should YOU have kids? (childfree by choice)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 มี.ค. 2024
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Every time I make a video about me not wanting children, I always get a lot of comments from people who still don’t know if they should. So if you’re not sure yet, why not dig into all this a little, together with me, and see if we can figure something out. Because what’s most important here, when it comes to a decision as life changing as becoming a parent, is just that: it should be a decision. Not something that just accidentally happens, because you know, it’s what society says should be our next step on the adulthood ladder. And to make that decision the three fundamentals are, if you ask me, to be mindful of what content you consume, to be extremely careful who you listen to, and to do quite a lot of daydreaming.
I talk about:
- why you should have children
- why you shouldn’t have children
- my thoughts on kids
- what to do when you’re undecided
- being childfree
- the trouble with parenthood
- books about being childfree
- being by yourself
- growing old
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I’m about to be 24 and I stopped telling people about not wanting kids because they get so mad and hostile for no reason. I’m happy I can think for myself in a society that hates women who think for themselves
That is such a terrible way to treat someone and it makes me frustrated to hear society thinks it's ok to treat young women this way!! You have every right to live your life how you want, with nobody interfering with whether you want children or not.
I have 2 kids, they are my life as I've always been a stay-at-home mom, and worked casual jobs around their schedules. However, I always tell people *do not have kids if you don't want them* because even when you want kids very badly, there will be many days you will wish you could send them back to where they came from! I'm much older than you are, so as someone who has lived a lot of their life already, please just be you and follow the path in life that makes you happy =)
I don't want biological children either (maybe adopting). I support you!
the worlds 1% applauds you. Its exactly the outcome desired.
Having kids or not is a very personal decision, and it should be noboody else's business. It is so private it should not have to be justified. Ever
No one should have an opinion or value that challenges you. EVER. Let's stop having different points of view.
@@sassyplatypus ..... Why would you challenge a woman's decision to be ' childfree ?' Yes, you may disagree and have a different opinion but frankly...it's not your business.
@@deeporter7369here you are having an opinion lol
I'm older...60 this year with no kids and no regrets. I am seriously entertaining the idea of adopting a 40 year old when I'm 90...but until then all good. :)
I'm only in my 30s but I've been thinking of adopting a grown-up when I'm 80+ 🙂
Thank you for your input, it's really helpful to hear a real person's perspective and not some people telling me I will regret it without having tried it themselves!
I genuinely think that’s a great option. My mom has both me and my sister but she has unofficially adopted several adult children at this point. She’s become the de facto mama to the whole queer community ever since we came out ❤
About regret:
Who says your children want or can take care of you when you’re older?
Also the fear of being lonely is more of a reflection of the person asking this.
Last but not least: let’s say we do regret not having kids. I would rather regret that than regret actually having kids. Because then it’s just me having to live with that, not my children too.
Lovely video! ❤
Love your last note about prefering to regret not experiencing it than putting your kids through it. I am in my mid 30s now and I have never had the urge. I already feel like I can barely keep my own stuff together, bringing a child into my messy equation would not be a good environment for them. I also don't think I am strong enough to raise a child if they have disabilities or special needs. My sister is currently doing IVF and I am excited to be the cool aunt!
Exactly! I was stunned once when a friend told me I had to have kids because who would take care of me when I get old?! PLEASE do not have kids for that reason.
Having children to curb your fear of being lonely is the most selfish thing I've ever heard of and people who do this and then say that childfree people are selfish are a textbook example of projection
One thing I find a bit interesting is that I am childfree in my 40s and I do care for my parents as they are aging (mid to late 70s), especially my mother, in a way that my friends with children of their own do not have the time, energy, or inclination to do for their own aging parents. Most of them are consumed with caring for children and working. Many of them do not have financial or time resources to devote to their elders at all even if they love and care for them very much.
I don't say that to brag on myself but to point out there is not always a chain of care like a lot of people envision or idealize.
Exactly, in most cases as soon as the parent become old they end up in retirement homes
I never understood why not having a child means that one is being 'selfish'? I always understood it to be the opposite. Having a child is the most selfish act that one can do. The child did not ask to be brought into being, they have no obligation to bring joy to the parent or to anyone, they have no obligation to take care of the parent when they grow old, etc, etc
How is having a child selfish? Demanding they care for you when you are old is selfish. But how on earth loving another human and giving them the world, showing up every day and do your best, how is this selfish? I don’t consider either having or not having children a selfish choice.
I think the argument is because we need people to contribute economically to society if im not mistsken
@@BioBioLove the decision is what I am talking about not what happens afterwards. It's good that you don't consider having a child or not having a child as a selfish choice but many do unfortunately hence my comment. PS I was hoping it would provoke.
@@Meksinkler I am curious, are you considering your parent’s decision to have you selfish? I struggle to understand this point, at least me, I am happy to be alive. Anyways, we are all good people, having kids or not. There are no prizes either way, we just have a short period on this earth and we’d rather be happy. For me that means my kid, cause the world shines when he laughs. For someone else it might be something else. People’s obsession with one size fits all is exhausting.
@@BioBioLove I am not the person you are asking this question, but will contribute my perspective anyway. as someone who is very sensitive and has had bouts of $uic1dal depression since at least 2006, more often than not, I would prefer to have been spared this "grand opportunity" called life. For all the beauty that exists and can exist, the pain and suffering this world & consequently life comes with, isn't worth it to me. I am sure I am not the only person out of 8billion of us who experiences life this way.
My fiancé and I have made the decision to not have children, and we get told all the time we will change our minds, regret it when old, and that we are selfish. We will not base years of our lives around a few years of elderly life that may or may not bring certain feelings. We will not change our minds because we love freedom and cats are all we can tolerate, we don’t even see many other people outside of our jobs much, so having to be around children all day that rely solely on us is not what we want. We also see it as selfish to have kids only to have someone there for you when old. I also am the oldest of ten siblings and took care of them a lot of the time from ages 10-18. Children can bring joy, but 80% of the time it’s tireless work and a lot of pain, especially since children aren’t always the angels they are made out to be. We don’t feel a minute per day of joy is worth hours a pain a day. Thank you so much for posting this video, I love seeing other child free people supporting other child free people! ❤
Love your comment, so true!!!!
On the contrary, you are not being selfish at all. Selfish would be if you have children and not dedicate to them as they need. You are both being thoughtful because you know that isn't a path that you both search, the parenthood one.
Congratulations! I'm happy for you :-)
I understand your point and I think if someone doesn’t want children then it is the best choice not to have them. I have to add though, I don’t know anyone who had children just to have a caretaker for his old days. It is so much work, just like you said, to bring up children and the old age is so far away when they are born, that your retirement years don’t even come to mind, believe me 😅. And again, I agree, a women should never be forced into having children, because it really comes with sacrifices and responsibilities that you should be able to decide about for yourself. The other thing is the family history. I have a few friends how didn’t want children because of their own hard childhood and it was not an easy decision for them, but I respect them for it.
@@kulgabAnd if you don't have children you will probably have more money to pay someone to take care of you. :D
I wouldn't want my children to have to do this anyway. My mother did it for her parents and noone should be forced to do this work. Also your own children would be paid way worse than stangers, at least in Germany.
I firmly believe in one person's dream is another's nightmare. We don't all think the same.
One of my best friends gives me all the gritty details about her two pregnancies, and what it's like to be a mother. She loves her kids more than anything, and doesn't regret her choice at all, but she happily reaffirms my child-free view constantly. Her kids, and my closest friend's nephews are enough child interaction for me.
My mother has highly encouraged me to NOT become a mother.. I found myself pregnant when I was 28 (I am 38 now) and I was so uncertain about it, I opened up about my doubts and concerns. I had always thought I would be childfree. But obviously being pregnant I had to change my thinking and entertain motherhood. Long story short it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy which is not a viable pregnancy. It ruptured in my fallopian tube and I lost my right Fallopian tube & ovary. Needless to say, I am single I have been for over 3 years now, I am celibate. I love living alone, and my slow & quiet life. I am so content! And as much as that experience was intense and a bit traumatizing. I am now okay with the outcome. 💕💫 Great Video.
As a happy mother of one daughter,I couldn’t agree more with everything you said…Once you have the first child, people will start asking when you will be having a second child. “We are not interested in having another child “ has always been our answer, and yes, lots of people tried to launch a campaign about the wonders of having more than one child… Different people, different things…
I've heard the argument "if you only have one child it will be lonely" - well, I grew up an only child and I've never felt lonely in that sense, or that I'm missing a sibling. Don't people know kids have friends? ;)
Exactly the same for us. We absolutely love having our one daughter. She's just started university and we are still a little happy family unit. So proud of her as she gains her independence. She has cousins, and aunties and uncles who all love her loads.
This is really reassuring as someone that has a daughter who is almost 2 and is pretty sure I am one and done. There is so much pressure from other people saying how lonely she'll be and it can be hard to cut out all that background noise and pressure !
@@sophielc2437 God loves you. Romans 8:38-39. I hope you know it's okay, and not to scare you but not every mother survives childbirth, if one child is fine for you that's great! Enjoy and love that one! You can cast all your anxieties onto Him because He cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7.
My parents had my sister and I and still got asked when they’d have a boy 🤦
Please continue to make more content on this topic, Jenny. I feel you're one of the few people out there who speaks so openly and candidly about being child-free. ❤
You are right, there is a lot of pressure on women on having children, but there is also pressure from the other side, which is much more subtle, like: “There are already too many people in the world, so don’t make the problem even bigger”. Or: “Don’t be stupid and give up your life just for fulfilling your role as a mother.” You really have to close all doors and make the decision for yourself.
Agreed!
I am 47 and love my life of being a woman without children! I've known since my very early teens this was the life for me. I feel lucky to have a partner I'm mad about and he never wanted children either. So many things you mentioned suit me too Jenny, like ample sleep and quiet time, beautiful things and simplicity. That's the life for me!
I loved 'Okay Days' for many reasons but the childfree theme was wonderfully relatable. I remember being in a relationship with my first love early 20s and realizing he and his family were picturing us having children once we finished college. I was so horrified by that realization, as I already knew for certain I was never going to want that life.
As a Canadian, I kept hearing that the show Workin' Moms was hilarious & realistic. For years, I couldn't even attempt to watch it, because I wanted to be a mom SO badly, and content about motherhood would trigger a deep sadness and irrational jealousy. As I became a stepparent, I finally watched Workin' Moms, and what an absolute gem of a show! It's a realistic/nuanced portrayal of motherhood. These days, I'm very content with stepmotherhood - my health isn't great, the economy is concerning, and I'm at peace with never giving birth to a child myself. It's an in-between state, but it feels like where I'm meant to be ✨
Kids are a full life commitment. If you’re on the fence, you’re best not to in my opinion. You have to be fully in, no hesitation because it’s HARD. If you feel like you have no purpose in life or your relationship is incomplete - don’t have kids to fill a purpose or a hole in your relationship. It’s not going to make things better for you.
If you’re looking to social media for a sign that you’re making the right decision to have a kid or not, you also probably shouldn’t have a kid.
I'm 60 and blissfully blessed with zero children. No regrets, no problems. I've been accused of all sorts over the years - selfish, immature, deluded; usually be people who have kids and don't look very happy about it 🙂
Whoever said that they pity you and David for the choices you've made is projecting their own regrets onto you. I envy you your stable and free from violence upbringing and I definitely envy you your lifestyle. People who say there's something wrong with how you choose to live must be burdened with their own lack of fulfillment even though they'd try to convince you that they're happy. No happy person criticizes another in such way.
Yeah I was about to say that. No truly happy and fulfilled person criticises the life choice of someone else. People invalidating other peoples happiness are just projecting their doubts and fears.
Couldn't agree more!
Well said.
I am also childfree, despite the fact that the country I live in is very pushy about women giving birth. Thank you for this video. 😘
I sense that you are Hungarian ❤ so happy thag the whole CSOK pressure and the fake family oriented propaganda is not working on you! Too many people had 2nd and 3rd babies purely because they got extra money for them, so sad 😢
@@SophieKopf Yes, I am Hungarian. I have always been the type who made long-term decisions not based on emotions but facts and risk factors. Many factors contributed to my decision-making. However, there are many people who were seduced by the promise of money and only for that reason did they take two or three children.
Mine also became extra pushy nowadays.. But childfree women still tell everyone to f... off 😂
Yup, that's me, at 63, never had children, never wanted children. My older sister wanted them and had them. I asked both my mom and grandmother what they thought about having children and they both said if they thought it was a choice they would have never had them 🤨 So sad! But they both supported me in my decision!!!
I'm 47 and childfree. All of my close female friends have 2-4 kids each but over half say this too.
Hej there! New Mama here of a 4-month old. I did not have him to make me less lonely. I had him because I genuinely wanted to experience pregnancy and raising a child with my lovely husband. I think that the sole reason of having children is to give our best attempt to raise them a resilient adult. And that is a LOT of work and responsibility. Not everyone will want that or should have that. There are way to many people who have kids who absolutely should not have kids. We should be more understanding when it comes to childlessness and there should absolutely be less intrusive questioning from wannabe grandparents about babies, period. Oh also, I did not decide to have a baby so that I can have grandchildren 😂
My son is 6 m now and I have the same view on the subject. I could have him 16 years ago,
but I enjoyed my life as childfree adult.
Glad it's going well for you. My marriage was a disaster and wish I had not become a parent.
I am 38, going on 39 and the older I get, the happier I am to be childfree. With the years, I only got more secure in my decision. I used to want kids in my teen years and my early 20's, but I realized that I only liked the idea, the kodak moment, but not the concrete reality of having a kid - raising a kid, into teenage year and adulthood, for the rest of my existence - with no way out. Love your video! :)
love your calmness. I am really struggling with the pressure from family, friends and internet - while I personally never ever wanted children. It gives me alot of anxiety, I can't sleep and feel that stupid "clock " ticking. Your calmness gives me more strength to stand by myself.
I have 2 kids.I m happy about my decision.Jenny,very well said&point of view explained.
I am 68 years old. I have 3 grown children, 3 step-children, 3 children-in-laws, and 8 grandchildren. One great grandchild on the way. I would never tell ANYONE to have a child unless they are totally committed to it! It isn’t my business what anybody else chooses to do. Having a child is definitely expensive, exhausting, and gut-wrenching. It is also beautiful and joyful. I loved having kids but not everybody gets joy from that. You do you! Xo
I feel like I’ve seen more content about how hard it is to be pregnant and be a mother. From such an early age I was scared of the process to the point I wanted to adopt. I can feel myself coming around to the idea of pregnancy finally. That being said, I know I want to be a mother, so it’s not like I’m changing my mind about that part.
Same. Tbh, it feels like online the pressure is quite the opposite haha - the amount of negativity / fear mongering towards pregnancy and motherhood can get quite intense (even in this comments section by people who were never pregnant themselves even🙈). Needless to say after all that I was very pleasantly surprised to find that I’ve never ever been happier than last 8.5 months of pregnancy (or on at least a consistent happy hormonal high haha). It was challenging too ofc, but like anything in life - the right preparation and attitude helps immensely. Further, I guess it just helps to remember that it’s the most natural thing done by most women throughout ages, it really would be silly if it were truly that impossible of a task with no redeeming qualities. Life is all about balance and what you make of it 🤗
I can relate! I feel like people always talk about parenthood as something hard, a constant struggle. I didnt plan to be a parent but now I am, and I didnt have very high expectations of it. But tbh, its fun! And a very existential experience. Also, its hard to understand that something that before would seem boring can feel so meaningful. With that said i dont think people like me, that doesnt have any particular longing for children, will regret not having any. I didnt need my child until i got him. Theres a lot of meaningful and fulfilling things to spend your time on, you just need to find what you enjoy in life 🫶🏼
I loved being pregnant. There were a few discomforts in the last 2 -3 weeks. But overall, I really enjoyed it. A big thing I did was work out regularly right until the day before I gave birth. I think that made my body really strong and healthy during pregnancy.
Agree. I think people make too much of a deal about pregnancy - it's just a few months of your life at the end of the day. I'm pretty sure I had stuff in my fridge when I got pregnant that was still there when my boy was born 😀 Birth was horrible and had ongoing complications- but again a fairly brief experience. I feel like my world has opened up as a parent, not gotten smaller.
Agree. While I respect all choices, I feel like people today are very attached to their non-parent self, perhaps because we have children later so we are afraid of losing what we know of as “adulthood”. But life is meant to evolve, challenges to be taken, to continue to grow.
With a demanding job and all I also had only negative feelings about pregnancy, but ultimately life is not only made of job travel and going to restaurants.
me and my partner are happily childfree. i never decided i don't want kids, i just never wanted them ever, at all, never even once considered it. we should normalize people doing what they want without being pressured ❤
I started to question whether I wanted children or not for 6-7 years ago when I got married. We are now 27 and 30. we haven't gone back as it stands now. I watched both your video and a few others a few years ago that helped me with the guilt. I long more to be godmother to my best friend's child or if/when my brother chooses to be a father. Being an extra adult in someone's life feels more amazing! + I have more time for my own needs!🥰
Always a good discussion on this topic, Jenny! Thank you :)
Oh my! The books recommendations are super good! Thank you
I'm 29 and quite sure I'll never have any children. The only times I feel like I'd like to have one is when I see a cute little baby in front of me, or when I picture myself being a grandmother. But then I remember all the responsibilities that come between those two phases lol. I love living a minimalistic lifestyle, being able to take financial risks like quitting a job and moving abroad whenever I want because the only person I have to care for is myself and my partner.
From my experience, the most pitiful thing is to decide for a child to be less lonely and/or more fulfilled - and not even be aware of that. And even worse, to join (=be 'accepted' by) the herd. In general, we know so little about things beyond or below our conscious minds, despite all our attempts to be self-reflective. So, if one brings a child into this world, one is better prepared to work hard on oneself. Sounds ominous? On the contrary, there is where a solution lies, IMO.
What would you describe as a mature/reasonable/admirable reasoning/motivation to have a child? I know that I want to have kids one day, and always knew that (without any pressure from my family or environment, just to be clear), but I honestly struggle to rationalize this desire for myself so much.
It's important to remember to support those who have chosen to have kids because they're raising the next generation. Even though I made a decision to not have kids (almost 53, no regrets), doesn't mean I don't understand the value of children to society. So it's important to vote people into government who put family-friendly policies in place to support those who do choose to have kids.
But those who have children are 99% so I do not know I need to encourage them anymore.
You might change your mind as you get older and realise how much care you need.
@@jodywinter8171did you listen to the video though? Why is it always about growing up older and regretting it or changing your mind? Why can’t adults be firm in the decision they know is best for them then and there?
Child bearers don’t need support, they are indeed the majority
@@Sarafara7 Hi there. I did listen to the video. Didn't mean to cause any offence here... I'm just saying that while I chose to not have kids, I still want to help and support those who chose to have them because that builds a strong society that benefits everyone. And I'm not sure my original comment implied that I have a "you'll regret it when you get older" subtext..? But hey, I am on some pretty strong pain meds right now as I deal with the aftermath of shingles, so maybe I missed something in the video? 😄 Apologies for any offence or misunderstanding caused! No harm meant. x
I don't have children, I am 63, and mainly I am glad I do not. I have many nieces and nephews, and my friends all have children, that is good for me. They're cute and all but at the end of the day I am glad to be Auntie.
I love the way you approach this video! Is a conversation that is interesting to have and to think about! You are brave for bringing this discussion!
Thank you for this lovely video, everything well said
I really like that you oppened this subject… I needed it ❤ hard to decide tho
Interesting and really very personal! I am incredibly blessed mom of one precious son. Not planned, very easy pregnancy and really kind, loving and happy child. My life is good but he is the most precious and special part of it. I never thought about children and here we are now, could not be happier ❤!
When you mentioned the book and talked about it's content I felt like: Finally! Someone who feels the same about pregnancy. And your reaction to the book would be mine as well. I'm lucky I was never pushed to be a mother. My family and friends always understood that I'm not a motherly type. I'm sort of a parentally figure to couple of children in my private circle, but they take me more as a mentor. And I'm totally fine with it. I'm in my mid 40s and never ever regretted being child free.
Can I ask do you feel that you can still stay friends with your circle after they had kids? I am in my mid 30s and have distanced away from a lot of girlfriends since they've have kids. We just don't have much in common anymore and I feel that they are always judging about my single life. Do you have a group of friends that don't have kids?
@@thebonniewong You are right, this tends to be an issue because when my friends had kids they suddenly didn't have much free time and they appeared to be in a different world than I am. Some friendships survived this phase of their early parenthood, some didn't. I was patient and the really good friends came back after a few years longing for contacts with people who don't talk about kids only :-) Some of my friends don't have kids and some do. TBH we hardly ever talk about me being child free. They always knew me as such and so it's not a topic for them anymore. And I never comment on their decision to be a parent either. I guess I'm very lucky :-)
This is SO accurate. I love your wording when it comes to "childfree-until-proven-parent". That's exactly what I explain to others when asked whether I want children or not.
I see my life as without a child and a really big reason would have to come my way in order for me to change my mind.
Lots of love
Thank you for this Video!!
I’ve seen a whole lot of videos on the subject of being child free, but for some reason, I particularly love this one! Thank you so much, Jenny. I’m sure I’ll get back to it many times whenever I feel insecure about my decision 🙏
Thank you, Jenny! This is so affirming and comforting. We need more videos like this!❤
Thank you for this video, Jenny! It is like medicine to me. I love it! ❤
that dark blue shirt suits you so well!
Love your videos!
Tack Jenny, ska läsa boktipsen! Och speciellt din bok - stort grattis! ✨✨✨✨
I’d recommend reading Olive by Emma Gannon, thanks for the video☺️
I have two children and never regretted it. Bit I will be also the first to admit that it is hard to make space for your own stuff, hobbies and interests. There needs to be a great partnership between the two caregivers in order to plan that everybody has their own private time to regain ownership over their own mind. This is the biggest problem for me. The rest is more or less good stuff. Ah.. yes, one more thing on the bad side, there is nothing as painful as your child suffering without you being able to help them, especially when sick. Maybe it is just me, but I would totally skip this feeling, if I can. For me and my husband overall is a very good thing, that we have our kids and there is no regret at all. The good things, I will not describe, as they are quite obvious and already mentioned a lot in the popular culture.
Thank you for the cf content ❤
Thanks for another great video with meaningful but also enjoyable content ❤ I struggle a lot with the decision whether I want kids. Luckily I am only 26 and have a very understanding boyfriend who could live with both decisions.
I find it so interesting that you said this about Rachel Cusk's book. I literally just finished it today, and chose to read it after seeing your IG story about it and the warning not to read it if pregnant. I myself am struggling with the question of whether or not to become a mother in the coming years so I have become very interested in literature about women's personal experiences with this. And I don't want to shy away from reading about the tough aspects of it. But indeed, just like your friend, I was... Just not appalled by it? Cusk's writing was really explicit about it all, and yet I was like: yeah I still want to experience that for myself. I'm not saying you singlehandedly convinced me to definitely have kids😅 but very grateful for your book recommendation, this was definitely eye opening.
So good to be watching your video again after a long while Jenny, you look as gorgeous and glowy as always! And David too! Fan from Hong Kong
I decided to go child free and I and very sure about that for the rest of my life.
Just found your page for the first time. Thank you for this video and your thoughts. All great points and I look forward to hearing more in the future - and watching your others too! As someone who was childless not by choice after trying for years …and now considers myself childfree as changed mind, I find this video very validating to watch. I love your book recommendations too! ❤
Thank you, i will keep this Video and send it to all those unsensitive People who targed me why i don't want kids, because you nailed it and your words are on point. I could speak 2 hours because i have so many reasons, but then it seems helpless to others because i don't come to a point. You are so good in your explaining. And i will send this to childfree woman to give them release that we are not alone❤thank you from Germany
My favorite book related to this is Shelia Heti’s “motherhood” ❤
To me, having or not having children is based on whether or not someone can consistently afford a kid emotionally, timewise AND financially for at least the first 18 years. Not "this, this or that", not 2 out of 3, only 3x "yes" would make it count. If just one is off, it's a hard pass. If it sounds like absolute utopia to have all three in check (like it does for me), then not bringing another living being in this world is the way. Again, this is highly subjective and my personal moral compass. Might sound strict and idealistic, but I've seen enough cases where at least one of the three was off and the kid was, let's say, struggling to have a good time, in the short and long run.
1st pregnancy: LOVED being pregnant, felt super beautiful & sexy, no morning sickness, an absolute dream❤
2nd pregnancy: HATED being pregnant, felt ugly, overwhelmed & over weight, morning sickness all the time🤮
I laughed out loud when you said one is like a 👜 . I have 2 of my own and 2 more that were my sisters, that I adopted. I adopted them out of family pressure and obligation. I can honestly say that I am now 48 and if I could go back in time... I'd have been child free. Hind sight is a beautiful thing and I commend yoyband David for honouring yourselves and each other 🎉🎉🎉
I have thinking about this quite a long time and get struggle in it.but finally i realize that to knowing myself’s feeling is so important,and not to have children is also a very hard ,brave decition to make,as much as hard to having a baby.not only a one side decition.
I still don't know 😢 but you make great points in the video, as always
100% agree with you
It's always good to watch videos about this choice that are trying not to be biased by either side. I'm still in the decicion making and what i really try to to differentiate in my daydreams is what comes from my real inner motivation, what comes from outside expectations and what comes to my mind out of fear. I also try to read as many books as i can in the topic. Though i know that no book, no movie or no comment will ensure me about making the right decicion, i think it's usefull to see waht i my automatic reactions to this impacts. Just as you said about Rachel Cusk's book. One of my favorite novel on the topic is Motherhood Sheila Heti because it's so reassuring to see that it' not a black and white decicion and i'm not inmature because it takes years to me to deiside.
Thank you for this well balanced calm video! I hate when both sides get so aggressive either calling me useless if i dont have kids or calling kids disgusting...
I really recommend "Never never never" by Linn Strømsborg. It has a similar topic as "Ok days" but spoiler alert (!) takes a different route.
The selfishness thing I really can't understand for the life of me. If choose not to have children, who the hell am I being selfish towards? The human species? We're 8 billion so the species isn't in dare need of another individual. Am I being selfish towards my country, where birth rates are declining? First I didn't choose to be born here, and I didn't choose to be born a woman so I don't owe anything to my country. Second the idea that countries with declining birth rates should do something to bring them back up is ridiculous as the world's population is already probably too much for the planet to sustain long term and countries are nothing but conventions we made up, with borders we made up, and cultures we made up, and they all change throughout history as empires rise and fall. So me having or not having a child isn't going to change anything except my own life and the life of my closest family. Am I being selfish towards my parents? No because I don't owe them grandchildren and thank god they understand that. Am I being selfish towards someone who doesn't exist? A possibility? Why is living your own life considered selfish? I don't know, do you call selfish people who don't buy a car, because they don't contribute to the economy or something? No, because it's ridiculous, it's their choice to buy a car or not. So why for not having children you're selfish?
There is nothing better when you get home tired after work, or other events and appreciate that you don't have kids and can do whatever you want, or rest whenever you want. That's true happiness for me
A very good video - I agree with everything you said and I'm so happy that this conversation is becoming more open in society in general. I have never wanted children - in fact, I vividly remember the conversation with my mother when I was five when I learned that one had to actually take action to become pregnant and that it didn't just spontaneously happen. My little mind exploded and I announced then and there, much to mother's chagrin, that I wasn't ever going to have babies (lol) and 35 years later, I still don't. In fact, I'm having a tubal ligation next week (so excited and relieved)! I have a niece and a nephew now and I love them to pieces and I am a very active auntie... and that's it. Having them in my life has enriched it immensely but also has reaffirmed that being child-free is the right choice for me - and that choice reflects absolutely ZERO judgment on anyone else's choices. :)
Great point of view!!! Congratulations. I am also child free by choice and I am very happy. I have 49 years old.
Thank you for making this video, dear Jenny! You've been my role model for years now, and I am happy that you are putting it out there. So more women can finally start feeling liberated and in control of their own body and mind. To make decisions for yourselves, for our own good, and ultimately for the society's good. I've recently decided I am going to write a book about it and you are one of my inspirations:) Love, Victoria from Amsterdam
Amen to this video❤
"My Work" by Olga Ravn is an incredible portrayal of womanhood and pregnancy :)
Thank you for your childfree content! More childfree voices is a good thing, there is so much pressure from society to have children and I’m sure that some people are pressured into having children. I almost was, even though I knew I never wanted children. Content like yours will help others ❤
Thank you for such a kind and inspiring video Jenny! I also don't want to have children and am thinking of getting my tubes tied - still unsure about taking such a radical step, but for now I have more than enough children in my life, being a teacher :)
While I completely respect the choice, I would never recommend it to a friend: Why taking such an irreversible step when(if) there is no medical need? It’s much better to continue to choose every day the life you want to live as opposed to be bound to a certain choice
Thanks again for a lovely video about childfree living! I'm happy to say I jumped off the fence a while ago. It feels so good to finally admit to myself and the world I don't want children, ever, and live my childfree life! Before I was still like, maybe, but most likely not. But now I'm really sure and this feels liberating. What helps a lot is to have a bunch of childfree people in my life to spend my life with. This is so important to me. I never feel the societal pressure anymore, because I surround myself with like-minded people. This is also why I will keep following you and your life Jenny! So thanks again for sharing! ❤
can't wait to read the book, thank you for talking about it. I am personally 100% never having a child.. probably never going to marry either. Personally, it is not for me. I am also bipolar, which makes me more afraid of the possibility of my entire self changing through and or after pregnancy. It is not for me and neither am I a child person, maybe because I was the youngest born. (Many more reasons aswell, like financial...etc). Eitherway-- Love any conversation regarding it and the realities of what may occur.
When I first started to think about this question, I found so many reasons against bringing kids into the world (that had much more to do with the world than kids themselves), but my fiancé managed to convince me otherwise. To put it extremely short, He’s argument was that decisions should be made from a positive and powerful place and that life is always the most powerful and positive thing. Or something. I also tried to envision my old age and it felt empty without the prospect of having a family. Anyways, we have two kids now and I love them more than I ever thought possible. That said, parenting is extremely hard at times, and I have pretty easy kids. I understand why people would choose not to have kids and I think it’s a reasonable decision. In a way, I almost see it as a subconscious sacrifice on behalf of the whole planet…. On the other hand, I wonder what is going to happen when there’s many more elderly than working age people - who is going to care for them, who’s going to provide their pensions etc. I’m also wondering if we’re, as a society, putting lifestyle on the place of Northern Star instead of values.
But most importantly, children deserve to have parents who really wanted them!
definitely read my friend Szilvia Molnar's incredible novel "The Nursery" too!
I absolutely love all your childfree videos!!! I am 33 and don’t want kids. At times, it has been challenging living in a society that is very kid / parenting-focussed. I question myself sometimes, but only when I’m by myself and my thoughts are running wild - any time I read or see anything having to do with raising kids, I nope right out of there! Nothing about it appeals to me. Thanks for another great video 🙂
Great video on an important topic. Thank you for speaking so truthfully and intelligently about a life choice that should be nobody else's business but our own. I was born and raised in Bulgaria (and still live here) and society's pressure on childfree people is simply incredible. To such an extent that at my dad's funeral a couple months ago a female relative that I haven't seen in a good 20 years, first, asked me about my marital status (I'm single and happy), and then "wished" me to please her with "some good news" next time we meet. My response was quite blunt: "Why would you wish me sth. I don't want? I'm 45 and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't think that I've waited all this time for you to come and tell me what to do". I have a life to live, m'am 😄
Колко успокояващо, ако живееш в страна, където си половин човек, ако нямаш деца! Много смело от твоя страна ❤
@@eliali6484Да, много правилно, обществото в БГ те кара да се чувстваш точно така - като половин човек. Въпросът е да чуваш ясно собствения си глас, да не живееш заради другите.
Thank you for this video! 40’s, child free and absolutely no regrets. For me it is, and will always be a choice of freedom over bondage to societal stereotypes of who I should be ❤
- This is so freakin relatable.
And that is OKEY to not want Children....My 108-year-old late aunt did not and never had children. She loved her life and her husband and transitioned child-free...Quiet, Peaceful, clean space, and truly Grateful..more days than not... I have been told. I am "selfish."
I'm a bit young still, turning 26 this year, and yes, I'm on the fence. I really don't know... I believe if I want to I'll have them once I'm around 32-34, so I still have a few years to wonder.
This is truly the opposite of my problems! My parents never asked me about children, of my friends, or any tbh more than “do you want kids some day” and moved on when I said no. So no pressure. And neither me and my partner haven’t even consider to be parents. It just feels so unnatural for us so it’s not even a choice to make.
I agree with absolutely everything you have said here. I have been a mom for 18 years. I love being a mom and I have always been home either full-time or working casual jobs around their schedules. However, kids will not cure your loneliness, please do not bring a baby into this world with the job of fixing your needs I was raised this way, trust me, it is abuse to have this expectation on a child!
To each and everyone their own! Do what you want, and it's nobody's business! ❤
Have you read My Work by Olga Ravn yet? Similar vibe to the Cusk!
I enjoy your very intelligent content
Hi Jenny! I loved your discourse on Motherhood; 'To be, or not to be'. I was heavily pressurised by just about everyone in my social circle, to have children.
I knew, aged 6 yrs, that motherhood was NOT for me. Yet, for years, other women, and mothers, made me feel like an outcast, because of my choice. I learnt to stay silent on the issue, to avoid social censure. For a long time, I internalised all the negativity around this; "I was a bad person/not a 'normal' woman' etc.
My 'Career' was used as a micro-aggression against my 'choice', and felt like a term of abuse. Even though I left school without qualifications, and worked full time, while studying to get my degree. I have never regretted my decision regarding children. So hearing you talk so openly, was like breathing again, and very liberating! Thank you for your compassionate honesty! Love sue xxx
I read Regretting motherhood by Orna Donath and it was very enlightening response to the typical threat about regretting not having children. I highly recommend it.
Thank yoy for this video!
For the past 2 years i've been indesisive about this matter. I've been pressured a hellalot from my father about children and for HIM becoming a grandfather. No matter what reasonable answers gave him it didnt change a thing. Now i lean more and more towards beign childfree for all the reasons you've said and some more. My childhood best friend is a year younger than me (28) and now she is pregnant with her second child. I see her strugle and whenever we hang out i find myself feeling a little awkward around kids and some kind of non existing presure that i MUST play with the child or have some sort of interaction and that makes me really uncomfortable.
I have a cat.
I love my cat.
I want nothing more that a quiet, clean, low-maintanance cat.
I have friends who say similar things to this. But a child isn't the same as a cat...A child is only a baby/toddler/ little kid briefly. For a longer time they will be an adult who you will have a relationship for your whole life. We really focus on the short term for this question.
As a cat owner and a pregnant woman - a cat is not a child, not even close. And there is a huge difference between other people's kid and your own
Thank you so much for this video. I love that you know yourself and know that you do not want to be a mom. I always wanted to be a mom, but that is not how my life worked out. Now that I'm older, I am so happy that I am child-free. I think women should be mothers if they want to, but do not put down women who do not.
I am 42, married for 12 years, no kids not by choice but because I am not able physically to have a child, we tried and failed and now we live almost 10 years childless and I should say I am happy 😃 maybe everything happens for a reason and I am not destined to be a parent, I am really enjoy my life and opportunities that I have
Inspiring as always! ❤
As a happy mother one you, I applaud your mature decision that you don’t want to be a mother. Being a mother is the most beautiful but also most difficult thing that I ever had to do. But I wanted this. It is very demanding and requires a lot of sacrifice but I wanted this. I respect that someone might not want do this. It is for the better rather than being unhappy mother raising unhappy child.
I enjoyed this. I have kids (now adults) but I liked your approach. Not antinatalist, but open minded
I always wait for your videos.I adoooore your silent zen elegant world
I once received the question from a male colleague why I'm married although my husband and I don't want children. I told him that our life is very much fullfilled, there is nothing missing, we like to decide on our own what we do in our leasure time. And we like to do it spontaneously. In addition, the responsibility you have for a child is terribly awful. We are very selfish people, he said. But guess who have a child and doesn't look too happy very often? 😏
Why is he so invested in your marriage?
@l-kin3480 i have absolutely no idea why he is so interested and invested in my marriage, to be honest. 🤷🏻♀️ probably because we live differently compared to him, and he doesn't understand it?!
Say hello to your newest subscriber who also happens to be childfree by choice....and loving it!
Such an interesting video & topic.
I have one child who is now 11 years old. My husband & i are still told we should have another. Besides the fact we are now 43 & 53 i was so certain i only wanted one & have never changed my mind. I begged him to get a vasectomy as i was terrified of getting pregnant again!
My sister couldn't decide whether she wanted a baby. I told her 'your life will be awesome with or without kids'
I hate getting asked about these things. No I don’t want to be a parent. No I don’t hate children. No I won’t be convinced otherwise. No I don’t need children to take care of me in old age. No I don’t struggle to date because of that, there are plenty of people who also don’t want children. No I don’t feel unfulfilled or lonely. I have helped raise at least a dozen children and will continue to be part of the “village” raising more. Parenthood is not for me, I love being an auntie though. I agree trust the default should be NOT being a parent until proven otherwise, but at the very least people need to mind their own damn business.