Potential answers: 1. Hes gay 2. Hes on the spectrum 3. He doesn't want more kids 4. He has a porn addiction 5. Hes having an affair 6. He has body issues 7. He has depression/anxiety 8. He regrets marrying her and isn't intrested in her 9. Hes an addict 10. Religious beliefs 11. Trauma She said she cant even bring this issue up without him stonewalling her for a week...this isnt a marriage. I am going to guess a combination of 8 & 10. Likely 11 too.
How about he got sick of being manipulated by her withholding sex the entire beginning of the marriage? Why did everyone miss that she said that She’s manipulative
@@notreallyafamousartist695yeah, I don’t understand why everyone is ignoring that either. She said she didn’t feel protected and safe with him, why did she even marry him? I wonder if he’s gay, but the beginning of their marriage which is supposed to be one of the happiest times in his life he was constantly denied even though he made the commitment. I wonder..
As sad of a moment as this was, this was why she called him. She needed someone to confirm what she already knows, which is that this marriage is on life support, but brain dead…he is 💯 correct, and telling her the relationship is over already, is the kindest thing anyone could do for this lady. I hope both parties can find what they need in life🙏
R.I.P. to all the hearts these selfish men never deserved. Don’t settle if you don’t have to ladies.. fall in love with the one who truly loves you and you will be ok 👍 And for the ladies who need to hear it: If he doesn’t care about your feelings, good or bad, he doesn’t care about you, and he may never. Accept and free yourself while you can. If he doesn’t care that you’re unhappy, it’s time to move on. You are stronger than you think, braver than you think, and more deserving than you believe. God bless America. 🇺🇸
I feel for this lady on every level. I was married for 23 years. We did not consummate our marriage for over 6 months. We have 2 kids but sex was awful and almost nonexistent. He absolutely hated my guts and was grumpy every day. I think he got married for image not to have a relationship. Every time I initiated communication about our issues it would lead to an argument, and he would give me the silent treatment for weeks on end. It's a very insidious type of abuse that is rarely spoken about. There is freedom on the other side. You need to leave. Gather emotional support and leave. You will wither away till you are a ghost of yourself. You got this, huge hugs from Canada.
May I ask , why did you continue marriage if you saw the red flags or did he change after marriage? I know that I would never marry a man like that so why did you? No hate I am just trying to understand and also you should leave if you havnt already.
I agree. I was married to a man for 18 years to a man that didn't want sex. I knew I was in trouble on the honeymoon. I stayed because I thought divorce was a sin. I found that he'd hidden men's muscle magazines(and he himself didn't work out), so I suspect he was attracted to men, not sure if he ever acted on it. Ironically, he found someone online and walked out on me and our kids. He called me after a couple years telling me he was having the same issues with his new girlfriend (she was complaining about the lack of sex), and I was like OF COURSE YOU ARE! People need to always be honest about who they are. My ex was also very verbally abusive and not happy, probably from hiding who he really was...........
I think it could be mental health issues blocking him. At 22 I found myself resenting my gf and not wanting any sex… from her… but I’ve found that my own mental health problems were the reason. Not her. He could need help but is just scared of what that would mean for his manhood. Which sounds stupid but most men out manhood above all until they crash out
This sounds very similar to my situation right now. Im on the road to see a therapist and hopefully I can get my life together again. Thank you for sharing part of your story, it gives hope and I feel seen.
It broke me, when he said he was “speechless” and “very abnormal” that they haven’t had sex in 12 years (or just maybe 5 times) 😢 I’d love to call in and see what he has to say to me, that my husband has not touched me for 10 years. Not even once. Wtf? I need to call in I think.
My wife and I are almost the complete opposite, we can't keep our hands off each other. Morning and night everyday. If you don't me asking do you ever hit him up or just have a romantic dinner or raunchy clothing ? I don't really understand this at all. Even when my wife and I are fighting she offers to get naked and asks if that's would relax me. I guess I'm asking if there's potential that you both feel the same and both want more intimacy
10 years no touch? This is not a normal male behaviour, I mean even if a man cheats with multiple women, he still has energy for his wife. When a man avoids his wife it can be down to quite "particular" cases such as : 1. His hormonal level is way below what it should be - he needs to go to a doctor to check his testosterone, not only for sex but his general health as well 2. He is depressed. Seriously depressed. 3. He has been a crypto-homosexual all the way (today this is less frequent, but it still exists in conservative cultures) 4. He has built up resentment against you - in this case most probably he cheats, in the least with pros 0. There is zero chance he cheats and has no energy for you. However there is a small chance he cheated in the past, contracted an STD and does not want to transmit it to you since this will cause a divorce
Yeah, there is a source of shame for women in this situation and the typical assumption is usually that women are the ones who don't want sex and reject the husband, but it does happen the other way around.
I am living in this situation now. Married 3 yrs and sex twice. He ghosts me when I bring it up. He has no answer for why. It’s awful. He prioritizes business, money and yard work. That is it. I’ve never felt so lonely.
They both dislike each other and probably stuck for the kids sake. This isn’t a marriage. Speak to each other. Six months into marriage and no sex is madness.
I have been married 32 years and me and my husband have great chemistry ❤️ together! This is something you have to have in order to get married! Sexual relations is sacred between couples that honor each other and their commitment to each other!
My ex-husband would tell me how I 'wasn't a good Christian' when I asked why we had such a sexless marriage. He'd disappear on 'church business' for hours, etc. Turned out he was at a gay bar, and was having plenty of sex. The kicker was when I asked for a divorce, he tried to get me removed from the church for 'giving up on my marriage'. Nah. Didn't work.
I was married to a man who wanted to wait until marriage, and then after marriage still didn't want sex. Turns out he had grown up in a household of rampant abuse and had real issues. We didn't last. He made me wrong for being sexual, and couldn't see that he himself had issues.
I think a lot hide behind religion, when they have other issues. In the days before good contraception, pre marital sex was a dangerous business, because of an unwanted pregnancy. But those days are long gone. Religion is nevertheless a very convenient excuse for people who just don't want to have sex, end of.
Purity culture is very unhealthy. A man that is perfectly fine upholding the standards of purity culture is a red flag. Some goes for women by the way.
As a single woman I find this show about relationships fascinating!!! Who knows how ppl are really living; marriage is scary...ppl are drowning out here and they're creating toxic children. God help us🙏🏽
Don’t let this show scare you of marriage, I have an amazing marriage with my hubby - we going on 5 years but literally have the best life ever, and it’s a lot of fun to grow and build something with the love of your life!
agreed....gotta be careful out there! there are so many messed up marriages and kids, you're right... i am fortunate to be married to a good person but we opted out of kids for many many reasons.
Pornography addiction can make a man incapable of performing sexually in real life. It can get to the point where nothing a real woman can do could ever compare to what the women in pornography can do. I have a friend who is a marriage counsellor and he says that it is utterly shocking how destructive pornography use can be in a marriage (or even by itself)and yet it often gets a free pass.
It's not just that hand stimulation is also bad, you wire your brain to think that you must use your hand on yourself for sex and add that to porn and you are just set up for failure.
@@sloeberdoetIt also objectifies the other partner so it can be destructive as those addicted don't see their partner as a person or think about their needs.
I was in a sexless marriage for 5 years. In the 5 years, we never consummated our vows. I asked what he needed from me and his response was always “no babe, it’s not you…it’s me”. I was open to trying things to help but it either didn’t work or he just wasn’t interested. He is an alcoholic, PTSD, depression. He refuses treatment. He became verbally, physically, and financially abusive. We tried counseling, now we are getting a divorce. Thankfully no children because of the domestic violence. I’m also thankful God is rescuing me from this abusive marriage. I’m get to go live my best life and serve God!
I’m in the exact same situation exactly the same amount of years and I begged for 6 years then said F it after that. I’m leaving soon. As soon as the house sells.
and almost NEVER happens for females and when it does on the extremely rare occasions its usually because of things like (she's gained 50kg) v the 25% of marriages that are sexless
agreed, and that's for several reasons most guys don't realise, or want to know about, stats suggest (across the western world) its roughly 25%, but as one female TH-camr put it ''all women eventually friend zone their husbands'' @@b.m.t.h.3961
so many people are in sham marriages. I think this is more common than people want to talk about. Most marriages are just like roommate situations, and people stay for financial reasons, not for the love of their partner.
This is incredibly common. Women get blamed for sexless marriages, but there are definitely men who don’t want sex. I’ve been married for 33 years, and we are very happy and in love with each other. My husband seems entirely uninterested in intimacy of any kind. He grew up in an immigrant home where his parents lived through wars. Life was just about surviving, He saw no displays of affection, and his parents never spoke about sex to him, and also a Mennonite family. He’s very uncomfortable with the topic. We’ve been to therapy together, and now both go alone mostly to learn about ourselves. So he’s in the process of unraveling his childhood and family. Yes, our marriage would be significantly different if we had a healthy intimate life, and I wish that for us and believe it’s still possible. That being said, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He’s kind, gentle, fun, hardworking, loves me like crazy, would do anything for me he is able to, generous, genuine, and loyal. I’d rather have this marriage than one with frequent sex with someone who doesn’t have all these other qualities, and I don’t feel the same safety and trust. 😊
I have this with my boyfriend who I'd very much like to marry. We're cuddly and feel all the love, just not super interested in sex and so far it's working. Good to hear a positive story of a marriage that is loving without intimacy coming only from sex.
It’s nice that you feel loved in different ways. This to me would be my personal nightmare. In my opinion, sex is a very important part of a relationship. Sure, we connect in many different ways, but the connection coming from your significant other pleasuring you over and over, taking care of said pleasure, looking into each other’s ways as you both enjoy yourselves is like no other to me. We’ve been together for 8 years and we have sex at least three times a week. And even if it’s rushed, I know he’s obsessed with my pleasure and making me feel good which makes me feel so loved. You can get someone who’s loyal, loving, supportive, sweet AND who gives you drool inducing orgasms that leave your chest heaving and legs shaking. You don’t have to pick one over the other… how do you deal with being unsatisfied? Don’t you think it’ll turn into resentment?
@@JefferyT1991 “this to me would be my personal nightmare” I wonder if that constitutes an opinion and almost implies that different people like different things?
When a man does not want sex with his wife for that long and not willing to talk about it, he is either gay or not sexually attracted to her. If he was tired or impotent he would talk and get help, but this is deep-rooted, and indicates he is not in love, nor sexually attracted. Get out of this dead relationship, as it will destroy your heart and soul over time, as this is abuse / rejection / abandonment. How the hell did she not sit him down and tell him why does he not want to have sex, and does he want to get help? Make it clear you do do not plan to stay in a relationship where he does not want to work it out, as you need to move on, and be free of him to meet somebody else.
Yep, there is something super wrong with this relationship. Majority of men needs release at least once a week. If he is not getting the release with her than it is things you mentioned: he is asexual, homosexual, having an affair, or addicted to porn and he self pleasuring. I would like to know his reasons for lack of sex. Maybe she rejected him so many times he doesn't even want to try.
My guess is gay + self-imposed religious pressure to pick a WIFE, and never divorce. Either way I feel so sad for both of them. It was also heartbreaking to me that one of her reasons for wanting to improve her marriage is so her daughter won’t have a bad marriage. Like, that’s wonderful and noble, but why doesn’t she also feel SHE deserves a good marriage for her own sake??
@@dmbgator86 REALLY? Still on that one? I feel like the only people who could say being gay is a choice are people who are attracted to both genders and choose not to act on their same-sex attractions, and assume everyone else has the same attractions. But it sure isn’t a “choice” I could make.
I remember I worked with this old dude who sounds just like Jenn’s husband and the thing was, this dude was dealing with ED and he was really grumpy and also just ashamed/embarrassed in general. When his wife would bring up wanting to be intimate, it would just make him more embarrassed and ashamed. He talked to me about it and I told him 1. He has to be straight up with his wife if he doesn’t want to lose her forever, 2. There were medical options that could at least help him a little. I left that job a few years ago but I see him on SM sometimes and him and his wife look a lot happier. This definitely seems like a situation where, for better or worse, the air just needs to be cleared.
@@ineedhoez yeah to be fair, as far as I know, they were only having trouble for a few months, he finally talked to his wife, they made a plan and saw some specialists and it seems like they’re doing much better today
@@stillscrimmaging283sounds like solid advice, hopefully it helped him! But still, that sounds like somewhat normal, although difficult, married stuff. Not consummating a marriage for six months and then living that way for the next twelve years sounds way past what your co-worker was going through.
Men need to normalize being able to talk to other men about things like that and so many other things. So man may suffer from so many things in fear of being vulnerable. It’s awesome that you must have radiated something that made him feel comfortable exposing himself to you and it was greet you gave him solid advice instead of further emasculating him
And sometimes people are too afraid to walk away because they don't want to be single and because maybe they're 40 or 50 years old now they feel if they break up it would be impossible to find anybody else
Right…. If it doesn’t work…. Let it go…. Be good to each other in divorce….. divorce doesn’t have to be a failure…. Many years it can work but people change…. Let it go and heal.
Like what? She seemed good natured, she's initiated the conversation numerous times, sought out professional counsel/therapy. It's hard to imagine this woman is doing something so gastly it would explain why her husband wouldn't want to touch her, and yet stay married to her for 12 years. If she is doing something she's completely in the dark about it with zero self awareness or insight from her husband.
Like, maybe she knows deep down he's not into her (maybe he's not even attracted to women), but she thinks counseling can fix that? There's something she's not revealing here (understandably so, not everyone wants to air out of their intimate details online). But dang, in 12 years y'all not had sex and you haven't directly addressed that?!?
@@verb0ze oh, yea. Obviously something is going on in his head that we can only speculate about. I just don't get the impression she's doing something to cause his lack of interest. If he's unwilling to work on it I would've left a long time ago. I didn't sign up for a life of loveless celibacy. I signed up for reciprocal love and to be cherished and respected till death. He's not living up to his vows. They're only married on paper.
@@thestorybehindthat5236 let’s not forget this is her 3rd marriage though. There’s a pattern of something - either behavior on her part or the type of partner she chooses.
Caller #3 sounds like she's been lied to. Either she's his beard or a cover for a long-term affair, or the man has hated her since before they got married and has been trying to get her to break up with him because he doesn't dare to do it himself...he clearly doesn't like her and hasn't for a long time...
@@WWE2KProGamerare they though? I can’t even fathom this kind of lack of intimacy. If my husband and I go more than 2 weeks without sex, we’re talking about it. It’s a super important part of relationships, imo. And he and I have been married for 19 years….
Its so weird to see the reasonable replies when its the woman who is complaining. You all need to stop despising all men for you picking poorly in your youth.
For me it's always strange when people are in a relationship and aren't able to talk to each other. They act like strangers, even like enemies. I don't get it. I talk with my husband directly. All important feelings are on the table, no hesitation. I can't imagine to live a life like that 😢
Exactly. If my husband and I (married 19 years) start to go more than like two weeks without sex I’m like “hey what’s up? I need intimacy. Everything ok?” Maybe he’s super stressed at work or something but I want to know. And usually we will make a point to be intimate soon after…
I am in one. It happens like a thief in the night. Before marriage we worked wonderfully. My best friend. Once married it all flipped and I can’t say what was the cause.
The minute i heard “it’s been like this since we were dating”, now i don’t have sympathy for her. She knew she was marrying an avoidant difficult man. She needs the confidence and self love/worth to know she deserves better. She deserves a partner. but that starts with her choosing to leave him and start fresh
no i meant the avoidant personality (not related to sex). You need to marry someone you can talk about anything with, especially the hard and intimate conversations. He showed her before they married that he couldnt do that@@XxXPringlesNinjaXxX
They both sound dysfunctional. No wonder there's no communication. Deep deep problems here. I don't think her just leaving this marriage and finding a new partner would solve ,,her,, problems. She has too many of her own. Who stays silent for 12 years !!??
We struggle with my husband wanting intimacy for the last 13 years. I have done all I can, I have gotten supremely physical fit in thinking that would help, I take the best care of all his needs as humanely possible, I used to try all different ways to ask him or try to help it….. after two years of that, there became times I would beg, then I just became resigned about it. He says he loves him, calls me beautiful often, but if I ask him about the intimacy he says “I’m tired,” “I need more down time.” He had a physical and all checked out just fine….. I don’t know why, and he never has any real answer. I tell him “I feel like a single woman, I feel alone, I need to know what is going on…….” I have asked for years. Edited to add, there were 4 years that we normal. It’s time to stop the dance. I am taking your advice as if you were speaking to me.
Sounds a lot like my first marriage. Our sex life was always a bit sub par on frequency from the very beginning and just got worse and worse. About 4 years in she started cheating. I delt with that for another 5 years as our marriage fell apart until there was nothing left and I absolutely despise the woman now for what she put me through m. I should have ended it so much sooner. I’m re-married now to a woman who’s drive for sex and career success aligns almost perfectly to mine and she still has genuine attraction and desire 8 years after our first time.
I there myself. That's why I am here watching. All I get is fighting and when I ask why we don't he just says he needs to get his strength back. I thought going crazy. It seems a lot of ppl are going through the same thing but mines has Ed but he was in the Navy so they give him free pills. And has a porn addiction. I am sure mines a narc too tho. But it's still so rear and frustrating❤ I feel for her and us all going through it.
Also not the best followup questions. It should be when was the last time he tried to initiate. When was the last time she tried? What was his reaction?
She may be scared because he (her husband) knew she had the appointment to be on this call and she may be holding back because she's afraid he's listening...
Were they having sex before getting engaged? And if she says they didn’t have sex because she didn’t feel safe, and other aspects of the marriage are bad. Why are they still married??? 12 YEARS?
At this point I believe she would be so much happier alone. 😊😊 who needs that crap. Wow how can she put up with that. I have never been married. No kids. So happy. Almost 68. Freedom and peace. No criticism. Do what I want and get my way. My say. 😊. Wish that girl lots of 🤞 luck. Hope she finds some peace and happy 😊 days ahead. 😊
I don’t sympathize with the woman who doesn’t have any self-respect whatsoever to not talk to her husband for 12 years and still stay married to him. Let alone the husband himself. How is this even possible?
Dear Jen: Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and an accountant, and meet with them BEFORE you have that conversation with your husband. He many try to use money as a way of trapping you into this dead-end marriage. You need a safe exit strategy, including a place to shelter if necessary.
Being in a sexless marriage is so painful. I'm sorry Jenn went through this. One thing that helped me, coming out of my doomed, sexless marriage, is to understand the difference between care and love. My ex-husband and I cared deeply for each other, but we weren't in love for the last several years of our marriage. Care is not a substitute for love. Another thing, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Stop holding out for the person you wish they were, and accept who they are. Edited to add: if someone has to resort to religious conviction to justify being in a relationship with you, they're done. That's someone hanging on by the very last thread (and I would know, because I was that person).
But didn’t Christ say that it was because of your hardened hearts that Moses permitted you to give a certificate of divorce? I tell you if anyone divorces his wife except on grounds of adultery his is guilty of committing adultery. He is also guilty of the adultery of the person who remarries. Today’s marraiges are so fickle that you think religious conviction is a last resort. I’d say that should be the first resort. If Christ is first then doing everything in my marriage to maintain is more important then my life. He who looses his life for my sake will gain it as Christ says also. We have to love our spouses like the church and ensure as Christ endured for the church.
Wow, this woman is anything but direct! I guess it must be too painful for her to say it frankly that her marriage is completely dysfunctional. Her spouse sounds messed up AF. It's really cruel of him to keep her in legal chains like this when he clearly has no true desire to be with her.
Even what he says on his “good days” sound devoid of love and kinda depressing “whether it is for good or bad reasons god brought us together”. What does he mean bad reasons?!
I did sit down and tried to tell him this is what I need, I told him kindly and all he had to say back is: it's ALWAYS WHAT YOU WANT!! Needless to say it didn't work between us and we divorced. Now I'm learning how to love myself.
I have been in an abusive relationship, marriage and he said the same thing to me as well . He gaslighting you for to long and now.. Take care of yourself love yourself some one will come along and take it slow and get to know the guy and be friends for awhile cause running straight in a relationship it might go down hill it's not what you want go..... Take care everyone...........
A man shedding tears does not mean he's sincere. If God brought you together, then he needs to love you like Christ loved the church. People always want to bring God in when its convenient, but they don't want to follow what God says about marriage. He's playing games and has been for 12 years. She's been hanging on to crumbs for 12 years.
Totally agree about the no blame conversation and a reset understanding and collaboration of defining what your specific needs and values are! Stop the dance! You’re both listening to completely different music right now it seems.. you are so sweet and kind and worthy of love! ❤️
The caller has such cryptic ways to talk. At some points I had no idea what she's even talking about. That might be part of their problem 😅 Bad connection quality might bear some fault here, but not all. Or maybe I'm just a dum-dum 😂
There were parts I wondered was she trying to flirt with Dr. Deloney or trying to sound smarter than him (like criminals that try to outsmart police detectives)? Cryptic is perfect word, kinda like trying to understand what Charles Manson was saying in his prison interviews. That would definitely be a turn-off.
I agree with you. At first I thought it was her phone connection, but then I realized she’s just not used to giving her thoughts and opinions and having anyone listen so she doesn’t know how to express herself. It’s hard to know if he’s just a jerk who doesn’t love her or if she’s incredibly passive and doesn’t know how to be assertive…maybe a combination of both. 🤷🏻♀️
@@jeromehenry4484What the heck kind of call were YOU listening to?? 😂🙄🥴 Never did I ever hear any of what you described here. Flirting with Dr Deloney?? Charles Manson?? Gimme a break 😂
I have a friend who is in a COMPLETELY sexless marriage. Her husband takes serious anti-depression meds, super serious! (Lots of suicide and alcoholism in his family). As a result of the med use, he is COMPLETELY uninterested in sex in any way or type. None. But he is the most caring/kind/intelligent person you would ever meet. Over time, my friend had to simply mourn the sexual element. Unfortunately she has strayed into affairs, and it has become impossible to support her behavior. She is deeply angry at him for denying her this element of the relationship.
I know it's a bit controversial, but anti-depressants have not been proven effective in closed studies and suicide rates are higher on them. It may be worth at least talking to them about other therapy options. The medications are extremely harsh on the body and can create serious long-term health complications which will only complicate his position more. I do empathize with you though and am not suggesting this is your responsibility. It's hard to care for someone who is a victim in one way and has turned that into hurting someone else.
I clicked on the video because the title caught my attention. My wife and I have been having some discussion that we don't have enough sex anymore. Started dating at 16 married at 19. We're 40 years old now. We probably have intimacy twice or three times a week, I know this is a lot less than when we were in our young days. I'm showing her this video!!
Depriving your significant other of sex is cruel and should be ground for divorce with no partner alimony owed. I very much doubt that the problem is rarely with just one.
@@u.2b215Completely agree with everything you said. And if he wants to use God as an excuse, even God said it is not good for man to be alone. She is completely alone in this. She alao made it clear that she is trying to make things work and he is fighting her the whole way through . So in this case it sounds like it really is just one and that "one" is him .
When he said “you have to choose your hard, there’s not an easy path out of this”, it really hit home. I guess some of us have a difficult time being able to imagine and accept what comes after making a decision. Not knowing how the decision will change the course of our life can be paralyzing to the point of not doing anything at all about it, and being at a standstill for literal years.
Something people often overlook about men who avoid sex is that men who have been sexually abused have a totally different idea about sex. They are totally closed off. This may not be this guy's issue but I think it might be worth it to investigate this possibility.
Not after 12 years, this is something that you discussed at that 6-month conversation. That's when he should have put in the work to do whatever healing he needed to do so he could be an active participant in his marriage.
@@ineedhoez Yeah, I agree. They are both intelligent according to her. In 12 years she would have considered this. If she didn't bring it up at 6 month counseling or with him directly in 12 years, she failed herself.
Crazy story: my friend had a husband that had an aversion to sperm because his mom shamed him so much as a teenager if he ejaculated on the sheets so he had a hard time having sex because of that aversion (he associated ejaculation with Shame, guilt, embarrassment) but he finally overcame it after 15 years of marriage.
@@maddieb.4282you can take her victim side and that’s fine. But for those of us that can read between the lines there is a reason for her issues. And they’re likely fully her fault.
Your best call yet. I am occasionally critical of some of these calls and how they are handled, and yet I realize that they are done with very one-dimensional information provided by the caller, and it is well-intentioned to "deal" with the caller in the context they provide. That being saId, you really nailed this one. It would be so interesting to hear a follow up on this call a year from now.
Somehow I'm getting the feeling that he is a gay man who has not yet come to terms with his sexuality and trying to deny it. His comment regarding I chose you and God wants me to be with you screams to me that he his struggling deeply with his attraction towards men and shame that what he is feeling is not acceptable towards God. I can see how those conflicting thoughts/emotions would make him "grumpy".
I think she buried the lead by waiting until most of the way through the call to say that her husband admitted that he's only married to her because his religion told him he can't divorce. I wish Dr. John had asked her about religion at the beginning, because that was the first thing that popped into my head when she said they didn't consummate the marriage for 6 months. I bet you anything they never had any type of sex, not even a heavy make out session, before the wedding, and they were pressured by their families and/or church to marry after a short courtship. The caller probably was told that the fact that this man wasn't trying to touch her at all was proof that he was a godly man that she should be with, when in fact it was only proof that he's either deeply traumatized, gay, or both. Since staying married and impressing his church is important to him, I think she should use that angle moving forward. All ministers offer marriage counseling to their church members, she should have her husband sit down with their pastor together. I know in some conservative congregations, this is done with the minister and his wife together, and sometimes they'll have one on one meetings based on their gender for people who are too shy to spill the beans in mixed company. They may also be paired with an older, successfully married couple in the church to mentor them. Basically this guy needs to be held accountable for his actions within the marriage, and see that this is an important issue that can't just be kept a secret and swept under the rug. If all of this doesn't prompt him to open up or change at all, the caller needs to cut her losses. She can show her kids a successful second marriage, this one can never succeed if the husband isn't willing to put in any effort.
@@ToccaLucia I think it will expose to her how unwilling to work on it he is. She isn't ready to throw in the towel, otherwise she would have by now. It's going to take a lot more for her to leave this relationship than it would take the average person, she needs to feel like she exhausted all her options first. Even going to therapy on her own wasn't enough for her to realize she needs to leave, she's desperate to try anything and everything, including calling in to a youtube show. One side of my family is extremely Christian, I'm talking multiple ministers and multiple non-ordained people working in churches and for religious organizations. Even a conservative pastor isn't going to let this man off the hook for being unwilling to even talk to his wife about intimacy. Of course they'll try to get the couple to work on things, but I'm almost sure the outcome will be that this man isn't willing to put any work in. Best case scenario he finally admits to his childhood sex abuse, goes to individual counseling, and they start to have a functional marriage. More likely he doesn't really participate, and the caller can walk away knowing that she did all she could and was validated by multiple people in her life.
This is why I stayed far away from religious church girls because church really confuses the topic and makes people feel immoral for their natural needs and desires. It’s a BIG problem in a lot of marriages where they got married without being physical and then have disfunction after that.
She said they’re both smart people. I question that. Their marriage sounds pointless and devoid of love from even the beginning. And yet these 2 people DECIDED to not only get married but have children together! They are not very self aware and can’t even communicate effectively.
14:15 - He does not want to be married to you. He cut through the crap!!!!! She agreed. He had been telling her that since they were dating. That is a soul crushing devastating reality. She chose this. That man has been who he always was. He didn't change. Ladies, if a man doesn't love the smell of your dirty drawz, he is not for you!!! When you are their dream girl, they show up for you in a way that most of us can't even fathom because we've never even seen it. We've never seen what it's like to be loved, cherished, respected, provided for, and nurtured. Many of us don't know what it's like to have a man who is our biggest cheerleader and is happy just to see us happy. We don't know what it's like to have a man that pours into us. We can look through generations of women in our family and not seen a single good man. Unfortunately, all we know is sleep deprivation, exhaustion, being depleted, cooking, cleaning, being used a sex doll, working full-time, and taking care of the children. All we know is labor. All we know is being exploited for what we can give to a man. This is the reason why women file 70% of the time. They are exhausted, and marriage is a prison where they provide 184,000 a year of uncompensated domestic labor. That is the economic value of a stay-at-home mother's contribution to the home, according to the Department of Labor. You are an asset to them. You are a benefits package. If you're lucky they give you a $10,000 ring and then they get $184,000 a year worth of services. Knowing the literal value of what you bring to the table, will enable you to ensure that your man is contributing just as much. The math starts to math, now that you know the economic value of what you bring to the table. It makes it easier to see that his $100,000 (I'm clowning because they make 50k) salary as not enough. We aren't even talking about the emotional labor that it takes to have a healthy relationship. It is not worth it to marry the average male. He provides $50,000 in salary and you provide $184,000 worth of services. All of that and to then get treated as if you are worthless because you don't work outside of the home. So ladies, now that we know what we are worth, find a man who values you. If you end up alone so be it. I'd rather be alone than subsidizing somebody else's life. You can do bad by yourself. That's just a joke because we already know single and child free women are thriving and they are the actual happiest people on the planet😂😂😂 Find a man that loves you and shows up for you in an extraordinary capacity. Absent that, just get a cat. It's literally not worth it.
Your math doesn't add up. Single child free women take the most anti depressants, they are least happy people on earth. You didn't find a man to pour into you, probably because all you care about is money. All you talked about is money. Money, money, money. My husband pours into me, spoils me, cherishes me, works hard all day, every day, for me. He proposed with a quarter machine ring 24 years ago. I still can't wait for him to come home each day. Stop obessing over money if you want love.
So many more questions????? She said he found out about this call 15 minutes before it. Was he in ear shot? Was she scared to say thing? She delayed in some questions almost as if he was walking past the room. The way she said he would react to her questions and then stonewall her after is abusive behavior. I lived that for decades. What is his age? So many questions here. I’m guessing he won’t go to counseling. She needs to demand it. Couples counseling or divorce. This is very “off” and so confusing. Like why? What is his answer to her? 12 years he has to have said a whole slew of excuses. So what are those? Jenn call back!!!!!
it doesnt sound like it's his kids. I wouldnt be surprised if the guy married her for a green card and he's just content. Most likely he probably getting his needs met somewhere else.
It's so easy to dogpile on him, but if you listen to her, they are both at fault. Neither really wanted it and now they are just settled in their ways. She is leaving out a whole lot of things in her story. When asked what her goal is, it isn't to have sex. She never said she's trying so hard to have it and he's turning it down. No. She sits there and doesn't want it just like he does. And he's just "grumpy" and this was the third question and not the first question.
I think she's embarrassed. She feels like he isn't into her. And he's grouchy. So he isn't happy. The question is why. You won't find the answer talking to her because they don't sound connected at all.
Jenn, you told us all you needed to tell us @15:18 and following. You're holding on to the hope that these rare times are the real reality. Guess what? He's doing the same thing. But the truth is, he didn't want you then and doesn't want you now. He wishes that he wanted you, but he didn't, doesn't, and despite his best attempts on these rare occasions, never will. People often turn to speaking of their feelings about circumstances and people in their lives when those things are hard to cope with - what they are doing is avoiding how they truly, deep down feel. Out loud they say: "God must have had a plan." But inwardly they're thinking, "because i sure wouldn't have planned this myself." I'll cut to the chase. He can't face the reality that he was never attracted to you. Turn loose, Jenn.
This is so mind boggling. Most people have sex at least 5 times just on their honeymoon. I can’t imagine going 12 years like that. Like how do both people allow this to happen?
Circumstances ( when you have kids together plus when you live in joint set up and your in-laws are abusive /toxic to the core ( narcisstic ) ! It's not easy ( it's frustrating as hell ; being single is better than being in a loveless ,sexless marriage where you feel alone despite having a partner - a partner which exists only on papers ) and no one wants to be in such a situation ... but ........ sometimes you just live this life for years and years !
She was very vague in what she was saying, almost being cryptic… I’m still unsure if it’s him or her who isn’t interested in intimacy. I almost feel like it’s her, but she’s blaming him for it & trying to get permission from Dr. John to place all the blame on her husband and leave. Seriously, rewatch it, she never says anything like “I try to initiate se* and he turns me down” or things you would expect if it was him rejecting her.
Takes 2 to have a sexless marriage.. and I’d say close to never are both parties actually staying committed to each other in these cases. Either he’s cheating, she is, or both.
@@mylesgray3470 That’s kinda my point… she was being so vague & I feel like she wasn’t saying everything there is to say, even Dr John said that a couple times, that he feels she’s not saying something.
This is like the tenth call where the whole, "no sex before marriage" thing backfired tremendously. Sexual comparability is important for long term relationships. Sexual literacy is important for everyone. How do you know iff you are compatible if youve never had sex? How can you be literate if youve never read? Sleeping around is bad. Sleeping with people you are in a long term relationship is not just normal but positive.
I knew a man who’s parents where like this. He said his parents had been married for many years and only had intercourse ONE TIME… and that’s how he came along. It was on their wedding night and the mother had to BEG her newly married husband to do it and that guy was conceived. He said his father was so controlling over a lot of things and wouldn’t let his mom do anything. He was also big into sports and everything when he was young and real macho. . I suspect the dad was traumatized in some way and hated his wife/women and maybe was ashamed of his attraction to men. Who knows. But this woman and that guys mother were VERY MUCH the same. The communication is off and the cowardice is big. The pick me mentality is very strong with these women. I even had a hard time understanding this caller. Her communication is like trying to grasp sand. I thought maybe the call was dropping or something but it’s not it’s her and her wanting to belong that she has to dance around in her speech. It’s just over all very unusual.
We’re missing a huge part of this story. She did something that disqualified her after they already had gotten married and he realized it was just cheaper to keep her
Wow. I don't know anyone who could stay in that marriage for that long. Sad. But sounds like there were way more issues from the start. You both need joy... and if this isn't working.. like it hasn't.. wow I'd be done! Praying for you Jen! 🙏
Her desire to express how he chose her and to impress that fact upon him tells me he hit the nail on the head. To her, being unattractive to her husband is humiliating, so she will never say anything that can completely corroborate that. I would want to know: 1. Did he touch her prior to marriage 2. What part of her body does he like most 3. How long has he been “upset” 4. Does he come home late often? Or have any unexplained absences? 5. Have you snooped on his browsing history 6. What kind of people does he look at? 7. Who does he admire? 8. What do you talk about when you go to bed?
I stayed with a brooding alcoholic for over 20 years because I believed that his childhood trauma and my own past emotional damage kept us both from a “normal” marriage. We both were second marriages for each other, him with 1 child and me with 3. I chose him and I promised endlessly over those years to be the one person that would not abandon him. Once the kids were all grown and gone and it was just us his distance was enormous and him telling me to get my stuff and get out was finally heard. His disdain for me was painful and embarrassing and palpable. Leaving him was the only way I could see that he was never the man I believed he was. And that took a few years of him coming and going from my life to finally see all his vindictive behaviors, stealing from me, lying to me, telling me how horrible I was. I wasted all those years but it was caused by us both. He never loved me. He never wanted to marry me. He was just too lazy to say it in the beginning or to be man enough to leave for both our sake. I was too scared of breaking my promise to him, of not being able to control our outcome, and of never getting the reward of him loving me someday. He was too weak to stand on his own two feet and I was too proud to admit I failed at my marriage. It was a train wreck from the day we met and I wasted my life and the years of raising my children in peace. That’s not all his fault. It was just as much mine. It’s been 7 years and I’m still dealing with the trauma of it all. But I learned a lot about myself and whose I am and I’m a better even if I still struggle. All I can say is that it is so true that language isn’t always words. Hindsight showed me countless times he “told me” even before we married. I wasn’t confident enough in myself to listen and walk away earlier. I just urge everyone to not avoid what you know is truth and talk it thru. If he/she is not willing to do that, then that’s the conversation they are having with you. Hear it.
I have been married for 16 years. We have sex 3-4 times per week. We are both physically fit, desire one another, and have no children. I also treat my wife respectfully and lovingly. She does the same.
I started dating a man who was a widow, it took awhile to get comfortable enough to get to the possibility of sex . We’re over 60 and had some very quick one sided, episodes, he said he was nervous. Then we planned and prepared a setting that would be pleasing (I thought) to us both. He quickly jumped in and began ramming. 10 seconds later it was over. I told him it would never happen again and obviously it was as disappointing for him as me, but he won’t discuss it. That was a year ago, I can’t stand for him to even hold my hand, so at this time we’re in the friend stage. At one time we’d discussed getting married, and I’m grateful everyday that didn’t happen
Lack of communication is leading cause of divorce. It's possible the husband was somewhere on the asexual or aromantic spectrum and didn't feel comfortable talking about it, then shut down after going to therapy.
John made me crack up laughing multiple times on this one... great analogies!! Our house burned down... the problem is that it is hot outside. His announcement to the world that he is fit and committed to his gym but never goes inside to workout was also hilarious!! This tragic couple suffering in silence for 12 years called the perfect person to help crack the ice and call it out for what it is. Everyone deserves better than suffering in silence for 12 years for goodness sake! Lol. ❤
It seems like every time I hear someone say there's a history of bad marriages or I come from a broken home, they seemed to go out and create a broken home and a bad marriage? They use it as an excuse to stay and toxic dysfunction. You would think that wanting to have a successful marriage with translate to you going out and learning what makes relationship successful, building good communication skills, building good problem-solving skills, Etc. You would think that you would put in the actual work to learn and build the skill set to have a successful relationship. The only thing I ever hear them do is just stay in a dysfunctional relationship and refuse to leave.
When you don't really acknowledge and heal those childhood trauma wounds, especially from having a dysfunctional marriage between parents as a primary example for your growing kid brain to learn whats "normal", it's not surprising they go out and re-create the dysfunction subconsciously as adults. It's as if they're on autopilot. It's a familiar discomfort that's hard to break from because it's familiar. And the fear of the unknown, even when it's something better, can seem even more daunting. Especially when you have to work with those hard emotions and feelings, sitting with them, processing them, to clear them out first before you can even begin to discern and learn what a healthy relationship with self and someone else even is.
He is neither enjoying the woman(no sexual interest) neither the marriage. He very likely is more religious than he is gay, but 12 years no intimacy says he is BOTH. The truth will set you free.
she mentioned at the end of the call that he acted like that while they were dating too. What does she like about him then? what made her want to marry him? truly. I don’t get it. people with be with anyone just so they’re not lonely on paper, but then end up in these soul crushing marriages where they’re more lonely than ever.
He might have some trauma he's dealing with. So story time. My marriage had a similar problem, not nearly as bad, but bad enough, and the issue was my husband had not only childhood trauma but relationship trauma from abusive exs. He had women use him, force sex on him, and then cheat. It didn't help that my husband was taught that sex was performance, so it always caused him great anxiety. It took years for him to actually open up about all of this stuff. It was so bad that he had actually told me these past relationships were great relationships. He even believed that being abused was his fault. What broke through this was one day on a drive he told me a story about meeting a girl he had talked to online, and she jumped him immediately, then criticized him about the quality of the sex. He said he wasn't comfortable because he didn't know her and that's why he couldn't "perform". He told me he even said please stop while she was climbing on top of him. That's when i yelled out, "Oh my god, that's called rape. She raped you. " It took him realizing this girl raped him before he was ever willing to see that this stuff wasn't his fault. Our sex life has been fantastic since he got the help he needed. Many men have experienced things like this. Maybe not sa, but definitely past relationships using sex as a weapon. This can really screw a person up. The problem is we dont talk about it when it happens to men.
Yep, I’ve heard a similar story like the one you described. We don’t hear about this type of rape EVER, which sucks because some women are very forceful and take advantage of nice guys. Society treats men like they’re just supposed to want it all the time. But consent needs to be both ways! I hope this type of abuse gains attention because most males would probably be too embarrassed to ever admit such a story.
My ex used it as a tool to get what she wanted. She had very little interest in it, even tough I was young and in great shape and it was great when it happened. She absolutely refused 9/10 times I tried to initiate. A few years into our marriage she started cheating so it seems she just wasn’t that into me. I was a paycheck and a lifestyle and nothing more.
@@mylesgray3470 I'm sorry to hear that. You are a handsome man. I hope you've healed from that and found a healthy relationship if that is what you desired. The morality level in Americans in general seems to be on a steep decline.
@@TheEnigmaticmuse Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say! I absolutely did find someone who is really happy and enthusiastic to be with me. After 7 years dating we did get married. I really should have left my ex so much sooner but was stuck in the mud for most of the 9 years we were married, thinking we just had to work it out. Sometimes moving on is the right thing.
John needed to ask more questions. Why is she still there, and why did they even get married, and if they only even had sex 5 times, then how does she have multiple kids? Was either one a virgin?
Maybe he was SEXUALLY ABUSED. No one bothers to ask this about men. My husband experienced emotional incest from his mother. It took him YEARS to get to that root, and that was with my help and research and the work of therapists.
@@Kat00000 Things like a mother wearing a white dress to her son's wedding, or trying to drive off the girls he's dating. Sadly an increasing and super creepy trend.
After 9 years of sexless marriage my ex finally confessed to me that he was sexually abused by a relative as a child. The trauma spilled over into all areas of his life, especially the bedroom. He wouldn't seek help and we're divorced now. This is a very real problem.
@@Kat00000it's exactly what it sounds like. But instead of having sexual relationship with your child you have an emotional adult relationship with your child. You fill your need for adult relationalship connection using your child.
His reasons for not participating don't change the reality. As an adult who enters into a relationship, it's your responsibility to work through your s*** so you can show up for your partner. It's tough, and it's hard but you have to show up. At the very least, if you can't show up sexually, you can show up in other ways. Being an a****** to your partner and not having sex with them it's just too much
Why did they even get married? She said it was like this even back when they were dating! Why would two people marry when they're already not getting along?
@@TexasGal. Since he uses religion as the only reason he hasn't divorced her, I'm guessing he's extremely religious and they didn't have any physical intimacy before marriage. I think it's fine to not have intercourse before marriage if that's what you want, but you should be very suspicious if you're with a man who isn't trying to initiate any physical contact and doesn't seem attracted to you. I wish John would have pressed her for more details on that, I bet his lack of attraction was obvious from day one and she chose to ignore it for some reason.
@@The-Oneness11 Yeah, that's my guess, but we don't technically know that from what was explained in the call. People don't count premarital sex as consummation.
Would be curious to know how there sex life was with partners prior to them meeting each other. Or were they both virgins when they met. Lots of questions with this call. Their marriage feels like one of those arranged marriages.
She needs to have a serious talk with him about this issue. The more she keeps quiet about this, the worse it will get. If he hears her out and solves this issue then great, but if he has a negative reaction towards her concerns, then that’s grounds for divorce.
I can relate. Been married almost 5 years and haven’t had sex in almost a year. Even before, we’d have sex maybe once a month, but it’s very robotic and no intimate emotional connection. It’s the worst and I’ve been contemplating divorce for a while. Idk what to do.
Same here. It's just so weird. Does your partner have any erectile dysfunction issues? Mine does, along with several other health issue, so it feels wrong of me even thinking about thism
@@anam.aria. sorry for the late reply. I’m honestly not sure if he has ED. But now that I’m thinking about it, he sometimes doesn’t care to finish/climax. I feel strange when I’m ready to stop and he hasn’t fulfilled the mission. Im thinking he may be asexual. We still haven’t been intimate since my initial post. It’s frustrating and I’m having a ton of resentment
@@OnjelieMarie tbh I’m kinda scared to leave. I think if I do leave, What if I don’t find someone to fulfill me or give me complete happiness. I feel stuck in a repetitious cycle.
I agree. I think he is manipulating her. I wouldn't at all be surprised if he wasn't a poor sex abuse victim but rather was a complete and total narcissist
Dig out the backyard, check the basement, put a tag on his car, get the passwords to everything. Where’s her self preservation? He could be in the gae mafia.
Lol, he's batting for the other team, or he has a full other relationship on the side, or both, no doubt about it. I mean, come on, 12 years, and they've had as much sex as most ppl do in a week (or a day for some of y'all out there)?!?
@@Morenita570Totally agree. There is nothing more confidence killing than someone who refuses sex to you only to go get it from someone else (in my experience, those others were not even good looking people) but it helps to know and make peace with ending the relationship and moving on to someone who you align with.
It’s been more than 12 years since my husband and I had sex, and a big huge problem of it is he has depression and some ED problems that he will not go to a doctor to address. maybe that’s what’s going on with this guy? I guess there’s always a possibility that he could be gay and he hasn’t addressed that with himself too.
I'm sad to learn she's been suffering through this pain during her marriage for 12 years. Also, I'm glad to hear she's in therapy to assist her in dealing with this situation. I believe he is either having an affair, no sexual attraction to his wife, addicted to porn/masterbation, or is an undercover homosexual. I would engage a Private Investigator to investigate this unusual behavior. Be prepared to receive the investigator's final discovery report, good or bad. Then make decisions along with your therapist about how to move forward in life with or without your husband. God bless you.❤
Wrangling with my Wife about this now - declining for the last 15-17 years, nothing for the last 7, won't even kiss me - avoids all close physical intimacy - zero discussion, just went away. She withdrew due to burn out and emotional load / stress and I was working 70-90 hours a week while she stayed at home with the kids - but she is now in Perimenopause for going on 10 years and zero libido, no touch.... I am just at a loss. She is so angry now and that is unlike her.
I’m really sorry to hear that. I’m a woman with a low libido so I understand your wife’s feelings. However, when you’re married I think you should recognize that your partner is committed to you and you alone. Therefore, needs have to be met on both ends. If you don’t mind me asking, has she given any reason for this?
Go to counciling. Premenopausal is a difficult stage in any woman life. I am sure she even hates herself and dislikes her anger and resentment. You were working hard for your family the same way she was working hard looking after the kids. You both now deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labour. Forgive each other and start fresh. Take each day at time. Be gentle with your approach. Keep complementing her one day she will soften. She is just in defence mode and now she doesn’t know how to cater to you at all.
@@distorbia20 We are starting counseling in 2 weeks. We do have a good dialogue, but she lays everything at my feet and attempts the DARVO routine - I called her out for the reversal attempts, and kept our disagreement civil. I at least received commitment that we will work through it - so the discussion is at least open - but the physical stonewalling is still an issue. She is so oppositional to any suggestion of seeing a menopause specialist, wants to make it about me trying to control her instead of it really being about receiving supportive care. I stopped playing the defensive game about this, and refuse to give into that perspective. She's a mess and needs to get it at least manageable.
@@Mel-zv1gf Burnout, stress, Perimenopause loss of all libido and painful intercourse (not mentioned for 7 years - just no reason, withdrawn without discussion, hasn't even mentioned it to her OBGYN). I told her she needs to discuss it with him as a quality of life issue, and it should be addressed - she is offended and mad that I am trying to "fix her", and says it's not something to be fixed, it's completely natural. No way around that way of thinking.
This sounds exactly like a friend of mines marriage and she didn't realize that she had married a gay man. He didn't understand that he was gay it wasn't that he was trying to hide it. He was just trying to be "normal" as his parent's called it, like everyone else because that's what his parents expected of him.
that's a good point, "if you (now) walk away (from me needing this conversation) I will understand that you want this marriage to be over"...you've got to be present"
![ละลาย (LALALYE) - DAOU PITTAYA ต้าห์อู๋ พิทยา [OFFICIAL MV]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/wo6r9TgausI/mqdefault.jpg)
Potential answers:
1. Hes gay
2. Hes on the spectrum
3. He doesn't want more kids
4. He has a porn addiction
5. Hes having an affair
6. He has body issues
7. He has depression/anxiety
8. He regrets marrying her and isn't intrested in her
9. Hes an addict
10. Religious beliefs
11. Trauma
She said she cant even bring this issue up without him stonewalling her for a week...this isnt a marriage. I am going to guess a combination of 8 & 10. Likely 11 too.
Another one for the list is that he might have been sexually abused at one point.
@@DevjKaiserthat probably falls under trauma, but definitely
@@DevjKaiser Yes thats under trauma
How about he got sick of being manipulated by her withholding sex the entire beginning of the marriage? Why did everyone miss that she said that
She’s manipulative
@@notreallyafamousartist695yeah, I don’t understand why everyone is ignoring that either. She said she didn’t feel protected and safe with him, why did she even marry him? I wonder if he’s gay, but the beginning of their marriage which is supposed to be one of the happiest times in his life he was constantly denied even though he made the commitment. I wonder..
When he told her “he doesn’t want to be married to you” I could feel her heart drop 💔
Yeah, I felt that too...
After he said that , my next call , would not have been this show ..but to a divorce lawyer
As sad of a moment as this was, this was why she called him. She needed someone to confirm what she already knows, which is that this marriage is on life support, but brain dead…he is 💯 correct, and telling her the relationship is over already, is the kindest thing anyone could do for this lady. I hope both parties can find what they need in life🙏
Yes and she can't say anything cause her husband knows she's on the phone
R.I.P. to all the hearts these selfish men never deserved. Don’t settle if you don’t have to ladies.. fall in love with the one who truly loves you and you will be ok 👍
And for the ladies who need to hear it:
If he doesn’t care about your feelings, good or bad, he doesn’t care about you, and he may never. Accept and free yourself while you can.
If he doesn’t care that you’re unhappy, it’s time to move on.
You are stronger than you think, braver than you think, and more deserving than you believe. God bless America. 🇺🇸
I feel for this lady on every level. I was married for 23 years. We did not consummate our marriage for over 6 months. We have 2 kids but sex was awful and almost nonexistent. He absolutely hated my guts and was grumpy every day. I think he got married for image not to have a relationship. Every time I initiated communication about our issues it would lead to an argument, and he would give me the silent treatment for weeks on end. It's a very insidious type of abuse that is rarely spoken about. There is freedom on the other side.
You need to leave. Gather emotional support and leave. You will wither away till you are a ghost of yourself. You got this, huge hugs from Canada.
May I ask , why did you continue marriage if you saw the red flags or did he change after marriage?
I know that I would never marry a man like that so why did you? No hate I am just trying to understand and also you should leave if you havnt already.
Girl, just by your own description of events, he wasn't into women. Sorry you wasted so much of your life like that.
I agree. I was married to a man for 18 years to a man that didn't want sex. I knew I was in trouble on the honeymoon. I stayed because I thought divorce was a sin. I found that he'd hidden men's muscle magazines(and he himself didn't work out), so I suspect he was attracted to men, not sure if he ever acted on it. Ironically, he found someone online and walked out on me and our kids. He called me after a couple years telling me he was having the same issues with his new girlfriend (she was complaining about the lack of sex), and I was like OF COURSE YOU ARE! People need to always be honest about who they are. My ex was also very verbally abusive and not happy, probably from hiding who he really was...........
I think it could be mental health issues blocking him. At 22 I found myself resenting my gf and not wanting any sex… from her… but I’ve found that my own mental health problems were the reason. Not her. He could need help but is just scared of what that would mean for his manhood. Which sounds stupid but most men out manhood above all until they crash out
This sounds very similar to my situation right now. Im on the road to see a therapist and hopefully I can get my life together again. Thank you for sharing part of your story, it gives hope and I feel seen.
2:17 This pause is so long I thought my internet connection was interrupted.
SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omggg meee tooooo!! 😅😅
Same lol
His blinking and eye movements was the only indication that it wasn’t a connection issue 😂😂
Right! I looked up from my food to see if I needed to skip an add 🤦🏾♀️
It broke me, when he said he was “speechless” and “very abnormal” that they haven’t had sex in 12 years (or just maybe 5 times) 😢 I’d love to call in and see what he has to say to me, that my husband has not touched me for 10 years. Not even once. Wtf? I need to call in I think.
😢 So sorry. That must be so hard.
How old are you? How long have you been married?
My wife and I are almost the complete opposite, we can't keep our hands off each other. Morning and night everyday. If you don't me asking do you ever hit him up or just have a romantic dinner or raunchy clothing ? I don't really understand this at all. Even when my wife and I are fighting she offers to get naked and asks if that's would relax me. I guess I'm asking if there's potential that you both feel the same and both want more intimacy
Yeah, that's very abnormal. Deep down you know it too
10 years no touch? This is not a normal male behaviour, I mean even if a man cheats with multiple women, he still has energy for his wife. When a man avoids his wife it can be down to quite "particular" cases such as :
1. His hormonal level is way below what it should be - he needs to go to a doctor to check his testosterone, not only for sex but his general health as well
2. He is depressed. Seriously depressed.
3. He has been a crypto-homosexual all the way (today this is less frequent, but it still exists in conservative cultures)
4. He has built up resentment against you - in this case most probably he cheats, in the least with pros
0. There is zero chance he cheats and has no energy for you. However there is a small chance he cheated in the past, contracted an STD and does not want to transmit it to you since this will cause a divorce
Sexless marriage with the husband withholding is a LOT more common than people may think. We as women are just hesitant to discuss it.
Mmmmm make sure your husband isn't interested in men... because girl...
Really? Oh wow.
Absolutely. It happened to me and it’s emotionally crushing
Yeah, there is a source of shame for women in this situation and the typical assumption is usually that women are the ones who don't want sex and reject the husband, but it does happen the other way around.
I am living in this situation now. Married 3 yrs and sex twice. He ghosts me when I bring it up. He has no answer for why. It’s awful. He prioritizes business, money and yard work. That is it. I’ve never felt so lonely.
They both dislike each other and probably stuck for the kids sake. This isn’t a marriage. Speak to each other. Six months into marriage and no sex is madness.
I'm guessing sex 5 times over 12 years didn't equate to kids...😅
Why? I haven't had sex with my girlfriend in 6 months.
@@CrystalM1917you may guess wrong. Marriages like this are out there. And usually one spouse is very sad about it.
I have been married 32 years and me and my husband have great chemistry ❤️ together! This is something you have to have in order to get married! Sexual relations is sacred between couples that honor each other and their commitment to each other!
You have to go through it to understand why we end up in it so long. We just don't get it. It's tricky what they do.
My ex-husband would tell me how I 'wasn't a good Christian' when I asked why we had such a sexless marriage. He'd disappear on 'church business' for hours, etc.
Turned out he was at a gay bar, and was having plenty of sex. The kicker was when I asked for a divorce, he tried to get me removed from the church for 'giving up on my marriage'. Nah. Didn't work.
Good you made it out. And you know it wasn’t you.
Wow…. What an AH!!! Glad you left and I hope you are happier than EVERRRRR!!!!!
ya thats pretty messed up.
😮
Well they say (both Gay and Bisexual men!) that Gay sex is good sex...so, according to them why not engage in more "good gay sex"!?...
She doesn't even know how to begin to communicate. It feels like she was stopped/ shut down everytime she tried and now only air comes out
She needs to improve her communication style if she hopes to have productive conversations with her husband.
I think there is way more to their marriage and she seems a bit sketchy. I would bet there is a whole other side to “ her story”.
There were red flags before they married and both made the poor choice to get married.
@@cassieroseberry3656I second that. She has some strange idiosyncrasies that I can't decipher but they're there.
Exactly. I was like she can’t even communicate to dr John on what is going on lol
I was married to a man who wanted to wait until marriage, and then after marriage still didn't want sex. Turns out he had grown up in a household of rampant abuse and had real issues. We didn't last. He made me wrong for being sexual, and couldn't see that he himself had issues.
Damaged goods. Should never marry.
I think a lot hide behind religion, when they have other issues.
In the days before good contraception, pre marital sex was a dangerous business, because of an unwanted pregnancy.
But those days are long gone.
Religion is nevertheless a very convenient excuse for people who just don't want to have sex, end of.
@@emmajones8590 Those days are not "long gone" honey. Dating apps are FILLED with young, hot single mothers. What are you talking about? LOL
Purity culture is very unhealthy. A man that is perfectly fine upholding the standards of purity culture is a red flag. Some goes for women by the way.
It is sad to say, but this is a red flag for me now. Some men use religion as way to hide the fact that they are gay or bisexual.
As a single woman I find this show about relationships fascinating!!! Who knows how ppl are really living; marriage is scary...ppl are drowning out here and they're creating toxic children. God help us🙏🏽
Don’t let this show scare you of marriage, I have an amazing marriage with my hubby - we going on 5 years but literally have the best life ever, and it’s a lot of fun to grow and build something with the love of your life!
agreed....gotta be careful out there! there are so many messed up marriages and kids, you're right... i am fortunate to be married to a good person but we opted out of kids for many many reasons.
@@angelicadelashmette803I bet you don't have kids
@@angelicadelashmette803 Update us 10 years from now.
Remember only people struggling are calling the show so your getting a very narrow view of relationships
Pornography addiction can make a man incapable of performing sexually in real life. It can get to the point where nothing a real woman can do could ever compare to what the women in pornography can do. I have a friend who is a marriage counsellor and he says that it is utterly shocking how destructive pornography use can be in a marriage (or even by itself)and yet it often gets a free pass.
It's not just that hand stimulation is also bad, you wire your brain to think that you must use your hand on yourself for sex and add that to porn and you are just set up for failure.
Sex is not only about acrobacy and top performance it is the most about intimacy and that's where porn comes in totally wrong.
@@sloeberdoetIt also objectifies the other partner so it can be destructive as those addicted don't see their partner as a person or think about their needs.
That was my first thought. Might be porn addiction.
Marriage roommates couple 😢
I was in a sexless marriage for 5 years. In the 5 years, we never consummated our vows. I asked what he needed from me and his response was always “no babe, it’s not you…it’s me”. I was open to trying things to help but it either didn’t work or he just wasn’t interested.
He is an alcoholic, PTSD, depression. He refuses treatment.
He became verbally, physically, and financially abusive. We tried counseling, now we are getting a divorce. Thankfully no children because of the domestic violence. I’m also thankful God is rescuing me from this abusive marriage. I’m get to go live my best life and serve God!
Wow that’s my story too , I put on weight because of low esteem :(
Get saved. Both need Jesus
5 years
@@user-wh9sn I’m so sorry. 😢
@@caitlinjohnny3828 I’m a child of God 🙌🏻
I’m in the exact same situation exactly the same amount of years and I begged for 6 years then said F it after that. I’m leaving soon. As soon as the house sells.
Being rejected sexually from your partner hits extra hard for a female
Yep
and almost NEVER happens for females and when it does on the extremely rare occasions its usually because of things like (she's gained 50kg) v the 25% of marriages that are sexless
lol... wonder why.
@@MgtowfreedomIt's actually more common now
agreed, and that's for several reasons most guys don't realise, or want to know about, stats suggest (across the western world) its roughly 25%, but as one female TH-camr put it ''all women eventually friend zone their husbands'' @@b.m.t.h.3961
so many people are in sham marriages. I think this is more common than people want to talk about. Most marriages are just like roommate situations, and people stay for financial reasons, not for the love of their partner.
This is incredibly common. Women get blamed for sexless marriages, but there are definitely men who don’t want sex. I’ve been married for 33 years, and we are very happy and in love with each other. My husband seems entirely uninterested in intimacy of any kind. He grew up in an immigrant home where his parents lived through wars. Life was just about surviving, He saw no displays of affection, and his parents never spoke about sex to him, and also a Mennonite family. He’s very uncomfortable with the topic. We’ve been to therapy together, and now both go alone mostly to learn about ourselves. So he’s in the process of unraveling his childhood and family. Yes, our marriage would be significantly different if we had a healthy intimate life, and I wish that for us and believe it’s still possible. That being said, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He’s kind, gentle, fun, hardworking, loves me like crazy, would do anything for me he is able to, generous, genuine, and loyal. I’d rather have this marriage than one with frequent sex with someone who doesn’t have all these other qualities, and I don’t feel the same safety and trust. 😊
I can relate..there are so many More important things than just having sex & sex doesn't always=intimacy
I have this with my boyfriend who I'd very much like to marry. We're cuddly and feel all the love, just not super interested in sex and so far it's working. Good to hear a positive story of a marriage that is loving without intimacy coming only from sex.
It’s nice that you feel loved in different ways. This to me would be my personal nightmare. In my opinion, sex is a very important part of a relationship. Sure, we connect in many different ways, but the connection coming from your significant other pleasuring you over and over, taking care of said pleasure, looking into each other’s ways as you both enjoy yourselves is like no other to me. We’ve been together for 8 years and we have sex at least three times a week. And even if it’s rushed, I know he’s obsessed with my pleasure and making me feel good which makes me feel so loved. You can get someone who’s loyal, loving, supportive, sweet AND who gives you drool inducing orgasms that leave your chest heaving and legs shaking. You don’t have to pick one over the other… how do you deal with being unsatisfied? Don’t you think it’ll turn into resentment?
@@mags2847we are not all the same. You feel the way you do while another person may feel the complete opposite
@@JefferyT1991 “this to me would be my personal nightmare” I wonder if that constitutes an opinion and almost implies that different people like different things?
When a man does not want sex with his wife for that long and not willing to talk about it, he is either gay or not sexually attracted to her. If he was tired or impotent he would talk and get help, but this is deep-rooted, and indicates he is not in love, nor sexually attracted. Get out of this dead relationship, as it will destroy your heart and soul over time, as this is abuse / rejection / abandonment. How the hell did she not sit him down and tell him why does he not want to have sex, and does he want to get help? Make it clear you do do not plan to stay in a relationship where he does not want to work it out, as you need to move on, and be free of him to meet somebody else.
Yep, there is something super wrong with this relationship. Majority of men needs release at least once a week. If he is not getting the release with her than it is things you mentioned: he is asexual, homosexual, having an affair, or addicted to porn and he self pleasuring. I would like to know his reasons for lack of sex. Maybe she rejected him so many times he doesn't even want to try.
My guess is gay + self-imposed religious pressure to pick a WIFE, and never divorce. Either way I feel so sad for both of them.
It was also heartbreaking to me that one of her reasons for wanting to improve her marriage is so her daughter won’t have a bad marriage. Like, that’s wonderful and noble, but why doesn’t she also feel SHE deserves a good marriage for her own sake??
Being gay is a choice.
John Deloney's face is priceless. John has to work on his poker face.
@@dmbgator86 REALLY? Still on that one? I feel like the only people who could say being gay is a choice are people who are attracted to both genders and choose not to act on their same-sex attractions, and assume everyone else has the same attractions. But it sure isn’t a “choice” I could make.
I remember I worked with this old dude who sounds just like Jenn’s husband and the thing was, this dude was dealing with ED and he was really grumpy and also just ashamed/embarrassed in general. When his wife would bring up wanting to be intimate, it would just make him more embarrassed and ashamed. He talked to me about it and I told him 1. He has to be straight up with his wife if he doesn’t want to lose her forever, 2. There were medical options that could at least help him a little. I left that job a few years ago but I see him on SM sometimes and him and his wife look a lot happier. This definitely seems like a situation where, for better or worse, the air just needs to be cleared.
Yes, I will be willing to work with my partner but I'm not doing 12 years.
@@ineedhoez yeah to be fair, as far as I know, they were only having trouble for a few months, he finally talked to his wife, they made a plan and saw some specialists and it seems like they’re doing much better today
That was excellent advice you gave him.
@@stillscrimmaging283sounds like solid advice, hopefully it helped him! But still, that sounds like somewhat normal, although difficult, married stuff. Not consummating a marriage for six months and then living that way for the next twelve years sounds way past what your co-worker was going through.
Men need to normalize being able to talk to other men about things like that and so many other things. So man may suffer from so many things in fear of being vulnerable. It’s awesome that you must have radiated something that made him feel comfortable exposing himself to you and it was greet you gave him solid advice instead of further emasculating him
People try so hard to make marriages work but sometimes they just don’t. Divorce is not the end of the world.
And sometimes people are too afraid to walk away because they don't want to be single and because maybe they're 40 or 50 years old now they feel if they break up it would be impossible to find anybody else
I'm very pro marriage and I still agree with you!!
Right…. If it doesn’t work…. Let it go…. Be good to each other in divorce….. divorce doesn’t have to be a failure…. Many years it can work but people change…. Let it go and heal.
Agree
👀
I'm getting a real strong "There is another side to this story" vibe.
Like what? She seemed good natured, she's initiated the conversation numerous times, sought out professional counsel/therapy. It's hard to imagine this woman is doing something so gastly it would explain why her husband wouldn't want to touch her, and yet stay married to her for 12 years. If she is doing something she's completely in the dark about it with zero self awareness or insight from her husband.
Like, maybe she knows deep down he's not into her (maybe he's not even attracted to women), but she thinks counseling can fix that? There's something she's not revealing here (understandably so, not everyone wants to air out of their intimate details online). But dang, in 12 years y'all not had sex and you haven't directly addressed that?!?
@@verb0ze oh, yea. Obviously something is going on in his head that we can only speculate about. I just don't get the impression she's doing something to cause his lack of interest. If he's unwilling to work on it I would've left a long time ago. I didn't sign up for a life of loveless celibacy. I signed up for reciprocal love and to be cherished and respected till death. He's not living up to his vows. They're only married on paper.
@@thestorybehindthat5236 let’s not forget this is her 3rd marriage though. There’s a pattern of something - either behavior on her part or the type of partner she chooses.
@@nt3833 3rd!? I didn't catch any of that!
Caller #3 sounds like she's been lied to. Either she's his beard or a cover for a long-term affair, or the man has hated her since before they got married and has been trying to get her to break up with him because he doesn't dare to do it himself...he clearly doesn't like her and hasn't for a long time...
This marriage should’ve been annulled the 1st 6months.
She’s probably his beard… he’s most likely gay.
Lots of marriages are like this. The guy just leaves after seven years and two kids.
@@WWE2KProGamerare they though? I can’t even fathom this kind of lack of intimacy. If my husband and I go more than 2 weeks without sex, we’re talking about it. It’s a super important part of relationships, imo. And he and I have been married for 19 years….
Its so weird to see the reasonable replies when its the woman who is complaining. You all need to stop despising all men for you picking poorly in your youth.
For me it's always strange when people are in a relationship and aren't able to talk to each other. They act like strangers, even like enemies. I don't get it. I talk with my husband directly. All important feelings are on the table, no hesitation. I can't imagine to live a life like that 😢
Exactly. If my husband and I (married 19 years) start to go more than like two weeks without sex I’m like “hey what’s up? I need intimacy. Everything ok?”
Maybe he’s super stressed at work or something but I want to know. And usually we will make a point to be intimate soon after…
There’s all different types of people in the world, not everyone’s like you… and honestly that’s the beauty of life.
@@The.Hawaiian.Kingdomtreating your spouse like an enemy is not beautiful
I am in one. It happens like a thief in the night. Before marriage we worked wonderfully. My best friend. Once married it all flipped and I can’t say what was the cause.
@@dollypardonthemess4153 I’m so sorry 😞
The minute i heard “it’s been like this since we were dating”, now i don’t have sympathy for her. She knew she was marrying an avoidant difficult man. She needs the confidence and self love/worth to know she deserves better. She deserves a partner. but that starts with her choosing to leave him and start fresh
100% this. With majority of marriage problems, the problems were there from the dating phase. It’s a waste of energy even feeling sorry for them.
Husband brought up God, maybe they were being celibate before marriage, unless you mean the silent treatment he'd give her besides the intimacy issue
no i meant the avoidant personality (not related to sex). You need to marry someone you can talk about anything with, especially the hard and intimate conversations. He showed her before they married that he couldnt do that@@XxXPringlesNinjaXxX
They both sound dysfunctional. No wonder there's no communication. Deep deep problems here. I don't think her just leaving this marriage and finding a new partner would solve ,,her,, problems. She has too many of her own. Who stays silent for 12 years !!??
We struggle with my husband wanting intimacy for the last 13 years. I have done all I can, I have gotten supremely physical fit in thinking that would help, I take the best care of all his needs as humanely possible, I used to try all different ways to ask him or try to help it….. after two years of that, there became times I would beg, then I just became resigned about it.
He says he loves him, calls me beautiful often, but if I ask him about the intimacy he says “I’m tired,” “I need more down time.” He had a physical and all checked out just fine…..
I don’t know why, and he never has any real answer. I tell him “I feel like a single woman, I feel alone, I need to know what is going on…….” I have asked for years.
Edited to add, there were 4 years that we normal.
It’s time to stop the dance. I am taking your advice as if you were speaking to me.
You don’t have to resign to that type of life. You’ve tried and he hasn’t. Leave this man.
Sounds a lot like my first marriage. Our sex life was always a bit sub par on frequency from the very beginning and just got worse and worse. About 4 years in she started cheating. I delt with that for another 5 years as our marriage fell apart until there was nothing left and I absolutely despise the woman now for what she put me through m. I should have ended it so much sooner. I’m re-married now to a woman who’s drive for sex and career success aligns almost perfectly to mine and she still has genuine attraction and desire 8 years after our first time.
Please let me know how it goes!
Porn addiction?
I there myself. That's why I am here watching. All I get is fighting and when I ask why we don't he just says he needs to get his strength back. I thought going crazy. It seems a lot of ppl are going through the same thing but mines has Ed but he was in the Navy so they give him free pills. And has a porn addiction. I am sure mines a narc too tho. But it's still so rear and frustrating❤ I feel for her and us all going through it.
this was one of the most frustrating calls I have ever heard.
I can barely listen when she talks and I’m a very patient woman 😅
Him saying calling for help when your house is on fire and saying"It's hot outside" it CRAZY hit to the heart but straight facts!
This is the strangest call I have ever heard and I’m 100% confused 😂 is she just a horrible communicator, afraid, lying? I have no idea.
Same here. She's a poor communicator.
Also not the best followup questions. It should be when was the last time he tried to initiate. When was the last time she tried? What was his reaction?
@@KathleenMcNe thank you i''m getting that 2 minutes into the call. im not going to waste time on this one.
She may be scared because he (her husband) knew she had the appointment to be on this call and she may be holding back because she's afraid he's listening...
She sounds creepy
I had to light two cigarettes to understand this call😂
😂😂 right??
No kidding. Holy.
LOL
me too and I don't smoke
I thought it was just me. I am struggling to follow
Were they having sex before getting engaged? And if she says they didn’t have sex because she didn’t feel safe, and other aspects of the marriage are bad. Why are they still married??? 12 YEARS?
She’s probably stayed because he has money.
it's likely for financial security or they may have become complacent or content with being in a friendship based relationship.
At this point I believe she would be so much happier alone. 😊😊 who needs that crap. Wow how can she put up with that. I have never been married. No kids. So happy. Almost 68. Freedom and peace. No criticism. Do what I want and get my way. My say. 😊. Wish that girl lots of 🤞 luck. Hope she finds some peace and happy 😊 days ahead. 😊
I don’t sympathize with the woman who doesn’t have any self-respect whatsoever to not talk to her husband for 12 years and still stay married to him. Let alone the husband himself. How is this even possible?
@@cecemoon1208that’s an extremely good reason to stay!
John said a lot more is going on but she didn’t say anything to help …So He did his best with this caller .
Dear Jen: Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and an accountant, and meet with them BEFORE you have that conversation with your husband. He many try to use money as a way of trapping you into this dead-end marriage. You need a safe exit strategy, including a place to shelter if necessary.
You're very smart. That is the truth.
This is typical woman thinking. Get his money!! That's always the go to.. I wonder just how fat this woman got.
Sounds like you've "been there, done that".
Being in a sexless marriage is so painful. I'm sorry Jenn went through this. One thing that helped me, coming out of my doomed, sexless marriage, is to understand the difference between care and love. My ex-husband and I cared deeply for each other, but we weren't in love for the last several years of our marriage. Care is not a substitute for love. Another thing, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Stop holding out for the person you wish they were, and accept who they are. Edited to add: if someone has to resort to religious conviction to justify being in a relationship with you, they're done. That's someone hanging on by the very last thread (and I would know, because I was that person).
Were you able to find love after? My fear and maybe most is that we just end up alone or in a worse off situation?
What is love them ?
You still don’t understand. Care and love go hand in hand. So u did neither
Who will care of you when you get old? Your ex? I doubt it
But didn’t Christ say that it was because of your hardened hearts that Moses permitted you to give a certificate of divorce? I tell you if anyone divorces his wife except on grounds of adultery his is guilty of committing adultery. He is also guilty of the adultery of the person who remarries.
Today’s marraiges are so fickle that you think religious conviction is a last resort. I’d say that should be the first resort. If Christ is first then doing everything in my marriage to maintain is more important then my life. He who looses his life for my sake will gain it as Christ says also. We have to love our spouses like the church and ensure as Christ endured for the church.
Wow, this woman is anything but direct! I guess it must be too painful for her to say it frankly that her marriage is completely dysfunctional.
Her spouse sounds messed up AF. It's really cruel of him to keep her in legal chains like this when he clearly has no true desire to be with her.
That’s my mom along for the free ride till we all die
Even what he says on his “good days” sound devoid of love and kinda depressing “whether it is for good or bad reasons god brought us together”. What does he mean bad reasons?!
I did sit down and tried to tell him this is what I need, I told him kindly and all he had to say back is: it's ALWAYS WHAT YOU WANT!! Needless to say it didn't work between us and we divorced. Now I'm learning how to love myself.
Wait you’re the lady on the phone
You were the lady from this video?
I have been in an abusive relationship, marriage and he said the same thing to me as well .
He gaslighting you for to long and now..
Take care of yourself love yourself some one will come along and take it slow and get to know the guy and be friends for awhile cause running straight in a relationship it might go down hill it's not what you want go.....
Take care everyone...........
I'm enjoying listening to these as it makes me so incredibly grateful to be single and staying that way.
A man shedding tears does not mean he's sincere. If God brought you together, then he needs to love you like Christ loved the church.
People always want to bring God in when its convenient, but they don't want to follow what God says about marriage. He's playing games and has been for 12 years.
She's been hanging on to crumbs for 12 years.
Totally agree about the no blame conversation and a reset understanding and collaboration of defining what your specific needs and values are! Stop the dance! You’re both listening to completely different music right now it seems.. you are so sweet and kind and worthy of love! ❤️
The caller has such cryptic ways to talk. At some points I had no idea what she's even talking about. That might be part of their problem 😅
Bad connection quality might bear some fault here, but not all.
Or maybe I'm just a dum-dum 😂
She might be reserved, and it is uncomfortable talking about your sex life publicly.
There were parts I wondered was she trying to flirt with Dr. Deloney or trying to sound smarter than him (like criminals that try to outsmart police detectives)? Cryptic is perfect word, kinda like trying to understand what Charles Manson was saying in his prison interviews. That would definitely be a turn-off.
I thought I was alone on this! I was like “She’s either super vague because her marriage isn’t safe, or Dr. Deloney is mind-reading and I’m left out”.
I agree with you. At first I thought it was her phone connection, but then I realized she’s just not used to giving her thoughts and opinions and having anyone listen so she doesn’t know how to express herself. It’s hard to know if he’s just a jerk who doesn’t love her or if she’s incredibly passive and doesn’t know how to be assertive…maybe a combination of both. 🤷🏻♀️
@@jeromehenry4484What the heck kind of call were YOU listening to?? 😂🙄🥴 Never did I ever hear any of what you described here. Flirting with Dr Deloney?? Charles Manson?? Gimme a break 😂
I have a friend who is in a COMPLETELY sexless marriage. Her husband takes serious anti-depression meds, super serious! (Lots of suicide and alcoholism in his family). As a result of the med use, he is COMPLETELY uninterested in sex in any way or type. None. But he is the most caring/kind/intelligent person you would ever meet. Over time, my friend had to simply mourn the sexual element. Unfortunately she has strayed into affairs, and it has become impossible to support her behavior. She is deeply angry at him for denying her this element of the relationship.
It's important though. Usually men would complain, so why does the woman not get sympathy when the roles are reversed?
This is awful. But I believe your friend will come around in time, when she realizes she can’t live like this anymore and affairs are not the answer.
Even if he's not feeling up to it there are definitely other ways he could please her sexually. He sounds selfish.
I know it's a bit controversial, but anti-depressants have not been proven effective in closed studies and suicide rates are higher on them. It may be worth at least talking to them about other therapy options. The medications are extremely harsh on the body and can create serious long-term health complications which will only complicate his position more. I do empathize with you though and am not suggesting this is your responsibility. It's hard to care for someone who is a victim in one way and has turned that into hurting someone else.
What is the answer?@@TexasGal.
Just as John said Listen to his actions. That should have ve noted 6 months on the marriage but second best time to start is right now.
I clicked on the video because the title caught my attention. My wife and I have been having some discussion that we don't have enough sex anymore. Started dating at 16 married at 19. We're 40 years old now. We probably have intimacy twice or three times a week, I know this is a lot less than when we were in our young days. I'm showing her this video!!
3 times a week is a lot my man!!
These situations are typically double-sided. The problem is rarely with just one of the people and not the other.
Neither has courage to go for what they really want. A lot of these marriages are trauma bonded
@@90charimwhat do you mean?
Depriving your significant other of sex is cruel and should be ground for divorce with no partner alimony owed. I very much doubt that the problem is rarely with just one.
@@u.2b215Completely agree with everything you said. And if he wants to use God as an excuse, even God said it is not good for man to be alone. She is completely alone in this. She alao made it clear that she is trying to make things work and he is fighting her the whole way through . So in this case it sounds like it really is just one and that "one" is him .
How is she to know unless he communicates what's wrong?
When he said “you have to choose your hard, there’s not an easy path out of this”, it really hit home. I guess some of us have a difficult time being able to imagine and accept what comes after making a decision. Not knowing how the decision will change the course of our life can be paralyzing to the point of not doing anything at all about it, and being at a standstill for literal years.
The greatest reminder I tell myself when I feel paralyzed by decisions is that choosing to do nothing is still in itself a choice.
If a man is anything less than loving and connected, there is zero sex life. Period!
Yes women are emotional
Her patience with this subject in her marriage is impeccable
Something people often overlook about men who avoid sex is that men who have been sexually abused have a totally different idea about sex. They are totally closed off. This may not be this guy's issue but I think it might be worth it to investigate this possibility.
Not after 12 years, this is something that you discussed at that 6-month conversation. That's when he should have put in the work to do whatever healing he needed to do so he could be an active participant in his marriage.
@@ineedhoez Yeah, I agree. They are both intelligent according to her. In 12 years she would have considered this. If she didn't bring it up at 6 month counseling or with him directly in 12 years, she failed herself.
I never trust people who call themselves smart.
She sounds slow and like she lacks emotional intelligence.
Crazy story: my friend had a husband that had an aversion to sperm because his mom shamed him so much as a teenager if he ejaculated on the sheets so he had a hard time having sex because of that aversion (he associated ejaculation with Shame, guilt, embarrassment) but he finally overcame it after 15 years of marriage.
@@mdsagould That is really sad. What a terrible thing to do to a child.
I need to speak to this woman. Seriously.
For real! This is probably one of the worst dead bedrooms stories I’ve read or listened to. Her husband is awful
Me too. Cause I have allot of questions that Dr John didn’t ask
She’s terrible at communication as well. This isn’t a one sided issue.
@@jw70467yes she’s bad at communicating she’s insecure and she’s afraid to speak up even blunt she’s been put to abuse to trauma to shut down
I think it's time to call an attorney. I'm not sure if he's gay, having an affair, abused as a child, or something else entirely.
This is not a one sided problem. She's odd too.
Who wouldn’t be odd after twelve years of that treatment?
I caught that too
She’s seems obscenely clueless and either very simple or she’s not saying everything that’s there. Sad situation whatever the case though
She’s fully the problem lol
@@maddieb.4282you can take her victim side and that’s fine. But for those of us that can read between the lines there is a reason for her issues. And they’re likely fully her fault.
Your best call yet. I am occasionally critical of some of these calls and how they are handled, and yet I realize that they are done with very one-dimensional information provided by the caller, and it is well-intentioned to "deal" with the caller in the context they provide. That being saId, you really nailed this one. It would be so interesting to hear a follow up on this call a year from now.
Somehow I'm getting the feeling that he is a gay man who has not yet come to terms with his sexuality and trying to deny it. His comment regarding I chose you and God wants me to be with you screams to me that he his struggling deeply with his attraction towards men and shame that what he is feeling is not acceptable towards God. I can see how those conflicting thoughts/emotions would make him "grumpy".
Yup....
On point...he keeps saying God made him choose her...he's trying to convince himself
Or ace
This. think she probably knew before they married and she thought she could change him!
Exactly
These married folks that call in to this show SCARE me! 😅
same!! sooo messed up!
It’s not scary if you find the right partner and have mutual love and respect for each other.
@@nt3833 you don’t THINK these callers thought they had “found the right partner” of course they did!
the fact it scares you means already have more awareness than these callers, this one knew early on yet continued.
Me too! 😂😂
Dr. John you are so right on every time.
I think she buried the lead by waiting until most of the way through the call to say that her husband admitted that he's only married to her because his religion told him he can't divorce. I wish Dr. John had asked her about religion at the beginning, because that was the first thing that popped into my head when she said they didn't consummate the marriage for 6 months. I bet you anything they never had any type of sex, not even a heavy make out session, before the wedding, and they were pressured by their families and/or church to marry after a short courtship. The caller probably was told that the fact that this man wasn't trying to touch her at all was proof that he was a godly man that she should be with, when in fact it was only proof that he's either deeply traumatized, gay, or both.
Since staying married and impressing his church is important to him, I think she should use that angle moving forward. All ministers offer marriage counseling to their church members, she should have her husband sit down with their pastor together. I know in some conservative congregations, this is done with the minister and his wife together, and sometimes they'll have one on one meetings based on their gender for people who are too shy to spill the beans in mixed company. They may also be paired with an older, successfully married couple in the church to mentor them. Basically this guy needs to be held accountable for his actions within the marriage, and see that this is an important issue that can't just be kept a secret and swept under the rug. If all of this doesn't prompt him to open up or change at all, the caller needs to cut her losses. She can show her kids a successful second marriage, this one can never succeed if the husband isn't willing to put in any effort.
@@ToccaLucia I think it will expose to her how unwilling to work on it he is. She isn't ready to throw in the towel, otherwise she would have by now. It's going to take a lot more for her to leave this relationship than it would take the average person, she needs to feel like she exhausted all her options first. Even going to therapy on her own wasn't enough for her to realize she needs to leave, she's desperate to try anything and everything, including calling in to a youtube show.
One side of my family is extremely Christian, I'm talking multiple ministers and multiple non-ordained people working in churches and for religious organizations. Even a conservative pastor isn't going to let this man off the hook for being unwilling to even talk to his wife about intimacy. Of course they'll try to get the couple to work on things, but I'm almost sure the outcome will be that this man isn't willing to put any work in. Best case scenario he finally admits to his childhood sex abuse, goes to individual counseling, and they start to have a functional marriage. More likely he doesn't really participate, and the caller can walk away knowing that she did all she could and was validated by multiple people in her life.
What religion are you talking about?
If it's Christianity you are utterly ignorant on the subject and shouldn't comment on it.
HONEY, HE ... IS ...
THE PASTOR!
This is why I stayed far away from religious church girls because church really confuses the topic and makes people feel immoral for their natural needs and desires. It’s a BIG problem in a lot of marriages where they got married without being physical and then have disfunction after that.
She said they’re both smart people. I question that. Their marriage sounds pointless and devoid of love from even the beginning. And yet these 2 people DECIDED to not only get married but have children together! They are not very self aware and can’t even communicate effectively.
.....and they only had sex 'a few' times. That's an incredible success rate. Incredible.
God called me to be ripped and i chose that gym!! Lolol
🤣🤣 I didn’t understand this comment until 16 mins in 😅
@@steebreeotey 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂😂
14:15 - He does not want to be married to you.
He cut through the crap!!!!! She agreed. He had been telling her that since they were dating. That is a soul crushing devastating reality. She chose this. That man has been who he always was. He didn't change. Ladies, if a man doesn't love the smell of your dirty drawz, he is not for you!!! When you are their dream girl, they show up for you in a way that most of us can't even fathom because we've never even seen it. We've never seen what it's like to be loved, cherished, respected, provided for, and nurtured. Many of us don't know what it's like to have a man who is our biggest cheerleader and is happy just to see us happy. We don't know what it's like to have a man that pours into us. We can look through generations of women in our family and not seen a single good man.
Unfortunately, all we know is sleep deprivation, exhaustion, being depleted, cooking, cleaning, being used a sex doll, working full-time, and taking care of the children. All we know is labor. All we know is being exploited for what we can give to a man. This is the reason why women file 70% of the time. They are exhausted, and marriage is a prison where they provide 184,000 a year of uncompensated domestic labor. That is the economic value of a stay-at-home mother's contribution to the home, according to the Department of Labor. You are an asset to them. You are a benefits package. If you're lucky they give you a $10,000 ring and then they get $184,000 a year worth of services.
Knowing the literal value of what you bring to the table, will enable you to ensure that your man is contributing just as much. The math starts to math, now that you know the economic value of what you bring to the table. It makes it easier to see that his $100,000 (I'm clowning because they make 50k) salary as not enough. We aren't even talking about the emotional labor that it takes to have a healthy relationship. It is not worth it to marry the average male. He provides $50,000 in salary and you provide $184,000 worth of services. All of that and to then get treated as if you are worthless because you don't work outside of the home.
So ladies, now that we know what we are worth, find a man who values you. If you end up alone so be it. I'd rather be alone than subsidizing somebody else's life. You can do bad by yourself. That's just a joke because we already know single and child free women are thriving and they are the actual happiest people on the planet😂😂😂
Find a man that loves you and shows up for you in an extraordinary capacity. Absent that, just get a cat. It's literally not worth it.
Well damn lol.
Your math doesn't add up. Single child free women take the most anti depressants, they are least happy people on earth. You didn't find a man to pour into you, probably because all you care about is money. All you talked about is money. Money, money, money.
My husband pours into me, spoils me, cherishes me, works hard all day, every day, for me. He proposed with a quarter machine ring 24 years ago. I still can't wait for him to come home each day.
Stop obessing over money if you want love.
May God bless you and enlighten you both...
Facts.
👏
So many more questions????? She said he found out about this call 15 minutes before it. Was he in ear shot? Was she scared to say thing? She delayed in some questions almost as if he was walking past the room. The way she said he would react to her questions and then stonewall her after is abusive behavior. I lived that for decades. What is his age? So many questions here. I’m guessing he won’t go to counseling. She needs to demand it. Couples counseling or divorce. This is very “off” and so confusing. Like why? What is his answer to her? 12 years he has to have said a whole slew of excuses. So what are those? Jenn call back!!!!!
Are the children she is speaking of biologically his? The whole situation is so incredibly sad.
it doesnt sound like it's his kids. I wouldnt be surprised if the guy married her for a green card and he's just content. Most likely he probably getting his needs met somewhere else.
I wondered the same thing. This wasn’t covered. I’m betting they’re hers from a previous marriage.
It's so easy to dogpile on him, but if you listen to her, they are both at fault. Neither really wanted it and now they are just settled in their ways. She is leaving out a whole lot of things in her story.
When asked what her goal is, it isn't to have sex. She never said she's trying so hard to have it and he's turning it down. No. She sits there and doesn't want it just like he does. And he's just "grumpy" and this was the third question and not the first question.
Forget about the context of the discussion, she sounds all over the place. I can’t imagine how conversations with her husband go.
I think she's embarrassed. She feels like he isn't into her. And he's grouchy. So he isn't happy. The question is why. You won't find the answer talking to her because they don't sound connected at all.
Jenn, you told us all you needed to tell us @15:18 and following. You're holding on to the hope that these rare times are the real reality. Guess what? He's doing the same thing. But the truth is, he didn't want you then and doesn't want you now. He wishes that he wanted you, but he didn't, doesn't, and despite his best attempts on these rare occasions, never will. People often turn to speaking of their feelings about circumstances and people in their lives when those things are hard to cope with - what they are doing is avoiding how they truly, deep down feel. Out loud they say: "God must have had a plan." But inwardly they're thinking, "because i sure wouldn't have planned this myself."
I'll cut to the chase. He can't face the reality that he was never attracted to you.
Turn loose, Jenn.
This is so mind boggling. Most people have sex at least 5 times just on their honeymoon. I can’t imagine going 12 years like that. Like how do both people allow this to happen?
And this number is from....where?
@@thetaekwondoe3887 From people I personally know.
@@kdean30 People talk to other people about how many times they have sex on their honeymoons? Gross.
Circumstances ( when you have kids together plus when you live in joint set up and your in-laws are abusive /toxic to the core ( narcisstic ) ! It's not easy ( it's frustrating as hell ; being single is better than being in a loveless ,sexless marriage where you feel alone despite having a partner - a partner which exists only on papers ) and no one wants to be in such a situation ... but ........ sometimes you just live this life for years and years !
@@thetaekwondoe3887from people who enjoy sex 🤗
John had me dying with the 'You. ....bastard!' comment 😂😂
She was very vague in what she was saying, almost being cryptic… I’m still unsure if it’s him or her who isn’t interested in intimacy.
I almost feel like it’s her, but she’s blaming him for it & trying to get permission from Dr. John to place all the blame on her husband and leave.
Seriously, rewatch it, she never says anything like “I try to initiate se* and he turns me down” or things you would expect if it was him rejecting her.
Takes 2 to have a sexless marriage.. and I’d say close to never are both parties actually staying committed to each other in these cases. Either he’s cheating, she is, or both.
@@mylesgray3470
That’s kinda my point… she was being so vague & I feel like she wasn’t saying everything there is to say, even Dr John said that a couple times, that he feels she’s not saying something.
This is like the tenth call where the whole, "no sex before marriage" thing backfired tremendously. Sexual comparability is important for long term relationships. Sexual literacy is important for everyone. How do you know iff you are compatible if youve never had sex? How can you be literate if youve never read?
Sleeping around is bad. Sleeping with people you are in a long term relationship is not just normal but positive.
I knew a man who’s parents where like this. He said his parents had been married for many years and only had intercourse ONE TIME… and that’s how he came along. It was on their wedding night and the mother had to BEG her newly married husband to do it and that guy was conceived. He said his father was so controlling over a lot of things and wouldn’t let his mom do anything. He was also big into sports and everything when he was young and real macho. . I suspect the dad was traumatized in some way and hated his wife/women and maybe was ashamed of his attraction to men. Who knows.
But this woman and that guys mother were VERY MUCH the same. The communication is off and the cowardice is big. The pick me mentality is very strong with these women. I even had a hard time understanding this caller. Her communication is like trying to grasp sand. I thought maybe the call was dropping or something but it’s not it’s her and her wanting to belong that she has to dance around in her speech. It’s just over all very unusual.
Yep macho and gay is a thing.
@@chocovanille5809Yes.....was thinking the same thing. Her husband has one of those things going on.
We’re missing a huge part of this story.
She did something that disqualified her after they already had gotten married and he realized it was just cheaper to keep her
Wow. I don't know anyone who could stay in that marriage for that long. Sad. But sounds like there were way more issues from the start. You both need joy... and if this isn't working.. like it hasn't.. wow I'd be done! Praying for you Jen! 🙏
Her desire to express how he chose her and to impress that fact upon him tells me he hit the nail on the head. To her, being unattractive to her husband is humiliating, so she will never say anything that can completely corroborate that.
I would want to know:
1. Did he touch her prior to marriage
2. What part of her body does he like most
3. How long has he been “upset”
4. Does he come home late often? Or have any unexplained absences?
5. Have you snooped on his browsing history
6. What kind of people does he look at?
7. Who does he admire?
8. What do you talk about when you go to bed?
I stayed with a brooding alcoholic for over 20 years because I believed that his childhood trauma and my own past emotional damage kept us both from a “normal” marriage. We both were second marriages for each other, him with 1 child and me with 3. I chose him and I promised endlessly over those years to be the one person that would not abandon him. Once the kids were all grown and gone and it was just us his distance was enormous and him telling me to get my stuff and get out was finally heard. His disdain for me was painful and embarrassing and palpable. Leaving him was the only way I could see that he was never the man I believed he was. And that took a few years of him coming and going from my life to finally see all his vindictive behaviors, stealing from me, lying to me, telling me how horrible I was. I wasted all those years but it was caused by us both. He never loved me. He never wanted to marry me. He was just too lazy to say it in the beginning or to be man enough to leave for both our sake. I was too scared of breaking my promise to him, of not being able to control our outcome, and of never getting the reward of him loving me someday. He was too weak to stand on his own two feet and I was too proud to admit I failed at my marriage. It was a train wreck from the day we met and I wasted my life and the years of raising my children in peace. That’s not all his fault. It was just as much mine. It’s been 7 years and I’m still dealing with the trauma of it all. But I learned a lot about myself and whose I am and I’m a better even if I still struggle. All I can say is that it is so true that language isn’t always words. Hindsight showed me countless times he “told me” even before we married. I wasn’t confident enough in myself to listen and walk away earlier. I just urge everyone to not avoid what you know is truth and talk it thru. If he/she is not willing to do that, then that’s the conversation they are having with you. Hear it.
I have been married for 16 years. We have sex 3-4 times per week. We are both physically fit, desire one another, and have no children. I also treat my wife respectfully and lovingly. She does the same.
I started dating a man who was a widow, it took awhile to get comfortable enough to get to the possibility of sex . We’re over 60 and had some very quick one sided, episodes, he said he was nervous. Then we planned and prepared a setting that would be pleasing (I thought) to us both. He quickly jumped in and began ramming. 10 seconds later it was over. I told him it would never happen again and obviously it was as disappointing for him as me, but he won’t discuss it. That was a year ago, I can’t stand for him to even hold my hand, so at this time we’re in the friend stage. At one time we’d discussed getting married, and I’m grateful everyday that didn’t happen
I love this advice, John. The hard conversation must be had.
Lack of communication is leading cause of divorce. It's possible the husband was somewhere on the asexual or aromantic spectrum and didn't feel comfortable talking about it, then shut down after going to therapy.
John made me crack up laughing multiple times on this one... great analogies!! Our house burned down... the problem is that it is hot outside. His announcement to the world that he is fit and committed to his gym but never goes inside to workout was also hilarious!!
This tragic couple suffering in silence for 12 years called the perfect person to help crack the ice and call it out for what it is. Everyone deserves better than suffering in silence for 12 years for goodness sake! Lol. ❤
It seems like every time I hear someone say there's a history of bad marriages or I come from a broken home, they seemed to go out and create a broken home and a bad marriage? They use it as an excuse to stay and toxic dysfunction. You would think that wanting to have a successful marriage with translate to you going out and learning what makes relationship successful, building good communication skills, building good problem-solving skills, Etc. You would think that you would put in the actual work to learn and build the skill set to have a successful relationship. The only thing I ever hear them do is just stay in a dysfunctional relationship and refuse to leave.
I think as she has aged she is coming to that conclusion. She said she doesn't want it for her daughter and obviously needs advice on it
My father came from a very stable home. He's been divorced three times and created three broken families.
When you don't really acknowledge and heal those childhood trauma wounds, especially from having a dysfunctional marriage between parents as a primary example for your growing kid brain to learn whats "normal", it's not surprising they go out and re-create the dysfunction subconsciously as adults. It's as if they're on autopilot. It's a familiar discomfort that's hard to break from because it's familiar. And the fear of the unknown, even when it's something better, can seem even more daunting. Especially when you have to work with those hard emotions and feelings, sitting with them, processing them, to clear them out first before you can even begin to discern and learn what a healthy relationship with self and someone else even is.
He is neither enjoying the woman(no sexual interest) neither the marriage. He very likely is more religious than he is gay, but 12 years no intimacy says he is BOTH. The truth will set you free.
What was their courting and engagement like? How did they meet? How did they decide to have children??
she mentioned at the end of the call that he acted like that while they were dating too. What does she like about him then? what made her want to marry him? truly. I don’t get it. people with be with anyone just so they’re not lonely on paper, but then end up in these soul crushing marriages where they’re more lonely than ever.
He might have some trauma he's dealing with. So story time. My marriage had a similar problem, not nearly as bad, but bad enough, and the issue was my husband had not only childhood trauma but relationship trauma from abusive exs. He had women use him, force sex on him, and then cheat. It didn't help that my husband was taught that sex was performance, so it always caused him great anxiety. It took years for him to actually open up about all of this stuff. It was so bad that he had actually told me these past relationships were great relationships. He even believed that being abused was his fault. What broke through this was one day on a drive he told me a story about meeting a girl he had talked to online, and she jumped him immediately, then criticized him about the quality of the sex. He said he wasn't comfortable because he didn't know her and that's why he couldn't "perform". He told me he even said please stop while she was climbing on top of him. That's when i yelled out, "Oh my god, that's called rape. She raped you. " It took him realizing this girl raped him before he was ever willing to see that this stuff wasn't his fault. Our sex life has been fantastic since he got the help he needed. Many men have experienced things like this. Maybe not sa, but definitely past relationships using sex as a weapon. This can really screw a person up. The problem is we dont talk about it when it happens to men.
Yep, I’ve heard a similar story like the one you described. We don’t hear about this type of rape EVER, which sucks because some women are very forceful and take advantage of nice guys. Society treats men like they’re just supposed to want it all the time. But consent needs to be both ways! I hope this type of abuse gains attention because most males would probably be too embarrassed to ever admit such a story.
My ex used it as a tool to get what she wanted. She had very little interest in it, even tough I was young and in great shape and it was great when it happened. She absolutely refused 9/10 times I tried to initiate. A few years into our marriage she started cheating so it seems she just wasn’t that into me. I was a paycheck and a lifestyle and nothing more.
@@mylesgray3470 I'm sorry to hear that. You are a handsome man. I hope you've healed from that and found a healthy relationship if that is what you desired. The morality level in Americans in general seems to be on a steep decline.
@@TheEnigmaticmuse Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say! I absolutely did find someone who is really happy and enthusiastic to be with me. After 7 years dating we did get married. I really should have left my ex so much sooner but was stuck in the mud for most of the 9 years we were married, thinking we just had to work it out. Sometimes moving on is the right thing.
John needed to ask more questions.
Why is she still there, and why did they even get married, and if they only even had sex 5 times, then how does she have multiple kids? Was either one a virgin?
Right? How did she even got pregnant! Jolt spirit? Bizarre!
People can get pregnant from a single time 😅
maybe from a previous marriage
Maybe he was SEXUALLY ABUSED. No one bothers to ask this about men.
My husband experienced emotional incest from his mother. It took him YEARS to get to that root, and that was with my help and research and the work of therapists.
What is emotional incest?
@@Kat00000 Things like a mother wearing a white dress to her son's wedding, or trying to drive off the girls he's dating. Sadly an increasing and super creepy trend.
After 9 years of sexless marriage my ex finally confessed to me that he was sexually abused by a relative as a child. The trauma spilled over into all areas of his life, especially the bedroom. He wouldn't seek help and we're divorced now. This is a very real problem.
@@Kat00000it's exactly what it sounds like. But instead of having sexual relationship with your child you have an emotional adult relationship with your child. You fill your need for adult relationalship connection using your child.
His reasons for not participating don't change the reality. As an adult who enters into a relationship, it's your responsibility to work through your s*** so you can show up for your partner. It's tough, and it's hard but you have to show up. At the very least, if you can't show up sexually, you can show up in other ways. Being an a****** to your partner and not having sex with them it's just too much
Why did they even get married? She said it was like this even back when they were dating! Why would two people marry when they're already not getting along?
bruh 12 years and can count it on one hand! is this real?
Married 14 years and together 20 and we do it 3 times a week still, crazy how they can only do it 5 times in 12 years. Guy is obviously gay.
Yes. I believe it is. What was not discussed is what intimacy was like before marriage.
@@TexasGal. Since he uses religion as the only reason he hasn't divorced her, I'm guessing he's extremely religious and they didn't have any physical intimacy before marriage. I think it's fine to not have intercourse before marriage if that's what you want, but you should be very suspicious if you're with a man who isn't trying to initiate any physical contact and doesn't seem attracted to you. I wish John would have pressed her for more details on that, I bet his lack of attraction was obvious from day one and she chose to ignore it for some reason.
@@rachelmaddowswife8713She said they didn't consummate the marriage until after 6 months so they waited till marriage.
@@The-Oneness11 Yeah, that's my guess, but we don't technically know that from what was explained in the call. People don't count premarital sex as consummation.
Action speaks louder than words
Would be curious to know how there sex life was with partners prior to them meeting each other. Or were they both virgins when they met. Lots of questions with this call. Their marriage feels like one of those arranged marriages.
She needs to have a serious talk with him about this issue. The more she keeps quiet about this, the worse it will get. If he hears her out and solves this issue then great, but if he has a negative reaction towards her concerns, then that’s grounds for divorce.
A. He married her for money
B. Hes gay
C. He has ED
D. Addiction
E. Asexual
F. Idf know
I can relate. Been married almost 5 years and haven’t had sex in almost a year. Even before, we’d have sex maybe once a month, but it’s very robotic and no intimate emotional connection. It’s the worst and I’ve been contemplating divorce for a while. Idk what to do.
Same here. It's just so weird.
Does your partner have any erectile dysfunction issues? Mine does, along with several other health issue, so it feels wrong of me even thinking about thism
@@anam.aria. sorry for the late reply. I’m honestly not sure if he has ED. But now that I’m thinking about it, he sometimes doesn’t care to finish/climax. I feel strange when I’m ready to stop and he hasn’t fulfilled the mission. Im thinking he may be asexual. We still haven’t been intimate since my initial post. It’s frustrating and I’m having a ton of resentment
@@Raec123do you initiate sax , do you clearly tell him i want to have sex or you are depending on him to initiate
Girl why would you wanna be married to someone you don’t connect to sexually. Sex is like 70% of a relationship.
@@OnjelieMarie tbh I’m kinda scared to leave. I think if I do leave, What if I don’t find someone to fulfill me or give me complete happiness. I feel stuck in a repetitious cycle.
Immediately go on stealth mode; do not ask. There’s something you don’t know!!
I agree. I think he is manipulating her. I wouldn't at all be surprised if he wasn't a poor sex abuse victim but rather was a complete and total narcissist
Dig out the backyard, check the basement, put a tag on his car, get the passwords to everything.
Where’s her self preservation? He could be in the gae mafia.
Lol, he's batting for the other team, or he has a full other relationship on the side, or both, no doubt about it. I mean, come on, 12 years, and they've had as much sex as most ppl do in a week (or a day for some of y'all out there)?!?
@@Morenita570Totally agree. There is nothing more confidence killing than someone who refuses sex to you only to go get it from someone else (in my experience, those others were not even good looking people) but it helps to know and make peace with ending the relationship and moving on to someone who you align with.
It’s been more than 12 years since my husband and I had sex, and a big huge problem of it is he has depression and some ED problems that he will not go to a doctor to address. maybe that’s what’s going on with this guy? I guess there’s always a possibility that he could be gay and he hasn’t addressed that with himself too.
After 2 or 3 weeks of marriage id have demanded an answer. Id have left long before this.
This is such sad story and I pray it ends well😔
I'm sad to learn she's been suffering through this pain during her marriage for 12 years. Also, I'm glad to hear she's in therapy to assist her in dealing with this situation. I believe he is either having an affair, no sexual attraction to his wife, addicted to porn/masterbation, or is an undercover homosexual.
I would engage a Private Investigator to investigate this unusual behavior. Be prepared to receive the investigator's final discovery report, good or bad. Then make decisions along with your therapist about how to move forward in life with or without your husband. God bless you.❤
Wrangling with my Wife about this now - declining for the last 15-17 years, nothing for the last 7, won't even kiss me - avoids all close physical intimacy - zero discussion, just went away. She withdrew due to burn out and emotional load / stress and I was working 70-90 hours a week while she stayed at home with the kids - but she is now in Perimenopause for going on 10 years and zero libido, no touch.... I am just at a loss. She is so angry now and that is unlike her.
I’m really sorry to hear that. I’m a woman with a low libido so I understand your wife’s feelings. However, when you’re married I think you should recognize that your partner is committed to you and you alone. Therefore, needs have to be met on both ends.
If you don’t mind me asking, has she given any reason for this?
Go to counciling. Premenopausal is a difficult stage in any woman life. I am sure she even hates herself and dislikes her anger and resentment. You were working hard for your family the same way she was working hard looking after the kids. You both now deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labour. Forgive each other and start fresh. Take each day at time. Be gentle with your approach. Keep complementing her one day she will soften. She is just in defence mode and now she doesn’t know how to cater to you at all.
@@distorbia20 We are starting counseling in 2 weeks. We do have a good dialogue, but she lays everything at my feet and attempts the DARVO routine - I called her out for the reversal attempts, and kept our disagreement civil. I at least received commitment that we will work through it - so the discussion is at least open - but the physical stonewalling is still an issue. She is so oppositional to any suggestion of seeing a menopause specialist, wants to make it about me trying to control her instead of it really being about receiving supportive care. I stopped playing the defensive game about this, and refuse to give into that perspective. She's a mess and needs to get it at least manageable.
@@Mel-zv1gf Burnout, stress, Perimenopause loss of all libido and painful intercourse (not mentioned for 7 years - just no reason, withdrawn without discussion, hasn't even mentioned it to her OBGYN). I told her she needs to discuss it with him as a quality of life issue, and it should be addressed - she is offended and mad that I am trying to "fix her", and says it's not something to be fixed, it's completely natural. No way around that way of thinking.
That must be tough to deal with. You sound very patient
This sounds exactly like a friend of mines marriage and she didn't realize that she had married a gay man. He didn't understand that he was gay it wasn't that he was trying to hide it. He was just trying to be "normal" as his parent's called it, like everyone else because that's what his parents expected of him.
that's a good point, "if you (now) walk away (from me needing this conversation) I will understand that you want this marriage to be over"...you've got to be present"
He probably just doesn't love her and doesnt find her attractive even though he married her. Men too marry for the wrong reasons.
It’s like pulling teeth in this one…..