getting hormone pellets. Saved my (and my loved ones) lives.
I am in a similar situation, but I was just broken up with. Healing & dealing with CPTSD took away from the relationship, even though I thought he could be the "one". He tried to be as supportive as possible, but I didn't know how to handle dysregulation and blamed him over and over again for the way I was feeling. I think that wore him out until we finally split. He says he may change his mind, but he hasn't been happy for awhile and can't be with me right now. I realize now how selfish I was in the relationship. I thought my affection was enough to keep us going, but I was wrong. Now since we are still on good terms, I just want to send him this video and say "this is what I've been going through and putting you through, I was a shitty partner and I hope you know how sorry I am. I will keep healing because you or whoever else, doesn't deserve to be treated that way." Is it a good idea? I am not sure if I should send it to him. If I did, I would have to stay very detached to however the outcome, because however he reacts is his choice and out of my control. Thank you Anna, because I needed this.
Sounds honest & healing. Be diplomatic & detached & it may be helpful.
I'm right there with you. But in our scenario, he's emotionally unravelling due to grief. In this muddled mindset, he's decided that he can't handle the "responsibility" of us. But I did send him this video.
I just can't help lashing out. No matter how much I try. Sooner or later I end up giving feedback, even if its a polite/formal message or putting things in perspective or whatever.. In that moment, I am so convinced this is the right thing to do. 😢
Me too.😔😳
Yep. This is part of why my marriage ended. I would get dysregulated, and he wouldn't know how to deal with it. I was a mess. Still am at times. Even just ended another relationship that I know was difficult for the guy to deal with. *sigh*
I'm sorry to hear that. You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
I had a friend who was actively going through trauma with her homeless, addict mom & lashed out at me one day because she cancelled plans on me (like usual) and I expressed disappointment. That was all it took to set her off and she was full on yelling at me in my own driveway, being nasty and telling me I was a bad friend & needed to work on myself.
She stuck to her guns for about a month and then reached out asking to mend things and how she shouldn’t have yelled at me etc. It was far too late for me, though. Like many of us with trauma that involved being abused, being yelled at is the quickest way for me to emotionally check out completely. I just couldn’t engage with her the same after that. The thought of seeing her gave me panic.
I personally only lash out when I’m being provoked or someone is lashing out at me first
As a woman if we can forgive a man for unsettling and difficult situations we should be able to forgive a dear friend that means a lot to us. If not we can expect to not being forgiven for our mistakes that in this life is inevitable. ❤️🙏🏽
My partner can be home reading a book and I feel abandoned! Don’t waste your life being mad someone isn’t paying you attention. Go do something instead. Go for a walk, go clean something, call your friend or your sister, go to the movies by yourself when you start feeling this way.
The lashing out followed by extreme guilt and shame cycle is indicative of borderline personality disorder. There are many successful therapies for this including EMDR and dialectical behavioral therapy, aka DBT.
I was about to express my unregulated feelings to my partner, I drank so much alcohol and smoked an obscene amount of weed. I went on TH-cam to dissociate and I stumbled across this. I’d been planning on waking him up and telling him how miserable he’s making me feel, when really he’s the brightest light in my life. I’m still messed up and want to wake him up, but now I want to tell him how much I love him. Thank you, I feel blessed 🥲
I'm so glad you found the video! -Calista@TeamFairy
A message just in time.
Had I only found this a month ago. I must trust all will turn out ok. I'm not super mean but I'm not genuine out of fear. Weak boundaries. I may have chosen a bad mate. But no I just feel guilty for sitting down and pushing away someone that could have been good. And I will never know:(
I'm still stuck in avoidance of relationships. I'm not even close to be able to handle something like that.
Right now I'm hurt and devastated. No job is a trigger for me.
Thank you Fairy ❤
When the student is ready the teacher appears.
Emotional Dysregulation is a destructive symptom your nervous system responds to stressors but healing is possible. 🙏🏽
I am so hopeful for the author of the letter because I only figured out the things she is talking about around 40 years after her. If she is conscious of all that you said (or even parts of it) and works on it a bit every day (or most days), I believe her negative interactions will become fewer and farther between. I don't know the author obviously, but I still feel proud of her because she owns up to everything and, as my mother used to tell me, the first step to improvement is awareness. I wish the author a life of consistent healing.
13:23 "actually have the capacity to hear what someone's saying"
That makes a ton of sense with what happens during that dysregulation where we're totally in our feelings and the pathways to critical thinking and processing what we hear are totally blocked.
I'm learning SO MUCH by reading about conscious discipline -- Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey. I'm in a book club with some parents and the 22-23 teacher for my middle kid and it's been really amazing.
Emotional Intelligence helped me. It gives examples. Reframing was a good chapter. At 56 I’m still learning all the ways all my childhood traumas are still affecting me.
I hope we get an update because self-awareness is the hardest part but there's a lot here
I hate how I treat my husband; I think I've ruined his life.
NOTE: Looking back, when things R going well in my life, I've had the following habits:
Exercised in the morning; usually a walk. It gets my brain in a better place; it's really great.
Gotten off simple carbs. I discovered this by accident. I was on the "South Beach Diet" for a month, and I felt like a *TOTALLY* different person! The doctor who created the diet said that your brain chemistry is actually changed when you stay off simple carbs, and I found that to be true!! It was the only time in my life that I felt like a regular person. I was on the diet for a month and noticed the changes near the end of the month. Unfortunately, I started eating simple carbs again, and my brain no longer feels healthy. I should go back to it. I need to follow his suggestion of *totally* *REMOVING* the simple carbs from *the house.*
Unfortunately, I'm not doing either of these things right now, and it's hard on my husband. I only mention these things in case they would help someone else.
The carbs screw up your brain because they cause inflammation, same as sugar. Many people report many mental disorders being cured just by eliminating inflammatory foods from their diets. I hope you can go back! Blessings.
I still eat carbs because I have an physically / energetically demanding job. That said , I do try to eat a bit less carbs on my days off. Also every day I take krill oil and astaxanthin to protect my brain and body from extra inflammation and L-Theanine on days that might be busy and overstimulating at work like weekends. (Retail) it does seem to help me, but be sure to do research on side effects since L-Theanine can lower bloods pressure a bit. I also take multivitamins that have enough vitamin D since I live somewhere very cloudy where seasonal depression is more common.
@Iquey - If I eat complex carbs, I'm fine. Simple carbs are the problem with me. :-D
I felt like lashing out today. Hectic short staffed busy at work with some of the dumbest people, stiff painful achy neck, bf went to emerge cause of strep throat and stabbing pain in abdomen, I have my own crap going on with my appt so I went to the gym to get all the aggression out. Easier said than done cause we’re not always accessible to the gym but I love the gym so much it has helped me so much with my mental health and anger from trauma.
I see the title and I don’t know if I have the courage to listen to the video and the description of myself. It’s so painful. I feel like the alcoholic. After they drink. And regret doing so. I can be a raging alcoholic and I don’t drink. 😢😢😢😢😢😢
I hear you. You're in the right place and we're all sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
I am sorry, it is just a thought, a theory. Because I can feel something is off here. Here's my take on this : I only find myself dysregulated when I am in the wrong environment for myself, when I can't feel safe around the people I live with. And I can sometimes say how amazing someone is and then realize that this person actually oppresses me. When I am with loving and healthy people, I don't fly of the handle. I am myself truly.
And I know Anna you think that CPTSD people shouldn't listen to their instinct, but I disagree. It is not always true. Sometimes, dysregularion tells us : it's time to find a healthier environment. Somewhere you can feel at ease.
Maybe the guy is great, but clearly this situation is just so much stress. What's the point? Moving across the world for someone you don't know, to me, is a sign that you think the solution is outside. That there is only one option and one person and you put this person on a pedestal already.
No one is that good. Or bad. But as great as the person seems, if you idealize them, something is off.
I really thought my ex husband was super healthy. But with time, I can see he was not and being with him made me even more dysregulated.
Time alone and meeting myself is helping me a lot. If I move anywhere, it would be because I really want to live in that place and my career has a shot there.
Love is everywhere. We don't have to change everything for it. First, have friends, have nice moments. And go from there.
That's my take. No judgements here. I just felt something watching this video. If this can help in any way...
I so agree.
I’ve been in some of those places and I agree.
When I'm triggered, I deal with it well in the moment by some deep breathing and slightly stepping away. But the chaos is still there afterwards and I feel shame that I didn't react more assertively. Then the chaos of self blame and fury with the other person. Add the weirdness of what a 'real-man' would do. Tony Soprano would have whacked them. The physical reregulation is my anchor and it's really grounding. Allowing my body to speak it's mind without anyone else being present. It's very validating and looks a bit like Tai chi. Sometimes listen to music while unwinding can be helpful.
You can do it girl!! To be so self aware and committed to change at 23; you are going to do great! Doesn’t mean it will be easy but you got this!
I was such an explosive person a little under 2 years ago, smoked a bunch of pot to regulate it like Anna always speaks about, continually making decisions to further my inner anger. I am doing a lot better now and do not have uncontrollable outbursts, the same as my mother growing up, anymore.
Not all cannabis use is destructive. It helps me take a few minutes to process & give a better reaction to the trigger. It doesn't make it better unless you're doing the emotional work though.
@@katiekane5247 never said it was. For me though, it destroyed my life for years, just pure escapism in the worst way, draining my energy and made me feel ok about wasting my life away in a bad relationship and a service job going nowhere. Sounds like you are trying to project something on to me. I was simply speaking about my experience with suppressing anger.
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel that way when I get meltdowns (i'm autistic)
Same here. They are more awful than people often understand, and aren’t out of being abusive or anything. They feel completely uncontrollable most of the time
First date post healing. He gave the server a minimum tip, and asked me for $5. I was furious. But I calmly and cheerfully said: "that was messed up" No emotional lashing out.
Great work. That’s what healing looks like. Great story, too! -Julie@TeamFairy.
Maybe he wanted you to contribute. Not a big deal. You still have work to do .
I love you. You have been such a blessing to me and my family. You make me laugh and understand that this cptsd can be healed. Thank you so much for everything and, most of all for being real!!
Thank you for your kind words! I'm sure Anna will want to read this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I learned after my sister's recent death by the hands of another from road rage as she turned down her street. It has opened up wounds from severe trauma so severe that I could write a book😢
I am slowly using and sharing your emergency technique for dysregulation, listening to all the latest science updates (retired RN) I rate myself at a 9 (1-10) scale of body illness from 5 decades of trauma now exposed by the truth that is coming out like a waterfall😮😊❤
It's so cathartic
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. You are amazing, healing in the waterfall!
I just want to say Thank You! I have been watching your videos and “contemplating” the daily practice for a few months now (I don’t do it twice a day, but I have done it…and will probably do it more!) Tonight, for the first time ever, I felt dysregulation as it was happening, and I stopped myself from lashing out. I didn’t do it perfectly, but as it was happening, I decided to be quiet and give myself a minute. So yeah, no blow up. I just took a minute. I was able to shake it off with no drama! I feel really good about that. Thank you so much for bringing attention and tools to help us. Go bless you Anna!
Love this channel. Just want to confirm for everyone reading this that emotional dysregulation really can kill the relationship in a variety of ways. It killed mine last week after 4 years. My ex didn’t care to address it though and justified her abuse by her resentment, illogically formed while stubborn due to intense fear of trusting. If you work on this though, then, with the right partner, there’s hope.
Perfect timing for this video this is exactly what Im actively working on healing
You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes, very sad this week. My life is a mess 😢 but I'm trying
Keep striving, it won't always be sad.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Even though it's not his job, my husband has developed some techniques to avert my disregulation around new info or decisions.
1) He presents new ideas or info in a note for me to read and consider
2) He reminds me right off that I don't need to answer right away if there's a decision involved.
Both of these give me the space right away and I don't disregulate. Also, over time it has helped me to remember to say for myself "let me write that down and think about it." Or, "let me get back to you tomorrow."
The writing it down is best for me because it slows things down and gives me something to do immediately because I can't usually access words if I feel that first twinge of disregulation happening.
Hi Anna 🙋♀️😊I often listen to your talks, they help and they open up what I tryed to forget. I done alot of talking and really it hasn't helped but to allow me to understand the why of my reactions, mind set crazy way of being and seeing in my life.... So it helped but didn't help Mr heal the depth of the abusive childhood I got thrown up in..... Now I'm choosen to isolated! Less painful but so removed and lonely..... I'm writhing this to thank you for who you are and being a ray of hope and light for me when I listen to you 🕯️😌I know what you offer as a daily practise but I'm scared of dredging it all up again because of a la k of support and I've just come out of years of flash backs, dramas insomnia, confusing, separations from dome if my kids.. 😢. aI am deeply grateful you are on Ytube and in this world 🙏💕
Thanks for sharing your story about your experiences with loneliness and your honesty blows and your knowledge is amazing..ln 12 days l am 45 Year's SOBER. So many of those year's sober i felt so alone and disconnected from people on this planet earth and AA one blessing i had one spiritual brother who never judged me . But l am looking forward to join ONE of your groups on line ..Allen B Australian ps Thanks 😁😇😇😇😇✌✌🤗🤗
Thank you for sharing! We look forward to having you enroll in a course soon :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You can say that again, Anna ❤.
This is such important and useful information, un the 90s and nobody told me anything and bad parenting, I wouldn't have known what was going on with my disregulation
I read this as "laughing out" and I was like....what?
Real situation: What if they see a stressful event like a car accident done by an old lady who accidentally drove into cars and their initial reaction is they got mad about how the car could have hit them and their partner (me) wasn’t attentive enough to how they almost got hit, and their initial reaction to the accident was to yell at/about the lady asking if she was crazy and generally being mad about it and having no compassion for the stunned lady. I basically was like omg, i assessed that the lady was okay and i assessed that we were okay and wanted to keep walking, but they could not let it go how i didnt handle this properly. “Go get her a card and flowers then!” She almost hit me” I said yes almost (within 10feet) but she didnt come too too close but thank god we are okay right? Idk how to handle this “off” reaction and also lacking empathy for the situation. She even said i was not on the street side when I was. She sees everything in ger head very differently than it happened. According to her the car almost killed her by coming 2 feet away. I got broken up with bc i “paid more attention to the drivers wellbeing and not her”. I tried validating her and saying “i understand this was scary for you but thank god we are okay”. that didnt work and now im having to leave this toxic home and stay somewhere for a few nights. Please help me understand WHY this person im with didnt have any empathy that an accident is an accident and she was very old, please help me understand how shes mad at ME for not attending to her and getting angry at the old lady as well and seeing it that im “always siding” with everyone else.
i commented a couple vids ago. ill recap. my ex and i love hanging out and we went on adventures and hikes in our home state of delaware that we thought was boring, we have good chemistry even still. but my ex never seemed to see things i thought as that serious. i felt he was using me unknowingly as a distraction. so he dumped what he felt about everything on me thru text while we were taking space. he said some things like "its all too much" "just want to be left alone" "never have time for myself" and he was very depressed and stressed at the time. i read that as he was breaking up with me. so i broke up with him right there so i wasnt left holding the bag again. now he had broken up with me before and then we got back together on new years. after we broke up, i basically abandoned him flat out. sent a goodbye messge and he attacked me and also tried to get me to talk in person or on the phone. i didnt reply but like 3 weeks later, he called me and i answered and we agreed to stay friends. since im laying it all out here im gonna get a little tmi. we agreed to be friends and soon after i started thinking "well weve each broken up with eachother once so since we know we shouldnt date, lets have sex still for a little" (not wise i know). now ive seen a few of these videos from your channel recently and im feeling like we shoudl stop having sex of course. im also realizing that the way i broke up and how i just dropped him was a trigger and his reaction was a trauma response. that doesnt excuse what he said while disregulated but now i wonder, what if i had said "can we just talk at your place?" could we still have been together? this week i had a massive wakeup call. shortly after i broke up with my ex i started going to clubs again. i never loved doing it but as a gay and young person it feels like the only way to meet people sometimes. the thing is, i dont want to date someone thats being loose or going out to the club all the time. i was making myself into someone i wouldnt want to date. well this past weekend i took my friends from the city to the beach for a house party and to bar/club hop. it was TOO MUCH. i didnt get to sleep at all that night and i got dragged to 2 after parties that i should not have been at. then on sunday i started getting sick, just feeling like absolute crap, im still sick and its tonsilitis. all that mess of getting dragged out to parties i didnt want to be at, not sleeping, and then getting sick made me feel very vulnerable and depressed. i just wanted a hug and my ex was the first person who came to mind. i started to really miss him this week, and wondered if it could have been different or still can. we still really care about each other and want to work on communication and see us grow, we also still want to go on adventures because he and i are the only people we know that will do that around here. hes always been so fun to hang with because he feels real, he feels genuine. everyone at the clubs or in the city feel fake or are just too much. anyway i think im catching feelings again and regretting breaking up with him. i feel like if i just understood how he was when he was disregulated it couldve been different. i kind of want to get back together but i dont think he has feelings for me anymore
Maybe look over the "Dating & Relationships" course, it helps focus on what we want! bit.ly/CCF-Dating
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi Anna, were you going to link emergency ways to regulate? like crossover hands? and stomping? something like that? LOVE all your videos and help! I'm a member THANK YOU!
Yes I was looking for these emergency regulation tools too but do not see a link below the video. Thank you Anna! ❤
Wow what you explained at about the 11 minute mark when you spoke of abandonment is exactly what used to always frustrate and drive me away from others who didn’t understand what I was saying. I would get really angry sometimes when I was dysregulated because I felt they should have understood me but I have gotten better to be patient with others since I have begun to heal.
Glad the video was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
Is it possible she will come back to me? She has CPTSD and I have autism, our relationship really struggled, I still can't tell if I was a good boyfriend but during the relationship I was so overwhelmed I felt trapped and alone and couldnt be there in the way she needed me, since then Ive spent 3 years constatly watching videos like this, reading articles, making sure I can be more selfless and I'm 100% certian I can handle her better now, I can't give up on her I just cant, Im so afraid that others wont see through her behavior and see the help and care she needs and deserves, I can only trust my self to know I love her unconditionally y'know? 😓
This is something I'm working on in therapy and CODA...
If you’re in pain or even not yo your knowledge, please still validate your experiences validation (admission) is a powerful recovery tool 💚
Thank you Anna, and I cannot express how helpful your videos are. There are so many things that are exactly what i do. I'm scared I have ADHD but like you said much of what happens is from the trauma.
ADHD can definitely cause emotional dysregulation as well. It’s one of the lesser talked about symptoms. I would know, I have it :(
Miss Penny may have Borderline Personality Disorder ~ I have it and I relate to Penny so much.
I must say the way you styled your hair today is absolutely gorgeous.
Thank you.
You're so welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
Glad to learn this now. Sad that I hurt so many people and relationships with my emotional dysregulation.
You're putting in the work now, that's what matters most :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
Girl... Thanks. Techniques and Habits needed. This talk is highly interpersonal. This KNOWLEDGEABLE testimony GIVES me a powerful game- changer.
I'm so happy to hear that! -Calista@TeamFairy
This happened to me. We were super in love and she left me a couple months ago because I would get emotionally dysregulated very often. She is probably thinking I'm crazy or not the man she thought i was but there's more to the story.
I've done that. I am proud of you too Penny! Sending hugs and blessings your way. It is not always easy at first but it gets easier.
Thanks for sharing these words of encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
I haven’t the slightest clue how to even begin controlling my emotions. When I try, I just slip deeper into negative feelings (anger) until I have no choice but to express what’s bothering me.
Always amazing!!!
Thanks a lot for the video and for the daily practice course ❤
I'm learning so much about myself watching your videos. I wish I had this info many years ago. I've struggled with emotional disregulation since I was a teenager that has only gotten worse over the years with added trauma and triggers in my marriage. I'm finally meeting with a new therapist next week after not having one for nearly a year. We'll have so much to unpack but I feel like I'm learning where to start with it all.
Love watching you ❣️
Thank you for your videos! So helpful!
I'm so glad the channel has been helfpul! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you dear, so much of my intense emotions only you explained... Dysregulation.... A name For that , did wonders for me......🎉
I don't see the download for the emergency techniques for getting re-regulated. Did I miss it? I only saw the one for the daily practice and don't see it in the description either.
I just love you. Thank you for helping us. I am proud of YOU too! :)
Best video I've ever watched. Thank you for life changing strategies; I am desperately in need of these tools. You are helping so many of us, Anna. ❤❤❤
Such a helpful video. Thank you. I'm trying so hard to understand myself and your channel is brilliant. Going to do my daily practice now ❤
Good tools. Thank you 🥰
You are most welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
I genuinely believe in my situation, the trauma was not all done in childhood. The foundation for fight or flight, insecurity, the feeling of insignificance, being disrespected and verbally ridiculed/around intimidating anger may have been incrementally introduced in childhood, but it was ages 19-37 where trauma was compounded/intensified through various life events. I’ve dealt with the outbursts, the need to be separate from people, development of extreme clutter, etc more and more as life has progressed. I trust no therapist, as I’m very “wise” and intolerant of others who are not aware of things that are quite basic to me. So if anyone presents themselves in a way where I know they don’t know what I know about the reality of this world, I immediately tune them out/lose respect. Plus, the extreme cost of “treatment” does not scream sincerity to me. Everything is about absurd amounts of money.
Awesome work💜💖💞❤💞💖❤💜💖💛❤💞💖💞
Thank you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Excellent information.❤
Thank you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Our trauma driven thoughts when getting dysregulated are identical!!!! (from 12:32) I am glad I found your videos 3 weeks ago. Life changing for me. Thank you kindly for all this information. I am not crazy, there is an explanation for all these feelings
Thank you 😊
I'm concerned that he allowed her to move in so quickly. I think if he was healthier he would not have allowed this so I think that maybe there are a lot of red flags and that's with triggering her dysregulation
I don't know if letting someone move in with you quickly is always a red flag. Some people are brought up in more flexible and generous families when it comes to welcoming people into your space. He may also have a financial situation that allows for it. We don't know all his details. That said, for my own family of origin, this would be weird since we are solidly middle class and they don't have a lot of local friends that we invite over bc my dad was/is such a private and territorial person, too proud to share our "castle" with strangers or perhaps too ashamed of his own clutter and lifestyle, or he just doesn't care and doesn't want other people viewing our personal business. So yeah, I was not brought up in the kind of family that would just "let" anyone move in unless that were helping pay the mortgage and were extremely important/family already. My father pities no strangers, and gives hand outs to nobody "undeserving" so I was just not raised with that mindset. 😑
I am falling apart on an hourly basis, this video helps, thank you. Nearly every creature known as Humans cause this on me. I need to stay away from everyone forever.
The method you describe works very well for my panic attacks (sometimes).
I'm so glad it's been helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you so much
You are most welcome :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you!!!
You are most welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
I take a B-complex vitamin first thing with my first cup of coffee.
Why?
Thank you anna❤
You're most welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
That is my nickname, but I haven't gone by that name since I left home. I am learning things about myself since I started therapy 5 months ago. Not realizing that I suppressed my anger and tears, I thought I was really good at regulating my emotions until I had a massive explosion a month ago. I cried more in therapy talking about my traumas than I cried my entire adult life.
I just started having emotional dysregulations this past month. After I get triggered, I'll react with anger, have a fight with my husband and later have an emotional dysregulated episode because I'll overthink my triggered behavior that I overreacted to that caused a fight then feel guilty about it. It's very confusing and disturbing. I wasn't like this before. I am realizing it's because of old traumas that I ignored until I started talking about them, it's causing my emotions to surface. I was handling my life well before even with the stress of dealing with toxic family, well, they are the reason I started therapy, I was about to blow then.
Ty x
Why is he going on trips with friends without you? I could see how that could be problematic. I wouldn’t be okay with that.
so True.. their solution.. they robbed me and do not respond to my communications. it is what it is. with 'familly ; like mine , who needs enemies?
Is the word Kindness ok to put in places like on a refrigerator. My son had to say to me one time under his breath he said," Ma, be nice". He looked devastated. I saw myself through his eyes. So my point isaybe just a little reminder like that by just seeing the word may help you. And if he's open and you honestly let him know from your heart that you would like to not act like that. So Kindness is an actions people can practice if they realize that's how they'd like to be treated. God Bless
I want to introduce a friend of mine to your channel who I think is suffering from symptoms of CPTSD, similar to how you have described in other videos. What would be a soft way to do so with offending them. I haven't yet spoken to them regarding CPTSD. Thank you for the guidance I can use, to avoid worsening the symptoms, subtly.
How can I write to Mrs. Runkle? I'm pretty new to the realization I more than likely have CPTSD after a terrible relationship. I would love to help others learn as well as myself.
You can write to Anna here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Calista@TeamFairy
Hi, can someone please clarify what is the difference between emotional dysregulation and neurological dysregulation, thank you
I couldn’t find the emergency link you mentioned..
Where is the link to the emergency tools/techniques? The only link at the end of the video is for the daily practice. I could really use those emergency techniques.
email us at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think i only got upset because my point wasnt heard... I told mother her brother was touching me and pushed off and nothing done then when i got older around 8 years old i told the principal at school but nothing got done then i find out why she said nothing because sister Mary Eileen shaw ( look her up) just got moved to the school after she did exactly the same thing😮 so that got pushed under the rug .. i told someone in the 7th grade but nothing got done . So i figured this was normal for adults to do . I had to endure this abuse.. i got a chance to talk to my aunt on the phone and told her and he heard me and got up and ran out the door and stayed in his car for months and then my dad told him to leave. Well thats good for me but what about the 4 other children he abused after me! ?? Then i was about 16 and at my grandma's house... I was sleeping in Grandma's bed next to her and he walked in and picked me up out of bed when i was sleeping to abuse me in the living room. Grandma found this and blamed me for him abusing me. So like everyone else.. i really thought i somehow caused this myself. And i knew its wrong to blame a child for adults actions.. is this borderline personality like my mom told everyone?
Im working on this currently but my partner... when i tell him what i need in these situations its like he isnt receptive to it so it leaves me feeling abandoned. Its creating a fear of even trying to tell him needs. I think he has avoidant attachment style and im really not sure what the piece is that im missing. Am i just bringing up needs at thenwrong place in the discussion or is there something else?
Hi fairy! Sorry I can’t find a link to the physical exercises! Any guidance appreciated!
Hi Luis, This free tool includes some physical actions for emergency re-regulation. Thanks for watching!
Dysregulation Signs and Emergency Measures to Re-Regulate: bit.ly/3L3dcCt
Julie@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy So much appreciation and respect for your work. Thank you for shining BRIGHT! : )
Hi Anna thank you so much for you videos. Being able to recognized on how to keep “mu airplane on the ground has helped me” however there are moments when I get mad at my husband that I can’t control. Any advice on how to learn to PAUSE ! Sometimes things feel so fast and impulsively I act out on my anger 💔
We understand as few others can. I would recommend you check out Anna's course 'Dysregulation Bootcamp', it covers methods of re-regulation. Here's a link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF__DB
-Calista@TeamFairy
How quickly is very quickly, that healing happens? Just curious about what is realistic... thanks
Healing cptsd is a life long journey. There are no shortcuts and some of it is horrendously painful, especially if there was sexual abuse.
OK, so probably not the most appropriate way to re-regulate..... But when I start to freak out, I will blow up, realize what I've done within about three sentences, and then walk away and slam a door. Then I hide for a few minutes until I calm down. Granted this is only with my husband not with anyone else at this point in my life.... In my late forties, I need to get it together ❤
Me too, I don’t know how to stop it
@@taratrujillo1911 if we did, wouldn't that be amazing?! The community, knowing we're not alone... Holy cow, you don't know how much you're comment means 💜
Which link below is it exactly? Daily Practice?
This is the link to the Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thx
Everyone needs to read and learn The Emotion Code by Dr Bradley Nelson. It discusses about TRAPPED EMOTIONS and how to easily release them. It's the most effective and cost and time effective healing.
Where is the file with excercise?
What is emotonal dysregation? Did you define it or i miss it?