All your stuff is extremely helpful. Getting this diagnosis was a huge shock to me, I took it badly, and researching online upset me even more. It is a witch hunt out there. Your content is the exception. Thank you. Thank you.
What do you do when you can’t have empathy because your whole life has been marked by individuals in your life hurting you, invalidating, misunderstanding, and dismissing your feelings, along with chronic sustained stress so your ability to regulate is greatly compromised? And the more that others say “they didn’t mean to hurt you”, the more dismissive it feels because it doesn’t acknowledge the persons pain.
6:29 "Where should they turn? To find help that isnt about making them swallow the narrative that theyre terrible people and that the only 'cure' is to basically cease to exist" damn. i cried. i have gotten so many death threats from people, people telling me i should kms, people telling me that my loved ones and society should leave me to die. even people advocating for genocide of those with NPD. i have heard so many things from "therapists" vilifying us, saying we cant be helped, always putting us down as abusers. no one is willing to treat us. even highly specialised clinics for personality disorders have denied me treatment due to my NPD. "reputable" sources still mention that narcissists "never" seek help, or at the very least are unlikely to. to have a person specialising in *us*, not helping the people that have to "deal with us" but really us, to have someone, a professional, that understands both the hurt from the disorder and the hurt from the stigma on top of it, really means something. our pain is finally seen. and validated. we are not the monsters society makes us out to be. all i want is help, all i want is to get better. i am so close to getting very good treatment now and i cant wait to start.
I give you credit for taking on this very complex problem. If narcissism is an affliction of deficits rooted in not being seen or properly mirrored in early childhood then there are a lot of parallels between NPD and codependency. Severe emotional trauma through abuse and neglect. It’s the same story. Maybe there is a way where everyone gets helped.
i'm deeply touched, especially after listening to the last part of the video. I can feel those words must have been bubling inside of you for quite some time, since they feel like a taste of a perfectly matured wine to me.
Both of my parents are narcisissts. My dad is overt and my mom is covert. They had very difficult childhoods. They have struggled immensely in their lives due to their dysfunctional/abusive/neglectful family of origins. However, they are very reluctant to get help or accept advice. It's very sad. My sister and I have had to distance ourselves from them to protect ourselves from their abuse. It's a very sad situation.
@@Jennaswirly can y'all stop bringing up ur abusers that had NPD (or that you self diagnosed with NPD based on a lot of heavily stigmatising misinformation) every single time NPD is mentioned, this video is about therapy for people with NPD, I would like to watch it without other people making everything about how people with NPD have hurt them. I don't need to see that when I am trying to learn how to help myself. This is stigmatising and unnecessary, I understand that you are a victim and there is a time and a place for you to talk about that experience, but this is not it, and it's inappropriate to blame it on NPD regardless (it was only influenced by, not caused by)
Like respectfully I am a victim too and I would like a space where everyone can recognise that and not feel the need to say anything else for once, because every other second of my life is filled with people saying something else. These are the first videos about NPD I have found that actually seem concerned with me and my wellbeing and my experience, I don't want to see this stuff here. I want for just one second to feel like I am actually important, and not just important because I say so and everyone else is wrong.
@@butasimpleidiotwizard boo freaking hoo. I’ve run out of empathy. I’ll comment where and whenever I please, because guess what your emotional disregulation doesn’t get to control other people’s behavior. So suck it up buttercup.
This has been very touching as ive only recently discovered i have gone through life as a vulnerable narcissist. I dont know how im going to keep going through life anymore but this at least brings some comfort.
Youre not a monster!! I love someone with NPD very much. It breaks my heart to see the struggles. For people who claim to be "empaths" they sure don't practice much empathy. Im so sorry for all the stuff you see online. I PROMISE you that it's not true
I'm psychologist from Poland and I'm glad about all what you do and that you share your knowledge about narcissism. In Poland is so hard to find psychologists who know hoe to treat narcissism and help people. Their knowledge is just a few sencence and later they are supriced who is difficult to help someone with narcissism.
This channel is the best resource for knowledge on the subject of narcissism. I recently became aware that my wife's behavior issues are NPD. All of the other online resources that I have viewed had me believing that the situation was hopeless. They had me extremely angry with her, but under all that anger was empathy FOR HER!! I truly love her and just want her to be well. Thank you for the truth about this disorder.
I am so thrilled to find this! I kept recognizing narcissism in myself when I started hearing the hateful descriptions that are provided by "specialists" online. I looked into the causes and I immediately started posting content to explain how narcissism is created and how painful this condition is. (In laymen's terms) I'm not seeing anymore posts condemning narcissists in my FB news feed so I think my message got out. I've been stagnating in my healing and working towards individuation and autonomy and tonight I'm so thankful I stumbled on to your content. I can continue to work towards becoming able to live now that I have actual knowledge rather than propaganda. You have changed my life and I have only listened to a few videos tonight. I already know this is going to lead me to the life I've always felt alienated from.
Thankyou for being so understanding and compassionate towards people suffering with this you don’t understand how much we need people like you to feel human. I’ve only recently realised I have a lot of narc traits and searching for help online can make you feel even more stigmatised and demonised. I want to heal more than anything else in life.
I reached out to a highly trained therapist just last week and he said “narcissists don’t usually seek help”. Scrolling a counseling directory of 100s, all seemed to treat NPD but when you looked closer, it was only for people who had suffered from abuse. So why were the therapists saying that they treated npd when they did not !? Frustrating. Can you do a show on internal family systems- ‘parts’ therapy?
Hi Dr. Ettensohn, thank you so much for your videos. They give me a lot of clarity around my diagnosis. I was wondering if you could make a video about the psychodynamic of a narcissistic individual who compensates with incest/sexual abuse? Unfortunately, there is very little information out there even though this is known to have a big influence on the development of personality disorders like bpd, npd and cptsd.
I feel that I understand the development and progression of narcissism quite well. There are not large internet forums where narcissists try to support each other on a path to healing. Narcissists do not suffer from a chronic lack of empathy. They suffer from lack of control, fear and envy. Lack of empathy is actually quite liberating for them.
A friend just shared your site to me and it’s like you came out of my brain. I’ve been looking for people who are actually in power in the system, diagnosing and and teaching, and not othering these personality disorders. And all neurological differences should be met with a sense of empathy and desire to understand. People get really weird when I start talking about this because well I’m not in the mental health profession at all. Actually, I learned a bunch because apparently I have late diagnosed ASD (been diagnosed with combine type ADHD since nine now 40) and I’ve had multiple doctors make comments that maybe I am borderline personality disorder, or bipolar. Well, being that, I have autism to try to understand not only Myself, but where I was getting it wrong in my interactions with the world. Psychology psychoanalysis therapy, relational, trauma, relationship types, etc. became I mean personal interest. And I’ve thought about trying to find a way into the system so I can help more because well exactly everything coming out of your mouth, and I am about to cry with happiness that I finally found some more information from somebody who is a professional, who has the same conclusion, I do, which sounds weird I know of people find it full of myself or something it’s just the logical thing to me. And I am of the very emotional type and I’m rambling right now but I just really needed to say how wonderful it is and I’m really excited to dig through everything that you have out and I hope that you keep planting seeds and honestly I hope to maybe be some sort of colleague, one day
I’m glad the channel seems to be what you’ve been looking for. Thanks for watching and for sharing your feedback. I hope to call you a colleague one day. 🙂
Healed ? Do you mean cured from pathological narcissism ??? You and Diana Diamond are the only two therapists who are brave enough to use these words in NPD.
This presentation that the narcissist is suffering from childhood wounds sounds very compassionate, heartening, and optimistic. It must however remain balanced with the viewpoint that the narcissist are ABUSERS. Why? Because the EXPRESSION of narcissistic people is the triangulation, the gaslighting, the future faking, the emotional manipulation and distancing… it’s sheer insanity. This presentation makes it sound like the narcissist simply needs a hug - and maybe they do- but they’re going to take it for granted! He’s right - there has been a death in childhood- but then it’s as if a demon took over the shell of the human being that would otherwise have been there. And how is it possible to get anywhere with a person who LIES about the twisting of events that actually happened?? How can any progress be made by a person that take NO accountability for dismay and anguish in relationships?? And what about the blatant DISRESPECT the narcissist give to their partners? Therefore, the partners of narcissists receive validation and strength from being able to label the relationship’s interactions as abusive. I’ve been with a narcissist for three years. I finally started calling her out on emotional manipulation, raging, DISRESPECT, distancing, etc… and it has helped me keep my equilibrium. Seeing that she indeed has an emotional wound from childhood makes me equally feel more resilient because I can see where the behavior comes from. Sometimes though, the narcissistic behavior leads to REAL CONSEQUENCES, and truly makes one wonder if having the relationship is a good idea. I love her and don’t want anyone else but her so I’m trying to understand by educating myself - it’s working and has essentially kept the relationship going, but the narcissistic abusive behavior is not to be taken lightly. Thanks for listening and commenting.
I hope you are getting the help you need. Those who are attracted to (and attract) narcissistic people, often are codependents, people pleasers, who struggle with self worth and boundaries. I’ve even heard the term co-narcissist. It turns into both people being overly focused on the narcissist and their needs and the other person totally ignored. You become a co-conspirator in this, by self abandoning, self betraying, to keep the relationship going. I hope you can heal, and make choices that have your own back, and know your value. ✨
Having a relationship with someone who has untreated NPD is never a healthy choice. I too, began calling the abusive behavior out at the 3 year mark. Ten years later, it’s still emotionally abusive. They don’t care if you call them out - it gives them a form of attention to argue with you. There is no way to remain healthy yourself being with an untreated NPD. Don’t fool yourself into believing YOU can help. The only people who can help are the Person with the NPD and a TRAINED therapist in NPD.
you are kind you still lover her the only narcs i feel any empathy for are my parents and little sister no other nars who hurt me do i feel any empathy for i am waiting for karma this channel tries to humanize malignant narcs they are not as mentality ill as this channel makes them look sure they have traumas just like codepenent and borderlines not all traumatized people become heartless they lack moral compas and empathy i sometimes hate the empathy i feel for my parents and little sister they were not that empathic to me i envy narcs cold heart
@@nikiyoussef55 there is nothing to envy about narcs. Plus, what you feel is conscience. You feel bad for them, because you know you are actually better than them and that they suffer in a different way. Sometimes, doing the right thing can mean not listening to your conscience. Justice is more important. Just like you said, many people are traumatized but they do not hurt others at all. If they seeked "revenge" about their trauma, then they would treat the source person of their trauma badly, not other innocent people. It is not even like "i hate men/women and get sensitive about it, because they sexually harass others,too"- it is like "how could *they* do this to one and only *ME*???"
"Self esteem juice." I'm stealing this. Seriously though, I agree that "narcissistic supply" is kind of an icky phrase. I think I verbally scare-quoted it in the episode because I really don't like using it.
@@healnpd Haha please do steal it! Yeah it's very dehumanizing both for people with NPD and the people around them. It has a place because, in a way, it describes a very real part of the disorder. Just doesn't convey what the underlining reasons behind the need is. Also don't worry I could tell your disdain for it in the vid haha Kinda unrelated, you mentioned in the video that a lot of healing does happen on your own, which I 100% agree with. Do you think you could made a video on some strategies people with NPD can use to advance their healing between sessions? I think that would be super helpful. Though I do love your destigmatization of the disorder (I frequently mention and direct people towards your channel whenever I can) I think your expertise would also be helpful in our healing. That being said, I do think your efforts to destigmatize are more valuable imo Also, as a content creator myself, something I think would help your channel grow is a regular posting schedule. Like a video every first of the month or something, and make it clear in the videos/on your channel when that is. Not only does it help the algorithm, but also people who are expecting content for you. Idk what your obligations are like so I'm not sure if that's feasible, but just thought I'd offer the suggestion. Have a good one! Keep it up!
Thank you for the suggestions! I have struggled to keep a regular posting schedule. I moved to podcasts/audio-only content because it takes less time to record and put together. Also, I’m a bit camera shy. But it still takes at least three hours per episode, and I have a full practice and also an academic job - so time is short. :/ I also appreciate your recommending this channel to folks. It’s been challenging to bring attention to my channel. Early on, I made the mistake of posting one of my videos to the NPD subreddit because it seemed like the logical place to post this stuff, but was quickly reminded about the community policy that only people who identify as pwNPD can post. It was a bit of a fiasco, because the video was about how therapy for narcissism works and people thought I was advertising. I get where they were coming from and see how it could be viewed that way, though it wasn’t my intention. At any rate, I will try your suggestions and thanks for the feedback!
@@healnpd Yeah, I figured it's hard to manage to fit in what is, effectively, a side project. Not to say you aren't passionate about it, but I mean, putting food on the table is very much a priority I feel it being hard to get your message out there. If you're open to it, I'd love to have you on my channel. I only have 3K subs, but it's better than nothing. My viewers would love it and I think your content is super important. I also have been cultivating some connections I could recommend you to. I'm gonna be on conde nast here by the end of October, if you've ever seen borderliner notes I'm meeting with the main person there on monday. Soft white underbelly also wants me on (3M subs), but I have to figure out my financial difficulties first. And If you've ever heard of Cluster B milkshake (You may not agree with some of the things she says tho) or spirt narc, they're friends of mine who I'm sure would be excited to see you. If you want, email me at jacobtheproud@gmail.com (Also in the description of my channel) if you're open to it!
I appreciate the work you are doing. Do you believe that NPD can be impart passed on by birth? I have heard one psychologist speak of this briefly. I feel we have what some may call a generational curse. I can personally go through four generations of narrarsists in my family from my grandmother, my mother, not my grandmother's daughter, my sister and brother, my half sister, down to my daughter unfortunately with three small children that I am aware of. I am greatly empathetic, and the abuses could be extreme. I was 60 before I even began to understand what a narrarsist was. I have found for me that it is almost impossible to find the type of treatment I need that my insurance will pay for, so I can certainly understand how hard it would be for those with NPD to find help, but conmind those that are reaching out for help.
Thank you so much for your videos! 💗 I am looking for help to my sister's ex. He has many problems in relating to the reality. Luckily he is going to therapy all the time and I am very hopeful that he could bean one of those narcissists who can heal (due to seeking help!). My heart is breaking when I am thinking of what he did go through as a small child! 💔 I wish that there was more recognization of the pathology of narcissism and that it can be helped!!!
This is extremely frustrating to me as well. I love a narcissist. Not just trauma bonded, but love her a s the whole prrson she is, flaws and all. And i worry for her and her sons future. And really just want her to be happy and fully love herself and her son, with me or without
Be careful , these people can cause serious physical trauma because of their careless behavior and internal dialogues and lack of empathy for others , and then you maybe left with chronic medical complications to deal with for the rest of your life , unfortunately very few psychologists talk about this very dangerous risk
I tried to make my partner aware of his npd empathetically. But his defences became so strong, he asked 10 of his friends that whether they find him narcassist or not. All of them denied. When he is not wiling to accept, how can he ever seek therapy. What sort of shock is required to waken him up through this delusion
There are some things you can change, and many things you can’t. Your partner’s decisions about his own mental health and the way he wants to live his life is squarely in the category of things you can’t change. You’ve raised your concerns (probably on numerous occasions and using numerous different approaches). He doesn’t agree with you. It’s hard to allow people to make their own decisions when we think they are making a poor choice and we care about them. But your partner is (I’m assuming) an adult and he gets to choose what is best for him. Your choice is determining what to do with his decision. Thinking that we can “shock” others into agreeing with us is it’s own kind of delusion. My best recommendation for you would be to seek out your own support to help you decide what is best for you.
I am 31 years old. Just last week I binge watched the HBO TV Series "East Bound & Down" starring Danny McBride..... it was my damn trigger. My wake up call BIG TIME. I am now commenting on this video here and confessing things to myself and keeping watch over my actions and words towards others. Hopefully this show can be the "wake up call" for many others. I watched the show alone, depressed, and destroyed..... as I have been so many many times before.
Your content here is life-saving. Thank you so much! Given that narcs can feel untrusting and that they alone can fix things, how are they able to have a trusting, healing relationship with the therapist/analyst? Anything can come across as incompetence or betrayal
And it's an ever-increasing trend. Especially with the influx of "tolerance" preaching activists aggressively refusing to tolerate what they deem to be "intolerant" people...it's textbook othering, and the irony of it is lost in translation.
@@healnpd , I know you've stated that a loved one can't provide that relationship, but do you think it's possible if the loved one is themselves trained in such kind of work? In other words, is it possible to learn such techniques to help your narcissist heal?
@nemishasharma5737 - I don’t think it’s a viable strategy. I think loved ones can be very helpful in support of the person’s treatment. However, healing pathological narcissism and NPD requires the boundaries and safeguards of a therapy relationship.
Thank you Mark for your information, I don’t classify as cluster B personality but I’m currently recovering from cPTSD and I have to agree with you. As on my path to finding myself I was educating myself on you tube videos about narcissism and this is my perception only- videos on dr.Ramani wasn’t my taste to be honest. It was “ master class- difference between narcissists,sociopaths and psychopaths “ she was lecturing to public as- cluster A- mad, cluster B- bad and cluster C- sad and I wrote her in comments section “ I’m not from any of this field of psychology but do you realise that this video is made for all public and if any of will view themselves as” mad, bad or sad” is extremely unprofessional and unhelpful to anyone as some people will be diagnosed or misdiagnosed with any of these clusters and feel that they don’t want to seek help from professionals as they going to be viewed like this! And you are dr. Rama I- dr. of psychology- really? It’s ashamed! People who suffer NPD are people too and they really trying to get help. So so sad.
NOW i understand all the hateful or negative comments about "the narcissistic supply"... the point about not being able to give what you don't have--empathy--made me cry. THANK YOU for encouraging me to continue trying to be there for ... a wounded child who is an adult called a narcissisist.
I have come to wonder how Freud's personal struggle with narcissism may have played a role in the general rejection of his work. I recall reading or hearing excerpts from correspondence between Freud and a collegue (I think it was his publisher.) describing how he was struggling with the concepts. Perhaps his own ego was confounding the evolution of his theory. That seemed to be the suggestion of the account.
I have a question regarding empathy. I have always believed I am very empathetic and I think I can put myself in the shoes of other people. I used my empathy more in a way to gauge what ppl responded positively to decided what actions I would do and anything that got (what i imagined to be negative feed back as a sign of what not to do. And that's how I began creating my persona. I don't use it anymore....then again that part of my life was completely alienated. I recognize myself in the descriptions and my caregiving situation was filled with rejection anger abuse and neglect. I guess I'm trying to say is it true I can't feel empathy or is it possible I'm not really feeling how others feel when I imagine what they've experienced. Or maybe I don't understand empathy correctly?
Hey, Jodi. I think you're poking around at the difference between affective empathy and cognitive empathy. Let's just say that "empathy" is a general understanding of the emotional state of others. Affective empathy is you, yourself being emotionally affected by the emotional state of another. For example, a friend has a parent die and deeply, deeply feels the loss. Affective empathy is your feeling the same sorts of feelings. Cognitive empathy is being logically aware of the emotional state of another while not being emotionally affected yourself. "I used my empathy more in a way to gauge what ppl responded positively to decided what actions I would do . . ." that SOUNDS like cognitive empathy, not affective empathy, but please keep in mind, I am not a therapist; I'm just a dude on the Internet.
You know what? I think I'm out growing being able to be manipulated by worrying about other people's feelings like I used to. For a long time I felt responsible for how others felt and I have just been learning that we don't cause other people's emotions. Which is very empowering because I can just take care of myself now and not be guilted into having to care for ppl who present themselves as victimized. And I don't blame my emotions on other people anymore which gives me the personal agency over my own life which is very liberating.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INTRODUCING TO US DONALD WINICOTT THE MORROR EXPLANATION OPENED THE DOOR 2 ME TO UNDERSTAND A MAN I PARTED WITH NO HATE BUT I AM GLAD IT ALL MAKE SENSE NOW I AM ALSO GLAD TO REALIZE THAT BY LETTING HIM GO I WAS NOT SELFISH AND THAT HE NEEDS A THERAPIST NOT AN EMPATHIC GIRL FRIEND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW
Hi sir, this is a amazing video and very helpful, when you said its difficult to find a Doc. For NPD, i can relate, i am from India and trying to find help for my husband, everyone is like go first book a session and pay this amount ....feels like this is all about money, still not able to find any help....if are taking patients or you know someone who can help, please help me. I was with him for very short time 4 months only, and we are taking divorce on 8 feb 2024, i know he is not a bad person, and i really want to help him, but not able to find a way.
I think problem is that narcissists don’t think they have a problem to seek help for , they would rather pretend to be a victim and if one has not experienced a narcissistic relationship , I’m not sure they can understand the dynamics involved , in order to treat effectively .
I tell patients that they should expect at least a year of regular weekly or biweekly visits before we can expect to find some traction. Much of that time is spent building trust and creating a relational and psychological foundation that will make future leaps possible.
@@MsMirrorA year of therapy is just the starting point IMO from my direct experiences with people suffering from NPD or narcissistic tendencies.. according to Dr Elinor Greenberg a brilliant narcissism expert who writes excellent articles on Quora and Psychology Today, mentions that it requires anywhere between 5-10 years, depending on the individual. The reason why it's difficult for pwNPD to heal fully is the length of commitment needed to unravel the roots of the maladaptive thinking/behaviour and replace it with healthier responses and new ways of functioning, so that they can regulate themselves and avoid hurting others with their invalidating behaviour. To develop awareness and empathy takes time and a willingness to practice new healthier approaches. To breakdown their egoic defenses is extremely complex challenging work, to get in touch with their real, true self and be vulnerable is scary for them. It's a slow, long process.. no one that I know has recovered or healed yet but I'm hoping they will if they persist with the treatment and do the necessary work.
The problem is this doctor is full and how to find a doctor who is actually of truthfully understanding and won’t make things worst. It is so hard to convence the ti seek for treatment and when you do you can’t offer them real help.
I am about to try to go to school for counseling. I hope I can overcome my trauma from narcissistic abuse enough to help them. I am getting far enough in my healing process to accept how much pain my abuser is in and that he did the best he could. Badly, yes, but he tried.
Why does anyone with a personality disorder harm? Poor impulse control, extreme emotional and mood lability, distorted perception of self and others, tendency to interpret malice or bad intentions on the part of others when none exists, poor boundaries, tendency to take most things personally, inflexible and limited coping skills, history of relational trauma and abuse, poor interpersonal communication skills, etc. It’s important to keep in mind that ‘narcissism’ is not synonymous with ‘abuse.’ Narcissism is a disorder characterized by poor self esteem regulation. Sometimes, that issue leads people to compensate for a poor self image by trying to dominate, manipulate, bully, or devalue others. But narcissists can also ‘act inwards’ by abusing, bullying, and devaluing themselves. This is one of the reasons why narcissism is correlated with depression, substance abuse, and suicide. I have worked with many narcissists who most people would simply consider to be depressed or socially anxious. The ‘narcissist bogeyman’ of internet fame is a distortion. Narcissism is a mental illness, and like any mental illness, it causes suffering both for the individual and for those around them.
@@healnpd I wish I had you’re insight . I would like to expand that empathy to my undiagnosed but suspect NPD ex’s who wounded me enough to have me diagnosed with PTSD . The narcissist boggy man is very real I dated 2 of them and they did me tremendous harm psychologically , emotionally and financially. My sons father being the first ended up abandoning me at 19 and our 3 year old son after years of abuse in various forms . I understand the empathy but I also see how damaging these damaged people are .
Dear Dr. Why there are so many around the internet to treat narcissistically abused people and not narcissist . Bcos as you know very few narcissist opt for therapy but on the contrary almost every abused individual would be interested. Therefore they stigmatize the narcissism to be on the same page with the affected individual.
Narcs mood can change in a millisecond over misconstrued comments and then ghost for months only to surface again, beaming as nothing ever occurred 🤔 They are human alright, but don't suffer from empathy or gratitude but with an eye for cunning conning and guile ie 'love bombing' I have experienced this personally and seen her shouting at other folk😉
I appreciate the differentiated look on this topic, but I can only go so far with agreeing to view NPD-people as victims. I think of my dad. He likes to sexually abuse his wife, verbally abuse his stepdaughter, physically abuse his other son and slander others like me myself. There is no forgiving this. There is no empathy left from my side. He is the worst person I know and he does terrible things, just for him to feel superior. He had a horrible childhood, but there has to be responsibility.
The point of the video is not to view pwNPD as victims. While it is true that most people with personality disorders experienced relational trauma (as well as other forms of trauma) when they were young, that does not mean that you or anyone else should view them as ‘victims.’ They are people, just like you and me. They are complex, with complex histories and complex reasons for their behavior. The point of my channel is to help people understand pathological narcissism and NPD as forms of mental illness, with discernible causes, contributing factors, presentations, and treatment approaches. I can’t speak to your father. Maybe he has NPD, maybe he doesn’t. Was he evaluated and diagnosed by a mental health professional? LOTS of people out there with little or no training in psychology have armchair diagnosed someone in their lives as ‘having NPD’ based on videos they saw or articles they read. Diagnosis is actually much more complicated than going down a checklist. It’s why you need to be licensed to do it. People don’t know what they don’t know, and they often mistake other difficult presentations for NPD. Don’t know if that’s your story, but it’s common enough that it’s worth mentioning.
@@healnpd Again, I appreciate your response. First off, he has been diagnosed with NPD by a therapist who, because of this, refused to work with him. I don't know her area of expertise but from my armchair perspective, it seems to fit. The thing is, I feel that there is a need for discussing the relationship between NPD and individual responsibility. For a long time, I felt sorry for him. I made excused for his behaviour and tried my best to understand where he was coming from. I think understanding is important, but at some point, there is an end to it. I don't even care anymore what's wrong with him. We all have a responsibility of doing better and with him just indulging in his tendencies, I cannot help but to judge. If all people acted like him, there would be no good in this world. Especially if we experienced terrible thing, I believe that it is our duty to strive to be better. He does not. The only person he cares about is himself.
Thanks for your reply. I’m glad to know he was actually assessed and diagnosed. Here’s my (broad) perspective on this sort of thing: I don’t think you owe him anything. If he was hurtful to you and your family, then I think you have every right not to extend any compassion or generosity in his direction. The fact that someone is mentally ill does not, in and of itself, necessitate any charity on your part. I emphasize boundaries on this channel. You are entitled to set and maintain whatever boundaries feel good to you, as long as they aren’t infringing on another person’s rights. Your father isn’t entitled to your time or attention. Those are gifts that you can choose to extend should you wish. We are each responsible for the consequences of our actions. A consequence of being abusive to your family is that your children may decide they want nothing to do with you when they are grown. Hope this helps.
@@healnpdI agree with this commenter there needs to be a discussion and series of videos helping pwNPD understand the importance of personal responsibility/accountability as part of their healing. I hope you create some content around this theme. I appreciate that understanding needs to be built up regarding NPD as a mental illness and to counter the stigmatizing content but hopefully you can do more proactive videos? Compassion and empathy are necessary but balanced with the necessary work of how to change their maladaptive thinking/behaviour into more healthy/humble ways of functioning. Appreciate all your efforts on this channel to help raise awareness and understanding of NPD as a mental health issue. I hope it inspires pwNPD to get the help that they need.
What are you talking about?? My life has been shattered by a narcissist. A person who, if I showed them this video, I’d be begging them to talk to me again. And that I’m sorry.. she doesn’t want help. Won’t hear about getting help. Things are working for them
Empathy makes them worse. Because the entitlement makes them feel that your kindness is because of their godlike wonderful grandiosity. It's not othering... you can be the perfect mother they never had, and that compassion will lead to intimacy that will lead to expectations. Then comes the rage. How do you teach empathy? This didnt give actual ways of helping the narcissist. And often it's the father that traumatizes the child the focus on the mother is quite oldschool. I know it was stressed "caregiver" not just mother yet mother is constantly used. Sometimes there is an Oedipus aspect in these situations if you dig deep. Too much love and not enough love has been blamed for narcissism.
My mother was a malignant sadistic narcissist who physically abused me. I am not a narcissist, I am a schizoid and here for the research. You seem to have some really big problems if you make it about men vs. women. It's your personal problem, deal with it by yourself. No need to defend female abusers who make 50 % of the population. They get away with abuse too often just for being women.
If one person are narsist, its a personality value thats in everybody. Hidden or shown. To got your narssisms hidden, you can change that to some oposite to narssisms. Loyality, emphaty. Understanding, accepting. We all human being got narssismis in our emotional intelligence. In some its hidden as not nessesary. Some that have got it provocated it on the shown quality in your personality.
@@Wasp239 why cant change it to good style, self confidence and temperary disorder. All emotions need the oposite emotion to got a motivation. And keep all emorions in control. With the difference with that we have with our loved one, and let all good emotions free.
I can empathize with npd but compassion is a trap. The moment you feel sorry for one of these... npc's, they eat you. I struggle to live everyday because of the relationships Ive had with them. I can't see them being helped without killing everyone who trys. Theres no one home to accountable.
@@addlecrux5981 I think it depends on the situation. I see a lot of people in these comments who want to grow. Although I understand the sceptical viewpoint, I would have that too.
12:56 so there are only 2 types of therapists? Sounds like black/white thinking right there! What about a more nuanced kind of thinking like combining all aspects of narcissism?
@ShaaRhee - This is not an example of black and white thinking. NPD is heavily stigmatized and misunderstood. Seeing a therapist who does not have a compassionate understanding of the disorder could be harmful to the patient. Thanks for watching.
Sure, temperament is a significant factor. I’ve mentioned that in multiple videos, if not this one specifically. I’m also careful to note that caregiver =\= mother. I explicitly state this in most of my content.
you know, I shouldn't have to go through this. Why the hell am I finding this shit now? oh no couldn't have found something before I lost my job and ran out of money, lets taunt me by showing me this now when I'm about to become homeless and loser forever, now I get to know something could have helped but it's too late
The lack of helpful info about this disorder is why I started this channel. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time. I wish you the best and hope things begin to improve for you.
I knew back then I shouldnt trust Sam Vaknin when he said to me that psychoanalysis is colossal waste of time. But to hear it from you gives me some hope at least. Im visiting psychoanalytist in Prague for more than a year now 3 times a week. He is very old and at least he doesnt provide with ideas how should I change myself/ improve myself like my mother did. Even now I really refuse to tell her about my problems, because she never listen, she just feel the need to correct me so she wouldnt come up as a bad mother. She never really gave me freedom of choice, she overprotected me and therefore I never learned to trust my own decisions.. Psychoanalysis is tedious and very long process, if you want quick fix, try CBT, but in my mind, if there is something wrong deep deep down, you need to fix the core. You cant fix the core by changing superficial stuff.
I will remove comments that are abusive to any individual (including myself) or population. This includes comments that are abusive toward pwNPD.
Thank you for being neutral. I honestly started crying reading this. I believe I had NPD.
I’ve never felt so heard and understood in my life. Your videos have benefited me greatly.
It’s so important to feel heard and understood. Thanks for letting me know. :)
All your stuff is extremely helpful. Getting this diagnosis was a huge shock to me, I took it badly, and researching online upset me even more. It is a witch hunt out there. Your content is the exception. Thank you. Thank you.
I'm glad to know you find it helpful! :)
It's a narky go round_ everyone is on the narky merry go round.
I have deep respect for people with NPD who can become more self aware and accept and commit to working towards remission
"Dr" Ramani traumatized me FAR more than my husband. SHE is the one who caused the splitting in my brain. Im thankful that i caught it
There are so many comments here from people with NPD who are genuinely seeking help, I have deep respect for each and every one of you.
I am bpd/cluster b and 100% these disorders are cptsd related. Thank you for not further stigmatizing us. 🙏🙏☺☺
What do you do when you can’t have empathy because your whole life has been marked by individuals in your life hurting you, invalidating, misunderstanding, and dismissing your feelings, along with chronic sustained stress so your ability to regulate is greatly compromised? And the more that others say “they didn’t mean to hurt you”, the more dismissive it feels because it doesn’t acknowledge the persons pain.
6:29 "Where should they turn? To find help that isnt about making them swallow the narrative that theyre terrible people and that the only 'cure' is to basically cease to exist"
damn. i cried. i have gotten so many death threats from people, people telling me i should kms, people telling me that my loved ones and society should leave me to die. even people advocating for genocide of those with NPD. i have heard so many things from "therapists" vilifying us, saying we cant be helped, always putting us down as abusers. no one is willing to treat us. even highly specialised clinics for personality disorders have denied me treatment due to my NPD. "reputable" sources still mention that narcissists "never" seek help, or at the very least are unlikely to.
to have a person specialising in *us*, not helping the people that have to "deal with us" but really us, to have someone, a professional, that understands both the hurt from the disorder and the hurt from the stigma on top of it, really means something. our pain is finally seen. and validated. we are not the monsters society makes us out to be.
all i want is help, all i want is to get better. i am so close to getting very good treatment now and i cant wait to start.
I have deep respect for people with NPD who seek help
thanks for humanizing me sir
I give you credit for taking on this very complex problem. If narcissism is an affliction of deficits rooted in not being seen or properly mirrored in early childhood then there are a lot of parallels between NPD and codependency. Severe emotional trauma through abuse and neglect. It’s the same story. Maybe there is a way where everyone gets helped.
i'm deeply touched, especially after listening to the last part of the video. I can feel those words must have been bubling inside of you for quite some time, since they feel like a taste of a perfectly matured wine to me.
Both of my parents are narcisissts. My dad is overt and my mom is covert. They had very difficult childhoods. They have struggled immensely in their lives due to their dysfunctional/abusive/neglectful family of origins. However, they are very reluctant to get help or accept advice. It's very sad. My sister and I have had to distance ourselves from them to protect ourselves from their abuse. It's a very sad situation.
Run away, stay away, stay happy and populate life with kind people.
Same. It's so hard.
@@Jennaswirly can y'all stop bringing up ur abusers that had NPD (or that you self diagnosed with NPD based on a lot of heavily stigmatising misinformation) every single time NPD is mentioned, this video is about therapy for people with NPD, I would like to watch it without other people making everything about how people with NPD have hurt them. I don't need to see that when I am trying to learn how to help myself. This is stigmatising and unnecessary, I understand that you are a victim and there is a time and a place for you to talk about that experience, but this is not it, and it's inappropriate to blame it on NPD regardless (it was only influenced by, not caused by)
Like respectfully I am a victim too and I would like a space where everyone can recognise that and not feel the need to say anything else for once, because every other second of my life is filled with people saying something else. These are the first videos about NPD I have found that actually seem concerned with me and my wellbeing and my experience, I don't want to see this stuff here. I want for just one second to feel like I am actually important, and not just important because I say so and everyone else is wrong.
@@butasimpleidiotwizard boo freaking hoo. I’ve run out of empathy. I’ll comment where and whenever I please, because guess what your emotional disregulation doesn’t get to control other people’s behavior. So suck it up buttercup.
This has been very touching as ive only recently discovered i have gone through life as a vulnerable narcissist. I dont know how im going to keep going through life anymore but this at least brings some comfort.
Thankyou so much for not making me out to be a monster. I had my first collapse a couple years ago, and TH-cam make me feel like an animal. Some hope!
Youre not a monster!! I love someone with NPD very much. It breaks my heart to see the struggles. For people who claim to be "empaths" they sure don't practice much empathy. Im so sorry for all the stuff you see online. I PROMISE you that it's not true
How do you describe your collapse ?
This is the only place I’ve found that is even trying to help. All the other videos make us seem like willing monsters.
I'm psychologist from Poland and I'm glad about all what you do and that you share your knowledge about narcissism. In Poland is so hard to find psychologists who know hoe to treat narcissism and help people. Their knowledge is just a few sencence and later they are supriced who is difficult to help someone with narcissism.
Thanks for your support and for watching my channel. 🤗
This channel is the best resource for knowledge on the subject of narcissism. I recently became aware that my wife's behavior issues are NPD. All of the other online resources that I have viewed had me believing that the situation was hopeless. They had me extremely angry with her, but under all that anger was empathy FOR HER!! I truly love her and just want her to be well. Thank you for the truth about this disorder.
God bless this Healer in his path of righteousness where no other healer has endeavored to heal and strengthen our children and suffering fellow man.
"Othering" is one reason why I rarely use any variation of the word narcissism.
I am so thrilled to find this! I kept recognizing narcissism in myself when I started hearing the hateful descriptions that are provided by "specialists" online.
I looked into the causes and I immediately started posting content to explain how narcissism is created and how painful this condition is. (In laymen's terms)
I'm not seeing anymore posts condemning narcissists in my FB news feed so I think my message got out.
I've been stagnating in my healing and working towards individuation and autonomy and tonight I'm so thankful I stumbled on to your content. I can continue to work towards becoming able to live now that I have actual knowledge rather than propaganda.
You have changed my life and I have only listened to a few videos tonight. I already know this is going to lead me to the life I've always felt alienated from.
Thankyou for being so understanding and compassionate towards people suffering with this you don’t understand how much we need people like you to feel human. I’ve only recently realised I have a lot of narc traits and searching for help online can make you feel even more stigmatised and demonised. I want to heal more than anything else in life.
Glad you are finding the channel helpful. 🙂❤️
I want to heal for the sake of my children. I don’t want to pass this along yet another generation.
I reached out to a highly trained therapist just last week and he said “narcissists don’t usually seek help”. Scrolling a counseling directory of 100s, all seemed to treat NPD but when you looked closer, it was only for people who had suffered from abuse. So why were the therapists saying that they treated npd when they did not !? Frustrating.
Can you do a show on internal family systems- ‘parts’ therapy?
Hi Dr. Ettensohn, thank you so much for your videos. They give me a lot of clarity around my diagnosis. I was wondering if you could make a video about the psychodynamic of a narcissistic individual who compensates with incest/sexual abuse? Unfortunately, there is very little information out there even though this is known to have a big influence on the development of personality disorders like bpd, npd and cptsd.
I feel that I understand the development and progression of narcissism quite well.
There are not large internet forums where narcissists try to support each other on a path to healing.
Narcissists do not suffer from a chronic lack of empathy. They suffer from lack of control, fear and envy. Lack of empathy is actually quite liberating for them.
The NPD subreddit is an excellent example of such a forum.
@@healnpdYes, that is indeed such a forum, and there appear to be real narcissists on it being honest. I stand corrected.
I appreciate your openness to new information about this disorder. I also appreciate the civil disagreement. Thanks for watching.
A friend just shared your site to me and it’s like you came out of my brain. I’ve been looking for people who are actually in power in the system, diagnosing and and teaching, and not othering these personality disorders. And all neurological differences should be met with a sense of empathy and desire to understand. People get really weird when I start talking about this because well I’m not in the mental health profession at all. Actually, I learned a bunch because apparently I have late diagnosed ASD (been diagnosed with combine type ADHD since nine now 40) and I’ve had multiple doctors make comments that maybe I am borderline personality disorder, or bipolar. Well, being that, I have autism to try to understand not only Myself, but where I was getting it wrong in my interactions with the world. Psychology psychoanalysis therapy, relational, trauma, relationship types, etc. became I mean personal interest.
And I’ve thought about trying to find a way into the system so I can help more because well exactly everything coming out of your mouth, and I am about to cry with happiness that I finally found some more information from somebody who is a professional, who has the same conclusion, I do, which sounds weird I know of people find it full of myself or something it’s just the logical thing to me. And I am of the very emotional type and I’m rambling right now but I just really needed to say how wonderful it is and I’m really excited to dig through everything that you have out and I hope that you keep planting seeds and honestly I hope to maybe be some sort of colleague, one day
I’m glad the channel seems to be what you’ve been looking for. Thanks for watching and for sharing your feedback. I hope to call you a colleague one day. 🙂
My heart is breaking. I was unaware the stigma penetrated the mental health establishment.
Healed ? Do you mean cured from pathological narcissism ??? You and Diana Diamond are the only two therapists who are brave enough to use these words in NPD.
@guyreid8692 - Sounds like I’m in good company. Thanks for watching.
This presentation that the narcissist is suffering from childhood wounds sounds very compassionate, heartening, and optimistic.
It must however remain balanced with the viewpoint that the narcissist are ABUSERS.
Why?
Because the EXPRESSION of narcissistic people is the triangulation, the gaslighting, the future faking, the emotional manipulation and distancing… it’s sheer insanity.
This presentation makes it sound like the narcissist simply needs a hug - and maybe they do- but they’re going to take it for granted!
He’s right - there has been a death in childhood- but then it’s as if a demon took over the shell of the human being that would otherwise have been there.
And how is it possible to get anywhere with a person who LIES about the twisting of events that actually happened??
How can any progress be made by a person that take NO accountability for dismay and anguish in relationships??
And what about the blatant DISRESPECT the narcissist give to their partners?
Therefore, the partners of narcissists receive validation and strength from being able to label the relationship’s interactions as abusive.
I’ve been with a narcissist for three years.
I finally started calling her out on emotional manipulation, raging, DISRESPECT, distancing, etc… and it has helped me keep my equilibrium.
Seeing that she indeed has an emotional wound from childhood makes me equally feel more resilient because I can see where the behavior comes from.
Sometimes though, the narcissistic behavior leads to REAL CONSEQUENCES, and truly makes one wonder if having the relationship is a good idea.
I love her and don’t want anyone else but her so I’m trying to understand by educating myself - it’s working and has essentially kept the relationship going, but the narcissistic abusive behavior is not to be taken lightly.
Thanks for listening and commenting.
I hope you are getting the help you need.
Those who are attracted to (and attract) narcissistic people, often are codependents, people pleasers, who struggle with self worth and boundaries. I’ve even heard the term co-narcissist.
It turns into both people being overly focused on the narcissist and their needs and the other person totally ignored. You become a co-conspirator in this, by self abandoning, self betraying, to keep the relationship going.
I hope you can heal, and make choices that have your own back, and know your value. ✨
Having a relationship with someone who has untreated NPD is never a healthy choice. I too, began calling the abusive behavior out at the 3 year mark. Ten years later, it’s still emotionally abusive. They don’t care if you call them out - it gives them a form of attention to argue with you. There is no way to remain healthy yourself being with an untreated NPD. Don’t fool yourself into believing YOU can help. The only people who can help are the Person with the NPD and a TRAINED therapist in NPD.
you are kind you still lover her the only narcs i feel any empathy for are my parents and little sister no other nars who hurt me do i feel any empathy for i am waiting for karma this channel tries to humanize malignant narcs they are not as mentality ill as this channel makes them look sure they have traumas just like codepenent and borderlines not all traumatized people become heartless they lack moral compas and empathy i sometimes hate the empathy i feel for my parents and little sister they were not that empathic to me i envy narcs cold heart
If you ask them, they would not say that they needed a hug. They don't like attachments.
@@nikiyoussef55 there is nothing to envy about narcs. Plus, what you feel is conscience. You feel bad for them, because you know you are actually better than them and that they suffer in a different way. Sometimes, doing the right thing can mean not listening to your conscience. Justice is more important. Just like you said, many people are traumatized but they do not hurt others at all. If they seeked "revenge" about their trauma, then they would treat the source person of their trauma badly, not other innocent people. It is not even like "i hate men/women and get sensitive about it, because they sexually harass others,too"- it is like "how could *they* do this to one and only *ME*???"
I did think dismissing them completely wasn't right. My husband needs a lot of help. I can feel his suffering and it makes me sad for him.
I prefer the term self esteem juice for "narcissistic supply" myself lmao or, more accurately, externalizing self esteem regulation
"Self esteem juice." I'm stealing this.
Seriously though, I agree that "narcissistic supply" is kind of an icky phrase. I think I verbally scare-quoted it in the episode because I really don't like using it.
@@healnpd Haha please do steal it!
Yeah it's very dehumanizing both for people with NPD and the people around them. It has a place because, in a way, it describes a very real part of the disorder. Just doesn't convey what the underlining reasons behind the need is. Also don't worry I could tell your disdain for it in the vid haha
Kinda unrelated, you mentioned in the video that a lot of healing does happen on your own, which I 100% agree with. Do you think you could made a video on some strategies people with NPD can use to advance their healing between sessions? I think that would be super helpful. Though I do love your destigmatization of the disorder (I frequently mention and direct people towards your channel whenever I can) I think your expertise would also be helpful in our healing. That being said, I do think your efforts to destigmatize are more valuable imo
Also, as a content creator myself, something I think would help your channel grow is a regular posting schedule. Like a video every first of the month or something, and make it clear in the videos/on your channel when that is. Not only does it help the algorithm, but also people who are expecting content for you. Idk what your obligations are like so I'm not sure if that's feasible, but just thought I'd offer the suggestion.
Have a good one! Keep it up!
Thank you for the suggestions! I have struggled to keep a regular posting schedule. I moved to podcasts/audio-only content because it takes less time to record and put together. Also, I’m a bit camera shy. But it still takes at least three hours per episode, and I have a full practice and also an academic job - so time is short. :/
I also appreciate your recommending this channel to folks. It’s been challenging to bring attention to my channel. Early on, I made the mistake of posting one of my videos to the NPD subreddit because it seemed like the logical place to post this stuff, but was quickly reminded about the community policy that only people who identify as pwNPD can post. It was a bit of a fiasco, because the video was about how therapy for narcissism works and people thought I was advertising. I get where they were coming from and see how it could be viewed that way, though it wasn’t my intention. At any rate, I will try your suggestions and thanks for the feedback!
@@healnpd Yeah, I figured it's hard to manage to fit in what is, effectively, a side project. Not to say you aren't passionate about it, but I mean, putting food on the table is very much a priority
I feel it being hard to get your message out there. If you're open to it, I'd love to have you on my channel. I only have 3K subs, but it's better than nothing. My viewers would love it and I think your content is super important. I also have been cultivating some connections I could recommend you to. I'm gonna be on conde nast here by the end of October, if you've ever seen borderliner notes I'm meeting with the main person there on monday. Soft white underbelly also wants me on (3M subs), but I have to figure out my financial difficulties first. And If you've ever heard of Cluster B milkshake (You may not agree with some of the things she says tho) or spirt narc, they're friends of mine who I'm sure would be excited to see you. If you want, email me at jacobtheproud@gmail.com (Also in the description of my channel) if you're open to it!
@@healnpd Also if nothing else, I'd be happy to post your channel to their subreddit lmao
I appreciate the work you are doing. Do you believe that NPD can be impart passed on by birth? I have heard one psychologist speak of this briefly. I feel we have what some may call a generational curse. I can personally go through four generations of narrarsists in my family from my grandmother, my mother, not my grandmother's daughter, my sister and brother, my half sister, down to my daughter unfortunately with three small children that I am aware of. I am greatly empathetic, and the abuses could be extreme. I was 60 before I even began to understand what a narrarsist was. I have found for me that it is almost impossible to find the type of treatment I need that my insurance will pay for, so I can certainly understand how hard it would be for those with NPD to find help, but conmind those that are reaching out for help.
Thank you so much for your videos! 💗
I am looking for help to my sister's ex. He has many problems in relating to the reality. Luckily he is going to therapy all the time and I am very hopeful that he could bean one of those narcissists who can heal (due to seeking help!). My heart is breaking when I am thinking of what he did go through as a small child! 💔
I wish that there was more recognization of the pathology of narcissism and that it can be helped!!!
This is extremely frustrating to me as well. I love a narcissist. Not just trauma bonded, but love her a s the whole prrson she is, flaws and all. And i worry for her and her sons future. And really just want her to be happy and fully love herself and her son, with me or without
Be careful , these people can cause serious physical trauma because of their careless behavior and internal dialogues and lack of empathy for others , and then you maybe left with chronic medical complications to deal with for the rest of your life , unfortunately very few psychologists talk about this very dangerous risk
Thank you for a refreshing perspective
Thanks for watching. 🙂
I tried to make my partner aware of his npd empathetically. But his defences became so strong, he asked 10 of his friends that whether they find him narcassist or not. All of them denied. When he is not wiling to accept, how can he ever seek therapy. What sort of shock is required to waken him up through this delusion
There are some things you can change, and many things you can’t. Your partner’s decisions about his own mental health and the way he wants to live his life is squarely in the category of things you can’t change. You’ve raised your concerns (probably on numerous occasions and using numerous different approaches). He doesn’t agree with you. It’s hard to allow people to make their own decisions when we think they are making a poor choice and we care about them. But your partner is (I’m assuming) an adult and he gets to choose what is best for him. Your choice is determining what to do with his decision. Thinking that we can “shock” others into agreeing with us is it’s own kind of delusion. My best recommendation for you would be to seek out your own support to help you decide what is best for you.
I am 31 years old. Just last week I binge watched the HBO TV Series "East Bound & Down" starring Danny McBride..... it was my damn trigger. My wake up call BIG TIME. I am now commenting on this video here and confessing things to myself and keeping watch over my actions and words towards others. Hopefully this show can be the "wake up call" for many others. I watched the show alone, depressed, and destroyed..... as I have been so many many times before.
Please keep up the posts. Yours are so helpful.
Thank you for your feedback and encouragement. :-)
Thank you thank you thank you!
You are so welcome!
Your content here is life-saving. Thank you so much! Given that narcs can feel untrusting and that they alone can fix things, how are they able to have a trusting, healing relationship with the therapist/analyst? Anything can come across as incompetence or betrayal
It's hard to understand how people that supposedly have plenty of empathy seem to be full of hatefulness and coldness about certain groups of people
And it's an ever-increasing trend. Especially with the influx of "tolerance" preaching activists aggressively refusing to tolerate what they deem to be "intolerant" people...it's textbook othering, and the irony of it is lost in translation.
narcs ruin lives people cant continue with empathy when narcs torture them years
Very helpful, thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
@@healnpd , I know you've stated that a loved one can't provide that relationship, but do you think it's possible if the loved one is themselves trained in such kind of work? In other words, is it possible to learn such techniques to help your narcissist heal?
@@healnpd, would appreciate hearing your thoughts on this.
@nemishasharma5737 - I don’t think it’s a viable strategy. I think loved ones can be very helpful in support of the person’s treatment. However, healing pathological narcissism and NPD requires the boundaries and safeguards of a therapy relationship.
@@healnpd thank you so much
Thank you Mark for your information, I don’t classify as cluster B personality but I’m currently recovering from cPTSD and I have to agree with you. As on my path to finding myself I was educating myself on you tube videos about narcissism and this is my perception only- videos on dr.Ramani wasn’t my taste to be honest. It was “ master class- difference between narcissists,sociopaths and psychopaths “ she was lecturing to public as- cluster A- mad, cluster B- bad and cluster C- sad and I wrote her in comments section “ I’m not from any of this field of psychology but do you realise that this video is made for all public and if any of will view themselves as” mad, bad or sad” is extremely unprofessional and unhelpful to anyone as some people will be diagnosed or misdiagnosed with any of these clusters and feel that they don’t want to seek help from professionals as they going to be viewed like this! And you are dr. Rama I- dr. of psychology- really? It’s ashamed! People who suffer NPD are people too and they really trying to get help. So so sad.
"mad, bad or sad"
Correct! I am a schizoid leaning schizotypic, and I already have enough being called strange and a weirdo in my life
so helpful wow thank you i’ll be contacting you for help 💜
Yeah I guess "narcissist" kind of got conflated with "predator" somewhere along the line. In truth that is only a small portion of the group.
Thank you. Great approach!
Could you please make a video on covert narcissism and motherhood? Both from parent's perspective and child's perspective?
NOW i understand all the hateful or negative comments about "the narcissistic supply"...
the point about not being able to give what you don't have--empathy--made me cry.
THANK YOU for encouraging me to continue trying to be there for ... a wounded child who is an adult called a narcissisist.
I have come to wonder how Freud's personal struggle with narcissism may have played a role in the general rejection of his work. I recall reading or hearing excerpts from correspondence between Freud and a collegue (I think it was his publisher.) describing how he was struggling with the concepts. Perhaps his own ego was confounding the evolution of his theory. That seemed to be the suggestion of the account.
Do you have this on Spotify? Everything you say is helpful.
Can you recommend some good resources when doing our own research into NPD?
Amazing Video
My problem is, I never knew I had a problem.
I have a question regarding empathy. I have always believed I am very empathetic and I think I can put myself in the shoes of other people. I used my empathy more in a way to gauge what ppl responded positively to decided what actions I would do and anything that got (what i imagined to be negative feed back as a sign of what not to do.
And that's how I began creating my persona. I don't use it anymore....then again that part of my life was completely alienated. I recognize myself in the descriptions and my caregiving situation was filled with rejection anger abuse and neglect. I guess I'm trying to say is it true I can't feel empathy or is it possible I'm not really feeling how others feel when I imagine what they've experienced. Or maybe I don't understand empathy correctly?
Hey, Jodi. I think you're poking around at the difference between affective empathy and cognitive empathy. Let's just say that "empathy" is a general understanding of the emotional state of others. Affective empathy is you, yourself being emotionally affected by the emotional state of another. For example, a friend has a parent die and deeply, deeply feels the loss. Affective empathy is your feeling the same sorts of feelings. Cognitive empathy is being logically aware of the emotional state of another while not being emotionally affected yourself.
"I used my empathy more in a way to gauge what ppl responded positively to decided what actions I would do . . ." that SOUNDS like cognitive empathy, not affective empathy, but please keep in mind, I am not a therapist; I'm just a dude on the Internet.
You know what? I think I'm out growing being able to be manipulated by worrying about other people's feelings like I used to. For a long time I felt responsible for how others felt and I have just been learning that we don't cause other people's emotions. Which is very empowering because I can just take care of myself now and not be guilted into having to care for ppl who present themselves as victimized. And I don't blame my emotions on other people anymore which gives me the personal agency over my own life which is very liberating.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INTRODUCING TO US DONALD WINICOTT THE MORROR EXPLANATION OPENED THE DOOR 2 ME TO UNDERSTAND A MAN I PARTED WITH NO HATE BUT I AM GLAD IT ALL MAKE SENSE NOW I AM ALSO GLAD TO REALIZE THAT BY LETTING HIM GO I WAS NOT SELFISH AND THAT HE NEEDS A THERAPIST NOT AN EMPATHIC GIRL FRIEND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW
Hi sir, this is a amazing video and very helpful, when you said its difficult to find a Doc. For NPD, i can relate, i am from India and trying to find help for my husband, everyone is like go first book a session and pay this amount ....feels like this is all about money, still not able to find any help....if are taking patients or you know someone who can help, please help me. I was with him for very short time 4 months only, and we are taking divorce on 8 feb 2024, i know he is not a bad person, and i really want to help him, but not able to find a way.
Nicely done!! Will you be taking on your industry with your information?
Thanks
I think problem is that narcissists don’t think they have a problem to seek help for , they would rather pretend to be a victim and if one has not experienced a narcissistic relationship , I’m not sure they can understand the dynamics involved , in order to treat effectively .
Deal with the Fear and the trauma it causes and I think you have come along way to dealing with the issue.
Could you give an estimate of how long therapy takes on average for npd? And maybe how successful it is?
I tell patients that they should expect at least a year of regular weekly or biweekly visits before we can expect to find some traction. Much of that time is spent building trust and creating a relational and psychological foundation that will make future leaps possible.
@@healnpd makes sense. Thank you.
@@MsMirrorA year of therapy is just the starting point IMO from my direct experiences with people suffering from NPD or narcissistic tendencies.. according to Dr Elinor Greenberg a brilliant narcissism expert who writes excellent articles on Quora and Psychology Today, mentions that it requires anywhere between 5-10 years, depending on the individual. The reason why it's difficult for pwNPD to heal fully is the length of commitment needed to unravel the roots of the maladaptive thinking/behaviour and replace it with healthier responses and new ways of functioning, so that they can regulate themselves and avoid hurting others with their invalidating behaviour. To develop awareness and empathy takes time and a willingness to practice new healthier approaches. To breakdown their egoic defenses is extremely complex challenging work, to get in touch with their real, true self and be vulnerable is scary for them. It's a slow, long process.. no one that I know has recovered or healed yet but I'm hoping they will if they persist with the treatment and do the necessary work.
The problem is this doctor is full and how to find a doctor who is actually of truthfully understanding and won’t make things worst. It is so hard to convence the ti seek for treatment and when you do you can’t offer them real help.
How do you help them?
Therapy.
What is the success rate for healing a narc ?
I am about to try to go to school for counseling. I hope I can overcome my trauma from narcissistic abuse enough to help them. I am getting far enough in my healing process to accept how much pain my abuser is in and that he did the best he could. Badly, yes, but he tried.
Why do narcissists harm ?
Why does anyone with a personality disorder harm? Poor impulse control, extreme emotional and mood lability, distorted perception of self and others, tendency to interpret malice or bad intentions on the part of others when none exists, poor boundaries, tendency to take most things personally, inflexible and limited coping skills, history of relational trauma and abuse, poor interpersonal communication skills, etc.
It’s important to keep in mind that ‘narcissism’ is not synonymous with ‘abuse.’ Narcissism is a disorder characterized by poor self esteem regulation. Sometimes, that issue leads people to compensate for a poor self image by trying to dominate, manipulate, bully, or devalue others. But narcissists can also ‘act inwards’ by abusing, bullying, and devaluing themselves. This is one of the reasons why narcissism is correlated with depression, substance abuse, and suicide. I have worked with many narcissists who most people would simply consider to be depressed or socially anxious. The ‘narcissist bogeyman’ of internet fame is a distortion. Narcissism is a mental illness, and like any mental illness, it causes suffering both for the individual and for those around them.
@@healnpd I wish I had you’re insight . I would like to expand that empathy to my undiagnosed but suspect NPD ex’s who wounded me enough to have me diagnosed with PTSD . The narcissist boggy man is very real I dated 2 of them and they did me tremendous harm psychologically , emotionally and financially. My sons father being the first ended up abandoning me at 19 and our 3 year old son after years of abuse in various forms . I understand the empathy but I also see how damaging these damaged people are .
I'm sorry, do you have any recommendation for a website to seek online therapy for npd?
Dear Dr. Why there are so many around the internet to treat narcissistically abused people
and not narcissist . Bcos as you know very few narcissist opt for therapy but on the contrary almost every abused individual would be interested. Therefore they stigmatize the narcissism to be on the same page with the affected individual.
Narcs mood can change in a millisecond over misconstrued comments
and then ghost for months only to surface again, beaming as nothing ever occurred 🤔
They are human alright, but don't suffer from
empathy or gratitude but with an eye for cunning conning and guile ie
'love bombing'
I have experienced this personally and seen her shouting at other folk😉
I appreciate the differentiated look on this topic, but I can only go so far with agreeing to view NPD-people as victims. I think of my dad. He likes to sexually abuse his wife, verbally abuse his stepdaughter, physically abuse his other son and slander others like me myself. There is no forgiving this. There is no empathy left from my side. He is the worst person I know and he does terrible things, just for him to feel superior. He had a horrible childhood, but there has to be responsibility.
The point of the video is not to view pwNPD as victims. While it is true that most people with personality disorders experienced relational trauma (as well as other forms of trauma) when they were young, that does not mean that you or anyone else should view them as ‘victims.’ They are people, just like you and me. They are complex, with complex histories and complex reasons for their behavior. The point of my channel is to help people understand pathological narcissism and NPD as forms of mental illness, with discernible causes, contributing factors, presentations, and treatment approaches.
I can’t speak to your father. Maybe he has NPD, maybe he doesn’t. Was he evaluated and diagnosed by a mental health professional? LOTS of people out there with little or no training in psychology have armchair diagnosed someone in their lives as ‘having NPD’ based on videos they saw or articles they read. Diagnosis is actually much more complicated than going down a checklist. It’s why you need to be licensed to do it. People don’t know what they don’t know, and they often mistake other difficult presentations for NPD. Don’t know if that’s your story, but it’s common enough that it’s worth mentioning.
@@healnpd Again, I appreciate your response. First off, he has been diagnosed with NPD by a therapist who, because of this, refused to work with him. I don't know her area of expertise but from my armchair perspective, it seems to fit. The thing is, I feel that there is a need for discussing the relationship between NPD and individual responsibility. For a long time, I felt sorry for him. I made excused for his behaviour and tried my best to understand where he was coming from. I think understanding is important, but at some point, there is an end to it. I don't even care anymore what's wrong with him. We all have a responsibility of doing better and with him just indulging in his tendencies, I cannot help but to judge. If all people acted like him, there would be no good in this world. Especially if we experienced terrible thing, I believe that it is our duty to strive to be better. He does not. The only person he cares about is himself.
Thanks for your reply. I’m glad to know he was actually assessed and diagnosed. Here’s my (broad) perspective on this sort of thing: I don’t think you owe him anything. If he was hurtful to you and your family, then I think you have every right not to extend any compassion or generosity in his direction. The fact that someone is mentally ill does not, in and of itself, necessitate any charity on your part.
I emphasize boundaries on this channel. You are entitled to set and maintain whatever boundaries feel good to you, as long as they aren’t infringing on another person’s rights. Your father isn’t entitled to your time or attention. Those are gifts that you can choose to extend should you wish. We are each responsible for the consequences of our actions. A consequence of being abusive to your family is that your children may decide they want nothing to do with you when they are grown. Hope this helps.
@@healnpd Thanks a lot, I appreciate it. And it does help! :)
@@healnpdI agree with this commenter there needs to be a discussion and series of videos helping pwNPD understand the importance of personal responsibility/accountability as part of their healing. I hope you create some content around this theme. I appreciate that understanding needs to be built up regarding NPD as a mental illness and to counter the stigmatizing content but hopefully you can do more proactive videos? Compassion and empathy are necessary but balanced with the necessary work of how to change their maladaptive thinking/behaviour into more healthy/humble ways of functioning. Appreciate all your efforts on this channel to help raise awareness and understanding of NPD as a mental health issue. I hope it inspires pwNPD to get the help that they need.
What are you talking about?? My life has been shattered by a narcissist. A person who, if I showed them this video, I’d be begging them to talk to me again. And that I’m sorry.. she doesn’t want help. Won’t hear about getting help. Things are working for them
Yep, they hate vulnerability as well. Also, it is like they enjoy "being a victim".
NPD would not get help or take advice from any source. I had to leave for my safety.
Thick.
Now - to get my rights???
Empathy makes them worse. Because the entitlement makes them feel that your kindness is because of their godlike wonderful grandiosity. It's not othering... you can be the perfect mother they never had, and that compassion will lead to intimacy that will lead to expectations. Then comes the rage. How do you teach empathy? This didnt give actual ways of helping the narcissist. And often it's the father that traumatizes the child the focus on the mother is quite oldschool. I know it was stressed "caregiver" not just mother yet mother is constantly used. Sometimes there is an Oedipus aspect in these situations if you dig deep. Too much love and not enough love has been blamed for narcissism.
My mother was a malignant sadistic narcissist who physically abused me.
I am not a narcissist, I am a schizoid and here for the research.
You seem to have some really big problems if you make it about men vs. women.
It's your personal problem, deal with it by yourself.
No need to defend female abusers who make 50 % of the population.
They get away with abuse too often just for being women.
If one person are narsist, its a personality value thats in everybody. Hidden or shown. To got your narssisms hidden, you can change that to some oposite to narssisms. Loyality, emphaty. Understanding, accepting. We all human being got narssismis in our emotional intelligence. In some its hidden as not nessesary. Some that have got it provocated it on the shown quality in your personality.
Let's just call it egoism.
Narcissism is a disorder.
@@Wasp239 why cant change it to good style, self confidence and temperary disorder. All emotions need the oposite emotion to got a motivation. And keep all emorions in control. With the difference with that we have with our loved one, and let all good emotions free.
I can empathize with npd but compassion is a trap. The moment you feel sorry for one of these... npc's, they eat you. I struggle to live everyday because of the relationships Ive had with them. I can't see them being helped without killing everyone who trys. Theres no one home to accountable.
They do not feel sorry for the other part, then why would I do that for them?
@@addlecrux5981 I think it depends on the situation. I see a lot of people in these comments who want to grow.
Although I understand the sceptical viewpoint, I would have that too.
12:56 so there are only 2 types of therapists? Sounds like black/white thinking right there! What about a more nuanced kind of thinking like combining all aspects of narcissism?
@ShaaRhee - This is not an example of black and white thinking. NPD is heavily stigmatized and misunderstood. Seeing a therapist who does not have a compassionate understanding of the disorder could be harmful to the patient. Thanks for watching.
@@healnpd of course, a therapist should be compassionate, I didn't dispute this, but I'm still holding on to my initial argument.
So let’s coddle the cluster B they’re not dangerous
.... we discovered ourself with the interaction to other people ...AND with our own TEMPERAMENT!!!!!!!!- AGGRESSION, ENVY ETC.... STOP MOTHER BASHING
Sure, temperament is a significant factor. I’ve mentioned that in multiple videos, if not this one specifically. I’m also careful to note that caregiver =\= mother. I explicitly state this in most of my content.
you know, I shouldn't have to go through this. Why the hell am I finding this shit now? oh no couldn't have found something before I lost my job and ran out of money, lets taunt me by showing me this now when I'm about to become homeless and loser forever, now I get to know something could have helped but it's too late
The lack of helpful info about this disorder is why I started this channel. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time. I wish you the best and hope things begin to improve for you.
It's never too late. Don't give up.
I knew back then I shouldnt trust Sam Vaknin when he said to me that psychoanalysis is colossal waste of time. But to hear it from you gives me some hope at least. Im visiting psychoanalytist in Prague for more than a year now 3 times a week. He is very old and at least he doesnt provide with ideas how should I change myself/ improve myself like my mother did. Even now I really refuse to tell her about my problems, because she never listen, she just feel the need to correct me so she wouldnt come up as a bad mother. She never really gave me freedom of choice, she overprotected me and therefore I never learned to trust my own decisions.. Psychoanalysis is tedious and very long process, if you want quick fix, try CBT, but in my mind, if there is something wrong deep deep down, you need to fix the core. You cant fix the core by changing superficial stuff.
Investing in living life more consciously is always worthwhile, IMO. Glad you are giving depth work a try. I hope you find what you are looking for.