Thanks for creating these informative and compassionate videos on pathological narcissism. The idea that I am a narcissist has lingered in the back of my head for years now, but it had always carried a sense of fear and shame that never allowed me to confront it fully. I often put it off because I think I’m not grandiose, or I try not to externalize these conflicts because I hate hurting and bothering others, but fundamentally this idea of a disordered self concept is exactly what I have been struggling with. I really appreciate how compassionate and thorough your explanations of narcissism are, it helps me get out of the assumption that calling myself a narcissist is the same as condemning myself to being an irredeemable person, which I think had kept me stuck in denial for so long.
Thank you for being vulnerable. I was thinking the same thing .. about how these videos explain narcissism with objectivity and compassion. This is much needed. When a survivor of narcissistic abuse can view the one whonhurt them in a compassionate way, they pull themselves out of victimhood.
Dr. Ettensohn, I loved this. It makes so much sense. If you still are reading these comments I'd like to share. I completed the exercise of what i consider my "self". To my surprise, I found that I am not my accomplishments, my hobbies, my career or relationships. I am the sum of my own unique life experiences. That is what makes me a unique individual, and the same is true for any other person. No one's journey is the same as anyone else's. That is what a "self" means to me. Our relationships can change, our jobs, our hobbies, our beliefs too. But the while of our life experiences adds to who we are. They shape and build us into who we are. If we can all learn to value our individual life journeys, I think it would promote more healing in the world. God bless everyone on this channel. Thank you for your work. It's helped me so much.
Loved this! Especially the mental pictures you paint. How the self can expand and retract depending on seasons of one’s life and who is in their life. The idea of a house that feels disjointed because of the different styles or eras of furniture. I could really picture it. You really find a beautiful way to explain very abstract concepts.
I was listening to to gain insight into npd development mechanisms, to try and neutralise some of the bad feeling, but just ended up feeling upset at the torture I endured and feelings of shame and anger I still carry, thanks to my NPD stepfather emotionally abusing me from age 7
Thank you very much for your views, I am separating from my 7.5 year partner now, I believe that he falls in your category of NPD, he has a very difficult time talking about his feelings and has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I will try to share your videos and book with him, but the desire to seek help and recognizing that one needs it, is the first step. Thank you again, I am leaning so much.
Hi. That was brillent. Describes my live time experience correctly. Though very difficult to live with such a personwhen they refuse help and get reinforcements. Unfortunately I had to leave as my health & well-being deterated from the lifestyle enforced by the 'damaged self' person. And now the aftermath. Thank you so much for your expertise and professionalism. Very much appreciated.
The person with npd can seek therapeutic help with their disorder. Those people are often overtly successful and have above average incomes. Meanwhile the people they are systematically abusing and often destroying should leave as no one deserves abuse.
@innerwestie1446 - While pwNPD can be charming and successful, they can also be depressive, introverted, and consumed with self-doubt or self-loathing. I have treated both presentations in my practice, as well as many variations in between. The stereotype of financial success in NPD largely comes from two sources. The first is the NPI, which has been used in 3/4 of all narcissism research for the last 35+ years. The NPI has been shown to measure a variant of narcissism that is low in actual psychopathology and high in self-confidence and other qualities often associated with success. The NPI arguably does not actually measure mental illness. The second source is public fantasy and misconception caused by conflating the false self image that many pwNPD seek to project with the actual reality of NPD. Remember that NPD is a personality disorder. It is a form of mental illness associated with moderate to severe coping deficits and problematic interpersonal patterns…not exactly a recipe for sustained success. Thanks for watching.
@innerwestie1446 - Two things can be true at the same time. It can be true that NPD is a mental illness that results in significant distress and dysfunction for many people who have it. It can also be true that some people with NPD abuse those in their lives. No one deserves to be abused or mistreated. But we also don’t need to throw an entire population of mentally ill people in the garbage in order for personal pain and abuse to be valid.
yes it is the most distorted version of self and being proud of distorted self, what i used to believe wrong was i am is destructive what i learned is more destructive is i deserve because when you say i am there is a very small probability of seeing who you are when you say i deserve i don't know what's lying behind that
so this got me thinking, I've noted the profound similarities between vulnerable narcissistic states and Borderline PD pathology, and I was curious if theres any real difference in the internal experience between someone in a vulnerable narcissistic state and someone with BPD? When I was in a really bad spot I was diagnosed with comorbid BPD due to my presentation in the moment, but I always dismissed that as the clinician at inpatient having a poor conception of pathological narcissism. Do you have any opinions on this? Thank you for your time and the video
@@MsMirror This is where the DSM really isn't very good. It tries to shoehorn a lot of traits into personality disorder boxes that are often reductive. The ICD (the system used in most countries) has now abolished all the old personality disorders. Instead, it records the various traits that a person has in a dimensional model. It allows for a much more holistic approach than the DSM.
Give me a minute to jot these down... *Experience of being "self":* I define "me" by the sentiments and idioms I identify with, while rejecting shameful ideas and sentiments. The problem is, these change with both the day and present environment, as doubts mount per the standard passage of time. There are a few stable ones though, and I use fictive introjected characters (such as Alastor here) as focal points for my identity. If I don't talk to other people, my mind will spiral into total confusion and rip the idea of "me" to shreds. Otherwise, we can nail "me" down to my physical presence. *Boundaries of self experience:* I'm not sure I understand the question. I think therefore I am, so you might call me a Cartesian dualist who views my meat suit (including my nerve impulses) as an external object and accordingly subject to external factors that are not always under my control. The A8 attachment style of "externally assembled self" is quite strong in my life, and one which I fight incessantly by isolating myself in contrast to a group. I know all too well that I need to keep track of my reputation with everyone because they are all witnesses to my presence and are living recordings of my affairs. Very tiresome. *Important Introjects:* Most of the one-liners I remember are hostile ones, sadistic ones, those which doubt me, and those which drive me to cynicism. Other than that, I get the impression that a lot of common cultural sayings are used to undermine my efforts. My upbringing was hardly a birth on the beaches of Normandy during the Allied invasion in 1944, but I remember declaring at a young age that I had an unhappy childhood and joked that I "was abused as a child" in high school. Once again, I would decide against an official line on an NPD diagnosis, but needing constant external "good things" (like psychoactives) is not a legitimate or sustainable lifestyle.
What can someone with NPD do when the public health system outright refuses to treat them and no properly qualified therapist is in their price range? Why does there appear to be no such thing as self-help for NPD?
That's a great question, and one that I think deserves it's own episode. Briefly, I think some self-help for NPD is possible. But I also think that NPD is a disorder rooted in early relational trauma, and that the best way to correct some of the deficits caused by that trauma is through a corrective therapeutic relationship.
Dr, I noticed that my ex spouse’s eyes used to go all shark-like and empty when he went into a rage - do you know what I’m talking about ? It used to scare me so much cause it looked like he wasn’t himself anymore 😰
Love your content! Could you make a video on the behavioral pattern of NPD in romantic relationships such as love bombing, devaluation, hot and cold, blameshifting, stonewalling, cheating, then hoovering as if nothing happened? Can and how this kinda pathalogical pattern be healed at all? Having been through the cycle with my ex for a few times (at the time not knowing npd) it seems to me the connection built with an npd is doomed to fail no matter how beautifully it began as the npd lacks resiliency to weather emotional ups and downs (mostly downs) and taking accountability for his own behavior. There was no way to maintain a relationship with my npd ex without taking a tremendous toll on my own psychological wellbeing. In the end, all i could do was to walk away with a broken heart😢
Wonderful, thank you so much. Can you please tell more how to fill that feeling of emptiness, how to learn to be alone without other people. What are the good methods? What person aith covert narcissism can do for yourself without therapist to handle step by step own empty feelings of self? Thank you
Hi Marta - Great questions. Have you watched my video titled “Why narcissists feel empty inside?” That one addresses the empty feeling more specifically. Another good one to watch is “The power of acceptance.” Thanks for your support. 🤗
So how do I heal this and find a sense of self without relying on other people’s validation? Do this mean that I am doomed to a lifetime of suffering if I don’t find positive people who are willing to reassure me and show up for me all the time??
Love yourself first and you will find the validation comes organically. Be ok with your imperfections and strive to do better... no one is expected to be perfect even those who raised us had their imperfections. set goals you would like to achieve and if you do just one thing on the list give yourself a reward a pat on the back. Heck if you wake up and survived that day give praise. Validate yourself! Of all you’ve been through you deserve it. it’s ok to be be grateful you aren’t in the the environment that shaped you. Allow yourself to feel. Let god take the shame so that you can live the life you deserve. I hope that helps
Can we stop calling this a disorder when the person is chosing to be hell on Earth. That's like calling being a crackhead a disease when a person made the choice to do the drug. We have too many excuses for ppl being evil.
You may not like it, but mental illness is a real thing. Mental disorders cause disordered behavior. Dependence on crack cocaine is a valid disorder that can be measured on both a psychological and physiological level. You don’t have to believe in science or medicine or psychology, but it doesn’t make them any less real.
@denises3779 believe it or not free will doesn't exist you can choose not to act on impulse but the impulse still remains. Theres a video on the fact that free will doesn't exist. I don't know what it's called, but in patients that have seizures they disconnect the tissue of the brain that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain to basically isolate the seizure in one hemisphere and these patients can think about what they want to do and their hands do totally different things so you see you can choose to do the right things while actually wanting subconsciously or consciously to do the wrong things.
"so don't give up hope." THANKFULLY I HAVEN'T BECAUSE OF THIS CHANNEL!!!!!
This channel is giving me a small amount of hope, but I realize it's going to be a tough road.
Thanks for creating these informative and compassionate videos on pathological narcissism. The idea that I am a narcissist has lingered in the back of my head for years now, but it had always carried a sense of fear and shame that never allowed me to confront it fully.
I often put it off because I think I’m not grandiose, or I try not to externalize these conflicts because I hate hurting and bothering others, but fundamentally this idea of a disordered self concept is exactly what I have been struggling with. I really appreciate how compassionate and thorough your explanations of narcissism are, it helps me get out of the assumption that calling myself a narcissist is the same as condemning myself to being an irredeemable person, which I think had kept me stuck in denial for so long.
Thank you for being vulnerable. I was thinking the same thing .. about how these videos explain narcissism with objectivity and compassion. This is much needed. When a survivor of narcissistic abuse can view the one whonhurt them in a compassionate way, they pull themselves out of victimhood.
Deeply grateful to have found your page. Thank you for breaking the stigma of this disorder!
Dr. Ettensohn, I loved this. It makes so much sense. If you still are reading these comments I'd like to share. I completed the exercise of what i consider my "self". To my surprise, I found that I am not my accomplishments, my hobbies, my career or relationships. I am the sum of my own unique life experiences. That is what makes me a unique individual, and the same is true for any other person. No one's journey is the same as anyone else's. That is what a "self" means to me. Our relationships can change, our jobs, our hobbies, our beliefs too. But the while of our life experiences adds to who we are. They shape and build us into who we are. If we can all learn to value our individual life journeys, I think it would promote more healing in the world. God bless everyone on this channel. Thank you for your work. It's helped me so much.
beautifully said 👏🏼👏🏼
Loved this! Especially the mental pictures you paint.
How the self can expand and retract depending on seasons of one’s life and who is in their life.
The idea of a house that feels disjointed because of the different styles or eras of furniture. I could really picture it.
You really find a beautiful way to explain very abstract concepts.
Thanks for watching. 🙂
From my experience I could no longer live with this person. Still difficult: made me ill then. Well now.
I was listening to to gain insight into npd development mechanisms, to try and neutralise some of the bad feeling, but just ended up feeling upset at the torture I endured and feelings of shame and anger I still carry, thanks to my NPD stepfather emotionally abusing me from age 7
Narcissism = a system gone wrong
Thank you very much for your views, I am separating from my 7.5 year partner now, I believe that he falls in your category of NPD, he has a very difficult time talking about his feelings and has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I will try to share your videos and book with him, but the desire to seek help and recognizing that one needs it, is the first step. Thank you again, I am leaning so much.
Hi. That was brillent. Describes my live time experience correctly.
Though very difficult to live with such a personwhen they refuse help and get reinforcements. Unfortunately I had to leave as my health & well-being deterated from the lifestyle enforced by the 'damaged self' person. And now the aftermath.
Thank you so much for your expertise and professionalism. Very much appreciated.
Thank you so much for your videos!! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
You are so welcome!
This is such a beautiful and brilliant explanation! Thank you, Dr. Ettensohn! 💖
You're most welcome!
The person with npd can seek therapeutic help with their disorder. Those people are often overtly successful and have above average incomes. Meanwhile the people they are systematically abusing and often destroying should leave as no one deserves abuse.
@innerwestie1446 - While pwNPD can be charming and successful, they can also be depressive, introverted, and consumed with self-doubt or self-loathing. I have treated both presentations in my practice, as well as many variations in between. The stereotype of financial success in NPD largely comes from two sources. The first is the NPI, which has been used in 3/4 of all narcissism research for the last 35+ years. The NPI has been shown to measure a variant of narcissism that is low in actual psychopathology and high in self-confidence and other qualities often associated with success. The NPI arguably does not actually measure mental illness. The second source is public fantasy and misconception caused by conflating the false self image that many pwNPD seek to project with the actual reality of NPD. Remember that NPD is a personality disorder. It is a form of mental illness associated with moderate to severe coping deficits and problematic interpersonal patterns…not exactly a recipe for sustained success. Thanks for watching.
Well I guess their victims just have to stay with them and be abused.
@innerwestie1446 - Two things can be true at the same time. It can be true that NPD is a mental illness that results in significant distress and dysfunction for many people who have it. It can also be true that some people with NPD abuse those in their lives. No one deserves to be abused or mistreated. But we also don’t need to throw an entire population of mentally ill people in the garbage in order for personal pain and abuse to be valid.
So helpful, thank you
yes it is the most distorted version of self and being proud of distorted self, what i used to believe wrong was i am is destructive what i learned is more destructive is i deserve because when you say i am there is a very small probability of seeing who you are when you say i deserve i don't know what's lying behind that
so this got me thinking, I've noted the profound similarities between vulnerable narcissistic states and Borderline PD pathology, and I was curious if theres any real difference in the internal experience between someone in a vulnerable narcissistic state and someone with BPD? When I was in a really bad spot I was diagnosed with comorbid BPD due to my presentation in the moment, but I always dismissed that as the clinician at inpatient having a poor conception of pathological narcissism. Do you have any opinions on this? Thank you for your time and the video
Hi Nameless, I think my next podcast or video will address the differences.
I've wondered this too. The similarities really make things confusing.
@@MsMirror This is where the DSM really isn't very good. It tries to shoehorn a lot of traits into personality disorder boxes that are often reductive. The ICD (the system used in most countries) has now abolished all the old personality disorders. Instead, it records the various traits that a person has in a dimensional model. It allows for a much more holistic approach than the DSM.
Give me a minute to jot these down...
*Experience of being "self":* I define "me" by the sentiments and idioms I identify with, while rejecting shameful ideas and sentiments. The problem is, these change with both the day and present environment, as doubts mount per the standard passage of time. There are a few stable ones though, and I use fictive introjected characters (such as Alastor here) as focal points for my identity. If I don't talk to other people, my mind will spiral into total confusion and rip the idea of "me" to shreds. Otherwise, we can nail "me" down to my physical presence.
*Boundaries of self experience:* I'm not sure I understand the question. I think therefore I am, so you might call me a Cartesian dualist who views my meat suit (including my nerve impulses) as an external object and accordingly subject to external factors that are not always under my control. The A8 attachment style of "externally assembled self" is quite strong in my life, and one which I fight incessantly by isolating myself in contrast to a group. I know all too well that I need to keep track of my reputation with everyone because they are all witnesses to my presence and are living recordings of my affairs. Very tiresome.
*Important Introjects:* Most of the one-liners I remember are hostile ones, sadistic ones, those which doubt me, and those which drive me to cynicism. Other than that, I get the impression that a lot of common cultural sayings are used to undermine my efforts.
My upbringing was hardly a birth on the beaches of Normandy during the Allied invasion in 1944, but I remember declaring at a young age that I had an unhappy childhood and joked that I "was abused as a child" in high school. Once again, I would decide against an official line on an NPD diagnosis, but needing constant external "good things" (like psychoactives) is not a legitimate or sustainable lifestyle.
Can you maybe do a video on how to lessen the core feelings of shame and humiliation?
Love this 🎉
What can someone with NPD do when the public health system outright refuses to treat them and no properly qualified therapist is in their price range? Why does there appear to be no such thing as self-help for NPD?
That's a great question, and one that I think deserves it's own episode. Briefly, I think some self-help for NPD is possible. But I also think that NPD is a disorder rooted in early relational trauma, and that the best way to correct some of the deficits caused by that trauma is through a corrective therapeutic relationship.
Thanks
Welcome 🙂
So informative,helpful. I thought thath narcissism is incurable. My parents, brother and sister and myself are like that.
Dr, I noticed that my ex spouse’s eyes used to go all shark-like and empty when he went into a rage - do you know what I’m talking about ? It used to scare me so much cause it looked like he wasn’t himself anymore 😰
Thank you
Love your content! Could you make a video on the behavioral pattern of NPD in romantic relationships such as love bombing, devaluation, hot and cold, blameshifting, stonewalling, cheating, then hoovering as if nothing happened? Can and how this kinda pathalogical pattern be healed at all?
Having been through the cycle with my ex for a few times (at the time not knowing npd) it seems to me the connection built with an npd is doomed to fail no matter how beautifully it began as the npd lacks resiliency to weather emotional ups and downs (mostly downs) and taking accountability for his own behavior.
There was no way to maintain a relationship with my npd ex without taking a tremendous toll on my own psychological wellbeing. In the end, all i could do was to walk away with a broken heart😢
In my 5th year of therapy to undo the damage my narc father inflicted on me. There's no excuse to abusing a child. They get no sympathy from me
@susandelgado1177 - I glad you are doing the work to heal. No one here is asking you to have sympathy for someone who hurt you.
Wonderful, thank you so much. Can you please tell more how to fill that feeling of emptiness, how to learn to be alone without other people. What are the good methods? What person aith covert narcissism can do for yourself without therapist to handle step by step own empty feelings of self? Thank you
Hi Marta - Great questions. Have you watched my video titled “Why narcissists feel empty inside?” That one addresses the empty feeling more specifically. Another good one to watch is “The power of acceptance.” Thanks for your support. 🤗
it can also b character disordr
So how do I heal this and find a sense of self without relying on other people’s validation? Do this mean that I am doomed to a lifetime of suffering if I don’t find positive people who are willing to reassure me and show up for me all the time??
Love yourself first and you will find the validation comes organically. Be ok with your imperfections and strive to do better... no one is expected to be perfect even those who raised us had their imperfections. set goals you would like to achieve and if you do just one thing on the list give yourself a reward a pat on the back. Heck if you wake up and survived that day give praise. Validate yourself! Of all you’ve been through you deserve it. it’s ok to be be grateful you aren’t in the the environment that shaped you. Allow yourself to feel. Let god take the shame so that you can live the life you deserve. I hope that helps
Could you please explain the differences between a Malignant NPD and Psychopath.
Thank you
I have a video that breaks down malignant narcissism on my channel. You might find that helpful. 😊
@@healnpdThank you.
I appreciate your quick reply. I look forward to watching your recommended video.
I felt seen alright. Seen as a fat child.😂
This is wrong. Narcissism is when people are mean to me
Lololol
😂
🤣
😂 some of the best jokes are just so simple but true
Lol
Narcissists shouldn't have children.
most are unaware so they dont even notice
@@Wasp239 💯
Can we stop calling this a disorder when the person is chosing to be hell on Earth. That's like calling being a crackhead a disease when a person made the choice to do the drug. We have too many excuses for ppl being evil.
You may not like it, but mental illness is a real thing. Mental disorders cause disordered behavior. Dependence on crack cocaine is a valid disorder that can be measured on both a psychological and physiological level. You don’t have to believe in science or medicine or psychology, but it doesn’t make them any less real.
@Heal NPD it's not a disorder so now we're applauding bad behavior
If you are referring to your example of a ‘crackhead’ then yes it very much is a valid, diagnosable disorder called Substance Use Disorder.
@@denises3779 I dont see where its being applauded, its getting a fair view of the villainized. its ignorant to not see both sides
@denises3779 believe it or not free will doesn't exist you can choose not to act on impulse but the impulse still remains. Theres a video on the fact that free will doesn't exist. I don't know what it's called, but in patients that have seizures they disconnect the tissue of the brain that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain to basically isolate the seizure in one hemisphere and these patients can think about what they want to do and their hands do totally different things so you see you can choose to do the right things while actually wanting subconsciously or consciously to do the wrong things.