How to Create a Lasting, Healthy Relationship with Dr. Stan Tatkin | The Mark Groves Podcast
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 มิ.ย. 2024
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Themes: Relationships, Attachment Theory, Conflict, Interdependency
Summary:
Today I’m honoured to be joined by Stan Tatkin: PsyD, MFT, clinician, author, researcher, co-founder of the PACT Institute and all-around relational ninja. Stan’s ability to help couples navigate the often tricky waters of relationships is truly unparalleled, and in this episode, you’ll understand why. Join us as we discuss attachment theory, the leading causes of breakups and, ultimately, how to co-create a thriving, lasting relationship.
Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other’s Care.
Discover:
* Why we choose the partners we do, and why we default to certain behaviors while in a relationship
* Two main reasons relationships don’t last
* The non-negotiable habits of couples in strong, healthy relationships
* The mindset shift couples need to make for their relationship to survive and thrive
00:00 Intro
01:10 Stan’s background
02:57 Why we choose who we choose
10:30 Two main reasons relationships don’t last
18:02 Attachment theory & why we stay
23:24 Interdependency
26:29 Purpose-centered love
34:42 Creating a relationship that survives and thrives
41:32 Relationships are a team sport
48:16 Prioritizing repair
54:10 Avoid working on each other; only the problem
Links:
* Website | bit.ly/3H0DCmk
* Instagram | bit.ly/3EYWVKb
Sponsors:
* Cozy Earth | Use code GROVES for 40% off sitewide at www.cozyearth.com
* Create the Love Cards | Use code CTLCARDS15 for 15% off at createthelove.com/cards
How do you not have a million followers- excellent interviews lately. Thank you
Your brain on love is a brilliant book!! Love his take on relationships!! What an expert
Right?! Love his work!
Mark. Just want to let you know I think you are the coolest human. Keep doing all that you do!
This is transformative and incredible stuff. Thanks so much.
Thanks for sharing this incredible knowledge with the world, Mark and Stan. 🙌 so incredibly valuable
This is phenomenal! Thank you both.
I’m 19 and haven’t yet been in a romantic relationship, so this information is INVALUABLE & TRANSFORMING ♥️🙏🏻 thank you both! Any advice that you would tell your teen self is welcome haha!
Well I am 23 and the advice I would tell my 19 years old self is this: fall for the guys (or girls) that speak through their actions, not words. Fall for the guys that are humble, steady and sincere, not the ones that are charming, unpredictable and exciting (well, cannot blame you for doing that). A lot of men are going to say wonderful beautiful words to you, but more often than not, their actions do not align with their pretty words. Most men are not going to be able to show up for you and give you the attention, intention, care and love that you deserve and you are going to doubt your self worth and stick to them even though your gut tells you you're better off without them. You are going to experience a lot of confusion. A lot of pain and heartbreak and self doubt. You are going to lose yourself. You are going to make mistakes and regret things but this is how you learn better next time. The best thing you can possibly do is listen to podcasts like these, learn about attachment styles, examine the relationship patterns you witness inside yourself with people in general and also with yourself. Heal your left over wounds from the past. Get to know yourself, learn about yourself, build a strong foundation and relationship with yourself. Be romantic as hell towards yourself, go on dates, go on solo trips. Explore sexuality and sensuality. Learn what it is exactly what you want and wish for, and then journal on this, make affirmations and statements for yourself and revisit them and program them in your brains. Then don't settle for anything less. Learn about communication and get good at communication skills, this is CRUCIAL for any type of relationship, so you can always communicate your feelings and needs to partners and friends (most people really suck at communication so be an example towards others). Learn about setting boundaries. Don't be too serious a person but be serious about your boundaries and learn to communicate them. Build a strong sense of self worth. Once you have such a strong sense of self worth, you are kind of immune to the wrong types of people, because you stop taking on shit from anyone, especially lovers. Ultimately, become the partner you wish to attract. True love and partnership will be inevitable if you already carry this inside yourself, for and with yourself. Become love and become the partner. Then at some point this will come to you in the form of another person. And what I would like to tell her most is this: just freaking enjoy yourself, smile and be excited about life, romanticise everything no matter what people say to you, share your love with others as much as you can without any regrets, and forgive yourself for any mistakes you make along the way. In the end, to love is NEVER a mistake and never a loss. To love is always a win. So never stop loving and keep your heart open, always, even after a hundred heartbreaks. Much love to you and your journey! xx
Oh and by the way, you listening to this episode already shows how mature a person you are. So keep going on!
I'd tell my teenage self to fall in love with myself. The relationship with myself has been the most intimate of all and if you can understand yourself... reading whether people are good for you or not is much clearer.
I have advice for 19 year old self... read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson - it offers a shift and solution to the concepts and ideas introduced here. It have changed my life and lives of a few friends. The most powerful book Ive ever read (read it directly after reading Stan Tatkin's Wired for Love and Wired for Dating)
youll make it, its right around the corner dont worry
Toward the end of the video Dr. Tatkin discusses not going into the past when in conflict, but earlier in the interview he mentions that partners must be willing to take responsibility for creating a threat memory by admitting and holding onto their wrongs and that there is no statute of limitations on having created a threat memory. Help me understand this, please.
Thanks for the question, and I understand how that could be confusing. When we're in conflict about something today, it's not useful to bring up the past. AND, with the help of a good therapist/coach, creating the space to navigate and heal the past allows us to handle conflict that shows up today. Let me know if that makes sense... Essentially, if the past is still lingering, time and attention needs to be paid to healing it.
Who you think you are is of cours a thought. Every thought is after the fact, a reflection of past event where you where not fully present.
Like an incomplete combustion.
You think you are the smoke.
But you cant know who you are.
You can only be who you are.
"I know nothing"
No thought will help you.
Grabbing on thoughts prevents you to pay attention to others and listen.
No thought will help you.
See that you are the silence listening to thoughts. Listening to your spouse.
It is multidimensional.
❤
I hope it helps
This was such an insightful conversation, and I am grateful to have listened.. now who took notes and can provide some bullet points? Lol
This is great. I wish I had not waited until my forties to learn about it.
Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
Soooooo good.