Living with someone who has DID: 10 tips for communicating with their alters
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ม.ค. 2023
- In this video from The CTAD Clinic, Dr Mike Lloyd (Clinic Director) answers a subscriber question about how people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) manage in long-term relationships (also applicable to those with Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD). The focus is on offering 10 tips for partners (or friends, colleagues, parents etc) of people with DID who want to develop communication with internal systems / alters. #otherspecifieddissociativedisorder #osdd #dissociativeidentitydisorder #did #therapy
This was so helpful. I'm currently being divorced because of my DID, and have been regularly astounded by seeing folks with DID who have super supportive partners. It gives me hope that such love and support can exist and that my diagnosis is not something that will forever relegate me to having to walk this life alone. If I ever decide to risk another romantic relationship, these are very helpful tips, and I will definitely share them with any future partner.
Many years ago I was diagnosed with lupus & very sick. My partner was awful (I won't go into details) and after we broke up I was convinced I'd never have a relationship again. But, that really wasn't the case, and although it ended the next long term relationship again, finally I met someone amazing.
They have recently been diagnosed with DiD and, although there are many difficulties, learning about their alters and system together has been nothing short of magical and a real privilege to be granted that level of trust. There will be a right someone out there right for yous, when yous are ready. Sending you all the positive thoughts xx
@@onethingafteranother thank you, so much! ❤️
Such love and support do exist! I wish the person for you will cross your path at the right time. Don't give up hope. And also know: you have the same amount of love and support to offer them! I am so sorry to hear about your divorce. I wish you strength and stability, and support from those around you.
@@binarystar11235 thank you, so much.
I echo all of these replies, wishing you much happiness in your future. Be with the person who wants to be with you as you want to be with them.
The struggle is real,especially when you have DID and noone in your life knows...or believes in it. 😔💔
Same shoes... hug
Thank you for this video!
I try to avoid interaction of (younger/trauma) alters with my partner, because it is very uncomfortable and stressfull for all when that happens. I try to isolate myself in a quiet separate room if I feel an alter is triggered or close to the front, and let them write to our therapist or do something that comforts and acknowledges them like listening to a voice message from my therapist for the specific alter. I feel like I want privacy for my system, and not have my 'underage' alters interact with other people except other alters and our therapist. I don't think these alters want that either. I am so glad that I have enough awareness now so that most of the times this works, but not always...
Thank you, very helpful to hear techniques others use. I can incorporate that tool. If you have more, share away please. I'm rather new to this.
@@MarciaB12Us toooo🎉
My husband has truly been my rock throughout all of this.
He is one of the only people in my life who is truly caring and supportive. Im so lucky to have him.
I was astounded by the efforts made by some of my alters to reach out to my husband, asking for help and even one passing the torch of their own "job" to this person on the outside of the system.
This opened up so much room for healing and deepening our marriage.
Communication and compassion are #1 for us.
That's heart warming to read ❤
I figured out with a friend I've become very close with that it's as much a learning process for us as for them. There is shame in being ourselves with them, and there is confusion in knowing how to act because we've kept to ourselves since finding out. So recently I (Dai, the one who actually befriended them) decided that it would just be me interacting with them. Then I still couldn't stop talking about my alters because they're so important to me. It's like I'm trying to have my own life without actually having my own life. But overall the overriding feeling is just fear and shame because the instinct is to hide it and being open and normalizing it in a relationship is like swimming against the current.
Been in a relationship with my wife for over 20 years who has DID. I "know" all 8 alters pretty well. But I've been working on for a decade is to encourage communication between my wife and "our girls." Many times I feel like I'm getting in the way of that discourse between host and her alters. Love them all but I have the nagging feeling that my wife is missing out on unique perspectives of herself. Just wish she could have the same conversations I have with the "girls."
This is really nice to see. We don't have a partner but want one, and since a lot of our trauma is relational we struggle with this kind of stuff a lot. Having a guidebook makes a world of difference
Thank you so much for answering my question! I’m going to share this with my partner and start applying some of these tips. Love the channel and information as always!
I am so glad you saw this, and thank you for the question. A complex answer, perhaps, hoping things work out well for you both!
Host/they are never a burden for me. I want to know as much as i can, I want to be there for them and do everything i can to help each one of the alters. I love them all and they are just a wonderful person in so many ways. How can i not want to take care of them and love them? Thank you so much for all this information!
My husband wants me to move to the UK so I can be treated My Dr. Lloyd,and believe me, if i thought there was a way l would do it. He was dead serious. ❤
Hopefully that would not be necessary!
The approach in this video sounds about right for systems seeking final fusion. I found some of the content towards the end of the video came across to me as seeing some alters as second class in the system. Probably not want you intended based on your words at 2m22s in this video. - It would be really helpful to have this content reworked in a part two video for different type of systems where there are clearly multiple hosts, the system is not masking in public and is openly plural, and the system is seeking functional multiplicity in context of managing relationship/s. Something that might be better worded for systems more like the Gianu system, the hydra coven system, the pizza system, etc. - as always we feel your content is thoughtful and compassionate.
I don’t necessarily agree, nothing about this was towards fusion, it is about managing in the day to day with whoever happens to be around. I don’t see a ‘class system’ of alters at all. Thanks you for your thoughts, always good to hear perspectives!
@@thectadclinic I could see how just the language in this video, going "the person" compared to "that person's alters" could kinda sound like it was exclusive to final-fusion-seeking-systems, but I think that's just a matter of semantics. I think this video is good advice for any kind of system.
Hi I think what sounded offencive to listening systhems is, that you suggested the partner calls the systhem bye the name he has the relationship with to get them back, even though they might be at home and an other alter wants to be at the front. I had the same impression listening. Excuse my english. I too would welcome a clarification about the spending time with different alters without trying to get the partner back to the front. Thanks for you're work!
I was diagnosed a few months back. Thank you so much for your channel. It has been incredibly helpful.
I am in a polyamorous relationship with two different systems and I’m currently in a relationship with two members or each system. Both systems have excellent support networks from their respective therapists and our collective community who are aware of them being systems as well as our chosen family. Hands down these are the best communication I’ve ever had and we are all very happy together. There are always hard days and struggles we have but such is the case for any relationship. Your channel has been so helpful to me as a the only singlet in our polycule and I cannot thank you enough for making these videos.
We're in relationship with another system and it's definitely a lot of work sometimes XD
Especially trying to remember the different people's stories and stuff, updating everyone about everyone.
But the work definitely feels worth it. Healthiest relationship we've ever had.
being im a relationship with another system really is something else- i am so thankful for my partner and it is so incredible being loved and seen as we are and knowing that they truly understand. it definitely made accepting my own systemhood far easier, that's for sure! so great that you and your partner have a healthy relationship :)
Thank you for this video, it truly means a lot.
This video comes in handy a lot, so thank you!
Also really digging the new intro
Thank you for this video.
I would really like more videos like this please, this is so helpful.
Relationships are damn near impossible with us these days even though it was the women I was with who even showed me I had DID. I sure wish I could have learned about trauma related mental health a different way tho.
This is more confirmation that my singlet partner and I are on the right track. Thank you
Watching this and realizing how lucky I am to have a partner that intuitively knew what to do in a lot of these situations when I didn't especially at the beginning of our diagnostic process. Thank you for making this video for systems and their partners to better understand one another
You r fortunate. My husband tries but he has his own issues and it can get very ugly. But he tries. I don't feel peace ever at home. I wonder if your husband is innately calm. Mine is not.
@@MarciaB12 I'm sorry to hear that, I hope he can grow and learn to be a more supportive outlet so your system can heal in all ways. Our partner is a very calm person but I think all system partners have their moments. We come with a lot of rules and it can be too much for them. It's okay for them to be overwhelmed but they have to understand how to communicate that kindly.
My bf already had a family member with DID and has had friends with DID before so he was fully accepting and wlecoming. Hes the only person on the planet that me and my system feel fully safe with. Even alters who have no idea who he is know hes just a safe person and they can go to him if they need help (though they dont have to). He helped us get out of our toxic home and has been a massive part of our healing over the past two and half years. Its a constant discussion between us and those of us that can try to kepe him up to date on important system changes.
wow - i've never heard anyone talk about this. it always seemed like that's the thing you do on your own no matter what ; and sometimes hav e to explain weird things. Thankyou for this
The issue in my case is that I was bound to marry someone at or near my level of emotional health. Its not like I was going to go after a warm, mature person who had a stable life either. So expecting a "normal" response, like those you discussed from him is not going to happen. So I am left to switch on my own. Frankly, I don't want to share my parts with someone who won't even help themselves. But its such a lovely thought. Difficult.
Excellent!!! This is so helpful considering that it integrates the reality of the person with DID and her relationship with others not only with the therapist!!! Thank you so much
You are most welcome!
Thank for the talk on this topic and thank you for the questions as well.
I am going through this issues for sure. My alters do not want to communicate directly with my partner but they would come out and fight for me. It's unfair for my husband. May be slowly introducing my husband into visiting us in the therapy could be a great idea. Is there anything you could advise us? You can make another video session on it instead of directly replying us if it's a long and complicated answer. 😄
This is a tough issue to get through, I sincerely hope things work out well for you both.
This sounds like it’s advice for people that have superior control of all their consciousnesses and the system. A lot of us with DID do not have that. It also feels like it’s a lot of pressure on a system and could cause a lot of people, “alters” to go into hiding further because they don’t have that amount of control or knowledge of it.
Thank you for always providing such wonderfully informative videos. I love watching every one of them. :)
I got diagnosed with DID right before my insurance ended a few years ago, so I haven't been able to really seek proper help for it. I'm very curious what therapy will eventually look like for me because there's still so much I don't understand about myself, but your videos help me to not feel afraid. I feel prepared and at peace, like this is no bigger a hurdle than my other health issues. Thanks for making this disorder more navigable and less intimidating, even for those of us who just getting started.
Thank you so much!
I've been sharing your videos with those closes to me, as a way to help them understand me as a system. Thank you so much for all the good work you do, especially for people like us! 💜
P.S: Can you talk about being frontlocked and what it means to be such? Again, Thank you!
Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you
Thank you, this is has been severely stressful for my partner and the video helped me see that more clearly and gave us good advice to work into our lives. I would love for it to be easy, for many reasons it isn't. I feel responsible for how quickly I can return to functioning without needing his constant help.
Thank you, Marcia, hopefully this will help along the journey for you both.
@@thectadclinic I keep saying this but I am in shock the Dr. Lloyd not only reads our comments but answers. That in itself is worth its weight in gold. You have no idea, brings tears to my eyes. Being an RN (not functioning now) when I find another person who goes that extra mile like I did is so rare. At least here in Flori-Duh USA. Thank you. 🥰
in our case we feel highly invalidated when people use our body's name for all of us. while using it to refer to the one that goes by that name is ok, using the name for every single one of us isnt
I dont like giving my other parts names. Like when u look thru a prism, it breaks up into colors but they r still the prism. I see myself like that. The problem with relationships is that we r all prisms to one degree or another. It is very hard for people with life problems too. House needs fixing, exhaustion, lack of funds, sick grandchildren etc...I can not for the life of me figure out how to deal with life and my husband.tþ_y They r 2 separate from *
I have DID and am lucky to have an understanding partner, but it's not always easy. She forgets sometimes and when one of my parts takes over, one that doesn't have a close relationship with her and they don't get along the same way, my partner can be hurt by something they say or do because she doesn't remember that it's not *me* the host anymore, and she thinks I am treating her differently or rejecting her. My alters aren't always vocal about fronting and our switches are very subtle most of the time. We have to communicate *so much* all the time and it's a lot of hard work, but she is a very supportive ally and has come to adore some of my alters, and they appreciate her as well.
Thank you for this video. I found number 6 a bit confusing. I can understand if you are out of the house together in public that you might want to refer to the main name of your partner, but when you are at home or in a more private environment, wouldn't it be ok to use the alter's name if you are both comfortable to do so? Otherwise it could feel dismissive for that part? I might have totally misunderstood this point, but that is why I wanted to just clarify. Thank you!
Sorry if it confused you! Of course, using the appropriate name is fine, generally encouraged when safe and ok to do so. Home is usually the best place for this!
@@thectadclinic Thanks so much for clarifying 😊
Very helpful video but I want to ask how to deal with an alter you can't stand, an alter who caused so much destruction throughout life, 2 in particular. Any advise would be very useful...thank you..
❤
What do you do when the partner has this, is in denial that there is anything wrong with them, is verbally abusive, and is always blaming the other person for their issues and behavior?
What if there isn't "a person"?
No "original" or no person "who is always out the most" (since that changes)?
All alters are alters, all parts are parts, isn't that true?
there is a person with DID/OSDD, they have parts. As they explained at 2:22 in the video, 'the person' could mean as a collective, or as the host, could be the more functional parts.
@@kage2670 Which yes, absolutely makes sense, but I must say that the rest of the time the wording makes it sound a little bit "the host and it's alters" centric. To us at least, we're autistic though and sometimes need specifications.
But perhaps it would have been good to have a "Person in this context refers to the collective / can mean multiple alters " warning or something like that?
(Edit: Maybe a visual one that is there throughout most of the video?)
It might be a little bit difficult to understand and keep in mind for some people otherwise, pardon...
Especially since this "the one real/original person and their alters" thing was still a very common misconception people believed in and kept spreading around up to a while ago.
Substitute person for “host” or “collective” whichever works for your system ❤
@@sleepytimejunction8780 thanks for your thoughts, though the last bit of your comment isn’t really a misconception, that is the most common presentation in our clinical settings!
@@thectadclinic Thank you for your kind reply!
Now I must have worded something confusingly, it seems...?
Of course "the >one person< and their alters" model [whether that is the supposed "original" alter in their eyes or just one who fronts the most, the important part here is that there's maybe a little bit too much of a focus on the former? From the alters which are put in a distant "other" category only the "most full-fledged" or "most intrusive ones" are seemingly truly being taken seriously no matter how much talk there is about communication and cooperation] is currently the most common one in clinical settings (*coughs* especially given the circumstances), but what I meant isn't that it's a misconception that that 'host presentation' exists, but that many people to this day believe that it is *the only* way it can represent, which is not only blatantly wrong but also potentially harmful...
That's all it was supposed to say.
Either way, that aside, it may make some people either feel entirely unheard (and mayhaps even hopeless as there "doesn't seem to be much that can help them") or pressured to change and "heal the right way", which may not even be the right way for them at all, because as we all know, there's hardly ever a one size fits all solution that isn't just a "one size fits the specific sample group" (Just to relate it to something else in the DSM that needed to be researched multiple times over and is just now really getting somewhere: Funny that we as a society ever used to believe autism was only a boys thing, hm? Then there was "autism in males and autism in females", which if anything was just based on silly societal gender roles and the fact that women are just expected to "be better" and thusly either sink or swi- I mean, mask their autism or pay the consequences for nothing but bad luck in the genetic lottery... of course the situation is not even close to as ridiculous, dire and straight up awful as that, but let's just say I for one am glad there's more and more research about DID that is being done, hopefully with all sorts of different people, because it sure seems as though many bases aren't covered yet and we should have good solutions for as many things as possible, not just the "majority". It's better than having an entire group or two fly under the radar.) or "one size fits the majority (which may actually even hurt the people outside if it)", so to speak.
Long rambling short, I wrote all of this merely to voice my general concerns around the topic and it's of course nothing personal at all and long stopped being about the otherwise very good video, I hope that somehow comes through in my writing, it's hard to find the right words...
Yet another really useful video. Thank you. I would love to know how much of this applies to support people? Professional support people. So it’s not a real life relationship of friendship, if that makes sense?
And an add on question: if dissociated alters/parts all make up the one whole person (is that right?) then how come the partner should encourage another part/alter out?
I understand certain circumstances where it’s not appropriate, but the responses you exampled sounded so dismissive of the part/alter. As though it’s the person who is real and the parts are not?
Even though the “partner” may not be romantically or otherwise involved with each part, how come that one part or the “person” as you say is the only part of them that counts?
I guess we always assumed, once we became more aware, that we were parts of one person, and while some parts do more adult jobs in the day to day, no part is more important than other? And all are needed to make up the whole actual person and their experience of the world?
Or am I way off?
Thank you again for sharing such helpful videos.
Definitely, a lot of this is for others, such as wider family, friends, support staff, inpatient teams etc, minus the obvious intimacy aspects.
I'm having issues with my little coming out in intimacy, I have to try and stop and then just end up de personalising. When I try and speak to my partner about it, he doesn't seem to understand and thinks its quite complex. Which I understand as he always saw my little part as just a part of my personality- only after my emdr, brain spotting and flash technique did I start to develop DDNOS. I also only found out about my childhood sexual abuse after my emdr. Now I feel very confused and keep getting somatic flashbacks with sickness. I feel curious to know how a sexual compulsion or sexual aggression part comes out to. I completely blanked out once when an a very angry sexual part came out :/
Is there a description about the new intro somewhere? I'd like to know more of the thoughts around it.
I like it better than the old one with the static.
Can you talk more about this? I'm undiagnosed and 40 years old. Not much amnesia. But each part seems to relate to my Husband in different ways. He can't tell the difference between us and he seems to treat us all like the same person. But our relating to him differently has been the source of a lot of stress. Child parts view him as a parental figure...me and another part are with him romantically but that has caused jealousy between us. Which is bizarre to be jealous of yourself. I'm blended with my parts a lot so the distinction is vague most of the time. My therapist just tells me it's all me and I should give myself credit... Is it okay to have different levels of relationship to your partner?
Geez. This is so intense and alot! I have a long term 'friend', who gets this better than I do, sees when I shift, knows who they are, and handles it well. I'm not doing so well with it. I get confused, think I've gone to hell. He says I switched and I don't believe him. Come to find out I did. It's a circus in here and out of control. He can't stop me from throwing out all I love while in another part, not stop the obscene spending, the cursing, nor the taking off I do while in other parts. There is no adult running the show. She switched out and now all the adults are hidden and I'm left with not knowing what to do most of the time.
Are you like the only person that understands this? How the heck do we find help?
If you find out, let us know. It is truly astounding how difficult it is to get matched with the appropriate resources. Wish you the best of luck.
Try the ISSTD organization. They gave a list of therapists on there who are knowledgeable about this. You can search for ones close to you.
What about having DID and being a parent?
Though the support and dedication to this subject is highly appreciated, (as there isn't enough of it out there) I am a little concerned at some of the information shared. For context I am the positive internal mother figure of an OSDD system and they tend to have very strong feelings about independent personhood, preferring their identities and names acknowledged over any assumed host when up front. I am curious why as a doctor it feels appropriate to you to refer to a "person" who "has alters", as if the alters were secondary or less-than the assumed one who is dissociating. As in my experience, fully-formed alters are equal to eachother and would like to live in harmony and have their own share of life rather than have to succumb to the life of someone else indefinitely.
As far as partnerships go, it is appropriate that the partner would gravitate and connect with the first and foremost alter they have met or connected with, which may be the host or it may not be, the other alters may be like brothers or bystanders in the relationship but what a partner needs to understand is that they are all people who need their time out and alone every so often, and not to push for the "desired" alter to appear as soon as possible to be with them again.
By all means though anyone who would like to debate on this feel free to. I am open to new information and just want to learn how these perspectives work in DID communities.
Thanks for your question. As clinicians, we don’t see alters as being ‘less’, or ‘more’, but dissociation as a condition that has occurred to a person who has been traumatised in some way. Therefore, alters are aspects, incredibly important ones, of a trauma-based condition. If this were not the case, they may not be wanting treatment, and then would not be in the clinical space. Some people believe that their DID is more about a natural way of living, as you may do, in which case, we wouldn’t necessarily see them clinically, as they are doing fine with their way of life. We see people who want to heal from their trauma, so may have a very different experience than you do. I hope that helps!
@@thectadclinic ah, I'm not referring to any self-claimed natural form of plurality, I am talking about DID as a clinical diagnosis, which includes trauma and stress, alongside what I was asking per say. But I appreciate the response nonetheless
Living with me and whoever I am isn't easy. I shoulda said cuz they NEVER knew me and were typically abusers that I disassociated and changed because they were abusive. I sure couldn't live with someone else like me though. D.i.d is hard to have but ccptsd is even harder when u can't tell who is who and who has it? Do they all if it started over early childhood. 🤔 only one man that cared (romantically) even noticed.
What was life like before you knew you had alters because idk if I have any or if it’s just a personality disorder.
They have been present since I was about 8. I do not remember much at all about my life before them and have big holes in memory after them too. You would absolutely not want this. Dissociative amnesia and non-continuous consciousness makes regular life much harder.
@@Cathy-xi8cb I know but my therapist brought it up to me now I’m really scared that I have it because I’ve been noticing things more and more and I’m just really confused rn but I don’t want to claim anything because I’m not entirely sure about it :( I’m sorry I didn’t mean any disrespect at all
@@elliottmares1723 Your therapist should have access to the formal evaluations for DID. No guessing required. They do a structured interview and this eliminates personality disorders and other diagnoses. The SCID-D is the most comprehensive evaluation tool used by licensed providers. Many people have other dissociative disorders that can be very severe, and people with DID can be more functional than those people are. I would say that anyone that went through absolute hell and is still able to hold a good job and raise a family, be part of life in many positive ways but finds that things happen that they can't explain at all, should be evaluated for DID. The disconnect is actually a big clue. Someone who has been struggling and can remember everything/is always in control of their actions good or bad, but is absolutely miserable needs good support and skilled treatment, but it might not be DID. I do not wish you have this. Therapy is hard to find and expensive. Takes many years and can still leave you not functioning well, just not dead.
I think other's have mentioned this already but the way you talk about "the person" kind of feels iffy to me like were all people?? It kinda felt a little suggestive that some of us were not people ;-;
Ik that probably wasnt your intention or anything but i didnt want to just say nothing lol
This sounds like an advanced implementation who’s been in therapy and has a set rel’p ????
it can feel like it certainly, which is why support within therapy is often so critical. Hopefully, some aspects are ok to follow on without this, though!
I’d like to see a role play with these interactions that you speak about.
Doesn't it seem somewhat cruel to tell a person to not talk about the trauma that they have been hurting with for so long?
I think not if talking about it overwhelms and leads to harm. Safety needs to be in place first, that's why the trauma work is phase two.
Talking about it can help but not universally.. For some systems it's helpful for some it isn't and just reminds them of what happened thus making them worse.