Why does my husband hate me? 3 powerful explanations! (my husband hates me)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ธ.ค. 2019
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This video is for you if you have been asking questions like: why does my husband hate me? Why does my husband ignore me? Why does my husband not love me anymore? Why does my husband ignore my feelings? Why does my husband not love me? Why does my husband cheat on me?
I am Jack Butler, I am a relationship coach and relationship teacher and I give relationship advice to women - I help you find real freedom, real love and real relationship. I coach and teach women globally through online programs, retreats and group and private coaching. I help women find Mr Right - I help women be loved by the right man for who they really are. Please subscribe to my channel here: bit.ly/jackbutlersubscribe
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The Bible says " A man nourishes and cherishes his own flesh..." i.e. HIS WIFE. If you are "hated" by him. He HATES himself. A person filled with Self-hatred IS DANGEROUS. Please take that attitude towards you, seriously.
That's true. But the bible also says that the woman is a help-mate. And if the man can cook, then so can she. Plus, she needs to clean up behind herself. And she needs to stop overspending or stealing money from the relationship. And also, some women play SEX games. When they started the relationship, she gave him plenty of sex. But later, she will withhold sex as a punishment.
And lastly, stop running us down or demonizing us to your friends and family. How would you like it if people were lying on you behind your back?
There you go... That should be enough for you to think on.
PS: Please keep studying the bible... I love studying the Word of God too.
Marcus Witt Both my ex husband and my sister’s current husband denied sex to us for years. I love how men always think it’s the woman who’s at fault.
It's a really strong statement for a woman to think that her husband hates her. I listened to this entire video and I admire and appreciate all of your videos, but I wish men and women alike would research Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Jack, I was hoping at one point you would have brought this up as a possibility. They say 1 in 7 individuals have a Cluster B personality disorder. I was clueless in the beginning! Narcissism is on a spectrum, so some are more malignant than others, but they generally all operate from the same playbook. These people can be so toxic and they do literally hate you, and their whole plan is to destroy you, as they also hate themselve deep down have zero empathy. I know I sound dramatic, but trust me, and anyone out there that has been in a relationship with a narcissist will know exactly what I am talking about. If you truly feel your spouse "hates" you, then I urge you to do your homework. While the vast majority of people go undiagnosed, it's mainly because they don't feel they have a problem and they are master manipulators. There are 9 common traits and a person only needs to possess 5 of the nine to be classified a narcissist. I had no clue what I was dealing with in the beginning until I hit the internet and began to educate myself.
In my opinion, Jack's advice should go to the person with narcissistic traits...but they're the last person who would hear and comprehend his advice. Lack of self-insight is #1 in most personality disorders (hence why I hope he doesn't start catering to them, since they have low chance of being able to change).
Also, I don't think narcissists hate, I think it's 50% proactive defensiveness and 50% disgust/superiority (since they need to maintain a false superiority). Hate is too deep. As a metaphor, most people don't hate spiders that much, people murder them and lack empathy for them because they think they're going to crawl on them or bite them or they feel disgust (even if they're not) and they feel entitled to murder because it's only a small spider. That's probably the depth of how a narcissist feels when he's abusing his wife in any way...pest control. He's not capable of hate or love....only himself...others are seen as small enough to squash without consequence. Hence why people in abusive relationships often die. It's not the abuser's big feelings of hate, it's his distorted perception and inability to self-reflect using empathy for others. He doesn't need hate to act that way when he has delusions and a lack of empathy.
@@Skweepa I certainly appreciate your response and agree with most of what you are saying. Most malignant narcissists or the ones with full-blown NPD are extremely envious of others, and I do believe they are full of hate, but it's mainly hatred for themselves that they project onto others because the ones nearest and dearest to them become their emotional punching bags. I was told numerous times at the end of my relationship with him that he "hated" me and those were his exact words. Towards the end the longer I stayed I heard some of the most heinous and vile things you could ever imagine. He wished me death in an auto accident, wished death on my entire family (whom he really didn't even know) and that he wished I was raped, etc... he said that's what I deserved. I don't know how much control he had over what he said, but none-the-less he said them. I believe all of what he said to me was projection and I look back now and I don't take any of it personally, but it still stings, because I know I didn't deserve any of it. They do come across as grandiose and arrogant but deep down they are empty, hateful people. I just want people to educate themselves in the dating world because though I didn't meet my narcissist through a dating app (and I have never been on one) I do know he has met a lot of his victims through dating sites.
@@1991windsor Yeah, I completely agree with the projection they do, I can agree hate they feel is probably projected self hate. But yeah, it's not hating you, it's hating themselves. I'm so sorry you had that experience and he said those things. Nobody deserves that from someone, especially not someone they love. And yes, dating sites have a much higher ratio of people like them and people need to actively filter them out as soon as possible. It's really not obvious, especially if you've had a "harmless" co worker or relative who acted like them...you have no clue the iceberg under there until you're in deep.
FYI for lurkers: A) yes women can have narcissistic traits too, B) both victims of abuse and abusers might say "why does ___hate me...or why do you hate me"...the difference is if the person has distorted perception based on entitlement or if they're responding to active aggression and abuse.
And similarly, stonewalling is abuse, and withdrawal is a common thing in response to the man being treated badly (and a woman's erroneous entitlement to his openness to influence) or due to his own emotional issues (the latter two are not abuse)... But luckily there is always an overall pattern of aggression, so nobody has to rely on withdrawing alone as the only marker of a man hating his partner nor do we have to assume "it's commonly the woman's fault when a woman feels like a man is withdrawn" because Jack made a video about it.
I'm a borderline personality disorder sufferer. I feel like hubby hates me. Conundrum in itself.
Makes me think of...when a man talks about his ex as "stubborn" it's a bit of a yellow flag in some contexts. It's a yellow flag if he was expecting something of her, and then judging her for not following his whim. And apparently he tried pressuring her often enough to call her "stubborn?"
It's more often entitlement on the accuser's part, rather than a flaw on the other person's part. Very subtle, but disrespectful/resentful of her feelings or even explicitly stated boundaries.
"They hate me" can sometimes have the same theme of a lack of taking responsibility (entitlement), pressuring, and a lack of empathy for the accused.
His whim?... is cooking and cleaning up behind herself a whim? Most modern women do not cook, clean, or take care of the kids like the women used to.
Then you women have your secret circle of female friends that you are surreptitiously mocking your husbands too; or she will mock him to her kids...all of this can make bitter feelings.
If you want more examples, just let me know... I have a huge list.
Or.. if he’s your boyfriend he no longer cares for you and doesn’t have the stones to break up with you but wants the cohabiting support you bring as he’s not prepared to take financial responsibility to live by himself. Experience has made me cynical I’m afraid; no loneliness is deeper than that which you feel while actually IN a relationship that’s gone/going bad. Until I can trust my ability to make better choices in partner and recognising red flags I’m staying single - I’m getting there, but it has taken some time and lots of self reflection and self realisation.
The right man for me is out there, and he’s not the only one (a scarcity mindset is dangerous) but I’m committed to making healthier choices for myself so that I’ll recognise him when I meet him and be in a position to move forward with him with the best version of ourselves. On the other hand, if I never meet him, I’m good on my own too. 💖
Yep, someone needs to start a super secret database of red/yellow flags and a list of men and their locations so we can study what to steer way clear of. It's not fair to expect every person or mom to teach everything, especially if they didn't have the same experience.
And yes, there are so many great men out there. It only takes one. :)
LadyJoolree I hear you, and I hope you get what you are looking for and I like that you are willing to enjoy your singleness, it’s a good place to come from. 🙏
LadyJoolree so right here right now. Taking positivity from your post. Thanks
LadyLexie A Good stuff 🙏
I used to think I was misunderstanding, then I found the texts messages between him and a "friend". Yes he hates me.
Aww, sorry you had that experience. Hopefully in future it can lead you to include/refine certain conversations about agreements and what's going on.
Dawns Delights Art I know of a man that can help you make your husband to love you
Dawns Delights Art contact him on WhatsApp
Been there... over 35 women in 10 years... It never stops once they start
Its my 25 yr anniversary and my husband left me 3 yr ago living with another woman and didn't sign the papers. Today i got triggered.
As always Jack, a deeper dive into our own actions and beliefs. Love your insights.
Pamela Lund Thank you - glad the deeper dive resonated 🙏
I truly believe that we are never responsible for how another person feels or thinks no matter how close they are to us.
Staying clear on motives, emotions, beliefs, values and behaviour is extremely hard in close relationships and requires continual daily self reflection, commitment to inner growth, great boundaries and self honesty.
When my husband gets into a place of hate l don’t ask myself why? l lovingly detach and focus on self love and make sure lm keeping my side of the fence clean and clear.
It’s not my responsibility to keep him loving or happy. He decides how happy he chooses to be. If he tries to focus his anger, self hate, confusion or freedom issues on me...l set a clear boundary that it’s not acceptable and he is completely responsible for himself, his inner work, his choices and behaviour at all times. He can choose not to be there, in the marriage or conversation at any time.
One legal document is not going to keep us together, freedom of choice will. When women make men responsible for their happiness this freedom goes. You may as well lock him in a cage it will feel the same to him and vice versa if a man dies this to a woman. Women want freedom too.
This is about allowing him to be who he really is in the moment without a inner dialogue of what have l done? I don’t have the power to disturb anyone, they may however choose to be disturbed. I simply don’t allow men the power to decide my worthiness or value. I get to choose where l put myself in relation to my husband at all times. I am not his mother, his life coach or his rehabilitation centre.
So much of this is about how we value ourselves before thinking about how someone else values us.
To be honest today l wouldn’t even ask why does my husband hate me? I’d be more inclined to ask why does he hate himself or his life or his experience of marriage?
I just think women spend far too much time thinking about how men experience them and not enough time thinking about how they experience themselves and their lives.
We as women have the power over our own happiness not men, marriage, children friends etc. Be your own best friend at all times, love others but not before you have loved yourself. The power over hate is inside us not on the outside.
amiechi byjm I like the focus here on keeping in your own experience and staying in your lane 🙏
Women need to stop the abuse and control of men
@@adriannefluet2896 🙏
That’s just living miserable… with a off and on how much self care do to have to constantly care after yourself due to a trauma being presented over and over when self care is what humans do no matter what. To know it’s actually miserable and bring us down. Why do those type of men/women whom are nasty being’s deserve to be with anyone? Every time we run off to self care the levels go lower and lower and the devaluation of ourselves is what kills us inside. This is not a game your energy is totally being wasted.
This was really helpful. I had to end my engagement about 2 years ago and I still feel grief about how he interacted with me when we fell apart. Truly thankful for the insights.
Lora Rooks I know of a man that can helped you
Lora Rooks contact him on WhatsApp
Hey Jack. Thanks for all of your videos. On this one I'm not so supportive. A lot of people in denial about the fact that their relationship is abusive or manipulative come and watch videos like this to try and "fix" him/her. While I appreciated your caveat and your points in the context of a healthy relationship I didnt think this video did enough to protect viewers experiencing psychological abuse and gaslighting. As a result it could inadvertently become complicit in denying an abused spouse's reality. Sorry it's not positive feedback this time.
Shannonand Herkids Maybe it didn’t. I just wanted to emphasize the pieces I feel are rarely pointed to, certainly not exhaustive and already a longer video than I usually post 🙏🌟
...I do think women can come to a place where they are educated and confident about how they're acting, reacting/responding and communicating and know their partner's abusive reactions are not due to her poor communication or habits. However, I do agree with you this advice would go on deaf ears for women who "need" to be told that they're being oppressive and unaccommodating...and the women who already overly accommodating will probably soak it up and stay longer with an abuser, thinking "even Jack is saying the same thing...that it's possibly my fault" rather than leave a man who can't be pleased and constantly demands things due to entitlement.
I don't think that I have ever commented on a video before even though I watch plenty every day. I just want to say that you are so great and evolved, Jack! The material you share is absolute gold! Thank you SO much and keep up the good work! And happy New year's in advance, everyone! :)
I think it's good to comment, it helps make TH-cam recommend the video to others.
Skweepa Thank you 🙏
F. T. Thanks for making your first comment and it being here! Glad you are finding gold in this material 🙏⭐️
F. T. And happy new year to you too! 🙂
Very good analysis on this subject. I wish I had heard this advice long ago.
Cindy Bunker Appreciated 🙏
Not married but wow - really glad I watched, very insightful and helpful. Thank you Jack
Anniray Awesome - thanks for sharing that 🙏
I read once that marriage is like a golden cage, because everyone outside it is trying to get in, and everyone inside is trying to get out. My long experience of marriage is that this is often true, however well you show up and however good your intentions, the guys lizard brain will always have an element of buyers remorse that he committed to you. I'm not sure that guys are designed to be monogamous, and women are often tempted not to bother so much with their appearance, health or self development, which doesn't help. I hope other women are luckier, but this is my honest assessment of how it goes.
Hey Christina, hadn't heard the golden cage metaphor. Yes, the lizard brain piece is important, probably more important than we give it credit for. I will say that I see a ton of self development effort from the community of women on this channel. Hope you get more of what you want 🙏
Jack Butler thanks very much, I do have a good life in many ways but it's not down to my OH. We should never stop learning or developing ourselves, it's not down to someone else to make us happy in life.
Regarding that thumbnail I'm kind of glad not being married.
Just kidding. 😉 It's astonishing that your vids have always something to relate to, something to learn, even if it first seems to be far away from my own life.
haha :) Love that there was something relatable about this for you :)
Soooo what if he actually says he hates me? And further insults me and every area of my life? Honestly your video made think about a lot of things that could be true, I mean your video makes a lot of sense.
If his overall orientation to you is hate, then you might be better to move on. If he occasionally says he hates you, that still may not work for you obviously but maybe he can learn to be more empowered and speak differently to you. But curious what’s your experience? Do you respect him? Do you have difficult feelings for him?
@@thejackbutler One of the reasons I married him was because I like him. We have a fun and wonderful relationship when he isn't triggered. We have great conversations, he makes me feel like a woman, he takes care of me. We love eating and cooking, watching movies, experiencing new things together, talking about the future. It's great. But then he has these moments that come out of nowhere but seem to be right below surface. And he truly believes in those moments that I am the worst wife and human being the world. He then comes off of it and is soft and loving and will do almost anything for me, but kind of resents me for that. He thinks he is suppose to be strong and not soft with me. It strange.
I can’t fathom why he is so hateful entitled it takes giving, not just talking 😭🥵doesn’t know when ti stop💔thank you🙏🥰he’s destroying everything yet nice to others, does nothing can’t have women and wife I’m not a free hotel and maid
Is there any way you cannot participate in the roles of free hotel and maid from your side?
They resent you because they are jealous . They subconsciously blame you for their short comings . You remind them of everything they are not. My husband has no social skills whatsoever, he is excruciatingly quiet and he does not have one friend to call his own.He has no input to any social gatherings in fact it he was not there he would not be missed. He has no relationship with our kids . He has not got the mental capacity to maintain a relationship with anyone . I am the polar opposite, I have loads of friends and I have a fantastic relationship with my kids . He has threatened my friends to stay away from me.All he does is sit and drink every night and our sex life is none existing. It literally is a marriage from hell
I know of a man who can help you
I was once in this kind of situation...and he help me
Contact him on WhatsApp
His name is coach dan
@@queenrose4076 thank you
JOIN the FREE webinar, the 3 Keys To Being Relationship Ready:
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So my husband wants FREEDOM to give unlimited amounts of money to his parents who both work and are very young. He wants freedom to invest in them, time and money. He wants freedom to decide not to give his own wife and kids our basic needs! Freedom my ass hell get freedom and O will stop being demanding when hes stops being an idiot.
I have a girlfriend that I cant stand. She wont cook, and she wont clean up behind herself.
I am tired of cleaning up her messes. In addition, her parents give her lots, and lots of money. And when she comes to see me, they give her more money. But when she is at my house she asks for me to give her money. And one time she took my change. I am not her mother or father... and I am tried of it and her!!!!
If you can't stand her, why are you still there...money? Be kind to both of you of you...leave.
@@fillyruffian1482 ... I did leave the relationship once already. But she came back to me with tears in her eyes saying that she will behave. She said that she would cook, and re-pay me the money that she OWES me from my previous loans to her.
I was a sucker for her tears... I should have known that she wouldnt change.
And you can love someone without liking the way they behave... ie, no clean up, no cook, or constantly manipulating.
Money isn’t worth staying in a bad relationship. You can find someone that is a grown up. They have their own money and when you give them something or money it is because you want to not out of manipulation.
I’m the complete opposite. I cook, clean, and iron clothes. Worry about his health and am always there. He still hates me.
@@mariacalvert6910 ... SMH. Wow, I wish that I could find someone like you. I don't even ask my female friends to clean up behind themselves anymore because I don't want the drama.
And I don't mean to be in your business, and I don't want to be mean..., but if he does not appreciate you, then he might have an infatuation with someone else.
I hope everything works out for you.
Proud to be a MGTOW Monk