I'm 74 and childless. I've never wanted a child and I've never been questioned about it by anyone. I know a number of women who have no children and, obviously, no grandchildren but the topic of being childless has never arisen. It's just normal life as far as I know. I've never heard any regrets about it. For me, the number one, worst problem in the world is inadequate parenting of the children who are born and suffer the consequences of being neglected and otherwise abused.
I'm in my 50s and have no children by choice. A number of my friends are also child free. No one has ever questioned me about this decision either. Sometimes, people make assumptions that I'm married or have kids -- which I consider harmless. But I've never had an unkind comment either.
Keep telling this lie to yourself))))) U are lonly and miserable and being old and alone with no one to take care of u or to comfort😂😂😂😂 Make sure your cats won't eat u when u finally collapse alone with no one caring where u have disappeared😂😂😂 But the smell will eventually be the reason they find u❤
This video is perfection. Also, to the person who told you that you're missing out because "publishing a book is not like having a kid", a kind reminder that she'll probably never know what publishing a book feels like, so she's missing out too.
I'm a mother but it is absolutely not my business if another woman wants kids or not. I'm actuslly happy for every woman who can and will choose how their life will look like.
I am childfree by choice and am so happy for people who want kids and are able to have them!! It's so wonderful for a child to be wanted. I love children!! They are so pure and curios. They deserve the best
Even though I’m a mother, and love my kids with every bit of my heart. I completely understand and respect why a lot of people choose to be child free. There are so many expectations that come with being a parent. It is obscenely stressful and mentally draining.
The worse reactions I've had about being childfree came from MEN which I find absurd. Women who've actually experienced children are more understanding. I never cared about what people think.
I don’t care what (specifically) men think - no uterus, no opinions. If you are not a woman, you don’t deserve to verbalize what a woman should or shouldn’t do or be.
Sadly not absurd. They will not experience the same major changes that come with bearing and raising children, so it is easier for them to say that childfree women are wrong for not wanting any.
Um, I think the “childless cat ladies” slur* by a VP candidate is a pretty out-loud indicator of the view of a loud, growing (if still a minority) segment of men here in the US. *It was obviously intended to be an insult. I don’t think actual childless cat ladies are clutching their pearls and lamenting their life choices. 😅
I'm 42 and child free. Having a partner and 2 cats are absolutely more than enough for me. My mother never wanted children but she had me and my brother anyway to please my father and societal norm. My father passed away when me and my brother were still young. Since then my mother had been trying to use my brother to replace my father. I ended up in a role of scapegoat where she dumped all her anger and sadness on to me. She never wanted children so she never saw us as her children. Can we raise awareness of the consequences of not wanting to have children but you have them anyway for the wrong reason?
I'm 43 and happily child free. I work in child care at a foster home, so I get plenty of time with young humans. Im happy that I have a quiet life in my free time being an artist, my true passion. Thank you Jenny for your video!
If I were to have a regret I would MUCH rather regret not having a child when it was possible, than to regret HAVING one. In the first case, one person (me) would be regretful, in the second place both I and the child(ren) would feel regret! (PS, I think I already wrote this comment in one of your previous child-free videos, but it's still true. At 72 I have yet to experience one moment of regret at not raising a child.)
Yes, and also, most of us childfree people KNOW ourselves. We know who we are and we know what we are capable of nor not capable of. And I personally admire every parent in my family for having the virtue and patience to raise a child right. Because we know a lot of reckless, irresponsible people who produce children who really have no business making them.
I’m nearly 60, single and child free and I have no regrets. I was never drawn to marriage or having children and didn’t even play with dolls when I was a kid, or play house. Instead I wanted to travel the world and be free to do whatever I wanted. I’ve had an amazing full life and done so much, had such fun and learnt so much. I own my own home outright and was successfully self-employed from my early 20s. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t change a thing about any of that. Now I’m older and tired but content. I don’t miss having screaming, smelly little grandchildren around one little bit 😊
@@TheEmzies Though I can get angry about certain questioning, I also try and remember that a lot of people who ask, is because they're parents and are genuinely curious are reasons against it. That said... some people can be very rude about it.
@@TheEmziesI have environmentally aware acquaintances through work that want to know why I’m contributing to the demise of the earth by having children. I think it depends on where you live and who you know. 🤷🏻♀️
Speaking of men, men want children like kids want a puppy. Their contribution in the creation of the child is minimal and usually their involvement in raising it is also subpar to put it mildly. So no, they don't have a say about women's choices.
I am in my 40s, child free and married. My husband and I regularly thank our lucky stars that we stuck with the decision that was right for us!! The child free life is AMAZING. We do what we want, when we want and how we want. And we have no maddening teen-ages making us crazy like all our friends that had kids in their 30s and tried to convince us to have them too.
I think people should stop thinking that it's healthy to have opinions about how other people -- as long as their choices are not harming others -- are living their lives! Period.
@@kasseesmythe8738 exactly you do with your life what you understand is best for you. But we are living in a society where everyone is basically forcing you to have kids and criticizing you.
@@kasseesmythe8738 the problem with the people who felt the need to express the quality of opinions that Jenny shared is they always perceive and formulate their opinions in their minds in such a way that it convinces them that what others (in this case Jenny for example) are actually harming someone - she's harming the society for not providing workers/taxpayers, she's harming her and David'd parents for not "giving them" grandchildren etc. It's a feedback loop that's pointless to address.
@@drsalkaIf the grandparents want kids so bad they can adopt them. And I'm not bringing innocent life into this world just so they can slaves to this system. If men online feel so incredibly threatened, maybe they should focus on making the world safer for women and kids.
@@BlackRaven000 i agree, but, again, i feel the ones making the comments that they do/did have very little capacity for introspection to even come to the conclusions let alone have the will to put in the work you suggested.
I’m a mom, one that was pressured by society to have children. I think if I didn’t have the pressure I wouldn’t have had children though I love my kids greatly. Sometimes that reality brings me sadness. I lost my choice and my entire life is centred around my role as mom instead of my role as myself. I celebrate every person who has been free to make their own choices and I’ve encouraged my now adult kids to be free of any pressure to have kids. Live life to your fullest in the way you want to. Be free to be child free.
@@Always1happy Why are you leaving words out, you coward? "MY life", not just "life". ONE's life is obviously always going to be, as it is percieved, for that ONE person. Authoritarians want one's life to be what another person wants. What a low bar for a discussion on this topic... you're bad even as a troll. And then these same people wonder why they're compared to authoritarian villains... smh
It's very sad that in the 21st century there are still too many men on this planet who see a woman just as a vessel for their sperm. In too many countries it's still the only life philosophy. I've always been a Tomboy and even though I have a very feminine body I also have a very strong masculine energy. So people usually didn't think of me as of a "motherly" type. Thanks to this I never got many comments on my decision to be child free. Just as you Jenny, I've never seen myself having children. Not event when I was a kid. I'm a grown up woman now for quite a few years (older than you) and I still can't imagine having a baby. It's just not in my nature. I'm more of a mentor than a caretaker. I would like to end my comment with a great THANK YOU to all the "Davids" in the world for being so wonderful, supportive and... just real partners to their women. You go guys!
The regret argument is so strange, because what is worse: A woman regretting not having children or a woman regretting having children? At least the childfree woman has the option to mend that hole through alternative means, like foster care, a pet, helping out with nieces/nephews or even changing careers into care work. But the absolute horror a mum must feel, who supposedly "has it all" and yet secretly wishes her own children wouldn't exist (despite loving them!). That's a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone. And the children themselves do probably also better with parents, who are excited to be parents. Children deserve better!
If you want to read an exceptionally-written book that focuses on just this topic (among other absolute tragedies), I suggest We Need To Talk About Kevin. It's captivating/horrifying.
I want to say, as a parent, I really respect and praise people who don't want to be parents and dont have children! If it's not a calling, if you don't want to, then please don't give into the pressure. Being a mother is life changing, it actually changes you as a person and you become responsible for tiny human beings. It's hard! It's only amazing if you really want it, be still so hard. I also think some people are jealous you are not suffering as much as them, for not having babies.
When it comes to the naturalness of childbearing, let’s not forget that without modern medicine, the risk to die from childbirth is 10%. Appealing to nature is never a legit argument
I think the risk might be even higher… There were techniques to turn babies in the womb but what about preeclampsia and no way to deliver the baby early? ❤️🩹
Hmm....this raises the question about the medicalisation of childbirth. I think the loss of traditional childbirth including roles, to doctors (mostly male) has caused more problems than it has solved - for both the infant and the mother.
a quick google search will show it is around 1-5%, BUT the mortality rate for children was incredible before modern medicine.around 30% of children died before their first birthday in the 1800s.
@@aysepersona4194what a sad statistic. Makes me wonder if birthday parties were partially celebrated for that reason. It was a big deal to make it to one year old!
I know someone who decided to not have kids in their thirties but in their mid forties, had one anyway out of the rush and not wanting to regret later. This person never recovered from the trauma that is a first child. More than anything, most women carry the burden of raising kids. So if you’re not passionate, this kind of work is no joke. At times it feels like they were better off without one. Of course no judgement to anyone who chooses to have or not have kids, but it is way better to decide one way and stick to it. Confused parents and babies don’t mix well.
I also think a lot of busy young couples never stop to consider the possibility of a child with disabilities. I was already certain of my choice to be child free but the sad realities of a few friends whose kids will never be "independent" definitely impressed upon me that parenting is for life. I think it's common to assume the kid will be happy and healthy and out of the nest after college.
The frustrating part is why do we have to explain why we don't want to have children? I owe nobody an explanation for what I choose to do with my own body, full stop.
@@HowlingFantods She said she doesn't owe anyone an explanation for what she chooses to do with HER BODY. With your comment, you are implying that HER BODY is her parents, her friends, even the "communitys" business. You are implying, that HER body and what she does with it is anyones business, except her own. You are implying that she doesn't even fully own her body, when she has an "obligation" to everyone, BUT herself. Don't you realize how disgusting, creepy and invasive that is? It is HER body and hers alone! The only one, who has a selfish way of thinking is YOU. Selfish and creepy. You and anyone who thinks they can decide and police what SHE does with HER BODY. It is her body and her life - NOT yours.
@@Emiliapocalypse They didnt brainwash me, they loved me and I love them. You people are so anti social its really pathetic. You are unable to love or be loved. Its no surprise that you are alone.
This is not The Handsmaids Tale 😂😂😂. But seriously, let’s make sure it never gets to that point. Personally, we were childless for the first 12 years of our marriage, also causing a lot of horrible comments and grief because we really wanted children. And just as we had given up, I was pregnant. And then I almost died during childbirth. The doctor said it would be better not to put my body through that again and to stick with 1 child. Which we did. We are very happy with our son (he is now 14) but I still get comments about how it’s so mean to only have 1 child, he will be a spoiled bratt (he isn’t) and why we don’t try for a second one. Well, I’m in perimenopause now and I tell them that and then they usually shut up but you’re right, we can’t win as women! So, you do you! Live your life with love on your own terms and everyone can just sod off.
I have two, a boy and a girl. And I have experienced this as well: -your first? Are you going to give them a sibling? Don’t wait too long! -pregnant again? So soon? -only two? Are you going to have a third? There is NO right answer, somebody ALWAYS has an opinion, your age/number of kids/age gap between the kids/sex of the children/your income to kids ration etc
I'm honestly sick and tired of anyone sticking their dirty nose in my life. And it's usually the most toxic people who do this, since they are so miserable with their own life.
We have one child, and we are aaaaalways judged that we have just one. I'm often asked when I'm going to get pregnant with a second. It's such a pressure! We don't want more children, we are super happy with one! I think people that ask this kind of questions should stop with that, it's not their business.
Yessss I have a 1 month old daughter and already asked about baby # 2. My husband and I are not sure if we want another baby 🍼 These type of questions are annoying.
I’m 26 and currently (and most likely will remain) child free because I just cannot picture children in the simple easy going life that I want. I love videos on this topic :) Love from Denmark
Love these videos. I’ve sadly experienced all of the above in my decision to not have children and I’m SO fed up with people wanting to control how other people choose to live their lives. Everyone should mind their own f-ing business. And while they are at it, maybe try taking their decision to bring a child into the world as seriously as we’ve taken the decision not to. The world would be such a better place. ❤
I met a lady at a nightclub a while ago. Im 31 and child free. The lady asked why i didn't want children. I told her that i can't provide a good life for a child either mentally or economically. She told me "well, no one ever gets ready, so it's just doing it." That comment did i found extremely concerning 😶 she herself had children btw
I'm 53 and childfree. It was unusual to make this decision in my early 30s. Most of my friends had kids. I have never regretted my decision. I have a wonderful life, travel regularly, am financially independent. I see so many reports of women in their 50s being left by their husbands. Having looked after the kids all their lives they have little work experience outside the home. Many end up living in a car or on the street. It's the largest growth homeless cohort in Australia 😢. This could have been me, but instead I have security leading into my old age. I am really concerned by the lack of safetynet for older ladies who looked after their kids all their lives. So no....I don't regret not having kids. I'm busy planning my next trip 😊
When I was 21, I already know, I never want kids. And it hasn't changed because I'm now 39 and very happy with my life. Nothing is missing. Also I never let the pressure of society change my mind. I told everyone, if they want that I have to have a child, will they pay me and they take care of them? They just look mad and stop talk on this topic. It's kind like toxic to me.
Loved every moment. Never miss a Childfree jenny chat. We’re on the exact same book here. And the comments you get I’ve also received. But the main one I’ve had in abundance actually, is women telling me that whilst they adore their kids, they wouldn’t do it again. And that if I don’t want to, defo don’t do it. Also the ‘who will look after you when you’re old’ comment I find to be the most selfish thing for a parent to think about. I wouldn’t want my child to be looking after an OAP when they should be enjoying their life. Sadly a lot of people have kids to ensure they don’t feel lonely when they’re aging and I think it’s a fairly toxic thought process. Very happy living my life with my baby dog - now THAT I recommend ❤❤
I met my husband when he was 24 and I was 34. Right from the beginning we’re felt that communication was the foundation of our relationship. He didn’t want children and either did I. Perhaps because we both came from abusive parents and we wanted to explore our lives in a childlike free spirited way that we were never able to have growing up. After a blissful ten years of play, love and traveling we approached the topic again. We both felt complete and had no desire to have and raise children. We are happy and fulfilled and, like you said, we have accumulated enough funds to retire and not have to put a burden onto grown up children. We’re in our 50s and 60s now with absolutely no regrets and many exciting stories to tell our nieces and nephews whom all seem to feel a sense of adventure that they too want to explore. People don’t usually push the subject on us-especially now that we’re older. They just give us a scoff or a sad face and change the subject. We are so busy living and exploring our fullest potential in life, it’s hard to understand how parents have any time to explore their own lives and personal growth!
I'm 57 and happily childfree. I knew since I was a little girl that I didn't want children. All the other girls would want to hold babies. I thought babies were annoyingly noisy and smelled bad. Zero regrets. Another childfree vegan here, enjoying life on my own terms!
Thank you. As a Gen X woman in a happy child free marriage, I have no regrets. Some of our friends have also chosen to be child free and some friends are parents and we love spending time with them all. For someone who might be worried about regretting their decision too late, there is this thing called adoption…
Brava! You are so articulate! I have to be honest, I'm in my early thirties and i'm seriously on the fence myself. It doesn't feel obvious or natural for me to have a kid, but I also know that if I had one I would love it with all my heart (as would you I'm sure!). I'm always waiting for the time where I feel the urge to be a mother...but with this world crumbling apart, society being at its most ugly, it feels more and more like having a child would be severely anxiety inducing for my and its future....but who knows? Anyways love from a portuguese girlie :)
Jenny, I am 57 years old and I have loved your channel for years! You inspire me. I am childless and have zero regrets. I like children but never wanted any of my own. I would not change a thing about my life. If you ask my friends with children if they would take that same path again, most say no they would not. They had children due to other people’s expectations. I am that crazy fun aunt babysitter and this is perfect for me.
I never comment on TH-cam so it says a lot. I was looking for some Scandinavian lifestyle vids and fell into the rabbit hole. I am a single mother of an adorable little girl, I could not be happier of this setup. However I love the childfree weekends when she goes to her dad's, and I truly need to get out of the mother role once in a while and just be ME. This video is so great on many levels, very open and it is also nice to project ourselves into different futures and see the one we crave the most. Well done Jenny, the article in The Guardian was great too!
One of the reasons I don't want to have children is because I am disabled (I only have vision in one eye) and I was recently diagnosed with autism, so my life had already been very difficult. I don't want to complicate it more.
I’m 40 and child free and have known with 1000% certainty that I do not want children for 10 years. It’s amazing how dogmatic people can be with projecting their own preferences/life choices onto others. I get flack from those same people about being vegan 🙄I was a teacher for 10 years and helped raised hundreds of kids, and yet in other’s eyes I am still “missing out” or “eschewing my duty” and they can’t even fathom that someone might be happy living differently than they are 🙃
I have 1 son. Love him- wasn't easy. I fully support everyone's decisions, when it comes to having kids or not, and that includes my son. It's his life, I'm blessed to be in it.
Thank you for sharing this video (and others on this topic you have before). I am child free and it feels taboo still. I’m at the point where all my friends have small children and unless I tell them I am interested in sharing their whole life (children included) that they assume I am not interested. Well done David for working through all those awful comments!
I'm a fence sitter for bio parenting. We became foster parents and parenting is a RIDE! Not for the faint of heart, not for anyone who likes sleep, comfort or the introverted. Being a parent is HARD, anyone who tells you otherwise is just straight up lying...or an absentee father ;).
As a child free woman myself couldn’t be more proud of my decision. Despite all the backlash I received from people I just met and a few close family members none of them will help pay my bills or will help me raise my nonexistent kids. I’m gonna live my best child free life, regardless of what anyone says.
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42 and I've been certain since I was 10 that I was not intererested in having kids of my own. No regrets. In a relationship since 18 years, married for 13 of those.
The biggest one, I love to get is when someone implies that you can only feel true love from having your own children. Comments like "oh the love I feel when I look at my own child".... And if you look a bit deeper, it's the resemblance to yourself which you are in love with. Recognizing subtle personality traits, facial features or hobbies they take interest in that just so happen to be reflections of yours. It's like what they're really referring to is the love they finally found in themself, by observing a younger version of themselves. (and don't get me started on how offensive this can be if you want to adopt, and are asked, "why don't you want your own?"). I like to turn this reflection back onto them with a question, "Don't you feel deep love within yourself? Or receive deep love from your spouse, your friendships or your passions?" People like to connect having children, to being the ultimate form of love, or feeling "whole", "complete". Though beautiful and special, a mother's love for her children, shouldn't be the only thing we as women strive towards in our modern lives. If nothing else is fulfilling or fills your cup, then you are admitting that a women's only true experience of love, sole purpose or self-worth in the world is to bear her own children.
I respect you and David and anyone else who decides not to have children. Children are not for everyone and children deserve parents who truly want them. ❤
I think you and David are perfect just the way you are. I love your comment that you would expect society to care for you in old age. I am 72. Childless, we used to say. I like your child-free description better. And like you, I do have faith and expect that society will aid and abet its oldest citizens. My sister always called me selfish for not having children. She had 4. To me that is the definition of selfishness. I believe in ZPG for the health of the planet. We all have our own reasons. But it is so tiresome to have to defend our choices. Like the USA’s VP candidate says, “Mind your own damn business.” Amen.
Hi Jenny, the most common comment I received was "I'm being selfish". When I was in my late 20s and early 30s I was told that "I would change my mind." Obviously I am incapable of knowing what I want but women who do want children absolutely do.
Dang people are still bothering you!!!?? I have three kids and we are very close but two of my kids dont want children, THATS FINE!!! I celibrate their choices because Im grateful they HAVE CHOICES!! What’s with people and this topic? Why is it so triggering to other people when someone chooses to be childfree????
I really appreciate your philosophy. I wish my parents would accept my choice not to procreate. They kind of do. But my mother in law doesn't know our plans. She would be BESIDE HERSELF.
Your emotions are so recognizable! I love my nephews and nieces to the moon and back, but don't want any children myself. It took the outside world long to realize that i was serious about it, but my family was supportive.❤ Still happy with my choices at 38
The going against nature argument stuns me: Not having kids or not able to have kids is a natural occurrence. It might not be common from a social perspective but that is another thing. Social norms are often quite unnatural…like not letting girls go to school, or pumping your ass up with fat from another place of your body…
I’m a mom with girlfriends that are child free by choice. As someone who is not just a mom, but a dedicated mother, I know how much it takes. So I’m incredibly happy for my friends that they know what they want or not. I’m happy they realize that motherhood is not for them, BEFORE putting kids in to the world. A friend of mine god sterilized and I congratulate her on her anniversary for that, I know that meant so much for her. My child has the coolest aunties who babysit, play and even knit for them. I’m just happy my girlies are happy and content with their lives. I don’t get how parents can even think to push someone to become a parent, when they know how intense and hard it can be. I love love love my little one and truly thing they are the best little person in the entire world. If I had to choose between them or the entire world, I would choose them! But I still get it why someone else don’t want to commit to the role of parenthood.
I can't believe I have never come across your channel before ... I'm 35 years old, I am a writer and an artist, my partner of 15 years and I have two dogs. We are childfree and we enjoy life so much, it feels incredibly full, actually sometimes crammed with too many things that we want to do, want to explore, want to experience etc. We just couldn't imagine adding a child to this, it feels we would either have to "bury" our old life or become very bad parents. So the decision is clear, but this age is hard, everyone around is having kids. it just makes us review our decision again and again .. but we always come to the same conclusion. not for us. listening to this healed my heart a little bit. thank you!
I’m in a lesbian marriage and we can’t just make a baby naturally. With that and other reasons, we have no desire to have children. Yet we receive more pressure about it than my wife’s brother who is in a heterosexual marriage and they also don’t want children.
As a donor conceived person I very much support your decision. It’s a very overlooked topic when people are in pain wanting a child and somewhat understandable. However, there’s a lot of confused and hurt donor conceived people out there looking for the part of them they haven’t met, or trying to understand relationships with those they have. ❤ (Just to add this isn’t about lesbian marriage as such, more IVF using donors)
Jenny! I was interested in your concept of 'curiosity', about friends who become parents (because their experience is one you have decided not to have for yourself). As someone who decided age 7, that I did not EVER want children, I found in my 20's/30's, that the curiosity you discuss, was NOT allowed by those around me who had chosen parenthood. Theirs was an 'exclusive' club, and I was NOT granted admission. I felt there was at best a suspicion of my choice, and at worst, a barely concealed hostility towards me-they 'closed ranks' (no paranoia on my part), I have not regretted my decision for a nano second, and am now well past child-bearing age-thank goodness! However, so visceral was this sense of hostility, (that I was not part of the 'inner circle of mum's), it has stayed with me, all these years. I also learnt, in my younger years, that 'society's attitude to my desire to remain child-free, provoked the same reactions you also highlight (to the extent, that I learnt to self-silence), on this issue. Even now, if someone asks if I have children? when I say 'no', I sense, that they feel I am 'odd/sad/somehow don't 'count'. I could add so much more! Irving Goffman books have provided a sanctuary for my thought processes on this issue- I would LOVE you to include something of these dilemmas, via a character in one of your novels-I cannot be the only woman who has been 'silenced' by the hostility of other women, on this issue? Thank you for your wonderful channel and for the illuminating and courageous way in which you raise these issues. with love, sue xxx
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I have a kid & I still feel like I gave birth to many other things : my job also feels like an other baby I nurture everyday...I also did a photo exposition and sorry/not sorry: it also felt like giving birth! We can nurture in soooo many ways:-) I m very happy you gave birth to your wonderful X pound book!
I’m 46, childfree and some days ago l was talking with a friend about how happy l am for my decision in not having children. I have a home that l love, a good job, a great salary, friends that l love and every year l travel to places that l always dreamed about. I don’t and l won’t regret not having children and people will have to deal with it.
I really like and appreciate the way you speak about this, really resonate always. You are clearly so good at putting into words what some of us childfree people feel so thanks! And please don't stop :)
The people that want women to have children just want more people to feed the system & just be a cog in the machine. They need people to pay for taxes,pensions, social welfare programs etc instead of addressing the root of the problems through knowledge and good parenting.
So I’m a mother myself and I have an indifferent opinion of whether people have kids or not. No one’s lifestyle is better than the others if they have kids - it’s just, different - in the most neutral of ways. What makes it annoying is if you are the type of person - parent, non-parent, lover or Chinese food, vegan, meat eater, insert political party of your choice, foreign film aficionado, etc who criticizes other people’s choices because it’s not what YOU do or what YOU like. Yes, you can make a respectful observation and please be considerate of other people’s perspectives and feelings but don’t still down your point because you think it’s the correct one.
Beautifully said and I am amazed by your respectfulness seeing what kind of comments you get. I just don’t understand why people feel the need to persuade others to live the way they do. Also: Why are we childless women always asked why we want no kids? I have never ever heard someone ask a women why she wants children.
I am a mother of one child and having them changed my life. It has been wonderful seeing the development of a person and it has changed the way I see and interact with children because I finally took the time to understand them. It is a lot of hard work and it is massive change in lifestyle, priorities and even biology so I completely understand when someone does not want to jump into that with total conviction. As you said, you do not need to be a parent to be curious about children or to treat children in your life with love and respect (and not be a child hater)
I did have a child (now 30) and would never question anyone being childfree whether by choice, circumstance or due to medical reasons. It is none of my business. I did however get many people critising only having one child as a selfish act as that child had no siblings. They failed to see that he had our attention and an extended family of cousins and friends as an equally positive thing. As you said someone will always feel they can judge.
It's very sad how many women get this pressure from strangers when it comes to this topic. But it's even worse when it comes from your own family. My grandmother never took me seriously when I announced at a young age that I never wanted children, then she always said wait and see, that will change - it's the same for every woman. I am now 30 years old and my wish not to have children is finally being respected by her. Funnily enough, my own mother is now starting to ask me when she will have grandchildren and this is coming from a woman who was never there for me as a mother. My answer to her: do you seriously think you would be a good granny? After that, I was never bothered with the subject again.
Hi mom of 2 here. I’ve always wanted to be a mama. I’m happy I did it and have them. But it’s hard as all hell. You sacrifice a lot. Most of my friends are child free, and want to stay that way. And I think that’s wonderful for them. If they’re happy, I’m happy. End of story. Couldn’t give less of a crap if people want or don’t want kids.
You can never please people. As a woman WITH a child we get comments that we are selfish for having kids… come on.. or wanting to have a child or biological child.
It's wonderful to have a baby to love, but they don't stay babies all that long. And before you know it they are teenagers and WOW! what a change in your life then. It can be VERY stressful. Then they may (as mine did) become your really good friends as adults. You have to keep in mind that you are not just giving birth to babies, but to future adults. In this world it can happen that your children can cause the deepest pain in your heart that can be imagined. And often I've seen good, kind parents have a child that makes terrible life choices. Not having children was the life I would have preferred, but my husband felt differently, so along the way came three. It's been an adventure. And there are so many decisions to be made as they (and you) grow and mature. Earning a living and making those decisions leads to a ton of stress, between spouses and parents and children. I have many young couples that are good friends. Many have chosen not to have children; and I would definitely NOT try to influence them differently.
I want just one child but it doesn't have to necessarily be biological. I want to help children in foster care and adopt from my home country. There are so many abandoned that need love and a grown adult to protect and care for them. What buffles me is that when i tell people that i do not care if i have biological children or not, they question me about why i want to end my genetics. They say things like, " But you can never love an adopted or foster child like you would love your biological one". This comment breaks my heart and alway makes my rage bubble up. I throw back the question," So then why do we have so many children abandoned and needing foster care coz of so many unloving, neglectful and abusive biological parents?" Often times, i'm met with ," Just drop it. You won't know what i mean u til you actually give birth to your own". I love children so much to the point i am afraid of traumatising them. I was abandoned by my mother and resented by my father, it has left such a huge wound on my soul that i have to wake up each day and verbally say to myself," You are okay, you've got this". I break down sometimes when that trauma hits me. It's caused me so much anxiety.
I dont get why people think one decision is the best for everyone. I love having kids, but i totally understand that other people dont. Not everyone has to share my life choices.
If you don't want to have kids, please don't. No child deserves to come into a family where he/she is not wanted. This is not selfish. It's thoughtful. Also, for sure, you will miss out on certain experiences. Raising a human is a major life experience and it comes from a variety of emotions and it forces you to evolve, to see other humans in a different way and to place someone else above yourself (at least for a while). It's life-altering. If you look at life like a video game, it's the next level. You can choose to stay in the current level where you are comfortable and content in your knowing, or take the leap into the unknown, uncharted, messy, challenging next level where you will experience love like you never felt before and also moments where you will lose your sh*t like you never lost before. It's for for faint-hearted. ;)
As a mother and woman I'm just glad that we are able to make the choices that feel the best to ourselves. It's not only a rare thing in humanity's story but it's also still not a thing all women and men in the world can do in this time. A lot of people are still forced into marriage and having kids due to societal expectations and laws. Some can end up in danger if they don't comply even. That said, I also try to not overwhelm my childfree friends with my kids. Not because I don't want to share my life with them but because I've learned some are childless due to infertily and it's hurtful to them. My very best friend is still on the fence on having kids but I know she loves children in general, so, with her it's different...
As a childfree woman in my 40s, I have no regrets about not having children. A lot of the moms in my life do share their regrets with me, though. Having children is no guarantee you won't be lonely in your old age. Most of us know people who have gone no contact with their parents, or whose kids have gone no contact with them. Heck, just spend any amount of time in a nursing home! It's not like they're a happening place full of the residents' visiting children.
Absolutely agree with this. While I am quite close & involved with my (now divorced) aging parents, I know many people in middle age like me who have no contact or very little involvement with their parents. Especially some who had kids later, and are still raising young(ish) children, do not have time and/or money to help out their own elders. It's simply a reality for many. There's only so much time and attention in the day and if they don't live in the same geographical area things are even more complex.
The well meaning lady about missing out of the experience of having a child and how amazing it is. And speaking from experience; it is amazing. But is an overwhelming, heart-gripping, all envelopping kind of love and experience. Which is awesome to experience, but only if that is an experience you want. It is not just that more "practical" activities will be put on the backburner for a bit (could be work, friends, relationship, work, hobbies. A child costs time so something has got to give), for me it was more the experience of how much that little human occupies your thoughts and heart. And how much you can miss them while at work, or when they're just sleeping upstairs. That is not everybody's cup of tea ;)
I’m 24, and I don’t want to have children. I don’t wanna suffer through 9 months of pregnancy, and deal with the pain and agony of childbirth. I don’t think I’m qualified to be a parent. I never even dated or been in a relationship before, I’m not even married, so…I can’t have children even if i wanted to. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, it’s not for everybody. I’m an aunt, and that’s as far as I go. No need for children, not for me.
What an intelligent, thoughtful, rational discussion of this issue! And I’m full of your admiration for your ability to speak calmly about the shockingly racist, misogynist comments you’ve received! It makes my 79 year-old blood boil.
4:10 😱 wow… if anything would ever be mandatory by law, imo (since others can say what I should do with my organs I think I can also pitch in for a sec), it should be a series of tests (psychological, nutritional knowledge, etc. etc.) to ensure whether one should be a parent or not (regardless of sex). I do love kids and took care of kids for several years. I also happen to be sure I do not want kids of my own, and I’m responsible enough to not crush under societal pressure and have kids just because. Because to do that to a child… that’s what would be selfish.
You know, I'm almost 40, and I am childfree by choice; actually, being childfree is my only main goal this life, everything else is secondary; and I can tell you it makes me more than happy. It is also the only thing in this life I am completely sure about, 100%.
The "selfish" argument is absurd -- there is not a single argument for having kids that isn't selfish. (and that's okay -- everyone should be allowed to live THEIR lives the way they see fit!)
it's absurd (and downright offensive) on both sides. would you call any other kind of nurse/carer on call 24/7 selfish? parenting is a brutal, relentless, unpaid and stressful lifelong responsibility. in every practical sense, it demands radical selflessness. it can push you to the brink of limits you didn't even know you had. please don't underestimate, or disrespect the sacrifices parents have to make, just to retaliate against baseless insults. childfree people make a different sacrifice - neither are selfish, one lifestyle just allows for the pursuit of more self-interests, in an entirely PRACTICAL sense. emotionally, it really depends on the person, and what they find fulfilling.
@@imathumbIt is parents who call CF people "selfish" for not suffering like them, but then they turn around and say things like "Who's going to look after you when you're older? What about your wealth/property?" If those are reasons they consider legit for having kids, I'm extremely concerned for humanity.
The last one is sometimes driving me nuts as a 39 childfree woman. I sometimes feel like parents are trying to convince me that there's no greatest love, no better joy, no highest success you can achieve than having children... But that's clearly not my feeling when I see THEIR life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being judgmental and I'm so happy when my friends are getting pregnant, but I'm fed up when some of them are saying I won't be the happiest I can be because of my choice... Just like you, I'm not trying to convince anyone about having children. I just want people stop explaining me why I'm wrong, no matter the reason (and I'm living in a country where our president speeks of "demographic rearmament", like my uterus is a tank). Thanks for this video ❤️
💖💖Great video! Your "I'm already full" comment resonated so much. I'm childfree too, and another thing I look at is how romantic relationships are usually considered the most important ones. There is more and more literature by folks (for eg aromantic folks like Aline Laurent-Mayard) on embracing all of the love that deep friendships provide. I'm thinking also of of Alice Raybaud's "Nos puissantes amitiés (Our Powerful Friendships)". Now that I think of it, the models proposed by LGBTQ+ community have inspired me a lot.
I have two kids and, you are right, a decade ago I didn’t even realize I had a choice. It just made sense to have kids, didn’t know anyone who was childfree. I got married, had kids, didn’t think about it. I’m not sure I would’ve, if my husband didn’t want them at that time and we were making that decision today. And I have experienced this as well: -your first? Are you going to give them a sibling? Don’t wait too long! -pregnant again? So soon? -only two? Are you going to have a third? There is NO right answer, somebody ALWAYS has an opinion, your age/number of kids/age gap between the kids/sex of the children/your income to kids ration etc
"damned if you do, damned if you don't" is so real. I have 3 boys and for some reason people thinks that gives them license to 1. Pity me (yes, even strangers in public in front of my children). 2. Assume (aloud) that we had our third because we were "trying for a girl" and 3. Need to have another so that we can have aforementioned girl child. Again, yes, strangers, out loud, in front of my children. 🙄 People need mind their own business and keep their mouths shut!
I'm 74 and childless. I've never wanted a child and I've never been questioned about it by anyone. I know a number of women who have no children and, obviously, no grandchildren but the topic of being childless has never arisen. It's just normal life as far as I know. I've never heard any regrets about it. For me, the number one, worst problem in the world is inadequate parenting of the children who are born and suffer the consequences of being neglected and otherwise abused.
I'm in my 50s and have no children by choice. A number of my friends are also child free. No one has ever questioned me about this decision either. Sometimes, people make assumptions that I'm married or have kids -- which I consider harmless. But I've never had an unkind comment either.
Keep telling this lie to yourself)))))
U are lonly and miserable and being old and alone with no one to take care of u or to comfort😂😂😂😂
Make sure your cats won't eat u when u finally collapse alone with no one caring where u have disappeared😂😂😂
But the smell will eventually be the reason they find u❤
This video is perfection. Also, to the person who told you that you're missing out because "publishing a book is not like having a kid", a kind reminder that she'll probably never know what publishing a book feels like, so she's missing out too.
Came to comment the exact same thing.
Well I know both things and can confirm it is definitely not even slightly comparable.
@@zulejkajaversek9161Exactly ...people,who mistake a Baby for a project, and a project for ,,their Baby" will have a big surprise😂!
I'm a mother but it is absolutely not my business if another woman wants kids or not. I'm actuslly happy for every woman who can and will choose how their life will look like.
yes, me too. children should have Parents who really want them
I am childfree by choice and am so happy for people who want kids and are able to have them!! It's so wonderful for a child to be wanted. I love children!! They are so pure and curios. They deserve the best
Even though I’m a mother, and love my kids with every bit of my heart. I completely understand and respect why a lot of people choose to be child free. There are so many expectations that come with being a parent. It is obscenely stressful and mentally draining.
Aged 44, childfree by choice, happier than ever, thank you!
The worse reactions I've had about being childfree came from MEN which I find absurd. Women who've actually experienced children are more understanding. I never cared about what people think.
I don’t care what (specifically) men think - no uterus, no opinions. If you are not a woman, you don’t deserve to verbalize what a woman should or shouldn’t do or be.
Ya, it's ridiculous how preoccupied some men are with child-free women. They should mind their own business...
Sadly not absurd. They will not experience the same major changes that come with bearing and raising children, so it is easier for them to say that childfree women are wrong for not wanting any.
Um, I think the “childless cat ladies” slur* by a VP candidate is a pretty out-loud indicator of the view of a loud, growing (if still a minority) segment of men here in the US.
*It was obviously intended to be an insult. I don’t think actual childless cat ladies are clutching their pearls and lamenting their life choices. 😅
I think men are intimidated by women who know they do not NEED them to be happy.
I am a mom, I come in peace... it is wonderful that you know yourself and honor what is best for you.
I decided at a young age I didn't want children. At 57 I have no regrets and love my life!
I'm 42 and child free. Having a partner and 2 cats are absolutely more than enough for me. My mother never wanted children but she had me and my brother anyway to please my father and societal norm. My father passed away when me and my brother were still young. Since then my mother had been trying to use my brother to replace my father. I ended up in a role of scapegoat where she dumped all her anger and sadness on to me. She never wanted children so she never saw us as her children. Can we raise awareness of the consequences of not wanting to have children but you have them anyway for the wrong reason?
Juist, mensen kregen vroeger kinderen, omdat dat nou eenmaal zo was en het hoorde zo, dat vind ik zo raar en slecht
I'm 43 and happily child free. I work in child care at a foster home, so I get plenty of time with young humans. Im happy that I have a quiet life in my free time being an artist, my true passion. Thank you Jenny for your video!
If I were to have a regret I would MUCH rather regret not having a child when it was possible, than to regret HAVING one. In the first case, one person (me) would be regretful, in the second place both I and the child(ren) would feel regret! (PS, I think I already wrote this comment in one of your previous child-free videos, but it's still true. At 72 I have yet to experience one moment of regret at not raising a child.)
Yes, and also, most of us childfree people KNOW ourselves.
We know who we are and we know what we are capable of nor not capable of.
And I personally admire every parent in my family for having the virtue and patience to raise a child right.
Because we know a lot of reckless, irresponsible people who produce children who really have no business making them.
I’m nearly 60, single and child free and I have no regrets. I was never drawn to marriage or having children and didn’t even play with dolls when I was a kid, or play house. Instead I wanted to travel the world and be free to do whatever I wanted. I’ve had an amazing full life and done so much, had such fun and learnt so much. I own my own home outright and was successfully self-employed from my early 20s. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t change a thing about any of that. Now I’m older and tired but content. I don’t miss having screaming, smelly little grandchildren around one little bit 😊
I've decided to have children and am very happy about it. You have decided not to have any and seem to be very happy about it too. Period.
Exactly
I wish this was the case but I've found that while a choice to havechildren is never questioned, the decision to be childfree is often questioned.
@@TheEmzies Though I can get angry about certain questioning, I also try and remember that a lot of people who ask, is because they're parents and are genuinely curious are reasons against it. That said... some people can be very rude about it.
@@TheEmziesI have environmentally aware acquaintances through work that want to know why I’m contributing to the demise of the earth by having children. I think it depends on where you live and who you know. 🤷🏻♀️
is this how i find out you don't want kids.
😆 - and you love her for it!
😂
or you know…. from the fact that we’ve been taking precautions for our entire 18 year relationship??
Hahahhhaaaaa. Best.
Hahah I love your sass, you both :D
Speaking of men, men want children like kids want a puppy. Their contribution in the creation of the child is minimal and usually their involvement in raising it is also subpar to put it mildly. So no, they don't have a say about women's choices.
This! Spot on!
What a sexist comment.
Nah. I know plenty of good fathers. You're smearing 50% of the population, lmao. That's a heck of an assertion. Citation needed.
@@homeistheearth Glad to see the push-back. That ain't a normal statement, lol.
@@sarahg2653 i have four kids..
I am in my 40s, child free and married. My husband and I regularly thank our lucky stars that we stuck with the decision that was right for us!! The child free life is AMAZING. We do what we want, when we want and how we want. And we have no maddening teen-ages making us crazy like all our friends that had kids in their 30s and tried to convince us to have them too.
“Required by law” WTF wtf wtf wtf!!!!
That's sick!!
Bonkers and misogynistic
Pol-Pot totalitarian regime
Fascist nationalists will fascist nationalist. 😕
What's worse is that they never learn from history, even when they're on the brink of repeating an absolute disaster
I think people needs to start respecting other people’s choices whether is having kids or not.💗
I think people should stop thinking that it's healthy to have opinions about how other people -- as long as their choices are not harming others -- are living their lives! Period.
@@kasseesmythe8738 exactly you do with your life what you understand is best for you. But we are living in a society where everyone is basically forcing you to have kids and criticizing you.
@@kasseesmythe8738 the problem with the people who felt the need to express the quality of opinions that Jenny shared is they always perceive and formulate their opinions in their minds in such a way that it convinces them that what others (in this case Jenny for example) are actually harming someone - she's harming the society for not providing workers/taxpayers, she's harming her and David'd parents for not "giving them" grandchildren etc. It's a feedback loop that's pointless to address.
@@drsalkaIf the grandparents want kids so bad they can adopt them. And I'm not bringing innocent life into this world just so they can slaves to this system. If men online feel so incredibly threatened, maybe they should focus on making the world safer for women and kids.
@@BlackRaven000 i agree, but, again, i feel the ones making the comments that they do/did have very little capacity for introspection to even come to the conclusions let alone have the will to put in the work you suggested.
I’m a mom, one that was pressured by society to have children. I think if I didn’t have the pressure I wouldn’t have had children though I love my kids greatly. Sometimes that reality brings me sadness. I lost my choice and my entire life is centred around my role as mom instead of my role as myself. I celebrate every person who has been free to make their own choices and I’ve encouraged my now adult kids to be free of any pressure to have kids. Live life to your fullest in the way you want to. Be free to be child free.
❤❤❤❤
“I want life Centred around meee!” - such a selfishness.
@@Always1happy So is having unwanted kids
@@Always1happy Why are you leaving words out, you coward? "MY life", not just "life". ONE's life is obviously always going to be, as it is percieved, for that ONE person. Authoritarians want one's life to be what another person wants. What a low bar for a discussion on this topic... you're bad even as a troll. And then these same people wonder why they're compared to authoritarian villains... smh
It's very sad that in the 21st century there are still too many men on this planet who see a woman just as a vessel for their sperm. In too many countries it's still the only life philosophy. I've always been a Tomboy and even though I have a very feminine body I also have a very strong masculine energy. So people usually didn't think of me as of a "motherly" type. Thanks to this I never got many comments on my decision to be child free. Just as you Jenny, I've never seen myself having children. Not event when I was a kid. I'm a grown up woman now for quite a few years (older than you) and I still can't imagine having a baby. It's just not in my nature. I'm more of a mentor than a caretaker. I would like to end my comment with a great THANK YOU to all the "Davids" in the world for being so wonderful, supportive and... just real partners to their women. You go guys!
The regret argument is so strange, because what is worse: A woman regretting not having children or a woman regretting having children? At least the childfree woman has the option to mend that hole through alternative means, like foster care, a pet, helping out with nieces/nephews or even changing careers into care work. But the absolute horror a mum must feel, who supposedly "has it all" and yet secretly wishes her own children wouldn't exist (despite loving them!). That's a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone.
And the children themselves do probably also better with parents, who are excited to be parents. Children deserve better!
This!!!!I'm not a mother also. Childfree!!
Is there a happy (not) Mother’s Day? It should be Opposite Day of the year from Mother’s Day
If you want to read an exceptionally-written book that focuses on just this topic (among other absolute tragedies), I suggest We Need To Talk About Kevin. It's captivating/horrifying.
I want to say, as a parent, I really respect and praise people who don't want to be parents and dont have children!
If it's not a calling, if you don't want to, then please don't give into the pressure.
Being a mother is life changing, it actually changes you as a person and you become responsible for tiny human beings. It's hard! It's only amazing if you really want it, be still so hard.
I also think some people are jealous you are not suffering as much as them, for not having babies.
When it comes to the naturalness of childbearing, let’s not forget that without modern medicine, the risk to die from childbirth is 10%. Appealing to nature is never a legit argument
I think the risk might be even higher… There were techniques to turn babies in the womb but what about preeclampsia and no way to deliver the baby early? ❤️🩹
Hmm....this raises the question about the medicalisation of childbirth. I think the loss of traditional childbirth including roles, to doctors (mostly male) has caused more problems than it has solved - for both the infant and the mother.
@@lisah5836 you can think that but you would be factually wrong
a quick google search will show it is around 1-5%, BUT the mortality rate for children was incredible before modern medicine.around 30% of children died before their first birthday in the 1800s.
@@aysepersona4194what a sad statistic. Makes me wonder if birthday parties were partially celebrated for that reason. It was a big deal to make it to one year old!
I know someone who decided to not have kids in their thirties but in their mid forties, had one anyway out of the rush and not wanting to regret later.
This person never recovered from the trauma that is a first child. More than anything, most women carry the burden of raising kids. So if you’re not passionate, this kind of work is no joke.
At times it feels like they were better off without one.
Of course no judgement to anyone who chooses to have or not have kids, but it is way better to decide one way and stick to it.
Confused parents and babies don’t mix well.
I also think a lot of busy young couples never stop to consider the possibility of a child with disabilities. I was already certain of my choice to be child free but the sad realities of a few friends whose kids will never be "independent" definitely impressed upon me that parenting is for life. I think it's common to assume the kid will be happy and healthy and out of the nest after college.
The frustrating part is why do we have to explain why we don't want to have children? I owe nobody an explanation for what I choose to do with my own body, full stop.
Why not? Do you have no obligation to your parents? Your friends? Your community? Pretty selfish way of thinking.
@@HowlingFantods She said she doesn't owe anyone an explanation for what she chooses to do with HER BODY.
With your comment, you are implying that HER BODY is her parents, her friends, even the "communitys" business. You are implying, that HER body and what she does with it is anyones business, except her own. You are implying that she doesn't even fully own her body, when she has an "obligation" to everyone, BUT herself. Don't you realize how disgusting, creepy and invasive that is? It is HER body and hers alone!
The only one, who has a selfish way of thinking is YOU. Selfish and creepy. You and anyone who thinks they can decide and police what SHE does with HER BODY. It is her body and her life - NOT yours.
@@HowlingFantods Actually no we have no obligation to anyone unless legal one. And certainly less with our OWN PERSONAL PRIVATE matter.
@@HowlingFantodsabsolutely not! Sorry your family or community brainwashed you into thinking you owed them something. You don’t.
@@Emiliapocalypse They didnt brainwash me, they loved me and I love them. You people are so anti social its really pathetic. You are unable to love or be loved. Its no surprise that you are alone.
no kids @46 years and I'm strangely proud of this achievement !
Same here.
🎉
I'm even ready to celebrate this 🎉
Me too, we stuck to our guns! And our birth control 😂
This is not The Handsmaids Tale 😂😂😂. But seriously, let’s make sure it never gets to that point.
Personally, we were childless for the first 12 years of our marriage, also causing a lot of horrible comments and grief because we really wanted children. And just as we had given up, I was pregnant. And then I almost died during childbirth. The doctor said it would be better not to put my body through that again and to stick with 1 child. Which we did. We are very happy with our son (he is now 14) but I still get comments about how it’s so mean to only have 1 child, he will be a spoiled bratt (he isn’t) and why we don’t try for a second one. Well, I’m in perimenopause now and I tell them that and then they usually shut up but you’re right, we can’t win as women! So, you do you! Live your life with love on your own terms and everyone can just sod off.
And when you have 2 of the same sex like I do, they ask you if you don't want a third because you're missing out.. it doesn't end 🤦🏻♀️
haha i had that comment about my girl being an only by the time she was 1! 😅 also in perimeno so will have to start using that one haha...so awkward
I have two, a boy and a girl. And I have experienced this as well:
-your first? Are you going to give them a sibling? Don’t wait too long!
-pregnant again? So soon?
-only two? Are you going to have a third?
There is NO right answer, somebody ALWAYS has an opinion, your age/number of kids/age gap between the kids/sex of the children/your income to kids ration etc
I'm honestly sick and tired of anyone sticking their dirty nose in my life. And it's usually the most toxic people who do this, since they are so miserable with their own life.
Exactly! They wouldn't be hateful towards other people if they were happy.
@@elianas6722 Perfectly said!
We have one child, and we are aaaaalways judged that we have just one. I'm often asked when I'm going to get pregnant with a second. It's such a pressure! We don't want more children, we are super happy with one! I think people that ask this kind of questions should stop with that, it's not their business.
Yessss I have a 1 month old daughter and already asked about baby # 2. My husband and I are not sure if we want another baby 🍼 These type of questions are annoying.
I’m 26 and currently (and most likely will remain) child free because I just cannot picture children in the simple easy going life that I want. I love videos on this topic :) Love from Denmark
Society judges and seconds later forgets you even exist. Yes follow your own North Star.
Love these videos. I’ve sadly experienced all of the above in my decision to not have children and I’m SO fed up with people wanting to control how other people choose to live their lives. Everyone should mind their own f-ing business. And while they are at it, maybe try taking their decision to bring a child into the world as seriously as we’ve taken the decision not to. The world would be such a better place. ❤
Amen to that!!! I've noticed, the women who criticise us for NOT having kids are the ones who regret having them.
I met a lady at a nightclub a while ago. Im 31 and child free. The lady asked why i didn't want children. I told her that i can't provide a good life for a child either mentally or economically. She told me "well, no one ever gets ready, so it's just doing it." That comment did i found extremely concerning 😶 she herself had children btw
strange how people try to push people to have them even if they dont feel to be mentally ready..
I'm 53 and childfree. It was unusual to make this decision in my early 30s. Most of my friends had kids. I have never regretted my decision. I have a wonderful life, travel regularly, am financially independent. I see so many reports of women in their 50s being left by their husbands. Having looked after the kids all their lives they have little work experience outside the home. Many end up living in a car or on the street. It's the largest growth homeless cohort in Australia 😢.
This could have been me, but instead I have security leading into my old age. I am really concerned by the lack of safetynet for older ladies who looked after their kids all their lives.
So no....I don't regret not having kids. I'm busy planning my next trip 😊
Age 55 here. I have absolutely no regrets about not having kids. I also am not saddled with raising grandkids.
When I was 21, I already know, I never want kids. And it hasn't changed because I'm now 39 and very happy with my life. Nothing is missing. Also I never let the pressure of society change my mind. I told everyone, if they want that I have to have a child, will they pay me and they take care of them? They just look mad and stop talk on this topic. It's kind like toxic to me.
Loved every moment. Never miss a Childfree jenny chat. We’re on the exact same book here. And the comments you get I’ve also received. But the main one I’ve had in abundance actually, is women telling me that whilst they adore their kids, they wouldn’t do it again. And that if I don’t want to, defo don’t do it. Also the ‘who will look after you when you’re old’ comment I find to be the most selfish thing for a parent to think about. I wouldn’t want my child to be looking after an OAP when they should be enjoying their life. Sadly a lot of people have kids to ensure they don’t feel lonely when they’re aging and I think it’s a fairly toxic thought process. Very happy living my life with my baby dog - now THAT I recommend ❤❤
I met my husband when he was 24 and I was 34. Right from the beginning we’re felt that communication was the foundation of our relationship. He didn’t want children and either did I. Perhaps because we both came from abusive parents and we wanted to explore our lives in a childlike free spirited way that we were never able to have growing up. After a blissful ten years of play, love and traveling we approached the topic again. We both felt complete and had no desire to have and raise children. We are happy and fulfilled and, like you said, we have accumulated enough funds to retire and not have to put a burden onto grown up children. We’re in our 50s and 60s now with absolutely no regrets and many exciting stories to tell our nieces and nephews whom all seem to feel a sense of adventure that they too want to explore. People don’t usually push the subject on us-especially now that we’re older. They just give us a scoff or a sad face and change the subject. We are so busy living and exploring our fullest potential in life, it’s hard to understand how parents have any time to explore their own lives and personal growth!
I'm 57 and happily childfree. I knew since I was a little girl that I didn't want children. All the other girls would want to hold babies. I thought babies were annoyingly noisy and smelled bad. Zero regrets. Another childfree vegan here, enjoying life on my own terms!
Thank you. As a Gen X woman in a happy child free marriage, I have no regrets. Some of our friends have also chosen to be child free and some friends are parents and we love spending time with them all. For someone who might be worried about regretting their decision too late, there is this thing called adoption…
Brava! You are so articulate! I have to be honest, I'm in my early thirties and i'm seriously on the fence myself. It doesn't feel obvious or natural for me to have a kid, but I also know that if I had one I would love it with all my heart (as would you I'm sure!). I'm always waiting for the time where I feel the urge to be a mother...but with this world crumbling apart, society being at its most ugly, it feels more and more like having a child would be severely anxiety inducing for my and its future....but who knows?
Anyways love from a portuguese girlie :)
Jenny, I am 57 years old and I have loved your channel for years! You inspire me. I am childless and have zero regrets. I like children but never wanted any of my own. I would not change a thing about my life. If you ask my friends with children if they would take that same path again, most say no they would not. They had children due to other people’s expectations. I am that crazy fun aunt babysitter and this is perfect for me.
You won't change your mind at 53,you know and trust yourself. I'm 65 ,childfree, and life is wonderful
I never comment on TH-cam so it says a lot. I was looking for some Scandinavian lifestyle vids and fell into the rabbit hole. I am a single mother of an adorable little girl, I could not be happier of this setup. However I love the childfree weekends when she goes to her dad's, and I truly need to get out of the mother role once in a while and just be ME. This video is so great on many levels, very open and it is also nice to project ourselves into different futures and see the one we crave the most. Well done Jenny, the article in The Guardian was great too!
One of the reasons I don't want to have children is because I am disabled (I only have vision in one eye) and I was recently diagnosed with autism, so my life had already been very difficult. I don't want to complicate it more.
Smart move ... I m a 52 year old (late diagnosed) autistic mom and it s so freaking hard
I’m 40 and child free and have known with 1000% certainty that I do not want children for 10 years. It’s amazing how dogmatic people can be with projecting their own preferences/life choices onto others. I get flack from those same people about being vegan 🙄I was a teacher for 10 years and helped raised hundreds of kids, and yet in other’s eyes I am still “missing out” or “eschewing my duty” and they can’t even fathom that someone might be happy living differently than they are 🙃
I have 1 son. Love him- wasn't easy. I fully support everyone's decisions, when it comes to having kids or not, and that includes my son. It's his life, I'm blessed to be in it.
Jenny, thank gou fir your support. I have absolutely noone in my life who would support my decision and your videos are the only relief I have
Thank you for sharing this video (and others on this topic you have before).
I am child free and it feels taboo still. I’m at the point where all my friends have small children and unless I tell them I am interested in sharing their whole life (children included) that they assume I am not interested.
Well done David for working through all those awful comments!
I'm a fence sitter for bio parenting. We became foster parents and parenting is a RIDE! Not for the faint of heart, not for anyone who likes sleep, comfort or the introverted. Being a parent is HARD, anyone who tells you otherwise is just straight up lying...or an absentee father ;).
Oh i am 51, not cold, child free and a very happy and content woman! It is a choice I made very young and i still love and support it.
As a child free woman myself couldn’t be more proud of my decision. Despite all the backlash I received from people I just met and a few close family members none of them will help pay my bills or will help me raise my nonexistent kids. I’m gonna live my best child free life, regardless of what anyone says.
42 and I've been certain since I was 10 that I was not intererested in having kids of my own. No regrets. In a relationship since 18 years, married for 13 of those.
Same here; I'm childfree at 43, and I will never change my lifestyle for anything.
The biggest one, I love to get is when someone implies that you can only feel true love from having your own children. Comments like "oh the love I feel when I look at my own child".... And if you look a bit deeper, it's the resemblance to yourself which you are in love with. Recognizing subtle personality traits, facial features or hobbies they take interest in that just so happen to be reflections of yours. It's like what they're really referring to is the love they finally found in themself, by observing a younger version of themselves. (and don't get me started on how offensive this can be if you want to adopt, and are asked, "why don't you want your own?").
I like to turn this reflection back onto them with a question, "Don't you feel deep love within yourself? Or receive deep love from your spouse, your friendships or your passions?"
People like to connect having children, to being the ultimate form of love, or feeling "whole", "complete". Though beautiful and special, a mother's love for her children, shouldn't be the only thing we as women strive towards in our modern lives. If nothing else is fulfilling or fills your cup, then you are admitting that a women's only true experience of love, sole purpose or self-worth in the world is to bear her own children.
I respect you and David and anyone else who decides not to have children. Children are not for everyone and children deserve parents who truly want them. ❤
I think you and David are perfect just the way you are. I love your comment that you would expect society to care for you in old age. I am 72. Childless, we used to say. I like your child-free description better. And like you, I do have faith and expect that society will aid and abet its oldest citizens. My sister always called me selfish for not having children. She had 4. To me that is the definition of selfishness. I believe in ZPG for the health of the planet. We all have our own reasons. But it is so tiresome to have to defend our choices. Like the USA’s VP candidate says, “Mind your own damn business.” Amen.
Hi Jenny, the most common comment I received was "I'm being selfish". When I was in my late 20s and early 30s I was told that "I would change my mind." Obviously I am incapable of knowing what I want but women who do want children absolutely do.
Dang people are still bothering you!!!?? I have three kids and we are very close but two of my kids dont want children, THATS FINE!!! I celibrate their choices because Im grateful they HAVE CHOICES!! What’s with people and this topic? Why is it so triggering to other people when someone chooses to be childfree????
I really appreciate your philosophy. I wish my parents would accept my choice not to procreate. They kind of do. But my mother in law doesn't know our plans. She would be BESIDE HERSELF.
@@celinepope Im sorry to hear that. That should not even be your problem. Best of luck to you!! Cheers!! I hope you life and future are both fab❤️👏🏾👏🏾
55. Only child. Child free. No regrets. Not sour.
Can I just say, your photography is on point. I love your artistry and style.
Your emotions are so recognizable! I love my nephews and nieces to the moon and back, but don't want any children myself.
It took the outside world long to realize that i was serious about it, but my family was supportive.❤
Still happy with my choices at 38
The going against nature argument stuns me: Not having kids or not able to have kids is a natural occurrence. It might not be common from a social perspective but that is another thing. Social norms are often quite unnatural…like not letting girls go to school, or pumping your ass up with fat from another place of your body…
Exactly. The rest of society if filled with unnatural things and expectations of people.
I’m a mom with girlfriends that are child free by choice. As someone who is not just a mom, but a dedicated mother, I know how much it takes. So I’m incredibly happy for my friends that they know what they want or not. I’m happy they realize that motherhood is not for them, BEFORE putting kids in to the world. A friend of mine god sterilized and I congratulate her on her anniversary for that, I know that meant so much for her. My child has the coolest aunties who babysit, play and even knit for them. I’m just happy my girlies are happy and content with their lives. I don’t get how parents can even think to push someone to become a parent, when they know how intense and hard it can be. I love love love my little one and truly thing they are the best little person in the entire world. If I had to choose between them or the entire world, I would choose them! But I still get it why someone else don’t want to commit to the role of parenthood.
59 childfree woman. Love it. Best decision I have ever made😊
I can't believe I have never come across your channel before ...
I'm 35 years old, I am a writer and an artist, my partner of 15 years and I have two dogs. We are childfree and we enjoy life so much, it feels incredibly full, actually sometimes crammed with too many things that we want to do, want to explore, want to experience etc. We just couldn't imagine adding a child to this, it feels we would either have to "bury" our old life or become very bad parents. So the decision is clear, but this age is hard, everyone around is having kids. it just makes us review our decision again and again .. but we always come to the same conclusion. not for us. listening to this healed my heart a little bit. thank you!
Beautifully said, Jenny. And thank you for pointing out the serious nature of many of these reactions.
Well done you. Thanks for sharing. 🙏🏼🙂
"Choosing not to have children goes against nature."
My brother in Christ, the capacity for conscious choice is... * checks notes * Natural.
I’m in a lesbian marriage and we can’t just make a baby naturally. With that and other reasons, we have no desire to have children. Yet we receive more pressure about it than my wife’s brother who is in a heterosexual marriage and they also don’t want children.
As a donor conceived person I very much support your decision. It’s a very overlooked topic when people are in pain wanting a child and somewhat understandable. However, there’s a lot of confused and hurt donor conceived people out there looking for the part of them they haven’t met, or trying to understand relationships with those they have. ❤ (Just to add this isn’t about lesbian marriage as such, more IVF using donors)
Jenny! I was interested in your concept of 'curiosity', about friends who become parents (because their experience is one you have decided not to have for yourself). As someone who decided age 7, that I did not EVER want children, I found in my 20's/30's, that the curiosity you discuss, was NOT allowed by those around me who had chosen parenthood. Theirs was an 'exclusive' club, and I was NOT granted admission. I felt there was at best a suspicion of my choice, and at worst, a barely concealed hostility towards me-they 'closed ranks' (no paranoia on my part), I have not regretted my decision for a nano second, and am now
well past child-bearing age-thank goodness! However, so visceral was this sense of hostility, (that I was not part of the 'inner circle of mum's), it has stayed with me, all these years. I also learnt, in my younger years, that 'society's attitude to my desire to remain child-free, provoked the same reactions you also highlight (to the extent, that I learnt to self-silence), on this issue. Even now, if someone asks if I have children? when I say 'no', I sense, that they feel I am 'odd/sad/somehow don't 'count'.
I could add so much more! Irving Goffman books have provided a sanctuary for my thought processes on this issue- I would LOVE you to include something of these dilemmas, via a character in one of your novels-I cannot be the only woman who has been 'silenced' by the hostility of other women, on this issue?
Thank you for your wonderful channel and for the illuminating and courageous way in which you raise these issues. with love, sue xxx
I have a kid & I still feel like I gave birth to many other things : my job also feels like an other baby I nurture everyday...I also did a photo exposition and sorry/not sorry: it also felt like giving birth! We can nurture in soooo many ways:-) I m very happy you gave birth to your wonderful X pound book!
I’m 46, childfree and some days ago l was talking with a friend about how happy l am for my decision in not having children. I have a home that l love, a good job, a great salary, friends that l love and every year l travel to places that l always dreamed about. I don’t and l won’t regret not having children and people will have to deal with it.
I really like and appreciate the way you speak about this, really resonate always. You are clearly so good at putting into words what some of us childfree people feel so thanks! And please don't stop :)
The people that want women to have children just want more people to feed the system & just be a cog in the machine. They need people to pay for taxes,pensions, social welfare programs etc instead of addressing the root of the problems through knowledge and good parenting.
So I’m a mother myself and I have an indifferent opinion of whether people have kids or not. No one’s lifestyle is better than the others if they have kids - it’s just, different - in the most neutral of ways. What makes it annoying is if you are the type of person - parent, non-parent, lover or Chinese food, vegan, meat eater, insert political party of your choice, foreign film aficionado, etc who criticizes other people’s choices because it’s not what YOU do or what YOU like. Yes, you can make a respectful observation and please be considerate of other people’s perspectives and feelings but don’t still down your point because you think it’s the correct one.
Beautifully said and I am amazed by your respectfulness seeing what kind of comments you get. I just don’t understand why people feel the need to persuade others to live the way they do. Also: Why are we childless women always asked why we want no kids? I have never ever heard someone ask a women why she wants children.
I am a mother of one child and having them changed my life. It has been wonderful seeing the development of a person and it has changed the way I see and interact with children because I finally took the time to understand them. It is a lot of hard work and it is massive change in lifestyle, priorities and even biology so I completely understand when someone does not want to jump into that with total conviction. As you said, you do not need to be a parent to be curious about children or to treat children in your life with love and respect (and not be a child hater)
I did have a child (now 30) and would never question anyone being childfree whether by choice, circumstance or due to medical reasons. It is none of my business. I did however get many people critising only having one child as a selfish act as that child had no siblings. They failed to see that he had our attention and an extended family of cousins and friends as an equally positive thing. As you said someone will always feel they can judge.
It's very sad how many women get this pressure from strangers when it comes to this topic. But it's even worse when it comes from your own family. My grandmother never took me seriously when I announced at a young age that I never wanted children, then she always said wait and see, that will change - it's the same for every woman. I am now 30 years old and my wish not to have children is finally being respected by her. Funnily enough, my own mother is now starting to ask me when she will have grandchildren and this is coming from a woman who was never there for me as a mother. My answer to her: do you seriously think you would be a good granny? After that, I was never bothered with the subject again.
Hi mom of 2 here. I’ve always wanted to be a mama. I’m happy I did it and have them. But it’s hard as all hell. You sacrifice a lot. Most of my friends are child free, and want to stay that way. And I think that’s wonderful for them. If they’re happy, I’m happy. End of story. Couldn’t give less of a crap if people want or don’t want kids.
You can never please people. As a woman WITH a child we get comments that we are selfish for having kids… come on.. or wanting to have a child or biological child.
It's wonderful to have a baby to love, but they don't stay babies all that long. And before you know it they are teenagers and WOW! what a change in your life then. It can be VERY stressful. Then they may (as mine did) become your really good friends as adults. You have to keep in mind that you are not just giving birth to babies, but to future adults. In this world it can happen that your children can cause the deepest pain in your heart that can be imagined. And often I've seen good, kind parents have a child that makes terrible life choices. Not having children was the life I would have preferred, but my husband felt differently, so along the way came three. It's been an adventure. And there are so many decisions to be made as they (and you) grow and mature. Earning a living and making those decisions leads to a ton of stress, between spouses and parents and children. I have many young couples that are good friends. Many have chosen not to have children; and I would definitely NOT try to influence them differently.
I want just one child but it doesn't have to necessarily be biological. I want to help children in foster care and adopt from my home country. There are so many abandoned that need love and a grown adult to protect and care for them. What buffles me is that when i tell people that i do not care if i have biological children or not, they question me about why i want to end my genetics. They say things like, " But you can never love an adopted or foster child like you would love your biological one". This comment breaks my heart and alway makes my rage bubble up. I throw back the question," So then why do we have so many children abandoned and needing foster care coz of so many unloving, neglectful and abusive biological parents?" Often times, i'm met with ," Just drop it. You won't know what i mean u til you actually give birth to your own".
I love children so much to the point i am afraid of traumatising them. I was abandoned by my mother and resented by my father, it has left such a huge wound on my soul that i have to wake up each day and verbally say to myself," You are okay, you've got this". I break down sometimes when that trauma hits me. It's caused me so much anxiety.
My wife and me are in our late 40s and we never had kids.
It's so great living in a nice, quiet house with plenty of room to spread out.
I dont get why people think one decision is the best for everyone. I love having kids, but i totally understand that other people dont. Not everyone has to share my life choices.
Amen sister! I am childless, but have zero issue with women who choose motherhood.
100% in favour of women making the choice that is right for them.
If you don't want to have kids, please don't. No child deserves to come into a family where he/she is not wanted. This is not selfish. It's thoughtful. Also, for sure, you will miss out on certain experiences. Raising a human is a major life experience and it comes from a variety of emotions and it forces you to evolve, to see other humans in a different way and to place someone else above yourself (at least for a while). It's life-altering. If you look at life like a video game, it's the next level. You can choose to stay in the current level where you are comfortable and content in your knowing, or take the leap into the unknown, uncharted, messy, challenging next level where you will experience love like you never felt before and also moments where you will lose your sh*t like you never lost before. It's for for faint-hearted. ;)
As a mother and woman I'm just glad that we are able to make the choices that feel the best to ourselves.
It's not only a rare thing in humanity's story but it's also still not a thing all women and men in the world can do in this time.
A lot of people are still forced into marriage and having kids due to societal expectations and laws. Some can end up in danger if they don't comply even.
That said, I also try to not overwhelm my childfree friends with my kids. Not because I don't want to share my life with them but because I've learned some are childless due to infertily and it's hurtful to them. My very best friend is still on the fence on having kids but I know she loves children in general, so, with her it's different...
As a childfree woman in my 40s, I have no regrets about not having children. A lot of the moms in my life do share their regrets with me, though.
Having children is no guarantee you won't be lonely in your old age. Most of us know people who have gone no contact with their parents, or whose kids have gone no contact with them. Heck, just spend any amount of time in a nursing home! It's not like they're a happening place full of the residents' visiting children.
Absolutely agree with this. While I am quite close & involved with my (now divorced) aging parents, I know many people in middle age like me who have no contact or very little involvement with their parents. Especially some who had kids later, and are still raising young(ish) children, do not have time and/or money to help out their own elders. It's simply a reality for many. There's only so much time and attention in the day and if they don't live in the same geographical area things are even more complex.
completely feel the same about the point of curiosity towards friends who become parents!
The well meaning lady about missing out of the experience of having a child and how amazing it is. And speaking from experience; it is amazing. But is an overwhelming, heart-gripping, all envelopping kind of love and experience. Which is awesome to experience, but only if that is an experience you want. It is not just that more "practical" activities will be put on the backburner for a bit (could be work, friends, relationship, work, hobbies. A child costs time so something has got to give), for me it was more the experience of how much that little human occupies your thoughts and heart. And how much you can miss them while at work, or when they're just sleeping upstairs. That is not everybody's cup of tea ;)
I’m 24, and I don’t want to have children. I don’t wanna suffer through 9 months of pregnancy, and deal with the pain and agony of childbirth.
I don’t think I’m qualified to be a parent. I never even dated or been in a relationship before, I’m not even married, so…I can’t have children even if i wanted to.
Not everyone is meant to be a parent, it’s not for everybody. I’m an aunt, and that’s as far as I go. No need for children, not for me.
What an intelligent, thoughtful, rational discussion of this issue! And I’m full of your admiration for your ability to speak calmly about the shockingly racist, misogynist comments you’ve received! It makes my 79 year-old blood boil.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
4:10 😱 wow… if anything would ever be mandatory by law, imo (since others can say what I should do with my organs I think I can also pitch in for a sec), it should be a series of tests (psychological, nutritional knowledge, etc. etc.) to ensure whether one should be a parent or not (regardless of sex). I do love kids and took care of kids for several years. I also happen to be sure I do not want kids of my own, and I’m responsible enough to not crush under societal pressure and have kids just because. Because to do that to a child… that’s what would be selfish.
You know, I'm almost 40, and I am childfree by choice; actually, being childfree is my only main goal this life, everything else is secondary; and I can tell you it makes me more than happy. It is also the only thing in this life I am completely sure about, 100%.
Jenny, you explained your perspective beautifully (as always). I’m a parent to one and hopefully to more soon.
The "selfish" argument is absurd -- there is not a single argument for having kids that isn't selfish. (and that's okay -- everyone should be allowed to live THEIR lives the way they see fit!)
Thinking about not selfish reasons here... does "by accident" count? Or being forced :(
it's absurd (and downright offensive) on both sides.
would you call any other kind of nurse/carer on call 24/7 selfish?
parenting is a brutal, relentless, unpaid and stressful lifelong responsibility. in every practical sense, it demands radical selflessness. it can push you to the brink of limits you didn't even know you had.
please don't underestimate, or disrespect the sacrifices parents have to make, just to retaliate against baseless insults.
childfree people make a different sacrifice - neither are selfish, one lifestyle just allows for the pursuit of more self-interests, in an entirely PRACTICAL sense. emotionally, it really depends on the person, and what they find fulfilling.
@@imathumbIt is parents who call CF people "selfish" for not suffering like them, but then they turn around and say things like "Who's going to look after you when you're older? What about your wealth/property?" If those are reasons they consider legit for having kids, I'm extremely concerned for humanity.
The last one is sometimes driving me nuts as a 39 childfree woman. I sometimes feel like parents are trying to convince me that there's no greatest love, no better joy, no highest success you can achieve than having children... But that's clearly not my feeling when I see THEIR life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being judgmental and I'm so happy when my friends are getting pregnant, but I'm fed up when some of them are saying I won't be the happiest I can be because of my choice... Just like you, I'm not trying to convince anyone about having children. I just want people stop explaining me why I'm wrong, no matter the reason (and I'm living in a country where our president speeks of "demographic rearmament", like my uterus is a tank). Thanks for this video ❤️
💖💖Great video! Your "I'm already full" comment resonated so much. I'm childfree too, and another thing I look at is how romantic relationships are usually considered the most important ones. There is more and more literature by folks (for eg aromantic folks like Aline Laurent-Mayard) on embracing all of the love that deep friendships provide. I'm thinking also of of Alice Raybaud's "Nos puissantes amitiés (Our Powerful Friendships)". Now that I think of it, the models proposed by LGBTQ+ community have inspired me a lot.
I have two kids and, you are right, a decade ago I didn’t even realize I had a choice. It just made sense to have kids, didn’t know anyone who was childfree. I got married, had kids, didn’t think about it. I’m not sure I would’ve, if my husband didn’t want them at that time and we were making that decision today.
And I have experienced this as well:
-your first? Are you going to give them a sibling? Don’t wait too long!
-pregnant again? So soon?
-only two? Are you going to have a third?
There is NO right answer, somebody ALWAYS has an opinion, your age/number of kids/age gap between the kids/sex of the children/your income to kids ration etc
"damned if you do, damned if you don't" is so real. I have 3 boys and for some reason people thinks that gives them license to 1. Pity me (yes, even strangers in public in front of my children). 2. Assume (aloud) that we had our third because we were "trying for a girl" and 3. Need to have another so that we can have aforementioned girl child. Again, yes, strangers, out loud, in front of my children. 🙄 People need mind their own business and keep their mouths shut!