When a guy says he's not looking for a relationship run 🏃 and don't look back lol because they are 💯 telling you the truth regardless how strong the connection just walk away and save yourself time.
When you aren't looking for one either but think you could pass some time together, yet he still disappears after one meet up that he initiates...and you also have a history years ago of a casual thing. I think it's just disrespectful to vanish on someone. Be truthful and give someone an answer on where they stand.
Ya, I met one guy who said that he was not ready for any kind of relationships, but he texted me 30-40 times a day, and he treated me like his girlfriend, then I told him for giving me some space and not to contact me anymore.
1. Keep the 80% attention to yourself and 20% to the other person 2. Drop the fantasy (see it is for what it is) 3. Using vulnerability as a filter 4. Frustration object relation (there’s a frustration quality in your life, there’s a longing and desire to want something and not getting it) 5. Watch out for emotionally available unavailable guy
Do all this as a secure one but truth is what is left over is emotional damaged carbage. 😂😂 And it is nothing all these rules. When i was young this was non sense. Man were real. Now and this makes them nothing more than fxckboys. Nah. Better stay alone. 100 % pure. I am almost 50. Something went terrible wrong with men...
full name 🌸 first step is setting your boundaries and never breaking it No matter how much you like the person Love yourself first, respect yourself, be assertive when required, this will build your confidence Basically build yourself up, self esteem Try to notice the other person’s actions, how they treat you, how do they make you feel? This will remove any fantasies from your head space Don’t try to manipulate any outcome by forcing anything What I mean by manipulate, is lacking patience for things to unfold and saying or doing something that causes a reaction from the other party Just follow the guidance of the coach, you can follow a number of coaches. It’s all free 👍🏼
Pure genius ......we often idolize relationships and ignore red flags.....love yourself enough to walk away, apply all that love towards you and your well being. Put yourself 1st ❤️
I agree but I also believe God (in Jesus Christ) comes first not ourselves. That's been a big mistake for alot of us. We don't stop to pray & ask if a certain person is the right person for us. Listen for the answer and you'll get it!
I was skeptical when I clicked on here... BUT It’s eerily spooky how each point is so precisely what has saved me from marrying the wrong guy in 3 separate instances. Single folks get labeled as being non experienced at relationships but we don’t get credit from allllll the things some of us have avoided by staying true/in tune with SELF
Hey June! Thanks for clicking and being with your skepticism :) Yes, in many ways, (single) folks who have had multiple relationship experiences have had the most experience. I certainly feel all my past relationships taught me so much sometimes in really hard ways.
Jack Butler So why do people say don’t take relationship advice from someone who isn’t even in a relationship or doesn’t have a successful marriage? Yet most people in long-term relationships and marriages have just gotten accustomed to dysfunction? How come we do not get credit for how much we have avoided how many divorces we have dodged and how intentional being single and healthy takes?
@@junegrace508 That's probably a pretty complex question. I would at least say culture at large has a lot more space for singleness than it used to. Lots of dating coaches are single. I think people who are LT partnered / married probably want to take advice from people who have been there. All that to say that I think there are different types of relationship experience that give rise to different types of education. I had people tell me I wasn't qualified to give relationship advice back when I hadn't settled down. Each to their own!
1- put 80% attention to yourself (connect with your own intuition) 2- slow down the relationship 3- use vulnerability as a filter 4- frustration to get what you need from him
Jack Butler My guy frustrates me with not responding to my requests of daily contact calls. He is a warm guy so it is not clear why he behaves this way where before he was asking me when I am going to be available to speak to him . He Spends time with others at the expense of our relationships. His work is his priority. I’ve invested so much emotions into this relationship.
Gratitude I guess you should ask him also when he’s available to speak Another thing is to find something to give your attention to, instead of focusing on him .. give him a space to miss you
Space to MISS ONE. GIVE ONE TIME TO GROW IN ANGER. ANGRY FEELINGS grow out of control. Hate for those you are ATTRACTED TO. CAUSE of the games. Playing games when games are NOT USEFUL. NOT HEALTHFUL. NOT MAKING A RELATIONSHIP BETTER. DISLIKE & devaluing ridiculing thoughts grow. NOT HEALTHY. NOT HEALTHFUL. NOT GETTING BETTER. BROKEN HEART develops😖😧😰😫😨😱😦😟
2 was Drop the fantasy. I think this is a better summary of his point, as slowing down the relationship will happen naturally as a result of 1. Fantasies can be very dangerous in the early stages of a relationship and being told that one is a big eye opener. I wish someone had told me it years ago as I had a big tendency in that direction. Fantasies are a way of “filling in the gaps” between times when you see him, because you’re feeling so needy for him to fill a hole in your life. They seem harmless, but they’re not, as they generate too many emotions which then demand to be fed.
Not true. Im a happily married woman. My man treats me like a queen that i couldn't be happier. Being in the dating world nowadays is an disaster as what ive heard from my single friends
@@thejackbutler I am so grateful for this video. Especially the 5th as that's who I'm drawn to. I'm taking note of the 80/20 and dropping the fantasy, however I don't know how to drop my fantasies. It goes something like this: I'm not getting what I want in the relationship so I tell myself it's early days/ it'll change (or that I'm expecting too much too soon) and hey presto I'm in the future. Do you have a video on how to stop fantasising? Thank you for this video, its amazing - it's like a light in the fog. The emot available unavailable man - so confusing in a relationship. A video with more detail about spotting when you're caught up with this dynamic would be great cos the vulnerable step doesn't work to spot it, and I'm not good at spotting it.
Yes, the EAUM can definitely be confusing. It surprised me in the past how confusing I was to women. How to stop fantasizing - that's a good question! Have you seen the video - how to really love yourself?
#5 was an eye-opener! I've been with the "emotionally available unavailable" guy and was so confused b/c I didn't know this "hybrid" existed. I'm convinced that the best protection or defense against insincere, unavailable men is SELF-LOVE...and to always put my self-worth and well-being above my desire to have a man in my life.
SistersGatheringtoHeal Glad you stayed for no5! I think you’ right on self-love and at a certain point it won’t even feel like there’s a defense against insincerity just not the resonance to be drawn to engage
@@thejackbutler You're absolutely spot on! At last, I'm at a place where there's no need any longer for hypervigilance, defense or any of the like. Now when I meet a man, I trust myself enough to see him for who he really is, not thru the lens of desperation, emotional insufficiency or not-enoughness. I'm happy with me. Thank you for going deep. I appreciate you
Many men are just out trolling to catch a desperate lonely cute silly foolish gullible pretty girl!! They are bored. Need ATTENTION!!! Attentive ladies willing to give their prize away for ATTENTION!!! Everybody desires ATTENTION. WithOUT THOUGHT TO THE REGRETS that happen.😖😩😫. Esp. If mind altering drugs alcohol etc. Is USED for courage/confidence to meet up & engage is used. 😧😩 Not SAFE. IDEAS go bad. Regrets for foolish females/girls/chics/Women/ladies/gals/etc.( Non prof. it is their chosen job.)
You’re a genius. I’m a Primary Care Physician and you have given everyone free therapy which would normally cost thousands of dollars. No medication can replace your kind, superbly intelligent guidance. Thank you
Thank you so much! I'm interested in the interface you're talking about - where better perspectives/habits are supportive of reducing/eliminating the needs for certain meds.
Yes! I’m certainly not opposed to meds if they’re needed, but what is usually needed more is professional guidance from incredible people like yourself and loving support from funny, kind friends/family....exercise....etc. but without the professional guidance like yours, the rest often doesn’t help. I will spread the word about you and Clayton. Thank you again!
Jack Butler ... too many bad experiences I guess. Selfish men ... I just can’t seem to see any good in any men anymore... I think I’m just done really.
I feel for you, but do you realize you sound like one of those "nice guys" blaming women, but it's reversed? I am not minimizing your frustration, pain or loneliness.... but as someone in a (I assume) similar situation, I want to be done looking at the world like I'm being attacked. That is all me doing it to myself. (Sometimes it does happen. But we must learn to discern what is mine and what is "theirs") What I think about - where/how I put my energy, I make life happen differently because of it. Imagination is the doorway to perceptions. This power can be used either to empower or disable you. I am still struggling with these concepts.. but I'm glad that we can always have the potential to "level up." Expectation, idealizing and 'filling in the blanks' are the biggest dangers to everything. It is not the same as planning.
@@animalames78 Yes, selfish, mental bullying, entitled, dishonest, insecure and greedy. It's like Dukakis said, "A fish rots from the head". I believe it is no mistake we have 'in your face' corruption, pollution and war unending in the sphere of the impersonal and masculine and find similar in the realm of the personal. It's as though too many men have decided ethical behaviors, like a man should be very proud with which to conduct himself, is somehow "out of style".
Too many narcs out there. They would not like your percentages. I'll wait for the right one. I've dated all kinds. i am in my 70s now. Guess I'll die being a happy single.
I guess I'll die single too. I'm a year and a half free from a 47 year marriage to a narc. I 've been dating 66-68 year olds and always get replaced by a 56 year old woman as his favorite. And I stay in the friend zone.
@@galexynotprovided9945 Yes, I can relate, I was always pretty good at relating with people and yet had to acknowledge one day I was having a hard time in intimate relationships. Glad you found some gold here :)
“Use vulnerability as a filter.” Best advice ever!! I’ve had several men let me down as soon as I showed any vulnerability. Unfortunately, this happened after dating a long time. I was even engaged to one of them. I’m going to use this from here on out. Thank you, Jack!
#3- omg 😮 His dog 🐕 scratched my arm I was bleeding pretty badly He showed no emotion - empathy I asked for a bandaid & he said- nah Suggested I just rinse it off with water That showed me enough to stick him into bye 👋 bye 👋 zone - lol 😂 Actually there was a couple other red flags already - then this lack of empathy or care was it- for me. Bye 👋
Janie Miller I get it, sounds like a tough experience. Sometimes as guys we can get logical vs being empathetic, so just a caveat not to subjectify him (for more on that - my video called #1 attitude men love in women) given his response is a long way from what yours would be. Hope you find more of what you are looking for 🙏
The key is being vulnerable. That’s the secret. See how he will react when you let your guard down. Trust me, you will see. If he stays and wants to help, he’s the one for you.
Don't tell someone your biggest secrets out of the gate. Tell them about one insecurity and see how they respond. You have to build trust over time. If they humiliate you for sharing or If they start that devaluation crap, with the judgment and harsh criticism, you know you are dealing with a toxic individual! It don't matter what the malfunction is, get out.
Just discovered your videos. ‘Emotionally available unavailable men’ ........wow....... I almost passed this by this morning. I came upon you by accident. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Thank you, Jack! I’m a fan.
You are good (comment worthy good 😄). Normally, watching these types of videos will reinforce the painful emotion that makes you click on it in the first place; but I literally FELT BETTER afterwards (this is the second video of yours that I’ve watched). You are informative, compassionate and progressive. You give medicine that may be hard to swallow, but actually does it job and soothes and heals in the end. Thank you so much for your offering. God Bless You.
Yes, and this type of guy is devastating to be with because in the end, he walks out, ghosts you. But I did see some of the signs very early on but I was too overwhelmed by my feelings for him that I couldn't extract myself in time. VERY, VERY PAINFUL! Once he moved back to his country, he let slip some shady things that he was involved in but I couldn't, and I am still struggling to REALLY let him go but I know that I MUST!
Almost the exact thing happened to me .Though,he was focused on his personal problems and eventually stopped having feelings for me. At first he ghosted me then broke up with me saying how stressed he was over the things he's been dealing with and then said he stopped having feelings for me. Before all that happened he was all loving and caring. I just don't understand how fast he changed his mind. 😔
Thanks for the video, it helped me to move away from this emotionaly unemotional unavailable man. It was so confusing and frustating with him. Noone can help him unless he wants to help him. Finally relieved.
THIS IS SOO GOOD! Even when you are dating, you have to put yourself first. If all your energy goes into keeping the other person happy then your relationship is unbalanced and an emotional drain. THANK YOU FOR SHARING!
Omg... yes!! I am in the early stages of #5!!! This makes so much sense. He says he wants a relationship but makes time for everything else, friends and family but me. When I ask about it, be vulnerable, I get told I am bringing him drama and overthinking. NO- he is not available and does not want to be questioned or take accountability for his actions! Agh!!! Three months down the drain. Thank you for making this so I can see NOW that this was going nowhere.
april It's okay. 3 months is a normal period of casual dating to see if you want to commit. You get over that hump, you have yourself a committed LTR. If not, move on, forget him. I know it sucks. Easier said than done. But a better one WILL come along. In love, you have to take a little risk (of getting hurt), otherwise nothing will happen, whatsoever.
I think the last one is the best, IMO. That’s where I’m at after experiencing all the rest. Next is to start meeting men that connect AND are completely available.
Btw I can not believe it is 2019 and we are in need of videos like this or... How to know if he likes you... What is he thinking when ignoring you or 5 steps to get him to call you.... Its just insane. My mom and dad got toghether when my dad saw my mum, thought to himself 'i like her'.. Asked her out and it was as simple as that.... Jesus....
I hear you - I think there are things we can learn from that generation. And - the world has complexified, globalized and technologized since then so it's not apples and apples. And lots of women put up with a lot in their marriages that mostly people stand against today. Back then guys had less need to be emotionally available - that wasn't the contract. Now, if you're a financially secure woman, you may want a guy who's emotionally available because what you're seeking in relationship is different...
@@thejackbutler Right, I agree. Your video is rich and helpful and we need it TODAY. Women used to look for providers and aspired to keep house and to care for children. Men wanted to be seen as strong and "Daddy knows best." More structured and rigid defined gender roles used to be were thought off as living a successful life. Now we need more expansion in thoughts and behaviors and to have even more emotional connection with ourselves.
Sometimes I feel shame about the fact I have not had a real loving relationship yet. :( I have attracted these types and it seems I used to be attracted to these types. I need to change and learn. I am doing self parenting and plugging into my intuition. It’s been a very spiritual awakening and makes me very emotional every day since I’ve started an inner self love journey. Everything you say is SO CORRECT. I DO fantasize about who they are! I didn’t even realize I was doing it!
Jack brilliant. I really appreciated your sensitivity and care while expressing these truths. I did not get triggered. You did not blame. I really really thank you for conmunicating in a way that created a safe space so that i could listen and learn. Im pretty sure thats why everyone is responding the same. 🎗🏆🎖
I’m so glad you mentioned #5 ! A lightbulb went off when when you talked about it, now it makes sense what I’ve been dealing with in my relationships. My intuition will tell me the man is not right for me , but yet it doesn’t make sense because sometimes he seems available . And so I walk away from the relationship feeling hurt and deeply confused and wondering if I’m being too judgmental. And also your point #4 really spoke to me, and really thinking about it I can see that since a child with my relationship with my father and siblings and how it’s affected me. I think My core belief is that a man will eventually not be emotionally available to me, and that it’s just the way things are. Omg 😮 I never thought of it that way, that I could possibly be playing a part in being drawn to emotionally unavailable man. Thinking back, I am pretty sure I’ve approached men who are emotionally available, and it scares me because I worry they will smother me or are only with me because they want something from me or eventually treat me bad or think I’m gullible and fall for it. I want a committed relationship but yet the right one seems so out reach. Thank you Jack for your insightful videos and compassion and the space for letting me talk ❤️. I want to do inner work and your videos have given me a little more specifics on what needs more work.
Glad this has been powerful stimulus for you! If you are getting to know an emotionally available guy...What you could practise is really noticing, being with and possibly sharing when you notice a fear of smothering. There may be a mix of relaxing the fear and also practical strategies of adjusting each other and knowing you can take space when you need to. Wishing you well with it!
I'm actually doing 100% on myself at the moment ... we're not together at the moment and I raised my game massively and said he can join me there, or just not contact me again. I like that we're in your lounge, Jack. It's good. Great video.
@@thejackbutler I hope so too. He's a good guy with a good heart, just a bit messy in places, like we can all be at times. I hope he rises to the challenge.
Definitely have had plenty of time to get to know myself, vulnerabilities, and even face unrealistic ideals and fantasies about a person. I’ve also made a conscious effort stop attracting and or accepting emotionally unavailable men. Perhaps, now I just need to release ‘fear’ that there is a man out for me who’ s emotionally available. I suppose at this point it’s a matter of loving and respecting myself , waiting for the right guy, and being ok with myself in the process.....great video☺️
Yes yes yes - I think this is really well said! Think the more you're good with yourself and your own company, the easier it is to notice who is actually good / right for you. Wishing you well with it! :)
This is amazing! Thank you! All on point! 🙏 Just as an aside, especially with regards to point 3, one must be careful of Sociopaths. Speaking for myself, they are the most seemingly emotionally available and empathetic people, but then later down the line cause major distruction due to all the mirroring, lies, and manipulation. A good question to ask someone of this nature is 'what are you currently doing to improve or work on yourself?' An inability to answer this question properly, will show the inability to see any limitation in oneself. Also good to look at whether they have been able to maintain friendships over a long period of time. Sociopathic people tend to reel you in, and spit you out. Therefore they will have little to no long term friends. I totally agree with slowing things down. Best to get to know someone on a friendship level first, as endorphins, and Dopamine can make the intuition fuzzy. Love the 80/20% idea. Gonna do that! 🙂
Caitlin Thanks for writing, yes agree sociopaths may need some mindful screening, I like your question. Glad you’re up for practising 80/20, let us know how you go 🙏
A caveat for your point about women showing vulnerability: sometimes guys pretend to be sensitive towards you at the ‘getting to know’ stage, only ato use this against you later. This is my experience with narcissistic men. The eyes and the smile have it (the genuineness), but if the getting to know is mainly via email etc, these cues are not picked up. Expression and body language say a lot.
Totally agree - really not a fan of getting to know someone other than in realtime contact or conversation. It's also where it's important to keep your intuition dialled in so that you are as real and sober as possible about what's in front of you.
You just hit my recent situation on the head with your point #5. I had already figured it out but your "what to watch for" will doubtless help many women who, like me, knew something was off, but didn't understand exactly what was happening until I was emotionally in the hurt zone. I've been doing the work, and your explanations are great.
Oh my gosh... the “frustrations in life” and “emotionally available unavailable man” and segments just knocked my socks off..!! So on point 😳 I’ve been connecting with an EAUM over the last few weeks... damn are they a confusing breed! It was one of your breadcrumbing videos that really opened my eyes last night, and now you’ve nailed it once again lolz Bravo, Jack 👏😎
This is the first time ever I actually feel this is great advice when it comes to relationships. Thank you for giving advice from the heart instead of copying the bs ❤
My biggest challenge is being objective and focusing on the now. I am always looking at potential, future, hopes and dreams. Thanks for sharing these ideas! Extremely helpful! Enlightening and useful!
You name the damaged man I've met them, it's really tiring to be honest. It does not take me long to see who they are and I walk away, I'm not looking for a fixer upper I'm looking for a partner.
@@thejackbutler I date handsome emotionally unavailable men. I have been having PTSD triggered when a man says he doesn't want a relationship with me. I really hurt the last man. I wish you would help me
KellyAnne Tynan Doing my best to help with these videos and comments. For real personalized help, I have a few private coaching clients: www.jackbutler.com/apply
I think you are a fabulous guy. You give really sound, gentle, reasonable, uplifting and empowering advice. You don’t bring women down or make them feel bad about their situations. Your clarity and level- headed nature is so helpful. Thank you for helping so many people!! 🙏
Thank you. Where can I find more about the emotionally available unavailable person? I had that experience and it seems to make the healing more difficult. Made accepting the breakup much more difficult it seems. It may help to know more about this attachment style so I don’t attract it again.
Thank you for the last part about the Emotionally Available Unavailable for Relationship Guy. The struggle is real lol and all because we are not taught these concepts growing up 🤦🏻♀️
Wow!!! The bonus.... the emotionally available unavailable man... I really needed to hear that, I'm struggling letting go of a man like that, it just always feels like he's soo in tune to me, but everything else is, well pretty much crap, breadcrumbing me, only calls late at nighr, etc. Thank you Jack
Thank you for supplying the fifth description (emotionally available/unavailable guy). This EXACTLY describes my most recent ex-boyfriend. It wasn't obvious to me what was happening until I had already fallen for him and then he broke up with me. Couldn't understand why I couldn't see the signs clearly until hearing this description. Still heartbroken over what happened. To make it worse, 6 months later he starts dating someone else and 6 months after their relationship began he is living with her and most likely giving her what he couldn't give me. Makes me feel used. Wish these guys would just stay single until they figure their shit out instead of dating when they're not really emotionally available. Would save us so much pain. Lesson learned I suppose.
The last type described was actually really accurate and not easy to find that profile in any other video. It would be great to deep dive more. Well done!
EXCELLENT content! Thank you Jack for being vulnerable enough to recognize yourself on point no. 5. I actually had a huge realization myself. It's not only certain men that are emotionally unavailable. I realized that when men show their vulnerable side I've been the one to run and hide. So thank you so much for that!!!
Excellent lesson on this subject. When I’m obsessing, fretting, and pining I’m not being emotionally present at all with my own self. It’s a very deep form of self neglect when I think of it. Staying present with oneself in order to be fully present with another is one of the keys to all of this! I will be listening over and over to this talk and take notes until it really sinks in. My parents where 100 percent emotionally unavailable. Now I need a sort of scaffolding into emotionally available domains. I’m so hungry for it that I rush so fast into it but then I get overwhelmed to the point of feeling engulfed and claustrophobic that I have to leave. The pain of the loss isn’t as bad as the pain of the feeling of being emotionally crowded. That symbiotic thing without any real breaks to self regulate scares me to no end.
Absolutely fantastic advice and so so timely as I’ve just finished with a chap who didn’t want me but kept seeing me.... sad this weekend but proud of myself ❤️
thank you for your post. the guy i truly love and admire has just walked out on me without me ever seeing it coming. in my truth our relationship was great, healthy and i grew within myself as well as loved him everyday more as i got to know his inner being and character. i felt safe to invest completely. one thing i didnt see coming is that he would just wake up one morning and leave. needless to say i am devastated and confused, i think #5 ( emotionally available, unavailable ) will help me in the long run. untill then, for now i have reached depths of extreme sadness and loss. realising that there is nothing i can do to encourage him to celebrate me for who i am, and choose our relationship.
I hear you, that sounds really tough. Wishing you the courage to be with your experience and feel things as fully as possible, in service of moving on fully. 🙏
@@hilanamarais8587 Sometimes it can be good to be direct, even if it risks feeling rejecting because then the truth of the situation can emerge - and (over time) - set you free.
Thank you Jack! Just found you tonight! I was just wondering about a guy who i dated many years ago who i see when i go out dancing. We have mutual friends together. He fits the guy you talk about in #5. So cool~ I have been on a self awareness and healing journey for awhile now. Healing from a convert narc relationship which turned me to go inward and get help. I am doing major work on my inner child and her wanting!!! Since this deep inner work my eyes have been open to family members and past relationships and friends. My mind and body are changing as i learn how to feel what is happening inside me and choosing to put me first. I am learning so much! I hope to teach and help others in the future~
Sue Sipp Glad you found the channel! Yes, happy I included that no5, seems like it’s been valuable to people. Like hearing of all your inner work, keep it up!
Point 4 is shockingly true! It's the story of my life! I never seem to be able to get what I would really love. It would be good if you could do a video where you talk more in depth about this issue and perhaps give some advice on how to overcome it.
That was very interesting information, I really need to apply all five concepts to myself especially the 80/20. All I ever do is give my all, and get absolutely nothing but disappointment, hurt and used in the end.. Thank you so much.
OMG .. i keep rewatch this over and over again.i really need so much to hear this .i have been looking for this content in youtube but i never see this accurate .. really appreciated yr work jack.. thank you so much .
Yes focus on self and less on the other. Great way to remember the 80/20 rule! Being present and not fantasy driven is key. These videos are incredible. Thank you.
I know you are amazing because you hit on something no one else ever has: “Is frustration in the background.” That described my life for a long time. Everyone else always seemed to get what they want in life so easily and me, I would get it but waaaaay later after a lot of hardship.
Oh this is amazing! Such a lesson to learn and what you are saying is so true.. I had to learn all this the hard way and I think the problem that we women have is we like to nurture or help these men, like we are with everyone else, as its part of our biological makeup in life but it serves to work against us!.. thank you for this x
Yes very true Sweety Jones - we women tend to be overly compassionate and merciful regarding someone's serious faults and bad behavior. No one can be 'rescued' against their will. It is OK to have compassion from a safe distance! (paradoxically we then are often berated for being 'too picky'..)
I watched this vid 3 hrs ago and ive already commented. I must say that that #4 about the enotionally available unavailable man has helped me find a resolve. Even though ive been working to move on, a part of my emotional body was still stuck with and on him seeking clarity and resolution. You've given me that. The emotional connection was amazing and what i deeply wanted but accepting the illusion is paramount. Learning to create the emotional connection with myself has been difficult as a child bc i was emotionally abandoned (and so was he), and i went from one intense relationship to another...now back to square one in trying to create that connection within myself.
This was very informative. I just ended a six year long distance relationship. All the points, especially #5 struck a cord. He seemed very emotionally attentive, but other things did not match up. He seemed good at getting things he wanted or his way. I feel like my radar is off, but working on listening to my intuition and trusting that inner feeling. Great content. Thanks.
This is such great advice, I've had two failed long term relationships, and I totally agree with all your points, just wished I'd behaved like this earlier! X
Yes. So powerful. That is what happened to me for sure. I watch you and Helena a lot and have learned so much. He told me sorry If I lead you on after he asked me to be his girl, fix my car meet family friends co workers. He Is hurt by life and would not let me in. I saw that and tried, but I had to move on. Thank you so much for your videos.
Hi Jack, I was led into this video from your narcissist video released yesterday. I recently released a relationship that I saw I was invested but he wasn't. It took me till today to realize exactly didn't happen. I walked away without tears (the earth shattering tears). Thank you for the validation.
Wowwwwww! This is indeed "unusual" tips! Thanks jack your videos are making me grow in self love, acceptance, respect for myself and deeper connection with myself. I feel alot more confident and defined about what I want, and what I should seek, without compromising my own happiness anymore ! Thank you so much.. But why didn't you start a channel earlier before now??!.. But You know what? It's not too late, i'm so glad you started a channel, more importantly I found you! ... Frankly, there's a strong connection between your style of delivery and content with that of Helena. Though your content differs for sure in a certain way, I feel a synergy, and hearing from the male perspective gives evidential proof Helena definitely knows what she's always been talking about. .. With you both, I definitely have grasped my true Feminine Energy, I feel a networking of self inside of me, and I'm a part of me now!!! Feels so good! :) 💞
Thanks Jack, you are so spot on, I am so out of tune with myself, I know it and am now working on it. Thank you for the apologies, you're so sweet. 😊😍😙. It's the apologies I feel I needed.
Thanks for the video! It means a lot to me as I am now at the point getting over the “emotionally available” unavailable guy in my life. It’s really really tough
This advice is absolutely amazing!! I found myself doing this going towards the end of 2021 with certain friendships. I started LISTENING to my intuition when it would tell me that someone wasn't genuine with me and redirected my focus on bettering myself so much to the point that now I don't even miss those fabricated friendships. I'll be sure to apply this formula to every area of my life from here on out. Great video! 👍🏽
Wow so much good information I actually sat down and took notes to be real! Exactly what I needed to hear and know, definitely will share and pass along!
I am married to an emotionally unavailable man. I am going through shitt right now am so much frustrated Beacuse of him and am suffering from depression and I came across this video thank you so much it’s helping me to move on giving me courage
This is great thank you. A lot of these 10 ways how to videos don’t go far or deep enough into the importance of working on yourself. You can tell someone not to do this and not to do that but if they don’t investigate deeper and figure out what is driving those patterns, they will still perpetuate them. And your last point was spot on. In astrology these men usually have an emphasis of Pisces or one of the water signs in their natal chart. Water is the element of emotions, so being emotionally literate and available is natural to them, yet they can also completely lack clear boundaries. If you think about water, is has no form of its own save the container it’s in.. a valley, a river bed, a glass or mug of water and so end up merging with others and being people pleasers - water people have to work very hard to figure out what their own form boundaries look like and define it for themselves.. and that takes making a lot of mistakes first but ultimately like you say putting effort into tuning into themselves to figure out what their own needs are. Like water and like what you say they can very easily “slip through your fingers”. Good stuff!
Jack Butler Ah! Cancerian stellium in the 12th here with Neptune in 6th! Boundaries are a huge thing for me.. love your channel I’m newly subscribed. And I love how you are honest and open about how you are and have been in the past in relationship.. authenticity makes your content more genuine and relatable. 🙌🏻
Wow, very on point. I found out these "patterns" myself allready. Now trying to resolve them..which seems harder to me.. :D Thank you very much for your empathic way, much love!
Yes, noticing and resolving patterns can be two different things. It's like one-time awareness vs sustained in-the-moment awareness. Glad you're liking my way! 🙏🏼
This useful video was so relevant to what I just experienced. Thank you Jack. It's embarrassing to admit that when my first love contacted me last month and I went on a lunch date with him that I was not dating the man in front of me but I had projected our first love story (we are each other's first loves) which holds special memories for me into the situation. I'm thankful I did not go on a second date with him when he asked because this could have ruined those special memories I have and want to keep. But then after I rejected his offer to go on a second date, he went no contact on me and then I stupidly found myself wanting to move forward into that space. Thankfully I got a grip and didn't text him a second time and now he and I both are no contact and that's the way I want it to remain. I didn't want him and yet that shows you how powerful no contact is when someone does it to you, it makes you think you want them. When in reality it was my own ego that was reaching back out even though I rejected him. I wish he could just be a friend since our first relationship was decades ago but his ego won't allow himself to be put into the "friend zone".
Love it Jack, I resonate deeply and feel like you have given me the missing jigsaw piece. I also appreciate your own candid vulnerability thank you so much.
Being an INFJ personality type whose N and F values are off the charts and an idealistic incurable romantic...I specialize in being vulnerable and attracting emotionally unavailable men lol, even though I am looking for a beautiful bond like that of my parents. I might just be the poster child in this regard. Have no fear, I am daily growing. My Father told me a long time ago that I am very tender hearted, not a bad trait all, but I have to remind myself to guard it well. Thank you for this video.
Esther414 You’re welcome. Yes, probably good to direct some of that romantic idealism once you’re discerned it really is the right relationship? And yay to NFs!
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When a guy says he's not looking for a relationship run 🏃 and don't look back lol because they are 💯 telling you the truth regardless how strong the connection just walk away and save yourself time.
I think there's a lot to be said for that clarity.
When you aren't looking for one either but think you could pass some time together, yet he still disappears after one meet up that he initiates...and you also have a history years ago of a casual thing.
I think it's just disrespectful to vanish on someone. Be truthful and give someone an answer on where they stand.
Ya, I met one guy who said that he was not ready for any kind of relationships, but he texted me 30-40 times a day, and he treated me like his girlfriend, then I told him for giving me some space and not to contact me anymore.
Had to learn this the hard way😫😢
@@maerose11 Io
1. Keep the 80% attention to yourself and 20% to the other person
2. Drop the fantasy (see it is for what it is)
3. Using vulnerability as a filter
4. Frustration object relation (there’s a frustration quality in your life, there’s a longing and desire to want something and not getting it)
5. Watch out for emotionally available unavailable guy
Thank you for the summary! 🙏
Do all this as a secure one but truth is what is left over is emotional damaged carbage. 😂😂
And it is nothing all these rules. When i was young this was non sense. Man were real. Now and this makes them nothing more than fxckboys. Nah. Better stay alone. 100 % pure.
I am almost 50.
Something went terrible wrong with men...
Let go of outcome/intention/fantasy from beginning and see the reality. Have strong boundaries and self esteem.
Yay to those things! Thanks for writing
Heavenly Healing 🌸 thank you for this 👍🏼
How? Are there some clear do-able steps that achieve this?
full name 🌸 first step is setting your boundaries and never breaking it
No matter how much you like the person
Love yourself first, respect yourself, be assertive when required, this will build your confidence
Basically build yourself up, self esteem
Try to notice the other person’s actions, how they treat you, how do they make you feel?
This will remove any fantasies from your head space
Don’t try to manipulate any outcome by forcing anything
What I mean by manipulate, is lacking patience for things to unfold and saying or doing something that causes a reaction from the other party
Just follow the guidance of the coach, you can follow a number of coaches. It’s all free 👍🏼
Pure genius ......we often idolize relationships and ignore red flags.....love yourself enough to walk away, apply all that love towards you and your well being. Put yourself 1st ❤️
Adriana Levinne Aww Thanks! Yes idolizing and overlooking your intuition are easy to do and expensive 😅
I agree but I also believe God (in Jesus Christ) comes first not ourselves. That's been a big mistake for alot of us. We don't stop to pray & ask if a certain person is the right person for us. Listen for the answer and you'll get it!
C R Sure a lot of people can relate to that. Whether you’re Christian or not, asking what does god/life want for me can be so potent
@@thejackbutler Thank you! Hey, your kinda cute!: D
I was skeptical when I clicked on here...
BUT
It’s eerily spooky how each point is so precisely what has saved me from marrying the wrong guy in 3 separate instances. Single folks get labeled as being non experienced at relationships but we don’t get credit from allllll the things some of us have avoided by staying true/in tune with SELF
Hey June! Thanks for clicking and being with your skepticism :) Yes, in many ways, (single) folks who have had multiple relationship experiences have had the most experience. I certainly feel all my past relationships taught me so much sometimes in really hard ways.
Jack Butler So why do people say don’t take relationship advice from someone who isn’t even in a relationship or doesn’t have a successful marriage? Yet most people in long-term relationships and marriages have just gotten accustomed to dysfunction? How come we do not get credit for how much we have avoided how many divorces we have dodged and how intentional being single and healthy takes?
@@junegrace508 That's probably a pretty complex question. I would at least say culture at large has a lot more space for singleness than it used to. Lots of dating coaches are single. I think people who are LT partnered / married probably want to take advice from people who have been there. All that to say that I think there are different types of relationship experience that give rise to different types of education. I had people tell me I wasn't qualified to give relationship advice back when I hadn't settled down. Each to their own!
Jack Butler 🙏🏽
1- put 80% attention to yourself (connect with your own intuition)
2- slow down the relationship
3- use vulnerability as a filter
4- frustration to get what you need from him
Alaa Omer Thanks for the summary 👍
Jack Butler
My guy frustrates me with not responding to my requests of daily contact calls. He is a warm guy so it is not clear why he behaves this way where before he was asking me when I am going to be available to speak to him . He Spends time with others at the expense of our relationships. His work is his priority. I’ve invested so much emotions into this relationship.
Gratitude
I guess you should ask him also when he’s available to speak
Another thing is to find something to give your attention to, instead of focusing on him .. give him a space to miss you
Space to MISS ONE. GIVE ONE TIME TO GROW IN ANGER. ANGRY FEELINGS grow out of control. Hate for those you are ATTRACTED TO. CAUSE of the games. Playing games when games are NOT USEFUL. NOT HEALTHFUL. NOT MAKING A RELATIONSHIP BETTER. DISLIKE & devaluing ridiculing thoughts grow. NOT HEALTHY. NOT HEALTHFUL. NOT GETTING BETTER. BROKEN HEART develops😖😧😰😫😨😱😦😟
2 was Drop the fantasy. I think this is a better summary of his point, as slowing down the relationship will happen naturally as a result of 1. Fantasies can be very dangerous in the early stages of a relationship and being told that one is a big eye opener. I wish someone had told me it years ago as I had a big tendency in that direction. Fantasies are a way of “filling in the gaps” between times when you see him, because you’re feeling so needy for him to fill a hole in your life. They seem harmless, but they’re not, as they generate too many emotions which then demand to be fed.
Single women live longer than married women. Happily married men live longer than single men. Please don’t be quick to leap in ladies😀
Probably because married men are looked after by their wives and waited on hand and foot!
La La well said hahaha! Let’s take our times and not share our hearts or souls with the wrong people who will only bring us down! 🙏
@@mandyg5747 lol😆👍
I’m not so sure living longer is a goal either 🤷♀️ tough go here !!
Not true. Im a happily married woman. My man treats me like a queen that i couldn't be happier. Being in the dating world nowadays is an disaster as what ive heard from my single friends
Drop the fantasy. I’m so guilty of this in the past and I hate it when I do it! Let life prove that he’s your soulmate. Great advice!
Astro Queen Thank you! I liked that part too ha :)
Always9 Peace Thanks 🙏
@@thejackbutler I am so grateful for this video. Especially the 5th as that's who I'm drawn to. I'm taking note of the 80/20 and dropping the fantasy, however I don't know how to drop my fantasies. It goes something like this: I'm not getting what I want in the relationship so I tell myself it's early days/ it'll change (or that I'm expecting too much too soon) and hey presto I'm in the future. Do you have a video on how to stop fantasising?
Thank you for this video, its amazing - it's like a light in the fog. The emot available unavailable man - so confusing in a relationship. A video with more detail about spotting when you're caught up with this dynamic would be great cos the vulnerable step doesn't work to spot it, and I'm not good at spotting it.
Yes, the EAUM can definitely be confusing. It surprised me in the past how confusing I was to women. How to stop fantasizing - that's a good question! Have you seen the video - how to really love yourself?
@@thejackbutler I haven't. I will watch it. Thanks. I am finding your films very inspiring!
#5 was an eye-opener! I've been with the "emotionally available unavailable" guy and was so confused b/c I didn't know this "hybrid" existed. I'm convinced that the best protection or defense against insincere, unavailable men is SELF-LOVE...and to always put my self-worth and well-being above my desire to have a man in my life.
SistersGatheringtoHeal Glad you stayed for no5! I think you’ right on self-love and at a certain point it won’t even feel like there’s a defense against insincerity just not the resonance to be drawn to engage
@@thejackbutler You're absolutely spot on! At last, I'm at a place where there's no need any longer for hypervigilance, defense or any of the like. Now when I meet a man, I trust myself enough to see him for who he really is, not thru the lens of desperation, emotional insufficiency or not-enoughness. I'm happy with me. Thank you for going deep. I appreciate you
SistersGatheringtoHeal That’s great - well done you - sounds like great work. And thanks for the reflection 🙏
Well said @SistersGatheringtoHeal
Many men are just out trolling to catch a desperate lonely cute silly foolish gullible pretty girl!! They are bored. Need ATTENTION!!! Attentive ladies willing to give their prize away for ATTENTION!!! Everybody desires ATTENTION. WithOUT THOUGHT TO THE REGRETS that happen.😖😩😫. Esp. If mind altering drugs alcohol etc. Is USED for courage/confidence to meet up & engage is used. 😧😩 Not SAFE. IDEAS go bad. Regrets for foolish females/girls/chics/Women/ladies/gals/etc.( Non prof. it is their chosen job.)
You’re a genius. I’m a Primary Care Physician and you have given everyone free therapy which would normally cost thousands of dollars. No medication can replace your kind, superbly intelligent guidance. Thank you
Thank you so much! I'm interested in the interface you're talking about - where better perspectives/habits are supportive of reducing/eliminating the needs for certain meds.
Yes! I’m certainly not opposed to meds if they’re needed, but what is usually needed more is professional guidance from incredible people like yourself and loving support from funny, kind friends/family....exercise....etc. but without the professional guidance like yours, the rest often doesn’t help. I will spread the word about you and Clayton. Thank you again!
Men make relationships difficult...honestly you don't know how difficult it is to find a good one
Too many are bums thinking they can get away with being gigolos instead of being men.
Obviously there are all sorts of men out there. Is there a dominant type you're attracting or dominant experience you're having of men?
Jack Butler ... too many bad experiences I guess. Selfish men ... I just can’t seem to see any good in any men anymore... I think I’m just done really.
I feel for you, but do you realize you sound like one of those "nice guys" blaming women, but it's reversed? I am not minimizing your frustration, pain or loneliness.... but as someone in a (I assume) similar situation, I want to be done looking at the world like I'm being attacked. That is all me doing it to myself. (Sometimes it does happen. But we must learn to discern what is mine and what is "theirs") What I think about - where/how I put my energy, I make life happen differently because of it. Imagination is the doorway to perceptions. This power can be used either to empower or disable you. I am still struggling with these concepts.. but I'm glad that we can always have the potential to "level up." Expectation, idealizing and 'filling in the blanks' are the biggest dangers to everything. It is not the same as planning.
@@animalames78 Yes, selfish, mental bullying, entitled, dishonest, insecure and greedy. It's like Dukakis said, "A fish rots from the head". I believe it is no mistake we have 'in your face' corruption, pollution and war unending in the sphere of the impersonal and masculine and find similar in the realm of the personal. It's as though too many men have decided ethical behaviors, like a man should be very proud with which to conduct himself, is somehow "out of style".
Too many narcs out there. They would not like your percentages. I'll wait for the right one. I've dated all kinds. i am in my 70s now. Guess I'll die being a happy single.
Yes to waiting for the right one. And yes to working on dissolving any defences we have to doing that 🙏🏼
im 30 proberly on the same road. You are not alone after all.
The meek Will inherit the earth 53 here. I can’t handle 20 more years of narcopaths lol
I guess I'll die single too. I'm a year and a half free from a 47 year marriage to a narc. I 've been dating 66-68 year olds and always get replaced by a 56 year old woman as his favorite. And I stay in the friend zone.
Women are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYBODY'S HAPPINESS!!👍. Take NOTE! 👍
Maybe their own...?
Are men?
Sankofa Sun I think at their best / conscious men, yes absolutely
véronique crabbé Makes sense. Guess the distinction is between wanting someone to be happy and being responsible for it. 🙏
Hmm.. Equality anyone? :D
This is bomb content. Ladies need to listen to this guy.
Thanks man
yes it is. my gut instinct is amazing. dropping fantasies now.
Veronica V Awesome - good work
@@galexynotprovided9945 Yes, I can relate, I was always pretty good at relating with people and yet had to acknowledge one day I was having a hard time in intimate relationships. Glad you found some gold here :)
EVERYONE would benefit from considering these things.
“Use vulnerability as a filter.” Best advice ever!! I’ve had several men let me down as soon as I showed any vulnerability. Unfortunately, this happened after dating a long time. I was even engaged to one of them. I’m going to use this from here on out. Thank you, Jack!
Awesome - glad that's been easy for you to see the value in that perspective. You're welcome!
#3- omg 😮
His dog 🐕 scratched my arm
I was bleeding pretty badly
He showed no emotion - empathy
I asked for a bandaid & he said- nah
Suggested I just rinse it off with water
That showed me enough to stick him into bye 👋 bye 👋 zone - lol 😂
Actually there was a couple other red flags already - then this lack of empathy or care was it- for me. Bye 👋
Janie Miller I get it, sounds like a tough experience. Sometimes as guys we can get logical vs being empathetic, so just a caveat not to subjectify him (for more on that - my video called #1 attitude men love in women) given his response is a long way from what yours would be. Hope you find more of what you are looking for 🙏
What a creep!
Dealing with a narcissist
If a man doesn't make an effort for you, he is not worth giving him any attention
Janie Miller psychopath
The key is being vulnerable. That’s the secret. See how he will react when you let your guard down. Trust me, you will see. If he stays and wants to help, he’s the one for you.
Vulnerability as filter. Yay to that 🙏
Don't tell someone your biggest secrets out of the gate. Tell them about one insecurity and see how they respond. You have to build trust over time. If they humiliate you for sharing or If they start that devaluation crap, with the judgment and harsh criticism, you know you are dealing with a toxic individual! It don't matter what the malfunction is, get out.
"Frustration object relation"! I've never heard this before, but it seems to be the story of ALL areas of my life! Thanks for the insight!!
Carol Grove Yep, was quite eye opening when I learned about it 5 years ago. Glad it’s been illuminating 🙏
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear" 😊 Thank you so much for teaching us. I'm learning
Just discovered your videos. ‘Emotionally available unavailable men’ ........wow....... I almost passed this by this morning. I came upon you by accident. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Thank you, Jack! I’m a fan.
Thank you!! Glad you stumbled across the channel. What's your expc of emotionally AU men?
Omg! Drop the fantasy. I didn't know I did that. You are right, i tend to get stuck on the daydream of fantasy..Thank you
Freedom from the fantasy! 🙏
I knew a 42 year old man whos favorite fim was the Wizard of Oz i mean wtf lol thats fantasy
You are good (comment worthy good 😄). Normally, watching these types of videos will reinforce the painful emotion that makes you click on it in the first place; but I literally FELT BETTER afterwards (this is the second video of yours that I’ve watched). You are informative, compassionate and progressive. You give medicine that may be hard to swallow, but actually does it job and soothes and heals in the end. Thank you so much for your offering. God Bless You.
my1creation Thanks for taking the time to share that 🙏 and it’s gratifying to hear you felt better 😊
my1creation that is exactly how I felt! Well said!
Vanessa Redmond 😃 thank you ☺️ Isn’t the REAL truth just easier to hear AND speak?!
Impressive !
I love the 80/20 idea. It has really helped me to listen to my intuition more. These are fantastic Jack! Thank you for this video. 😊
Suz You’re welcome! Glad they’re really helping 🙏
Your utubes make "a world of difference" thank you for what you do 🙏
I’m literally crying right now it resonated with me so much
Julie Williams Awww, Glad it resonated so much 🙏
Tears came to my eyes, also. Soooo many wasted years of my life.
Yes, and this type of guy is devastating to be with because in the end, he walks out, ghosts you. But I did see some of the signs very early on but I was too overwhelmed by my feelings for him that I couldn't extract myself in time. VERY, VERY PAINFUL! Once he moved back to his country, he let slip some shady things that he was involved in but I couldn't, and I am still struggling to REALLY let him go but I know that I MUST!
Almost the exact thing happened to me .Though,he was focused on his personal problems and eventually stopped having feelings for me. At first he ghosted me then broke up with me saying how stressed he was over the things he's been dealing with and then said he stopped having feelings for me. Before all that happened he was all loving and caring. I just don't understand how fast he changed his mind. 😔
#5 Bingo! I never heard of this description exactly said like this before and it is soooo spot on. Thank you for this clarity.
Glad you like #5, it's definitely the favorite! You're welcome :)
Thanks for the video, it helped me to move away from this emotionaly unemotional unavailable man. It was so confusing and frustating with him. Noone can help him unless he wants to help him. Finally relieved.
THIS IS SOO GOOD! Even when you are dating, you have to put yourself first. If all your energy goes into keeping the other person happy then your relationship is unbalanced and an emotional drain. THANK YOU FOR SHARING!
Omg... yes!! I am in the early stages of #5!!! This makes so much sense. He says he wants a relationship but makes time for everything else, friends and family but me. When I ask about it, be vulnerable, I get told I am bringing him drama and overthinking. NO- he is not available and does not want to be questioned or take accountability for his actions! Agh!!! Three months down the drain. Thank you for making this so I can see NOW that this was going nowhere.
april It's okay. 3 months is a normal period of casual dating to see if you want to commit. You get over that hump, you have yourself a committed LTR. If not, move on, forget him. I know it sucks. Easier said than done. But a better one WILL come along. In love, you have to take a little risk (of getting hurt), otherwise nothing will happen, whatsoever.
I think the last one is the best, IMO. That’s where I’m at after experiencing all the rest. Next is to start meeting men that connect AND are completely available.
MyLucid Ng Tnx! Yes to meeting those kind of men!
Btw I can not believe it is 2019 and we are in need of videos like this or... How to know if he likes you... What is he thinking when ignoring you or 5 steps to get him to call you.... Its just insane. My mom and dad got toghether when my dad saw my mum, thought to himself 'i like her'.. Asked her out and it was as simple as that.... Jesus....
I hear you - I think there are things we can learn from that generation. And - the world has complexified, globalized and technologized since then so it's not apples and apples. And lots of women put up with a lot in their marriages that mostly people stand against today. Back then guys had less need to be emotionally available - that wasn't the contract. Now, if you're a financially secure woman, you may want a guy who's emotionally available because what you're seeking in relationship is different...
@@thejackbutler Right, I agree. Your video is rich and helpful and we need it TODAY. Women used to look for providers and aspired to keep house and to care for children. Men wanted to be seen as strong and "Daddy knows best." More structured and rigid defined gender roles used to be were thought off as living a successful life. Now we need more expansion in thoughts and behaviors and to have even more emotional connection with ourselves.
Nancy Vega Super well said 🙏 Thank you 👍
Lol
Ikr
Sometimes I feel shame about the fact I have not had a real loving relationship yet. :( I have attracted these types and it seems I used to be attracted to these types. I need to change and learn. I am doing self parenting and plugging into my intuition. It’s been a very spiritual awakening and makes me very emotional every day since I’ve started an inner self love journey. Everything you say is SO CORRECT. I DO fantasize about who they are! I didn’t even realize I was doing it!
Hey Tiffany! Glad this message resonated with you. Good luck relaxing the fantasizing and attracting more of what you really want 🙏
Jack brilliant. I really appreciated your sensitivity and care while expressing these truths. I did not get triggered. You did not blame. I really really thank you for conmunicating in a way that created a safe space so that i could listen and learn. Im pretty sure thats why everyone is responding the same. 🎗🏆🎖
Lynne Clothier Awww thank you, appreciate hearing that and the impact it’s having on you, doing my best 🙏
I’m so glad you mentioned #5 ! A lightbulb went off when when you talked about it, now it makes sense what I’ve been dealing with in my relationships. My intuition will tell me the man is not right for me , but yet it doesn’t make sense because sometimes he seems available . And so I walk away from the relationship feeling hurt and deeply confused and wondering if I’m being too judgmental. And also your point #4 really spoke to me, and really thinking about it I can see that since a child with my relationship with my father and siblings and how it’s affected me. I think My core belief is that a man will eventually not be emotionally available to me, and that it’s just the way things are. Omg 😮 I never thought of it that way, that I could possibly be playing a part in being drawn to emotionally unavailable man. Thinking back, I am pretty sure I’ve approached men who are emotionally available, and it scares me because I worry they will smother me or are only with me because they want something from me or eventually treat me bad or think I’m gullible and fall for it. I want a committed relationship but yet the right one seems so out reach. Thank you Jack for your insightful videos and compassion and the space for letting me talk ❤️. I want to do inner work and your videos have given me a little more specifics on what needs more work.
Glad this has been powerful stimulus for you! If you are getting to know an emotionally available guy...What you could practise is really noticing, being with and possibly sharing when you notice a fear of smothering. There may be a mix of relaxing the fear and also practical strategies of adjusting each other and knowing you can take space when you need to. Wishing you well with it!
I'm actually doing 100% on myself at the moment ... we're not together at the moment and I raised my game massively and said he can join me there, or just not contact me again.
I like that we're in your lounge, Jack. It's good.
Great video.
RollingPanda Sounds like a clear communication, hope it leads to clarity with him. Yes, enjoying shooting in the homely context ha!
@@thejackbutler I hope so too. He's a good guy with a good heart, just a bit messy in places, like we can all be at times. I hope he rises to the challenge.
@@CorporateQueen Did he 'rise to the challenge' or 'disappear'?
@@CorporateQueen Ah thanks for the response! Indeed they say it's good to 'live in the moment'!
Definitely have had plenty of time to get to know myself, vulnerabilities, and even face unrealistic ideals and fantasies about a person. I’ve also made a conscious effort stop attracting and or accepting emotionally unavailable men. Perhaps, now I just need to release ‘fear’ that there is a man out for me who’ s emotionally available. I suppose at this point it’s a matter of loving and respecting myself , waiting for the right guy, and being ok with myself in the process.....great video☺️
Yes yes yes - I think this is really well said! Think the more you're good with yourself and your own company, the easier it is to notice who is actually good / right for you. Wishing you well with it! :)
This is amazing! Thank you! All on point! 🙏
Just as an aside, especially with regards to point 3, one must be careful of Sociopaths. Speaking for myself, they are the most seemingly emotionally available and empathetic people, but then later down the line cause major distruction due to all the mirroring, lies, and manipulation. A good question to ask someone of this nature is 'what are you currently doing to improve or work on yourself?' An inability to answer this question properly, will show the inability to see any limitation in oneself. Also good to look at whether they have been able to maintain friendships over a long period of time. Sociopathic people tend to reel you in, and spit you out. Therefore they will have little to no long term friends.
I totally agree with slowing things down. Best to get to know someone on a friendship level first, as endorphins, and Dopamine can make the intuition fuzzy. Love the 80/20% idea. Gonna do that! 🙂
Caitlin Thanks for writing, yes agree sociopaths may need some mindful screening, I like your question. Glad you’re up for practising 80/20, let us know how you go 🙏
A caveat for your point about women showing vulnerability: sometimes guys pretend to be sensitive towards you at the ‘getting to know’ stage, only ato use this against you later. This is my experience with narcissistic men. The eyes and the smile have it (the genuineness), but if the getting to know is mainly via email etc, these cues are not picked up. Expression and body language say a lot.
Totally agree - really not a fan of getting to know someone other than in realtime contact or conversation. It's also where it's important to keep your intuition dialled in so that you are as real and sober as possible about what's in front of you.
You just hit my recent situation on the head with your point #5. I had already figured it out but your "what to watch for" will doubtless help many women who, like me, knew something was off, but didn't understand exactly what was happening until I was emotionally in the hurt zone. I've been doing the work, and your explanations are great.
Thanks Marie! Appreciate that :) And glad to hear you've been doing the work - well done 🙏🏼
Oh my gosh... the “frustrations in life” and “emotionally available unavailable man” and segments just knocked my socks off..!! So on point 😳 I’ve been connecting with an EAUM over the last few weeks... damn are they a confusing breed! It was one of your breadcrumbing videos that really opened my eyes last night, and now you’ve nailed it once again lolz Bravo, Jack 👏😎
Happy these are supporting your awareness 🙏 Yes, EAUM can be very confusing 😅
This is the first time ever I actually feel this is great advice when it comes to relationships. Thank you for giving advice from the heart instead of copying the bs ❤
That's really gratifying to hear - thank you :)
My biggest challenge is being objective and focusing on the now. I am always looking at potential, future, hopes and dreams. Thanks for sharing these ideas! Extremely helpful! Enlightening and useful!
Hey Claudia! Thanks for the feedback! Yes, taking aim at being more objective is powerful work in my experience 🙏🏼
You name the damaged man I've met them, it's really tiring to be honest. It does not take me long to see who they are and I walk away, I'm not looking for a fixer upper I'm looking for a partner.
Just J xx Yay to that! ⭐️
Oh my goodness this video is wonderful thank you
@@kellyannespirithealing42 Hey Kelly Anne! Glad you experienced it so! :)
@@thejackbutler I date handsome emotionally unavailable men. I have been having PTSD triggered when a man says he doesn't want a relationship with me. I really hurt the last man. I wish you would help me
KellyAnne Tynan Doing my best to help with these videos and comments. For real personalized help, I have a few private coaching clients: www.jackbutler.com/apply
I think you are a fabulous guy. You give really sound, gentle, reasonable, uplifting and empowering advice. You don’t bring women down or make them feel bad about their situations. Your clarity and level- headed nature is so helpful. Thank you for helping so many people!! 🙏
Frustrated Object Relations. First time I’ve heard the term and great job explaining. Tears flowing. This has been my life since my first memories.
Page Henkel Chance aww, I hear you. Be gentle with yourself in the exploration 🙏
Thank you. Where can I find more about the emotionally available unavailable person? I had that experience and it seems to make the healing more difficult. Made accepting the breakup much more difficult it seems. It may help to know more about this attachment style so I don’t attract it again.
Page Henkel Chance I came up with that and don’t have more content on it yet! But noted that you may want more. 🙏
Page Henkel Chance More than an attachment style, I would say its guys who aren’t yet owning their masculine clarity
Jack Butler yes! I’m very interested. Thank you for being so responsive and so positive.
Thank you for the last part about the Emotionally Available Unavailable for Relationship Guy. The struggle is real lol and all because we are not taught these concepts growing up 🤦🏻♀️
You're welcome - glad it helped! And yes wouldn't relationship education in schools/college be a thing?
Wow!!! The bonus.... the emotionally available unavailable man... I really needed to hear that, I'm struggling letting go of a man like that, it just always feels like he's soo in tune to me, but everything else is, well pretty much crap, breadcrumbing me, only calls late at nighr, etc. Thank you Jack
catifex I liked that bonus too :). Glad it helps you in your current situation
One of the best videos on this topic I've heard.. . On point and resonated completely. Thank you!
Xtina D Right on! Thank you 🙏
I'm on tip #3 and I'm already feeling like I should be taking notes, and expounding. This is good info!
Hey Miss Jackson Right on! Good to hear 👍
Thank you for supplying the fifth description (emotionally available/unavailable guy). This EXACTLY describes my most recent ex-boyfriend. It wasn't obvious to me what was happening until I had already fallen for him and then he broke up with me. Couldn't understand why I couldn't see the signs clearly until hearing this description. Still heartbroken over what happened. To make it worse, 6 months later he starts dating someone else and 6 months after their relationship began he is living with her and most likely giving her what he couldn't give me. Makes me feel used. Wish these guys would just stay single until they figure their shit out instead of dating when they're not really emotionally available. Would save us so much pain. Lesson learned I suppose.
Very unusual and precise insights in this video, thank you, im subscribing !
Cosmos Spray Thank you for subscribing and the feedback! 🙏
The last type described was actually really accurate and not easy to find that profile in any other video. It would be great to deep dive more. Well done!
EAUG - yes. I think I have picked up on this in other videos but maybe not as the only focus
Jack, thank you so much for sharing. This hits home for me and is powerful and profound. I needed to hear this and I will put your wisdom to use!
Excellent - wishing you well in activating wisdom!
EXCELLENT content! Thank you Jack for being vulnerable enough to recognize yourself on point no. 5. I actually had a huge realization myself. It's not only certain men that are emotionally unavailable. I realized that when men show their vulnerable side I've been the one to run and hide. So thank you so much for that!!!
You're welcome - glad when my personal journey / pain can serve people. Like that realization you had! 🙏
#5 was huge!!! I’m experiencing this right now, nice to have a name for it.
Glad the naming helped! 🙏
Excellent lesson on this subject. When I’m obsessing, fretting, and pining I’m not being emotionally present at all with my own self. It’s a very deep form of self neglect when I think of it. Staying present with oneself in order to be fully present with another is one of the keys to all of this! I will be listening over and over to this talk and take notes until it really sinks in. My parents where 100 percent emotionally unavailable. Now I need a sort of scaffolding into emotionally available domains. I’m so hungry for it that I rush so fast into it but then I get overwhelmed to the point of feeling engulfed and claustrophobic that I have to leave. The pain of the loss isn’t as bad as the pain of the feeling of being emotionally crowded. That symbiotic thing without any real breaks to self regulate scares me to no end.
Absolutely fantastic advice and so so timely as I’ve just finished with a chap who didn’t want me but kept seeing me.... sad this weekend but proud of myself ❤️
Good on you! Think that's so important to do. Virtual cheers to you!
I know the 5th kind closely...ur words are life saving for many !! Keep up the good work 👍
Thank you! Appreciate that 🙏
thank you for your post. the guy i truly love and admire has just walked out on me without me ever seeing it coming. in my truth our relationship was great, healthy and i grew within myself as well as loved him everyday more as i got to know his inner being and character. i felt safe to invest completely. one thing i didnt see coming is that he would just wake up one morning and leave. needless to say i am devastated and confused, i think #5 ( emotionally available, unavailable ) will help me in the long run. untill then, for now i have reached depths of extreme sadness and loss. realising that there is nothing i can do to encourage him to celebrate me for who i am, and choose our relationship.
I hear you, that sounds really tough. Wishing you the courage to be with your experience and feel things as fully as possible, in service of moving on fully. 🙏
@@thejackbutler thank you. my whole being wants him back, but my subtle attempts to connect with him or discuss it has been unsuccessful.
@@hilanamarais8587 Sometimes it can be good to be direct, even if it risks feeling rejecting because then the truth of the situation can emerge - and (over time) - set you free.
Why won't Valerie call me back, she's moved on to a mushroom tip that's not burnt.
Jack!! I'm telling you again!!! You are the best to explain!!! There is no blah blah every one of your words is valuable and brilliant!!
Aww thanks for the reminder! ;)
Thank you Jack! Just found you tonight! I was just wondering about a guy who i dated many years ago who i see when i go out dancing. We have mutual friends together. He fits the guy you talk about in #5. So cool~ I have been on a self awareness and healing journey for awhile now. Healing from a convert narc relationship which turned me to go inward and get help. I am doing major work on my inner child and her wanting!!! Since this deep inner work my eyes have been open to family members and past relationships and friends. My mind and body are changing as i learn how to feel what is happening inside me and choosing to put me first. I am learning so much! I hope to teach and help others in the future~
Sue Sipp Glad you found the channel! Yes, happy I included that no5, seems like it’s been valuable to people. Like hearing of all your inner work, keep it up!
Yea…this is me 100%. Everything that was said really hit home. Subscribed right away!
Thanks for the sub 🙏
This video changed my life. I was primed for this video. Your bonus tip really hit home. Thank you!
Amazing! That's awesome to read! Thanks for tuning in and sharing :)
Point 4 is shockingly true! It's the story of my life! I never seem to be able to get what I would really love. It would be good if you could do a video where you talk more in depth about this issue and perhaps give some advice on how to overcome it.
That was very interesting information, I really need to apply all five concepts to myself especially the 80/20. All I ever do is give my all, and get absolutely nothing but disappointment, hurt and used in the end.. Thank you so much.
Hey Wanda, you're welcome! If you practise this, LMK how you go 🙏
OMG .. i keep rewatch this over and over again.i really need so much to hear this .i have been looking for this content in youtube but i never see this accurate .. really appreciated yr work jack.. thank you so much .
That's really cool to receive, glad my work is occurring to you that way! ATB :)
Three minutes in, subscribed!! 🔥 Love, love, love!!!! #loveyoufirst #bereal #behuman
Same!!! 🔥🔥🔥
Welp, looks like I’m going to be single forever.
Well, the best way to ensure that's not the case is to stop attracting unavailable guys no?
I think most women would be better off getting a dog. They are so much easier to train and they are more loyal too, lol!
Yes focus on self and less on the other. Great way to remember the 80/20 rule!
Being present and not fantasy driven is key. These videos are incredible. Thank you.
Dustin Russel Thank you! Glad you digging in and getting value ⭐️
Wow, your perspective is so accurate, insightful and different than others (relationship experts) preaching on youtube!
Thanks, appreciate you reflecting that 🙏
I know you are amazing because you hit on something no one else ever has: “Is frustration in the background.” That described my life for a long time. Everyone else always seemed to get what they want in life so easily and me, I would get it but waaaaay later after a lot of hardship.
Sounds like life’s working you on a courageous path, keep it up!
Oh this is amazing! Such a lesson to learn and what you are saying is so true.. I had to learn all this the hard way and I think the problem that we women have is we like to nurture or help these men, like we are with everyone else, as its part of our biological makeup in life but it serves to work against us!.. thank you for this x
Yes - learning how to transcend and include our biology is a real journey of development!
Yes very true Sweety Jones - we women tend to be overly compassionate and merciful regarding someone's serious faults and bad behavior. No one can be 'rescued' against their will. It is OK to have compassion from a safe distance! (paradoxically we then are often berated for being 'too picky'..)
@@NarnianLady Haha... So true!
I watched this vid 3 hrs ago and ive already commented. I must say that that #4 about the enotionally available unavailable man has helped me find a resolve. Even though ive been working to move on, a part of my emotional body was still stuck with and on him seeking clarity and resolution. You've given me that. The emotional connection was amazing and what i deeply wanted but accepting the illusion is paramount. Learning to create the emotional connection with myself has been difficult as a child bc i was emotionally abandoned (and so was he), and i went from one intense relationship to another...now back to square one in trying to create that connection within myself.
Thank you, I really needed that tonight! 👍 It's like TH-cam read my mind 😂
Crystle Senn Oh awesome! Love it when that happens 🙏
Damn!!!! That concept makes all the common sense in the WORLD! Thank you for your honesty.
Desert Beauty You’re very welcome!
you rock jack! love the last one! biggup!👊🏼
Da First Lady Thank you ⭐️
This was very informative. I just ended a six year long distance relationship. All the points, especially #5 struck a cord. He seemed very emotionally attentive, but other things did not match up. He seemed good at getting things he wanted or his way. I feel like my radar is off, but working on listening to my intuition and trusting that inner feeling. Great content. Thanks.
This is such great advice, I've had two failed long term relationships, and I totally agree with all your points, just wished I'd behaved like this earlier! X
Sarah Davies Glad those points landed well with you. Wishing you well for something better going forward!
Jack is so cool! Absolute best video Ive seen. Greatly appreciate. This clearly defines do much. Thank you.
Aw happy this was a good video and clear video for you! 🙏
Yes. So powerful. That is what happened to me for sure. I watch you and Helena a lot and have learned so much. He told me sorry If I lead you on after he asked me to be his girl, fix my car meet family friends co workers. He Is hurt by life and would not let me in. I saw that and tried, but I had to move on. Thank you so much for your videos.
Camilla Martz Glad you tried your best and then honored what you needed. You’re welcome 🙏
Hi Jack, I was led into this video from your narcissist video released yesterday. I recently released a relationship that I saw I was invested but he wasn't. It took me till today to realize exactly didn't happen. I walked away without tears (the earth shattering tears). Thank you for the validation.
Wowwwwww! This is indeed "unusual" tips! Thanks jack your videos are making me grow in self love, acceptance, respect for myself and deeper connection with myself. I feel alot more confident and defined about what I want, and what I should seek, without compromising my own happiness anymore ! Thank you so much.. But why didn't you start a channel earlier before now??!.. But You know what? It's not too late, i'm so glad you started a channel, more importantly I found you!
... Frankly, there's a strong connection between your style of delivery and content with that of Helena. Though your content differs for sure in a certain way, I feel a synergy, and hearing from the male perspective gives evidential proof Helena definitely knows what she's always been talking about.
.. With you both, I definitely have grasped my true Feminine Energy, I feel a networking of self inside of me, and I'm a part of me now!!! Feels so good! :) 💞
Thanks for the share and the wow! Yes, I appreciate Helena's work and glad to hear you're getting to know your true essence!
Very well said. Exactly how I'm feeling. You put it so eloquently. Thank you
catifex Great to hear 🌟
I'm so thankful you are posting these videos
⭐️🙏⭐️
Thanks Jack, you are so spot on, I am so out of tune with myself, I know it and am now working on it. Thank you for the apologies, you're so sweet. 😊😍😙. It's the apologies I feel I needed.
Londy M. Thank you 🙏. Glad the apologies landed for you, that’s gratifying to hear 😊
Wow....this really helped me. So many insights that I’ve never thought about. Very valuable information. Thank you!
LisaS. Love that you experience it that way! 🙏⭐️
Thanks for the video! It means a lot to me as I am now at the point getting over the “emotionally available” unavailable guy in my life. It’s really really tough
I hear you - often it's tough because there is a genuine love there, even if it's not committed partnership
YOU HAVE SPOKEN TO ME TODAY AND I THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR THIS GOOD WORD!! MUAH!!
StandStill 72 You’re welcome! Glad it served you 🙏
This advice is absolutely amazing!! I found myself doing this going towards the end of 2021 with certain friendships. I started LISTENING to my intuition when it would tell me that someone wasn't genuine with me and redirected my focus on bettering myself so much to the point that now I don't even miss those fabricated friendships. I'll be sure to apply this formula to every area of my life from here on out. Great video! 👍🏽
Wow so much good information I actually sat down and took notes to be real! Exactly what I needed to hear and know, definitely will share and pass along!
Shailey Trejo I appreciate the dedication! Thanks for sharing 🙏
I take notes too!
I am married to an emotionally unavailable man. I am going through shitt right now am so much frustrated Beacuse of him and am suffering from depression and I came across this video thank you so much it’s helping me to move on giving me courage
Yay to moving on, finding your courage. Keep going 🙏
Brilliant! Possibly beyond brilliant...because 100% spot-on yet first I'm hearing! That's hard to do. Hats off to you! Thank you!
Oh wow, thanks! Happy for brilliant, or beyond brilliant ha! :)
This is great thank you. A lot of these 10 ways how to videos don’t go far or deep enough into the importance of working on yourself. You can tell someone not to do this and not to do that but if they don’t investigate deeper and figure out what is driving those patterns, they will still perpetuate them.
And your last point was spot on. In astrology these men usually have an emphasis of Pisces or one of the water signs in their natal chart. Water is the element of emotions, so being emotionally literate and available is natural to them, yet they can also completely lack clear boundaries. If you think about water, is has no form of its own save the container it’s in.. a valley, a river bed, a glass or mug of water and so end up merging with others and being people pleasers - water people have to work very hard to figure out what their own form boundaries look like and define it for themselves.. and that takes making a lot of mistakes first but ultimately like you say putting effort into tuning into themselves to figure out what their own needs are. Like water and like what you say they can very easily “slip through your fingers”. Good stuff!
Sonja Joy Yes to the deeper investigation of underlying patterns. And thanks for the water sign piece, my Cancerian Scorpio Rising ears pricked up :)
Jack Butler Ah! Cancerian stellium in the 12th here with Neptune in 6th! Boundaries are a huge thing for me.. love your channel I’m newly subscribed. And I love how you are honest and open about how you are and have been in the past in relationship.. authenticity makes your content more genuine and relatable. 🙌🏻
Wow, very on point. I found out these "patterns" myself allready. Now trying to resolve them..which seems harder to me.. :D
Thank you very much for your empathic way, much love!
Yes, noticing and resolving patterns can be two different things. It's like one-time awareness vs sustained in-the-moment awareness. Glad you're liking my way! 🙏🏼
This useful video was so relevant to what I just experienced. Thank you Jack. It's embarrassing to admit that when my first love contacted me last month and I went on a lunch date with him that I was not dating the man in front of me but I had projected our first love story (we are each other's first loves) which holds special memories for me into the situation. I'm thankful I did not go on a second date with him when he asked because this could have ruined those special memories I have and want to keep. But then after I rejected his offer to go on a second date, he went no contact on me and then I stupidly found myself wanting to move forward into that space. Thankfully I got a grip and didn't text him a second time and now he and I both are no contact and that's the way I want it to remain. I didn't want him and yet that shows you how powerful no contact is when someone does it to you, it makes you think you want them. When in reality it was my own ego that was reaching back out even though I rejected him. I wish he could just be a friend since our first relationship was decades ago but his ego won't allow himself to be put into the "friend zone".
#5 was SUPER applicable to me. 🤯
Awesome :)
@Priyanka Gupta Thank you, my dear!! 🤗
@Priyanka Gupta I wish I could see this - just shows as a square on my screen!
You are sooo right. And them are the guidelines I follow for myself.
Love it Jack, I resonate deeply and feel like you have given me the missing jigsaw piece. I also appreciate your own candid vulnerability thank you so much.
Gwen Robinson Love that this resonates deeply 🙏 Yay to the missing jigsaw piece, good luck integrating it
Thank You Jack.
@@gwenrobinsonbodybasedpsych6029 :)
Amen! 🙏 Best advise about emotionally unavailable men that I came across so far! This is such a good advise, thank you so much for the content!
Katia thank you! Appreciate you feeding that back 👍🏼
damn, sincerely appreciate your insight and the healthy dose of reality. thank you for shifting my perspective on the templates present in my life
McKenna Hendrickson Hey McKenna - you’re welcome - thanks for sharing that back 🙏
Being an INFJ personality type whose N and F values are off the charts and an idealistic incurable romantic...I specialize in being vulnerable and attracting emotionally unavailable men lol, even though I am looking for a beautiful bond like that of my parents. I might just be the poster child in this regard. Have no fear, I am daily growing. My Father told me a long time ago that I am very tender hearted, not a bad trait all, but I have to remind myself to guard it well. Thank you for this video.
Esther414 You’re welcome. Yes, probably good to direct some of that romantic idealism once you’re discerned it really is the right relationship? And yay to NFs!