It is possible to recover from Bpd! I did. I was addicted to alcohol, drugs , I self harmed, had toxic relationships and vehemently hated myself. It took me 2 years of hard work in talk therapy and I healed through a combination of emotional awareness and, most importantly (for me), my relationship with my therapist. Now, I am genuinely happy. I love my life and I love *myself*!You CAN do it. I also want to add that I have almost completely recovered from my lack of self identity which was the hardest symptom for me. I feel like myself now. It’s amazingly settling and comforting.
@@ludocuore9014 around 18 i went to therapy. realized i had bpd/cptsd at 19. and i finished therapy at 20, but I'm going back for other issues. you can heal. It's painful, difficult, disheartening at times, but you come out the other end and look at your progress like :O omg, I really did it!! and you should be proud. I know how hard bpd is and the amount of suffering that comes from it, just remember that even if it feels like you're not making any progress, or it's getting worse, you *are* healing. you are trying, and slowly, it is working even if you can't see it at the moment. You can do it Ludo
@@Amelia-kw9om I’m 21 and I had the same problems as you did , I’m just not sure if I’m bpd or not , going for my first therapy session on Friday . Kinda scared .
* me convincing myself that my best friend isn't even my real friend and just cutting them off will save me a lot of future emotional distress all because they're not messaging me as often for a couple of days* - I struggle with accepting that my friends don't get tired of me so I push them away before they can push me away. Anyways, this is actually exactly what I needed to see right now. Thank you. ❤
Same girl! This is so hard for me! But it feels good to know Im not alone. It is so painful to feel like your closest friend doesnt even love or care about you. Recently I was convinced my best friend was talking crap behind my back to a guy that I liked. I'm still trying to convince myeslf it didnt happen!
How many times I have to push down the urge to block them after becoming vulnerable is crazy, actually. Just the urge in itself is primal and is rooted in the extreme need for self-preservation.
too exhausting to try protect another from my poison within and too exhausting to allow my vulnerability to open the doorway to experience further damage
Whew. Yes. Yep. Choking down that truth. I feel so insecure with myself that I gravitate to very self assured people. My husband is so comfortable with himself, so confident. When I met him I loved him immediately. This calm energy he has around him, its addictive. If I didn't have someone so patient and understanding and concrete as him... I honestly dont believe I would have lived this long. He is so good at setting boundaries and being consistent and honest, our relationship has been such a huge growing point for me. Thank you so much for the helpful advice! It feels good to have it laid out from an uncluttered perspective!
I would like to give you the full credit, because you let him know what sickness you have, otherwise believe me its hell... again good luck to all, pls keep sharing your feelings with him never make the distance.
I just recently realised that my relationship pattern is completely erratic, I didn't identified myself as a splitter. In fact it is like all my relationships, friends and partners especially, have a timer, an 'expiration date': every 1 or 2 years maximum, I feel nothing but disinterest, I don't even understand why I used to care for this person, it is very sudden, violent and without a clear object of rejection. In truth I had toxic relationships, and it wasn't even the motive to leave: my brain seems to be formated to leave people after some time, not to be too attached... I always leave whenever I feel it's too intimate, too secure, which is what I crave for (I know, it has no sense). And I make everyone around me suffers. Every new relationship is a way for me to 'reinvente' my life, but it's tiring and hurtful... sick of this all/nothing thinking.
I'm struggling so bad right now. I left my girlfriend, I couldn't take her abuse anymore. She used to break up with me a lot, I'd say almost 100 times in the span of 8 years and it was crazy making for me. I did crazy things to either get her back or get back at her. She would make accusations that were out of nowhere and I'd be defending myself from a total made up story that she created in her head. From cheating, using drugs, hiding text messages, hooking up with people at work, lying about my hours at work, even being in an alleyway with someone at work. Just total left field stuff. I tried being so perfect for her, I avoided confrontation, worked hard on myself to learn effective communication, financial responsibility, I changed the way I would speak to be more articulate. All to avoid being criticized. Even then, anything would set her off. I left a hanger on the bathroom and was lectured while at work. I accidentally put my darks in the washer when she still had lights in there. I was lectured for two days. It got so bad that I left town because I couldn't take it anymore. I left her when she told me I was selfish for taking care of myself. She also told me I freeload off her which is far from the truth. I've always been very generous with her and helpful. I was so angry and fed up that I told my mom I hated her. She heard me while watching me on her camera. She now tells me I have borderline personality disorder, that I'm scary, mentally unstable and full of rage. I'd never hurt her, I never even expressed anger towards her. I've been annoyed or frustrated with her but I've become super hurt and yes angry in times where she either left me or made me sound like a horrible partner. Anytime I've expressed anything other than happiness, I'm then deemed selfish, a victim and making it about me, incapable of holding her feelings. It didn't take her long to get on dating sites and meet new people. I'm feeling awful and cNt even imagine being with another person. 😞 I needed to vent. Her calling me borderline led me here. I'm not that though.
Sounds like my ex mate. To a tee. Most likely she has her own mental health issues and as much as we try to forgive and change for them there’s no excuse for bad behaviour if someone doesn’t try to help themselves unfortunately. Like he said we have to make ourselves the priority
Same boat brothers. Was supposed to be married already. Her mom flew to my country and paid for her daughter to live here while she gets help but she's an alcoholic so it counters the meds and fuels the bpd. When her Mom came she relapsed bad. Now it's getting meds balanced again but all she can focus on is going back to have access to booze.
Im not going to lie, I was nervous about watching this video. I thought I’d feel called out. But it was helpful in defining that what is going on in my relationship is about my boundaries, not splitting as my partner sometimes suggests. I can have boundaries and stand by them and NOT split. ❤️ thank you.
Yeah you are not the only one. I live alone and its probaly best that way indead. Since I'm not really better. Well I am very aware of my black and white. It's kind of comforting but everybody knows im not normal.....ive been in a relation for 3 and a half year and the guy is an angel. Im heavy metal stuff. We are linving seperatly but I miss him a lot. I hope it will last and that someday ill be able to accept him and his defaults like he accepts mine.
In a course of a single day, I can go from feeling happy staying in my partner’s home, to my OCD being triggered and then I instantly think and feel that my partner isn’t the right one for me because I’ll refuse to live in an ‘untidy home’. Then a hour later I’ll feel optimistic, and then.... You get the picture.
Omg i just wish that my therapist would diagnose me. I relate so much with people who are bpd. Especially your comment lol...i pick fights about the tidiness all the time, then i think about it, and I’m better. It’s exhausting!
I can't stress enough how thankful I am for this video, and for many others I just saw you have about BPD. Everywhere over the internet people with BPD are represented badly, as "abusers"/"toxic people you should stay away from at all cost", it hurts so bad and no matter how much I search, it's so hard to find any piece of help or information to help us understand our problem, how to fix it, and actually show empathy towards us. It means so much to me. I'm trying so hard to change for the better, and this video was a huge help. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.
It's hard being with someone with BPD. I'm married to someone with it, and it's hard daily. She has broken up with me at least 6 or 7 times in 6yrs. All come out of nowhere, and the reasons always change. Like a moving goal post. Once I do one thing she wants I am now in trouble for not doing this new thing I didn't know I was doing wrong yet. Right now we are separated 2 months. She went from talking to me about the marriage, and waiting to file for divorce, to the silent treatment and divorce papers coming soon! Threatening me with that a few times this past few weeks. The demise of the marriage is all my fault. No accountability. Had some of the most nasty/hurtful things I've ever been told about myself. I finally went off on her a bit and told her all the evil things she has done to me over the years. Silence.....havent heard from her since. She still texts my oldest daughter.
Sad to hear. Sadly I had to halt any relationship with my daughter. The damage was so great that it was beyond repair. After using all the techniques explained by professionals, the verbal and emotional abuse was far too much to accept any longer. It’s a double edged sword. The loss is tremendous while the relief is incredible. She was the greatest joy of my life yet the most evil person I’ve actually ever known. Time to care for myself now.
I was only diagnosed in March but suspected I had BPD for several months before this. I hope you can get a diagnosis, it honestly has helped me hugely knowing WHY I can act/feel a certain way and getting more specific treatment. ❤️
Same it fkn sucks right? I had a mental health assessment the other day and they said basically it could take years to see a proper psychiatrist and I know therapy can cost a lot £££ per session and that’s even if it’s with the right therapist and being able to trust them. Everyday is a loop it has been for years. Although it really is hell being undiagnosed and not getting proper help, I sorta envy those who are diagnosed and are getting the right help :/
@@SarandipityStudios some therapist don't diagnose because it can be used as a reason to explain your problems (and not change, and many in our society like to brag about how bad we have it, competitive victim psychology) instead of you just meeting the criteria for insurance reimbursement. Some will find the label insulting and avoid therapy.
@@jrg305 oh wow, that's very interesting hadn't thought of that. I guess for me it's more like looking for an explanation more than a label. Or even, just having something to identify it so I can search it to help overcome the symptoms like how I found Dr. Fox's channel.. otherwise I'd be fumbling and looking in the wrong direction. But I guess I can see why they want to avoid labels. If I never heard about BPD I wouldn't have found this channel or the book "get me out of here" all super useful. There's definitely so much more for us as a society to learn about mental health. Needs to be talked about more!
Dr. Fox. I may be an anonymous viewer of your channel but I discovered you a year ago and just in time apparently. I was on the fence with the decision of giving up entirely when I found your videos and it’s been a struggle to rewire my thought pattern and every day attitude and fight my drug addictions but you helped me. I took that and was trying to help my sister with the same mental issues and drug abuse but the message didn’t get through to her. She took her own life April 6th of this year and if not for finding this door to getting real help I’m scared to think what I may have done when I pulled her out of the closet and saw my sisters face. I did let go for a minute and revert back to trying to destroy the whole world but I knew better and I let it pass. I’m still struggling daily with thoughts of her and my family’s past and the events that led to what happened but I’m still alive and I’m in ultimate control of how I react to life. You helped. Thank you. I wish I could have reached her but I can only offer info to others. I can’t change anyone but myself.
Wow, I'm recently out of a relationship and everything you said applied. I caused so much damage to her and I feel terrible about it. As such I have decided to give her space to heal and I need to figure myself out. But therein lies the problem. I don't know who I am without her. I don't know what I like. I'm just in this foggy space of not knowing anything and it's unnerving. Like I'm slipping below the surface and I'm flailing wildly to stay afloat.
'Flailing?'😆 Im sorry but this is exactly what this feels like...I definitely agree that bpd's can just give up on relationships completely..I believe these are the people who must be the 'Cabin Men' who live alone peacefully in the forest. Im starting to wonder if maybe I shud just stay out here in the ocean and float Awaaay.🏊♂️🌊
Aw man, I'm so sorry dude. If you feel bad about it though, you've got a conscience. And although this might sound counterintuitive, that is something to celebrate. There's a lot of people with no self-awareness who wouldn't feel bad about this. It's very good of you to give her space to heal. If you feel like you must make amends, you can always write her a letter later on--she doesn't have to reply. Or just leave her alone. You seem to have a good moral compass at this point; you know you best. As far as healing on your own, for the guilt, you can look up the concept of a "moral injury". When we do bad things that we recognize as bad, this is the term in psychology for what we suffer from as a result. Learning this concept and practicing some of the therapy for it might help you. For establishing an identity on your own, I'm not sure if I can speak to that, because I'm still struggling with that too, as a person who is continually recovering from BPD. I think that it might help to make some close friends. Once you meet people you can really be yourself around, you might learn who you are on your own. I know it's tough if you're already out of college or if you aren't in it, or if you don't have a social circle, but that's really what has helped me stay stable (at least on the surface) and productive at work. That's still tough though, so I can recommend a few things. First, volunteering is a great way to get to know compassionate, accepting people. It also gives you an amazing sense of gratitude, if you're working with poor/disadvantaged people. Secondly, another thing I like is club/organized sports. You can find these on like meetup.com. I have many friends who've done this and really enjoyed it. Exercise is great of course, and though the people you meet might not be all compassionate, they're generally doing interesting or motivating things. Thirdly, part of what's led to somewhat of an identity for me is learning and engaging in hobbies and other things I enjoy. When you can share excitement for a topic with people, they'll naturally gravitate toward you. Finally, I know this sounds weird, and it's not related to making friends or anything, but examining your morals and reading some moral philosophy or figuring out your values and drawing some boundaries and deciding to stick to them is a great way to build a sense of self. I'm still struggling with all of this and figuring it out, but it seems to be helping. Even if you don't like people that much, you can still talk to people online or relate to people through the internet via communities on Reddit or Discord or whatnot. I hope any of this helps you build a sense of self and identity on your own. If you're still struggling with being mindful or tolerating the distress or emotions that BPD causes us to deal with, you can also check out dialectical behavioral therapy. If you don't have the energy to start doing some of these things, you might like to just simulate it in your head and see where that leads you. Good luck!
I struggle with this big time. I have BPD and I use seeing them or being intimate with someone as a source of validation. I’m really hard work for my partners and I know I am.
Where are these women like You..you all should have a meeting somewhere. Women out here nowadays have too Less Love. A woman who needs love and caring all the time sounds like a Miracle...
It took me a few years to learn how to not think this way. I had to practice everyday by observing my strong emotions and thoughts and quietly write them down to (only) share with my therapist the next week. We would go over them, looking for the cognitive distortions. Then she helped me find an affirmation for each of my cognitive distortions. She said that if I did the work, I either wouldn’t need medicine or not as much medicine. This video is a great help because that was decades ago. It helps to have these concepts refreshed.
This is interesting... I do split, but it’s not because I am codependent in my relationships. Actually, I’m really afraid and uncomfortable with codependent relationships and someone relying too much on me or trying to make me their “everything” makes me split and want to run away. Most of the time I split when I’m triggered and become convinced that someone doesn’t really care about me... but I don’t think it’s grounded in fears of abandonment or codependency... 🤔
This was extemely helpful to me and it even helped me to laugh at myself. You are really spot on with everything. It's like your repeating my lived experiences back to me! I am so greatful that you share your knowledge and bpd insights with such accuracy and compassion so that people like me who struggle to get mental health treatment can learn and help themselves. Thankyou from the uk
I recently learned about "splitting," which I hadn’t heard of before. For me, it happens when emotional pain becomes overwhelming-I feel the need to leave or, as my sister puts it, to "run away." This pattern has repeated with every significant event in my life. I don’t regret those decisions; each has been a pivotal, life-changing moment. Currently, I’m in a sound and solid marriage. However, my in-laws, particularly my sister-in-law, bring tremendous emotional pain. This time, I don’t want to leave alone-I want to leave with my husband. But I can’t, which means, for the first time in nearly 60 years, I have to stand still and face my pain. It’s been two years now, and it’s incredibly hard. My husband acknowledges his sister’s issues, which helps, but she’s a bully and a manipulator, and I struggle to cope with her behaviour. It’s all too familiar because I grew up with my mum, who also has narcissistic traits-though hers are far more pronounced. Both women trigger the same deep emotional wounds, making this even more challenging.
I have BPD, diagnosed years ago. In relationships with me, I just have too high of expectations for my partner. I definitely don’t want them around 100% of the time, or want them to be me. I am a great human being. I have been living a vegan lifestyle for over 10 years. I am kind, I help animals daily, I help the elderly, or just people in general. I give so much in a relationship, and that’s what I want in return. If I don’t get it, I’m out...
This reminds me when i deal with abandonment with my bf, also when he had some family betrayal he came home and i didnt say hi to him the right way and i think he split and broke up with me. Fear and lack of security make us do funny things, As Dr. Fox said, Defense mechanism, ego , little self thinks to keep yourself safe. I also listened to an interested point of view about denial from a Buddha Dharma talk, that denial allows us to look a little be horrified, a little more and be scared, a little more, and then one day we will be able to be in the reality. I just wanted to share. Thank you for your help Dr. Fox. Love and Kindness. We are all on a journey to heal, the fact we are in a human body means we have work to do.
i am beyond grateful for your videos. i just got into my first relationship this year and it’s been so difficult for me at times bc i want to define the relationship and make it perfect and want my partner to always act a certain way towards me/with me. and if he doesn’t i immediately get upset and think he’s done with me. this helps me so much to separate my identity from him and the relationship. you’re the best!!!!
I bought your workbook that's hanging on your wall a little while ago. As a result of being *me* 😅😂, I havent started much of it yet, but every time I watch your videos I feel a little bit more motivation to get my shit together and be my best self. You're awesome. Please keep being the online therapist that we wish we all had in real life 💖
This is exactly how I built my relationships. I wanted, I needed and I got it and being absolutely happy for years. But now after I watched all videos about BPD I realised that "normal" people build their relationships absolutely differently. It's like a new universe for me! Thank you for the content Dr. Fox.
I guess you are BPD , if yes do you like your partners or love ? after some month do you feel like you don't love him anymore & look for a new relationship? pls let me know
Hi my bpd friends! Biggest hug with love 💖🤗 With your content and workbook (alongside doctor care), I was able to break a couple of habits so far: impulsive shopping (from needing a new identity) and surprisingly impulsive eating. I was nearly obese at 165 cm (5'5). I lost 11 kg (25 lbs). My weight: 79 kg to 68 kg (175 lbs to 150 lbs). Climbing the mountain of recovery. Is impulsive eating common in bpd? Thank you Dr. Fox, Cheers from Ontario Canada
I restrict my food to control when everyone and everything is chaotic and my therapist has considered this to be self harm and nearly committed me for a psych hold before. I’m not currently restricting and haven’t to that degree in 4 years. Diagnosed bpd since 90’s. I’ve attributed to my bpd most definitely.
You're doing so great💜 Dr. Fox's workbook helps so much in understanding the emotional buttons. I feel like I can control my impulses a lot better now after doing the exercises. We are in this together✨✨✨
You're the sweetest, Natalie ❤️ your comments are always so uplifting 😁 congratulations on your weight loss!! Impulsivity is most definitely a part of BPD... including eating impulsively 😁 I struggle w impulsively/binge eating as well
Dr. Fox, I'm a doctorate student in psychology with a passion for working with person disorders, thank you for these incredible videos, you're one of the few professionals I've heard who normalizes the BPD experience
This video basically explains all my relationships especially the last one .. the hardest one of all .. Again Dr. Fox I'm in therapy because of your videos, a month and a half now and the doctor said I'm getting better really fast ❤❤ Thank you for making time for us ❤ I hope one day I can see you and pay you back for saving my life ❤
The splitting for me is so all encompassing and overwhelming I can't seem to stop it. For me it's a quite literal uncontrollable need to get away from that person. I wish I could figure out how to gain some control of this.
My husband and I follow your channel and videos and you have been a tremendous help to me and my husband. I am a BPD and all these troubles have popped up in our relationship. So God bless you
I've definitely experienced "splitting", but not for the reasons named here. I'm not desperate for attention or affection and I don't end relationships so the other person can't leave me. I do it when I feel like they wronged me in some way (usually very minor things) because I think I deserve better than to be mistreated. Once someone has wronged me I completely cut them out of my life. Not sure if this is even BPD.
Thank you so much!! I'd like more videos on a romantic relationships. Please do make more about to deal with criticism from your partner and about how to deal with anger during arguments
Gosh my wife left with our 9 month old when her aunt arrived the moment the travel ban was lifted. They were supposed to spend some time away. What I didn’t know was that her mom funded an attorney and she filed for dissolution and rather then discuss it she pushed therapy which she never did attend. Instead she used my getting therapy as a way to build a stronger case for custody and by the time I got notified thirty days later, she had already gotten the courts to award her full custody. She had no intention of co-parenting and it became very obvious by her actions as she ended up moving back to her mothers in the uk with our girl who will be two in Feb. it’s been a very difficult year, mom doesn’t even send me a photo of my baby , zero nothing , it’s beyond belief and unimaginable. Gosh. Very sad.
Thank you so much for all the help, you're like the sage of BPD. There's not much understanding or help for people like us in the country I live in. When I found your channel I literally started crying, finally finding clear content that helped me understand and deal with myself better. Thank you so so much.
thank you, daniel; the more I learn about BPD the more I want to cry. I still don't know if I have it and the environment I live in isn't safe for me to reach out to a professional who can give me a diagnosis but in the meantime, I am seeing a licensed professional counselor from the college I attend. I'm also happy that you use "we" and make us feel as if you're not just talking to us but _with_ us. best, cass:')
This was such a good video Dr Fox. When I was with my ex-fiance, I literally felt that he was so clingy and he needed me to be there with him all.the.time. Like we had to do everything together, and that we had to have the exact same views. He would even get snippy when I disagreed with him. So stressful.
My ex had bpd nd he actually ruined me. I still love him. I actually diagnosed his bpd he didn't knew. I cared for him a lot loved him like there's nothing else in the world. But he keeps breaking up with me every other day because of smallest things. I have abandonment anxiety, I told him that beforeour relationship that please I have anxiety dont punish me by breaking up everyday nd leave me like this just because its ur problem that u r insecure nd all. I tried a lot but It took me a lot to at last gain the courage to get out of the relationship. I know he wont gonna be happy because he is soo fool person everyone uses him nd left him. I still feel sad for him I want to care for him but he doesn't understand his own good. I am still waiting for him to come back to me.
Thank you so much Dr. Daniel Fox because this video and the rest of the videos that you have created helped me a lot to identify splitting episodes when they are about to come as well as the triggers. In my case, though I am able to identify and control my reactions with mantras and try to work on my own goals, sometimes I feel that I tend to isolate myself from people in my intention to follow my goals which make me feels confused if it is another type of splitting episode. Specially, when I say to myself that I do this intentionally to not depend on someone or not to give the impression of being so attached. Suddently, I see myself away and avoiding communication for few weeks with the people that I love and care in spite of wanting to know how they are. It is very difficult for me to reach a neutral stage between extreme love and complete indiference.
Thank you so much. I wanted to find videos to help me with my struggles, but every video I found was on how to date someone with BPD. Thank you for recognizing that we want help and want to understand ourselves. Those videos make me feel like the villain, and you've made me feel like a person.
What I really appreciate about Dr. Fox is his belief, optimism and motivation for those with bpd to do better, to succeed. So many videos I have watched paint those with bpd to be so destructive and beyond hope. Thank you Dr. Fox for being hopeful.
Sometimes i think that to have a relationship without neglect, abuse, without many little lies , my partner would need to have an ability to care about what i feel, just like i would. But sometimes it looks to me like a fairy tale with codependency. Yet i hope this is not, really, i just tend to be open and trust people, and be more or less confident that they say what they think, and i am little uncomfortable when i see how people say one thing, but they do something different, but with a very close person it's heartbreaking.
If someone I truly care about hurts me, like REALLY hurts me- I can do & say some shitty terrible things to them. I am never proud of those moments, but I also wish that they could've recognized what I was really capable of whenever my pain reaches that point and taken me more seriously when I am trying to tell them I am at my limit.
I have experienced this so much in my life that i don't want to do anymore in my life with people with mental disorders. Once i leave the house i will live for me and only me
Dr. Fox, I’ve been bingeing your videos and they’re so helpful. I appreciate you. I am a non-BPD who was in a relationship with a BPD and am currently a casualty of splitting. I didn’t know or understand what was happening until it was too late. Do you have any videos that would help me deal with this? It’s very painful.
I'm in the same situation.... I'm also casualty of splitting after 20 years of marriage with a BPD which I reconigzed way too late... it's so painful that I don't know if I ever be able to recover😭
So much needed right now... I often have this added complication when dating, that people I want to be with don't feel the same towards me or want to be in a relationship with me and other people. And while there are many who are not responsible with this, recently I've met a woman who is and really likes me, but also wants to date other people. And my sense of security is so triggered...and I don't know what to do. I don't know why I only seem to attract people who don't want to be exclusive with me or put me as their top priority and it never works out, even if some parts of it feel good, because it triggers all of the things you mentioned and makes me feel really sad, unloved and insecure, yes even unsave. I so badly want to change this, but I don't know how and meeting again and again people that won't put me as their first priority makes this even worse I think...even though I would probably still feel bad and jealous in a monogamous relationship where everything is fine, I even have this problem in (close) friendships. And I don't know when it's reasonable to be disappointed or demand a certain amount of time and love and what is the bpd talking...other aspects of my bpd I can handle, but dating is just a nightmare and the good never outweighs the really crappy feelings and paranoia it comes with.
@Dr. Daniel Fox you are absolutely the best online resources for learning about BPD you can get a pretty good understanding of BPD Just from watching your videos
Hugely helpful video, I wish my younger self could've known and understood this. So glad I know now and the video was a good reminder/recap. Thank you!
I really look forward to this as it's a big issue between me and my husband. It's hard for him to feel the pressure that he can easily cause me to split if he says or does something wrong but it's also hard for me because I don't want to turn against him but it feels like it's an automatic response that I cannot control. I bought your workbook when it came out but I've struggled to do it, I'm so worried about answering something wrong and messing it up. I also have such a huge idenity crisis/little self assurance that I can have a few didn't answers to some questions.
I wish there was a way that I could just know how Not to cause the splitting in someone I care about.. I feel like its an impossible task, but Im dedicated to finding a way...
Do you cling to each other? Because you both fear of abandonment... How is it to be with someone the same disorder? I am really curious if this disorder you have in common make you both feel safe.
Its always good to understand this disorder as best as necessary, to understand its not personal, but its not necessary to "hang in there" as your being figuratively beaten. Just hearing what your mind protectively forgot is shocking to think i/we ever participated in someone else's alternative reality. A one way street with a dead end.
You have given me so much insight and information I lo e you videos there help me understand my girlfriend and her thought path and how her brain works im trying so hard to help her and sometimes I fall short but it's never intentionally to hurt her I just wish she could see herself the way I do
Its incredibly interesting to hear you explain these things. My doctor wants to believe rhat i have a mood disorder bc he says you cant fix or medicate BPD. I believe that it is BPD. You are describing every relationship that i have ever had. It makes me laugh bc i thought that i was alone in this.
You might have both even, it depends. However, you got something wrong. I have both BPD and Bipolar 2, alongside with some anxiety problems. Bipolar is a chemical problem, an Imbalance if you wish that cannot be cured, only treated with lithium, depakine, lamotrigin, sometimes if stress levels are too high benzodiazepimes are also used. BPD as it is a personality disorder can be "fixed" because it is a set of behavioural patterns caused by some emotional regulatory underdevelopment due to abuse, or traumatic experience in early childhood, in rare cases it can be genetic but that's up to debate. Specialists have support groups, and therapies (CBT, DBT) that can help you get off the spectrum with many many hours of work.
Thank you so very much I'm going through this right now me and my girlfriend both have bpd and its been very hard but we love each other so much and this helped alot
Dealing with this as a male feels ridiculous at times. It's not that I'm not allowed to voice my frustrations, it's just that nobody takes me seriously. Amplifies my feelings of rejection.
Amazing - I smile along as you hit the mark , it’s so true. It’s hard aswel when you realize it an try to prevent but keep texting that person to explain yourself but then it seems like I’m just full of myself and never able to stop talking of myself which also makes us spiral , it’s crazy
I got annoyed at myself for how many times i selfishly thought "He's talking to his friends more than me, he might be getting closer to them more than me" and quickly reminded myself that he's allowed to have friends and have a good time without me. I hate that those thoughts aren't completely gone but I've made enough progress to analyze and conquer this complicated fight with myself. Just like you said, He's a person with his own goals and interests, he should feel like he has to be glued on to me. I want him to be happy too. Thanks for opening my eyes doc~
A 'false sense of safety' yes very apt description.... I place my partners on a pedestal then get very confused and upset when they do things that I don't like....grrrrrr I spend time away from her because I need to recuperate and deal with my festering resentment now that I have discovered behaviors which contradict my inner idea sling narrative about her...the enchantment phase is gone and the disillusionment phase is in full sway...thanks for a good video...did you know that Nietzsche wrote eloquently about building up resentment and the slave mentality? I liked Millon's passages about BPD patients finding themselves in an impossible dilemma: lead king a person and going it alone or putting up with intense frustrations and feelings of resentment.
Thank you doc! Please make more videos. I get overwhelmed so easily and get stress headaches and anxious thoughts all the time. I don't even know if i can survive on my own next time.
I'm stuck in a family that all do this. I used to do it too but don't anymore. So I'm left isolated and have absolutely not one person in my small family to talk to. No one. Because I was like that too, I don't have friends. The loneliness is very hard to live with.
It's so easy to hear, like it all sounds incredibly simple and it's the exact advice I'd give friends but somehow my BPD just sees it as another language completely 😂
The more I learn about bpd the more confused I am if I have it or not. I'm not sure if this applies to me, I dont see people as all good or bad but its like all my thoughts are contradictory. Like everything in my brain is black or white which contributes to the feeling of instability. Does anyone else relate to this?
Thank you for this! This seems to be how my children operate, they see me as all bad and my husband as all good. He was the lenient one in the family and I was the one with rules and standards. In the eyes of my children, I have nothing to offer them and Dad is all-knowing. In my case I am not permitted to have a relationship with my children, every visit is frot with a feeling of disdain for me while elevating their Dad as special. I am always relieved when the children leave, thankfully it's only once a year that they come. I also do not think the same way they do so I am seen as bad for that. Even when I draw back from them because I get weary of the nonsense they come back a little better but I can see they are trying hard to not show what they do and how they are, so I can never trust it. They are easily offended by the silliest things that most people would either laugh about or see as valued wisdom.
How to know if it's splitting, or merely codependent overlooking of red flags in the love bombing phase and naively not wanting to see the truth of a person and the lack of conruency of words/actions?
This is so accurate I’ve been struggling with this...I’m at the point where I don’t even want to date but this gives me hope that I can stop these harmful habits when the time comes. Thank you dr.fox
My BPD Ex told me that every man in her life has let her down and it was just a matter of time before I let her down too. Needless to say that she left me abruptly. I tried my best to be there for her but I guess the breakup was inevitable.
Thank you Dr. Daniel Fox for sharing and making this content accessible for everyone. I have recently been diagnosed with BPD after several misdiagnoses. Your videos have helped me have a better understanding of BPD and offers useful strategies to implement in my daily life.
There is only one book out there on bpd that I have read and know about. In my 64 years, I have come to accept my bpd traits. The only one I am hurting is myself. Trying to lift myself above this, by being aware of my own impulses. Tks
Is that the book called, I hate you; don't leave me? Or don't walk on eggshells? I'm inquiring about all the info on BPD that I can. I appreciate your input.
It is possible to recover from Bpd! I did. I was addicted to alcohol, drugs , I self harmed, had toxic relationships and vehemently hated myself. It took me 2 years of hard work in talk therapy and I healed through a combination of emotional awareness and, most importantly (for me), my relationship with my therapist. Now, I am genuinely happy. I love my life and I love *myself*!You CAN do it. I also want to add that I have almost completely recovered from my lack of self identity which was the hardest symptom for me. I feel like myself now. It’s amazingly settling and comforting.
Omg , I really needed to hear this , I just realized I have bpd , how old were you when you realized ?
@@ludocuore9014 around 18 i went to therapy. realized i had bpd/cptsd at 19. and i finished therapy at 20, but I'm going back for other issues. you can heal. It's painful, difficult, disheartening at times, but you come out the other end and look at your progress like :O omg, I really did it!! and you should be proud. I know how hard bpd is and the amount of suffering that comes from it, just remember that even if it feels like you're not making any progress, or it's getting worse, you *are* healing. you are trying, and slowly, it is working even if you can't see it at the moment. You can do it Ludo
@@Amelia-kw9om I’m 21 and I had the same problems as you did , I’m just not sure if I’m bpd or not , going for my first therapy session on Friday . Kinda scared .
@@ludocuore9014 hi ludo, i really hope your therapy session went well!
This gave me so much hope♥️
* me convincing myself that my best friend isn't even my real friend and just cutting them off will save me a lot of future emotional distress all because they're not messaging me as often for a couple of days* - I struggle with accepting that my friends don't get tired of me so I push them away before they can push me away.
Anyways, this is actually exactly what I needed to see right now. Thank you. ❤
This is me too, but only with one particular friend. None of my other ones.
You are me I am you . I quietly just leave them alone 😬😬
Same girl! This is so hard for me! But it feels good to know Im not alone. It is so painful to feel like your closest friend doesnt even love or care about you. Recently I was convinced my best friend was talking crap behind my back to a guy that I liked. I'm still trying to convince myeslf it didnt happen!
Totally, I lost my best friend that way. I even have a breakup procedure like in a love relationship to break up with my friends
How many times I have to push down the urge to block them after becoming vulnerable is crazy, actually. Just the urge in itself is primal and is rooted in the extreme need for self-preservation.
too exhausting to try protect another from my poison within and too exhausting to allow my vulnerability to open the doorway to experience further damage
so so true
Aww I’m sorry sweetie, I understand 😘💜
@Joe Bien Hang in there joe, Novembers just around the corner...
I mean..Thers Always taking Responsibility. But if forgot that wont give you the victim mindset..Riiight.
100%
Whew. Yes. Yep. Choking down that truth.
I feel so insecure with myself that I gravitate to very self assured people.
My husband is so comfortable with himself, so confident. When I met him I loved him immediately. This calm energy he has around him, its addictive. If I didn't have someone so patient and understanding and concrete as him... I honestly dont believe I would have lived this long. He is so good at setting boundaries and being consistent and honest, our relationship has been such a huge growing point for me.
Thank you so much for the helpful advice! It feels good to have it laid out from an uncluttered perspective!
This is the most helpful comment I've read on here..
God bless that man!
I would like to give you the full credit, because you let him know what sickness you have, otherwise believe me its hell... again good luck to all, pls keep sharing your feelings with him never make the distance.
I just recently realised that my relationship pattern is completely erratic, I didn't identified myself as a splitter. In fact it is like all my relationships, friends and partners especially, have a timer, an 'expiration date': every 1 or 2 years maximum, I feel nothing but disinterest, I don't even understand why I used to care for this person, it is very sudden, violent and without a clear object of rejection. In truth I had toxic relationships, and it wasn't even the motive to leave: my brain seems to be formated to leave people after some time, not to be too attached... I always leave whenever I feel it's too intimate, too secure, which is what I crave for (I know, it has no sense). And I make everyone around me suffers. Every new relationship is a way for me to 'reinvente' my life, but it's tiring and hurtful... sick of this all/nothing thinking.
I'm struggling so bad right now. I left my girlfriend, I couldn't take her abuse anymore. She used to break up with me a lot, I'd say almost 100 times in the span of 8 years and it was crazy making for me. I did crazy things to either get her back or get back at her. She would make accusations that were out of nowhere and I'd be defending myself from a total made up story that she created in her head. From cheating, using drugs, hiding text messages, hooking up with people at work, lying about my hours at work, even being in an alleyway with someone at work. Just total left field stuff. I tried being so perfect for her, I avoided confrontation, worked hard on myself to learn effective communication, financial responsibility, I changed the way I would speak to be more articulate. All to avoid being criticized. Even then, anything would set her off. I left a hanger on the bathroom and was lectured while at work. I accidentally put my darks in the washer when she still had lights in there. I was lectured for two days. It got so bad that I left town because I couldn't take it anymore. I left her when she told me I was selfish for taking care of myself. She also told me I freeload off her which is far from the truth. I've always been very generous with her and helpful. I was so angry and fed up that I told my mom I hated her. She heard me while watching me on her camera. She now tells me I have borderline personality disorder, that I'm scary, mentally unstable and full of rage. I'd never hurt her, I never even expressed anger towards her. I've been annoyed or frustrated with her but I've become super hurt and yes angry in times where she either left me or made me sound like a horrible partner. Anytime I've expressed anything other than happiness, I'm then deemed selfish, a victim and making it about me, incapable of holding her feelings. It didn't take her long to get on dating sites and meet new people. I'm feeling awful and cNt even imagine being with another person. 😞 I needed to vent. Her calling me borderline led me here. I'm not that though.
Sounds awful. Hope you’re doing better now
Sounds like my ex mate. To a tee.
Most likely she has her own mental health issues and as much as we try to forgive and change for them there’s no excuse for bad behaviour if someone doesn’t try to help themselves unfortunately. Like he said we have to make ourselves the priority
Same boat brothers. Was supposed to be married already. Her mom flew to my country and paid for her daughter to live here while she gets help but she's an alcoholic so it counters the meds and fuels the bpd. When her Mom came she relapsed bad. Now it's getting meds balanced again but all she can focus on is going back to have access to booze.
Im not going to lie, I was nervous about watching this video. I thought I’d feel called out. But it was helpful in defining that what is going on in my relationship is about my boundaries, not splitting as my partner sometimes suggests. I can have boundaries and stand by them and NOT split. ❤️ thank you.
Same, its been in my watch later list for forever
Ikr. This guy is amazing, I pretty much trust his videos now.
i just listened to this 5 times in a row and i will keep listening to it KEEP LISTENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I thank you Dr daniel so much for putting out content that really affects people like myself with BPD it has resulted me in being alone :(
Yeah you are not the only one. I live alone and its probaly best that way indead. Since I'm not really better. Well I am very aware of my black and white. It's kind of comforting but everybody knows im not normal.....ive been in a relation for 3 and a half year and the guy is an angel. Im heavy metal stuff. We are linving seperatly but I miss him a lot. I hope it will last and that someday ill be able to accept him and his defaults like he accepts mine.
SAME
In a course of a single day, I can go from feeling happy staying in my partner’s home, to my OCD being triggered and then I instantly think and feel that my partner isn’t the right one for me because I’ll refuse to live in an ‘untidy home’. Then a hour later I’ll feel optimistic, and then.... You get the picture.
Abilify helps me with compulsiveness, paranoia, delusions, etc.
Omg i just wish that my therapist would diagnose me. I relate so much with people who are bpd. Especially your comment lol...i pick fights about the tidiness all the time, then i think about it, and I’m better. It’s exhausting!
😭😭😭😭😭 yep
ARE YOU ME??
I can't stress enough how thankful I am for this video, and for many others I just saw you have about BPD. Everywhere over the internet people with BPD are represented badly, as "abusers"/"toxic people you should stay away from at all cost", it hurts so bad and no matter how much I search, it's so hard to find any piece of help or information to help us understand our problem, how to fix it, and actually show empathy towards us. It means so much to me. I'm trying so hard to change for the better, and this video was a huge help. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.
ThANK YOU!!!!!!!!
It's hard being with someone with BPD. I'm married to someone with it, and it's hard daily. She has broken up with me at least 6 or 7 times in 6yrs. All come out of nowhere, and the reasons always change. Like a moving goal post. Once I do one thing she wants I am now in trouble for not doing this new thing I didn't know I was doing wrong yet. Right now we are separated 2 months. She went from talking to me about the marriage, and waiting to file for divorce, to the silent treatment and divorce papers coming soon! Threatening me with that a few times this past few weeks. The demise of the marriage is all my fault. No accountability. Had some of the most nasty/hurtful things I've ever been told about myself. I finally went off on her a bit and told her all the evil things she has done to me over the years. Silence.....havent heard from her since. She still texts my oldest daughter.
Sad to hear. Sadly I had to halt any relationship with my daughter. The damage was so great that it was beyond repair. After using all the techniques explained by professionals, the verbal and emotional abuse was far too much to accept any longer. It’s a double edged sword. The loss is tremendous while the relief is incredible. She was the greatest joy of my life yet the most evil person I’ve actually ever known. Time to care for myself now.
This is a huge help, I'm not currently diagnosed but I suspect I have BPD traits. Thank you for providing this content. Subscribed ❤
I was only diagnosed in March but suspected I had BPD for several months before this. I hope you can get a diagnosis, it honestly has helped me hugely knowing WHY I can act/feel a certain way and getting more specific treatment. ❤️
@@neutrallynonsensical3477 Thank you, I'll be starting a therapy program and should find out soon 🙏❤
Same it fkn sucks right? I had a mental health assessment the other day and they said basically it could take years to see a proper psychiatrist and I know therapy can cost a lot £££ per session and that’s even if it’s with the right therapist and being able to trust them. Everyday is a loop it has been for years. Although it really is hell being undiagnosed and not getting proper help, I sorta envy those who are diagnosed and are getting the right help :/
@@SarandipityStudios some therapist don't diagnose because it can be used as a reason to explain your problems (and not change, and many in our society like to brag about how bad we have it, competitive victim psychology) instead of you just meeting the criteria for insurance reimbursement. Some will find the label insulting and avoid therapy.
@@jrg305 oh wow, that's very interesting hadn't thought of that. I guess for me it's more like looking for an explanation more than a label. Or even, just having something to identify it so I can search it to help overcome the symptoms like how I found Dr. Fox's channel.. otherwise I'd be fumbling and looking in the wrong direction. But I guess I can see why they want to avoid labels. If I never heard about BPD I wouldn't have found this channel or the book "get me out of here" all super useful. There's definitely so much more for us as a society to learn about mental health. Needs to be talked about more!
Dr. Fox. I may be an anonymous viewer of your channel but I discovered you a year ago and just in time apparently. I was on the fence with the decision of giving up entirely when I found your videos and it’s been a struggle to rewire my thought pattern and every day attitude and fight my drug addictions but you helped me. I took that and was trying to help my sister with the same mental issues and drug abuse but the message didn’t get through to her. She took her own life April 6th of this year and if not for finding this door to getting real help I’m scared to think what I may have done when I pulled her out of the closet and saw my sisters face. I did let go for a minute and revert back to trying to destroy the whole world but I knew better and I let it pass. I’m still struggling daily with thoughts of her and my family’s past and the events that led to what happened but I’m still alive and I’m in ultimate control of how I react to life. You helped. Thank you. I wish I could have reached her but I can only offer info to others. I can’t change anyone but myself.
Wow, I'm recently out of a relationship and everything you said applied. I caused so much damage to her and I feel terrible about it. As such I have decided to give her space to heal and I need to figure myself out. But therein lies the problem. I don't know who I am without her. I don't know what I like. I'm just in this foggy space of not knowing anything and it's unnerving. Like I'm slipping below the surface and I'm flailing wildly to stay afloat.
'Flailing?'😆 Im sorry but this is exactly what this feels like...I definitely agree that bpd's can just give up on relationships completely..I believe these are the people who must be the 'Cabin Men' who live alone peacefully in the forest.
Im starting to wonder if maybe I shud just stay out here in the ocean and float Awaaay.🏊♂️🌊
Need a good therapist and a support group. Jesús as part of the support group will be great for you!
Aw man, I'm so sorry dude. If you feel bad about it though, you've got a conscience. And although this might sound counterintuitive, that is something to celebrate. There's a lot of people with no self-awareness who wouldn't feel bad about this. It's very good of you to give her space to heal. If you feel like you must make amends, you can always write her a letter later on--she doesn't have to reply. Or just leave her alone. You seem to have a good moral compass at this point; you know you best.
As far as healing on your own, for the guilt, you can look up the concept of a "moral injury". When we do bad things that we recognize as bad, this is the term in psychology for what we suffer from as a result. Learning this concept and practicing some of the therapy for it might help you.
For establishing an identity on your own, I'm not sure if I can speak to that, because I'm still struggling with that too, as a person who is continually recovering from BPD. I think that it might help to make some close friends. Once you meet people you can really be yourself around, you might learn who you are on your own. I know it's tough if you're already out of college or if you aren't in it, or if you don't have a social circle, but that's really what has helped me stay stable (at least on the surface) and productive at work. That's still tough though, so I can recommend a few things. First, volunteering is a great way to get to know compassionate, accepting people. It also gives you an amazing sense of gratitude, if you're working with poor/disadvantaged people. Secondly, another thing I like is club/organized sports. You can find these on like meetup.com. I have many friends who've done this and really enjoyed it. Exercise is great of course, and though the people you meet might not be all compassionate, they're generally doing interesting or motivating things. Thirdly, part of what's led to somewhat of an identity for me is learning and engaging in hobbies and other things I enjoy. When you can share excitement for a topic with people, they'll naturally gravitate toward you. Finally, I know this sounds weird, and it's not related to making friends or anything, but examining your morals and reading some moral philosophy or figuring out your values and drawing some boundaries and deciding to stick to them is a great way to build a sense of self.
I'm still struggling with all of this and figuring it out, but it seems to be helping. Even if you don't like people that much, you can still talk to people online or relate to people through the internet via communities on Reddit or Discord or whatnot. I hope any of this helps you build a sense of self and identity on your own. If you're still struggling with being mindful or tolerating the distress or emotions that BPD causes us to deal with, you can also check out dialectical behavioral therapy. If you don't have the energy to start doing some of these things, you might like to just simulate it in your head and see where that leads you. Good luck!
I struggle with this big time. I have BPD and I use seeing them or being intimate with someone as a source of validation. I’m really hard work for my partners and I know I am.
See if my ex of 3 years could admit this I'd still be with her and wdnt have walked away. There is hope for you 😋
Yes, feel validation for having sex and feeling completely useless when they reject you ah. I thought this was normal though hahaha
Where are these women like You..you all should have a meeting somewhere. Women out here nowadays have too Less Love. A woman who needs love and caring all the time sounds like a Miracle...
Holy shit...im not alone! I'm bpd but also trans. This whole time I thought it was related to dysphoria
Being neglected is my “trigger.. eek.. awareness is EVERYTHING
It took me a few years to learn how to not think this way. I had to practice everyday by observing my strong emotions and thoughts and quietly write them down to (only) share with my therapist the next week. We would go over them, looking for the cognitive distortions. Then she helped me find an affirmation for each of my cognitive distortions. She said that if I did the work, I either wouldn’t need medicine or not as much medicine. This video is a great help because that was decades ago. It helps to have these concepts refreshed.
This is interesting... I do split, but it’s not because I am codependent in my relationships. Actually, I’m really afraid and uncomfortable with codependent relationships and someone relying too much on me or trying to make me their “everything” makes me split and want to run away. Most of the time I split when I’m triggered and become convinced that someone doesn’t really care about me... but I don’t think it’s grounded in fears of abandonment or codependency... 🤔
Goodness gracious BPD is so exhausting 🥺
For both involved
This was extemely helpful to me and it even helped me to laugh at myself.
You are really spot on with everything. It's like your repeating my lived experiences back to me!
I am so greatful that you share your knowledge and bpd insights with such accuracy and compassion so that people like me who struggle to get mental health treatment can learn and help themselves.
Thankyou from the uk
Thanks 🙏
I recently learned about "splitting," which I hadn’t heard of before. For me, it happens when emotional pain becomes overwhelming-I feel the need to leave or, as my sister puts it, to "run away." This pattern has repeated with every significant event in my life. I don’t regret those decisions; each has been a pivotal, life-changing moment.
Currently, I’m in a sound and solid marriage. However, my in-laws, particularly my sister-in-law, bring tremendous emotional pain. This time, I don’t want to leave alone-I want to leave with my husband. But I can’t, which means, for the first time in nearly 60 years, I have to stand still and face my pain. It’s been two years now, and it’s incredibly hard.
My husband acknowledges his sister’s issues, which helps, but she’s a bully and a manipulator, and I struggle to cope with her behaviour. It’s all too familiar because I grew up with my mum, who also has narcissistic traits-though hers are far more pronounced. Both women trigger the same deep emotional wounds, making this even more challenging.
I have BPD, diagnosed years ago. In relationships with me, I just have too high of expectations for my partner. I definitely don’t want them around 100% of the time, or want them to be me. I am a great human being. I have been living a vegan lifestyle for over 10 years. I am kind, I help animals daily, I help the elderly, or just people in general. I give so much in a relationship, and that’s what I want in return. If I don’t get it, I’m out...
OMG I wish anyone would have explained that pattern to me years ago... thank you so much for opening my eyes now
This reminds me when i deal with abandonment with my bf, also when he had some family betrayal he came home and i didnt say hi to him the right way and i think he split and broke up with me. Fear and lack of security make us do funny things, As Dr. Fox said, Defense mechanism, ego , little self thinks to keep yourself safe. I also listened to an interested point of view about denial from a Buddha Dharma talk, that denial allows us to look a little be horrified, a little more and be scared, a little more, and then one day we will be able to be in the reality. I just wanted to share. Thank you for your help Dr. Fox. Love and Kindness. We are all on a journey to heal, the fact we are in a human body means we have work to do.
Thank you doctor fox. You understand me more than anyone in my personal life ever has. And you don't think I or people like me are a weirdo.
@BPD World ❤️❤️ Nice channel you got!
I dont think that either..💜
@@colnohman5255 Thank you💜
@@colnohman5255 Hope you are doing fine :)
@@aarzooverma You too. I think this is gets easier with time, and these videos. 🧡
i am beyond grateful for your videos. i just got into my first relationship this year and it’s been so difficult for me at times bc i want to define the relationship and make it perfect and want my partner to always act a certain way towards me/with me. and if he doesn’t i immediately get upset and think he’s done with me. this helps me so much to separate my identity from him and the relationship. you’re the best!!!!
its great to hear this from a caring person.
I bought your workbook that's hanging on your wall a little while ago. As a result of being *me* 😅😂, I havent started much of it yet, but every time I watch your videos I feel a little bit more motivation to get my shit together and be my best self. You're awesome. Please keep being the online therapist that we wish we all had in real life 💖
One even told me " out of site out if mind " . Now I know what it means
I’ve said this so many times, not realizing it was disordered thinking.
Yes. It can b so cruel to think that in one second you wont matter...
It's only unreasonable until it happens to you.. It's not always delusional. Plenty of people do act like it.
I wish you would do videos of how to deal with an BPD in our lives. Survival skill when dealing with BPDs is very needed
This is exactly how I built my relationships. I wanted, I needed and I got it and being absolutely happy for years. But now after I watched all videos about BPD I realised that "normal" people build their relationships absolutely differently. It's like a new universe for me! Thank you for the content Dr. Fox.
Glad you’re growing. Be well.
I guess you are BPD , if yes do you like your partners or love ? after some month do you feel like you don't love him anymore & look for a new relationship? pls let me know
Hi my bpd friends! Biggest hug with love 💖🤗 With your content and workbook (alongside doctor care), I was able to break a couple of habits so far: impulsive shopping (from needing a new identity) and surprisingly impulsive eating. I was nearly obese at 165 cm (5'5). I lost 11 kg (25 lbs). My weight: 79 kg to 68 kg (175 lbs to 150 lbs). Climbing the mountain of recovery. Is impulsive eating common in bpd? Thank you Dr. Fox, Cheers from Ontario Canada
So proud of you Natalie. ❤️
I restrict my food to control when everyone and everything is chaotic and my therapist has considered this to be self harm and nearly committed me for a psych hold before. I’m not currently restricting and haven’t to that degree in 4 years. Diagnosed bpd since 90’s. I’ve attributed to my bpd most definitely.
You're doing so great💜 Dr. Fox's workbook helps so much in understanding the emotional buttons. I feel like I can control my impulses a lot better now after doing the exercises. We are in this together✨✨✨
Well done! I hope to follow in your footsteps of recovery. Much love xx
You're the sweetest, Natalie ❤️ your comments are always so uplifting 😁 congratulations on your weight loss!! Impulsivity is most definitely a part of BPD... including eating impulsively 😁 I struggle w impulsively/binge eating as well
Dr. Fox, I'm a doctorate student in psychology with a passion for working with person disorders, thank you for these incredible videos, you're one of the few professionals I've heard who normalizes the BPD experience
This video basically explains all my relationships especially the last one .. the hardest one of all .. Again Dr. Fox I'm in therapy because of your videos, a month and a half now and the doctor said I'm getting better really fast ❤❤ Thank you for making time for us ❤ I hope one day I can see you and pay you back for saving my life ❤
The splitting for me is so all encompassing and overwhelming I can't seem to stop it. For me it's a quite literal uncontrollable need to get away from that person. I wish I could figure out how to gain some control of this.
Hi hows it been ?
My husband and I follow your channel and videos and you have been a tremendous help to me and my husband. I am a BPD and all these troubles have popped up in our relationship. So God bless you
I've definitely experienced "splitting", but not for the reasons named here. I'm not desperate for attention or affection and I don't end relationships so the other person can't leave me. I do it when I feel like they wronged me in some way (usually very minor things) because I think I deserve better than to be mistreated. Once someone has wronged me I completely cut them out of my life.
Not sure if this is even BPD.
Thank you so much!! I'd like more videos on a romantic relationships. Please do make more about to deal with criticism from your partner and about how to deal with anger during arguments
Gosh my wife left with our 9 month old when her aunt arrived the moment the travel ban was lifted. They were supposed to spend some time away. What I didn’t know was that her mom funded an attorney and she filed for dissolution and rather then discuss it she pushed therapy which she never did attend. Instead she used my getting therapy as a way to build a stronger case for custody and by the time I got notified thirty days later, she had already gotten the courts to award her full custody. She had no intention of co-parenting and it became very obvious by her actions as she ended up moving back to her mothers in the uk with our girl who will be two in Feb. it’s been a very difficult year, mom doesn’t even send me a photo of my baby , zero nothing , it’s beyond belief and unimaginable. Gosh. Very sad.
Thank you so much for all the help, you're like the sage of BPD. There's not much understanding or help for people like us in the country I live in. When I found your channel I literally started crying, finally finding clear content that helped me understand and deal with myself better. Thank you so so much.
thank you, daniel; the more I learn about BPD the more I want to cry.
I still don't know if I have it and the environment I live in isn't safe for me to reach out to a professional who can give me a diagnosis but in the meantime, I am seeing a licensed professional counselor from the college I attend. I'm also happy that you use "we" and make us feel as if you're not just talking to us but _with_ us.
best,
cass:')
I take it as “we are becoming one” but now i realize this is what’s happening
Your videos make me feel heard as someone with BPD. Thank you
This was such a good video Dr Fox. When I was with my ex-fiance, I literally felt that he was so clingy and he needed me to be there with him all.the.time. Like we had to do everything together, and that we had to have the exact same views. He would even get snippy when I disagreed with him. So stressful.
Hm..can't tell if that's bpd or Narcissism
This video changed my life Dr.Fox‼️ Thank you so much !!
My ex had bpd nd he actually ruined me. I still love him. I actually diagnosed his bpd he didn't knew. I cared for him a lot loved him like there's nothing else in the world. But he keeps breaking up with me every other day because of smallest things. I have abandonment anxiety, I told him that beforeour relationship that please I have anxiety dont punish me by breaking up everyday nd leave me like this just because its ur problem that u r insecure nd all. I tried a lot but It took me a lot to at last gain the courage to get out of the relationship. I know he wont gonna be happy because he is soo fool person everyone uses him nd left him. I still feel sad for him I want to care for him but he doesn't understand his own good. I am still waiting for him to come back to me.
Thank you so much Dr. Daniel Fox because this video and the rest of the videos that you have created helped me a lot to identify splitting episodes when they are about to come as well as the triggers. In my case, though I am able to identify and control my reactions with mantras and try to work on my own goals, sometimes I feel that I tend to isolate myself from people in my intention to follow my goals which make me feels confused if it is another type of splitting episode. Specially, when I say to myself that I do this intentionally to not depend on someone or not to give the impression of being so attached. Suddently, I see myself away and avoiding communication for few weeks with the people that I love and care in spite of wanting to know how they are. It is very difficult for me to reach a neutral stage between extreme love and complete indiference.
Would you mind sharing the mantras that you use to help identify and control your reactions? They could perhaps help a few people.
Thank you so much. I wanted to find videos to help me with my struggles, but every video I found was on how to date someone with BPD. Thank you for recognizing that we want help and want to understand ourselves. Those videos make me feel like the villain, and you've made me feel like a person.
You’re welcome and I’m glad that you found the video helpful
What I really appreciate about Dr. Fox is his belief, optimism and motivation for those with bpd to do better, to succeed. So many videos I have watched paint those with bpd to be so destructive and beyond hope. Thank you Dr. Fox for being hopeful.
You are helping me understand myself so much better!! I cant thank you enough!!
Sometimes i think that to have a relationship without neglect, abuse, without many little lies , my partner would need to have an ability to care about what i feel, just like i would. But sometimes it looks to me like a fairy tale with codependency. Yet i hope this is not, really, i just tend to be open and trust people, and be more or less confident that they say what they think, and i am little uncomfortable when i see how people say one thing, but they do something different, but with a very close person it's heartbreaking.
If someone I truly care about hurts me, like REALLY hurts me- I can do & say some shitty terrible things to them. I am never proud of those moments, but I also wish that they could've recognized what I was really capable of whenever my pain reaches that point and taken me more seriously when I am trying to tell them I am at my limit.
You want someone with you; you don't NEED someone with you. My new mantra. THANK YOU
@@kevinsedwards you dont have to be a recluse if youre not in a relationship lol
I’m tired of splitting on people I love and breaking up with people for no good reason. I cannot seem to stop
It sounds like you're going through a tough time. Remember, it's okay to seek help and talk about what you're feeling. You're not alone in this.
watching this made me realise what I was really doing and how maladaptive my pattern of thoughts really were. This was eye-opening thank you
I have experienced this so much in my life that i don't want to do anymore in my life with people with mental disorders. Once i leave the house i will live for me and only me
Dr. Fox, I’ve been bingeing your videos and they’re so helpful. I appreciate you. I am a non-BPD who was in a relationship with a BPD and am currently a casualty of splitting. I didn’t know or understand what was happening until it was too late. Do you have any videos that would help me deal with this? It’s very painful.
I have a video for partners and parents.
I'm in the same situation.... I'm also casualty of splitting after 20 years of marriage with a BPD which I reconigzed way too late... it's so painful that I don't know if I ever be able to recover😭
I also understand too late.. you are not alone , Non-BPD person will not gonna understand this & its normal... pls look after your self
We are together 99.99% of the time
Jesus. 3:47 or so....
I needed to hear that.
My poor husband.
He tries so hard but I ask WAY too much of him emotionally.
This video is perfect. So much needed. Thank you for sharing Doctor.
So much needed right now...
I often have this added complication when dating, that people I want to be with don't feel the same towards me or want to be in a relationship with me and other people. And while there are many who are not responsible with this, recently I've met a woman who is and really likes me, but also wants to date other people. And my sense of security is so triggered...and I don't know what to do. I don't know why I only seem to attract people who don't want to be exclusive with me or put me as their top priority and it never works out, even if some parts of it feel good, because it triggers all of the things you mentioned and makes me feel really sad, unloved and insecure, yes even unsave. I so badly want to change this, but I don't know how and meeting again and again people that won't put me as their first priority makes this even worse I think...even though I would probably still feel bad and jealous in a monogamous relationship where everything is fine, I even have this problem in (close) friendships. And I don't know when it's reasonable to be disappointed or demand a certain amount of time and love and what is the bpd talking...other aspects of my bpd I can handle, but dating is just a nightmare and the good never outweighs the really crappy feelings and paranoia it comes with.
Your videos are honestly a life-saver when I am going through a rough time. Thanks for helping all of us on our healing journey
I am hurting myself and my family. I never knew I had this disorder until my psychiatrist. It actually makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
@Dr. Daniel Fox you are absolutely the best online resources for learning about BPD you can get a pretty good understanding of BPD Just from watching your videos
Hugely helpful video, I wish my younger self could've known and understood this. So glad I know now and the video was a good reminder/recap. Thank you!
I really look forward to this as it's a big issue between me and my husband. It's hard for him to feel the pressure that he can easily cause me to split if he says or does something wrong but it's also hard for me because I don't want to turn against him but it feels like it's an automatic response that I cannot control. I bought your workbook when it came out but I've struggled to do it, I'm so worried about answering something wrong and messing it up. I also have such a huge idenity crisis/little self assurance that I can have a few didn't answers to some questions.
I wish there was a way that I could just know how Not to cause the splitting in someone I care about.. I feel like its an impossible task, but Im dedicated to finding a way...
These videos are a huge eye opening... My boyfriend and I both have BPD, so we've been searching for assistance to better cope as issues arise.
Do you cling to each other? Because you both fear of abandonment... How is it to be with someone the same disorder? I am really curious if this disorder you have in common make you both feel safe.
You are a life saver Dr. Fox ❤ xx
@@averayugen1371 your opinion, not my reality. I hope you have a good day and be kind to yourself xx
Its always good to understand this disorder as best as necessary, to understand its not personal, but its not necessary to "hang in there" as your being figuratively beaten. Just hearing what your mind protectively forgot is shocking to think i/we ever participated in someone else's alternative reality. A one way street with a dead end.
You have given me so much insight and information I lo e you videos there help me understand my girlfriend and her thought path and how her brain works im trying so hard to help her and sometimes I fall short but it's never intentionally to hurt her I just wish she could see herself the way I do
Its incredibly interesting to hear you explain these things. My doctor wants to believe rhat i have a mood disorder bc he says you cant fix or medicate BPD. I believe that it is BPD. You are describing every relationship that i have ever had. It makes me laugh bc i thought that i was alone in this.
You might have both even, it depends.
However, you got something wrong. I have both BPD and Bipolar 2, alongside with some anxiety problems. Bipolar is a chemical problem, an Imbalance if you wish that cannot be cured, only treated with lithium, depakine, lamotrigin, sometimes if stress levels are too high benzodiazepimes are also used.
BPD as it is a personality disorder can be "fixed" because it is a set of behavioural patterns caused by some emotional regulatory underdevelopment due to abuse, or traumatic experience in early childhood, in rare cases it can be genetic but that's up to debate. Specialists have support groups, and therapies (CBT, DBT) that can help you get off the spectrum with many many hours of work.
You have no idea how much I needed to watch this right now. Thank you so much x
Thank you so very much I'm going through this right now me and my girlfriend both have bpd and its been very hard but we love each other so much and this helped alot
Writing key messages in the video is so helpful and deliver the messages clearly .. plz keep doing this
Dealing with this as a male feels ridiculous at times. It's not that I'm not allowed to voice my frustrations, it's just that nobody takes me seriously. Amplifies my feelings of rejection.
Hi can I ask u smth plz
Amazing - I smile along as you hit the mark , it’s so true. It’s hard aswel when you realize it an try to prevent but keep texting that person to explain yourself but then it seems like I’m just full of myself and never able to stop talking of myself which also makes us spiral , it’s crazy
I got annoyed at myself for how many times i selfishly thought "He's talking to his friends more than me, he might be getting closer to them more than me" and quickly reminded myself that he's allowed to have friends and have a good time without me. I hate that those thoughts aren't completely gone but I've made enough progress to analyze and conquer this complicated fight with myself. Just like you said, He's a person with his own goals and interests, he should feel like he has to be glued on to me. I want him to be happy too. Thanks for opening my eyes doc~
struggling with this right now so much! It is so hard for me to accept my partners beliefs. Especially when it comes to social injustices.
A 'false sense of safety' yes very apt description.... I place my partners on a pedestal then get very confused and upset when they do things that I don't like....grrrrrr I spend time away from her because I need to recuperate and deal with my festering resentment now that I have discovered behaviors which contradict my inner idea sling narrative about her...the enchantment phase is gone and the disillusionment phase is in full sway...thanks for a good video...did you know that Nietzsche wrote eloquently about building up resentment and the slave mentality? I liked Millon's passages about BPD patients finding themselves in an impossible dilemma: lead king a person and going it alone or putting up with intense frustrations and feelings of resentment.
All you videos are so informative. Thank you.
Thanks Dr. Fox. This is exactly the video I needed. I appreciate all you put out there to help.
Thank you soooooo much Dr fox Ur an angel for making these videos.
Thank you doc! Please make more videos. I get overwhelmed so easily and get stress headaches and anxious thoughts all the time.
I don't even know if i can survive on my own next time.
I'm stuck in a family that all do this. I used to do it too but don't anymore. So I'm left isolated and have absolutely not one person in my small family to talk to. No one.
Because I was like that too, I don't have friends. The loneliness is very hard to live with.
Work to change your social circle. Reach out, be active and include others in your life. I wish you well.
Great video. I love learning about myself and others in my life.
your channel is a godsend and is helping me greatly
Thank you so much for all you are doing for this community
It's so easy to hear, like it all sounds incredibly simple and it's the exact advice I'd give friends but somehow my BPD just sees it as another language completely 😂
The more I learn about bpd the more confused I am if I have it or not. I'm not sure if this applies to me, I dont see people as all good or bad but its like all my thoughts are contradictory. Like everything in my brain is black or white which contributes to the feeling of instability. Does anyone else relate to this?
Thank you for this! This seems to be how my children operate, they see me as all bad and my husband as all good. He was the lenient one in the family and I was the one with rules and standards. In the eyes of my children, I have nothing to offer them and Dad is all-knowing. In my case I am not permitted to have a relationship with my children, every visit is frot with a feeling of disdain for me while elevating their Dad as special. I am always relieved when the children leave, thankfully it's only once a year that they come. I also do not think the same way they do so I am seen as bad for that. Even when I draw back from them because I get weary of the nonsense they come back a little better but I can see they are trying hard to not show what they do and how they are, so I can never trust it. They are easily offended by the silliest things that most people would either laugh about or see as valued wisdom.
How to know if it's splitting, or merely codependent overlooking of red flags in the love bombing phase and naively not wanting to see the truth of a person and the lack of conruency of words/actions?
I am so thankful to have come across your videos, I have hope now for myself, & my relationships with others.
I love hearing his direction. It makes complete sense. Helps me tremendously.
This is so helpful and validating !
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Can't wait for this one! Thanks as always Dr. Fox!
I’d like to learn about splitting in cluster C personality disorders, I think that would be very interesting.
This is so accurate I’ve been struggling with this...I’m at the point where I don’t even want to date but this gives me hope that I can stop these harmful habits when the time comes. Thank you dr.fox
My BPD Ex told me that every man in her life has let her down and it was just a matter of time before I let her down too. Needless to say that she left me abruptly. I tried my best to be there for her but I guess the breakup was inevitable.
@@imjustbarelygettingstarted7352
I totally agree with you. No one can live up to these high expectations.
The fact you even care to watch this video..really shows your emotional intelligence. That's really cool.
@@TheWhisperTexan ..I take that as a Challenge 😏
@@colnohman5255 go for it
@@TheWhisperTexan 😈👍
Thank you Dr. Daniel Fox for sharing and making this content accessible for everyone. I have recently been diagnosed with BPD after several misdiagnoses. Your videos have helped me have a better understanding of BPD and offers useful strategies to implement in my daily life.
There is only one book out there on bpd that I have read and know about. In my 64 years, I have come to accept my bpd traits. The only one I am hurting is myself. Trying to lift myself above this, by being aware of my own impulses. Tks
Is that the book called, I hate you; don't leave me? Or don't walk on eggshells? I'm inquiring about all the info on BPD that I can. I appreciate your input.
@@XxeroPati3nt Sorry, it was so long ago that I no longer remember the title. Not the 2nd one you mention, that's for sure!