I have unfollowed the content creators hating on people with a problem. It always felt a little off putting to be honest. Thanks for capturing the nuance of real life.
I told a friend that I had NPD, and his response was "You are not a narcissist. You are a good person." I'm glad you're putting this information out there because the misconceptions have been promulgated so much that we are essentially considered to have the "bad person disorder".
People don't realize how many of the people they admire and aspire to be like are narcissistically organized. Who else is so strongly driven to be "good" in a way that is memorable to others?
..when my childhood "friend" told me i asked her:"..that s why you didn t share the sleeping bag while we were camping at 17yo & you let me freeze..etc. I didn t need some diagnosis to know so maybe your friend doesn t know you. We never were true friends bcs of different needs. Why would i spend empathy & emotions, even time at listening to stories based on fantasy? & knowing she ll never do anything for me? She isn t "bad" the malignant type but she doesn t feel like doing anything for anyone. I don t understand why NPD ppl bother about the stigma as we live in narcissistic societies. How don t you see that? That s why they aspire to be like actors..don t you see the similarity?
this is so interesting because i am by and large a recluse, I don't interact much with others and when I do I make sure to be polite. idk if i would be considered high-functioning because i am so deeply afraid of hurting others due to the shame that would incur but i am consumed by these narcissistic thoughts, i simply do not voice them because they conflict with the ideal self i want to project to others. I simply see myself as an object to be evaluated by others. my one goal at every moment, in any interaction and even in my moments alone when i turned to fantasy, was to be liked (while at the same time believing deep down that i was not worthy of love and that those who loved me only did because they were lesser in some way or just had poor judgement - because in order for you to see value in something of low value, you must be of even lower value. shameful to admit but it is how i felt). i had no conception of myself outside of what others saw (what i believed others saw, to be more precise). i speak in the past tense because i am beginning to get in touch with authentic feelings that arent internalised from my projections onto others. it makes me immensely sad and also a bit afraid just seeing how delusional I've been most of my life. i hope one day to connect genuinely with other human beings and learn to love and be loved, not as an object that has been deemed effective at its purpose, but just because I "am", i hope to love others for the same reason.
It's so inspiring to see that others have similar feelings to mine. I have some narcissistic tendencies, and my partner is clinically diagnosed with NPD. Neither of us are "bad people", but when we argue, which is daily, we both tend to resort to saying hurtful things to each other.
Wow. I was unsure about this channel at first, just because of how prevalent stigmatizing information on NPD is. But this…made me feel incredibly seen. I almost felt as if I was about to cry. Every word you said about that lower spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder hit the nail on the head for me. I’ve been struggling with imposter syndrome about how I feel and feeling like I’m not ‘narcissistic’ enough to be seen as valid. But this made me realize that, even if my struggles are not quite the same as others, I still know it’s incredibly disruptive to my life and I’m just as valid as others.
If you're lower on the spectrum, you're that much more receptive and able to work on using healthier coping mechanisms. Be proud of yourself for being aware. The lower levels of it are still really hurtful to those you're in close relationships w/. My ex of 10 years is likely lower on the spectrum. Which is why we somehow made it 10 years. I hope he gets to your point of being willing to work on it. I got out 6 months ago, but I'm concerned about the next woman he'll get involved w/. I also understand he's suffering w/ shame and self doubt too. Those that have loved these people need to care for ourselves as well.
Dude, as someone who probbaly has a high function (after years of self inquiry and psychological work) You have no clue how validating, accepting and objectively ifnormational your channel is. Your a hell of a resource. Really glad I came across your channel and I think you bring a really refreshing and practical perspective to narcissism. Thank you!
@@healnpd It's kind of wild that you're just about the only person out there who actually shows any sort of sympathy/empathy for people with NPD. As you've discussed elsewhere, most information about NPD is about how others can "survive" being around us. When we already feel like we're intrinsically bad people, it's pretty shit to know that the rest of the world thinks that not only are you beyond help, but that you don't actually deserve help because you have a fundamentally evil personality.
@@sweet2sourr That's great that the word is getting around. I was going on Mental Healness and Raw Motivations looking for answers and healing after 10 yrs w/ someone who has some level of the disorder. I'll start spreading the word there. Dr. Ramani's channel is a cesspit of victimhood and blaming and I wasn't comfortable there at all.
Recognized myself in all of this, but it 100% impacts my relationships in a more negative and disruptive manner. (Not an abusive person who let's me splitting do harmful things. Since splitting is a thought process rather than an action, it's my choice on how I act in response to splitting.)
You may just have a Narcissistic personality style then. I know a lot of people like that, but if it was pathological, you’d have no control or “choice” in how you behave when you split, because you wouldn’t know it was happening. When in a relationship, splitting happens suddenly, without warning. You’ll idealize your partner, thinking she’s/he’s the most amazing, perfect person ever. Then suddenly, they change. You see their behavior as “all bad”. You believe they’re subtly insulting you, attacking you all the time and being cold. It doesn’t stop there. You begin to look back on memories you had, then paint the past in the same color of “all black” or “all bad”. You may even become paranoid, thinking she/he has always been like this. You connect the dots of the past with the present and you start to see them as manipulative. If they’ve always been like this, they must’ve lied and tricked you. The subtle insults and attacks continue, getting worse and worse, so you realize they’re actually malicious and cruel. You may call them out on it, interrogate them, attack them for their actions and then become confused and angry when they deny it, they call you crazy and you need help. So you think they’re gaslighting you, trying to make you feel crazy. What I just described is Splitting. It’s what Narcissistic Abuse really is, commonly referred to as “Devaluation stage”. Which is actually a DSM-5 trait for BPD, but is common among personality disorders. You can’t control it on your own, you can’t stop it, because it’s a cognitive distortion. Your actual perception is distorted and changed. I’ve done this In relationships, treating my partner as an evil, malevolent thing, because that’s how I perceived her actions. I wanted it to go away, I wanted it to stop. I pleaded with her to just tell me that it’s “just me” and I’ll try to just trust her, but you can’t. It’s traumatic af. For both people, but particularly the one suffering from the Splitting, because it’ll happen with everyone they get close to. Every time they fall in love, every close friendship, every interest or hobby they have longterm, every job they have with their coworkers and bosses. It’s a living hell. I’m more aware of it now than I’ve ever been, but I know it’ll happen again, I just take precautions to limits the causalities. I don’t date. I don’t have close friendships. I don’t let anyone in too close. I isolate mostly. It’s lonely and depressing being a Narcissist. Also.. This is why when I find myself watching these narc abuse survivor videos and reading the comments in these groups, that I really start to wonder… Because this kind of sounds familiar, doesn’t it? They come across so many narcs in their life, but NPD is rare, 1-3% of the population… Just food for thought. Lol
Yup they congregate to deflect and play victim.. most out there NPD's take way more accountability and seem Psycopathic in their self concept and rationalizing. 😂
Very insightful video, thank you. You said something that resonated with me because the topic came up in my therapy session. "being good enough for just being the person that you are". I am still struggling with this if I'm being fully transparent. I don't understand how someone can have worth for just, being? People having inherent worth feels strange and foreign to me. Like, Who has worth just because they had the misfortune of being born? I know it's not a healthy thought. But it's confusing to grapple with. You are only what you achieve and earn. Again I recognize it as being pathological and wrong, but I really don't understand how that makes sense to people. Reagrdless thank you again for the video. Have a good day and keep up the good work
When I was young, my dad used to remind me frequently that I was the only “me” who would ever exist. There has never been anyone exactly like me before, and there never will be again. Same goes for you, and for each of us. No being has ever had your unique set of experiences, and therefore no being has ever had your unique perspective on the universe. Each of us is here for a brief moment and then gone for an eternity. If we were talking about jewels, precious metals, or rare pieces of art, the argument would be simple and compelling. “This is a one-of-a-kind…it’s priceless.” Same goes for you.
@lps buzakia Perhaps the word 'unique' is a better fit. Each of us is unique. There is no other you, and there is no other me. There are all sorts of contextual indicators of value or 'specialness' that we might associate with a person. These will always be, to some extent, arbitrary. In some settings, wealth is important. In others, beauty, or fame, or influence, or talent, or skill, etc. There is no universal measure of specialness, worth, or value. Some people covet wealth, power, or beauty, while others can't be bothered and are invested in other qualities. Therefore, any argument for personal worth or value that proceeds from these arbitrary qualities is necessarily inadequate.
@Ms. Mirror I can't speak for anyone else, but this is the only way I can love. When I say I love someone because they exist, it's because I love how their abilities, interactions, or presence, affects either me or the environment around me. Everyone is built with an unique assortment of traits, skills, foibles, and preferences. Like an incredible piece of art. When you see people this way, and understand each piece affects every other piece, it's hard not to love them. It might lack the passion people seem to need in love. And it isn't dependent on any sort of reciprocity. But I'd still protect them, and want the best for them, just because they exist. Their existence is necessary, beautiful, and uniquely valuable. Even if it has nothing to do with me. I don't know how else to explain it. It's the only love I've known. I hope this makes more sense now.😊
@@MaryDunfordI understand what you’re saying. I love every human because of the exciting adventure they present. The experiences and life, the perspective of love and loss, their story and impact or even lack of impact fascinates me-I’m in awe of everything and everyone and that feeling of awe is love ❤
I'm also on guard and I'm not a narcissist. I scored the highest level of having paranoid disorder. ALso schizoid and avoidant, but zero on narcissism, histrionic and dependant. I'm here because I was raised by narcissists, and it twisted my perception.
"they tend to employ characteristic ways of defending themselves. and the main ones are idealization and devaluation. narcs tend to believe that they must be perfect to be ok so they naturally see the the world through a sort of polarized lens, where things are either perfect or worthless. just like a hungry person sees the world in shades of food and not food, and a thirsty person sees the world in shades of water and not water" 11:04
Can see my narcissist ex husband in another light but not going to rescue him, he is on his own path and has been EXTREMELY ABUSIVE so not going back but can see clearly it stems from childhood trauma and living with an alcoholic narcissist Father and a Mother who was submissive over lack of money, my ex husbands Father never died he lives on through my ex husband EXACTLY THE SAME CHARACTER, it's frightening to see him sabotage his own life and thinks there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM, it's everyone's else's fault, sooo SAD to live the way they do and the destruction it causes.
It is really sad if they won't seek help. We can sympathize, but there comes a time when that can only be at a safe distance. I do relate to having compassion, but it needs to be me first now. In the last year or so of my 10 year relationship, I thought we could work things out when I caught him cheating and that I could meet him part way in healing our relationship. He saw that as a chance to go right back to it, figuring I would enable. Kicked him out 6 months ago and though he largely understands, he thinks I should give it yet another chance. Trust is broken and I doubt he'll ever get help. He's lower on the spectrum if he has NPD, but the lies and gaslighting were like the blender treatment at the end.
@@tonyconnor5691 They don't mean to prey on that. They are looking for understanding, just like the rest of us. I don't think it's all maliciously on purpose, but eventually there needs to be a cut off when things get too painful for us. It's painful for them too, but they have to be willing to deal w/ that pain and get help, so they can stop the destructive cycles.
I'm not terribly disruptive to others, but there is a constant war going on in my head and trying to keep my cool is a rapid drain on my mental resources. I do not behave aggressively towards my interlocutor - never, dare I say? - but any belittling or anger directed at me makes me secretly want to rip that person to shreds - fantasies which I share with my borderline GF. My methods of aggression are more subtle, and consist largely of vocal tone changes, passive-aggressive sarcasm, and disgusted facial expressions. Splitting is big, but I rarely have a genuinely high opinion of others in general - most people are background noise - and the need to feel above all my peers takes precedence over any of that fawning nonsense. Still, this roguish Transatlantic accent I put on solved so many charisma issues I used to have about being uninteresting and invisible. I am naturally inclined to be particularly friendly towards law enforcement and managers, but I also have a heavy distrust of people who are stern in their authority. Self-esteem fluctuations? Extreme to say the least. I hide my vulnerable side, because nobody likes a sob story, so I end up coming off as a gruff, stoic cowboy in downer times. The voices of my introjects are intense and strike painfully at my heart at every attempt at a triumphant thought here. During a grandiose state, I am far more extroverted and theatrical, and as you described, I feel more in touch with the ideal person I've always wanted to be. I cherish memories of those fine hours and wish I could find a way to stay grandiose without the help of psychoactives or a sycophant or two.
It sounds like you're more disruptive than you think you are. I hope you get to the point where you don't wish to stay grandiose. It's an unhealthy coping mechansim. Staying level and finding healthy ways to nourish your ego would be the preferred goal.
I just left a comment urging you to write a book, and here you have already written one. I will now go look for a way to translate it. Thank you for your approach to this issue.
I can't believe this channel hasn't got 500k+ subbies. This is an amazing channel. I hope you get what you deserve one day! I don't have NPD but I might be slightly on the spectrum. You teach me a lot of things, thanks a lot :)
Thank for making a channel that makes it feel safe to acknowledge and entertain one's own narcissism. Other channels make me feel terrified to even contemplate the idea!
This explains so much. I am unraveling a 10-year marriage where I believe my ex is low on the npd spectrum. While I educated myself in his issue though, I recognized that I had many of them too, just not as severe. Maybe that’s why we clicked in the first place - we shared a similar world view so to speak. Only his perspective had no room for me to thrive and it felt like he needed to destroy me somehow.
Finding you and your channel is a breath of fresh air, amongst the stigmatising witch hunt that the web has decided to engage into against narcissism. Thank you. I have been researching obsessively on narcissism, as I have a few traits that make me think I am on the spectrum. I have spent over two years with a sense of worthlessness because of fearing to have NPD. My psychodynamic therapist keeps saying I should not focus on labelling my own life and experience with any diagnosis, that it's not helpful for my healing and can be a further stumbling block. But I keep going back to reading and watching videos about NPD, as I feel there's a key there. I don't know if you can recommend anything in response to this. Thank you.
Hi. i don't know if you would notice this but i can totally relate with you obsessively searching about narcissism. i've been doing that for years and especially these past few days/weeks.
@@yuandyuan1111 Hello Yuan, yes though I have to say I have decreased my obsession at last. I have come to the resolution that everyone is on a spectrum of narcissism, and that it only becomes pathological in a minority of cases. Once you start recognising the unhelpful, self-destructive, destructive and unpleasant traits of the narcissistic side of your personality, it's not useful anymore to fixate on a diagnosis or the label itself. It's much better to find helpful ways to research, observe, accept and then release when possible your internal patterns. To me the mindfulness model is very helpful. As it is the concept of pendulation (from Somatic Experience) and self-kindness, self-compassion.
@@burntoats Hi. that's good that you have decreased your obsession about npd. i wish i could come to that too. i don't fully understand your comment because i'm still at my phase where i'm literally slow and kind of retarted (makes me believe that i'm on the lower spectrum of npd) i'm becoming more hopeless about my healing. it sucks when you are getting worse as the day goes by and you don't know what to do about your bad and toxic behavior. i'm still waiting for my mom's update about a mental health professional to have a consultation, but i'm afraid that the doctor might just recommend pills. and i saw the doctor's post about bpd and npd, i'm afraid that he's also demonizing and stigmatizing both PD's.
@@burntoats i don't know if i make any sense about my reply because it's really difficult for me to construct a sentence, especially when i'm talking verbally. but any chance that we could talk? like on ig or something? i'm very desperate about my condition. thank you in advance if ever
@@yuandyuan1111 Hello Yuan, I'm sorry things are so difficult, and I think I can partly relate, although I must be much older than you are. I'm not sure I could help in any way though, as I've got my own struggle and I don't want to give you any unhelpful advice. I would really recommend to find a counsellor that can support you, and if you have to go through your mum's, please make her understand how unwell you feel and how important this is to you. Also, there might be charities in your city/town that help with mental health support? I'm sorry not to be more helpful, but I'm not a professional or particularly wise, and I think you need help from someone who really know what they're doing. Big hug and best wishes. PS The only thing I can add is that by the sound of your messages, you are worried about your behaviour and mental health, and this means that a big part of you wants healing: that's probably the best way to start! So please trust that you have it inside you to heal.
Thank you Dr Mark, I am so happy I found your channel. I went through several of your videos and I feel aligned with your professional opinions and statements. Initially when I started researching this topic, to understand narcissists behaviour a bunch of other TH-cam channels were suggested to me. Although it fed my internal strive for external validation I was not satisfied in general approach of generalising and making propaganda videos about NPD. If it is a disorder then professionals in the field should approach this through facts and findings rather than creating stories. Thank you once again.
Hi, loving the podcast, very insightful and validating towards handling the seemingly selfish symptoms in my life. An additional thank you for uploading it to TH-cam as well. even the best npd content seems to attract a lot of victims in the comments,, it feels so seen to relate to the perspectives of your audience. My self awareness is constantly thrown back at me and it’s so isolating. here I can finally confirm at least a personal observation of my thought patterns in order to help find the right path to care for it, because I’m literally not the only one anymore
Made a whole dummy account because I'm genuinely scared of people finding out that there's a high likelihood that I have NPD. It's a possibility I've considered on and off for years, but has been written off time and time again because I'm "good", which I honestly hated. Attaching morality to PDs has always been really uncomfortable to me (I was [according to my therapist, likely mis]diagnosed with BPD prior to this suspicion). Honestly, I know I can only be diagnosed with NPD by a therapist, but my current one is…a very casual believer in the whole "narcissists are inherently abusive" thing. So. Not super keen on bringing it up. Just keeping this close to my chest. I'm even too scared to tell people I'm close about me because I don't want their view of me to change. I don't want it to be "You can't be a narcissist because you're too nice", and I don't want it to be "Well, now that I know you're a narcissist, I think you're evil", either. There's no way to exist in a way that satisfies me. All that to say, I appreciate you being one of the few people on TH-cam and…really in general? To have resources on NPD that aren't "How to get away from people with NPD because they're Evil and Bad". I know I'm probably a droplet in a sea of comments but I just cannot overstate how much it means that there is at least one place that won't assume I'm evil because I suspect I have this thing, or tell me I don't because I'm "good" in their eyes (not that it doesn't make me feel good to hear it, but again, in the context of assigning morality to PDs, it's frustrating). Keep up the good work.
@unchangeabletruths - Thank you for your comment and for sharing your struggle with the stigma surrounding pathological narcissism and NPD. I agree with you that attaching morality to these issues as an intrinsic component is a mistake. I have worked with all sorts of pwNPD: both narcissists who were predominantly grandiose and ones who presented as vulnerable to the point of extreme fragility. None were inherently 'evil.' They were people who had suffered trauma, abuse, or adverse childhood experiences and who had developed core concerns about self worth. They try to deal with those issues by being or having 'the best,' but inside they felt empty, worthless, and invisible. The online fixation on 'evil narcissists' is mostly just other hurt people trying to figure out what went wrong in their life or relationships and stumbling on bad, sensational, or scandalizing information that seems to provide answers but really just leads them down unhelpful paths. Stick around this channel and a select few others. My best to you as you grapple with these questions.
hi mark. i have a question for you.. first off, i love your videos and they have been extremely helpful for me to better understand myself, so thank you for doing what you do. i admire you for it. i am diagnosed with BPD and i'm very very sure that i have NPD as well but i am unable to get a diagnosis as of right now. i keep trying to be in therapy to work on things and heal, but there are absolutely no therapists here who specialize in NPD which is the thing currently causing the most distress in my life... i never have a good experience with therapists. they either aren't helpful because they don't understand NPD, they invalidate me because i don't fit into their stereotypical idea of a narcissist, they say triggering things which makes me feel worse than when i started the sessions, or they refuse to treat me entirely or quit seeing me once i open up about my struggles. do you have any advice?? i feel like i am truly just swimming in the dark or something here. how am i supposed to try to heal when it seems like nobody wants me to be able to? there is no help for me it seems...
@rdv04 - Thanks for watching and I’m glad to know you find this channel helpful. Sadly, your experiences with therapy are not uncommon. It can be difficult to find quality care - especially when it comes to heavily stigmatized issues like NPD. I made a video called “Answering Questions about Therapy for NPD.” It’s here: th-cam.com/video/ZWKn6n23X6s/w-d-xo.html You might find it helpful if you haven’t already watched it. I make some recommendations for how to locate and screen potential therapists. Best wishes in your search. I hope you are able to find the help and support you need. 🤗
Is there hope for those at the higher end of the spectrum to overcome these deficits? I have really bad self esteem and tend to let it control my thinking / worldview. I meditate a lot and try to be realistic about what others think / my place in the world and it helps a lot.
I’d be interested in knowing your view of media images of disabled (the “supercrip” image) and their contribution to narcissism. I have cerebral palsy, and became obsessed with becoming a syndicated cartoonist largely because cerebral-palsied people don’t do that. I never made it, and that’s mortifying. I feel as though I let my fellow disabled down.
It’s honestly a bit funny, I suspect my mom of NPD/traits and she’s a theatre director and actor it honestly makes sense that a narcissist might prefer that career when you think about it. She loves to be center stage and is particularly good at playing the biggest, baddest, most dramatic of villains (her preferred role). She teaches theatre as well so her whole life is in the arts. She’s honestly fantastic at what she does.
Very interesting and in some behaviors mentioned in the video if I see myself reflected, I have a doubt, every person with that deficit in the basic sense of self-esteem is in the narcissistic spectrum? that deficit always means narcissism?
I also resonate with me about wanting to look outside for something you can't find inside, I never thought that behavior was associated with narcissism, I only saw it related to low self-esteem, something that is very common in the population, that makes me think how common it can be part of the narcissistic spectrum.
Hello Dr. Ettensohn, Do you have an opinion, or know of any work that touches on Asperger Syndrome being connected to NPD? Do you think it is possible, that a person diagnosed with ASD could in fact be NPD? Or even both? I would be very interested to hear your view or a reference to this subject. Thanks. This video was very insightful. Thank you.
Hi m! I live in China but I'm not Chinese. So I can't reach a therapist here cause I wouldn't understand a word. But I desperately need help because my behavior has been destroying my life. Is there any reliable help online? I would really appreciate some recommendations. Thanks so much for your content.Gives me hope. I'm almost scared to believe I'm not as bad as they say lol. Blessings
Hi! i'm from philippines and also struggling with my behavior because it's really affecting my life in a negative way. I might sound crazy or insane but is there any chance that we could talk? it's a hell for me to be like this, especially not being diagnosed by a mental health professional.
I am pretty sure I have NPD. I am going through Narcissist collapse. I feel like hurting myself, but I also believe in heaven and hell. I'm pretty sure based on research on the bible and Christianity that I can't truly repent. Therefore, I feel like I'm doomed to go to Hell. I feel like I am out of time. I would like to go to therapy but I am under extreme financial stress and other issues. Divorce, move, job loss. I have lost all hope. What should I do?
It’s curious that there are so many self-identified narcissists on this channel. The narcissists I know will never think to look for videos like Dr Ettensohn’s because they don’t believe there is anything about them that needs addressing, let alone identify with these traits.
Might be a psychopath or sociopath with narcissistic traits - those have no problem with self-esteem, therefore no problem with a depression or suicidality, therefore no need to seek help. There are two types of grandiose narcissist - one is psychopath with narcissistic traits (seeking supply, grandiosity, phantasy), the other is a vulnerable narcissist that somehow managed to get near their ego ideal and maintain that image for long enough. The first won't mean to lose their face and anything to obtain their goal, the other will decompensate to a depression and even suicidality under same cirmustances. Some vulnerable narcissists can turn, over time, to a sociopath with blunted emotions, that is similar to primary psychopath, but it is learned over time, while real primary psychopath is born bona fide psychopath.
Hey, I appreciate your content. Just curious cause I’m considering becoming a psychologist to help both NPDs and people who’ve been affected by those with NPD. I have an idea of how to possibly help NPDs if I went into therapy but was wondering if I could run it by you? I was thinking since most of the projection and other tactics NPDs use seem to come from their lack of self esteem/worth, like you said in the video, would it be possible that affirmations specifically targeting their core self beliefs could help NPDs be more responsive in therapy? Like what if the first protocol was they affirmed “I am enough” “I matter” “I am lovable” and “I am a good person” until they became beliefs and then those beliefs replaced their other self loathing beliefs. Would they then be more open to therapy and introspection?
@lizardluminals9324 - Personality disorders are difficult to treat. I get where you are coming from, but I don’t think affirmations would be effective. The defended (grandiose) parts of the patient would either use them to shore up grandiose self-image or view it as evidence that you as the therapist are naive and ineffective. The vulnerable parts of the patient would take them as evidence that you don’t understand the devalued self-image. Generally speaking, affirmations are not an effective intervention for most issues - especially ones that are chronic and personality-based.
Personality disorders share many similar features: emotional dysregulation, identity disturbance, blurred boundaries, reliance on the same defense mechanisms. The main difference between NPD and BPD concerns the core conflicts/concerns that motivate the maladaptive behaviors and dominate the subjective experience of the individual. NPD mostly concerns self-esteem inflation vs. deflation. BPD mostly concerns attachment-related issues like proximity vs. abandonment. But both can be indistinguishable under certain circumstances. This video explains the concepts in more detail: th-cam.com/video/ZZP6gAm5L6c/w-d-xo.htmlsi=RNyXHWi6ueI9CJrQ
Very prominent voices in the online realm of narcissism (such as Dr. Ramani or Sam Vaknin) would vehemently disagree with you on the issue of the treatability of this disorder and reinstatement of the Self. I'm wondering what you're basing your opinion on.
Because they are on a hate tirade. They deflect and blame, scapegoat, same but I'm not sharing this stuff on a massive channel. Ontop of them clearly gaining a metric boatload of supply. Sam is referring to these channels. Not HealNPD, this is one of the only good channels with straight up information out there. There's no intention of healing over there for them either. They are also dividing and conquering. It's not an objective view on the disorder, it's mixed with emotional contempt towards other versions of it. They are so deep into it. Now this is the issue. Is it even possible to fix? It's not a definitive answer and pushing the narrative it's impossible actively pushes most people away from getting help. Why get help if I'm a demon?? I already have issues accepting things if myself and lack people around me as time goes on to keep me grounded and have my feet to the fire. It's an endless snowball effect. Help is clearly out there to some degree. But if people don't believe it is, they will Just go be a "demon" to get their needs met until they burn out and die. Fundamentally this is immoral to tell people imo. You can be much better and much more controlled and limiting the trail of destruction. It's as if the internet and science has reduced most of our imaginations to dust, and we need new myths and boogie man's. That scapegoating content and even true crime is truly not a good thing imo. You never need to scapegoat or play victim, or observe an entire population this closely with contempt...
I am seeing myself in all of this and honestly i kinda had a feeling this was the case, but people kept saying i wasnt including my therapist. Im not sure though it seems like this is all ver borderline as well? Like im not finding the distinction between narcissism and bpd in this video
The doctor said in a short that some w/ NPD have empathy. It could be more cognitive empathy you have though. You'd have to be honest w/ yourself about what people tell you. Do others tell you you're really hurtful and selfish? Do you have a wake of bitter exes behind you, but you likely more feel you were the one done wrong?
Narcissism is about unstable, unrealistic self esteem and maladaptive strategies to manage self esteem. A person can have these issues and also have insight. Many of the patients with whom I work in my practice are very introspective, but lack the internal resources to manage their self esteem issues and emotional dysregulation. Thanks for watching.
They can have codependent children, which imo is fine except that it’s a struggle for the child themselves. I say this as a codependent myself. I’m grateful that I don’t treat people the way my narcissistic father did.
There’s also the possibility that with parenting help or coaching or other/ extra caregivers, the child could grow up to not fully develop either extreme.
I like your podcast. The intro music runs a tiny bit long in my opinion. I would keep to 15 seconds. The podcast itself is drastically too short but I'll take what I can get 😋
I like the short and easily digestible videos. It's not like Dr. Ramani's channel where she rambles endlessly about what a victim everyone is who has been w/ a narcissist, who is described as plotting against their victims from the beginning. I got very hurt by my ex, but I don't find those channels satisfying. I hope he finds help someday and I just want to heal. This doctor does some very long interviews on other channels. Just saw one on the Nameless Narcissist channel.
"Am I a narcissist"? I honestly don't know. I don't think I am, AND....I MIGHT be narcissistic enough NOT to be comfortable being officially labeled as one?? However....I do often wonder if those who are NOT professional mental health workers-- ((and even some that may be))-- that toss such a label or term at others in a manner that, to ME at least, appears to be rather casual--if THEY THEMELVES MIGHT be proverbial "pots" calling proverbial "kettles"......."BLACK". But if SELF AWARENESS makes one "narcissistic", then yeah....I might just BE a narcissist? 😶
@daviedood2503 Yes, and cluster b disorders share some features in common. When thinking about severity in personality disorders, I use the concept of personality organization. This is a spectrum that goes from psychosis on the most extreme end, to relatively healthy and adaptive functioning at the other end. At the most extreme end of the pathological narcissism spectrum, things like paranoia and grandiosity are often amplified due to difficulties with reality testing (i.e. psychosis). There is likely to be a lack of remorse and profound deficits in empathy as the person will be so consumed with narcissistic preoccupations that they will be unable to relate to others as separate individuals rather than extensions of the damaged self.
@@healnpd i kinda believe i have many traits you mention sfter this video i am more sure of it :) and this makes me super aware of everything i say or when i am not aware, super anxiety of anything i said would be understood in a particular bad way. are brief moments of paranoia considered as psychosis? i am very scared of this. also i have a lot of obsessive line of thinking and the more i read about npd and think about npd and the more i feel delusional. when others as passive aggressive towards you of sth that you feel like you caused just by some behavior around them? like i am depressed heavily and sometimes feel from some people that i am shallow superficial and just wanting attention, not genuinely caring and emphatatic to them. the way i talk or engage with others around them feels like i am in the hunt sometimes. i interpret these moments as they are hostile towards me. this causes some sort of isolation. and this happens with people i open up before. i kinda seek for validation that there is no problem btw us and it is just a normal version of themselves. and i know that this is the case usually. i feel like i wasnt like this before, all this kinda started when i had bad episodes of delusions with substance involved couple of years ago. untreated 2 or 3 episodes and well as 1 panic attack. and all this are just delusional beliefs and iknow that they are even at the time but still caught up with them occasionally.
4:00 you used Narcissist as a noun (even though I used it in my last TH-cam for bait). I am both an Autist and HAVE Personality Disorder. I am not a Personality Disorder. semantics, ammi right??? 5:20 A wonderful strategy. Listening to your TH-cam I realized where the injury came from that gave me NPD (PD - ICD). My NPD father was cheating on my mother with the neighbor and was having war with his NPD mother-in-law. He viewed me as chains to both my mother and grandmother. My parents got divorced, the neighbors got divorced, my neighbor friends became my step sisters and my mother became dependent on my sister and I. I’m 48. I was officially diagnosed 3 years ago with ASD and Bi-Polar1 w/psychotic features. The BD was a misdiagnosis for what I’m sure is PD (ICD) Such a great video. Thanks.
No. I am not a narcissist. Narcissists are infatuated with themselves. Mines is more than mere infatuation. With me it's the real thing.! Believe me, that IS the way they think.
@@funnylittlecreature Ask any specialist how many narcissists they have cured . None is the answer. For they have a disordered mindset and cannot be re-wired back to normalcy. For as far as they are concerned they know they are not normal, they know they are the greatest. This paradoxically is their view of themselves. So npd cannot be treated. No specialist worth the name would state otherwise.
Hmm, while listening to the first 12 minutes of this I'm thinking that, yes, I DO have some narcissistic tendencies....Until you got to the part about "splitting", and how those who "split" see the world in ONLY "black" or "white".....Then in THAT case I really CAN'T be too narcissistic due to all the various shades of "gray" I often see in SO MANY places....In fact, I DARE say that I personally might even see "gray" where a majority of people might either see only "black" or "white"-- or only WANT to see "black" or "white"......Which is NOT going to make me too popular with damn near ANYONE--whether they themselves are narcissists or "Boy/Girl Scouts"** But then again....If I just keep my mouth shut, or even my fingers off the cell phone key pad or just "nod my head" when ASKED if something is "black" or "white" then I COULD be popular....Until I ask THEM: "FLAT black/white or GLOSS black/white"? "JET" black or "Midnight" black? "BRIGHT" white? or "DINGY" white??🙄🫤😶 ** I utilize the term "Boy/Girl Scouts" here mainly as a humorous/sarcastic rhetorical device....NOT to be taken literally.
I will remove comments that are abusive to any individual (including myself) or population. This includes comments that are abusive toward pwNPD.
i have lots of respect for you because so many therapists refuse to help the ones that need help the most.
Is it possible for a scapegoat and an empath to also be a narcissist?
@@sc5216 i think the concept of an empath doesn't exist in modern psychology because everyone is capable of having more or less empathy.
I have unfollowed the content creators hating on people with a problem. It always felt a little off putting to be honest. Thanks for capturing the nuance of real life.
@@healnpd All your comments are abusive to everyone except narcs.
So much for inclusion.
I told a friend that I had NPD, and his response was "You are not a narcissist. You are a good person." I'm glad you're putting this information out there because the misconceptions have been promulgated so much that we are essentially considered to have the "bad person disorder".
People don't realize how many of the people they admire and aspire to be like are narcissistically organized. Who else is so strongly driven to be "good" in a way that is memorable to others?
..when my childhood "friend" told me i asked her:"..that s why you didn t share the sleeping bag while we were camping at 17yo & you let me freeze..etc. I didn t need some diagnosis to know so maybe your friend doesn t know you. We never were true friends bcs of different needs. Why would i spend empathy & emotions, even time at listening to stories based on fantasy? & knowing she ll never do anything for me? She isn t "bad" the malignant type but she doesn t feel like doing anything for anyone. I don t understand why NPD ppl bother about the stigma as we live in narcissistic societies. How don t you see that? That s why they aspire to be like actors..don t you see the similarity?
because there's another version of narcissist that covertly destroys people, scapegoats them etc and enjoys it. Very different from a selfish person.
I think u are @@ioannafardella3717
I hate it too. Calling Narcissists bad just for having a disorder. It is bad.
this is so interesting because i am by and large a recluse, I don't interact much with others and when I do I make sure to be polite. idk if i would be considered high-functioning because i am so deeply afraid of hurting others due to the shame that would incur but i am consumed by these narcissistic thoughts, i simply do not voice them because they conflict with the ideal self i want to project to others. I simply see myself as an object to be evaluated by others. my one goal at every moment, in any interaction and even in my moments alone when i turned to fantasy, was to be liked (while at the same time believing deep down that i was not worthy of love and that those who loved me only did because they were lesser in some way or just had poor judgement - because in order for you to see value in something of low value, you must be of even lower value. shameful to admit but it is how i felt).
i had no conception of myself outside of what others saw (what i believed others saw, to be more precise). i speak in the past tense because i am beginning to get in touch with authentic feelings that arent internalised from my projections onto others. it makes me immensely sad and also a bit afraid just seeing how delusional I've been most of my life. i hope one day to connect genuinely with other human beings and learn to love and be loved, not as an object that has been deemed effective at its purpose, but just because I "am", i hope to love others for the same reason.
you will :)
unfortunately relatable
It's so inspiring to see that others have similar feelings to mine. I have some narcissistic tendencies, and my partner is clinically diagnosed with NPD. Neither of us are "bad people", but when we argue, which is daily, we both tend to resort to saying hurtful things to each other.
It's scary how much I relate. I am not diagnosed with anything yet. If I wasn't on sertraline I'd cry lol.
Wow. I was unsure about this channel at first, just because of how prevalent stigmatizing information on NPD is. But this…made me feel incredibly seen. I almost felt as if I was about to cry. Every word you said about that lower spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder hit the nail on the head for me. I’ve been struggling with imposter syndrome about how I feel and feeling like I’m not ‘narcissistic’ enough to be seen as valid. But this made me realize that, even if my struggles are not quite the same as others, I still know it’s incredibly disruptive to my life and I’m just as valid as others.
I feel like I can understand why you would be cautious or skeptical. Thanks for giving my channel a chance. :)
If you're lower on the spectrum, you're that much more receptive and able to work on using healthier coping mechanisms. Be proud of yourself for being aware. The lower levels of it are still really hurtful to those you're in close relationships w/. My ex of 10 years is likely lower on the spectrum. Which is why we somehow made it 10 years. I hope he gets to your point of being willing to work on it. I got out 6 months ago, but I'm concerned about the next woman he'll get involved w/.
I also understand he's suffering w/ shame and self doubt too. Those that have loved these people need to care for ourselves as well.
totally!
“I need to be perfect to be ok”
Very similar to OCPD. The perfectionist.
@@birdlover6842 this sounds like me. Thank you for the insightful comment.
Dude, as someone who probbaly has a high function (after years of self inquiry and psychological work)
You have no clue how validating, accepting and objectively ifnormational your channel is. Your a hell of a resource. Really glad I came across your channel and I think you bring a really refreshing and practical perspective to narcissism. Thank you!
Thanks for letting me know, and thanks for watching/listening. It means a lot to me to know that the content is helpful to folks. :-)
@@healnpd It's kind of wild that you're just about the only person out there who actually shows any sort of sympathy/empathy for people with NPD. As you've discussed elsewhere, most information about NPD is about how others can "survive" being around us. When we already feel like we're intrinsically bad people, it's pretty shit to know that the rest of the world thinks that not only are you beyond help, but that you don't actually deserve help because you have a fundamentally evil personality.
@@healnpd we love you!! You are talked about on Reddit ♥️
@@sweet2sourr That's great that the word is getting around. I was going on Mental Healness and Raw Motivations looking for answers and healing after 10 yrs w/ someone who has some level of the disorder. I'll start spreading the word there. Dr. Ramani's channel is a cesspit of victimhood and blaming and I wasn't comfortable there at all.
Even though I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, I’m coming here to make sure 😅 again.
Me too.
You have a lovely speaking voice.
Recognized myself in all of this, but it 100% impacts my relationships in a more negative and disruptive manner. (Not an abusive person who let's me splitting do harmful things. Since splitting is a thought process rather than an action, it's my choice on how I act in response to splitting.)
You may just have a Narcissistic personality style then. I know a lot of people like that, but if it was pathological, you’d have no control or “choice” in how you behave when you split, because you wouldn’t know it was happening.
When in a relationship, splitting happens suddenly, without warning. You’ll idealize your partner, thinking she’s/he’s the most amazing, perfect person ever.
Then suddenly, they change. You see their behavior as “all bad”. You believe they’re subtly insulting you, attacking you all the time and being cold.
It doesn’t stop there. You begin to look back on memories you had, then paint the past in the same color of “all black” or “all bad”. You may even become paranoid, thinking she/he has always been like this.
You connect the dots of the past with the present and you start to see them as manipulative. If they’ve always been like this, they must’ve lied and tricked you. The subtle insults and attacks continue, getting worse and worse, so you realize they’re actually malicious and cruel.
You may call them out on it, interrogate them, attack them for their actions and then become confused and angry when they deny it, they call you crazy and you need help. So you think they’re gaslighting you, trying to make you feel crazy.
What I just described is Splitting. It’s what Narcissistic Abuse really is, commonly referred to as “Devaluation stage”. Which is actually a DSM-5 trait for BPD, but is common among personality disorders.
You can’t control it on your own, you can’t stop it, because it’s a cognitive distortion. Your actual perception is distorted and changed. I’ve done this In relationships, treating my partner as an evil, malevolent thing, because that’s how I perceived her actions. I wanted it to go away, I wanted it to stop. I pleaded with her to just tell me that it’s “just me” and I’ll try to just trust her, but you can’t.
It’s traumatic af. For both people, but particularly the one suffering from the Splitting, because it’ll happen with everyone they get close to. Every time they fall in love, every close friendship, every interest or hobby they have longterm, every job they have with their coworkers and bosses. It’s a living hell.
I’m more aware of it now than I’ve ever been, but I know it’ll happen again, I just take precautions to limits the causalities. I don’t date. I don’t have close friendships. I don’t let anyone in too close. I isolate mostly. It’s lonely and depressing being a Narcissist.
Also.. This is why when I find myself watching these narc abuse survivor videos and reading the comments in these groups, that I really start to wonder… Because this kind of sounds familiar, doesn’t it? They come across so many narcs in their life, but NPD is rare, 1-3% of the population… Just food for thought. Lol
Yup they congregate to deflect and play victim.. most out there NPD's take way more accountability and seem Psycopathic in their self concept and rationalizing. 😂
Very insightful video, thank you. You said something that resonated with me because the topic came up in my therapy session. "being good enough for just being the person that you are". I am still struggling with this if I'm being fully transparent. I don't understand how someone can have worth for just, being? People having inherent worth feels strange and foreign to me. Like, Who has worth just because they had the misfortune of being born? I know it's not a healthy thought. But it's confusing to grapple with. You are only what you achieve and earn. Again I recognize it as being pathological and wrong, but I really don't understand how that makes sense to people. Reagrdless thank you again for the video. Have a good day and keep up the good work
When I was young, my dad used to remind me frequently that I was the only “me” who would ever exist. There has never been anyone exactly like me before, and there never will be again. Same goes for you, and for each of us. No being has ever had your unique set of experiences, and therefore no being has ever had your unique perspective on the universe. Each of us is here for a brief moment and then gone for an eternity. If we were talking about jewels, precious metals, or rare pieces of art, the argument would be simple and compelling. “This is a one-of-a-kind…it’s priceless.” Same goes for you.
I totally agree. Like how far are people willing to go with love? It makes no sense to love people for just existing.
@lps buzakia Perhaps the word 'unique' is a better fit. Each of us is unique. There is no other you, and there is no other me. There are all sorts of contextual indicators of value or 'specialness' that we might associate with a person. These will always be, to some extent, arbitrary. In some settings, wealth is important. In others, beauty, or fame, or influence, or talent, or skill, etc. There is no universal measure of specialness, worth, or value. Some people covet wealth, power, or beauty, while others can't be bothered and are invested in other qualities. Therefore, any argument for personal worth or value that proceeds from these arbitrary qualities is necessarily inadequate.
@Ms. Mirror I can't speak for anyone else, but this is the only way I can love. When I say I love someone because they exist, it's because I love how their abilities, interactions, or presence, affects either me or the environment around me.
Everyone is built with an unique assortment of traits, skills, foibles, and preferences. Like an incredible piece of art.
When you see people this way, and understand each piece affects every other piece, it's hard not to love them.
It might lack the passion people seem to need in love. And it isn't dependent on any sort of reciprocity. But I'd still protect them, and want the best for them, just because they exist. Their existence is necessary, beautiful, and uniquely valuable. Even if it has nothing to do with me.
I don't know how else to explain it. It's the only love I've known.
I hope this makes more sense now.😊
@@MaryDunfordI understand what you’re saying. I love every human because of the exciting adventure they present. The experiences and life, the perspective of love and loss, their story and impact or even lack of impact fascinates me-I’m in awe of everything and everyone and that feeling of awe is love ❤
I watched a few videos and really like your calm, respectful approach to personality styles and disorders.
I appreciate that!
I'm also on guard and I'm not a narcissist. I scored the highest level of having paranoid disorder. ALso schizoid and avoidant, but zero on narcissism, histrionic and dependant.
I'm here because I was raised by narcissists, and it twisted my perception.
Welcome to the channel. 🙂
"they tend to employ characteristic ways of defending themselves. and the main ones are idealization and devaluation. narcs tend to believe that they must be perfect to be ok so they naturally see the the world through a sort of polarized lens, where things are either perfect or worthless. just like a hungry person sees the world in shades of food and not food, and a thirsty person sees the world in shades of water and not water" 11:04
Can see my narcissist ex husband in another light but not going to rescue him, he is on his own path and has been EXTREMELY ABUSIVE so not going back but can see clearly it stems from childhood trauma and living with an alcoholic narcissist Father and a Mother who was submissive over lack of money, my ex husbands Father never died he lives on through my ex husband EXACTLY THE SAME CHARACTER, it's frightening to see him sabotage his own life and thinks there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM, it's everyone's else's fault, sooo SAD to live the way they do and the destruction it causes.
It is really sad if they won't seek help. We can sympathize, but there comes a time when that can only be at a safe distance. I do relate to having compassion, but it needs to be me first now. In the last year or so of my 10 year relationship, I thought we could work things out when I caught him cheating and that I could meet him part way in healing our relationship. He saw that as a chance to go right back to it, figuring I would enable. Kicked him out 6 months ago and though he largely understands, he thinks I should give it yet another chance. Trust is broken and I doubt he'll ever get help. He's lower on the spectrum if he has NPD, but the lies and gaslighting were like the blender treatment at the end.
You can't no one can dont waste your time, they will abuse your time and ruin you
Your compassion is the weakness that narcs pray on, that's why they guilt trip so much
@@tonyconnor5691 They don't mean to prey on that. They are looking for understanding, just like the rest of us. I don't think it's all maliciously on purpose, but eventually there needs to be a cut off when things get too painful for us. It's painful for them too, but they have to be willing to deal w/ that pain and get help, so they can stop the destructive cycles.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 they can't get help
I'm not terribly disruptive to others, but there is a constant war going on in my head and trying to keep my cool is a rapid drain on my mental resources. I do not behave aggressively towards my interlocutor - never, dare I say? - but any belittling or anger directed at me makes me secretly want to rip that person to shreds - fantasies which I share with my borderline GF. My methods of aggression are more subtle, and consist largely of vocal tone changes, passive-aggressive sarcasm, and disgusted facial expressions.
Splitting is big, but I rarely have a genuinely high opinion of others in general - most people are background noise - and the need to feel above all my peers takes precedence over any of that fawning nonsense. Still, this roguish Transatlantic accent I put on solved so many charisma issues I used to have about being uninteresting and invisible. I am naturally inclined to be particularly friendly towards law enforcement and managers, but I also have a heavy distrust of people who are stern in their authority.
Self-esteem fluctuations? Extreme to say the least. I hide my vulnerable side, because nobody likes a sob story, so I end up coming off as a gruff, stoic cowboy in downer times. The voices of my introjects are intense and strike painfully at my heart at every attempt at a triumphant thought here. During a grandiose state, I am far more extroverted and theatrical, and as you described, I feel more in touch with the ideal person I've always wanted to be. I cherish memories of those fine hours and wish I could find a way to stay grandiose without the help of psychoactives or a sycophant or two.
It sounds like you're more disruptive than you think you are. I hope you get to the point where you don't wish to stay grandiose. It's an unhealthy coping mechansim. Staying level and finding healthy ways to nourish your ego would be the preferred goal.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 got any good suggestions?
@@AlastorTheNPDemon this comment is so obnoxious i’m starting to reconsider if i have NPD
This really gave me some insights about what NPD actually looks like.
I just left a comment urging you to write a book, and here you have already written one. I will now go look for a way to translate it. Thank you for your approach to this issue.
I can't believe this channel hasn't got 500k+ subbies. This is an amazing channel. I hope you get what you deserve one day! I don't have NPD but I might be slightly on the spectrum. You teach me a lot of things, thanks a lot :)
Maybe one day. Thanks for watching. 🙂
Thank for making a channel that makes it feel safe to acknowledge and entertain one's own narcissism. Other channels make me feel terrified to even contemplate the idea!
Hey I appreciate your work here. I have been doing research on the subject for a few years now and your info here is clarifying. Thank you !
This explains so much. I am unraveling a 10-year marriage where I believe my ex is low on the npd spectrum. While I educated myself in his issue though, I recognized that I had many of them too, just not as severe. Maybe that’s why we clicked in the first place - we shared a similar world view so to speak. Only his perspective had no room for me to thrive and it felt like he needed to destroy me somehow.
Finding you and your channel is a breath of fresh air, amongst the stigmatising witch hunt that the web has decided to engage into against narcissism. Thank you. I have been researching obsessively on narcissism, as I have a few traits that make me think I am on the spectrum. I have spent over two years with a sense of worthlessness because of fearing to have NPD. My psychodynamic therapist keeps saying I should not focus on labelling my own life and experience with any diagnosis, that it's not helpful for my healing and can be a further stumbling block. But I keep going back to reading and watching videos about NPD, as I feel there's a key there. I don't know if you can recommend anything in response to this. Thank you.
Hi. i don't know if you would notice this but i can totally relate with you obsessively searching about narcissism. i've been doing that for years and especially these past few days/weeks.
@@yuandyuan1111 Hello Yuan, yes though I have to say I have decreased my obsession at last. I have come to the resolution that everyone is on a spectrum of narcissism, and that it only becomes pathological in a minority of cases. Once you start recognising the unhelpful, self-destructive, destructive and unpleasant traits of the narcissistic side of your personality, it's not useful anymore to fixate on a diagnosis or the label itself. It's much better to find helpful ways to research, observe, accept and then release when possible your internal patterns. To me the mindfulness model is very helpful. As it is the concept of pendulation (from Somatic Experience) and self-kindness, self-compassion.
@@burntoats Hi. that's good that you have decreased your obsession about npd. i wish i could come to that too. i don't fully understand your comment because i'm still at my phase where i'm literally slow and kind of retarted (makes me believe that i'm on the lower spectrum of npd) i'm becoming more hopeless about my healing. it sucks when you are getting worse as the day goes by and you don't know what to do about your bad and toxic behavior. i'm still waiting for my mom's update about a mental health professional to have a consultation, but i'm afraid that the doctor might just recommend pills. and i saw the doctor's post about bpd and npd, i'm afraid that he's also demonizing and stigmatizing both PD's.
@@burntoats i don't know if i make any sense about my reply because it's really difficult for me to construct a sentence, especially when i'm talking verbally. but any chance that we could talk? like on ig or something? i'm very desperate about my condition. thank you in advance if ever
@@yuandyuan1111 Hello Yuan, I'm sorry things are so difficult, and I think I can partly relate, although I must be much older than you are. I'm not sure I could help in any way though, as I've got my own struggle and I don't want to give you any unhelpful advice. I would really recommend to find a counsellor that can support you, and if you have to go through your mum's, please make her understand how unwell you feel and how important this is to you. Also, there might be charities in your city/town that help with mental health support? I'm sorry not to be more helpful, but I'm not a professional or particularly wise, and I think you need help from someone who really know what they're doing. Big hug and best wishes. PS The only thing I can add is that by the sound of your messages, you are worried about your behaviour and mental health, and this means that a big part of you wants healing: that's probably the best way to start! So please trust that you have it inside you to heal.
Thank you Dr Mark, I am so happy I found your channel. I went through several of your videos and I feel aligned with your professional opinions and statements. Initially when I started researching this topic, to understand narcissists behaviour a bunch of other TH-cam channels were suggested to me. Although it fed my internal strive for external validation I was not satisfied in general approach of generalising and making propaganda videos about NPD.
If it is a disorder then professionals in the field should approach this through facts and findings rather than creating stories.
Thank you once again.
Thank you for this
Really great podcast/video. Thank you.
Thanks for listening
Hi, loving the podcast, very insightful and validating towards handling the seemingly selfish symptoms in my life.
An additional thank you for uploading it to TH-cam as well. even the best npd content seems to attract a lot of victims in the comments,, it feels so seen to relate to the perspectives of your audience. My self awareness is constantly thrown back at me and it’s so isolating. here I can finally confirm at least a personal observation of my thought patterns in order to help find the right path to care for it, because I’m literally not the only one anymore
wow this doc's ability to explain things is fantastic!
Made a whole dummy account because I'm genuinely scared of people finding out that there's a high likelihood that I have NPD. It's a possibility I've considered on and off for years, but has been written off time and time again because I'm "good", which I honestly hated. Attaching morality to PDs has always been really uncomfortable to me (I was [according to my therapist, likely mis]diagnosed with BPD prior to this suspicion). Honestly, I know I can only be diagnosed with NPD by a therapist, but my current one is…a very casual believer in the whole "narcissists are inherently abusive" thing. So. Not super keen on bringing it up. Just keeping this close to my chest. I'm even too scared to tell people I'm close about me because I don't want their view of me to change. I don't want it to be "You can't be a narcissist because you're too nice", and I don't want it to be "Well, now that I know you're a narcissist, I think you're evil", either. There's no way to exist in a way that satisfies me.
All that to say, I appreciate you being one of the few people on TH-cam and…really in general? To have resources on NPD that aren't "How to get away from people with NPD because they're Evil and Bad". I know I'm probably a droplet in a sea of comments but I just cannot overstate how much it means that there is at least one place that won't assume I'm evil because I suspect I have this thing, or tell me I don't because I'm "good" in their eyes (not that it doesn't make me feel good to hear it, but again, in the context of assigning morality to PDs, it's frustrating).
Keep up the good work.
@unchangeabletruths - Thank you for your comment and for sharing your struggle with the stigma surrounding pathological narcissism and NPD. I agree with you that attaching morality to these issues as an intrinsic component is a mistake. I have worked with all sorts of pwNPD: both narcissists who were predominantly grandiose and ones who presented as vulnerable to the point of extreme fragility. None were inherently 'evil.' They were people who had suffered trauma, abuse, or adverse childhood experiences and who had developed core concerns about self worth. They try to deal with those issues by being or having 'the best,' but inside they felt empty, worthless, and invisible. The online fixation on 'evil narcissists' is mostly just other hurt people trying to figure out what went wrong in their life or relationships and stumbling on bad, sensational, or scandalizing information that seems to provide answers but really just leads them down unhelpful paths. Stick around this channel and a select few others. My best to you as you grapple with these questions.
I feel like i cant even leave a comment w/o doing multiple drafts and trying to impress people
Same 😂
Isn't it just normal to try and post the best comment possible?!
Great episode!
Thanks, and thanks for watching!
hi mark. i have a question for you.. first off, i love your videos and they have been extremely helpful for me to better understand myself, so thank you for doing what you do. i admire you for it. i am diagnosed with BPD and i'm very very sure that i have NPD as well but i am unable to get a diagnosis as of right now. i keep trying to be in therapy to work on things and heal, but there are absolutely no therapists here who specialize in NPD which is the thing currently causing the most distress in my life... i never have a good experience with therapists. they either aren't helpful because they don't understand NPD, they invalidate me because i don't fit into their stereotypical idea of a narcissist, they say triggering things which makes me feel worse than when i started the sessions, or they refuse to treat me entirely or quit seeing me once i open up about my struggles. do you have any advice?? i feel like i am truly just swimming in the dark or something here. how am i supposed to try to heal when it seems like nobody wants me to be able to? there is no help for me it seems...
@rdv04 - Thanks for watching and I’m glad to know you find this channel helpful. Sadly, your experiences with therapy are not uncommon. It can be difficult to find quality care - especially when it comes to heavily stigmatized issues like NPD.
I made a video called “Answering Questions about Therapy for NPD.” It’s here: th-cam.com/video/ZWKn6n23X6s/w-d-xo.html
You might find it helpful if you haven’t already watched it. I make some recommendations for how to locate and screen potential therapists. Best wishes in your search. I hope you are able to find the help and support you need. 🤗
Is there hope for those at the higher end of the spectrum to overcome these deficits? I have really bad self esteem and tend to let it control my thinking / worldview. I meditate a lot and try to be realistic about what others think / my place in the world and it helps a lot.
There absolutely is hope. 🙂
None of those.
Although, I do have a tendency to be alone. A Lot!
I have to make sure
Oh I’m thinking my CPTSD has led me to be more narcissistic to the point of my personality becoming possibly compromised.
I’d be interested in knowing your view of media images of disabled (the “supercrip” image) and their contribution to narcissism. I have cerebral palsy, and became obsessed with becoming a syndicated cartoonist largely because cerebral-palsied people don’t do that. I never made it, and that’s mortifying. I feel as though I let my fellow disabled down.
I probably am little bit without realizing it even though I’m still A empath &hsp..
The devaluation is part of the individualation of the self that can never be completed.
Thank you for the lesson
It’s honestly a bit funny, I suspect my mom of NPD/traits and she’s a theatre director and actor it honestly makes sense that a narcissist might prefer that career when you think about it. She loves to be center stage and is particularly good at playing the biggest, baddest, most dramatic of villains (her preferred role). She teaches theatre as well so her whole life is in the arts. She’s honestly fantastic at what she does.
Very interesting and in some behaviors mentioned in the video if I see myself reflected, I have a doubt, every person with that deficit in the basic sense of self-esteem is in the narcissistic spectrum? that deficit always means narcissism?
I also resonate with me about wanting to look outside for something you can't find inside, I never thought that behavior was associated with narcissism, I only saw it related to low self-esteem, something that is very common in the population, that makes me think how common it can be part of the narcissistic spectrum.
Hello Dr. Ettensohn, Do you have an opinion, or know of any work that touches on Asperger Syndrome being connected to NPD? Do you think it is possible, that a person diagnosed with ASD could in fact be NPD? Or even both? I would be very interested to hear your view or a reference to this subject. Thanks. This video was very insightful. Thank you.
yeah i have tried to get tx for years and the response is always "you cant be a narcissist if youre seeking tx for narcissism." 😮
Excellent video
Thank you very much!
Hi m! I live in China but I'm not Chinese. So I can't reach a therapist here cause I wouldn't understand a word.
But I desperately need help because my behavior has been destroying my life.
Is there any reliable help online? I would really appreciate some recommendations.
Thanks so much for your content.Gives me hope.
I'm almost scared to believe I'm not as bad as they say lol. Blessings
Hi! i'm from philippines and also struggling with my behavior because it's really affecting my life in a negative way.
I might sound crazy or insane but is there any chance that we could talk? it's a hell for me to be like this, especially not being diagnosed by a mental health professional.
This was great thank you
Hey, can you please elaborate about narcissistic personality style? first time I hear this term.. I can't find any information about it?
I am pretty sure I have NPD. I am going through Narcissist collapse. I feel like hurting myself, but I also believe in heaven and hell. I'm pretty sure based on research on the bible and Christianity that I can't truly repent. Therefore, I feel like I'm doomed to go to Hell. I feel like I am out of time. I would like to go to therapy but I am under extreme financial stress and other issues. Divorce, move, job loss. I have lost all hope. What should I do?
It’s curious that there are so many self-identified narcissists on this channel. The narcissists I know will never think to look for videos like Dr Ettensohn’s because they don’t believe there is anything about them that needs addressing, let alone identify with these traits.
Might be a psychopath or sociopath with narcissistic traits - those have no problem with self-esteem, therefore no problem with a depression or suicidality, therefore no need to seek help. There are two types of grandiose narcissist - one is psychopath with narcissistic traits (seeking supply, grandiosity, phantasy), the other is a vulnerable narcissist that somehow managed to get near their ego ideal and maintain that image for long enough. The first won't mean to lose their face and anything to obtain their goal, the other will decompensate to a depression and even suicidality under same cirmustances. Some vulnerable narcissists can turn, over time, to a sociopath with blunted emotions, that is similar to primary psychopath, but it is learned over time, while real primary psychopath is born bona fide psychopath.
Well, the answer, it seems, is that I very well could be. I guess I'll find out when therapy enters the budget.
Hey, I appreciate your content. Just curious cause I’m considering becoming a psychologist to help both NPDs and people who’ve been affected by those with NPD. I have an idea of how to possibly help NPDs if I went into therapy but was wondering if I could run it by you?
I was thinking since most of the projection and other tactics NPDs use seem to come from their lack of self esteem/worth, like you said in the video, would it be possible that affirmations specifically targeting their core self beliefs could help NPDs be more responsive in therapy?
Like what if the first protocol was they affirmed “I am enough” “I matter” “I am lovable” and “I am a good person” until they became beliefs and then those beliefs replaced their other self loathing beliefs. Would they then be more open to therapy and introspection?
@lizardluminals9324 - Personality disorders are difficult to treat. I get where you are coming from, but I don’t think affirmations would be effective. The defended (grandiose) parts of the patient would either use them to shore up grandiose self-image or view it as evidence that you as the therapist are naive and ineffective. The vulnerable parts of the patient would take them as evidence that you don’t understand the devalued self-image. Generally speaking, affirmations are not an effective intervention for most issues - especially ones that are chronic and personality-based.
This is basically indistinguishable from bpd?
Personality disorders share many similar features: emotional dysregulation, identity disturbance, blurred boundaries, reliance on the same defense mechanisms. The main difference between NPD and BPD concerns the core conflicts/concerns that motivate the maladaptive behaviors and dominate the subjective experience of the individual. NPD mostly concerns self-esteem inflation vs. deflation. BPD mostly concerns attachment-related issues like proximity vs. abandonment. But both can be indistinguishable under certain circumstances.
This video explains the concepts in more detail: th-cam.com/video/ZZP6gAm5L6c/w-d-xo.htmlsi=RNyXHWi6ueI9CJrQ
Very prominent voices in the online realm of narcissism (such as Dr. Ramani or Sam Vaknin) would vehemently disagree with you on the issue of the treatability of this disorder and reinstatement of the Self. I'm wondering what you're basing your opinion on.
Because they are on a hate tirade. They deflect and blame, scapegoat, same but I'm not sharing this stuff on a massive channel.
Ontop of them clearly gaining a metric boatload of supply. Sam is referring to these channels. Not HealNPD, this is one of the only good channels with straight up information out there.
There's no intention of healing over there for them either. They are also dividing and conquering. It's not an objective view on the disorder, it's mixed with emotional contempt towards other versions of it. They are so deep into it.
Now this is the issue. Is it even possible to fix? It's not a definitive answer and pushing the narrative it's impossible actively pushes most people away from getting help. Why get help if I'm a demon?? I already have issues accepting things if myself and lack people around me as time goes on to keep me grounded and have my feet to the fire. It's an endless snowball effect. Help is clearly out there to some degree. But if people don't believe it is, they will Just go be a "demon" to get their needs met until they burn out and die. Fundamentally this is immoral to tell people imo. You can be much better and much more controlled and limiting the trail of destruction.
It's as if the internet and science has reduced most of our imaginations to dust, and we need new myths and boogie man's. That scapegoating content and even true crime is truly not a good thing imo.
You never need to scapegoat or play victim, or observe an entire population this closely with contempt...
I am seeing myself in all of this and honestly i kinda had a feeling this was the case, but people kept saying i wasnt including my therapist. Im not sure though it seems like this is all ver borderline as well? Like im not finding the distinction between narcissism and bpd in this video
I avoid other people and use to have grandiose thinking. I feel I have alot of empathy however. Could I have NPD?
The doctor said in a short that some w/ NPD have empathy. It could be more cognitive empathy you have though. You'd have to be honest w/ yourself about what people tell you. Do others tell you you're really hurtful and selfish? Do you have a wake of bitter exes behind you, but you likely more feel you were the one done wrong?
Does having emotional empathy makes things different?
I would imagine for the most part a true narcissist would lack the introspective to even ask the question if they're a narcissist.
Narcissism is about unstable, unrealistic self esteem and maladaptive strategies to manage self esteem. A person can have these issues and also have insight. Many of the patients with whom I work in my practice are very introspective, but lack the internal resources to manage their self esteem issues and emotional dysregulation. Thanks for watching.
Can two people with NPD have kids that DONT have NPD?
Sure the other option is for the kid to be codependent which imo is worse
They can have codependent children, which imo is fine except that it’s a struggle for the child themselves. I say this as a codependent myself. I’m grateful that I don’t treat people the way my narcissistic father did.
There’s also the possibility that with parenting help or coaching or other/ extra caregivers, the child could grow up to not fully develop either extreme.
Of course, their children can develop BPD, cPTSD or ASPD.
I'm definitely narcissist
Do avpd vs npd😊
Preliminary stages or collapsed state. Also can be full blown ASPD with an avoidance edge to mitigate self somewhat :(
I like your podcast. The intro music runs a tiny bit long in my opinion. I would keep to 15 seconds. The podcast itself is drastically too short but I'll take what I can get 😋
I like the short and easily digestible videos. It's not like Dr. Ramani's channel where she rambles endlessly about what a victim everyone is who has been w/ a narcissist, who is described as plotting against their victims from the beginning. I got very hurt by my ex, but I don't find those channels satisfying. I hope he finds help someday and I just want to heal.
This doctor does some very long interviews on other channels. Just saw one on the Nameless Narcissist channel.
"Am I a narcissist"? I honestly don't know. I don't think I am, AND....I MIGHT be narcissistic enough NOT to be comfortable being officially labeled as one??
However....I do often wonder if those who are NOT professional mental health workers-- ((and even some that may be))-- that toss such a label or term at others in a manner that, to ME at least, appears to be rather casual--if THEY THEMELVES MIGHT be proverbial "pots" calling proverbial "kettles"......."BLACK".
But if SELF AWARENESS makes one "narcissistic", then yeah....I might just BE a narcissist? 😶
What about the highest spectrum? Psychopathy?
At the most severe end of the spectrum would be psychosis.
@@healnpd but it's also cluster b isn't it?
@daviedood2503 Yes, and cluster b disorders share some features in common. When thinking about severity in personality disorders, I use the concept of personality organization. This is a spectrum that goes from psychosis on the most extreme end, to relatively healthy and adaptive functioning at the other end. At the most extreme end of the pathological narcissism spectrum, things like paranoia and grandiosity are often amplified due to difficulties with reality testing (i.e. psychosis). There is likely to be a lack of remorse and profound deficits in empathy as the person will be so consumed with narcissistic preoccupations that they will be unable to relate to others as separate individuals rather than extensions of the damaged self.
@@healnpd i kinda believe i have many traits you mention sfter this video i am more sure of it :) and this makes me super aware of everything i say or when i am not aware, super anxiety of anything i said would be understood in a particular bad way. are brief moments of paranoia considered as psychosis? i am very scared of this. also i have a lot of obsessive line of thinking and the more i read about npd and think about npd and the more i feel delusional. when others as passive aggressive towards you of sth that you feel like you caused just by some behavior around them? like i am depressed heavily and sometimes feel from some people that i am shallow superficial and just wanting attention, not genuinely caring and emphatatic to them. the way i talk or engage with others around them feels like i am in the hunt sometimes. i interpret these moments as they are hostile towards me. this causes some sort of isolation. and this happens with people i open up before. i kinda seek for validation that there is no problem btw us and it is just a normal version of themselves. and i know that this is the case usually. i feel like i wasnt like this before, all this kinda started when i had bad episodes of delusions with substance involved couple of years ago. untreated 2 or 3 episodes and well as 1 panic attack. and all this are just delusional beliefs and iknow that they are even at the time but still caught up with them occasionally.
4:00 you used Narcissist as a noun (even though I used it in my last TH-cam for bait). I am both an Autist and HAVE Personality Disorder. I am not a Personality Disorder. semantics, ammi right???
5:20 A wonderful strategy.
Listening to your TH-cam I realized where the injury came from that gave me NPD (PD - ICD). My NPD father was cheating on my mother with the neighbor and was having war with his NPD mother-in-law. He viewed me as chains to both my mother and grandmother. My parents got divorced, the neighbors got divorced, my neighbor friends became my step sisters and my mother became dependent on my sister and I.
I’m 48. I was officially diagnosed 3 years ago with ASD and Bi-Polar1 w/psychotic features. The BD was a misdiagnosis for what I’m sure is PD (ICD)
Such a great video. Thanks.
I reconize my 42 year old daughter
❤
Can you pin the link to the specific video in the comments please? Thank you.
Stop saying what i am!!! Go away !!!! (Thank you)
Tgis means everyone is s narcissist in this day n age
Bingo, now what?
No. I am not a narcissist.
Narcissists are infatuated with themselves.
Mines is more than mere infatuation. With me it's the real thing.!
Believe me, that IS the way they think.
Sorry... I think I'm more inclined to believe a specialist with experience in treating a disorder than some internet rando.
@@funnylittlecreature Ask any specialist how many narcissists they have cured . None is the answer. For they have a disordered mindset and cannot be re-wired back to normalcy.
For as far as they are concerned they
know they are not normal, they know they are the greatest.
This paradoxically is their view of themselves.
So npd cannot be treated. No specialist worth the name would state otherwise.
Too many adds.
I want to heal. Please help.
Hmm, while listening to the first 12 minutes of this I'm thinking that, yes, I DO have some narcissistic tendencies....Until you got to the part about "splitting", and how those who "split" see the world in ONLY "black" or "white".....Then in THAT case I really CAN'T be too narcissistic due to all the various shades of "gray" I often see in SO MANY places....In fact, I DARE say that I personally might even see "gray" where a majority of people might either see only "black" or "white"-- or only WANT to see "black" or "white"......Which is NOT going to make me too popular with damn near ANYONE--whether they themselves are narcissists or "Boy/Girl Scouts"**
But then again....If I just keep my mouth shut, or even my fingers off the cell phone key pad or just "nod my head" when ASKED if something is "black" or "white" then I COULD be popular....Until I ask THEM: "FLAT black/white or GLOSS black/white"? "JET" black or "Midnight" black? "BRIGHT" white? or "DINGY" white??🙄🫤😶
** I utilize the term "Boy/Girl Scouts" here mainly as a humorous/sarcastic rhetorical device....NOT to be taken literally.