11:19 so true. People who expect dating to be easy and arguments/ misunderstandings to never happen, are not aware of what’s going on in their own minds and have unrealistic expectations of relationships.
The will to commit to doing things not "my" way but "our" way is the key at the end of the day. And God cares about relationship, after all, He created us to be in relationship with Him and each other! So interesting, the mandate given from God in the old and new testament centered on our relationship with Him first (and all these examples apply to being willing to show up with Him) and our relationship with others. Jesus said to esteem others above ourselves, and to treat others as they would have them treat us. He also said we are our brother's (and sister's) keeper. It's all in there! At the end of the day, no matter what shenanigans people come up to escape God's order in our social systems, we always have to come back to Him, because that's where life is. He should know, He created us!! Thanks for your work Stan, and blessings!
Relationships are like a business. Business partners need to work together to have a successful company. If partners dont work together the relationship will go bankrupt.
Security for a woman is required. She never should feel self sufficiency is her job..she should be safe and secure with her husband every day..sgw should have a husband who provides all safety and tranquility...and. He.should provide all living arrangements to keep her happy... He is the head of the house..
The problem with this approach (that you change yourself in order to not trigger your partners unconscious fears) is, that precisely in a couple relationship you have chosen your partner because their childhood trauma stirs up your own childhood trauma (and visa versa). An example (also used in the video): Let´s say a woman asks her husband not to leave her when they enter at party. If she is left all alone, this triggers anxiety from her childhood where she had a dismissive, aggressive father who made her develop social anxiety, and if the husband leaves her in the midst of all the unknown people at the party, she will be scared, go into a freeze state and therefore not be present and relaxed at the party. But the husband had an intrusive, controlling and insecure mother who demanded that he as a child had to abandon his own needs because she felt threatened when he was acting independently and doing things that didn't involve the mother. Therefore the wife's request makes the husband feel as if he is suddenly together with his insecure and domineering mother, whom he hated, and the wife's request triggers the trauma related to the mother. If nothing is changed, then the husband will get aggressive (at his wife as a substitute for the domineering mother) and the wife will then feel the terror (of her husband as a substitute for the erratic and aggressive father). And after the party the wife will blame the husband for making her feel so insecure and scared, and her blame will make the husband hate her even more, because now she is even more like his detestable, insecure, controlling and blaming mother. And so the aggression escalates and none of them really comprehend what is going on. But if we say that the couple wanted to try out the solution from the video, then the situation is that the wife needs the husband to be understanding to her and to not leave her when entering a party in order to heal the old trauma. The husband needs the wife to be understanding and give him space and a sense of not having to take care of other peoples insecurities (like he had to do for the mother) and he therefore needs the wife to let him operate independently and be unrestricted when they enter the party in order to heal his old trauma. So how do they solve this? The husband can't both heal the wife and feel his own indepence, and the wife can't both heal the husband and feel safe at the party. So who do they choose to heal? How do they solve this?
interesting dilemma. perhaps this is where compromise and understanding come in. knowing each others' triggers mean they have to find a way to acknowledge their needs, meet them halfway, and see to their own needs. comfort the wife during the party and say "i'm here, and i'm gonna explore a bit." and the wife saying "i appreciate your presence, and want you to explore." a super crude way of touching on a compromise, but perhaps helpful?
@@ann5944 I like what you said. The OP suggests that empathy equals codependency, but you can hear your partner out, and if you’re not able to meet them 100% of the way, you can always encourage them to meet their needs through other means, when you can’t. That’s how you u grow together
These types of important topics should be discussed in the rules of culture ideally at the beginning of the relationship. It must be good for both. It could be a deal breaker for the relationship.
The " We" strategy does not work for a Man who wants many many children....He needs to be The leader all.the time.. The Man has to be the head of the house. When " we" all agreenthere is harmony.. But He has to lead the way every day to this harmony..
That’s not an equal relationship. Please get a time machine and go back to the 1700s when this model worked, for the lack of human rights and alternatives
Everyone in a relationship should listen to this man
Fantastic information! Really enjoyed this episode… Thankyou
Really good stuff. Thanks so much for sharing
11:19 so true. People who expect dating to be easy and arguments/ misunderstandings to never happen, are not aware of what’s going on in their own minds and have unrealistic expectations of relationships.
The will to commit to doing things not "my" way but "our" way is the key at the end of the day. And God cares about relationship, after all, He created us to be in relationship with Him and each other! So interesting, the mandate given from God in the old and new testament centered on our relationship with Him first (and all these examples apply to being willing to show up with Him) and our relationship with others. Jesus said to esteem others above ourselves, and to treat others as they would have them treat us. He also said we are our brother's (and sister's) keeper. It's all in there! At the end of the day, no matter what shenanigans people come up to escape God's order in our social systems, we always have to come back to Him, because that's where life is. He should know, He created us!! Thanks for your work Stan, and blessings!
Stan Tatkin is a badass not gonna lie
Such great info, thank you for sharing.
Love Tatkin so much!
Relationships are like a business. Business partners need to work together to have a successful company. If partners dont work together the relationship will go bankrupt.
Security for a woman is required. She never should feel self sufficiency is her job..she should be safe and secure with her husband every day..sgw should have a husband who provides all safety and tranquility...and. He.should provide all living arrangements to keep her happy... He is the head of the house..
What century are you living in? The days of gender based roles in a relationship are over.
The problem with this approach (that you change yourself in order to not trigger your partners unconscious fears) is, that precisely in a couple relationship you have chosen your partner because their childhood trauma stirs up your own childhood trauma (and visa versa).
An example (also used in the video):
Let´s say a woman asks her husband not to leave her when they enter at party. If she is left all alone, this triggers anxiety from her childhood where she had a dismissive, aggressive father who made her develop social anxiety, and if the husband leaves her in the midst of all the unknown people at the party, she will be scared, go into a freeze state and therefore not be present and relaxed at the party.
But the husband had an intrusive, controlling and insecure mother who demanded that he as a child had to abandon his own needs because she felt threatened when he was acting independently and doing things that didn't involve the mother.
Therefore the wife's request makes the husband feel as if he is suddenly together with his insecure and domineering mother, whom he hated, and the wife's request triggers the trauma related to the mother.
If nothing is changed, then the husband will get aggressive (at his wife as a substitute for the domineering mother) and the wife will then feel the terror (of her husband as a substitute for the erratic and aggressive father). And after the party the wife will blame the husband for making her feel so insecure and scared, and her blame will make the husband hate her even more, because now she is even more like his detestable, insecure, controlling and blaming mother. And so the aggression escalates and none of them really comprehend what is going on.
But if we say that the couple wanted to try out the solution from the video, then the situation is that the wife needs the husband to be understanding to her and to not leave her when entering a party in order to heal the old trauma. The husband needs the wife to be understanding and give him space and a sense of not having to take care of other peoples insecurities (like he had to do for the mother) and he therefore needs the wife to let him operate independently and be unrestricted when they enter the party in order to heal his old trauma.
So how do they solve this? The husband can't both heal the wife and feel his own indepence, and the wife can't both heal the husband and feel safe at the party. So who do they choose to heal? How do they solve this?
interesting dilemma. perhaps this is where compromise and understanding come in. knowing each others' triggers mean they have to find a way to acknowledge their needs, meet them halfway, and see to their own needs. comfort the wife during the party and say "i'm here, and i'm gonna explore a bit." and the wife saying "i appreciate your presence, and want you to explore." a super crude way of touching on a compromise, but perhaps helpful?
@@ann5944 I like what you said. The OP suggests that empathy equals codependency, but you can hear your partner out, and if you’re not able to meet them 100% of the way, you can always encourage them to meet their needs through other means, when you can’t. That’s how you u grow together
These types of important topics should be discussed in the rules of culture ideally at the beginning of the relationship. It must be good for both. It could be a deal breaker for the relationship.
Outstanding!
Glad you like it!
.. Lady interviewer... Please read evol. biology and about the environment of evolutionary adaptedness.
And… when men start watching this kind of content, we’ll evolve as species. Until then, nada. We better go back in time and restart this thing.
Don't worry, we are here too. All in this together.
It takes commitment to the relationship over self interest to be willing to do this. Commitment takes maturity. So. I guess there you have it.
This isn't a gender thing. Men and women suffer from this.
I found his website and looks like Stan's rate is $600 per hour darn it. thats out of my league;-(
The " We" strategy does not work for a Man who wants many many children....He needs to be The leader all.the time.. The Man has to be the head of the house. When " we" all agreenthere is harmony.. But He has to lead the way every day to this harmony..
That’s not an equal relationship. Please get a time machine and go back to the 1700s when this model worked, for the lack of human rights and alternatives