Agreed - the balance usually requires a clear understanding of our own boundaries to which we are willing to accommodate the other person, but also being assertive when those boundaries start to get pushed.
Fundamental to any of these tips is to first understand that you're being wronged or mocked. There's a whole population of people out in this big bad world that don't even realise something is up in the first place, to even begin to consider standing up for themselves.
Especially when the individual is "too nice" and not causing a problem, but the person causing a problem drags other people into their clique of problem and want an scapegoat aka the too nice person.
@@stevewilldolt.3511 Ah yes because a fake account created 6 months ago in the comment section of the real account while trying to do a sketchy "call my secretary scam to handle your money." (Edit) looks like it was deleted good thing too.
N: n-verbal questions: a.what are you doing look(eyebrow) b. I see what you're doing here(steady and calm stare) C. Ignoring look at other and ignore question Indirect warning shot: -negative reinforcers: that's an odd question -positive; u know I really appreciate x, cause y has agenda Call-out Don't do this first "Before you start to jump a little bit, u better go to your next question" "I'm sorry i really don't: what are we doing?" Exit situation--> prefer it to be last Separating self as calmly as possible Don't have people emotionally abusing Bye
When facing people who have a goal of sabotaging your reputation, it's two strikes. First misstep gets a warning shot. The second one is rude. You address it, reframe the interaction verbally in your own favor, standing up for yourself and then disengage and exit the interaction with your head high.
I was treated very poorly for years by a group of friends. A few weeks ago I left them for a fresh start. I don't like burning bridges but I couldn't be bothered to waste time to fix my reputation on people that never respected me. I won't apologise for being myself.
@Alex B bad friends is literally no friends. the definition of friend literally demands a benevolent and positive connection. If someone just happens to hang around but constantly cuts you down and depletes you, whether materially, emotionally or otherwise, they aren't a friend, but rather an undercover enemy; a parasite.
With that exit, Robert taught us how to deal with these types of hurtful questions. I've been trying to do the same ever since and I never had to escalate to exit, people just feel uncomfortable and they quit being assholes.
That interviewer was on a clear mission and paid NO attention to the fact that this actor did NOT want to go down that road. I love Robert even more after seeing how many chances he gave him when it was all clear from the beginning. I would have walked out after he ignored:”Are we here to talk about a movie?”
its crazy like these people either went their entire life being children never taught to be pricks or just love being toxic and continue it all the time.
What I liked the most about this video is the examples during the interview! It takes some self-awareness and confidence to get to this level! Also, can’t wait to start my courses by Charisma University!
@@mtnmotoadv that's actually a good idea, he was extremely charismatic. Think about this, this one man managed to convince an entire country of an insane ideology.
Just wanted to give cudos to you for building en entire business on this stuff, I remember when you just did one off videos here and there and you really made something of it, great job mate!
I feel like I could’ve used this video a few weeks ago. I’m not a person who snaps but I ended up raising my voice in a situation that shouldn’t have needed it.
@Yesmean Especially at work. If I don't like the direction of a conversation, I set my voice half an octave above anyone else in the room and bring up something perpendicular, "Where is so and so", "Who is ordering lunch", "I might need to duck out of this meeting early to take a call", "Can we all get copies of this handout", "Does anyone know where the thermostat is" 😅
Be careful not to demand respect when you have offered none. Be careful to not misinterpret proper correction from someone with proper authority over you as them being “disrespectful” (parent or teacher or colleague or boss). Demanding respect only works when you are completely innocent and in the right - not also in the wrong or giving or causing offense to the other. People will mess things up royally because they refuse to listen to extremely simple and clear instructions and then demand respect when being corrected for obvious mistakes they have made. That is not the time to demand respect. Respect will be given when earned.
You contradicted yourself. You wrote, "... when you have offered none." Then, at the end, you wrote typical rhetoric of "respect is earned." You were correct at first. Yes, you should offer respect because it isn't something one "earns." It is naturally offered when one respects one's self in the first place. A fine example of how that old "respect is earned" nonsense falls flat is in the old misogynistic belief that women are not deserving of respect based on what they wear. I have yet to hear anyone own their words when they say, "if a woman dresses like that then why should I respect her?" Not one of them can explain 'how' they do not "respect" women based on their clothing. What they (and it is usually men) mean is, "I will use a woman's body as an object and proclaim to the world that she doesn't 'respect herself.'" In those cases, it is impossible for women to earn respect at all because respect for others isn't based on what anyone wears. It is based on respect for another's humanity. Men, on the other hand are free to play the "respect is earned" game because even if one of them is dressed like a hobo, his actions are what are being judged, not his appearance. Ironically, it is the man in the suit and tie who is usually least deserving of respect, but most people don't want to consider that reality. Men can hide behind a facade of respectability, even when they are the ones who are predators actively making sure women never get respect based on what they wear. Also, as in your case, most people do not understand what the word "respect" means. You can't "earn it" if you aren't given the chance because others have decided your clothing has anything to do with whether or not you deserve it.
@@rtphotos4691 TLDR - I don't know what "respect is earned" means to you, but for me, respect is "earned" by simply offering it at first to others. Not a contradiction, just a re-statement in different terms.
How does one know if they should respect someone until they see how they act? Just because someone is higher up in the chain does not mean that they necessarily deserve respect. It's necessary to test the boundaries and rules to see if they're actually someone you should trust with your life. That is what's happening. When you yield a decision to someone else to make, you're saying "I believe that you know how to do this in a way that is more beneficial to me than the way I would choose to do it." That can't be given to everyone. Respect is given where earned yes, but you have to disrespect at first in order to see if someone is worth respect. It's paradoxical. At some point you will become the worst version of yourself, the one you make fun of others for being.
Same. My confidence and resources increase with age. It's easier to remove myself from these situations than for example in high school from a bad teacher I'd be seing for the rest of the year or a boss in a job I'd really need. With more alternatives can stick up for myself more
it probably has a lot less to do with age than it does repetition. the more social exchanges we have, the more familiar we become with the dance. unfortunately, it's just as easy to deeply entrench maladaptive behaviors and end up actually getting worse at handling stressful encounters over time.
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I’ve been on both ends of this scenario. Sometimes you try to tell someone they’re doing something wrong but it comes out like belittling. I use to be made fun a lot in school and at home, so I developed the bad habit of just be mean before they’re mean to you. It’s definitely something I’m working on
I appreciate being corrected. It can be scary, though, being corrected in a way that feels like a personal attack when it really isn't. Do you have tips for what to/not to do when you NEED to correct someone but they are sensitive to genuine criticisms?
I accidentally went off on this one girl at work one day cause she talks in a belittling tone. I don’t think it was intentional and I wish I had this video before I done that.
I loved that interview with Russell Brand. He is a master and you can see the distress in the eyes of the tv hosts like they are about to lose the interview.
Too bad I didn't hear this years ago, I could have really used these tips! There were a couple of times that I should have walked out not because of pride but because I knew it's not right to treat someone like that.
Charlie (and Ben), I never comment on YT videos but I just wanted to say two things, one, in a world of pick up artists and misogynists looking to make a buck off the insecurities of young impressionable men, thank you for teaching our young men to value character and sincerity over all else. the lessons that you teach is invaluable and i hope you know that. we need more men like you in the world. two, i have been watching your channel for years and i rarely see breakdowns of female characters / public figures. now, I understand why you primarily do breakdowns of males given your gender and i assume your audiences’ as well, but featuring more see more female faces on this channel would be beneficial to the growth of this channel. now, whether it’s you guys doing the breakdown or another (female) face is your call but i would love to see more of that. not to mention, even from a business POV i think you guys can breakthrough a far wider audience with this move especially concidering you are one of the few channels of this sort that don’t turn off women bc of the pick up artisty vibe. regards, - a member of your female audience
3:18 Let's say the person being rude responds with "Oh, well why is that an odd question?" in a condescending way. What would you do then? If I had to guess, I would say you exit at that point, but I'm not sure.
That is definitely a strategy you can move to, another is to respond in some fashion like, "It's an odd questions because I'm not sure what you are getting at, what is the purpose of that question." The other person could be naïve or not have great social skills or understanding in different circumstances. Depends on how much "benefit of the doubt" you want to give. Giving them a chance to reason out their question is another way to approach it. I'd say both, and other ways, are acceptable from my view.
Then you say, "are there any intelligent lifeforms here"! A polite way of knocking them off of their high horse! Never accept or tolerate condescension and never lose your composure!!!
You just have to say that it’s an odd question to you and you’re not here to debate whether it is or it isn’t,, now have you a question on the topic please?
If they do that then you call them out. All they’ve done is hurry to the next stage. If that’s their attitude then get ready to exit because you’re probably dealing with a very rigid, unreasonable and arrogant person.
Well explained method. Makes sense. Setting boundaries is important to develop self-confidence and self-esteem. And you can't go too far in your journey of self-development if you can tell people where the limits are. I saw this interview with Robert Downey JR before, and he knows who he is, what is up to, and how to manage the situation well. It's not without reason he plays the Iron Man really well.
Would be really useful to have tips for when dealing with people over the phone, especially at the moment with so much less face to face contact and ways to get non verbal communication over!
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i do the exact same steps but the last step for me isn’t leave but knock some sense into them. Helps a lot when you have trained mma for 4 years, My dad has always told me since i have been little “Walk softly but carry a big stick”
@@cangryang3609 sorry boss i was probably just having a bad day but i can assure y’a i dont start fights in only end them but i’m sure there’s videos of me getting ko’ed out there somewhere 😂
This is really important. You have to be willing to leave any situation, if it is hostile to you - even if you stand to gain from staying, or lose a lot by leaving, it is very important to remember that this option needs to be on the table - when it is not, that's either because you're being restrained and physically forced or coerced into that situation (which, there is not neccesarily something you can do if you are in a bad situation, whether enslaved, kidnapped, or dependent, and that is a different topic), or because your fears of leaving are inappropriatly keeping you in a situation where the truthes of staying are worse than the consequences of leaving and starting a new. Getting out is not always the answer, but it often is, and that is extremely important to drill into people, especially young, impressionable people, that they can have choice in their life, and that is so powerful.
Easier said than done! Sometimes it takes a lifetime to learn how to set boundaries in calm and determined manner. It depends so much on your upbringing. If you are raised to be a people pleaser it's terribly difficult to get rid of old patterns. Eckhart Tolle helped me a lot by explaining how to handle the 'pain body '. The conditioned self as a result of one's upbringing.
Would you consider doing a version of this for email or social media? I feel like people are so much more passive-aggressive when they can't see the person they're talking to
Oh wow I've been doing it all wrong, apparently though I have no desire to change hahaha. When dragged into conflict, I tend to brazenly insult the one unfortunate enough to engage me in conflict. For example, when my husband's sister tried to convince him not to go after custody of his daughter because he's made mistakes in the past, I interjected and asked if she should not be allowed to live with her mom because of HER past mistakes (and said some of them out loud)...and incidentally because it was over the phone, it caused their mom to expose herself as being present in the room for the conversation after his sister said previously that she wasn't there. It was not appreciated and I do believe it made them not want to have that conversation with him ever again.
@@MasterTalks Well I'm touched by how nice your comment is. I admit I'm a bit jealous at how masterfully Jon Stewart handles the opposition when he argues but I'm definitely touchy when it comes to defending my stance especially when it comes to those I love.
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I wish you could do some videos on “Ted Lasso” tv show. I think it is one of the best tv shows recently that explores themes of leadership and communication in workplace and life in general. Thanks for you work!
Really helpful video! I really appreciate how you’ve taken the time to break everything down and make an easy to remember acronym. Your previous video that you mentioned helped me a lot at work where coworkers or guests (we call customers guests) would be passive aggressive. The only bit of criticism I have, that may be nitpicky or trivial, would be the use of positive and negative reinforcement. Positive reinforcement would be adding a stimulus to increase/maintain behavior and negative reinforcement is removing a stimulus to increase/maintain behavior. So in the example of using non verbal cues you’re introducing stimulus to discourage behavior which would be a positive punishment. And in ignoring someone you’re removing stimulus to discourage behavior which would be a negative punishment. Really great work otherwise and I look forward to your videos in the future! My best.
Another benefit of the UBI. You always have an exit strategy. A fundamental thing that could change soooo much. But i bet it is also one of the reason people are afraid of it.
Love this video! One of my favorite things about the last two decades in the 21st century is this shift toward the expectation of treating every individual with respect regardless. And how you have to respect yourself first. "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else!" - RuPaul
This has happened to me recently (though not in these words): I said something, someone misrepresented what I said, and then... Me: That's not what I meant. Other person: Yes it is.
I would say, exit at your own pace. Someone tried to dismiss me at a dinner table once. I chose my time which was about 20 minutes later at the end of the main course. I stood up when she started mouthing off, apologised to the other guests for needing to leave and departed with grace. She, on the other hand, was disgraced. The table disbanded shortly afterwards and I was lucky enough to end up on a wonderful table and away from the abusive person.
I've been watching so many of these, feeling like I'm learning to be a normal person, but quarantine doesn't let me use what I learned from these videos.
Since you did a re-edit of one of your old videos, can you please do the one about “how to be the coolest guy in the room” with better explanation including the Sarcasm.
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How to stand up for yourself - Virtually: 1) N: Nonverbal - Put hand up to webcam 2) I: Indirect warning - Type into the chat and share a brief thought 3) C: Call out - Unmute yourself, look directly into the camera, be bold and say your piece 4) E: Exit - Sit back, breathe and listen or Click the X on the top right 😂
I was at the barber and he said something about my weight, he wasn’t rude but it was just uncomfortable so I kinda just squinted and he got the signal. So helpful video
Downey's. Interviewer seemed quite clueless even to the end. As his boss I'd have offered him 100hrs of rehab social skills in a kindergarten class or resign. These days maintaining self control is less of an issue than having any in the first place. Hats off to Mr. Downey. I would have walked a bit sooner.
N: Non-verbal, warn them to stop I: Indirect-verbal, warn them what this is about C: Call them out, tell them the consequences E: Exit out/Walk away from them S: Strength E: Energy E: Esteem R: Respect
I had a big issue with this recently where I was traveling alone with a baby and was being treated very rudely by a airline employee but I was worried that if I started tondefend myself that I would be delayed and possibly miss my flight or I would be removed from a flight because I was "causing problems" which has happened to people I know. (And it was not mask related but they were simply standing up for themselves against rude employees.) I couldn't risk being stranded with a baby and I just didn't have the confidence in the moment to speak up.
I am sorry that you had to go through that. I think in most situations, you can exert certain level of assertiveness without being confrontative, but I think a much bigger skillset is being able to pick your battles by keeping your focus on what matters more to you in that moment. Sounds like that's what you did in that moment, and even if it doesn't feel like you "stood up for yourself" at that time, I think there's some wisdom to how you chose to handle the situation.
I feel a little grief, but I have to face those with no fear. Thank you Charisma on Command. This is a good advice. 😄🖐 I am your new subscriber by the way. 😄🖐
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Love this video, and hopefully, but for whoever needs to read this, just want to mention that conflict resolution in a relationship is a very different game. There you and your partner are not on opposite teams, but rather the same team, even if it doesn't feel like that in the heat of the moment. I just posted a video on how to resolve conflict in a relationship earlier this morning, so check that if that's of interest to you.
Great video! Love your stuff and I've been subscribed for a few years now. However, I want to point out at 2:03 this isn't negative reinforcement, as reinforcement promotes behavior. The commonality you're looking for is "punishment".
I thought that, too, at first, but I think he meant to emphasize with this that the reinforcement is negative. So basically “minus enforcement“, which would be the opposite of enforcement
@@hello70304 So, negative reinforcement is a removal of unpleasant stimuli for a behavior, promoting it. While what's he's saying to a layman sounds right it's still incorrect. I think "punishing" would've been a better way of saying it but I'm straight-up nitpicking haha.
@@thesneakingninja1 ok, I see. I didn’t know we were speaking psychological scientific termini. You’re completely right. "In negative reinforcement, a response or behavior is strengthened by stopping, removing, or avoiding a negative outcome or aversive stimulus." (verywellmind.com)
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Recently did this with someone who was rudely ignoring me for a yet unknown reason. Wished them a Merry Christmas, got nothing, gave them a confused look. Asked them later what they got or gave that was their favorite, still got the silent treatment. Called them out quietly and privately that it's rude to ignore someone and not tell them why, and if they want to talk then my ear is open. They wound up apologizing a week later. Still never said what it was.
Maybe there socially awkward? Kinda weird you would keep forcing someone to interact with you, some people just wanna be left alone. Kinda seems like your the rude one for being confrontational.
They didn't hear you. They are deaf. They were focused. A million reasons. That's an odd thing to be pressed over. I get it a little bit, but not totally.
Great and informative video! I usually laugh off behaviour like this, but I might try NICE if I actually find myself getting upset by what others are trying to do.
It’s always a tricky thing to do, balancing kindness while not being taken advantage of.
It's a skill we all need
Yeah, so hard to do! We all need a reminder whether sometimes we are too nice or not being too bold.
Agreed - the balance usually requires a clear understanding of our own boundaries to which we are willing to accommodate the other person, but also being assertive when those boundaries start to get pushed.
It's not kind to pick someone up by their throat like Thor?
Huh. TIL
💯
Fundamental to any of these tips is to first understand that you're being wronged or mocked. There's a whole population of people out in this big bad world that don't even realise something is up in the first place, to even begin to consider standing up for themselves.
Especially when the individual is "too nice" and not causing a problem, but the person causing a problem drags other people into their clique of problem and want an scapegoat aka the too nice person.
Nice point made...but it’s ‘scapegoat’ not ‘escape goat’
Also a lot of people who think they're being wronged when they're not
Very true. What we call confident people are sometimes just those who prey on the weak and naive.
How do you really know, though?
N: Nonverbally warn them to stop
I: Indirect warning shot
C: Callout
E: Exit the situation
@@stevewilldolt.3511 Ah yes because a fake account created 6 months ago in the comment section of the real account while trying to do a sketchy "call my secretary scam to handle your money."
(Edit) looks like it was deleted good thing too.
I was expecting the E to be "explode" since all other methods had failed hahaha
I guess I can be a loose cannon from time to time hahaha
N: n-verbal questions:
a.what are you doing look(eyebrow)
b. I see what you're doing here(steady and calm stare)
C. Ignoring look at other and ignore question
Indirect warning shot:
-negative reinforcers: that's an odd question
-positive; u know I really appreciate x, cause y has agenda
Call-out
Don't do this first
"Before you start to jump a little bit, u better go to your next question"
"I'm sorry i really don't: what are we doing?"
Exit situation--> prefer it to be last
Separating self as calmly as possible
Don't have people emotionally abusing
Bye
Nice like
D denial
E even
N no
I I
A am
L Lying
K: kick in the b*llocks.
No matter how hard it may be, you must learn to stand up for yourself
What if your a normal guy and the one bothering you is a loud mouth ex con?
I agree completely & hope one day my friend Mike Tyson learns to quit being such a nice guy that he is easily taken advantage of ..........
@@ANARCHY.050 you become a demon, then after that you return normal.
Settle that snail poo. They don't mean much
Communicate boundaries clearly. Three strikes you’re out.
Yeah, I agree fully with being clear with boundaries. I had to get better myself as I tend to be leaning on the nice side.
I don't have any friends because they are ashamed of the videos I upload. Are they really that bad, dear sean
@@AxxLAfriku I will check them out! I have to doubt it!
When facing people who have a goal of sabotaging your reputation, it's two strikes. First misstep gets a warning shot. The second one is rude. You address it, reframe the interaction verbally in your own favor, standing up for yourself and then disengage and exit the interaction with your head high.
3?
1 warning...... that's all
“To learn who rules over you, simply find out whom you are not allowed to criticize.”
- Voltaire (attributed)
Fake quote
@@MP-tz2yn Hence the word _(attributed)_ . I hope that helps your knee-jerk triggering I-must-correct-everyone response to subside.
We must rise against children with leukemia
I was treated very poorly for years by a group of friends. A few weeks ago I left them for a fresh start. I don't like burning bridges but I couldn't be bothered to waste time to fix my reputation on people that never respected me. I won't apologise for being myself.
@Alex B bad friends is literally no friends. the definition of friend literally demands a benevolent and positive connection. If someone just happens to hang around but constantly cuts you down and depletes you, whether materially, emotionally or otherwise, they aren't a friend, but rather an undercover enemy; a parasite.
@Alex B probably you mean fake friends but I got ur point
Nice one
As my late father-in-law used to say, “Here’s champagne to my real friends, and real pain to my sham friends”.
Good for you……find people who respect you and genuinely like you and leave the others behind….they aren’t friends.
I love these. They really elevate the emotionally intelligent way to deal with situations.
Agreed!
non-neurotic way*
The level of self-control displayed by RDJ in that interview was impressive.
Man that Robert Downey Jr clip is putting your kids through college :P
On GOD!!! But it’s gold 🤣🤣🤣
I don't get what you mean.
@@davecullins1606 It means that clip is being used as a reference for many other videos
@@davecullins1606 you must be new here.
@@lilmissmonsterrr I've known his channel since it only had 200k subs.
N - Shout "NO!" at the person.
I - "I DON'T LIKE THIS!" should follow
C - "CU*T!"
E - Escalate
Finally, someone gets it
The Billy Butcher method
hope that people knows the meaning xd
Some times the other person main goal is to make sure you look very bad and angry and you would give him what he wants easily by doing this
@@Bsq20 Well said.
The world is abundant, you can always find a new job, friend, partner etc that makes you just as happy! So don't settle, value yourself highly.
well said friend, well said!
Yeup ever Settle!!!
“ The world is abundant “,...I like your statement, i will definitely employ it!
With that exit, Robert taught us how to deal with these types of hurtful questions. I've been trying to do the same ever since and I never had to escalate to exit, people just feel uncomfortable and they quit being assholes.
I suspect a lot of people never get confronted like this, and will continue those behaviours for years until confronted.
That interviewer was on a clear mission and paid NO attention to the fact that this actor did NOT want to go down that road. I love Robert even more after seeing how many chances he gave him when it was all clear from the beginning. I would have walked out after he ignored:”Are we here to talk about a movie?”
its crazy like these people either went their entire life being children never taught to be pricks or just love being toxic and continue it all the time.
"So you have chosen death.." - saying this usually works for me
AWESOME
What I liked the most about this video is the examples during the interview! It takes some self-awareness and confidence to get to this level!
Also, can’t wait to start my courses by Charisma University!
Robert Downy Jr. nails the class category and his respectful, “Uh, no.” to that Toad interviewer floored me and now I’m an even bigger admirer.
It’s very powerful to understand that you don’t have to respond or answer people’s questions if you don’t want to!!! Great video, thanks.
I wish you guys were around when I was a teenager!
Lmao right i thought the same thing
I am about to be a teenager this year 😂 and I just found these people and it really helps
Same
Read his book charisma on command will help both if you are a teenager or family man.
@@alanjohnson9336 I didn't know he has a book ... just found it online, Thanks!
Can you guys do an analysis of Vladimir Putin? Also, it might be cool to do an entire series of world leaders
This please, I know that the language barrier may take a toll but his mannerisms are so universal that I will be glad to see an article on him
I'd like to see an analysis on Hitler
Can we skip straight to Satan? Thanks.
I would love to see this
@@mtnmotoadv that's actually a good idea, he was extremely charismatic. Think about this, this one man managed to convince an entire country of an insane ideology.
Just wanted to give cudos to you for building en entire business on this stuff, I remember when you just did one off videos here and there and you really made something of it, great job mate!
It's refreshing to see someone make such good content without bashing anyone
I feel like I could’ve used this video a few weeks ago. I’m not a person who snaps but I ended up raising my voice in a situation that shouldn’t have needed it.
4:30 lol that reaction of getting called out
So glad you approached this interview and situation again.
I ignore those people and it kills them!
doesnt work for me unfortunately:')
@@uphilldew Yes, you can hun. Even if you have to interact with people at work, you can keep it to a minimum.
@Yesmean Especially at work. If I don't like the direction of a conversation, I set my voice half an octave above anyone else in the room and bring up something perpendicular, "Where is so and so", "Who is ordering lunch", "I might need to duck out of this meeting early to take a call", "Can we all get copies of this handout", "Does anyone know where the thermostat is" 😅
@@chrisbanbury The therostat one! 😂😁 Love it!
Be careful not to demand respect when you have offered none. Be careful to not misinterpret proper correction from someone with proper authority over you as them being “disrespectful” (parent or teacher or colleague or boss). Demanding respect only works when you are completely innocent and in the right - not also in the wrong or giving or causing offense to the other. People will mess things up royally because they refuse to listen to extremely simple and clear instructions and then demand respect when being corrected for obvious mistakes they have made. That is not the time to demand respect. Respect will be given when earned.
You contradicted yourself. You wrote, "... when you have offered none." Then, at the end, you wrote typical rhetoric of "respect is earned." You were correct at first. Yes, you should offer respect because it isn't something one "earns." It is naturally offered when one respects one's self in the first place.
A fine example of how that old "respect is earned" nonsense falls flat is in the old misogynistic belief that women are not deserving of respect based on what they wear. I have yet to hear anyone own their words when they say, "if a woman dresses like that then why should I respect her?" Not one of them can explain 'how' they do not "respect" women based on their clothing.
What they (and it is usually men) mean is, "I will use a woman's body as an object and proclaim to the world that she doesn't 'respect herself.'"
In those cases, it is impossible for women to earn respect at all because respect for others isn't based on what anyone wears. It is based on respect for another's humanity.
Men, on the other hand are free to play the "respect is earned" game because even if one of them is dressed like a hobo, his actions are what are being judged, not his appearance.
Ironically, it is the man in the suit and tie who is usually least deserving of respect, but most people don't want to consider that reality. Men can hide behind a facade of respectability, even when they are the ones who are predators actively making sure women never get respect based on what they wear.
Also, as in your case, most people do not understand what the word "respect" means. You can't "earn it" if you aren't given the chance because others have decided your clothing has anything to do with whether or not you deserve it.
@@rtphotos4691 TLDR - I don't know what "respect is earned" means to you, but for me, respect is "earned" by simply offering it at first to others. Not a contradiction, just a re-statement in different terms.
You are mostly right but Respect is deserved even if you aren't completely right, It would only be in the case of being a complete Turd nugget
How does one know if they should respect someone until they see how they act? Just because someone is higher up in the chain does not mean that they necessarily deserve respect. It's necessary to test the boundaries and rules to see if they're actually someone you should trust with your life. That is what's happening. When you yield a decision to someone else to make, you're saying "I believe that you know how to do this in a way that is more beneficial to me than the way I would choose to do it." That can't be given to everyone. Respect is given where earned yes, but you have to disrespect at first in order to see if someone is worth respect. It's paradoxical. At some point you will become the worst version of yourself, the one you make fun of others for being.
The older I get, the less I second guess how I handle these situations.
Same.
It's scientifically proven that stubborness increases with age so that doesn't mean anything.
@@Frogman1212 "AcKshUaLly"
Man everyone can learn how to handle their situation properly.
Same. My confidence and resources increase with age. It's easier to remove myself from these situations than for example in high school from a bad teacher I'd be seing for the rest of the year or a boss in a job I'd really need. With more alternatives can stick up for myself more
it probably has a lot less to do with age than it does repetition. the more social exchanges we have, the more familiar we become with the dance. unfortunately, it's just as easy to deeply entrench maladaptive behaviors and end up actually getting worse at handling stressful encounters over time.
I reaaaaalllly needed this right now
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@@stevewilldolt.3511 can I borrow money?
Who would have thought Robert had it so together and could keep his cool so well. . Rock on Robert.
Non verbal communication only works if the individual picks up on it. The reporter clearly didn't.
yeah not a small amount of ppl is actually too insensitive to pick it up haha
He was intentionally trolling. He understood but ignored it. He's trying to get rattings.
@Ian excatly.
I’ve been on both ends of this scenario. Sometimes you try to tell someone they’re doing something wrong but it comes out like belittling. I use to be made fun a lot in school and at home, so I developed the bad habit of just be mean before they’re mean to you. It’s definitely something I’m working on
I appreciate being corrected. It can be scary, though, being corrected in a way that feels like a personal attack when it really isn't. Do you have tips for what to/not to do when you NEED to correct someone but they are sensitive to genuine criticisms?
I accidentally went off on this one girl at work one day cause she talks in a belittling tone. I don’t think it was intentional and I wish I had this video before I done that.
@@stevewilldolt.3511 fake account..
@@stevewilldolt.3511 lmao this bot
Joseph?
I loved that interview with Russell Brand. He is a master and you can see the distress in the eyes of the tv hosts like they are about to lose the interview.
Russell Brand has clout. He has high status.
Too bad I didn't hear this years ago, I could have really used these tips! There were a couple of times that I should have walked out not because of pride but because I knew it's not right to treat someone like that.
Or, in your case, _swam_ out
"Cobra Kai never dies"
lmao i love this channel
Saitama is stronger
Charlie (and Ben),
I never comment on YT videos but I just wanted to say two things, one, in a world of pick up artists and misogynists looking to make a buck off the insecurities of young impressionable men, thank you for teaching our young men to value character and sincerity over all else. the lessons that you teach is invaluable and i hope you know that. we need more men like you in the world.
two, i have been watching your channel for years and i rarely see breakdowns of female characters / public figures. now, I understand why you primarily do breakdowns of males given your gender and i assume your audiences’ as well, but featuring more see more female faces on this channel would be beneficial to the growth of this channel. now, whether it’s you guys doing the breakdown or another (female) face is your call but i would love to see more of that. not to mention, even from a business POV i think you guys can breakthrough a far wider audience with this move especially concidering you are one of the few channels of this sort that don’t turn off women bc of the pick up artisty vibe.
regards,
- a member of your female audience
3:18
Let's say the person being rude responds with "Oh, well why is that an odd question?" in a condescending way. What would you do then? If I had to guess, I would say you exit at that point, but I'm not sure.
That is definitely a strategy you can move to, another is to respond in some fashion like, "It's an odd questions because I'm not sure what you are getting at, what is the purpose of that question." The other person could be naïve or not have great social skills or understanding in different circumstances. Depends on how much "benefit of the doubt" you want to give. Giving them a chance to reason out their question is another way to approach it. I'd say both, and other ways, are acceptable from my view.
@@NeedASparkB4Fire
Thanks for the reply that makes a lot of sense!
Then you say, "are there any intelligent lifeforms here"! A polite way of knocking them off of their high horse! Never accept or tolerate condescension and never lose your composure!!!
You just have to say that it’s an odd question to you and you’re not here to debate whether it is or it isn’t,, now have you a question on the topic please?
If they do that then you call them out. All they’ve done is hurry to the next stage. If that’s their attitude then get ready to exit because you’re probably dealing with a very rigid, unreasonable and arrogant person.
Well explained method. Makes sense.
Setting boundaries is important to develop self-confidence and self-esteem. And you can't go too far in your journey of self-development if you can tell people where the limits are.
I saw this interview with Robert Downey JR before, and he knows who he is, what is up to, and how to manage the situation well. It's not without reason he plays the Iron Man really well.
Would be really useful to have tips for when dealing with people over the phone, especially at the moment with so much less face to face contact and ways to get non verbal communication over!
Great strategy and advice! As someone with zero filter and anger issues; I will apply immediately! Thank you!
There are those that going to the callout just seems the best thing, where I agree, a building process, and done so, if needed (but politely).
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@@stevewilldolt.3511 wtf?
I used to be a very aggressive person but over my life I've learned how to do exactly what this video is explaining.
i do the exact same steps but the last step for me isn’t leave but knock some sense into them. Helps a lot when you have trained mma for 4 years, My dad has always told me since i have been little “Walk softly but carry a big stick”
Cool man will do
@@cangryang3609 sorry boss i was probably just having a bad day but i can assure y’a i dont start fights in only end them but i’m sure there’s videos of me getting ko’ed out there somewhere 😂
Tks for making video clearly to understand! Love You!
Brilliant breakdown. 👏👏👏
@@stevewilldolt.3511 begone bot
This is really important. You have to be willing to leave any situation, if it is hostile to you - even if you stand to gain from staying, or lose a lot by leaving, it is very important to remember that this option needs to be on the table - when it is not, that's either because you're being restrained and physically forced or coerced into that situation (which, there is not neccesarily something you can do if you are in a bad situation, whether enslaved, kidnapped, or dependent, and that is a different topic), or because your fears of leaving are inappropriatly keeping you in a situation where the truthes of staying are worse than the consequences of leaving and starting a new. Getting out is not always the answer, but it often is, and that is extremely important to drill into people, especially young, impressionable people, that they can have choice in their life, and that is so powerful.
Easier said than done! Sometimes it takes a lifetime to learn how to set boundaries in calm and determined manner. It depends so much on your upbringing. If you are raised to be a people pleaser it's terribly difficult to get rid of old patterns. Eckhart Tolle helped me a lot by explaining how to handle the 'pain body '. The conditioned self as a result of one's upbringing.
I was literally watching the old version of this video earlier today lol
Literally same idk why
Would you consider doing a version of this for email or social media? I feel like people are so much more passive-aggressive when they can't see the person they're talking to
Oh wow I've been doing it all wrong, apparently though I have no desire to change hahaha. When dragged into conflict, I tend to brazenly insult the one unfortunate enough to engage me in conflict. For example, when my husband's sister tried to convince him not to go after custody of his daughter because he's made mistakes in the past, I interjected and asked if she should not be allowed to live with her mom because of HER past mistakes (and said some of them out loud)...and incidentally because it was over the phone, it caused their mom to expose herself as being present in the room for the conversation after his sister said previously that she wasn't there. It was not appreciated and I do believe it made them not want to have that conversation with him ever again.
Such a beautiful and thoughtful comment Lisa, thanks for sharing with us. I appreciate your openness to discuss, thanks for what you do for others.
@@MasterTalks Well I'm touched by how nice your comment is. I admit I'm a bit jealous at how masterfully Jon Stewart handles the opposition when he argues but I'm definitely touchy when it comes to defending my stance especially when it comes to those I love.
i might not be first
but im not last
when i see charisma on command
i click fast
what a nice,pleasing,well-written poetry
Needed this today in particular, this is one of my favourites and it's improved upon in a good way
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I wish you could do some videos on “Ted Lasso” tv show. I think it is one of the best tv shows recently that explores themes of leadership and communication in workplace and life in general. Thanks for you work!
Really helpful video! I really appreciate how you’ve taken the time to break everything down and make an easy to remember acronym. Your previous video that you mentioned helped me a lot at work where coworkers or guests (we call customers guests) would be passive aggressive. The only bit of criticism I have, that may be nitpicky or trivial, would be the use of positive and negative reinforcement. Positive reinforcement would be adding a stimulus to increase/maintain behavior and negative reinforcement is removing a stimulus to increase/maintain behavior. So in the example of using non verbal cues you’re introducing stimulus to discourage behavior which would be a positive punishment. And in ignoring someone you’re removing stimulus to discourage behavior which would be a negative punishment. Really great work otherwise and I look forward to your videos in the future! My best.
You beat me to the video and saved me the typing.
Another benefit of the UBI. You always have an exit strategy. A fundamental thing that could change soooo much. But i bet it is also one of the reason people are afraid of it.
It's my dream.
Not “people” in general, employers
🤨
Love this video!
One of my favorite things about the last two decades in the 21st century is this shift toward the expectation of treating every individual with respect regardless. And how you have to respect yourself first.
"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anybody else!" - RuPaul
I wished I know this before ahaha could have saved my self-respect. thanks for the acronym, its going to stick in my head!
Robert Downey was fantastic. He went through all of the steps and the tone deaf interviewer finally got the message.
I love how Trump would walk out of interviews
One of this channels best ever videos. Resolving and preventing conflict through charisma and confidence. And video not too long.
This has happened to me recently (though not in these words):
I said something, someone misrepresented what I said, and then...
Me: That's not what I meant.
Other person: Yes it is.
I would say, exit at your own pace. Someone tried to dismiss me at a dinner table once. I chose my time which was about 20 minutes later at the end of the main course. I stood up when she started mouthing off, apologised to the other guests for needing to leave and departed with grace. She, on the other hand, was disgraced. The table disbanded shortly afterwards and I was lucky enough to end up on a wonderful table and away from the abusive person.
I love the nod to Cobra Kai at the end. Can't wait for Season 3!
Robert really nails the interviewer to his own place and remind him about respect and the chance to value the time given to him.
Am I the only one who clicks charisma on command asap when I see them in the notis?
Nah, I was late. 😂
Lol. Nah! I love their videos too
I've been watching so many of these, feeling like I'm learning to be a normal person, but quarantine doesn't let me use what I learned from these videos.
you can actually connect with folks virtually and try to create these sort of situations, lol
The transition from content in to shilling CU is exceptional every time
It's an art.
He sells a product that's highly relevant to everything he talks about on this channel. It's only natural.
This is just brilliant! Thank you for such a fantastic video!!! 🙏✨
I was wondering why the comments are so recent and then I realized I'm early
Damn dude thats so crazy thanks for sharing
Thank you Mr Downey.
Since you did a re-edit of one of your old videos, can you please do the one about “how to be the coolest guy in the room” with better explanation including the Sarcasm.
All your videos are great but this one stands out as your best so far.
Nice!
This is much much better than your first video where you showed that R.D.Jr interview.
Thanks for that 👍
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@@stevewilldolt.3511 umm... What on earth are you talking about? 🤔
@@VanCamelCat its a fake, oh i hope you knew that lol
@@smashball3343 I didn't notice, but I am not about to fall to some fishing scam either way 😉
Thx though 👍 it's nice of you to note that 🙏
How to stand up for yourself - Virtually:
1) N: Nonverbal - Put hand up to webcam
2) I: Indirect warning - Type into the chat and share a brief thought
3) C: Call out - Unmute yourself, look directly into the camera, be bold and say your piece
4) E: Exit - Sit back, breathe and listen or Click the X on the top right 😂
Well said! 😂
@@JoinDrSuri completely different now virtually 😬
I was at the barber and he said something about my weight, he wasn’t rude but it was just uncomfortable so I kinda just squinted and he got the signal.
So helpful video
It would be awesome to see a Charisma on Command video breaking down Neal Caffrey from White Collar
YES. But it might encourage illegal activity...
In my opinion this is by far hard and takes time to get use to as a way to use and read people in a way. I love the videos!!!!!
I’ve never felt this uncomfortable watching one of these videos.
means you learnt something
this channel is gold
Downey's. Interviewer seemed quite clueless even to the end. As his boss I'd have offered him 100hrs of rehab social skills in a kindergarten class or resign. These days maintaining self control is less of an issue than having any in the first place. Hats off to Mr. Downey. I would have walked a bit sooner.
I just smile & say "MAY I QUOTE YOU?" They think twice.
Now I am gonna use this to standup for myself against youtube because they won't let me download videos without paying for a premium account.
N: Non-verbal, warn them to stop
I: Indirect-verbal, warn them what this is about
C: Call them out, tell them the consequences
E: Exit out/Walk away from them
S: Strength
E: Energy
E: Esteem
R: Respect
I missed you 🥺
And yaaaas Robert Downey Jr., my fellow ENFP love him 💖
Yayy! The campaigner right?
Here I was, certain he was an ENTP...
Fantastic Video. Thank you
I had a big issue with this recently where I was traveling alone with a baby and was being treated very rudely by a airline employee but I was worried that if I started tondefend myself that I would be delayed and possibly miss my flight or I would be removed from a flight because I was "causing problems" which has happened to people I know. (And it was not mask related but they were simply standing up for themselves against rude employees.) I couldn't risk being stranded with a baby and I just didn't have the confidence in the moment to speak up.
I am sorry that you had to go through that. I think in most situations, you can exert certain level of assertiveness without being confrontative, but I think a much bigger skillset is being able to pick your battles by keeping your focus on what matters more to you in that moment. Sounds like that's what you did in that moment, and even if it doesn't feel like you "stood up for yourself" at that time, I think there's some wisdom to how you chose to handle the situation.
Which airline? We're taking names here
I feel a little grief, but I have to face those with no fear. Thank you Charisma on Command. This is a good advice. 😄🖐
I am your new subscriber by the way. 😄🖐
i'm brazilian, so this logo of carisma university makes me laugh loud every time
Excellent video. Nice breakdown and mnemonic. I watched twice!
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Please breakdown the Tyson interview when promoting on live tv with the mayor.
That's a cool suggestion Prince, thanks for sharing this with us!
Love this video, and hopefully, but for whoever needs to read this, just want to mention that conflict resolution in a relationship is a very different game. There you and your partner are not on opposite teams, but rather the same team, even if it doesn't feel like that in the heat of the moment.
I just posted a video on how to resolve conflict in a relationship earlier this morning, so check that if that's of interest to you.
Great video! Love your stuff and I've been subscribed for a few years now. However, I want to point out at 2:03 this isn't negative reinforcement, as reinforcement promotes behavior. The commonality you're looking for is "punishment".
I thought that, too, at first, but I think he meant to emphasize with this that the reinforcement is negative. So basically “minus enforcement“, which would be the opposite of enforcement
@@hello70304 So, negative reinforcement is a removal of unpleasant stimuli for a behavior, promoting it. While what's he's saying to a layman sounds right it's still incorrect. I think "punishing" would've been a better way of saying it but I'm straight-up nitpicking haha.
@@thesneakingninja1 ok, I see. I didn’t know we were speaking psychological scientific termini. You’re completely right.
"In negative reinforcement, a response or behavior is strengthened by stopping, removing, or avoiding a negative outcome or aversive stimulus." (verywellmind.com)
@@hello70304 lol they're just terms, I was just pointing out that one of them was used incorrectly
Thank you. Came here to say this.
Great Video. Could you link the Downey Video? (This whole interview seems like a "what not to do if you want to make friends")
nice reference at the end :D
sometimes conflict is so much in your face simply ignoring the issue becomes impossible
You can also use Tom cruise's interview with an Australian reporter...he handled it well
Some people will just start attacking you even more if they think you won't stand up for yourself.
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DO ONE ON LUDWIG ARGEN!!!! great vid btw
Now i need to know how to apply this in virtual setting : business emails
Recently did this with someone who was rudely ignoring me for a yet unknown reason. Wished them a Merry Christmas, got nothing, gave them a confused look.
Asked them later what they got or gave that was their favorite, still got the silent treatment.
Called them out quietly and privately that it's rude to ignore someone and not tell them why, and if they want to talk then my ear is open.
They wound up apologizing a week later. Still never said what it was.
Maybe there socially awkward? Kinda weird you would keep forcing someone to interact with you, some people just wanna be left alone. Kinda seems like your the rude one for being confrontational.
They didn't hear you. They are deaf. They were focused. A million reasons. That's an odd thing to be pressed over. I get it a little bit, but not totally.
@@ANARCHY.050 You didn't respond to my generic questions......TIME FOR WAR
Great and informative video! I usually laugh off behaviour like this, but I might try NICE if I actually find myself getting upset by what others are trying to do.