Are Your Relationships Transactional or Relational? Signs to Know - Terri Cole
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ก.ค. 2024
- Are you a generous giver in relationships?
Do you give from your heart? From a place of love?
Or are you a little more tit-for-tat, where you expect something specific in return for giving?
If you answered yes to any of these, or you recognize these patterns in your relationship, this episode is for you. I break down the difference between relational unions (more heart-centered) and transactional unions (more quid pro quo).
I also give you steps to become more balanced between the two because you do not want the pendulum to swing too far in either direction.
If you are too relational and do not have enough discernment (me when I was younger!), your feelings might get trampled on. If you swing over to transactional, you probably think about yourself too much.
Let’s dive in.
Grab the guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/are-your-re...
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
3:12 - Differences between relational & transactional
5:25 - Examples of relational relationships
6:22 - When a relational perspective is harmful
8:19 - Business relationships are transactional
9:24 - What transactional unions look like
11:29 - Traits of relational unions
14:58 - Reasons why we're relational or transactional
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About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
Community: terricole.com/vip
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
Resources to Check out
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
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Let me know below: which dynamic is more familiar to you? Relational, or transactional? Which would you rather move toward? And don't forget to download the free guide here: www.terricole.com/are-your-relationships-transactional-or-relational-guide
I brought a relational vibe into volunteering, and one might think that’s the whole point, but I totally burnt myself out.
Thank you for sharing- that makes sense. I'm a big fan of still having boundaries in relational situations, especially if you're in a healing/giving role of any type ❤️
The family I grew up in had a transactional dynamic. One relationship advice my mother gave me when I was a teenager was “Never love a man more than he loves you”. Even then I knew they were words I did not want to live by when I met my future partner. My husband and I have a relational marriage and it only gets better year after year. To love and be loved is the greatest joy in the world. I just wished my late dad would have fully experienced that in his marriage.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I'm glad you knew that advice didn't sit well with you and have experienced such a fulfilling marriage!
Every single time I was relational with men, I got taken advantage of. Never again.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Marina ❤️
I think I was more relational with my ex and he was absolutely not. It was a nightmare. He didn't know why he behaved in certain ways and had no desire to figure it out. I was so confused and it became very toxic. My parents are very transactional. It explains why I was attracted to someone like that.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤
@@terri_cole Thank you.
I started out relational, but now I’m more transactional to make sure my cup is also filled. Don’t wanna burn out
Just passing by to express my gratitude for your kindness and for sharing your knowledge. I had a major breakthrough after reading/ listening to your book and your interviews. Love and Light to you.
I am so happy to hear it, Ursula ❤️ Thanks for being here!
My aunt recently complained that after she had been there for me through all my problems, I had repaid her by being mean to her daughter, as if her love and kindness toward me had a price tag on it. I recoiled in quizzical nonunderstanding to that... like what?! She did this to my mom once too, she paid for my mom's flight to England and then restricted how much my mom could see me while there because "she had paid for the ticket", therefore she owned my mother's time.
OMG and my dad! I never asked him to help me buy a house, yet later he used that as a reason to disinherit me because he didn't get what he wanted out of me, the product he was paying for, my unquestioning loyalty and devotion, and to never bring up his emotional/verbal abuse and neglect. Even mentioned other smaller financial gifts he'd given me in this letter of reasons. What a jerk and a chicken to do this to me after he was off the planet and unable to accept retribution. Even his best friend lamented he'd done this. I am so upset with myself for not seeing it coming, for trusting him. He told me he'd left me 50% and I believed him. I have berated myself so much for my naivety. And for loving him cuz I feel so conflicted inside. What does that make me to love such a man and to not be able to stop loving him? He who treated me so poorly. Yet still I wish I could reach over to the other side and beg him to accept me, and tell him I forgive him, I love him, and it's okay. So that he wouldn't have to feel like he had to lash out at me like that. I wish I could hold his spirit in my arms and stop the pain, although I know he is no longer in pain. His love was transactional too, I only got the love if I behaved, spoke, did, even dressed, as he wanted. As a little girl my mom would do the "daddy hairdo" at my request, so that he would love me more. So sad. I should never have had to work for his appreciation.
I did the PDF, and found out that I am more transactional at present. This is a shock and alarming to me, but it makes sense because I have been told I think too black and white, no middle ground, and I can see how I have gone from being all about the other, to being all about myself, as a means of protecting myself. I find that I am being guarded so I won't get hurt again. Perhaps I will settle somewhere in the middle in time. I feel like I need others to prove to me that they are safe and that I needn't be so guarded or mistrustful. I don't want people to think of me as unfriendly or mean.
I quickly get angry though and then I'm at a loss for what to do about it, and how to express my preferences without biting people's heads off. For example my neighbor is parking his car on the grass outside my living room window, instead of on his driveway for the past week, and I don't know how to tell him that I don't like it, or ask him if he plans to continue parking there. So I have purchased an artificial foliage screen to put in front of my window to avoid asking him about it. Maybe he will notice that I didn't like the view. I know this might be passive aggressive but I'm too afraid of blowing up at him and ruining our relationship. It is his property after all, he can park his car wherever he likes on it.
( PS, I'd join the Facebook group, but I am not a Facebook user. I don't do well on Facebook. I find it triggering)
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength your way ❤️
For more help on how to state boundaries and what to say, this video might help: th-cam.com/video/VSy1yzvAF0w/w-d-xo.html I also have many scripts in Boundary Boss, my book, which may be available at your local library.
I totally hear you on not liking Facebook. We have an $11/mo community on Mighty Networks (terricole.com/vip), and we're looking into creating a free space on there in the coming month as well. ❤️
Hello, I looked up "transactional relationships" and I found your short on it. I'm so glad I did because you explain it in such an eloquent way and I can now make sense of whether I'm too transactional or not. A few months ago, I communicate with a friend that I considered with my whole life as my best friend and I told her honestly, I felt like she barely puts in any effort in the friendship. And her reaction to that was baffling to say the least-because she not only completely disregarded what I said but she also said that "I can't expect people to love me the same way I love them" and that all relationships aren't transactional. These messages were spread across our conversations ofc, but these were three statement that deeply wounded me. And I realise I was not wrong for communicating with her about my needs and telling her that I felt like she's neglecting me in some ways. So thank you, I do appreciate this so much. It makes so much sense to me now why her comments bothered me so deeply.
I am so sorry to hear the conversation with your friend didn't go well 💕 You were so in your right to bring your concerns to her. Saying something like, "Hey, I really value our friendship and I love you, so I want to share these concerns with you because I feel like we're drifting apart..." should not blow up a friendship. Ideally, you could both agree to a compromise (for example, if you feel she isn't reaching out to you enough, agreeing to a once-a-month standing date together). I have a video on boundaries in friendships here, too: th-cam.com/video/UHKa_9CPrNY/w-d-xo.html
That is so interesting Terri about the propensity to get screwed over when you're younger, and financially. This resonates! You're right that you assume everyone's like you so if you're authentic and generous you're like a lamb to the slaughter. But like you say, you learn. I would love to hear a show about this though. I think it could be helpful, especially to younger people.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I'll think about it!
Thank you, Terri, for your wonderful information and insights! I grew up with transactional relationships at home, so it influenced me.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Interesting! I have been discussing this topic with my psycho for several weeks in my sessions... being an empath, i am all about needs of my partner and people around me...somehow he is teaching me to focus on reciprocity and what I get from my relationships with others...yet somehow it does not feel right to me...i feel as if I was calculative and selfish ...but it does make me more aware of one way dynamics with people in my life...i guess, people pleasers need to become a bit transactional in order to "survive" and have more balanced relationships ? Very interesting topic...thank you for bringing it up Terri !!!
Thank you for sharing, Lucia ❤️ I see you and feel you!
Finding myself more relational than transactional. I took being let go from companies extremely hard and detrimental to my self worth! This is something I'm working on. Thanks Terri
❤️ ❤️
I just got out of a transactional relationship and one thing that really bothered me is that I wasn’t creating the contract of the relationship and I wasn’t agreeing to the ‘service’ that he was ‘paying’ me with gifts. Like what is his expectation if he buys me something. Does dinner = sexual act. He was making up the rules, and to him that was the contract for doing something nice, and I was expected to go along. Very disempowering.
Thank you for sharing, and I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
I dont spend much time thinking if it’s relational or transactional it should always be give and take if not it doesn’t work for me
Thank you for this video & teachings Terri.
I have enjoyed the understanding between these two terms of relating with its plus & cons and examples.
I would like to answer some questions and learn more about this with wants, likes, and preferences. 💕
So glad you enjoyed it! 💕
This was the perfect thing to hear today. I have a friend who is very transactional as well as unreliable…I’m relational and stable. He over promises and under delivers. I’ve given him many passes due to the fact that he has BPD…yes I do understand that disorder as I’ve had several people in my life with BPD. Also several NPD people who are definitely transactional in every single way now that I think about it. However I’m ready to let him go and thinking about the relational/transactional aspect, really shines a light of clarity on the (soon to be ex) friendship. Overall I would say I’m a balance of relational/transactional depending on the situation. Thank you for putting this out there!!! ❤
I am so glad it helped you think through this friendship ❤️ Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Terri Cole you have such a wonderful sweet way of expressing depth in the topic. What a refreshing video after watching a few others with bickering about transactions.
You speak from the heart and it’s refreshing. As a manager of people, some people perform better when it’s transactional like “please do this and then go ahead and take your break” other people will perform perform perform especially in customer facing roles and a solid manager notices and says if you need to go to the appointment, if you like I will take over for you.
I love your definition of relational. Some are more seamless supporters others not as much.
I think the times I have been burned is when I was relational and management failed to respect my contributions.
In relationships I can only think of one or two early bfs who met my relational approach.
Very interesting topic and I believe a few brief dating experiences were “unresolved” perhaps is the word because of marked differences in these two sides of the pendulum, or at least a misunderstanding of it.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences, and for watching! 💕
I'm naturally relational and have gotten screwed over a lot in life. Thankfully I have an amazing partner who is also like me and we treat each other with respect, support and love, and are helping each other heal from our past experiences. ❤
❤️❤️
new to your channel, but i love your talking speed
Thanks! ❤️
Excellent
I'm a relational and that brings me joy and satisfaction in my long term relationships. However, being relational with transactional people is draining for me and I'm trying to set my boundaries with those people because we just mismatch (even though I don't think it's wrong to be transactional).
Right on! 👏👏
My name is Lori Stromski. I feel that I put in way more effort in my marriage than my husband. We just celebrated 35 years . We both are products of much family trauma. We were separated from October to December but collectively reconciled.
Hi Lori, welcome to my channel ❤️ Thanks for sharing.
Grateful for your knowledge
The people in my life that are heavily transactional have caused the most dysfunction and hurt to myself and others around them. To me, those people are void of empathy and are mere robots getting everyone else to fulfill their needs - and in return they would do something that quietly still benefitted them and not the person they were doing it for. I consider myself to have a mix of both because it depends on who I am dealing with. I can be transactional if I feel that someone has an agenda with me and then I will work to set boundaries and remove them from my life. I am relational when I feel that I can be helpful or supportive but I am careful not to make it about me.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Hi Terry. I'm definitely relational, as is my husband. Your marriage sounds similar to mine and I have always done things for friends and family and never expected anything from them. My sister's cat needed surgery recently and I, without any thought of a pay back, sent her a check to pay for the surgery. I knew she needed it and I wanted to do that for her. No strings attached. I can't remember a time that I expected something back (though it's possible when I was younger) but at 76 I love "doing" for people.
That is so wonderful 💕
My single mother was so transactional that she would sing that Janet Jackson song “What have you done for me lately?” Whenever we asked for anything. 😂
I'm mostly relational. Sometimes I feel obliged to help if it's family ( my sister doesnt put expectations on me, ever! It's very much reciprocal as are my closest friendships) but other than that, I give because I want to.
9:19
🙌🙌 And I hear you on sisters ❤️
Omg Terri🌺🩷….this was soooo good….. I am more relational, but having 2 narc siblings & attracting several former female narc friendships, in hindsight I realize I was always beating a dead horse trying to have a ‘relationship’….covid saved 18:33 me!! Out with the narcs, now I’m nurturing & growing ONLY relational relationships & it feels so much better
Amazing shift 👏👏
Hi Terri, thank you!!
I have a wish: can you use different words to decribe something? English is not my first languagr.
Regards,
Sousan
You're welcome Sousan ❤️ what would you like me to describe?
I can't answer this one funnily enough. I'm not conciously counting beans, but I know that after years of me doing most of the cooking and cleaning, most of the peace keeping during disputes and most of the flexible compromising approach to moving on with issues. I start realising I'm not in an equally sharing relationship and I'm living with a taker and I'm the only one doing any giving. It's not my intention to immediately recieve anything in return for all the things I'm doing daily, but I would expect some reciprocation at least sometimes along the way. It comes to my attention the most starkly when my husband starts to complain about something to do with how I cook or clean or what slight he feels he's suffering and that's when I count the beans. Perhaps this is another issue.
I tell him to stop complaining he's got it cushy, and tell him he should be grateful he's got it so easy. I don't even complain about how little he contributes to our relationship. It's no skin off my nose to cook for 2. I like the flat to look nice and it's exercise to clean the flat, If I was living alone, I'd still need to clean and cook. It irks me when he complains.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Shelley ❤️ I have another video on strategic incompetence that might be more relatable: th-cam.com/video/SNUS0PvrcXY/w-d-xo.html
There's also this one on emotional labor: th-cam.com/video/cOVrxtWnzBw/w-d-xo.html
I hope they help!
I'm definitely relational, but too too much, I'm learning now at 56 what self-love means, not easy at all. I'm a Scandinavian living in France since I was 21. Beside a rather narcissic mother though a happy childhood all together, in Scandinavia at the time we still lived under the fictional rules of The " Janteloven", the laws of Jante, a fiction written written by a Norwegian - Danish author in 1933! It was a satire about how our Scandinavian societys worked. " Don't believe you ARE someone"! " Don't believe you are BETTER than someone else! " Etc. I was very good at school but I didn't feel the right to be " proud" of myself.. My mother with no education was SO confident and met the world and the village as she was the Queen. That felt incomfortable for me, I wanted to be just tiny, little, never draw attention awards me...I have spent my life pleasing other people, so hard to try to love myself... But I'm trying😅👍🏻💪🏻 Full of humour and love to laugh, that has always saved me.😂
Thank you for sharing your insights with us ❤️
I hate to ask my boyfriend for anything anymore because he has kept track of everything he covered for me and thrown it at me later. I tried pointing out all the many things I had done for him and that I was not keeping track of dollars over deeds. I suspect he is like this because of how he was raised. My own family was not like that at all. I am more relational in my dealings and he just isn't. Not sure what more to do other than try pointing it out to him in a loving way.
I think you left a similar comment on FB- in case other people are experiencing this, here's how I replied:
I am so sorry you are having this experience ❤️ Beyond pointing it out in a loving way, have you discussed how this makes you feel with him? Or asking why he does this? It's possible you're right that it's how he was raised, but it could be worth having the conversation to gain greater understanding on both sides.
@@terri_cole Thank you Terri. Yes, I have made it very clear how hurtful his comments have been and that measuring everything I do by the dollar instead of the deed is distorted, and not okay. He always says he's sorry after I point out the issue and set a boundary by saying X behavior is hurtful and not okay. He hasn't brought this up since I major called him out on it in writing back in February. I make a point of not asking him for anything. After printing out the guide, I do plan on discussing this with him, as it may help him to get some insight on where his attitude, values, and behavior is coming from. At this point it can only help. It certainly helped me see what the issue is.
Both
Tend to be more relational which is weird because my family tended to be more transactional. Also it was, now that I'm an adult, never thought about. Now at this life point; MORE conscious of the true nature of relationships AND more self protective. Thanks for a smart and timely video. It confirmed many thoughts I've been having lately about the nature of my interactions. Blessings 😇💜🙏🏽
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Also, I feel like I am someone who's extremely giving and I give so much love so openly. But I realise that some people tend to take advantage of me or don't appreciate me enough because of this, I stop putting in effort because it feels unfair to me :// I would rather give my love to someone who sees it and appreciates it.
I feel you on that 💕 I have a video about discernment that may help here, too: th-cam.com/video/v1UQ8e0ZLiY/w-d-xo.html
I think in the beginning of my relationship with my ex, I was much more relational but as time went on, I became more transactional and resentful because I wasn't good at communicating my needs clearly, and I wasn't fully aware of all my needs. Instead of ending the relationship, I thought staying in it was better because that's what I thought I was supposed to do as a good partner. Just to accept that they can't meet my needs so I need to meet them myself and accept him as he is. As I began to meet my needs myself, I was happier but I then realized that there was so much I was sacrificing of myself in keeping the relationship. And I was also doing damage to him by becoming transactional. I still feel a lot of guilt for being this way but the best thing I thought I could do was to end it since I realized that we were at completely different points and he also didn't deserve to feel like he wasn't enough.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
i want to push back on some of your characterizations of transational actions. Evaluating things to make sure that you get your needs met is not bad. Especially when starting a relationship, having those conversations are crucial and I dont think it is bad at all. checking to see if they understand your views is not bad. Assuming someone does or wants to understand your views is niave and gets you hurt.
I think we broadly agree, but the traits of a transactional relationship that I shared is less about finding compromise and *only* being concerned with what you get out of it. It's not really centered on being a team, if that makes sense.
As I shared, "Before agreeing to something, you want to know what you will get out of the arrangement. It is almost like there cannot be two winners - if I win, you have to lose." The "if I win, you have to lose" part is the difference here. In a relational union, the ideal is that both parties win.
With a relational approach, each person thinks about the other person and considers their needs while being self-focused to a healthy degree, and I think that's what you're describing.
I was told once she felt trapped and routine so that's a reason things didn't work. I made sure to let her know I was sticking to her schedule based on her needs and want of space...she is the one that told me everything had to be scheduled out. I used to think it was cute when she showed me on her weekly calendar the days I came over and the way she would smile about it. Months later without talking with me, i get discarded and told it was transactional and it was wrong. Breakups aren't fair. Im still a little confused because we related so well. Literally just cooking together and dancing were the best date nights. There were other things but this whole transactional thing came out of left field. Also a little hard since a love language of mine is acts of service. She didn't understand I liked mowing the yard or doing dishes... I'm still wondering what kinda relationships did she have before meeting me. Lol
Sorry to hear you had that experience ❤️ But it's great you know your love language! I'm a big fan of letting partners know and asking for theirs because it helps us understand our behaviors better. Hopefully your next partner will appreciate those acts of service!
Hi 😊
Hello and welcome to my channel!
Im relational my partner is transactional. But he will not say what he wants out right so it feels like he is manipulating me, herding me into position to get it. When I feel manipulated I dig in my heels even if it is the right thing to do
He was raised by a narcissist mother.
That is so difficult to deal with, Denise. ❤️ Have you tried talking with your partner about the way this behavior makes you feel?
It has to be both.
I'm in a relationship. I love my partner sincerely and deeply. And yet, I'm constantly heartbroken... we can't along 😢😢😢😢 We want to be together and we'd like to get married. But we're too unpleasant and too volatile 😔☹️🥺
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
there's honestly too much to put in a comment
Hi mam
Tit for tat isn't or can't be called relation
Relation isn't a transaction.
No
It's our market economy that has created transaction.
If its transitional for product it's warranty
For service CSAT (retention).
Best regards ✨️
When creating video content if audience in very first minute is able to put a comment..
You got to work...
It's my suggestion. 😊
Id like to listen, but i can hear every sound you make with your mouth its annoying.