This isn’t narcissism. This is basic reciprocity. Every time you ask something from someone, you should offer something of equal exchange in return. The fact that you make this statement shows me that you’re using “shame” as a manipulation tactic to get your way or to get something without offering an equal exchange. Your statement is actually an admission of your own narcissistic tendencies.
Agreed! If something you do can be viewed in a bad light - even if it’s giving them a compliment - they will twist it into one of the nastiest things & biggest fights imaginable. Makes no sense!
One of the hardest things of all is talking to a narcissist It is as if you are facing a hostile, irrational person, blindfolded and with a weapon in his hand 😏
To me they hear a completely different conversation. You're not a real person and they are having a convo with themselves really. If you explain yourself, you're calling them stupid. If you try to justify your actions, you're trying to manipulate them. If you defend your actions, you're playing the victim. If you don't respond, you don't care about their feelings. If you raise your voice though, it triggers joy and happiness. It allows them to meltdown followed by a tantrum. In my experience they live for those moments because they sort of love the drama being chastised so in turn they can degrade and humiliate you. Hope I'm making sense.
Yep and they definitely seem like it, too. I have NEVER met one that is particularly profound in thought. They don’t have the mental bandwidth for deep thinking and consideration and it shows. Once you start talking about philosophies or something that requires a lot of consideration, they’ll agree and copy what you say or parrot the most generic thing that everyone else says. Then again….. lots of people do that. I really really wanna hear Dr. Sam Vaknin’s thoughts on that!!
@@Supported32320 Yeah copying and pasting in real life is pretty common for a lot of people. But for the majority of people who aren't narc's. That do that it's because of some defense mechanism or their self confidence and social skills just haven't developed yet. And they can out grow it. With narc's it's literally all they can or ever will be able to do!
I paid her a compliment, she heard an insult; I offered her help she perceived a one-up attempt! Yes! We say something they hear something else and negative. Her demeanour shifted in a millisecond from smiling and amenable to a snarling and shouting rage🤔
I literally said to my ex "You're the only girl I think about" and she responded "I don't want to think of you thinking about other women!" and looked like she was about to cry. wat.
That could just be inattention not narcissism... narcissism is more like you said something positive, the narc reaction is non-realistic and based on their own internal perception of your character, takes what you said is positive and thinks it is negative or your trying to argue.
Thank you for this talk, I really needed to understand why my former Husband kept painting me the enemy, no matter how kindly I spoke to him or treated him. I knew he was making villains out of everyone he meets, sooner or later, but I didn't understand the process.
Same. It is so confusing. I asked him why I kept becoming the enemy. I never got an answer. I was so confused. I don’t think it will ever make sense. Probably because my brain does not work like this, I can’t understand what it is like to feel this way about someone that shows me love and kindness. It hurt in such a devastating way.
@@novairene6880same. So hurtful & confusing. It made me start to doubt my own reality. Yet, whenever I asked him for specific examples of what I did wrong, he could never name a single thing. Not one.
Two options: - Either that's not about you - Or he'd been implanted with an idea in his mind, that render you as an enemy. In that way it can be very potent, viable and persistent, nourished by iterative confitmations, reappearing in different shapes and forms. Professor Vaknin had made a parallel with "mind snatchers" in one of his lectures. Even if that's a metaphor - it is a very precise one.
Wow, you explained it perfectly. If, they want happy. The day is Happy. If,they want angry it's going to be a horrific day. Pick Pick, at every word, every move you make. You never want them to have what they want. You're so,negative to them. He's exactly correct. You can't say anything right!!
That makes a lot of sense. My mother's a diagnosed narcissist. And I can say I walk away from conversations and rethink about everything that I said. How it could be interpreted. So used to having my sentences deconstructed and used against me.
I have it just depended on which one i was talking to and what the parameters were. When they do tune in they seem capable of offering minuscule bits of information but ive never seen one coherent enough to offer complete thoughts. They’re fragmented thinkers even to the point where you have to ask some of them what they mean because their speech is garbled.
THIS time, I'm gonna do it! THIS time, he's s going to hear me!! Then, I'm knocked out, looking up, seeing stars, and wondering what went wrong. (SO glad I left him.) @tiffanybluetarot
OMG.... I fell on the floor reading your comment..... I do the Teacher all the time when dealing with these animals. Waaa....waaaa. ..waaa....waaa. Yes.Ma'am..... waaa...waaaa...wa.a No Ma'am...... Waaaa...wa....wa.... Great Comment....😂
Trying to step into a narcissist's shoes is so alien but at least I can somewhat understand how their mind may work from your brilliant lectures. Thank you, Professor Vaknin.
This is my sister!! Always turns my words into something negative when it isn't. Alway had to walk on eggshells with her until I had enough, now it's no contact. Best thing I have done. Wish I did it a lot earlier. 😢
Re: @13:06… indeed. He constantly accuses me of “verbalizing” him. (He speaks in cursive sometimes!) He literally needs to be spoken to with the magic words…otherwise, I must have some ulterior motive in what I’m saying, or I’m out to cause him some sort of negative outcome. Yet he can’t name a single time I’ve ever done anything like that! He’s pretty convinced I’m public enemy #1…only out to cause him grief and destroy him […] He basically accuses me of doing the exact things he does to me. I’ve never treated him poorly or even told him ‘no’ to anything! 🤷🏻♀️
WOW 🙋🏼We're in the Same 🚢.... My NARCISSIST HUSBAND OF 10 long Draining YEARS is the EXACT SAME.... It's the WORST FEELING WHEN THEY ACCUSE YU ... Of EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING 🤦
Seriously though, wonderful explanation, not just a shallow look at Narcissism but a concise discussion of how N works inside the N's head and how the N interprets reality. Very insightful and very helpful.
This has been happening to me for years. My husband doesn't understand anything I say. I have tried and tried to say things kindly and it just doesn't work. He also cannot remember what I say or how things really happened. This episode was the best yet for me, thank you for letting me know what is going on. I will change my strategy yet again but this time I will put less energy in, and maybe I will be less frustrated.
Another helpful video, that at least gives me an explanation for how someone could do incomprehensible things to me, and become the victim- truly believe they are a victim. I’ve had anyone hate me, like spit on you if you feel down kind of hate. That experience even 2 years later has really challenged my healing. The similarities mentioned to autism is really interesting to me. For years I accepted the ambient abuse because I thought my ex might be on the spectrum. Even after him violating me, I continued to believe that which is why I didn’t call the police or escalate the domestic violence events. He was threatening suicide often during fights. He would warn me in the middle of the argument “ I don’t want to be suicidal again” so if I kept talking or pleading my case, whatever he did next was my fault. When he was more regulated I would try to express to him why suicide threats are scary. That I was afraid to lose him, scared to do or say the wrong thing and that we needed help- he said I was making it about me or that he should “ just be able to say it.” He maintains I was abusive to him in crisis but I was patient and trying to keep our family safe to the end. Lots of manipulation. I am afraid of him. I don’t feel like I know what he is capable of. I keep all things related to the children as a need to know. I don’t trust myself to let my guard down and talk to him like i would any other person anymore. Something is wrong with how he processes information from me. This video gets me closer to not personalizing that entirely.
My exgf hallucinated: "die?? Did you just tell me to die?" These people are very sick and you don't want karmic involvement. If they keep it up, you'll finally get sick of their manipulation strategies and tell them to die. Then they may cut their wrist. This is traumabonding. Not trying to be funny here, but I'd rather jump off a bridge than live with such psychos! My exgf tried to hang herself from a door with her previous partner. I'm an empath and I believe in change, but I quickly determined her to be beyond saving and left her. You cannot live in that kind of uncertainty. You should leave a man who threatens suicide. I don't even know you and I probably love you more than he does, lol! Normal and decent people do not weaponize their partner's love. Even if we suppose he cannot help himself, it'd like you're living in a toxic environment with the stench of sewer gasses and death. At best it will only hurt you partially, at worst terrible things could happen. Better get to safety.
Yikes... If someone threatens to selfdelete if you don't behavior a certain way, my policy is to move out secretly, to a secret address, and then entirely cancel all communication. If you communicate at all, make it text only, because it's harder to get manipulated thru text than a phone call.
@@fjorddenierbear4832 my ex hallucinated me laughing at him when he threaten to harm himself. Then he weaponizes it. I tried to comfort him and he sent me to collect his self harm paraphernalia in our basement. I had a newborn and toddler at the time. I foolishly didn’t leave until a few years after that. It was hell and you are right about the karmic involvement- it weirdly feels like he took all of my joy, and kindness - I’m left a husk lol
Excellent video! I enjoy all your videos! Thank you so much for sharing. I have been in the Worst Nightmare of a Marriage (if you can call it that) for 24 years. I have apparently Wasted all my time and Energy trying to make it work, and trying to help him, arguing with him every day, being Criticized, Manipulated, and controlled, almost Dead now! I finally Understand it. I have been telling him all these things you describe, for years. I have left several times, Regretfully went back, I can’t go back anymore ! Freedom at last at 60 years old with a lot of Health Problems!
As a narcissist, trust is my issue,it's not because I want others to feel pain,it's because I feel under attack in many situations,people say I need help,but who's looking after me.
I had the same issue with my ex-wife. She was completely paranoid and interpreted every tiny bit of conversation as an attack on her and that I am never satisfied and sometimes that I am trying to put on a show of kindness and understanding while she can see the wolf inside me, etc… she was so vindictive and would act out when I tell her that my intentions are to find a common ground where we can communicate healthily. For her it was that she talks but I never understand and communicating with me is useless and then comes the stone walling and passive aggressiveness and the smearing and the devaluation. Any act of kindness is interpreted as if I wanted something from her. I lived hell for 11 years. Now I can thank her because it was a powerful way to discover myself and find a way to get out of my religious beliefs which led me to endure that much. This lesson has cost around a 100 000$ in assets and money. What an expensive lesson 😅. At least Sam is spreading awareness for free 😂😂😂
"But who's looking after me?" Is that your response to the people who claim you need help? As in, they recognize that you have difficulties but never actually want to help address them?
Annette....you need to look zfter yourself. I am assuming that you are no longer a child, therefore you are responsible for seeking out professional help. It is available, but if you do not do something, nothing will ever change for you.
Thank you so much for this video! I have listened to many of your videos trying to understand the things within my marriage. Yeah, when everything started to become worse I was trying to find answers and yes, I was also becoming upset with my narcs behaviour. Now after all the knowledge I got out of your videos I can't be angry on my narc anymore because unfortunately I simply have to accept all the facts. But I feel a lot of anger coming up inside of me of such parents who were causing all that shit to their own child. Within 3 years a live of a human being is destroyed before real live has started. I just hope that god will find the right punishment for these kind of parents.
Sorry you have to deal with this but also keep in mind its not your fault and just because he has a deep issue that he did not ask for its not your job to "heal" him or aceept the pain that it will bring you. Accept its not his fault and also that you must take care of yourself and cannot fix him.
I usually have to think about what I'm going to say to my husband ahead of time and get the information in at most 3 or 4 sentences or he gets frustrated and/or zones out.
I know exactly what you’re talking about, being in a relationship like this It’s exhausting… my husband died last year and I’m still coping with exhaustion and trying to figure out how to communicate like a normal person
Wow! What you said within the first 2.5 minutes is what I just experienced. Your entire talk explains this person I was talking to perfectly. The relationship becomes a double edge sword because I want to go no contact because I don’t want to be disrespected, yet, if such a narcissist isn’t really in charge of his own behavior, well, that’s where my understanding of the problem gets me stuck. Yes, that’s on me. Self analysis to survive. That will include listening to some more of your insightful videos. Thanks Sam for sharing!
Thank you Sam for the way you explain what it is they do. You have a unique excellent way of teaching to understand and watch out in how they really are. Thank you!
I wish I could show this video to someone but silent the part every time you say the word narcissist so they dont automatically shut it down and ask them if this is how they think. Like a secret test to see if they are a narcissist.
Yep, it has taken years to realise that the destruction of healthcare of our family elders, exploitation of them for huge sums of money was probably due to narcissism of the individual concerned. Nearly destroyed me too!
My Ex thought anyone who said hi or talked with him wanted to have 6 with him, even his psychologist he said. I said no, that they say hi or talk with you doesn't mean they want to do anything more. Jesus! 🤯 Not surprising we are not together anymore. His mind worked in scary ways. He also said that women don't have feelings like men have🤯 I made the mistake of not believing him bc I thought that wasn't possible he could believe that but I was very wrong. BUT, he was the most charming and attentive (read manipulative and controlling) person that I have ever met! 😅 I have heard he is incarcerated now. I hope he stays there and I'm just glad I survived.
I have gotten accused so much about manipulation when i was cincere and superised by this accusations and shocked. Also he manipulated a lot. If things did not go his way or he wanted something from me. He used manipulation a lot
Living with a narcissist almost for 40 years he never say good morning and when you sit with you in the table and you talk to him he used to close the eyes😂
Any time I was trying to talk about somthing she always acted and many times let me know I somhow try to manipulate her. If she had to apologies she would do it and then say it was my fault, i deserve this. Later on when I started to chalange such appologies she twisted story or found some oposite sample to tell my emotions or feelings were inapropriate as if she knows whats better for me then I know myself
“Now why would you do this?!” […] I find I ask myself this same thing after it all goes to s#*t. Especially on Sundays, it seems. Nothing is sacred to him.
Imagine this she was treating me as two separate entities, where one negative me myself, and positive my body hairyness 😂 she was talking to my body part, kissing goodby. She also talks to her stuffed toy.. At first it looked as cute maybe but later got me worried, since some stuff was bayond logical and real. When I asked for clarification on some stuff she was not responding
Question, the narcissistic’s mother died 35 years ago. He posts memes about her, missing her and her irreplaceability. Yet, he never speaks of her in real life. The narcissist adopts another maternal figure, the wife of a Hells Angel. He refers to her as his mother, but has never called her mom. Is it possible that he was actually trying to replace his mother with this woman, with the aim of rescuing himself ?
How can the narcissist see people as an extension of himself, when he knows by his intelligence and awareness, that the other people are outside of his body ?
You are right used to call me crazy until I actually went to my psychiatry and make power of attorney over me and wanted to admit me to psycho hospital the man is lost
I’ve been with my bf who repeatedly mimics hand gestures from movies and tv shows. It’s so odd and discovered it’s called Echopraxia. He displays high Narcissistic traits . Where does this all fit in?
So, Professor Vaknin, is there an end to this perpetual loop? No matter if there is communication or not, we seem to always be the bane of their existence somehow. 😅
Not really. They do want you to talk, as far as what you say always validates their inflated ego to the degree they deem appropriate. If you don’t talk to them about how wonderful, great and superior they are, they will take your silence or omission of explicit compliments as a covert way of denigrating their clearly evident (for them) greatness. Except for the devaluation phase: then they will twist whatever you say or don’t say as an attack, insult, mind game or attempt to depreciate them.
Do victims take on their internal voice and spew it back at them? It seems when victims react to the abuse, the narcissist doesn’t defend against the verbal degradation.
In case your self-diagnosis is right (it may not, until confirmed by professional clinicians), the fact that you consider you could be, publicly, opens up the road to healing the potential mental distortion. As they say: ‘the sky’s the limit’. Even if you just developed minor or mayor narcissistic traits, you definitely have the power to work on them with therapy and your own commitment and willpower. Best wishes on improving yourself no matter what.
omg i have some of these traits i read into what someone says and how they say it thinking they might be tricking me but i was married to a narc for a long time but its been 10 years since i escaped but can i ever trust fully? or be normal?
My ex had a lot of word salad and egolaia and saying yelling repeating random words all the time. Drove me crazy at one point in the relationship. It became so annoying, even yelling the random words in my face. It just made me uncomfortable not knowing this was a joke or some disorder. . It was as if he was trying to get attention like that but it was more like a teenager would try to get attention. He wanted the attention and if he did not get it positive than negative. Insulting random people by yelling out silly things ya sometimes someone was laughing. Mostly looking at me confused. Never could pinpoint what it was. So i found out of was a part of autism also. But he is not really autistic i think. But the staying in the teenager fase is so regoniceble for me. He was like that But also knew how to act like an adult. At home or with close friends he let the normal mask off. He actually said sometimes to me that he thought he did that because he had a hard childhood. It was because of the attention though So if i ignored it than he went to my son or even his friends. And he acted like a teen under them. So they all liked him. Maybey our relationship stopped working becouse i did not found his behavior funny anymore. I did not adored him as much as i used to do. When i was in love and this behaviour made me laugh. He stopped doing it with me around because i started to hate it. He Just went to an other audience. Interested. how does a part of a person doesnt grow up. Im not taking about the inner child and stay playful. No im talking about being stuck in a fase , in teenager attention seeking fase
Yeah to control me actually also clean me out with money with jewelry bring me to bank crap he don’t have nothing until I find out I’m living with a narcissist😊
Eu tive um ex narcisista igualzinho meu pai, eu perdia a paciência com ele distorcendo as coisas. Eu o chamava de esquisofrenico, e perguntava se ele era mal caráter ou burro porque parecia proposital. Quando mandei o pé na bunda o maluco (burro) ficou me perseguindo pela cidade por quase um ano. Coloquei ele no tribunal, e ainda perdeu. Povinho insuportável. Sumi até dos amigos em comum, porque ele ainda ficava tentando tirar informações de mim com conhecidos em comum. Se até do meu pai narcisista me afastei, imagine um namorado. Vou dar atenção é para quem me ama e quem merece.
There is a perfect anthem for pathological narcissism in this song Asmodai - Nightmare Sometimes I realize I am floating in the endless sea of my mind Sometimes I realize I am the enemy I am the ghost in the machine False reality I am your god I am your nightmare Dream of me I am your god I am your nightmare Wandering through the woods I am hopeless I am blind I feel the rush The blood pumps Through my hollow veins I am the enemy False reality I am your god I am your nightmare Dream of me I am your god I am your nightmare False reality I am your god I am your nightmare Dream of me I am your god I am your nightmare Forgive me Fallen angel I am your god I am your nightmare
Could this have anything to do with why a narcissist might mouth the words someone is saying to them as they speak? If not...any reason why? Anyone else experience this?
YES! It's as if they are lip reading and mouthing your words at the same time. When I noticed this, and moved my lips as little as possible, this just inflamed the situation even worse. When I've cornered these "Whores of Satan" when I spoke plain English, and asked. "How did you get from what I said to what you've said?" No matter which "Whore of Satan" I damn near had to beat an answer out of, always said the same/similar thing, "I don't know," Clearly demonic control/influence.
Could it be that the real spectrum goes from empathic autism to psychopathic narcissism? 🌈 the traits are so similar, perhaps the severity on each side, comes down to communication disruptions and one’s ability to manage social and emotional stressors. 🤓
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The only thing a narcissist thinks when you were talking to them is “what’s in it for me? “
THE INFAMOUS WORDS:WHAT CAN YU FOR FOR ME?... 🤦
This isn’t narcissism. This is basic reciprocity. Every time you ask something from someone, you should offer something of equal exchange in return. The fact that you make this statement shows me that you’re using “shame” as a manipulation tactic to get your way or to get something without offering an equal exchange. Your statement is actually an admission of your own narcissistic tendencies.
I’ve always been baffled by how anything I say is experienced by the narc in my life as me being nasty. Now I get it.
Agreed! If something you do can be viewed in a bad light - even if it’s giving them a compliment - they will twist it into one of the nastiest things & biggest fights imaginable. Makes no sense!
Yes! I finally understand after 24 years of Torture! Free at last!😅
This is 100% true and Golden conclusion:
"Narcissist pays more attention to what you haven’t said than to what you have actually said."
Can victims then start to do this themselves after years of abuse?
Yes. Watch the NA Healing playlist.
I think that's smart narcissist or not.
One of the hardest things of all is talking to a narcissist
It is as if you are facing a hostile, irrational person, blindfolded and with a weapon in his hand 😏
or HER hand.......
Quite literally.
I’m rarely lost for words but with her I was often lost for words but only because I realized nothing I said mattered. Lol
To me they hear a completely different conversation. You're not a real person and they are having a convo with themselves really. If you explain yourself, you're calling them stupid. If you try to justify your actions, you're trying to manipulate them. If you defend your actions, you're playing the victim. If you don't respond, you don't care about their feelings. If you raise your voice though, it triggers joy and happiness. It allows them to meltdown followed by a tantrum. In my experience they live for those moments because they sort of love the drama being chastised so in turn they can degrade and humiliate you. Hope I'm making sense.
Time to watch the video.
@@samvaknin I think that I fear that there's no hope so many of your videos scare me.
The best definition of narcissist you said is”nobody is home” that is it.
basically what I've always said. That their is just no one in there. So they create their own simulated reality.
Yep and they definitely seem like it, too. I have NEVER met one that is particularly profound in thought. They don’t have the mental bandwidth for deep thinking and consideration and it shows. Once you start talking about philosophies or something that requires a lot of consideration, they’ll agree and copy what you say or parrot the most generic thing that everyone else says.
Then again….. lots of people do that.
I really really wanna hear Dr. Sam Vaknin’s thoughts on that!!
@@Supported32320 Yeah copying and pasting in real life is pretty common for a lot of people. But for the majority of people who aren't narc's. That do that it's because of some defense mechanism or their self confidence and social skills just haven't developed yet. And they can out grow it. With narc's it's literally all they can or ever will be able to do!
I paid her a compliment, she heard an insult;
I offered her help she perceived a one-up attempt!
Yes! We say something they hear something else and negative.
Her demeanour shifted in a millisecond from smiling and amenable to a snarling and shouting rage🤔
Yes! It’s crazy how far removed they seem to be from reality.
I literally said to my ex "You're the only girl I think about" and she responded "I don't want to think of you thinking about other women!" and looked like she was about to cry.
wat.
Thing I most often say to my mother " Are you listening?" and "Did you hear what I just said?"
Wow you too? It's been a problem of mine since childhood... I'm like... I'm using English and logic... 😂😢
That could just be inattention not narcissism... narcissism is more like you said something positive, the narc reaction is non-realistic and based on their own internal perception of your character, takes what you said is positive and thinks it is negative or your trying to argue.
Thank you for this talk, I really needed to understand why my former Husband kept painting me the enemy, no matter how kindly I spoke to him or treated him. I knew he was making villains out of everyone he meets, sooner or later, but I didn't understand the process.
I have enjoyed your videos over the years. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Same. It is so confusing. I asked him why I kept becoming the enemy. I never got an answer. I was so confused. I don’t think it will ever make sense. Probably because my brain does not work like this, I can’t understand what it is like to feel this way about someone that shows me love and kindness. It hurt in such a devastating way.
Everyone is the enemy
@@novairene6880same. So hurtful & confusing. It made me start to doubt my own reality. Yet, whenever I asked him for specific examples of what I did wrong, he could never name a single thing. Not one.
Two options:
- Either that's not about you
- Or he'd been implanted with an idea in his mind, that render you as an enemy. In that way it can be very potent, viable and persistent, nourished by iterative confitmations, reappearing in different shapes and forms.
Professor Vaknin had made a parallel with "mind snatchers" in one of his lectures. Even if that's a metaphor - it is a very precise one.
This could explain why narcissists are paranoid - their perception of reality is completely different due to voices in their heads.
💯
Exactly :) we all have voices but some people, like narcisis, have havier voices
Right? Ex was always thinking someone is staring at him... thinks he being talked about
Kept door locks.
Paranoid!!!
Wow, you explained it perfectly.
If, they want happy. The day is
Happy. If,they want angry it's going to be a horrific day. Pick
Pick, at every word, every move you make. You never want them to have what they want. You're so,negative to them.
He's exactly correct.
You can't say anything right!!
That makes a lot of sense. My mother's a diagnosed narcissist. And I can say I walk away from conversations and rethink about everything that I said. How it could be interpreted. So used to having my sentences deconstructed and used against me.
If they can’t get at you with those kinds of tactics then they start playing dumb
I was always in trouble with mom, I would try to figure out, “what just happened “
I tried so hard to have a conversation with the narcissist but I just could not no matter how hard I tried
I have it just depended on which one i was talking to and what the parameters were.
When they do tune in they seem capable of offering minuscule bits of information but ive never seen one coherent enough to offer complete thoughts. They’re fragmented thinkers even to the point where you have to ask some of them what they mean because their speech is garbled.
I think its like hearing Charlie Browns teacher
🙄😂
Funny you made a Peanuts reference…! I always say dealing with them is like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football with Lucy! 🤦🏻♀️
THIS time, I'm gonna do it! THIS time, he's s going to hear me!! Then, I'm knocked out, looking up, seeing stars, and wondering what went wrong. (SO glad I left him.) @tiffanybluetarot
OMG.... I fell on the floor reading your comment.....
I do the Teacher all the time when dealing with these animals.
Waaa....waaaa. ..waaa....waaa.
Yes.Ma'am..... waaa...waaaa...wa.a
No Ma'am...... Waaaa...wa....wa....
Great Comment....😂
That makes perfect sense now. No wonder they can't hear anything!
Trying to step into a narcissist's shoes is so alien but at least I can somewhat understand how their mind may work from your brilliant lectures. Thank you, Professor Vaknin.
This is my sister!! Always turns my words into something negative when it isn't. Alway had to walk on eggshells with her until I had enough, now it's no contact. Best thing I have done. Wish I did it a lot earlier. 😢
The Hardest thing to do .... Is stick around.... It only gets worse .. there very good at taking KINDNESS FOR WEAKNESS.... 🤷🏼
“I cannot understand you.
'T is because
You lean over my meaning's edge and feel
A dizziness of the things I have not said.”
Trumbull Stickney
Bottom line they are nuts. Get as far away from them as you can.
Sigh, I wish I could help him but I can't. He knows he's struggling and empty inside but mistreats everyone around him
Brilliant
Re: @13:06… indeed. He constantly accuses me of “verbalizing” him. (He speaks in cursive sometimes!)
He literally needs to be spoken to with the magic words…otherwise, I must have some ulterior motive in what I’m saying, or I’m out to cause him some sort of negative outcome. Yet he can’t name a single time I’ve ever done anything like that! He’s pretty convinced I’m public enemy #1…only out to cause him grief and destroy him […] He basically accuses me of doing the exact things he does to me. I’ve never treated him poorly or even told him ‘no’ to anything! 🤷🏻♀️
WOW 🙋🏼We're in the Same 🚢.... My NARCISSIST HUSBAND OF 10 long Draining YEARS is the EXACT SAME.... It's the WORST FEELING WHEN THEY ACCUSE YU ... Of EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING 🤦
@@CubanSavage856 💯
Thank you you’ve just described my interactions with my new manager. And why I am leaving.
Keep on going; i went thru it myself and got a much better job.
@@stilljustval thank you! appreciate the encouragement.
Seriously though, wonderful explanation, not just a shallow look at Narcissism but a concise discussion of how N works inside the N's head and how the N interprets reality. Very insightful and very helpful.
This has been happening to me for years. My husband doesn't understand anything I say. I have tried and tried to say things kindly and it just doesn't work. He also cannot remember what I say or how things really happened. This episode was the best yet for me, thank you for letting me know what is going on. I will change my strategy yet again but this time I will put less energy in, and maybe I will be less frustrated.
Another helpful video, that at least gives me an explanation for how someone could do incomprehensible things to me, and become the victim- truly believe they are a victim.
I’ve had anyone hate me, like spit on you if you feel down kind of hate. That experience even 2 years later has really challenged my healing.
The similarities mentioned to autism is really interesting to me. For years I accepted the ambient abuse because I thought my ex might be on the spectrum. Even after him violating me, I continued to believe that which is why I didn’t call the police or escalate the domestic violence events.
He was threatening suicide often during fights. He would warn me in the middle of the argument “ I don’t want to be suicidal again” so if I kept talking or pleading my case, whatever he did next was my fault.
When he was more regulated I would try to express to him why suicide threats are scary. That I was afraid to lose him, scared to do or say the wrong thing and that we needed help- he said I was making it about me or that he should “ just be able to say it.” He maintains I was abusive to him in crisis but I was patient and trying to keep our family safe to the end. Lots of manipulation.
I am afraid of him. I don’t feel like I know what he is capable of. I keep all things related to the children as a need to know. I don’t trust myself to let my guard down and talk to him like i would any other person anymore. Something is wrong with how he processes information from me. This video gets me closer to not personalizing that entirely.
My exgf hallucinated: "die?? Did you just tell me to die?"
These people are very sick and you don't want karmic involvement. If they keep it up, you'll finally get sick of their manipulation strategies and tell them to die. Then they may cut their wrist. This is traumabonding. Not trying to be funny here, but I'd rather jump off a bridge than live with such psychos!
My exgf tried to hang herself from a door with her previous partner. I'm an empath and I believe in change, but I quickly determined her to be beyond saving and left her. You cannot live in that kind of uncertainty. You should leave a man who threatens suicide. I don't even know you and I probably love you more than he does, lol! Normal and decent people do not weaponize their partner's love.
Even if we suppose he cannot help himself, it'd like you're living in a toxic environment with the stench of sewer gasses and death. At best it will only hurt you partially, at worst terrible things could happen.
Better get to safety.
Yikes... If someone threatens to selfdelete if you don't behavior a certain way, my policy is to move out secretly, to a secret address, and then entirely cancel all communication. If you communicate at all, make it text only, because it's harder to get manipulated thru text than a phone call.
@@fjorddenierbear4832 my ex hallucinated me laughing at him when he threaten to harm himself. Then he weaponizes it. I tried to comfort him and he sent me to collect his self harm paraphernalia in our basement. I had a newborn and toddler at the time. I foolishly didn’t leave until a few years after that. It was hell and you are right about the karmic involvement- it weirdly feels like he took all of my joy, and kindness - I’m left a husk lol
If a narcissist considers all communication as offendijng it is defenitely self-defeating.
Excellent video! I enjoy all your videos! Thank you so much for sharing. I have been in the Worst Nightmare of a Marriage (if you can call it that) for 24 years. I have apparently Wasted all my time and Energy trying to make it work, and trying to help him, arguing with him every day, being Criticized, Manipulated, and controlled, almost Dead now! I finally Understand it. I have been telling him all these things you describe, for years. I have left several times, Regretfully went back, I can’t go back anymore ! Freedom at last at 60 years old with a lot of Health Problems!
What a great explanation....I have been through and tried to make her understood that its not what you think......thank you Prof Sam
They're all brilliant but this discussion especially so.
You’re a treasure, Sam. I have written a lot of inspired philosophy because of these deep dive discussions on your channel.
As a narcissist, trust is my issue,it's not because I want others to feel pain,it's because I feel under attack in many situations,people say I need help,but who's looking after me.
I had the same issue with my ex-wife. She was completely paranoid and interpreted every tiny bit of conversation as an attack on her and that I am never satisfied and sometimes that I am trying to put on a show of kindness and understanding while she can see the wolf inside me, etc… she was so vindictive and would act out when I tell her that my intentions are to find a common ground where we can communicate healthily. For her it was that she talks but I never understand and communicating with me is useless and then comes the stone walling and passive aggressiveness and the smearing and the devaluation. Any act of kindness is interpreted as if I wanted something from her. I lived hell for 11 years. Now I can thank her because it was a powerful way to discover myself and find a way to get out of my religious beliefs which led me to endure that much. This lesson has cost around a 100 000$ in assets and money.
What an expensive lesson 😅. At least Sam is spreading awareness for free 😂😂😂
My Dad was like this, but I really couldn't find a way to communicate with him that didn't lead to him thinking it was an attack on him.
Trust isn't the issue, the perceived shame is the issue.
"But who's looking after me?"
Is that your response to the people who claim you need help? As in, they recognize that you have difficulties but never actually want to help address them?
Annette....you need to look zfter yourself. I am assuming that you are no longer a child, therefore you are responsible for seeking out professional help. It is available, but if you do not do something, nothing will ever change for you.
Thank you so much for this video! I have listened to many of your videos trying to understand the things within my marriage. Yeah, when everything started to become worse I was trying to find answers and yes, I was also becoming upset with my narcs behaviour. Now after all the knowledge I got out of your videos I can't be angry on my narc anymore because unfortunately I simply have to accept all the facts. But I feel a lot of anger coming up inside of me of such parents who were causing all that shit to their own child. Within 3 years a live of a human being is destroyed before real live has started. I just hope that god will find the right punishment for these kind of parents.
Sorry you have to deal with this but also keep in mind its not your fault and just because he has a deep issue that he did not ask for its not your job to "heal" him or aceept the pain that it will bring you. Accept its not his fault and also that you must take care of yourself and cannot fix him.
I usually have to think about what I'm going to say to my husband ahead of time and get the information in at most 3 or 4 sentences or he gets frustrated and/or zones out.
I know exactly what you’re talking about, being in a relationship like this It’s exhausting… my husband died last year and I’m still coping with exhaustion and trying to figure out how to communicate like a normal person
You're lucky you got 3 or 4 sentences, I get one.
Wow! What you said within the first 2.5 minutes is what I just experienced. Your entire talk explains this person I was talking to perfectly. The relationship becomes a double edge sword because I want to go no contact because I don’t want to be disrespected, yet, if such a narcissist isn’t really in charge of his own behavior, well, that’s where my understanding of the problem gets me stuck. Yes, that’s on me. Self analysis to survive. That will include listening to some more of your insightful videos. Thanks Sam for sharing!
I love Your good mood ❤ watching Your videos is my routine now 😀
I loved it, my gratefullness is with you
Completely agree on the link with Asperger’s or autism .
Great video!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your work and commitment
Great point for the clinicians,
Thank you Sam for the way you explain what it is they do. You have a unique excellent way of teaching to understand and watch out in how they really are. Thank you!
You're basically saying he rewrites you in his head?
Yes.
Thank you Sir now can see the clear picture of what you say.Always wanteto know now have the answers. You have a great honour to teach Sir.❤
I loved the video. It explained perfectly a couple of questions I still had on the introjection process. Thank you.
Sam thanks for giving us the option but of course we love to hear you speaking why would we miss the chance 😊
I remember reading your work first before anyone else knew the concept. This was back in 2006. It's scary how it's gotten more pervasive.
I actually started my work in 1987!
I wish I could show this video to someone but silent the part every time you say the word narcissist so they dont automatically shut it down and ask them if this is how they think. Like a secret test to see if they are a narcissist.
Wow! Lectio magistralis 👋
Im sad because i can't come to Drobeta Turnu-Severin but you are a great profesor and psychologist
Congrats!
Thank you so much Dear Sam Vaknin
Yep, it has taken years to realise that the destruction of healthcare of our family elders, exploitation of them for huge sums of money was probably due to narcissism of the individual concerned.
Nearly destroyed me too!
My Ex thought anyone who said hi or talked with him wanted to have 6 with him, even his psychologist he said.
I said no, that they say hi or talk with you doesn't mean they want to do anything more. Jesus! 🤯
Not surprising we are not together anymore. His mind worked in scary ways.
He also said that women don't have feelings like men have🤯
I made the mistake of not believing him bc I thought that wasn't possible he could believe that but I was very wrong.
BUT, he was the most charming and attentive (read manipulative and controlling) person that I have ever met! 😅
I have heard he is incarcerated now.
I hope he stays there and I'm just glad I survived.
I have gotten accused so much about manipulation when i was cincere and superised by this accusations and shocked. Also he manipulated a lot. If things did not go his way or he wanted something from me.
He used manipulation a lot
Thanks God! ;)
Living with a narcissist almost for 40 years he never say good morning and when you sit with you in the table and you talk to him he used to close the eyes😂
Yeah that’s true are used to reject me every time until the last time I said that’s it no more and I just filed for divorce which is almost 40years
I used to think my mother just heard "wah wa wa wa wah wa wa wah" (aka Charlie Brown's teacher in Peanuts) whenever I spoke to her. 🤦
Dr. Is there ever a time when a narcissist agrees with their negative interject?
Search the channel for “mortification” and for “mort”.
im sorry, what were you saying? I wasn't listening cause I was thinking about how smart I am that i don't have to listen..... hahahaha
Any time I was trying to talk about somthing she always acted and many times let me know I somhow try to manipulate her. If she had to apologies she would do it and then say it was my fault, i deserve this. Later on when I started to chalange such appologies she twisted story or found some oposite sample to tell my emotions or feelings were inapropriate as if she knows whats better for me then I know myself
I love the thumbnail!😅
Could be covert narcissistic reaction to fall a sleep when you have a longer serious talk with him?
Yes. It is a passive-aggressive reaction intended to frustrate and hurt you.
I was married to one for 44 years. Many time I wanted to die many times. He died recently, l am going through a healing now. He was a 👿
“Now why would you do this?!” […] I find I ask myself this same thing after it all goes to s#*t. Especially on Sundays, it seems. Nothing is sacred to him.
I'm so curious about any links between autism and narcissism. I wonder what the future will bring in terms of findings here.
Search the comorbidities playlist.
Wow right this complex shit what saying 100 percent what seeing
Imagine this she was treating me as two separate entities, where one negative me myself, and positive my body hairyness 😂 she was talking to my body part, kissing goodby. She also talks to her stuffed toy.. At first it looked as cute maybe but later got me worried, since some stuff was bayond logical and real. When I asked for clarification on some stuff she was not responding
Question, the narcissistic’s mother died 35 years ago. He posts memes about her, missing her and her irreplaceability. Yet, he never speaks of her in real life.
The narcissist adopts another maternal figure, the wife of a Hells Angel. He refers to her as his mother, but has never called her mom.
Is it possible that he was actually trying to replace his mother with this woman, with the aim of rescuing himself ?
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.,
I’m guessing he’ll try to sleep with her, if he hasn’t already. 🤷🏻♀️
How can the narcissist see people as an extension of himself, when he knows by his intelligence and awareness, that the other people are outside of his body ?
Knowing and experiencing are not the same thing.
Yes, I understand this, but I can't grasp it. Thank you so much Professor Sam Vaknin !
You are right used to call me crazy until I actually went to my psychiatry and make power of attorney over me and wanted to admit me to psycho hospital the man is lost
I’ve been with my bf who repeatedly mimics hand gestures from movies and tv shows. It’s so odd and discovered it’s called Echopraxia. He displays high Narcissistic traits . Where does this all fit in?
So, Professor Vaknin, is there an end to this perpetual loop?
No matter if there is communication or not, we seem to always be the bane of their existence somehow. 😅
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
Any hope of healing , ever, for a narcissistic?
Search the therapies playlist.
He's your mother !!
The truth Hey Cuz to much damage I cannot forget what they used to do just damage my brain for one side keep coming back to me
Then they don't want you to talk, now I get it.
Not really. They do want you to talk, as far as what you say always validates their inflated ego to the degree they deem appropriate. If you don’t talk to them about how wonderful, great and superior they are, they will take your silence or omission of explicit compliments as a covert way of denigrating their clearly evident (for them) greatness. Except for the devaluation phase: then they will twist whatever you say or don’t say as an attack, insult, mind game or attempt to depreciate them.
What is your view of having father that is Narcissist?
Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
Do victims take on their internal voice and spew it back at them? It seems when victims react to the abuse, the narcissist doesn’t defend against the verbal degradation.
Search the channel for "entrain" and also the comorbidities playlist for CPTSD.
OMG… I’m a narcissist
In case your self-diagnosis is right (it may not, until confirmed by professional clinicians), the fact that you consider you could be, publicly, opens up the road to healing the potential mental distortion. As they say: ‘the sky’s the limit’. Even if you just developed minor or mayor narcissistic traits, you definitely have the power to work on them with therapy and your own commitment and willpower. Best wishes on improving yourself no matter what.
I was hoping for your thoughts, my 15 yo acts like this a lot. Wondering we hat I can do ? Is it a teenager phase?
Search the channel for "teen", "adolesc".
omg i have some of these traits
i read into what someone says and how they say it
thinking they might be tricking me
but i was married to a narc for a long time but its been 10 years since i escaped but can i ever trust fully? or be normal?
Beware the pessimist
No, I’m right… I’m a narcissist
My ex had a lot of word salad and egolaia and saying yelling repeating random words all the time. Drove me crazy at one point in the relationship. It became so annoying, even yelling the random words in my face. It just made me uncomfortable not knowing this was a joke or some disorder.
. It was as if he was trying to get attention like that but it was more like a teenager would try to get attention. He wanted the attention and if he did not get it positive than negative. Insulting random people by yelling out silly things ya sometimes someone was laughing. Mostly looking at me confused. Never could pinpoint what it was. So i found out of was a part of autism also. But he is not really autistic i think. But the staying in the teenager fase is so regoniceble for me. He was like that
But also knew how to act like an adult. At home or with close friends he let the normal mask off. He actually said sometimes to me that he thought he did that because he had a hard childhood. It was because of the attention though
So if i ignored it than he went to my son or even his friends. And he acted like a teen under them. So they all liked him. Maybey our relationship stopped working becouse i did not found his behavior funny anymore. I did not adored him as much as i used to do. When i was in love and this behaviour made me laugh. He stopped doing it with me around because i started to hate it. He Just went to an other audience. Interested. how does a part of a person doesnt grow up. Im not taking about the inner child and stay playful. No im talking about being stuck in a fase , in teenager attention seeking fase
Echolalia.
How does one work through this?
Search the channel for “speech”.
@@samvaknin this one?
th-cam.com/video/xWERR6Iev8E/w-d-xo.htmlsi=QG44xv6rPqzsWrkR
Yeah to control me actually also clean me out with money with jewelry bring me to bank crap he don’t have nothing until I find out I’m living with a narcissist😊
Eu tive um ex narcisista igualzinho meu pai, eu perdia a paciência com ele distorcendo as coisas. Eu o chamava de esquisofrenico, e perguntava se ele era mal caráter ou burro porque parecia proposital. Quando mandei o pé na bunda o maluco (burro) ficou me perseguindo pela cidade por quase um ano. Coloquei ele no tribunal, e ainda perdeu. Povinho insuportável. Sumi até dos amigos em comum, porque ele ainda ficava tentando tirar informações de mim com conhecidos em comum. Se até do meu pai narcisista me afastei, imagine um namorado. Vou dar atenção é para quem me ama e quem merece.
What does "shoshanim" mean?
Look it up.
It's Hebrew for Lilies or stringed instrument.
@@synchronis346 I wasn't being rude at all. Bold of you to assume. Stating a fact, and everyone has access to that any second.
There is a perfect anthem for pathological narcissism in this song
Asmodai - Nightmare
Sometimes I realize
I am floating in the endless sea of my mind
Sometimes I realize
I am the enemy
I am the ghost in the machine
False reality
I am your god
I am your nightmare
Dream of me
I am your god
I am your nightmare
Wandering through the woods
I am hopeless
I am blind
I feel the rush
The blood pumps
Through my hollow veins
I am the enemy
False reality
I am your god
I am your nightmare
Dream of me
I am your god
I am your nightmare
False reality
I am your god
I am your nightmare
Dream of me
I am your god
I am your nightmare
Forgive me
Fallen angel
I am your god
I am your nightmare
lol 😂
Could this have anything to do with why a narcissist might mouth the words someone is saying to them as they speak? If not...any reason why? Anyone else experience this?
Time to watch the video through to the end (echolalia).
YES! It's as if they are lip reading and mouthing your words at the same time. When I noticed this, and moved my lips as little as possible, this just inflamed the situation even worse. When I've cornered these "Whores of Satan" when I spoke plain English, and asked. "How did you get from what I said to what you've said?" No matter which "Whore of Satan" I damn near had to beat an answer out of, always said the same/similar thing, "I don't know," Clearly demonic control/influence.
Or, hear me out… I Think I’m a narcissist
I can't think of a narcissist in my life. May be it's me? What attracts a narcissist?
Search the abuse playlist and the shared fantasy playlist.
@@samvaknin Thanks Sam. I will look into it. I suspect I am not their co-dependency type.
Could it be that the real spectrum goes from empathic autism to psychopathic narcissism? 🌈 the traits are so similar, perhaps the severity on each side, comes down to communication disruptions and one’s ability to manage social and emotional stressors. 🤓
I like God's rainbow do you