Alternative Cuss Words - Tim Hawkins

แชร์
ฝัง
  • เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ม.ค. 2025

ความคิดเห็น • 2.9K

  • @mizzwriter13
    @mizzwriter13 6 ปีที่แล้ว +2129

    One time, I accidentally stepped on my friend's mother's foot while I was wearing boots and she screamed, "GOD BLESS AMERICA" instead of cursing and to this day, that is one of the best alternative curses I've heard.

  • @thevillageidiot990
    @thevillageidiot990 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1127

    I have one friend who is really a spitfire, she likes to use Tim Hawkins Cristian cuss words.
    A guy bumped into her and knocked her over recently and instead of cussing at him she yelled "WHAT THE BLEEP!! WATCH IT YOU SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT!! "
    I could hardly contain my laughter when the guy turned around and said, " oh! You like Tim Hawkins too!" And he walked away.

    • @kaded_cat
      @kaded_cat 4 ปีที่แล้ว +44

      Omg that guy. Bumped into her at the right time

    • @andreahenning8076
      @andreahenning8076 4 ปีที่แล้ว +41

      @@kaded_cat More like it was the right guy to bump into her... can you imagine being called a "son of a motherless goat" in anger and not getting the reference?? lol

    • @kaded_cat
      @kaded_cat 4 ปีที่แล้ว +8

      @@andreahenning8076 yeah 😂😂😂 You son of a motherless goat!

    • @kaded_cat
      @kaded_cat 4 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      @@andreahenning8076 You tooting knocked me over!

    • @andreahenning8076
      @andreahenning8076 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@kaded_cat Lol, that works too.

  • @abbeyhelmus7890
    @abbeyhelmus7890 5 ปีที่แล้ว +424

    We also have "nincompoop," "what in tarnation?" and my friend made the word "conflabbit."

    • @abbeyhelmus7890
      @abbeyhelmus7890 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@supermarioplumberbros4839 I'll tell her that!

    • @arandomuser9459
      @arandomuser9459 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Sometimes I call my brother “nincompoop”. Got it from a comic book and used it ever since.

    • @laceandribbonsviolin
      @laceandribbonsviolin 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Nooo! You beat me to “tarnation”

    • @thesilverblader6714
      @thesilverblader6714 4 ปีที่แล้ว

      There's also" Buscuits!" Or the one I made up"Applesauce!" It can be used as an expletive of surprise or disappointment.

    • @ohome9893
      @ohome9893 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      For some reason a couple years ago I would say: "Poodle sticks!" XD So weird XD

  • @veggiet2009
    @veggiet2009 3 ปีที่แล้ว +123

    I remember returning as an adult to my childhood church one Christmas, and I was standing towards the back of the sanctuary near by the table where they collected the christmas cards to exchange, and one of the sweet little old ladies that was just as sweet and little and old as I remembered her, came into the sanctuary took one look at the christmas cards, opened her mouth and I could not believe the words that came out of her mouth...
    "Ah Cranberries" ...
    I stifled both a laugh, and a shocked expression.

  • @JoshuaMNielsen
    @JoshuaMNielsen 4 ปีที่แล้ว +224

    Having grown up Baptist, "Son of a Baptist Preacher" got me. XD

  • @sammymartin7947
    @sammymartin7947 6 ปีที่แล้ว +600

    "Jeepers" - Scooby Doo anyone? We were already being taught alternate cuss words in childhood shows.

    • @ryanpulliam8987
      @ryanpulliam8987 5 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      Actually that was jinkies

    • @DragonGrace4
      @DragonGrace4 5 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      lmao, both work

    • @jaketimm5429
      @jaketimm5429 5 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Mother of Pearl SpongeBob

    • @raesour2806
      @raesour2806 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      My dad says jeepers all the time

    • @raydoestuff
      @raydoestuff 4 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      lol exactly!!!!

  • @jamie3boymom277
    @jamie3boymom277 5 ปีที่แล้ว +650

    After being in labor for 29 hours I let out a “good gravy!” And everyone in the room started cracking up.

    • @MissRaex
      @MissRaex 4 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      Lol xD I would have cracked up too!

    • @rianaahmed5462
      @rianaahmed5462 4 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Lol

    • @indodinoyoutube
      @indodinoyoutube 4 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      😂

    • @cbsumm88
      @cbsumm88 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Jamie 3boymom 😂😂

    • @Confoil
      @Confoil 4 ปีที่แล้ว +20

      That's an awful name for a kid... No wonder everyone in the room laughed.

  • @mayah16
    @mayah16 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1424

    Does anyone else think it's even more funny when he laughs at his own jokes? LOL

    • @graceho7479
      @graceho7479 4 ปีที่แล้ว +27

      It makes me laugh because it’s so wholesome!

    • @mickib1592
      @mickib1592 4 ปีที่แล้ว +19

      Him and the shrieking women. Totally lose it...

    • @robertrupnow6409
      @robertrupnow6409 4 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Yeah

    • @listeningeyes9990
      @listeningeyes9990 4 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      Miss Mayan, It makes his routine that much more funnier when he tries hard not to laugh😊.

    • @codyhannahmary83
      @codyhannahmary83 4 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Like Billy Connolly!

  • @buffalo8694
    @buffalo8694 4 ปีที่แล้ว +118

    you can really hear the country boy come out when he says " H E double hockey sticks"

    • @fredmckinney8933
      @fredmckinney8933 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      He's from here in Missouri, albeit the greater St. Louis area, aka "that other Missouri" to the small Ozarks town we're in.

  • @kellydyer4840
    @kellydyer4840 3 ปีที่แล้ว +72

    When my daughter was having her fractured arm set she kept saying things like “fart nuggets” and “cheesy pizza” and I swear I have never gotten so many strange looks from a doctor.

  • @IntrepidFraidyCat
    @IntrepidFraidyCat 6 ปีที่แล้ว +104

    I watched this while working in the kitchen..... my 10 year old son found me keeled over, wheezing with tears streaming from my eyes. He thought I was upset! I haven't laughed this hard in years. My stomach muscles are sore!😆🤣😆🤣

  • @ilovejesus8241
    @ilovejesus8241 8 ปีที่แล้ว +398

    "Who's got the crapola?? I need it to color my tree trunk!" Hahaha!!! 😂😂😂

  • @billiusdoe6813
    @billiusdoe6813 6 ปีที่แล้ว +348

    The first goats were motherless.

  • @rm2399
    @rm2399 5 ปีที่แล้ว +81

    I don't know why I find the "Pat Sajak" one so funny. I've heard people use "Bob Saget" the inflection makes it really sound like a cuss word. But the "Pat Sajak?" LOL

    • @taylorboys3791
      @taylorboys3791 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I thought he was going to say "AND VANNA WHITE!"

  • @velda3884
    @velda3884 5 ปีที่แล้ว +68

    I was at Chick-fil-A with my mom, and someone zoomed passed her. She yelled “you actually have a stop sign DILWEED I say that all the time now. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

    • @RosesR4U
      @RosesR4U 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Oh wow , that’s a good one ❗️👏🏻👏🏻my new favorite to use

    • @Axolotl-z-q6g
      @Axolotl-z-q6g 2 หลายเดือนก่อน

      It’s funny you were at Chick-fil-A!

  • @sicariius7682
    @sicariius7682 6 ปีที่แล้ว +2544

    My one friend, when he is angry; while he never cusses, he lets everyone know.
    He screams "*PROFANITY*" at the top of his lungs.
    Makes everyone laugh so hard.

    • @stormyphillips251
      @stormyphillips251 6 ปีที่แล้ว +94

      Your friend sounds freaking amazing 😂😂

    • @nightwarper1760
      @nightwarper1760 6 ปีที่แล้ว +29

      Does he actually say the word profanity or just actual profanity

    • @NathanWhitt23
      @NathanWhitt23 6 ปีที่แล้ว +37

      Savitar Shut the front Door you Fart Knocker.🤣

    • @madam-mint
      @madam-mint 6 ปีที่แล้ว +26

      I need to try that one

    • @berwynsigns4115
      @berwynsigns4115 5 ปีที่แล้ว +53

      @@nightwarper1760 It sounds like he actually yells the word "profanity"

  • @latentsymphony2746
    @latentsymphony2746 7 ปีที่แล้ว +403

    For some reason he reminds me of Robin Williams

  • @Soothing_Chaos
    @Soothing_Chaos 6 ปีที่แล้ว +210

    I've been trying to work on not cussing, so now when I get cut off in traffic I just yell out, "BLESS YOU!"

    • @geraldfrost4710
      @geraldfrost4710 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      The Southern Lady phrase "That's nice, that's real nice!" is the translation from "Fuck y'all to h E double hockey sticks!"

    • @raydoestuff
      @raydoestuff 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      me too!!!!!!!!!!!

    • @NBK1122
      @NBK1122 4 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      The other Southern Lady phrase: Bless your heart!

    • @vickiweber4718
      @vickiweber4718 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      I say "fudge you"

    • @thesilverblader6714
      @thesilverblader6714 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@vickiweber4718 woah that was close! To close.

  • @aubreysummers1729
    @aubreysummers1729 4 ปีที่แล้ว +65

    My friend, brother, and I scream "AW TOOT" every time we see each other.😂

  • @paulaclark9729
    @paulaclark9729 2 ปีที่แล้ว +28

    Still one of my favorite bits. There actually is such a thing as a crud muffin, made with leftover ice cream, chocolate chips, marshmallows, and other sweet remnants you have laying around. I think I'll make some. Thanks for the idea.

  • @yaboidpaul9842
    @yaboidpaul9842 5 ปีที่แล้ว +53

    I asked my friend how to stop cussing, and she sent me the link to this video...I regret nothing

  • @TheSupernaturalguy7
    @TheSupernaturalguy7 7 ปีที่แล้ว +194

    "Stop taking my crapola!"

    • @LizardBrick
      @LizardBrick 5 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      wolf moon and Potterheadtexan Studios suck eggs!

  • @pepper341
    @pepper341 8 ปีที่แล้ว +725

    "Son of a motherless goat" 😂

    • @EddyGurge
      @EddyGurge 8 ปีที่แล้ว +23

      Great line from The Three Amigos.

    • @that1shadyfella779
      @that1shadyfella779 8 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      EddyGurge I used to use that before I knew what the three amigos was. Which was up until about 6 months ago... but still.

    • @de_smith
      @de_smith 7 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      So, that one time, God created the first two goats and they had a son....

    • @NotSteveCook
      @NotSteveCook 7 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      ORANGE juice From "The Three Amigos". It's an insult spoken by Steve Martin's character.

    • @joshmorgan9374
      @joshmorgan9374 7 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      This poor baby goat's mother was probably shot by a hunter in the middle of a meadow. Oh wait wrong thing.

  • @melanne7901
    @melanne7901 2 ปีที่แล้ว +23

    Was in the hospital having an outpatient procedure done, no anesthesia, in a triage area. There were curtained cubicles, no walls, knowing there were children there, I was trying very hard not to curse, what flew out of my mouth caused a wave of giggles, and I cannot live it down to this day..."Holy Banana Peels!"

  • @racingfuel28
    @racingfuel28 5 ปีที่แล้ว +76

    I love how he uses a NY accent when he says "hey who's got the crapola over here?" lol

  • @beth_the_fake_ginger
    @beth_the_fake_ginger 8 ปีที่แล้ว +380

    I know someone who literally says "bad word" every time she wants to cuss.

    • @MasterAnakinSkyWalker
      @MasterAnakinSkyWalker 8 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      beththeREDfan - if you've seen the movie Ramona & Beezus, Ramona says the word "guts" when she tells her family she's gonna say a bad word. She just yells "Guts" at the top of her lungs. It's funny. The movie was crap, but that line was hilarious.

    • @lemoncoconut7402
      @lemoncoconut7402 7 ปีที่แล้ว

      what the cuss is smth i heard someone use.

    • @carolecook1116
      @carolecook1116 7 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      beththeREDfan ~ Heard that & also sweet "oh cuss." A relative says "sassafrass," & louder, when extra perturbed, "SASSAFRASS TEA!"😂

    • @sharonbertolet3272
      @sharonbertolet3272 7 ปีที่แล้ว

      beththeREDfan XD

    • @randomfangirlqueen
      @randomfangirlqueen 7 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      beththeREDfan bleep.

  • @future_doctor_sam
    @future_doctor_sam 7 ปีที่แล้ว +1611

    So....why isn't he more popular? You don't need to be all sexual and explicit to be funny! This guy is proof!

    • @Reubentheimitator6572
      @Reubentheimitator6572 7 ปีที่แล้ว +22

      Sam Cuentas Well, maybe we as Christians would be the only ones who would like him.

    • @Scarlett-Hofferson
      @Scarlett-Hofferson 7 ปีที่แล้ว +30

      you shouldn't have have to hide what you believe just because you want to liked

    • @randomfangirlqueen
      @randomfangirlqueen 7 ปีที่แล้ว +20

      I also like John Crist and Studio C

    • @jimforjzs777
      @jimforjzs777 6 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      He goes against word of God.
      I don't think He is funny period.

    • @xcardzx-1395
      @xcardzx-1395 6 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      jimforjzs777 uh no he doesnt stop being so religious

  • @DavidThrower1969
    @DavidThrower1969 6 ปีที่แล้ว +44

    I have watched this over a dozen times, and it never gets old - LOL! This guy is hilarious.

  • @powderkegsuga5598
    @powderkegsuga5598 4 ปีที่แล้ว +59

    When my husband is really angry: *"Son of a bean-dip, mother-FRITO."*

  • @albertrichards7137
    @albertrichards7137 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

    my aunt uses flippin all the time.
    when she visited us in Arkansas a few years ago, we had to take to the small town of Flippin Arkansas where she nearly flippin died laughing. she passed the sign "welcome to Flippin" the Flippin fire department, the flippin police station and directly to the flippin wal mart.
    I tell you,
    it made her flippin day.

  • @timeandspace7480
    @timeandspace7480 7 ปีที่แล้ว +430

    What happens when the son of a biscuit meets the son of a biscuit eater?

    • @ursaminor9780
      @ursaminor9780 6 ปีที่แล้ว +33

      Time And Space Well, then everything goes to H-E--double-hockey-sticks.

    • @phoenixx435
      @phoenixx435 6 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Mind.......blown.

    • @littlejoe9381
      @littlejoe9381 6 ปีที่แล้ว +12

      The son of a biscuit eater apologizes to the son of a biscuit for all of the biscuits his parent has eaten in the past. Apology is accepted, they shake hands, give a pat on the back and all is well. No more biscuit eating.

    • @SnakeEyesOfficial42
      @SnakeEyesOfficial42 6 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Bad things, my dude, bad things...

    • @annemchurchwell
      @annemchurchwell 5 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      They date each others sisters and get married and have biscuit children of course.

  • @jonathanhollis5764
    @jonathanhollis5764 5 ปีที่แล้ว +46

    Tim Hawkins is very funny, I met Him once after one of his comedy shows. It was awesome.

  • @jasonscott201
    @jasonscott201 7 ปีที่แล้ว +876

    They should have had cottonheadedninnymuggins

  • @bizzy_kornher5454
    @bizzy_kornher5454 4 ปีที่แล้ว +165

    Nobody:
    The women in the front who's never heard a joke: HAHAHAHA

  • @futureseven
    @futureseven 4 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    Blessings! I am writing for myself and the young man I work with (special needs). David my client came to see you in Edmonton and was allowed to meet you (thx for gas money offer, he made it home😁) Thank you on his behalf for the meet and greet. He mentioned watching you on Facebook , although this is true he also watches you on DVD as he owns most of your collection. In the last 500 or so weeks your name or your jokes have come up at least 500 times. Thank you for enriching our lives with your wacky sense of humor and ministry.😁✌️

  • @deuce860
    @deuce860 5 ปีที่แล้ว +123

    I’m eating Mac-n-cheese while watching this and I almost had to clean my screen a second time.

  • @Kjoyful419
    @Kjoyful419 5 ปีที่แล้ว +171

    😂😂😂 we love this guy!!!! He is even funnier in person we laughed so hard it was hard to breathe!!! Thank God for Tim Hawkins Clean Christian Comedy🤗🤗🤗

    • @llamasarus1
      @llamasarus1 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Clean, except the "fart-knocker" and "suck eggs" part that really means something NSFW and he was oblivious to.

  • @beentheredonethat7365
    @beentheredonethat7365 6 ปีที่แล้ว +127

    He forgot “Go forth and multiply!

    • @elihenline6089
      @elihenline6089 4 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      or "Be fruitful and multiply, just not in those exact words."

    • @donnaevans5131
      @donnaevans5131 4 ปีที่แล้ว

      Never heard that one but I like it!

    • @shyowl3453
      @shyowl3453 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Go ingest a satchel of bananas

    • @abigails5273
      @abigails5273 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Hold on I need to write this one down

    • @edgepixel8467
      @edgepixel8467 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      The cute hypocrisy of yearning for a good old classic “go fuck yourself,” but without the guilt.

  • @DaddyBeanDaddyBean
    @DaddyBeanDaddyBean 4 ปีที่แล้ว +27

    A friend uses "turdbug" and "turdbucket" interchangeably. I closed a sharp folding knife on my thumb and started to shout something, but redirected when I realized my 12yo daughter was right there, and ended up shouting "SON OF A SEABISCUIT".

  • @sweetteaandsucculents3730
    @sweetteaandsucculents3730 4 ปีที่แล้ว +131

    Where is “elderberry”?
    As in, “your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries?”

    • @benjaminnewlon7865
      @benjaminnewlon7865 4 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      i bleepin' love that movie

    • @boldthaddeusquil4700
      @boldthaddeusquil4700 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@benjaminnewlon7865 fuck yea where is it

    • @margaretbonnette678
      @margaretbonnette678 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@boldthaddeusquil4700 It's from Monty Python...I think it's from their Holy Grail movie. British comedies, especially
      the old ones, are rather good.

    • @Ravel.Alex43
      @Ravel.Alex43 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Sweet Tea and Succulents, 5 is WAY out there.

    • @pathwalkermmjdh6346
      @pathwalkermmjdh6346 4 ปีที่แล้ว

      Yaaas!! Monty Python!

  • @SpecificLove7
    @SpecificLove7 8 ปีที่แล้ว +280

    Always loved this clip

    • @scottishprepper8835
      @scottishprepper8835 7 ปีที่แล้ว

      Specific Love Creations I love your channel as well.

  • @TheLEGOCantina
    @TheLEGOCantina 8 ปีที่แล้ว +533

    I lost it at fartknocker 😂😂😂

    • @MasterAnakinSkyWalker
      @MasterAnakinSkyWalker 8 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      The LEGO Cantina- I used to say fartknocker all the time

    • @VueiyVisarelli
      @VueiyVisarelli 7 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Me, too, +Wingfan...in _middle school_ ...

    • @adammilette3076
      @adammilette3076 7 ปีที่แล้ว +9

      I lost it when he started knocking

    • @jamesonsummers
      @jamesonsummers 7 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      The LEGO Cantina I lost it at "Crud Muffin" but I laughed so hard that I cried at 'Fart Knocker"!

    • @autumnchandler7744
      @autumnchandler7744 7 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      The LEGO Cantina I was freaking in tears when he said FART KNOCKER!!!! I dead lol

  • @LuckyBadger
    @LuckyBadger 7 ปีที่แล้ว +451

    I laughed so hard at these, I scared my dogs! They're looking at me like "What the Bob Barker is going on? Shut the front door!"

  • @RedT...TheOriginal.NotANumber
    @RedT...TheOriginal.NotANumber 3 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Don't forget the Southern swear that everyone knows is a swear but is always rendered with a smile: Bless your heart!

  • @avacosby7435
    @avacosby7435 4 ปีที่แล้ว +31

    Couple things.... I love how Tim gets a kick out of himself and ALSO TIM DOESNT GET ENOUGH CREDIT FOR HIS VOICES!!!!!!!!!

    • @maryerb6062
      @maryerb6062 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Tell me about it. He knows just how to use 'em!

  • @ajsamano7869
    @ajsamano7869 7 ปีที่แล้ว +56

    I want a ringtone of Hawkins saying toot so whenever someone I don't like texts me it's like, "aweeee toot!"

    • @ana-xp7qd
      @ana-xp7qd 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      AJ Samano lmao good idea

  • @paigecote4014
    @paigecote4014 8 ปีที่แล้ว +122

    Where did you guys put my crapola crayon?! I seriously needed that to color my tooting picture. Nice one you crud muffins. XD

  • @jewelkoca1633
    @jewelkoca1633 5 ปีที่แล้ว +155

    No matter how many times I watch this, I can't stop laughing 😂

  • @eleaya_rebekah
    @eleaya_rebekah 4 ปีที่แล้ว +148

    Once i got made at someone and just yelled "FOR THE LOVE OF VEGGIETALES" at them

    • @jamesfair9751
      @jamesfair9751 3 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      Well if someone made you I would think you would be appreciative and thank them. Most people go their whole lives trying to get made and someone did it for you!!??!!

    • @RyanClark-gr9yb
      @RyanClark-gr9yb 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      People who don’t use auto correct are going straight to heel.

    • @hollyburbach9917
      @hollyburbach9917 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      Bob and larry would like a word lol

  • @saltymisfit6566
    @saltymisfit6566 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    He actually reminds me of Robin Williams with his quick wit and love of his craft

  • @dariancremer4519
    @dariancremer4519 6 ปีที่แล้ว +20

    Tim is just the best. They say that there are actors who are triple threats, they can sing, dance and act. Well, Tim is a quadruple threat, he can sing, he can dance, he can act, and he can laugh at himself while he does it. Thanks, Tim.

  • @considerthewildflowers5533
    @considerthewildflowers5533 7 ปีที่แล้ว +123

    Going to memorize these just so I can use them when I drive 😂

  • @Lucius51
    @Lucius51 5 ปีที่แล้ว +73

    Who’s at the door daddy, oh some fartknocker tell him to go away😂

  • @hhairston43
    @hhairston43 4 ปีที่แล้ว +87

    When my friend, who is a pastor, gets upset she says “pooty squabbles!”

  • @sadgary6144
    @sadgary6144 4 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    This made me laugh so hard i started crying. Why isnt this guy more popular he is funnier than some comedians nowadays

  • @ryah6943
    @ryah6943 6 ปีที่แล้ว +119

    This is the cleanest try not to laugh video I’ve ever seen!! And the most helpful!!😂👍🏼🙏🏼

  • @isabellefrey7500
    @isabellefrey7500 7 ปีที่แล้ว +54

    "shut the front door!" 'okay.' "I didn't even know it was open!" #bestoneyet

  • @katetooke3120
    @katetooke3120 5 ปีที่แล้ว +46

    I work with children and one day I walked into a table and just yelled out: potato skins!!! Its the first thing that came into my head

  • @bigmoecosmo8232
    @bigmoecosmo8232 5 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    "Well, dat burn it, paw!"
    .....Hoss Cartwright from Bonanza.

  • @buckbuchanan4902
    @buckbuchanan4902 2 ปีที่แล้ว +29

    "Son of a motherless goat" gets me every time! I am still waiting for the perfect situation to say that to someone.
    As a Christian, I have been using alternative cuss words for over 45 years. My current go-to is "Poop on a Stick!"

  • @loganflorea3165
    @loganflorea3165 5 ปีที่แล้ว +368

    The one I used the most is, “WHAT IN THE HOLY JEHOVAH’S WITNESS!”

    • @arandomuser9459
      @arandomuser9459 5 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Logan Florea
      Mind if I steal that one? It’s hilarious. 😂

    • @fredmckinney8933
      @fredmckinney8933 4 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      One I use is "what in the ham and eggs...?"

    • @avianelixir
      @avianelixir 4 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Logan Florea that’s a little long don’t you think?

    • @harriskids7312
      @harriskids7312 4 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Soo funny 😂😂😂

    • @taylorcampbell4855
      @taylorcampbell4855 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      This one is great. Thanks for sharing.

  • @KeepingitRealintheKitchen
    @KeepingitRealintheKitchen 8 ปีที่แล้ว +591

    Not gonna lie, most of these are in my vocabulary! (I totally grew up in the church)

    • @eliserose3688
      @eliserose3688 7 ปีที่แล้ว

      Keeping it Real in the Kitchen ikr i also say booty

    • @Janjelle1
      @Janjelle1 7 ปีที่แล้ว

      Elsa Gilmore puddy not booty

    • @NotJayge
      @NotJayge 7 ปีที่แล้ว

      same

    • @danaparzych4034
      @danaparzych4034 7 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Great Caesars ghost! , son of a motherless goat,

    • @christellehires
      @christellehires 6 ปีที่แล้ว

      😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

  • @makennaf3398
    @makennaf3398 8 ปีที่แล้ว +109

    son of a motherless goat, I'm dead 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😋😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    • @hllthR-jv5pe
      @hllthR-jv5pe 7 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Faximumgirl5 bookworm my favourite was crud muffins

    • @rowynnecrowley1689
      @rowynnecrowley1689 7 ปีที่แล้ว

      I say this all the time. But I've never heard anyone else say it. I thought I invented it.

    • @Kgbinks
      @Kgbinks 6 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      It's from the movie, the three amigos

  • @emeyers5984
    @emeyers5984 4 ปีที่แล้ว +22

    My dear sweet Mom didn’t cuss/curse, but she would say “God bless a milk cow” or “Fudge!” or “Dagnabit!” or “Shoot fire and save matches” 🤣

    • @Ledgerfan2003
      @Ledgerfan2003 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      I say fudge all the time. That’s one of my favorite saying

    • @biliussteed2102
      @biliussteed2102 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      I love the, “Shoot fire and save matches!”

  • @reginaturner8705
    @reginaturner8705 4 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    My grandmother says, "Oh fig leaves!" ☺💕

  • @lesevans7112
    @lesevans7112 6 ปีที่แล้ว +39

    "Fartknocker!"
    Bad time to take a bite of my apple!

  • @RocknRoRose
    @RocknRoRose 5 ปีที่แล้ว +67

    You and John Crist are my replacements for Jim Carey and Robin Williams. Love you guys.

  • @someonefemale4195
    @someonefemale4195 6 ปีที่แล้ว +58

    I was having such a tooty day. Now I'm laughing so hard I am crying.

  • @russhoffman6301
    @russhoffman6301 3 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    One of his best routines. Never fail to laugh when I watch it.

  • @LilaFallang
    @LilaFallang 4 ปีที่แล้ว +29

    My favorite Christian swear word as a kid was, "crud diddly moo moo" . Ahh, those were the good ol' days.

  • @oakleymondry
    @oakleymondry 7 ปีที่แล้ว +300

    BOLSHEVIK! ... that was close.... *cracks up laughing*

  • @MissEricaBarnes
    @MissEricaBarnes 6 ปีที่แล้ว +19

    As a born again Christian who's trying to defeat the cursing demon this video really comes in handy. I know I can stop cursing, I just need to increase my vocabulary!!!

  • @khloe9084
    @khloe9084 6 ปีที่แล้ว +73

    “Kiss my grits”
    Me: dead lol

    • @BX138
      @BX138 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Thank you Flo

    • @margaretbonnette678
      @margaretbonnette678 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      from "Alice" . I loved that show, downright hilarious!

  • @jmw9904
    @jmw9904 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    A good many of these I've heard from older people, TV shows and older movies.

  • @smallsavage1297
    @smallsavage1297 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

    I made a few myself: “Great clouds!”
    “Oh, for the love of mice!”
    “Holy cat!”
    “You little rat!” (I also use weasel)
    and my favorite from 6th grade:
    “That guy is such a Wexler.”

  • @VictoriaEMeredith
    @VictoriaEMeredith 7 ปีที่แล้ว +15

    Or my favorites, which I use at work: "bad word" and "son of a bad word." (Sixth grade teacher.) "Son of a bad word" is especially helpful when you drop something on your foot. Often accompanied by a long and drawn-out "Shhhhhhheboygan!" or possibly "shhhhhhhhhhhipyard!!!"

  • @mr.mauricemoss6709
    @mr.mauricemoss6709 5 ปีที่แล้ว +201

    i used to tell my brother “SHUT THE FRONT DOOR” all the time when i was mad at him.
    my parents dont like it
    lets just say ive gotten grounded a lot in the past....

    • @West-rk7dz
      @West-rk7dz 5 ปีที่แล้ว +16

      That's unfortunate. There should be litteraly nothing wrong with that at all. If anything it should be funny.

    • @donnaevans5131
      @donnaevans5131 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      😂😂😂😂😂

  • @ryah6943
    @ryah6943 6 ปีที่แล้ว +79

    You forgot one(from the elf movie) “I’m a cotton-headed ninny muggins “

  • @susannahein7471
    @susannahein7471 3 ปีที่แล้ว +12

    Am I the only one who is laughing so hard but trying not to make any noise so people don't ask why I'm on the floor laughing?
    Just me? Ok

  • @MasterAnakinSkyWalker
    @MasterAnakinSkyWalker 3 ปีที่แล้ว +15

    "Tall glass of milk and a crud muffin, ain't no better way to start the day!"

  • @allisonjohnson6399
    @allisonjohnson6399 7 ปีที่แล้ว +55

    Fart Knocker is always gonna be my favorite :)

  • @stephenrainda5838
    @stephenrainda5838 5 ปีที่แล้ว +145

    Your forgot the Mormon favorite. "Cheese and rice! " lol

    • @geraldfrost4710
      @geraldfrost4710 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      You'd have to be from California to use it, but:
      "Conn Dam, Sanoma Beach!"

    • @giantclaw138
      @giantclaw138 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      It'd be the first I've heard of that. Then again, I don't live in Salt Lake

    • @giantclaw138
      @giantclaw138 5 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Or Provo

    • @tornadogirl9099
      @tornadogirl9099 4 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Or the favorite on the movie Rio "Cheese and Sprinkles!"

    • @raydoestuff
      @raydoestuff 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      yes!!!!!!!!!!! i use that one all the time!!!

  • @fratpresky
    @fratpresky 7 ปีที่แล้ว +103

    SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT THE WIFI'S OUT!

    • @cozylime_2006
      @cozylime_2006 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      What the what!Shut the front door which son of a biscuit eater did that to me! They're such a fart knocker.

  • @Manda-zf3qi
    @Manda-zf3qi 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    I've NÉVER laughed so long and hard at any comedian éver. This guy is great! Funny as hell! Good clean & funny humor. Brilliant!!! 😅🤣😂

    • @BLowefreezing
      @BLowefreezing 6 วันที่ผ่านมา +1

      I believe you mean H. E. double hockey sticks. 😉😂

  • @andreaexceedsrubies
    @andreaexceedsrubies 4 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    "Bleep" got me and I thoroughly enjoyed this segment lol!

  • @aneesamack7255
    @aneesamack7255 7 ปีที่แล้ว +18

    Jumping Johosaphat. *Jumps* calm down Johosaphat, both feet on the ground J-ho, J-ho. Deep breath J-ho.
    The best part😂😂😂😂

  • @Breezy3401
    @Breezy3401 8 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    I had a teacher in high school who, of course, couldn't curse at us, so she did the next best thing. She'd slam her hand down loudly on her desk & semi-shouted the word "Cuss"!! We quickly learned that meant somebody was about to get in trouble. To this day, I smile @ the memory. Sometimes, we acted out just to get her aggravated enough to say it!

  • @gymnastmomma6908
    @gymnastmomma6908 6 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    I have used most of these in my life! 😂 "Som of a motherless goat!" That one too! I first heard that in the movie The Three Amigos'

  • @sabrinarhodes6273
    @sabrinarhodes6273 5 ปีที่แล้ว +17

    Holy flippin-flip-flop. I haven't laughed this hard in so long.
    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  • @L0ST_P4G3
    @L0ST_P4G3 4 ปีที่แล้ว +64

    I love starting my day with a good ol’ crud muffin and some orange juice

    • @dealanachmatamis352
      @dealanachmatamis352 4 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Me too. Aint nothin says lovin like a good ole crud muffin!

    • @erikaswanson7072
      @erikaswanson7072 3 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      With pulp...

    • @theace1014
      @theace1014 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Mmmh Mamas crud muffins

    • @DosagePosage
      @DosagePosage 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      Orange juice with pulp

  • @meghanrye8647
    @meghanrye8647 6 ปีที่แล้ว +34

    Mother, father, sister brother!! 😂😂 Holy SPIRIT! I used those words at work... heard them from my Christian boss

  • @lovatojonasfan1
    @lovatojonasfan1 5 ปีที่แล้ว +71

    Here’s a couple more:
    Son of a nutter butter
    Son of a preacher man

  • @rowanoak433
    @rowanoak433 6 ปีที่แล้ว +138

    Another one to add to the list:
    Shia LaBeouf.

  • @daviddonaghy7568
    @daviddonaghy7568 4 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    I've been trying not to curse anymore. I'll have to remember these.

  • @evangelineblackwell3047
    @evangelineblackwell3047 4 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Played this to so many people now and every time I get as far as 'fart knocker' and I'm done.....rib hurting, face aching laughter done!! Awesome!

  • @ceceliahein4408
    @ceceliahein4408 6 ปีที่แล้ว +19

    I love how he cracks himself up! XD

  • @enderavis692
    @enderavis692 5 ปีที่แล้ว +33

    Imagine just using expletive
    *falls down the stairs* OH EXPLETIVE

    • @laceandribbonsviolin
      @laceandribbonsviolin 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Oh em gee I’m doing that now!

    • @MasterAnakinSkyWalker
      @MasterAnakinSkyWalker 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Saying it as you're falling down the stairs would make it even funnier, like it was predetermined.

  • @Armitage112a
    @Armitage112a 6 ปีที่แล้ว +62

    "Son of a...gun! Gosh Almighty! Cheese and crackers!"--from the highly-underrated film "Oscar" (1991), where Sylvester Stallone is a frustrated 30's gangster walking past a priest.

  • @TrapperCreek
    @TrapperCreek 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    I was at work and wasn't actually working but I was laughing so hard I got caught not doing anything, so I showed them and now they are laughing too🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • @Kallys23
    @Kallys23 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    I feel like someone has been around me, having heard the "Motherless Goats"... I picked that up years ago from a book. Outstanding!
    Might I add "Mother of Jane" to your list.