Mom of a 6wk premie baby here. I get her fears. But she’s turning her fears into perceived intentions. I remember there was a day after my baby was discharged from the NICU that I had to be alone with her all day so my spouse, my parents, and anyone they could gather could try to get our house painted before we could go back to our home (renovations were scheduled with her due date in mind and a premature birth threw a major wrench in everything!). I was terrified! My whole support system would be an hour and a half away, I was alone with my baby for the first time, and I was so afraid that something bad would happen. But what I didn’t do was decide that everyone was abandoning me. I didn’t assume that no one cared about me or my daughter because not one person stayed behind with me. That would be delulu. In my experience so far, parenting is steeped in fear. The fear changes as the kid grows, but there’s always a little fear. OP is going to have to learn to process and address the fear instead of projecting it onto everyone else.
Also, I get the sense from OP that if one of her other sisters had a baby around the time that her mom was expected to be spending time with OPs kiddo when she doesn’t see them much and mom chose to cancel her plans to stay with sis and new baby, OP would take offense in the same way she is now.
As much as I agree, I also wonder why the rest of the family didn't think about having Christmas, just for this year, closer to the family member that CAN'T travel. I think it's a bit rough that this new mum is not even being given the chance to be around her family for Christmas. 🤷♀️
I was looking for someone to say this. This is the only thing that makes me feel like she might have at least a little bit of a reason to why she feels neglected. From what we heard there's no reason that SF sister and fam couldn't come in for one year, especially since she's the only one who's far away.
@shelbycharney665 Exactly, she has 2 kids that, from the information we have, are more than capable of travelling. If they all want to be together so bad, then why aren't they coming to the person who can't, and should be, travelling right now? I think her feelings are completely valid here, but focusing on the wrong trigger. I feel she's gone through a lifetime of coming off second best to her siblings, which is a feeling I can wholeheartedly relate to, and now that it's a time where they would all usually be together as a family and she is going to be left behind she's mixing up her childhood trauma with the very real feeling of loneliness at Christmas time. I actually feel sorry for this poor girl. She's gone through, what I can only assume was hell, these last couple of weeks and just when she needs her village the most not one of them have seemed to think about whether she would like to have Christmas, her baby's first christmas at that, with her family. And it's kind of obvious she was never thought of because if Baby was due at the end of December, she probably shouldn't have been travelling regardless.
@adelemaidment756 yeah that's the other thing. I had my first right before Halloween and still no one in my family wanted us traveling for the holidays. I can't imagine having a premie and being expected to travel or to be excluded otherwise. Just super weird behavior for this family
@@adelemaidment756 , this all possible, but unless mom spent a month with other sister's kids, when they were born, which isn't mention and I'm sure would be, had it happened. It kinda points to the mom doing to her best with 3 daughters to raise and make feel loved equally, which is very hard to do depending on perception. I'm a middle child too and my older and younger brothers defiantly get more attention than me, but I also know and understand why that is now in my 40's and after dealing with balancing my attention with my nieces and nephews. And for the longest time, my oldest niece didn't understand why we give her younger cousins so much attention and stuff. Once she got older and understood that were actually living in poverty, she saw things differently. We don't know when the tickets were booked or what the sister has going on in her life to why she can't travel to them.
She would be the AH if she did this but also if my sister has just had a premie baby I as a sister would want to offer help to the sister who wasn’t able to be there for Christmas. I think I would feel actively uncomfortable leaving my sister out knowing especially knowing she had just gone through something traumatic.
OP definitely seems hormonal but also..she was due around Christmas? I’m surprised the family didn’t pivot their plans for this one year so they could all be close by for the baby on its first holiday. That’s at least what my family would do
Blunt Tough Love Ahead: I'm honestly disappointed with the comments on this one. The lack of compassion and the presence of minor ignorance, is astounding. A) The family had plenty of time to reroute holiday plans, to include an immediate family member that physically can not travel. If the sister can afford hotel rooms for everyone, in one of the most expensive economies of the world, then she could've definitely made it happen. B) It's not about growing up. It's about her very real feelings, of her family not giving a shit about her and her baby; as they had months to include them in their plans and they CHOSE not to. It's ops baby's first Christmas and her first Christmas as a mother. Her family showed her that they could care less, about whether they were there or not. C) The above proves that Op has validated feelings about how her family treats her. As someone who's mom can be helpful but she's emotionally closed off, I feel Ops pain. My mom helped a lot the first week, now it's crickets. She doesn't reach out and when I do, it's a brief interaction. Shes seen her a handful of times, and it's been three years. I'm glad all of you have loving families, as that's the only way I can see the lot of you, missing the key component here. I also don't mean that sarcastically. I'm glad you all do. But that's the reason you're not seeing what I do. She's already suffering from abandonment issues. It's clear as day. She has come third in everything. Grandma helped out of duty as a grandmother and sister didn't care whether her sister, and her new baby were present at all. We ALL know how long it takes to grow a child, and they had plenty of time to arrange for them to celebrate with Op. Again, They CHOSE not to. D) She's scared. Terrified. The birth was traumatic and all she wants is her mom. She's already seeing that her family didn't care enough to come to her, even before possibly losing her child. She could've lost her child. Her family hasn't really shown up for her at all. And a lot of you sit here, telling her she needs to grow up? How would you like being told you need to grow up, after nearly losing your baby, dealing with a serious mental issue, and possibly not having as much support from her husband, because you know, he's battling his own fear. He almost lost a child too. Not all dad's get paternity leave, so on top of that he has work. I have felt and still continue to feel what op does towards her family. You can't expect every detail to be in this post of her childhood. But just by the family's actions alone, I'd say her feelings were proven long ago. I love everyone, but I'm very disappointed in this thread.
She’s been helping you, she doesn’t need to stay with you. From a middle child with some mcs. You’re being selfish, you have your husband. You guys will have to learn to take care of your kid. YTA and you clearly are jealous of your sister.
New borns are scary,especially when it's your first child and multiply that even more when your baby is a premi. But,never emotionally black mail anyone - ever. It damages relationships and this is an important one. You can do this.
I feel like folks are being really harsh on this woman for feeling like this. You don't just make this kind of thing up, if she feels like an afterthought to her mother it's because in the family dynamic she was made to feel that way. As a woman with a sister that lives 4 1/2 hours away, if my sister had a baby and couldn't travel I would bring Christmas to her, not take the entire family out of her reach to come to my place. Like I get she can't force her feelings and expectations upon her mother and family, but i feel like the family isn't giving her any thought or consideration either. Like be a family and find a way for EVERYONE to be included!
We're dealing with a milder version of this with my sister right now. My niece is 2 months old and my mother and I are wearing ourselves pretty thin trying to support. I'm trying to set firmer boundaries, as it's had a significant impact on my ability to tend to my own priorities. My sister doesn't seem to understand that she can't expect to always be well rested and have ample time to relax and do what she needs to do while the rest of us hang on by a thread. She's struggling with PPD, so it's complicated. Tough situation. OP is stressed out and scared and doesn't have a healthy perspective on things right now.
Its called negative thinking traps and I go to therapy and learned this through my daughter's therapist 😊 we all have our own therapist and it helps tremendously ❤
Regardless, OP may be right & she is an afterthought usually for her own Mom & her sisters… unfortunately, it may be a fact she has to accept & get on with learning how to move through life without much help from her family of origin. She & her husband can pull together & be ‘us against the world’ kind of strong. She can call on her MIL, too & if need be, she can hire some help. She actually may not be able to put her full weight upon those familia relationships. Sad, but also, very overcome-able.
Middle child syndrome is a real thing. It doesn't happen simply from being a middle child but from family dynamics/ how parents bond etc so not every middle child has it. For example, my parents never said I love you to me as a child but my mother did say it to my siblings often. It seems very simple but took me a long time to work though that. That being said I agree that's for her to work on and not let it burden her future. She's got a kid now and needs to leave some baggage behind it risk passing it on to her own child.
Yep, O.P. would definitely be ta for insisting that her mom stays and misses Christmas with family. I had 3 babies with zero help with family - baby 3 was 5 weeks premature. You get through it, and it's not anyone else's responsibility to stay and help. O.P. had help in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and that should be enough without guilting mom over it. Be grateful for the help you had.
I get it, but like, why can't the sister and her husband bring the nephews and visit the parents for a change? If that were one of my SIL's who had just had a baby, I would travel their way to see them. It seems like an easy solution: the family support is within reach, but not necessarily on top of OP, so OP and her husband have less stress and will still be included, and the family all get to celebrate baby's first Christmas together. Sure, OP might be TA but this is a really simple thing to accommodate for and I'm sure one holiday done in reverse won't kill anyone?
I feel like I'm going insane. This has such an obvious solution. They would've known months in advance that she was pregnant too, so they had plenty of time to sort themselves out to go and see OP and her newborn for the holidays. The fact that that isn't what's happening suggests that there's a grain of truth to what OP is saying about not feeling supported. Idk, it could be resonating differently with me because I am currently in therapy to deal with childhood neglect that has continued into adulthood but it genuinely sounds like OP's family didn't plan and won't plan to include OP and her new family.
@@arrowbliss2515especially if the sister can afford to board everyone in San Francisco, why couldn't they have switched the location? I believe op isn't the ah. I'm actually disappointed with the comment section. Also kind of disappointed with Candy's view point.
@Gabitronia Exactly! I'm so glad I'm not alone in thinking this, I was genuinely staring to think that maybe I was wrong. But they've had so long to plan the holidays with OP in mind and haven't. You're so right about Candy's point being disappointing.
@@arrowbliss2515 nope. They really didn't comprehend this one. That upsets me. I normally like their different view points, but the whole thing was obvious, and they definitely missed the mark
If the thought of being alone with your husband and child is THAT terrifying, you are clearly not ready to be a mom. Deeds done though, so OP needs to suck it up and grow up. This is her child, not her mother's. Ridiculous how many new parents feel they need weeks or months of so-called help for this. If you truly believe that, parenting shouldn't even be on your plate yet.
OP doesn't understand that her mom probably finds value and joy in spending time with her children and grandchildren for the holidays that isn't her just wanting to go to a trendy neighborhood and she likely enjoys spending time with her grandkids and doesn't see it as "watching them"until dinner is ready. It comes off as a little narcissist that OP doesn't care about her sister or nephews so she doesn't understand why her mom does, but expects that caring for herself.
OP seems to think her mother can only make a decision for the benefit of one of her children. What if her mother is just prioritizing herself and going to the big family Christmas because she wants to go and not to make OP's sister happy.
Im due dec. 27th im hoping baby makes her show today 😅 or after Christmas so we can do Christmas at home with my 6yr old. BUT I've never had a good relationship with my mom if I did I still would never expect my mom to miss Christmas with other families to help me out. She already had her time with my sister and I. Now it's my turn to take care of my babies. If she didn't have her husband around then I'd understand needing the extra help but he is there it's their job. 🎶 It's the final countdown 🎶 for me (that's his ringtone when I call so he knows it's time 😂) and I still doing what I have to do to care for my family. Thankful my man has been going above and beyond for our family
I had an 8 week premature baby that spent a month in the NICU before she came home. During the first week, they visited as much as they could in the NICU, but it was in another town so it was rough. When she finally came home, I was scared, even though I had one child already, because she was SO tiny. But I didn't have any regular help during the week when our parents were working. I was scared but it was fine. You just need to have faith in yourself. They're only gonna be gone for 4 days. They'll be back. And you'll be fine on your own with your husband. I also feel they NEED this time away from you because you sound like you need way too much attention from your mom. You're a grown woman with your own child now. Act like it. You chose to have this child, not your mom. She raised hers. Now raise yours. And while I know hormones make you silly, try not to let them get the best of you. Your mom obviously loves you or you wouldn't feel the need to rely on her so heavily. You should talk to your doctor about PPD.
Middle child syndrome? Speaking on behalf of my late middle child sister, our mother was in the hospital and DIED the day after she had her first baby! The oldest of us was 30 the youngest only 5. Be thankful you still have a mother to be jealous of giving attention to another sibling. We'd have taken our mother anywhere she wanted to go if she'd lived!
As an outside looker. Did she expect the month because her sister got a month when she had her children? I agree they could have Christmas at mom's, but maybe things were paid that couldn't be refunded. So let mom go. Have your Christmas with your new family. And look at that baby with joy and deal with postpartum emotions.
You had a baby. Congratulations. Let everyone go. Don’t ruin Christmas for everyone. FaceTime them. Don’t be selfish. Ps:Stop being the middle child. You are a grown woman with a baby. Take care of it with your husband as your support system.
OP is definitely the AH. They are entitled to have a life besides just supporting OP. I get OP waning family with her, but it's selfish of her to insist her Mom give up her holiday
This is selfish and entitled af even if she has some mental problems. Her mum came, her mum helped, I would guess she would be doing it again after Christmas. It's FOUR days for OP to find another support if needed. What's about hubby? MiL? Friends!? And to try to forclose the other grandchildren of seeing granny on Christmas just because OP thinks she has to be the most important person ATM is awful
Op may have PTSD from the birth, depending on how rough it was, and definitely needs to be evaluated for PPD. I feel for her but insisting Mom stay is not the way.
Sis, get yourself together. Take a shower, eat something nutritious and rast with your baby. Let hubs step up and let your mom breathe. Mom of 4 here, you absolutely can do this, but take care of yourself and let hubs adjust too. But don't make demands of your mom especially when there's other babies too. Be grateful somebody helped. My grandma always said, count your blessings. And I think that'll help you too.
I agree that OP definitely needs therapy, and I’ve never had a kid, so I flat out admit Candy’s opinion counts for much more than mine. But I think Grandma is on the scale too if this is missing baby’s first Christmas. Obviously baby won’t remember, but mom definitely will. My question is if big sis is so well off to the point where she can provide a hotel for everybody, why doesn’t she come to visit along with nephews? I also recognize that either way, the trip is only for four days, but is this her first baby? Again, never had a kid, but I would imagine that PPD when it’s your first child (or fifth child, I suppose that wouldn’t matter, especially for a premie) is a big deal. again, I absolutely agree that OP should look into getting some therapy, but I am leaning a bit more toward ESH.
I bet the mum can’t wait to get away from her limpet daughter and go spend time with her actual grown chidren. Has OP even considered the possibility that her mum is happy that her child rearing days are behind her? That she’s enjoying being a grandma that gets to visit her grandchildren and then enjoy leaving them with their actual parents? OP sounds entitled AF! Edit for spelling mistake 😁
You actually sound like the ah right here. Is calling her names necessary? Is saying that her mother can't wait to get away from her really necessary? I really hope you don't go through something traumatic and spoken to in the way you just did.
@@Gabitronia I have, like most people, been through traumatic times. Never have I insisted that my loved ones sacrifice their own happiness because I don’t want to be an adult. Op is pathetic. And she’s a mother. Not a good combination. Who would enjoy spending any time with such a person? I stand by my comment.
@@user-blob not the point because it's not about being an adult. It's about needing the support. It's clear her family knew the baby was coming and chose not to make sure she was included. They're obviously well off enough to afford hotel rooms for the entire family, in one of the most expensive economies in the states; yet they decided the trip wasn't worth it to be there for their family. She could have lost her child, and that's weighing heavily on both mom and dad. So no, it's not about growing up. It's about needing support and not having it. They both need support to get through the fear, and the family said "whatever".
@ Since when does someone having a baby mean everyone around them has to uproot their lives? Op insisted on parenthood yet is refusing to step into the role. Her mother has been a great support yet it’s not enough for her. How long must this grandmother put her own life on hold? Sounds to me like OP has decided to not be a true parent and instead have others do it for her. Good for grandma for not allowing this to happen.
@user-blob It's literally barely been a month and mom's take longer than that to recover. Maybe you don't understand, because your traumatic experiences don't align; but mine absolutely do. It's not uprooting anyone's lives. No one is asking anyone to move anywhere. It's one fucking year closer to a postpartum family member. It's someone in a frail state needing emotional support, because she can't be that for herself. They both almost lost their child. I can't imagine their heads are anywhere near clear. I hope your children will never need you like this one day, because I honestly doubt you'd be there for them. You'd just tell them to grow up and move on. Very loving. 👏
Well, the middle-child syndrome is in full effect. But yes, OP, YTA. You had a baby. That child is your responsibility. You should be able to handle 4 days. As a middle-child mom who had an emergency c-section with a child that stayed in the NICU for a month... YTA. You're jealous of your sister. You're emotional because you're postpartum. If you can't handle these emotions on your own or with your partner, please seek out a therapist. At some point, you now need to be the adult and deal with those emotions.
Esh… as someone who has the only grandkids in my family one 16 one 3 months old… your family sucks. You suck too and ppd sucks. My little sister tried to get custody of my oldest and has tantrums for not having my second w her 24/7 but you gotta set boundaries. If your mom doesn’t wanna help say ok, but if you’re gonna be missing the firsts then I’m setting boundary of you can get updated when I give them to everyone and not invited to things we do. My mother missed my eldest first everything and is pissed I had a second kid and that I have boundaries. Btw husband better be support for you for everything or he can go away too. PPD you need to talk to Dr about and be medicated for possibly. I had depression before n ppd has kicked my ass this time so I’m medicated too
Insisting the husband stays is what she Should do, it's His baby and BOTH parents should stay, sounded like he was still going to go (which is an A hole move if he is) Even not premature babies can have health complications and send new parents into a panic, like I've heard of babies just suddenly not breathing
@@Lyndonkass She didn't say he was leaving. Her mom, dad and sister were leaving. Her mom even said something about OP and her husband being able to handle things when they were gone. So he is definitely staying.
WoW! OP is def the AH. I had my first baby 2 1/2 mos premature. Delt with the hospital, icu etc by ourselves. We were out of state and no family ever came down to help when baby came home. Grow up
6:51 Your mother LIVES by you. How are you the disadvantaged sibling? You aren’t. Honestly, you just seem spoiled and jealous of your sister’s life. You should only have a child if you’re prepared for the possibility of caring for it alone or with the worst circumstances you can imagine.
This is ridiculous! You don’t need a live in nanny and housekeeper. I’m sure you and your husband are capable adults and can watch your own child for 4 days. Millions of women don’t have that much support. If you are desperate hire someone from an agency.
OP needs to ween off of family support and start being a mom. It's scary, and stressful, but it's not impossible for her. She can do this.
It takes a village to raise a kid, but that village needs time to themselves so they can be their very best. Let your family take time to unwind!
Mom of a 6wk premie baby here. I get her fears. But she’s turning her fears into perceived intentions. I remember there was a day after my baby was discharged from the NICU that I had to be alone with her all day so my spouse, my parents, and anyone they could gather could try to get our house painted before we could go back to our home (renovations were scheduled with her due date in mind and a premature birth threw a major wrench in everything!). I was terrified! My whole support system would be an hour and a half away, I was alone with my baby for the first time, and I was so afraid that something bad would happen. But what I didn’t do was decide that everyone was abandoning me. I didn’t assume that no one cared about me or my daughter because not one person stayed behind with me. That would be delulu.
In my experience so far, parenting is steeped in fear. The fear changes as the kid grows, but there’s always a little fear. OP is going to have to learn to process and address the fear instead of projecting it onto everyone else.
Also, I get the sense from OP that if one of her other sisters had a baby around the time that her mom was expected to be spending time with OPs kiddo when she doesn’t see them much and mom chose to cancel her plans to stay with sis and new baby, OP would take offense in the same way she is now.
As much as I agree, I also wonder why the rest of the family didn't think about having Christmas, just for this year, closer to the family member that CAN'T travel. I think it's a bit rough that this new mum is not even being given the chance to be around her family for Christmas. 🤷♀️
I was looking for someone to say this. This is the only thing that makes me feel like she might have at least a little bit of a reason to why she feels neglected. From what we heard there's no reason that SF sister and fam couldn't come in for one year, especially since she's the only one who's far away.
@shelbycharney665 Exactly, she has 2 kids that, from the information we have, are more than capable of travelling. If they all want to be together so bad, then why aren't they coming to the person who can't, and should be, travelling right now?
I think her feelings are completely valid here, but focusing on the wrong trigger. I feel she's gone through a lifetime of coming off second best to her siblings, which is a feeling I can wholeheartedly relate to, and now that it's a time where they would all usually be together as a family and she is going to be left behind she's mixing up her childhood trauma with the very real feeling of loneliness at Christmas time.
I actually feel sorry for this poor girl. She's gone through, what I can only assume was hell, these last couple of weeks and just when she needs her village the most not one of them have seemed to think about whether she would like to have Christmas, her baby's first christmas at that, with her family. And it's kind of obvious she was never thought of because if Baby was due at the end of December, she probably shouldn't have been travelling regardless.
@adelemaidment756 yeah that's the other thing. I had my first right before Halloween and still no one in my family wanted us traveling for the holidays. I can't imagine having a premie and being expected to travel or to be excluded otherwise. Just super weird behavior for this family
@@adelemaidment756 , this all possible, but unless mom spent a month with other sister's kids, when they were born, which isn't mention and I'm sure would be, had it happened. It kinda points to the mom doing to her best with 3 daughters to raise and make feel loved equally, which is very hard to do depending on perception. I'm a middle child too and my older and younger brothers defiantly get more attention than me, but I also know and understand why that is now in my 40's and after dealing with balancing my attention with my nieces and nephews. And for the longest time, my oldest niece didn't understand why we give her younger cousins so much attention and stuff. Once she got older and understood that were actually living in poverty, she saw things differently.
We don't know when the tickets were booked or what the sister has going on in her life to why she can't travel to them.
Not everything can revolve around OP. It’s time she understood that.
OP needs to get a grip and seek therapy. Mom isn't choosing one sister over another. She's visiting her grandkids. She'll be back in a couple days.
I’m hoping this is just her post-partum hormones talking and she’ll realize how unreasonable she was being in a few weeks/months
She would be the AH if she did this but also if my sister has just had a premie baby I as a sister would want to offer help to the sister who wasn’t able to be there for Christmas. I think I would feel actively uncomfortable leaving my sister out knowing especially knowing she had just gone through something traumatic.
OP definitely seems hormonal but also..she was due around Christmas? I’m surprised the family didn’t pivot their plans for this one year so they could all be close by for the baby on its first holiday. That’s at least what my family would do
Ummm the 1st line... My HUSBAND and I... yes tah!!! You have a husband. Wth 🤦🏾♀️ Your mom can go enjoy her holiday!
I like Candy's tough love approach on this one!
Blunt Tough Love Ahead:
I'm honestly disappointed with the comments on this one. The lack of compassion and the presence of minor ignorance, is astounding.
A) The family had plenty of time to reroute holiday plans, to include an immediate family member that physically can not travel. If the sister can afford hotel rooms for everyone, in one of the most expensive economies of the world, then she could've definitely made it happen.
B) It's not about growing up. It's about her very real feelings, of her family not giving a shit about her and her baby; as they had months to include them in their plans and they CHOSE not to. It's ops baby's first Christmas and her first Christmas as a mother. Her family showed her that they could care less, about whether they were there or not.
C) The above proves that Op has validated feelings about how her family treats her. As someone who's mom can be helpful but she's emotionally closed off, I feel Ops pain. My mom helped a lot the first week, now it's crickets. She doesn't reach out and when I do, it's a brief interaction. Shes seen her a handful of times, and it's been three years. I'm glad all of you have loving families, as that's the only way I can see the lot of you, missing the key component here. I also don't mean that sarcastically. I'm glad you all do. But that's the reason you're not seeing what I do.
She's already suffering from abandonment issues. It's clear as day. She has come third in everything. Grandma helped out of duty as a grandmother and sister didn't care whether her sister, and her new baby were present at all. We ALL know how long it takes to grow a child, and they had plenty of time to arrange for them to celebrate with Op. Again, They CHOSE not to.
D) She's scared. Terrified. The birth was traumatic and all she wants is her mom. She's already seeing that her family didn't care enough to come to her, even before possibly losing her child. She could've lost her child. Her family hasn't really shown up for her at all.
And a lot of you sit here, telling her she needs to grow up? How would you like being told you need to grow up, after nearly losing your baby, dealing with a serious mental issue, and possibly not having as much support from her husband, because you know, he's battling his own fear. He almost lost a child too. Not all dad's get paternity leave, so on top of that he has work. I have felt and still continue to feel what op does towards her family. You can't expect every detail to be in this post of her childhood. But just by the family's actions alone, I'd say her feelings were proven long ago.
I love everyone, but I'm very disappointed in this thread.
She’s been helping you, she doesn’t need to stay with you. From a middle child with some mcs. You’re being selfish, you have your husband. You guys will have to learn to take care of your kid. YTA and you clearly are jealous of your sister.
NTA for feeling the feelings. Absolutely TA if she expeesses them, especially in the way she wrote it here!
OP has to start being a mother herself at some point and stop relying on her mother so much
Where is the husband's mom and / or family in all of this. Have they offered to help
New borns are scary,especially when it's your first child and multiply that even more when your baby is a premi. But,never emotionally black mail anyone - ever. It damages relationships and this is an important one. You can do this.
I feel like folks are being really harsh on this woman for feeling like this. You don't just make this kind of thing up, if she feels like an afterthought to her mother it's because in the family dynamic she was made to feel that way. As a woman with a sister that lives 4 1/2 hours away, if my sister had a baby and couldn't travel I would bring Christmas to her, not take the entire family out of her reach to come to my place. Like I get she can't force her feelings and expectations upon her mother and family, but i feel like the family isn't giving her any thought or consideration either. Like be a family and find a way for EVERYONE to be included!
Mom has been helping her a lot though and demanding she stay home isn't fair
We're dealing with a milder version of this with my sister right now. My niece is 2 months old and my mother and I are wearing ourselves pretty thin trying to support. I'm trying to set firmer boundaries, as it's had a significant impact on my ability to tend to my own priorities. My sister doesn't seem to understand that she can't expect to always be well rested and have ample time to relax and do what she needs to do while the rest of us hang on by a thread. She's struggling with PPD, so it's complicated. Tough situation. OP is stressed out and scared and doesn't have a healthy perspective on things right now.
Its called negative thinking traps and I go to therapy and learned this through my daughter's therapist 😊 we all have our own therapist and it helps tremendously ❤
Regardless, OP may be right & she is an afterthought usually for her own Mom & her sisters… unfortunately, it may be a fact she has to accept & get on with learning how to move through life without much help from her family of origin. She & her husband can pull together & be ‘us against the world’ kind of strong. She can call on her MIL, too & if need be, she can hire some help. She actually may not be able to put her full weight upon those familia relationships. Sad, but also, very overcome-able.
Middle child syndrome is a real thing. It doesn't happen simply from being a middle child but from family dynamics/ how parents bond etc so not every middle child has it. For example, my parents never said I love you to me as a child but my mother did say it to my siblings often. It seems very simple but took me a long time to work though that. That being said I agree that's for her to work on and not let it burden her future. She's got a kid now and needs to leave some baggage behind it risk passing it on to her own child.
Yep, O.P. would definitely be ta for insisting that her mom stays and misses Christmas with family. I had 3 babies with zero help with family - baby 3 was 5 weeks premature. You get through it, and it's not anyone else's responsibility to stay and help. O.P. had help in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and that should be enough without guilting mom over it. Be grateful for the help you had.
I get it, but like, why can't the sister and her husband bring the nephews and visit the parents for a change? If that were one of my SIL's who had just had a baby, I would travel their way to see them. It seems like an easy solution: the family support is within reach, but not necessarily on top of OP, so OP and her husband have less stress and will still be included, and the family all get to celebrate baby's first Christmas together. Sure, OP might be TA but this is a really simple thing to accommodate for and I'm sure one holiday done in reverse won't kill anyone?
I feel like I'm going insane. This has such an obvious solution. They would've known months in advance that she was pregnant too, so they had plenty of time to sort themselves out to go and see OP and her newborn for the holidays. The fact that that isn't what's happening suggests that there's a grain of truth to what OP is saying about not feeling supported. Idk, it could be resonating differently with me because I am currently in therapy to deal with childhood neglect that has continued into adulthood but it genuinely sounds like OP's family didn't plan and won't plan to include OP and her new family.
@@arrowbliss2515especially if the sister can afford to board everyone in San Francisco, why couldn't they have switched the location? I believe op isn't the ah. I'm actually disappointed with the comment section. Also kind of disappointed with Candy's view point.
@Gabitronia Exactly! I'm so glad I'm not alone in thinking this, I was genuinely staring to think that maybe I was wrong. But they've had so long to plan the holidays with OP in mind and haven't. You're so right about Candy's point being disappointing.
@@arrowbliss2515 nope. They really didn't comprehend this one. That upsets me. I normally like their different view points, but the whole thing was obvious, and they definitely missed the mark
If the thought of being alone with your husband and child is THAT terrifying, you are clearly not ready to be a mom. Deeds done though, so OP needs to suck it up and grow up. This is her child, not her mother's.
Ridiculous how many new parents feel they need weeks or months of so-called help for this. If you truly believe that, parenting shouldn't even be on your plate yet.
OP doesn't understand that her mom probably finds value and joy in spending time with her children and grandchildren for the holidays that isn't her just wanting to go to a trendy neighborhood and she likely enjoys spending time with her grandkids and doesn't see it as "watching them"until dinner is ready.
It comes off as a little narcissist that OP doesn't care about her sister or nephews so she doesn't understand why her mom does, but expects that caring for herself.
OP had the baby, not her mom. Her responsibility. Not mom’s.
OP seems to think her mother can only make a decision for the benefit of one of her children. What if her mother is just prioritizing herself and going to the big family Christmas because she wants to go and not to make OP's sister happy.
Your daughter’s fine.Time to grow up
Im due dec. 27th im hoping baby makes her show today 😅 or after Christmas so we can do Christmas at home with my 6yr old. BUT I've never had a good relationship with my mom if I did I still would never expect my mom to miss Christmas with other families to help me out. She already had her time with my sister and I. Now it's my turn to take care of my babies. If she didn't have her husband around then I'd understand needing the extra help but he is there it's their job. 🎶 It's the final countdown 🎶 for me (that's his ringtone when I call so he knows it's time 😂) and I still doing what I have to do to care for my family. Thankful my man has been going above and beyond for our family
Honestly I don't want anyone around until her immune system is strong enough to have ppl over. 😅 I need time to heal.
I had an 8 week premature baby that spent a month in the NICU before she came home. During the first week, they visited as much as they could in the NICU, but it was in another town so it was rough. When she finally came home, I was scared, even though I had one child already, because she was SO tiny. But I didn't have any regular help during the week when our parents were working. I was scared but it was fine. You just need to have faith in yourself. They're only gonna be gone for 4 days. They'll be back. And you'll be fine on your own with your husband. I also feel they NEED this time away from you because you sound like you need way too much attention from your mom. You're a grown woman with your own child now. Act like it. You chose to have this child, not your mom. She raised hers. Now raise yours. And while I know hormones make you silly, try not to let them get the best of you. Your mom obviously loves you or you wouldn't feel the need to rely on her so heavily. You should talk to your doctor about PPD.
Middle child syndrome? Speaking on behalf of my late middle child sister, our mother was in the hospital and DIED the day after she had her first baby! The oldest of us was 30 the youngest only 5. Be thankful you still have a mother to be jealous of giving attention to another sibling. We'd have taken our mother anywhere she wanted to go if she'd lived!
As an outside looker. Did she expect the month because her sister got a month when she had her children? I agree they could have Christmas at mom's, but maybe things were paid that couldn't be refunded. So let mom go. Have your Christmas with your new family. And look at that baby with joy and deal with postpartum emotions.
Im with Candy. She needs outside help before it's too late.
You had a baby. Congratulations.
Let everyone go. Don’t ruin Christmas for everyone.
FaceTime them.
Don’t be selfish.
Ps:Stop being the middle child.
You are a grown woman with a baby.
Take care of it with your husband as your support system.
It’s 4 days. Not like 4 weeks. I think between her and her husband, they can survive 4 days.
OP is definitely the AH. They are entitled to have a life besides just supporting OP. I get OP waning family with her, but it's selfish of her to insist her Mom give up her holiday
This is selfish and entitled af even if she has some mental problems. Her mum came, her mum helped, I would guess she would be doing it again after Christmas. It's FOUR days for OP to find another support if needed. What's about hubby? MiL? Friends!?
And to try to forclose the other grandchildren of seeing granny on Christmas just because OP thinks she has to be the most important person ATM is awful
Maybe she can hire a night nurse or a companion to be around for the week.
Op may have PTSD from the birth, depending on how rough it was, and definitely needs to be evaluated for PPD. I feel for her but insisting Mom stay is not the way.
Huh? Get your husband to help you, don’t be selfish.
NAH
Sis, get yourself together. Take a shower, eat something nutritious and rast with your baby. Let hubs step up and let your mom breathe. Mom of 4 here, you absolutely can do this, but take care of yourself and let hubs adjust too. But don't make demands of your mom especially when there's other babies too. Be grateful somebody helped. My grandma always said, count your blessings. And I think that'll help you too.
Damn…time to start adulting, honey. YTA
Where is your husband in all this?
I agree that OP definitely needs therapy, and I’ve never had a kid, so I flat out admit Candy’s opinion counts for much more than mine. But I think Grandma is on the scale too if this is missing baby’s first Christmas. Obviously baby won’t remember, but mom definitely will. My question is if big sis is so well off to the point where she can provide a hotel for everybody, why doesn’t she come to visit along with nephews? I also recognize that either way, the trip is only for four days, but is this her first baby? Again, never had a kid, but I would imagine that PPD when it’s your first child (or fifth child, I suppose that wouldn’t matter, especially for a premie) is a big deal. again, I absolutely agree that OP should look into getting some therapy, but I am leaning a bit more toward ESH.
🖤
What about the husband
Meh. I mean new baby takes priority. Not two older kids. So I can see it
I bet the mum can’t wait to get away from her limpet daughter and go spend time with her actual grown chidren.
Has OP even considered the possibility that her mum is happy that her child rearing days are behind her? That she’s enjoying being a grandma that gets to visit her grandchildren and then enjoy leaving them with their actual parents?
OP sounds entitled AF!
Edit for spelling mistake 😁
You actually sound like the ah right here. Is calling her names necessary? Is saying that her mother can't wait to get away from her really necessary? I really hope you don't go through something traumatic and spoken to in the way you just did.
@@Gabitronia
I have, like most people, been through traumatic times.
Never have I insisted that my loved ones sacrifice their own happiness because I don’t want to be an adult.
Op is pathetic.
And she’s a mother.
Not a good combination.
Who would enjoy spending any time with such a person?
I stand by my comment.
@@user-blob not the point because it's not about being an adult. It's about needing the support. It's clear her family knew the baby was coming and chose not to make sure she was included. They're obviously well off enough to afford hotel rooms for the entire family, in one of the most expensive economies in the states; yet they decided the trip wasn't worth it to be there for their family. She could have lost her child, and that's weighing heavily on both mom and dad. So no, it's not about growing up. It's about needing support and not having it. They both need support to get through the fear, and the family said "whatever".
@
Since when does someone having a baby mean everyone around them has to uproot their lives?
Op insisted on parenthood yet is refusing to step into the role.
Her mother has been a great support yet it’s not enough for her.
How long must this grandmother put her own life on hold?
Sounds to me like OP has decided to not be a true parent and instead have others do it for her.
Good for grandma for not allowing this to happen.
@user-blob It's literally barely been a month and mom's take longer than that to recover. Maybe you don't understand, because your traumatic experiences don't align; but mine absolutely do. It's not uprooting anyone's lives. No one is asking anyone to move anywhere. It's one fucking year closer to a postpartum family member. It's someone in a frail state needing emotional support, because she can't be that for herself. They both almost lost their child. I can't imagine their heads are anywhere near clear. I hope your children will never need you like this one day, because I honestly doubt you'd be there for them. You'd just tell them to grow up and move on. Very loving. 👏
Well, the middle-child syndrome is in full effect. But yes, OP, YTA.
You had a baby. That child is your responsibility. You should be able to handle 4 days. As a middle-child mom who had an emergency c-section with a child that stayed in the NICU for a month... YTA.
You're jealous of your sister. You're emotional because you're postpartum. If you can't handle these emotions on your own or with your partner, please seek out a therapist. At some point, you now need to be the adult and deal with those emotions.
Yes op is the ah learn to take care of the kid and get therapy geez
Esh… as someone who has the only grandkids in my family one 16 one 3 months old… your family sucks. You suck too and ppd sucks. My little sister tried to get custody of my oldest and has tantrums for not having my second w her 24/7 but you gotta set boundaries. If your mom doesn’t wanna help say ok, but if you’re gonna be missing the firsts then I’m setting boundary of you can get updated when I give them to everyone and not invited to things we do. My mother missed my eldest first everything and is pissed I had a second kid and that I have boundaries. Btw husband better be support for you for everything or he can go away too. PPD you need to talk to Dr about and be medicated for possibly. I had depression before n ppd has kicked my ass this time so I’m medicated too
Insisting the husband stays is what she Should do, it's His baby and BOTH parents should stay, sounded like he was still going to go (which is an A hole move if he is)
Even not premature babies can have health complications and send new parents into a panic, like I've heard of babies just suddenly not breathing
Her husband isn't going with them. OP's Mom, Dad and sister are going.
Did I miss something? When did she say the husband was leaving?
@@Lyndonkass She didn't say he was leaving. Her mom, dad and sister were leaving. Her mom even said something about OP and her husband being able to handle things when they were gone. So he is definitely staying.
@@IguanaMom that's what I thought. Wasn't sure if i missed a part or something
WoW! OP is def the AH. I had my first baby 2 1/2 mos premature. Delt with the hospital, icu etc by ourselves. We were out of state and no family ever came down to help when baby came home. Grow up
6:51 Your mother LIVES by you. How are you the disadvantaged sibling? You aren’t. Honestly, you just seem spoiled and jealous of your sister’s life. You should only have a child if you’re prepared for the possibility of caring for it alone or with the worst circumstances you can imagine.
This is ridiculous! You don’t need a live in nanny and housekeeper. I’m sure you and your husband are capable adults and can watch your own child for 4 days. Millions of women don’t have that much support. If you are desperate hire someone from an agency.